All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s05e06.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell
Simmons'Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together
for my girl, Adele Givens.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

What's up, y'all?

What's up, y'all?

Tell me where y'all from.
I need to know where you're from.

[AUDIENCE YELLING
INDISTINCTLY]

That's what I'm talking about!
I heard Philly.

Brooklyn, I heard Brooklyn.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, okay. How y'all doin'?
And welcome to the Def Comedy Jam.

How you doin'?

'Cause I'm just...
Damn, nigga.

You talkin' about Brooklyn.
No, Star Warsmotherfucker.

I ain't even 'cause
that ain't my style.

But, you know.
Welcome to the house.

God damn it, bring your
two tone hair if you want to.

Bring a big bright
afro if you want to.

God damn it,
you can do that on the Def Comedy Jam.

What's up, y'all?

Look at that,
girl got Nubian nuggets.

And a two piece on her head.

That's all right, white girl.
You're in the house.

Tryin' to be black.
That's cool, though.

We got a couple motherfuckers
tryin' to be white.

I'm jokin', that's my
little baby cousin.

Ain't that right, baby cuz?

What I'm trying to say.
Don't we look just alike?

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I gotta give it up to
the baddest DJ in the world.

And y'all own, Mr. Kid Capri.

Please, give him
all your love.

That man got some bad fingers.

And I got a little thing I do

because, you know,
everybody got their own little signature piece

and, you know, I have
to have mine too.

You know, I want y'all
to remember me

not just as
such a fuckin' lady,

but as the bitch
that has joke time.

This is part of the show
where I tell a joke.

A regular joke.

Not just an observation
because people always say,

"You're a comedian, but you
never tell jokes.

"You just talk.
The shit be funny, but it don't be a joke."

So what I'm gonna do now,
is I'm gonna give you all a joke.

And if you heard
it before, don't say shit.

This one is called
the dam ham.

If you heard it,
don't say shit.

Little boy named Petey.
He's got a father. He's a preacher.

They always be
preachers, don't they?

Got a father
that's a preacher.

Mother love her husband
so much she think about him one day he at work, she say,

"I'm gonna make his
special dinner."

"He loves ham."

So she goes to the store
and she say,

"Mr. Peterson, got any ham?"

He say, "You know what?
All we got is a can of dam ham."

She go, "You know
I'm a Christian woman.

"Why would you say
something like that to me?

"You should watch your mouth."
He go, "No, no, no.

"That's the name of the brand.

"It's the dam ham."
he showed her the can,

there's a little beaver
and there's a dam.

And she goes,
"Oh, oh, okay. My fault."

So she go home

and her husband come home.
And she says, "How you doin', honey?"

Remember, he a preacher.

He say, "All right, sit down."

"Get ready for dinner."

So he sits at the table.

He said, "We can't eat yet,
we gotta wait on our son."

So Petey come
home from school...

[SNICKERING]

And the father say,

"Hey, son.

"How're you doin'?
How was your day?"

Petey say, "It was
all right, Dad. I'm cool."

[LAUGHS] I'm laughing.
Don't worry, I'll tell you later.

So, the father said
to the mother,

"Man, what we havin'
for dinner tonight?"

So she say, "Baby, I fixed
your favorite dinner.

"We gonna have
some dam ham."

He said, "Woman, you know
I'm a minister.

"You can't use that
language in this house. What's wrong with you?"

She say, "No, no, baby.
That's the name of the brand. Look at the can."

So she showed him the can.

And he said, "Oh, oh, okay.
It's a beaver.

"It's a dam,
it's the dam ham."

So they sit down.
Petey goes to wash his hands.

He sit down, they say grace.

Father look at Petey and say,

"Petey, pass me the dam ham."

Petey look at Dad and go,
"Damn, Dad.

"I didn't know
you was into that shit."

"Pass me the motherfuckin'
mashed potatoes."

Y'all ready for a show?
Give me energy.

Give me energy.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Please welcome Redd Grand.
Give it up.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

There's a lot of
wild things goin' on, man.

I'm lookin' at TV in my hotel.

Commercials startin'
to make me mad, son.

Especially that
Ford commercial.

Ford gonna ask Redd,
have I driven a Ford lately.

Hell no.

'Cause Ford won't give me
no damn loan this year.

I go in there to buy a Ford,
the man goin' to come out there and tell me

I gots bad credit.

I'm here to
tell y'all black people,

I knew that shit
before I went in there.

Tell me something
I don't know.

And you ever notice
when you got bad credit,

you got people
callin' your house.

Man's gonna call my house

on my phone that I paid
a God damn bill for.

Sometimes, but I pay
that bill, you know.

Someone said, "Mr. Grand,
you know if you don't pay your bill,

"you won't be able to
get a house in the future."

I'm here to tell all
y'all people,

I don't need no damn house.

I live with my mother.

Send her ass the bill.

I ain't never leavin'
the basement.

There's a lot of
wild stuff goin' on, man.

There's a lot of
wild stuff goin' on, man.

I love women to death.

I love all y'all.

But I just got hurt by love,
and it hurt.

And I don't care
if you're a man,

or if you're a God damn woman,

if you get hurt by love,

love will make you do
some stupid shit, won't it?

Oh, man. When you get
hurt by love,

love will make you
do shit like hide in the bushes

at 3:00 in the mornin'

with a helmet on with leaves
comin' out that motherfucker.

That's love, man.

Love will make you
do shit like,

go open up
a joint bank account,

when the other person
don't even have a damn job.

I see y'all in here
with your women. I see y'all.

Man, you got your
girl with you? That's good.

She ain't with you?

I was wondering 'cause she
lookin' at me like she want to turn me out or somethin'.

Peace out. I'm Redd Grand.

I gotta get the
fuck outta here.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Boy, that's a bad
motherfucker.

All right, I wanna look for
Mr. Phillip Bailey

'cause I know you're
in the... Hi.

How you doin'?
Phillip Bailey, y'all.

How you doin'?
I still love you.

I don't know many groups
that was as tight

as Earth, Wind
and Fire myself.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I know you was
the screw that kept that shit all together.

You a bad man and I love you.

Alright y'all.

This next person

comin' to the stage
is from Washington DC.

Put y'all hands together
for Willie and Woody.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Yo, yo, what's up?What's up?

Your hand in my ass,
motherfucker, that's what's up.

I ain't gay.

I cut down the Oakwood tree,

not pussy willow.

You know where you are?

I don't give no fucks.
We getting' paid?

Take a look around.

Alright, I look around.
These motherfuckers are here.

What you doin'?Lookin' around, motherfucker.

Man, turn around
and talk to the mic.

How the fuck I'm supposed to
know who Mike is?

Oh shit.What?

We at the Def Jam.

The motherfuckin' Def Jam.

I told you.

We in the house.Chillin'.

In New York city.I love New York.

Yeah.New York got
two of everything.

Uh-huh.Two airports,

two football teams...

And too many motherfuckers on
the street beggin' for money.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shit.

Tell me where you been.
I haven't seen you, man. I've been calling you up.

Man, I was on vacation.

Can't a brother take
a motherfuckin' vacation?

I was swimmin'
off the coast of Florida.

Oh, you have a good time?Hell no, I almost
drowned my ass.

What happened?Three Cubans hopped
on my back.

Thought I was a God damn raft.

I can't wait to go home
and see my favorite TV show.

What? The Simpsons.

Oh yeah, Bart Simpson.

No, nigga, OJ.

Shit.

He on every fuckin' station.

With the same
disgusting look.

I heard he got two
phone calls on the way home.

In the Bronco?

Yeah, one from Michael Jackson

and the other from
Rodney King.

What did Michael Jackson say?"Hi-hi."

What about Rodney King?"Don't get out
the fuckin' car."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING][LAUGHS]

[WHOOPS]

Then I watched that other
crazy ass show, you know, come on late at night.

You know, the psychic...

Psychic Friends Network.Yeah, with that bitch
Dionne Warwick.

That bitch crazy.
That bitch ain't had a hit since the Ali-Frazier fight.

Gonna tell somebody
their future.

Maybe she's psychic.

If she's so psychic,

how come she didn't tell
Whitney Houston

that Bobby Brown had all
them God damn kids?

Shit man, it's
crazy out there.

You hear about
the surgeon general?What?

They fired the first black
Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders.

Why?'Cause they said she wanna put
masturbation in the schools.

Oh, shit they need to
do somethin' to keep the kids in that motherfucker.

At least they give
you a handbook.

[EXCLAIMS]

That's one class
that nobody would miss.

What's that?Masturbation 101.

[LAUGHS] Everybody comin'.

[MOANS]

[MOANS]

Education's the key.Yeah.

That's right. That's why
you gotta know your history.Yeah.

You know your black history?God damn right.

I used to be a tree,
motherfucker.

I traced my roots.

What about you?

I come from a family
of strong, brave black men and women.

What?That's right.

My father...Yeah.

Fought in the Vietnam War.What?

That's right. Grandfather...Uh-huh.

Fought in World War II.You're kiddin'.

Great Grandfather...Yeah?

Fought in World War One.

Shit man, can't y'all
motherfuckers get along with anybody?

Always fightin'.
Man, I'm horny as shit.

I'm so horny,
I could fuck a log.

I'm gonna get me some
sawdust pussy tonight.

Check her out, man.

God damn, got her legs
crossed and everything.

Shit's so good,
she got to keep it down.

I'd like to see her in 3D.Where?

My hotel room,
motherfucker.

Shit.

She too tall for you, man.

What?She too tall for you.

If she stand up,
she's about 5'2".

You're 3'4".Shit that ain't nothin'.

What?I'm right there where that
motherfucker's at.

My name is Willie Brown.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Keep it goin' for him.

This next person coming to the
stage is a woman, like me.

She's from Chicago, like me.

You gonna enjoy her.
She lives in Los Angeles.

Now, give it up
for Dana Point.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up, black?

How y'all doin'?

All the sisters in the house,
let me hear you say,

"What's really goin' on?"

AUDIENCE:
What's really goin' on?

That's what I'm talkin' about.
All the brothers in here?

Y'all in the house?

Yeah, that's right.
We need to talk.

Want to talk to the ladies.
The Nubians.

Sisters, we gotta
start workin' out.

Gotta start goin' to the gym.

The domestic violence
is gettin' outta hand.

You gotta get yoked,

so you don't get smoked.

Y'all understand
what I'm talkin' about?

See this domestic violence
is getting' outta hand

just like, you know,
the situation that happened with OJ.

See, my condolences
go out to Nicole.

But had OJ been with a sister,

it wouldn't have
jumped out like that.

See, sisters don't get down
like that there.

See, 'cause a sister...

If he would of pulled out
a switch blade on a sister,

sister would've been like...
[GASPS]

"Oh, you gonna try to
cut a bitch, huh?

"Oh, you gonna switchblade
this motherfucker.

"Let me call my cousin,
Junebug, over here.

"Oh, the truce is off, nigga."

Oh, sister would've been
all ready to squabble with him,

"Oh, nigga Mr. NFL, yeah."

"Mr. Heisman.

"And now bring that shit on.

"Now you wanna fight."

Sister would've been
ready to squabble.

Sister don't play that 'cause
OJ would've came up on that sister

in that Bronco in an alley.

Talkin' about,
"Shaquita.

"Come outside. I wanna talk."

Sister wouldn't have came out.

"No, nigga, I'm not comin' out
for you to jump out them bushes on my ass.

"No, nigga."

"Don't make me call the police
round this motherfucker."

Sisters, y'all got it
goin' on, too.

You know, brothers always
dissin' the weave.

See, now I'm a recovering
weave wearer.

The glue fucked me up.

Bitch didn't have no edges.

Wear your weave.

If a man tell you to
take your weave out...

'Cause my boyfriend always
used to tell me.

"Take that weave
out your head.

"I wanna run my fingers
through your hair."

I say, "There's some hair
down here."

Some hair down here.

'Cause I ain't
takin' out the weave.

You better ask somebody.

So I know why some sisters
wear weaves.

They don't wanna fuck
with that pressing comb.

So, you do
what you got to do.

You go down there to that
wig shop and you kick that door in.

Poof.

"Kim Su...

"Hook me up some of that kinky
straight Diana Ross hair.

"Today was a good day."

'Cause, you know,
they got what you need.

You know they got
what you need.

You come in there,
"Oh, how you do today?"

[IMITATING ASIAN ACCENT]
"We have hair. Janet Jackson hair.

"Michael Jackson hair.
We have hair."

"You got any coochie hair?"

"Coochie hair, we have
coochie hair.

"Twelve inch?"

They smart. They real,
real clever.

'Cause see, sisters
spend lot of money

on gettin' themselves
hooked up.

By a round of applause,
how many sisters get their nails and they feet done?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And you know how that is.
You know how that is.

You go in the
nail shop and they...

[IMITATING ASIAN ACCENT]
"How you do today?

"So special.

"Oh, you have big feet,
you need soak in Pine-Sol.

"Right here, right here."

And you know they
get into business, "How you do?

"You have boyfriend?

"You working?

"No working?"

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

My name is Dana Point.
Thank you.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Give it up for Dana Point.

From Chicago.

All right, we gotta
keep this shit rollin', boy.

This next performer is
from Los Angeles

and is back for a third time
on Def Comedy Jam.

He had a 30 minute
special on HBO.

Please welcome D.L Hughley.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

How the fuck y'all doin'?

Oh, sookie, sookie now.

A blonde motherfucker
with a white girl, ain't that a bitch.

HUGHLEY: You ain't learned
shit from OJ, huh?

You gonna be drivin' down
the street with a gun to your fuckin' head, huh?

I don't know
if OJ did it or not.

But on TV, he look crazier
than a motherfucker.

I'm at home goin', "That nigga
may have done that shit."

You know,
you go home and kill two white people with one knife.

You couldn't kill two niggas
with the same knife in the same year.

One nigga would've gone,
"Oh, I see y'all cuttin' motherfuckers up."

"Call me when you
get your stitches,

"bitch, I ain't gettin'
cut up for you."

The problem is white folk
too God damn quiet.

You try to kill two niggas
at 12:30 at night.

[SCREAMS]

"This motherfucker
got a knife!"

White people would just...
[MUFFLED EXCLAIMING]

You could tell
the dog was a nigga

'cause he didn't try to help
nary a motherfucker, did he?

The dog stayed out them white
folk business, didn't he?

They found the dog two weeks
later smokin' a joint.

"We thought you was
a watch dog." "I am."

That's why I watched
them get fucked up.

You know what cracked me up,

that 911 tape
cracked me the fuck up.

"OJ's crazy! Listen, listen!"

You could tell that was
a white brother

'cause If that was a sister,
she'd have made that call from another broad house.

"OJ fuckin' the house up."

"Where you at?"
"I'm at my friend Stacy's house.

"I know you didn't think
I was stayin' there."

And people talk,
all that shit.

"How come they didn't try..."

How the fuck are you
gonna run from OJ?

He caught Kunta Kinte's ass.
He'll run you down too.

Then you'll be a tired
cut up motherfucker.

They say that Ron Goldman
knew karate.

Well, that motherfucker
must have skipped a class.

"How to handle
a crazy motherfucker with a knife."

And if you die stupid,
I don't feel sorry for you.

I don't feel sorry
for nary a one of them motherfuckers in Waco, Texas.

I'm glad they burned their
stupid asses up. Fuck 'em.

Motherfucker walkin' around,
talkin' about how he's Jesus and had on glasses.

How the fuck you gonna
be Jesus if you can't see worth a God damn?

You be healin'
the wrong motherfuckers.

"Jesus, that ain't Lazarus.

"You done raised
up the wrong nigga."

Jesus was black.

I knew Jesus was black
before they told me what color he was.

I knew Jesus was black
by the miracles he did.

Like when he took five fish
and one loaf of bread and fed 10,000 hungry people.

Only a nigga can stretch
a meal out like that.

Damn it, probably had
macaroni and cheese, too.

But they didn't know
how to spell it, so they just left it out.

Certain religions black folk
ain't gonna get into.

We ain't gonna
get into no religion

where we gotta confess
to another motherfucker in a booth.

We ain't tellin' nobody shit
we done already got away with.

"My son, what'd you do?"

"Motherfucker,
what'd you hear?"

I don't know you. Fuck you.

Fuck around, catch a case
talkin' to you. Fuck you.

"Jesus would wanna know."
"Jesus already do know.

"You the nosy motherfucker.
Fuck you."

I ain't shit,
ain't never been shit, ain't ever gonna be shit,

but I tell the truth.

I hate the motherfuckers
who ain't shit all six days a week,

and go to church be, "Sup."

You know you ain't shit when
you go to church

and everybody
get the holy ghost but you.

You try to get it,
it skip right by you.

"Oh, ah, oh!"

"Oh! I didn't get it.
Nigga, you get it?"

People speak in tongues,
you started speakin' tongues talkin', "Order pizza.

"Tell him no sausage,
extra cheese, pepperoni."

"You ain't speakin'
in tongues.

"You're orderin' lunch."

"Bitch, I know. This wine done
gave me the munchies. That the fuck happened."

Dogs don't get along
with niggas, man.

Niggas, niggas...
Dogs cannot stand them.

They hate to see niggas
walk into a pet store.

"Oh, shit.

"Here comes the niggas.
Pretend like you're dead."

But you know niggas,
"Hey, hey, hey.

"How much for the sick dog?
I know he on sale, ain't he?"

Y'all some slow motherfuckers,
God damn.

Look at this brother
up here with them big ass teeth.

God damn, I know your
birthday's on Easter with teeth that big.

With teeth that big you better
not go down on nobody.

You fuck around, get somebody
a hysterectomy.

"I can't have no kids."

Look at this dude here
just ready,

just slow cook them, huh?

You right they don't make
that shade of nigga no more.

You know he black.
When he walk he just crunch, crunch, crunch.

What's up, man?
Those are some big ass ears you got.

You turn the right way
we'll fuckin' get HBO in this motherfucker.

And who's the nigga with
all them dreadlocks lookin' like a broke ass Predator.

How you doin'?

Let me stop fuckin' with you
'cause I know you got a gun.

Broke as you is,
bullet's probably on layaway, huh?

Two more pennies, you dead
as a motherfucker.

And who's the nigga
next to you? God damn.

Look like a nigga Shaggy
from Scooby-Doo.

[IMITATING SCOOBY-DOO]

God damn, you see the gums
on that motherfuckin' guy?

You was 29 years old before
you started teethin', huh?

That don't make no
God damn...

Who the nigga next to you
with that Charlie Brown sweater on?

I'm sorry nigga, I meant...

[IMITATING ADULTS
FROM CHARLIE BROWN]

Y'all been great. Thank you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

D.L. Hughley, y'all.
Keep it goin'.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I didn't know you had
a white woman with you.

The man... We had this man out
with the blonde afro.

She didn't know if she was
with a white man or negro.

She just got her
a combo negro. A blonde and black.

Well, y'all have fun
at the Def Jam.

This is the part where we
got to bring up Russell Simmons.

Come on, Russell.

MAN: I want everyone
to know my name is...

Bring your ass up here.

Please say something.

Y'all wanna hear
somethin' different?

Please, please make some noise
so Russell can say something different.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Somethin' different.

Thank y'all for comin' out.
God bless you, good night.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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