Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: Straight out of New York City,

it's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy All-Star Jam.

Put your hands together for my man,

theDef Comedy Jam, welcomes to the stage,

Mr. Bill Bellamy.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yeah!

Make some noise!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ahhh!

[BARKS]

Where are the ladies in the house? Make some noise!

[CHEERING]Yeah.

Whoo! New York is representin', boy!

Give it up for my man, Kid Capri, doin' his thang!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Shit! How you doin'? Hey, baby. Wassup? Wassup? Wassup?

Don't be nervous. She like, "What? Bill, what? What?

"I hate doin'... Go ahead!"

A lot of crazy stuff been happenin' to me, man.

I been goin' to weddings, all my boys is gettin' married, like one by one.

Pop! Pop, pop, pop! Just gettin' married,

but the funny thing about brothers is when they get married,

the closer they get to the weddin', they start tripping.

Two days from the weddin' they start talkin' funny shit to you.

Like, "Hey, man. Can I talk to you for a minute, man?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[CLICKING TONGUE] "Uh, um,

"what you gonna do when I'm gone, man?"

I'm like, "Where you goin'?"

"I dunno, but I ain't gonna see you no more. I know that."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"She already told me this shit is over."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And you think they playin', but they ain't playin'

'cause they be serious, man.

When your boys get married, they don't hang out with you no more.

We can't go play no ball no more, you know?

We don't go to the club no more. Shut down.

They don't even call you no more. They call you like two years later.

You don't even recognize my man when he call you.

Like... [IMITATES PHONE RING]

"Hello?" [WHISPERS] "Yo, wassup?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"How you doin', man?"

"Who is this?" "It's me. How you been?

"Yo, I'm all right. Where are you?"

"I can't tell you that right now.

"But I just wanna ask you somethin'." "Wassup, man?"

"Um...

"What kind of cars they got out now?"

"Who in there on that damn phone?"

"Yo, I gotta go, man. I gotta go."

Can't talk to you.

I go to the malls just to look at married people shop.

That's the funniest shit. If you want see married people,

you could tell if they happy by the way they shop.

It's a true fact.

People that are happy, they hold hands.

The newlyweds always hold hands. They walkin' around the mall.

They look so cute. They like, "Come on, let's go.

"Look at that shirt.

"We should get two of 'em.

"Just so we can match."

"You love me?" "Yeah, I love you too.

"I wish we wasn't so broke."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Then, you ever... You ever see, like, people that's been married forever?

People that are married forever, they don't even hold hands.

The guy don't even want to be there.

He just standin' there like, "Go ahead!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"What?

"You better hope... Hope you got your own goddamn money.

"I'm not buyin' that blouse.

"I don't give a fuck."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I'll walk home. Fuck you, too!"

Right?

It's true.

And the funny part is to see guys...

The smart guys when they go to the mall, they take advantage 'cause

that's the best time to see a lady, when you go to the mall.

They be checkin' out... You ever notice the guys

that stand outside the store?

They smart as hell. They be tellin' they wife to go in there and shop.

"Go ahead!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Go ahead. I'm all right. I'm right here, all right?

"Aye!

"See what's goin' on in this mall.

"See, oh man. Look at this, look at this.

"Oh, man. Look at this.

"Damn!

"Man, look it, look it. Oh God, look at that ass."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What? Yeah. Yeah, you look good."

Then sometime they be havin' flashbacks like they single.

They do some more stupid shit like,

[WHISPERS] "Hey.

"Don't come over here."

A couple of years ago, I did that whole booty-call thing,

you know, and a lot of brothers gave me some flack.

You know, they was like, "Yo, B. Man, why you do that, man?

"Fucked it up."

Like, "Nah, I didn't, man, because see,

"I hooked everybody up."

See, the thing is, everybody make booty calls, man.

Women make booty calls, but, you see,

women do this shit so smooth,

you don't even know you gettin' a booty call.

It's true!

And the thing that trip me out about girls,

girls know they want to get with a guy the mornin' they wake up.

When y'all wake up, y'all know y'all gonna get y'all some.

Y'all be like, "Mmm!"

[PURRING] "Mmm!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"The kitty is purrin'!

"I may have to do somethin' about this today."

Guys, we don't even know when we gonna get some booty.

We be standin' around talkin about, "Damn, I hope she pick me."

But for real, you ever been in the crib?

You know, you in the crib one night, late.

You about to go to bed. It's late.

You know, you just got out the shower, you like,

"Damn. I gotta go to work tomorrow.

"I don't feel like goin'.

"But I'm gonna go, damn!"

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

"Who the fuck?"

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

"What time is it? God damn.

"Who could be callin' me now?"

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

"Hello?" "Hey, baby."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Hello?" "Am I disturbin' you?"

"No, hell no. No, no."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What you doin'?"

"Uh, I was just gettin' ready to go to bed.

"You know, I gotta go to work tomorrow and stuff.

"You know, I gotta get up early."

"Oh, that's a shame."

"So, what you sayin'?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Um, well, I been thinkin' about you all day and I...

"I just got out the tub and...

"I'm all wet.

"And I just was wonderin' if I can see you tonight."

"Hell yeah.

"Yeah, that's cool as hell."

"I just want to see you right now. I just want to feel you

"here with me.

"How long would it take you to get over here?"

"I figure by the time you hang up this motherfuckin' phone."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"So, I guess I'm gonna see you in a minute, huh?"

"Yeah." Your heart start beatin' faster than a motherfucker.

[IMITATING HEART BEATING]

'Cause your booty's like, "Yo. It's 'round the corner."

Your clothes jump out the closet.

You just look, the clothes be like, "Wassup!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You jump in your clothes like you a fireman and shit.

[VOCALIZES]

Oh, get your keys. [VOCALIZES]

Now you runnin', right? [VOCALIZES]

You see the stairs, but you don't need the stairs.

You hit the bannister.

You take your keys, throw 'em in the ignition. [VOCALIZES]

Vroom, vroom, vroom.

Get in the car. Vroom, vroom, vroom.

[IMITATING SPEEDING CAR]

You're goin' through the neighborhood,

2:00 in the morning, 90 miles an hour. [IMITATING SPEEDING CAR]

Blow by the cops. The cops look at you,

you look at him. He like, "Hey, man. I know how you livin'."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hell yeah! Y'all ready to get this show on the road or what?

Aw, yeah.

For all the people that came here tonight,

you are in for a treat. This show is jam-packed

with powerful comedians and we startin' it off

on the Jersey side of things.

This is one of my homies. We started out together.

His name is Jay. He's back to do it again

and blow up this microphone, so give him some love, New York City.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

How a motherfucker feel, y'all feelin' aight?

White people in the house, white people make some noise. Can I hear ya?

[AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEERING]

There's a couple of them motherfuckers up here.

White people, y'all are some crazy motherfuckers.

White people crazy as hell.

White people crazy. Do you ever notice that white people

do shit that be the shit to them,

but it's corny as hell to everybody else.

To them it be the shit, but to everybody else it be corny.

Now, I'll tell you something.

How many motherfuckers ever had a nigga call they house from jail?

Get it out! Get it out! Call y'all from jail?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS]

You know the most fucked up thing about a nigga callin' your house from jail

is like, they gotta call collect. Call collect.

And you always know a nigga callin' collect when you pick up the phone

and the phone ringing. [IMITATES PHONE RING]

And you pick it up and you hear that space.

And then the... And then the operator come on,

"You have a collect call from..."

But the funny shit is that a nigga try to take a whole lot of words

and stuff 'em in that little bitty space.

He try to take a whole lot of shit. Here, the phone ringin'.

[IMITATES PHONE RING] "Hello? Hello?"

"You have a collect call from..."

[SPEAKING VERY RAPIDLY]

"To accept this call, press one.

"To deny this call, press two."

This the shit I like to...

Y'all ever see the fags in the club be doin' they shit?

That's... That's some fag shit right there.

Fags always say that kind of shit,

"Okay, well, all right."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's they shit! That's they shit, though!

Then they... You ever notice that a fag

can be cussin' one motherfucker out

and be nice to another one at the same time.

At the same time, cuss one nigga out,

be nice to another motherfucker walkin' by.

Cuss a nigga out. "Let me tell you somethin', okay?

"Listen. No, listen to me, okay?

"I saw you downtown with that guy.

"That shit was botherin' me.

"It really botherin' me when I saw you downtown.

"I want to tell you somethin', hold on. Wait a minute. How you doin'?

"How you doin'? I see you.

"How your mother doin'? How your mother doin'?

"No, no, no, no, no. I'm not finished with you, okay?

"That shit was botherin' me, okay?"

Thank you!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Anybody drunk? Anybody drunk in here?

You ever notice how, like, everybody got somebody

that get drunk as hell in their family?

When my mother get drunk, my uncle get drunk as hell.

And when he get drunk

he tries to articulate, you know what I'm sayin'?

And he always misses some shit in the house.

Always somethin' gone.

He's tryin' to be... He's trying to be nice, but he's still drunk.

"Now, look here, now, uh...

"Now, now see, look here. Now, Mabel, I... I came down

"the steps the other day...

"And, uh, and I seen, uh...

"What's Mabel older son name?

"Mabel oldest son... Now, now see,

"I come up the steps and wasn't nobody upstairs.

"I... Now, see... I had money on the VCR, all right?

"Now see, wasn't nobody but that damn Bernard

"took my money off the VCR,

"Mabel. I know... Mabel, shut the fuck up!

"I know wasn't nobody but that there

"Bernard took my money, Mabel. Mabel. Mabel!"

Thank you!

Y'all been real good. Peace!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yo! Give it up for Jay, y'all.

Oh, my goodness. That boy is stupid!

Thank you!

That's what the Def Comedy Jamis all about, right there.

That boy is crazy. Look like had to pee. But he all good now.

Give it up one more time for Jay.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]Yeah!

We got some people in the house!

There go Fat Joe. Wassup Fat Joe? Wassup?

That boy is nice!

I like rappers and shit.

I like rappers 'cause they just be coming with mad attitude.

Like, you know, you can't be a happy rapper, you know what I'm sayin'?

You can't be like, "Yeah, I'm gettin' my shit on." They be like, "Naw!"

You gotta have, like, problems to be a rapper.

Like, your shit gotta be fucked up!

Then it can be real.

Like, "Yeah, motherfucker."

And people be like, "Yeah, you better leave him alone.

"He ain't goin' through some good thing right now."

But we got more show. We gonna keep it flowin', y'all.

We gotta keep it goin' 'cause we got a lot, lot of comics comin' out,

to do their thing. Hold on, hold on. Hold up.

Ah! Shit.

This is fun, man. This is cool. This is cool.

All right, y'all ready? Y'all ready for some more show?

Let me hear you make some noise.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

All right.

Now,

we gettin' ready to go all the way to Philadelphia, P-A.

I remember seein' this... What? What, what, what?

What, what's wrong with Philly?

I like Philly. Got great cheesesteaks.

[CHUCKLES]

We goin' all the way to Philadelphia, P-A.

Make some noise!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

And this brother that's comin' to the stage,

his name is Charles Walden

and when he gets out here, you'll see why the kid is just too, too much.

Give it up for Charles Walden!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Yo! Keep it goin' for Bill! Come on.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

How's everybody feelin'?AUDIENCE: All right.

I'm glad y'all feelin' good 'cause I'm not.

No, man. 'Cause I got robbed today, man.

I'm comin' up the 7-Eleven, mindin' my business,

some dude come up to me like, "Yo, man. Gimme that wallet."

I'm like, "Damn, all right. You got it. Just stay cool. Just stay cool."

He start lookin' at me like, "What you doin'?"

I said, "I'm takin' out my money. You said you wanted my wallet."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shoot, man. I... I was like, "I'm just givin' you what the hell you asked for."

Aw, man, but I remember one time I saw somebody get robbed worse than me.

I was on the subway and this guy was asleep with a Walkman on

and this other guy came up to him and went, pop! "Gimme that Walkman."

The guy took it off and he came back and sat down next to me

and the guy who took it, he was like, "Don't you look at me."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Because if you look at me, I'm gonna shoot you."

Now, at this point I'm saying to myself,

"If this guy pulls out a gun and makes the mistake of shooting me in my head,

"that's gonna mess up my whole thinkin' process."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

But see, I'm used to crime and violence.

I'm used to crime and violence because I come from a tough neighborhood.

I didn't get into a lot of fights,

but the fights I did get into,

even if I were to lose 'em, I'd still come out as the winner

because every time I got beat up

there'd be some girl standin' there lookin' at the guy who beat me up goin',

"Now, you know you wrong."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know, the reason why I didn't get into a lot of fights

was because of the way I walked.

So, I admit I could talk about people to their face and get away with it.

'Cause see, they... 'Cause see, they just be like, "Charles,

"you lucky you walk like that."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Because I swear to God if you didn't,

"I would knock your ass out."

And they shouldn't have told me that, 'cause I'd be like,

"Well, since you not gonna do nothin'," I be like,

"You know your mom's so short,

"she be sittin' on the toilet swingin' her legs."

And they be like, "God damn it, Charles! I told you."

I said... I... I used to be able to make some money doin' that too,

because if somebody in the neighborhood

was scared to go talk about somebody mom to their face,

they would come up to me and be like, "Yo, Charles, check it out."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I been havin' some problems man. Look, I'll give you $10

"if you go talk about Leroy mom."

I'm like, "Look, Leroy kinda big. That's a... That's a $15 job."

He might not be feelin' sorry for me.

Oh, man. And the girls in my neighborhood,

they used to lie to me.

They used to tell me things like, "Charles,

"my stuff is so good

"that if I were to give you some, it would make you walk straight."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I'm not gonna lie to y'all, 'cause I tried.

I would go knock on their door three times a day

talkin' about, "Come on. Let's try it again

"because last time, my balance got better."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I don't know. Things are goin' a lot better now.

I moved into my own home not too long ago

and I was in the basement puttin' away some boxes.

And all of a sudden, a big rat, about this big jumped out.

So I ran upstairs and got my cat,

and about 20 minutes later my cat come upstairs. I was like, "Yo, man.

"Did you get that rat?" He was like... He was like,

"No. I want to talk to you about that, all right?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I also got a boatload of roaches in my new house too.

But as long as they live by the rules, it's all right.

And the rules are, as long as they don't crawl on me, crawl on my food,

or pop out of my clothes at work, we all right.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Thank you very much! Good night

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Give it up for Charles Walden![AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Lot of crazy stuff that has been happening. I went down to Miami.

Miami... I thought, like, New York had crime locked down.

I think Miami Beach got crime locked down.

The number-one crime in Miami is carjacking.

Pay attention!

See, black people, we already understand what a carjack is.

We can feel a carjack comin' on.

You know what I'm sayin'? You sittin' at the light

and you see somebody walkin' over to you, be like,

"Go ahead, now.

"I ain't in the mood for that shit today.

"Go on about your business."

And then sometimes you act like you reachin' for some shit, right?

You like, "All right, now. All right!

"Don't make me pull this comb out now."

You'll be like, "Please don't let him come over here 'cause all it is is a comb!"

But that may happen to white people out.

This is how... This... Pay attention 'cause white people

don't understand. If you ever see a man

comin' towards your car like this... Pay attention. Where y'all at?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Don't roll down the window,

"Can I help ya?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Your ass deserve to be on the pavement.

[CHUCKLES]

But anyway, we gotta bring out another comic.

This brother right here, every time I see him,

he explodes on stage.

He's very, very talented and he deserves to be closin'

this show tonight.

He's from Atlanta, GA.

He's a Southern old boy doing his thing. This is his second time.

He has his own comedy club in Atlanta,

which he rips every week.

Ladies and gentlemen, y'all should put your hands together for a powerful welcome

for Earthquake, baby!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Wassup, y'all? Show some love! Wassup?

Damn!

We here today.

I don't even fuck with young, black women.

I love y'all to death, man, but I don't fuck with young black women, 21, 22,

standard's too high.

Talk to 'em at the club, they want everything and ain't got shit to offer.

Talk to 'em. "What kind of man you lookin' for?"

"First of all, he gotta look like Denzel,

"have his own house, drive a Lexucis."

Can't even say that shit, "Lexusisisis."

I catch 'em when they get 34, 35,

when reality done hit their ass.

And their rent is late. Oh, lord!

Catch their ass then at the club.

"What kind a man you looking for, girl?"

"I'm just lookin' for a man that's lookin' for a job.

"Someone who'd be father to these kids.

"I don't give a fuck if he look like Jimmie Walker, God knows I don't.

"Somebody take these kids to see Lion King,

"give a bitch a break."

White people, they trippin'. Hey, we just different from y'all.

We the same... Hey, we different. You gotta understand,

we don't think we better. We know y'all ain't better. We just different.

We even read our bills different.

When black people get bills, if it just say, "Due,"

that mean we got 30 more days.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Past due" mean don't answer the phone, motherfucker.

They lookin' for you. Let your kids answer the phone.

Pops, what's your old ass doin' out here hangin' this time

of night with that young woman?

You better leave her young ass alone, or you gonna lose your benefits!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That old motherfucker, boy, be havin' his leg up,

"Girl, you better put my leg down."

What your old ass doin' out here hangin' this time of night, man?

You better go home.

You gonna fuck around and get locked out of that nursing home.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Be knockin' on the door. "Sister Sarah!

"It cold outside! I need my medicine!

"Blow the horn, Leroy!

"I can't believe they all asleep!

"Let me try 'round back."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Old ass.

Old ass out here just hangin'.

Ain't nothin' wrong with gettin' old. Young women be tripping.

That's why you gotta get you a good woman.

You understand? You gotta get you a good-ass woman.

These young women, 21, 22, want you to make love all night long.

Look here, let me tell your ass something.

No man can make love all night long, so stop askin'.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Puttin' pressure on real men like me, Kid Capri, and old pimp.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Tell 'em, Pops. Ain't no love all night. I had a young woman just like you, man.

Little 21-year-old talkin' about, "Earthquake, make love to me all night long."

I'm like, "Shit.

"Baby, makin' love to me is like a heavyweight championship fight.

"Oh, it's scheduled for 12 rounds..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"But it's gonna end early."

Oh, the first two rounds gonna be a motherfucker. Pay-per-view,

but once you knock me out, the fight is over.

And I'mma expect you to go to your corner... [LAUGHS]

And I'm gonna go to my corner. I'm Earthquake, y'all. Peace!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Give it up for Earthquake, y'all.

And I'd like to bring the maestro behind the scenes to come up and do his thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, Russell Simmons.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thank you all for coming out. God bless you. Good night.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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