All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s03e10.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Martin Lawrence!

Yeah.

[AUDIENCE SHOUTING]

You like me.AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Thank, y'all.

Yo, give my man a
round of applause, Kid Capri.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Wassup, man?

How you doing? Cool.

I'm talking to Kid Capri.

How y'all doing? Wassup?

Wassup man?

This your girl? Yeah?

You happy?

Great, bro.
Say that shit! You happy?

Yeah.You better say you happy,

she looking at you in your
face, like, "Motherfucker!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

See how it work? Brothers
can't speak up and tell, be proud, man.

That's your woman, man.

Walk with her, man,
hand in hand, say

"That's my motherfucker
right here."

Women like that. See,
shit change when you get in a relationship.

Are you guys,
I know you're fucking.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

How long you been together?

Two years.Two years you're fucking.

Don't you try to play it off.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

It's hard to be together
two years and not fuck, ain't it?

But let's be safe,
you know, because it's rough out here, man.

And you know what I'm
talking about using them...

I know you don't wanna use
them but use them condoms.

Be safe.

Fucked up though,
when you want to get with somebody

you been wanting for years,

and you know it's AIDS and
everything out there, man,

you just don't know.

It's fucked up, you ever
have a girl in bed, like,

"Whoo, shit! I'ma tear
this motherfucker up!"

And then she cough.
[COUGHS].

"I'll call you."

So be safe,

because I love y'all, man.

Would y'all still support me
if something happened to me?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

If I come back to this
motherfucker, just be...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Naw, 'cause I'm saying,
if y'all say y'all love me,

I want you to love me always.

I don't want y'all
to abandon me if I'm fucked up,

if I come back,
"Hello... Wassup?"

I want y'all to be
there for me.

You know what I'm saying?

You'll be there for me, bro?

My man. There you go, man.

See, that's what I love,
'cause when we do this show, black people,

we together like
a motherfucker, man.

And hi, I seen you
over there.

When I say
black people, hi.

What are you, though?
I'm confused.

Black? White? Beige?

What are you?
I'm just playing.

Y'all don't see her,
but... Hi, baby.

Oh, don't mess with her?

That's wrong? I got to
mess with everybody.

You don't mind, sweety,
right? You want to laugh and everything, thank...

See? Mind your business.

"Don't mess with her,
that's wrong."

[MUMBLING] I'm not...
Hi baby, how you doing?

You her sister.
Motherfucking right.

That's what I wanna hear.

[APPLAUSE]

You know, that's all
I wanna know!

You know what I'm saying?

Because you know, that's
my thing, you know?

But if a riot or some fight
break out, where you going?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Your whole walk can change.

Your shit will go
from this shit to...

Look, we got a lot of
comics coming out here

that are coming out to
perform for you, brothers.

This is their shot
and they're looking to make you laugh.

And you guys, see if you
can make them laugh in New York,

you can make them
laugh anywhere,

so when they come out,
give them that energy and say, hey,

take these brothers
to super-stardom.

Are you gonna do that?
Let me hear some energy. Wassup?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

And if you're good, I might
sing for you a little later, would you like that?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.[LAUGHS]

Coming to the stage from
Birmingham, Alabama, a'ight,

please give
it up and welcome Henry Welch.

[APPLAUSE]

Wassup, New York?

Come on, keep it going for
Martin Lawrence, Kid Capri and Russell Simmons.

[APPLAUSE]What's happenng?

How you doing, man?

Doing all right?

Where you from?

All right. I like your shoes.

Shoes so old,
the heel in the front.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

God damn.

Boy, I tell you
the truth.

Yeah, I said it.

I know y'all think we
country and shit, because we from Alabama.

I got on shoes and clothes,
I know y'all shocked.

And we don't march
everywhere we go, I just wanna clarify that.

Because we flew up here,
I just want to get that out.

I know y'all looking at me
saying I'm looking crazy, kind of bald-headed.

But I got all
my hair cut off.

I got it cut off
for a movie.

[APPLAUSE]

I don't know what
I'm going to see yet.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Boy, y'all slow,
but you here.

Any ladies in the
audience got tattoos?

By round of applause,
in a revealing spot?

[APPLAUSE]What about it, girl?

Huh?WOMAN: I got three.

You got three? Where
the most revealing spot at?

What?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You some kin
to Leon Spinks?

Damn, you slow.

Well, anyway, I was
dating this female,

she went inside
this tattoo parlor,

said she wanted some
tattoos put on her thighs.

So this guy said take
off all your clothes.

She said, "Cool.

"On this this thigh,
I want you to put Riddick Bowe."

So he put Riddick Bowe
over here.

She said, "Sir, I'm pissed.
This is not like Riddick Bowe.

"So on this thigh I want
you to put Mike Tyson."

So he put Mike Tyson
over here.

She said, "Sir, I'm still
upset so I'm gonna get a second opinion."

So a guy walks
into the tattoo parlor,

she says, "Can I see you
for a minute, please?"

He said, "Sure."

"Does this look like
Riddick Bowe to you?"

Said, "Nope."

"Does this look
like Mike Tyson?"

He said, "Naw, but that
son of a bitch in the middle sure look like Don King!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Boy, y'all sick.

My type of crowd.

Was anybody poor when
they was a kid, by round of applause?

[APPLAUSE]

Damn. White people clapping.

We was poor as hell, man.

We were so poor, we ate
barbeque ribs one day,

and licked our fingers
the next.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

We were so poor,
we didn't know there was five Jackson Five,

because our little TV
wouldn't pick up Tito's fat ass.

We were so poor,
if I didn't wake up with a hard-on,

my sisters wouldn't have
had nothing to play with all day.

AUDIENCE: Oh.

Aw, these just jokes.

Don't take that
shit serious.

Y'all taking it serious!

Lotta crazy shit going on,
you white people sick.

Leave your little children
at home for nine days.

Couldn't have left no
little black children at home for nine days,

we would have been like,
"Hey, big mama, you ain't gonna believe this.

"Mama left us, the baby
done shit on his self,

"Jon Jon ate up
all the spam."

Y'all sick.
Three things you never see,

you'll never see
Vanilla Ice on Soul Train,

you'll never see a
black man model underwear on television.

You know, how
we hung and shit.

But all black men
aren't hung,

'cause I only have two
inches from the floor.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

This is a true story,
ladies!

And the third thing is
for you white people.

You will never, ever
see Elvis Presley's fat ass again, all right?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

The man is dead!

You don't never hear
black people talking about, "Guess what?

"You ain't never gonna
believe this. I saw Marvin Gaye at the Super Bowl!"

Let our heroes die,
I wish y'all would do the same.

Want y'all to
remember one thing,

remember Henry Welch with.
All should remember this.

You'll never hear
anybody say that

Henry Welch got his ass
kicked by the police,

you know why?

I'ma do my impression
running from the police.

I need some help from y'all.
Y'all going to help me out?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.I want y'all to
say, just two words.

Go, Henry!

AUDIENCE: Go, Henry!
Go, Henry!

Go, Henry! Go, Henry!

Thank y'all. Peace!
I'm Henry Welch.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Give him another
round of applause.

[APPLAUSE]

That's right.

Elvis is long gone,
let that man sleep white people, shit.

All right, you guys are
a really good audience,

so keep that energy
going, a'ight?

Coming to the stage,

from Cincinnati, Ohio.

Please welcome
Blair Shannon.

[APPLAUSE]

Did I do something wrong
already, is my fly open? What the hell?

Oh, you talking about this?AUDIENCE: Shoes!

The shoes?

They paid for, what the
fuck's wrong with you?

I bought them,
they're mine. What's wrong? You don't like them?

You ain't got to wear them.

They're comfortable.
Glad to see you.

Nice to see you,
glad to be here.

I am very happy,
we're in a new year,

we got a new
president, damn it,

I am glad to hear
about that because,

I'm telling you, I was
getting tired of 12 years of that nonsense.

We got a new president,
and they kept picking on him during the campaign,

talking about how he
was fooling around,

he had an affair and all
that stuff for 12 years and all that crap.

You know, I got tired of
hearing about what he was doing between the sheets,

I really didn't give a damn
what he was doing between the sheets.

Long as he wasn't running
around wearing a sheet,

I really didn't give a shit
what he was doing, you know?

I got tired of hearing
about that.

It'd be nice to have
a president fooling around in the White House again,

what the hell, you know?
"Where's the president?"

"I don't know."

I don't know, we'll
see what happens.

I hope he does something,
I hope he does something for a change,

especially about crime.
I am... This carjacking shit.

What is this? You
pull up to a stoplight,

somebody puts a gun
in your face, tells you to give them your car.

These are the laziest god
damn criminals I have ever seen in my life.

They don't even wait until
you go home and go to sleep,

steal your car like a
regular crook, you know?

Stand there at an
intersection, shopping.

What the hell is this?

That's why unfortunately,
we got to start carrying guns.

I'm sorry, that's
just the way it is.

Next time something
like that happens...

[APPLAUSE]

You just say,
"No, I don't think so.

"Take the next car.

"As a matter of fact,
give me your wallet."

See, I'm hard
on criminals, I believe in capital punishment,

I'm sorry. I know a lot
of people don't think it's a deterrent to crime.

But I believe it's
a deterrent, at least to that individual.

See, he won't be back,
you see what I mean?

Some of these people
aren't worth rehabilitating.

Ted Bundy,
here's a guy,

first of all you can't
kill a guy like that enough.

Once is not enough
to kill a guy like that.

What you need to do with
him, strap him in the chair

and just mess with him
for about 20 minutes, you know what I mean?

[ELECTRICAL BUZZ]

[BUZZ]

[MANIACAL LAUGH]

I just don't...
I mean, the money they spend.

Some states $40,000
a year per prisoner.

Twenty-seven cents worth
of electricity, done.

That's it. You got a
quarter, I got a quarter, there's two cents...

Here's a dollar and a half,
make a day of it, God damn it.

I just don't get it,
I don't know why we waste our time, these people.

Jeffrey Dahmer, this is
the same judicial system

that said Jeffrey Dahmer
was sane!

Here's a man eating people!

What do you got to do to
be crazy in this country?

"Oh, he's all right,
put him in a cell with a bunch of other people,

"he'll be all right,
don't worry about him."

The hell's wrong with this
son of a bitch? Kill him!

I mean, at what point in
your life do you wake up and say,

"You know, sometimes
I just get tired of chicken?"

Kill this son of a bitch!
I don't understand this!

The money they spend!

You know that they perform
autopsies on executed prisoners?

To find out how they died?

Guy just sprung up out of
the electric chair like a pop tart.

And they got to pay Quincy
to come in and figure out what killed him.

"Well, he was a heavy
smoker, Sam. That might have has something to do."

He was smoking pretty
heavy in that chair, Quincy, yeah.

They will swab your arm
down with alcohol,

before they give you
a lethal injection.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

To reduce the risk of
infection.

"Well, we wouldn't want you
to catch nothing in the next 30 seconds."

I just don't get it. I guess
as I get older, my views are getting different,

I'm thinking differently
about stuff.

And I don't mind getting
older. I think people,

see people lately,
I hear people whining

"I can't believe I got
another birthday coming up.

"I can't believe
I'm getting older, I got another birthday."

Well, then die!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

That's the only way
you're gonna get out of it, you know?

I wanna get old.
You get old, you can say any damn thing you want.

You can sit in a chair
and go, "Kiss my ass.

"Kiss my wrinkly, dry ass."

I've had a lot of fun,
good to see you, guys. Thanks for having me.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Give him another
round of applause.

[APPLAUSE]

Coming to the stage from
Los Angeles, California,

give it up for
my man Mad Marv.

[APPLAUSE]

Wassup, wassup.

Aw, we made it
to another year.

Last year was to
the curb, wasn't it?

Broke up with my girlfriend,
I had this woman that complained all the time.

You ever have a woman that
just complain all the time, fellas?

Now let me break
the scenario down to you, right?

She ain't got no house,
she just coming over to my pad

to have a place to lay
her begging-ass head, right?

Get in there, first thing
she do, look in my TV, start complaining.

"Damn, nigga, you gonna
have to get you a bigger TV in this motherfucker.

"Because I do like
watching Love Connection,

"and with that little-ass TV
I can only see two choices on your motherfucking screen."

And even when we
make love, right?

"Why you come so fast?"

'Cause you was just leaving
and I didn't wanna keep you.

So scram,
get the fuck out of here,

and take them goddamn
earrings with you.

Can you do that for me?

I'm telling you, man,
'cause if my woman leaves some shit at my house

I'm taking it to
the pawn shop

if it's worth something,
you know what I'm saying?

I was with this fat girl,
she left some drawers over to my house.

Man, I got some curtains
now, fucking curtains.

Keep the sun out while
you fucking around.

But if you gonna be
fucking around,

women and everything,
and men,

and you're not using
condoms, be safe, okay?

'Cause I'm gonna be honest
with you, a girl broke me off

a little something,
something.

For real, broke me
off something swell,

she was like,
[PUNCHING NOISES] "You take that with you, that's yours."

And that shit fucked me up,
because I had to go to the clinic, right?

I didn't go to the doctor,
I went to the clinic.

That bastard open at 9:30,

my ass was there like 6:30,

like an alcoholic in front
of the liquor store.

Shit had me talking like
a pimp, like [VOCALIZES].

That shit open up at 9:30,
I was in there, bam!

In that motherfucker, right?

Receptionist was real quiet,

so I figure I was gonna handle
my business quiet, right?

So I walk up to
the receptionist,

she was like, "Shh.

"Welcome to the clinic,
what are you here for?"

I was like, "You know,
checkup, you know..."

She was like,
"What kind of checkup?"

I was like, "You know, VD's
and shit, you know, shh..."

And she got loud on me, right.

She said, "VD, follow
the red line! Line..."

Like, fuck!

I'm like the only
motherfucker on this red-ass line and shit.

I don't even know
where it ends.

Maybe it's a big pit for
the infected, they just fall the fuck in. Right?

And I finally get in there
where the red line ends.

It's full of people that look
like they got something.

One dude was sitting over,
his fucking neck was all swollen up,

his eyes, slobber was
coming out of his mouth.

I'm like,
"What the fuck's wrong with you?"

"Nigga, just say
no to the pussy, man, don't eat no pussy."

I looked at that fool,
I just held my breath, I was like, [INHALES]

"I'm not breathing none
of the shit he's breathing, fuck that."

And then the doctor wanted
to give me this shit, he wanted to give some condoms.

Like condoms is going
to help me, right?

Then I started thinking,
thinking, thinking

'cause I'm always
doing that shit, right?

I'm like, a condom is
cool for viruses and shit like that

but what about for crabs?

Crabs are critters.

A dick with a condom
ain't nothing but a bridge to a crab,

you understand
what I'm saying?

That shit be fucked up.

But I love doing
comedy, man.

I want you guys to be safe,
you know what I'm saying?

Safe sex in the 90s.

My favorite comedian is
Richard Pryor, anybody ever heard of that motherfucker?

[APPLAUSE]

Yeah.

Now Richard is
the only comic

who can change his
voice seven different octaves in one sentence.

I was watching this movie
called The Mack,right?

White guy was getting ready
to shoot, Richard said,

"Go ahead, run, nigger!"

That what they called us
back in those days, so don't trip.

Richard did that seven
voice thing, he said,

[RICHARD PRYOR VOICE]
"I ain't running a motherfucking...

"I ain't running shit."

I mean,

that shit impressed me,
'cause I used to do Richard at five years old,

walking around the house,
my mother saying,

"What do you want for dinner,
darling?" "Food, bitch!"

Pops would come home, "Your
mother telling me you doing that Richard Pryor shit."

"That bitch lying,
you know how she is!"

"You want me to
whoop your ass?"

"No, motherfucker,
I don't want you to do shit!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Telling you man,

I would go to school,
it would be the same thing, I'm telling you.

They would say,
"Marvin, read page 38, the math problem."

"If Johnny had one apple,

"and the bitch
Sally had three,

"and Johnny gave Sally
one of his apples,

"how many apples
would the bitch have?"

"Well, first of all,
if I was Johnny I wouldn't give the bitch shit.

"And I would fuck Sally,
and say how you like them apples?"

Peace!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Aight. Coming to the stage,
a very, very funny man.

He's on tour right now
with my man Bobby Brown, he's kicking it.

And you seen him
last time he was on,

he rocked,
and he's coming out to rock again.

Give it up for my man
Ricky Harris.

[APPLAUSE]

[SINGING]

Break into that Jamaican
shit, you know?

Look like Shabba.

Is that motherfucker
ugly or what?

Shabba Ranks got to be
the ugliest motherfucker on Earth.

That motherfucker look
like a piece of shit.

You know how you get up
and look at your shit, go "Ugh, Shabba!"

Shabba.

"Look like Shabba!"

That motherfucker is hideous,
man, but he gets much pussy.

Because, you know,
he got money!

You got money, you get
pussy, everybody know that.

Because I see a lot
of ugly motherfuckers

got a nice cars,
'cause that's how you can tell they got money.

They got them cars.

You know, a ugly
motherfucker get out of his car, be like,

[DOOR CLOSES AND BEEPING]

"Whass going on?" [LAUGHS]

And all night. And ladies get
mad when a motherfucker come up to them, don't y'all?

'Cause he be like,
"Ugh, ugh, ugh.

"I'ma go talk to that one."

[LAUGHS]

"I be right back."

Motherfucker walk up
to the girl, [LAUGHS]

"What your name?

"Oh, look, you gonna run."

"Ain't that a bitch.

"Oh, you gonne fall down
like a monster chasing you, now? Huh?

"Fuck you."

But women fool your ass
when you making love.

You know, 'cause I like
my woman with a little size on her ass.

You know, I don't
like no skinny...

'Cause them skinny girls,
they complain

too motherfucking
much, don't they?

"Oh, stop, slow down.

[STAMMERING]
"Hold up, it is hurting.

"It ain't even wet,
it's dry, wait!

"Dang, you better
take your time!"

"Hold up, hold up,
wait! Slow down!"

A big girl, she be ready
to go. "Come on. Come on."

[WOMEN SQUEALING]

"Come on!

"It's already wet, come on.

"Bring your ass in here."

You gotta do some work.

I just hate the women that
talk shit when you making love to them, you know?

You know them ones
that be talking about,

"More, more, more!"

You down there,
"More what?

"Ain't no more
dick down there!"

Ain't like you got
another dick in another room and shit.

"Hold on, oh,
you want the big dick!

"Let me go get
the big dick!

"I know that's what
you want, because you want the big dick."

And I hate them ones that
be talking about "harder."

You ever had a woman
tell you this? You in there, just [GRUNTING].

And she's still talking
about harder, you like,

[GRUNTS HARDER]

And she still talking about
harder, you like, "Harder, motherfucker?"

[GRUNTS VIOLENTLY]

Get that good push off
and shit.

And she still talking
about harder, so you say, "Motherfucker..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And she still talking
about harder so you say, "Motherfucker."

[GUN FIRES]

But I love this shit, man.
I love coming out here in New York,

but it's just colder
than a motherfucker.

You know, 'cause I'm from
California, man, and we ain't used to no motherfucking...

[CLAPPING]

Okay.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Get your ass beat up
after the show.

"California, all right!"

No, but I just like, because
the weather is so motherfucking cold out here,

you know what I'm saying,
you be colder than a motherfucker.

And my mother told me,
you know, "Pack heavy."

I'm like, "All right, Mom."

You know, because your
mother help you out and shit, you know.

'Cause kids nowadays don't
get whooped like we used to get, huh?

Man we used to get
our ass whooped.

Man, because nowadays, man,
it's like child abuse.

Man, remember your mother
would whoop you with anything.

My mother whooped me
with a phone one time.

Bing! Answer the phone.

"Hello?

"I think it's for you."

We used to get whooped, man,
like a motherfucker man.

My mother whooped me with
a Hot Wheel racetrack,

my mother don't give a fuck.
"Go get the curve."

That was your ass, man.

But remember them whoopings
you used to get, man,

when you said, "Fuck that,
I ain't getting whooped no more."

Remember that shit,
when you got older?

You said, "Fuck that shit!

"You ain't hitting me no
more, fuck, yeah!

"Yeah, yeah. Hit me,
I'll bust your ass."

Remember that shit?
'Cause you was the same height as your mom and shit.

Your mother say,
"Go get the belt." You say, "Okay, fuck that shit.

"I ain't gonna cry."

You remember that shit,
the don't cry method?

Your mother whooping.
You going like this.

[GRUNTS]

Ah!

I'm gonna bust
your... "Ah."

Oh.

Your mother say,
"Nigga, you crazy?" [LAUGHS]

"Ah!

"Hmm.

"Mmm."

And I don't know what
make you grab that belt.

Ah.

Your mother say,
"Nigga, you better let go of that belt."

[LAUGHS]

Your mother say,
"Let go of the belt!"

And I don't know what
the fuck happened,

but I know I woke
up in the hospital, just like this.

With a little piece of
belt still in my hand.

Hey, yo, I'm Ricky Harris,
peace to all my homies in Long Beach.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

So, give Ricky another
round of applause, very funny shit.

[APPLAUSE]

So, we wanna thank y'all.

Wanna bring my man up
to say goodnight,

thank you guys
for coming out.

Thank y'all for coming out,
God bless y'all. Good night.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

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