All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s03e02.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons Def Comedy Jam.

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together

for my main man,
Mr. Martin Lawrence.

AUDIENCE: Go, Martin.
Go, Martin. Go, Martin.

Go, Martin. Go, Martin.

Go, Martin. Go, Martin.

Go, Martin. Go, Martin.
Go, Martin. Go, Martin. Go, Martin...

Yeah! Yeah![AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

The fuck
I'm talkin' about!

Yeah!

You motherfuckers
are fired up! What's up?

They thought I wasn't
comin' back, shit.

Now, don't sit there
and try to look cool and shit like,

"I don't give a fuck
who you are.

"You understand?
Put some money in my

"motherfuckin' pockets."

What's your name, man?Hobo Scratch.

Who?Hobo Scratch.

"Hobo Scratch"?Yeah.

You got a girlfriend, man?[INAUDIBLE]

Man, you better
get another name. You don't call nobody's house,

"Can I speak to Tina?"

"Yes, can I tell her
who's calling?"

"Hobo Scratch."

That shit
don't mix, man.

Darren. You're
Darren now, all right?

Motherfuckin' Darren. That's
your thief name, Darren.

What's up, man?

All right. Shit gettin'
a little fucked-up up in here.

I know you want dreads
to grow, but right now something's not...

Like a Chia Pet-type shit.

It's not...
it's not flowing,

it's not...

[CHUCKLES]

I'm fuckin'
with you, man.

Just fuckin'
with you, yeah.

[LAUGHS]

I feel good, though,
y'all, I feel good.

I mean, thanks
to all you guys.

How y'all doing up there?
I ain't forgot about y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Give Kid Capri

a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Motherfucker blew up,
didn't he?

He's arrogant now.

I said,
"Hello, Kid Capri,"

"Ha, I'll see you
on the set."

You've changed, man.

I go back to the old days
with the rappers,

I'm a... You know,
I invented that shit, man.

Run-D.M.C.,
those was the boys, you know?

But y'all some
cold fans sometimes.

Y'all do rap boys bad.

If you're goin'
to support 'em, support 'em always

'cause these brothers
workin' hard,

they get stayin'
out the street.

No, 'cause you know,
I was in Atlanta,

you know,
and I saw Moe Dee.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Remember... Remember
a couple of years ago? Moe Dee was the shit.

So, I'm in Atlanta
with a Kris Kross jacket on,

confused like a motherfucker.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Continue to support
these brothers, y'all.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm telling you,
I must be doing well.

I met Michael Jackson.

He wanted to meet me, y'all.

That shit tripped me out.

You know,
I was like every brother in this motherfucker,

I was like, you know,
'cause I thought I'll never meet Michael Jackson.

And you know,
I was like, "Fuck, no one give a fuck

"about no motherfuckin'
Michael Jackson.

"I mean, he was bad
when he was doin' ABC and all of that shit,

"you know, but fuck him
other than that."

Soon as they came
to me and said,

"Michael wants to meet you."
I said, "Michael who?"

"Michael Jackson."

"Shit."

I was like a little bitch,
walkin' into Michael's room, "Uh...

"How you doin', Michael?

"Let me feel your nose.
Oh, my God!

"Oh, my God."

Ah! [CHUCKLES]

But that's a fact,
he a bad motherfuckin' boy, though.

Ain't nothin' changed, y'all.

But I'm havin' fun.

And these comics
are comin' out here

'cause you know we present
all the best young comics

out here, you know
what I'm sayin'?

So if anybody tell you
they ain't out here, that's bullshit,

'cause these brothers
are working hard for you.

These are guys you don't see
on Evening at Improv or Comic Strip Live

'cause they don't want you
to believe they're out here.

But these motherfuckers
here tonight on the Def Jam,

this is where we,
as black comedians,

come together
and unite as one.

On the motherfuckin' Def Jam.

We grab our dicks,
we do everything

on the Def Jam.

So y'all ready
to have a good time?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!Let me hear you say it, huh?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!Now louder
than that.

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Yeah, that's what the fuck
I'm talkin' about!

Yo, comin' to the stage,

this is a woman,

and she gonna come out here
and get crazy for y'all.

Yo, please,
she's from Los Angeles,

give it up
for Sheryl Underwood.

How y'all doin'?

All right, all the ladies
out there, I got a question for the ladies.

Clap if you think this is
bull-motherfuckin'-shit.

A motherfucker
buy you one drink at the club,

and he think he get to be
with your ass all night.

Clap if you think
that's bullshit.

Isn't that bullshit?
That's bullshit!

'Cause two drinks
might get your dick sucked,

but one drink
ain't gonna get you shit.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]You know what I'm sayin?

I'm here to tell you,
goddamn it.

'Cause I'm a bitch
that loves to fuck, you know what I'm sayin'.

I love to fuck
'cause you know what?

My legs be open so much,
my IUD pick up cable channels, goddamn it.

'Cause I just gotta
piss on that, you know.

Fuck that, fuck that shit,
you know what I'm sayin'?

You know what I'm saying?
Matter of fact,

anybody fuckin' a married man

besides me out there,
raise your hand, goddamn it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, I'll fuck your man.

If you let me in your house,
I'll fuck your man.

I'm tellin' you,
don't let...

Ladies, don't let a bitch
in your house.

Mama, grandma,
auntie, niece,

Jehovah Witness, Avon lady,

don't let a bitch
in your house.

'Cause when
you got a fine man, what the bitch try to do?

Get in your house
and meet that motherfucker.

Don't let a bitch in.

If she say, "Girl, I just
want to bring back them brown shoes I borrowed,"

I go, "Bitch, throw them
in the yard and keep rolling, goddamn it."

Don't let a bitch
in your house.

Don't let her in

'cause I got caught
in the bed with my best girlfriend, Peaches.

My best girlfriend,
I got caught in the bed with her man.

The bitch gonna
get mad at me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Talkin' about,
"Sheryl, what you doin'?"

I said, "Bitch,
I'm trying to help you.

"Nigga said if he don't
get no pussy soon, he gonna leave your ass."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I'm a motherfuckin' friend
to the end, goddamn it.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

You know what I'm sayin'?

I'm a friend 'til
the motherfuckin' end.

I'll tell you what,
I'm fuckin'.

I love to fuck.
I love to fuck more than I love to eat.

If you put a dick
between two slices of bread, you got me!

You know what I'm sayin'?

I love to fuck.

Manwich ain't nothin'
but a sandwich,

but a dick, hey, that's more
like a meal, goddamn it.

And I'm an easy bitch,

but you know what?

You gotta start
jackin' these motherfuckers off, ladies.

For real, 'cause I was
jackin' this motherfucker off

over at the DJ booth,
you know?

'Cause I wanted
my intro to be right, you know?

And I was workin'
this motherfucker

like G.I. Joe with
the kung-fu grip, you know?

And the motherfucker
came so fast,

if a dick had a bullet in it,
I would have been shot, goddamn it.

You know what I'm sayin'?

But you know what? Fellas,

y'all gotta start eating
that pussy, though.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

That's right, clap.

You got to start
eating that pussy.

You got to lick it
before you stick it, goddamn it.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

You gotta start
eatin' that pussy.

Ladies, if you
with a motherfucker

that don't eat your pussy,
I'd like to offer my condolences.

'Cause your pussy dead,
you know what I'm sayin'?

Any motherfucker,
you got to start eating pussy 'cause you know what?

A motherfucker
ate my pussy so good up there in the dressing room...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

...that I got in my car,

drove back to Arkansas
on a fourth of a tank of gas,

and slapped my mama

'cause the bitch didn't
tell me it was gonna feel that goddamn good.

I broke the bitch's jaw.

Bet she'll tell the truth
next time, goddamn it.

But you know what,
you know what?

I know I'm gonna
lose some of you ladies.

You gotta start
suckin' that dick.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND HOOTING]

You know what I'm sayin'?
You gotta suck that motherfucker.

You know, we gots to start,

you know... Hey, I'll suck
a motherfuckin' dick. Look,

sucking dick makes
your teeth crooked. Look... Look at this.

I'll suck
a motherfucker's dick.

You know what I'm sayin'?

But you got...
This is what you gotta do.

Listen to me now.
Ladies, ladies,

don't just suck dick
for sport, you know?

Get paid while you're sucking
that motherfuckin' dick, you know?

This what you do.
You suck that motherfuckin' dick,

and right when
he get ready to cum, you pull back.

And you know
he gonna ask you that question,

"What's wrong, girl?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's when you go,
"Damn, I forgot to pay my motherfuckin' phone bill."

That motherfucker'll
write you a check,

"What's the amount?
Where's it go?"

You know what I'm sayin'?

God's might to
my fraternity brothers in blue and white.

My name is Sheryl, peace.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Damn! Give her
a round of applause.

She's funny as hell.

[CHUCKLES]

Huh?

Uh, no, not yet.
Wait, hold up.

She suck a dick
so good, damn.

Don't do that shit.

Y'all talkin' about that shit,

brother gettin' ready to come
and y'all let go.

I'm gonna tell you,
you let go of me, it's all up in here.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND LAUGHING]

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Very, very funny woman.

And I know people
that are watchin' say,

"Yes, her mouth, she's blue,"
or whatever, but fuck that.

The girl is funny.

Give her another
round of applause.

You're gonna hear
a lot from her, watch.

Comin' to the stage
from my hometown,

and very funny,
we used to work out together

back when I started comedy.

A very funny boy from
Baltimore, Maryland,

and he's now right on
Saturday Night Live,

give it up
for Warren Hutcherson.

Wassup?

How y'all doin'? Peace.

[INDISTINCT REPLYING]

Um...

Bet y'all expectin' me to
do magic or somethin', right?

See, I... I come
from a strange background.

My, uh...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

From the South originally,
my father's a Muslim.

And my... Look how quiet
everybody got. "Oh."

Oh, that's all right, then.

Father's a Muslim,
my grandmother's a born-again Christian

so, you know.

It was a wild thing
goin' on in my childhood.

You know, in 1969, my father
joined the Nation of Islam,

which was cool for him,
but basically just fucked me out of all of the holidays.

'Cause I was six years old

and you don't understand
that when you're six.

And my grandmother
wasn't tryin' to help me understand it either,

she just freaked out.

"The baby can't have
no Christmas?

"What you mean that child
can't have a Christmas?

"It's Christmastime."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Oh, no, baby,
you come over here.

"I don't care what your
father's doin',

"I'm takin' you
to see Santa Claus."

My grandmother's taking me
to see Santa. I sit on Santa's lap,

"So what do you want
for Christmas, little boy?" My father's in the corner,

"Tell him you want
your freedom!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"You got some freedom
in that bag, fat man?"

You know?

And I was six, you know,

I was like, "Well, I thought
I wanted some Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, but...

"Guess I want some freedom,
Santa, 'cause, uh,

"the bad boy over
here is runnin' my life."

I didn't know.

You don't know
when you're six.

You know, my father's job,

he was goin' around finding
plots against the black race.

No matter how cleverly hidden,
he could find it.

My father would find plots
in a grocery store.

Walk through the store
pointin' at things, "Look at this, son!

"You got to ask
yourself questions.

"Ask yourself, 'Why must I
be cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?'

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Did black cereal
make you crazy?

"You see the Frosted Flakes,
they're white, 'They're great!'

"You see?

"Cocoa Puffs make you nutty.

"I don't understand now.

"You see,
that's just regular rice,

"but it's black so they
call it 'wild rice.'"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What's so wild about it?

"Is it jumpin' off the shelf,
hittin' old ladies in the head?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"I don't think so."

So I grew up with that.

I go home now,
you know, it's like a little holy war goin' on

in the house.
My grandmother's still a...

My grandma...
But my grandma's crazy, she's 92 years old,

I'm an only child,

she wants to see me married.

You know how grandmothers are.

Ninety-two, she gives
me advice on how to pick up women.

Told me, and it's all like,
"Go to church, baby,

"that's what you need to do,
go up there to that church.

"It's a lot a good girls
up at the church."

My grandmother wants me
to work the church.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know? Use the church
to pick up women, that's wrong, ain't it?

Walkin' through the church,
"Hey, how you doin'?

"Excuse me for a second.
Praise the Lord! Look..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I ain't here for that.

"What you readin'?

"Oh, yeah, I read that,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

"That guy comes back in
there and it's pretty wild."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Look, I'm gonna go
over there and get some of this wine, um...

"Wine and crackers,
right over here in the corner, you want some?"

That's what Granny wants.

They all want somethin',
you know.

The grandparents,
I have uncles, they all...

Like my father,
when I go home, he makes me watch tapes.

I had to watch this tape
with this guy Tom Metzger.

You ever seen him,
Tom Metzger?

King of the
white supremacists.

You should be aware
of this man, he is an idiot.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

He is.

You know.
And not only is he an idiot,

he is... He's funny.

You know, his whole thing...
I saw him on a talk show once.

Somebody stood up and said,
"Uh, Mr. Metzger,

"what makes you think
you're superior to all people of color?"

"Well, look at all the things
white people have invented.

"We invented the airplane,
we invented the telephone, we..." You know,

he said "we" like white people
had a caucus somewhere.

Like they got together
and said,

"You know genetically,
any one of us can do this,

"but, uh..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"To save time, Bell,
why don't you put a phone together?

"You two Wright brothers
put a plane together,

"somethin' in
your spare time, anything."

It don't make sense.

Basically, what he's sayin'
is the whole tenet,

whole premise
of white supremacy

is if somebody from your race
does somethin',

then you're magically endowed
with the same ability.

It's hogwash, you see.

Because if it's true,
I'd like to see Mr. Metzger have a heart attack,

you know, 'cause, you know,
the first man to perform open heart surgery was black.

So, you know...

As he had his attack,

I could just sort of walk
through the crowd, "Excuse me,

"excuse me,
you wanna back up, please?

"Give this man some room."

"Are you a doctor?"
"No,

"but I am black."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"And me and this busboy here

"are the only two people
that can save this man's life.

"Hand me the steak knife,
porter, let's go to work.

"That's all we could do."

Hey, y'all, be good
to each other.

Thanks a lot for listening
to me, I'm outta here.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah.

I ain't commentin' on Go...

Give my man Warren
another round of applause.

Yo, comin' to the stage,

I think the brother should
have been on the show a long time ago,

a very funny brother.
And you probably seen him in Mo' Money,

and he's from here, New York.

Give it up
for my man, Garfield.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

What's up?

Yo man,
deal with me man.

I just got off
some laryngitis, y'all,

and my voice
is fucked up right now.

But I'm gonna work though,

I'm gonna work!

Tryin' to lose some weight,
y'all, but I'm glad I held out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'm serious, man,
this is the size of the '90s,

my weight caught up
with the fuckin' times.

Women will confirm this,
y'all don't want any real, real, real skinny men

these days, do y'all?

WOMAN: Never!Hell, no, you don't,

not with this AIDS
and this crack thing goin' on around the country.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Bisexuals sneakin' into
the clubs, tryin' to blend in.

Girls go into clubs now
with a different attitude.

"Don't you look at him, girl,
he too skinny."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Might be dangerous.

"No, and he's too skinny.

"Shit, he wanna date me,
he better show me some old photos, okay?

"I wanna see just how long
his ass been skinny.

"All right?" [CHUCKLES]

"No, and he's too skinny."
And I'm over there and my big ass

way in the back of the room
with a plate of buffalo wings, right?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND CHEERING]

They're like, "But ooh,
look at that nice fat one back there.

"That's what I'm talkin'
about, mmm, look at him.

"He is so chubby."

"Damn, he don't need no condom
with me, girl."

"I know his fat ass is safe,
look at him."

[CHUCKLES]

She's like,
"No girl, he's mine.

"Fat boy!

"Fat boy!

"Damn, quick, give me
a chicken wing. Fat boy!"

I'm like, "Yo, who's that,
what's your name, girl?" [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

Here's some news I want
to share with you

real quick,
ladies and gentlemen.

Three weeks ago,
my wife gave birth to my very first child,

I'm a happy man right now.

Thank you, thank you.

Boy or a girl? Both,
I had a faggot, thank you.

No.

No.

[CHUCKLES]

That'd be fucked up.

[MIMICS BABY CRYING]

"Get that titty away from me,
I want Daddy to feed me."

No.

That's messed up, right?

No, man, I'm happy.
Eleven pounds, four ounces, what's up?

Homegirl's like,
"She all right?"

Yo, I was in
the delivery room, y'all,

I watched the whole thing,
man. I'm in there going...

[WHIMPERS]

The doctor was like,
"You're happy, aren't you?"

I'm like, "No, man!
Look at the pussy, man.

"It's ruined!

"Eleven-four, I can't
follow that shit, man."

At nine-and-a-half,
you should have knew

the motherfucker
wasn't coming out.

You can imagine, they got it
going on inside there, man.

They have everything they need
inside the placenta.

They sittin' back,
I know he was like,

"Ha ha, whoo! Come and
get me, goddamn it.

"I got it going on,
waterbed..."

[LAUGHS]

"Cable, I ain't comin' out."

My name is Garfield,
peace, thank you very much.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Give him another
round of applause.

Yo, comin' to the stage,

what I say about
this young brother, when I met him, I mean,

this brother has
a real good personality.

He's a cool young brother.

He was on here last time
and he rocked.

You know what I'm sayin'?
And this is one of the brothers

I think in the future, really,

you're goin' to see
a lot of him.

I think the kid's
gonna blow up

because he has his own style
and very, very funny, so that helps.

He's from Atlanta,
but he lives in L.A. now.

Yo, give it up for my man,
Chris Tucker.

What's up, man?

This motherfucker.

Pissed off, man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I am.

Motherfuckin' Mama
calling me for Christmas,

wantin' a Christmas gift
and shit.

Always want
something.

Say, "Mama, why the fuck
every time you call, you always want somethin'?

"Why the fuck
we can't just talk?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"You know I ain't got
no money," I told her. I said, "I'm broke.

"Broke as a motherfucker."

I'm so broke,
if a nigga robbed me,

he'll just be practicing.

"Nigga, why don't you
get a job?" "Fuck you!

"I didn't get nothing
but pictures and shit, damn."

It's fucked up, man,
it ain't funny.

You can't even be a thief
no more. Everybody's a thief.

Other day I robbed a store,
came back out, a nigga done stole my car.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

Damn! Can't have shit no more.

Police arrested me,
"Look, man, I know I robbed that motherfuckin' store,

"but somebody stole
my goddamn car, man."

Damn!

I'm sittin' in jail
with the motherfucker, didn't even know it.

I'm like, "What you
in here for, homes?"

"Oh, some dumb motherfucker
didn't put no oil in his car."

I said, "The guy
was gettin' some!

"Damn, went and gotta ask on
the day you robbed him!"

"Nigga, I didn't know.

"You was robbin' the store?"

It's fucked up, man.

And when I need money,
I'll rob a motherfucker in a minute,

I don't care, I'll rob 'em,
I don't care.

I robbed
so many motherfuckers,

one time I made a mistake
and robbed my mama.

I said, "Lady, put your
goddamn hands up, put 'em up!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

"Gimme your purse,
gimme your purse.

"What you doin'
with my brother's pictures in your pocketbook?"

"Chris!"
"Mama, damn! I'm sorry, damn!"

"You shouldn't
have been walkin' down that dark street, man.

"You let that shit go,
Mama, damn."

She gonna take me to court.

"Mama, I gave you
your purse back, damn."

And I hate ridin'
with motherfuckers,

I gotta get friends with cars.
I don't have a car.

Hate waitin' on
motherfuckers', man.

I hate waitin' on people.

You ever have somebody
call you,

tell you they on their way,

you call 'em back
and them niggas still at home?

"Nigga, you said you
was on your way, man."

"Nigga, my clothes
in the dryer, man, damn."

"Nigga, we gonna be late."

And you be mad
as a motherfucker till he get there,

you be happy as
a motherfucker, "You punk-ass nigga,

"always late, always late.

"Oh nigga, what's up?
T-nigga, let's get outta here, nigga."

"Let's get on these hos,
nigga, we late, nigga."

And he got that one light,
so everybody comin' out with that one light,

you think it's him, like
"Oh, there go T, there go T, oh no, that ain't T.

"Oh, there go T,
there go T, no, that ain't T."

It's fucked up.

And y'all women, y'all play
too goddamn much,

y'all play too much. Too much.

Y'all know y'all play around
with the pussy too much.

I'm serious.

I took a girl out
for like two weeks.

She wouldn't give me none.

So I took her to court.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I went up to the
judge and he say she had to give me pussy by the eighth.

I had a lawyer and everything.
"Did you promise him the pussy, ma'am?

"I said bitch, did you
promise him the pussy?

"No further questions,
that bitch is lyin', Your Honor, she's lyin'."

They put me on the stand.
"Mr. Tucker, did she promise you the pussy, man?"

I said, "Yeah,
she promised me the pussy.

"I got empty McDonald's cups
in the back seat of my car.

"That bitch owe me, man.

"I'll fuck her right now
in the courtroom, move this shit outta the way."

She knew I was gonna win, too.

Tried to settle
out of court, too, said,

"I'll suck your dick
if you drop all the charges."

Said, "No, ah, no."

Peace out, I'm Chris Tucker,
peace out.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Clever, funny shit,
young brother.

Give him another
round of applause, you're gonna hear a lot from Chris.

Now it's the time

I bring my man upstage,
Russell Simmons,

come on up here,
made it possible.

Thank you for coming out.
God bless you, good night.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

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