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[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:09,444 --> 00:00:12,234
KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
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00:00:32,467 --> 00:00:37,207
Put your hands together
for my main man,
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00:00:37,254 --> 00:00:39,874
Mr. Ricky Harris!
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00:00:39,909 --> 00:00:41,949
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
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[CHUCKLES]
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00:00:47,438 --> 00:00:49,788
This is the shit.
The Def Comedy Jam. Y'all know what we do.
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How many people
here got dogs?
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00:00:51,616 --> 00:00:52,786
Clap your hands
if you got dogs.
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00:00:52,835 --> 00:00:54,965
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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00:00:55,011 --> 00:00:57,581
See, not that many
black people have pets.
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00:00:57,622 --> 00:01:00,632
'Cause we are not
good with fucking pets.
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Especially dogs,
'cause black dogs are like slave, ain't they?
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Them motherfuckers be tied up
they whole fuckin' life.
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00:01:08,155 --> 00:01:09,895
People... Other dogs
be running by them going,
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00:01:09,939 --> 00:01:11,589
"You need
to get your freedom.
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00:01:13,247 --> 00:01:15,507
"Got you tied up like you...
You a king, king."
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No, the black dogs
don't know shit.
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No tricks.
White dogs be knowing all that shit.
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Sit up, roll over, go fetch.
All that shit.
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00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:27,696
Black dog don't
know his fuckin' name.
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You let that motherfucker go,
he gone. [EXCLAIMS]
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You out there,
startin' to call him and shit.
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You start off nice.
"Butch, [LAUGHS] come here, Butch."
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[WHISTLING]
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"Butchie! Butch!
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"Butch!
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"Butch!
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"Motherfucker, Butch!"
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The dog like, [BARKING]
"What, nigga, what?
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"You don't never
let me go nowhere! What?"
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'Cause a black dog
don't eat no good food.
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00:01:59,336 --> 00:02:01,506
No Kal Kan,
no Kibbles 'n Bits.'
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00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:04,516
None of that good
dog shit they can digest.
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00:02:04,559 --> 00:02:07,949
A black dog eatin' whatever
your ass ate, ain't it?
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00:02:07,997 --> 00:02:11,567
And that's why
the black backyard be fucked up, don't it?
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It'd be shit
in holes everywhere.
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Don't it?
Cause the black dog be mad. He'd be like,
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[STRAINED VOICE] "I'mma show
these motherfucker.
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00:02:18,355 --> 00:02:21,575
"Motherfuckers don't want
to feed me no good dog shit."
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"Mmm, I shit up his whole
motherfuckin' backyard.
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"And I don't give a fuck.
And I ain't gonna pick it up 'cause I ain't got no hands."
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[HARRIS CHUCKLES]
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I had a friend, man,
he went huntin'
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and came back
with this crazy ass... He had me trippin'.
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00:02:38,941 --> 00:02:41,071
He came back
with this crazy-ass tale.
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He had went huntin'...
He had went bear huntin'.
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00:02:43,250 --> 00:02:46,340
These white cats had tricked
him into go bear huntin'.
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I was like, "Man,
I wouldn't go with all them white boys, man,
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"them motherfuckers
might trick yo ass."
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He said, "No, no, I'm goin'
hunt some bears, man." He went bear huntin'.
52
00:02:55,784 --> 00:02:57,834
And he saw this bear, man.
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00:02:57,873 --> 00:03:00,313
He pulled out his gun
and started shootin'. Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!
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00:03:00,354 --> 00:03:02,534
And missed the bear.
55
00:03:02,573 --> 00:03:05,713
He said,
"Damn, I was this close... Missed that damn bear, shit."
56
00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:07,880
And felt something
tappin' him on the shoulder.
57
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He looked back
and it was a big ass bear.
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The bear said,
"Look here, I can either maul you to death,
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"or I can
fuck ya in the ass."
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Homeboy said...
He looked around...
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He said, "All right,
all right. Go ahead, do it to me in my ass."
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The bear started
tearin' that ass up.
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[EXCLAIMING] Tore him up.
He went back to the cabin, ass bleedin' and shit.
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He said, "Man,
I'm gonna get that motherfuckin bear tomorrow."
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"I swear to god I'm gonna
get that motherfucker."
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00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:40,223
So, he went bear huntin'
again with the... With a shot gun.
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Started shootin'. Booya,
booya, saw the bear, booya, booya, booya, booya, booya.
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Missed the damn bear.
He said, "Ain't that a bitch?"
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00:03:49,185 --> 00:03:52,355
Felt something tappin'
him on the shoulder.
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00:03:52,406 --> 00:03:56,276
The bear said,
"Look here, I can either maul you to death,
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00:03:56,323 --> 00:03:57,803
"or I can
fuck ya in the ass."
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He said, "All right,
go ahead man, go ahead."
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Tore that ass up, man.
Man, he went back to the cabin.
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00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:08,421
He said, "Man, tomorrow,
I'm gonna fuck that bear up.
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00:04:08,465 --> 00:04:10,335
"I'm a...
I'm a blow... I'mma..."
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00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:12,250
He went
and bought a bazooka.
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Said, "I'm gonna fuck
this bear up."
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00:04:14,558 --> 00:04:18,478
Saw the bear,
he started... Booya! Booya!
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00:04:18,519 --> 00:04:21,259
Trees and shit was fallin'.
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00:04:21,304 --> 00:04:23,314
Smoke and shit
was comin' up in the air.
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00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:25,180
He went and looked,
missed the bear again.
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00:04:25,221 --> 00:04:27,351
He said,
"Ain't this a bitch?"
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Felt something tappin'
him on the shoulder.
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00:04:30,313 --> 00:04:33,883
He turned around,
the bear said...
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He just pulled down his pants.
The bear started tearin' up that ass.
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00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:38,837
While the bear was
tearin' it up, the bear looked at him and said,
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"Oh, you ain't in it
for the huntin' no more, huh?"
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00:04:41,411 --> 00:04:43,371
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
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All right, we gonna get
this show started.
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00:04:49,201 --> 00:04:50,991
Y'all we gonna have a
great show for y'all tonight. You know what I'm saying?
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We got some bad
motherfuckers tonight.
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00:04:52,944 --> 00:04:55,604
And our first comedian
is from New York City.
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So y'all ready
for this or what?
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00:04:57,122 --> 00:04:59,212
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYS]
95
00:04:59,255 --> 00:05:02,515
All the way from
New York City, making his second appearance here,
96
00:05:02,563 --> 00:05:04,703
put your hands
together y'all for Flex.
97
00:05:04,739 --> 00:05:06,999
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING][MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:20,355
Wassup?AUDIENCE: [CHEERING] Hey!
99
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Let me hear
the ladies say "Hey."
100
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WOMEN: Hey!
101
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Fellas say "a'ight."MEN: A'ight!
102
00:05:26,413 --> 00:05:28,553
Here we go.
What's goin' on? I'm feelin' good.
103
00:05:28,589 --> 00:05:31,199
I'm feelin' very good.
I'm in the house.
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00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:33,163
And I got to talk
about some things.
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00:05:33,202 --> 00:05:35,072
The first thing I want to say,
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00:05:35,117 --> 00:05:38,857
fellas, we have to stop
disrespecting our women.
107
00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:42,433
Stop cheatin' on your women.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
108
00:05:42,472 --> 00:05:45,002
We have to.
I'm serious. I'm so serious.
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00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:48,960
We have to stop
cheating on our women.
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00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,870
'Cause I was cheatin' on
my girl yesterday, right?
111
00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:53,526
No, I'm serious.
I'm cheatin' on her, right?
112
00:05:53,570 --> 00:05:55,360
So, I'm walking down the
street with this other girl.
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00:05:55,398 --> 00:05:56,968
And my girl comes
walkin' up on me.
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00:05:57,008 --> 00:05:58,708
And fellas, you know
you don't want that to happen.
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00:05:58,749 --> 00:06:01,139
You don't know what to do
when your girl walk up on you.
116
00:06:01,186 --> 00:06:02,796
She walk up on me, right?
117
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,320
You know, black women.
She came up to me,
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00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,984
she's like, "Yeah, uh,
give me a kiss." Mwua.
119
00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:09,668
"Who's that?"
You got to think quick on your feet. Real quick.
120
00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:10,717
I said...
121
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"Who?"
122
00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:13,979
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
123
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"I don't know her.
124
00:06:15,723 --> 00:06:17,773
"Get... Get away from me.
I ain't got no more damn change.
125
00:06:17,812 --> 00:06:19,942
"Get away from me!"
126
00:06:19,988 --> 00:06:21,898
Gotta be quick on your feet,
quick on your feet, quick on your feet.
127
00:06:21,946 --> 00:06:24,906
You gotta stop it, man.
Gotta treat 'em good. You gotta be different.
128
00:06:24,949 --> 00:06:27,039
You gotta please
your women physically.
129
00:06:27,082 --> 00:06:29,262
I don't care what they say.
Physical is very important. They could talk about,
130
00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:32,611
"I want somebody to be
with me mentally and as one."
131
00:06:32,653 --> 00:06:35,923
No, no, no.
132
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:39,180
You know, you gotta do things.
Don't be scared to explore that freaky side.
133
00:06:39,224 --> 00:06:40,794
You know what I mean?
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00:06:40,835 --> 00:06:42,305
Do something like this.
I'm gonna tell you what you do.
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00:06:42,358 --> 00:06:44,448
Your woman come home from
a hard day's work, right?
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00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:46,621
You know, she coming
in the door. Kiss her. Ask her how her day was.
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00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:48,627
Man, that's important.
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00:06:48,669 --> 00:06:50,799
That's very
important to women. The little things like that.
139
00:06:50,845 --> 00:06:52,755
She come in, say,
"Hey, go in the shower, I got it running for ya."
140
00:06:52,803 --> 00:06:55,203
You know, you cook
a little something if you can cook.
141
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:58,160
Now, she's in the shower.
She's happy 'cause you never asked her how her day was.
142
00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,510
She's in the shower.
143
00:06:59,549 --> 00:07:02,469
♪ I love my man,
I love my man ♪
144
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You hear the shower stop.
145
00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:06,031
You run in there
and you grab a towel.
146
00:07:06,077 --> 00:07:08,987
You say, "No, no.
I don't want you dripping nothin' on this floor."
147
00:07:09,037 --> 00:07:11,467
You pick her up
from the shower.
148
00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:14,168
And carry her
to the bedroom and you lay her down.
149
00:07:14,216 --> 00:07:15,696
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
150
00:07:18,916 --> 00:07:20,826
You say, "Wait right there."
You go to the kitchen,
151
00:07:20,875 --> 00:07:23,305
you grab a knife
and you grab an orange, and you come back.
152
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She gonna get scared
'cause she see the knife. She gonna say,
153
00:07:25,314 --> 00:07:29,364
"I went to work!
What you doin'? I went to work!"
154
00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:32,665
I say, "No, no, no.
Relax, baby, I got this, I got this, just relax."
155
00:07:32,713 --> 00:07:35,023
You cut that orange
up into fourths.
156
00:07:35,063 --> 00:07:36,983
You take a piece
of that orange.
157
00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:38,941
You start
to squeeze the juice down the middle of her back,
158
00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:43,250
over her buttocks,
down the back of her knees to her ankles.
159
00:07:43,288 --> 00:07:47,158
Like a thirsty slave,
you start slurping it all up very slowly, just...
160
00:07:47,205 --> 00:07:49,855
Mmm.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
161
00:07:52,907 --> 00:07:54,817
And then you turn her over.
162
00:07:54,865 --> 00:07:56,865
And once you turn her over,
the look is going to be different.
163
00:07:56,911 --> 00:07:57,911
It's going to be like...
164
00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:04,180
You turn her over, you grab
another piece of orange.
165
00:08:04,222 --> 00:08:05,922
And you squeeze
the juice down her neck,
166
00:08:05,963 --> 00:08:08,183
over her breast,
make a little on the nipple.
167
00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:10,656
Go down, make a puddle
in the belly button.
168
00:08:10,707 --> 00:08:13,227
Go down,
make a puddle right there.
169
00:08:13,275 --> 00:08:15,835
I like to call it Jamaica.
170
00:08:15,886 --> 00:08:18,446
'Cause you always want to tell
somebody you been there.
171
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:21,198
You never want to leave
and you always wanna go back.
172
00:08:21,239 --> 00:08:23,109
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
173
00:08:24,939 --> 00:08:27,769
So, you start
to slowly lick the juice off.
174
00:08:27,811 --> 00:08:29,771
You come down her neck
and you're licking the juice.
175
00:08:29,813 --> 00:08:32,083
You get to the nipple
and you take it off real, real sweet.
176
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,950
Just... [EXCLAIMS]
177
00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:37,082
And you keep going down.
You get to the belly button.
178
00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:38,865
You get
a real quick one... [EXCLAIMS]
179
00:08:38,909 --> 00:08:42,039
And this way she get the arch
going in her back like this.
180
00:08:42,086 --> 00:08:44,046
And you keep going down.
181
00:08:44,088 --> 00:08:46,438
You going to Jamaica
and women, it's funny how they know where you goin'
182
00:08:46,482 --> 00:08:48,702
'cause they, all of a sudden,
get this arch in they back.
183
00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:52,175
"Come here!
Where you comin'... Come here! Where you goin'? Come here."
184
00:08:52,227 --> 00:08:54,577
And she's pulling you
and you's pulling, like, "Come on, chill, baby."
185
00:08:54,621 --> 00:08:57,281
Said, "No, no, no.
Come back to Jamaica.
186
00:08:57,319 --> 00:08:58,579
"Make it your home."
187
00:09:00,365 --> 00:09:01,885
But don't go
and mess it up.
188
00:09:01,932 --> 00:09:04,332
'Cause you go down there,
you gotta do it right.
189
00:09:04,369 --> 00:09:06,719
Don't go home. Be like,
"Just lay down baby. I got a half gallon of orange juice.
190
00:09:06,763 --> 00:09:09,113
"Shut up, just lay
right there." [EXCLAIMING]
191
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:14,160
God bless y'all.
God bless y'all. Peace.
192
00:09:14,205 --> 00:09:16,285
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
193
00:09:22,431 --> 00:09:24,961
Keep it going for Flex, y'all.
194
00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:27,039
It's our hometown, man, shit.
195
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:33,091
How many people
in here smoke herb?
196
00:09:33,137 --> 00:09:35,397
[AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEERING]
197
00:09:35,444 --> 00:09:37,844
I used to be
one of those abusers.
198
00:09:37,881 --> 00:09:41,581
And I had to cut down
'cause a friend of mine scared the shit out of me.
199
00:09:41,624 --> 00:09:43,504
We were smoking one day.
200
00:09:43,539 --> 00:09:46,589
We were smoking,
and he just started freaking out.
201
00:09:46,629 --> 00:09:50,069
Nigga jumped up and said,
"Nigga, I'm invisible."
202
00:09:50,111 --> 00:09:52,461
Motherfucker started
taking off his clothes, running through the house.
203
00:09:52,504 --> 00:09:54,334
I'm like, "Motherfucker,
what are you doin'?
204
00:09:54,376 --> 00:09:56,726
"I can see you."
205
00:09:56,770 --> 00:09:59,900
Nigga was jumpin down, hidin'.
"Nigga, you can't see me, nigga."
206
00:10:01,513 --> 00:10:02,993
"Motherfucker,
you right there."
207
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:06,130
Motherfucker says,
"Let's go to the store,
208
00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:09,390
"I can get something
with my invisible abilities."
209
00:10:09,434 --> 00:10:12,744
So, we head to the store.
He all in the store, running and hiding and shit.
210
00:10:14,875 --> 00:10:17,485
The store man looking at him
like, "I can see you."
211
00:10:19,488 --> 00:10:21,708
[CHUCKLES]
212
00:10:21,751 --> 00:10:24,191
Motherfucker get
back to the house, freaking me out some more.
213
00:10:24,232 --> 00:10:26,452
I'm like, "This motherfucker
is trippin'."
214
00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:29,365
He talkin' about,
"Man, you know how Fred Flintstone stop his car
215
00:10:29,411 --> 00:10:32,411
"With his feet?
I bet I can do that."
216
00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:35,587
I said, "Motherfucker,
you cannot stop your motherfuckin' car
217
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,585
"with yo feet."
218
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,857
And he go outside doing
that shit, he doing like 70.
219
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:41,550
[MIMICS ENGINE REVVING]
220
00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:44,377
Throw his... I see the nigga
throw his leg out there.
221
00:10:44,426 --> 00:10:46,296
All I hear is...
[MIMICS TIRES SCREECHING].
222
00:10:46,341 --> 00:10:48,741
[VOCALIZING CRASH]
223
00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:51,428
Motherfucker go, "Ahhh!"
224
00:10:51,476 --> 00:10:53,216
He gonna come
over to the house the next day in a cast.
225
00:10:53,261 --> 00:10:55,871
He's like, "Nigga,
why you let me do that shit?"
226
00:10:55,916 --> 00:10:59,006
I said, "Nigga,
I couldn't see yo ass. You was invisible."
227
00:10:59,049 --> 00:11:00,049
[CHUCKLES]
228
00:11:02,749 --> 00:11:04,879
All right, let's bring up
our next comedian.
229
00:11:04,925 --> 00:11:06,705
We gonna keep this shit
rollin 'cause we got... We got a bad brother.
230
00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:09,413
We got a bad brother.
He's from Brooklyn, New York.
231
00:11:09,451 --> 00:11:11,541
You know what I'm sayin'?[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
232
00:11:11,583 --> 00:11:15,593
Re... Re... Represent,
represent, represent.[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
233
00:11:15,631 --> 00:11:18,421
Put your hands together,
y'all, for Mr. Mike B!
234
00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:20,680
[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
235
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:34,740
Wassup?AUDIENCE: Wassup?
236
00:11:34,781 --> 00:11:36,701
I like that, Method Man.
237
00:11:36,739 --> 00:11:39,519
I rolled up on this girl
in a club with that. Just like you.
238
00:11:40,874 --> 00:11:43,014
This shit real?
239
00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:46,920
'Cause that what
I'm about to do. I'm a keep this shit real.
240
00:11:46,967 --> 00:11:50,057
Too much crazy shit
going on out here. Too much shit.
241
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,970
White people crazy as hell.
242
00:11:52,015 --> 00:11:53,885
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
243
00:11:53,930 --> 00:11:57,020
Crazy as...
Y'all do some wild shit. And it's not racism.
244
00:11:57,064 --> 00:12:00,724
It's just that we just
don't understand some of the things y'all do.
245
00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:03,903
A few weeks ago, y'all,
this white man got shot
246
00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:07,470
in a bagel shop because
he wanted to be a hero.
247
00:12:07,509 --> 00:12:10,249
Now, people, the shit
didn't even belong to him.
248
00:12:10,294 --> 00:12:13,124
He was in there
buying somethin', just like me and you.
249
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:15,517
9:00 the morning
black people, we ain't trying to be the hero.
250
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:18,040
9:00, 6:00 p.m.,
it don't make no difference.
251
00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:21,255
'Cause a hero ain't nothing
but a goddamn sandwich. We knew that.
252
00:12:21,305 --> 00:12:23,045
We knew that shit.
253
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:24,870
Nine o'clock in the morning,
first of all, we late already.
254
00:12:24,918 --> 00:12:27,008
We in there tryin'
to hurry this shit up.
255
00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:29,360
"Oh, my God, I'm...
Yo bro, give me that sesame bagel right there.
256
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:32,010
"Put some
cream cheese on the bitch." "Freeze, put your hands up."
257
00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:34,575
"Oh, shit.
258
00:12:34,623 --> 00:12:37,583
"My boss ain't never goin'
to believe I got held up in no bagel shop this morning, man.
259
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:39,496
"God damn."
260
00:12:39,541 --> 00:12:40,931
And y'all know,
y'all know damn well if it take too long,
261
00:12:40,977 --> 00:12:42,457
we gonna help
this shit along, bro.
262
00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:43,890
We be like, "Yo, Harry,
you takin' too long.
263
00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:45,677
"Give him the shit,
man, give it to him!
264
00:12:45,721 --> 00:12:47,331
"Put it in the bag,
nigga, damn!
265
00:12:47,375 --> 00:12:49,065
"He look like he got all day?"
266
00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:52,384
That's what we think.
267
00:12:52,423 --> 00:12:54,123
That's not what
white people think. That's not what y'all think.
268
00:12:54,164 --> 00:12:56,174
Here's what he was thinking,
"Freeze, put your hands up."
269
00:12:56,863 --> 00:12:57,993
"Hmm..."
270
00:12:58,038 --> 00:13:00,388
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
271
00:13:00,431 --> 00:13:03,831
"I'm approximately
three feet from him.
272
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:07,790
"I can lunge at him
and grab that nine and be a hero.
273
00:13:07,830 --> 00:13:10,830
"Maybe even get
the key to the city."
274
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:14,397
No, you'll get
a bullet in your ass 'cause that's what he got.
275
00:13:14,445 --> 00:13:16,795
And you know
what the funniest thing about the whole shit was?
276
00:13:16,839 --> 00:13:18,669
Somebody ran in,
277
00:13:18,710 --> 00:13:20,280
and ran right back out
when they saw what was goin' on.
278
00:13:20,321 --> 00:13:22,711
You know who that was right?
A brother.
279
00:13:22,758 --> 00:13:25,068
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]'Cause we ain't stupid.
280
00:13:25,108 --> 00:13:27,848
Brother was hungry too.
He went in and, "Oh, they got the slammin' bagels
281
00:13:27,894 --> 00:13:29,424
"in this piece. I'mma get me
an onion, I'mma get...
282
00:13:29,460 --> 00:13:32,460
"Oh shit, this nigga
robbin' this place here.
283
00:13:32,507 --> 00:13:35,157
"Na, I'm gonna go
to bodega and get me some butter roll and some z.
284
00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:37,425
"I ain't fuckin'
with this here."
285
00:13:37,468 --> 00:13:40,208
"I don't even
really like no bagels. I don't really like that.
286
00:13:40,254 --> 00:13:42,524
"I don't got
the feel for it today."
287
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,520
We just don't do
the things y'all do.
288
00:13:44,562 --> 00:13:46,392
Y'all see Italian people?
289
00:13:46,434 --> 00:13:48,224
They hate to say...
They hate when you say they black.
290
00:13:48,262 --> 00:13:49,572
But they do a lot
of shit like us, boy.
291
00:13:49,611 --> 00:13:51,091
Italian talk
to each other different.
292
00:13:51,134 --> 00:13:52,744
Italian men, they talk
to each other different.
293
00:13:52,788 --> 00:13:54,748
They dis each other
when they talk to each other.
294
00:13:54,790 --> 00:13:56,880
We don't do that shit.
295
00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:58,493
They take it to the next...
The most we'll say is I'll be like, "Yo,
296
00:13:58,533 --> 00:14:01,063
"this is my man...
Oh, this a crazy nigga here."
297
00:14:01,101 --> 00:14:02,411
That's as far as we go.
298
00:14:02,450 --> 00:14:04,280
Not Italian brothers.
299
00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:05,931
They each other,
they disrespect and the shit is cool.
300
00:14:05,975 --> 00:14:08,105
They be like, "Hey, Manny!
301
00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:12,501
"Hey, Manny, hey,
you fucking cock-sucking bastard hey, huh?
302
00:14:12,547 --> 00:14:16,327
"This fucking prick here,
I went to school with this dick sucker there."
303
00:14:16,377 --> 00:14:18,287
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
304
00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:21,075
You can't roll up
on no brother and say that shit to your man.
305
00:14:21,121 --> 00:14:24,821
"Yo, D, what's up?
Dick-sucking nigga, you boy."
306
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:27,344
Yo, my name is Mike B.
307
00:14:27,388 --> 00:14:29,688
[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
308
00:14:40,488 --> 00:14:41,748
Give it up!
309
00:14:41,793 --> 00:14:43,363
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
310
00:14:47,495 --> 00:14:50,405
Barry White's gonna be
looking for his ass, though.
311
00:14:50,454 --> 00:14:53,074
"Oh, where is that nigga
that talks that shit?"
312
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:56,461
[LAUGHS]
313
00:14:56,504 --> 00:14:58,944
Hey check it, we want
to do some introduction
314
00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:00,985
to some celebrities
that are in the house.
315
00:15:01,030 --> 00:15:02,950
You know what I'm sayin'.
'Cause we got a gang of celebrities.
316
00:15:02,989 --> 00:15:05,079
We gonna start off right now.
317
00:15:05,121 --> 00:15:07,691
Put your hands together
y'all for Wu-Tang Clan, they in the house.
318
00:15:07,732 --> 00:15:10,472
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
319
00:15:10,518 --> 00:15:14,128
Also in the house, over here
we got Salt-N-Pepa, y'all.
320
00:15:14,174 --> 00:15:16,654
Give it up, and Spinderella.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
321
00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:18,655
How y'all doin', baby?
322
00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:21,570
ALL: Fine.HARRIS: Mmm, shit.
323
00:15:21,616 --> 00:15:23,306
All right,
check this out, man.
324
00:15:23,357 --> 00:15:27,447
Put yo hands together
right now for my main man, Mr. Tone X.
325
00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:29,711
[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
326
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:42,639
Wassup, New York?AUDIENCE: Wassup!
327
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,810
Oh, hell no!
328
00:15:44,856 --> 00:15:48,856
That ain't the New York that
I be seein' on CNN and Cops.
329
00:15:48,904 --> 00:15:50,084
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
330
00:15:51,602 --> 00:15:54,262
Wassup, New York?AUDIENCE: Wassup!
331
00:15:54,301 --> 00:15:56,261
Yeah, 'cause I came
all the way up from North Carolina.
332
00:15:56,303 --> 00:15:58,703
Y'all gotta give
me some love. Hootie-hoo!
333
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,620
If you're proud to be black,
334
00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:08,620
let me hear you say,
"Whoop, there it is."
335
00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:10,193
AUDIENCE: Whoop, there it is!
336
00:16:10,230 --> 00:16:12,880
Now, I'm a equal
opportunity comedian,
337
00:16:12,928 --> 00:16:16,628
and I see some
caucasians sprinkled throughout the crowd.
338
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:18,371
And I don't want
to leave nobody out.
339
00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:21,722
So, caucasians,
give me, uh, "Achy Breaky Heart."
340
00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:23,723
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
341
00:16:28,726 --> 00:16:33,076
There some good-looking
women in New York, boy, hootie-hoo!
342
00:16:33,122 --> 00:16:34,992
There some good looking
women in New York!
343
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:37,257
Clap, women, clap!
'Cause you look good! Clap!
344
00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:42,042
Now... Now...
345
00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:45,658
Some of y'all women
could have kept yo damn hands in your lap.
346
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:48,090
I don't know why
everybody clapping for.
347
00:16:49,834 --> 00:16:52,404
And I'mma let y'all in
on a little secret.
348
00:16:52,446 --> 00:16:57,576
I really don't care
if you laugh at my jokes or not.
349
00:16:59,453 --> 00:17:02,413
'Cause before I came here,
I smoked me a half a blunt.
350
00:17:02,456 --> 00:17:05,016
So, everything funny
to me already!
351
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:10,204
See, I'm gonna laugh anyway!
352
00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:12,116
Niggas, some
of the older people looking at me talking about,
353
00:17:12,161 --> 00:17:14,601
"Mmm, mmm, mmm.
354
00:17:14,642 --> 00:17:17,992
"That boy goin'
straight to hell."
355
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,337
I don't know why
all you niggas don't want to go to hell.
356
00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:23,037
I don't know why
you don't wanna go where all yo friends gonna be.
357
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:25,605
Why you wanna go
to heaven where you ain't goin' to know no damn body!
358
00:17:25,653 --> 00:17:28,353
On the pay phone all day
talkin about, "Nigga, what y'all doin' down there?"
359
00:17:28,395 --> 00:17:31,655
"Ah, nigga, the same shit
we was doin' before, nigga."
360
00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:36,967
How many niggas
in here smoke weed?
361
00:17:37,012 --> 00:17:38,622
[AUDIENCE MEMBERS APPLAUDING]
362
00:17:38,666 --> 00:17:40,966
I know some of y'all
don't want to tell me you smoke weed
363
00:17:41,016 --> 00:17:44,666
'cause you afraid your bosses
gonna be watching cable.
364
00:17:44,715 --> 00:17:48,275
And they'll be like,
"How did he get by the piss test?"
365
00:17:48,328 --> 00:17:50,238
So, y'all niggas
that wanna be discrete,
366
00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:52,636
y'all can hit me off
like we had a weed auction.
367
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:53,680
You know.
368
00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:57,640
"Got a nickel bag,
do a nickel bag, nickel bag, nickel bag.
369
00:17:57,685 --> 00:17:59,335
"Five dollars
for a nickel bag.
370
00:17:59,382 --> 00:18:01,252
"Ten dollars for a $10 bag.
Now to 15, 15 to a quarter bag.
371
00:18:01,297 --> 00:18:02,907
"Now 25 for a quarter bag.
372
00:18:02,951 --> 00:18:04,651
"Twenty-five for a quarter bag
going to a 30 sack.
373
00:18:04,692 --> 00:18:06,822
"Thirty sack going
to quarter pound.
374
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:08,828
"Quarter pound up top going
to a quarter pound. Got a pound. Pound!
375
00:18:08,870 --> 00:18:11,310
"Sold to the black-lipped
blunt-smokin' nigga in the side."
376
00:18:12,830 --> 00:18:15,010
Peace out, New York City!
I'm Tone X!
377
00:18:15,050 --> 00:18:17,490
[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
378
00:18:24,929 --> 00:18:28,319
All right, check this out.
This lady I'm about to bring to the show
379
00:18:28,368 --> 00:18:30,498
is a bad motherfucker.
380
00:18:30,544 --> 00:18:32,334
Put your hands together
y'all, right now.
381
00:18:32,372 --> 00:18:35,512
Put your hands together
for Ms. Wanda Smith, y'all.
382
00:18:35,549 --> 00:18:38,069
[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
383
00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:47,909
What's happenin', New York?
How y'all feelin'?
384
00:18:47,952 --> 00:18:49,042
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
385
00:18:49,084 --> 00:18:51,264
Good! I'm here
for all the women!
386
00:18:51,304 --> 00:18:54,574
We gonna talk
about these sorry ass men!
387
00:18:54,611 --> 00:18:56,351
Men ain't shit![AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
388
00:18:56,396 --> 00:18:57,956
Sorry ass.
389
00:18:58,006 --> 00:19:00,966
We gonna talk about
their ass tonight!
390
00:19:01,009 --> 00:19:04,529
Men ain't shit!
I ought to kick yo ass and every man up in here!
391
00:19:07,407 --> 00:19:09,757
"Give me $20!"
"I ain't got it. I ain't got it."
392
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:10,800
Broke ass.
393
00:19:11,802 --> 00:19:14,372
I hate a sorry ass man!
394
00:19:14,414 --> 00:19:18,244
How many women
ever been with a man who just ain't shit? Clap!
395
00:19:18,287 --> 00:19:19,847
Clap, ho, clap!
396
00:19:20,594 --> 00:19:22,424
Clap, ho!
397
00:19:22,465 --> 00:19:25,945
I'll tell ya
what's happenin', ladies! I'm here for ya!
398
00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:27,430
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
399
00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:30,210
Damn right, we gonna talk
about these men.
400
00:19:30,256 --> 00:19:32,426
They ain't shit nowhere!
401
00:19:32,475 --> 00:19:35,905
You got some men out here
that's good. Like you, little guy, little guy.
402
00:19:35,957 --> 00:19:40,087
But you the type motherfucker
buy a woman a drink and follow them all night.
403
00:19:40,135 --> 00:19:43,565
Ladies, y'all ever have
that shit to happen?
404
00:19:43,617 --> 00:19:46,317
Brother buy you one drink
and think his ass goin'.
405
00:19:46,359 --> 00:19:48,489
You ain't goin', poo poo.
406
00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:50,535
You got to talk
to them like they children.
407
00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:52,710
"You ain't goin',
no, no, no, no.
408
00:19:52,756 --> 00:19:54,926
"Sorry. Give me $20."
409
00:19:54,976 --> 00:19:57,536
"I ain't got it.
I ain't got it." Broke ass.
410
00:19:58,980 --> 00:20:01,590
I hate a cheap-ass man!
411
00:20:01,635 --> 00:20:05,805
That shit
bothers me, honey!
412
00:20:05,856 --> 00:20:09,556
Ladies, the next time
you go to a club and a brother buy you a drink,
413
00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:11,209
do like I do
and I'm a smooth ho.
414
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:13,913
Smooth ho,
smooth ho, smooth ho.
415
00:20:13,951 --> 00:20:16,521
Brother buy me a drink,
I be like, "Okay, thank you.
416
00:20:18,782 --> 00:20:20,042
"Thank you."
417
00:20:20,088 --> 00:20:21,608
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
418
00:20:22,308 --> 00:20:24,268
"Go now! Go!
419
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:26,660
"Go on! Fuck it.
Here, here, here.
420
00:20:26,703 --> 00:20:30,103
"Here! Here! Here!
Here, motherfucker, here!"
421
00:20:30,141 --> 00:20:31,491
[MUSIC PLAYING]
422
00:20:31,534 --> 00:20:34,064
Hey, I'm Wanda Smith!
See ya at the top.
423
00:20:34,102 --> 00:20:36,022
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
424
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,120
Put y'all hands together
for the man that made it possible once again,
425
00:20:48,159 --> 00:20:49,159
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
426
00:20:49,204 --> 00:20:50,344
Russell Simmons.
427
00:20:53,817 --> 00:20:55,557
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
428
00:20:58,692 --> 00:21:00,872
Thank y'all for coming out.
God bless ya, good night.
429
00:21:00,911 --> 00:21:03,391
[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
430
00:21:10,094 --> 00:21:11,664
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
431
00:21:11,714 --> 00:21:16,264
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