All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s03e12.eng

[MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI:
It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Martin Lawrence!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

What can I say?

You guys have
made this possible.

I thank you from
the bottom of my heart, you know.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Please continue to support
all these young black comics because they are you.

Please, continue to do that.

I'd like to say what's up
to some people before we get started with the show.

Forest Whitaker in the house.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

What's up, man?

It's a pleasure for me
to meet you, man,

'cause I ain't get
to meet you, but you're a bad motherfucker.

And you know it, man.

But I heard you get
into roles and shit,

when you get into your
shit you won't be bothered with nobody.

But you a bad mothafucker.
I'd like to...

For you guys to give
a round of applause to Run-DMC.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Album about to drop.

Yo...

You boys started all
the whole rap shit, man,

in my opinion, as far
as bringing this shit to where it is today.

And you deserve it.

[APPLAUDING]

I'd also like to thank
the lady from the Apollo

for bringing
her ass down here.

[APPLAUDING]

Now sit your little
leopard-ass down.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You... I'll give it
to you though, baby.

I got to love you because
you don't give a fuck,

you'll support everybody
come out there like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm sure Apollo sure
don't go by that you ain't sucked somebody dick.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm just... I'm just playing.

[LAUGHS] All right.

No, I'm just messing
with you, sit down, baby.

[LAUGHS] I love you, baby.

And you sitting next to
Patti LaBelle little brother.

[LAUGHING]

You two motherfuckers
together was destined to get attention, boy.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right, all right.

So, yo, we going to get
this thing started.

Without further ado,
coming to the stage from Chicago,

this is my man,
I had the opportunity

to work with him
back in the day. And brother's come here.

Give it up for my man,
T.J. McGee

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

What up, y'all?

All right, yeah,
you're one of them OG freaks, huh?

Just got to show
your shit, don't you?

That's all right, baby.
That's the...

See, that right there,
tell you,

you can be anything
you want in America.

She be famous,
ain't did a God damn thing.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But the girl, man,
siting with... Boy, where'd you get that hair?

Made your own
Super Bowl, huh?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Nigga get... [LAUGHS]
Nigga got a padded bowl.

Eh!

Got some shit
changing, y'all.

Got Clinton in the office.
That motherfucker...

Clinton putting
a lot of niggas in the White House, ain't he?

That motherfucker
filling that mother...

It ain't the White House
no more, it's like the house of colors.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Filling that motherfucker up.

But I... That one
issue, that...

Motherfuckers, the gays
in the army, I don't know too much about.

See I'm kind of torn
'cause I say, "Yeah, let the motherfuckers go."

You know what I'm saying?
Because, you know,

hey, you know,
that can be our front line.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shit, that would take care
of two birds with one stone, God damn it.

I'm saying, make them
motherfuckers like...

Give them a special
interest, call them like,

the "Rump Rangers"
or some shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Say, give a new meaning
to bringing up the rear.

[LAUGHING]AUDIENCE: Boo!

Eh, oh, got a couple
of gays in here now, they upset.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, shit, this shit
might work, y'all.

Have motherfuckin'...
Give them some generals and shit.

Like Richard Simmons
and Little Richard,

let them motherfuckers
lead them motherfuckas.

Richard be like,
"Come on, babies, we runnin' for the border!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Dumbasses. I hope
everybody got a chance to go see Malcolm X.

Y'all went down there?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Matter of fact,
for Black History Month,

they should run that
motherfucker consecutively.

I'm talkin' about Malcolm X,
Shaka Zuluand motherfuckin' Roots.

Get you motherfuckers
fired up!

That'd be the shit,
God damn you.

Yeah 'cause Malcolm,
you know I liked it because Malcolm... It...

Malcolm embraced
the dictionary.

You know everybody, you know,
you read the part,

"Malcolm embraced
the dictionary,"

'cause what it is is
basically the white man's language, right?

Because we talk what?
Street language.

We, you know, so we can
communicate to our peers.

If you think about it,
that's why motherfuckers in jail today.

Niggas don't know what
they locked up for.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They go down and say,
"What's up, Your Honor? Why you got me down here?"

"Well, you've been charged
with three counts of involuntary manslaughter,

"plus six counts
of statutory rape." [SCOFFS]

"Now, first of all,
I ain't volunteer for shit, motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Motherfucker brought my ass
down here, Your Honor.

"And I ain't rape no
motherfuckin' statues."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Hey, T-Bone, nigga talkin'
about rapin' statues, man.

"What's up with that shit?"

Gotta learn that language,
y'all, gotta learn that language.

One issue I did thought
that was pretty nice,

I thought they could have,
that's safe sex.

Yeah brother, we gotta take
care of that safe... Right?

Everybody into safe sex?
Hell yeah![AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hell yeah!

And I don't fuck around,
at least two rubbers and some duct tape, God damn it.

I ain't... Hold up, bitch,
fuck that shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, because I'm hearin'
them motherfuckers talking about...

Y'all gotta... We love...

When you find
that special woman, you know you gotta go down.

Y'all know it.
Gotta go down,

'cause that's the key
of keepin' a motherfucker at home, God damn it.

All right, fellas, listen up.

Ladies, I'm tellin'
you, fellas actually love to go down on you.

Matter of fact, they'd be
down here on you right now,

if he wasn't here
listening to some jokes.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But all you gotta do is
one thing, though. Wash.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We get past that smell,
we got everything damn well licked, God damn it.

I like to hear women
give it up, boy, y'all...

When women have an orgasm,
they clap their hands, stomp their feet,

tell their mama they did it,
get on the phone,

reach out and touch somebody.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Especially black women,
they go off when they get

a good orgasm going,
don't they?

Black women get the...
[SHUDDERS]

"You didn't have no
vibrators, motherfucker?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's cold, boy.

I had a one girl,
I ain't know what the fuck happened to her,

she turned into
the Joker on my ass,

she's sittin' there.
[LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I'm sitting there like,
"Wait till you get a load of me."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But, ladies, what goes around,
comes around, God damn it.

Don't expect us to go down
on y'all, unless you go down on us.

I'm serious about that shit.

'Cause here, y'all, you
gotta take care of your...

That is the secret of
keepin' a man at home.

Serious! Because you know
what your favorite record is.

You know what your
favorite record is.

Love should have brought
you home last night.

Yeah, but a blowjob
kept his ass up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You gotta...
Gotta suck that dick. Suck it!

Put it in your mouth,
let him work for it,

let the motherfucker
know he's yours.

Suck it so good
that motherfucker go home, cook you something to eat.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]"Meet me in the kitchen."

"You want some
biscuits, baby?"

Suck it!

I ain't talkin' about
no regular sucking,

I'm talkin' about you
got to suck it till that motherfucker cry.

I ain't talkin' about
no regular cryin', too,

I'm talkin' about...
Take that nigga back to three years old.

One of them motherfuckin'...
He starts like... [CRYING]

He can't say shit,
he just look...

He just point at
his wallet and shit.

[CRYING]

[LAUGHING]

I want to give a
shout-out to my posse,

HBO comes direct in '93.

This motherfucker should be
an hour, not a half an hour.

I'm T.J., I'm out
of here, y'all.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

T.J. McGee. One more
round of applause. Way to go, boy.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

All right.

I'd like you guys to give
somebody a round of applause.

A lot of people don't
realize on the show,

a person who goes
out and does a lot of the leg work

and the road work to find
a lot of this young talent.

Give my man, Bob Sumner,
a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And we love you, Bob!

All right. [LAUGHS]

Comin' to the stage
from Baltimore, Maryland, what's up, Baltimore?

Now livin' in
Los Angeles, California,

please give it up
for the Miss Lady, Cathy Melton.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

What's up, New York?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

In the house!

It's some crazy
stuff goin' on.

I swear, these days,
you gotta walk around

like you done already
kicked your own ass.

Just so you don't
get your ass whooped.

When I go somewhere,
I'll be walkin' like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm tellin' you. They crazy.

That's why, ladies,
ladies, you ever call your man house,

and a girl answer the phone?

Talking about some...

[MOANING]

"Oh, he can't come
to the phone right now, he's busy."

I went to the nigga house.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Knocked on the door.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The girl come down,
"Come in."

Oh, I'm comin' in.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She locked the door
about 15 times,

pulled out this long
baseball bat,

squat down in the home run
position and looked at me.

"Now, I want to know
what you doin' in my house."

I'm like, "Damn, I ain't
got nothin' to kill this girl with.

"So I'm... I come
to talk to Jimmy."

She be like, "No, baby,
you goin' talk to me."

I said, "Bitch, if you
hit me with that bat, you better kill me,

"'cause if you don't,
I'm gonna whup you

"like you was in my
house talkin' shit."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So when I came to...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The nurse was checkin' me out.

My eye was hangin'
all over here.

The nurse gonna ask me
somethin' stupid like,

"Do you know why
you're here?"

I'm like, "Yeah,
I whooped that bitch ass."

She was like, "Well,
we runnin' a test on your right eye,

"'cause we don't know
where your left one is."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But ain't no ass whuppin'
like the one Rodney King had, I'mma tell you.

I bet Rodney be 99 years old,
talkin' to his grandkids.

"Now, I can tell you somethin'
about an ass whoopin'.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Back in 19...

"Baby, what year was it
that I got my ass whooped?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now, see, they thought
Rodney was on drugs.

He wasn't on drugs.

It's just that when
you're driving 100 miles an hour in a Hyundai,

you just look
like you on drugs.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I still say they should
legalize marijuana. Hey, y'all with me?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

'Cause that ain't
never hurt nobody.

It just make you stupid.

You smoke too much,
you forget you stupid.

Be tryin' to read,

"See... Spot...Jane...

"What is this book
tryin' to tell me?

"This too hard."

I remember when
I first tried marijuana, I was in the ninth grade,

tryin' to hang out
with the 12th graders.

They was like,
"Girl, you smoke weed?"

I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah"

but I was lyin', right?
So I was like...

[INHALES][GAGGING]

[EXHALES]

[INHALES]

"Yeah, it's good, it's good."

They was like,
"Baby, it ain't lit."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm tellin' you.

But it is crazy out there,
y'all, I'm tellin' ya,

but you gotta be careful
when you're out there flirtin'.

I'mma tell you,
'cause looks can be deceiving.

I mean, you been hooked
up with one of the ones that won't stop blushing?

And you can't get rid
of them, be like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I went to the dentist
like that,

nobody wanted to wait on me.
I was just sittin' there.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Little kids was
lookin' at me like,

"Dang, Mama, I don't
want no more candy."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The dentist came out,
"We closed."

Thank you very much,
I'm Cathy Melton.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

All right. Now,
welcome to the stage,

coming to you from
Los Angeles, California,

please welcome Doug Starks.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hey.AUDIENCE: Hey.

I've decided this year
is going to be my year to make money.

I'm tired of being
broke, anybody else?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I'm tellin' you, man.
My money just talks to me.

It says things like, "See ya![AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Wouldn't want to be ya."

And I see where some
people make so much money, like boxers.

I read where Holyfield
was offered $30 million to fight Mike Tyson

before he got put in jail,
$30 million for one fight.

If you budget, you could
live off that kind of money.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But who wouldn't you
fight for $30 million?

For $12.5, I'd kick
my mama's ass.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm sorry, but I'd
wear her out, man.

'Cause you know
if you give her half, she gonna forgive you.

You could body slam her,
right there in the ring,

she like, "That's okay,
baby, we gettin' paid."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm married. My wife
wants to have kids, and that takes money.

I'm thinking about
adopting, though.

I want to adopt a white
child and name him Nigga.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like, "Nigga,
turn off that TV!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"This is my house, Nigga!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Just so I can make sure
at least one white person in the world

knows how jacked up
that is, man.

[LAUGHING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I love music, I come
from a musical family.

I used to be
a church musician,

used to play organ
at a down home gospel church.

Y'all know what
I'm talkin' about? Yeah.

Type of church you go to at
10:00 on Sunday morning

and you don't get out
until like 3:00...

Monday afternoon.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You leave, your butt
be sore, you be broke.

Church service would start
out with a church sister

whose job it was to sing.

And she'd be full
of the spirit before she ever hit the mic.

She'd be like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

♪ Mmm-hmm, mmm

♪ Amazing gra...

♪ Hey, how, hey, how, how

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

♪ How swee

♪ Ee-ee-ee-ee

♪ Ee-ee-ee-eet the sound

She going for 20 minutes,
I'd be on organ going,

"Stop, woman,
I'm gettin' cramps!"

Some of the preachers
are way out there, though.

Y'all have to be the
congregation for me. Lemme hear you say, "Yeah."

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Gimme one of those
good old Baptist moans.

[AUDIENCE MOANING][LAUGHING]

Y'all know what
I'm talkin' about.

This is the Reverend Brother
Pastor Deacon Doctor Doug.

And I want to talk
to y'all this evening.

I want y'all to know
that there is sin in the city.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Somebody asked me once,
they said, "Rev,

"where exactly is this sin
that's in the city?"

And I want y'all to know
you don't have to look for it,

'cause it's right
outside the door.

But if you want
to come to this church, you can't sin no more.

You gotta leave it outside.
Lemme hear you say, "Leave it outside."

AUDIENCE: Leave it outside.

I said you can run
but you can't hide.

And when you come
in this church and leave your sins outside,

say "Leave it outside."AUDIENCE: Leave it outside.

Can't bring your wild women
in this church, you gotta leave it outside.

AUDIENCE: Leave it outside.

Can't bring your dirty,
filthy minds in this church, you gotta leave it outside.

AUDIENCE: Leave it outside.

You can't bring your drugs
and alcohol in here, you gotta leave it outside.

AUDIENCE: Leave it outside.

And you can count on me,
'cause I ain't never lied,

and when you need me,
you can find me, 'cause I'll be right outside.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Can I get an amen?AUDIENCE: Amen.

Let the congregation say,
"Boom shakka lakka lakka."

AUDIENCE: Boom shakka lakka.

Right on, I've been
Doug Starks.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Coming to the stage
from Atlanta, Georgia,

this is his second appearance
on the Def Comedy Jam.

Last time he was here,
he rocked,

he's gonna do it again.
Give it up for Arnez J.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What's happenin',
New York City?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

What's happenin',
New York City?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I'm glad to be back here,
I love y'all.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My name is Arnez J.,
and I've got a couple of problems to talk about.

Y'all don't mind, do you?AUDIENCE: No.

Cool.

Let you know something
about Arnez J.

Right now. Ain't no
shame in my game.

Okay, ain't no
shame in my game.

And stay with me
through the whole story,

'cause if you don't,
I'll switch the subject on you just like that.

Now how will I
switch the subject?

AUDIENCE: Just like that.Just like that.
Stay with me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

First thing Arnez J.
don't like, I don't like no ugly women.

Now, I ain't the finest
brother in the world, but I got a choice.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You brothers ever seen
a woman from across the street

you thought was fine,
from across the street?

I mean, like way
across the street.

And then when you got
up on her, you wanted to turn around

but you just couldn't do it.

My body played
a trick on me one day.

I thought this girl was fine,
I ran up on her,

"Hey, baby, come here!"
I was like, "Oh, shoot!"

Eh, you know.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Body just took off.

I was gonna say,
and you women with the weaves in your hair,

now you know who you is,
I ain't going to point nobody out,

no, I don't do that.
You know, but you women with the weaves,

do me a favor,
when you go out on a date...

What... I'll...
What's wrong with y'all?

I ain't pointin' nobody out!

You women with the weaves,
y'all know who you are, okay?

Just... What?
What's wrong with y'all?

What?

Just do me a favor, okay?

A little thing you women
got to stop doing.

My African kings
and my African queens,

we've got to quit hittin'
on one another, okay?

This domestic violence
needs to go!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

'Cause you women usin'
that 9-1-1 a little bit too much, okay?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, how a brother
gonna look when we call the police on y'all

'cause y'all hit us?

[CRYING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING][LAUGHING]

"Police, she hit me!"

Oh, no. Uh-uh,
you gotta quit hittin' one another.

And then you always
get them women...

Tell me, ladies,
if you a real woman,

when you out with your posse,
when you out with your girls,

and she arguin' with her man,
you gonna stick up for her, ain't you?

You gonna whup that nigga
behind if he touch her, huh?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING][LAUGHS] Yeah!

Wait a minute, though.

Y'all better quit that too.

Y'all better quit
runnin' up... Runnin' up on a brother.

I saw a brother arguin'
with his girlfriend, no, like...

Dude like,
"Go on then, now. Go on girl."

And the girl's in the
background cheering on, "Don't touch her.

"Don't put your hands
on her, nigga."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And, look, he's like look,
"You better...

"You better go on,
girl, okay,

"you better go on with that."

Oh, here come the posse.

You always get that one
that want to lead the pack.

That one that want
to talk all that...

"Leave her alone! We told you
not to touch her, didn't we?

"We told you...
Come on, girl... We told you!"

[EXCLAIMS]

"That's why she just needs
to go on and leave you, 'cause you ain't no good."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My brothers, that be
no shame your game.

Say, "Ain't no shame
in my game!"

MEN: Ain't no
shame in my game.

How many y'all been
caught before, playin' around?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I've been caught.

Oh, brothers, I got caught.

And see, when a brother
catch a woman playing around,

we try to intimidate
ya'll into tellin' us what you did.

We try to act
like we goin' whoop y'all behind, huh?

Like we all bad.

We'll tell a woman,
"Babe, come here.

"Come here, I need
to ask you something. Come here...

"You need to be right here.
Be right here."

"Yeah, let me ask you
a question, all right?

[LAUGHS] "All right.
Don't lie, okay?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Don't lie.

"You been messin'
around this nigga?

"You been... You been
playin' around with him?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]"Huh? Huh?"

Women get cool.

And then, when they catch us,
oh, what will a brother do?

We will lie until a new
world's been built.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But when a brother lie,
we lie stupidly.

'Cause we act like we don't
know what we talking about.

And when a woman catch us,
they don't caught us playin' around.

They don't want to know
we playin' around.

They want to know
exactly what we did.

Why do y'all want to know
exactly what we did?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My girlfriend asked
me this question,

I didn't even know how
to answer, she said,

and y'all get all dramatic,

"All right, let me ask
you a question, okay?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Oh, don't you lie
to me, nigga, ooh!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Ooh, ooh!

[CRYING]

"Okay.

"I know you...
Did you eat her pussy?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shit, I answered like
the rest of the brothers,

I was like... [SCOFFS]

"Well, [SCOFFS]
did I eat her...

"That's 'cause she sucked
my dick, that's why I did it."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But black people are scary.

Am I lying? Black people
don't like the dark.

It could be our own house.

But black people got
three gears on they body. Three gears.

First, second, and third
when we hear a strange noise.

First gear is "Walk fast."

Second gear is "Run."

Third gear is "Nigga,
you need to book."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

See, a white man
got one gear in his body,

when he hear a strange noise.
White guy will be walking, be like,

"Yeah, man... Oh!"

"Save yourself!
Save yourself!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Let a brother hear
a strange noise.

He be walkin' with a friend
and them three gears kick in,

he hear them noise,
he be like,

"Nigga, what was that, man?"
"I don't know, man."

"Now, see nigga,
what was that, man?" "I don't know."

Into the fifth!

My name is Arnez J.,
I gotta go.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hey, New York, you have
always been good to me.

I love all of y'all,
thank you very much.

Let's bring Russell up
to say good night.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]Yeah.

Thanks again, good night,
God bless you.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

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