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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,702 --> 00:00:10,232 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING][CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 2 00:00:10,271 --> 00:00:13,801 KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons'Def Comedy Jam. 3 00:00:13,839 --> 00:00:16,189 [CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 4 00:00:35,687 --> 00:00:41,217 And now, your host, Martin Lawrence! 5 00:00:50,615 --> 00:00:54,575 AUDIENCE: Go Martin! Go Martin! Go Martin! 6 00:00:54,619 --> 00:01:01,369 Go Martin! Go Martin! Go Martin! Go Martin! 7 00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:07,109 Go Martin! Go Martin! Go Martin! Go Martin! 8 00:01:07,154 --> 00:01:10,594 Thank you! Thank you! 9 00:01:12,855 --> 00:01:14,195 Thank you! 10 00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:16,902 Thank you very much. 11 00:01:20,036 --> 00:01:22,386 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 12 00:01:22,430 --> 00:01:25,780 No, I'm not messin' with anyone. 13 00:01:25,824 --> 00:01:30,004 Y'all like, "Damn!" Y'all face was like... 14 00:01:30,046 --> 00:01:32,436 Hey, how you doin'? The older brother sittin' there in the middle. 15 00:01:32,483 --> 00:01:33,703 How you doin', man? 16 00:01:33,745 --> 00:01:35,695 Got the beard, got the little... 17 00:01:35,747 --> 00:01:38,317 I don't know what the color that shit is, yellow jacket on. 18 00:01:38,359 --> 00:01:40,399 How you doin'? You been around. I like you. 19 00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:42,928 You's just got that look like you've been around, huh? 20 00:01:42,972 --> 00:01:44,152 How old are you, man? 21 00:01:44,191 --> 00:01:45,411 Fifty-five! 22 00:01:45,453 --> 00:01:46,503 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 23 00:01:46,541 --> 00:01:48,671 Fifty-five years old! 24 00:01:48,717 --> 00:01:51,497 Don't you love old people? You got to respect them, man. Don't you? 25 00:01:51,546 --> 00:01:52,896 They see you dancin' and shit, 26 00:01:52,938 --> 00:01:54,718 "What that dance you doin' there boy?" 27 00:01:54,766 --> 00:01:57,546 "Aw, shit. That ain't the scrawl. That's all that is." 28 00:01:57,595 --> 00:01:59,815 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 29 00:01:59,858 --> 00:02:01,638 "That's all that is. 30 00:02:01,686 --> 00:02:05,296 "You ain't doin' no shit we ain't done." 31 00:02:05,342 --> 00:02:07,172 You look like a very... You know, like, you go to church? 32 00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:08,744 Do you go to church a lot? 33 00:02:08,780 --> 00:02:10,960 All right. It's all right. Church all right, man. 34 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,180 Go to church, man. Be there. 35 00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:14,790 You know? I'm... I'm with it. 36 00:02:14,830 --> 00:02:16,180 I got baptized when I was young. 37 00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:17,573 There is some phony preachers out there. 38 00:02:17,615 --> 00:02:19,615 I hope we can get them out the church, 39 00:02:19,661 --> 00:02:21,451 because you know, that's messed up. You know what I'm sayin'? 40 00:02:21,489 --> 00:02:23,269 That's messed up. 41 00:02:23,317 --> 00:02:25,967 They gettin' your money and shit. That's not right. 42 00:02:26,015 --> 00:02:27,625 And I think somebody set me up in church 43 00:02:27,669 --> 00:02:29,579 'cause when I was baptized, they... You know... 44 00:02:29,627 --> 00:02:30,977 You know how you get the Holy Ghost? 45 00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:34,020 [MURMURING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 46 00:02:34,066 --> 00:02:36,416 You know? 47 00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:39,940 I was baptized. They take you in that water. 48 00:02:39,985 --> 00:02:42,895 And they dip you. And they say when you come up, 49 00:02:42,945 --> 00:02:44,945 you know, you gonna be talkin' in the unknown tongue... 50 00:02:44,990 --> 00:02:47,990 [MUMBLING GIBBERISH] 51 00:02:48,037 --> 00:02:49,337 So I went to get baptized. 52 00:02:49,386 --> 00:02:50,776 They dipped me, came up... I came up... 53 00:02:50,822 --> 00:02:52,392 [MUMBLING GIBBERISH] 54 00:02:52,433 --> 00:02:54,743 "They...you talkin' in the unknown tongue! The..." 55 00:02:54,783 --> 00:02:56,743 Fuck you, man! That water's cold as shit! 56 00:02:56,785 --> 00:02:58,435 [LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 57 00:02:58,482 --> 00:03:00,142 [IMITATING TEETH CHATTERING] 58 00:03:01,442 --> 00:03:03,012 Is what the fuck I'm saying. 59 00:03:05,272 --> 00:03:09,062 So go to a real church, people. Okay? 60 00:03:09,101 --> 00:03:12,321 Comin' to the stage, from Los Angeles, California, you know, 'cause... 61 00:03:12,366 --> 00:03:13,716 AUDIENCE MEMBER: Woo, woo, woo! 62 00:03:15,238 --> 00:03:18,018 Two motherfuckers, "Woo, woo, woo!" 63 00:03:18,067 --> 00:03:20,237 Coming to the stage, from Los Angeles, California. 64 00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:21,807 I know you're going to enjoy him, so give it up for 65 00:03:21,853 --> 00:03:23,033 Brandon Bowlin. 66 00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:24,942 [APPLAUSE] 67 00:03:27,729 --> 00:03:29,909 [CHEERING] 68 00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:38,739 New York, what up? 69 00:03:38,783 --> 00:03:40,223 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 70 00:03:40,263 --> 00:03:43,963 Good to see you all in this motherfucker. 71 00:03:44,006 --> 00:03:47,046 In the house! Straight out from L.A. Man, I'm glad y'all... 72 00:03:47,096 --> 00:03:48,656 Happy to see all these brothers and sisters. 73 00:03:48,706 --> 00:03:50,966 Damn, y'all make me feel good! 74 00:03:51,013 --> 00:03:52,283 'Cause we was out there gettin' buck nutty 75 00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:54,669 for a couple weeks, weren't we? 76 00:03:54,712 --> 00:03:56,802 Straight up, man. It was crazy. 77 00:03:56,845 --> 00:03:58,535 Now, that news was comin' out. It was nothing but brothers lootin'. 78 00:03:58,586 --> 00:04:00,106 Man, everybody was lootin'. 79 00:04:00,152 --> 00:04:01,892 Everybody was doin' that. Everybody. 80 00:04:01,937 --> 00:04:04,287 White people were lootin'. 81 00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:05,771 Trying to say stuff in the hood so they wouldn't get their ass kicked and shit. 82 00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:06,990 Messin' up their words. 83 00:04:07,029 --> 00:04:08,599 [PANTING] 84 00:04:08,639 --> 00:04:10,079 Hey...hey! You can't touch me. 85 00:04:10,119 --> 00:04:11,119 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 86 00:04:17,169 --> 00:04:19,649 Tryin' to jump in out of it. You know what I'm talking about? 87 00:04:19,694 --> 00:04:22,134 See, but they can do that because of the messages that people send out. 88 00:04:22,174 --> 00:04:23,964 You know, some of our brothers and sisters, they losin'. 89 00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:25,922 They send those messages like Michael Jackson. 90 00:04:25,961 --> 00:04:28,181 Black or white. Ain't that a bitch? 91 00:04:28,224 --> 00:04:31,624 See, when you got $3 billion you can be ambiguous about that shit, right? 92 00:04:31,662 --> 00:04:34,012 Right? When you broke, you black as a motherfucker. 93 00:04:34,056 --> 00:04:36,146 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 94 00:04:39,017 --> 00:04:41,587 Keep those things at the back of our minds, though. Y'know what I'm saying? 95 00:04:41,629 --> 00:04:43,499 'Cause I remember when I was a little kid, 96 00:04:43,544 --> 00:04:45,114 that shit was, you know, teachers would, those little, small things. 97 00:04:45,154 --> 00:04:46,554 Little biased things, you know? 98 00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:48,720 Teachers be in the class, "Johnny? Johnny? 99 00:04:48,766 --> 00:04:51,676 "If Suzy had four apples and she gave me two, how many would she have? 100 00:04:51,726 --> 00:04:56,026 "Two, right. Brandon, if Shaquiqua, the jungle bunny, 101 00:04:56,078 --> 00:05:00,428 "had 15 watermelons and gave me five..." 102 00:05:00,474 --> 00:05:02,654 Then I break on her, right, like I had Tourette's. You know? 103 00:05:02,693 --> 00:05:04,963 I walk up there. I be like, "Uh... Bitch! Bitch! 104 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,350 "Slut! Slut! 105 00:05:07,698 --> 00:05:10,608 "White devil! White devil! 106 00:05:10,658 --> 00:05:12,138 "Murderer! Murderer!" 107 00:05:19,231 --> 00:05:21,231 Right? 108 00:05:21,277 --> 00:05:22,967 'Cause the little things in the back of our mind, little things. 109 00:05:23,018 --> 00:05:24,978 Like, okay, we're the only people to take a derogatory word 110 00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:26,890 and make it fraternal, right? 111 00:05:26,935 --> 00:05:28,235 Like the word, "Nigga." You know what I'm talkin' about? 112 00:05:28,284 --> 00:05:29,374 The word nigga. We get excited, 113 00:05:29,416 --> 00:05:31,326 "Nigga! Wassup, nigga? Nigga, wassup? 114 00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:32,684 "You my nigga! Come here, nigga! 115 00:05:32,723 --> 00:05:34,163 "Sit down, nigga! Man, you my nigga! 116 00:05:34,203 --> 00:05:38,643 "Man, much love! Nigga!" 117 00:05:38,686 --> 00:05:40,596 You don't never see nobody else, like white people, 118 00:05:40,644 --> 00:05:46,044 "Hey! Hey, peckerwood! My peckerwood, come here! My cracker, come here! 119 00:05:46,084 --> 00:05:48,354 "Come here you no dancing bland potato salad cookin' 120 00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:50,441 "thin lipped redneck alabaster glow in the dark skin 121 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:52,180 "son of a bitch! Come here! 122 00:05:52,221 --> 00:05:54,311 "Come on! I love ya!" 123 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:57,054 [LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 124 00:05:59,054 --> 00:06:01,014 It's a big problem. Big problem we have. 125 00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:03,226 Like with our sisters. You know, we got them wearing all this wild shit. 126 00:06:03,275 --> 00:06:05,885 Doesn't it... Look, it took me 19 years to realize this. 127 00:06:05,930 --> 00:06:08,590 There's nothing better for a black man than a black woman. 128 00:06:08,629 --> 00:06:10,329 Nothing. Nothing in this world. That's right. 129 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:14,330 Nothing. Goddamn right! 130 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:17,814 And you know, I tell my white wife every night, I say, "Baby..." 131 00:06:17,855 --> 00:06:19,375 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 132 00:06:24,645 --> 00:06:26,725 No, we give them... We give them this complex. 133 00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:27,997 "Yo, baby. You got it going on. 134 00:06:28,039 --> 00:06:30,259 "You know, you love... I love you, baby, 135 00:06:30,302 --> 00:06:32,262 "but we was makin' love that nappy hair was just hittin' the headboard. 136 00:06:32,304 --> 00:06:33,614 "You took the paint and varnish all off that motherfucker." 137 00:06:34,742 --> 00:06:36,222 Make them do wild stuff. 138 00:06:36,265 --> 00:06:37,745 See, 'cause I want a sister. I want a... 139 00:06:37,788 --> 00:06:41,228 I want a chocolate, chocolate sister. 140 00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:44,880 You know, them big... You know, them big noses? Big Nile noses. 141 00:06:44,926 --> 00:06:46,486 Tilt her head I could see what she's thinking about. 142 00:06:46,536 --> 00:06:47,756 That the type of sister I want. 143 00:06:49,191 --> 00:06:52,241 And big lips! Big, big boomgambi lips. 144 00:06:52,281 --> 00:06:54,721 Lips so big she had to breath through them first before she speaks to me. 145 00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:56,112 [SNORTING] "Hi." 146 00:06:58,287 --> 00:07:00,457 And hell, you know I don't care... I don't care! 147 00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:03,287 I don't care if her hair is down here or if it's all right here. 148 00:07:04,206 --> 00:07:06,116 As long as it's hers! 149 00:07:06,164 --> 00:07:08,254 I went out with a sister and I knew it was her hair 150 00:07:08,297 --> 00:07:10,597 because it was this goddamn long! 151 00:07:10,647 --> 00:07:13,257 And she had curling iron burns all the way across the head. 152 00:07:13,302 --> 00:07:15,172 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 153 00:07:15,217 --> 00:07:16,957 And every mornin' [SCREAMING] 154 00:07:21,223 --> 00:07:22,793 Left the house smellin' like butter. 155 00:07:26,184 --> 00:07:27,884 I went with a sister, strong. That's what I'm talking about, 156 00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:29,485 not just mentally, but physically too. 157 00:07:29,536 --> 00:07:31,446 'Cause I went with a sister, she got... Oh, man! 158 00:07:31,494 --> 00:07:33,324 She was making love... 159 00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:34,925 You know, a man, when you makin' love, you on top, it's your time. 160 00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:36,326 You know, you doin' your groove and she's just... 161 00:07:36,368 --> 00:07:39,108 She just flipped me over. Just... [SCREAMING] 162 00:07:39,154 --> 00:07:40,244 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 163 00:07:40,285 --> 00:07:41,285 And started workin'! 164 00:07:41,330 --> 00:07:44,900 [SHRUGGING] 165 00:07:44,942 --> 00:07:46,202 Took me back to the motherland! 166 00:07:47,075 --> 00:07:49,245 [TALKING GIBBERISH] 167 00:07:51,993 --> 00:07:56,433 She hunkered down and said, "Ah!" And she locked! 168 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:59,906 And she stood up! Now I'm hangin' there, like... 169 00:08:07,008 --> 00:08:09,488 And she start doin' domestic chores, you know. 170 00:08:12,230 --> 00:08:13,800 Let me say something before I leave. 171 00:08:13,841 --> 00:08:16,151 I want to say something because this is very important. 172 00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:18,501 I come out here. A lot of black comics don't get in front of our people much, 173 00:08:18,541 --> 00:08:20,201 so we get out here and grandstand, right? 174 00:08:20,238 --> 00:08:22,018 Now, if I say some things that are a little off, you know, 175 00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:23,806 it's 'cause we don't get to do it a lot. 176 00:08:23,851 --> 00:08:25,721 And I want to let you know, if any people who are off-colored, 177 00:08:25,766 --> 00:08:27,676 not black, Caucasians. 178 00:08:27,724 --> 00:08:29,604 And I, you know, I set you off. I said anything, really, 179 00:08:29,639 --> 00:08:31,289 to set you back or offend you, 180 00:08:31,336 --> 00:08:33,466 I want to let you know I meant every goddamn word of it. 181 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:34,733 [CHEERING] 182 00:08:34,775 --> 00:08:36,335 Change the mind, peace to the body! 183 00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:39,385 [CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 184 00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:49,314 Give him another round of applause, please, because he meant it. 185 00:08:49,354 --> 00:08:50,884 [APPLAUSE] 186 00:08:50,921 --> 00:08:53,361 Meant all that shit. 187 00:08:53,402 --> 00:08:56,672 Okay, now, from Indianapolis, Indiana... 188 00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:57,970 Indiana got it goin' on, 189 00:08:58,015 --> 00:08:59,925 just like all the states that I've been to. 190 00:08:59,974 --> 00:09:02,634 Got it goin' on. I just want to thank you, while I'm here, 191 00:09:02,672 --> 00:09:05,022 the people in your state for comin' out and supportin' me. 192 00:09:05,066 --> 00:09:07,416 I love you. Love you very much. 193 00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:10,159 Okay. And now he's livin' in Los Angeles, 194 00:09:10,201 --> 00:09:13,681 but he's crazy, he's funny. Give it up for my man, T.P. Hearn. 195 00:09:13,727 --> 00:09:15,557 [APPLAUSE] 196 00:09:20,429 --> 00:09:22,079 [SHRIEKS] 197 00:09:22,126 --> 00:09:23,946 How y'all doin'? 198 00:09:23,998 --> 00:09:26,168 I feel good. I feel good, y'all! 199 00:09:26,217 --> 00:09:28,437 I feel good all over. 200 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:29,920 I was at the hotel gettin' dressed. I fucked around, there like Michael. 201 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,610 Touched myself. I feel good! 202 00:09:31,658 --> 00:09:34,178 Yes! Yeah! The world is crazy, y'all. 203 00:09:34,225 --> 00:09:35,965 Some of the shit on in the world. 204 00:09:36,010 --> 00:09:38,320 Let's see, in L.A. they're lootin'. They're lootin'. 205 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:39,970 They're riotin'. They just went nuts. 206 00:09:40,014 --> 00:09:42,064 Niggas in L.A. lost they fuckin' mind. 207 00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:43,893 Just went crazy. Just tore up shit. 208 00:09:43,931 --> 00:09:45,241 I remember the first night it happened. 209 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,460 I came out, y'all. Flames was burnin' 210 00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:49,499 and people was runnin' and stealing and fightin' 211 00:09:49,545 --> 00:09:51,235 I was tryin' to get out the way, 212 00:09:51,286 --> 00:09:52,976 but it was hard to run with all that shit in your hands. 213 00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:55,547 So, I didn't... I'm serious. It was wild, y'all. 214 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,855 Y'all can laugh if y'all want to, but you get a lot of free shit when you're lootin'. 215 00:09:57,901 --> 00:10:01,301 Good shit, too. Color TV. Got a VCR. 216 00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:02,779 I got a lot of shit I didn't even need. 217 00:10:02,819 --> 00:10:04,519 I got 300 candy bars. 218 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:06,740 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 219 00:10:06,780 --> 00:10:09,610 42 boxes of Kotex. I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do with that shit. 220 00:10:09,652 --> 00:10:11,052 I just use them when I meet girls. 221 00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:12,608 "Hi, baby. You need a Tampax, didn't you?" 222 00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:15,395 I don't know. You get a lot of shit, man, lootin'. 223 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,790 The world is crazy, y'all. 224 00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:18,493 There's so much shit goin' on, in it. 225 00:10:18,530 --> 00:10:19,750 Like that man. 226 00:10:19,793 --> 00:10:21,103 I know y'all heard about that man. 227 00:10:21,142 --> 00:10:23,012 That man from Milwaukee ate up them people. 228 00:10:23,057 --> 00:10:24,317 You heard about that shit? 229 00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:26,022 That was some sick shit. Wasn't it? 230 00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:28,280 That man ate... You don't eat people! 231 00:10:29,237 --> 00:10:31,067 Just like pig feet. 232 00:10:31,108 --> 00:10:33,548 Put them in a pot. Pig feet, people feet... Ate them up! 233 00:10:33,589 --> 00:10:36,109 Sick shit! Sick! 234 00:10:37,288 --> 00:10:39,198 You can't trust nobody. 235 00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:40,987 Don't trust your friends. They invite you over their house. 236 00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:42,381 You don't know if they inviting you over for dinner 237 00:10:42,424 --> 00:10:44,384 or if they inviting your ass over for dinner. 238 00:10:44,426 --> 00:10:46,166 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]You don't know! 239 00:10:46,210 --> 00:10:48,470 Don't trust them! Don't trust them! 240 00:10:48,517 --> 00:10:51,517 And they having a trial. Why? They broke in the man's house. 241 00:10:51,563 --> 00:10:54,743 The man had six heads in his frigerator. 242 00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:57,224 Now, you know that gives a whole new meaning to "Want some head?" 243 00:10:57,265 --> 00:11:02,785 Don't it? Don't it? Don't it? Sick shit! 244 00:11:02,836 --> 00:11:04,616 Don't trust nobody. 245 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,324 Whole damn world's going crazy, man. Too much shit. 246 00:11:06,361 --> 00:11:07,751 And then the childrens. 247 00:11:07,797 --> 00:11:09,277 That's a good subject, ain't it? Childrens. 248 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,060 Children, damn it, y'all so silly, childrens. 249 00:11:11,105 --> 00:11:13,185 Little bitty ass people. Childrens. 250 00:11:13,237 --> 00:11:14,537 You got some little children. 251 00:11:14,586 --> 00:11:16,456 Children goin' crazy. 252 00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:18,591 Turning their parents in to the police. It's ridiculous. 253 00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:20,514 You know what you need to do? As soon as you get home tonight. 254 00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:22,329 Beat they ass. Beat they asses! 255 00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:24,897 If you have children, beat their ass. 256 00:11:24,945 --> 00:11:26,335 When you go home tonight, just wake them up. 257 00:11:26,381 --> 00:11:28,561 "Get up, you little fucker. Get up!" Beat them! 258 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:32,340 It ain't gonna hurt 'em! It'll make them better people. I'm tellin' you! 259 00:11:32,387 --> 00:11:34,477 I'm not promoting child abuse, I'm just from the old school. 260 00:11:34,519 --> 00:11:36,869 My parents told me, "Look, I brought your ass here and what?" 261 00:11:36,913 --> 00:11:39,183 We didn't play that shit! Beat your ass. 262 00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:40,790 I love children. I got children. 263 00:11:40,830 --> 00:11:43,010 I got a little son. So be it, I beat his ass every day. 264 00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:44,490 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Every day. 265 00:11:44,529 --> 00:11:46,049 He be like, "Daddy, I ain't done nothing." 266 00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:48,526 You will, and I beat his ass. Beat them! 267 00:11:48,577 --> 00:11:50,057 'Cause they just say shit. They don't mean no harm. 268 00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,580 They just say it. They don't me no harm. 269 00:11:51,623 --> 00:11:53,673 Like, he got me in trouble with his teacher, right? 270 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:56,763 I can't stand her. I hate her. I hate her! 271 00:11:56,803 --> 00:11:59,373 She call my house all the damn time. Called me the other day. 272 00:11:59,414 --> 00:12:01,024 "You know I had to expel your son from school?" 273 00:12:01,068 --> 00:12:02,978 I said, "What did he do?" 274 00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:04,716 "'Cause I asked him to say a word, he said a bad word and explained it." 275 00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:06,507 I said, "Well, what did he say?" 276 00:12:06,551 --> 00:12:07,991 "Well, you ask him. He's on his way home." I said, "Thank you." 277 00:12:08,031 --> 00:12:10,771 Bitch. I hate her. I hate her! 278 00:12:10,817 --> 00:12:12,507 He come boppin' his little ass in the house like this. 279 00:12:12,557 --> 00:12:14,727 I said, "Hey! Come here. Come here, damn it! 280 00:12:14,777 --> 00:12:16,687 "What you do? I ain't do nothin'. Yes you did. What did you do? 281 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,216 "'Cause that bitch called here. What did you do?" 282 00:12:18,259 --> 00:12:19,829 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 283 00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:21,779 He said, "I didn't do nothin'. 284 00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:24,528 "She asked me to say a word, begin with P and I told her." 285 00:12:24,569 --> 00:12:27,399 I said, "What did you say?" "I said penis. 286 00:12:27,442 --> 00:12:29,362 "Penis being with P, don't it? 287 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:32,930 "I told her penis begins with P and Daddy got two of 'em." 288 00:12:32,969 --> 00:12:34,449 "She said, 'No he don't.' I said, 'Yes he do...' 289 00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:36,632 "'No he don't.' 'Yes he do.'" 290 00:12:36,668 --> 00:12:38,368 "I said, 'My daddy got two 'cause he got a little one that he pee with 291 00:12:38,409 --> 00:12:40,059 "and he got a big one that he brush mama's teeth with.'" 292 00:12:40,107 --> 00:12:42,067 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 293 00:12:44,328 --> 00:12:45,628 Damn! 294 00:12:45,677 --> 00:12:48,067 [LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 295 00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:51,950 I got... Look. Look. 296 00:12:51,988 --> 00:12:54,298 Listen up, Listen up. 297 00:12:54,338 --> 00:12:55,948 I got to get ready to go. You know I love New York. I love New York, y'all. 298 00:12:55,992 --> 00:12:58,212 I had a wonderful time. I had a wonderful time here. 299 00:12:58,255 --> 00:12:59,775 Matter of fact, the last time I was here... 300 00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:01,612 And I don't lie, I just tell you what happened. 301 00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:03,390 Last time I was here, I had a great time. I had too good a time. 302 00:13:03,434 --> 00:13:05,224 Hangin' out with that God damn Martin. 303 00:13:05,262 --> 00:13:07,092 Tryin'... You know, because Martin got money, y'all. 304 00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:09,144 I ain't got no money. I'm tryin' to hang out with him. 305 00:13:09,179 --> 00:13:10,529 I got broker than a motherfucker. I spent all my money, right? 306 00:13:10,572 --> 00:13:12,052 And I had to go down, I'm not ashamed, 307 00:13:12,095 --> 00:13:14,045 to the bank and get some money. 308 00:13:14,097 --> 00:13:15,967 You know where that's at. Right there on 143rd. Don't laugh. 309 00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:17,932 'Cause a couple of y'all look familiar. 310 00:13:17,971 --> 00:13:19,361 But let me tell ya what happened. 311 00:13:19,407 --> 00:13:21,187 I noticed when I got there that there was two... 312 00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:23,795 A big place, huge place. Had two lines instead of one. 313 00:13:23,846 --> 00:13:27,586 Had one line for the blood bank, had another line for sperm bank. 314 00:13:27,632 --> 00:13:29,202 It did. I wouldn't lie. 315 00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:32,943 Sign said, "$10 for blood. $20 for sperm." 316 00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:35,636 I got in the sperm line. But wait a minute. Let me tell you what happened. 317 00:13:35,684 --> 00:13:40,124 I noticed when I got in the line there was a woman. 318 00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:43,387 A woman, in line in front of me. 319 00:13:43,431 --> 00:13:48,481 Yeah. Same thing I thought. So I tapped on her shoulder. I said, "Ma'am? Miss Ma'am?" 320 00:13:48,523 --> 00:13:50,223 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 321 00:13:50,264 --> 00:13:52,224 "Don't you think you're in the wrong damn line?" 322 00:13:52,266 --> 00:13:54,956 She turned around, she said, "Mm-mm. Mmm mmm mm." 323 00:13:56,183 --> 00:13:59,063 [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] 324 00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:13,769 T.P. Hearns. T.P. Hearns. T.P. Hearns. 325 00:14:19,162 --> 00:14:21,642 Okay. Settle down. 326 00:14:21,686 --> 00:14:25,596 Can he get any happier? That's a...woo! T.P. Hearn. God damn. 327 00:14:25,647 --> 00:14:29,427 All right. Comin' to the stage from Houston, Texas, 328 00:14:29,477 --> 00:14:31,957 give it up for Rashion McDonald. 329 00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:33,871 [APPLAUSE] 330 00:14:51,238 --> 00:14:53,498 All the black people in the house say, "Ow..." 331 00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:55,634 AUDIENCE: Ow!Just checkin'. 332 00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:01,725 I like scary movies. That's my thing. 333 00:15:01,770 --> 00:15:04,560 I like takin' black women to scary movies. 334 00:15:04,599 --> 00:15:06,639 By applause how many black women like scary movies? Clap. 335 00:15:06,688 --> 00:15:09,128 [APPLAUSE] 336 00:15:09,169 --> 00:15:11,909 So, I like taking black women to scary movies because they participate... 337 00:15:13,216 --> 00:15:14,776 In scary movies. 338 00:15:14,826 --> 00:15:16,916 They're tryin' to save the actors on the screen. 339 00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:19,177 Like they can hear 'em. 340 00:15:20,441 --> 00:15:21,621 "Don't go in there." 341 00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:22,879 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 342 00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,922 "He standin' behind the door with an ax. 343 00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:26,357 "Don't... Don't..." [SCREAMS] 344 00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:27,453 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 345 00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:28,931 She scream, you drop a loaf. 346 00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:31,543 Hold my popcorn, I'll be right back. 347 00:15:33,758 --> 00:15:35,978 Can't you smell me? 348 00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:38,762 I like the way women protect themselves from that fear when they get home. 349 00:15:38,807 --> 00:15:41,237 Like gettin' in bed and pullin' up blankets. 350 00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:43,678 Like what's ever scaring them ain't comin' through that damn bedspread. 351 00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:44,855 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 352 00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:46,290 Like, if Jason really did exist, 353 00:15:46,336 --> 00:15:48,766 he's gonna break down that bedroom door. 354 00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:50,947 Damn! I'm too late. 355 00:15:52,342 --> 00:15:53,952 She's protected by the damn bedspread. 356 00:15:53,996 --> 00:15:56,956 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 357 00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:58,739 She's in that bed, blanket up to her eyeballs. 358 00:15:58,783 --> 00:16:03,053 That's right, Mr. Boogeyman, double-lined bedspread, homie. 359 00:16:03,092 --> 00:16:04,662 Go get my man. He in the bathroom. 360 00:16:07,879 --> 00:16:12,449 And tell me this, how's it people who snore to fall asleep first? 361 00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:13,973 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 362 00:16:16,366 --> 00:16:19,796 Huh? You in your bedroom tryin' to go to sleep. 363 00:16:19,848 --> 00:16:21,888 These people come in, "Oh, I'm not that sleepy, dear." 364 00:16:21,937 --> 00:16:24,197 [SNORING] 365 00:16:24,244 --> 00:16:25,854 Suckin' all the air out of the house. 366 00:16:27,725 --> 00:16:32,245 [SNORING AND SCRATCHING THROAT] 367 00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:36,165 You know when you hear this noise [SCRATCHING THROAT] you in for a long night. 368 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,309 You ever hear your father snore? 369 00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:43,869 This man be snoring for decades. 370 00:16:44,873 --> 00:16:46,483 He sounds like a lawn mower. 371 00:16:46,527 --> 00:16:48,307 [SNORING] 372 00:17:00,889 --> 00:17:03,809 [CONTINUES SNORING] 373 00:17:03,848 --> 00:17:06,678 Then, right in the middle of his snoring he'll stop breathin' on you. 374 00:17:06,721 --> 00:17:07,811 [CLEARS THROAT] 375 00:17:07,852 --> 00:17:09,292 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 376 00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:14,030 You don't know what to do. 377 00:17:16,165 --> 00:17:18,425 Do you need help? 378 00:17:18,472 --> 00:17:20,822 Wake up, old man! Do you need help? 379 00:17:20,865 --> 00:17:23,995 I am nine years old with bags under my eyes! Do you need help? 380 00:17:25,261 --> 00:17:27,441 Don't worry, he won't wake up. 381 00:17:27,481 --> 00:17:30,091 Drop a bomb on the house. That man won't wake up. 382 00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:33,266 Don't let him fall asleep in front of that television set and turn that off. 383 00:17:33,313 --> 00:17:34,793 [SNORTS] 384 00:17:34,836 --> 00:17:36,356 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 385 00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:40,413 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I was watching that. 386 00:17:40,450 --> 00:17:43,190 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 387 00:17:43,236 --> 00:17:46,326 Man can't rest his eyes in his own goddamn house! 388 00:17:46,369 --> 00:17:48,589 Turn that damn TV back on, boy! 389 00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:50,072 Don't let me get out this chair. 390 00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:53,289 As if he could. 391 00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:55,553 'Cause I had a real vivid imagination as a kid. 392 00:17:55,596 --> 00:17:57,286 I remember one time, my father came out of the house 393 00:17:57,337 --> 00:17:59,817 diggin' in his underwear, right. 394 00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:02,561 He said, "Rashion, come here. Would you do something for me." 395 00:18:02,603 --> 00:18:04,913 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 396 00:18:04,953 --> 00:18:07,093 "I don't think so, Dad. 397 00:18:07,129 --> 00:18:09,779 "Not when you diggin' in your ass." 398 00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:13,397 'Cause my dad didn't give a shit where it was. He still diggin' in his ass. 399 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,920 Bein' in the store, "Well, hold up, son! 400 00:18:15,964 --> 00:18:18,624 "Almost got it. Hold up! 401 00:18:18,662 --> 00:18:21,062 "I'll be in the checkout line in a minute. Hold up." 402 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,450 Be barbecuing, "Why ain't nobody eatin' no barbecue?" 403 00:18:23,493 --> 00:18:25,373 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 404 00:18:25,408 --> 00:18:28,758 "Why ain't nobody eatin' no goddamn barbecue? 405 00:18:28,803 --> 00:18:32,593 "Hold up. Almost got it this time. Hold on. Wrong side. Okay. 406 00:18:32,633 --> 00:18:35,333 "Okay. The corn's ready. Come and get it." 407 00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:37,025 You guys keep busy. I'm out of here. Rashion McDonald. 408 00:18:37,072 --> 00:18:38,202 Thank you very much. Buh-bye. 409 00:18:43,687 --> 00:18:47,127 Rashion! Rashion! Give him a round of applause! 410 00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:56,401 Aight! Comin' to the stage, my man from my hometown, and you know, 411 00:18:56,439 --> 00:19:01,579 'cause we all that in the Metro and the Merlin and the D.C. area. 412 00:19:01,618 --> 00:19:05,268 This is my man, he rocked the show last time he was on and he's here to do it again. 413 00:19:05,318 --> 00:19:08,278 Give it up for my man, Ted Carpenter. 414 00:19:08,321 --> 00:19:09,841 [APPLAUSE] 415 00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:26,989 Hey! Y'all 'member a motherfucker, don't ya? 416 00:19:27,035 --> 00:19:29,255 [CHEERING] 417 00:19:29,298 --> 00:19:32,298 Yeah! I'm gonna do that shit again! 418 00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:34,995 I just want to start out sayin' that I don't like comedy! 419 00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:36,613 I don't like it! 420 00:19:36,653 --> 00:19:38,313 If this shit wasn't part of my work release program 421 00:19:38,351 --> 00:19:40,091 I wouldn't be doin' this shit today. 422 00:19:40,135 --> 00:19:42,175 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 423 00:19:42,224 --> 00:19:44,924 But we just gonna do this show right here. Everybody with me? 424 00:19:44,966 --> 00:19:46,656 AUDIENCE Yeah!TED CARPENTER: All right. 425 00:19:46,707 --> 00:19:48,617 Look at all these pretty black women in New York. 426 00:19:48,665 --> 00:19:51,275 God damn! Fellas, are the women in New York 427 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,320 the baddest women you ever seen, by round of applause? 428 00:19:53,366 --> 00:19:55,666 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 429 00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:58,326 No, that was weak! That was weak, watch this. 430 00:19:58,371 --> 00:20:00,461 Black women, y'all look good! Clap for yourself! 431 00:20:00,503 --> 00:20:02,773 [CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]That's right! 432 00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:05,510 I don't need a motherfucker to clap for me! 433 00:20:05,552 --> 00:20:09,692 I makes my own money around this motherfucker! 434 00:20:09,730 --> 00:20:12,080 I love women, man, but I only date certain types. 435 00:20:12,123 --> 00:20:13,913 I don't date no more cute women. 436 00:20:13,951 --> 00:20:16,431 Hell no. Hell no, I ain't datin' you so don't ask me. 437 00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:19,256 Cute women get you hurt, man. They fuck around and get you killed, man. 438 00:20:19,305 --> 00:20:21,125 I'm serious. Look how pretty you are. 439 00:20:21,176 --> 00:20:24,526 Me and you datin', brother jump on my head, would you help me out? 440 00:20:24,571 --> 00:20:27,361 Wrong fuckin' answer. 441 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,180 She'd get my ass killed, won't she? 442 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:32,228 Don't kill him! Don't hurt him! Y'all gonna hurt him! 443 00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:34,284 I need me a ugly woman. 444 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,930 Ugly for no fuckin' reason at all. 445 00:20:36,974 --> 00:20:38,934 Just ugly. Make you mad type ugly. 446 00:20:38,976 --> 00:20:41,886 Just see her and say, "Oh, God damn, that's ugly!" 447 00:20:41,936 --> 00:20:43,366 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 448 00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:44,716 Ah! 449 00:20:44,765 --> 00:20:48,595 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 450 00:20:48,638 --> 00:20:50,418 That's what I'm lookin' for! 451 00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:53,206 I want her big, too. Big. I want a big fuckin' woman. 452 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,252 Where they... Big girls, raise your hand. 453 00:20:55,297 --> 00:20:56,907 Big girls, raise your... Oh, don't make me start 454 00:20:56,951 --> 00:20:59,561 pointing motherfuckers out here? 455 00:20:59,606 --> 00:21:03,646 Don't even try! Don't even try it. 456 00:21:03,697 --> 00:21:05,257 I want me a big woman. 457 00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:06,787 Two forty-five, two fifty. 458 00:21:06,830 --> 00:21:08,010 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 459 00:21:08,049 --> 00:21:09,529 'Cause a big girl is aggressive, man. 460 00:21:09,572 --> 00:21:11,362 Big woman know how to make...they aggressive. 461 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,800 They say shit to you like, "Let me get up on top." 462 00:21:14,838 --> 00:21:16,488 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 463 00:21:16,536 --> 00:21:17,576 Don't that shit make you dizzy just thinkin' about it? 464 00:21:17,624 --> 00:21:19,714 Let me get up on top. 465 00:21:19,756 --> 00:21:20,926 Say, "Bitch, you crazy! You know I ain't got no fuckin' insurance!" 466 00:21:20,975 --> 00:21:22,275 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 467 00:21:24,979 --> 00:21:27,499 But I told y'all, big girls aggressive, man. They aggressive! 468 00:21:27,547 --> 00:21:30,937 They want you to tear it up! They always want it from the back too. 469 00:21:30,985 --> 00:21:35,815 And ass everywhere, man. Big girl, ass to the right of ya. 470 00:21:35,859 --> 00:21:37,949 Ass to the left of ya. 471 00:21:37,992 --> 00:21:39,602 Crack look like a big ol' doorway. 472 00:21:39,646 --> 00:21:41,206 Swear to God, niggas. 473 00:21:45,391 --> 00:21:49,351 Sometimes you can kind of get in the motherfucker and pull back. 474 00:21:49,395 --> 00:21:51,745 Sometimes they reach back and, "Come on, motherfucker!" 475 00:21:51,788 --> 00:21:53,438 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 476 00:21:53,486 --> 00:21:55,486 I like to do it nice and slow. You know, nice and easy. 477 00:21:55,531 --> 00:21:57,011 You know, when you got a long dick, you ain't gonna go nowhere. 478 00:21:57,054 --> 00:21:58,104 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 479 00:21:58,142 --> 00:21:59,322 See, some of y'all niggers be... 480 00:22:07,195 --> 00:22:10,325 But see, my thing is, I believe black people can work together. 481 00:22:10,372 --> 00:22:12,332 And ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna do something. 482 00:22:12,374 --> 00:22:15,684 This is a very old trick. It goes back to vaudeville, 1933. 483 00:22:15,725 --> 00:22:17,505 It's a very old joke. I did not write it, 484 00:22:17,553 --> 00:22:19,083 but I perfected the motherfucker 485 00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:20,820 and I'm gonna do it for you tonight. Aight? 486 00:22:20,861 --> 00:22:22,651 I gotta pick somebody. 487 00:22:22,689 --> 00:22:25,909 [IMITATING DRUM ROLL] 488 00:22:25,953 --> 00:22:28,173 That old pretty motherfucker. Come here. 489 00:22:28,216 --> 00:22:29,866 In the halter top, come here. 490 00:22:29,913 --> 00:22:32,053 Yes. Hurry up, baby. I ain't got a lot of time. 491 00:22:32,089 --> 00:22:34,049 I'm on a work release program. Come on! 492 00:22:34,091 --> 00:22:35,531 Come on up here. 493 00:22:35,571 --> 00:22:37,661 Bring yo ass. Give her a round of applause. 494 00:22:37,704 --> 00:22:39,754 [APPLAUSE] 495 00:22:41,142 --> 00:22:43,412 Now, I'm gonna show that people... 496 00:22:43,449 --> 00:22:46,059 See, we got a myth that black people can't work together, which is bullshit. 497 00:22:46,103 --> 00:22:48,453 We can work together. I don't know this lady. 498 00:22:48,497 --> 00:22:51,847 Do you know anybody here other than, you know... You know, all your girls? 499 00:22:51,892 --> 00:22:52,892 That's it? 500 00:22:52,936 --> 00:22:55,156 All right. How you doin'? 501 00:22:55,199 --> 00:22:56,849 She's a bad motherfucker, ain't she? 502 00:22:56,897 --> 00:22:58,327 You know any people over there? 503 00:23:01,554 --> 00:23:04,434 Pow! Okay, now listen, sweetheart. 504 00:23:04,470 --> 00:23:06,520 This is a very old trick and we gonna do this and work together. 505 00:23:06,559 --> 00:23:08,429 You gotta work with me on this, all right? 506 00:23:08,474 --> 00:23:10,824 Aight. Now, come... Come behind me. 507 00:23:10,867 --> 00:23:13,517 Come behind me. Very old trick. Come close. 508 00:23:13,566 --> 00:23:14,916 Put your titties on my back. 509 00:23:14,958 --> 00:23:17,128 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 510 00:23:17,178 --> 00:23:20,398 Now listen, darlin', we are going to become as one. Okay? 511 00:23:20,442 --> 00:23:21,922 I'm the body, you're the hands. 512 00:23:21,965 --> 00:23:23,965 I take my hand, put it in my pocket, 513 00:23:24,011 --> 00:23:25,451 and if I see the brothers to the right of me 514 00:23:25,491 --> 00:23:27,191 and I want to wave to them, I say, "Wassup!" 515 00:23:28,189 --> 00:23:30,499 I ain't no fag, now. 516 00:23:30,539 --> 00:23:33,149 Get a... Wassup. That's right. 517 00:23:33,194 --> 00:23:35,724 With a rhythm. With a rhythm. 518 00:23:35,762 --> 00:23:38,372 With a rhythm. Aight? 519 00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:40,237 So, everybody understand what we doin'? 520 00:23:40,288 --> 00:23:42,458 Everybody understand? So I gotta make up a story. 521 00:23:42,508 --> 00:23:44,728 I'm on a basketball court and I'm chilin' out. I'm dribbling the ball. 522 00:23:44,771 --> 00:23:46,211 I'm cool though, baby. 523 00:23:46,250 --> 00:23:47,560 I'm... That's double dribble, God damn it. 524 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:50,080 Dribble, there you go. 525 00:23:50,124 --> 00:23:52,084 Dribble the ball. 526 00:23:52,126 --> 00:23:54,256 Yeah, I ain't gonna spin it yet. 527 00:23:54,302 --> 00:23:56,612 Just dribble the ball. Change hands, change hands, change hands. 528 00:23:56,652 --> 00:23:59,392 Yeah. Round the back, round the back... 529 00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:02,438 'Round the... 'Round the... 'Round the back. 530 00:24:02,484 --> 00:24:05,054 Little slow, but that's all right. 531 00:24:05,095 --> 00:24:07,655 Now, real cool jump shot. Jump shot. 532 00:24:07,707 --> 00:24:10,487 Yeah. Give it up for her! 533 00:24:10,536 --> 00:24:13,446 Say, "Didn't I see Tyrone?" I said, "Tyrone! Come... 534 00:24:13,495 --> 00:24:16,315 "Hey..."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 535 00:24:16,367 --> 00:24:18,587 She just jumpin' the shit, ain't she? 536 00:24:18,631 --> 00:24:21,501 Come here, Tyrone! Come here! Come... Come here! 537 00:24:21,547 --> 00:24:27,117 Come... Come... Come... Come here! 538 00:24:27,161 --> 00:24:28,771 Come here! Yes! 539 00:24:28,815 --> 00:24:33,945 [CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 540 00:24:33,994 --> 00:24:37,004 So, I say, "Look, man. I'm going down to Russell's comedy show. 541 00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:39,090 "You know Russell Simmons? 542 00:24:39,129 --> 00:24:40,479 "You know, the dude who don't like to pay Ted that much money?" 543 00:24:40,522 --> 00:24:42,132 And... 544 00:24:42,176 --> 00:24:44,786 [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] 545 00:24:46,876 --> 00:24:49,006 "I'm goin' down to the comedy show, man. 546 00:24:49,052 --> 00:24:51,232 "And... Oh, man! I heard some... There be some bad women down there. 547 00:24:51,272 --> 00:24:53,232 "Man, I met a girl last week. 548 00:24:53,274 --> 00:24:55,414 "Man, she had these big ass titties. Her titties was like... 549 00:24:55,450 --> 00:24:58,450 "Pow! I'm serious! Had this big ass! 550 00:24:58,497 --> 00:25:00,627 "Her ass was like... Her ass was like... 551 00:25:00,673 --> 00:25:03,333 "Just... Patow! 552 00:25:03,371 --> 00:25:05,591 "That was her motherfuckin' ass! 553 00:25:05,634 --> 00:25:07,904 "I'm serious! I'm serious!" 554 00:25:10,247 --> 00:25:12,947 So, you know, when you on the corner just talkin' shit with all your boys. 555 00:25:12,989 --> 00:25:16,949 You know, your boys, like you talk all that shit! You know... You know. 556 00:25:16,993 --> 00:25:19,083 [LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 557 00:25:19,126 --> 00:25:21,516 And I'm the motherfuckin' nigga, too, when the niggas get together 558 00:25:21,563 --> 00:25:23,523 they like to hold they shit, you know. 559 00:25:23,565 --> 00:25:26,345 And so, I like to hold my shit, too. You know what I'm sayin'? 560 00:25:26,394 --> 00:25:28,484 I like to... I like to hold my shit. 561 00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:32,047 I like to just hold my motherfuckin' shit! Boom! 562 00:25:32,095 --> 00:25:34,835 [CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 563 00:25:53,726 --> 00:25:55,506 Well, there we have it! 564 00:25:55,554 --> 00:25:57,164 Y'all made it possible. 565 00:25:57,207 --> 00:25:59,467 Russell, come on up. Say good night, man. 566 00:25:59,514 --> 00:26:01,434 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 567 00:26:03,866 --> 00:26:06,386 Thank y'all for comin' out. God bless you and goodnight! 568 00:26:09,916 --> 00:26:12,436 [FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING] 569 00:26:12,486 --> 00:26:17,036 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 45535

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