All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s04e09.eng

[MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell
Simmons'Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Joe Torry.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Wassup?

Y'all came out to laugh
with me, "Hell yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Hell yeah!

All right, then.
We gonna rock this motherfucker tonight.

Give it up to
God damn Kid Capri in the God damn booth.

Give it to his ass.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND WHISTLING]

Sexy-ass beige motherfucker.

Kid Capri get a lot of pussy.

That's from Def Jam.
Don't you, kid? Tell us about it.

What you got
that I ain't got, kid?

And don't say a big dick,
I know you're gonna go there.

Ain't got shit.

Now you know
you ain't goin' get shit. It's a damn shame.

Hey, hey, hey,
all you black people coming out to see me.

Appreciate that shit.
You know, kind of life after Martin, you know.

You know how you be looking
at motherfucker like,

"All right, nigger.
We miss that motherfucker. You better fill them shoes."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

'Cause I'm here to tell you,
though, it's a new sheriff in town

and his name is Uncle Joey.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So y'all gotta be good.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Getting hot up here with
that God damn motherfucking hat on and shit,

but I gotta wear
that shit this year.

And lover baby...

[WOMEN CHEERING]

Where my man Charles Oakley at
in the house? Where you at? Big Charlie in the house!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

You wore the hat, man.
That's cool.

Motherfuckers like him,
black motherfuckers like me and him.

Big, black motherfucker.
How you doing, man? You cool?

I love that motherfucker,
that man.

Hang out sometime
in the summer when his ass is doing his shit.

Who's this other motherfucker
in front of you, man?

I... I don't recognize
him right off the bat.

Motherfucker look like
he about to jump.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Crazy motherfucker. Jump!

All right. You jump down
and get that ass beat.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's New York, motherfucker.
Don't think these niggers goin' accept that shit.

Who are you, man? Who are you?

Let me know if I'm missing out
on something. Onyx?

Oh, you are coming up,
motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

That's all he had to say,
was, "Ah."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, old man, coming out...
Coming out again. Y'all came by before and shit.

Man, I didn't recognize
you without the bald heads and shit.

You hear what I'm saying?
That's the hook shit.

KID CAPRI: Hey, Joe.What?

Hey! What's up, Kid?

Hi, Joe.How you doing?

You look great in black, Joe.Thank you. Thank you.

You two beige motherfuckers
look good back there in the booth.

Hey.JOE: You fucked up.

KID CAPRI:
Let's not be jealous now.

That'll get you
nowhere, Joseph.

Kid... Kid, see, look at you.
Kid got a... Two kids. Ain't that a bitch?

JOE: Kid...

Kid, you had to find you
a beige partner 'cause I got my black partner.

What the fuck's up?

Smile so I can see you, Joe.JOE: Oh, okay.

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]

Through the heart.
Hit me through the heart.

Just keeping you
on your toes, Joe.

Shut the fuck up,
beige-ass motherfucker and I was gonna be nice.

No, you started this shit,
kid, though.

I love you, man.
I love you... I love you because you goin'...

They goin' gang up on me
and shit and do that kick shit on the motherfucker.

Anyway, are y'all ready
for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn, is he funny?

JOE: All right.

Coming to y'all, he was born
in Jamaica, but now he lives in New York.

Give it up for Ian Edwards.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Booyaka... Booyaka... Booyaka.

Booyaka... Booyaka... Booyaka.

Booyaka. Booyaka...
Everybody, booyaka.

AUDIENCE: Booyaka.

White man, Booyaka...
Booyaka.

What the fuck is a booyaka?

I don't know, we just say it.

People think Jamaican people
are crazy, man. You believe that shit?

Especially after my man shot
that shit up on the train.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like we all related and shit.

But I say, "Fuck it.
If somebody think you crazy,

"use that shit
to your advantage."

The other day some brothers
tried to rob me, man.

Said to me they had a gun
and said, "Yo, my man, wassup?

"Give me your watch,
your wallet. Give me that shit right now."

So I was like, "Maybe they
don't know I'm Jamaican.

If I let 'em know,
maybe I'll get out this shit.

I was like, "You want to
bumbaclot rob me?

"You want to take
my rasta bumbaclot watch and wallet?

"Take it with you
bumbaclot back.

"Come, rasta, take it so you
think y'all fucking bad."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[WHISTLING]

They was like, "Damn, man.
We didn't know you was Jamaican and shit."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Go ahead."

I was like,
"Damn, this shit works.

"I can use this shit
anywhere I go."

So I'm driving down south
in my piece-of-shit car.

Car break down in the woods
in the middle of a Ku Klux Klan rally.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Some of you ain't laughing,
'cause you was there.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So the wizard
stepped up to me,

"Excuse me, son,
but you kind of in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"See, me and the fellas here
planning on having a necktie party

"and we want you
to wear the tie."

I was like, "Maybe he
don't know I'm Jamaican.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Maybe I can
get out of this shit."

I said, "You want to
bumbaclot hang me?

"You want to put
the rope around me neck.

"Come touch me
with your fucking bat.

"Come bumbaclot touch me.
Me no scared. Come touch me.

"Me no scared.
Come touch me."

He was like,

"Damn, well, son, you didn't
have to act up like that.

"We didn't know you was
one of dem there Jamaicans."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Fellas, fix his car
and let him go."

I was like,
"Damn, this shit works. I could get away with shit."

So I'm back in
New York City, I'm on the train.

It's rush hour.

There ain't no
seats left on the train,

but I figure I should
get a seat because I'm Jamaican.

I see this one dude
sitting in a seat.

I said,
"Yo, my man, what's up? Give me that seat.

"Get out that fucking seat
right now before I punch you in your head.

"Get out that fucking seat."

My man get out the seat,

"You want this
bumbaclot seat?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You want this rasta seat,
come take it."

[AUDIENCE WHISTLING]

I was like, "My man,
I didn't know you was Jamaican, man."

And let me hear some noise
if y'all like reggae music in the house.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I love reggae music.
I grew up on reggae music.

I just got one problem
with reggae music.

Why the reggae artists remake
every fucking song you hear on the radio?

I heard New York, New York
by Frank Sinatra in reggae.

Anybody here ever
hear Kumbayain reggae?

Last Christmas, I heard
Jingle Bellsin reggae.

Jinglefucking Bells.

And the DJ always act like
he made the shit up himself.

DJ come up,

"This one is an original."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"This song dedicated
to the man called Santa.

"Come down selecta."

♪ Come and say
Dashing through the snow on a one man open

♪ Booyaka, booyaka

♪ Come and say
jingle, jingle ♪

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Later. Later. Later.
Later. Later. Later.

My name is Ian Edwards.
Peace, y'all.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Ian Edwards in the house.

Shit. All right,
all right, all right.

Bam!

I'm back.

So I'm goin' ask y'all.

Are y'all ready for
the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn, is he funny?

Hell, yeah. Give yourself
a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And please welcome
to the stage, from Philly, Keith Robinson.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Give it up. Come on, put those
hands together, everybody.

Come on, doggone.
Everybody put their hands together.

I don't want nobody with...
Come on, give me some love in this damn place.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]There we go.

Oh, man. Crazy-ass New York.
Here I am.

From Philadelphia.
New York... I can't stand New York, man.

Especially these
damn terrorists.

Terrorists piss me
the hell off. They're stupid.

I mean, don't get me wrong.
Not because they want to blow up shit,

it's the shit they
want to blow up that's pissing me the hell off.

Right here
they're talking about,

"We're going to blow up
the Holland Tunnel."

"Fuck the Holland tunnel.
Blow up the toll booths, God damn it."

That's what I say.

You gonna blow
some shit up, make sure it's the right stuff, God damn it.

'Cause you know if they
blow up the Holland Tunnel

and you happen
to survive after they dug your ass up,

you're still gonna have to
pay some tolls, man.

"Hey, man, what the hell
you doing?"

Things are...
I hate every damn thing, man. Uncross your arms, man.

He's all crossed like,
"I'm not gonna pay a lot for that muffler."

Cut your arms up.

Loosen the hell up.

We ready to get
this shit on tonight.

America's Most Wanted.
I hate that show.

Did you ever see that show,
America's Most Wanted? It's bullshit.

First of all, it's racist.

Little white kid missing,
any amount of money is good enough.

"One hundred million dollars.
Who's seen Becky?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

A little black kid missing,
it's a different story.

"All right, $50
and a bucket of chicken. Who's seen his ass?

"Oh, come on, God damn it,
who's seen him?

"Come on, get your
chicken, God damn it.

"Chicken and electric slide.
You love that. Come on and get it."

I'm goin' tell y'all
the truth, though.

See, people get
up here and talk about black and white.

There's no real difference
between black and white. We all the damn same.

I mean the different...
The neighborhoods. It's the same damn thing.

Only one major difference.
That's all, man.

And white folks
take it for granted.

Like in a white neighborhood,
you can walk your shopping cart all the way to your car.

And that's the only
difference, God damn it.

Oh shit, come on,
y'all know

in the black neighborhoods
our shopping carts are on chains.

While you're shopping.

"Hey, man.
Can I get some slack, God damn it?

"I'm trying to get
to the frozen food section.

"What the hell is going on?"

See, but what we got
to realize, man,

is black folks,
we're very sensitive. We are.

'Cause everybody
who's come through the black neighborhood

make money except for us.

We made no money.

The Muslims, they tried,
but their shit was too high.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And they would always
give you a history lesson on why it was that damn high.

You can go in and ask
for a simple box of Cap'n Crunch,

they would get upset with you.

"Excuse me.
How much for the box of Cap'n Crunch?"

"Seven-Fifty."

"God damn, $7.50
for Cap'n Crunch?"

"So you don't know the story
of Cap'n Crunch, do you, my brother?

"Do you my brother?

"Cap'n Crunch was a black man
but you wouldn't know that shit, would you, brother?

"'Cause while you was
home picking boogies and flicking 'em,

"Cap'n Crunch was over
in Africa making Crunchberries.

"But you wouldn't know
that shit, would you, brother?

"I'm not finished yet.
They stole him away, sold him over to slavery.

"His real name
was Kunta Krunch,

"but you wouldn't know that
shit, would you, brother?"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Hey, you guys,
it's been great. My name is Keith Robinson. Peace.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

JOE: Keith, God damn right.

I want to give
a shout to my man, Busta Rhymes in the house.

Who the crew you got
with you, man, Method Man?

And your voice
is just like that, man.

For people who don't know,
his voice is actually like that.

[IMITATING BUSTA RHYMES VOICE]

Now, how did you cheat
when you was in class growing up, man?

On a test, how you
be like, "psst,"

[DEEP VOICE]
"What's the answer?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Motherfucker in other
classrooms be like,

"Busta Rhymes
cheating again."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Digable Planets,
how y'all doing?

Get 'em a fucking
round of applause.

Where the girl at, man?

Y'all come out without
that old pretty-ass girl.

Y'all did my school
at homecoming,

Lincoln University
in Missouri. Remember that shit?

I caught y'all, man.

Soiree, I didn't see
you up there. My bad, man.

Soiree and P.M. Dawn
in the house, man.

What's up with y'all?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

I don't know how I missed
your big ass, man.

I don't know how I missed
them and shit.

Cool though, man.
You know they...

Don't it look
like he would come out with just a hard-ass fucking voice.

Make some,
[MUMBLING] like shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right. Are y'all ready
for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn, is he funny?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Sexy-ass girl, too.
Give it up from Camden, New Jersey,

Tasha Smith.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Y'all can give it up again,
God damn it. Give it up!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

And all these fine brothers
up in this motherfucker, give it up for them too. Shit.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

The white boys look okay.

They all right, but I'm just
not fucking none of them motherfuckers, okay.

For real, because I had a
white guy, he had the nerve to ask me

if he could chain me
the fuck up.

Talking 'bout,
"Come on... Come on.

"Come on, please. Come on.

"Just for old time's sake."

Now, you know I said,
"Fuck that.

"Next thing you gonna
be asking me to pick your ass some cotton, right?"

But y'all know if
it was a brother, a black man with a big dick

and he would ask if he could
chain me up, shit, I would have been like,

"Chain me up, motherfucker,

"but you better take it
to the motherfucking bridge."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That's right, 'cause
I ain't getting chained up for nothing. God damn, shit.

Tried that shit
with a Mexican.

I said, "Chain me up
and take whatever the fuck you want."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Closed my eyes and the
motherfucker robbed me.

Woke up, my coochie
was gone and shit.

And, you know, black people,
when we get robbed, we worry about crazy shit.

My uncle got robbed.
Came home, TV's gone, VCR's gone,

he came home talking about,

"God damn it, they took
the fried chicken.

"And Laquita, they took
your weave. God damn."

Now me, being
the weave wearing woman that I am...

Yeah, that's right.
I got a weave

and I'm gonna always
have a weave too.

Fuck that, I need
a weave and a perm.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I ain't lying.
I mean 'cause my shit is short and knotty by nature, okay.

I'm telling you, if it wasn't
for hair weaves, I'd be a member of the skinheads.

And isn't it true
when you have a weave?

You can't even make
love with a weave.

You start making love,
nigger start pulling on your shit,

"Hold up... Hold up...

"Hold up.
Don't fuck with my weave."

One brother got carried away.
Woke up, my shit was on the pillow.

I went and got the needle
and thread and said, "Look, motherfucker,

"you goin' have to put this
shit back in, okay. Don't fuck with my shit."

And let me tell you,
I'm sick of these niggers

that ain't taking care
of their kids.

I mean really.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And I just don't mean
a black man.

I mean any ignorant
motherfucker

that's not taking care
of his God damn kids.

Take care of these kids,
respect these women.

I'm saying because they
don't respect us sometimes.

I mean, you can have
a kid by a nigger, right,

and you can be fucking
with him for five years

and have five kids,
and you ain't shit

but his baby's mother.

You know what I'm saying?

I mean, because
it would be fucked up

if shit would just change
around on y'all's asses.

It would have been fucked up
if Adam would have fucked

with that apple instead
of Eve's stupid ass, okay.

It would be fucked up
if we could do the same shit to y'all

that y'all do to us
like fuck you, get you pregnant,

them leave your asses, okay.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I mean, really.
Could you imagine if we just fuck you, get you pregnant,

and then leave your ass,
then you be calling us up like a bitch.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Just like a bitch.

Talking about, "Yo, Tasha."

"Yeah, what's up, nigger?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I'm pregnant."
"What, nigger? Didn't you say you was on the pill?

"Oh no, it ain't mine, nigger.
What? You just want my money, nigger?"

Change that shit around
because then you'll be with your new man,

just chillin' at the club.

He'll come and talk
about, "Tasha."

"Yeah, what's up, nigger?"

"We need money for Pampers.

"This welfare's
not supporting us."

And then your new man
he be like, "Who that nigger?"

"Oh, that nigger?
Oh, that's my baby's father."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Change that shit around.
I'm out. Peace.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

About to do the dick dance.
Tasha, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

It's goin' be done now.
Let's go.

Y'all ready
for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn, is he funny?

Hell, yeah.
Y'all seen him in a lot of fucking movies.

This motherfucker's
blowing up, blowing up, blowing up.

Originally from DC.,
live in New York, live in LA., everywhere.

This motherfucker's bad.

Give it up for my boy,
Dave Chappelle.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Hey. Damn, man.
Back on the jam again.

What's up, y'all? Feel good?

I feel delicious tonight.
Man, check this out.

I was counting my money today

and then all of a sudden...
You ever do this, fellas,

where you count money,
you feel good,

and you just want to call up
an old girlfriend just to gloat and shit.

I called one of my girls.
I got all nervous in my stomach

just like I used to
when I called. I wasn't scared of her.

Uh-uh.

It's her punk-ass mother.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Every time I call the house
her mother answer the phone.

Mean as shit. "Hello!"

I put on my best phone
manners. "Hi. How are you?

"May I speak
to Shirley, please?"

"Who dis?"

"Oh, this is David Chappelle."

"Hold on, motherfucker."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Shirley! Telephone,
you little slut. What? Oh, hello."

"Yes?"

"Shirley's taking a shit.
She'll call you back."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, my goodness.
There are four white people in the audience tonight.

I've never seen
so many white... Hey, how y'all doing?

I know y'all might feel
uncomfortable right now

because you're the only
white people here,

but you're not in any dan...
Hey, look.

[MUMBLING IN FAKE
AFRICAN LANGUAGE]

It's all right.
They know you're with me so ain't gonna fuck...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Racist remarks, worst.

I don't feel uncomfortable
being a minority.

That's like a small, small
taste of what it's like to be a black...

Like, I know you been
here tonight just tripping.

Like, "Damn, they keep calling
each other nigger. Wow."

Obviously... Why do
black people call each other nigger?

Let me ask black people.
How many black people in this audience tonight

would be angry if they were
called a nigger by anyone other than a black person?

By round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

See, I used to be
just like y'all.

I used to get mad, but let me
ask you a question.

Who decided the word nigger
would make black people mad for the rest of history?

How did they
come up with that?

Did they have like
a big meeting back in the 1600s?

"Order! Order!

"We need to figure out a name

"to call those black people
we found over there in Africa.

"The floor is now open
for suggestions."

"Bubba."

"Why don't we
call 'em wieners?"

"Wieners... Wieners.
I don't know."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Why don't you use it
in a sentence for me?"

"All right."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Get off my God damn
porch, you wiener."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"No, I'm sorry.
I don't like it.

"Remember, gentlemen,
they have those big penises.

"We don't want
to flatter them. We're trying to offend them.

"Keep it derogatory.

"Ezekiel."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ezekiel get it on.

"Why don't we call them
no-gooders?"

"No-gooders. No-gooders.
Let me... Let me try,

"Get off my porch,
you no-gooder."

"I'm sorry.

"Doesn't quite flow
off my tongue correctly."

[MUMBLING]

"Tell me the syllables.

"Ah, Ebenezer."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ebenezer had them,

"Why don't we call 'em
niggers for short?"

The whole meeting went crazy.

"Niggers." "Niggers."
"Niggers." "Niggers." "Order! Order!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Let me try it out in
a sentence first.

"Get off my porch,

"you nigger!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Sounds beautiful."

"Oh, the possibilities!

"Up against the wall, nigger."

"Pick that cotton, nigger."

"This cab don't go
to Harlem 'cause we don't trust niggers."

Some deep shit, right?

But I mean, like,
people always think racism is one-sided,

but some people have
like little racist attitudes towards white people, too.

I know, man.
I'm gonna tell you the truth. When I was little,

I used to think all
white people were happy just to be white.

I thought y'all sit around,

"Fucking-A, I'm white."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"This feels great.

"Taxi! Just checking."

Boom! Good night.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Dave Chappelle.

Shit, give him another
round of applause.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Y'all have a good time
listening to us niggers?

That motherfucker.
Oh, clever-ass, funny-ass shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And bring up the head nigger
in charge who pay the bills.

Say something different, man.

Want to say
something different?Yeah.

Thanks for coming out.
God bless. Goodnight.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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