All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s06e01.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING] KID CAPRI: Straight out
of New York City.

It's the Russell Simmons'
Def Comedy All-Star Jam.

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

Put your hands
together for my man,

the new all-star
host, Mr. Chris Rock.

[CHEERING]

Wassup?

Def Jam.

You niggas ain't getting
dressed for shit, are ya?

[LAUGHTER]

Going to be on TV and
won't get dressed.

Damn.

This brother got
on fatigues and shit.

Got on his Army shit.

What, you just got back
from Dessert Storm?

You know, that's the first
sign they're going crazy?

Fatigues and the next sign
is raincoats and shit.

I saw so and so with
a raincoat on.

What's going on?
Brother's got his afro,

the dreadlock section
and shit, huh?

Dreds are played out, man.

Ain't nobody
call y'all up, huh?

That was about
four years ago, man.

You just can't
get them out, huh?

Well, next time you'll learn.

Don't follow a trend
so fuckin' fast, huh?

Ain't getting dressed,
all right.

Hey, white guy and shit.

All right, Hair Club
For Men, all right.

I'm not only the
president, I'm a client.

He's like the white guy,
the real white guy and shit, you know.

'Cause, there's another
white guy and got a sister.

Come to Def Jam, huh?

You going to go to Silvia's
after this shit?

[LAUGHTER]

"We're going to do black
stuff this week, honey.

"Honey, we're going to
do black stuff.

"We're going to go
see Dead Presidents,

"we're going to be
real black this week.

"I'll show you."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What the fuck goin' on, man?

Everything all right?
What's goin' on? OJ's shit, shit's over.

He's free. Free. Free.

The shit's like,
black people too happy, white people too mad.

White people pissed
like, "Fuck, bullshit.

"Fuck, I can't
believe this shit!

"He fuckin' got off!
Fuck, bullshit, fuck!"

I ain't seen white people
that mad since they canceled Mash and shit.

Mad, man. I don't know.

Fuck OJ, fuck Nicole.

What about the real victims?

The real victims.
Everybody OJ, Nicole.

What about the real...
You know, who the real victim is?

Ike! Ike Turner.

'Cause Ike was the king
of the woman beaters till OJ took his title.

Now Ike walking around going,
"Hey, I could've killed Tina!

"What about me?

"Give Ike a break, damn it!"

[APPLAUSE]

I know you're not supposed
to joke about shit like that no more.

You know what they say,
domestic abuse, domestic violence.

You know, they say there's
no reason to ever hit a woman.

Shit, there's a reason
to hit everybody.

You're just not
supposed to do it.

Shit, there's a reason
to kick an old man down a flight of stairs,

just don't do it.

Hey, I would never
hit a woman.

I would never ever
hit a woman.

But I'll shake the shit
out of a woman,

"What the fuck
is wrong with you?

"You out of your fuckin' mind?
Kill you, bitch."

Just jokin'.
Just fuckin' jokin'.

A lot of women here,
that's cool, I like women.

My mother's a woman,
that helps.

You know a cool
thing about women,

a woman can fall in love
with an ugly man and admit it.

Show him off to all her
friends and the family.

Be the ugliest fuckin'
guy in the world.

They'll be so proud of that
ugly man,

they'll hold his hand, they'll
drag him all around the place.

Introduce him to people like,
"This is Kevin. I want you to meet Kevin.

"I know he's not
that attractive, but he's good to me."

A lot of good movies out.
Dead Presidents,you know.

Vampires and shit.
Lot of cool shit.

Lot of black movies.
You know what's fucked up?

There's no good black porno.

A white porno flick
is a real porno flick.

Got actors and actresses
and a plot. Even has extras.

People walking around,
they're not even fuckin',

just pickin' up
shit and leave.

Ever see a black porno flick?
They're the sorriest shit on earth.

First of all, they film them
on View-Masters, all right?

There's no actors,
no actresses,

just a bunch of naked black
people sitting in a hotel room

looking at a shitty camera
goin', "Is it on? Is it on?"

"Well, give me money,
I want my money.

"I'll fuck her but I better
get paid, all right?"

You watch a black porno flick,
you always see old,

out of work black
actors, too. You're like,

"Ain't that the guy from
What's Happening?

"Ain't that the brother from
Barney Miller?That's him."

You know what else
white guys got good?

White guys got good
dirty magazines.

White guys have Playboy
and Penthouseand Hustler.

You know what brothers got?
Playersmagazine.

The lowest, dirtiest,
nastiest magazine on the face of the earth.

The pictures aren't even
in focus, that's how bad it is, okay?

Just a bunch of pictures
of black girls sitting on the toilet, all right?

[LAUGHTER]

And every time you like,
turnin' and the girls like,

"No! Stop! Close the door.

"Close the door, dammit."

You get Playboy,the girls
are posed all nice and sexy.

They got the pumps on,
fishnets, ass all out.

Them pussy hair is combed.

It's like pussy's got a perm.

You get Players,
them girls are all mad

'cause they only
getting 10 dollars.

Their pimp is takin' eight.

They all mad, they like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Pussy got dandruff.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And a bald spot.

You get Playboy,
the girls are all airbrushed.

You know, you don't see
no marks whatsoever.

You don't see shit.

You get Players,you see
like the stretch marks from the 10 kids she had.

See a big bullet
wound in her ass.

And the next night she's
on America's Most Wanted.

You always see a sentence
over a naked woman

of some shit she
might have said.

You get Playboy'sall nice
and white, the girl's like,

"You know, sometimes
I'm riding my bicycle

"and I'm fantasizing about me
and my boyfriend making love."

You get Players,that shit's
all black. The girl's like,

"You know, one time
my man hit the number,

"made me run home
and put on my good panties."

All women in here got
the good panties.

You know, what
I'm talking about.

Those panties, you know them
panties you put them in the back on the left.

Those panties you wear
when you just might fuck.

You go out with a good man,
put on the good panties.

You know what I hate?
Big panties.

Guys know what I'm talkin'
about, big fuckin' period ass bloomer panties,

been passed down from
generation to generation.

Like, 'Your grandmamma
wore these panties,

I wore these panties, you
should wear these panties."

Big fuckin' panties,
you stretch them,

they come up to the bra.

Big ol' drag racin' panties.

Like, "Shirley Muldowney,
you almost crashed into the wall.

"What saved you?"
"Big panties popped out."

I hate them big panties, man.

When you see a girl in a
pair of little panties, man,

that's the best
shit in the world.

I got a girl at my house
with some little panties,

I won't even fuck her
for a hour.

I just have her in my
house gettin' shit. "Baby, you get the salt?

"Little panties
gettin' the salt."

It's the best shit
in the world.

You see a girl in a big
pair of panties, you like,

"I got a job ahead of me.

"I ain't gonna fuck
her for an hour.

"Where the fuck am
I gonna put her?

"All I got is a studio."

All right, welcome to
the Def Comedy Jazam.

[APPLAUSE]

Give it up right now
if you're happy to be here, all right?

Def Jam.

Now our first comedian's
from Philly.

That's right, please
welcome Ronnie Long.

Give it up for Ronnie, ya'll.

Wassup?

Brooklyn's a crazy place.

Man, I was out in Brooklyn,
man walking through the Fulton Mall.

Wild, I seen one nigga
out there robbin' himself.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Hey, I know you've got it."

Hell of a thing, man.

Get locked up for
robbin' your damn self. Man.

'Cause I ain't trying
to get locked up, 'cause the media's crazy.

You ever notice the
media has a good way of makin' brothers look bad?

You ever watch the news or
something, they show a brother going to jail in slow motion?

Make 'em look bad.
He come out of jail in handcuffs,

he's trying slow motion
like this, in handcuffs.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I love women, man.
I love women, man.

Women lookin' good. One thing
I like about sisters, remember back in the day,

when the sisters used to come
out and do the drill team steps, man, remember that?

I use to love that.
They'd be in the school yard jammin' like.

"One, two three. Hit me beat."

♪ Yomeeka, yo.
Yomeka, yo, spell Mississippi

♪ You take my "M", my "I",
my cocolady, cocolady ♪

"Remember that shit?"

[APPLAUSE]

"And 'member, certain girls
used to get into it more than other ones.

"Like the shy,
they be like, "You take..."

The shy girls be like,
"You take my "M", my "I" my coca..."

They was shy.
Then there was them project girls.

Remember them, man?

And you knew they're from
the projects by their hair style, remember?

Hair be real pretty in
the front and back here it was like nothing.

Remember that shit?

Bitch be growin' potatoes
in the back of her hair, some shit.

Man, I need me a girl.
Man, I meet a lot of girls that got kids.

I ain't got nothin' against
girls that have kids,

but it's like you can never
have a conversation

on the phone with
a girl that has kids.

You ever try? So, all you
get is this shit.

"Hi, how you doin'?
I'm doin' fine. You hold on...

"Rasha put it down, Rasha.
Put it down.

"Hello, I'm sorry,
that's my... Hold on.

"What the fuck
did I tell you?"

But I like, like to watch a
lot of movies and shit.

What's up with the brothers in
Chinese movies?

They got a brother,
they get a brother's most,

the most fucked-up
voices in China.

You ever notice that?
Ever seen Return of the Dragon?

The brother in there?
"May I help you?" "May you help me?

"Sure."

"I like some
Chinese spare ribs."

"Uh, Chinese spare ribs?"

"You mean to tell me
you don't know what Chinese spare ribs are?

"Well, let me show you, man."
And they start hitting.

The hits be late and shit,
the sound effects.

[MIMICKING SOUND EFFECTS]

Sometimes too early.

Can you wait till I hit
his ass, please?

Yo, my name's Ronnie Long.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[APPLAUSE]

A'ight.

He was a'ight.

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Do you all feel better now?

Do you trust me?

AUDIENCE: No.

[LAUGHS]

All right, now the
next comedian's from Washington D.C.

D.C. Are y'all from D.C.?

Oh, you know they got
the mayor's on crack in DC, all right?

Don't be braggin' about D.C.,
the mayor's on the pipe.

They're acting like
it's a nice place.

That shit is Crackylvania.

I was at the Million
Man March and shit.

There was Farrakhan, there
was Jesse, and Marion Barry was right there.

I was like, "Damn, I hope
they didn't give him the meal money."

"Ain't nobody gonna
eat tonight."

It's like, "Marion spent up
the money. Smoked it up."

Y'all from D.C.?
Y'all voted for a crackhead, y'all realize what you did?

You realize black people
all across America

think y'all are
out of your fuckin' minds.

Who the hell lost to
Marion Barry? What was they campaign?

"Fuck the kids, vote for me.

"I'll shoot your ass,
vote for me."

What the fuck?

All right.
Comin' to the stage,

is a woman, a lady.

All right. I want y'all to
please welcome Dominque.

[APPLAUSE]

What's happening, y'all?

What's going on?

I almost ain't make it though,
'cause I got in here and I saw some signs that said,

"No smokin'."

And see, let me tell you
something, I smoke.

I smokes down.

I'm high now, I'm going to
be high when I leave,

and I'm going to be high
when I wake up in the motherfuckin' morning.

You understand?

And see, that's probably why
I don't have no damn job.

See, I had a good job but my
boss came to me, she said,

"You know, Dominque,
tomorrow's your drug test."

[CHUCKLES] I just
looked at her. She said, "Well, why you laughin'?"

I said, "'Cause this must be
my last motherfuckin' day.

"'Cause I'm positive than a
motherfucker.

"I pee in that cup,
leaves and smoke

"and all type of shit will
come out that cup.

"The nigga that sold me
the shit, his name would come up out the cup."

And people always
talkin' about, well, when you smoke weed

you just can't remember.

Everything wasn't
meant to be remembered.

I bet if your ass owed
me some money, I'd remember that shit.

Whatever. What?

And them people smoke weed,
they complain like everybody else,

talkin' about, "Dominque,
you can smoke, but you don't know how to roll."

I don't need to
know how to roll.

The niggas that I roll
with know how to roll.

What? What?

And she fired me because
she was an old ugly ass lady.

I don't understand ugly
people, they start trouble.

If you ugly,
don't have no kids.

The shit is not fair.

Then they want to grow up
and marry kids like my kids.

No monkey man motherfuckers
in this family.

And you know when
you got an ugly child, just be pretending they cute.

You see, you, you know
you got an ugly child...

You can walk in the mall
and see somebody you ain't

seen in a long time and shit.

You be like, "Hi Lisa,
how you doin'?

"That's your son?

"Well, what you been up to?"

They don't even acknowledge
their ugly asses.

And I had a ugly
boyfriend, too.

He was ugly,
but he wasn't broke.

'Cause there ain't nothin'
worse than a broke-ass man.

If your ass broke, you need
to be locked the hell up.

And maybe once you
get off that chain gang,

you understand
a little bit better.

And you always know
a broke man.

Girl, don't you ever date
no man that drive no car

that end with no "O".

Geo. Yugo. Pinto. Tempo.

'Cause that "O"
stand for somethin'.

Oh my motherfuckin' goodness,
don't even go there. Shit.

Peace, God bless.
My name's Dominque.

[APPLAUSE]

All right.

Give it up for Shirley
from What's Happening. Come on.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Rerun and Raj will be
here a little later.

I'm just jokin'.

[LAUGHS]

Y'all, you been, ever been
in bed with a girl,

you both talkin' dirty
and you go too far?

Say some shit that gets
you kicked out of bed?

And she's like, "Fuck me,
fuck me. Harder, harder, fuck me. Fuck me, fuck me."

"All right, you little slut."

"Who you callin' a slut?"

And you gotta
apologize and shit.

Take it... "Hey, I just
meant slut in a good way."

If you gonna talk
dirty to your woman,

you got to talk
with authority.

You can get a woman to do any
nasty little thing you want.

You say that shit like a man,
you make a little eye contact.

Look in her eye.
Come here, come here, you gonna do this shit.

She'll do it.

Anything you mumble
ain't gettin done.

'Cause you can't be
in bed all unsure like,

"Excuse me, excuse me,

"eh, could you lick my balls?"
"Huh? Huh?

"I ain't lickin' nothing.

"Lick you own balls."

See, if you had said it right,
you'd have been in there.

Now you got dry balls.

'Cause that's how life is,
man, you know, you got confidence wins.

You know, confidence wins.
This is 1996 damn near,

some women still
don't give head.

Ninety-fuckin'-six, no head.
It's damn near the Jetsons out this motherfucker.

Some women still
don't give head.

Whenever I meet a girl that
doesn't give head, I look them

like a fuckin' Betamax.
Like, they still make you?

They still make you?

Some guys don't eat pussy.

Like, "I don't got to
eat shit, I'm from the old school."

Shit, you don't eat no pussy,
boy, you gonna lose your woman like a set of keys.

"Damn, she was here
a minute ago.

"Okay, I got out the car.

"Walked over here."

I remember one time I this
girl's pussy so long, I got a hangover.

Cops gave me a breathalyzer.

Just jokes. Just joking.

All right, so I got to
bring out the next guy.

This next guy is
from Brooklyn Zoo.

Brooklyn Zoo.

Please give it up for
Rudy Rush. Come on.

[APPLAUSE]

Wassup?

[CROWD CHEERING]

Give it up for Chris Rock
one more time, y'all.

[APPLAUSE]

In the house.
How y'all doin'? Chilin'?

Y'all, I want to talk to you
'bout somethin' real quick.

'Cause this is some
serious, serious stuff.

It can happen to
anybody in here.

By a round of applause,
how many people

are familiar with these
black market tapes they sellin' now,

by round of applause?
Bootleg tapes?

For those of you that
don't know,

that's when somebody
takes a home video camera,

goes inside the movie theater,
and films the movie and sells it on the street.

Now, some of y'all that
purchased some of those know what you get into.

Sometimes you get
a nice clear one, right?

But you know some of
the consequences, right?

Every once in a while you got
that one motherfucker

walking through your movie
to get some popcorn. Some shit.

I experienced some new shit
yesterday with these movies.

I'm watchin' a new movie,
Dead Presidents.

Anybody seen that?
It's phat, right?

I'm at home by myself,
watching this movie, I'm gettin' into it.

Movie's clear.

All of a sudden, this brother
goin' to jump up on my screen,

talkin' about,
"Hey, watch this part,

"this is a good part,
right here y'all."

I was like,
"What the fuck is this?

"No.

"Oh, shit."

It was like, what's goin',
you know how you, after the,

after the movie is over,
you get the credits, tell you who was up in the movie?

Think I had credits
on my shit?

The same brother jump
up give me shout-outs.

"Word. Peace to uptown,
Brooklyn in the house.

"Thanks for buying
my tape kid, I'm out."

Damn. Shit is fucked up.

New York is, New York is
the bomb though, right?

I love living in
New York, man.

There's no place,
no better place, y'all.

But we, we're, we're
misunderstood though, right?

Anybody from out of town
thinks things here are too crazy?

I know we got problems
like welfare, homelessness, crime, drugs.

But anybody know
what the real problem is?

Y'all don't know? Roaches.

Come on, let's get real.
Some of us got roaches to the point we come home

12 o'clock at night, come in
the kitchen, like,

"Oh shit. I got roaches."

But I went to go visit this
young lady and her family, it was out of control.

I mean everything...
Everything was cool at first.

I'm meeting everybody,
meeting the father.

"How you doin', sir?"

Met the mother,
"How you doin', ma'am?"

Roaches off in the corner.

"What, motherfucker? You can't
say nothing to us?"

I was like, "My bad,
kid, wassup?

"What's goin' on? Chill."

Well, what was messed up.

I didn't recognize one of
them from my old apartment.

Well he, 'cause he'd got
big and was lifting weights and shit.

I was like, I was like,
"You got big."

He said, "Nigga,
they got food in here."

And I can't be messing
with y'all girls too, man, 'cause in the nineties,

things are dangerous.

And I'm going to tell you
women right now,

y'all got to stop getting
us men beat up in public.

Y'all laughing.
That shit ain't funny.

And y'all try to front
fellas, we try to act hard,

"Yo, that ain't goin' to
happen to me."

We know how to avoid shit.

Women, y'all
don't let shit slide.

I went to the movies with
my girl, we goin' to see The Lion King.

All of a sudden,
four big motherfuckers came out of nowhere.

Smoking mad weed,
talkin' shit right behind us.

"Ha, ha.

"Yo kid, yo, you know what
we ain't do in a long time?

"We ain't fucked nobody up
in a long time, yo."

I'm standing there,
they right behind me.

I'm like, "Ha, ha,
they gonna fuck me up."

But I'm chilin' though.

You know what I'm sayin'?
I'm chilin'. I'm ignoring it.

But then they start
talkin' 'bout my girl.

"Look at that shit, kid.

"Yo, she got a fat ass right,
just like your baby bubba shit, right?"

Now fellas, we gonna try
to ignore it, right?

I'm like, "Yeah, what time
this movie start?"

But can y'all women
ignore that shit?

Hell no, my girl was like,

"You don't hear them
motherfuckers talkin' about my ass back there?"

And fellas, we switch out
real quick, right?

"See, see that's
the shit I hate.

"You think you the only girl
in line with a fat ass.

"They talkin' about
that girl up there. Your shit ain't like that."

So I figure, I passed all
they tests right?

Then they took it
to the next level.

Started hittin' my ass.

I'm chilin' on line, like,
"Yeah I'm straight now."

Shit, damn.

And I knew they knew
I was hurt 'cause blood was

tricklin' down
the back of my neck.

But fellas, are we
gonna turn around?

Hell no, I was like,
"Is this motherfuckin' building breaking up over me?

"They need to fix this shit.
Word is born."

But then they took it
to the ultimate level.

They hit my girl.

You know what I'm saying,
it comes to a point where you gotta keep it real, right?

You gotta keep it real,
'cause that's your lady.

You know what I'm sayin?
So I was like,

"It ain't hurt that
much, did it?"

[APPLAUSE]

"I'm sayin'. All right?"

But you know, she wasn't
lettin' that happen.

So I had to do something.
So what I did was,

I punched one of
them in they face.

I said, fuck it, I punched
them in they face.

Then I ran.

But I forgot to tell
her ass to run, too.

They had my girl.
They was like, "Yo kid, Yo.

"We got your girl, yo."
I was like, "So what, motherfucker?"

Yo, my name is Rudy Rush.
Peace, out, yo.

[APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

All right. Rush,
representing Brooklyn.

Women will get your
ass in a fight.

That shit will happen to you,
that shit, you know.

You know,
"He called me a bitch.

"He called me a bitch."

I'm like,
"Were you acting bitchy?"

Right now is the
part of the show,

give it up for our founder,
Russell Simmons.

Thank y'all for coming out.
God bless you, good night.

Wow.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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