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00:00:10,358 --> 00:00:13,578
KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
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00:00:13,622 --> 00:00:15,672
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
3
00:00:34,599 --> 00:00:40,209
And now, your host,
Martin Lawrence!
4
00:00:40,257 --> 00:00:41,947
[CROWD CHEERING]
5
00:01:16,989 --> 00:01:19,639
Yo, man! I wasn't ready!
6
00:01:21,951 --> 00:01:24,431
But the show must go on.
I'm sorry, y'all.
7
00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:47,503
How y'all feel?
8
00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:56,329
Yeah. And that's right,
to the fellas, I ain't no sucka!
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00:01:56,377 --> 00:01:57,677
[EXCLAIMS]
10
00:01:59,728 --> 00:02:01,208
Don't come at me
like that!
11
00:02:03,906 --> 00:02:08,166
Now, is it me...
12
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:10,215
But it's hotter
than a motherfucker in here.
13
00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:14,180
Is it? I guess it's me.
Let me wipe off.
14
00:02:26,276 --> 00:02:30,186
This is my real shit!
I was packin' it once, but I'm not.
15
00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:33,497
So, I thought I was packin',
but I don't give a fuck.
16
00:02:33,544 --> 00:02:35,374
So, we gonna keep
this show rolling.
17
00:02:35,416 --> 00:02:38,806
Right, Kid Capri?
'Cause nobody believed I would do it.
18
00:02:38,854 --> 00:02:43,384
I'm here, I'm crazy,
I don't give a fuck and you my motherfuckers.
19
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:50,036
So, give it up for
Arnez J. Give it up!
20
00:02:50,082 --> 00:02:52,082
[MUSIC PLAYING]
21
00:03:29,296 --> 00:03:31,596
Don't act like you
don't know me now, nigga.
22
00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:40,569
Thought you'd never
see me again, huh? You remember me?
23
00:03:41,830 --> 00:03:43,700
You don't remember me?
24
00:03:43,745 --> 00:03:46,135
Hmm. What about
this way?
25
00:03:47,618 --> 00:03:49,788
I know he know me now!
26
00:03:58,150 --> 00:03:59,890
What's up, man?
I'm just playin'. What's happening?
27
00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:02,849
Got him, y'all!
28
00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:11,293
Man, life be a trip
though, man. Things be happenin'
29
00:04:11,338 --> 00:04:13,728
and... Oh, I'm sorry.
[COUGHS]
30
00:04:13,775 --> 00:04:17,555
I forgot ya'll were in here.
No, brothers, don't do this no more.
31
00:04:17,605 --> 00:04:20,165
When you're walking down
the street 'cause that don't even look right.
32
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:24,128
Feel good though,
don't it?
33
00:04:24,176 --> 00:04:26,826
Matter of fact,
why don't y'all hold on, man, 'cause I...
34
00:04:36,624 --> 00:04:37,804
You know,
what's a trip though?
35
00:04:37,842 --> 00:04:39,632
One thing, though,
I found out,
36
00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:42,110
you women,
and no offense, see?
37
00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:44,501
Everybody in the house,
if you don't like sex, let me hear you be quiet.
38
00:04:47,939 --> 00:04:51,639
See? 'Cause I got to have it,
but it's a trip and no offense to my Caucasian sisters,
39
00:04:51,682 --> 00:04:53,552
but I can't make love
to no white girl.
40
00:04:53,597 --> 00:04:58,987
Can't do it. See?
I need that black, burnt piece of African.
41
00:04:59,037 --> 00:05:02,777
I need... I need them BBs
down there, y'all.
42
00:05:02,824 --> 00:05:04,354
The mo nap, the mo dap!
43
00:05:06,393 --> 00:05:09,663
I got to have it!
44
00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:11,790
In fact, I'll tell you
why I can't make love to no white girl.
45
00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:13,403
White women
compliment you.
46
00:05:13,443 --> 00:05:15,273
They tell you thank you
when you're done.
47
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,355
I don't want no woman
telling me, "Thank you, baby."
48
00:05:17,404 --> 00:05:20,414
When I'm in there, I want
to be treated like a beast.
49
00:05:20,450 --> 00:05:23,580
'Cause I come in the
room with my eyes like this, somebody in trouble.
50
00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:25,797
And it ain't me.
51
00:05:25,847 --> 00:05:27,367
'Cause fellas, see,
I was making love to a white girl one time, right?
52
00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:28,764
That's right, sisters,
I slipped, but I'm back.
53
00:05:32,549 --> 00:05:34,769
And I'm makin' love
to this white girl
54
00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:36,642
and I'm giving her that
old African Mandingo.
55
00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:40,124
That make love...
[MUMBLING]
56
00:05:40,862 --> 00:05:42,082
[HOLLERING]
57
00:05:47,564 --> 00:05:50,224
She couldn't handle it,
so I said, "I'm gonna do the same thing to a sister
58
00:05:50,262 --> 00:05:51,352
"when I get a hold of one."
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00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:57,271
I said, "Yo mama, wassup?
I need you."
60
00:05:59,097 --> 00:06:02,577
Sister said,
"You sure you want some of this?"
61
00:06:02,623 --> 00:06:04,323
"I see it, baby. I said
I want it now!"
62
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:07,414
Sister said, "You sure,
you want some of this?"
63
00:06:07,454 --> 00:06:09,194
Fellas, I knew I had her.
I jumped in that stuff.
64
00:06:09,238 --> 00:06:12,548
I was like, "Pow! Ha-ha!
Daddy's back now!
65
00:06:12,589 --> 00:06:14,459
"Oh, you gonna say
something to me?"
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00:06:14,504 --> 00:06:16,424
She said, "You sure
you want me?" I said, "I'm in here."
67
00:06:16,463 --> 00:06:18,253
Sister said...
68
00:06:18,290 --> 00:06:19,940
[DEMONIC VOICE]
"Are you sure you want some of this?
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00:06:19,988 --> 00:06:22,558
"You said you wanted some!
Don't you run away from me!"
70
00:06:22,599 --> 00:06:27,129
I'm like... [SCREAMING]
"Let go of me! I'm sorry! Let go!"
71
00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:47,410
Man! Hold on!
Now see, you sisters,
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00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:50,580
you women piss me off and
I'm gonna tell you why.
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00:06:50,627 --> 00:06:54,107
See, every time
we make love to y'all,
74
00:06:54,152 --> 00:06:55,852
y'all always want us
to do that one thing.
75
00:06:55,893 --> 00:06:57,333
And see,
those white guys started it.
76
00:07:00,071 --> 00:07:02,331
Every time we
make love to y'all, y'all always want us to...
77
00:07:05,250 --> 00:07:07,510
I'm gonna tell
you how I know. Let me explain to you, sister.
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00:07:07,557 --> 00:07:10,427
I was eating at a restaurant
one day. And something was real nasty on my plate
79
00:07:10,473 --> 00:07:12,083
and I was trying
to get it off. It was on my tongue.
80
00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:14,347
I'm like, "Ew! Ew!"
81
00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:16,780
This girl all the way at
the other end of the restaurant, she was like...
82
00:07:32,756 --> 00:07:38,806
Man! My name's Arnez J.
Have a good night!
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00:07:47,292 --> 00:07:49,772
Give it up for my man Arnez.
Give it up.
84
00:07:53,734 --> 00:07:58,004
Thank you. You know,
I'd like to acknowledge some people in the house.
85
00:07:58,042 --> 00:08:01,662
Q-Tip from Tribe
called Quest. Give it up!
86
00:08:01,698 --> 00:08:02,868
[APPLAUSE]
87
00:08:06,398 --> 00:08:08,488
Treach from
Naughty By Nature.
88
00:08:08,531 --> 00:08:09,751
What's up, man?
89
00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:15,319
Thank you for this shirt.
I needed some clothes to get dressed.
90
00:08:15,364 --> 00:08:20,944
Thank you very much.
Y'all having a good time? Y'all are a hell of a crowd.
91
00:08:20,978 --> 00:08:25,678
Oh, coming to the stage,
you may have seen her on Saturday Night Live.
92
00:08:25,722 --> 00:08:27,862
Give it up for
Ellen Cleghorne.
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00:08:38,735 --> 00:08:42,215
Hi! How y'all doing?AUDIENCE: Fine...
94
00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:45,260
Good! I think this
is real nice, all these black people.
95
00:08:45,307 --> 00:08:47,737
I like what Russell
Simmons is doing for the comedians.
96
00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:52,048
This is nice.
This is real nice.
97
00:08:52,096 --> 00:08:55,796
Not 'cause we notoriously
be missing from TV.
98
00:08:55,839 --> 00:08:58,229
And nobody
come to look for us.
99
00:08:58,276 --> 00:09:00,576
I'm serious.
I was watching TV in Denver.
100
00:09:00,627 --> 00:09:02,277
You know how you can
go away and see things differently?
101
00:09:02,324 --> 00:09:03,544
They got the same TV
as here.
102
00:09:03,586 --> 00:09:05,406
It's just
a little bit slower.
103
00:09:05,457 --> 00:09:07,587
And I was watching TV
and I was flipping the channels.
104
00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:11,774
I was thinking, "Damn! How
come there ain't no black game show hosts on TV?"
105
00:09:11,812 --> 00:09:15,422
We don't have no game
show hosts. Not one. We don't spin the wheel,
106
00:09:15,467 --> 00:09:18,777
we don't turn the letters,
we don't build the pyramid, nothing!
107
00:09:18,819 --> 00:09:21,909
Like, what do they think
we gonna say if we host a game show?
108
00:09:21,952 --> 00:09:26,302
What could we say?
"Yo, yo! Money!"
109
00:09:26,348 --> 00:09:29,048
What we got for
the motherfuckers that didn't know shit?
110
00:09:35,183 --> 00:09:36,713
All right.
For motherfuckers
111
00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:40,320
that didn't know
shit. Ha-ha!
112
00:09:42,973 --> 00:09:44,583
We ain't got shit!
113
00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:51,982
Back to you, Ted.
You punk motherfucker.
114
00:09:56,291 --> 00:09:59,951
Not even no
turtle wax? Damn!
115
00:09:59,990 --> 00:10:02,250
I live in New York.
I'm originally from Brooklyn,
116
00:10:02,297 --> 00:10:07,647
but now I live uptown
on 109... Oh! Brooklyn in the house!
117
00:10:07,694 --> 00:10:11,484
But now I live in Manhattan.
I live on 193rd Street and Broadway
118
00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:12,833
in the Dominican Republic.
119
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:21,880
You know it! I love living
around Spanish men because they're not that particular.
120
00:10:21,925 --> 00:10:23,745
They boost your ego.
121
00:10:23,797 --> 00:10:25,627
You step out your house
early in the morning to get the newspaper,
122
00:10:25,668 --> 00:10:27,668
lint balls in your hair,
your shoes are run over. They be like...
123
00:10:27,714 --> 00:10:33,814
[IMITATES KISSING]
"Ay, mira mami! You lookin' good!
124
00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:36,070
"Damn, I like,
your eye make-up!"
125
00:10:36,113 --> 00:10:38,553
I got a big clump of mucus
in my eye.
126
00:10:40,335 --> 00:10:42,855
Thank you for not
being particular!
127
00:10:42,903 --> 00:10:46,823
So, we were married.
I speak...
128
00:10:46,863 --> 00:10:50,043
I speak Spanish.
A lot of people ask me do I have Spanish in me
129
00:10:50,084 --> 00:10:53,264
and I be like, "No.
I used to have Spanish in me and then I put him out."
130
00:10:58,745 --> 00:11:02,395
He had to go.
But I do have the boyfriend that I live with
131
00:11:02,444 --> 00:11:04,194
and then the guys
that I date and...
132
00:11:14,238 --> 00:11:18,898
My boyfriend is African.
His name is Zimbuwabe. You know him?
133
00:11:19,809 --> 00:11:21,289
He sold you that watch?
134
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:29,040
Child, it's gonna break.
Don't you worry about it.
135
00:11:29,079 --> 00:11:31,729
No, he's real
dark-skinned. I like a dark-skinned man.
136
00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:33,868
He's really dark.
He's like...
137
00:11:33,910 --> 00:11:38,610
He is! The blacker the berry,
the sweeter the juice, right?
138
00:11:38,654 --> 00:11:43,314
He is really dark.
He's darker than you. He's dark. He's like...
139
00:11:43,354 --> 00:11:45,274
He's like navy and...
140
00:11:48,925 --> 00:11:51,665
And my grandma hates him
'cause he's dark-skinned.
141
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,581
That's her only reason
for hating him.
142
00:11:53,625 --> 00:11:55,795
She hates him 'cause he's
dark-skinned. Don't worry, she's black too.
143
00:11:55,845 --> 00:11:57,885
It's just that she's like that
real light-skinned black.
144
00:11:57,934 --> 00:11:59,984
You know, that,
"I wish I wasn't but I am?"
145
00:12:00,023 --> 00:12:03,293
She hates him and every
time he calls over to the house looking for me,
146
00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:05,681
she's like, "That black
thing called!"
147
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,415
I'm like, "Grandma,
we're black too."
148
00:12:07,465 --> 00:12:08,895
"Yeah, but we ain't
that black.
149
00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:11,115
"We ain't been that black
in a long time.
150
00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:14,815
"It took us this long
to get this color and now you gonna mess it up.
151
00:12:14,864 --> 00:12:18,224
"Then you gonna have them
nappy-headed kids!"
152
00:12:19,956 --> 00:12:23,046
I have a daughter.
She's six. Her name is Akela Briana.
153
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:25,090
That's a Swahili name.
154
00:12:25,135 --> 00:12:27,615
You know, Swahili,
the language that we speak in the Bronx.
155
00:12:27,659 --> 00:12:29,709
And when you translate that,
that means
156
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,579
"Bitch, don't even think
about getting pregnant."
157
00:12:32,621 --> 00:12:34,711
And I like her. She's my
best friend and everything,
158
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,504
but there's two things
that she does that really makes me mad.
159
00:12:37,539 --> 00:12:41,629
Like, if I punish her,
she'll call my mother up to complain about me.
160
00:12:41,673 --> 00:12:43,503
On my phone.
161
00:12:43,545 --> 00:12:47,765
Be like, "Grandma?
Grandma, mommy put me on punishment.
162
00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:52,636
"No, I ain't did nothin'!
Uh-uh!
163
00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:55,563
"She just crazy!
164
00:12:57,602 --> 00:13:00,342
[MOCK CRYING]
165
00:13:02,999 --> 00:13:05,959
"See? All right.
166
00:13:06,002 --> 00:13:09,962
[STAMMERING] "See... Okay.
See... All right? See... Okay.
167
00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:15,006
"See, I broke her new lipstick
and I knew she would be mad,
168
00:13:16,317 --> 00:13:17,747
"so I ate it.
169
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,240
"And then I ate a crayon
to kill the taste
170
00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:26,151
"and I drank some glue.
171
00:13:31,027 --> 00:13:34,807
"Okay! Mommy!
172
00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:37,427
"Grandma said
why you don't feed me?"
173
00:13:50,742 --> 00:13:53,702
Give another round
of applause for Ellen Cleghorne.
174
00:13:57,445 --> 00:13:59,705
All right.
Coming to the stage.
175
00:13:59,751 --> 00:14:03,541
This brother is
16 years old.
176
00:14:03,581 --> 00:14:07,981
And I'm very proud of
that fact because he could be out robbin' somebody
177
00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:10,721
or carrying a gun to school,
but the brother's here to make you laugh.
178
00:14:10,762 --> 00:14:13,852
So make sure you give it
up for my man, Aries Spears.
179
00:14:13,896 --> 00:14:14,846
[APPLAUSE]
180
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:24,597
How y'all doing?
181
00:14:24,646 --> 00:14:27,426
All right. You know,
with all the issues in the news today,
182
00:14:27,475 --> 00:14:29,775
everything is
sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
183
00:14:29,825 --> 00:14:32,915
You know, sex is
scary nowadays because shit is out there.
184
00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:35,959
So, we got to warn the
kids, man, and what better way to warn them
185
00:14:36,005 --> 00:14:39,745
than through shit
they do the most? Watch cartoons.
186
00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:42,191
Picture coming down
the steps one morning
187
00:14:42,229 --> 00:14:45,709
and your little kids watching
their favorite Saturday morning cartoons having sex.
188
00:14:45,754 --> 00:14:47,764
Picture Mr. Magoo fuckin'.
189
00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:49,279
[GRUNTING]
190
00:14:56,983 --> 00:15:00,293
Wouldn't that be
some bugged-out shit?
191
00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:04,384
You know who would be
real bugged out? Picture... Picture Snagglepuss fuckin'.
192
00:15:04,425 --> 00:15:06,165
[IMITATING SNAGGLEPUSS]
Oh my God, I can't believe this.
193
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:07,649
This is so good.
194
00:15:07,689 --> 00:15:09,429
I think I'm gonna
come again.
195
00:15:09,473 --> 00:15:11,353
What a wonderful feeling.
196
00:15:11,388 --> 00:15:13,218
[NORMAL VOICE]
Would be some bugged-out shit.
197
00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:15,570
Picture the first time
Scooby-Doo got some pussy.
198
00:15:15,610 --> 00:15:17,050
Scooby-Doo was like...
199
00:15:17,090 --> 00:15:19,830
[IMITATES SCOOBY DOO]
200
00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:23,009
He busts that nut...
201
00:15:23,052 --> 00:15:24,972
[IMITATES SCOOBY-DOO]
Scooby-Dooby-Doo!
202
00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:26,801
[NORMAL VOICE]
Man, crazy shit, man.
203
00:15:26,838 --> 00:15:29,618
Picture... Picture
Elmer Fudd fuckin'.
204
00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:32,277
Elmer Fudd would have
a good time because Elmer Fudd would be like,
205
00:15:32,322 --> 00:15:37,152
[IMITATES ELMER FUDD]
Oh, this is wowey. Oh...
206
00:15:40,069 --> 00:15:43,679
Wower. To the weft!
To the... Ah...
207
00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:50,084
[NORMAL VOICE]
You know what?
208
00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:51,783
[CLEARS THROAT]
With Bill Cosby being gone off the air and shit,
209
00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:54,080
they gonna need somebody
to do Jello Pudding commercials.
210
00:15:54,127 --> 00:15:55,997
And I thought about some
shit that scared me.
211
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:57,872
What would happen
if Andrew Dice Clay
212
00:15:57,913 --> 00:15:59,483
did Jello Pudding
commercials?
213
00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:00,873
That shit would look
something like this...
214
00:16:09,838 --> 00:16:12,798
[IMITATES ANDREW DICE CLAY]
Okay, you fat tub of shit, listen up.
215
00:16:12,841 --> 00:16:14,231
[BLOWS AIR]
216
00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:16,887
I got two fuckin' kids.
They're like, "Oh!
217
00:16:16,932 --> 00:16:19,462
"Buy me some fuckin' Jello!"
Fuckin' blow me!
218
00:16:25,201 --> 00:16:27,551
Check this out,
I got a fuckin' story for you.
219
00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:30,285
It's Saturday night,
I got this broad in my car.
220
00:16:30,337 --> 00:16:33,777
She's like, "Oh, okay..."
Shut the fuck up.
221
00:16:33,818 --> 00:16:35,338
You know
what I'm talking about.
222
00:16:38,649 --> 00:16:42,869
So, anyway.
I look in my house. I got this Jello gelatin shit.
223
00:16:42,914 --> 00:16:45,874
It's like dick grease.
I slide it on.
224
00:16:48,877 --> 00:16:52,047
Next thing you know,
we're bangin', suckin', fuckin'. I'm doin' shit to her
225
00:16:52,098 --> 00:16:55,928
you wouldn't do
to a fuckin' farm animal, you know.
226
00:16:55,971 --> 00:16:58,541
So, fellas, the next time
you got a hot fuckin' date,
227
00:16:58,582 --> 00:17:01,502
get some Jello fuckin'
gelatin, oh!
228
00:17:07,852 --> 00:17:11,382
[NORMAL VOICE]
I'm gonna tell you something, though. Oh, oh shit.
229
00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:13,081
I did some shit
a while back.
230
00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:15,689
If anybody go to
the bathroom, now would be the best time.
231
00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:19,260
You ever have to
take a shit and it's the real big one?
232
00:17:19,299 --> 00:17:21,609
And you go in
to the stall and you try to be quiet.
233
00:17:21,649 --> 00:17:24,089
You hope it's just you
and your shit.
234
00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:27,740
But you start...
Try to stay quiet and you be... [GRUNTS]
235
00:17:27,785 --> 00:17:31,045
[FART SOUNDS]
Trying to be quiet and shit.
236
00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:33,103
Scrunched up.
And most people, when they take a shit,
237
00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:35,179
they don't even
wash their hands. They go straight out.
238
00:17:35,228 --> 00:17:37,228
But you ain't gonna
do that if you have somebody lookin' at you.
239
00:17:37,273 --> 00:17:39,283
You're gonna
be like, "Stink ass motherfucker."
240
00:17:39,319 --> 00:17:41,019
So, go wash your shit.
I'm gonna tell you something
241
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,060
that bizarred the shit
out of me.
242
00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:46,755
I was in a bathroom once
and I saw Michael Jackson taking a shit.
243
00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:48,684
You know, that would be
something, because Michael Jackson
244
00:17:48,719 --> 00:17:50,109
would turn that shit
into a video.
245
00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:51,456
Michael be like...
246
00:18:13,483 --> 00:18:15,573
Michael be like...
Michael busts into the bathroom.
247
00:18:33,286 --> 00:18:34,676
Michael get
to takin' a shit...
248
00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:41,253
Oh! Oh! Oh!
249
00:18:48,649 --> 00:18:52,349
Whoo-hoo!
250
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:56,352
Michael get to doin' all
that damn grunting, be like... [GRUNTING]
251
00:19:01,705 --> 00:19:06,055
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
252
00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:10,626
Ahh!
253
00:19:13,282 --> 00:19:16,202
My name is Aries Spears.
I dedicate this show to my mother. Peace!
254
00:19:26,077 --> 00:19:29,167
Aries Spears! Give it
up for my man, Aries Spears.
255
00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:32,685
Oh, I'm just cleaning up
this one.
256
00:19:35,826 --> 00:19:39,086
Yo. Give it up
for my man, William Stephenson.
257
00:19:46,272 --> 00:19:49,192
Thank you very much!
I feel the love and I smell damn good.
258
00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:51,231
How are y'all?
259
00:19:51,277 --> 00:19:53,757
Women, when you break up
with your man,
260
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:55,591
and you will break up
with him eventually...
261
00:19:58,153 --> 00:20:03,073
Never go over to his house
wearing anything that he bought you.
262
00:20:03,114 --> 00:20:07,554
'Cause you'll have
to leave that house butt-naked, all right?
263
00:20:07,597 --> 00:20:10,167
I broke up with this woman.
I had my hands around her neck.
264
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,469
She thought I was
trying to choke her,
265
00:20:12,515 --> 00:20:15,515
but I was just trying to get
that perfume off 'cause I bought that shit
266
00:20:15,562 --> 00:20:17,002
and I'm taking it with me.
267
00:20:23,787 --> 00:20:25,617
I love women but
I just don't understand
268
00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,659
a lot of the things
that y'all do.
269
00:20:27,704 --> 00:20:29,924
Why is it when a man
and a woman walk down the street together,
270
00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:32,227
the man always has
to walk near the curb?
271
00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:35,764
Oh, in case a car
jumps the curb.
272
00:20:35,799 --> 00:20:40,409
Me being a man, I can
absorb the impact of a 4,000 pound vehicle.
273
00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:42,276
No, you ever see me
on the street with a woman,
274
00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:44,108
it's going to be
single file, all right?
275
00:20:48,986 --> 00:20:52,726
I know how to start
an argument with any woman at any time
276
00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:58,133
by saying the following
two words, "What's wrong?"
277
00:20:58,169 --> 00:21:01,429
And women always
say the same thing. "Well, why you say that?"
278
00:21:01,477 --> 00:21:05,177
"Oh, I don't know, I just
figured, you know, since you just asked the waiter
279
00:21:05,220 --> 00:21:09,050
"for a side order of my balls,
you might have a little problem with me or something."
280
00:21:12,706 --> 00:21:15,966
I know what women don't
like. Women don't like for men to fall asleep
281
00:21:16,013 --> 00:21:18,763
right after we... You know
what I'm saying.
282
00:21:18,799 --> 00:21:21,929
Ladies, let me give
you a hint on how to get along with us better.
283
00:21:21,976 --> 00:21:23,276
Get over it, all right?
284
00:21:28,069 --> 00:21:32,639
But what do you do while
we're lying there snoring?
285
00:21:32,682 --> 00:21:35,082
I mean, after you go through
our wallets and everything.
286
00:21:38,035 --> 00:21:41,165
On occasion, a women
will fall asleep before a man will,
287
00:21:41,212 --> 00:21:44,262
you have no idea
what we're doing. So I'll tell you.
288
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:47,483
First we smoke
a cigarette until there's no filter left.
289
00:21:47,523 --> 00:21:51,353
Then we circle the bed nine
times and as we do, we look down at you
290
00:21:51,397 --> 00:21:56,837
and very warmly,
very tenderly, very lovingly, we say to ourselves,
291
00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,670
"I knocked your ass out."
292
00:22:08,239 --> 00:22:12,289
So, I live in Brooklyn
but I'm originally from Detroit, Michigan
293
00:22:12,331 --> 00:22:16,201
and I can prove it.
I speak fluent Temptationese.
294
00:22:16,247 --> 00:22:17,987
Because for me,
it was the only way to get a woman
295
00:22:18,032 --> 00:22:19,512
to even look at me
back in Detroit.
296
00:22:19,555 --> 00:22:21,115
For example,
what's your name?
297
00:22:21,165 --> 00:22:22,425
Michelle, if you were
in Detroit right now,
298
00:22:22,471 --> 00:22:26,001
I could walk
up to you and I could say,
299
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,610
"If good looks were a minute,
you would be an hour."
300
00:22:29,609 --> 00:22:33,659
Temptations, 1964.
301
00:22:33,700 --> 00:22:36,920
And if we were in Detroit
right now, she would have melted all over her clothes,
302
00:22:36,964 --> 00:22:39,974
but this does not
work here in New York City and I know.
303
00:22:40,010 --> 00:22:41,230
I tried this on
a woman here.
304
00:22:41,272 --> 00:22:42,882
She looked
at me and said,
305
00:22:42,926 --> 00:22:45,756
"If good looks
were within your reach,
306
00:22:45,799 --> 00:22:47,279
"you wouldn't have
no fuckin' arms."
307
00:22:59,116 --> 00:23:01,596
So, I looked back at her
308
00:23:01,641 --> 00:23:03,561
and I said,
"Well, if cucumbers was collard greens,
309
00:23:03,599 --> 00:23:05,779
"your ass might fit
in them jeans."
310
00:23:07,603 --> 00:23:09,263
I had no problem with her
after that.
311
00:23:11,825 --> 00:23:15,085
So, so, so, so
there's a brother out here look like
312
00:23:15,132 --> 00:23:17,442
Clarence Thomas,
where are you?
313
00:23:17,483 --> 00:23:20,573
Now, I'd knew Clarence
Thomas was lying the first time I saw him.
314
00:23:20,616 --> 00:23:23,836
'Cause he got bugs
on the back of his head.
315
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:25,750
Well, black men don't comb
their hair all the way down,
316
00:23:25,795 --> 00:23:28,315
these little rings of
hair start poppin' up?
317
00:23:28,363 --> 00:23:31,193
That Friday morning when
Clarence got all upset, he should have stood up
318
00:23:31,235 --> 00:23:35,495
in front of all those people
and said, "Senators, because of all the speculations
319
00:23:35,544 --> 00:23:37,854
"as to the size
of my Johnson,
320
00:23:37,894 --> 00:23:40,334
"if you move your table back
a few feet, I can straighten this out right now."
321
00:23:45,206 --> 00:23:47,466
I don't have a car so
I ride the subway,
322
00:23:47,513 --> 00:23:50,433
and I sat next to one
of the onion people. You ever do that?
323
00:23:50,472 --> 00:23:53,432
These are the people when
you sit next to them, your eyes water all up.
324
00:23:57,261 --> 00:23:59,531
You don't know whether to
inhale or fuckin' die.
325
00:24:02,005 --> 00:24:04,085
And you can't just move
to another seat
326
00:24:04,138 --> 00:24:05,438
'cause you don't want
everybody to know
327
00:24:05,487 --> 00:24:07,617
that you can't sit next
to the funky people.
328
00:24:07,663 --> 00:24:10,713
So, you sit there
for as long as you can
329
00:24:10,753 --> 00:24:15,153
and you stare at those
anal wart commercials they got up there.
330
00:24:15,192 --> 00:24:18,112
All right, this is a...
This is a poem I wrote
331
00:24:18,152 --> 00:24:21,332
about a woman
I no longer have sex with.
332
00:24:21,372 --> 00:24:24,162
It is entitled, "Your Hair
Weave Is Causing Me Problems."
333
00:24:29,163 --> 00:24:31,513
To love you, right?
334
00:24:33,210 --> 00:24:37,610
I must touch you and feel
what it feels like.
335
00:24:37,650 --> 00:24:40,870
But your hair weave
is causing me problems.
336
00:24:40,914 --> 00:24:43,744
'Cause I can't get
my hand through the part of your head
337
00:24:43,786 --> 00:24:46,526
that's not your hair.
338
00:24:46,572 --> 00:24:49,842
Someone must have told you
and you must have believed
339
00:24:49,879 --> 00:24:52,929
that hair short and nappy
was not well-received.
340
00:24:52,969 --> 00:24:58,629
But each nap is your nap
and that's the part that I wanted to wed.
341
00:24:58,671 --> 00:25:00,541
So, hope you can sleep with
my arm in your face
342
00:25:00,586 --> 00:25:02,716
'cause I can't get my hand
out your head.
343
00:25:02,762 --> 00:25:04,332
Thank you very much.
344
00:25:17,951 --> 00:25:20,391
Boom. Russell,
come on, man.
345
00:25:20,431 --> 00:25:21,481
Say good night.
346
00:25:27,917 --> 00:25:30,697
Thanks for coming out.
Good night and God bless you.
347
00:25:30,746 --> 00:25:32,746
[MUSIC PLAYING]
348
00:25:32,796 --> 00:25:37,346
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