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00:00:06,876 --> 00:00:10,266
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:10,314 --> 00:00:13,194
KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam!
3
00:00:33,946 --> 00:00:38,856
And now your host,
Martin Lawrence!
4
00:00:38,908 --> 00:00:41,258
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
5
00:00:48,831 --> 00:00:51,401
Thank you very, very much.
6
00:00:51,442 --> 00:00:53,922
And welcome to another
Def Comedy Jam.
7
00:00:53,966 --> 00:00:56,096
Give it a round of applause
to my man, Kid Capri.
8
00:00:56,143 --> 00:00:59,283
[APPLAUSE]
9
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:03,450
Wassup, man?
Cool and cool and cool and...
10
00:01:03,498 --> 00:01:06,328
Oh, man.
Hey! Two white guys.
11
00:01:07,719 --> 00:01:10,289
Together. What happened?
12
00:01:10,331 --> 00:01:14,421
Computer date fuck-up
or something? You had to...
13
00:01:14,465 --> 00:01:18,025
You kind of had to like...
Had to, like, make that shit right.
14
00:01:19,470 --> 00:01:23,170
Don't get red and shit!
Goddamn!
15
00:01:23,213 --> 00:01:25,963
[MOCKINGLY]
"I mean, come on, man! What the fuck, Martin?"
16
00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:28,478
We love you, too, man!
17
00:01:28,523 --> 00:01:31,703
Fuck! No, I'm just glad
you guys are here.
18
00:01:31,743 --> 00:01:35,313
It... I get so happy
when I see white people come out and...
19
00:01:35,356 --> 00:01:37,526
Because you know,
they... Courage.
20
00:01:37,575 --> 00:01:39,315
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
21
00:01:41,797 --> 00:01:44,147
This is a lot of black people
for the white people.
22
00:01:44,191 --> 00:01:46,931
They go, "Oh!" and
I'm admiring. I'm glad.
23
00:01:46,976 --> 00:01:50,716
But how does it feel,
you guys know that your rights are protected?
24
00:01:50,762 --> 00:01:52,202
How does that feel?
25
00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:58,070
How... I mean, we just want
to know some things.
26
00:01:58,118 --> 00:01:59,728
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
27
00:02:04,950 --> 00:02:09,870
How does it feel to
catch a cab in New York? Just to go, "Thank you!"
28
00:02:11,479 --> 00:02:13,179
How does that feel?
29
00:02:15,613 --> 00:02:17,623
Goddamn!
30
00:02:17,659 --> 00:02:22,139
I'll tell you, man,
the court system in this whole shit is messed up.
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00:02:22,185 --> 00:02:24,925
I was watching
this shit, man. I don't know when I was watching it.
32
00:02:24,970 --> 00:02:26,620
I just... It was on my mind.
Dahmer. That motherfucker.
33
00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:28,148
You know,
the eating motherfucker.
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00:02:29,410 --> 00:02:32,110
Eating. And they put him
on trial.
35
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:35,162
What the fuck is America
thinking about?
36
00:02:35,198 --> 00:02:37,418
What the fuck is the trial
about? I don't understand.
37
00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:39,331
You found an ass
in his refrigerator.
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00:02:41,248 --> 00:02:42,988
Dicks in the ice tray.
39
00:02:44,773 --> 00:02:48,123
Fucking ears in the ashtray.
What the fuck is the problem?
40
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,818
If that was a black
man eating white people,
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00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:51,075
they would have brought
the electric chair
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00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:52,647
to his motherfucking house.
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00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:54,134
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
44
00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:57,305
[MIMICS BUZZING]
45
00:02:57,351 --> 00:03:00,351
See ya! Wouldn't want
to be ya! Like a...
46
00:03:02,138 --> 00:03:04,048
The fucked-up thing, man,
the thing about this
47
00:03:04,096 --> 00:03:07,356
is somebody in society
eating another motherfucker,
48
00:03:07,404 --> 00:03:10,804
and I really feel sorry
for the families that went through that shit.
49
00:03:10,842 --> 00:03:13,762
And he used to... He worked
among the community.
50
00:03:13,802 --> 00:03:17,462
He worked in a goddamn
chocolate factory.
51
00:03:17,501 --> 00:03:20,241
So that means somebody
in this motherfucker had a Snicker
52
00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:22,847
with some extra nuts
in that mofo.
53
00:03:22,898 --> 00:03:25,158
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
54
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:33,000
"Why, that's mighty chewy!"
55
00:03:33,038 --> 00:03:39,038
Okay. Coming to the stage
from... [CHUCKLES]
56
00:03:39,088 --> 00:03:41,438
Coming to the stage
from New Jersey,
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00:03:41,482 --> 00:03:43,442
give it up, I know you're
going to enjoy him...
58
00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:46,234
New Jersey.
Give it up for my man, Jay!
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00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:48,579
[APPLAUSE]
60
00:03:48,619 --> 00:03:51,189
[MUSIC PLAYING]
61
00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:54,800
Wassup? Hey, yo!
Check this out. Check this out.
62
00:03:54,843 --> 00:03:57,593
I'm talking to all
the ladies in the house. Ladies in the house.
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00:03:57,628 --> 00:03:59,538
How many times you went
to a club before, right?
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00:03:59,587 --> 00:04:01,547
And you seen
this motherfucker coming in the club.
65
00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:03,719
This motherfucker's smooth.
He got muscles, he got arms.
66
00:04:03,765 --> 00:04:07,805
This nigger, he cool.
His name is Rico Suave.
67
00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:09,026
Coming in the club.
68
00:04:11,990 --> 00:04:13,860
[LAUGHTER]
69
00:04:24,351 --> 00:04:26,141
That's right.
But ladies in the house, check this out!
70
00:04:26,178 --> 00:04:28,138
How many times you went
to a club before
71
00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:30,790
and you see this motherfucker
doing the same dance all night.
72
00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:32,875
The same shit!
Working out for you, working out.
73
00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:35,971
[LAUGHTER]
74
00:04:41,759 --> 00:04:44,409
Yo, check this out.
Somebody looking at him from across the floor.
75
00:04:44,458 --> 00:04:45,848
Now he want to show you
what he really got.
76
00:04:45,894 --> 00:04:48,074
Now he working out for you.
Now he working out.
77
00:04:50,246 --> 00:04:52,246
[LAUGHTER]
78
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,560
Cut it off. Wassup?
How you motherfucker feelin' tonight?
79
00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:01,303
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
80
00:05:03,738 --> 00:05:06,518
Can we dig this?
We gonna have some fun.
81
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:08,347
Wassup? I was watching
Rootson TV.
82
00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:10,345
That's fucked-up
the way he had... Toby was whuppin' Toby ass.
83
00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:11,747
Whupped the shit
out of Toby. I was just wanting...
84
00:05:11,789 --> 00:05:13,489
How you doing?
What's your name, babe?
85
00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:16,360
You cute.
What's your name?
86
00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:18,933
Angie! I was just wondering,
like, what if we had somebody
87
00:05:18,970 --> 00:05:21,020
strung they ass up,
one time.
88
00:05:21,059 --> 00:05:22,499
Like Angie.
Just whupped them one time.
89
00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:24,149
[IMITATES WHIP CRACKING]
What's your name?
90
00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:26,943
[GASPING] Angie!
91
00:05:26,978 --> 00:05:28,808
Angie!
92
00:05:28,850 --> 00:05:30,370
We keep whuppin' her ass.
She had to surrender.
93
00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:32,067
She had to give in,
she submit!
94
00:05:32,114 --> 00:05:33,724
She submit to us whuppin'
her ass one more time!
95
00:05:33,768 --> 00:05:35,598
[IMITATES WHIP CRACKING]
What's your name?
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00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:39,819
Rashida! Rashida![AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
97
00:05:39,861 --> 00:05:44,471
[IMITATES WHIP CRACKING]
"Spell it!" " R-A-S-IDA!"
98
00:05:44,518 --> 00:05:45,868
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
99
00:05:50,175 --> 00:05:53,085
That's for real.
Yo, how many fellas in the house into oral sex?
100
00:05:53,135 --> 00:05:54,745
Oral sex! Where you at?
Oral sex?
101
00:05:56,617 --> 00:05:58,047
Fellas! Get your
dick sucked!
102
00:05:58,096 --> 00:06:00,486
Y'all know what the fuck
I'm talking about.
103
00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:03,934
Wassup? Motherfucker
in the back. I said oral sex, motherfucker.
104
00:06:03,972 --> 00:06:07,282
He in the back all about,
"I thought he forgot about me."
105
00:06:07,323 --> 00:06:09,933
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
106
00:06:09,978 --> 00:06:12,588
"I was standing
out here all night. That's the way to go."
107
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,337
Where's my oral sex?
That's what I'm talking about.
108
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,339
See, fellas, I'm gonna
give y'all a crash course on oral sex.
109
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,771
See, first you gotta
tell them to kiss that motherfucker.
110
00:06:23,818 --> 00:06:25,948
'Cause see, fellas,
we been laying in bed playing with our shit
111
00:06:25,994 --> 00:06:28,044
or standing there or
laying and just playing with our shit like...
112
00:06:31,913 --> 00:06:34,093
[LAUGHTER]
113
00:06:34,132 --> 00:06:36,092
And the women, they be like,
"What's the matter?"
114
00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:38,314
We be like, "Yeah.
You know, just...
115
00:06:38,354 --> 00:06:40,494
"Just make it hard for me
one time. You know, just...
116
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,363
"Just...
Just kiss it one time."
117
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,095
So, fuck it. The women,
they thinking about it
118
00:06:47,145 --> 00:06:49,015
so they looking at it and they
thinking, so they looking.
119
00:06:50,061 --> 00:06:51,591
[LAUGHTER]
120
00:06:59,244 --> 00:07:01,994
And see, we be trying
to stick that shit in your mouth on the sly like...
121
00:07:02,030 --> 00:07:03,990
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
122
00:07:10,299 --> 00:07:13,429
They be like, "See..."
They be like, "I told you I wasn't gonna..."
123
00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:15,646
Open your mouth one
more time and I got you.
124
00:07:15,696 --> 00:07:17,046
I got you.
125
00:07:17,088 --> 00:07:19,128
But see, women,
they give in to us.
126
00:07:19,177 --> 00:07:20,737
They surrender, they submit.
They give in. They kiss it one time.
127
00:07:20,788 --> 00:07:21,788
[KISSES]
128
00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:23,790
"Tasty." [GIGGLES]
129
00:07:25,488 --> 00:07:27,708
"It wasn't that bad, though."
So they kiss it again.
130
00:07:27,751 --> 00:07:29,491
So that shit starts beating
on to a rhythm, like...
131
00:07:29,536 --> 00:07:31,486
[KISSING NOISES IN RHYTHM]
132
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:33,668
Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga,
chugga-chugga-chugga.
133
00:07:33,714 --> 00:07:35,324
But see, fellas,
when we gettin' that shit done to us,
134
00:07:35,367 --> 00:07:36,667
we try to lay there
or stand there
135
00:07:36,717 --> 00:07:38,067
like it ain't really
going on, like...
136
00:07:38,109 --> 00:07:39,589
Women, like,
"Y'all not really there."
137
00:07:39,633 --> 00:07:40,853
We just make faces.
We just laid back like...
138
00:07:40,895 --> 00:07:43,375
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
139
00:07:43,419 --> 00:07:44,419
[WHIMPERS]
140
00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:46,900
[LAUGHTER]
141
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,043
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
142
00:07:59,740 --> 00:08:02,220
And see, what's the first
thing a woman say when they doing that to you?
143
00:08:02,264 --> 00:08:03,404
MAN: Don't cum
in my mouth!
144
00:08:03,439 --> 00:08:04,829
I want to thank
y'all brothers.
145
00:08:04,875 --> 00:08:06,655
[CHEERING]
146
00:08:06,703 --> 00:08:08,183
Don't cum in my mouth!
147
00:08:10,707 --> 00:08:12,487
And see, by that time
we cool though.
148
00:08:14,406 --> 00:08:16,536
Fuck.
149
00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:18,113
By that time we cool.
We be like... But see, by that time we be like,
150
00:08:18,149 --> 00:08:20,149
"Aw, I ain't gonna cum
in your mouth, baby.
151
00:08:20,195 --> 00:08:21,455
"Why you say
shit like that. You know I care for you too much."
152
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,111
See, by that time we taking
our right hand
153
00:08:23,154 --> 00:08:24,554
and grabbing
the top of they hair and clenching that shit,
154
00:08:24,591 --> 00:08:26,421
so they won't go
no motherfuckin' where.
155
00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:28,332
You like, "I ain't...
I ain't gonna cum in your mouth.
156
00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:30,727
"I ain't gonna... Uh,
I ain't gonna... Uh, I..." [GRUNTS]
157
00:08:30,771 --> 00:08:32,771
[GRUNTING]
158
00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:35,249
[APPLAUSE]
159
00:08:49,137 --> 00:08:52,177
Y'all, I'm just teasing.
I ain't had no pussy in a long-ass time.
160
00:08:52,227 --> 00:08:53,747
But thanks a lot.
My name is Jay. I'm out.
161
00:08:53,794 --> 00:08:55,754
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
162
00:08:55,796 --> 00:08:57,356
[MUSIC PLAYING]
163
00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:05,146
Hey, can we talk fuckin'
for a minute?
164
00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:09,590
Okay. Only on HBO.
165
00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:13,116
All right.
Coming to the stage, Mike Bonner.
166
00:09:13,161 --> 00:09:15,161
[MUSIC PLAYING][APPLAUSE]
167
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,949
What's happenin', y'all?
Golden.
168
00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:24,957
What happened?
We gonna get into that.
169
00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:27,479
Give me a goddamn minute.
We gonna get into that.
170
00:09:27,523 --> 00:09:30,313
I got my ass kicked.
I ain't gonna lie.
171
00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:32,312
That's a fucked-up
feeling, man.
172
00:09:32,354 --> 00:09:35,144
Right before I came here
from Detroit, I did a fashion show.
173
00:09:35,183 --> 00:09:37,403
Three thousand people
in this auditorium to see this fashion show.
174
00:09:37,446 --> 00:09:39,136
This show was so sick
175
00:09:39,187 --> 00:09:41,617
because all of the models
in this show were all midgets.
176
00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:43,098
Can you believe
that shit?
177
00:09:43,147 --> 00:09:44,577
All little midgets
modeling clothes.
178
00:09:44,627 --> 00:09:45,887
This one little brother
came out modeling
179
00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:48,813
a $2,000 Hugo Boss suit.
180
00:09:48,849 --> 00:09:51,679
I swear to God,
my man was modeling just like this. He was like...
181
00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:54,459
[LAUGHTER]
182
00:10:08,433 --> 00:10:10,393
That's a joke, dog head.
[CHUCKLES]
183
00:10:10,435 --> 00:10:12,305
My man lookin' at me like,
"For real?"
184
00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:14,610
[LAUGHTER]
185
00:10:14,657 --> 00:10:16,527
I did that same joke
one night in Chicago.
186
00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:18,362
There was a midget sitting
about where you sitting at,
187
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,010
little motherfucker
got mad.
188
00:10:20,054 --> 00:10:21,934
After my show, my man
came walking up to me,
189
00:10:21,969 --> 00:10:23,709
"Man, if you ever
do that joke again,
190
00:10:23,753 --> 00:10:26,543
"I'm gonna get up
and fuck your big-head ass up!"
191
00:10:26,582 --> 00:10:29,372
I'm thinking to myself,
"I'm five-nine, 200 pounds.
192
00:10:29,411 --> 00:10:31,501
"I'll fuck one midget up!"
193
00:10:31,543 --> 00:10:34,553
I got outside,
he must have made a phone call.
194
00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:37,590
'Cause there was like
40 motherfuckin' midgets chasing my ass.
195
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,637
I took off running.
They were all chasing me like this...
196
00:10:40,509 --> 00:10:41,819
[LAUGHTER]
197
00:10:51,085 --> 00:10:55,125
[CHUCKLES]
So I ran my ass off.
198
00:10:55,176 --> 00:10:57,656
'Cause 40 midgets catch you,
they gonna fuck your knees up.
199
00:11:00,050 --> 00:11:02,230
People say I shouldn't
do that joke.
200
00:11:02,270 --> 00:11:03,710
Fuck them. It's funny.
201
00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:04,750
[LAUGHTER]
202
00:11:09,103 --> 00:11:11,323
Life is a motherfucker.
I do this shit 'cause I gotta make some money
203
00:11:11,366 --> 00:11:13,236
so I can pay these
goddamn bills.
204
00:11:13,281 --> 00:11:15,241
You know what
I'm talking about? Bills is a motherfucker.
205
00:11:15,283 --> 00:11:16,893
You can go out
and have a good time, wake up in the morning,
206
00:11:16,937 --> 00:11:18,457
go to your mailbox
and they looking at you.
207
00:11:20,636 --> 00:11:22,416
"Shouldn't turn your
lights on!"
208
00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:24,994
Bills are a mother.
You have some bills right here,
209
00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:27,562
some bills you got to pay
these motherfuckin' bills.
210
00:11:27,599 --> 00:11:30,559
Then you got some bills
right here you can kind of bullshit with.
211
00:11:30,602 --> 00:11:32,652
You laugh at them when they
come in the mail.
212
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,092
You be like... [LAUGHS]
213
00:11:35,129 --> 00:11:38,259
"I don't even know why
they sent your ass out.
214
00:11:38,306 --> 00:11:40,826
"I can't afford to pay
this whole bill,
215
00:11:40,874 --> 00:11:43,224
"but I am gonna put
something on it."
216
00:11:44,747 --> 00:11:46,307
I put something on
my light bill,
217
00:11:46,357 --> 00:11:48,007
them motherfuckers gave me
some of my damn lights.
218
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:49,525
[LAUGHTER]
219
00:11:49,578 --> 00:11:52,668
I had a bathroom light
and a basement light.
220
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:55,802
I talking about,
"Hold the sink, baby."
221
00:11:55,845 --> 00:11:58,845
Man. Life is
a motherfucker, boy.
222
00:12:00,632 --> 00:12:02,202
I don't know, man.
223
00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:04,333
Motherfuckin' women
trippin' me out.
224
00:12:04,375 --> 00:12:08,075
Women... A horny woman
is the scariest thing on the planet.
225
00:12:08,118 --> 00:12:11,468
A real horny woman?
A real horny...
226
00:12:11,513 --> 00:12:13,253
I mean, you ever seen
a woman get real...
227
00:12:13,297 --> 00:12:16,077
[MUMBLES] Look at him.
228
00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:20,998
I was on the road
for a month.
229
00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:23,704
For a month. I got
back to my house, my woman was real horny.
230
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,273
It was like the...
She was possessed by the devil or something.
231
00:12:26,310 --> 00:12:29,840
She was sitting on the couch
butt-ass naked with one gym shoe on.
232
00:12:29,879 --> 00:12:31,879
[GROWLING]
233
00:12:38,540 --> 00:12:40,460
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]
234
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,292
"Eat me, you black
motherfucker!"
235
00:12:44,328 --> 00:12:46,328
[GROWLS AND SCREAMS]
236
00:12:57,428 --> 00:13:00,078
Big fella looking at me
like he don't go down.
237
00:13:00,127 --> 00:13:01,347
Big old motherfucker.
238
00:13:02,477 --> 00:13:04,697
I know you go down.
239
00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:06,440
You probably go down
so long
240
00:13:06,481 --> 00:13:08,701
you start to sound like
Heavy D on the pussy. He be like...
241
00:13:08,744 --> 00:13:11,234
[IMITATES HEAVY D]
242
00:13:11,268 --> 00:13:13,398
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
243
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:16,803
Billie D. [LAUGHS]
244
00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:22,244
Gotta do what you gotta do.
245
00:13:22,279 --> 00:13:24,109
Hell yeah,
'cause I be traveling around.
246
00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:26,111
Flew New York.
I hate flying right now in our country.
247
00:13:26,153 --> 00:13:28,853
'Cause right now we got
this thing called "a war on drugs."
248
00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:31,105
Now, I think that shit
is positive as hell.
249
00:13:31,158 --> 00:13:34,378
But ain't no brothers
flying no shit in the motherfuckin' United States.
250
00:13:34,422 --> 00:13:35,862
But this shit
is positive, man.
251
00:13:35,902 --> 00:13:37,992
I hate it because right now
in our country,
252
00:13:38,034 --> 00:13:41,344
I have been stopped
five times in the last year
253
00:13:41,385 --> 00:13:44,385
in airports by either DEA
or police officers
254
00:13:44,432 --> 00:13:46,432
thinking I'm a drug dealer.
255
00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:48,567
This is beginning
to piss me off.
256
00:13:48,610 --> 00:13:50,960
I got stopped
coming back from Atlanta, Georgia flying to Detroit
257
00:13:51,004 --> 00:13:53,274
by this real southern
DEA officer. He was like...
258
00:13:53,310 --> 00:13:56,570
[EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT]
"Excuse me." [CHUCKLES]
259
00:13:56,618 --> 00:14:02,538
"Why are you flying
from Atlanta, Georgia to Detroit, Michigan?"
260
00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:06,060
I was pissed. I was like,
"Because I can't walk that goddamn far!"
261
00:14:06,106 --> 00:14:08,406
[LAUGHTER]Good night.
I'm out of here.
262
00:14:08,456 --> 00:14:10,456
[APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING]
263
00:14:17,639 --> 00:14:20,079
Mike Bonner. Give him...
Give him another round of applause.
264
00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:22,120
[APPLAUSE]
265
00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:26,555
Oh, this is my girl.
266
00:14:26,604 --> 00:14:29,434
All the women we have
on here are gorgeous
267
00:14:29,477 --> 00:14:32,437
and I have never been
with any of them.
268
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:36,090
I would love to.
No, I haven't. I would love to.
269
00:14:36,136 --> 00:14:39,266
We'll talk about it,
but I would... I would love to, but no.
270
00:14:39,313 --> 00:14:41,323
This is my girl Karen.
She's from Detroit,
271
00:14:41,358 --> 00:14:43,098
so give it up for
Karen Addison.
272
00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:45,153
[MUSIC PLAYS][APPLAUSE]
273
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:47,670
[CHEERING]
274
00:14:56,286 --> 00:14:57,636
How you guys doing?
275
00:14:58,506 --> 00:15:00,546
[APPLAUSE]
276
00:15:00,595 --> 00:15:03,545
I've learned one thing
during my short stay here in New York City,
277
00:15:03,598 --> 00:15:06,778
and ladies, you know
how I feel when that guy
278
00:15:06,818 --> 00:15:09,388
comes over and wants
to dance with you and he's not your type,
279
00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:12,131
but that's your song?
280
00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:13,832
[LAUGHTER]
281
00:15:15,262 --> 00:15:17,222
So you dance
with him anyway?
282
00:15:17,264 --> 00:15:18,794
And then we get an attitude
just in case
283
00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:21,050
somebody else is checking us
out, like...
284
00:15:21,094 --> 00:15:22,104
[SCOFFS]
285
00:15:25,098 --> 00:15:26,968
He is not with me.
286
00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:27,973
[LAUGHTER]
287
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,065
And I know the men
hate when they see
288
00:15:38,111 --> 00:15:40,681
a nice lookin' young lady
from the back,
289
00:15:40,722 --> 00:15:44,332
she in the club groovin'
and you want to go over there...
290
00:15:44,378 --> 00:15:47,028
"Excuse me,
would you like to dance?"
291
00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:48,636
She just bobbin'...
292
00:15:50,645 --> 00:15:51,945
"Hell yeah!"
293
00:15:52,908 --> 00:15:55,038
It's on now!
294
00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:57,134
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]
295
00:16:12,884 --> 00:16:17,894
"My name is Trudy
and my friends call me T.T.
296
00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:24,293
"You ain't all that cute,
but that's my song.
297
00:16:24,331 --> 00:16:26,121
"Hey!"
298
00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:28,293
[APPLAUSE]
299
00:16:30,467 --> 00:16:32,557
"Oh, he is not with me."
300
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,040
[LAUGHTER]
301
00:16:38,301 --> 00:16:39,741
[APPLAUSE]
302
00:16:44,655 --> 00:16:47,135
Thank you.
I love being a comedienne.
303
00:16:47,180 --> 00:16:49,360
But it's dangerous
because I have to work at night
304
00:16:49,399 --> 00:16:51,489
and where I live
is underground parking.
305
00:16:51,532 --> 00:16:55,062
I used to worry about
getting raped, but not now.
306
00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:57,931
Because when I get out
of my car, if I see a man,
307
00:16:57,973 --> 00:17:00,413
I just act like something's
wrong with me.
308
00:17:00,454 --> 00:17:01,634
I do. I just like...
309
00:17:01,672 --> 00:17:03,112
Oh! [SHUDDERS]
310
00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:05,980
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
311
00:17:08,549 --> 00:17:10,119
Oh! Wait a minute!
312
00:17:24,173 --> 00:17:26,263
Would you like to come
up for a tuna sandwich?
313
00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:33,623
And I'm happy I arrived here
a day early
314
00:17:33,661 --> 00:17:35,921
because I got to the
Los Angeles airport
315
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:37,967
and all the flights
were booked,
316
00:17:38,013 --> 00:17:43,373
so they referred me
to the Compton airport, this new black airlines?
317
00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:48,760
When I got there, they had
big speakers on the wings of the plane.
318
00:17:48,806 --> 00:17:52,326
The music was blasting,
the line was moving like this.
319
00:17:55,335 --> 00:17:56,675
[LAUGHTER]
320
00:18:04,344 --> 00:18:07,524
There was one girl
in line snakin'.
321
00:18:07,564 --> 00:18:09,964
And then we got on the plane
and the pilot came out.
322
00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:18,583
[LAUGHTER]
323
00:18:22,927 --> 00:18:24,187
[APPLAUSE]
324
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:31,370
"Yo. I'm Captain Turbulence
325
00:18:31,414 --> 00:18:33,424
"and I'm ready to swoop up
out of here.
326
00:18:35,505 --> 00:18:37,765
"Welcome to flight
fifty-fifty.
327
00:18:41,859 --> 00:18:46,859
"First of all, I would like
to apologize for that two-hour delay.
328
00:18:46,908 --> 00:18:50,778
"The liquor store didn't open
until 8:00 am.
329
00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:54,915
"And I don't fly nowhere
without my copilot, Jack Daniels.
330
00:18:54,959 --> 00:18:56,089
[LAUGHTER]
331
00:18:57,919 --> 00:19:04,059
"Oh, yeah, I need
an additional $5 from everybody
332
00:19:04,099 --> 00:19:06,229
"because I'm kind of low
on gas.
333
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:12,105
"Now listen up,
just in case we crash,
334
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,721
"reach down and
grab your ankles,
335
00:19:14,762 --> 00:19:16,422
"tuck your head
between your legs
336
00:19:16,459 --> 00:19:19,549
"and kiss your black butt
goodbye."[LAUGHTER]
337
00:19:19,593 --> 00:19:22,513
Thank you!
My name is Karen Addison and God bless you!
338
00:19:22,552 --> 00:19:24,552
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING]
339
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,834
Goddamn.
340
00:19:36,871 --> 00:19:39,661
Good-looking motherfucker,
boy. Woo, lord!
341
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,180
Coming to the stage
is my man.
342
00:19:41,223 --> 00:19:42,663
He's been on
the show before
343
00:19:42,703 --> 00:19:44,183
and he rocked you when
he was here last time
344
00:19:44,226 --> 00:19:45,786
and he's going to
do it again.
345
00:19:45,836 --> 00:19:49,056
As you know,
the man won $100,000 on the...
346
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,490
The star search thing
and he gave it away,
347
00:19:51,538 --> 00:19:56,018
I think half or mostly all
of it to the homeless.
348
00:19:56,064 --> 00:19:58,284
Now he's homeless and he's
here doing the show again.
349
00:19:58,327 --> 00:19:59,627
[LAUGHTER]
350
00:19:59,676 --> 00:20:03,026
No, no. This is my man, yo,
need I say more?
351
00:20:03,071 --> 00:20:05,421
Give it up for my man,
Michael Colyar.
352
00:20:05,465 --> 00:20:07,595
[APPLAUSE]
353
00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:09,601
[CHEERING][MUSIC PLAYING]
354
00:20:19,087 --> 00:20:20,477
They're losing
their weight,
355
00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:25,013
they're leaving
their schools,
356
00:20:26,181 --> 00:20:30,581
and their scales
are falling off.
357
00:20:30,620 --> 00:20:33,410
Fish on crack on the next
Oprah Winfrey Show, ladies and gentleman.
358
00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:35,149
[LAUGHTERS]Uh...
359
00:20:36,757 --> 00:20:39,147
Wait, excuse me.
Excuse me, pardon me.
360
00:20:39,194 --> 00:20:41,074
That was some funny shit.
361
00:20:41,109 --> 00:20:43,239
Now, a lot of people
didn't laugh.
362
00:20:43,285 --> 00:20:47,805
So I'm just gonna assume
you didn't fucking get it, so let me just...
363
00:20:50,205 --> 00:20:52,285
Let me...
Let me just say this.
364
00:20:52,338 --> 00:20:54,688
It's not necessary
365
00:20:54,731 --> 00:20:57,131
that you get all these jokes
366
00:20:58,518 --> 00:21:00,518
right away.[LAUGHTER]
367
00:21:00,563 --> 00:21:03,913
All right. So, like, if you
don't get this next joke,
368
00:21:03,958 --> 00:21:08,528
laugh anyway and then
figure the shit out when you get home.
369
00:21:08,571 --> 00:21:09,571
[LAUGHTER]
370
00:21:10,791 --> 00:21:11,791
A woman...
371
00:21:13,184 --> 00:21:14,494
A woman runs
into the store.
372
00:21:14,534 --> 00:21:17,844
She said,
"Excuse me! Excuse me! [SCREAMS]
373
00:21:17,885 --> 00:21:20,275
"But I need some D cell
batteries, please."
374
00:21:20,322 --> 00:21:22,192
The man said,
"Well, come this way."
375
00:21:22,237 --> 00:21:24,367
The woman said,
"Hell, if I can come this way,
376
00:21:24,413 --> 00:21:29,983
"I wouldn't need no damn
D cell batteries. Fuck a D cell battery."
377
00:21:30,027 --> 00:21:33,767
Now, folks,
all y'all be cool.
378
00:21:33,814 --> 00:21:36,164
I only got a few minutes
and a whole lot of shit I gotta cram in.
379
00:21:36,207 --> 00:21:38,777
First thing I want to
say real quick though is that I just drove in here.
380
00:21:38,819 --> 00:21:41,039
And when we was
driving in, we came through a toll bridge
381
00:21:41,082 --> 00:21:43,172
and they said, you know,
"Tokens only."
382
00:21:43,214 --> 00:21:45,784
So I had to drive
all the way back to D.C. and get Clarence Thomas.
383
00:21:45,826 --> 00:21:48,046
It fucked me up,
you know.[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
384
00:21:48,089 --> 00:21:51,219
Threw me way off.
Yeah, it fucked me up.
385
00:21:53,268 --> 00:21:55,268
Another thing is,
you know I live in LA now.
386
00:21:55,314 --> 00:21:57,404
The last I was here,
we talked about Rodney King.
387
00:21:57,446 --> 00:22:00,186
Since that, the riots
broke out and rightfully so.
388
00:22:00,231 --> 00:22:02,101
I call it a uprising,
you know, because it was,
389
00:22:02,146 --> 00:22:06,236
well, well fucking overdue
and, um...
390
00:22:06,281 --> 00:22:07,851
And there's some things
we learned from that though,
391
00:22:07,891 --> 00:22:09,681
because I don't believe that
we should have, like,
392
00:22:09,719 --> 00:22:11,329
tore up our
own communities.
393
00:22:11,373 --> 00:22:12,463
Fuck that.
Go to Simi Valley. Fuck them up.
394
00:22:12,505 --> 00:22:14,065
Don't tear up
your own shit.
395
00:22:14,115 --> 00:22:15,725
No, no! Because see,
two wrongs...[APPLAUSE]
396
00:22:15,769 --> 00:22:17,679
No, no! Two wrongs
don't make a right.
397
00:22:17,727 --> 00:22:18,817
Now, three rights
make a left.
398
00:22:18,859 --> 00:22:21,469
But two wrongs don't
make a right.
399
00:22:21,514 --> 00:22:24,044
I called,
the first day of rioting, I called my brother
400
00:22:24,081 --> 00:22:25,691
and I said,
"Hey, man, what y'all doing today?"
401
00:22:25,735 --> 00:22:28,385
He said, "Well,
I'm about to go lootin'.
402
00:22:28,434 --> 00:22:32,394
"Um, want me to bring you
something back?"
403
00:22:32,438 --> 00:22:35,918
And I said, "Fuck no!
I don't believe in that illegal shit,
404
00:22:35,963 --> 00:22:37,973
"but if you come across
one of those tabletop computers,
405
00:22:38,008 --> 00:22:40,048
"You know,
with a disc drive, hook me up."
406
00:22:40,097 --> 00:22:41,357
So I'm waiting for
a fucking call.
407
00:22:41,403 --> 00:22:42,933
And I don't know if you
knew this or not,
408
00:22:42,970 --> 00:22:45,100
but there was no police
around for two days.
409
00:22:45,146 --> 00:22:47,236
If you saw the riots on TV,
you didn't see no police. You know why?
410
00:22:47,278 --> 00:22:50,278
We didn't attack anything
that was important to the police.
411
00:22:50,325 --> 00:22:53,415
Nothing sacred to the police.
Now, had we attacked a fucking donut shop,
412
00:22:53,459 --> 00:22:55,199
police would have been
every-fucking-where.
413
00:22:55,243 --> 00:22:58,163
S.W.A.T. team,
fucking frog men.
414
00:22:58,202 --> 00:23:02,952
Now, one more little thing
I want to talk about.
415
00:23:02,990 --> 00:23:04,990
Gentlemen, you don't get
but one ding-a-ling
416
00:23:05,035 --> 00:23:08,425
and I believe that
everybody in this audience is either fucking
417
00:23:08,474 --> 00:23:11,744
or knows somebody
that is.
418
00:23:11,781 --> 00:23:14,831
You got to protect yourself
and that's why I always carry this.
419
00:23:16,525 --> 00:23:18,135
That's right.
It's a three-condom
420
00:23:18,179 --> 00:23:20,179
condom carrying case,
ladies and gentlemen.
421
00:23:20,224 --> 00:23:21,574
I keep one for
every occasion.
422
00:23:21,617 --> 00:23:25,187
I got one in here for
women I know well.
423
00:23:25,229 --> 00:23:29,449
Uh-huh. I got another one
a little bit thicker.
424
00:23:29,495 --> 00:23:36,145
Little bit thicker.
Whoa! That's all right. I'm flexible.
425
00:23:36,197 --> 00:23:40,417
Now, that's a...
For women I only know a little bit.
426
00:23:40,462 --> 00:23:42,552
Now, that's a Trojan rib.
427
00:23:42,595 --> 00:23:44,805
All the men in the audience,
together, say "Trojan ribs." Here we go.
428
00:23:44,858 --> 00:23:46,468
MEN: Trojan ribs!
429
00:23:46,512 --> 00:23:48,512
All right. Now, don't be
thrown off by the word ribs.
430
00:23:48,557 --> 00:23:50,517
You don't get no coleslaw
and potato salad and shit like that.
431
00:23:52,518 --> 00:23:55,038
And third,
for a special occasion.
432
00:23:55,085 --> 00:23:56,905
That's right. I'm talking
about a one-night stand.
433
00:23:56,957 --> 00:24:01,477
I gotta fucking
steel-belted radial rubber right here.
434
00:24:01,527 --> 00:24:04,267
Now, but let me tell you
something, man,
435
00:24:04,312 --> 00:24:05,882
all I'm saying is go shop
for condoms.
436
00:24:05,922 --> 00:24:07,662
It's a very simple message.
437
00:24:07,707 --> 00:24:09,357
There are stores everywhere
that sell nothin' but condoms.
438
00:24:09,404 --> 00:24:12,894
We got a store in Hollywood
called Condom Mania.
439
00:24:12,929 --> 00:24:14,629
That's all they sell.
It's on Melrose.
440
00:24:14,670 --> 00:24:16,060
Any kind of...
Six-foot condom. Pull over your...
441
00:24:16,803 --> 00:24:18,813
[LAUGHTER]
442
00:24:18,848 --> 00:24:19,978
They got condoms in there
they stuff inside a fortune cookie.
443
00:24:20,023 --> 00:24:21,503
They call it
Nookie Cookie.
444
00:24:21,547 --> 00:24:23,677
[LAUGHTER]
445
00:24:23,723 --> 00:24:25,513
They got one called
Camouflage Condom.
446
00:24:25,551 --> 00:24:28,821
Make your thing
look like camouflage.
447
00:24:28,858 --> 00:24:32,038
And then in small print
it says, "Don't let her see you coming."
448
00:24:32,079 --> 00:24:35,949
Yep! Yep! Yep!
They got one...
449
00:24:35,996 --> 00:24:38,036
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
450
00:24:38,085 --> 00:24:41,385
They got one
in a plain package called Generic Rubbers,
451
00:24:41,436 --> 00:24:43,956
and then on the side
in bold print it says, "For cheap fuckers."
452
00:24:44,004 --> 00:24:45,924
[LAUGHTER]They got a special one
for the brothers.
453
00:24:45,962 --> 00:24:48,102
One condom,
big old box like that.
454
00:24:48,138 --> 00:24:51,048
One condom, big old box.
They call it Magnum!
455
00:24:51,098 --> 00:24:53,708
Magnum condom,
they got the nerve to write on the package,
456
00:24:53,753 --> 00:24:56,233
"Larger than standard
latex condoms."
457
00:24:56,277 --> 00:24:59,847
No shit! You can put
a fucking rubber boot in a box that size.
458
00:24:59,889 --> 00:25:02,809
But my all-time favorite
comes from the Middle East.
459
00:25:02,849 --> 00:25:04,629
That's right.
A marine brought it back from the Gulf War.
460
00:25:04,677 --> 00:25:07,067
It's called a Saddam condom.
Saddam.
461
00:25:07,114 --> 00:25:09,254
You open it up,
you got a little condom in there like that
462
00:25:09,290 --> 00:25:11,550
and it says,
"For a little prick that don't know when to pull out."
463
00:25:11,597 --> 00:25:12,947
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
464
00:25:12,989 --> 00:25:13,989
Now...
465
00:25:15,862 --> 00:25:16,862
Folks...
466
00:25:19,953 --> 00:25:22,433
As not to go over time
this time, I'm going to...
467
00:25:22,477 --> 00:25:24,387
I'm down to one minute
so I have one last joke.
468
00:25:24,435 --> 00:25:26,565
Before I do that,
don't miss the points.
469
00:25:26,612 --> 00:25:29,052
First of all, we must
protect ourselves sexually.
470
00:25:29,092 --> 00:25:30,622
It's your ding-a-ling,
you gotta keep it.
471
00:25:30,659 --> 00:25:32,709
Secondly, black men,
let's get our community back
472
00:25:32,748 --> 00:25:34,618
by saving the community
and saving our families.
473
00:25:34,663 --> 00:25:36,363
And third and most
importantly, trust God.
474
00:25:36,404 --> 00:25:39,154
Now, my last joke,
I gotta go, my last joke...
475
00:25:40,451 --> 00:25:41,801
Motherfucker,
I love this joke.
476
00:25:43,324 --> 00:25:45,674
This guy gets on
the elevator.
477
00:25:45,718 --> 00:25:48,848
Now, there was a lady
already on the elevator.
478
00:25:48,895 --> 00:25:54,285
So he turned to the lady,
he said, "Excuse me, Miss, but can I smell your pussy?"
479
00:25:55,989 --> 00:25:58,119
She said,
"You certainly cannot!"
480
00:25:58,165 --> 00:26:00,245
He said, "Aw! Then that
must be your feet!"
481
00:26:00,297 --> 00:26:01,427
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
482
00:26:01,472 --> 00:26:03,522
I'm Michael Colyar. Peace!
483
00:26:03,562 --> 00:26:05,352
[MUSIC PLAYS][APPLAUSE]
484
00:26:18,011 --> 00:26:20,621
Okay. Look, I want to
thank you guys... [LAUGHS]
485
00:26:20,666 --> 00:26:23,146
...for coming out
and making this possible for us.
486
00:26:23,190 --> 00:26:25,320
Let me bring my man,
Russell Simmons, up.
487
00:26:25,366 --> 00:26:26,496
[APPLAUSE]
488
00:26:26,541 --> 00:26:27,891
[MUSIC PLAYS]
489
00:26:32,852 --> 00:26:34,382
I want to thank y'all
for coming out.
490
00:26:34,418 --> 00:26:35,808
God bless you.
Good night.
491
00:26:35,855 --> 00:26:37,855
[APPLAUSE][INAUDIBLE]
492
00:26:37,905 --> 00:26:42,455
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