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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:10,358 --> 00:00:13,578 KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam. 2 00:00:13,622 --> 00:00:15,672 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 3 00:00:34,599 --> 00:00:40,209 And now, your host, Martin Lawrence! 4 00:00:40,257 --> 00:00:41,947 [CROWD CHEERING] 5 00:01:16,989 --> 00:01:19,639 Yo, man! I wasn't ready! 6 00:01:21,951 --> 00:01:24,431 But the show must go on. I'm sorry, y'all. 7 00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:47,503 How y'all feel? 8 00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:56,329 Yeah. And that's right, to the fellas, I ain't no sucka! 9 00:01:56,377 --> 00:01:57,677 [EXCLAIMS] 10 00:01:59,728 --> 00:02:01,208 Don't come at me like that! 11 00:02:03,906 --> 00:02:08,166 Now, is it me... 12 00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:10,215 But it's hotter than a motherfucker in here. 13 00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:14,180 Is it? I guess it's me. Let me wipe off. 14 00:02:26,276 --> 00:02:30,186 This is my real shit! I was packin' it once, but I'm not. 15 00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:33,497 So, I thought I was packin', but I don't give a fuck. 16 00:02:33,544 --> 00:02:35,374 So, we gonna keep this show rolling. 17 00:02:35,416 --> 00:02:38,806 Right, Kid Capri? 'Cause nobody believed I would do it. 18 00:02:38,854 --> 00:02:43,384 I'm here, I'm crazy, I don't give a fuck and you my motherfuckers. 19 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:50,036 So, give it up for Arnez J. Give it up! 20 00:02:50,082 --> 00:02:52,082 [MUSIC PLAYING] 21 00:03:29,296 --> 00:03:31,596 Don't act like you don't know me now, nigga. 22 00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:40,569 Thought you'd never see me again, huh? You remember me? 23 00:03:41,830 --> 00:03:43,700 You don't remember me? 24 00:03:43,745 --> 00:03:46,135 Hmm. What about this way? 25 00:03:47,618 --> 00:03:49,788 I know he know me now! 26 00:03:58,150 --> 00:03:59,890 What's up, man? I'm just playin'. What's happening? 27 00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:02,849 Got him, y'all! 28 00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:11,293 Man, life be a trip though, man. Things be happenin' 29 00:04:11,338 --> 00:04:13,728 and... Oh, I'm sorry. [COUGHS] 30 00:04:13,775 --> 00:04:17,555 I forgot ya'll were in here. No, brothers, don't do this no more. 31 00:04:17,605 --> 00:04:20,165 When you're walking down the street 'cause that don't even look right. 32 00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:24,128 Feel good though, don't it? 33 00:04:24,176 --> 00:04:26,826 Matter of fact, why don't y'all hold on, man, 'cause I... 34 00:04:36,624 --> 00:04:37,804 You know, what's a trip though? 35 00:04:37,842 --> 00:04:39,632 One thing, though, I found out, 36 00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:42,110 you women, and no offense, see? 37 00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:44,501 Everybody in the house, if you don't like sex, let me hear you be quiet. 38 00:04:47,939 --> 00:04:51,639 See? 'Cause I got to have it, but it's a trip and no offense to my Caucasian sisters, 39 00:04:51,682 --> 00:04:53,552 but I can't make love to no white girl. 40 00:04:53,597 --> 00:04:58,987 Can't do it. See? I need that black, burnt piece of African. 41 00:04:59,037 --> 00:05:02,777 I need... I need them BBs down there, y'all. 42 00:05:02,824 --> 00:05:04,354 The mo nap, the mo dap! 43 00:05:06,393 --> 00:05:09,663 I got to have it! 44 00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:11,790 In fact, I'll tell you why I can't make love to no white girl. 45 00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:13,403 White women compliment you. 46 00:05:13,443 --> 00:05:15,273 They tell you thank you when you're done. 47 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,355 I don't want no woman telling me, "Thank you, baby." 48 00:05:17,404 --> 00:05:20,414 When I'm in there, I want to be treated like a beast. 49 00:05:20,450 --> 00:05:23,580 'Cause I come in the room with my eyes like this, somebody in trouble. 50 00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:25,797 And it ain't me. 51 00:05:25,847 --> 00:05:27,367 'Cause fellas, see, I was making love to a white girl one time, right? 52 00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:28,764 That's right, sisters, I slipped, but I'm back. 53 00:05:32,549 --> 00:05:34,769 And I'm makin' love to this white girl 54 00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:36,642 and I'm giving her that old African Mandingo. 55 00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:40,124 That make love... [MUMBLING] 56 00:05:40,862 --> 00:05:42,082 [HOLLERING] 57 00:05:47,564 --> 00:05:50,224 She couldn't handle it, so I said, "I'm gonna do the same thing to a sister 58 00:05:50,262 --> 00:05:51,352 "when I get a hold of one." 59 00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:57,271 I said, "Yo mama, wassup? I need you." 60 00:05:59,097 --> 00:06:02,577 Sister said, "You sure you want some of this?" 61 00:06:02,623 --> 00:06:04,323 "I see it, baby. I said I want it now!" 62 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:07,414 Sister said, "You sure, you want some of this?" 63 00:06:07,454 --> 00:06:09,194 Fellas, I knew I had her. I jumped in that stuff. 64 00:06:09,238 --> 00:06:12,548 I was like, "Pow! Ha-ha! Daddy's back now! 65 00:06:12,589 --> 00:06:14,459 "Oh, you gonna say something to me?" 66 00:06:14,504 --> 00:06:16,424 She said, "You sure you want me?" I said, "I'm in here." 67 00:06:16,463 --> 00:06:18,253 Sister said... 68 00:06:18,290 --> 00:06:19,940 [DEMONIC VOICE] "Are you sure you want some of this? 69 00:06:19,988 --> 00:06:22,558 "You said you wanted some! Don't you run away from me!" 70 00:06:22,599 --> 00:06:27,129 I'm like... [SCREAMING] "Let go of me! I'm sorry! Let go!" 71 00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:47,410 Man! Hold on! Now see, you sisters, 72 00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:50,580 you women piss me off and I'm gonna tell you why. 73 00:06:50,627 --> 00:06:54,107 See, every time we make love to y'all, 74 00:06:54,152 --> 00:06:55,852 y'all always want us to do that one thing. 75 00:06:55,893 --> 00:06:57,333 And see, those white guys started it. 76 00:07:00,071 --> 00:07:02,331 Every time we make love to y'all, y'all always want us to... 77 00:07:05,250 --> 00:07:07,510 I'm gonna tell you how I know. Let me explain to you, sister. 78 00:07:07,557 --> 00:07:10,427 I was eating at a restaurant one day. And something was real nasty on my plate 79 00:07:10,473 --> 00:07:12,083 and I was trying to get it off. It was on my tongue. 80 00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:14,347 I'm like, "Ew! Ew!" 81 00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:16,780 This girl all the way at the other end of the restaurant, she was like... 82 00:07:32,756 --> 00:07:38,806 Man! My name's Arnez J. Have a good night! 83 00:07:47,292 --> 00:07:49,772 Give it up for my man Arnez. Give it up. 84 00:07:53,734 --> 00:07:58,004 Thank you. You know, I'd like to acknowledge some people in the house. 85 00:07:58,042 --> 00:08:01,662 Q-Tip from Tribe called Quest. Give it up! 86 00:08:01,698 --> 00:08:02,868 [APPLAUSE] 87 00:08:06,398 --> 00:08:08,488 Treach from Naughty By Nature. 88 00:08:08,531 --> 00:08:09,751 What's up, man? 89 00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:15,319 Thank you for this shirt. I needed some clothes to get dressed. 90 00:08:15,364 --> 00:08:20,944 Thank you very much. Y'all having a good time? Y'all are a hell of a crowd. 91 00:08:20,978 --> 00:08:25,678 Oh, coming to the stage, you may have seen her on Saturday Night Live. 92 00:08:25,722 --> 00:08:27,862 Give it up for Ellen Cleghorne. 93 00:08:38,735 --> 00:08:42,215 Hi! How y'all doing?AUDIENCE: Fine... 94 00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:45,260 Good! I think this is real nice, all these black people. 95 00:08:45,307 --> 00:08:47,737 I like what Russell Simmons is doing for the comedians. 96 00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:52,048 This is nice. This is real nice. 97 00:08:52,096 --> 00:08:55,796 Not 'cause we notoriously be missing from TV. 98 00:08:55,839 --> 00:08:58,229 And nobody come to look for us. 99 00:08:58,276 --> 00:09:00,576 I'm serious. I was watching TV in Denver. 100 00:09:00,627 --> 00:09:02,277 You know how you can go away and see things differently? 101 00:09:02,324 --> 00:09:03,544 They got the same TV as here. 102 00:09:03,586 --> 00:09:05,406 It's just a little bit slower. 103 00:09:05,457 --> 00:09:07,587 And I was watching TV and I was flipping the channels. 104 00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:11,774 I was thinking, "Damn! How come there ain't no black game show hosts on TV?" 105 00:09:11,812 --> 00:09:15,422 We don't have no game show hosts. Not one. We don't spin the wheel, 106 00:09:15,467 --> 00:09:18,777 we don't turn the letters, we don't build the pyramid, nothing! 107 00:09:18,819 --> 00:09:21,909 Like, what do they think we gonna say if we host a game show? 108 00:09:21,952 --> 00:09:26,302 What could we say? "Yo, yo! Money!" 109 00:09:26,348 --> 00:09:29,048 What we got for the motherfuckers that didn't know shit? 110 00:09:35,183 --> 00:09:36,713 All right. For motherfuckers 111 00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:40,320 that didn't know shit. Ha-ha! 112 00:09:42,973 --> 00:09:44,583 We ain't got shit! 113 00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:51,982 Back to you, Ted. You punk motherfucker. 114 00:09:56,291 --> 00:09:59,951 Not even no turtle wax? Damn! 115 00:09:59,990 --> 00:10:02,250 I live in New York. I'm originally from Brooklyn, 116 00:10:02,297 --> 00:10:07,647 but now I live uptown on 109... Oh! Brooklyn in the house! 117 00:10:07,694 --> 00:10:11,484 But now I live in Manhattan. I live on 193rd Street and Broadway 118 00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:12,833 in the Dominican Republic. 119 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:21,880 You know it! I love living around Spanish men because they're not that particular. 120 00:10:21,925 --> 00:10:23,745 They boost your ego. 121 00:10:23,797 --> 00:10:25,627 You step out your house early in the morning to get the newspaper, 122 00:10:25,668 --> 00:10:27,668 lint balls in your hair, your shoes are run over. They be like... 123 00:10:27,714 --> 00:10:33,814 [IMITATES KISSING] "Ay, mira mami! You lookin' good! 124 00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:36,070 "Damn, I like, your eye make-up!" 125 00:10:36,113 --> 00:10:38,553 I got a big clump of mucus in my eye. 126 00:10:40,335 --> 00:10:42,855 Thank you for not being particular! 127 00:10:42,903 --> 00:10:46,823 So, we were married. I speak... 128 00:10:46,863 --> 00:10:50,043 I speak Spanish. A lot of people ask me do I have Spanish in me 129 00:10:50,084 --> 00:10:53,264 and I be like, "No. I used to have Spanish in me and then I put him out." 130 00:10:58,745 --> 00:11:02,395 He had to go. But I do have the boyfriend that I live with 131 00:11:02,444 --> 00:11:04,194 and then the guys that I date and... 132 00:11:14,238 --> 00:11:18,898 My boyfriend is African. His name is Zimbuwabe. You know him? 133 00:11:19,809 --> 00:11:21,289 He sold you that watch? 134 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:29,040 Child, it's gonna break. Don't you worry about it. 135 00:11:29,079 --> 00:11:31,729 No, he's real dark-skinned. I like a dark-skinned man. 136 00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:33,868 He's really dark. He's like... 137 00:11:33,910 --> 00:11:38,610 He is! The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice, right? 138 00:11:38,654 --> 00:11:43,314 He is really dark. He's darker than you. He's dark. He's like... 139 00:11:43,354 --> 00:11:45,274 He's like navy and... 140 00:11:48,925 --> 00:11:51,665 And my grandma hates him 'cause he's dark-skinned. 141 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,581 That's her only reason for hating him. 142 00:11:53,625 --> 00:11:55,795 She hates him 'cause he's dark-skinned. Don't worry, she's black too. 143 00:11:55,845 --> 00:11:57,885 It's just that she's like that real light-skinned black. 144 00:11:57,934 --> 00:11:59,984 You know, that, "I wish I wasn't but I am?" 145 00:12:00,023 --> 00:12:03,293 She hates him and every time he calls over to the house looking for me, 146 00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:05,681 she's like, "That black thing called!" 147 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,415 I'm like, "Grandma, we're black too." 148 00:12:07,465 --> 00:12:08,895 "Yeah, but we ain't that black. 149 00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:11,115 "We ain't been that black in a long time. 150 00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:14,815 "It took us this long to get this color and now you gonna mess it up. 151 00:12:14,864 --> 00:12:18,224 "Then you gonna have them nappy-headed kids!" 152 00:12:19,956 --> 00:12:23,046 I have a daughter. She's six. Her name is Akela Briana. 153 00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:25,090 That's a Swahili name. 154 00:12:25,135 --> 00:12:27,615 You know, Swahili, the language that we speak in the Bronx. 155 00:12:27,659 --> 00:12:29,709 And when you translate that, that means 156 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,579 "Bitch, don't even think about getting pregnant." 157 00:12:32,621 --> 00:12:34,711 And I like her. She's my best friend and everything, 158 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,504 but there's two things that she does that really makes me mad. 159 00:12:37,539 --> 00:12:41,629 Like, if I punish her, she'll call my mother up to complain about me. 160 00:12:41,673 --> 00:12:43,503 On my phone. 161 00:12:43,545 --> 00:12:47,765 Be like, "Grandma? Grandma, mommy put me on punishment. 162 00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:52,636 "No, I ain't did nothin'! Uh-uh! 163 00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:55,563 "She just crazy! 164 00:12:57,602 --> 00:13:00,342 [MOCK CRYING] 165 00:13:02,999 --> 00:13:05,959 "See? All right. 166 00:13:06,002 --> 00:13:09,962 [STAMMERING] "See... Okay. See... All right? See... Okay. 167 00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:15,006 "See, I broke her new lipstick and I knew she would be mad, 168 00:13:16,317 --> 00:13:17,747 "so I ate it. 169 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,240 "And then I ate a crayon to kill the taste 170 00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:26,151 "and I drank some glue. 171 00:13:31,027 --> 00:13:34,807 "Okay! Mommy! 172 00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:37,427 "Grandma said why you don't feed me?" 173 00:13:50,742 --> 00:13:53,702 Give another round of applause for Ellen Cleghorne. 174 00:13:57,445 --> 00:13:59,705 All right. Coming to the stage. 175 00:13:59,751 --> 00:14:03,541 This brother is 16 years old. 176 00:14:03,581 --> 00:14:07,981 And I'm very proud of that fact because he could be out robbin' somebody 177 00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:10,721 or carrying a gun to school, but the brother's here to make you laugh. 178 00:14:10,762 --> 00:14:13,852 So make sure you give it up for my man, Aries Spears. 179 00:14:13,896 --> 00:14:14,846 [APPLAUSE] 180 00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:24,597 How y'all doing? 181 00:14:24,646 --> 00:14:27,426 All right. You know, with all the issues in the news today, 182 00:14:27,475 --> 00:14:29,775 everything is sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. 183 00:14:29,825 --> 00:14:32,915 You know, sex is scary nowadays because shit is out there. 184 00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:35,959 So, we got to warn the kids, man, and what better way to warn them 185 00:14:36,005 --> 00:14:39,745 than through shit they do the most? Watch cartoons. 186 00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:42,191 Picture coming down the steps one morning 187 00:14:42,229 --> 00:14:45,709 and your little kids watching their favorite Saturday morning cartoons having sex. 188 00:14:45,754 --> 00:14:47,764 Picture Mr. Magoo fuckin'. 189 00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:49,279 [GRUNTING] 190 00:14:56,983 --> 00:15:00,293 Wouldn't that be some bugged-out shit? 191 00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:04,384 You know who would be real bugged out? Picture... Picture Snagglepuss fuckin'. 192 00:15:04,425 --> 00:15:06,165 [IMITATING SNAGGLEPUSS] Oh my God, I can't believe this. 193 00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:07,649 This is so good. 194 00:15:07,689 --> 00:15:09,429 I think I'm gonna come again. 195 00:15:09,473 --> 00:15:11,353 What a wonderful feeling. 196 00:15:11,388 --> 00:15:13,218 [NORMAL VOICE] Would be some bugged-out shit. 197 00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:15,570 Picture the first time Scooby-Doo got some pussy. 198 00:15:15,610 --> 00:15:17,050 Scooby-Doo was like... 199 00:15:17,090 --> 00:15:19,830 [IMITATES SCOOBY DOO] 200 00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:23,009 He busts that nut... 201 00:15:23,052 --> 00:15:24,972 [IMITATES SCOOBY-DOO] Scooby-Dooby-Doo! 202 00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:26,801 [NORMAL VOICE] Man, crazy shit, man. 203 00:15:26,838 --> 00:15:29,618 Picture... Picture Elmer Fudd fuckin'. 204 00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:32,277 Elmer Fudd would have a good time because Elmer Fudd would be like, 205 00:15:32,322 --> 00:15:37,152 [IMITATES ELMER FUDD] Oh, this is wowey. Oh... 206 00:15:40,069 --> 00:15:43,679 Wower. To the weft! To the... Ah... 207 00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:50,084 [NORMAL VOICE] You know what? 208 00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:51,783 [CLEARS THROAT] With Bill Cosby being gone off the air and shit, 209 00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:54,080 they gonna need somebody to do Jello Pudding commercials. 210 00:15:54,127 --> 00:15:55,997 And I thought about some shit that scared me. 211 00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:57,872 What would happen if Andrew Dice Clay 212 00:15:57,913 --> 00:15:59,483 did Jello Pudding commercials? 213 00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:00,873 That shit would look something like this... 214 00:16:09,838 --> 00:16:12,798 [IMITATES ANDREW DICE CLAY] Okay, you fat tub of shit, listen up. 215 00:16:12,841 --> 00:16:14,231 [BLOWS AIR] 216 00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:16,887 I got two fuckin' kids. They're like, "Oh! 217 00:16:16,932 --> 00:16:19,462 "Buy me some fuckin' Jello!" Fuckin' blow me! 218 00:16:25,201 --> 00:16:27,551 Check this out, I got a fuckin' story for you. 219 00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:30,285 It's Saturday night, I got this broad in my car. 220 00:16:30,337 --> 00:16:33,777 She's like, "Oh, okay..." Shut the fuck up. 221 00:16:33,818 --> 00:16:35,338 You know what I'm talking about. 222 00:16:38,649 --> 00:16:42,869 So, anyway. I look in my house. I got this Jello gelatin shit. 223 00:16:42,914 --> 00:16:45,874 It's like dick grease. I slide it on. 224 00:16:48,877 --> 00:16:52,047 Next thing you know, we're bangin', suckin', fuckin'. I'm doin' shit to her 225 00:16:52,098 --> 00:16:55,928 you wouldn't do to a fuckin' farm animal, you know. 226 00:16:55,971 --> 00:16:58,541 So, fellas, the next time you got a hot fuckin' date, 227 00:16:58,582 --> 00:17:01,502 get some Jello fuckin' gelatin, oh! 228 00:17:07,852 --> 00:17:11,382 [NORMAL VOICE] I'm gonna tell you something, though. Oh, oh shit. 229 00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:13,081 I did some shit a while back. 230 00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:15,689 If anybody go to the bathroom, now would be the best time. 231 00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:19,260 You ever have to take a shit and it's the real big one? 232 00:17:19,299 --> 00:17:21,609 And you go in to the stall and you try to be quiet. 233 00:17:21,649 --> 00:17:24,089 You hope it's just you and your shit. 234 00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:27,740 But you start... Try to stay quiet and you be... [GRUNTS] 235 00:17:27,785 --> 00:17:31,045 [FART SOUNDS] Trying to be quiet and shit. 236 00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:33,103 Scrunched up. And most people, when they take a shit, 237 00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:35,179 they don't even wash their hands. They go straight out. 238 00:17:35,228 --> 00:17:37,228 But you ain't gonna do that if you have somebody lookin' at you. 239 00:17:37,273 --> 00:17:39,283 You're gonna be like, "Stink ass motherfucker." 240 00:17:39,319 --> 00:17:41,019 So, go wash your shit. I'm gonna tell you something 241 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,060 that bizarred the shit out of me. 242 00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:46,755 I was in a bathroom once and I saw Michael Jackson taking a shit. 243 00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:48,684 You know, that would be something, because Michael Jackson 244 00:17:48,719 --> 00:17:50,109 would turn that shit into a video. 245 00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:51,456 Michael be like... 246 00:18:13,483 --> 00:18:15,573 Michael be like... Michael busts into the bathroom. 247 00:18:33,286 --> 00:18:34,676 Michael get to takin' a shit... 248 00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:41,253 Oh! Oh! Oh! 249 00:18:48,649 --> 00:18:52,349 Whoo-hoo! 250 00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:56,352 Michael get to doin' all that damn grunting, be like... [GRUNTING] 251 00:19:01,705 --> 00:19:06,055 Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! 252 00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:10,626 Ahh! 253 00:19:13,282 --> 00:19:16,202 My name is Aries Spears. I dedicate this show to my mother. Peace! 254 00:19:26,077 --> 00:19:29,167 Aries Spears! Give it up for my man, Aries Spears. 255 00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:32,685 Oh, I'm just cleaning up this one. 256 00:19:35,826 --> 00:19:39,086 Yo. Give it up for my man, William Stephenson. 257 00:19:46,272 --> 00:19:49,192 Thank you very much! I feel the love and I smell damn good. 258 00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:51,231 How are y'all? 259 00:19:51,277 --> 00:19:53,757 Women, when you break up with your man, 260 00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:55,591 and you will break up with him eventually... 261 00:19:58,153 --> 00:20:03,073 Never go over to his house wearing anything that he bought you. 262 00:20:03,114 --> 00:20:07,554 'Cause you'll have to leave that house butt-naked, all right? 263 00:20:07,597 --> 00:20:10,167 I broke up with this woman. I had my hands around her neck. 264 00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,469 She thought I was trying to choke her, 265 00:20:12,515 --> 00:20:15,515 but I was just trying to get that perfume off 'cause I bought that shit 266 00:20:15,562 --> 00:20:17,002 and I'm taking it with me. 267 00:20:23,787 --> 00:20:25,617 I love women but I just don't understand 268 00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,659 a lot of the things that y'all do. 269 00:20:27,704 --> 00:20:29,924 Why is it when a man and a woman walk down the street together, 270 00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:32,227 the man always has to walk near the curb? 271 00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:35,764 Oh, in case a car jumps the curb. 272 00:20:35,799 --> 00:20:40,409 Me being a man, I can absorb the impact of a 4,000 pound vehicle. 273 00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:42,276 No, you ever see me on the street with a woman, 274 00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:44,108 it's going to be single file, all right? 275 00:20:48,986 --> 00:20:52,726 I know how to start an argument with any woman at any time 276 00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:58,133 by saying the following two words, "What's wrong?" 277 00:20:58,169 --> 00:21:01,429 And women always say the same thing. "Well, why you say that?" 278 00:21:01,477 --> 00:21:05,177 "Oh, I don't know, I just figured, you know, since you just asked the waiter 279 00:21:05,220 --> 00:21:09,050 "for a side order of my balls, you might have a little problem with me or something." 280 00:21:12,706 --> 00:21:15,966 I know what women don't like. Women don't like for men to fall asleep 281 00:21:16,013 --> 00:21:18,763 right after we... You know what I'm saying. 282 00:21:18,799 --> 00:21:21,929 Ladies, let me give you a hint on how to get along with us better. 283 00:21:21,976 --> 00:21:23,276 Get over it, all right? 284 00:21:28,069 --> 00:21:32,639 But what do you do while we're lying there snoring? 285 00:21:32,682 --> 00:21:35,082 I mean, after you go through our wallets and everything. 286 00:21:38,035 --> 00:21:41,165 On occasion, a women will fall asleep before a man will, 287 00:21:41,212 --> 00:21:44,262 you have no idea what we're doing. So I'll tell you. 288 00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:47,483 First we smoke a cigarette until there's no filter left. 289 00:21:47,523 --> 00:21:51,353 Then we circle the bed nine times and as we do, we look down at you 290 00:21:51,397 --> 00:21:56,837 and very warmly, very tenderly, very lovingly, we say to ourselves, 291 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,670 "I knocked your ass out." 292 00:22:08,239 --> 00:22:12,289 So, I live in Brooklyn but I'm originally from Detroit, Michigan 293 00:22:12,331 --> 00:22:16,201 and I can prove it. I speak fluent Temptationese. 294 00:22:16,247 --> 00:22:17,987 Because for me, it was the only way to get a woman 295 00:22:18,032 --> 00:22:19,512 to even look at me back in Detroit. 296 00:22:19,555 --> 00:22:21,115 For example, what's your name? 297 00:22:21,165 --> 00:22:22,425 Michelle, if you were in Detroit right now, 298 00:22:22,471 --> 00:22:26,001 I could walk up to you and I could say, 299 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,610 "If good looks were a minute, you would be an hour." 300 00:22:29,609 --> 00:22:33,659 Temptations, 1964. 301 00:22:33,700 --> 00:22:36,920 And if we were in Detroit right now, she would have melted all over her clothes, 302 00:22:36,964 --> 00:22:39,974 but this does not work here in New York City and I know. 303 00:22:40,010 --> 00:22:41,230 I tried this on a woman here. 304 00:22:41,272 --> 00:22:42,882 She looked at me and said, 305 00:22:42,926 --> 00:22:45,756 "If good looks were within your reach, 306 00:22:45,799 --> 00:22:47,279 "you wouldn't have no fuckin' arms." 307 00:22:59,116 --> 00:23:01,596 So, I looked back at her 308 00:23:01,641 --> 00:23:03,561 and I said, "Well, if cucumbers was collard greens, 309 00:23:03,599 --> 00:23:05,779 "your ass might fit in them jeans." 310 00:23:07,603 --> 00:23:09,263 I had no problem with her after that. 311 00:23:11,825 --> 00:23:15,085 So, so, so, so there's a brother out here look like 312 00:23:15,132 --> 00:23:17,442 Clarence Thomas, where are you? 313 00:23:17,483 --> 00:23:20,573 Now, I'd knew Clarence Thomas was lying the first time I saw him. 314 00:23:20,616 --> 00:23:23,836 'Cause he got bugs on the back of his head. 315 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:25,750 Well, black men don't comb their hair all the way down, 316 00:23:25,795 --> 00:23:28,315 these little rings of hair start poppin' up? 317 00:23:28,363 --> 00:23:31,193 That Friday morning when Clarence got all upset, he should have stood up 318 00:23:31,235 --> 00:23:35,495 in front of all those people and said, "Senators, because of all the speculations 319 00:23:35,544 --> 00:23:37,854 "as to the size of my Johnson, 320 00:23:37,894 --> 00:23:40,334 "if you move your table back a few feet, I can straighten this out right now." 321 00:23:45,206 --> 00:23:47,466 I don't have a car so I ride the subway, 322 00:23:47,513 --> 00:23:50,433 and I sat next to one of the onion people. You ever do that? 323 00:23:50,472 --> 00:23:53,432 These are the people when you sit next to them, your eyes water all up. 324 00:23:57,261 --> 00:23:59,531 You don't know whether to inhale or fuckin' die. 325 00:24:02,005 --> 00:24:04,085 And you can't just move to another seat 326 00:24:04,138 --> 00:24:05,438 'cause you don't want everybody to know 327 00:24:05,487 --> 00:24:07,617 that you can't sit next to the funky people. 328 00:24:07,663 --> 00:24:10,713 So, you sit there for as long as you can 329 00:24:10,753 --> 00:24:15,153 and you stare at those anal wart commercials they got up there. 330 00:24:15,192 --> 00:24:18,112 All right, this is a... This is a poem I wrote 331 00:24:18,152 --> 00:24:21,332 about a woman I no longer have sex with. 332 00:24:21,372 --> 00:24:24,162 It is entitled, "Your Hair Weave Is Causing Me Problems." 333 00:24:29,163 --> 00:24:31,513 To love you, right? 334 00:24:33,210 --> 00:24:37,610 I must touch you and feel what it feels like. 335 00:24:37,650 --> 00:24:40,870 But your hair weave is causing me problems. 336 00:24:40,914 --> 00:24:43,744 'Cause I can't get my hand through the part of your head 337 00:24:43,786 --> 00:24:46,526 that's not your hair. 338 00:24:46,572 --> 00:24:49,842 Someone must have told you and you must have believed 339 00:24:49,879 --> 00:24:52,929 that hair short and nappy was not well-received. 340 00:24:52,969 --> 00:24:58,629 But each nap is your nap and that's the part that I wanted to wed. 341 00:24:58,671 --> 00:25:00,541 So, hope you can sleep with my arm in your face 342 00:25:00,586 --> 00:25:02,716 'cause I can't get my hand out your head. 343 00:25:02,762 --> 00:25:04,332 Thank you very much. 344 00:25:17,951 --> 00:25:20,391 Boom. Russell, come on, man. 345 00:25:20,431 --> 00:25:21,481 Say good night. 346 00:25:27,917 --> 00:25:30,697 Thanks for coming out. Good night and God bless you. 347 00:25:30,746 --> 00:25:32,746 [MUSIC PLAYING] 348 00:25:32,796 --> 00:25:37,346 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 29570

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