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00:00:05,222 --> 00:00:07,442
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
2
00:00:07,485 --> 00:00:09,095
KID CAPRI: Straight out
of New York City,
3
00:00:09,139 --> 00:00:12,969
it's the Russell Simmons'
Def Comedy All Star Jam.
4
00:00:33,076 --> 00:00:38,126
Welcome to the stage,
Mr. Joe Torry.
5
00:00:43,347 --> 00:00:45,347
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
6
00:00:57,709 --> 00:00:58,709
What's up y'all?
7
00:00:59,972 --> 00:01:01,152
Y'all in the house?
8
00:01:02,888 --> 00:01:06,758
Oh, shit, we gonna have
some fun in this motherfucker.
9
00:01:06,805 --> 00:01:08,885
Y'all came out to laugh,
say, "Hell, yeah."
10
00:01:08,938 --> 00:01:10,288
AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah!
11
00:01:10,331 --> 00:01:12,331
All right. Shit.
12
00:01:12,376 --> 00:01:16,116
It's all good, get your shit
off the stage, man, fuck.
13
00:01:16,163 --> 00:01:20,563
See all these goddamn shows,
get your fuckin' feet off the goddamn stage.
14
00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:23,394
Damn, seven seasons,
you motherfuckers
15
00:01:23,431 --> 00:01:25,391
still puttin' your foot
on the goddamn stage.
16
00:01:27,043 --> 00:01:28,833
And you still puttin'
your foot on there.
17
00:01:28,871 --> 00:01:30,481
In that old-ass
patches shirt.
18
00:01:34,746 --> 00:01:37,226
Them type... Them type
of shirts are makin' it look like you stank.
19
00:01:42,363 --> 00:01:44,283
I don't know why they wear
them type of shirt.
20
00:01:44,321 --> 00:01:46,371
Patrick wear that shit
and be stankin' and shit backstage.
21
00:01:47,368 --> 00:01:48,888
Motherfucker up.
22
00:01:48,934 --> 00:01:51,154
What's up, man?
Give it up to my DJ, man.
23
00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:54,238
I got to give it up to
the baddest DJ in the land.
24
00:01:56,551 --> 00:01:59,341
He's like my brother, man.
25
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:02,250
Kid Capri,
we go everywhere, man.
26
00:02:02,296 --> 00:02:03,646
Say what? You cool, man?
27
00:02:03,688 --> 00:02:05,858
[INDISTINCT TALKING]What you say, hey?
28
00:02:05,908 --> 00:02:07,688
Hey, don't be
fightin' up there.
29
00:02:07,736 --> 00:02:09,826
What the fuck
is wrong with y'all?
30
00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:11,518
Oh, somebody havin' a seizure?WOMAN: Yeah!
31
00:02:11,566 --> 00:02:12,996
I thought he said
somebody was in his seat.
32
00:02:14,830 --> 00:02:16,960
Damn.
33
00:02:17,006 --> 00:02:18,916
I done made a motherfucker
laugh into a seizure.
34
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:26,800
[CHUCKLING]
Hey, look, I mean
35
00:02:26,842 --> 00:02:28,502
you gotta know
when to stop laughing.
36
00:02:28,539 --> 00:02:30,929
"Motherfucker some shit
hurt, motherfucker.
37
00:02:30,976 --> 00:02:32,936
"Nigga, I can't breathe."
38
00:02:32,978 --> 00:02:34,938
Don't be tryin'
to sue me later, shit.
39
00:02:36,808 --> 00:02:37,898
All right.
40
00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:40,115
[LAUGHS]
41
00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:45,206
Goddamn, I'm
quittin' this shit.
42
00:02:48,603 --> 00:02:52,353
"Joe Torry got me
$2.1 million.
43
00:02:52,389 --> 00:02:54,219
"Only way to make me
laugh to this shit."
44
00:02:56,219 --> 00:02:57,919
That's fucked up.
45
00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,530
Probably some freaky-ass girl
next to him talkin' about,
46
00:02:59,570 --> 00:03:01,360
"Damn, I should
sit on his face."
47
00:03:01,398 --> 00:03:03,568
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
48
00:03:03,618 --> 00:03:05,138
"Look at the way his
tongue movin'."
49
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:13,450
"Fuck, chill out,
chill out, chill out, chill."
50
00:03:16,979 --> 00:03:18,979
How are y'all?
51
00:03:19,024 --> 00:03:21,204
I better clean some
shit up, talkin' about, you know,
52
00:03:21,244 --> 00:03:22,554
Russell and his pornography,
I'm just...
53
00:03:22,593 --> 00:03:24,773
That was a joke.
54
00:03:24,813 --> 00:03:28,303
Russell and shit,
you all be labelin' him a Michael Jackson and shit.
55
00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:30,038
Michael Jackson's
a pimp, man.
56
00:03:34,605 --> 00:03:36,425
Y'all shouldn't let, you know,
let that shit fool y'all,
57
00:03:36,477 --> 00:03:37,477
he's a pimp.
58
00:03:40,481 --> 00:03:43,141
How old was
these goddamn kids, is what the fuck I want to know.
59
00:03:43,179 --> 00:03:44,959
I mean I know it's old news,
news, but I'm trippin' now
60
00:03:45,007 --> 00:03:47,137
'cause I got a kid now,
and I'm like, you know, it's fucked up.
61
00:03:47,183 --> 00:03:48,883
I'm sayin' 'cause
that shit didn't happen to me,
62
00:03:48,924 --> 00:03:51,144
you know what I'm sayin?
Couldn't have happened
63
00:03:51,187 --> 00:03:53,617
'cause I had, you know,
we had rough-ass childhoods and shit, you know.
64
00:03:53,668 --> 00:03:55,448
Ain't no kid over
at Michael Jackson's house
65
00:03:55,496 --> 00:03:58,236
on welfare
or no shit like that.
66
00:03:58,281 --> 00:04:00,851
I mean, you know,
"Motherfucker, you can't grab my dick
67
00:04:00,892 --> 00:04:03,112
"unless you gonna put
some food stamps down that motherfucker."
68
00:04:08,073 --> 00:04:10,213
You know what I'm sayin'?
69
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,730
Cause it's fucked up,
'cause you know I was an army brat, you know?
70
00:04:11,773 --> 00:04:13,603
My father's military,
so I grew up, you know,
71
00:04:13,644 --> 00:04:16,174
I grew up, like,
you know, this... Some of this is new.
72
00:04:16,212 --> 00:04:18,302
I grew up like
on army bases all my life, you know what I'm sayin'?
73
00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:20,295
And all I know is
all that army talk,
74
00:04:20,347 --> 00:04:22,647
and you got square meals,
and the house and all that shit.
75
00:04:22,697 --> 00:04:24,387
Then, you know,
my father been to war,
76
00:04:24,438 --> 00:04:26,528
so that shit like
scared his ass, you know what I'm sayin'?
77
00:04:26,570 --> 00:04:27,920
He been, like, Vietnam, Korea.
78
00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:29,753
He used to snap out.
79
00:04:29,791 --> 00:04:31,841
See, war will drive
your ass crazy.
80
00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,270
He used to wake up
in the middle of the night chokin' us and shit.
81
00:04:33,316 --> 00:04:34,836
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
82
00:04:34,883 --> 00:04:36,803
You know what I'm sayin'?
83
00:04:36,841 --> 00:04:38,931
You know,
"It's an enemy in the house, enemy in the house."
84
00:04:38,974 --> 00:04:41,414
You know,
"Fuckin' we're your kids, get the fuck up off us.
85
00:04:42,891 --> 00:04:45,811
"The second time
this week and shit."
86
00:04:45,850 --> 00:04:48,850
Fuck, he sweatin'
and shit, got camouflage on his fuckin' face.
87
00:04:48,897 --> 00:04:50,377
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
88
00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:51,770
Fuckin' trip wire layin'
all through the house,
89
00:04:51,813 --> 00:04:53,253
we can't even get up
and get no water at night.
90
00:04:56,252 --> 00:04:57,952
We had to go
through that shit, you know what I'm sayin'?
91
00:04:57,993 --> 00:04:59,693
My mother left his
ass for like three years,
92
00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:01,914
'cause she was like,
"I can't take this shit."
93
00:05:01,953 --> 00:05:05,003
So we left like
from one of them forts way on the West Coast somewhere
94
00:05:05,043 --> 00:05:07,223
and moved to Jamaica,
Queens and shit, you know what I'm sayin'?
95
00:05:07,263 --> 00:05:09,313
I didn't know,
you know, for real.
96
00:05:09,352 --> 00:05:11,052
But it was like
a culture shock, you know what I'm sayin'?
97
00:05:11,093 --> 00:05:12,623
Cause you know, army bases,
you know, you grow up,
98
00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:14,310
you know,
you got all this shit.
99
00:05:14,357 --> 00:05:16,357
I didn't know nothing
about no welfare, food stamps,
100
00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:18,583
none of that shit
until this day, you know what I'm sayin'?
101
00:05:18,622 --> 00:05:20,542
You know,
I'm mad at my mother.
102
00:05:20,581 --> 00:05:21,801
'Cause she told me that,
you know, we had to go on welfare.
103
00:05:21,843 --> 00:05:24,153
Six kids,
my mother by herself.
104
00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:26,333
You know, she told me
that shit was like the new money.
105
00:05:27,892 --> 00:05:29,812
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
106
00:05:29,851 --> 00:05:31,901
Food stamps
was the new money, you know what I'm sayin'?
107
00:05:31,940 --> 00:05:34,550
Sent me to school
with that shit on a field trip.
108
00:05:34,595 --> 00:05:36,725
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
109
00:05:36,771 --> 00:05:40,341
You know, I'm a little kid
and I'm, you know, I don't know no better.
110
00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:42,043
I'm just happy to go on a...
You know, you a kid,
111
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:43,870
you happy, you get to go
on a field trip, you know.
112
00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:45,388
Just sign a note,
you bring it home, you like,
113
00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:47,562
"Damn, I get to go
on a field trip, cool."
114
00:05:47,608 --> 00:05:49,698
You know, little kids
standin' around braggin', you know,
115
00:05:49,740 --> 00:05:52,440
"Yeah, how much money
you got to spend?"
116
00:05:52,482 --> 00:05:54,402
"I got five dollars."
117
00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:56,401
You know, one little kid,
that's a lot of money for a little-ass kid,
118
00:05:56,443 --> 00:05:58,583
so you go, like, "Damn."
And it's always one rich kid,
119
00:05:58,619 --> 00:06:00,799
he got like the most money.
120
00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:02,358
"How much money you got?"
"I got ten dollars, y'all hangin' with me."
121
00:06:03,972 --> 00:06:05,892
So I'm the new kid,
and they all lookin' at me like,
122
00:06:05,930 --> 00:06:08,630
"Yeah, look at his shit,
he got... How much money you got?"
123
00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:10,942
I'm like, "Shit,
124
00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:12,719
"I got books and books
of money."
125
00:06:12,763 --> 00:06:13,763
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
126
00:06:15,157 --> 00:06:16,807
"Y'all gonna be
hangin' with me."
127
00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:20,421
They was like, "Books
and books of money?"
128
00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:22,467
I'm like, "Yeah,
pow, pow, pow."
129
00:06:22,512 --> 00:06:24,042
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
130
00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:25,429
It's like, "Motherfucker,
them's food stamps,"
131
00:06:25,472 --> 00:06:26,522
I'm like, "Uh-uh,
that's the new money."
132
00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:31,741
Shit, I couldn't even get
in the goddamn park.
133
00:06:31,782 --> 00:06:33,522
That's the type
of childhood I had.
134
00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:35,087
That's why I'm angry now.
135
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:37,753
Shit, sometimes I just have
like little angry things.
136
00:06:37,788 --> 00:06:39,568
You know what I'm sayin',
I just go off.
137
00:06:39,616 --> 00:06:41,436
Childhood will do
that shit to you,
138
00:06:41,488 --> 00:06:43,448
it'll come back to you
when you're old and you realize, you know,
139
00:06:43,490 --> 00:06:45,010
"Damn, I had
a fucked-up childhood, I should fuck somebody up."
140
00:06:48,277 --> 00:06:49,277
This motherfucker.
141
00:06:51,541 --> 00:06:54,811
Like we don't see you
sneakin' through this motherfucker.
142
00:06:54,849 --> 00:06:57,159
Who you...
Who you runnin' from?
143
00:06:57,199 --> 00:06:58,459
[MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
144
00:06:58,505 --> 00:06:59,975
Tryin' to help somebody,
or have a seizure?
145
00:07:00,028 --> 00:07:01,328
Is he cool?
146
00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:02,767
He's all right? Cool.
147
00:07:02,813 --> 00:07:04,733
That's the only reason
why we let you move,
148
00:07:04,772 --> 00:07:06,642
'cause you know
you can't move, you know what I'm sayin'?
149
00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:08,517
From this shit,
'cause the cameras catch your Captain America ass...
150
00:07:08,558 --> 00:07:09,858
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
151
00:07:09,907 --> 00:07:11,997
...runnin' through
this motherfucker.
152
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,960
I thought Spiderman was behind
your motherfuckin' ass or some shit.
153
00:07:15,739 --> 00:07:16,909
Motherfucker...
154
00:07:16,958 --> 00:07:18,828
What's that shit he got on.
155
00:07:18,873 --> 00:07:21,403
Stars and stripes, what, is
the shield stuck in your ass?
156
00:07:23,965 --> 00:07:25,965
And he to the rescue and shit,
157
00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:27,230
"Somebody's havin' a seizure."
158
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:41,417
So are you all ready
for the next comedian?
159
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,461
AUDIENCE: Yes.
Is he funny?
160
00:07:46,204 --> 00:07:47,604
Hell, yeah, ladies
and gentlemen.
161
00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:49,901
Coming to the stage,
all the way from D.C.,
162
00:07:49,947 --> 00:07:52,077
give it up
for my man, T. Rexx.
163
00:08:06,573 --> 00:08:08,443
What's up, what's up,
what's up, what's up?
164
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,658
How you all doin'?
165
00:08:09,706 --> 00:08:11,396
AUDIENCE: All right!
166
00:08:11,447 --> 00:08:13,537
Where my white people at,
where they at?
167
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:14,800
[LIGHT CHEERS IN AUDIENCE]
168
00:08:14,842 --> 00:08:16,932
Okay.
169
00:08:16,974 --> 00:08:20,244
I'm sorry, pigment-challenged,
I'm sorry, sweetheart, how you doin'?
170
00:08:20,282 --> 00:08:22,502
Pigment-challenged.
What's up, sweetheart in the balcony?
171
00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:24,545
Surrounded
by niggas.
172
00:08:24,591 --> 00:08:25,551
You ain't...
You ain't learned shit from the O.J. trial, did ya?
173
00:08:27,332 --> 00:08:29,602
They didn't teach you shit.
174
00:08:29,639 --> 00:08:31,769
Well, you would have got
fucked up in the riots.
175
00:08:31,815 --> 00:08:34,245
Black or not, you would have
got fucked up in the riots, goddamn it.
176
00:08:34,296 --> 00:08:35,816
'Cause you look
white from here, shit.
177
00:08:44,045 --> 00:08:45,825
I don't give a fuck.
I'll fuck with the white people, though.
178
00:08:45,873 --> 00:08:47,183
I can't smoke weed
with them though.
179
00:08:47,222 --> 00:08:49,402
Ever since that
Jeffrey Dahmer shit,
180
00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:51,141
I can't fuck with white people
and munchies, you know what I'm sayin'?
181
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,400
Y'all motherfuckers
start goin' crazy.
182
00:08:55,447 --> 00:08:57,147
I had... I had the privilege
of smoking with some rednecks
183
00:08:57,188 --> 00:08:59,148
in Columbia, South Carolina.
184
00:08:59,190 --> 00:09:00,580
These motherfuckers
were crazy.
185
00:09:00,627 --> 00:09:02,667
Rednecks crazier than
a motherfucker, man.
186
00:09:02,716 --> 00:09:04,406
Sittin' there smoking weed
with these motherfuckers, goin' crazy.
187
00:09:05,457 --> 00:09:06,457
[INHALES DEEPLY]
188
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,588
[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
"See now, that right there..."
189
00:09:10,637 --> 00:09:12,457
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
190
00:09:12,508 --> 00:09:14,078
"That there's the shit, okay?
191
00:09:14,118 --> 00:09:16,028
"That's what I'm sayin'.
Now wait up, hold on now,
192
00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:18,647
"don't jump the gun now.
That there's the shit."
193
00:09:18,688 --> 00:09:20,208
[INHALES DEEPLY]
"Whoo!
194
00:09:20,255 --> 00:09:22,205
"That there's the shit."
[COUGHS]
195
00:09:22,257 --> 00:09:24,087
"That there's the shit,
196
00:09:24,128 --> 00:09:26,298
"that there's the shit."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
197
00:09:26,348 --> 00:09:28,868
"Wait, that there's the shit.
198
00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:32,834
"Goddamn. Wait, hold up.
199
00:09:32,876 --> 00:09:35,576
"Can you all see me,
'cause I sure can't see y'all.
200
00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:37,618
"Goddamn."
201
00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:39,364
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
So I couldn't fuck with 'em too tough.
202
00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:45,629
I was trippin' one day,
I was smoking some weed in my hotel room and shit
203
00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:47,332
and I was checkin' out cable.
204
00:09:47,369 --> 00:09:49,809
Y'all ever seen Forrest Gump?
205
00:09:49,850 --> 00:09:53,030
All right, for those who
have seen the movie, Forrest had a kid.
206
00:09:53,070 --> 00:09:56,900
Remember this?
Forrest got the booty.
207
00:09:56,944 --> 00:09:59,644
Forrest got a... remember when
he came on himself at school?
208
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:01,636
When Jenny took out her breast
and Forrest came on himself?
209
00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:04,948
She said,
"Forrest, have you ever been with a woman before?"
210
00:10:04,995 --> 00:10:07,295
[IMITATES FORREST GUMP]
"I was sittin' next to them in home economics."
211
00:10:18,182 --> 00:10:19,842
She... [CHUCKLES]
212
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:22,230
She took her breast out,
Forrest came on himself.
213
00:10:22,273 --> 00:10:23,583
[GASPING]
214
00:10:24,928 --> 00:10:26,408
"I feel dizzy, Jenny.
215
00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:31,020
"Don't touch it,
don't touch it, don't touch it, don't touch it.
216
00:10:31,065 --> 00:10:32,455
"I feel dizzy, Jenny."
217
00:10:35,069 --> 00:10:36,239
How did...
218
00:10:39,813 --> 00:10:43,733
How did Forrest even go about
asking for the booty, know what I'm sayin'?
219
00:10:43,773 --> 00:10:48,563
"Jenny, can I break you off
a little somethin'-somethin'?"
220
00:10:57,744 --> 00:11:00,494
"I'm not a smart man,
but I know what booty is."
221
00:11:01,225 --> 00:11:02,225
[CHUCKLES]
222
00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:11,283
Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
223
00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:13,797
"These are my magic balls."
224
00:11:15,544 --> 00:11:17,684
Yeah, so... [CHUCKLES]
225
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,770
You know what else
I was watchin'? I was trippin' on this shit.
226
00:11:19,809 --> 00:11:21,679
I was watching
All in the Family the other day.
227
00:11:21,724 --> 00:11:23,554
The show with
Archie and Edith Bunker?
228
00:11:23,595 --> 00:11:25,725
Remember this?
They had a daughter, Gloria.
229
00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:27,432
Y'all remember Gloria,
the one that left the show to start doing those
230
00:11:27,469 --> 00:11:28,779
annoying-ass commercials
at two o'clock in the morning?
231
00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:31,560
Remember that shit?
232
00:11:31,603 --> 00:11:33,043
Archie and Edith
had a daughter, now think about that.
233
00:11:33,083 --> 00:11:35,043
They had to have sex
to have Gloria.
234
00:11:35,085 --> 00:11:37,215
And I think that the key to
a good sexual relationship
235
00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:38,791
is oral sex.
236
00:11:38,828 --> 00:11:40,528
I have a black belt
in tongue fu.
237
00:11:42,136 --> 00:11:43,746
[SCREAMS]
238
00:11:43,790 --> 00:11:45,660
[CHUCKLES]
239
00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:52,840
And Archie and Edith was
married for like what, 35 years or some shit?
240
00:11:52,886 --> 00:11:54,406
I think they was
havin' oral sex.
241
00:11:54,452 --> 00:11:56,452
As a matter of fact,
I even caught the episode.
242
00:11:56,498 --> 00:11:59,368
When Archie and Edith
were having oral sex, it was episode 69.
243
00:11:59,414 --> 00:12:02,244
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
244
00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:05,066
Archie came home and
asked Edith for a blow job, I was trippin'.
245
00:12:05,115 --> 00:12:06,725
Archie came
home from work.
246
00:12:06,769 --> 00:12:08,769
[HUMMING]
247
00:12:11,469 --> 00:12:12,509
Ahh!
248
00:12:12,557 --> 00:12:13,557
[CONTINUES HUMMING]
249
00:12:15,038 --> 00:12:17,208
"Ah, geez,
what the hell is this?
250
00:12:17,258 --> 00:12:18,608
"Ah, see, it's got
one of them...
251
00:12:18,650 --> 00:12:20,960
"Hey, Edith!
252
00:12:21,001 --> 00:12:23,661
"What's you doin'
in the kitchen there, heh?"
253
00:12:23,699 --> 00:12:25,609
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
254
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:34,361
"Oh, Archie,
I'm fixin' your dinner."
255
00:12:35,624 --> 00:12:37,764
"Yeah, that's very nice, dear.
256
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,720
"Edith, could you put it down
and come in here for a second, uh-huh?
257
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,199
"I got somethin' to show you."
258
00:12:46,374 --> 00:12:47,684
Edith run up in the room,
259
00:12:48,855 --> 00:12:50,325
"Oh, Archie!
260
00:12:50,378 --> 00:12:55,688
"Oh, Archie,
oh, Archie, ohh!
261
00:12:55,731 --> 00:12:56,731
"Oh!"
262
00:13:00,736 --> 00:13:02,126
"Yeah, that's right,
dear Edith,
263
00:13:02,172 --> 00:13:05,052
"what you're looking at
is 100% USDA beef.
264
00:13:07,395 --> 00:13:10,265
"Just, wanted you to go
downtown here, Edith."
265
00:13:10,311 --> 00:13:12,361
"Oh, Archie, I don't know
if I could do that."
266
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,270
"Would you jammy up
and give me head?
267
00:13:15,925 --> 00:13:17,485
"Yeah, that's what
I'm talkin' about here, Edith,
268
00:13:17,535 --> 00:13:19,755
"I swear to God, ow, ow, ow,
Edith, Edith, Edith,
269
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,539
"take your teeth out, Edith,
take your teeth out."
270
00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:23,453
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
271
00:13:23,498 --> 00:13:25,538
"Scraping up the jimmy there.
272
00:13:25,587 --> 00:13:26,807
"Don't be scrapin' up
the jimmy.
273
00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:30,846
"I swear to God..."
274
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:33,597
Fellas, did you ever have
a blowjob that feels so good you just feel like singin'?
275
00:13:33,638 --> 00:13:37,288
Just feel like turning
the whole sexual experience into a musical and shit?
276
00:13:37,338 --> 00:13:40,208
"Oh, jeez, I swear to God,
dear Edith, oh, God, God,
277
00:13:40,254 --> 00:13:42,564
"what you doin' with
your tongue there, Edith? Oh my gosh, oh, oh."
278
00:13:42,604 --> 00:13:45,044
My name is T. Rexx,
y'all have been a lot of fun, thanks a lot.
279
00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:58,713
T. Rexx, yo.
280
00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:05,892
Without further ado,
are y'all ready for this next comedian?
281
00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:08,242
AUDIENCE: Damn.
Is he funny?
282
00:14:08,282 --> 00:14:10,202
Hell yeah,
ladies and gentlemen.
283
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,810
From D.C., second time
playin' on Def Jam, rippin' shit up.
284
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,333
We got a lot of D.C.
people on the show.
285
00:14:15,376 --> 00:14:18,026
Give it up for my man,
a veteran from way back,
286
00:14:18,074 --> 00:14:19,254
Mr. Pierre.
287
00:14:26,909 --> 00:14:28,959
What's up, New York?
288
00:14:28,998 --> 00:14:31,088
Motherfuckin'
howlin', howlin'.
289
00:14:31,131 --> 00:14:32,611
From Washington,
D.C., representin'.
290
00:14:32,654 --> 00:14:34,094
The Million Man March
was positive,
291
00:14:34,134 --> 00:14:35,354
you know what I'm sayin'?
292
00:14:35,396 --> 00:14:38,086
I don't care
what the media said.
293
00:14:38,138 --> 00:14:40,138
Media tryin' to say wasn't
but 400,000 motherfuckers down there.
294
00:14:40,183 --> 00:14:41,923
Fuck the media.
295
00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:43,448
Motherfucker. I don't care
if four niggas come together,
296
00:14:43,491 --> 00:14:45,151
if there's peace and unity,
nigga, I'm happy.
297
00:14:45,188 --> 00:14:47,098
Motherfucker, fuck 'em.
298
00:14:47,147 --> 00:14:49,187
You heard 'em down there,
299
00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:50,846
"We're down here
with Farrakhan and he wanted a million black men,
300
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,280
"but he didn't get it.
301
00:14:52,326 --> 00:14:55,456
"Only a couple showed up."
A couple only showed up.
302
00:14:55,503 --> 00:14:57,073
Had them same brothers
started rioting,
303
00:14:57,113 --> 00:14:58,903
it would have been
a million niggas then.
304
00:14:58,941 --> 00:15:00,381
"Jesus Christ,
there's niggers all over the place,
305
00:15:00,421 --> 00:15:03,471
"I've never seen
so many niggers in my life.
306
00:15:03,511 --> 00:15:05,771
"They comin' from Africa,
they all in the Reflecting Pool.
307
00:15:05,817 --> 00:15:06,987
"Damn. Jesus."
308
00:15:08,342 --> 00:15:09,732
"About eight million niggas
down here."
309
00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:11,998
See, ain't that a bitch?
310
00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:14,741
Soon as a nigga pick up
a brick, he multiply by three, ain't that a bitch?
311
00:15:14,783 --> 00:15:15,833
Motherfucker.
312
00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:20,007
I met... I met...
I met a girl one time.
313
00:15:20,049 --> 00:15:21,749
Straight from
The Ricki Lake show.
314
00:15:21,790 --> 00:15:24,230
Straight hood-rat,
she was under-the-hood-rat.
315
00:15:24,271 --> 00:15:26,321
Motherfucker, she was
a carburetor rat, you know what I'm sayin'?
316
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:27,450
A transmission rat.
317
00:15:29,189 --> 00:15:31,499
She was nasty.
318
00:15:31,539 --> 00:15:32,929
I went over
to her house, right?
319
00:15:32,975 --> 00:15:34,495
I went over to her house,
man, to holler at her.
320
00:15:34,542 --> 00:15:36,202
I went over to her house,
get to her bedroom.
321
00:15:36,239 --> 00:15:37,889
You know she's somebody
who got a filthy-ass bedroom,
322
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,547
I mean just piles of clothes
all over the damn floor?
323
00:15:40,591 --> 00:15:42,291
Look like laundry day
every day?
324
00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:45,155
She talkin' about,
"Take off your clothes."
325
00:15:45,205 --> 00:15:46,505
And niggas, you know
how it is when you in...
326
00:15:46,554 --> 00:15:47,824
When you go to
somebody else's house
327
00:15:47,859 --> 00:15:48,949
and you don't feel
too comfortable.
328
00:15:48,991 --> 00:15:50,251
"No, you take
your shit off first.
329
00:15:50,297 --> 00:15:52,337
"I don't live here,
shoe for a shoe,
330
00:15:52,386 --> 00:15:54,386
"take your shoe off,
I'll take my shoe off, same time, fuck that.
331
00:15:54,431 --> 00:15:55,611
"Go on now, I ain't...
Hey, I ain't takin' my shit off first."
332
00:15:57,521 --> 00:15:59,701
Oh, so I'm gonna take
my shirt off, I hear... [KNOCKS]
333
00:15:59,741 --> 00:16:01,051
"Say, what the hell is that?"
[GASPS]
334
00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:02,350
"That's my daddy, oh shit.
Get down, get down."
335
00:16:02,396 --> 00:16:04,136
I say, "What the hell?"
"Who in there?"
336
00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:05,530
"Hold on, Daddy,
get down in the corner, get down."
337
00:16:05,573 --> 00:16:07,533
I got down in the corner,
I'm hidin' and shit.
338
00:16:07,575 --> 00:16:10,225
She puttin' socks
and shoes and shit and drawers on my head.
339
00:16:10,273 --> 00:16:13,023
I'm hidin', I'm in the corner,
I got some drawers on my head.
340
00:16:13,059 --> 00:16:14,409
And I'm hidin' like a bitch.
341
00:16:16,410 --> 00:16:18,370
And I'm lookin'
through the drawers
342
00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:20,722
at a pile of clothes
in the other corner, lookin' at me.
343
00:16:25,897 --> 00:16:27,417
Oh, hell no.
344
00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:33,912
[CHUCKLES]
345
00:16:33,949 --> 00:16:37,519
Bro like, "Nigga,
I been here since Wednesday.
346
00:16:37,561 --> 00:16:40,611
"Better howl it, nigga.
She don't wash it but once a week, brother."
347
00:16:48,181 --> 00:16:49,701
So I'm ready to do
this shit, right?
348
00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:51,917
But I gotta pee.
You know how you can't, you know.
349
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:54,007
I go to the bathroom,
I say, "Hold on girl, Gotta go to the bathroom."
350
00:16:54,056 --> 00:16:56,706
So I go to pee, right?
But my johnson is hard, though, you know,
351
00:16:56,754 --> 00:16:58,504
it's pointin' up.
352
00:16:58,539 --> 00:16:59,889
And fellas, you know
how the toilet be down, though.
353
00:17:01,194 --> 00:17:02,244
You can't bend it.
354
00:17:02,282 --> 00:17:03,282
Ahh!
355
00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:06,156
So what a nigga do?
356
00:17:06,199 --> 00:17:07,899
He put his hand on the wall
and just lean back.
357
00:17:14,424 --> 00:17:16,174
You know what I'm
motherfuckin' sayin'?
358
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:18,523
[CHUCKLES]
359
00:17:18,559 --> 00:17:19,689
Fuck that.
360
00:17:25,131 --> 00:17:26,701
So I come back
in the room, right?
361
00:17:26,741 --> 00:17:28,661
Come back in the room.
362
00:17:28,699 --> 00:17:30,479
She talkin' about,
"Let's do it, let's get it, come on, let's get it."
363
00:17:30,527 --> 00:17:32,657
So I said, "All right, cool."
So we started messin' around,
364
00:17:32,703 --> 00:17:34,883
we start making love,
start doin' it, we're workin' it, workin' it.
365
00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:37,493
She said one word
every man hate to hear.
366
00:17:37,534 --> 00:17:40,714
I'm workin' it,
she talkin' about, "Ah, ah, ah, deeper."
367
00:17:40,755 --> 00:17:43,885
What the hell is wrong with
y'all ladies, like a nigga ain't tryin' to go deep.
368
00:17:43,932 --> 00:17:46,412
You know, it's like
we got some extra dick around the corner we hidin'.
369
00:17:46,456 --> 00:17:47,886
"Oh, you want
the big dick, oh."
370
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,640
Motherfucker.
371
00:17:55,683 --> 00:17:56,683
[CHUCKLES]
372
00:18:00,818 --> 00:18:02,778
And the thing about it...
Ladies, ladies, when you say deeper,
373
00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:05,080
what does every man do?
Twist his waist. "Deeper?"
374
00:18:07,869 --> 00:18:09,909
"Hell no, I got this nigga,
I got all the side to side,
375
00:18:09,958 --> 00:18:11,918
"I want the back, nigga,
the back.
376
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,270
"I got the side to side."
377
00:18:17,705 --> 00:18:20,225
And then...
And when they say deeper, that's your ego, fellas.
378
00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:22,413
You know your ego
gets injured. You hold yourself up,
379
00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:24,149
"Now hold on, deeper?
I ain't no bull... Ain't no bullshit no nigga."
380
00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:25,230
You start holdin' yourself up,
381
00:18:26,192 --> 00:18:28,152
and you be workin', fellas.
382
00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:30,244
And you be workin' so long
that muscle back here start to hurt
383
00:18:30,283 --> 00:18:31,373
and them arms start to wobble.
384
00:18:43,470 --> 00:18:44,910
It's like, "Fuck it,
you hold me up."
385
00:18:47,691 --> 00:18:49,691
Too much pressure,
too much pressure.
386
00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:53,614
And... And that's
an ego thing, too.
387
00:18:53,654 --> 00:18:55,664
The woman be like, "Deeper,
a real man can fuck me."
388
00:18:55,699 --> 00:18:58,529
That's a, "I'm gonna kill
this motherfucker tonight."
389
00:18:58,572 --> 00:19:00,012
You be workin',
sweatin' and shit.
390
00:19:00,051 --> 00:19:01,311
Slobberin', and she's
still talkin' about,
391
00:19:01,357 --> 00:19:04,447
"Deeper, a real man
can go for it."
392
00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,011
Don't take that shit, fellas.
393
00:19:06,057 --> 00:19:07,797
If you workin' the best you
can, you workin' that ass,
394
00:19:07,842 --> 00:19:09,542
you doin' everything,
you puttin' your ass in it, your balls,
395
00:19:09,583 --> 00:19:11,503
you're holdin' yourself up.
396
00:19:11,541 --> 00:19:13,631
She still talkin' about,
"Deeper, a real man can fuck me."
397
00:19:13,674 --> 00:19:15,594
You look at her and say,
"No, no, no.
398
00:19:15,632 --> 00:19:18,852
"Fuck deeper,
how 'bout you tighter, tighten your shit up."
399
00:19:42,485 --> 00:19:44,305
Here, y'all.
400
00:19:45,662 --> 00:19:46,662
Here.
401
00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:51,320
Here, in the house.
402
00:19:56,151 --> 00:19:57,761
Shit was funny, man?
403
00:19:57,805 --> 00:19:59,235
He didn't like...
404
00:19:59,285 --> 00:20:01,155
You sittin' there like,
"Oh, shit."
405
00:20:02,462 --> 00:20:04,682
Like you had
a good-ass meal, "Oh...
406
00:20:05,856 --> 00:20:07,156
"Yeah, that nigga was good."
407
00:20:08,511 --> 00:20:11,471
"Put some hot sauce on him."
408
00:20:11,514 --> 00:20:16,564
All right y'all.
Are you all ready for the next comedian?
409
00:20:16,606 --> 00:20:18,826
AUDIENCE: Damn.
Is he funny?
410
00:20:21,002 --> 00:20:22,312
Well, it's not a he.
411
00:20:22,351 --> 00:20:24,011
You've seen all
the guys come up here
412
00:20:24,048 --> 00:20:25,618
and this lady right here,
you know what I'm sayin',
413
00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,359
she's from
Los Angeles, California.
414
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,710
She came here before
and ripped it up.
415
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:31,620
Got her own style,
you know what I'm sayin'?
416
00:20:31,665 --> 00:20:33,615
She gonna come out here
and get deep, down,
417
00:20:33,667 --> 00:20:35,187
and tell y'all
what's happenin'.
418
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,974
Please welcome back,
you know what I'm sayin',
419
00:20:37,018 --> 00:20:39,278
she's like rockin' the house,
messed it up before,
420
00:20:39,325 --> 00:20:40,495
you'll know her
when she comes out.
421
00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:42,553
My girl,
Miss Sheryl Underwood.
422
00:20:56,037 --> 00:20:58,907
All right, let me clarify
a couple of things I've heard tonight.
423
00:21:00,955 --> 00:21:02,825
Let's talk about
this tight pussy.
424
00:21:03,740 --> 00:21:04,740
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
425
00:21:06,221 --> 00:21:09,051
I want to tell the church
this evening,
426
00:21:09,093 --> 00:21:11,493
don't be tellin' somebody
to tighten up their pussy.
427
00:21:11,531 --> 00:21:13,011
My pussy's already tight.
428
00:21:13,054 --> 00:21:14,234
Pussy is so tight,
429
00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:15,453
it's tighter than
a rubber band around
430
00:21:15,491 --> 00:21:17,451
a Sunday newspaper,
pussy tight.
431
00:21:17,493 --> 00:21:20,243
Pussy so motherfuckin' tight,
I could smoke a cigarette
432
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:21,719
with my pussy, it's so tight.
433
00:21:26,372 --> 00:21:28,072
Ya fuckin' with
the wrong bitch,
434
00:21:28,112 --> 00:21:29,642
that's what your problem is.
435
00:21:31,638 --> 00:21:33,678
Now, let's talk
about something else.
436
00:21:33,727 --> 00:21:36,597
Now, they kind of glazed
over O.J. Simpson.
437
00:21:36,643 --> 00:21:39,043
Let me talk about O.J.
just for a minute.
438
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,340
I want the world to know
439
00:21:41,387 --> 00:21:42,907
that we, as a people,
440
00:21:42,953 --> 00:21:46,573
were not only cheerin'
O.J. Simpson not guilty,
441
00:21:46,609 --> 00:21:50,269
we were cheerin' the skill
of Johnnie Cochran.
442
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:52,309
[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
443
00:21:56,358 --> 00:22:00,618
But what we were not cheerin'
was domestic violence.
444
00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:03,577
Now I... I really want to
bring this to the people.
445
00:22:03,626 --> 00:22:07,536
I know why the Brown family
was cryin' so hard on the stand.
446
00:22:07,587 --> 00:22:10,887
Because they watched their
daughter get her ass whooped
447
00:22:10,938 --> 00:22:13,028
and didn't jump in.
448
00:22:13,070 --> 00:22:15,120
[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
449
00:22:18,119 --> 00:22:20,559
Had it been a black family...
450
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:21,600
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
451
00:22:23,342 --> 00:22:25,652
It would have been
a little bit different.
452
00:22:25,692 --> 00:22:30,782
Had it been me,
and I'm fuckin' Kid Capri...
453
00:22:30,827 --> 00:22:32,827
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS
AND GROANS]
454
00:22:38,574 --> 00:22:42,364
And I'm not loadin'
the records up fast enough in the trunk of the car.
455
00:22:46,669 --> 00:22:49,629
Hold on,
hold on now, hold on.
456
00:22:49,672 --> 00:22:51,852
And he wanna
knock a bitch out,
457
00:22:53,589 --> 00:22:56,979
I'm gonna crawl into the house
and get on the phone
458
00:22:57,027 --> 00:23:01,417
and call my mamma,
Joyce Underwood, my father, Cleo Underwood,
459
00:23:01,467 --> 00:23:04,117
my sister Sandy,
my sister Mae,
460
00:23:04,165 --> 00:23:06,425
my sister Rochelle,
my brother Chris,
461
00:23:06,472 --> 00:23:10,392
my brother Steve,
my best friend Norma, my girlfriend Hope...
462
00:23:17,831 --> 00:23:21,011
And three or four
motherfuckers I fucked prom night.
463
00:23:29,451 --> 00:23:32,801
And they're gonna get
in the car, and come over to the house
464
00:23:32,846 --> 00:23:34,796
and whip that
motherfucker's ass.
465
00:23:34,848 --> 00:23:36,678
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
466
00:23:36,719 --> 00:23:42,249
But when I go back
to sexy-ass, pretty, yellow Kid Capri
467
00:23:44,510 --> 00:23:46,210
the family will say,
468
00:23:46,250 --> 00:23:48,990
"Bitch, you're on your own."
469
00:23:49,036 --> 00:23:52,686
Brothers, when you're
in college, who is it that typed your term paper?
470
00:23:52,735 --> 00:23:54,735
Had it made,
Susie Q, a sister.
471
00:23:54,781 --> 00:23:57,261
Who is it that put the Icy Hot
on your football injury?
472
00:23:57,305 --> 00:23:59,045
Had it made,
Susie Q, a sister.
473
00:23:59,089 --> 00:24:02,139
Who is it that steal food
for you from the dining hall
474
00:24:02,179 --> 00:24:05,879
'cause your financial aid
ain't come through, but a black woman?
475
00:24:07,358 --> 00:24:09,928
But when you get
that NFL contract
476
00:24:09,970 --> 00:24:13,230
and you get
that NBA contract, who do you marry?
477
00:24:13,277 --> 00:24:16,187
You marry Bambi,
you run the other way...
478
00:24:16,237 --> 00:24:19,807
'Cause you feel like
a sister is a gold digger.
479
00:24:19,849 --> 00:24:21,499
We tryin' to get your money.
480
00:24:21,547 --> 00:24:23,417
Brother, I don't want
all your money,
481
00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:25,512
I just want to go
to the grocery store
482
00:24:25,551 --> 00:24:28,681
and get me some pantyhose
every once in a while.
483
00:24:28,728 --> 00:24:30,248
I don't want all your money.
484
00:24:30,294 --> 00:24:32,174
You should have been fuckin'
with a country ho
485
00:24:32,209 --> 00:24:34,389
such as myself from Arkansas.
486
00:24:34,429 --> 00:24:35,999
You would have got
your dick sucked
487
00:24:36,039 --> 00:24:38,299
and biscuits from scratch
up in that motherfucker.
488
00:24:44,221 --> 00:24:45,271
Hold on.
489
00:24:52,447 --> 00:24:54,187
I'm not tryin'...
490
00:24:54,231 --> 00:24:58,191
I'm not tryin' to say
you can't date anybody you want to date.
491
00:24:58,235 --> 00:24:59,885
Love don't have no color.
492
00:24:59,933 --> 00:25:02,503
I date any kind of man.
I know you all wants to know,
493
00:25:02,544 --> 00:25:04,244
sure, have you ever
fucked a white man?
494
00:25:04,285 --> 00:25:06,235
Yes I did,
once in my life,
495
00:25:06,287 --> 00:25:08,507
but that's because
the rent was due.
496
00:25:11,945 --> 00:25:14,425
And that motherfucker
was the landlord.
497
00:25:14,469 --> 00:25:16,469
But now, I own the building.
498
00:25:19,169 --> 00:25:20,209
Peace out.
499
00:25:36,622 --> 00:25:39,152
Sheryl Underwood, y'all.
500
00:25:40,408 --> 00:25:41,408
Goddamn.
501
00:25:45,369 --> 00:25:47,809
Goddamn. [CHUCKLES]
502
00:25:47,850 --> 00:25:50,110
Sheryl will be preaching at...
503
00:25:50,157 --> 00:25:53,287
[ALL LAUGH]
504
00:25:53,334 --> 00:25:57,474
The First Tabernacle Church
on 125th,
505
00:25:57,512 --> 00:25:58,772
openin' up Sunday.
506
00:25:59,906 --> 00:26:01,946
I'm glad she was last.
507
00:26:01,995 --> 00:26:04,555
I gotta smell all this dick
from her breath on the mic.
508
00:26:11,613 --> 00:26:14,793
Before I bring the man up here
who makes all this happen,
509
00:26:14,834 --> 00:26:17,054
I want to dedicate this show
to a woman that I... I...
510
00:26:17,097 --> 00:26:18,837
I had the pleasure
of workin' with,
511
00:26:18,881 --> 00:26:20,671
taught me a lot
the little time I worked with her.
512
00:26:20,709 --> 00:26:22,669
Worked with her and Rock,
when he was on
513
00:26:22,711 --> 00:26:24,061
and then Tales of the Hood.
514
00:26:24,104 --> 00:26:26,504
Miss Rosalind Cash,
a very good black actress.
515
00:26:29,544 --> 00:26:32,424
Who passed away,
you know what I'm sayin'?
516
00:26:32,460 --> 00:26:34,770
But for me to say
that to y'all
517
00:26:34,810 --> 00:26:36,810
is because of my man,
Mr. Russell Simmons.
518
00:26:36,856 --> 00:26:38,896
Give it up, y'all.
519
00:26:39,859 --> 00:26:40,859
Yeah.
520
00:26:43,253 --> 00:26:45,823
We got a rap for y'all.
521
00:26:45,865 --> 00:26:47,905
Thank you all for coming out,
God bless you, goodnight.
522
00:26:49,259 --> 00:26:51,169
Love y'all,
thanks for the support.
523
00:26:51,218 --> 00:26:53,218
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
524
00:26:53,268 --> 00:26:57,818
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