All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s05e02.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI:
It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam!

Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Joe Torry!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Damn! Y'all ready
to laugh with me, say, "Hell yeah."

AUDIENCE: Hell yeah!JOE TORRY: All right then,
God damn it.

Ah, look at these
motherfuckers in the house.

Oh, I can't start the show
without givin' the baddest DJ in the land on national TV

a round of applause,
Kid Capri! Let him hear it, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Simple question.
Simple as hell and shit.

I ain't like white people.
White people, y'all around

I see y'all.

'Cause white people
always on the news. You see that shit, right?

'Cause they always
want to experiment and challenge shit.

You know what I'm sayin'?
You want to capture shit and try to teach you shit.

That's why when them
elephants kicked y'all ass last year,

I was laughin' my ass off.

Y'all saw this thing
where the elephant was like,

"I'm tired of workin'
for peanuts!"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

I was like,
"This shit is better than SportsCenter!"

Know what I'm sayin'?
And, you know, turn on the TV

and white folks flyin'
through the air.

Know what I'm sayin'?
I ain't prejudiced, it's just that,

they always thinkin'
they can do shit.

You know,
the elephant was mad, the elephant was like

"You want to be in the circus?
Now you fly through the air."

I'm like, "Damn!" And then,
here come the stupid other white person.

He gonna run up to the
elephant like this, "Stop!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Elephant was like,
"Didn't you see what I did to them?

"Get yo ass in the air too!"

Then they killed
the elephant.

They killed him 'cause,
you know, the elephant was a black African elephant.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It was.
You know what I'm sayin'?

The elephant,
he ain't forget shit. He was mad.

He's like,
"You been kickin' me,

"you're making me kick balls."

Like, "Look at this
damn shit, man."

So the elephant was like,
you know, he ain't stupid.

He didn't like, run through
the wall or attack people.

What he do? He looked
for the exit sign, he's like, "I'm out."

Ran into a truck,
tried to jack the truck. He's like, "I'm too big."

Then he ran down the street
and they shot him in the ass

and I mad and shit, you know.

'Cause they ain't have to
kill the elephant.

They could have just
tranquilized him, you know what I'm sayin'?

But I was sad for
like, a week.

'Til next week
I turned on the news and who was there?

Another courageous
white person.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Want to take a close-up
picture of a bear.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And I'm like, "Damn!"
You know what I'm sayin'?

Know what I'm sayin'?
I'm like, "Damn! Look at this shit."

You know, big ass sign
that say, "Bitch, don't come in here."

She went and stepped over
the fence like, "Come here, bear."

The bear was like,
"You see her?"

Bear was like,
"Here I come! Here I come! Ah!"

I was like, "Damn!" And she
on the news talkin' about,

[SOBBING] "I don't know
why the bear bit me."

Bitch, it was a bear!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Think it's gonna invite you in
and sit down, shoot some dice or some shit? It's a bear!

I swear, if y'all
got some pets, y'all gotta take care of y'all pets '

'cause them animals will
turn on your ass and shit. Know what I'm sayin'?

For real. I got a friend, man,
he don't take care of his pets.

I'm tellin' you the truth.
When you go over to his house, they're nasty.

They need to call
the Humane Society on his ass.

Just nasty. He got a fish
tank, chicken bones all in the God damn...

Floating around.
The fish can't even see. They bumpin' into each other.

I'm like...[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

One of them swam by
with a sign talkin' about, "Send help."

I was like, "What the..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like, "What?"

That nerd have a bird.
Bird in a bird cage.

Don't even clean the cage.

The shit is built up
to the swing.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Bird can't even swing.
Bird like... [SQUAWKING]

"[SQUAWKS] Let me out."

I'm like, "Damn!"
Dog's skinny. He can't even bark no more.

He done lost his voice.
He's just writin' on the ground.

You know, "Bark. Ruff."

Fuck this.

And the cat, he's sittin'
on top of the icebox, shootin' up.

Talking about,
"I got nothin' but one more life."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND CHEERING]

"You need some pets?"

Are y'all ready
to get this started?

AUDIENCE: Hell yeah!All right then.
All right then.

Now, those who got cable,
you know what to do.

Those who don't have cable,
just shut the fuck up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Don't be fuckin' up
my little intros and shit.

Are y'all ready
for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE:
Damn! Is he funny?

[LAUGHING]

Here for the second time,
give it up for my man, J'Vonne Pearson!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wassup!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I love that shit.

See, black people,
we just come up with shit, don't we?

Y'all gotta give it up,
'cause black people are the most creative

and innovative on
the planet. Give it up for that.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

And we can dance too.
Some of us.

See, there's a lot of y'all
motherfuckers out there

that don't know how to
keep your mouth shut when y'all dance.

And y'all know
what I'm talkin' about, too.

And don't it seem like them
the main people that want to dance with you at a club?

You ever see 'em?
He be like this. Kick it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And there was a lot of sexy
singers came out in the '90s.

We have Toni Braxton.
We have Chante Moore.

And what's that little
sexy singer name?

Trina Campbell?
Tisha Campbell?

Tevin Campbell.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Little sexy motherfucker!

Now, I think that boy done
been in the fruit punch one too many times.

Talkin about, "Can we talk?"
I think we need to, Tevin.

You see his video?
Motherfucker fruitier than a bowl of Fruit Loops.

I don't understand
the music industry.

You don't even have
to look good and get a record deal and make money.

You don't. 'Cause Craig Mack
is a sight for sore eyes!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]God damn! Ugly mother...

That motherfucker's so ugly,
Shabba be like, "Damn!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

"Da-boo-ski!"

Fuck that!
Fuck Flava in yo ear!

Folger's in your face!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fuck it. I'm gonna tell you
why kids are bad.

I had a nephew,
eight years old. Eight.

First day of school
motherfucker got kicked out of school.

Now, my sister
whooped his ass,

but then she whooped him so
bad she felt sorry for him.

Went out, check this out,
and bought him a pair of $125 tennis shoes.

I said, "That's... Damn!"

Do you know what I could
have did with $125 at age eight?

I could have got a lifetime
supply of Bobo's.

Bobo's, flyers,
skippers, y'all know what the fuck Bobo's was.

Them the sneaks,
no matter what you did in them motherfuckers,

they would never rip.

You could stick your foot
out the car like The Flintstones.

Stop the motherfucker.
You may not have no leg,

but that sneaker be right
the fuck there.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Man, kids, the motherfuckers
don't have a right to be bad.

Fuck it. When you go home,
beat your kids.

Fuck it. I'm tellin' you.

Man, they got shit
we would only dream about.

They got shit like
Sega Genesis, Nintendo, Super Nintendo.

When I was growin' up,
we had to invent games.

We played shit like Ding
Dong Dixie or Doorbell Dixie?

There's a game where you go
ring somebody's doorbell and run like hell.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And another game
we played as a child was, That's my Car.

That's the game
where you set your dirty ass in front of a house,

nice car ride by,
you be like, "That's my car."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

A lot of y'all motherfuckers
still playin' it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

A lot of y'all
still playin' it.

Man, you just can't do shit.
And black people, we gotta stop doin' stupid shit.

We be namin' our kids
after the shit we don't have.

I met the girl in the
lobby named Mercedes.

Had a son named Miata.
A daughter named Infinity.

Fuck it. If I have kids,
I'mma name 'em after shit I know I have or gonna get.

Broke Ass!

Big Wheel!

Welfare! Get in here,
Food Stamps! Come on, Crackhead.

See, my shit is missin'.

My shit is missin'.

Yo, that's my time.
I'm J'Vonne Pearson,

dedicated to the
memory of Sean Perretta.

This has been an
Off The Hook production!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

JOE TORRY:
How you doin', Pops? Thanks for comin' out, man.

Pops is in the house.
I ain't, you know, I ain't gonna fuck with you.

Them old cats, they got...
They ain't gonna cut...

They gonna cut me and shit.
You know what I'm sayin'?

I ain't gonna fight you, man,
I'm gonna cut you. You gonna walk by and just...

My father used to do shit
like that. My father used to say shit like,

"Boy, I'll cut you so low
to the ground, your neck'll need crutches.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You'll be comin' over
the curb like this."

I ain't fuckin'
with anybody else.

So, without further ado,
are y'all ready

for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn! Is he funny?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hell yeah. From DC,
please welcome Dartanyan Edmonds

[AUDIENCE CHEERING][MUSIC PLAYING]

Yo, give a round of applause
to my man, Joe Torry.

Y'all recognize.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yo, now everybody
up in here,

we all know that there are
three major sections in the world we live in.

Which are men,
women, and gays.

And nowadays,
everbody's usin' deodorant according to their sex.

Like fellas, we goin' to use
Right Guard for Men 'cause we're men.

Women, they use
the Lady Speed Stick 'cause they ladies.

Gay people,
they usin' Secret.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But that shit strong enough
for a man, but made for a woman, you know?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

And, yo, somebody
tell me, man,

what the fuck is the deal
with these women that got boyfriends in prison?

They be lovin' that
motherfucker. Writin' them letters,

being loyal and shit.
Talkin about, "I love him

"and I'm not gonna never,
ever fuck around on him."

I tell 'em, "Shit,
you might as well.

"He in a cell with a nigga
cheatin' on your ass."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Now, black people, y'all,
one thing we need to stop doin' is

showin' off at special
occasions and shit.

Like, graduation time.
We always got to show off on graduation day.

You think on graduation day
black people would just take their diplomas

and walk across the stage
all calm and cool?

Hell no.

We always got to
go across that motherfucker

like, "This the
Soul Train, nigga!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

See, we need to take it
from white people.

White people
don't do that shit.

Whities just take
their diplomas and they fuckin' walk with 'em.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

'Cause they know
they got eight more years of college left.

They pissed off.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now, we all know after high
school niggas be like, "Shit. That's it!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But we'll do
that shit though.

Black people will get a job
at the car wash.

You know?
'Cause we know how to improvise.

Black people are some
improvisin' motherfuckers, ain't we?

I know every black family
in here that had the big ass

floor model color TV
sittin' in their livin' room.

And when that
motherfucker break down, we don't get it fixed.

We just set a little TV
on top of that motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's what
black people do.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

You know? That's us.

And the whole family,
sittin' around watchin' Good Timesand shit.

Shit. But I'm
a TV buff though.

I love to watch the
motherfuckin' Ricki LakeShow.

Ricki be trappin'
dudes and shit.

Fellas, we can't
lie to Ricki Lake.

Ricki'll catch you
in a heartbeat.

She be like,
"Say it, James,

"isn't it true that you
screwed around on your wife

"for a woman named Marissa?"

Then James fall for this shit.
He be like

"Hell no, Ricki.
I ain't never fucked around on my woman

"for no woman named Marissa."

"Matter of fact,
I don't even know no motherfucker Marissa."

Then that's the part
when Ricki getting his ass.

She'd be like, "Oh, yeah?
Well, guess who I've got backstage!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

"Come on out here, Marissa!"

And one thing,
I'mma tell you. One thing I don't do no more,

I don't go to the barbershops
to get my hair cut.

'Cause barbers be doin'
some funny ass, gay shit sometimes.

Fellas, y'all know
what I'm talkin' about

'cause they try to be
real slick with it, too.

Check this out. You layin'
in the barber's chair.

Got your arms
on the arm rest.

You laid back, chillin'.

Gettin' your hair cut.
Everything's goin' fine.

But then you feel
the barber's dick

rubbin' up against your
arm on your hand.

Yo, yo! Yo, you know what
the fuck I'm talkin' about, right, man?

Yo! Y'all know
what the fuck...

Yo! That's what
happened to me, man!

Dick on my fuckin' hand, man!

And believe me, y'all,
I tried to ease that motherfucker away.

But I couldn't 'cause it got
stuck between his nuts and the chair.

So finally I gave up.
I said, "Fuck it."

I started massagin' his balls.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I don't give a fuck.
I got a free haircut. I ain't been back since.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hey, yo, remember y'all,
Dartanyan loves ya! Peace in here!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Dartanyan, yo!

♪ Chocolate time,
break me off a piece of that sweet potato pie ♪

I'm gonna come out
with a talk show though.

For real.
It's gonna be called The Real Shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

For real. I ain't
bullshittin'. And I'm gonna have, you know...

It's like, you know,
'cause Arsenio left

so that shit is still open.
I'm comin' out with real shit.

That's all I'm
gonna talk about. I ain't asking the guests

nothin' about
your movie or the other shit like that.

It's just gonna
be the real shit.

"Wasn't you a fag
in high school? Wasn't you?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Your mama still a ho?"
Shit like that. Know what I'm sayin'?

Shit you really wanna know.
Know what I'm sayin'?

We can give some
shouts-out to my boys up here in the corner.

Kenny Anderson,
what's up, baby?

That's the baddest dribbler
in basketball.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Well, well, well, well, well.

I can't forget Tim Hardaway,
but he ain't here.

So he the baddest
motherfucker in the...

[LAUGHING]
Know what I'm sayin'?

For real. You know
that's true.

Both of y'all are some bad
motherfuckers, but you know.

Who's the Goldilocks you got
with you and shit?

That's your wife?

That ain't yo wife.
When you get married?

So why you way over
there by your brother?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Know what I'm sayin'?

See, he way over there,
you way over here. What's up?

Your breath kickin'
or something? What's goin' on?

Then you got Silver Surfer
sittin' behind you and shit.

Come on,
stand up, stand up, girl!

Don't be hard. You came here
with that Reynolds Wrap shit. Set it out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Set the shit out.

Don't go nowhere.
I might need a leg to wrap some shit up later.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right?
She tryin' to hide now.

All right, here we go!
Are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn! Is he funny?

Hell yeah, I'm tellin' you,
all the way from money-earnin' Mount Vernon.

Give it up for this dude
for the second time up here.

Talent!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

How y'all doin'?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fuck that, this is New York.
We're in the house.

How y'all doin'
in this motherfucker?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

All right, we're gonna
have a good time.

Before we start,
we gotta give a mad celebrity shout out to my man,

can't believe
he in the house tonight.

Silly question, but how many
people know Michael Jordan?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

His cousin is here.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Booyah!

Don't forget the rule.
Don't take none of this shit personal.

It's just comedy.

Now we can go on.
We happy to be out here?

Motherfucker's a little
chilly now in New York?

We coolin'? Niggas,
you know how niggas is.

We finicky about the weather.

We don't like shit too hot.

We don't like shit too cold.

We like shit lukewarm.

And when it's hot,
knock a man's ass out at work.

Ain't but two things
in the world make a man go right to sleep.

The heat, and when
he busts a nut.

When a man busts a nut,
he need a nap.

You need a nap!

Some niggas be
tryin' to stay up,

talk to they girl,
be sound and all stupid and shit.

Yeah, you know... [MUMBLING]

You need a nap.

That's a greatest sedative
in the world, when a man busts a nut.

Can you imagine they could put
the same effect of a man comin' in a bullet

and give it to the police?

Nobody would
get away with shit.

'Cause it knock you right out
and it feels good.

Nigga could be running
with a stolen TV.

[PANTING] He be like,
"He's gettin' away!"

"No, hold up.
I got some new shit here."

Pop! As soon as it hits
you it's like a nut

and it went, "Pop!"
Nigga went...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Oh, shit! Who shot that?

"Who's shootin' shit?"
Niggas would be at clubs

tryin' to get shot on purpose.

"Fuck you bitch ass!" Pop!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I'm still standin'!"
Pop, pop, pop, pop!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

'Cause that's the greatest
sedative in the world, when a man busts a nut.

For a man, he don't even
have to actually come yet.

Once a man get that right
before you come feelin',

he get that hump
in his back...

That shit right there?
You comin'.

Ain't no stoppin' that.

Many a man tried
to stop that.

"Oh, yeah. Oh, don't move!
Ah, shit! Damn!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The girl be like,
"I stopped movin'."

We be like,
"You took too long. Shit."

Only women could
fuck your head up when they comin'.

Only women be like...

[MOANING]

"No, that's not it."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Give it up for Talent, y'all!

Talent!

All right. Give the man
who pays the bills a round of applause,

but he ain't gonna
say nothin'.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Wait a minute, wait, wait.

Thank you all for coming out.
God bless you, goodnight.

Good night, y'all.
Thanks for comin'!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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