All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s03e09.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

KID CAPRI: Ladies and
gentlemen, put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Martin Lawrence!

[AUDIENCE SHOUTING]

[CHEERING]

Kid Capri, man!

Give him a round of applause
even though he's fucking up.

[APPLAUSE]

What's up?

We got my man...
Where's my man Treach from Naughty by Nature up here?

Yeah, what's up?

My fellows, give him
a round of applause.

Boys are bad.

My man got...
My man Charles Smith in the house.

It's a... My man. Him
and Lisa Johnson from BET,

give them a round of
a applause.

They got married.
That's right![APPLAUSE]

You married now,
huh, Charles?

I was the best man at your
wedding. He cried too y'all.

You don't want me to
tell them where you cried. You did too.

He was happy.
He had a tear in his eye.

He was like...
[SNIFFS]

We got Dr. Dre from MTV.

Give him a round of
applause. Big ass Dre.

You a big motherfucker
to be hosting some shit.

And Dre just don't give
a fuck, he just...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Dre, what's up, man? I heard
you were supposed to be at the early show

but you were still eating.
What the fuck is going on, man?

How you doing baby?
What's your name?

Dee? You got
a man, Dee?

No, not right now, oh.

How old are you?

You're 22?

Damn, you ain't got no man?

What, are they hard
to find out there? Just knuckleheads or something?

Pretty much, niggas,
they don't know how to approach you.

"Excuse me, Miss Lady."

"How you live?
We can have a little fun here."

So, wassup?AUDIENCE: Wassup?

How y'all doing?

Y'all look good.

I got a... I'm on
cordless phone.

I got to say this, you know?

Who made the cordless
phone up?

Who made that shit up?

Come on, black people,
come on! These are questions!

Who made it?

Bet a white person go,

"I know who made it."

That shit is cool.

You cannot sit still on
a motherfucking cordless phone can you?

You got to be moving on it.

You don't never see
a motherfucker on a cordless just chill.

"Right. Right, right, right!"

Motherfucker...
Oh, niggas going, ah!

Oh, shit!

Now look, we want you all
to keep the energy going,

because we got
a hell of a lineup for you,

'cause these boys coming
out here and make you laugh.

We have some comics that
have been on here before

that you've seen and you
see over and over again.

So when they come out,

you give them
the lather and the love that you gave me.

Treach,

she is, isn't she fine?

Brought her in,
you know that, right?

You want me
to hook you up?

I'll hook you up on
national TV, fuck that, I'll make a couple up this month.

You don't wanna
get hooked up?

Why you got somebody?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Where a single man?
Where's a single man?

Huh? Come here, man,
you raising your hand.

Come here, man.
Bring in here.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Oh.

Fuck it, I'm gonna
make a couple.

She like, "Why you
doing this?" 'Cause,

you ain't got nobody
and I want you to settle down, all right?

Now, ain't no fighting
now hold on.

Come on. Okay.

Now, you have
an opportunity

to say something
to this nice beautiful sister.

What would you say, bro?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Don't be nervous, brother,
express yourself, man!

Fuck that,
do this shit, man!

I said my name
is Apprentice.

Let's be rapping
and shit, come on.

Yo, man, these couple might
get married y'all don't know. I might started some shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

My name is Apprentice,
and I think you're a very attractive lady

and I'd like to
get to know you.

Whoa!

Oh, shit, I'd like to get
to know you too, my man.

Now what you gonna
say to him?

Now 'cause, you know,
we got to get together.

I already have a man.

Oh![AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

Fuck! Why you do that?

That fucked up! Man!

Fuck that!

What's your man
got to do with me?

I got your back, bro.
Fuck that shit.

You just told me you
didn't have no man.

Why you embarrass
every... Fuck that.

I'm trying to set
your shit off.

Trying to get you somebody
to love, just like Charles.

Bam.

Okay, coming to the stage
from Cleveland, Ohio,

please welcome,
Dante Carter.

[APPLAUSE]

How y'all doing?

AUDIENCE: Good.

Yeah, this is cool, man.

Yeah, I was listening to
Johnny Gill on the way over here.

We got any Johnny Gill fans
here by way of applause?

[APPLAUSE]Yeah. I like that brother
because he can sing.

But Johnny Gill got some
big ass lips, don't he?

I know what y'all thinking...
Well, so do you, motherfucker.

But that's what makes me
feel more confident

about coming on stage
with my big ass lips.

'Cause Johnny got those
big shiny ass lips.

He come out for his concerts
looking like this here.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Brother can blow but I love
with his stinking ass.

Hey, man, I went home to
Cleveland, man, the streets looking terrible, man.

Especially prostitutes, man.
There's some ugly prostitutes out there now, man.

You remember back in the
day, you see a few decent looking prostitutes.

You know what I'm saying?
Now they all ugly, man.

It's that crack, man.
It's just fucking everything up.

'Cause I seen this
babe outside,

waving down cars, man,

looking like she had been
bobbing for chicken wings in some hot grease.

She's out there waving down
cars looking like this here.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You dating? [LAUGHS]

Say, "Hell, no, get off
my windshield wiper, bitch,

"with your stinking ass."

Hey, man, but it's cool.
You got to be careful, man.

You can't have sex
with anybody, man.

And sex is really
tripped out now, man.

But you fellows remember,
you ever had one of those champion nights in bed?

You know what I'm saying,
where you like making love so good

you want somebody
else to see you?

You just wish your boy
would walk by and look through the window

so you can show
and be like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And some guys, man,
we like to play that game with our woman.

You know what I'm saying,
where you get her like, really aroused

and she's about to cum
and then you're just like, stop.

You're like...

And she be like... [PANTING]

"Why you stop?"

But some women
don't give a fuck.

They will get that off
they self. You know what I'm saying?

You pull back on them,
be like, they fall on the ground and be like.

Your stinking ass.

Yeah, man, but I'm
aggressive in bed.

Man, I like aggressive
foreplay you know what I'm saying?

Like one night. I was
turning my woman's nipple so hard, man,

I started picking up
radio stations. Like...

W channel, on to the next top...

.... We gonna begin our
coverage... ♪ On the road again

Yeah, man, shit. You got to
be careful though, man.

Aw man, the sex, man,

and they say natural
selection has favored

that men be more
sexually aggressive.

In other words, men,
we hardly ever turn down sex, do we?

Never, man. Women, you know
y'all get in y'all moods.

You know, you y'all
don't wanna have sex.

He be like, "Aw, baby,
come on, baby."

"No, I just don't feel like
it tonight, you know."

And as man you know
we have to accept it.

We like, "Bitch."

But when a man turn down sex,
oh, all hell breaks loose don't it, fellas?

You get accused of all
kind of shit like,

"Wait a minute, motherfucker.

"Who you been fucking?
No, who you been fucking?

"Pull your pants, pull your
pants down I wanna see."

You be like, "Damn, girl,
why we got to go through this bullshit."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And then you just hanging.

And then that's when they
like, do this inspection, to check your shit out.

She be like...

Your stinking ass.

I don't care, man,
who you have sex with,

where you have sex, man,
just have safe sex, you know what I'm saying?

Watch all those public
service announcements and pay attention to them, man.

But you know who I like see
doing the safe sex public service announcement?

Ray Charles.

And this is my impression
of Ray Charles

doing the safe sex public
service announcement.

This is Ray Charles,
speaking out for safe sex.

You know, nothing in
the world is quite like safe sex.

You take for instance,
I was on a blind date.

We had a real nice time,
we was over at her place

we was about to make whoopie
and I reached into my pocket

and I ain't had
no condoms so I say,

"Hey, girl, we gonna
have to quit this."

So she got all upset
with me and said,

"What's wrong, Ray?
You think you gonna catch syphilis or something?"

I said, "Hell, woman, I'm
not worried about syphilis. I'm already blind."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

It's AIDS that I'm worried
about, so I'm gonna tell you guys something.

If you're gonna have sex
always keep a condom handy.

I know I do.

All right, now
who's the wise guy?

That's more like it.

My name is Dante Carter.
Y'all take it easy. Peace.

[APPLAUSE]

Another round of
applause, please.

Kung fu's coming
back on, y'all.

Ain't y'all happy 'bout that?

That phony ass shit.

Any motherfucker had you
watch that shit for a whole hour and threw one kick.

Talking about, uh...

Roll fucking credits.
Fuck you Kung fu.

We don't play that
in the ghetto, baby.

All right, coming
to the stage from Atlanta, Georgia,

please give it up
for Sherman Golden.

[APPLAUSE]

Hey, yo, wassup?AUDIENCE: Wassup?

Wassup? I mean, hot damn.

I thought you was
my uncle, nigga.

Wassup? Damn.
Y'all, lookie here.

If y'all got anybody that's
on drugs get that motherfucker some help.

No shit, 'cause
my uncle Leroy,

this motherfucker was like
6'9", 'bout 290.

He starts smoking that shit,
now he just 6'9".

No shit, man, this
motherfucker running the house

every night talking about
the police chasing him,

I'm like, "Well, how
the fuck you get away?"

He said, "nigga, they almost
caught me, I hid behind that stop sign..."

Lord, that motherfucker's
skinny, man...

Kids, they lost they
god damn mind,

ain't no such thing as kids
no more either.

Kids be growing, they be
what, two, three years old,

tear your ass up, man.

I was babysitting for
my brother one time,

he got two of the baddest
god damn kids you ever wanna see.

And I knew they was bad
'cause when they came around the corner

niggas had on
Ninja Turtlesoutfits.

Telling, "We gonna play
Ninja Turtles," I say, "All right, motherfucker."

One of them jumped up and
karate chopped my ass upside the head.

I said, "All right, nigga...
Hiyah!"

I kicked his ass all
the way in the kitchen.

This motherfucker come out
the kitchen with his hand behind his back, I say,

"What the fuck
wrong with you?"

He said, "My name Chucky, you
motherfucker, you wanna play?"

I know...

Knock on your damn door all
time of night, kids don't give a fuck, do they?

'Cause y'all know
how black people do right, during trick or treat

we ain't giving out no candy,

you cut that damn light out
and act like you ain't home, right?

They knock anyway,
they all...

All like,
"Trick or treat, nigga!"

[KNOCKING SOUND]

"Oh, we know you in there.
Trick or treat!"

I come to the door say,
"Lookie here, man, I ain't giving out no candy."

This little boy couldn't
have been no more than five, six years old.

He said, "Miscer,

"we gonna go up the screet.

"But when we get back

"if your ass ain't
got no candy...

"We coming to get that VCR."

Dang, man.

Times so hard kids don't
even dress up no more, do they?

They just knock on
your goddamn door, don't they?

Kids trick or treat two,
three o'clock in the morning my neighborhood, man!

No shit, man, check
this out, true shit,

this little boy and about
three little girls knocked on my door

about one o'clock in
the morning. I said, "Hey."

He said,
"Trick or treat, nigga!"

I said, "Trick...
Y'all ain't even dressed." He said "I dressed."

He had a big ass gold tooth
in his mouth and he had a hat on.

I say, "What the fuck
you supposed to be?"

He said, "I'm a pimp!
You don't see my hoes?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Fuck me up, man.

That's why we gotta
teach our kids, man,

get away from that,
ain't no trick or treat,

ain't no Santa Claus,
that's why nigga, we need to have our own black holidays,

and vote that shit in quick.

Damn right.[APPLAUSE]

Damn right. 'Cause we
wait on the white man for a holiday,

we be fucked up
every time, won't we?

Damn right, look what
they did to black history. February.

What a nigga gonna
do in February?

That's the shortest and
the coldest damn month in the year, ain't it?

'Cause they think all
a nigga wanna do is have a barbeque.

Right? We don't ask for much,
just a damn barbeque.

They coulda given us
that shit in July, couldn't they?

Damn right, man.
That's why I say

if I ever got voted in there
we'd have some holidays!

Monday through Friday
be holidays.

Saturday and Sunday
be work days.

But if your ass went to church
you'd get off then too.

Damn right, y'all would be
calling me I'd be making up shit.

I'd be like, "Work, nigga,
don't you know it's, uh...

"Dominique Wilkin Day?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Fuck that, man.

White people would all
stand in line, man.

They'd be seeing Elvis
every other god damn week.

Hell, yeah, man.
That's one thing I'm glad about black people, man,

we will never admit to
seeing our famous black hero, will we?

Can you imagine nigga
talking about he done seen Harriet Tubman?

Nigga, I seen Harriet Tubman
out on 85 in the bushes...

With a bus pass and a hack saw
trying to free some niggas on the chain gang.

Fuck no.

Can you imagine nigga
talking bout he done seen Malcolm X?

Shortie, I seen Malcolm
down in Chinatown. Just taking shit!

Little Chinese man say,
"How you pay for that?"

He said, "By any
means necessary!"

Fuck that, man.

Can't do nothing
no more, man, you always...

You always got niggas trying
to give you advice on how to get pussy too, don't ya?

Man, my boy's trying to
tell me how to get some, one time,

I tell him, "Lookie here,
nigga, I be concentrating on that shit, right?

"Just imagine you got
a dime on each hip,

"quarter on your ass,
and a dollar on your dick.

"Just go dime, dime,
quarter, dollar." Fuck.

So I get home,
me and my girl, we working out right,

I'm like, dime, dime,
quarter, dollar.

You know I get good to
women, they be like, "Fast?"

I say, "Shit, dime,
dime, quarter dollar."

And she said, "Faster!"
I said, "Dime, dime, quarter, dollar, dime."

She said, "Faster!" I said,
"Dime, dime, quarter..."

She said, "Faster!"
I said "fuck it! A $45."

Yo, my name is Sherman,
y'all. Peace!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Give him another
round of applause, please.

[APPLAUSE]

Coming to the stage from
Birmingham, Alabama,

please welcome
Rickey Smiley, give it up!

[APPLAUSE]

How y'all doing?

Hey, fellas, give it up for
these good looking ladies in here.

[APPLAUSE]

Times getting bad, man.

Y'all remember that song.

[SINGING]
♪ Old Mary, Mack, Mack,

♪ All dressed in
black, black, black

♪ With silver buttons
Y'all remember that song?

Man, times have
gotten so bad,

now I heard two little girls
singing it the other day,

it didn't sound nothing
like the way we used to sing it.

And it sound like they was
making it up as they go.

The girls out there,
♪ Old Mary, Mack, Mack, Mack,

♪ She is on crack,
crack, crack

♪ Make a lotta, lotta
money, money, money

♪ Laying on her
back, back, back

♪ She asked her Mom...
Come on.

♪ Mom, Mom

♪ What she should
do, do, do

♪ Her momma said,
"Don't ask me, me, me.

♪ "Cause I'm on the
shit too, too, too." ♪

Yeah... I'm going back
to school, man.

Got to go back to school.

'Cause I'm one of them
players. Y'all like those Cue dolls, man.

Y'all seen that
show Rock video with the Cue dolls in it?

I like those Cue dolls, man.

Hey. There's something
about those Cue dolls,

once you play as cute,
that doll always be inside you, man.

See my granddaddy a Cue doll.

But he a minister now.

Man, one time he was
on the pool with me, just preaching,

and that doll came
right outta him.

Act like y'all in
a church. Say, "Yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

He been so good!AUDIENCE: Yeah!

He make you wanna run!AUDIENCE: Yeah!

He make you wanna shout!AUDIENCE: Yeah!

He make you
wanna... Uh...

Huh!

[GRUNTING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Then he'd walk out in one
of them Cue dolls...

The Lord was walking down
the street the other day.

He seen old Satan
coming his way.

He said, "I'm the Lord!
And I just cannot believe

"'cause I scrubbed your head
down to the white meat!"

Ahoo! Uh!

[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]

Hey.

My granddaddy preach so hard
that Sunday my grandmamma got happy.

You know, my grandma,
she don't usually shout

'cause you know, she AKA.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

My grandma's like,
"Thank you! Yes. Thank you. Thank you."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

My name Rickey Smiley!
God bless!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

All right, man.
Now, coming to the stage, this is my girl, all right.

She's from Oakland,
California and she reoccurs on the Martinshow,

on my show, because
I love her so much.

I think she's one of
the most talented women out there today.

Give it up for my baby,
it's her second time on here, Laura Hayes.

[APPLAUSE]

Whaddup, New York?AUDIENCE: What's up?

Hey. Did y'all check out
how I gave Martin that hood

and kinda leaned
into him a little bit?

Yeah, that's how you check
out what's really going on.

I got to say, sisters,
my brother Martin, baby got front.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Woo!

See I could talk that way
'cause I just turned 40 a couple years ago.

It's a great thing when
you turn 40, people.

You get a
whole new attitude. I call it, fuck it.

Fuck it 40!

I don't care what problem
you have. Fuck it! Fuck it!

I don't wanna hear it.

'Cause see, when I was 20,
I was stupid.

Twinkling 20.

You know how you are
when you're twinkling

and you're 20 and you
just think your shit is gold, just mmm!

And fell for every line
in the book.

Y'all know them lines
y'all be givin' us

when y'all be trying to
get that shit before we get out your apartment door.

Oh, you don't recognize?
How about this one?

Look what you made me do?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And I know at least one
sister in here has brought a man home,

went to answer the phone,
get a cup of coffee or something,

come back this nigga
butt naked.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Wait a minute!

On your couch, on your
couch in that favorite do me, man, position.

But I was stupid, baby.

I fell for it.
I felt guilty, I was like,

"I can't leave him like this.

"Oh, well."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS] That ain't
what I really did,

but I didn't think
y'all can handle it.

You ever had your jaw
get stuck? Ack!

Oh, don't nobody in
New York suck no dick?

Ain't nobody getting
no dick sucked?

Is that right?

See, I was in Texas...
There you go, baby.

Tell them they better learn
how to suck some dick.

I was in Texas, and this
sister came and told me,

she say, "Laura, come on,
we got to work out now,

"get those pounds off
so you can keep that man."

I said, "Bitch, as long as
I'm sucking him unconscious he ain't going nowhere."

Is he going anywhere?

Is you going anywhere?

Is you going anywhere?

I didn't think so.

That motherfucker
come tell you about,

"Oh, baby, I'm going
shoot some hoop."

"No, you ain't."
[SUCKING SOUND]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I got an auntie
that's fucked up.

Not from crack, from
that old '70s shit.

LSD, reds, all that
kind of shit. Crazier than a motherfucker.

You know the kind of relative

you hope don't come out
the door when you got company.

Doorbell ring,
here she come.

"Hey.

"Hey. I got the pieces to
Michael Jackson's nose in my room."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But see, but crazy people
ain't as crazy as we think.

I watched Aunt Clara.

And you know, they got
crazy people, you see them on the street all the time,

hollering, hitting upside
buildings and shit.

Just, "Aha,

"yaa-hee, a-ho."

Get to a red light, "A-ho."

Green light, "A-hee. Ow!"

Thank you very much.
Peace and loving y'all.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Laura Hayes, give it up.

[APPLAUSE]

Where my man at? And this is
the part where we say thank you very much again,

because without you
there's no us.

Bring Russell, where is...

Hey, scoopie, you just
coming from other sides.

Russell Simmons.

[APPLAUSE]

Thanks for coming out.
Good night. God bless you.

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