All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s03e03.eng

KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together
for my main man,

Mr. Martin Lawrence!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE CHANTING]
Go Martin, go Martin, go Martin, go Martin.

No, this is not
dance-a-thon.

Wassup?

That's right, we're
motherfuckin' back.

Give my man Kid Capri
a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Came to say hello
to the people.

How you doin', girl?

All right, I ain't
gonna fuck with you.

We got some people
in the house that I like to acknowledge,

'cause I want to thank
them for coming out.

Just like I want to
thank you, the fans,

personally for
supporting my show,

Martin,and everything
else, for coming out. Thank you.

We got Pete Rock

and C.L. Smooth back there.

Got my man over here
Flavor Flav, look at him.

MARTIN: Give it up
for Flavor Flav.

I know, ain't nobody
like Flavor Flav. Look,

all right, nigger,
sit yo ass down, this my show.

[MARTIN LAUGHING][INAUDIBLE]

You can't...

Flav, you can't
fuck with me on the mic, man.

Flav, sit down, man.

All right, you crazy,
but I'm crazy, too, motherfucker.

MARTIN: Huh?

Crazy... Crazy,
but I'm crazy, too.

Fuck that shit, Flav.

[LAUGHTER]

Flav's so ugly,
roaches do like this,

"Daddy!"

[LAUGHTER]

[MARTIN LAUGHING]

Flav, sit down.

Yo, that's my man, Flav.

I'm fucking with you.

No, I'm serious, you...

Naw, I'm fucking
with Flav 'cause he came...

He came up in the room,
the dressing room,

before we did
the show and say,

"Hey, I'm out there."
You know, I want to acknowledge my man.

[LAUGHING] So...

Now, next time
you come walk in,

Flav, thinking about,

Flav might come on
the show one day and have him do something.

Would ya'll like that?
Wanna see Flav do a show?

Now, you hear
what they said.

MARTIN: Yeah,
feels so good.

Wassup, brother?
Brother the Mac,

give the Mac a round
of applause in the back right there.

He chillin' like a
motherfucker, too.

That's right, man,
God damn it,

I'm proud to be black.

I fucking love
being black.

Everything we do,
we smooth with our shit.

You know a lot
of white people watch Def Jam.

Tell 'em, tell 'em,
white people,

we proud to be black.

That's right.

We proud of Kunta Kinte,
we all that shit.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Everything we do,
we walk smooth.

Everything we do,
we just cool.

5 grand, motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

White people
can't help it,

they just jipper.
Just...

You guys can't help it.
And you're sittin' up there,

you didn't think
I see you.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I saw your ass.

How y'all doin?

How'd you hear
about the show?

[LAUGHTER]

Fuckin' how'd you
hear about the show?

Fuckin' well.

Won't white people
tell on you in a minute?

Them some tellin'
motherfuckers.

Won't they?

That why they
always taunt you,

black people,
watch it.

That's how they
get you in court.

They want you to
hit them and shit.

"Come on, fuckin' hit me.

"Fuckin' hit me,
come on.

"Right fuckin' here."

Soon as you
hit 'em, bam.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"The nigger in
the blue hat."

But we ain't gonna do that.
We ain't goin' that route. We just coolin'.

We just happy to
fuckin' be here.

This is comedy blackness
at its, its finest.

Now, so y'all keep
that energy going,

Flav. Chill out.

Keep that energy going

and give it up
for my man from Brooklyn, New York.

Give it up for Cortez.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh man.

Glad to be back
on the comedy scene.

Had to get away
for a while.

Had to clear my head.

Had to get some fresh air.

I had to do a
parole violation.

I'm tellin' you,
when you in jail,

you ain't got
no woman, man.

My woman came
to see me one time

just to tell me
she wasn't comin' back no motherfuckin' more.

Shit's fucked up.

I told my mother,
I said, "Mama, I'm gonna be a comedian."

She said, "That's
a good choice,

"your whole life's
been one big joke."

Me and my mother
never got along.

From the day I was born,
the doctor brought me in,

I looked at her,
she looked at me,

we both started crying.

She made me
walk home from the hospital.

I was five years old,
she sent me to the store.

When I got back,
she had moved.

Shit's fucked up.

I come from
a broken home.

The refrigerator
was broke...

The stove was broke,

and my parents
were broke.

I was on
welfare so long,

my grandmother's
picture's on food stamps.

[LAUGHTER]

We couldn't even
take a family picture together.

'Cause every time
the photographer said, "cheese,"

we all formed a line.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Shit's fucked up.

My house was so small,
you sit in the kitchen,

your elbow be in
the living room.

[LAUGHTER]

Shit's fucked up.

I had five brothers
and one pair of pants.

I came outside
every six days.

Shit's fucked up.

And forget about Christmas.

But my mother didn't
want us to wake up

on Christmas Day
with no toys.

So she gave us
sleeping pills

on Christmas Eve.

We didn't wake up
until January 4th.

I said, "Mommy,
what happened to Christmas?"

She said,
"You overslept."

Oh, shit's fucked up.

Shit's fucked up.

My fucked-up
childhood made me fucked-up in school.

I was so dumb,
they had to burn down the school

to get me out
of third grade.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I failed Romper Room,

I didn't even know
how to play with toys.

But I finally
passed my GED test...

Thanks to the
motherfucker sittin' next to me.

I cheated so much
off his paper,

I put his name
on my paper.

We got to one question,
he wrote on his paper, "I don't know."

I wrote on my paper,
"Me neither, motherfucker."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shit's fucked up.

I met a bad girl,
I mean this girl was bad,

this girl was bad.

And she walked up
to me and she said,

"Listen here baby,
I'm a... I'm a prostitute,

"and for $50,

"I'll give you a
half-and-half."

I said, "I ain't got $50."

She said, "For $20,
I'll give you

"a straight screw."

I said,
"I ain't got $20."

She said, "Well,
how much you got?"

I said, "I got $5."

"Okay," she said,
"For $5, I'll give you a penguin blow job."

Penguin blow job?

For $5 you can't
beat that shit.

So I said,
"Babe, you know,

"I'll take the
penguin blow job."

Shit. She took
down my pants

and dropped them
around my ankles.

She started
massaging me and shit,

gettin' me all ready.

And right when she
got ready to put it in her mouth,

she stepped off.

Ain't that some shit?

She just
cold-blooded

stepped off
and left me.

I said, "Baby,
where you going?"

She said, "That's
the penguin blow job."

I said, "What!
Wait a minute,

"that shit's fucked up!"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My name is
Cortez, peace.

I love you, ART!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Give him another
round applause.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Better not give me
no blow job and run off.

I kick you
in your ass.

Stay there and
suck a dick like a woman.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Confront the dick,
talk to it.

That's how I like you
to treat my dick.

Talk to it

and he talk back.

I wasn't blessed
with a big dick. I know it, you know?

I was blessed with comedy.

What do you want me,
to make you laugh or fuck you?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's my excuse
this year when I go in a room with a women.

Hey,

you ever hear the one
about when a dog walk into a bar?

All right, coming
to the stage from my hometown

is a very funny
young brother.

I had an interview
on Teen Summer some years ago,

and a brother came on
and he performed

and he was very funny
and that's why he's here tonight.

So give it up
for my man, David Edwards.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wassup, y'all? Wassup?
Make some noise! Wassup?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Y'all up in the house.
This is my first time in New York City, man,

and something
tripped me up, man.

I got in an argument
with a gay cab driver.

Now, I'm not goin'
do any gay bashing, you know, but...

'Cause I get along
with everybody.

Black people, white people,
Chinese people,

I get along with
homosexuals.

I just can't argue
with homosexuals

because, let's face it.

There's some things
you can say

to a heterosexual
in an argument that you just can't say

to a homosexual
in an argument.

'Cause you'll get
pissed off and say something like,

"Well, let me tell
you something, man,

"you can just
suck my...

"Damn."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What was that?
Huh, huh, what was that?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"Say I won't,
say I won't."

"Wait a minute,
I bust yo ass."

"That's what I want."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Do what you gotta
do, little man."

I'm sorry, man.
I can't understand homosexuality.

I'm sorry, there's
nothing like a woman. You know what I'm saying?

And I can't understand
two guys laying in bed,

penises rock hard
and just wrestling.

Talking about,
"I love you, Jack."

"You too, Mike."

I'm sorry man,
that's why I love my parents, man.

'Cause, my father, man,
he show... My mother... My mother really showed me

what manhood was like.
You know what I'm saying'?

And last week I went
home and I caught my parents having sex.

And this was some
nasty shit, all right?

You're not
supposed to see this.

All right? And my father,
he didn't even stop,

he just kept
pounding away, man.

'Cause, you know, kids,
we never knock on our parents' room,

we just walk right in.

And my dad
loved the company. I walked in the room,

he was like, "Hey,

"close the door."

"Do what your
daddy says."

"All right.
All right."

"Hurry up,
I feel a draft."

"All right, shit,
I'm leaving."

See, I saw a different
side to my mother.

I didn't know she
could get that leg that high.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My whole family's
crazy, man.

I went home to
see my grandfather.

For some strange reason,
he's lost his mind.

He just sits around
the house now and makes strange noises.

He was watching TV,
I came downstairs, said

"Hey Grandaddy,
whatcha doin?" He looked at me,

[CRACKLING GRUNT]

"Fuck wrong with
your ass?"

[CRACKLING GRUNT]

"All right, calm
your ass down, man, all right?"

And I figured out
what happened.

'Cause he was married
to my grandmother for, like, 150 years.

And one time,
I was real little, I saw her taking a bath

and she had like
four pair of breasts,

two stomachs and
a partridge in a pear tree.

Every time she
come near he say, [GRUNTING]

"Get yo ass
away from me."

Then I had to go
to church with my grandmother,

which is kind of cool
'cause she's Catholic.

And if anybody
in the house Catholic,

y'all exercise your ass off.

You know, you go
into a Catholic church it's like...

Fuck it.

All that exercise
for that little-ass piece of bread

they give your ass, man.

Piss you off.

But there's only one
religion I don't like.

It's not the religion,
it's the people who serve it.

Like Jehovah Witnesses,
you know what I'm talking about?

'Cause those people,
like Freddie Kreuger and that Jason,

they won't take a no
for an answer, all right?

You know, they
knock on the door.

And this is your house,
that you paid for.

You hear that
knock on the door and you hide

in your own fuckin' house.

Right?

And scared, too.
You hear that...

[KNOCKING]
"All right, shh, nobody fuckin' move,

"nobody move!

"Shh, shh.

"Shut the fuck up!

[CRACKLING GRUNT]
"Shut up, Grandaddy, shut up."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Fuck, they still
knocking. Damn.

"All right,
I'll go to the door.

"Oh shit, there's
four of them. Fuck."

And they all sound like
the SWAT team on top of trees on the cars.

"We know you in there,
bring yo ass out.

"Boom-stickity-boom.
We gonna be out here, motherfucker.

"Come on out."

Well, this is
the '90s, y'all.

It's the '90s
and I'm a young man and fellas,

if you having sex,

you gotta wear
your condoms.

Fellas, you
wearing your shit?

Yeah.

You better start
wearing your shit,

you gonna see yo ass
on the basketball court like this next week.

"Throw the ball man,
throw the ball,

"ain't nothin' wrong man.

[COUGHING]
"Throw the ball, man."

And I hate wearing
condoms, man.

It's hard to
put a condom on, isn't it, fellas?

Cause your penis
got a mind of his own, right?

You trying to
put this thing on,

he's like, "Look,
I don't want this thing on my head,

"I don't want it
on my head.

"All right, fuck you,
I'm going down, I ain't coming back."

[CRACKLING GRUNT]

You know, and
it's hard to put a condom on

'cause your penis
goes limp, right?

And we still want
this booty, right?

So like a little
dead, jelly crippled hand now, right?

We still trying
to put it in. We on the bed like...

[POUNDING]

And you hear
the women laughing.

That's when they
go to the telephone.

"Girl, you won't believe
what this motherfucker trying to do over here.

"And he's still
trying to put it in."

[POUNDING]

And ladies, I love
giving foreplay.

I like kissing all
over the body, man,

but as soon as you
kiss their belly button

they be all start
pushing our head down and shit, man.

You know what I'm talking
about, fellas. You be, "Hey baby, what's up?

"Stop. Ah, fuck it,
I'm goin' down, down, down, down."

And they be at it for
days, months, hours, years at a time.

Reason why? 'Cause her
leg is wrapped around your fuckin' head, like,

"You better not
fuckin move or I snap your fuckin' neck.

"You better not
fuckin' move. What, you trying to say something?"

[MUFFLED VOICE]
"Yes, sweetheart, I can't breathe,

"Jesus Christ.
Please let me up.

"I can't breathe, Jesus.
Oh, my God,

"you're pregnant,
there's a baby coming,

"let me up.

"Please, Oh, my God,

"oh, you got a cyst
on your ovaries.

"Oh, let me up."

And, "Ew, there's
a yeast infection.

"You got cookies
and cakes and all kinds of shit."

Yo, my name is
David Edwards,

I'm outta here, peace.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah, give him
another round of applause.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

All right.

Funny young
brothers, man.

All right.
Coming to the stage

from Milwaukee,
Wisconsin.

You know, the
fucked-up Dahmer state.

But you guys are gonna
enjoy him and have as much fun as you been havin',

'cause that's why
these brothers are here.

So give it up
for Carl Strong.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh,

oh, you gotta
put your hands together.

I came a long ways
to be here.

Come on man, shit.

I'm nervous.

Oh shit.

Listen, I got in
here and I... I gotta ask you something.

Do... Do you think you got
enough one-way streets here?

You... I was...

See, I'm not
used to this.

Man, the problem
with your one-way streets is

you can see where
you wanna go.

You just can't
get there.

There it is...
There.

Here the fuck I go.
Wait, I'm coming back,

I'm coming
the fuck back.

No, I got it
this time.

Shut up, I know
where I'm goin'...

There it is...
Oh shit.

What the fuck
happened?

I'm on my way
to Brooklyn now.

I didn't know
where I was... And you got, listen.

You... Y'all highways,

how do y'all
deal with it?

Y'all got that
kind of highways

make you sit in
your car and make you want to get out.

[MIMICS CAR DOOR]

"Fuck it, I'll walk
to where I'm going.

"You think I'm
taking this shit."

I couldn't believe it.
And you got the arrows.

The arrows are for
the stupid people.

Arrows tell
stupid people,

"Come on, you got
to go this way.

"Come on now,
you got to go this way."

You got people here
looking at the arrows

like they
Christmas lights.

Make you want to
get outta your car.

[MIMICS CAR DOOR]

Walk up to their car,

"Scoot your
old ass over.

"Where you wanna go?

"Come on,
I'mma take you.

"I can't use my car,
my car's on fire

"'cause I been
idling behind you

"for a day and a half.

"Put your teeth
back in your mouth."

You got old men
here in the cars,

they just glad
they breathing.

You look at them.

You know I'm
tellin' the truth

you got to roll
your window down.

You can't blow them,
you gotta,

"Go! It's green,
what shade of green are you waiting for?"

And you know
how we are.

I bet white people
freak out when they

see us in the
rear-view mirror.

Don't go when
that light turn green.

What will we do?

[MOUTHING]

We just freak out.

And I've been stopped
all over the country.

Illinois state
troopers drive around

six in a car like
they a hockey team.

Get out with
bazookas and shit,

automatic weapons,
if you black.

"Get out the car,

"how could you put
so many black people in one car?

"You packed in
there like Haitians.

"Get your ass
out of there.

"Frank, put that donut down.
Get your fat ass out here."

You never know.

Anybody been
through Georgia?

I was going down
through Georgia.

I was going... And
my car got scared before I did.

And you know
Georgia state troopers,

when they pull out on you,

they pull out on you.

You don't even know,

it's just...

[VOCALIZING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[VOCALIZING]

[SLOWLY] "My man,
I'd like you to get out of your vehicle.

"Right now, brother.

"Take that shower cap
off your fucking head.

"That's why you're
speeding, son,

"your brain
can't breathe."

Thank you!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Another round
of applause.

Well, we have
someone you love

that's getting ready
to come to the stage.

'Cause she's here again,
I think it's her third time.

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Oh yeah.

Uh-huh, I hear
the ladies out there clapping.

You know who
I'm talkin' about, don't you?

That's right.

One of the funniest
young women out there, I think so.

Give it up for my
girl, Adele Givens.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up, New York?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Baby got back, huh?

I want to thank
Russell Simmons, first off.

I gotta thank Russell
for bringing me back

to Russell Simmons'
Def Comedy Jam.

Thanks a lot, Russell.

Gotta thank HBO for
having us black again.

You know, we
gotta come black.

When you're real
they like that shit,

that's what it is.
And I'm a real woman.

How many real ladies
in the house tonight?

Make some noise.

That's right, fake bitch,
you can leave right now.

The fake ho has
got to go in '93.

Fellas, you heard
that shit, didn't you?

That's what y'all
got to look forward to in 1993.

We tired of that
fake bitch

'cause she got
y'all confused.

God, y'all don't know
what the fuck to say to a real woman in 1993.

Just say any
old stupid shit.

Last time I came
to New York,

man, a stupid motherfucker
at the airport walked up to me talkin' about,

"Hey girl, how you doin'?
Where you from?"

I said, "I'm
from Chicago."

He like, "Who you with?"
I said, "I'm by my goddamn self."

And he was shocked y'all.

"Girl, you came all the way
to New York by yourself? You came by yourself?"

You know, like
it's so unusual

for a real lady
to come by herself.

Like, he must
have been talkin' to the fake bitch.

He don't know about us.

Fellas, y'all gotta
learn about us ladies in the '90s.

You gotta learn
about us.

Y'all don't know
enough about us.

Y'all don't even know
what a pap smear is.

I'm tellin' you, I told
my man I'm going to get a pap smear, he like,

"Yeah, bring me one,
no mustard."

[LAUGHTER]

Y'all gotta learn
something about us, fellas.

Fake bitch gotcha
and fake bitches everywhere, ladies.

Fake bitches are
every... My sister, fake bitch.

I'm not lyin',
35 years old.

Faker than a motherfucker.

Think she know
all there is to know about a man

just 'cause she
been married for 15 years, you know.

Give the bitch a few
drinks and she give you advice, you know.

We sittin' at the card table
playing cards last week

and yeah, the bitch done
got drunk again, you know.

"Oh baby sister, come here,
let me tell you something.

"You know big sister
ain't gonna tell you nothing wrong.

"Let me tell
you something.

"I've been
married 15 years.

"If my husband
come home on payday,

"it's late and he broke,
he ain't gettin no pussy."

Fake bitch,
bless her heart. She don't know.

I said, "Let me tell
you somethin', sister.

"If your husband come
home on payday,

"it's late
and he broke,

"he done had
some pussy."

All right, look baby,
you ain't gotta do nothin' else for his ass tonight.

Give him a bottle
and a blanket and tuck his ass in, okay?

I'm sick and tired
of people saying what a lady

can and can't do
and can and can't say.

I feel like this.
Hey, if a women can suck your dick,

then damn it,
she can talk about it.

I'm sick of that
double standard.

And fellas, y'all
do a whole lot of nasty shit yourself.

So don't be lookin'
at me like I'm crazy.

I know you sit
your ass at home in front of the TV

with your hands
on your balls and the remote control.

Switch that
motherfucker every 15 minutes,

you know.

I know what you do.

And evidence, y'all
love a big ass.

When I walked out here
and turned around,

that's evidence
right there.

You love a big ass.

Ladies, I don't
give a fuck how ugly you is,

if your ass big,
you in the house!

You could be fucked up.
Bitch could be...

Bitch could have
an eye right here

in the middle of her
motherfuckin' forehead.

She got a big ass,
somebody gonna hit that bitch.

And his boys gonna
be fuckin' with him,

"Yo man, you didn't
hit the three-eyed bitch, did you?"

"Shh, be quiet,
here she come."

Yo, but she
got a big ass though, dog."

It's all right! And you
fellas, one thing I don't understand.

Y'all won't admit
to oral sex for shit.

Won't admit knowing
goddamn well,

behind closed doors
y'all wearing thighs like ear muffs.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Five thousand,
J. Peace.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Adele Givens.

Give that girl a
one-night stand.

Very, very
funny woman.

Now, this is the part where
we done did I don't know how many times.

And if you read this shit,
I'm gonna kill you.

Come on up here,
Russell Simmons.

Man made a deposit
in your bedroom.

Put it down,
put it down.

What do you gotta
say to the people?

Thanks for coming out.
God bless you, good night.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0