All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s02e07.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

And now your host,

Martin Lawrence!

Sup?AUDIENCE: Whassup.

Whassup, motherfuckers?AUDIENCE: Whassup!

Man, take them goddamn
glasses off in here, motherfucker.

You ain't that cool.

Look at this brother here...

God damn! When are
we gonna learn?

Why did you wear
that Tom Sawyer-ass hat in this motherfucker, man?

The black Tom Sawyer and shit.

What the fuck
are you? A pimp

that ain't have enough
money to get another kind of hat, man?

Nah, I'm just saying, man!

You my motherfucker
though, man. Don't be doing that, man.

How y'all feel?AUDIENCE: All right!

Good, thank you for
coming out and with my man,

give him a round of
applause, Kid Capri.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Always doing his thing.

Damn. How old are you?

Oh, okay, 18.

They can't take me
to jail for that, can they?

Right? I mean, I'll see
you a little later.

But some... Hey, you know
some little young girls, you know,

you can get locked up
for that shit. Look at my boy Mike.

Mike... I know Mike.
Mike, I love you, man.

I miss the fuck out of Mike.

Now, I ain't fucking with
Mike because he, you know, he getting out.

[IMITATING MIKE TYSON]
"Come here, what's that shit you say to me?"

Man!

I ain't fucking
with you, Mike.

Peace, you my boy.

[STAMMERS]

Mike, man. Mike is one of
them brothers, man, that,

fuck, you hit that
motherfucker, you start crying.

'Cause you nervous,
you know what's coming to your ass.

I mean, don't get brave
and swing on his ass and miss.

[CRYING]

"God damn.

"I got a lot on
my mind right now.

"My dog just died."

I would kill myself
if I had to fight Mike,

I would just kill myself.

I think we're in that state
of mind right now, you know,

'cause shit is fucked up,
you know?

Brothers kill me
when they talk about killing theirselves.

If you wanna die,

don't feel like you
gotta be a hero,

die like a hero,
like a brave man.

Because brother be
jumping out 10-feet-ass buildings and all that shit.

Uh, pow! You know?

If I die, I'm dying
like a little bitch.

With some pills and some
motherfucking socks on my feet.

"The pressure was a bitch."

That's how I'm going, man.

Because what if you jump,
you know what I'm saying?

Pow! And you don't die?

Then you at the club
and shit like this.

You know what I'm saying?

So don't be out there
killing yourselves.

Coming to the stage,
this is my man from my hometown,

you know what I'm saying,
we used to work together a lot when I first started.

And if you're in the front
row, watch your asses,

because I know you're
gonna enjoy him.

Give it up for my man,
Kevin Lee.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh. Give it up for
Martin Lawrence, my homeboy from DC!

Good friend of mine,
real good friend of mine, give it up for his ass.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Got arrested,
messing with hitchhikers,

cruising up from DC,
my hometown.

Messing with hitchhikers.
Saw a hitchhiker on 95.

Now, you gotta
try this shit. Next time you see a hitchhiker,

you wanna fuck with him,
get some of these glasses right here, right?

Put this on, just like this.

This is cool, put this
shit on, just like this.

Pull up to his ass
and scare the shit out of him, right?

[IMITATES BRAKES]
"Hey, buddy, you want a ride?"

Be careful, man. I did
that shit in San Francisco, a dude hopped in, man.

And this is why
I got arrested.

I'm cruising down 95,
I'm jamming to some music,

LL Cool J on the box,
I'm cruising.

I forgot I had this
shit on, right?

Cop pulled up next to me,
looked over at my car. I'm jamming.

I looked over at his car.

He pulled my ass over.
I pissed him off.

I walked up to his car...

He walked up to my car,
he said, "Excuse me, boy, you drinking?"

I said, "I don't know,
man, you buying?"

I got to keep this on,
man, it looks stupid as shit, man.

I want to try something
here. I need somebody to help me out.

You, what's your name, man?

Hold that apple, man.
Good catch, man. Don't drop that shit, man.

All right, now.

Don't drop that shit.
Gotta just see who we got out in the audience here.

Damn. [CHUCKLES]

Crazy shit. See,
I wasn't always a comic.

I got to show you
a quick impression.

What I used to do for
a living before I became a stand-up comedian.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Y'all got some
fucked-up seats, man.

We'll make this
shit really difficult.

All right, man, what
I want you to do here.

Bowling ball,
ginsu knife, apple.

What I want you do is,
I want you to toss me the apple.

No.

He threw it at my dick
and shit, man.

All right, man. Let's
try this shit again, man.

All right, let's trade.
Let's give it to you, baby, how you doing?

Hold the apple.
Ready for this? All right, here we go.

I want you to toss
me the apple.

Now?No, next fucking week.

Yeah, now!
What the hell? Duh!

All right, I want you
to toss me the apple.

Now on the count
of three. Oh, shit.

See y'all all nervous
and shit about this juggling shit.

Man, I know what
I'm doing here.

I'm a professional,
there's no danger involved, I know what I'm doing.

Everything under control.

Here we go, one.

Take the stem out so
I don't fuck myself up.

All right, here we go, one...

Two. Holy shit, whoa!
Got it going. All right! Whoo!

All right.

All right. All right.
What's your name, baby? What's your name?

T.J.What?

T.J.All right,
check this out, T.J.

Juggling and eating
the apple.

And all you got to do,
T.J, is reach in

and bite the red fucking
object, all right?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You bite that bowling ball,
you're going to be fucked up.

All right, here we go.

Won't have no teeth,
look like you're from West Virginia and shit.

All right, here we go.

All right. Eating the apple.
I can do this shit. Eating the apple.

Damn, it's fucking windy
in here. All right, here we go.

Eating the apple.

That's the apple.
That's the apple.

That's the apple. All right.

Fucking bowling ball.
Okay. Whoa!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Thank you.

[MUMBLING]

Oh.

Here's something right here,
quick impression. Homosexual juggling.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

We gonna go out kind of
funky here, folks.

Show y'all something.
Don't try this at home, y'all.

I'mma eat the fire here.

By the way folks, if you
eat fire, you shit fire, all right?

So don't try this, man.
Walk around with fire jumping out your ass. Ahhh!

So don't try this shit...
Watch out for those Jheri curls, too.

All right, here we go,
check this out.

Argh, shit! That was stupid.

Let's do this right.
Kid Capri?

Hook it up for me.
Pump the music! Let's do this.

Everybody wave a hand
in the air like this.

Everybody. Check it out,
here we go.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

Peace, New York,
I'm out of here. Thank you, good night!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Yo, give Kevin Lee
a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

You think he brung
enough shit with him?

Kevin! Clean this
goddamn stage up, man.

This is what you
should go to a job,

when you go to interviews
and see white people.

"Well, I'm just out of
law school, yeah.

"I wonder if you could
let me know if I got the job today?"

Ahhh!

Okay. Yo, coming to
the stage is my girl.

I mean, y'all know
who I'm getting ready to bring out.

I think she's one of
the baddest female comics out there.

I love her, and when
I say "my girl," we're not fucking,

but we're gonna get to that.

Y'all give it up for
my baby, Adele Givens.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Whassup?[AUDIENCE SHOUTS]

I said whassup,
God damn it.

Talk to a fucking
lady tonight.

Give it up for my man,
Kid Capri, y'all.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

That's a big man, ain't he?

I guess I like big things
'cause I grew up poor.

How many of y'all
grew up poor?

Oh, rich motherfuckers
here! Yeah, right.

I lived in the ghetto,
I'm from the west side of Chicago,

and I grew up poor.
But I ain't mad, I'm glad,

because that taught me
to use my creative skill.

'Cause when you're poor,
you don't get games and toys,

so you have to create games.

We made shit up.
Shit like "it."

What the fuck is "it?"

You run up to somebody,
touch him and he it.

You didn't have
shit in your hand.

You just run up,
"You it."

And they think
they it. "Damn."

Now I don't want y'all
to get "it" confused with tag.

Tag was a different game
that we played in the ghetto.

Tag was a game what
we played at the mall.

You know, where you go
the mall, you see some shit you like.

You notice that
the price is way too fucking high.

You find the tag appropriate
to your financial needs.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, rich people
play it too, huh?

You get past security,
you won. Y'all know the game.

When you're poor,
you learn to economize.

I didn't know
what a dustpan was till I was 18 years old.

When you're poor,
you sweep that trash,

and you get a fucking
album cover.

Piece of mail, you know,
whatever you can find.

And when you're finished
with that mustard, jelly or mayonnaise,

don't you throw that
damn good glass away.

Put that shit in
the sink, let it soak.

Company come over,
want some water, bam!

Sixteen ounces,
ice cold, God damn.

Oh, you learn
when you're poor.

And we had that
standard ghetto TV.

You know, that one that
you use the pliers to turn the channel.

The coat hanger is
the antenna, you know the one I'm talking about.

I'm glad I watched
television. It was stupid, it's stupid now.

A lot of commercials that
you look at, if you just think about it.

We're poor, but
we ain't stupid.

We don't act like
the bitches you see on those feminine product ads.

You know, the tampon
happy bitch.

We don't act like
that in real life.

They just stereo...
She come out there all happy with that box, you know,

'cause it's that time.

"It's almost time."

You ain't never seen
a woman happy to get her period!

Unless she forgot to take
that birth control pill or something like that.

They know I ain't lying,
ladies know.

If their period late
and you didn't take that pill,

you will throw a search
party for that motherfucker.

I'm not lying.

Look, that shit will be
on milk cartons.

"Have you seen this, man?"

You'll walk up and down
the street to the bus stop, talking about,

"Excuse me, have
you seen my period?

"If you see it, would
you send it to me?

"It's late and I'm getting
worried about it."

But on TV, they so happy!

That's bullshit, they come
out there and they get active.

That's what make me mad,
they want to do some shit now.

She done laid down all month,

and now that it's time,
she wanna do something.

"I went skiing, swimming,
horseback riding. It's just a regular day!"

Bullshit!

The last thing you wanna
do with a tampon on

is get your ass on a horse
and go horseback riding,

you know what I'm
saying right here?

And you don't
wanna go swimming,

'cause that string gonna
be behind you and everybody notice!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I am such a fucking
lady, yes, I am.

I hate those stereotypes,

we got to get rid
of them dumb women.

And I hate that douche
commercial. Y'all seen it,

where the lady is
sitting at the table with her mother.

She look like she about
30, her mother about 45.

She looks over at her
mother and goes, "Mom, do you douche?"

Her mother should have said,
"Hell, yeah, stinking bitch, don't you?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You mean to tell me
I been running around here mopping,

putting down Pine-Sol
and that's been your

stinking ass
all these years?

Walking around here,
smelling like you need an autopsy,

what's wrong with you?

I am such a fucking
lady, yes, I am.

Stupid shit is all.
That's why I like female rappers,

'cause they say what
the fuck they want to say.

I like them girls. I like
Salt-N-Pepa, y'all like them?

They say what they mean,
they mean what they say.

They ass getting fat too,
ain't they?

They ain't Salt-N-Pepa
no more, they Meat-N-Potatoes now, God damn it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I like them! I like
rappers in general.

You got to give it up
for them brothers.

They creative,
they sound good.

Most of them look good...

But some of them uglier
than a motherfucker.

I'm sorry. I ain't
gonna name no names, but Flavor Flav.

Hey, I didn't make him,
I just saw his ass.

Why does he look like
a fucking science project?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

One of them men so ugly
that he look good, you ever seen one of them?

Done did a complete
360 with ugliness.

Because when I first
saw him I said,

"Ugh, ugh, ugh... Oh.

"I wanna fuck him."

Hey, that's my time!
I enjoyed myself, New York, thanks a lot!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Adele Givens is very
funny, remember that.

Yo, keep that energy going
and welcome to the stage from Ohio,

give it up for
Charles Cozart.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

How's everybody doing?AUDIENCE: All right.

That's good,
'cause I'm pissed.

Because I went to
pick up my personalized license plate,

and they wouldn't
issue it to me.

They said it had
too many letters in it.

I said, yeah, right.

Let me ask you something.
Are there too many letters in "Kill whitey?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Yeah, I didn't think so.

It's good to be back onstage.

I been away from performing
for a while, you know. I was on vacation.

Yeah, I was in Florida.
I was in Michigan.

And I was incarcerated.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Now, you shouldn't find that
strange because statistically,

one out of every four
young black males has either been incarcerated

or has some type of
legal action pending against him.

And that's what
happened to me.

Police came up to
my house and they said,

"Yeah, we know you
haven't done anything

"but statistically,
we got to run you in."

And I'm not good with
math, so I just went.

[SIGHS]

I live in LA now,
and we just went through the riots.

And my neighborhood was
hit pretty hard, it was bad.

It was shooting and burning
and looting everywhere.

And it got worse after
the Rodney King verdict.

I tell you, the lingo
in the hood

is a lot different
than the ghetto that I came from.

In the ghetto, we had
expressions like, "What's happening?"

"What it is."

Some young brother came up
to me the other day and said, "Are you down?"

I said, "Yeah, I been
kind of depressed."

A lot of problems in
my neighborhood, man.

The other day,
I walked out of my house

and there was a transient
out there, a bum.

And he said he wanted change.

I said, "Hey. Can't you
just accept things the way they are?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I'm trying to expand
my horizons, though.

I'm getting out, doing
things cross-culturally.

Some white friends,
they been taking me around.

They took me
bungee-cord jumping.

You ever do that?

Hey, it's fun,
you got to try, man.

You got to get
used to it, especially

the part where they put
the rope around my neck.

And...[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I was in a relationship
with a woman, though, not too long ago,

and she happened
to be white.

And, uh, I saw Jungle Fever.
I said, "We got to talk."

I said, "Look, you know,
I really care about you,

"but I think I need a woman
who can better understand my struggle.

"I need a woman who can
better help fulfill my needs.

"I need a rich white woman."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Thanks a lot.
That's it for me.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

All right, man.

How do y'all feel
about that, though?

Seriously. You know,
sister say...

Sisters out here...

[MUTTERING]

No, I'm saying,
I didn't say I'd date them!

[LAUGHS] I...

All I'm saying, hey,
I'm into my sisters.

Fuck the bullshit.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

You know, I'm just
saying, though...

[ALL LAUGHING]

Coming to the stage,
this is my man.

I had the pleasure of
doing a movie with him, House Party.

He was the kid that
Robin Harris was cutting on,

"Boy, look at this
motherfucker with the drip-drop,

"with the Jheri curl."

So, ever since that movie
he's changed his shit.

And he's here to perform
for you, so give it up for my man,

Anthony Johnson.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Wassup, New York?

Y'all give it up
again for Martin.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Aw, man. I just got out
here from LA, man.

I met a girl out here,
said she was down with OPP.

I heard women with weaves
are down with OPP.

Because they think it means
other people's ponytail.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Man, I'm down with OPP.

We all should be
down with OPP,

but we ain't, 'cause
we don't know what it means.

I'm down with OPP.
When a girl try to give me some pussy

and I think something
wrong with it, that's when I be down with OPP,

which mean, "Oh,
please, put it away."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

That's right.

And I love doing comedy,
man, this shit is fun.

I wouldn't do nothing else.
If I was something else, I'd be a rapper.

'Cause you don't need
that much to be a rapper

but a fucking Jheri curl
and a coat.

But don't get me wrong,
I love rappers, man.

I love the steps,
the beat, the lyrics.

What I like most about
a rapper, though, is the names they be having.

And I looked into
the shit, and I found out

that a rapper name is
simply how he living.

Like Ice Cube. He call
hisself Ice Cube because the boy's cold.

Hammer calls himself Hammer
because he hitting hard.

Heavy D 'cause he big.

And if I was a rapper
and I named myself on how I was living,

my name would be
MC Broke-As-Fuck.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'd have a DJ named
DJ Doing Bad.

Two motherfucking dancers,
Hard Time and To The Curb.

But I couldn't get up here
and lie like them other rappers be doing,

be talking about shit
I ain't got. I got to rap about shit I know about.

I be rapping about
shit like free cheese,

motherfucking welfare.

And my number one
song would be

the proper way to catch
a bus, with or without a transfer.

Fellas, I went to jail.
Y'all got warrants, you better pay them.

Because they locking
motherfuckers up for tickets, serious.

They put me in jail, man,
for a ticket.

And they put me in a cell
with brothers had like 50 and 60 years.

I was in there for a ticket,
that's three days' time served.

And it was two big,
buff brothers in there,

bothering everybody
in the cell, too.

Except this one dude,
they asked him, "What you in here for?"

He turned around,
looked at them real slow, he said, "Look.

"Now I done killed
one motherfucker.

"And God damn it,
don't make me kill again,

"because I don't mind
doing it."

They left that
motherfucker alone.

I seen this shit, I said,
"Damn. I got to do something

"make my ticket sound like
I done something bad."

So they asked me, they said,
"Little man, what you in here for?"

I turned around, looked
at them real slow, I said, "Look,

"motherfucker.

"Now, I done ran
one stop light.

"And God damn it,
don't make me run again."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE CHANTING]

And, fellas, y'all got
to get y'all own shit and stop leeching off women.

You know now, all women want
niggas for is their money.

I was talking to a girl
at the club, she stopped me right in my tracks,

"Nigga, stop, hold,
freeze, stop.

"Do you have money?"

I was like, "What?"
"Do you have bucks?

"Do you have your business?
A bank account? A Benz?

"A blazer? Nigga,
do you got anything that start with a B?"

I was like, "Yeah, bitch,
I got a bucket.

"I got a bunch of bad credit.

"Got a brand new bus pass."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And, women, y'all got to
stop lying about sex, too.

If you're going to do
something, do it, be proud.

Don't do it and
say you don't.

And if you're going
to do it, be the best. Be all you can be.

Serious, because women
lie about oral sex.

I heard this lady,
no shit, say

she wouldn't suck a man dick
for four million dollars.

Ladies, every lady in here
clap if you'll suck a man dick for four million dollars.

[APPLAUSE]

Now you know what?
All y'all should be clapping,

because I know some
of y'all probably sucking dick for a Happy Meal.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Fellas! Fellas, I don't
give a fuck if you're with your wife,

your girl, your friend.

For four million dollars,
how many of y'all would suck a dick?

A regular dick, not
a AIDS or a VD dick?

Clap if you'll suck a dick
for four million dollars!

And if y'all said,
"Yeah," cool.

And if y'all said,
"No," y'all some lying motherfuckers.

Because I'm not
no faggot or no shit like that,

but for four million dollars,
man, I'll suck the skin off a dick.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

A nigga got to give me
another $150,000 just to stop.

And brothers always talking
about, "I'll do it, but what if somebody see me?"

For all that money, I'll
suck a dick on cable TV,

buck naked in a bow tie,
some pink pumps, a ankle bracelet,

wearing a mood ring,
holding a pet rock,

watering a Chia Pet
and humming the lyrics of Kumbaya.

Ayo, New York, my name's
Anthony, I'm out of here.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

Yo, give my man
Anthony a round of applause,

give him another round of
applause, God damn.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

I'm not sucking no dick.

No matter, I'll be
a poor motherfucker.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You braver than me, boy.

Because if I suck your
dick, I got to kill you.

Argh!

Oh. Okay!

Look, I really wanna
thank you guys.

You are a great audience.
Thank you very much for coming out.

Let me bring my man
out to say good night.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Whassup, man?

Thanks for coming out.
God bless you. Good night.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

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