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00:00:06,963 --> 00:00:10,183
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:10,227 --> 00:00:13,357
KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons Def Comedy Jam.
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00:00:20,933 --> 00:00:23,203
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:00:34,295 --> 00:00:35,725
KID CAPRI:
Ladies and gentlemen,
5
00:00:35,774 --> 00:00:38,824
put your hands together
for my main man,
6
00:00:38,864 --> 00:00:43,094
Mr. Martin Lawrence!
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00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:44,520
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:01:04,716 --> 00:01:05,846
Ho!
9
00:01:05,891 --> 00:01:08,161
Wassup?[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:01:08,198 --> 00:01:11,418
Motherfucking right!
My man, Kid Capri.
11
00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:13,462
Give him a round
of applause 'cause we're back!
12
00:01:13,508 --> 00:01:16,028
[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
13
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,116
Hey! All right.
Not you, baby.
14
00:01:18,165 --> 00:01:19,815
No, I'm gonna get
to you in a minute.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
15
00:01:19,862 --> 00:01:21,472
I see an old
jungle-fever couple.
16
00:01:21,516 --> 00:01:24,866
Hi. How you doing?
All right.
17
00:01:24,910 --> 00:01:27,220
You look like a mafia
motherfucker or something.
18
00:01:27,261 --> 00:01:28,911
"No, fuck that..."
19
00:01:28,958 --> 00:01:30,658
You guys, that's your lady?
20
00:01:30,699 --> 00:01:33,009
Wow. So you've
been catching hell for years, huh?
21
00:01:33,049 --> 00:01:34,309
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
22
00:01:34,355 --> 00:01:36,135
[CHUCKLES] How you doin'?
23
00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:37,533
I ain't going
to fuck with you, man,
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'cause you might get
some people on me.
25
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I show up in this
motherfucker with half a hand.
26
00:01:41,362 --> 00:01:43,582
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
27
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I had a rough year
last year.
28
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I fucked with the wrong
person, but I'm back.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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All right.
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How you guys doin'
over there? All right.
32
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Cool, man. Y'all are
some dedicated fans
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00:01:55,941 --> 00:01:58,211
because y'all come
out and support this fucking show, man.
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And it's been doin'
well, y'all!
35
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Def Jamis all that!
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00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:02,821
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
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Yeah.
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Hey baby.
How you doin'?
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All right.All right. This your friend?
He look nervous.
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[CHUCKLES] I ain't gonna
fuck with you, man!
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What's your name, man?
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00:02:17,615 --> 00:02:19,265
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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That's your name?
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00:02:22,359 --> 00:02:24,009
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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What is your name?
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What is your name?
47
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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[MUMBLING GIBBERISH]
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What you shy, is it?
50
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Huh? What's your name, man?
51
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I want to know,
man, 'cause that's what we gotta do.
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Brothers, we gotta
rap to each other, man. Wassup?
53
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Mike.Your name Mike?
How you livin', Mike?
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You cool? What you do
for a livin', Mike?
55
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Stealin', huh?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
56
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,054
Mike be walkin'
in the stores and shit like this...
57
00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:57,438
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
58
00:03:01,137 --> 00:03:04,047
"What you want,
a red one?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:03:04,096 --> 00:03:05,876
[CHUCKLES]
"This gonna be hard."
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No, I'm fucking.
Is this your girl, Mike?
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Man, New York got
some slammin'... Well, women everywhere,
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but y'all some fine
motherfuckers, ladies.
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Y'all know it, too.
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[SCATTERED LAUGH]
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Who you laughin' at?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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You're fine.
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Sure. 'Cause you're
Nubian sisters, you know what I'm sayin'.
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00:03:25,770 --> 00:03:28,600
Big titties, just...[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:03:28,643 --> 00:03:31,823
Know what I'm sayin'?
Africa, that's why I love my African sister.
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00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:33,783
You know?
In Africa and shit,
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you know, we was there,
y'all. This was us.
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In Africa, we was chillin'.
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You know, walkin' around
butt-naked. We wasn't afraid of our bodies.
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You know, we got over
in America, they told us we gotta cover our shit up.
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Ladies, I'm gonna go
back to Africa.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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Pull all your titties
out right now.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:03:55,278 --> 00:03:56,798
I know some of y'all ain't
gonna pull your shit out
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'cause you look like raisins.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:03:59,630 --> 00:04:02,420
Yo, girl! [CHUCKLES]
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00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:05,939
You ever gettin' ready to go
to bed with a girl whose titties look like raisins...
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00:04:05,984 --> 00:04:07,774
But you don't want
to make her feel bad
84
00:04:07,812 --> 00:04:09,862
so you lick the
motherfuckers anyway?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
85
00:04:19,824 --> 00:04:21,874
You... 'Cause you
can't grab the whole hand, you gotta...
86
00:04:21,913 --> 00:04:23,183
Two fingers.
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00:04:25,787 --> 00:04:27,397
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
88
00:04:28,703 --> 00:04:30,183
Aw, shit!
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Got your ass now!
90
00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:34,320
[CHUCKLES]
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00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:36,711
'Cause I'm
a nipple man myself.
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You don't have to have much
titties, just a nipple.
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So, yo!
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00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:43,889
You make sure y'all
keep the energy going for these brothers.
95
00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:46,065
This is a lot of young
talent out there.
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00:04:46,111 --> 00:04:48,381
If anybody ever tell you
young black comedians ain't happening,
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00:04:48,418 --> 00:04:50,508
that's bullshit.
'Cause you see them right here
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00:04:50,551 --> 00:04:52,421
on the motherfuckin'
Def Jam.
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00:04:52,466 --> 00:04:54,076
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
100
00:04:54,119 --> 00:04:55,209
Yeah!
101
00:04:57,209 --> 00:04:59,259
Coming to the stage
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from your hometown,
from New York City
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00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,480
give it up for
my man, Faceman.
104
00:05:06,175 --> 00:05:08,695
[MUSIC PLAYING]
105
00:05:08,743 --> 00:05:10,793
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
106
00:05:12,399 --> 00:05:15,179
Faceman is in the house!
107
00:05:16,272 --> 00:05:17,672
Wassup, my black people!
108
00:05:17,708 --> 00:05:19,278
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
109
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,409
The Faceman is in the house!
110
00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:24,411
Right now though, we
gonna talk about some things that we hear about,
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but we never see.
112
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:29,366
Some things
that we hear about, but we never see.
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My brother,
have you ever seen
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the serial number on
a condom?
115
00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:36,641
No?
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00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:38,514
I guess you don't
roll it back that far.
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00:05:38,555 --> 00:05:40,855
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:05:40,905 --> 00:05:43,905
Things you hear about,
but you never see.
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00:05:43,952 --> 00:05:45,912
And you got so close.
120
00:05:48,304 --> 00:05:50,794
Things you hear about.
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00:05:50,828 --> 00:05:54,138
Do blind people see
their dreams
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00:05:54,179 --> 00:05:55,959
or do they dream
about seein'?
123
00:05:58,270 --> 00:06:00,880
Can kids in wheelchairs
run away from home?
124
00:06:00,925 --> 00:06:03,055
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
125
00:06:03,101 --> 00:06:05,321
And if they do, shouldn't
they be called "roll-aways"?
126
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:08,055
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
127
00:06:08,106 --> 00:06:10,406
Do people with no arms
need deodorant?
128
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:15,422
Can someone with
no fingers point me in the right direction?
129
00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:17,462
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
130
00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:20,547
Can girls with extensions
make free phone calls?
131
00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:22,207
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
132
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:34,090
Hello? Hello? Hello?
133
00:06:34,132 --> 00:06:36,052
I want my fuckin'
quarter back!
134
00:06:36,091 --> 00:06:37,531
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
135
00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:44,097
Doesn't Al Sharpton
look like Morris Day with a thyroid problem?
136
00:06:44,142 --> 00:06:46,882
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
137
00:06:46,928 --> 00:06:50,758
And do people with
dyslexia wipe their ass first, then shit?
138
00:06:50,801 --> 00:06:53,111
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
139
00:06:53,151 --> 00:06:56,201
Can someone with no
eyebrows be surprised?
140
00:06:56,241 --> 00:06:57,941
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
141
00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:02,200
MAN: Yeah, yeah!
142
00:07:02,247 --> 00:07:05,637
Yeah, yeah! Can
someone with no legs...Yeah, yeah.
143
00:07:05,686 --> 00:07:07,116
...put their
best foot forward?
144
00:07:07,165 --> 00:07:09,035
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
145
00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:11,210
This is shit I just be
thinkin' about in the comfort of my own home.
146
00:07:11,256 --> 00:07:13,686
Things you hear about,
but you never see.
147
00:07:13,737 --> 00:07:15,607
Why do deer run out
on the highway
148
00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:17,392
and freeze when they
see headlights?
149
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,737
Do they think they
takin' pictures?
150
00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:21,216
[IMITATES CAMERA CLICK][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
151
00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:23,266
What kind of shit is that?
152
00:07:23,312 --> 00:07:25,972
I got something that
we hear about, but we never see. Fathers.
153
00:07:28,491 --> 00:07:29,841
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
154
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,152
Fathers.
155
00:07:34,192 --> 00:07:36,632
What a foul holiday
that is, Father's Day.
156
00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:38,723
The day you celebrate
the man you never met
157
00:07:38,762 --> 00:07:41,502
that looks just like
you that knew your mother very well.
158
00:07:41,548 --> 00:07:43,328
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
159
00:07:43,375 --> 00:07:45,765
But Mother's Day should be
every day of the year.
160
00:07:45,813 --> 00:07:48,693
Can I get a hand for that?[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
161
00:07:48,729 --> 00:07:51,169
But... But...[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
162
00:07:51,209 --> 00:07:53,859
How many of you mothers
are still here with your baby's fathers?
163
00:07:54,691 --> 00:07:56,211
See, not too many.
164
00:07:56,258 --> 00:07:58,298
That's why we need
a holiday for guys like me,
165
00:07:58,347 --> 00:08:00,827
motherfuckers.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
166
00:08:00,871 --> 00:08:02,611
"Happy Motherfuckers' Day,
motherfucker!"
167
00:08:02,656 --> 00:08:04,656
"Happy Motherfuckers'
Day to you too, motherfucker!"
168
00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:06,791
"Where you going?:
"I'm going to fuck your mother."
169
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:09,054
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
170
00:08:09,097 --> 00:08:10,747
But my black people,
171
00:08:10,794 --> 00:08:12,754
we have to learn
how to treat these black women.
172
00:08:12,796 --> 00:08:15,626
And first of all, you treat
a black woman with respect.
173
00:08:15,669 --> 00:08:19,539
Is that right? Respect![AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
174
00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:21,846
'Cause I don't understand
why a lot of you brothers
175
00:08:21,892 --> 00:08:24,552
go around
hittin' your girlfriends.
176
00:08:24,591 --> 00:08:26,111
Why you want
to hit your girlfriend
177
00:08:26,157 --> 00:08:28,117
so she walkin' down
the street with a black eye.
178
00:08:28,159 --> 00:08:29,899
That's foul, so money...
179
00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:31,694
Next time your girlfriend
does something wrong
180
00:08:31,728 --> 00:08:34,038
you don't hit her.
You hit her best friend,
181
00:08:34,078 --> 00:08:35,468
'cause you know her
best friend was with her
182
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:36,945
when she did that foul
shit to you.
183
00:08:36,994 --> 00:08:38,954
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
184
00:08:40,084 --> 00:08:41,484
"What?
You cheated on me?
185
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,131
"Who was you with?
Who was you with?"
186
00:08:43,174 --> 00:08:45,574
Pow![AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
187
00:08:45,612 --> 00:08:47,312
You go out with her again,
see what you get.
188
00:08:47,352 --> 00:08:49,352
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
189
00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:51,878
Number two, my second
most important rule.
190
00:08:51,922 --> 00:08:53,582
Fellas, I don't care how
cockteaser you are,
191
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,540
how much money you make,
what type of car you drivin',
192
00:08:55,578 --> 00:08:58,058
you got to
eat the pussy.WOMAN: Yeah!
193
00:08:58,102 --> 00:09:00,062
See... See,
see...[CHEERS]
194
00:09:00,104 --> 00:09:02,154
See, see, see, see.
195
00:09:02,193 --> 00:09:04,723
I see a lot of you brothers
tighten up your lips, you know what I'm sayin'?
196
00:09:04,761 --> 00:09:06,681
You don't like to eat
the pussy. You...
197
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,290
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
198
00:09:09,157 --> 00:09:12,067
"I'm on a diet."
199
00:09:12,116 --> 00:09:14,896
"Face smell like
dirty pussy taste, pussy nasty..."
200
00:09:14,945 --> 00:09:17,165
Shut up, shut up,
shut up, you punks!
201
00:09:17,208 --> 00:09:19,648
And throw the
duck sauce on the pussy!
202
00:09:19,689 --> 00:09:21,649
I know we got
the duck sauce?
203
00:09:21,691 --> 00:09:23,611
Who got the duck sauce?
Aw, yeah!
204
00:09:23,650 --> 00:09:26,040
Have some duck sauce.
All right.
205
00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:28,257
Before I roll out of
here though...
206
00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:31,046
Before I roll out of
here though, I'm feelin' kind of sexy.
207
00:09:31,092 --> 00:09:34,792
And I got one last
thing that you hear about, but you never see.
208
00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:36,835
My boy told me he
got his girl
209
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:38,800
pregnant by accident.
210
00:09:38,839 --> 00:09:41,319
How the fuck you get somebody
pregnant by accident?
211
00:09:41,363 --> 00:09:42,933
I ain't never
tripped in no pussy.
212
00:09:44,496 --> 00:09:46,796
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
213
00:09:46,847 --> 00:09:48,537
Are you all right?
Oh, I'm sorry.
214
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,978
Oh, God. Oh!
215
00:09:51,025 --> 00:09:52,895
Oh, my goodness!
216
00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:54,640
Before I get out of here,
I want y'all to know
217
00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:57,251
I'm the Faceman
and I love y'all
218
00:09:57,292 --> 00:10:02,122
and I got my own
business. It's called Faceman Enterpussies.
219
00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:05,166
You got a pussy,
we comin' in.
220
00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:07,003
Good night y'all! Thanks![AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
221
00:10:09,696 --> 00:10:11,786
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
222
00:10:19,140 --> 00:10:21,320
Faceman with the enter...
223
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:23,139
Faceman and the pussy,
remember this.
224
00:10:23,187 --> 00:10:24,227
Who is this for?
225
00:10:25,668 --> 00:10:28,238
This pussy juice?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
226
00:10:28,279 --> 00:10:31,149
They... They baggin'
pussy juice now?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
227
00:10:31,195 --> 00:10:32,845
Yo, give me a bag of
this, please?
228
00:10:34,764 --> 00:10:38,204
Excuse me, Eduardo,
throw that right down there.
229
00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:44,341
Yeah, support his business
though, Faceman Enterpussies.
230
00:10:44,382 --> 00:10:47,042
You gonna support that?
You better support it.
231
00:10:49,779 --> 00:10:51,689
[SPEAKING SEDUCTIVE GIBBERISH]
232
00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:54,827
Okay. Yo!
233
00:10:54,871 --> 00:10:56,871
Yo... [CHUCKLES]
234
00:10:56,917 --> 00:10:59,747
If he don't do
nothing else, he look wild,
235
00:10:59,789 --> 00:11:02,569
this boy. And I met him
earlier and he's a really good guy
236
00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:05,488
but I know you're
going to enjoy him 'cause the boy is bugged out.
237
00:11:05,534 --> 00:11:07,014
And he's from
Brooklyn, New York,
238
00:11:07,057 --> 00:11:09,627
straight from
the motherfuckin' projects.
239
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,889
Yo, give it up
for Tracey Morgan.
240
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:16,409
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
241
00:11:29,079 --> 00:11:33,609
What up? There's
a lot of niggas in the house!
242
00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:35,735
Wassup, fly nigga?
243
00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:38,222
Wassup?
That's a fly shirt, too.
244
00:11:38,262 --> 00:11:39,662
It's a fly shirt.
245
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:40,999
They make 'em
for men?
246
00:11:41,048 --> 00:11:43,398
[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND LAUGHS]
247
00:11:43,441 --> 00:11:45,751
No, I'm just playin'.
Where you get it from, Bob Hope?
248
00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:48,752
Bob threw it
out and you hoped it fit?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
249
00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:50,225
You ain't bad, nigga!
250
00:11:50,274 --> 00:11:52,764
I'll push your shit!
251
00:11:52,799 --> 00:11:54,759
Yo, my shit is straight out
the projects.
252
00:11:54,801 --> 00:11:58,331
What's up? How many
niggas here are from the projects anyway?
253
00:11:58,369 --> 00:12:00,019
I knew y'all niggas
was from the projects.
254
00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:02,977
I smelled y'all stank
motherfuckers when you came in.
255
00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:05,506
Yeah, you motherfucker.
You wearing that new project cologne
256
00:12:05,550 --> 00:12:08,380
called Back Staircase.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
257
00:12:08,423 --> 00:12:12,303
And your girl wearing
a perfume called Pissy Elevator.
258
00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:15,260
And y'all wash up
with a bubble bath called Cheese Doodoo.
259
00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:18,039
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]Light on the cheese
and heavy on the doodoo.
260
00:12:19,651 --> 00:12:21,311
No, I'm serious, man!
261
00:12:21,349 --> 00:12:22,919
Livin' in the projects
is rough!
262
00:12:22,959 --> 00:12:24,869
And one thing about
the projects, you know
263
00:12:24,918 --> 00:12:28,268
is if a Puerto Rican family
live on your floor.
264
00:12:28,312 --> 00:12:32,622
Right, Mami?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
265
00:12:32,664 --> 00:12:34,934
You could smell the niggas
soon as you get out the elevator.
266
00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:36,631
What you smell?
Garlic.
267
00:12:36,668 --> 00:12:38,628
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]Paprika.
268
00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:41,670
Adobo.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
269
00:12:46,461 --> 00:12:48,421
I'm serious.
270
00:12:48,463 --> 00:12:51,643
How many motherfuckers
got cable TV?
271
00:12:51,683 --> 00:12:53,773
Y'all seen that
Michael Jackson concert?
272
00:12:53,816 --> 00:12:55,946
Michael is a bad
motherfucker.
273
00:12:55,992 --> 00:12:58,652
And in that concert,
he proved how bad he was
274
00:12:58,690 --> 00:13:01,520
'cause he had hardcore niggas
faintin' at his concert.
275
00:13:01,563 --> 00:13:03,833
Hardcore niggas like you.
276
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:05,520
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
277
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:08,527
Hardcore nigga.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
278
00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:11,440
EPMD.
I'm serious, man.
279
00:13:11,486 --> 00:13:13,836
Niggas standin'
there like this, mean as a motherfucker.
280
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:16,800
"Fuck somebody up."
281
00:13:16,839 --> 00:13:20,059
Michael Jackson come on
the stage, all the bitches cum and niggas just drop.
282
00:13:20,103 --> 00:13:21,843
Niggas standin' there
like this.
283
00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:24,718
Michael come on stage,
niggas just drop. "Ah..."
284
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,980
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
285
00:13:28,024 --> 00:13:31,774
Serious man, Michael is
a bad motherfucker, man.
286
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,381
Like a mother.
287
00:13:34,291 --> 00:13:36,081
I like sports, man.
288
00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:38,909
Sports is the shit.
I like track and field.
289
00:13:38,948 --> 00:13:41,818
Track and field...
The hurdles? You be seein' them niggas doin' the hurdles?
290
00:13:41,864 --> 00:13:45,434
But it seem like them
niggas turn gay after they cross the finish line, right?
291
00:13:45,476 --> 00:13:47,086
You see them niggas at
the startin' line.
292
00:13:47,130 --> 00:13:49,870
They be havin' muscles,
chest, arms, legs, pow!
293
00:13:49,916 --> 00:13:53,176
Them niggas be at the
startin' line. "Gentlemen, take your mark."
294
00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:55,403
"Shit." Pow!
295
00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:59,233
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
296
00:13:59,273 --> 00:14:01,883
Ahh! Ahh!
297
00:14:01,928 --> 00:14:04,018
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
298
00:14:16,943 --> 00:14:18,253
Dude look like
a motherfucker.
299
00:14:20,598 --> 00:14:24,038
Serious, y'all. I'm about
to get out of here. But check it out.
300
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,690
Imagine if Michael Jackson
was from the projects.
301
00:14:27,736 --> 00:14:31,906
Imagine if he wouldn't
have never got the 21 nose jobs.
302
00:14:31,958 --> 00:14:35,918
Imagine if Michael Jackson
started drinkin' Crazy Horse.
303
00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:37,962
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
304
00:14:38,007 --> 00:14:40,177
Y'all want to see my
version of Michael Jackson from the projects?
305
00:14:40,227 --> 00:14:41,617
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
306
00:14:41,663 --> 00:14:43,013
All right. Hit me off, DJ!
307
00:14:43,795 --> 00:14:45,705
[MUSIC PLAYS]
308
00:15:24,314 --> 00:15:26,144
My name is Tracey Morgan.
309
00:15:26,186 --> 00:15:27,966
Peace! Ma, get better.
310
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:30,974
To Dana, happy birthday.
I'm out of here.
311
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:32,977
[AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS]
312
00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:39,762
Give him a round of applause.
313
00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:50,036
Yeah! My stomach look
like that once.
314
00:15:50,079 --> 00:15:52,729
Give him another round
of applause 'cause that brother's been...
315
00:15:52,777 --> 00:15:55,037
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
316
00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:58,264
He been doin' comedy,
I think, seven months, man.
317
00:15:58,305 --> 00:16:01,995
It takes a lot of guts
to come up here and try to make y'all laugh.
318
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:05,568
Now give... That's why
I say give it up and just show that gut.
319
00:16:05,616 --> 00:16:07,526
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
320
00:16:07,575 --> 00:16:10,005
Would you still
love me if I had a gut like that?
321
00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:11,876
Hmm?
Somebody said no?
322
00:16:11,927 --> 00:16:14,627
You would?
If I was just a fat, nasty... Just...
323
00:16:14,669 --> 00:16:16,319
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
324
00:16:16,366 --> 00:16:18,456
Just layin' on you
every night...
325
00:16:18,499 --> 00:16:20,019
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
326
00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:21,626
Would you still love me?
327
00:16:21,676 --> 00:16:24,156
That must be a fucked-up
feeling, though. Get in shape.
328
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:25,990
Take care of your bodies.
329
00:16:26,028 --> 00:16:27,678
That must be a fucked-up
feelin' to have somebody layin' on you
330
00:16:27,725 --> 00:16:30,505
you don't want
on you. Just, "Ugh... Uh...
331
00:16:30,554 --> 00:16:33,344
"I love you, uh..."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
332
00:16:33,383 --> 00:16:37,043
Women like, "I love you
too, motherfucker."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
333
00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:39,173
Get your shit in shape.
All right.
334
00:16:39,215 --> 00:16:41,905
Coming to the stage
from Chicago.
335
00:16:41,957 --> 00:16:45,047
Wassup Chicago?
Always been good to me. Love ya.
336
00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:46,531
Coming to the stage...
337
00:16:46,570 --> 00:16:49,050
No, they...
Man, Chicago's all that. Yo!
338
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:52,045
Please welcome
Daniel Gardner. Give it up.
339
00:16:52,098 --> 00:16:54,008
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
340
00:16:58,713 --> 00:17:00,543
Wassup, wassup, wassup.[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
341
00:17:00,584 --> 00:17:04,724
Check it out. I want
to make a proclamation on national television.
342
00:17:04,762 --> 00:17:07,112
I proclaim that '93 is
the year that the black man
343
00:17:07,156 --> 00:17:08,936
gets paid in the
United States of America.
344
00:17:08,984 --> 00:17:10,774
Give it up for me
if you agree, goddamn it. Yeah!
345
00:17:10,812 --> 00:17:15,732
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah![AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
346
00:17:15,773 --> 00:17:18,733
'Cause I was poorer
than a motherfucker in '92, y'all.
347
00:17:18,776 --> 00:17:21,476
Let me ask you a question.
Y'all together, y'all tight?
348
00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:23,348
Brother man,
let me ask you a question.
349
00:17:23,390 --> 00:17:27,090
Does she, you know,
on maybe Saturday, Sunday morning,
350
00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:29,963
wake you up early
and ask you to go to the store
351
00:17:30,005 --> 00:17:31,655
for, let's say, some
352
00:17:31,702 --> 00:17:33,622
feminine effects, maybe?
353
00:17:33,661 --> 00:17:37,401
Pads, brother, pads.
You know what I'm sayin'? Pads.
354
00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:39,577
I'm serious, man. A lot
of comedians talk about their women
355
00:17:39,623 --> 00:17:41,233
askin' them to go to the store
and go get them some pads.
356
00:17:41,277 --> 00:17:43,147
I never find that
to be real funny,
357
00:17:43,192 --> 00:17:45,062
until about, like,
two weeks ago.
358
00:17:45,107 --> 00:17:46,847
My woman woke
me up, asked me to go to the store
359
00:17:46,891 --> 00:17:48,761
and get her some
pads, but I figured, yo, I'm a man.
360
00:17:48,806 --> 00:17:52,246
I'm like, "Yo! I'm here
for some pads! Yo, where the pads at?"
361
00:17:52,288 --> 00:17:53,988
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
362
00:17:54,029 --> 00:17:56,419
"Where the pads, yo?"
363
00:17:56,466 --> 00:17:58,466
You know, and I went
and got the pads,
364
00:17:58,512 --> 00:18:00,212
you know, but after
a while the store started getting crowded
365
00:18:00,253 --> 00:18:02,733
and I figure, like any
normal adult male
366
00:18:02,777 --> 00:18:05,427
with a box of new freedom
extra absorbent up under his arm...
367
00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:07,165
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
368
00:18:07,216 --> 00:18:09,256
I started to get
a little embarrassed, you know?
369
00:18:09,305 --> 00:18:11,305
Until I went to the
check-out line
370
00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:13,831
and there was a guy
that checked out two spots in front of me.
371
00:18:13,875 --> 00:18:15,745
And get this,
he was checkin' out...
372
00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:18,660
Two bags of diapers,
two cases of formula,
373
00:18:18,706 --> 00:18:20,356
a case of baby food.
374
00:18:20,403 --> 00:18:22,453
He had a box
of bibs, booties,
375
00:18:22,492 --> 00:18:25,712
bonnets and bottles with
the nipples on them.
376
00:18:25,756 --> 00:18:27,536
He had some
diaper rash ointment,
377
00:18:27,584 --> 00:18:31,204
a teething ring,
a rattle, and a "I love Daddy" t-shirt.
378
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,200
Right about then I couldn't
be no more happier
379
00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:35,382
to be buying pads
for my woman in all my life.
380
00:18:35,418 --> 00:18:37,198
You know what I'm sayin'![AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
381
00:18:38,856 --> 00:18:40,726
'Cause as long as she
need these pads,
382
00:18:40,771 --> 00:18:42,731
I ain't goin' to be at
the store in nine months
383
00:18:42,773 --> 00:18:44,953
like that motherfucker,
you know what I'm sayin'.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
384
00:18:45,689 --> 00:18:48,389
Not me. Not me.
385
00:18:48,431 --> 00:18:51,831
'Cause I already got
two bad-ass kids, I don't want no more.
386
00:18:51,869 --> 00:18:53,869
What's wrong with
kids today?
387
00:18:53,915 --> 00:18:55,915
My kids come up to me,
ask me for something, I tell them, "No."
388
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,830
They start behaving
like crackheads around the house, you know?
389
00:18:58,876 --> 00:19:02,136
Pookie, from New Jack City,
all the way.
390
00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:04,974
I'm serious, my shortie
come up to me, she try to catch me on the sly.
391
00:19:05,013 --> 00:19:06,413
She be like,
392
00:19:06,449 --> 00:19:09,629
"Yo, Pop, man.
Yo, Pop.
393
00:19:09,670 --> 00:19:11,540
"Wassup with some
candy for a nigga, man?
394
00:19:11,585 --> 00:19:14,675
"Wassup with some
candy for a nigga!" [IMITATES GIGGLE]
395
00:19:14,718 --> 00:19:17,978
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
396
00:19:18,026 --> 00:19:19,636
I'm like, "You
can't have no candy, goddamn it.
397
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:21,940
"I told you too many times
don't ask me twice."
398
00:19:21,986 --> 00:19:25,376
[IMITATES SOBS]
"But I want some candy!"
399
00:19:25,425 --> 00:19:28,515
"They be callin' me Pop, man.
They be callin' me that!
400
00:19:28,558 --> 00:19:30,728
"They just be callin'
me, man!
401
00:19:30,778 --> 00:19:34,518
"I can't kick it, man.
They be callin' me, man!
402
00:19:34,564 --> 00:19:37,224
"Now and Later, wine candy,
anything, man.
403
00:19:37,263 --> 00:19:38,743
"They just be
callin' me, man."
404
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,750
I swear, man,
kids is bad as hell today.
405
00:19:43,791 --> 00:19:45,271
Crazy thing.
Man, check it out.
406
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:47,404
I was getting dressed
to come over here, man,
407
00:19:47,447 --> 00:19:50,007
and I'm checkin'
out television. Copscame on TV.
408
00:19:50,058 --> 00:19:52,968
Is this the most fucked-up
show on TV or what?
409
00:19:53,017 --> 00:19:55,057
'Cause before, they told
us we wasn't shit through
410
00:19:55,106 --> 00:19:57,326
the newspaper
and the TV.
411
00:19:57,370 --> 00:20:00,240
Now they got a whole
30 minutes of us getting arrested all the goddamn time.
412
00:20:00,286 --> 00:20:02,636
Tripped me out, too.
The thing that pisses me off about Cops
413
00:20:02,679 --> 00:20:05,329
is the big differential in the
behavior of the white folks
414
00:20:05,378 --> 00:20:07,898
they arrest and the black
folks they arrest on Cops.
415
00:20:07,945 --> 00:20:10,335
First of all, whenever
they arrest a white person on Cops,
416
00:20:10,383 --> 00:20:12,563
he usually got all his
clothes on.
417
00:20:12,602 --> 00:20:14,212
'Cause they always
pushin' the butt-naked
418
00:20:14,256 --> 00:20:17,256
black motherfucker
in the back seat, ain't they?
419
00:20:17,303 --> 00:20:20,003
The thing that
trips me out, man, white folks
420
00:20:20,044 --> 00:20:23,274
deny guilt all the way to
the police station.
421
00:20:23,309 --> 00:20:24,699
Black folks
do the same thing
422
00:20:24,745 --> 00:20:26,915
until they find out they
filming Copsthat day,
423
00:20:26,964 --> 00:20:29,494
and you know how black
people act in front of the camera, you know that.
424
00:20:29,532 --> 00:20:32,192
They be like,
"Yo, money, man! No, no, no! I'm innocent, man!
425
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:33,801
"It's just a racist system
designed to squash
426
00:20:33,841 --> 00:20:35,931
"my black race through
organized terrorism, man!
427
00:20:35,973 --> 00:20:39,153
"Yo, man! Get
off me, man!
428
00:20:39,194 --> 00:20:41,154
"Aw, shit?
429
00:20:41,196 --> 00:20:43,976
"Yo, money! They filmin'
Cops,man! Hell, no!
430
00:20:44,025 --> 00:20:46,195
"Hey yo, before
I get arrested I want to send a shout-out
431
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:47,505
"to my man Bliz in Brooklyn.
432
00:20:47,550 --> 00:20:49,290
"Yo, I'm on TV, boy!
433
00:20:50,988 --> 00:20:52,858
"Yo, am I gettin' paid
for this shit, man?"
434
00:20:54,165 --> 00:20:56,515
I'm out. Daniel Gardner.
435
00:20:56,559 --> 00:20:58,469
[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
436
00:21:04,698 --> 00:21:06,868
Now, comin' to the stage,
this is my man
437
00:21:06,917 --> 00:21:09,787
because when I first started,
I used to go, "Chris was the man in DC."
438
00:21:09,833 --> 00:21:11,573
And I used to go to comedy
clubs, watch him and go,
439
00:21:11,618 --> 00:21:13,318
"Oh, man.
This brother is funny."
440
00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:16,099
He's a bad brother
and he's the mayor of Rap City.
441
00:21:16,144 --> 00:21:19,414
So yo, give it
up for my man, Chris Thomas.
442
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,499
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
443
00:21:31,377 --> 00:21:32,807
Wow.
444
00:21:32,856 --> 00:21:35,156
Some nice fine ladies
here in New York, too.
445
00:21:35,206 --> 00:21:38,036
Nice, fine asses.
Nice, big old smelly asses, yes!
446
00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:42,342
I'm was scared
of women, period.
447
00:21:42,388 --> 00:21:44,218
I'm scared. Ever
since what happened to Mike Tyson I'm scared.
448
00:21:44,259 --> 00:21:46,439
I went to...
Recently went to Indiana to visit him.
449
00:21:46,479 --> 00:21:48,869
He told me to tell everybody
that the inmates are behind him all the way.
450
00:21:48,916 --> 00:21:50,476
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
451
00:21:57,403 --> 00:21:59,493
I'm afraid though, man.
452
00:21:59,535 --> 00:22:01,575
That shit could happen
to anybody. Anybody could be charged of rape.
453
00:22:01,624 --> 00:22:04,114
It could have happened to
some of the greatest stars in America.
454
00:22:04,148 --> 00:22:05,928
Could have happened
to Muhammad Ali.
455
00:22:05,976 --> 00:22:08,106
I sure hope not.
456
00:22:08,152 --> 00:22:09,722
I'd hate to see Ali on trial.
457
00:22:12,418 --> 00:22:14,678
"Muhammad, take the stand."
458
00:22:14,724 --> 00:22:16,384
[GRUNTS]
459
00:22:16,422 --> 00:22:18,512
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
460
00:22:18,554 --> 00:22:20,384
"What happened, Ali?
461
00:22:20,426 --> 00:22:21,906
"You plead guilty
or not guilty?"
462
00:22:21,949 --> 00:22:23,989
[GRUNTS]
463
00:22:24,038 --> 00:22:26,388
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
464
00:22:26,432 --> 00:22:27,822
"What happened, champ?"
465
00:22:27,868 --> 00:22:29,608
[GRUNTS]
466
00:22:29,652 --> 00:22:31,702
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
467
00:22:34,091 --> 00:22:36,221
Suppose that shit was
Sidney Poitier.
468
00:22:36,267 --> 00:22:39,097
"Mr. Poitier, take the stand."
469
00:22:39,140 --> 00:22:40,710
"I will..."
470
00:22:40,750 --> 00:22:42,970
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
471
00:22:45,276 --> 00:22:47,796
"Mr. Poitier, you plead
guilty or not guilty?"
472
00:22:47,844 --> 00:22:49,894
"I plead not guilty."
473
00:22:49,933 --> 00:22:51,633
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
474
00:22:54,851 --> 00:22:56,901
Suppose that shit
was James Earl Jones.
475
00:22:56,940 --> 00:22:58,990
"Mr. Jones, take the stand.
Do you plead guilty or not guilty?"
476
00:22:59,029 --> 00:23:00,989
"Suppose I told you
I plead not guilty."
477
00:23:01,031 --> 00:23:03,251
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
478
00:23:08,474 --> 00:23:10,434
Suppose it was Richard Pryor.
"Richard Pryor, take the stand."
479
00:23:10,476 --> 00:23:12,386
"You plead guilty?"
"Shit, I plead guilty."
480
00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:14,524
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
481
00:23:14,567 --> 00:23:18,007
"What happened, Richard?"
"Shit, I don't know what the fuck happened.
482
00:23:18,048 --> 00:23:20,268
"I told the bitch I wanted
some pussy."
483
00:23:20,311 --> 00:23:22,011
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
484
00:23:22,052 --> 00:23:23,402
"She didn't give me
no pussy...
485
00:23:23,445 --> 00:23:26,265
"And I... I took it.
486
00:23:27,623 --> 00:23:30,583
"That shit
was good, too."
487
00:23:30,626 --> 00:23:33,056
Suppose it was Robin Leach
from the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.
488
00:23:33,107 --> 00:23:34,627
"Robin Leach, do you plead
guilty or not guilty?"
489
00:23:34,674 --> 00:23:37,294
"I plead not guilty."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
490
00:23:37,328 --> 00:23:38,808
"Well, what happened Robin?"
491
00:23:38,852 --> 00:23:40,462
"Well I told I wanted some
booty and I took it,
492
00:23:40,506 --> 00:23:42,936
"it was 14 karat gold."
493
00:23:42,986 --> 00:23:45,026
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
494
00:23:49,123 --> 00:23:52,613
I don't want some
booty, give me some motherfuckin' head.
495
00:23:52,648 --> 00:23:54,218
I had a girl went
down on me the other day.
496
00:23:54,258 --> 00:23:56,298
I hate women that
have teeth.
497
00:23:56,347 --> 00:23:57,737
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
498
00:24:03,267 --> 00:24:07,137
I had one girl,
was suckin' my shit, right.
499
00:24:07,184 --> 00:24:09,274
All, every last tooth hit it.
500
00:24:09,317 --> 00:24:10,617
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
501
00:24:10,666 --> 00:24:13,186
And she didn't want
to spit it out.
502
00:24:13,234 --> 00:24:15,374
I'm hittin' the end of
the throat...
503
00:24:15,410 --> 00:24:17,020
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
504
00:24:26,552 --> 00:24:29,212
I hate ladies that do it
and look at you while they are doing it.
505
00:24:29,250 --> 00:24:31,340
I don't know what
to say to them.
506
00:24:31,382 --> 00:24:33,472
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS]
507
00:24:45,396 --> 00:24:47,566
Ladies, I've been down.
508
00:24:51,185 --> 00:24:55,445
I don't go down anymore.
Fucked around and got a bad one. [CHUCKLES]
509
00:24:58,714 --> 00:25:01,544
Oh, that shit smell bad![AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
510
00:25:01,587 --> 00:25:03,717
Smelled so bad,
my eyes popped sockets.
511
00:25:03,763 --> 00:25:06,853
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
512
00:25:06,896 --> 00:25:08,766
Smell so bad, I don't even
talk any foreign languages,
513
00:25:08,811 --> 00:25:10,811
I went down
and I was just kissing it. [IMITATES KISS]
514
00:25:10,857 --> 00:25:13,857
Came up talking French,
"Oui, oui!"
515
00:25:13,903 --> 00:25:16,173
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
516
00:25:16,210 --> 00:25:19,520
[IN FRENCH ACCENT]
Excuse me, your booty smell like the Chicken of the Sea.
517
00:25:19,561 --> 00:25:21,351
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
518
00:25:21,389 --> 00:25:24,309
Homegirl talkin',
"Well, tell them Charlie sent ya!"
519
00:25:25,611 --> 00:25:27,531
My name is Chris Thomas.
Peace out.
520
00:25:29,353 --> 00:25:31,753
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
521
00:25:37,100 --> 00:25:38,360
Thank you, Martin.
522
00:25:38,406 --> 00:25:40,576
Yo, keep it
up for Chris.
523
00:25:40,626 --> 00:25:43,146
My man, Russell.
524
00:25:45,631 --> 00:25:48,591
Man, it comes to the part
of the show
525
00:25:48,634 --> 00:25:51,334
where we want to thank
the fans, you, 'cause without you
526
00:25:51,375 --> 00:25:54,895
there is no us, and let
me bring Scoopy up. Come on, Scoopy.
527
00:25:54,944 --> 00:25:56,344
Come on, man.
528
00:25:56,380 --> 00:25:57,990
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
529
00:25:58,034 --> 00:26:00,344
Come on up here, Scoop.
530
00:26:00,384 --> 00:26:02,264
What's up, man?
531
00:26:02,299 --> 00:26:04,519
Thank y'all for coming
out. God bless you and good night.
532
00:26:05,607 --> 00:26:07,957
[MUSIC PLAYING]
533
00:26:08,001 --> 00:26:09,791
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
534
00:26:09,841 --> 00:26:14,391
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