All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s02e04.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell
Simmons'Def Comedy Jam.

And now your host,
Martin Lawrence.

[APPLAUSE]

Kid Capri, give it up
for my man.

Baddest DJ out there. Yo!

How ya doing?

Well, once again, thank you,

and the viewers at home,
thank you for joining us again.

We're very happy, hello.

I'd like to acknowledge some
people, where are they?

Run-DMC, where they...
Where they...

Run-DMC, what's up, man?

[APPLAUSE]Give them a round
of applause.

Boys, yo man.
I'm proud of y'all.

You boys sold
15 million records.

That's beautiful, beautiful.

Yo, that's... That's...
That's young...

Get that shit.
That's black people doing some shit.

[APPLAUSE]

You made that possible.

They some rappers though.
They rappers.

We got somebody
else in the house.

Where my man, Kenny Anderson?
What's up? Where's Kenny?

Where is Kenny?

Oh, don't hide in the back,
Kenny. What's up man?

Say "What's up" to the people.

Boy, Kenny Anderson
with the New Jersey Nets.

That's nice, man.
Kenny just got drafted,

2.9 million a year. Damn!

[APPLAUSE]

But... But he plays
2.9 minutes a game...

[APPLAUSE]

Uh, so that means
you have 2.9 million splinters in your ass.

[CHUCKLES]

And that's 2.9 mil...
No, I'm fucking with ya.

You're my boy.
You're my motherfucker!

[APPLAUSE]

I don't care.

For that kind of money,
I don't give a fuck.

'Cause, next year,
you gonna be rolling and takin' that shit out.

Boom, you know. Coach,
it was the coach that did that shit, man.

'Cause you my nigga.

And nigga's crazy
nice with his...

[LAUGHING]

Real nice. For 2.9, I'll sit
on the goddamn bench just like a little bitch.

[LAUGHING]

[SCREAMS]

You fouled him.

[LAUGHING]

I'll be a little bitch
for $2.9 million.

[SIGHS]

We got some little
pretty ladies here.

Little light-skinned ladies.

Now, you look mixed.
Are you? You are? Yeah, see.

You're not black,
you're not white, you're confused.

[LAUGHING]

[SCREAMS]

You're sort of like Kid
from Kid 'n Play.

[LAUGHING]

"What'd my mom
go and do?"

I'm jokin', I'm jokin'.
How ya doin? I'm just jokin'.

Nah, 'cause I was
always wonderin' about when people are mixed.

Your face is like...

"You know, I was just
getting to know who I am.

"But you just
fuckin' ruined it. fuckin' ruined it."

Nah, I'm just sayin'
that helps during a riot,

'cause you can just
jump on the white side.

[LAUGHING]

"Fuck 'em! Just fuck 'em!"

[LAUGHING]

Ooh.

Yo, comin' to the stage
from my hometown,

'cause we all of that in DC,

and we comin'
here to New York to do our thing,

but I know you
gonna enjoy this brother,

so give it up for my man,
Dave Chappelle.

[APPLAUSE]

What up, yo?[APPLAUSE]

Man, I am in
the fucking house.

Boy, I just moved up
here to New York, boy.

You wanna know why
it was so wild for me moving to New York?

'Cause I moved straight
into the West Village.

So y'all know... You know...
Y'all know the first day in my new neighborhood,

I was just walking around
laughing like a motherfucker.

[LAUGHING]

"Hey, man, look, look.

"There go some gay guys.
[LAUGHS]

"Hey, look, there go some
more, uh, they kissin'. [LAUGHS]

"Hey... Hey... Hey...

"Hey, what the fuck, man?"

[LAUGHING]

I ain't never seen so many
gay people in my life.

Started havin'
nightmares, man.

The same nightmare,
every night.

I'm walking home late
one night by myself.

Nobody else is around.

And, all of a sudden,
this guy comes out of nowhere, man,

he puts a gun
up to my head.

You know, and he doesn't
want my money or anything like that.

He just says,
"Click, click, click,

"Suck my dick."

[LAUGHING]

That's when I woke up
every night. [GASPS]

[LAUGHING][SIGHS]

I told my boy about it.
I said, "Man, I've been having this dream."

You know what he said?
He said, "Yo, Dave,

"I would bite his shit off!"

I don't have the heart
to bite somebody's penis off, man.

You know, you'd be
all mad like, [SCREAMS]

Ugh.

[LAUGHING]

Oh. I would think about it.
I'm not gonna lie.

I know every guy would.
As soon as they see it, they gonna be like [GASPS]

"I'm gonna bite his dick off.

"I'm gonna bite
his fuckin' dick off."

[SCREAMS][CLICK]

[KISSING]

[LAUGHING]

Hey, don't tell nobody,
man, all right?

But I gotta live.

[APPLAUSE]

Well, fuck this.

Y'all a hyped-ass crowd, man.

Hey, we even got
a white guy in the house. What's up, man?

Peace.

[LAUGHS]

I remember I went to
a party with a white guy. He was like...

He wasn't like...
You know, he was like real Vanilla Icy and shit.

And you know how
brothers are at a party,

when we get together,
we call each other niggas.

You know, nothing negative,
just we be like,

"Hey, what's up, nigga?"

[IMITATING GUNSHOTS] Hey!

"Oh, my nigga.
[LAUGHS] What's up boy?"

My white friend got all
excited and said, "Hey, what's up, nigger?"

[EXCLAIMS] The music stopped,
everyone looked at him.

[LAUGHS]

Man, he got his butt
kicked that night.

I mean, he got
fucked up. You know.

I hated to do it, but damn.

He was talkin'
about my people.

I swear, man.
I just got back from Los Angeles, California, man.

That's all they
were talking about

was Rodney King this,
Rodney King that.

Them riots were
fucked up, man. Let me tell you something.

They looted a fuckin'
donut shop.

[LAUGHING]

A donut shop, man.

Why would you do
something like that?

I guess they were
in the VCR store just breaking shit up...

[WHIPPING]Whoo.

"Damn.

"You hungry?"

[LAUGHING]"Let's get some donuts."

We gotta remember, though,

it is not all police officers
that be beatin' people up.

Just most of them.

See, I understand
how the police feel

because I myself used to have
the most dangerous job in Washington DC.

I used to deliver
pizzas for Domino's.

They would rob me
every day, man.

I come to the door,
be like, "Hey, buddy, here's your pizza."

"Great."

[LAUGHING]

"Put it on the table."

I had to get a gun, man.

Like, how many Domino's
pizza boys have you seen carry a fuckin' gun?

I used to bust in
people's apartments, just,

"Pssh! Domino's, freeze."

[LAUGHING]

"Put the money
on the floor, man. Get on the floor, don't move.

"All right, I'm gonna get
out of here nice and slow, all right?

"I don't want any trouble.

"One of you motherfuckers
is gonna tip me."

[LAUGHING]

Peace, y'all.

[APPLAUSE]

[DRUM BEATS PLAYING]

I wanna rap. I wanna rap.

[DRUM BEATS STOP]

[DRUM BEATS START]

What are you?
Drunk tonight, man?

Comin' to the stage is my
man from Dayton, Ohio.

I know you gonna enjoy it,
so give it up for Mystro.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

My fault. I was tryin' to get
my drawers out of my ass.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, I'm just glad to be
back in a real city with some real brothers, man.

Damn, 'cause I was...
All last week, I was doin' a show in Louisiana.

I grew up in Ohio,
they was actin' like I had an accent.

Every time I said something,
they was on me like,

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
"What are you sayin', black man?

"We can't understand you.

"What do you want from us?"

[LAUGHING]

I was like, "Excuse me
for using a subject and a verb on your monkey ass.

"That's what I said."[LAUGHING]

Damn man,
'cause they just country!

There's brothers Down
South don't even know slavery's over yet.

I swear. I was walking
through the...

I was walking through
this airport in Alabama.

This brother ran up to me
like, "I is goin' for my freedom tonight, man."

[LAUGHING]

"Is you comin'
or is you ain't?"

[LAUGHING]

"We ain't gonna never
have to worry about nothin' no more."

I was like, "No, money,
I'm gonna stay here with the white folks, all right?

"I'm a house nigga,
all right?"

Damn, man. Whoo!

Oh, my god.

But I got to give
a shout out too, man.

We had a black pilot
flyin' out here.

I was proud as hell, flat out.

'Cause you don't see too many
brothers flyin' planes, man.

I was happy. Serious.[APPLAUSE]

Check it.

I had to take a
double-take, you know,

I was expecting to see
a white dude.

I walked in and I was like,
"I... I... I... Hey.

"Hey."

I walked up in the
cockpit and I was like, "Yo, money,

"fly this motherfucker.

"Shit, I got your back."

We sit down, he scared
the hell out of me, man.

Brother came on
the microphone,

"Yo, this your pilot,
Scooty B, I'm in the house."

[LAUGHING]

"Yo, we gonna be
leavin' Ohio on a...

"Shit, on a route? Uh...

"We gonna go through a...
Shit, that next state...

"Shit, we just gonna end
up in New York, all right?"

I'm nervous as hell, right?

Then to make matters worse,
we backin' up from the gate,

this brother hits
somethin', man.

Then he goes stick his
head out the window talkin' about,

"Y'all saw me
backing up, didn't ya?

"Is this a plane?
Is this a plane?

"Get yo ass out the way then.

"Damn, they know
I'm on probation. Damn."

[LAUGHING]

You know, 'cause I'm used
to them white pilots.

Man, they tell you all kind
of dumb shit, don't they?

I'm on there tryin' to sleep,
he come on,

"This is your captain, Bob.

"I'm up here in the cockpit."

I'm like, "That's a good
place for your ass, Bob."

[LAUGHING]

"You know, tell me
some shit I don't know."

Be comin' on talkin' about,
"This is bob, I'm down here in the luggage rack."

Now, that's some shit
I need to know, all right?

[APPLAUSE]

Damn, serious.

Oh, damn.

Then you get them
other white pilots,

they want to be
tour guides and shit. This motherfucker,

"If you look to the left
of the plane, you'll see the Grand Canyon."

I'm like, "Keep your damn
eyes on the sky. All right?

"If I wanted to see shit
on the ground, I'd of drove."

Damn.

Whoa.

I ain't gonna lie.

And then man,
I ain't gonna lie, y'all,

we had a flight attendant
that stuttered.

Almost pissed
on myself laughing.

By the time she finished
the safety briefing, we was landin', man.

[LAUGHING]

She was up in the aisleway,
"In case of a loss of..." [STUTTERS]

"Cabin..." [STUTTERS]

Everyone on the
plane was like...

We was sweatin'
and shit, man.

Finally, I couldn't stand it.

I got up and said,
"Damn bitch, get hooked on phonics, all right?"

[LAUGHING]Damn.

Wow. I couldn't take it.

Pissin' me off, man.
'Cause you'll remember

when flight attendants
used to be all sexy and shit, had booties, bam!

Now they hirin' any ho
that ain't scared of heights, man.

[LAUGHING]

I ain't lyin'.
We had a flight attendant, man,

her booty was so big,
she was comin' down the aisle

knocking drinks out of
people's hands and shit.

She bent over
to pick up a napkin,

some dude's arm went
clean up her ass, man.

He had a little drink
bottle in his hand, lost that motherfucker.

That's $4.50 up
that ass, you know.

I'm like, "Yo, money,
if I was you, I'd go get that.

"Yo, wipe off the top.
You can drink that, shit."

Man.

"Alcohol a disinfectant,
drink that."

I'm Mystro. Y'all be cool.

[APPLAUSE]

Give him another round
of applause, Mystro.

[APPLAUSE]

Okay. All right.

We gonna keep
this thing rollin'.

Ah, comin' to the stage,
this girl is gorgeous.

You know what I'm sayin,
I never had a chance to get with it.

But if I get a chance,
I'm gonna get it,

then I'm gonna stick it,
then I'm a flip it.

But [LAUGHS] no, man.

She's from Atlanta, Georgia.
I know you're gonna enjoy it. Give it up for Chocolate.

[APPLAUSE]

All right, my first question.

Any men out there
that eat chocolate?

[APPLAUSE]

All right, now. I don't hear
nobody sayin' nothing.

I see y'all out there smilin'.

Teeth all brown.

[LAUGHING]

Talkin' about, "No,
I don't eat no chocolate."

No, I love being black.

Any pro-black people
here tonight? Pro-black?

[APPLAUSE]

Y'all can clap,
I said pro-black, not poor black.

[LAUGHING]

No, I love being
pro-black, I do.

But see, being pro-black,
we do and say some stupid things.

We do. And see,
I didn't realize it though

until this Jamaican woman
walked up to me one day.

She hit me to a lot of things,
but she went off on me.

She was like,
[JAMAICAN ACCENT] "Come here, young lady.

"I want to talk to you
about a thing or two.

"Me not understanding
the ways of the Afro-Americans here.

"Me not understanding
why my brother or sister walk to me and say,

"'Stay black, sister.'

"Why you gonna tell me
to stay black?

"It ain't like
I have a choice.

"I can't wake up in the
morning and go, 'Oh,

"me think me wanna
be white today."

[LAUGHING]

"And why they callin' us
Afro-Americans here?

"How they gone name us
according to the way we wear out hair?

"Didn't they know
that one day the afro will go out of style?"

Now, if that were
the case today,

she'd be a Weave American.

[LAUGHING]

"She'd be a Jheri Curl,
and you with your bald head, you'd be extinct."

[LAUGHING]

And I just got my HIV test.

See, I wasn't scared
to take mine,

see, because I been celibate,
you know, for a while.

I have you know, I'm serious.

I've been celibate
so long now, I feel like a virgin again.

[LAUGHING]

I'm serious. I can't even
use tampons anymore.

[LAUGHING]

'Cause I been celibate
now I think about two... Two and a half days now.

[LAUGHING]

I think I got
this thing licked.

[CHUCKLES]

No, but see, I know
y'all think, you know,

"Two days? She has
got to be horny."

But see, no,
'cause I take care of me, I do.

That's right, I masturbate.

[LAUGHING]

Don't look at me
like that, now.

Don't get me wrong,
I don't do it, you know, to get off,

I do it to 'cause it
makes my hair look good.

[LAUGHING]

But I feel like, you know,
if you gonna do anything, give it 110%, you know?

So I be in there workin' out,
I do. I worked out.

I do, if y'all was
anywhere around,

y'all would swear
somebody else was in there with me,

'cause I be in there...

"Whose is this?"

[LAUGHING]

"Whose is it?

"Say my name, say it."

[LAUGHING]

I don't know
what y'all laughing at.

After I'm done,
I roll over and have me a cigarette and a drink,

'cause I am good to me.

I'm tellin' you.

But no, you know.
And I have to say to the women. You know, women,

just because a man
goes down on you,

don't mean you got to do him.

[APPLAUSE]

All right now, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

No, uh-uh.

[MEN BOOING][LAUGHS]

No, no, no. No,
hold it, hold it, hold it.

Now, wait a minute.

No, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

[APPLAUSE]

Okay, see now,
a lot of y'all clappin'.

A lot of women clappin'.

But I have to ask this
question before I go on.

How many women
in here give head?

[LAUGHING]

No need to lie,
'cause I ask the men.

Men, how many women
in here give head?

[APPLAUSE][LAUGHS]

Thank you, thank you.

I'm tellin' you. And see...

See now, if this
was a white club,

see the black women
don't want to, they don't want to fess up.

But if this was a white club,
you'd have to hold them women down.

[LAUGHING]

They been there, "Hun,
you just show me where it hurts and I'll blow it."

[LAUGHING]

Chinese women,
"Five dolla, sucky, sucky."

[LAUGHING]

Black women, "Boy, if you
don't get that stankin' thing out of my face..."

[LAUGHING]

"You can at least
wash it off first."

[LAUGHING]

Don't try to act like
you don't, black women, 'cause we know.

But no, see the reason
bein' though, see men,

it does not affect you guys
the way it affects us, see.

See, you know, y'all may
salivate a little more, lick your lips a lot.

But see, women.
Women get stretch marks all around they mouth.

They do and it's an awful,
ugly sight. It is.

And see, she know
what I'm talkin' about,

'cause she looking
at me like, "She right,

"and I ain't doin'
that no more."

Thank you,
my name's Chocolate.

[APPLAUSE]

Damn.

All right.

That's a gorgeous girl.
Give her another round of applause, please.

[APPLAUSE]Uh...

Just...

I couldn't believe
that motherfucker.

[LAUGHS] Work it out.

Yo. Well, coming
to the stage,

give it up for my man, DL.

[APPLAUSE]

Give it up to Martin Lawrence
one time y'all, loud.

[APPLAUSE]

I'm glad them fuckin'
holidays over.

"Don't drink and drive."
Motherfucker, how I'm gonna get home?

[LAUGHING]

What I'm gonna do, stay
in a club all night drunk?

No, bitch,
I can't go nowhere. Give me another beer.

'Cause alcohol
cost me everything,

my job, my family, everything.

I know I should stop
but I figure, fuck it. I'm no quitter.

[CHUCKLES][LAUGHING]

Why should I quit?
[LAUGHS]

Everybody talking that shit
about the looters, man.

I feel... I don't
give a fuck, man.

That... That jury
was fucked up.

Rodney King should them
motherfucking ass.

[APPLAUSE]

'Cause don't nobody
deserve their ass whooped like that.

I don't give a fuck
what you do.

Look at the white man,
you nervous as hell, huh?

[LAUGHING]

I know. I would be too,

'cause you know we lookin'
at Rootsin the back.

You know that, right?[LAUGHING]

What's your name?
What's your name, man?

Billy? Fuck that,
you a nigga now. Your name Pookie.

[LAUGHING]

You one of us, motherfucker.
You're a nigga now.

[APPLAUSE]

Somebody get
this motherfucker an unemployment check.

[LAUGHING]

Go forth, be mad,
'cause you a nigga now.

[LAUGHING]

Look at this, this a
big motherfucker, man.

Damn. You only go to movies
with food in them, huh?

Children of the Corn,

Silence of the Lambs,

Fried Green Tomatoes.

[LAUGHING]

"I'm thirsty."
"Well, let's go see Juice."

[LAUGHING]

Big motherfucker.

It's cool to be here, man,
'cause I ain't bullshittin', man.

Women, you got to be cool...

You got to take women
to eat early,

'cause if you don't feed
a woman, a black woman in the first two hours,

she will lose
her fuckin' mind.

Won't she? The first
two hours are like a grace period.

Then all of a sudden,
you get a [ROARS].

"What was that?"
"Nothing."

"What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing, motherfucker."

So we just gonna drive right
past that Sizzler, huh?

[LAUGHING]

"You ain't shit."

[APPLAUSE]

"Uh-uh, stop the car,
I buy my own shit."

"Old triflin' ass. [LAUGHS]

"Triflin', just a..."

And women need shit
to make love.

Women, "Oh, I can
really make love

"if you put on some
Luther Vandross.

"Oh, if you put on
some Jodeci, oh."

Men don't need that,
'cause we know if we can get some pussy,

we can fuck to a siren.

"Whoo, bend over girl.
That's my song.

"Come on now."

[LAUGHING]

I don't even fuck no more.
My dick is just a trophy.

I just leave it
on the fireplace.

"It used to really
be something.

"Look at him go."

'Cause I ain't bullshittin'.
I ain't goin' on...

I ain't even takin' no
fuckin' AIDS test, man.

I don't even want to know
if I got the shit.

I just want to be walking
along... [GASPS]

"Help, I've fallen...

"And I can't get up."

[APPLAUSE]

Fuck that. There's too
many ways to die, man.

I grew up with like one
of them fathers, man.

That thought he was cool,
but really wasn't.

Wore the short pants,
the black socks and the sandals.

Always trying
to make you go,

"Son, go to the
store with me."

I'm like, "Fuck you, man.
I got an image.

"Somebody see me
with your crusty ass, my shit is through."

Drive one of them big cars.
Buick Electra 225.

Niggas used to think
it was a bus.

We would stop at lights,
people I didn't know got in,

put change in the ashtray.

"Wake me up when
we get to the mall."

He bought a pull out
eight track for his car.

Like somebody's
gonna fuck with them Al Green tapes.

'Cause you know
they all love Al Green, that's the nigga.

Bought a burglar alarm, too.
It didn't go, "Boop, boop."

It just went, "Nigga, please.

[LAUGHING]

Don't want this motherfucker."

I'd been bro...
We used to be so poor, we was four of us.

My father couldn't pay
for all four of us to go to Disneyland.

Just pay for one nigga.

He'd go and report, "It's fun!

"Y'all gonna love it.
Wait till y'all get to go."

Well, my father was a man...

Remember when you had
to fill out them slips, man?

So you could get
them free lunch tickets at school?

Don't act like I'm the only
motherfucker did that.

It's a gang of niggas
that ate free.

'Cause goin' to school early
in the mornin' so you can get them coffee cakes?

That was good
as a motherfucker, wasn't it?

That was... You had
to fill out that slip.

Your father... My father
used to always be mad.

I used to wonder. I say,
"Why is he mad? He ain't got to pay for this shit."

He used to always be mad.
But you know what?

By filling out this slip
and telling people how much money he made

and asking for help,
that was like...

He thought that was his way
of society telling him he was a failure.

Black people don't fail
just they ask for help.

We need that.
They owe us 430 something years' worth of shit.

[APPLAUSE]

That motherfucker
would be in there, mad.

"Oh, I make $10,000...

"A decade."

[LAUGHING]

I don't...

My father for the first time,
I'm not bullshittin',

for the first time,
six months ago,

my father told me he loved me.

It touched me, man,
'cause my father never said he loved me before.

"I love you."

Right after that,
that nigga asked me for $100.

[LAUGHING]

I said, "you can have it
after you fill out this slip, motherfucker."

You guys have been great.
Peace out. Thank you

[APPLAUSE]

Hey, man, you know...

I want to thank you guys
for hanging out with us. I mean, this is beautiful.

Thank you for coming,
all of you.

Let me bring my friend,
the Scoopman.

Come here, Russell.

Come on. Hi, how ya doin'?

[APPLAUSE]

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