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[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,527
KID CAPRI: Straight out of
New York City,
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00:00:08,573 --> 00:00:11,923
it's the Russell Simmons'
Def Comedy All-Star Jam.
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00:00:33,076 --> 00:00:35,296
Put your hands together
for my man,
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00:00:35,339 --> 00:00:38,429
theDef Comedy Jam,
welcomes to the stage,
6
00:00:38,473 --> 00:00:42,263
Mr. Bill Bellamy.
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00:00:42,303 --> 00:00:43,913
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:53,750
Yeah!
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00:00:53,792 --> 00:00:55,972
Make some noise!
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00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:57,972
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:00:58,014 --> 00:00:59,324
Ahhh!
12
00:01:00,016 --> 00:01:01,886
[BARKS]
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00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:05,111
Where are the ladies
in the house? Make some noise!
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00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:07,422
[CHEERING]Yeah.
15
00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:11,458
Whoo! New York is
representin', boy!
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00:01:11,506 --> 00:01:14,416
Give it up for my man,
Kid Capri, doin' his thang!
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00:01:14,465 --> 00:01:16,545
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:01:16,598 --> 00:01:19,818
Shit! How you doin'?
Hey, baby. Wassup? Wassup? Wassup?
19
00:01:19,862 --> 00:01:23,082
Don't be nervous. She like,
"What? Bill, what? What?
20
00:01:23,126 --> 00:01:25,906
"I hate doin'... Go ahead!"
21
00:01:25,955 --> 00:01:28,175
A lot of crazy stuff been
happenin' to me, man.
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00:01:28,218 --> 00:01:31,308
I been goin' to weddings,
all my boys is gettin' married, like one by one.
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00:01:31,352 --> 00:01:33,312
Pop! Pop, pop, pop!
Just gettin' married,
24
00:01:33,354 --> 00:01:35,534
but the funny thing
about brothers is when they get married,
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00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:38,713
the closer they get to the
weddin', they start tripping.
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00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:41,230
Two days from the weddin'
they start talkin' funny shit to you.
27
00:01:41,275 --> 00:01:44,055
Like, "Hey, man.
Can I talk to you for a minute, man?"
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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[CLICKING TONGUE] "Uh, um,
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00:01:48,804 --> 00:01:50,854
"what you gonna do when
I'm gone, man?"
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I'm like, "Where you goin'?"
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00:01:53,722 --> 00:01:55,852
"I dunno, but I ain't
gonna see you no more. I know that."
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00:01:55,898 --> 00:01:57,118
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,340
"She already told me
this shit is over."
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00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:01,430
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:02:01,469 --> 00:02:03,469
And you think they playin',
but they ain't playin'
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00:02:03,514 --> 00:02:05,214
'cause they be serious, man.
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When your boys get married,
they don't hang out with you no more.
39
00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:09,255
We can't go play no
ball no more, you know?
40
00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:12,783
We don't go to the club
no more. Shut down.
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00:02:12,828 --> 00:02:15,528
They don't even call you
no more. They call you like two years later.
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00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:18,180
You don't even recognize my
man when he call you.
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Like... [IMITATES PHONE RING]
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00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:22,320
"Hello?"
[WHISPERS] "Yo, wassup?"
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:02:26,842 --> 00:02:28,192
"How you doin', man?"
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00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:30,235
"Who is this?"
"It's me. How you been?
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00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,110
"Yo, I'm all right.
Where are you?"
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00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,762
"I can't tell you that
right now.
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00:02:36,243 --> 00:02:38,813
"But I just wanna ask
you somethin'." "Wassup, man?"
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00:02:38,854 --> 00:02:40,204
"Um...
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00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:42,027
"What kind of cars
they got out now?"
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00:02:44,686 --> 00:02:46,466
"Who in there on that
damn phone?"
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00:02:46,514 --> 00:02:48,304
"Yo, I gotta go, man.
I gotta go."
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00:02:49,647 --> 00:02:52,217
Can't talk to you.
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00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:55,089
I go to the malls
just to look at married people shop.
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00:02:55,131 --> 00:02:57,051
That's the funniest
shit. If you want see married people,
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00:02:57,089 --> 00:02:59,699
you could tell if they
happy by the way they shop.
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00:02:59,744 --> 00:03:01,094
It's a true fact.
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People that are happy,
they hold hands.
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00:03:02,878 --> 00:03:05,188
The newlyweds always
hold hands. They walkin' around the mall.
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00:03:05,228 --> 00:03:07,618
They look so cute.
They like, "Come on, let's go.
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"Look at that shirt.
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00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,672
"We should get two of 'em.
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"Just so we can match."
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00:03:17,806 --> 00:03:20,286
"You love me?"
"Yeah, I love you too.
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"I wish we wasn't so broke."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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Then, you ever... You ever
see, like, people that's been married forever?
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00:03:30,471 --> 00:03:33,081
People that are married
forever, they don't even hold hands.
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00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:35,035
The guy don't even
want to be there.
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00:03:35,084 --> 00:03:37,434
He just standin' there like,
"Go ahead!"
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,000
"What?
75
00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:45,087
"You better hope...
Hope you got your own goddamn money.
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00:03:45,137 --> 00:03:47,047
"I'm not buyin' that blouse.
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"I don't give a fuck."
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00:03:48,663 --> 00:03:50,583
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"I'll walk home.
Fuck you, too!"
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00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:57,239
Right?
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00:03:58,325 --> 00:03:59,975
It's true.
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00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:01,852
And the funny part
is to see guys...
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00:04:01,893 --> 00:04:04,463
The smart guys when they
go to the mall, they take advantage 'cause
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00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:07,155
that's the best time
to see a lady, when you go to the mall.
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00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:08,993
They be checkin' out...
You ever notice the guys
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00:04:09,031 --> 00:04:10,951
that stand outside the store?
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00:04:10,989 --> 00:04:12,899
They smart as hell. They be
tellin' they wife to go in there and shop.
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00:04:12,948 --> 00:04:14,168
"Go ahead!"
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00:04:15,211 --> 00:04:17,781
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:04:17,822 --> 00:04:20,002
"Go ahead.
I'm all right. I'm right here, all right?
91
00:04:20,042 --> 00:04:21,262
"Aye!
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00:04:24,394 --> 00:04:26,484
"See what's goin' on
in this mall.
93
00:04:28,355 --> 00:04:31,705
"See, oh man.
Look at this, look at this.
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00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:36,055
"Oh, man. Look at this.
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00:04:36,101 --> 00:04:37,231
"Damn!
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00:04:38,887 --> 00:04:42,667
"Man, look it, look it.
Oh God, look at that ass."
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00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:45,287
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:04:47,809 --> 00:04:51,119
"What? Yeah. Yeah,
you look good."
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00:04:53,336 --> 00:04:55,946
Then sometime they be havin'
flashbacks like they single.
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00:04:55,991 --> 00:04:57,561
They do some more
stupid shit like,
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[WHISPERS] "Hey.
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00:05:06,131 --> 00:05:09,351
"Don't come over here."
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00:05:09,396 --> 00:05:11,696
A couple of years ago,
I did that whole booty-call thing,
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00:05:11,746 --> 00:05:13,356
you know, and a lot of
brothers gave me some flack.
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00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:16,270
You know, they was like,
"Yo, B. Man, why you do that, man?
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00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,356
"Fucked it up."
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00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:20,095
Like, "Nah, I didn't, man,
because see,
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00:05:20,145 --> 00:05:21,625
"I hooked everybody up."
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00:05:21,669 --> 00:05:24,589
See, the thing is, everybody
make booty calls, man.
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Women make booty calls,
but, you see,
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women do this shit so smooth,
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you don't even know you
gettin' a booty call.
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00:05:31,940 --> 00:05:33,380
It's true!
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00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:35,290
And the thing that trip me
out about girls,
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girls know they
want to get with a guy the mornin' they wake up.
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00:05:39,208 --> 00:05:41,728
When y'all wake up,
y'all know y'all gonna get y'all some.
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00:05:41,776 --> 00:05:43,126
Y'all be like, "Mmm!"
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[PURRING] "Mmm!"
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00:05:48,304 --> 00:05:49,784
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
120
00:05:54,832 --> 00:05:56,312
"The kitty is purrin'!
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00:05:58,314 --> 00:06:01,934
"I may have to do somethin'
about this today."
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00:06:01,970 --> 00:06:03,800
Guys, we don't even
know when we gonna get some booty.
123
00:06:03,841 --> 00:06:07,761
We be standin' around
talkin about, "Damn, I hope she pick me."
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00:06:07,802 --> 00:06:09,242
But for real, you ever
been in the crib?
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00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:11,281
You know, you in the crib
one night, late.
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00:06:11,327 --> 00:06:12,977
You about to go to bed.
It's late.
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00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:15,244
You know, you just
got out the shower, you like,
128
00:06:15,287 --> 00:06:18,677
"Damn. I gotta go
to work tomorrow.
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00:06:18,726 --> 00:06:20,766
"I don't feel like goin'.
130
00:06:20,815 --> 00:06:22,855
"But I'm gonna go, damn!"
131
00:06:23,644 --> 00:06:25,304
[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]
132
00:06:27,256 --> 00:06:28,386
"Who the fuck?"
133
00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:30,996
[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]
134
00:06:31,826 --> 00:06:35,176
"What time is it? God damn.
135
00:06:35,220 --> 00:06:37,090
"Who could be callin'
me now?"
136
00:06:37,135 --> 00:06:39,395
[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]
137
00:06:39,442 --> 00:06:41,442
"Hello?"
"Hey, baby."
138
00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:44,932
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
139
00:06:44,969 --> 00:06:48,539
"Hello?"
"Am I disturbin' you?"
140
00:06:48,582 --> 00:06:50,322
"No, hell no. No, no."
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00:06:50,366 --> 00:06:52,976
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
142
00:06:53,021 --> 00:06:54,461
"What you doin'?"
143
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:55,891
"Uh, I was just gettin'
ready to go to bed.
144
00:06:55,937 --> 00:06:57,457
"You know, I gotta go
to work tomorrow and stuff.
145
00:06:57,504 --> 00:06:59,244
"You know, I gotta
get up early."
146
00:06:59,288 --> 00:07:01,068
"Oh, that's a shame."
147
00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:08,729
"So, what you sayin'?"
148
00:07:08,776 --> 00:07:10,426
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
149
00:07:12,083 --> 00:07:14,913
"Um, well, I been thinkin'
about you all day and I...
150
00:07:14,956 --> 00:07:18,086
"I just got out
the tub and...
151
00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:21,313
"I'm all wet.
152
00:07:21,353 --> 00:07:23,883
"And I just was wonderin'
if I can see you tonight."
153
00:07:24,705 --> 00:07:25,875
"Hell yeah.
154
00:07:27,621 --> 00:07:29,361
"Yeah, that's cool as hell."
155
00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:31,665
"I just want to see you
right now. I just want to feel you
156
00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:34,372
"here with me.
157
00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:37,720
"How long would it take you
to get over here?"
158
00:07:37,761 --> 00:07:40,551
"I figure by the time you hang
up this motherfuckin' phone."
159
00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:42,900
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
160
00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:47,468
"So, I guess I'm gonna see
you in a minute, huh?"
161
00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:50,860
"Yeah." Your heart
start beatin' faster than a motherfucker.
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00:07:50,905 --> 00:07:53,385
[IMITATING HEART BEATING]
163
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:56,079
'Cause your booty's
like, "Yo. It's 'round the corner."
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00:07:57,738 --> 00:07:59,568
Your clothes jump out
the closet.
165
00:07:59,609 --> 00:08:01,829
You just look, the clothes
be like, "Wassup!"
166
00:08:01,872 --> 00:08:04,702
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
167
00:08:04,745 --> 00:08:07,175
You jump in your clothes
like you a fireman and shit.
168
00:08:07,225 --> 00:08:09,045
[VOCALIZES]
169
00:08:09,097 --> 00:08:11,667
Oh, get your keys. [VOCALIZES]
170
00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:15,058
Now you runnin',
right? [VOCALIZES]
171
00:08:15,103 --> 00:08:16,843
You see the stairs,
but you don't need the stairs.
172
00:08:16,887 --> 00:08:18,277
You hit the bannister.
173
00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:26,547
You take your keys,
throw 'em in the ignition. [VOCALIZES]
174
00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:28,423
Vroom, vroom, vroom.
175
00:08:28,464 --> 00:08:30,954
Get in the car.
Vroom, vroom, vroom.
176
00:08:30,988 --> 00:08:35,428
[IMITATING SPEEDING CAR]
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00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:39,692
You're goin' through
the neighborhood,
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00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:43,216
2:00 in the morning,
90 miles an hour. [IMITATING SPEEDING CAR]
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00:08:43,261 --> 00:08:45,261
Blow by the cops.
The cops look at you,
180
00:08:45,307 --> 00:08:47,827
you look at him.
He like, "Hey, man. I know how you livin'."
181
00:08:47,875 --> 00:08:49,565
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
182
00:08:51,792 --> 00:08:55,402
Hell yeah! Y'all ready
to get this show on the road or what?
183
00:08:57,972 --> 00:08:59,282
Aw, yeah.
184
00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:01,021
For all the people that came
here tonight,
185
00:09:01,062 --> 00:09:03,462
you are in for a treat.
This show is jam-packed
186
00:09:03,499 --> 00:09:05,939
with powerful comedians
and we startin' it off
187
00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:07,590
on the Jersey side
of things.
188
00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:09,684
This is one of my homies.
We started out together.
189
00:09:09,723 --> 00:09:12,333
His name is Jay.
He's back to do it again
190
00:09:12,377 --> 00:09:16,767
and blow up this microphone,
so give him some love, New York City.
191
00:09:16,817 --> 00:09:18,727
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
192
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:34,841
How a motherfucker feel,
y'all feelin' aight?
193
00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:37,968
White people in the house,
white people make some noise. Can I hear ya?
194
00:09:38,012 --> 00:09:39,362
[AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEERING]
195
00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:41,064
There's a couple of
them motherfuckers up here.
196
00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:42,362
White people, y'all are
some crazy motherfuckers.
197
00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:43,927
White people crazy as hell.
198
00:09:43,974 --> 00:09:46,324
White people crazy.
Do you ever notice that white people
199
00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:48,278
do shit that be
the shit to them,
200
00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:50,416
but it's corny as
hell to everybody else.
201
00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:53,199
To them it be the shit,
but to everybody else it be corny.
202
00:09:53,244 --> 00:09:55,074
Now, I'll tell you something.
203
00:09:55,116 --> 00:09:57,416
How many motherfuckers ever
had a nigga call they house from jail?
204
00:09:57,466 --> 00:09:59,376
Get it out! Get it out!
Call y'all from jail?
205
00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:01,824
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS]
206
00:10:01,862 --> 00:10:05,042
You know the most fucked up
thing about a nigga callin' your house from jail
207
00:10:05,082 --> 00:10:07,172
is like, they gotta
call collect. Call collect.
208
00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:09,955
And you always know a nigga
callin' collect when you pick up the phone
209
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,520
and the phone ringing.
[IMITATES PHONE RING]
210
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:13,217
And you pick it up
and you hear that space.
211
00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:17,662
And then the...
And then the operator come on,
212
00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:19,664
"You have
a collect call from..."
213
00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:22,526
But the funny shit is that
a nigga try to take a whole lot of words
214
00:10:22,578 --> 00:10:25,018
and stuff 'em in that
little bitty space.
215
00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:26,839
He try to take a whole
lot of shit. Here, the phone ringin'.
216
00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:28,447
[IMITATES PHONE RING]
"Hello? Hello?"
217
00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:30,367
"You have
a collect call from..."
218
00:10:30,412 --> 00:10:33,682
[SPEAKING VERY RAPIDLY]
219
00:10:39,813 --> 00:10:41,553
"To accept this call,
press one.
220
00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:44,337
"To deny this call,
press two."
221
00:10:44,382 --> 00:10:45,822
This the shit I like to...
222
00:10:45,862 --> 00:10:47,912
Y'all ever see the fags
in the club be doin' they shit?
223
00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:54,867
That's... That's some
fag shit right there.
224
00:10:54,915 --> 00:10:56,385
Fags always
say that kind of shit,
225
00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:57,958
"Okay, well, all right."
226
00:10:58,005 --> 00:10:59,825
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
227
00:11:01,356 --> 00:11:03,576
That's they shit!
That's they shit, though!
228
00:11:03,619 --> 00:11:05,399
Then they...
You ever notice that a fag
229
00:11:05,447 --> 00:11:07,187
can be cussin' one
motherfucker out
230
00:11:07,231 --> 00:11:10,231
and be nice to another one
at the same time.
231
00:11:10,278 --> 00:11:12,148
At the same time,
cuss one nigga out,
232
00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:14,023
be nice to another
motherfucker walkin' by.
233
00:11:14,064 --> 00:11:15,634
Cuss a nigga out.
"Let me tell you somethin', okay?
234
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,585
"Listen. No,
listen to me, okay?
235
00:11:17,633 --> 00:11:19,203
"I saw you downtown
with that guy.
236
00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:20,593
"That shit was
botherin' me.
237
00:11:20,636 --> 00:11:22,546
"It really botherin' me when
I saw you downtown.
238
00:11:22,594 --> 00:11:24,554
"I want to tell you
somethin', hold on. Wait a minute. How you doin'?
239
00:11:24,596 --> 00:11:26,116
"How you doin'?
I see you.
240
00:11:26,163 --> 00:11:27,863
"How your mother doin'?
How your mother doin'?
241
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,430
"No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not finished with you, okay?
242
00:11:32,474 --> 00:11:34,694
"That shit was botherin'
me, okay?"
243
00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:36,257
Thank you!
244
00:11:36,304 --> 00:11:37,784
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
245
00:11:43,877 --> 00:11:46,177
Anybody drunk?
Anybody drunk in here?
246
00:11:46,227 --> 00:11:48,187
You ever notice how, like,
everybody got somebody
247
00:11:48,229 --> 00:11:49,929
that get drunk as hell
in their family?
248
00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:51,840
When my mother get drunk,
my uncle get drunk as hell.
249
00:11:51,885 --> 00:11:53,705
And when he get drunk
250
00:11:53,756 --> 00:11:56,056
he tries to articulate,
you know what I'm sayin'?
251
00:11:56,106 --> 00:11:58,326
And he always misses some
shit in the house.
252
00:11:58,369 --> 00:12:00,199
Always somethin' gone.
253
00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:02,331
He's tryin' to be...
He's trying to be nice, but he's still drunk.
254
00:12:02,373 --> 00:12:05,553
"Now, look here, now, uh...
255
00:12:05,594 --> 00:12:08,474
"Now, now see, look here.
Now, Mabel, I... I came down
256
00:12:08,510 --> 00:12:10,340
"the steps the other day...
257
00:12:10,381 --> 00:12:12,781
"And, uh, and I seen, uh...
258
00:12:12,819 --> 00:12:15,429
"What's Mabel older son name?
259
00:12:15,473 --> 00:12:17,953
"Mabel oldest son...
Now, now see,
260
00:12:17,998 --> 00:12:20,958
"I come up the steps and
wasn't nobody upstairs.
261
00:12:21,001 --> 00:12:24,701
"I... Now, see...
I had money on the VCR, all right?
262
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,754
"Now see, wasn't nobody
but that damn Bernard
263
00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:29,790
"took my money off the VCR,
264
00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:32,656
"Mabel. I know... Mabel,
shut the fuck up!
265
00:12:32,708 --> 00:12:34,488
"I know wasn't nobody
but that there
266
00:12:34,536 --> 00:12:37,836
"Bernard took my money,
Mabel. Mabel. Mabel!"
267
00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:41,852
Thank you!
268
00:12:41,891 --> 00:12:44,551
Y'all been real good. Peace!
269
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,250
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
270
00:12:54,425 --> 00:12:57,295
Yo! Give it up for Jay, y'all.
271
00:13:01,998 --> 00:13:04,908
Oh, my goodness.
That boy is stupid!
272
00:13:05,959 --> 00:13:08,309
Thank you!
273
00:13:08,352 --> 00:13:10,832
That's what the
Def Comedy Jamis all about, right there.
274
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:13,357
That boy is crazy.
Look like had to pee. But he all good now.
275
00:13:13,401 --> 00:13:15,101
Give it up one more
time for Jay.
276
00:13:15,142 --> 00:13:17,272
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]Yeah!
277
00:13:17,318 --> 00:13:19,318
We got some people
in the house!
278
00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:22,023
There go Fat Joe.
Wassup Fat Joe? Wassup?
279
00:13:22,062 --> 00:13:24,372
That boy is nice!
280
00:13:24,412 --> 00:13:26,112
I like rappers and shit.
281
00:13:26,153 --> 00:13:28,293
I like rappers 'cause
they just be coming with mad attitude.
282
00:13:28,329 --> 00:13:31,069
Like, you know, you can't
be a happy rapper, you know what I'm sayin'?
283
00:13:31,114 --> 00:13:34,164
You can't be like, "Yeah,
I'm gettin' my shit on." They be like, "Naw!"
284
00:13:35,553 --> 00:13:37,733
You gotta have, like,
problems to be a rapper.
285
00:13:37,773 --> 00:13:39,563
Like, your shit
gotta be fucked up!
286
00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:41,692
Then it can be real.
287
00:13:41,733 --> 00:13:44,083
Like, "Yeah, motherfucker."
288
00:13:48,436 --> 00:13:50,216
And people be like, "Yeah,
you better leave him alone.
289
00:13:50,264 --> 00:13:53,054
"He ain't goin' through
some good thing right now."
290
00:13:53,093 --> 00:13:55,103
But we got more
show. We gonna keep it flowin', y'all.
291
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:57,398
We gotta keep it goin'
'cause we got a lot, lot of comics comin' out,
292
00:13:57,445 --> 00:13:59,265
to do their thing. Hold on,
hold on. Hold up.
293
00:13:59,316 --> 00:14:00,876
Ah! Shit.
294
00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,967
This is fun, man.
This is cool. This is cool.
295
00:14:03,016 --> 00:14:04,576
All right, y'all ready?
Y'all ready for some more show?
296
00:14:04,626 --> 00:14:06,756
Let me hear you make
some noise.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
297
00:14:06,802 --> 00:14:08,112
All right.
298
00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:11,109
Now,
299
00:14:11,154 --> 00:14:13,724
we gettin' ready
to go all the way to Philadelphia, P-A.
300
00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:16,415
I remember seein' this...
What? What, what, what?
301
00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:18,074
What, what's wrong
with Philly?
302
00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:20,288
I like Philly.
Got great cheesesteaks.
303
00:14:21,208 --> 00:14:22,378
[CHUCKLES]
304
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:24,166
We goin' all the way to
Philadelphia, P-A.
305
00:14:24,211 --> 00:14:26,041
Make some noise!
306
00:14:26,082 --> 00:14:27,482
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
307
00:14:27,518 --> 00:14:29,168
And this brother that's
comin' to the stage,
308
00:14:29,216 --> 00:14:31,126
his name is Charles Walden
309
00:14:31,174 --> 00:14:33,744
and when he gets out here,
you'll see why the kid is just too, too much.
310
00:14:33,785 --> 00:14:35,785
Give it up for
Charles Walden!
311
00:14:35,831 --> 00:14:37,221
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
312
00:14:44,492 --> 00:14:47,502
Yo! Keep it goin'
for Bill! Come on.
313
00:14:48,496 --> 00:14:49,926
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
314
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,590
How's everybody feelin'?AUDIENCE: All right.
315
00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:58,853
I'm glad y'all feelin' good
'cause I'm not.
316
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,288
No, man. 'Cause I got
robbed today, man.
317
00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:03,635
I'm comin' up the 7-Eleven,
mindin' my business,
318
00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:06,335
some dude come up
to me like, "Yo, man. Gimme that wallet."
319
00:15:06,383 --> 00:15:10,263
I'm like, "Damn, all right.
You got it. Just stay cool. Just stay cool."
320
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,170
He start lookin' at me like,
"What you doin'?"
321
00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:14,955
I said, "I'm takin' out
my money. You said you wanted my wallet."
322
00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:16,571
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
323
00:15:20,136 --> 00:15:24,486
Shoot, man. I... I was like,
"I'm just givin' you what the hell you asked for."
324
00:15:24,532 --> 00:15:27,972
Aw, man, but I remember one
time I saw somebody get robbed worse than me.
325
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:31,154
I was on the subway
and this guy was asleep with a Walkman on
326
00:15:31,191 --> 00:15:34,461
and this other guy came
up to him and went, pop! "Gimme that Walkman."
327
00:15:34,498 --> 00:15:37,588
The guy took it off
and he came back and sat down next to me
328
00:15:37,632 --> 00:15:39,982
and the guy
who took it, he was like, "Don't you look at me."
329
00:15:40,026 --> 00:15:41,716
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
330
00:15:41,766 --> 00:15:44,326
"Because if you look at me,
I'm gonna shoot you."
331
00:15:44,378 --> 00:15:46,418
Now, at this point
I'm saying to myself,
332
00:15:46,467 --> 00:15:50,687
"If this guy pulls out a gun
and makes the mistake of shooting me in my head,
333
00:15:50,732 --> 00:15:53,392
"that's gonna mess up my
whole thinkin' process."
334
00:15:53,430 --> 00:15:55,220
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
335
00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:10,144
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
336
00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:15,024
But see, I'm used to
crime and violence.
337
00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:18,191
I'm used to crime and violence
because I come from a tough neighborhood.
338
00:16:18,238 --> 00:16:19,888
I didn't get
into a lot of fights,
339
00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:21,715
but the fights I did get into,
340
00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:24,243
even if I were to lose 'em,
I'd still come out as the winner
341
00:16:24,287 --> 00:16:26,327
because every time
I got beat up
342
00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:28,896
there'd be some girl standin'
there lookin' at the guy who beat me up goin',
343
00:16:28,944 --> 00:16:30,384
"Now, you know you wrong."
344
00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:32,767
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
345
00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:44,219
You know, the reason why
I didn't get into a lot of fights
346
00:16:44,264 --> 00:16:46,224
was because of the
way I walked.
347
00:16:46,266 --> 00:16:49,486
So, I admit I could talk
about people to their face and get away with it.
348
00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:55,063
'Cause see, they...
'Cause see, they just be like, "Charles,
349
00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:57,281
"you lucky you walk
like that."
350
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:58,800
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
351
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,984
"Because I swear to God
if you didn't,
352
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,806
"I would knock
your ass out."
353
00:17:12,596 --> 00:17:14,416
And they shouldn't
have told me that, 'cause I'd be like,
354
00:17:14,468 --> 00:17:18,078
"Well, since you not
gonna do nothin'," I be like,
355
00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:19,564
"You know your
mom's so short,
356
00:17:19,603 --> 00:17:22,303
"she be sittin' on the
toilet swingin' her legs."
357
00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:24,475
And they be like,
"God damn it, Charles! I told you."
358
00:17:24,521 --> 00:17:27,261
I said... I... I used to
be able to make some money doin' that too,
359
00:17:27,307 --> 00:17:28,867
because if somebody
in the neighborhood
360
00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:30,917
was scared to go talk
about somebody mom to their face,
361
00:17:30,962 --> 00:17:33,662
they would come
up to me and be like, "Yo, Charles, check it out."
362
00:17:34,314 --> 00:17:35,924
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
363
00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:41,104
"I been havin' some
problems man. Look, I'll give you $10
364
00:17:41,147 --> 00:17:43,757
"if you go talk about
Leroy mom."
365
00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:47,281
I'm like, "Look, Leroy
kinda big. That's a... That's a $15 job."
366
00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:53,029
He might not be feelin'
sorry for me.
367
00:18:00,905 --> 00:18:03,035
Oh, man. And the girls
in my neighborhood,
368
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,342
they used to lie to me.
369
00:18:04,387 --> 00:18:06,867
They used to tell me things
like, "Charles,
370
00:18:06,911 --> 00:18:08,781
"my stuff is so good
371
00:18:08,826 --> 00:18:11,956
"that if I were to give you
some, it would make you walk straight."
372
00:18:12,003 --> 00:18:14,013
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
373
00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:20,494
And I'm not gonna lie
to y'all, 'cause I tried.
374
00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:24,279
I would go knock on
their door three times a day
375
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:25,500
talkin' about, "Come on.
Let's try it again
376
00:18:25,539 --> 00:18:27,759
"because last time,
my balance got better."
377
00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:29,372
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
378
00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:35,330
I don't know. Things are
goin' a lot better now.
379
00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:37,855
I moved into my own home
not too long ago
380
00:18:37,899 --> 00:18:40,029
and I was in the basement
puttin' away some boxes.
381
00:18:40,075 --> 00:18:42,505
And all of a sudden,
a big rat, about this big jumped out.
382
00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:44,556
So I ran upstairs
and got my cat,
383
00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:47,431
and about 20 minutes
later my cat come upstairs. I was like, "Yo, man.
384
00:18:47,474 --> 00:18:50,524
"Did you get that rat?"
He was like... He was like,
385
00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:52,174
"No. I want to talk
to you about that, all right?"
386
00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:54,739
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
387
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:07,360
I also got a boatload
of roaches in my new house too.
388
00:19:07,407 --> 00:19:10,537
But as long as they live
by the rules, it's all right.
389
00:19:10,584 --> 00:19:16,984
And the rules are,
as long as they don't crawl on me, crawl on my food,
390
00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:19,375
or pop out of my clothes
at work, we all right.
391
00:19:20,289 --> 00:19:21,459
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
392
00:19:26,904 --> 00:19:29,214
Thank you very much!
Good night
393
00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:30,685
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
394
00:19:38,655 --> 00:19:41,175
Give it up
for Charles Walden![AUDIENCE CHEERING]
395
00:19:45,271 --> 00:19:48,751
Lot of crazy stuff that
has been happening. I went down to Miami.
396
00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:51,316
Miami... I thought, like,
New York had crime locked down.
397
00:19:51,364 --> 00:19:54,804
I think Miami Beach
got crime locked down.
398
00:19:54,845 --> 00:19:57,885
The number-one crime
in Miami is carjacking.
399
00:19:57,935 --> 00:19:59,545
Pay attention!
400
00:19:59,589 --> 00:20:01,679
See, black people, we already
understand what a carjack is.
401
00:20:01,722 --> 00:20:03,772
We can feel a carjack
comin' on.
402
00:20:03,811 --> 00:20:05,511
You know what I'm sayin'?
You sittin' at the light
403
00:20:05,552 --> 00:20:07,682
and you see somebody walkin'
over to you, be like,
404
00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:10,208
"Go ahead, now.
405
00:20:10,252 --> 00:20:12,782
"I ain't in the mood
for that shit today.
406
00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:15,260
"Go on about
your business."
407
00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:17,781
And then sometimes you
act like you reachin' for some shit, right?
408
00:20:17,825 --> 00:20:20,775
You like,
"All right, now. All right!
409
00:20:20,828 --> 00:20:25,088
"Don't make me pull
this comb out now."
410
00:20:25,136 --> 00:20:29,316
You'll be like, "Please don't
let him come over here 'cause all it is is a comb!"
411
00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:30,928
But that may happen
to white people out.
412
00:20:30,968 --> 00:20:33,278
This is how... This...
Pay attention 'cause white people
413
00:20:33,319 --> 00:20:35,669
don't understand.
If you ever see a man
414
00:20:35,712 --> 00:20:38,242
comin' towards
your car like this... Pay attention. Where y'all at?
415
00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:41,846
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
416
00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:46,640
Don't roll down the window,
417
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,510
"Can I help ya?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
418
00:20:50,510 --> 00:20:52,730
Your ass deserve to be
on the pavement.
419
00:20:53,774 --> 00:20:55,174
[CHUCKLES]
420
00:20:55,210 --> 00:20:57,390
But anyway, we gotta bring
out another comic.
421
00:20:57,430 --> 00:20:59,650
This brother right here,
every time I see him,
422
00:20:59,693 --> 00:21:01,483
he explodes on stage.
423
00:21:01,521 --> 00:21:05,311
He's very, very talented
and he deserves to be closin'
424
00:21:05,351 --> 00:21:06,481
this show tonight.
425
00:21:06,526 --> 00:21:08,176
He's from Atlanta, GA.
426
00:21:08,223 --> 00:21:11,403
He's a Southern old boy
doing his thing. This is his second time.
427
00:21:11,444 --> 00:21:14,324
He has his own comedy club
in Atlanta,
428
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,490
which he rips every week.
429
00:21:16,536 --> 00:21:19,446
Ladies and gentlemen, y'all
should put your hands together for a powerful welcome
430
00:21:19,495 --> 00:21:21,235
for Earthquake, baby!
431
00:21:22,237 --> 00:21:23,717
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
432
00:21:37,165 --> 00:21:38,775
Wassup, y'all?
Show some love! Wassup?
433
00:21:40,037 --> 00:21:41,077
Damn!
434
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,691
We here today.
435
00:21:44,738 --> 00:21:46,778
I don't even fuck with young,
black women.
436
00:21:46,827 --> 00:21:49,127
I love y'all to death, man,
but I don't fuck with young black women, 21, 22,
437
00:21:49,177 --> 00:21:51,137
standard's too high.
438
00:21:51,179 --> 00:21:54,879
Talk to 'em at the club,
they want everything and ain't got shit to offer.
439
00:21:54,922 --> 00:21:56,532
Talk to 'em. "What kind of
man you lookin' for?"
440
00:21:56,576 --> 00:21:58,796
"First of all, he gotta look
like Denzel,
441
00:21:58,839 --> 00:22:01,759
"have his own house,
drive a Lexucis."
442
00:22:03,147 --> 00:22:05,587
Can't even say
that shit, "Lexusisisis."
443
00:22:07,674 --> 00:22:09,764
I catch 'em when
they get 34, 35,
444
00:22:09,806 --> 00:22:12,326
when reality done
hit their ass.
445
00:22:12,374 --> 00:22:14,944
And their rent is late.
Oh, lord!
446
00:22:14,985 --> 00:22:17,115
Catch their ass
then at the club.
447
00:22:17,161 --> 00:22:18,731
"What kind a man
you looking for, girl?"
448
00:22:18,772 --> 00:22:23,392
"I'm just lookin' for a man
that's lookin' for a job.
449
00:22:23,429 --> 00:22:25,299
"Someone who'd be father
to these kids.
450
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:28,394
"I don't give a fuck if he
look like Jimmie Walker, God knows I don't.
451
00:22:28,434 --> 00:22:30,394
"Somebody take these kids
to see Lion King,
452
00:22:30,436 --> 00:22:33,566
"give a bitch a break."
453
00:22:33,613 --> 00:22:36,403
White people, they trippin'.
Hey, we just different from y'all.
454
00:22:36,442 --> 00:22:38,402
We the same...
Hey, we different. You gotta understand,
455
00:22:38,444 --> 00:22:41,324
we don't think we better.
We know y'all ain't better. We just different.
456
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,930
We even read
our bills different.
457
00:22:43,971 --> 00:22:48,281
When black people get bills,
if it just say, "Due,"
458
00:22:48,323 --> 00:22:50,593
that mean
we got 30 more days.
459
00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:54,161
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
460
00:22:55,852 --> 00:22:58,122
"Past due" mean don't answer
the phone, motherfucker.
461
00:22:58,159 --> 00:23:02,989
They lookin' for you.
Let your kids answer the phone.
462
00:23:03,033 --> 00:23:05,173
Pops, what's your old ass
doin' out here hangin' this time
463
00:23:05,209 --> 00:23:07,519
of night with that
young woman?
464
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:10,870
You better leave her
young ass alone, or you gonna lose your benefits!
465
00:23:11,868 --> 00:23:13,388
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
466
00:23:19,049 --> 00:23:21,309
That old motherfucker, boy,
be havin' his leg up,
467
00:23:21,356 --> 00:23:23,136
"Girl, you better
put my leg down."
468
00:23:23,184 --> 00:23:25,234
What your old ass doin'
out here hangin' this time of night, man?
469
00:23:25,273 --> 00:23:27,013
You better go home.
470
00:23:27,057 --> 00:23:28,707
You gonna fuck
around and get locked out of that nursing home.
471
00:23:28,755 --> 00:23:29,835
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
472
00:23:29,886 --> 00:23:32,846
Be knockin' on the door.
"Sister Sarah!
473
00:23:32,889 --> 00:23:36,889
"It cold outside!
I need my medicine!
474
00:23:37,938 --> 00:23:39,938
"Blow the horn, Leroy!
475
00:23:39,983 --> 00:23:43,333
"I can't believe they
all asleep!
476
00:23:43,378 --> 00:23:45,208
"Let me try 'round back."
477
00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:48,075
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
478
00:23:52,779 --> 00:23:54,519
Old ass.
479
00:23:55,651 --> 00:23:58,701
Old ass out
here just hangin'.
480
00:23:58,741 --> 00:24:02,221
Ain't nothin' wrong
with gettin' old. Young women be tripping.
481
00:24:03,746 --> 00:24:05,876
That's why you gotta get
you a good woman.
482
00:24:05,922 --> 00:24:08,492
You understand?
You gotta get you a good-ass woman.
483
00:24:08,534 --> 00:24:11,844
These young women,
21, 22, want you to make love all night long.
484
00:24:11,885 --> 00:24:13,495
Look here, let me tell
your ass something.
485
00:24:13,539 --> 00:24:17,279
No man can make love
all night long, so stop askin'.
486
00:24:17,325 --> 00:24:19,585
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
487
00:24:19,632 --> 00:24:23,462
Puttin' pressure on real men
like me, Kid Capri, and old pimp.
488
00:24:24,158 --> 00:24:25,768
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
489
00:24:35,648 --> 00:24:38,908
Tell 'em, Pops. Ain't no
love all night. I had a young woman just like you, man.
490
00:24:38,955 --> 00:24:41,825
Little 21-year-old talkin'
about, "Earthquake, make love to me all night long."
491
00:24:41,871 --> 00:24:43,571
I'm like, "Shit.
492
00:24:43,612 --> 00:24:46,792
"Baby, makin' love to me
is like a heavyweight championship fight.
493
00:24:46,833 --> 00:24:49,013
"Oh, it's scheduled for
12 rounds..."
494
00:24:49,052 --> 00:24:50,492
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
495
00:24:50,532 --> 00:24:52,012
"But it's gonna end early."
496
00:24:57,191 --> 00:25:00,721
Oh, the first two rounds
gonna be a motherfucker. Pay-per-view,
497
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,630
but once you knock me out,
the fight is over.
498
00:25:03,676 --> 00:25:06,236
And I'mma expect you to go
to your corner... [LAUGHS]
499
00:25:08,071 --> 00:25:11,641
And I'm gonna go to my corner.
I'm Earthquake, y'all. Peace!
500
00:25:11,684 --> 00:25:13,254
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
501
00:25:21,955 --> 00:25:24,905
Give it up for
Earthquake, y'all.
502
00:25:27,308 --> 00:25:31,048
And I'd like to bring the
maestro behind the scenes to come up and do his thing.
503
00:25:31,094 --> 00:25:32,884
Ladies and gentlemen,
Russell Simmons.
504
00:25:34,097 --> 00:25:37,137
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
505
00:25:37,187 --> 00:25:39,667
Thank you all for coming out.
God bless you. Good night.
506
00:25:40,582 --> 00:25:41,892
[MUSIC PLAYING]
507
00:25:41,942 --> 00:25:46,492
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