All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s02e10.eng

KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

KID CAPRI: And now your host,
Martin Lawrence!

Give him a round
of applause, Kid Capri.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

My man.
My man in the house.

My man in
the place to be... Thank you.

How you guys doing?
Thank you for joining us for another Def Comedy Jam,

give yourself
a round of applause.

[APPLAUSE]

For what moments
we have here together.

[EXHALES]
I'm just looking around.

Where the white people, today?
They generally join us.

Where are they?
Hi, we have someone back there.

I don't know if
the camera can get her.

She starred in
Throw Momma From The Train, how you doing?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

How you doing?

Loved you.

Loved you in that,
you were excellent!

You tore it up.

Wanna thank you
for coming out.

If I was looking for
damn-near white, I'd go to you.

[LAUGHING]

But I'm not
looking for that.

[LAUGHS] How you doing?

All righty.

Nah, I kid, I kid.

'Cause I, I don't want...
The white people at home, I play with y'all, we love ya,

we just joking with ya,

but we have to mess with ya.

'Cause is it is me
or planes?

Do white stewardesses choose
who they wanna say bye-bye to?

Like it could be
like four white people and you're like the fifth,

and they go, "Bye-bye,
bye-bye, all right, bye-bye now, bye-bye..."

[SIGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Don't speaker to me, mother...

Bye to me. [GIGGLES]

How you girls doing?
Y'all just look all good.

How ya feel?

WOMAN: Fine.Fine and you?
What, I didn't ask you yet!

She's fine.

I just... You, how you doing,
brother? I just love messing with people.

Why the glasses?
I don't understand.

What, can you not see me
or just, are you that cool?

What the fuck is going on?

You a big cool motherfucker?
What...

Take the glasses off, man.

Are you high?

Goddamn right,
look, he high... He's like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Why don't you go ahead
with that, man? [LAUGHS]

Oh, we just having fun,
we just throwing it out.

How you doing?
I guess you're dancing.

I knew it.

That's beautiful, though,
I love, see, I love that when you see our young people here

with us and dancing.
I'd rather see you dancing,

'cause we're killin'
each other. Let's stop this.

[APPLAUSE]Please.

I'm scared of
young boys today.

I'm scared of them, man.

There used to be a time
you could say,

"Boy, go on about
your business before I tell your mother on ya ass."

When you say that shit now,
you ain't tellin' no motherfucking body!

Pow!

Ah, ah, ah, why?

We coulda had somethin'.

Coming to the stage,
this is my man.

I had the pleasure
of meeting him in Atlanta.

And he went out on
the road with me.

I think he truly is
a good brother.

Why? Because he has God
in his heart,

and we all should,
and make sure you keep it there.

Give it up for my man
from Atlanta, Georgia, Jonathan Slocumb.

[MUSIC PLAYING][APPLAUSE]

Tonight's HBO Def Comedy
Jamis brought to you by

the Jackson
Hair Care Products.

And to introduce
the Jackson hair care line, please welcome

the Reverend Jesse Jackson.

[APPLAUSE]

Good evening,

or good afternoon.

Maybe you're watching in
California, good morning.

I'm the Reverend
Jesse Jackson.

You know, every day

people come up
to me and they say,

"Jesse,

"oh, Jesse,

"whatcha gonna do?

"Because you didn't get
to be President,

"and ya didn't get to be
Vice-President, Jesse!

"Whatcha gonna do?"

Well, that's
a good question,

and, of course,
the answer is very, very,

very, very, very, very,

very, very simple.
I'm gonna travel the country

addressing all the
pertinent issues.

I'm going on Arsenio.

I'm going on Geraldo,

and hang out with Harpo.
Of course, that's backwards for Oprah.

But the issue of the day
is not that. I'm here on a mission.

As I travel the country,
I don't mind the warm embraces

from my brothers and sisters,
you know,

more hug,

less drug.

But the problem lies
when black people leave them huggin' in.

They normally leave
a greasy stain on my suit.

And it's not because
of nationality,

and it's not because
of skin tone.

But the problem lies with
those who still got that nasty dripping Jheri curl.

So, tonight I'm here to say
down with Jheri curl

and introducin' up

with my new Jesse curl.

This allows our people to have
their naturally curly hair

with no
artificial preservatives.

So, I want you to
say my motto with me now,

I can be happy.

AUDIENCE: I can be happy.

When my hair is nappy.

AUDIENCE: When
my hair is nappy.

See. when you wake up in
the morning and it's kinky with lint in it,

God wanted it that way,
it's a black thing, you ain't know?

All the ladies,
stand up on your feet, ladies. Stand up wherever you are.

Just stand up right now.
Ladies, stand up on your feet.

Come on, ladies, stand up.
Are you a lady? Are you a lady? Stand up!

I want the ladies to
understand you can move up in the world.

I want you to
say ladies, "I can achieve."

LADIES: I can achieve.

Without a weave.LADIES: Without a...
[LAUGHING]

JONATHAN: God bless ya,
keep on what you've got.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

Hoo!

Yay.

All right.

All righty.

I know a lot of
y'all got 'em, so, I better be cool with it.

Hey, do me a favor.
Be really happy and proud to be black.

Make some noise for me,
come on. [APPLAUSE]

Be proud about it.
Because everything that God gave the world

the gift of blackness
and we appreciate that.

So, be proud about it,
all right? But one thing you gotta understand,

we got our own everything,
yo, we got it going on, black people.

We got our own judge,

Clarence.

We got our own detergent.
The white people got theirs, ya know.

"Oh, bring the clothes,
I just want to go washing.

"I'm full of Cheer!"

We got our own,

"Put 'em in
the washing machine 'cause I'm tired, I'm..."

And we got our own language.

We have our own language.
We can take a whole paragraph,

sentence or sentence fragment
and condense it into one word.

I'm gonna give you a sample.

The word is spelt D-A-N-E,
pronounced Dane. Y'all say Dane.

AUDIENCE: Dane.And here's
the sentence,

"Hey man, where dat money
you owe me?

"Dane whatcha
ya say last week."

[LAUGHS]

One, two more,
one more, one more.

Also, my brothers are
leaving from the corporate world every day and they say,

"Hey Bob,"
the other guy say, "Bob, I give you a call, take care,

"we'll see you tomorrow."

My brothers' go one word,
A-A-H-I-T-E-D-E-N.

Aahite-den.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Aahite. Aahite 'den.

And one I want y'all to use
'cause I saw two ladies downtown last night

talking about coming
to the HBO Def Comedy Jam.

"You going to
the Def Comedy Jam?"

The normal response
would be, "Certainly I am, I purchased my ticket."

No, but she went
S-H-O-L-E-A-H.

"Sholeah...[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Done bought my
ticket, honey."

As a matter fact, once I used
that word. God sure is good, ain't he, y'all?

AUDIENCE: Sholeah!

And don't you forget it,
count your blessings.

I'm Jonathan Slocumb.
Thank you!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

Jonathan Slocumb,
give him a round of applause, please.

Okay, coming to the stage
from Brooklyn, New York,

I know you're gonna enjoy him,
give it up for the great Kris Kringle. Give it up!

[APPLAUSE]

Wassup, New York?
Make some noise!

[CHEERING]

All right, keep it down,

it's time to learn the lesson.

That's right, the lesson,
no comedy.

Now it's not a lesson
in communism,

and it's not a
lesson in racism.

It's a lesson in Kringleism,

the way I see things in life.

Now I know there's
some smart brother out there sayin',

"What he be knowin' that
I can't learn?"

Let me paint the pictures.

Let me. Kringleism
is like ingenuity.

My grandmother
has Kringleism.

Here's an example,
she's ingenious.

My grandmother is
making money,

she got a video.

Gospel aerobics
and self-defense.

And I rent this thing,
here comes my grandmother,

"How da folks at
Def Jam say amen?"

AUDIENCE: Amen.

Say it again!

AUDIENCE: Amen!

Yes, yes, y'all.

We gonna start
the gospel aerobics

with the Oh Lord stretches,

with inspirational verses.

Ready now?

Sister Jones' son, Bobby,
is smokin' crack!

Oh, Lord!

Oh, Lord!

We need a big stretch now,

he done stolded
her television.

Oh, Lord!AUDIENCE: Oh, Lord!

Now that the church is
all warmed up,

we gonna do 10

"Thank you, Jesus."

Ready now?

And...

Thank you, Jesus.

Thank you, Jesus.

Thank you, Jesus.

Thank you, Jesus.

Thank you, Jesus.

Nine and ten!

Thank you, Jesus.

Quick question,
quick question.

If you're dead,

how come they call it a wake?

Yo man, get up!

Come on, get up!

Get up!

It's time for
a Kris Kringle impression.

Impressionism.

Ike and Tina
Turner's greatest hits.

Come... Get the...

[GRUNTING]

Rollin' in the river!

Rollin'! Rollin'!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING,
CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

Quick impersonation.

The most up-to-date
impression

of Elvis.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING,
CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

Quick lesson in Kringleism
for the ladies.

No, first the brothers,
let me hit the brothers.

Vacationism.

Always let your woman

plan the vacation.

Why?

Periodism.

Five days,
four nights.

You know.

Peace, love.

Yeah, yo,
calm down.

Kris Kringle, give him another
round of applause.

You know what? I gotta
tell y'all, all the shooting these shows,

y'all are some
good looking women in New York.

Y'all are
good looking, damn it.

She knows she heard me,
"What, what'd you say?

"Oh, oh, okay, how you doing?"

Very good looking.

Okay coming to the stage,

what can I say about
her but she's Simply Marvelous.

[MUSIC PLAYING][APPLAUSE]

How ya doin'?
God damn it, how ya doing?

How ya mama doing?

My name is Simply Marvelous,
my real name is Absolutely Fantastic.

[APPLAUSE]

How ya doing? And I'm
from Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

How ya doing?
How ya mammy doing?

Yeah, Louisiana got
a lot of big mosquitoes down there, y'all.

Good, them mosquitos
eat me all over.

Coochie and all.

Shit, I don't know what
you talkin' about. Shit, I think I'm in love.

I sit on the porch all night
long with my legs open!

I just knew that motherfucker
was comin' back.

I said, "Yeah, Peter bug,
I'll be ya bitch."

Then he came back
with all his friends,

them motherfuckers
gang-raped my ass.

Hah. I don't know if that
motherfucker bit me was a passion mark

or if I was pregnant.

All I know I woke
up in the morning and I wanted to bite somebody.

[LAUGHING]

Ah, you know, Louisiana
got them big old mosquitos down there.

Big old mosquitos
and hurricanes, bad hurricanes down there.

You know the graves on
top of the ground,

you know, and somebody,
when the bad, bag storm come through,

you might see your uncle
floating down the street.

But when they had
that earthquake in Oakland on October 17, 1989,

I was living in Oakland
at the time.

Honey, that shit scared me
so bad, my booty was moving and I wasn't walking.

And, you know,
every time something catastrophic happens,

black people run to church.

Some of them ain't been
there in so long, they knock to get in.

You know I ain't lying.

Girl, after that earthquake,
church was packed.

And it's always
some big greasy heifer,

you know some big bitch with
chicken crumbs on her titties and shit, you know.

But she make the best fuckin'
Kool-Aid in the world,

you know what
I'm talkin' about?

Now, I seen the preacher
show us... I know this 'cause

my father's a minister back
in Louisiana.

He gets up in the pulpit,
he shows up 'cause see, he wants to get paid.

He gets up there
in the pulpit,

[PRETENDING TO SCAT]
"Ha-ha-ha-hum

"On October 17, 1989, ha!

"At 5:04 in the PM.
Ha!

"One of us said now,
ha!

"One of us said now, ha!

"One of us said now, hahaha!

"These are hard some times,

"I said these are
hard sometimes.

"I said it get hard,
hard, hard, hard, hard, hard sometimes!

"We will now raise
our offering."

You all look at me
and y'all sayin', "Damn, that's a big bitch."

No, I'm swollen.

I got thyroid problems.

I retain water.

Yeah, I've been on
a diet all my life.

I've been on a
diet since I was nine years old.

And I'm still wearing the same
size drawers I wore at nine.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But shit, I'm thin compared
to my friend Jamila she's a big bitch,

about Sasquatch size.

Just a big, fat,
greasy, fuck-ass gal.

You know the whole
goddamn family big,

just big motherfuckers.
You know what I'm talkin' about?

Just big fat-ass people.
Well fuck, they call me Peewee.

Big fat-ass people.
You know I'm talkin' big,

I remember when the girl
was a little baby.

All little babies
layin' around in the nursery

in their little bassinets with
their little booties on.

This bitch laying over there
in a daybed wearin' pumps.

All the little babies got
their little armbands on,

this bitch got a rope
tied round her arm.

The bitch can sing her ass
off to sing in the choir,

but she couldn't fit
through the church door.

The bitch had to sing alto
from the window.

Big! You hear what
I'm talkin' about?

And all the hot
shit in the house broke.

You ever go in people's house
and all the shit's broke?

Just did tore up every
goddamn thing in the house, good.

You can't even close
the front door, talkin' about you gotta push it hard.

You go in the bathroom,
that motherfucker rattlin'.

You gotta
shake it a little bit.

She talkin' about,
"Come on Simply, let's go run around the lake."

Now girl, you know when
you big, your thighs rub together.

Jamila start running her big
ass around that lake, set her coochie on fire.

Talkin' about,
"Call the fire truck!

"Call the fire truck!" I said,
"You better go jump your big ass in that lake."

This bitch jumped
in the lake,

came out the water with
three fish in her mouth.

Went home, didn't wash her
ass and I just put fresh clothes on her.

You know, didn't wash her ass.
I said to her,

"Jamila, why don't you
wash your ass? What you think FDS stand for?

"Fuck da soap?"

Good night, y'all.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Simply Marvelous.
Simply Marvelous.

How do I love thee, me?
Let me count the ways.

Simply Marvelous,
the gynecologist said call him.

Bring up my man.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Thanks for coming out.
God bless you and good night.

[CLOSING MUSIC PLAYING]

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