All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s05e11.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

KID CAPRI:
Ladies and gentleman, put your hands together

for my main man,
Mr. Ricky Harris!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Wassup?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Motherfucka,
look at that.

Goofy looking motherfucker.
[EXCLAIMS]

[CHUCKLES]

I don't know why I'm dancing.
I'm a little upset.

One of my homeboys called
me today, you know,

fucked around and
got it.

[SIGHS]

That's why I say,
"Practice safe sex."

He called me talking 'bout,
"Yo, man. Hey, Rick.

"What it mean when something
blue come out?"

Something blue
came out your dick?

Motherfucker, you better go
get that shit checked.

Practice safe sex.

You know,
I'm telling y'all. Practice safe sex.

I know I do, I wear, like,
a catcher's mask,

a rubber glove,

a condom, and that's when
I'm jackin' off.

[SCOFFS]

I'll be with a girl,
I be like, "You stay on that side,

"I'll stay on this
side, okay?

"You work your shit,
I'll work mine."

Practice safe sex, fellas,
I'm telling you, man, you'll catch some shit,

have your dick
looking like a trophy.

Dick be like...

We gon' get the
motherfucking show started,

'cause we got
a hell of a motherfucking show for y'all tonight

and that's for sure,
you know what I'm sayin'?

If y'all ready to get this
show started, let me hear you say "yeah."

AUDIENCE: Yeah!Let me hear you say
"hell yeah."

AUDIENCE: Hell yeah!

Black people, we
can party, can't we?

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]

I did that shit
at a white club, "Let me hear you say yeah."

"Well, all right!"

"Let me hear you say
hell yeah." "Well, it's cool!"

We got a hell of a show
for y'all.

We're gonna kick
this thing off with my man, Mr. Freeze Luv, y'all.

Wassup, wassup,
wassup?

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]

What's going on?

Naw, hold on...
What the fuck's up?

Nigga! Nigga!

What's going on? Any fat
motherfuckers, where the fat niggas?

Fat nigga.
What's up, baby?

Hey, nigga,
I'm your boy tonight, you understand what I'm saying?

Fat niggas united, nigga.
I'm with you.

Don't play that skinny
guy shit. Nigga,

I know what
it's like to sit in that little bitty-ass seat,

digging in your
hips and shit.

I know, nigga.

Fuck these skinny-ass
motherfuckers, moving around in the seat.

I know what it's like.

I know what it's like
to take them jeans off,

and you got them big-ass red
pressure marks on your hips.

Nigga, I know!

You know
what I'm sayin'? Fuck 'em all.

I'm a proud, fat nigga.

Proud, fat, niggas, you know,
like Biggie Smalls, Fat Joe, proud niggas.

No bitch ass fat nigga.

Like motherfucking Heavy D.

Oh, my ass, God
damn it. The nigga's living in denial.

Heavy D.

Shouldn't
his name be Fat-Ass D?

Skipping around, "Diddley-
dee." Nigga, come on, that's skinny guy shit!

Bring your fat ass out,
lay down and rap, nigga!

Do what a fat nigga
wanna do!

You know what I'm sayin'?

You know what I'm sayin!

"Looking for a cutie..."
Nigga, you looking for any kind

of goddamn body you
can get your sausage fingers on, nigga.

Don't gimme that shit.

Fuck it.

Want to say another thing,
that I am a nigga,

a full-G nigga,

and I love being a nigga.

'Cause niggas have moved
this race forwards, niggas.

Frederick Douglass
was a nigga.

Big-ass afro, part on the
side, that's a nigga.

You know what I'm sayin'?
Harriet Tubman was a straight nigga.

Running around,
underground railroad,

scarf on her head like Tupac.
Strapped with the .38.

Tell me that's
not a nigga!

You know what I'm sayin'?

"Bitch, I done snuck your
ass out the goddamn barn.

"Bitch, get your
ass out and be free!"

Nigga, shit.

Another name for underground
railroad, night train. A nigga drink.

Peep that shit.

Rosa Parks was
a nigga, she wasn't no... Nigga was tired!

Came in, sat the fuck down
like a nigga should.

"Fuck you.
I'm sitting right here."

Motherfuckers are
scandalous, man.

Peckerwoods are sneaky.

Gotta watch these peckerwoods,

I see you peckerwoods
on the lights and cameras, too. Fuck y'all.

Sneaky motherfuckers.
Look at this sneaky shit.

I smoke motherfucking
Marlboros, nigga, look here.

You got one big gold K
in the front,

another gold K in the back,

a little, bitty gold K
on the side.

There's a fourth side,
there's not a fourth K.

Ku Klux Klan,
it's they brand and that's why I smoke that shit!

You ain't killing me,
God damn it!

Look at motherfucking
Newport, Salem. Look at all that shit.

Newport.

That's what they want us
to smoke, Newport?

Nigga, what happened
the last goddamn time we came to a new port?

Salem. Let's sail 'em to the
new port!

And Kools, you
got a K and two O's handcuffed together.

"It's kool to be handcuffed!
Try this brand, nigga!"

That's why I smoke Marlboro,
'cause I'll be here tomorrow, bro.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Before I leave,
I got one thing... One more thing to say.

You have to understand,
I have one more thing to say. It's very important.

I am sick and tired

brothers referring to women
as bitches and hoes and shit.

I'm sick of that shit.

It's 1995, we got to stop
that shit.

I'm sick of it.
We have to move on.

From now on, we gonna call
'em hookers and tramps.

Freeze Luv! I'm out!

Motherfuckers is crazy.

Hey, how ya doing?

Give it up, ladies and
gentleman, for Bobby from The Brady Bunch!

Who you with, man?

She's like, "No! No!"

Yo, hold your motherfucking
woman, man.

Hold your nuts.
No, your shit is like this.

You have to hold yours
like this, your dick is not that big.

He all down in
here and shit.

Your shit is
more like this.

Don't be embarrassed,
you brought him, God damn it!

He not with you?

Oh shit, they gon' start
fighting in this motherfucker!

Oh shit, we got
some Geraldo shit. "Caller, you want to say what?"

Claim your man! Shit, hey
girl, we know you just using this motherfucker.

Get that motherfucker's
credit card, meet me in the back.

All right y'all, check it out.
Please welcome the comedy styles

of Mr. Royale Watkins, y'all.

Let me tell you something,
I look out here, I see the couples,

I have
to be honest with y'all.

I want a serious relationship,

but every time I meet a girl
and take her over to my house and we have sex,

they end up saying some
stupid shit and I have to kick them out.

You know, there's a rule in
my house, if you say some dumb shit, you gotta to go.

I had a girl over
a couple weeks ago

and she gonna try to convince
me that four plus four is nine.

I'm looking at her like, "No,
sweetie, four plus four,

"that's not nine,
that's eight."

And it was one them sisters
with attitude.

"Well, that just depend on
how you look at things!"

And I know where she
got it from, because she had one of them dumb mothers.

Okay, her mother wasn't
dumb, she was academically regressed.

She had one of them mothers
that would take old phrases

and just fuck 'em all up.

Like, remember
the old phrase,

"The same people
you meet on the way up,

"be the people you
meet on the way back down?"

Let her mother tell you
that shit.

"Punch a nigga on his way
up, come back down, have a black eye, mm-hmm!"

What?

Remember the old phrase,
"Ain't no sense in crying over spilled milk?"

Let her mother tell you
that shit.

"Spill some milk? Ain't no
sense gettin' mad at your neighbor!

"Borrow his mop
and mop it up! Mop it up!"

I remember the first day
I went over the house to meet the family,

the father was sitting
in the kitchen

trying to put a bag
of M&M's in alphabetical order.

And you think about the
whole fall in love thing.

I've deduced that it comes
down to this one thing,

and I like to call that
the big dick theory.

Fellas, do not be confused.
Let me tell you something.

You do not need a big dick
to fuck the shit out of somebody.

You can have a little dick
and buy 'em something, it's the same thing.

A little dick and
a tennis bracelet look a whole lot better

than a big dick any day.

I'd be the first to admit,
I do not have a big dick.

But can fuck the shit
out of somebody.

My little dick stay
hard a long time.

You get a fella with a big,
limp dick, he can't do shit

but stand there and look
confused, he like...

That's when I can show up
on the scene with this little, hard dick, like...

[EXCLAIMS]

[EXCLAIMING]

Women, you kill me!
Foul shit.

Kill me, coming to
spend the night over at a brother's house

knowing you ain't going
to give him no pussy!

How do you do that?

If you come to spend the
night over my house,

you can best well believe
you gonna get some little dick and a tennis bracelet.

And they all do the same
dumb shit, you know.

Lay there in the bed.

Roll over to you at 3:32,
you know.

Like they doing
you some big favor.

"You want some pussy?"

You damn right,
I want some pussy!

I been wanting
some a long time, too!

Bu by then, it's too late,
'cause you been laying there for four hours,

your dick done been hard.

You, on the first stroke,
you try to go in there,

your dick be like,
"Hey, Kool-Aid! Splash!"

Making you look bad.

And the girl be looking
at you funny, like,

"Damn, I know this is good,
but damn!"

And it's not that your shit
is good!

It's just that
the dick has been hard for four hours!

If a dick is hard for
four hours, the nut is right here!

All you can do is go home
and wait for that phone call

for some more pussy.

That's how you answer the
phone, every time it rings.

"Hello? You gonna give me
some more pussy? Yeah.

"Okay. All right."
Click.

See now, ladies you made
the worst mistake you could ever make in your life.

You've given a nigga advance
notice on some pussy.

See now, he has advance
time to prepare for the pussy.

Key word, "Prepare."

Because now the nigga gonna
do all the right shit.

And this is just my little
personal secret but I'll share it with y'all.

Fellas,

go get rid of that
first nut,

because that's the one
that got you in trouble in the first place.

It don't take long,
just run in the bathroom like...

[VOCALIZING]

See, now you're fucking with
second nut,

you are fucking
with power now!

You fuck around,
"Some more pussy? Hell yeah, I want some more pussy!"

My name's Royale Watkins,
God bless you guys!

We got some celebrities
in the house,

we gonna give
them shout outs real quick.

Got my man Michael Brooks
from the New York Giants.

Give it up for the
New York Giants.

'Sup, dawg?

Also in the house, we got
the lovely lady, how you doin'.

Ms. Beverly Peele.
Hey, baby, how you doing?

You see how I went into
mack mode on your ass?

So, uh...

Later on what you
going to be doing? Huh?

[LAUGHING] Yeah.

Mack mode.

Beverly, I'm glad y'all
came.

What y'all mad at, Beverly?

A-U.

AUDIENCE: L-U!

Oh, Lincoln University?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND SCREAMING]

Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay.
L-U.

[IMITATES ANIMAL]

[EXCLAIMING]

I'm with it, I'm with it.

All right, y'all in the
motherfucking house!

Put your hands together,
y'all, come on, right now,

for the comedy styles
of Mr. Paul Mooney, y'all!

All right, all right,
New York. Okay.

Happy New Year,
happy New Year.

Well, well, well. All the
black folks. This is what makes... This just...

This... When it's black
like this, it's just...

Well, white people,
I'm glad you came here too,

but this is just great.

I'm seeing all this black
talent, all this wonderful stuff, you know.

We got through '94.

Everybody got their nigga
wake-up call.

OJ got his nigga
wake-up call.

Michael Jackson got his
nigga wake-up call.

And Oprah got her
nigga wake-up call.

Is Oprah too deep?

[IMITATES SOBBING]

"I was on crack."

[SOBBING]

What's the mayor's name
that's on crack? What's his name?

He broke down two days ago.

[SOBBING] I used to be
a talk show host.

[SOBBING]

This bitch won't let you
get away with nothing.

But see, OJ, I figured this
stuff out,

that OJ didn't do
this. I just figured it out for myself.

OJ ain't been a nigger since
he was seventeen years old.

His whole life has been
white, let's be real.

OJ didn't do this shit.

OJ by now couldn't have
done this.

Now, if you told me
Farrakhan was been up in that yard,

we'd have to sit and talk.

This is a modern day
Othello.

This is a tragedy, no matter
how you look at this shit.

It is. It's a tragedy,
we know that.

And they're too desperate
for me.

They too desperate.
They say they found some ice cream.

Ain't nobody kill nobody
over no goddamn ice cream.

Now if it'd been a
Klondike bar,

I'd have killed somebody
over a Klondike bar.

Now, I read this morning
they said they found a piece of watermelon,

"Oh, we got that nigga!
We got a piece of watermelon.

"I don't want to know about
any hair, no DNA,

"I know about my watermelon
and my niggas and it's eaten down to the rind,

"it was two or
three niggers back here, eating this!"

They're reaching for straws.

Two niggas in a white
Bronco on the freeway in broad daylight,

hiding from whom?
They wasn't hiding from nobody.

See, OJ had all those
white friends. All those white friends.

And trust me, he had to go
back to a diaper buddy,

to the ghetto,
to call his friend.

Believe me, he called those
white friends.

"Steve?" Click.

"Fred?" Click.

"Bill? It's The Juice!"
Click.

He had to get Al, somebody
he went to school with.

He had to get Al, who
had his back.

Al's a nigga, that's a
tight buddy. Al doesn't give a damn.

Was Al driving? "Come on,
nigga, let's ride! Come on, let's ride!"

Let's ride!

They tell me that a crack
head jumped on Rosa Parks.

You read that?

Whupped her butt.
You can't whup Ms. Civil Rights' ass.

The whole neighborhood
wanted to kill him.

Now they scared to take him
to jail, 'cause the inmates are gonna kill him,

you can not
whup Ms. Civil Rights.

Lady's eighty-six
years old, she's tough.

She gave the ambulance hell
when they came to pick her up,

"I ain't riding in the back!
I ain't riding in no goddamn back!

"I done been through
that shit with white folks once before,

"I ain't getting in no
goddamn back."

They said, "Ms. Parks,
we ride everybody back there.

"Well, you ride your ass back
there, I'm sitting up front with white folks.

"I'm driving."

See, it's the end of the
world. That's why in LA

we got the floods,
we got the earthquakes,

you got the stuff in Japan.

See, everybody's scared
of the police, you're scared of taxes,

but you better be
scared of God.

Because that was
20 seconds, 5000 people, okay?

It's the end of the world.
I know it's the end of the world.

Over there in Europe
somewhere, maybe somebody smart can tell me,

Sweden or Denmark somewhere...
You hear about that ferry boat?

Three stories,
900 white people, sank.

Now I thought white folks
could drown.

I mean drown, I
thought they could swim.

Because I watched Baywatch,
I thought they were some swimming motherfuckers.

Because ain't
no niggas on Baywatch.

But they drown.
See? It's the end of the world, that's God's work.

Sorry to be cruel.

Here, niggas come from
Haiti on a chicken wing,

and ain't nothing happen
to them.

Thank you very much.

Are y'all ready for
our next comedian?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

All right,
from Brooklyn, New York, Tracey Morgan, y'all.

Wussup.

Get my shit together.
How y'all feel?

AUDIENCE: All right.

Ain't nobody going to
ask me how I feel?

AUDIENCE: How you feel?

None of your motherfucking
business. Nosy motherfuckers.

Black people some nosy
motherfuckers.

We some nosy motherfuckers.

That's why we fucked up
here in America now.

Because we some nosy
motherfuckers.

400 years ago, two black
African niggas standing on the beach in Africa.

Nosy motherfuckers.

One nigga say, "Yo. Who that
down there on them ships?"

The other nigga say, "I
don't know, but they might have some weed. Let's go see."

And now we fucked up!

Failed my motherfucking
written test at motor vehicles yesterday.

They putting all these
motherfucking trick questions on there.

They had one question on
that said,

"What do you do if a
bunch of school kids are crossing the street?"

The motherfuckers gonna fail
me because I put down,

"You weave around the niggas
if you got skills."

You don't want no kids
up in the middle of the street.

Hit the
motherfuckers! Fuck 'em!

Just don't hit the one with
the red sweater, 'cause that's my only son, you know?

I got kids, you know what
I'm sayin'? I got five kids.

And it's hard being a
mother.

Cut that shit off of there.

It's hard being a mother,
I know it is.

You know,
I give it up to all you mothers in here, 'cause

it's '95 and anything can
happen.

Niggas is killing kids,
anything can happen, you know what I'm sayin'?

It's hard being
a parent, you know what I'm saying.

Because I take my kids out.

I got five kids.
I claim three for income tax purposes.

But I got five, you know
what I'm sayin'?

I take my boys to the park
every day.

I troop all
three of my sons to the park every day.

If I ever ran up on a nigga,

he was walking one of
my kids out the motherfucking park,

you know what I'm
saying, I'd probably run up on a nigga like,

"Yo, motherfucker!
Take the other two. Don't split 'em up, come on.

"Come on Darryl! Come on!

"You wanna come upstairs?
You want me to pack some bags for them?

"Give you some money,
buy the kids some icees?"

You know how them black
kids like icees.

Give the kids some spiced ham
and cheese sandwiches or something.

Nobody eats spiced ham
no more.

Because it don't take much
to get a kid, you know?

You got to watch it,
because all you need is some candy, you know?

If it's black kids, get some
Now and Laters.

Superbubbles and stuff,
you know?

I'm serious, man.
Shit is fucked up, man.

How you feel?
Before I even go any further,

give it up for my four
baby mothers right here.

Get them bitches out the
way, yo.

Black people, we got shit
on TV, I'm happy for that.

We got shit going on TV,
Puerto Ricans,

you motherfuckers ain't
nowhere to be found.

You got to turn the channel
way back to get them motherfuckers.

Pliers run out
of grip and shit.

Where these motherfuckers at?

They ain't even have them
niggas on Star Trek!

Every nigga in the galaxy
on The Enterpriseexcept for a Puerto Rican nigga.

If they had a Ruerto Rican
nigga on Star Trek,

they'd have named
him Leutenant Carlos Perez.

"Stardate 17. Captain's log.
My first officer Spock,

"my Dr. McCoy and my new
lieutenant Carlos Perez are beaming down to the planet."

The Puerto Rican nigga jump
out of nowhere and go,

"Fuck that, bro! I'm not
fucking going down there, bro!

"You cannot
put me down there, bro! You cannot put me down there!

"Ay, Captain Kirk, you the
star of the show, you go down there, you coming back.

"Spock, he go down there,
he coming back.

"I go down there, I no coming
back! I die.

"I know I die!"

My name's Tracey Morgan!
I love you Martin Lawrence! Peace!

Oh, man. Well, you know what?
You know, damn.

That's the end of the show,
you know?

We gonna bring up the man
man who pay the bills, though.

Put your hands together,
y'all, for Russell Simmons.

Thank y'all for
coming out, God bless you. Good night.

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