All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s04e06.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI:
It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for my main man, Mr. Joe Torry.

That's it!

Shit! Y'all came up
for laughs, let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah!All right, then.

Kid, we gonna rock
this motherfucker?

Indeed, brother man.

Give Kid a round
of applause.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Baddest DJ
in the goddamn land.

Just mixin' and doin'
all the shit with your fingers, man.

You are truly blessed.

Fuck, I used
to do that shit.

I broke my finger doin'
that shit one time.

Cheap-ass goddamn turntable.

Shit, we gonna have fun
in this motherfucker.

Fun, as I'm happy and shit.

Happy as a motherfucker
'cause I just got my own shit back.

My own crib, you know
what I'm sayin'?

I kicked my little brother
out the motherfucker.

'Cause everybody know
they got an old, worthless-ass relative

they don't like to fuck with.

And this motherfucker
be wearin' my shit, you know what I'm saying?

When I'm out of town?

Stay on the road
a lot and then try to clean my shit

and put it back in the closet

before I get back.

But he's stupid 'cause he's
left-handed and put my shit back, you know, this way.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I'm like, "Motherfucker,
you ain't foolin' me!"

That's why
there ain't nothin'...

When you got your own shit,
there ain't nothin' like it now,

so you can do
what the fuck you want to.

Am I bullshittin'?
When you got your own shit...

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

...can't nobody
tell you shit.

You can do anything
you want to.

You can thump a book
on the motherfuckin' wall, pow!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Walkin' around naked.
Use the hot water, cold water,

play the radio,
any-fuckin'-thing you want to.

You ain't gotta worry
about nobody telling you shit 'cause it's your crib.

Walkin' around
just butt-naked.

Ain't gotta worry about
nobody arguin' with your ass,

'cause you're arguin'
with your damn self.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Be like, "Joe, who ate up
all the damn food?

"You did,
you stupid motherfucker."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ain't gotta worry about
nobody beggin' you for no goddamn money.

You can beg from
your damn self.

I do it all the time.
I'd be like, "Joe, loan me five dollars."

And there you go.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

You gotta worry about
paying myself back. Shit!

And they... I know
everybody here, because I had my class reunion,

like, you know,
last year and shit.

You know what I'm sayin'?
You know, 10-year class reunion?

Go to your class reunion.

Go to your goddamn
class reunion.

You never even go
to that shit,

so you know how
it'll be 10 years later.

I went to my class reunion,
it was fucked up.

Half of the people
ain't even come.

I'm like,
"Ain't this a bitch?"

They up there talkin' about,
"We don't know it was the class reunion."

Fuckin' 10 years.

'83, '93. What the fuck?
You can't count this shit?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Then they come up
with this shit, "We ain't had the money."

Fuck you ain't had
the money.

It costs $50, y'all. $50.

Fifty goddamn dollars took
care of the whole weekend.

The shit...
Party on Friday night.

Gettin' to know
a motherfucker.

The banquet dance, dinner,
all you can do. Shit, Saturday

and then the picnic
Sunday. $50.

Ten years...

...and you ain't got $50.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's five dollars
a goddamn year.

What the fuck is you doin'?

Some motherfuckers
still stay at home with Mama.

And I could see
if Mama was sick,

but Mama's sick
of your ass.

Get the fuck out the house.

Goddamn!

This shit is
a motherfuckin' trip.

Goddamn, what the fuck
is goin' on right here?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Goddamn. What the fuck?
Is y'all in a gang or somethin'?

What's that?
The Buffalo Gang? What's on it?

Wassup? Is that real shit?

MAN: Yeah.

Shit, give me a shout-out.
What's your name, man?

I want to give y'all
a shout if y'all cool. What's that?

That's Bud, I'm Tangy.

JOE: That's Bud and Tangy.

I'm Tangy. I'm Tangy.You Tangy?

Tangy.MAN: I'm Buttwheat.

You Buckwheat?

Buttwheat.JOE: Buttwheat.

Buttwheat.

Buttwheat.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Tawolata.

I ain't... What?

They told us
we was goin' to eat.

You was gonna eat?Yeah.

What the fuck
you gonna eat? Us?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND LAUGHING]

Where the fuck
you get some food at a comedy show from?

When you gonna eat?
Motherfucker, you know you got a pizza

in your back pocket
right now.

I help... I help your ass
out after the show, all right?

Don't you get tired
of eating, man?

Not today.Not today? You either.

Who's this motherfucker?
That bodyguard?

That's my bodyguard.
Baby Face Buggs.

[JOE LAUGHS]

Motherfucker ain't got
no goddamn baby face. It's like an old ass man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Some baby face. Y'all do
anything for attention, won't you?

Goddamn!

Y'all got a bench
back there in that row or just seats and shit?

Y'all motherfuckers
fuckin' them chairs up, man.

Gonna charge y'all
a weight fee in this motherfucker.

Calm down, man, don't fuck up
the cameras and shit, man, all right?

Goddamn!

Chup, chup, chup,
chup, chup, chup.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Y'all in my crowd
and y'all my posse tonight, all right?

All right now, man.
Yeah, I don't want y'all to participate,

'cause I do some shit,

you know,
before I start the show. Some different shit now.

Y'all gotta be with me.

If they get out of line,
y'all help me, all right? Y'all fuck 'em up.

Here we go.

Are y'all ready
for the next comedian?

ALL: Yeah. Is he funny?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hell, yeah!
Back to do it again, from Detroit,

give it up for Tommy Chunn!

[CHEERING]

Yeah! Keep it goin'!
Wassup?

Y'all all right?AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Yeah, you know this.

Hell, man.
That's great, man.

I'm glad to be here, y'all.
I like being a comedian in the '90s, you know?

You know why?
'Cause I work for myself.

'Cause I hate workin'
for other people 'cause I'm an entrepreneur, you know.

'Cause we work
for other people that have crazy rules.

They got this one rule called
"two weeks' notice." Y'all heard of that shit?

That's some bullshit,
ain't it?

'Cause if you quit the job,
you obviously don't give a fuck no more.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's like,
"Yeah, this time I quit.

"No, no, no.
I ain't comin' in."

"Well, you know you owe us
that two weeks' notice?"

"Well, how about
you notice I'm not at that motherfucker...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"...for two weeks?"

"I don't think
he's coming in.

"He's not here yet.

"It's already Wednesday.
Where is the guy?

"Where is he?"

And I like comedy
'cause when you're a comedian, you know,

you meet fine ladies,
you know?

'Cause women like you
when you funny. You know what I'm sayin'?

You know, 'cause you ain't
gotta be that good lookin',

and you don't.

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]

No, no, no. You ain't gotta
have a lot of money, you know, just be funny, right.

Shit, I keep the women
laughin' from the club all the way to my house.

They be like,
"Tommy, you so crazy!

"You so funny.

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

"You funny...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Write some new shit.
Do an ad lib.

"Hit a punchline.
You gonna be big one day.

"Shit, you big now.

"Do some shit.

"Ad lib."

'Cause I had a woman say
some shit to me one time

I never heard
in my whole life, y'all.

She made me feel like
a little kid, man.

We was throwin' down, right?

I had my rhythm goin'
and you know how you,

when you fuckin', you gotta
have your mood music, you know what I'm sayin'?

You know you gotta
have your... I had on some old Marvin Gaye,

some Otis Redding,
threw on some Jodeci, fuck it.

I even put on some
Garth Brooks, yo.

'Cause how do you fuck
to country music?

What's the rhythm on that?
You be like...

[IMITATING COUNTRY MUSIC]

I just started
square-dancing on the pussy.

I'm like...
[IMITATING COUNTRY MUSIC]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'm puttin' the achy-breaky
on that motherfucker.

So check it out.

So I'm throwin' down,
you know, I'm workin' it.

And she says
some shit to me I never heard in my life.

She said, "Go ahead, Tommy.
That's right.

"Wash the dishes,
cut the grass, rake the leaves,

"clean the whole damn house!"

Next thing I knew
I was outside naked with a bucket and a squeegee.

I'm cuttin' the grass.

Trimmin' the hedges and shit,

tuck-pointin' the bricks
on the house.

She goin', "No, fool!
Back in the house! Back in the house!"

So I jumped back on,
you know I did.

Now she started cryin'.
Do you ever have them start cryin'?

Probably not.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But that's all right.

I said, "What's wrong?"
She's like, [SOBBING] "No, no, no."

I said, "What's wrong?
Am I hurtin' you?"

She said, "No, it's not that
you're hurtin' me,

"it's just that
you're fucking me.

"Don't fuck me.
Make love to me."

I said, "Huh?"

[PANTING]

I said, "Make love.
Okay, make love." So I start doin' circles.

I said, "Is this love?

"Is that love?"
She said, "No." I said, "Is that love?

"Is that love?
That ain't love?" I said, "Fuck it.

"Is that love?
Is that love?"

She said, "No." I said,
"Damn it. Is that love?

"That ain't love?"
I said, "Fuck.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"That ain't love?"
I said, "Damn it."

[AUDIENCE SCREAMING]And she said,
"That's love."

Thank you very much.
I'm Tommy Chunn.

Peace out!

[CHEERING]

Tommy Chunn in the house!

Tommy Chunn in the house!

Pass that back to them
motherfuckers, man!

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Pass that shit back!

I got some good shit.

Them fruit is gonna
wash all that fat out, y'all, all right?

Fuck 'em.
Y'all with me now.

Motherfucker,
take the peel off. Don't eat the whole banana.

Goddamn!

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

Goddamn!

Where the sausage?

He want to know
where the sausage at.

Pull one
of your fingers off.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

Don't talk
with your mouth full, now.

Want some water? Okay.
Comin' on the way.

Got some water
comin' on the way.

BUTTWHEAT: Juice.Juice?

Yeah.JOE: Diet juice?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What about
a glass of SlimFast?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Couple of diet cherries?

[INDISTINCT]

Okay, okay, okay.
Got you covered. Got you covered.

[ROLLS TONGUE]
Got you covered.

Y'all still with me.

This guy is originally from
Chicago, Illinois,

but he now lives
in Atlanta, Georgia.

Give it up for
Don "DC" Curry!

[CHEERING]

What's happenin', y'all?

I'm 35 and I'm regular.

I talk about regular stuff.

I'm from the regular days.

Back when your mama
had all of your living room furniture

covered with that
hard-ass plastic.

You sit down, it be pokin' you
in the thigh and snaggin'

your polyester bell bottoms.

Back in the days of
shag carpet about this tall,

you had to step over in it.

Patent leather loafers
and knitted armrests.

Crushed velvet curtains.

Back in the days
when your mama had a dining room table

weigh about 5,000 damn pounds.

She was determined
wasn't nobody gonna scratch it or nothing,

had it covered up
with eight or nine covers,

a sheet of plastic cover,

four or five table cloths
and that country-ass lace cover on the top of that?

Oh, the fan used to try
to blow the lace cover off,

but that big-ass punch bowl
used to hold it down.

That punch bowl
with about 200 little cups going around the edge of it.

Back in the days when
you had carpet on the walls.

Big wooden fork and spoons.

I thought we had it goin' on.

[APPLAUSE]

I didn't know we was poor.

Mama camouflaged it.

Hell, I thought it was
artwork hanging all over the house.

I was grown before
I realized it wasn't nothing but some souvenir plates.

Mama done went
to flea markets

and bought plates
other folks didn't want.

Still had writings on them,

"See Spain. See Italy."

We ain't been outside
the state line.

Had a china closet
like middle class folk

and never could afford
no china.

China closet
just full of stolen salt and pepper shakers.

Wherever we happen to go,
Mama steal a salt and pepper shaker.

Just drop 'em in her purse.

They still had little names
on them, "the Waffle House,"

"the Pancake House,"

"Macedonia Baptist Church."
She didn't give a damn.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The Jones family reunion.
Our name was Curry.

Here's the thing that matters,

these raggedy cars
on the highway.

Oh, you can't hardly
go nowhere on the highway now.

You ever been on
the highway just ridin',

here come a raggedy car
behind you with one headlight?

You think it's a motorcycle
until it get up on the side of you.

Be runnin' about 100 miles
an hour with the car shaken, he tremblin'.

Then he pull over in front
of you and slow down.

Oh, I'd like to just
set his ass on fire.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Usually a Cadillac,
about a '68, '69 model,

be smokin' like
he's sellin' barbecue?

He be leanin' one way,
the car be leanin' the other way.

Be a photo Cadillac
with three tinted windows?

Three hubcaps missing.

A rear spare tire
on the back of the trunk with a hubcap on it.

Windshield wipers
just screechin' like hell

'cause there ain't
no rubber on the blade?

A coat hanger in the hole
where the antenna ought to damn be?

Big dirty baby shoes
danglin' from the mirror.

Big country fur dice
glued to the dashboard.

Raggedy-ass vinyl top
hanging off just wavin' at you.

[BLOWS]

Be a pair of drawers
in the gas tank where the gas cap ought to be?

Then there's a cardboard sign
in the back window talkin' about stolen tags. Right.

You know ain't nobody
stole nothin' off this piece of shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If they did,
they just stole it back.

Every time I go through
a drive-through I get behind that raggedy car.

Two or three cars
in front of him.

He'll turn his car off
trying to save gas

'cause of the line
moving too slow.

Ten seconds later,
the line move and he can't get that

raggedy car cranked.

Folks behind me blowin'.
I can't damn move.

He'll ask me do I have
some jumper cables.

"You got
the raggedy-ass car!

"Think I just ride around
to give you a jump?"

I said, "Jump in
between these cars.

"Let me smash
your silly ass!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If you got a raggedy car...

I'm Don Curry,
y'all people.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL CHEERING]

Right on, motherfuckers.
"DC" Don Curry, y'all. Give it up for him, now.

Hell, yeah!

All right!
So are y'all ready?

And it's a she,
so y'all gotta say "she" now.

Are y'all ready
for the next comedienne?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!
Is she funny?

From Houston, Texas,
sexy as hell, Montanna Taylor.

Wassup, New York?

Damn it, I came a long way.
You gotta be louder than that.

Wassup, New York?

AUDIENCE: Wassup?All right!

Ladies, the men always
come out here

and say, "Let's give it up
for the ladies." So, ladies,

let's give it up
for the men in the house.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Joe Torry and Kid Capri,
give it up for 'em!

See, 'cause I'm lookin'
for me a man,

'cause before I left Texas,
my boyfriend broke up with me

and it took him
two weeks to do it.

Not that he didn't
have the courage,

it's just that he
stutters and it took him two weeks to do it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He said,
"I found me [STUTTERING]

"another girlfriend
and she look... She look better than you."

And he wasn't lying.
I saw him at a party and his girl was gorgeous.

I said, "Damn. What she see
in his stutterin' ass?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "Oh, well,
you two have a nice time."

I said, "Miss, it was
nice meetin' you. What was your name?"

She said,
[STUTTERING] "Mmm..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Single woman. I still live
with my grandmother

'cause I don't make
enough money to live on my own,

but every time
I save up enough money to move,

she try to scare me
talkin' about if somebody break in on me,

she ain't goin' to be
there to protect me.

Please.
My grandmother is 87,

to the second power.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If somebody broke in
on me now,

I can just see her tryin'
to rescue me.

I'd be like,
"Grandma, help! Somebody chokin' me!"

"Okay, baby.
Mama comin'. Hmm.

"Let me get the gun.
Lord, ain't no bullets in this gun. Mmm-hmm.

"Okay, I'm coming.
You leave my grandbaby alone 'for I...

"Lord, I still got on
my night clothes.

"Can't let the man
see me like this."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Where my single ladies at?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Oh, that's all?

All the rest
of you cows got men?

Where they at?

I tell you where they at.
They at home like this,

"Oh, she went
to the Def Jam,baby.

"We got plenty
of time, shit."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But, single ladies,
don't you hate the guys that ask you for sex

just because
they do nice things for you? Doesn't that piss you off?

WOMEN: Yeah!You know,
the type of guys,

"Huh. If I come over there
and help you move your furniture,

"what you gonna give me?

"If I come over there
and fix your VCR,

"what you gonna give me?"

Men, don't do that.

Don't ask a woman for sex
just because you do something nice for her.

We not gonna give it
to you, right, ladies?

But we might give you
a coochie coupon.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You don't believe me?
Go up to your girl in the mornin' and say,

"Hey, babe. I went ahead
and paid your rent for you. Don't worry about it."

Shoot. Coochie coupon.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ain't no
expiration date on it.

I had a man so good to me,
I gave his ass a coochie credit card.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But I had to take it
back though 'cause his ass was married.

That's another thing,
them married men sneak up on you.

I met his ass
in a nightclub.

That's why
I don't go no more,

because I think
they have the concept mixed up.

Instead of stamping
your hand,

I think they should stamp
men's foreheads so single ladies would know

what the hell was going on.

I'm serious.
They could stamp married.

Cheap.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Gay like a motherfucker.

Montanna Taylor.
You guys have been great. Thank you.

Montanna Taylor, y'all.

[CHUCKLES]

Only on Def Jam.

So, here we go.

We gonna crank
this motherfucker up another notch.

Y'all ready? Y'all ready?
This guy coming to the stage,

he was, like, on the tour,
on the Def Jamtour that we did on the road.

Fuckin' the houses up.
I'm tellin' y'all.

Please give it up.
Back for, like, the third time,

from Detroit,
"Downtown" Tony Brown.

[CHEERING]

Shoot.

How y'all doin'?

All right.
Good lookin' audience.

And I gotta tell you,
I'm glad to be here in New York,

but it's colder than
a motherfucker though.

God damn it.
I'm so tired of cold weather,

I don't know what to do.

See, white folks
love cold weather.

That's why
there's such shit as skiing and ice skatin'.

Had it been
up to a black man,

wouldn't be no
such thing as skiing.

Could you imagine him trying
to convince some old brothers to try that shit out?

"Hey, man, you know
what you can do?

"You... You could put
some woods on your feet

"and then you can
slide on down that hill."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They'd have been like,
"Motherfucker, it's colder than a motherfucker.

"Get that shit off
your feet and let's go."

Never would have happened.
Never would have fuckin' happened.

Boy, I tell ya,
life's a bitch.

And I'm lookin' at the news.

That lady, they say
she was crazy so they gonna put her in the crazy house.

You know the one.
Lorena Bobbitt.

See, I hope this shit
don't catch on. See?

'Cause I know there's
some ladies in here now

with a motherfuckin'
knife on them.

See? And we don't
need this pressure.

God damn it.
Ain't that a bitch, man?

Wake up in the mornin',
go to the bathroom,

he ain't got a damn thing.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He peein' all
on the ceiling and shit.

[WHIZZING]

He lookin' under the bed.
"Oh, Lord. Where my thing at?

"Where... Where my thing at?
Oh, Jesus."

This heifer out
in the street speedin'...

[IMITATES ENGINE REVVING]

...and throwin' it
out the window.

Whoa!

Didn't give a damn
where it hit.

Motherfucker roll right in
the gravels and shit.

But can you imagine
the police when they got that call?

You know, they ridin',
you know,

nerves fucked up
worryin' about a shootout, shit like that.

All of a sudden,
they come over the radio,

"Car one eleven,
we want you to proceed down on the freeway.

"See if you can
locate a dick."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Motherfucker say what?
What he say?

"Check that, man.
Ask him what he said."

"Uh, this is car one eleven.
Sir, can you repeat that?"

"I said, uh, to proceed
down on the freeway

"and see if you can
locate a dick."

"Oh, a dick. Okay.

"Uh, sir, is that
a big dick or a little dick?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"All right. All right.
Over and out."

Then they get down there,
man, they madder than a motherfucker.

"Ain't this a bitch?"
They kickin' leaves and shit.

"Fuck a goddamn dick.
How the fuck we gonna...

"What the fuck
is happenin' to us?

"Oh, shit!
There it is. There it is.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Go on, pick it up, Fred."

"You in charge,
ain't you?

"Well, pick it up,
God damn it."

"All right. Fuck it then.
I'll pick it up. Shit.

"Give me that
potato chip bag. Fuck it.

"Give me that,
God damn it.

"I'll get that
motherfucker, shit.

"Son of a bitch.
You know I ain't fuck...

"Ah!"

"Don't play!
I'll shoot you, motherfucker.

"Don't put that
motherfucker on me."

That shit wild.

Ain't that a bitch?

You know, I think it's only
right now, you know, just to even shit up,

that some fella somewhere,
you know,

go on and cut off
one of them titties or something.

You know,
that's just to make shit even, you know.

Show 'em out in the streets,
wingin' it. Whoo, whoo, whoo. Whoo, whoo, whoo.

Soon as some people
get close, throw it in a tree. Whoo!

Go get it, God damn it!

Ain't that a bitch?
And speakin' of titties,

you know, there's a lot
of phony titties out here.

As we speak,
there's some phony titties in the room.

You think I'm bullshittin'?

Dow Chemical was makin'
titties by the truckloads.

You heard what I said,
by the truckloads!

Titties
every-motherfuckin'-where.

Whole factory
full of titties.

But see, they hadn't tested
the titties properly,

so therefore a lot
of titties was explodin'.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You heard what I said.
Leakin', shit like that.

Oh, ain't that a bitch?

You never know what you got
till you bite down on it.

Oh!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yep. You know
what I'm sayin'. Ain't that a bitch?

You fuckin' around there
and get too rough with your woman

and tear both of them off.

Just... Whoo-whoo.

"I didn't mean
to do that, baby."

She cryin',
"Motherfucker... Oh!

"Give me
my goddamn titties."

Oh, y'all been great, folks.
Thank you very much.

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

[CHEERING]

Tony "Titty" Brown.

Cut a titty off.

So, thank y'all for comin' out
and kickin' it with us again.

Me, the Kid and everybody.

The man who pay the bills,
head nigga in charge,

Russell Simmons.
You gotta say something different, man.

Come on, please?

Something different.

Thank y'all for comin' out.
God bless you. Good night.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

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