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[THEME MUSIC PLAYING][CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
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KID CAPRI: It's the Russell
Simmons'Def Comedy Jam.
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00:00:13,839 --> 00:00:16,189
[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
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00:00:35,687 --> 00:00:41,217
And now, your host,
Martin Lawrence!
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AUDIENCE: Go Martin!
Go Martin! Go Martin!
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Go Martin! Go Martin!
Go Martin! Go Martin!
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Go Martin! Go Martin!
Go Martin! Go Martin!
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Thank you! Thank you!
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Thank you!
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Thank you very much.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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No, I'm not messin'
with anyone.
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Y'all like, "Damn!"
Y'all face was like...
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Hey, how you doin'?
The older brother sittin' there in the middle.
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How you doin', man?
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Got the beard,
got the little...
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I don't know what
the color that shit is, yellow jacket on.
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How you doin'?
You been around. I like you.
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00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:42,928
You's just got that look like
you've been around, huh?
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How old are you, man?
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Fifty-five!
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Fifty-five years old!
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Don't you love old people?
You got to respect them, man. Don't you?
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They see you dancin' and shit,
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"What that dance
you doin' there boy?"
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"Aw, shit.
That ain't the scrawl. That's all that is."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"That's all that is.
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"You ain't doin' no shit
we ain't done."
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You look like a very...
You know, like, you go to church?
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Do you go to church a lot?
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All right. It's all right.
Church all right, man.
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Go to church, man. Be there.
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You know? I'm... I'm with it.
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I got baptized
when I was young.
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There is some phony
preachers out there.
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I hope we can
get them out the church,
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because you know,
that's messed up. You know what I'm sayin'?
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That's messed up.
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They gettin' your
money and shit. That's not right.
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And I think somebody
set me up in church
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'cause when I was baptized,
they... You know...
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You know how you
get the Holy Ghost?
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[MURMURING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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You know?
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I was baptized.
They take you in that water.
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And they dip you.
And they say when you come up,
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you know, you gonna
be talkin' in the unknown tongue...
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[MUMBLING GIBBERISH]
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So I went to get baptized.
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They dipped me, came up...
I came up...
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[MUMBLING GIBBERISH]
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"They...you talkin'
in the unknown tongue! The..."
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Fuck you, man!
That water's cold as shit!
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[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
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[IMITATING TEETH CHATTERING]
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Is what the fuck I'm saying.
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So go to a real church,
people. Okay?
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Comin' to the stage,
from Los Angeles, California, you know, 'cause...
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AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Woo, woo, woo!
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Two motherfuckers,
"Woo, woo, woo!"
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Coming to the stage,
from Los Angeles, California.
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I know you're going
to enjoy him, so give it up for
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Brandon Bowlin.
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[APPLAUSE]
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[CHEERING]
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New York, what up?
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[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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Good to see you all
in this motherfucker.
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In the house!
Straight out from L.A. Man, I'm glad y'all...
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Happy to see all these
brothers and sisters.
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Damn, y'all make me feel good!
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'Cause we was out there
gettin' buck nutty
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for a couple weeks,
weren't we?
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Straight up, man.
It was crazy.
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Now, that news was comin' out.
It was nothing but brothers lootin'.
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Man, everybody
was lootin'.
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Everybody was doin' that.
Everybody.
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00:04:01,937 --> 00:04:04,287
White people were lootin'.
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00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:05,771
Trying to say stuff
in the hood so they wouldn't get their ass kicked and shit.
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Messin' up their words.
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[PANTING]
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Hey...hey!
You can't touch me.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Tryin' to jump in out of it.
You know what I'm talking about?
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See, but they can do that
because of the messages that people send out.
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You know, some of
our brothers and sisters, they losin'.
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00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:25,922
They send those messages
like Michael Jackson.
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Black or white.
Ain't that a bitch?
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See, when you got $3 billion
you can be ambiguous about that shit, right?
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Right? When you broke,
you black as a motherfucker.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Keep those things at the back
of our minds, though. Y'know what I'm saying?
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'Cause I remember
when I was a little kid,
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that shit was, you know,
teachers would, those little, small things.
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Little biased things,
you know?
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Teachers be in the class,
"Johnny? Johnny?
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00:04:48,766 --> 00:04:51,676
"If Suzy had four apples
and she gave me two, how many would she have?
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"Two, right. Brandon,
if Shaquiqua, the jungle bunny,
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00:04:56,078 --> 00:05:00,428
"had 15 watermelons
and gave me five..."
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00:05:00,474 --> 00:05:02,654
Then I break on her, right,
like I had Tourette's. You know?
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00:05:02,693 --> 00:05:04,963
I walk up there. I be like,
"Uh... Bitch! Bitch!
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00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,350
"Slut! Slut!
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"White devil! White devil!
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"Murderer! Murderer!"
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Right?
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'Cause the little things
in the back of our mind, little things.
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Like, okay, we're
the only people to take a derogatory word
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and make it fraternal, right?
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00:05:26,935 --> 00:05:28,235
Like the word, "Nigga."
You know what I'm talkin' about?
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The word nigga.
We get excited,
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"Nigga! Wassup, nigga?
Nigga, wassup?
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"You my nigga!
Come here, nigga!
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00:05:32,723 --> 00:05:34,163
"Sit down, nigga!
Man, you my nigga!
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"Man, much love! Nigga!"
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You don't never
see nobody else, like white people,
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"Hey! Hey, peckerwood!
My peckerwood, come here! My cracker, come here!
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"Come here you no dancing
bland potato salad cookin'
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"thin lipped redneck
alabaster glow in the dark skin
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"son of a bitch!
Come here!
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"Come on! I love ya!"
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[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
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It's a big problem.
Big problem we have.
125
00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:03,226
Like with our sisters.
You know, we got them wearing all this wild shit.
126
00:06:03,275 --> 00:06:05,885
Doesn't it...
Look, it took me 19 years to realize this.
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00:06:05,930 --> 00:06:08,590
There's nothing
better for a black man than a black woman.
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Nothing.
Nothing in this world. That's right.
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Nothing. Goddamn right!
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And you know, I tell
my white wife every night, I say, "Baby..."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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No, we give them...
We give them this complex.
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00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:27,997
"Yo, baby.
You got it going on.
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00:06:28,039 --> 00:06:30,259
"You know, you love...
I love you, baby,
135
00:06:30,302 --> 00:06:32,262
"but we was makin' love
that nappy hair was just hittin' the headboard.
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"You took the paint
and varnish all off that motherfucker."
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Make them do wild stuff.
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00:06:36,265 --> 00:06:37,745
See, 'cause I want
a sister. I want a...
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00:06:37,788 --> 00:06:41,228
I want a chocolate,
chocolate sister.
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You know, them big...
You know, them big noses? Big Nile noses.
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00:06:44,926 --> 00:06:46,486
Tilt her head I could see
what she's thinking about.
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00:06:46,536 --> 00:06:47,756
That the type
of sister I want.
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00:06:49,191 --> 00:06:52,241
And big lips! Big, big
boomgambi lips.
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Lips so big she had to
breath through them first before she speaks to me.
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[SNORTING] "Hi."
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00:06:58,287 --> 00:07:00,457
And hell, you know
I don't care... I don't care!
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00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:03,287
I don't care if her hair
is down here or if it's all right here.
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00:07:04,206 --> 00:07:06,116
As long as it's hers!
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00:07:06,164 --> 00:07:08,254
I went out with a sister
and I knew it was her hair
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00:07:08,297 --> 00:07:10,597
because it was
this goddamn long!
151
00:07:10,647 --> 00:07:13,257
And she had curling iron burns
all the way across the head.
152
00:07:13,302 --> 00:07:15,172
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:07:15,217 --> 00:07:16,957
And every mornin'
[SCREAMING]
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00:07:21,223 --> 00:07:22,793
Left the house
smellin' like butter.
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I went with a sister, strong.
That's what I'm talking about,
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not just mentally,
but physically too.
157
00:07:29,536 --> 00:07:31,446
'Cause I went with a sister,
she got... Oh, man!
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00:07:31,494 --> 00:07:33,324
She was making love...
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00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:34,925
You know, a man,
when you makin' love, you on top, it's your time.
160
00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:36,326
You know, you doin'
your groove and she's just...
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00:07:36,368 --> 00:07:39,108
She just flipped me over.
Just... [SCREAMING]
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00:07:39,154 --> 00:07:40,244
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
163
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And started workin'!
164
00:07:41,330 --> 00:07:44,900
[SHRUGGING]
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00:07:44,942 --> 00:07:46,202
Took me back to the
motherland!
166
00:07:47,075 --> 00:07:49,245
[TALKING GIBBERISH]
167
00:07:51,993 --> 00:07:56,433
She hunkered down and said,
"Ah!" And she locked!
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00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:59,906
And she stood up!
Now I'm hangin' there, like...
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00:08:07,008 --> 00:08:09,488
And she start doin' domestic
chores, you know.
170
00:08:12,230 --> 00:08:13,800
Let me say something
before I leave.
171
00:08:13,841 --> 00:08:16,151
I want to say something
because this is very important.
172
00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:18,501
I come out here. A lot of
black comics don't get in front of our people much,
173
00:08:18,541 --> 00:08:20,201
so we get out here
and grandstand, right?
174
00:08:20,238 --> 00:08:22,018
Now, if I say some things
that are a little off, you know,
175
00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:23,806
it's 'cause we don't
get to do it a lot.
176
00:08:23,851 --> 00:08:25,721
And I want to let you know,
if any people who are off-colored,
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00:08:25,766 --> 00:08:27,676
not black, Caucasians.
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00:08:27,724 --> 00:08:29,604
And I, you know,
I set you off. I said anything, really,
179
00:08:29,639 --> 00:08:31,289
to set you back or offend you,
180
00:08:31,336 --> 00:08:33,466
I want to let you know
I meant every goddamn word of it.
181
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:34,733
[CHEERING]
182
00:08:34,775 --> 00:08:36,335
Change the mind,
peace to the body!
183
00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:39,385
[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
184
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:49,314
Give him another round
of applause, please, because he meant it.
185
00:08:49,354 --> 00:08:50,884
[APPLAUSE]
186
00:08:50,921 --> 00:08:53,361
Meant all that shit.
187
00:08:53,402 --> 00:08:56,672
Okay, now, from
Indianapolis, Indiana...
188
00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:57,970
Indiana got it goin' on,
189
00:08:58,015 --> 00:08:59,925
just like all the states
that I've been to.
190
00:08:59,974 --> 00:09:02,634
Got it goin' on.
I just want to thank you, while I'm here,
191
00:09:02,672 --> 00:09:05,022
the people in
your state for comin' out and supportin' me.
192
00:09:05,066 --> 00:09:07,416
I love you.
Love you very much.
193
00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:10,159
Okay. And now he's livin'
in Los Angeles,
194
00:09:10,201 --> 00:09:13,681
but he's crazy, he's funny.
Give it up for my man, T.P. Hearn.
195
00:09:13,727 --> 00:09:15,557
[APPLAUSE]
196
00:09:20,429 --> 00:09:22,079
[SHRIEKS]
197
00:09:22,126 --> 00:09:23,946
How y'all doin'?
198
00:09:23,998 --> 00:09:26,168
I feel good.
I feel good, y'all!
199
00:09:26,217 --> 00:09:28,437
I feel good all over.
200
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:29,920
I was at the hotel gettin'
dressed. I fucked around, there like Michael.
201
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,610
Touched myself.
I feel good!
202
00:09:31,658 --> 00:09:34,178
Yes! Yeah!
The world is crazy, y'all.
203
00:09:34,225 --> 00:09:35,965
Some of the shit
on in the world.
204
00:09:36,010 --> 00:09:38,320
Let's see, in L.A.
they're lootin'. They're lootin'.
205
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:39,970
They're riotin'.
They just went nuts.
206
00:09:40,014 --> 00:09:42,064
Niggas in L.A. lost
they fuckin' mind.
207
00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:43,893
Just went crazy.
Just tore up shit.
208
00:09:43,931 --> 00:09:45,241
I remember
the first night it happened.
209
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,460
I came out, y'all.
Flames was burnin'
210
00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:49,499
and people was runnin'
and stealing and fightin'
211
00:09:49,545 --> 00:09:51,235
I was tryin'
to get out the way,
212
00:09:51,286 --> 00:09:52,976
but it was hard to run with
all that shit in your hands.
213
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:55,547
So, I didn't...
I'm serious. It was wild, y'all.
214
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,855
Y'all can laugh if y'all want
to, but you get a lot of free shit when you're lootin'.
215
00:09:57,901 --> 00:10:01,301
Good shit, too. Color TV.
Got a VCR.
216
00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:02,779
I got a lot of shit
I didn't even need.
217
00:10:02,819 --> 00:10:04,519
I got 300 candy bars.
218
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:06,740
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
219
00:10:06,780 --> 00:10:09,610
42 boxes of Kotex.
I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do with that shit.
220
00:10:09,652 --> 00:10:11,052
I just use them
when I meet girls.
221
00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:12,608
"Hi, baby. You need
a Tampax, didn't you?"
222
00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:15,395
I don't know.
You get a lot of shit, man, lootin'.
223
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,790
The world is crazy, y'all.
224
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:18,493
There's so much
shit goin' on, in it.
225
00:10:18,530 --> 00:10:19,750
Like that man.
226
00:10:19,793 --> 00:10:21,103
I know y'all heard
about that man.
227
00:10:21,142 --> 00:10:23,012
That man from Milwaukee
ate up them people.
228
00:10:23,057 --> 00:10:24,317
You heard about that shit?
229
00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:26,022
That was some sick shit.
Wasn't it?
230
00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:28,280
That man ate...
You don't eat people!
231
00:10:29,237 --> 00:10:31,067
Just like pig feet.
232
00:10:31,108 --> 00:10:33,548
Put them in a pot.
Pig feet, people feet... Ate them up!
233
00:10:33,589 --> 00:10:36,109
Sick shit! Sick!
234
00:10:37,288 --> 00:10:39,198
You can't trust nobody.
235
00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:40,987
Don't trust your friends.
They invite you over their house.
236
00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:42,381
You don't know
if they inviting you over for dinner
237
00:10:42,424 --> 00:10:44,384
or if they inviting
your ass over for dinner.
238
00:10:44,426 --> 00:10:46,166
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]You don't know!
239
00:10:46,210 --> 00:10:48,470
Don't trust them!
Don't trust them!
240
00:10:48,517 --> 00:10:51,517
And they having a trial. Why?
They broke in the man's house.
241
00:10:51,563 --> 00:10:54,743
The man had six heads
in his frigerator.
242
00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:57,224
Now, you know that gives
a whole new meaning to "Want some head?"
243
00:10:57,265 --> 00:11:02,785
Don't it? Don't it?
Don't it? Sick shit!
244
00:11:02,836 --> 00:11:04,616
Don't trust nobody.
245
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,324
Whole damn world's
going crazy, man. Too much shit.
246
00:11:06,361 --> 00:11:07,751
And then the childrens.
247
00:11:07,797 --> 00:11:09,277
That's a good subject,
ain't it? Childrens.
248
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,060
Children, damn it,
y'all so silly, childrens.
249
00:11:11,105 --> 00:11:13,185
Little bitty ass people.
Childrens.
250
00:11:13,237 --> 00:11:14,537
You got some little children.
251
00:11:14,586 --> 00:11:16,456
Children goin' crazy.
252
00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:18,591
Turning their parents
in to the police. It's ridiculous.
253
00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:20,514
You know what you need to do?
As soon as you get home tonight.
254
00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:22,329
Beat they ass.
Beat they asses!
255
00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:24,897
If you have children,
beat their ass.
256
00:11:24,945 --> 00:11:26,335
When you go home tonight,
just wake them up.
257
00:11:26,381 --> 00:11:28,561
"Get up, you little fucker.
Get up!" Beat them!
258
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:32,340
It ain't gonna hurt 'em!
It'll make them better people. I'm tellin' you!
259
00:11:32,387 --> 00:11:34,477
I'm not promoting child abuse,
I'm just from the old school.
260
00:11:34,519 --> 00:11:36,869
My parents told me,
"Look, I brought your ass here and what?"
261
00:11:36,913 --> 00:11:39,183
We didn't play that shit!
Beat your ass.
262
00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:40,790
I love children.
I got children.
263
00:11:40,830 --> 00:11:43,010
I got a little son.
So be it, I beat his ass every day.
264
00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:44,490
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Every day.
265
00:11:44,529 --> 00:11:46,049
He be like,
"Daddy, I ain't done nothing."
266
00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:48,526
You will,
and I beat his ass. Beat them!
267
00:11:48,577 --> 00:11:50,057
'Cause they just say shit.
They don't mean no harm.
268
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,580
They just say it.
They don't me no harm.
269
00:11:51,623 --> 00:11:53,673
Like, he got me in trouble
with his teacher, right?
270
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:56,763
I can't stand her.
I hate her. I hate her!
271
00:11:56,803 --> 00:11:59,373
She call my house
all the damn time. Called me the other day.
272
00:11:59,414 --> 00:12:01,024
"You know I had to expel
your son from school?"
273
00:12:01,068 --> 00:12:02,978
I said, "What did he do?"
274
00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:04,716
"'Cause I asked him to say
a word, he said a bad word and explained it."
275
00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:06,507
I said,
"Well, what did he say?"
276
00:12:06,551 --> 00:12:07,991
"Well, you ask him.
He's on his way home." I said, "Thank you."
277
00:12:08,031 --> 00:12:10,771
Bitch. I hate her.
I hate her!
278
00:12:10,817 --> 00:12:12,507
He come boppin' his little ass
in the house like this.
279
00:12:12,557 --> 00:12:14,727
I said, "Hey! Come here.
Come here, damn it!
280
00:12:14,777 --> 00:12:16,687
"What you do?
I ain't do nothin'. Yes you did. What did you do?
281
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,216
"'Cause that bitch
called here. What did you do?"
282
00:12:18,259 --> 00:12:19,829
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
283
00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:21,779
He said, "I didn't do nothin'.
284
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:24,528
"She asked me to say
a word, begin with P and I told her."
285
00:12:24,569 --> 00:12:27,399
I said, "What did you say?"
"I said penis.
286
00:12:27,442 --> 00:12:29,362
"Penis being with P,
don't it?
287
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:32,930
"I told her penis
begins with P and Daddy got two of 'em."
288
00:12:32,969 --> 00:12:34,449
"She said, 'No he don't.'
I said, 'Yes he do...'
289
00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:36,632
"'No he don't.'
'Yes he do.'"
290
00:12:36,668 --> 00:12:38,368
"I said, 'My daddy got two
'cause he got a little one that he pee with
291
00:12:38,409 --> 00:12:40,059
"and he got a big one that he
brush mama's teeth with.'"
292
00:12:40,107 --> 00:12:42,067
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
293
00:12:44,328 --> 00:12:45,628
Damn!
294
00:12:45,677 --> 00:12:48,067
[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
295
00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:51,950
I got... Look. Look.
296
00:12:51,988 --> 00:12:54,298
Listen up, Listen up.
297
00:12:54,338 --> 00:12:55,948
I got to get ready to go.
You know I love New York. I love New York, y'all.
298
00:12:55,992 --> 00:12:58,212
I had a wonderful time.
I had a wonderful time here.
299
00:12:58,255 --> 00:12:59,775
Matter of fact,
the last time I was here...
300
00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:01,612
And I don't lie,
I just tell you what happened.
301
00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:03,390
Last time I was here,
I had a great time. I had too good a time.
302
00:13:03,434 --> 00:13:05,224
Hangin' out with that
God damn Martin.
303
00:13:05,262 --> 00:13:07,092
Tryin'... You know, because
Martin got money, y'all.
304
00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:09,144
I ain't got no money.
I'm tryin' to hang out with him.
305
00:13:09,179 --> 00:13:10,529
I got broker than
a motherfucker. I spent all my money, right?
306
00:13:10,572 --> 00:13:12,052
And I had to go down,
I'm not ashamed,
307
00:13:12,095 --> 00:13:14,045
to the bank
and get some money.
308
00:13:14,097 --> 00:13:15,967
You know where that's at.
Right there on 143rd. Don't laugh.
309
00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:17,932
'Cause a couple of y'all
look familiar.
310
00:13:17,971 --> 00:13:19,361
But let me tell ya
what happened.
311
00:13:19,407 --> 00:13:21,187
I noticed when I got there
that there was two...
312
00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:23,795
A big place, huge place.
Had two lines instead of one.
313
00:13:23,846 --> 00:13:27,586
Had one line for the blood
bank, had another line for sperm bank.
314
00:13:27,632 --> 00:13:29,202
It did. I wouldn't lie.
315
00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:32,943
Sign said,
"$10 for blood. $20 for sperm."
316
00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:35,636
I got in the sperm line.
But wait a minute. Let me tell you what happened.
317
00:13:35,684 --> 00:13:40,124
I noticed when I got in
the line there was a woman.
318
00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:43,387
A woman,
in line in front of me.
319
00:13:43,431 --> 00:13:48,481
Yeah. Same thing I thought.
So I tapped on her shoulder. I said, "Ma'am? Miss Ma'am?"
320
00:13:48,523 --> 00:13:50,223
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
321
00:13:50,264 --> 00:13:52,224
"Don't you think you're
in the wrong damn line?"
322
00:13:52,266 --> 00:13:54,956
She turned around, she said,
"Mm-mm. Mmm mmm mm."
323
00:13:56,183 --> 00:13:59,063
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
324
00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:13,769
T.P. Hearns. T.P. Hearns.
T.P. Hearns.
325
00:14:19,162 --> 00:14:21,642
Okay. Settle down.
326
00:14:21,686 --> 00:14:25,596
Can he get any happier?
That's a...woo! T.P. Hearn. God damn.
327
00:14:25,647 --> 00:14:29,427
All right.
Comin' to the stage from Houston, Texas,
328
00:14:29,477 --> 00:14:31,957
give it up for
Rashion McDonald.
329
00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:33,871
[APPLAUSE]
330
00:14:51,238 --> 00:14:53,498
All the black people
in the house say, "Ow..."
331
00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:55,634
AUDIENCE: Ow!Just checkin'.
332
00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:01,725
I like scary movies.
That's my thing.
333
00:15:01,770 --> 00:15:04,560
I like takin' black women
to scary movies.
334
00:15:04,599 --> 00:15:06,639
By applause how many
black women like scary movies? Clap.
335
00:15:06,688 --> 00:15:09,128
[APPLAUSE]
336
00:15:09,169 --> 00:15:11,909
So, I like taking black women
to scary movies because they participate...
337
00:15:13,216 --> 00:15:14,776
In scary movies.
338
00:15:14,826 --> 00:15:16,916
They're tryin' to save
the actors on the screen.
339
00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:19,177
Like they can hear 'em.
340
00:15:20,441 --> 00:15:21,621
"Don't go in there."
341
00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:22,879
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
342
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,922
"He standin' behind
the door with an ax.
343
00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:26,357
"Don't... Don't..."
[SCREAMS]
344
00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:27,453
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
345
00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:28,931
She scream, you drop a loaf.
346
00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:31,543
Hold my popcorn,
I'll be right back.
347
00:15:33,758 --> 00:15:35,978
Can't you smell me?
348
00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:38,762
I like the way women
protect themselves from that fear when they get home.
349
00:15:38,807 --> 00:15:41,237
Like gettin' in bed
and pullin' up blankets.
350
00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:43,678
Like what's ever scaring them
ain't comin' through that damn bedspread.
351
00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:44,855
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
352
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:46,290
Like, if Jason
really did exist,
353
00:15:46,336 --> 00:15:48,766
he's gonna break down
that bedroom door.
354
00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:50,947
Damn! I'm too late.
355
00:15:52,342 --> 00:15:53,952
She's protected by
the damn bedspread.
356
00:15:53,996 --> 00:15:56,956
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
357
00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:58,739
She's in that bed,
blanket up to her eyeballs.
358
00:15:58,783 --> 00:16:03,053
That's right, Mr. Boogeyman,
double-lined bedspread, homie.
359
00:16:03,092 --> 00:16:04,662
Go get my man.
He in the bathroom.
360
00:16:07,879 --> 00:16:12,449
And tell me this,
how's it people who snore to fall asleep first?
361
00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:13,973
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
362
00:16:16,366 --> 00:16:19,796
Huh? You in your bedroom
tryin' to go to sleep.
363
00:16:19,848 --> 00:16:21,888
These people come in,
"Oh, I'm not that sleepy, dear."
364
00:16:21,937 --> 00:16:24,197
[SNORING]
365
00:16:24,244 --> 00:16:25,854
Suckin' all the air
out of the house.
366
00:16:27,725 --> 00:16:32,245
[SNORING AND
SCRATCHING THROAT]
367
00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:36,165
You know when you hear this
noise [SCRATCHING THROAT] you in for a long night.
368
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,309
You ever hear
your father snore?
369
00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:43,869
This man be snoring
for decades.
370
00:16:44,873 --> 00:16:46,483
He sounds like a lawn mower.
371
00:16:46,527 --> 00:16:48,307
[SNORING]
372
00:17:00,889 --> 00:17:03,809
[CONTINUES SNORING]
373
00:17:03,848 --> 00:17:06,678
Then, right in the middle
of his snoring he'll stop breathin' on you.
374
00:17:06,721 --> 00:17:07,811
[CLEARS THROAT]
375
00:17:07,852 --> 00:17:09,292
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
376
00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:14,030
You don't know what to do.
377
00:17:16,165 --> 00:17:18,425
Do you need help?
378
00:17:18,472 --> 00:17:20,822
Wake up, old man!
Do you need help?
379
00:17:20,865 --> 00:17:23,995
I am nine years old
with bags under my eyes! Do you need help?
380
00:17:25,261 --> 00:17:27,441
Don't worry,
he won't wake up.
381
00:17:27,481 --> 00:17:30,091
Drop a bomb on the house.
That man won't wake up.
382
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:33,266
Don't let him fall asleep
in front of that television set and turn that off.
383
00:17:33,313 --> 00:17:34,793
[SNORTS]
384
00:17:34,836 --> 00:17:36,356
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
385
00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:40,413
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I was watching that.
386
00:17:40,450 --> 00:17:43,190
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
387
00:17:43,236 --> 00:17:46,326
Man can't rest his eyes
in his own goddamn house!
388
00:17:46,369 --> 00:17:48,589
Turn that damn TV
back on, boy!
389
00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:50,072
Don't let me
get out this chair.
390
00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:53,289
As if he could.
391
00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:55,553
'Cause I had a real
vivid imagination as a kid.
392
00:17:55,596 --> 00:17:57,286
I remember one time, my father
came out of the house
393
00:17:57,337 --> 00:17:59,817
diggin' in his
underwear, right.
394
00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:02,561
He said, "Rashion, come here.
Would you do something for me."
395
00:18:02,603 --> 00:18:04,913
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
396
00:18:04,953 --> 00:18:07,093
"I don't think so, Dad.
397
00:18:07,129 --> 00:18:09,779
"Not when you diggin'
in your ass."
398
00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:13,397
'Cause my dad didn't
give a shit where it was. He still diggin' in his ass.
399
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,920
Bein' in the store,
"Well, hold up, son!
400
00:18:15,964 --> 00:18:18,624
"Almost got it. Hold up!
401
00:18:18,662 --> 00:18:21,062
"I'll be in the checkout line
in a minute. Hold up."
402
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,450
Be barbecuing,
"Why ain't nobody eatin' no barbecue?"
403
00:18:23,493 --> 00:18:25,373
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
404
00:18:25,408 --> 00:18:28,758
"Why ain't nobody eatin'
no goddamn barbecue?
405
00:18:28,803 --> 00:18:32,593
"Hold up. Almost got it
this time. Hold on. Wrong side. Okay.
406
00:18:32,633 --> 00:18:35,333
"Okay. The corn's ready.
Come and get it."
407
00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:37,025
You guys keep busy.
I'm out of here. Rashion McDonald.
408
00:18:37,072 --> 00:18:38,202
Thank you very much.
Buh-bye.
409
00:18:43,687 --> 00:18:47,127
Rashion! Rashion!
Give him a round of applause!
410
00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:56,401
Aight! Comin' to the stage,
my man from my hometown, and you know,
411
00:18:56,439 --> 00:19:01,579
'cause we all that
in the Metro and the Merlin and the D.C. area.
412
00:19:01,618 --> 00:19:05,268
This is my man, he rocked
the show last time he was on and he's here to do it again.
413
00:19:05,318 --> 00:19:08,278
Give it up for my man,
Ted Carpenter.
414
00:19:08,321 --> 00:19:09,841
[APPLAUSE]
415
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:26,989
Hey! Y'all 'member
a motherfucker, don't ya?
416
00:19:27,035 --> 00:19:29,255
[CHEERING]
417
00:19:29,298 --> 00:19:32,298
Yeah! I'm gonna
do that shit again!
418
00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:34,995
I just want to start out
sayin' that I don't like comedy!
419
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:36,613
I don't like it!
420
00:19:36,653 --> 00:19:38,313
If this shit wasn't part
of my work release program
421
00:19:38,351 --> 00:19:40,091
I wouldn't be doin'
this shit today.
422
00:19:40,135 --> 00:19:42,175
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
423
00:19:42,224 --> 00:19:44,924
But we just gonna do this
show right here. Everybody with me?
424
00:19:44,966 --> 00:19:46,656
AUDIENCE Yeah!TED CARPENTER: All right.
425
00:19:46,707 --> 00:19:48,617
Look at all these
pretty black women in New York.
426
00:19:48,665 --> 00:19:51,275
God damn! Fellas,
are the women in New York
427
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,320
the baddest women you ever
seen, by round of applause?
428
00:19:53,366 --> 00:19:55,666
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
429
00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:58,326
No, that was weak!
That was weak, watch this.
430
00:19:58,371 --> 00:20:00,461
Black women, y'all look good!
Clap for yourself!
431
00:20:00,503 --> 00:20:02,773
[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]That's right!
432
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:05,510
I don't need a motherfucker
to clap for me!
433
00:20:05,552 --> 00:20:09,692
I makes my own money
around this motherfucker!
434
00:20:09,730 --> 00:20:12,080
I love women, man, but I
only date certain types.
435
00:20:12,123 --> 00:20:13,913
I don't date no more
cute women.
436
00:20:13,951 --> 00:20:16,431
Hell no. Hell no,
I ain't datin' you so don't ask me.
437
00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:19,256
Cute women get you hurt, man.
They fuck around and get you killed, man.
438
00:20:19,305 --> 00:20:21,125
I'm serious.
Look how pretty you are.
439
00:20:21,176 --> 00:20:24,526
Me and you datin',
brother jump on my head, would you help me out?
440
00:20:24,571 --> 00:20:27,361
Wrong fuckin' answer.
441
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,180
She'd get my ass killed,
won't she?
442
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:32,228
Don't kill him!
Don't hurt him! Y'all gonna hurt him!
443
00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:34,284
I need me a ugly woman.
444
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,930
Ugly for no fuckin'
reason at all.
445
00:20:36,974 --> 00:20:38,934
Just ugly.
Make you mad type ugly.
446
00:20:38,976 --> 00:20:41,886
Just see her and say,
"Oh, God damn, that's ugly!"
447
00:20:41,936 --> 00:20:43,366
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
448
00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:44,716
Ah!
449
00:20:44,765 --> 00:20:48,595
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
450
00:20:48,638 --> 00:20:50,418
That's what I'm lookin' for!
451
00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:53,206
I want her big, too. Big.
I want a big fuckin' woman.
452
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,252
Where they...
Big girls, raise your hand.
453
00:20:55,297 --> 00:20:56,907
Big girls, raise your...
Oh, don't make me start
454
00:20:56,951 --> 00:20:59,561
pointing motherfuckers
out here?
455
00:20:59,606 --> 00:21:03,646
Don't even try!
Don't even try it.
456
00:21:03,697 --> 00:21:05,257
I want me a big woman.
457
00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:06,787
Two forty-five, two fifty.
458
00:21:06,830 --> 00:21:08,010
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
459
00:21:08,049 --> 00:21:09,529
'Cause a big girl
is aggressive, man.
460
00:21:09,572 --> 00:21:11,362
Big woman know how to
make...they aggressive.
461
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,800
They say shit to you like,
"Let me get up on top."
462
00:21:14,838 --> 00:21:16,488
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
463
00:21:16,536 --> 00:21:17,576
Don't that shit make you dizzy
just thinkin' about it?
464
00:21:17,624 --> 00:21:19,714
Let me get up on top.
465
00:21:19,756 --> 00:21:20,926
Say, "Bitch, you crazy!
You know I ain't got no fuckin' insurance!"
466
00:21:20,975 --> 00:21:22,275
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
467
00:21:24,979 --> 00:21:27,499
But I told y'all, big girls
aggressive, man. They aggressive!
468
00:21:27,547 --> 00:21:30,937
They want you to tear it up!
They always want it from the back too.
469
00:21:30,985 --> 00:21:35,815
And ass everywhere, man.
Big girl, ass to the right of ya.
470
00:21:35,859 --> 00:21:37,949
Ass to the left of ya.
471
00:21:37,992 --> 00:21:39,602
Crack look like
a big ol' doorway.
472
00:21:39,646 --> 00:21:41,206
Swear to God, niggas.
473
00:21:45,391 --> 00:21:49,351
Sometimes you can kind of
get in the motherfucker and pull back.
474
00:21:49,395 --> 00:21:51,745
Sometimes they reach back and,
"Come on, motherfucker!"
475
00:21:51,788 --> 00:21:53,438
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
476
00:21:53,486 --> 00:21:55,486
I like to do it nice and slow.
You know, nice and easy.
477
00:21:55,531 --> 00:21:57,011
You know, when you got
a long dick, you ain't gonna go nowhere.
478
00:21:57,054 --> 00:21:58,104
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
479
00:21:58,142 --> 00:21:59,322
See, some of y'all
niggers be...
480
00:22:07,195 --> 00:22:10,325
But see, my thing is,
I believe black people can work together.
481
00:22:10,372 --> 00:22:12,332
And ladies and gentlemen,
I'm gonna do something.
482
00:22:12,374 --> 00:22:15,684
This is a very old trick.
It goes back to vaudeville, 1933.
483
00:22:15,725 --> 00:22:17,505
It's a very old joke.
I did not write it,
484
00:22:17,553 --> 00:22:19,083
but I perfected
the motherfucker
485
00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:20,820
and I'm gonna do it
for you tonight. Aight?
486
00:22:20,861 --> 00:22:22,651
I gotta pick somebody.
487
00:22:22,689 --> 00:22:25,909
[IMITATING DRUM ROLL]
488
00:22:25,953 --> 00:22:28,173
That old pretty motherfucker.
Come here.
489
00:22:28,216 --> 00:22:29,866
In the halter top, come here.
490
00:22:29,913 --> 00:22:32,053
Yes. Hurry up, baby.
I ain't got a lot of time.
491
00:22:32,089 --> 00:22:34,049
I'm on a work
release program. Come on!
492
00:22:34,091 --> 00:22:35,531
Come on up here.
493
00:22:35,571 --> 00:22:37,661
Bring yo ass.
Give her a round of applause.
494
00:22:37,704 --> 00:22:39,754
[APPLAUSE]
495
00:22:41,142 --> 00:22:43,412
Now, I'm gonna show
that people...
496
00:22:43,449 --> 00:22:46,059
See, we got a myth
that black people can't work together, which is bullshit.
497
00:22:46,103 --> 00:22:48,453
We can work together.
I don't know this lady.
498
00:22:48,497 --> 00:22:51,847
Do you know anybody here
other than, you know... You know, all your girls?
499
00:22:51,892 --> 00:22:52,892
That's it?
500
00:22:52,936 --> 00:22:55,156
All right. How you doin'?
501
00:22:55,199 --> 00:22:56,849
She's a bad motherfucker,
ain't she?
502
00:22:56,897 --> 00:22:58,327
You know any people
over there?
503
00:23:01,554 --> 00:23:04,434
Pow! Okay,
now listen, sweetheart.
504
00:23:04,470 --> 00:23:06,520
This is a very old trick
and we gonna do this and work together.
505
00:23:06,559 --> 00:23:08,429
You gotta work with me
on this, all right?
506
00:23:08,474 --> 00:23:10,824
Aight. Now, come...
Come behind me.
507
00:23:10,867 --> 00:23:13,517
Come behind me.
Very old trick. Come close.
508
00:23:13,566 --> 00:23:14,916
Put your titties on my back.
509
00:23:14,958 --> 00:23:17,128
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
510
00:23:17,178 --> 00:23:20,398
Now listen, darlin',
we are going to become as one. Okay?
511
00:23:20,442 --> 00:23:21,922
I'm the body,
you're the hands.
512
00:23:21,965 --> 00:23:23,965
I take my hand,
put it in my pocket,
513
00:23:24,011 --> 00:23:25,451
and if I see the brothers
to the right of me
514
00:23:25,491 --> 00:23:27,191
and I want to wave to them,
I say, "Wassup!"
515
00:23:28,189 --> 00:23:30,499
I ain't no fag, now.
516
00:23:30,539 --> 00:23:33,149
Get a... Wassup.
That's right.
517
00:23:33,194 --> 00:23:35,724
With a rhythm. With a rhythm.
518
00:23:35,762 --> 00:23:38,372
With a rhythm. Aight?
519
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:40,237
So, everybody understand
what we doin'?
520
00:23:40,288 --> 00:23:42,458
Everybody understand?
So I gotta make up a story.
521
00:23:42,508 --> 00:23:44,728
I'm on a basketball court
and I'm chilin' out. I'm dribbling the ball.
522
00:23:44,771 --> 00:23:46,211
I'm cool though, baby.
523
00:23:46,250 --> 00:23:47,560
I'm... That's double dribble,
God damn it.
524
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:50,080
Dribble, there you go.
525
00:23:50,124 --> 00:23:52,084
Dribble the ball.
526
00:23:52,126 --> 00:23:54,256
Yeah, I ain't
gonna spin it yet.
527
00:23:54,302 --> 00:23:56,612
Just dribble the ball.
Change hands, change hands, change hands.
528
00:23:56,652 --> 00:23:59,392
Yeah. Round the back,
round the back...
529
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:02,438
'Round the...
'Round the... 'Round the back.
530
00:24:02,484 --> 00:24:05,054
Little slow,
but that's all right.
531
00:24:05,095 --> 00:24:07,655
Now, real cool jump shot.
Jump shot.
532
00:24:07,707 --> 00:24:10,487
Yeah. Give it up for her!
533
00:24:10,536 --> 00:24:13,446
Say, "Didn't I see Tyrone?"
I said, "Tyrone! Come...
534
00:24:13,495 --> 00:24:16,315
"Hey..."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
535
00:24:16,367 --> 00:24:18,587
She just jumpin'
the shit, ain't she?
536
00:24:18,631 --> 00:24:21,501
Come here, Tyrone!
Come here! Come... Come here!
537
00:24:21,547 --> 00:24:27,117
Come... Come... Come...
Come here!
538
00:24:27,161 --> 00:24:28,771
Come here! Yes!
539
00:24:28,815 --> 00:24:33,945
[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
540
00:24:33,994 --> 00:24:37,004
So, I say, "Look, man.
I'm going down to Russell's comedy show.
541
00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:39,090
"You know Russell Simmons?
542
00:24:39,129 --> 00:24:40,479
"You know, the dude
who don't like to pay Ted that much money?"
543
00:24:40,522 --> 00:24:42,132
And...
544
00:24:42,176 --> 00:24:44,786
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
545
00:24:46,876 --> 00:24:49,006
"I'm goin' down to the
comedy show, man.
546
00:24:49,052 --> 00:24:51,232
"And... Oh, man!
I heard some... There be some bad women down there.
547
00:24:51,272 --> 00:24:53,232
"Man, I met a girl last week.
548
00:24:53,274 --> 00:24:55,414
"Man, she had these
big ass titties. Her titties was like...
549
00:24:55,450 --> 00:24:58,450
"Pow! I'm serious!
Had this big ass!
550
00:24:58,497 --> 00:25:00,627
"Her ass was like...
Her ass was like...
551
00:25:00,673 --> 00:25:03,333
"Just... Patow!
552
00:25:03,371 --> 00:25:05,591
"That was her
motherfuckin' ass!
553
00:25:05,634 --> 00:25:07,904
"I'm serious! I'm serious!"
554
00:25:10,247 --> 00:25:12,947
So, you know, when you
on the corner just talkin' shit with all your boys.
555
00:25:12,989 --> 00:25:16,949
You know, your boys,
like you talk all that shit! You know... You know.
556
00:25:16,993 --> 00:25:19,083
[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
557
00:25:19,126 --> 00:25:21,516
And I'm the motherfuckin'
nigga, too, when the niggas get together
558
00:25:21,563 --> 00:25:23,523
they like to hold
they shit, you know.
559
00:25:23,565 --> 00:25:26,345
And so, I like to hold
my shit, too. You know what I'm sayin'?
560
00:25:26,394 --> 00:25:28,484
I like to...
I like to hold my shit.
561
00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:32,047
I like to just hold my
motherfuckin' shit! Boom!
562
00:25:32,095 --> 00:25:34,835
[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
563
00:25:53,726 --> 00:25:55,506
Well, there we have it!
564
00:25:55,554 --> 00:25:57,164
Y'all made it possible.
565
00:25:57,207 --> 00:25:59,467
Russell, come on up.
Say good night, man.
566
00:25:59,514 --> 00:26:01,434
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
567
00:26:03,866 --> 00:26:06,386
Thank y'all for comin' out.
God bless you and goodnight!
568
00:26:09,916 --> 00:26:12,436
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]
569
00:26:12,486 --> 00:26:17,036
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