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KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
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00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:14,316
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:14,884 --> 00:00:16,454
[CHEERING]
4
00:00:36,732 --> 00:00:40,522
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for my main man,
5
00:00:40,562 --> 00:00:43,742
Mr. Joe Torry!
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00:00:58,232 --> 00:00:59,932
Kid Capri, y'all!
Give it up to him!
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00:00:59,972 --> 00:01:01,712
[APPLAUSE]
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00:01:05,848 --> 00:01:08,548
If y'all came out here
to laugh, let me hear you say, hell yeah!
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00:01:08,590 --> 00:01:12,120
AUDIENCE: Hell yeah!Aight then! We gonna turn
this motherfucker out!
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00:01:12,159 --> 00:01:14,939
What you say?[AUDIENCE SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]
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00:01:14,987 --> 00:01:17,897
Oh, you all can't see me?AUDIENCE: No!
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00:01:17,947 --> 00:01:22,387
Too motherfuckin' bad.
That camera's right there.
13
00:01:22,430 --> 00:01:25,910
They're like, "Move back!
Move back!"
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I'm sorry. You should have got
your ass here on time.
15
00:01:29,393 --> 00:01:31,183
Mr. White Man is on time.
16
00:01:32,875 --> 00:01:35,565
Motherfucker been here
since 6:30.
17
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Ticket just like this.
"I want to see the Jams."
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00:01:40,404 --> 00:01:43,154
What you doin', man?
You hangin' out with the brothers, man?
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Do this, look at this
motherfucker. Mr. Magoo in the house!
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00:01:48,456 --> 00:01:50,546
Goddamn!
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00:01:50,588 --> 00:01:52,628
Damn, these women look good
in this motherfucker.
22
00:01:52,677 --> 00:01:55,417
Damn, this like one
of the best shows with all these fine-ass fuckin' women.
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00:01:55,463 --> 00:01:58,033
Truly, truly, truly.
So, y'all wanna be on Oprah and shit?
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00:01:58,074 --> 00:02:01,604
'Cause y'all wanna be on Oprah
'cause there be some bros out here givin' up bad dick,
25
00:02:01,643 --> 00:02:04,603
and that's why they run and
take they ass on Oprah Winfrey every goddamn week.
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00:02:04,646 --> 00:02:06,866
That's why every show
Oprah Winfrey got
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is about bad-ass niggas.
I'm tellin' you.
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I mean every fuckin' week,
Next on the Oprah Winfrey Show,
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00:02:12,001 --> 00:02:14,871
niggas that ain't shit.
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00:02:14,917 --> 00:02:18,137
Tomorrow on
Oprah Winfrey Show, some more motherfuckers that ain't shit.
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Special edition, we found
some niggas in a cave and guess what?
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They ain't shit either.
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Damn! Terry McMillan,
she pissed off. She write a goddamn book.
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00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:29,502
You turn the pages
and shit and you ain't shit on this page
35
00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:31,630
and you ain't shit
on this... Damn!
36
00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:33,283
See, them is women...
And I love both of them
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00:02:33,327 --> 00:02:34,977
'cause they some
powerful black women,
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00:02:35,024 --> 00:02:37,774
but them are some women that
need dick in they life.
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I could look around
and tell when a woman ain't had no dick in her life.
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Boom. Look at that.
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00:02:43,032 --> 00:02:44,602
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
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Right there. No dick.
Right there.
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00:02:50,344 --> 00:02:54,524
I could smell it. See, I bet
she got on two pair of drawers, don't you?
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00:02:54,565 --> 00:02:56,995
Sittin' there,
so many women... Some of you women
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00:02:57,046 --> 00:02:59,736
just ain't been stroked
in a long goddamn time.
46
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Can I get an "amen"
from the fellas?MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Amen!
47
00:03:02,051 --> 00:03:04,791
Can I get an "amen"
from the fellas up there?MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Amen!
48
00:03:04,836 --> 00:03:06,836
So, I'm here to set
this shit up.
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00:03:06,882 --> 00:03:10,022
Ain't gonna be anymore
of this bullshit in '94.
50
00:03:10,059 --> 00:03:11,839
You ain't gonna
be cuttin' off our dicks.
51
00:03:16,718 --> 00:03:17,978
Know what I'm sayin'?
52
00:03:19,721 --> 00:03:21,111
I'm sick of that shit.
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00:03:21,157 --> 00:03:22,847
Hey, our dick ain't gonna be
on no more news shows,
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00:03:22,898 --> 00:03:24,728
talkin' about we can't fuck.
55
00:03:24,769 --> 00:03:27,949
I ain't gonna be talkin' about
dicks no more goddamn more.
56
00:03:27,990 --> 00:03:29,560
Some of you women need
to quit trippin' though.
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00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,340
'Cause you be
playin' a brother.
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00:03:31,385 --> 00:03:34,205
Won't tell him when
your little friend is in town.
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00:03:34,257 --> 00:03:37,427
You know, what I'm sayin'?
Tell a motherfucker, he take you out all goddamn day,
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00:03:37,478 --> 00:03:39,568
spend all this money
and then you come home talkin' about...
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00:03:39,610 --> 00:03:41,440
"Well, I can't do nothin'
'cause my friend's in town."
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I don't know what the fuck
that mean!
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00:03:45,312 --> 00:03:46,442
Make the motherfucker
sleep on the couch!
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00:03:46,487 --> 00:03:47,707
I want some ass!
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00:03:50,578 --> 00:03:53,578
Damn! All through dinner and
you ain't tell me this shit?
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00:03:53,624 --> 00:03:57,194
You lookin' good,
smellin' good, my dick is harder than a $50 jawbreaker!
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00:03:59,456 --> 00:04:02,146
And you're puttin' me
through this shit? What the fuck I supposed to do?
68
00:04:03,286 --> 00:04:05,066
"We could just cuddle."
Cuddle?
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00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:06,684
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:04:06,724 --> 00:04:08,554
If I wanted to cuddle, I'd of
have sent your ass to dinner
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00:04:08,596 --> 00:04:09,806
with a motherfuckin'
teddy bear.
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[LAUGHTER]
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00:04:11,512 --> 00:04:12,992
I ain't gonna have this shit.
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00:04:13,035 --> 00:04:14,985
I'm not gonna have this shit.
Brothers, y'all with me?
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00:04:15,037 --> 00:04:17,297
MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yeah!Can I get an "amen"
from the brothers?
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MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Amen!Dick is comin' in '94.
Dick is comin' in '94.
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00:04:22,610 --> 00:04:24,660
Dick in your life.
Dick in your life.
78
00:04:24,699 --> 00:04:27,309
Dick in your life.
Dick in your life.
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00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:28,964
I know y'all need
some dick in your life.
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00:04:29,007 --> 00:04:30,617
[APPLAUSE]
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00:04:31,793 --> 00:04:34,933
You been lookin' at me
all wrong.
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00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:37,760
Don't be... I... I'll fuck you
so hard I'll make you confess.
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00:04:37,799 --> 00:04:39,759
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]
84
00:04:39,801 --> 00:04:44,201
She be sittin' there,
"I cheated on my SATs.
85
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:47,420
"Did some weed.
I'm on welfare, I ain't got no job.
86
00:04:47,461 --> 00:04:49,461
"What you want to know?
What you want to know?"
87
00:04:50,855 --> 00:04:52,375
You lookin' at me like that!
88
00:04:53,641 --> 00:04:55,341
'Cause you gonna get
some dick in your life.
89
00:04:55,382 --> 00:04:57,602
See, you need
a dick in your life.
90
00:04:57,645 --> 00:04:59,855
You need two dicks
in your life.
91
00:04:59,908 --> 00:05:02,608
You need three dicks
in your life.
92
00:05:02,650 --> 00:05:04,870
I'm tellin' you, ain't no
more of this bullshit.
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00:05:04,913 --> 00:05:09,703
Let me hear
you say dick in your life!AUDIENCE: Dick in your life.
94
00:05:09,744 --> 00:05:14,664
Now, let me hear you say
dick in your life!AUDIENCE: Dick in your life!
95
00:05:14,705 --> 00:05:16,445
Ah, stop that shit, man.
96
00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:20,413
Eh... Fuckin' off.
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00:05:22,278 --> 00:05:23,318
Damn!
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00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:27,634
See what y'all did to me?
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00:05:29,851 --> 00:05:31,511
♪ Y'all don't hear me
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00:05:34,116 --> 00:05:36,766
I'm back now.
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00:05:36,814 --> 00:05:40,644
All right, y'all.
From D.C. makin' his second appearance
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00:05:40,688 --> 00:05:44,648
on the Def Comedy Jam,
funny as hell, Mr. Tony Woods.
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00:05:44,692 --> 00:05:46,042
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
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00:05:55,833 --> 00:05:58,183
Wassup, New York?
How y'all feel?
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00:05:58,227 --> 00:05:59,397
[AUDIENCE YELLS INDISTINCTLY]
106
00:05:59,446 --> 00:06:01,396
Aight. Hey, look, look, look.
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00:06:01,448 --> 00:06:04,058
Before we get started,
I gotta apologize,
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00:06:04,102 --> 00:06:06,502
y'all, straight off, because
you hear my throat is all messed up.
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00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:08,370
My voice been
givin' me problems.
110
00:06:08,411 --> 00:06:10,591
I don't have a cold
or nothin' like that,
111
00:06:10,631 --> 00:06:14,641
it's just this new product
out on the market that really irritates your throat
112
00:06:14,678 --> 00:06:19,548
somethin' awful, and fellas
especially, you gotta look out for this stuff, man.
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00:06:19,596 --> 00:06:21,816
It's Monistat 7.
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00:06:23,644 --> 00:06:25,254
Ahhh! Haaa!
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00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:27,300
Haaa!
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00:06:28,736 --> 00:06:30,556
[LAUGHTER]
117
00:06:34,089 --> 00:06:38,829
Y'all nasty, shit.
Y'all laughin'.
118
00:06:38,876 --> 00:06:42,526
That's aight. Hey, I
laugh at anything, too.
119
00:06:42,576 --> 00:06:46,186
I been laughin'
at the wrong shit for years.
120
00:06:46,231 --> 00:06:48,501
You know, when I was
little I remember when I first noticed
121
00:06:48,538 --> 00:06:51,888
I had a flaw in my character.
I was like eight years old.
122
00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:53,593
Me and my mother
was goin' to school.
123
00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:55,760
You know, she takin'
me in the car, we stop at a red light.
124
00:06:55,806 --> 00:07:00,326
[SCREECH] And another
school bus pull out right beside my mother's car.
125
00:07:00,376 --> 00:07:06,506
But it wasn't like a regular
school bus. It was like a little short school bus.
126
00:07:06,556 --> 00:07:11,646
And the kids on the bus must
have been really excited about goin' to school, you know?
127
00:07:11,692 --> 00:07:14,742
'Cause they was all goin'...
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
128
00:07:16,087 --> 00:07:17,957
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
129
00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:27,527
Hey, I didn't know!
I started laughin'.
130
00:07:27,577 --> 00:07:33,537
I said, "Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma!
131
00:07:33,583 --> 00:07:36,933
"Look at these
crazy kids on this bus!"
132
00:07:36,978 --> 00:07:41,848
And she looked over... [GASPS]
She said, "Boy, don't you ever
133
00:07:41,896 --> 00:07:46,506
"laugh at those kids again.
Those kids are special."
134
00:07:47,118 --> 00:07:48,768
[LAUGHTER]
135
00:07:54,822 --> 00:07:57,742
"Even the one
lickin' the window?"
136
00:07:57,781 --> 00:07:59,481
FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Oh, my God.
137
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:11,270
And now I have a son
and he's only seven years old.
138
00:08:11,316 --> 00:08:16,626
And I try to instill in him
the same values and principles my parents instilled in me.
139
00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:20,500
And I was takin' him to
school in the summer.
140
00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:24,633
To his little $125 a week
bullshit program.
141
00:08:24,678 --> 00:08:27,808
You know, I say,
$125 'cause finger paint...
142
00:08:27,855 --> 00:08:31,025
Say motherfucker,
$125, I want to see a movie you wrote.
143
00:08:33,687 --> 00:08:36,817
And then them bitches
at the daycare say,
144
00:08:36,864 --> 00:08:40,914
"Elonzo was cuttin' up today.
He's not goin' on the trip tomorrow."
145
00:08:40,955 --> 00:08:42,775
You a motherfuckin' liar.
146
00:08:42,826 --> 00:08:44,606
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
147
00:08:48,919 --> 00:08:54,139
Unless you want to see
his father act a motherfuckin' fool.
148
00:08:54,185 --> 00:08:55,875
[LAUGHTER]
149
00:08:57,449 --> 00:09:01,579
But anyway, I'm takin'
him to school,
150
00:09:01,628 --> 00:09:04,458
and we stop at a
traffic light. [SCREECH]
151
00:09:05,196 --> 00:09:06,416
Same car.
152
00:09:07,895 --> 00:09:10,805
And wouldn't you know it,
right beside us... [SCREECH]
153
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,680
Same bus.
154
00:09:14,728 --> 00:09:17,378
Must have been the same school
155
00:09:17,426 --> 00:09:20,386
'cause the kids
were really excited.
156
00:09:20,429 --> 00:09:22,129
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
157
00:09:25,260 --> 00:09:26,700
And he didn't know either.
158
00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:32,180
He started laughin'. He said,
"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
159
00:09:32,223 --> 00:09:34,053
"Look at these
crazy kids on this bus."
160
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:37,842
And that is so sad, man.
161
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,488
'Cause I said, "No!
162
00:09:41,537 --> 00:09:46,187
"Look at the motherfucker
at the back of the bus with the big ass head!"
163
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:59,987
We sittin' there... We sittin'
there for 10 minutes crackin' up laughin'.
164
00:10:00,034 --> 00:10:02,254
I had to pull over.
165
00:10:02,297 --> 00:10:05,207
I said, "Man, you crazier
than a motherfucker, boy!"
166
00:10:05,779 --> 00:10:07,689
[APPLAUSE]
167
00:10:11,915 --> 00:10:14,955
Hey, y'all be cool.
My name is Tony Woods. Goodnight.
168
00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:16,655
[MUSIC PLAYING]
169
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:29,154
Oh, that motherfucker
sick, man.
170
00:10:29,193 --> 00:10:31,543
Funnier than a
motherfucker though. Tony Woods, y'all.
171
00:10:31,587 --> 00:10:33,497
[APPLAUDING]
172
00:10:39,377 --> 00:10:42,117
Here we go. Y'all with us?
173
00:10:42,163 --> 00:10:45,433
The white guys, they with us?
That motherfucker cooler than y'all.
174
00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:52,220
And here we go.
Are y'all ready... For the next comedian?
175
00:10:52,260 --> 00:10:54,780
AUDIENCE: Damn, is he funny?
176
00:10:54,828 --> 00:10:58,008
Hell yeah! Y'all
seen him in a commercial.
177
00:10:58,048 --> 00:11:00,958
He Calvin from McDonald's.
You know, the homeboy motherfucker?
178
00:11:01,008 --> 00:11:03,268
Give it up for Alex Thomas.
179
00:11:03,314 --> 00:11:05,104
[MUSIC PLAYING]
180
00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:11,893
Yes! Yes! Yes!
181
00:11:11,932 --> 00:11:14,672
What up, y'all?[AUDIENCE YELLS INDISTINCTLY]
182
00:11:14,717 --> 00:11:20,327
Oh, it's cold as shit
out here. Got a fucked-up welcome by the NYPD.
183
00:11:20,375 --> 00:11:24,115
I'm drivin' from the airport,
cops pulled me over.
184
00:11:24,161 --> 00:11:28,211
Now, cops get on my
nerves 'cause they ask the dumbest questions.
185
00:11:28,252 --> 00:11:31,472
You know, my mother always
told me, "Boy, if somebody ask you a stupid question,
186
00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:33,036
"you give them
a stupid answer."
187
00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:35,695
Cops gone walk
up to my car.
188
00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:41,000
"Would you like
to step out the car?"
189
00:11:42,397 --> 00:11:45,567
I said, "Hell no! It's cold!
190
00:11:45,617 --> 00:11:49,967
"I got the heat on.
How about you hop your ass in here with me?"
191
00:11:55,976 --> 00:11:58,756
We need cops though now
'cause it's just gettin' crazy now.
192
00:11:58,805 --> 00:12:01,365
Brothers gettin' carjacked
every night now.
193
00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:03,106
People, believe me, be smart.
194
00:12:03,157 --> 00:12:04,767
It could happen to you.
195
00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:09,031
Give up the car. You can
always get another car.
196
00:12:09,076 --> 00:12:11,636
Believe me, I know.
I got carjacked a month and a half ago.
197
00:12:11,687 --> 00:12:15,127
2:00 in the morning
by one of them window-washin' bums.
198
00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:20,905
Just as I'm steppin' out
my car, he had the gun to my head.
199
00:12:20,957 --> 00:12:23,257
I became a used car salesmen.
200
00:12:25,092 --> 00:12:28,622
He went, "Get out the car
and give me all your money.
201
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:30,100
"You got something to say?"
202
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,060
I said, "Yes, I do!
203
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:34,840
"You gonna love the way
this car handles.
204
00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:41,331
"Power steering, four by four,
dual airbags.
205
00:12:41,369 --> 00:12:43,069
"She's great on
the open highway."
206
00:12:47,114 --> 00:12:49,034
I'm totally against guns,
207
00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:51,422
but it's got to the point
now where I had to get out
208
00:12:51,466 --> 00:12:53,856
and buy my own gun
for self defense.
209
00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:56,473
I go into gas stations
now, shit.
210
00:12:56,514 --> 00:12:58,734
I become a vigilante
SWAT member.
211
00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:02,833
Turn off my car.
Kick out my door.
212
00:13:04,261 --> 00:13:07,311
All right! I'm about
to fill up my tank!
213
00:13:09,353 --> 00:13:11,143
I don't want to have
to hurt nobody!
214
00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:13,919
Drop the Windex,
nigga! Drop it!
215
00:13:18,319 --> 00:13:20,359
Let me get one dollar
on pump eight.
216
00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:30,107
Everybody lately's been askin'
me, "Hey man, why you wear that whistle, man?
217
00:13:30,157 --> 00:13:31,587
"Why you wear that whistle?"
218
00:13:31,636 --> 00:13:33,416
I told them my whole life
I wanted to be a referee.
219
00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:37,725
An umpire.
Any type of official.
220
00:13:37,773 --> 00:13:41,343
This shit never happens, so,
what do I call myself now? I call myself a public referee.
221
00:13:42,169 --> 00:13:44,649
Made up my own rules.
222
00:13:44,693 --> 00:13:48,483
I'm out in the streets
callin' everything I see.
223
00:13:48,523 --> 00:13:51,223
Hey! Hey! [BLOWS WHISTLE]
Illegal aliens!
224
00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:57,182
Too many in the car.
225
00:14:00,187 --> 00:14:03,447
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Technical foul. Jungle fever.
226
00:14:13,374 --> 00:14:15,904
See a fat lady in some
tight-ass biker shorts.
227
00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:18,422
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Illegal motion!
228
00:14:18,466 --> 00:14:19,946
[LAUGHTER]
229
00:14:19,989 --> 00:14:21,639
Too much ass in the streets.
230
00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:27,949
See a gay couple walkin'
down the street. [BLOWS WHISTLE]
231
00:14:27,997 --> 00:14:30,297
Time out! Illegal entry.
232
00:14:30,347 --> 00:14:32,257
[LAUGHTER]
233
00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:41,103
See a lady walkin' down the
street with her tits fallin' out her shirt. [BLOWS WHISTLE]
234
00:14:41,141 --> 00:14:42,231
Double dribble!
235
00:14:49,062 --> 00:14:51,242
It's got to the point now,
I'll be in line at the liquor store.
236
00:14:51,281 --> 00:14:53,151
If the brother in
front of me is buyin' condoms,
237
00:14:53,196 --> 00:14:55,976
I just gotta let him know.
[BLOWS WHISTLE] Safe!
238
00:14:59,289 --> 00:15:02,289
Alex Thomas, y'all. I'm out.
239
00:15:02,336 --> 00:15:04,506
[MUSIC PLAYS]
240
00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:12,780
Alex Thomas in
the house! Alex Thomas in the house.
241
00:15:13,695 --> 00:15:15,955
Now, are y'all ready?
242
00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:19,272
Give it up for my man
from Chicago, Geoff Brown!
243
00:15:20,223 --> 00:15:22,013
[MUSIC PLAYING]
244
00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:32,536
Wassup?AUDIENCE: Wassup?
245
00:15:35,021 --> 00:15:37,631
How y'all doin'?
My name is Geoff Brown, as introduced.
246
00:15:38,850 --> 00:15:41,070
A few things
I'd like to discuss.
247
00:15:41,114 --> 00:15:44,034
A few things that beleaguer
and beset our people, one of them
248
00:15:44,073 --> 00:15:47,343
being the word "nigger."
249
00:15:47,381 --> 00:15:51,911
A very ugly, negative word.
Unfortunately, it must exist
250
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:55,561
because there are some of us
it describes perfectly.
251
00:15:55,606 --> 00:15:57,606
Let's discuss them, shall we?
252
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:03,310
If you leave your house in
rollers and/or slippers
253
00:16:03,353 --> 00:16:07,973
and/or plastic bags you
sir/ma'am, are a nigger.
254
00:16:11,535 --> 00:16:14,965
The message, ladies
and gentlemen, don't be a nigger.
255
00:16:15,017 --> 00:16:18,497
Hopefully, as I look out,
all I see is a sea of beautiful black people.
256
00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:21,757
Let's leave that word
behind us.
257
00:16:24,157 --> 00:16:26,807
Gotta use it sometimes
'cause you know, we all got 'em.
258
00:16:26,855 --> 00:16:30,815
I got 'em in my family.
My uncle Snookie is one, for example.
259
00:16:30,859 --> 00:16:32,949
Thought I missed him
'cause I loved him.
260
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:37,002
Turns out it's just
'cause he's so damn stupid.
261
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:41,649
You know how you
spell words around kids you don't want them to know?
262
00:16:41,696 --> 00:16:47,616
My uncle Snookie always
spelled the wrong damn words.
263
00:16:47,658 --> 00:16:51,228
"Hey, puttin' these toys
together. When we gonna tell these K-I-D-S
264
00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:52,661
"they ain't no Santa Claus?
265
00:16:53,273 --> 00:16:55,143
[LAUGHTER]
266
00:16:59,322 --> 00:17:02,632
"I say we go out in the C-A-R
and smoke some dope."
267
00:17:02,673 --> 00:17:04,073
[LAUGHTER]
268
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:10,732
Just a stupid ass.
I sat down to a game of Scrabble
269
00:17:10,768 --> 00:17:14,768
with this man, figurin'
I could blow his mind with some of my logic.
270
00:17:14,816 --> 00:17:17,776
He blew me away with something
here though. Boy, you ain't been around long enough
271
00:17:17,819 --> 00:17:22,039
to play a game like this
with me. I gotta a word for you. P-Y-O-N-S-O.
272
00:17:23,912 --> 00:17:26,742
I said, "Py..."
"Boy, that's pencil!
273
00:17:30,484 --> 00:17:33,054
"Want me to use it for you
in a sentence?
274
00:17:33,095 --> 00:17:36,225
"My nephew kept actin' a fool
so I stabbed him in the eye with a pyonso."
275
00:17:38,622 --> 00:17:43,712
Okay. I'm tryin' like hell
and he is just goin' to town.
276
00:17:43,758 --> 00:17:47,588
"I got another one
for you. Pass me that bag. B-O-F-U-B-M."
277
00:17:48,850 --> 00:17:51,070
Bof... "Boy, that's
both of 'em!
278
00:17:55,944 --> 00:17:58,774
"He kept actin' a fool
so I stabbed out bofubm."
279
00:18:04,344 --> 00:18:08,044
Little bit more to think
about, this is 1994.
280
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:11,997
The HIV virus
knows no friends. Protect yourselves.
281
00:18:12,047 --> 00:18:15,567
Ah, I don't know.
There's not too much more I can say about that
282
00:18:15,616 --> 00:18:19,266
except, you know,
fellas, carry condoms. Ladies carry condoms
283
00:18:19,315 --> 00:18:21,575
for your stupid-ass
boyfriends.
284
00:18:21,622 --> 00:18:23,802
Seriously, ladies. We will not
think any less of you
285
00:18:23,841 --> 00:18:26,761
if you whip out
a 12 pack of Trojans.
286
00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:29,501
Unless, of course, there's
only three left in the box.
287
00:18:29,543 --> 00:18:31,283
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
288
00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:38,068
I was watching the survey.
Scared the hell out of me. They say the people
289
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:44,597
least likely to be infected
with the HIV virus
290
00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:47,815
are women between
the ages of 55 and 80.
291
00:18:48,605 --> 00:18:49,605
[LAUGHTER]
292
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:58,624
This changes my datin' plans
all the way around.
293
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:06,230
People askin' me, "Geoff,
where you goin' after this?
294
00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:09,315
"Tribeca?" "Nope! Shady Pines
Convalescent Home."
295
00:19:11,933 --> 00:19:14,153
Y'all be chasin'
these young women, I be runnin' around goin',
296
00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:17,626
"Oh Martha, somethin' about
the way you drag that oxygen behind you drives me crazy.
297
00:19:17,678 --> 00:19:18,808
"Come here!"
298
00:19:20,333 --> 00:19:23,903
Shout out to my sponsor,
[INAUDIBLE]. Peace and love!
299
00:19:23,945 --> 00:19:25,685
[CROWD CHEERING]
300
00:19:25,729 --> 00:19:27,559
[MUSIC PLAYING]
301
00:19:31,518 --> 00:19:34,038
[SCATTING]
302
00:19:35,478 --> 00:19:37,608
Another round of
applause, y'all, Geoff Brown!
303
00:19:39,830 --> 00:19:41,090
KID CAPRI: Hey, Joe.
304
00:19:41,136 --> 00:19:42,616
Wassup, man?
305
00:19:42,659 --> 00:19:44,659
KID CAPRI: Ain't that
that girl from SWV up there?
306
00:19:44,705 --> 00:19:49,665
SWV?
Hey, wassup? In the house!
307
00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:53,800
How y'all doin'?
Thanks for comin' out to Def Jam!
308
00:19:54,628 --> 00:19:56,198
You havin' fun? Yeah.
309
00:20:00,938 --> 00:20:04,728
Aight, y'all. We gonna
keep this motherfucker rollin', rollin', rollin'.
310
00:20:04,768 --> 00:20:07,158
This next guy comin' to the
stage, y'all, they from Houston, Texas.
311
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:10,426
Give it up for Arceneaux
and Mitchell, here for the second time.
312
00:20:10,470 --> 00:20:12,250
[MUSIC PLAYING]
313
00:20:17,868 --> 00:20:20,738
Come on,
Def Jam! Make some fuckin' noise!
314
00:20:20,784 --> 00:20:23,094
In the house! Def Jam! Wassup?
315
00:20:23,134 --> 00:20:24,884
There you go!
316
00:20:24,919 --> 00:20:26,919
Aight.
Now, what's the deal with this
317
00:20:26,964 --> 00:20:29,924
Long Island Railroad
shit, man?
318
00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:32,837
My question
is why did they say it was a racial incident?
319
00:20:32,883 --> 00:20:35,103
It was not a racial incident.
320
00:20:35,146 --> 00:20:37,886
Because there were
black people on that train.
321
00:20:37,932 --> 00:20:39,632
But when they heard that
motherfuckin' gun...
322
00:20:39,673 --> 00:20:41,463
They got the fuck off.
323
00:20:41,501 --> 00:20:43,291
[LAUGHTER]
324
00:20:43,329 --> 00:20:46,109
White people were the
only ones standin' around, expectin' shit.
325
00:20:46,157 --> 00:20:49,467
[MIMICS GUNSHOT]
"Hey, Bob. Did you hear that?"
326
00:20:49,509 --> 00:20:51,289
"Goddamn it. What the hell
is goin' on now?"
327
00:20:51,337 --> 00:20:53,557
"I think
somebody's shootin' up there."
328
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,520
"Goddamn it,
I don't believe it."
329
00:20:55,558 --> 00:20:57,778
"It's a public train,
they can't... I'm gonna go and investigate this.
330
00:20:57,821 --> 00:21:00,781
"You go and tell them to
what the hell's going on?""Put that goddamn gun away."
331
00:21:02,348 --> 00:21:07,088
Fuckin' shit! Take that!
332
00:21:07,135 --> 00:21:11,095
"Hey now, buddy! Listen, Mac,
I don't know what the fuck you think you're doin',
333
00:21:11,139 --> 00:21:12,919
"but this is a
public train. [MIMICS GUNSHOT]
334
00:21:12,967 --> 00:21:16,317
"and you can't just go around
shootin' people." [MIMICS GUNSHOT]
335
00:21:16,362 --> 00:21:18,152
"Goddamn it! You just
shot my friend!
336
00:21:18,189 --> 00:21:19,669
"What the hell's wrong
with you? [MIMICS GUNSHOT]
337
00:21:19,713 --> 00:21:22,063
"Ooh, let's get the fuck off.
Come on."
338
00:21:22,106 --> 00:21:26,066
"Shit, man. We already have
enough problems as it is."
339
00:21:26,110 --> 00:21:28,460
That's right. And what's
the deal with rap music today?
340
00:21:28,504 --> 00:21:31,384
Yo, back when Houdini and them
was kickin' it, rap was rap!
341
00:21:31,420 --> 00:21:34,210
Hell yeah!It was music!
342
00:21:34,249 --> 00:21:39,079
It made sense!
Now what you got? Back the fuck up!
343
00:21:39,123 --> 00:21:42,133
I don't give a fuck,
motherfucker! Suck my dick! I don't give a fuck!
344
00:21:42,170 --> 00:21:45,390
Shoot.Thank you!
Good night!
345
00:21:45,434 --> 00:21:47,614
Shit!That's right! That's right!
346
00:21:47,654 --> 00:21:49,534
Crazy shit!
347
00:21:49,569 --> 00:21:51,089
And what we gonna
do about Michael?
348
00:21:51,135 --> 00:21:52,695
What we gonna do
about Michael, y'all?
349
00:21:52,746 --> 00:21:54,656
What we gonna do
about it? Y'all know he didn't do that!
350
00:21:54,704 --> 00:21:58,364
And now they sayin'
the little boy says he can identify Michael's nuts!
351
00:21:58,404 --> 00:22:02,154
So they want to
see the man's nuts in court,
352
00:22:02,190 --> 00:22:03,970
like Mike gonna walk in...
353
00:22:04,018 --> 00:22:07,278
So you want to see...[CROWD SCREAMING]
354
00:22:07,717 --> 00:22:10,497
Ohhh!
355
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:13,980
It ain't gonna happen.
356
00:22:14,028 --> 00:22:16,158
And Michael sayin' it
don't matter if you black or white, right?
357
00:22:16,204 --> 00:22:18,084
Ain't what he sayin'?
Don't matter if you're black or white.
358
00:22:18,119 --> 00:22:20,249
When they finished with
Michael, not only is he gonna know he black,
359
00:22:20,295 --> 00:22:21,985
he gonna be a nigger!Yes!
360
00:22:22,689 --> 00:22:24,599
[MUSIC PLAYING]
361
00:22:32,089 --> 00:22:33,399
Give it up!
362
00:22:37,530 --> 00:22:40,790
Crazier than cat shit!
363
00:22:40,837 --> 00:22:44,277
It ain't that we tired,
it's just that time's expired.
364
00:22:44,319 --> 00:22:46,409
Come on up here,
Russell Simmons.
365
00:22:51,457 --> 00:22:53,417
He's gonna say this shit
in Japanese this week.
366
00:22:53,459 --> 00:22:56,509
Say the shit.
Say the shit in Japanese. Come on, man.
367
00:22:56,549 --> 00:22:59,159
Thank y'all for comin' out.
God bless you. Good night.
368
00:22:59,203 --> 00:23:00,993
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
369
00:23:01,031 --> 00:23:03,081
[MUSIC PLAYING]
370
00:23:03,131 --> 00:23:07,681
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