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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,048 --> 00:00:06,958 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 2 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,527 KID CAPRI: Straight out of New York City, 3 00:00:08,573 --> 00:00:11,923 it's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy All-Star Jam. 4 00:00:33,076 --> 00:00:35,296 Put your hands together for my man, 5 00:00:35,339 --> 00:00:38,429 theDef Comedy Jam, welcomes to the stage, 6 00:00:38,473 --> 00:00:42,263 Mr. Bill Bellamy. 7 00:00:42,303 --> 00:00:43,913 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 8 00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:53,750 Yeah! 9 00:00:53,792 --> 00:00:55,972 Make some noise! 10 00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:57,972 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 11 00:00:58,014 --> 00:00:59,324 Ahhh! 12 00:01:00,016 --> 00:01:01,886 [BARKS] 13 00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:05,111 Where are the ladies in the house? Make some noise! 14 00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:07,422 [CHEERING]Yeah. 15 00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:11,458 Whoo! New York is representin', boy! 16 00:01:11,506 --> 00:01:14,416 Give it up for my man, Kid Capri, doin' his thang! 17 00:01:14,465 --> 00:01:16,545 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 18 00:01:16,598 --> 00:01:19,818 Shit! How you doin'? Hey, baby. Wassup? Wassup? Wassup? 19 00:01:19,862 --> 00:01:23,082 Don't be nervous. She like, "What? Bill, what? What? 20 00:01:23,126 --> 00:01:25,906 "I hate doin'... Go ahead!" 21 00:01:25,955 --> 00:01:28,175 A lot of crazy stuff been happenin' to me, man. 22 00:01:28,218 --> 00:01:31,308 I been goin' to weddings, all my boys is gettin' married, like one by one. 23 00:01:31,352 --> 00:01:33,312 Pop! Pop, pop, pop! Just gettin' married, 24 00:01:33,354 --> 00:01:35,534 but the funny thing about brothers is when they get married, 25 00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:38,713 the closer they get to the weddin', they start tripping. 26 00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:41,230 Two days from the weddin' they start talkin' funny shit to you. 27 00:01:41,275 --> 00:01:44,055 Like, "Hey, man. Can I talk to you for a minute, man?" 28 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,504 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 29 00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:48,760 [CLICKING TONGUE] "Uh, um, 30 00:01:48,804 --> 00:01:50,854 "what you gonna do when I'm gone, man?" 31 00:01:52,024 --> 00:01:53,684 I'm like, "Where you goin'?" 32 00:01:53,722 --> 00:01:55,852 "I dunno, but I ain't gonna see you no more. I know that." 33 00:01:55,898 --> 00:01:57,118 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 34 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,340 "She already told me this shit is over." 35 00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:01,430 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 36 00:02:01,469 --> 00:02:03,469 And you think they playin', but they ain't playin' 37 00:02:03,514 --> 00:02:05,214 'cause they be serious, man. 38 00:02:05,255 --> 00:02:07,425 When your boys get married, they don't hang out with you no more. 39 00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:09,255 We can't go play no ball no more, you know? 40 00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:12,783 We don't go to the club no more. Shut down. 41 00:02:12,828 --> 00:02:15,528 They don't even call you no more. They call you like two years later. 42 00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:18,180 You don't even recognize my man when he call you. 43 00:02:18,225 --> 00:02:20,225 Like... [IMITATES PHONE RING] 44 00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:22,320 "Hello?" [WHISPERS] "Yo, wassup?" 45 00:02:22,359 --> 00:02:24,269 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 46 00:02:26,842 --> 00:02:28,192 "How you doin', man?" 47 00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:30,235 "Who is this?" "It's me. How you been? 48 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,110 "Yo, I'm all right. Where are you?" 49 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,762 "I can't tell you that right now. 50 00:02:36,243 --> 00:02:38,813 "But I just wanna ask you somethin'." "Wassup, man?" 51 00:02:38,854 --> 00:02:40,204 "Um... 52 00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:42,027 "What kind of cars they got out now?" 53 00:02:44,686 --> 00:02:46,466 "Who in there on that damn phone?" 54 00:02:46,514 --> 00:02:48,304 "Yo, I gotta go, man. I gotta go." 55 00:02:49,647 --> 00:02:52,217 Can't talk to you. 56 00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:55,089 I go to the malls just to look at married people shop. 57 00:02:55,131 --> 00:02:57,051 That's the funniest shit. If you want see married people, 58 00:02:57,089 --> 00:02:59,699 you could tell if they happy by the way they shop. 59 00:02:59,744 --> 00:03:01,094 It's a true fact. 60 00:03:01,137 --> 00:03:02,827 People that are happy, they hold hands. 61 00:03:02,878 --> 00:03:05,188 The newlyweds always hold hands. They walkin' around the mall. 62 00:03:05,228 --> 00:03:07,618 They look so cute. They like, "Come on, let's go. 63 00:03:09,058 --> 00:03:10,408 "Look at that shirt. 64 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,672 "We should get two of 'em. 65 00:03:15,369 --> 00:03:17,759 "Just so we can match." 66 00:03:17,806 --> 00:03:20,286 "You love me?" "Yeah, I love you too. 67 00:03:21,810 --> 00:03:23,900 "I wish we wasn't so broke." 68 00:03:23,942 --> 00:03:27,512 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 69 00:03:27,555 --> 00:03:30,425 Then, you ever... You ever see, like, people that's been married forever? 70 00:03:30,471 --> 00:03:33,081 People that are married forever, they don't even hold hands. 71 00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:35,035 The guy don't even want to be there. 72 00:03:35,084 --> 00:03:37,434 He just standin' there like, "Go ahead!" 73 00:03:37,478 --> 00:03:39,438 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 74 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,000 "What? 75 00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:45,087 "You better hope... Hope you got your own goddamn money. 76 00:03:45,137 --> 00:03:47,047 "I'm not buyin' that blouse. 77 00:03:47,096 --> 00:03:48,616 "I don't give a fuck." 78 00:03:48,663 --> 00:03:50,583 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 79 00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:53,541 "I'll walk home. Fuck you, too!" 80 00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:57,239 Right? 81 00:03:58,325 --> 00:03:59,975 It's true. 82 00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:01,852 And the funny part is to see guys... 83 00:04:01,893 --> 00:04:04,463 The smart guys when they go to the mall, they take advantage 'cause 84 00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:07,155 that's the best time to see a lady, when you go to the mall. 85 00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:08,993 They be checkin' out... You ever notice the guys 86 00:04:09,031 --> 00:04:10,951 that stand outside the store? 87 00:04:10,989 --> 00:04:12,899 They smart as hell. They be tellin' they wife to go in there and shop. 88 00:04:12,948 --> 00:04:14,168 "Go ahead!" 89 00:04:15,211 --> 00:04:17,781 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 90 00:04:17,822 --> 00:04:20,002 "Go ahead. I'm all right. I'm right here, all right? 91 00:04:20,042 --> 00:04:21,262 "Aye! 92 00:04:24,394 --> 00:04:26,484 "See what's goin' on in this mall. 93 00:04:28,355 --> 00:04:31,705 "See, oh man. Look at this, look at this. 94 00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:36,055 "Oh, man. Look at this. 95 00:04:36,101 --> 00:04:37,231 "Damn! 96 00:04:38,887 --> 00:04:42,667 "Man, look it, look it. Oh God, look at that ass." 97 00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:45,287 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 98 00:04:47,809 --> 00:04:51,119 "What? Yeah. Yeah, you look good." 99 00:04:53,336 --> 00:04:55,946 Then sometime they be havin' flashbacks like they single. 100 00:04:55,991 --> 00:04:57,561 They do some more stupid shit like, 101 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,040 [WHISPERS] "Hey. 102 00:05:06,131 --> 00:05:09,351 "Don't come over here." 103 00:05:09,396 --> 00:05:11,696 A couple of years ago, I did that whole booty-call thing, 104 00:05:11,746 --> 00:05:13,356 you know, and a lot of brothers gave me some flack. 105 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:16,270 You know, they was like, "Yo, B. Man, why you do that, man? 106 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,356 "Fucked it up." 107 00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:20,095 Like, "Nah, I didn't, man, because see, 108 00:05:20,145 --> 00:05:21,625 "I hooked everybody up." 109 00:05:21,669 --> 00:05:24,589 See, the thing is, everybody make booty calls, man. 110 00:05:24,628 --> 00:05:26,108 Women make booty calls, but, you see, 111 00:05:26,151 --> 00:05:28,071 women do this shit so smooth, 112 00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:30,200 you don't even know you gettin' a booty call. 113 00:05:31,940 --> 00:05:33,380 It's true! 114 00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:35,290 And the thing that trip me out about girls, 115 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:39,155 girls know they want to get with a guy the mornin' they wake up. 116 00:05:39,208 --> 00:05:41,728 When y'all wake up, y'all know y'all gonna get y'all some. 117 00:05:41,776 --> 00:05:43,126 Y'all be like, "Mmm!" 118 00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:47,560 [PURRING] "Mmm!" 119 00:05:48,304 --> 00:05:49,784 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 120 00:05:54,832 --> 00:05:56,312 "The kitty is purrin'! 121 00:05:58,314 --> 00:06:01,934 "I may have to do somethin' about this today." 122 00:06:01,970 --> 00:06:03,800 Guys, we don't even know when we gonna get some booty. 123 00:06:03,841 --> 00:06:07,761 We be standin' around talkin about, "Damn, I hope she pick me." 124 00:06:07,802 --> 00:06:09,242 But for real, you ever been in the crib? 125 00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:11,281 You know, you in the crib one night, late. 126 00:06:11,327 --> 00:06:12,977 You about to go to bed. It's late. 127 00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:15,244 You know, you just got out the shower, you like, 128 00:06:15,287 --> 00:06:18,677 "Damn. I gotta go to work tomorrow. 129 00:06:18,726 --> 00:06:20,766 "I don't feel like goin'. 130 00:06:20,815 --> 00:06:22,855 "But I'm gonna go, damn!" 131 00:06:23,644 --> 00:06:25,304 [IMITATES PHONE RINGING] 132 00:06:27,256 --> 00:06:28,386 "Who the fuck?" 133 00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:30,996 [IMITATES PHONE RINGING] 134 00:06:31,826 --> 00:06:35,176 "What time is it? God damn. 135 00:06:35,220 --> 00:06:37,090 "Who could be callin' me now?" 136 00:06:37,135 --> 00:06:39,395 [IMITATES PHONE RINGING] 137 00:06:39,442 --> 00:06:41,442 "Hello?" "Hey, baby." 138 00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:44,932 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 139 00:06:44,969 --> 00:06:48,539 "Hello?" "Am I disturbin' you?" 140 00:06:48,582 --> 00:06:50,322 "No, hell no. No, no." 141 00:06:50,366 --> 00:06:52,976 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 142 00:06:53,021 --> 00:06:54,461 "What you doin'?" 143 00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:55,891 "Uh, I was just gettin' ready to go to bed. 144 00:06:55,937 --> 00:06:57,457 "You know, I gotta go to work tomorrow and stuff. 145 00:06:57,504 --> 00:06:59,244 "You know, I gotta get up early." 146 00:06:59,288 --> 00:07:01,068 "Oh, that's a shame." 147 00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:08,729 "So, what you sayin'?" 148 00:07:08,776 --> 00:07:10,426 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 149 00:07:12,083 --> 00:07:14,913 "Um, well, I been thinkin' about you all day and I... 150 00:07:14,956 --> 00:07:18,086 "I just got out the tub and... 151 00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:21,313 "I'm all wet. 152 00:07:21,353 --> 00:07:23,883 "And I just was wonderin' if I can see you tonight." 153 00:07:24,705 --> 00:07:25,875 "Hell yeah. 154 00:07:27,621 --> 00:07:29,361 "Yeah, that's cool as hell." 155 00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:31,665 "I just want to see you right now. I just want to feel you 156 00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:34,372 "here with me. 157 00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:37,720 "How long would it take you to get over here?" 158 00:07:37,761 --> 00:07:40,551 "I figure by the time you hang up this motherfuckin' phone." 159 00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:42,900 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 160 00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:47,468 "So, I guess I'm gonna see you in a minute, huh?" 161 00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:50,860 "Yeah." Your heart start beatin' faster than a motherfucker. 162 00:07:50,905 --> 00:07:53,385 [IMITATING HEART BEATING] 163 00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:56,079 'Cause your booty's like, "Yo. It's 'round the corner." 164 00:07:57,738 --> 00:07:59,568 Your clothes jump out the closet. 165 00:07:59,609 --> 00:08:01,829 You just look, the clothes be like, "Wassup!" 166 00:08:01,872 --> 00:08:04,702 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 167 00:08:04,745 --> 00:08:07,175 You jump in your clothes like you a fireman and shit. 168 00:08:07,225 --> 00:08:09,045 [VOCALIZES] 169 00:08:09,097 --> 00:08:11,667 Oh, get your keys. [VOCALIZES] 170 00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:15,058 Now you runnin', right? [VOCALIZES] 171 00:08:15,103 --> 00:08:16,843 You see the stairs, but you don't need the stairs. 172 00:08:16,887 --> 00:08:18,277 You hit the bannister. 173 00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:26,547 You take your keys, throw 'em in the ignition. [VOCALIZES] 174 00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:28,423 Vroom, vroom, vroom. 175 00:08:28,464 --> 00:08:30,954 Get in the car. Vroom, vroom, vroom. 176 00:08:30,988 --> 00:08:35,428 [IMITATING SPEEDING CAR] 177 00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:39,692 You're goin' through the neighborhood, 178 00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:43,216 2:00 in the morning, 90 miles an hour. [IMITATING SPEEDING CAR] 179 00:08:43,261 --> 00:08:45,261 Blow by the cops. The cops look at you, 180 00:08:45,307 --> 00:08:47,827 you look at him. He like, "Hey, man. I know how you livin'." 181 00:08:47,875 --> 00:08:49,565 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 182 00:08:51,792 --> 00:08:55,402 Hell yeah! Y'all ready to get this show on the road or what? 183 00:08:57,972 --> 00:08:59,282 Aw, yeah. 184 00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:01,021 For all the people that came here tonight, 185 00:09:01,062 --> 00:09:03,462 you are in for a treat. This show is jam-packed 186 00:09:03,499 --> 00:09:05,939 with powerful comedians and we startin' it off 187 00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:07,590 on the Jersey side of things. 188 00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:09,684 This is one of my homies. We started out together. 189 00:09:09,723 --> 00:09:12,333 His name is Jay. He's back to do it again 190 00:09:12,377 --> 00:09:16,767 and blow up this microphone, so give him some love, New York City. 191 00:09:16,817 --> 00:09:18,727 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] 192 00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:34,841 How a motherfucker feel, y'all feelin' aight? 193 00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:37,968 White people in the house, white people make some noise. Can I hear ya? 194 00:09:38,012 --> 00:09:39,362 [AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEERING] 195 00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:41,064 There's a couple of them motherfuckers up here. 196 00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:42,362 White people, y'all are some crazy motherfuckers. 197 00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:43,927 White people crazy as hell. 198 00:09:43,974 --> 00:09:46,324 White people crazy. Do you ever notice that white people 199 00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:48,278 do shit that be the shit to them, 200 00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:50,416 but it's corny as hell to everybody else. 201 00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:53,199 To them it be the shit, but to everybody else it be corny. 202 00:09:53,244 --> 00:09:55,074 Now, I'll tell you something. 203 00:09:55,116 --> 00:09:57,416 How many motherfuckers ever had a nigga call they house from jail? 204 00:09:57,466 --> 00:09:59,376 Get it out! Get it out! Call y'all from jail? 205 00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:01,824 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS] 206 00:10:01,862 --> 00:10:05,042 You know the most fucked up thing about a nigga callin' your house from jail 207 00:10:05,082 --> 00:10:07,172 is like, they gotta call collect. Call collect. 208 00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:09,955 And you always know a nigga callin' collect when you pick up the phone 209 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,520 and the phone ringing. [IMITATES PHONE RING] 210 00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:13,217 And you pick it up and you hear that space. 211 00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:17,662 And then the... And then the operator come on, 212 00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:19,664 "You have a collect call from..." 213 00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:22,526 But the funny shit is that a nigga try to take a whole lot of words 214 00:10:22,578 --> 00:10:25,018 and stuff 'em in that little bitty space. 215 00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:26,839 He try to take a whole lot of shit. Here, the phone ringin'. 216 00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:28,447 [IMITATES PHONE RING] "Hello? Hello?" 217 00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:30,367 "You have a collect call from..." 218 00:10:30,412 --> 00:10:33,682 [SPEAKING VERY RAPIDLY] 219 00:10:39,813 --> 00:10:41,553 "To accept this call, press one. 220 00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:44,337 "To deny this call, press two." 221 00:10:44,382 --> 00:10:45,822 This the shit I like to... 222 00:10:45,862 --> 00:10:47,912 Y'all ever see the fags in the club be doin' they shit? 223 00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:54,867 That's... That's some fag shit right there. 224 00:10:54,915 --> 00:10:56,385 Fags always say that kind of shit, 225 00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:57,958 "Okay, well, all right." 226 00:10:58,005 --> 00:10:59,825 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 227 00:11:01,356 --> 00:11:03,576 That's they shit! That's they shit, though! 228 00:11:03,619 --> 00:11:05,399 Then they... You ever notice that a fag 229 00:11:05,447 --> 00:11:07,187 can be cussin' one motherfucker out 230 00:11:07,231 --> 00:11:10,231 and be nice to another one at the same time. 231 00:11:10,278 --> 00:11:12,148 At the same time, cuss one nigga out, 232 00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:14,023 be nice to another motherfucker walkin' by. 233 00:11:14,064 --> 00:11:15,634 Cuss a nigga out. "Let me tell you somethin', okay? 234 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,585 "Listen. No, listen to me, okay? 235 00:11:17,633 --> 00:11:19,203 "I saw you downtown with that guy. 236 00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:20,593 "That shit was botherin' me. 237 00:11:20,636 --> 00:11:22,546 "It really botherin' me when I saw you downtown. 238 00:11:22,594 --> 00:11:24,554 "I want to tell you somethin', hold on. Wait a minute. How you doin'? 239 00:11:24,596 --> 00:11:26,116 "How you doin'? I see you. 240 00:11:26,163 --> 00:11:27,863 "How your mother doin'? How your mother doin'? 241 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,430 "No, no, no, no, no. I'm not finished with you, okay? 242 00:11:32,474 --> 00:11:34,694 "That shit was botherin' me, okay?" 243 00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:36,257 Thank you! 244 00:11:36,304 --> 00:11:37,784 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 245 00:11:43,877 --> 00:11:46,177 Anybody drunk? Anybody drunk in here? 246 00:11:46,227 --> 00:11:48,187 You ever notice how, like, everybody got somebody 247 00:11:48,229 --> 00:11:49,929 that get drunk as hell in their family? 248 00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:51,840 When my mother get drunk, my uncle get drunk as hell. 249 00:11:51,885 --> 00:11:53,705 And when he get drunk 250 00:11:53,756 --> 00:11:56,056 he tries to articulate, you know what I'm sayin'? 251 00:11:56,106 --> 00:11:58,326 And he always misses some shit in the house. 252 00:11:58,369 --> 00:12:00,199 Always somethin' gone. 253 00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:02,331 He's tryin' to be... He's trying to be nice, but he's still drunk. 254 00:12:02,373 --> 00:12:05,553 "Now, look here, now, uh... 255 00:12:05,594 --> 00:12:08,474 "Now, now see, look here. Now, Mabel, I... I came down 256 00:12:08,510 --> 00:12:10,340 "the steps the other day... 257 00:12:10,381 --> 00:12:12,781 "And, uh, and I seen, uh... 258 00:12:12,819 --> 00:12:15,429 "What's Mabel older son name? 259 00:12:15,473 --> 00:12:17,953 "Mabel oldest son... Now, now see, 260 00:12:17,998 --> 00:12:20,958 "I come up the steps and wasn't nobody upstairs. 261 00:12:21,001 --> 00:12:24,701 "I... Now, see... I had money on the VCR, all right? 262 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,754 "Now see, wasn't nobody but that damn Bernard 263 00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:29,790 "took my money off the VCR, 264 00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:32,656 "Mabel. I know... Mabel, shut the fuck up! 265 00:12:32,708 --> 00:12:34,488 "I know wasn't nobody but that there 266 00:12:34,536 --> 00:12:37,836 "Bernard took my money, Mabel. Mabel. Mabel!" 267 00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:41,852 Thank you! 268 00:12:41,891 --> 00:12:44,551 Y'all been real good. Peace! 269 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,250 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 270 00:12:54,425 --> 00:12:57,295 Yo! Give it up for Jay, y'all. 271 00:13:01,998 --> 00:13:04,908 Oh, my goodness. That boy is stupid! 272 00:13:05,959 --> 00:13:08,309 Thank you! 273 00:13:08,352 --> 00:13:10,832 That's what the Def Comedy Jamis all about, right there. 274 00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:13,357 That boy is crazy. Look like had to pee. But he all good now. 275 00:13:13,401 --> 00:13:15,101 Give it up one more time for Jay. 276 00:13:15,142 --> 00:13:17,272 [AUDIENCE CHEERING]Yeah! 277 00:13:17,318 --> 00:13:19,318 We got some people in the house! 278 00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:22,023 There go Fat Joe. Wassup Fat Joe? Wassup? 279 00:13:22,062 --> 00:13:24,372 That boy is nice! 280 00:13:24,412 --> 00:13:26,112 I like rappers and shit. 281 00:13:26,153 --> 00:13:28,293 I like rappers 'cause they just be coming with mad attitude. 282 00:13:28,329 --> 00:13:31,069 Like, you know, you can't be a happy rapper, you know what I'm sayin'? 283 00:13:31,114 --> 00:13:34,164 You can't be like, "Yeah, I'm gettin' my shit on." They be like, "Naw!" 284 00:13:35,553 --> 00:13:37,733 You gotta have, like, problems to be a rapper. 285 00:13:37,773 --> 00:13:39,563 Like, your shit gotta be fucked up! 286 00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:41,692 Then it can be real. 287 00:13:41,733 --> 00:13:44,083 Like, "Yeah, motherfucker." 288 00:13:48,436 --> 00:13:50,216 And people be like, "Yeah, you better leave him alone. 289 00:13:50,264 --> 00:13:53,054 "He ain't goin' through some good thing right now." 290 00:13:53,093 --> 00:13:55,103 But we got more show. We gonna keep it flowin', y'all. 291 00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:57,398 We gotta keep it goin' 'cause we got a lot, lot of comics comin' out, 292 00:13:57,445 --> 00:13:59,265 to do their thing. Hold on, hold on. Hold up. 293 00:13:59,316 --> 00:14:00,876 Ah! Shit. 294 00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,967 This is fun, man. This is cool. This is cool. 295 00:14:03,016 --> 00:14:04,576 All right, y'all ready? Y'all ready for some more show? 296 00:14:04,626 --> 00:14:06,756 Let me hear you make some noise.[AUDIENCE CHEERING] 297 00:14:06,802 --> 00:14:08,112 All right. 298 00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:11,109 Now, 299 00:14:11,154 --> 00:14:13,724 we gettin' ready to go all the way to Philadelphia, P-A. 300 00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:16,415 I remember seein' this... What? What, what, what? 301 00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:18,074 What, what's wrong with Philly? 302 00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:20,288 I like Philly. Got great cheesesteaks. 303 00:14:21,208 --> 00:14:22,378 [CHUCKLES] 304 00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:24,166 We goin' all the way to Philadelphia, P-A. 305 00:14:24,211 --> 00:14:26,041 Make some noise! 306 00:14:26,082 --> 00:14:27,482 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 307 00:14:27,518 --> 00:14:29,168 And this brother that's comin' to the stage, 308 00:14:29,216 --> 00:14:31,126 his name is Charles Walden 309 00:14:31,174 --> 00:14:33,744 and when he gets out here, you'll see why the kid is just too, too much. 310 00:14:33,785 --> 00:14:35,785 Give it up for Charles Walden! 311 00:14:35,831 --> 00:14:37,221 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] 312 00:14:44,492 --> 00:14:47,502 Yo! Keep it goin' for Bill! Come on. 313 00:14:48,496 --> 00:14:49,926 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] 314 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,590 How's everybody feelin'?AUDIENCE: All right. 315 00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:58,853 I'm glad y'all feelin' good 'cause I'm not. 316 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,288 No, man. 'Cause I got robbed today, man. 317 00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:03,635 I'm comin' up the 7-Eleven, mindin' my business, 318 00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:06,335 some dude come up to me like, "Yo, man. Gimme that wallet." 319 00:15:06,383 --> 00:15:10,263 I'm like, "Damn, all right. You got it. Just stay cool. Just stay cool." 320 00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,170 He start lookin' at me like, "What you doin'?" 321 00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:14,955 I said, "I'm takin' out my money. You said you wanted my wallet." 322 00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:16,571 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 323 00:15:20,136 --> 00:15:24,486 Shoot, man. I... I was like, "I'm just givin' you what the hell you asked for." 324 00:15:24,532 --> 00:15:27,972 Aw, man, but I remember one time I saw somebody get robbed worse than me. 325 00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:31,154 I was on the subway and this guy was asleep with a Walkman on 326 00:15:31,191 --> 00:15:34,461 and this other guy came up to him and went, pop! "Gimme that Walkman." 327 00:15:34,498 --> 00:15:37,588 The guy took it off and he came back and sat down next to me 328 00:15:37,632 --> 00:15:39,982 and the guy who took it, he was like, "Don't you look at me." 329 00:15:40,026 --> 00:15:41,716 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 330 00:15:41,766 --> 00:15:44,326 "Because if you look at me, I'm gonna shoot you." 331 00:15:44,378 --> 00:15:46,418 Now, at this point I'm saying to myself, 332 00:15:46,467 --> 00:15:50,687 "If this guy pulls out a gun and makes the mistake of shooting me in my head, 333 00:15:50,732 --> 00:15:53,392 "that's gonna mess up my whole thinkin' process." 334 00:15:53,430 --> 00:15:55,220 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 335 00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:10,144 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 336 00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:15,024 But see, I'm used to crime and violence. 337 00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:18,191 I'm used to crime and violence because I come from a tough neighborhood. 338 00:16:18,238 --> 00:16:19,888 I didn't get into a lot of fights, 339 00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:21,715 but the fights I did get into, 340 00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:24,243 even if I were to lose 'em, I'd still come out as the winner 341 00:16:24,287 --> 00:16:26,327 because every time I got beat up 342 00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:28,896 there'd be some girl standin' there lookin' at the guy who beat me up goin', 343 00:16:28,944 --> 00:16:30,384 "Now, you know you wrong." 344 00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:32,767 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 345 00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:44,219 You know, the reason why I didn't get into a lot of fights 346 00:16:44,264 --> 00:16:46,224 was because of the way I walked. 347 00:16:46,266 --> 00:16:49,486 So, I admit I could talk about people to their face and get away with it. 348 00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:55,063 'Cause see, they... 'Cause see, they just be like, "Charles, 349 00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:57,281 "you lucky you walk like that." 350 00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:58,800 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 351 00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,984 "Because I swear to God if you didn't, 352 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,806 "I would knock your ass out." 353 00:17:12,596 --> 00:17:14,416 And they shouldn't have told me that, 'cause I'd be like, 354 00:17:14,468 --> 00:17:18,078 "Well, since you not gonna do nothin'," I be like, 355 00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:19,564 "You know your mom's so short, 356 00:17:19,603 --> 00:17:22,303 "she be sittin' on the toilet swingin' her legs." 357 00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:24,475 And they be like, "God damn it, Charles! I told you." 358 00:17:24,521 --> 00:17:27,261 I said... I... I used to be able to make some money doin' that too, 359 00:17:27,307 --> 00:17:28,867 because if somebody in the neighborhood 360 00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:30,917 was scared to go talk about somebody mom to their face, 361 00:17:30,962 --> 00:17:33,662 they would come up to me and be like, "Yo, Charles, check it out." 362 00:17:34,314 --> 00:17:35,924 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 363 00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:41,104 "I been havin' some problems man. Look, I'll give you $10 364 00:17:41,147 --> 00:17:43,757 "if you go talk about Leroy mom." 365 00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:47,281 I'm like, "Look, Leroy kinda big. That's a... That's a $15 job." 366 00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:53,029 He might not be feelin' sorry for me. 367 00:18:00,905 --> 00:18:03,035 Oh, man. And the girls in my neighborhood, 368 00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,342 they used to lie to me. 369 00:18:04,387 --> 00:18:06,867 They used to tell me things like, "Charles, 370 00:18:06,911 --> 00:18:08,781 "my stuff is so good 371 00:18:08,826 --> 00:18:11,956 "that if I were to give you some, it would make you walk straight." 372 00:18:12,003 --> 00:18:14,013 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 373 00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:20,494 And I'm not gonna lie to y'all, 'cause I tried. 374 00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:24,279 I would go knock on their door three times a day 375 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:25,500 talkin' about, "Come on. Let's try it again 376 00:18:25,539 --> 00:18:27,759 "because last time, my balance got better." 377 00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:29,372 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 378 00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:35,330 I don't know. Things are goin' a lot better now. 379 00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:37,855 I moved into my own home not too long ago 380 00:18:37,899 --> 00:18:40,029 and I was in the basement puttin' away some boxes. 381 00:18:40,075 --> 00:18:42,505 And all of a sudden, a big rat, about this big jumped out. 382 00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:44,556 So I ran upstairs and got my cat, 383 00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:47,431 and about 20 minutes later my cat come upstairs. I was like, "Yo, man. 384 00:18:47,474 --> 00:18:50,524 "Did you get that rat?" He was like... He was like, 385 00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:52,174 "No. I want to talk to you about that, all right?" 386 00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:54,739 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 387 00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:07,360 I also got a boatload of roaches in my new house too. 388 00:19:07,407 --> 00:19:10,537 But as long as they live by the rules, it's all right. 389 00:19:10,584 --> 00:19:16,984 And the rules are, as long as they don't crawl on me, crawl on my food, 390 00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:19,375 or pop out of my clothes at work, we all right. 391 00:19:20,289 --> 00:19:21,459 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 392 00:19:26,904 --> 00:19:29,214 Thank you very much! Good night 393 00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:30,685 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] 394 00:19:38,655 --> 00:19:41,175 Give it up for Charles Walden![AUDIENCE CHEERING] 395 00:19:45,271 --> 00:19:48,751 Lot of crazy stuff that has been happening. I went down to Miami. 396 00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:51,316 Miami... I thought, like, New York had crime locked down. 397 00:19:51,364 --> 00:19:54,804 I think Miami Beach got crime locked down. 398 00:19:54,845 --> 00:19:57,885 The number-one crime in Miami is carjacking. 399 00:19:57,935 --> 00:19:59,545 Pay attention! 400 00:19:59,589 --> 00:20:01,679 See, black people, we already understand what a carjack is. 401 00:20:01,722 --> 00:20:03,772 We can feel a carjack comin' on. 402 00:20:03,811 --> 00:20:05,511 You know what I'm sayin'? You sittin' at the light 403 00:20:05,552 --> 00:20:07,682 and you see somebody walkin' over to you, be like, 404 00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:10,208 "Go ahead, now. 405 00:20:10,252 --> 00:20:12,782 "I ain't in the mood for that shit today. 406 00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:15,260 "Go on about your business." 407 00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:17,781 And then sometimes you act like you reachin' for some shit, right? 408 00:20:17,825 --> 00:20:20,775 You like, "All right, now. All right! 409 00:20:20,828 --> 00:20:25,088 "Don't make me pull this comb out now." 410 00:20:25,136 --> 00:20:29,316 You'll be like, "Please don't let him come over here 'cause all it is is a comb!" 411 00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:30,928 But that may happen to white people out. 412 00:20:30,968 --> 00:20:33,278 This is how... This... Pay attention 'cause white people 413 00:20:33,319 --> 00:20:35,669 don't understand. If you ever see a man 414 00:20:35,712 --> 00:20:38,242 comin' towards your car like this... Pay attention. Where y'all at? 415 00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:41,846 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 416 00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:46,640 Don't roll down the window, 417 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,510 "Can I help ya?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 418 00:20:50,510 --> 00:20:52,730 Your ass deserve to be on the pavement. 419 00:20:53,774 --> 00:20:55,174 [CHUCKLES] 420 00:20:55,210 --> 00:20:57,390 But anyway, we gotta bring out another comic. 421 00:20:57,430 --> 00:20:59,650 This brother right here, every time I see him, 422 00:20:59,693 --> 00:21:01,483 he explodes on stage. 423 00:21:01,521 --> 00:21:05,311 He's very, very talented and he deserves to be closin' 424 00:21:05,351 --> 00:21:06,481 this show tonight. 425 00:21:06,526 --> 00:21:08,176 He's from Atlanta, GA. 426 00:21:08,223 --> 00:21:11,403 He's a Southern old boy doing his thing. This is his second time. 427 00:21:11,444 --> 00:21:14,324 He has his own comedy club in Atlanta, 428 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,490 which he rips every week. 429 00:21:16,536 --> 00:21:19,446 Ladies and gentlemen, y'all should put your hands together for a powerful welcome 430 00:21:19,495 --> 00:21:21,235 for Earthquake, baby! 431 00:21:22,237 --> 00:21:23,717 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 432 00:21:37,165 --> 00:21:38,775 Wassup, y'all? Show some love! Wassup? 433 00:21:40,037 --> 00:21:41,077 Damn! 434 00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,691 We here today. 435 00:21:44,738 --> 00:21:46,778 I don't even fuck with young, black women. 436 00:21:46,827 --> 00:21:49,127 I love y'all to death, man, but I don't fuck with young black women, 21, 22, 437 00:21:49,177 --> 00:21:51,137 standard's too high. 438 00:21:51,179 --> 00:21:54,879 Talk to 'em at the club, they want everything and ain't got shit to offer. 439 00:21:54,922 --> 00:21:56,532 Talk to 'em. "What kind of man you lookin' for?" 440 00:21:56,576 --> 00:21:58,796 "First of all, he gotta look like Denzel, 441 00:21:58,839 --> 00:22:01,759 "have his own house, drive a Lexucis." 442 00:22:03,147 --> 00:22:05,587 Can't even say that shit, "Lexusisisis." 443 00:22:07,674 --> 00:22:09,764 I catch 'em when they get 34, 35, 444 00:22:09,806 --> 00:22:12,326 when reality done hit their ass. 445 00:22:12,374 --> 00:22:14,944 And their rent is late. Oh, lord! 446 00:22:14,985 --> 00:22:17,115 Catch their ass then at the club. 447 00:22:17,161 --> 00:22:18,731 "What kind a man you looking for, girl?" 448 00:22:18,772 --> 00:22:23,392 "I'm just lookin' for a man that's lookin' for a job. 449 00:22:23,429 --> 00:22:25,299 "Someone who'd be father to these kids. 450 00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:28,394 "I don't give a fuck if he look like Jimmie Walker, God knows I don't. 451 00:22:28,434 --> 00:22:30,394 "Somebody take these kids to see Lion King, 452 00:22:30,436 --> 00:22:33,566 "give a bitch a break." 453 00:22:33,613 --> 00:22:36,403 White people, they trippin'. Hey, we just different from y'all. 454 00:22:36,442 --> 00:22:38,402 We the same... Hey, we different. You gotta understand, 455 00:22:38,444 --> 00:22:41,324 we don't think we better. We know y'all ain't better. We just different. 456 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,930 We even read our bills different. 457 00:22:43,971 --> 00:22:48,281 When black people get bills, if it just say, "Due," 458 00:22:48,323 --> 00:22:50,593 that mean we got 30 more days. 459 00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:54,161 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 460 00:22:55,852 --> 00:22:58,122 "Past due" mean don't answer the phone, motherfucker. 461 00:22:58,159 --> 00:23:02,989 They lookin' for you. Let your kids answer the phone. 462 00:23:03,033 --> 00:23:05,173 Pops, what's your old ass doin' out here hangin' this time 463 00:23:05,209 --> 00:23:07,519 of night with that young woman? 464 00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:10,870 You better leave her young ass alone, or you gonna lose your benefits! 465 00:23:11,868 --> 00:23:13,388 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 466 00:23:19,049 --> 00:23:21,309 That old motherfucker, boy, be havin' his leg up, 467 00:23:21,356 --> 00:23:23,136 "Girl, you better put my leg down." 468 00:23:23,184 --> 00:23:25,234 What your old ass doin' out here hangin' this time of night, man? 469 00:23:25,273 --> 00:23:27,013 You better go home. 470 00:23:27,057 --> 00:23:28,707 You gonna fuck around and get locked out of that nursing home. 471 00:23:28,755 --> 00:23:29,835 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 472 00:23:29,886 --> 00:23:32,846 Be knockin' on the door. "Sister Sarah! 473 00:23:32,889 --> 00:23:36,889 "It cold outside! I need my medicine! 474 00:23:37,938 --> 00:23:39,938 "Blow the horn, Leroy! 475 00:23:39,983 --> 00:23:43,333 "I can't believe they all asleep! 476 00:23:43,378 --> 00:23:45,208 "Let me try 'round back." 477 00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:48,075 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 478 00:23:52,779 --> 00:23:54,519 Old ass. 479 00:23:55,651 --> 00:23:58,701 Old ass out here just hangin'. 480 00:23:58,741 --> 00:24:02,221 Ain't nothin' wrong with gettin' old. Young women be tripping. 481 00:24:03,746 --> 00:24:05,876 That's why you gotta get you a good woman. 482 00:24:05,922 --> 00:24:08,492 You understand? You gotta get you a good-ass woman. 483 00:24:08,534 --> 00:24:11,844 These young women, 21, 22, want you to make love all night long. 484 00:24:11,885 --> 00:24:13,495 Look here, let me tell your ass something. 485 00:24:13,539 --> 00:24:17,279 No man can make love all night long, so stop askin'. 486 00:24:17,325 --> 00:24:19,585 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 487 00:24:19,632 --> 00:24:23,462 Puttin' pressure on real men like me, Kid Capri, and old pimp. 488 00:24:24,158 --> 00:24:25,768 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 489 00:24:35,648 --> 00:24:38,908 Tell 'em, Pops. Ain't no love all night. I had a young woman just like you, man. 490 00:24:38,955 --> 00:24:41,825 Little 21-year-old talkin' about, "Earthquake, make love to me all night long." 491 00:24:41,871 --> 00:24:43,571 I'm like, "Shit. 492 00:24:43,612 --> 00:24:46,792 "Baby, makin' love to me is like a heavyweight championship fight. 493 00:24:46,833 --> 00:24:49,013 "Oh, it's scheduled for 12 rounds..." 494 00:24:49,052 --> 00:24:50,492 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 495 00:24:50,532 --> 00:24:52,012 "But it's gonna end early." 496 00:24:57,191 --> 00:25:00,721 Oh, the first two rounds gonna be a motherfucker. Pay-per-view, 497 00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,630 but once you knock me out, the fight is over. 498 00:25:03,676 --> 00:25:06,236 And I'mma expect you to go to your corner... [LAUGHS] 499 00:25:08,071 --> 00:25:11,641 And I'm gonna go to my corner. I'm Earthquake, y'all. Peace! 500 00:25:11,684 --> 00:25:13,254 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] 501 00:25:21,955 --> 00:25:24,905 Give it up for Earthquake, y'all. 502 00:25:27,308 --> 00:25:31,048 And I'd like to bring the maestro behind the scenes to come up and do his thing. 503 00:25:31,094 --> 00:25:32,884 Ladies and gentlemen, Russell Simmons. 504 00:25:34,097 --> 00:25:37,137 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 505 00:25:37,187 --> 00:25:39,667 Thank you all for coming out. God bless you. Good night. 506 00:25:40,582 --> 00:25:41,892 [MUSIC PLAYING] 507 00:25:41,942 --> 00:25:46,492 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40415

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