All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s02e03.eng

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell
SimmonsDef Comedy Jam.

[CHEERING]

And now your host,
Martin Lawrence.

What's up?[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Welcome to another Def Jam.

Give my man, Kid Capri,
a round of applause.

[ALL APPLAUDING]

Thank you for coming out,
once again.

We love ya dearly. Truly.

There some beautiful
women here.

You know I know
you good looking, girl.

There's pretty... God damn!
Sisters just look good.

I'm looking for big titties.
Where are my big titties?

[LAUGHING]

No, I'm not.

I just saw that movie,
Basic Instinct.

Fuck that shit.

Who saw that movie?
Did you see that movie?

That girl fucking
and shit, just...

[LAUGHING]

Any time me and the lady
fucking now on,

I'm looking with every
other eye I got. I'm like...

[GROANS][LAUGHING]

"Give me them hands,
motherfucker."

He was willing to die
for that pussy, though. He ain't care.

He knew the bitch
was stabbing that motherfucker.

He's just, "Oh... Oh...
Ah... Yeah."

Oh, no, not me.

Brother like this,
I ain't... God damn.

What kind of glasses
you got on, man?

[LAUGHING]I know, it just...

It just threw me
for a minute and shit. How many fingers?

[LAUGHING]

Fucker, you seeing eight,
motherfucker. Stop lying.

[CHUCKLES]

No, I just saying...
You cool, you cool.

Them motherfuckers
are thick, though.

[LAUGHING]

They don't have
no contacts that...

[LAUGHING]

Be bubbles and shit.

You know what
I'm saying, man? You know.

'Cause you my boy.
You know I could rap to you about that.

♪ You my boy [LAUGHING]

Y'all got good parking? Huh?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hell no.

You didn't?
Motherfucker's mad.

We never get good parking.

Never. Well, in New York,
you can't get them shit.

Piss-infested...

[LAUGHS] No, no, no,
I love New York.

They don't think that funny.
"We gotta live here.

"You don't have to say
that about us, Martin."

No, New York's very nice.

Just no parking.
It's fucked up.

Handicapped people got
very good parking spaces.

I park there now.

I park there,
cop gonna tell me,

"Get... Hey... Hey...
Hey, you ain't, no."

I said, "Motherfucker,
you speak for yourself."

[LAUGHING]

I told him and shit,
"You speak for yourself."

He said, "But you don't
have on no... The tag."

I said, "I just got my car."

"You don't know me."

[LAUGHING]

"What you gonna do?
Beat me like Rodney King?"

[CHUCKLES]

Know what I'm sayin'?

Park there, black people,
park there.

And they ask you black...

They tell you,
"You ain't handicapped,"

say, "I'm black,
motherfucker. I'm handicapped.

[LAUGHING]Shit.

Moving on with this, yo.
[CHUCKLES]

Coming to center stage
from Chicago,

give it up for my man,
Lester Barrie.

[APPLAUSE]

What's up, New York?
How y'all doin'?

[CHEERING]

I'm out here tryin'
to make a little money,

'cause that's what I do,
you know, make money.

And I hate people
that tell me, "Lester, money can't buy you happiness."

Now, it's obvious to me
that these Negros don't know where to shop.

[LAUGHING]

'Cause, see, I shop
at the BMW dealer.

I drove out of there last week

with something that
strongly resembled happiness, you know.

And it smelled like
happiness too, you know.

[INHALES] That new smell.

And funny thing,
when the ladies looked at me,

I... I felt happy, you know.

[LAUGHING]

Zero to happiness
in about 4.5 seconds.

I think you know what
I what I'm talkin' about.

So I can't get on the
bandwagon of criticizing Michael Jackson.

People always
talking about him.

He's gay, he's freaky,
he's playing with animals.

Ladies and gentlemen,
if Michael Jackson would put me on salary,

I'd be one of his
animals, all right?

[LAUGHING]

'Cause I got to
come up, y'all.

I'm livin' in the
ghetto right now.

I got to come
and the roaches is botherin' me.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
I got roaches.

I don't mind saying so.

I got so many roaches,
I got some roaches in my car.

Now, you know you
got a lot of roaches

when some of them
got to sleep in the car, y'all, come on now.

But I'm gonna tell you
how bad the roaches are,

I'm what they call
a procrastinator.

Now, what that means is
that rent will sit on that table in my apartment

until the 10th,
and then I'll figure out it's time to pay the rent.

So this one particular time,
it occurs to me,

"Oh my God, today is the 10th,
I haven't paid my rent."

I go over to the desk
to get the money order.

The money order is gone,
black people.

I'm looking all over
for the money order.

I turn the apartment
upside down.

I even started
a fight with my girl. I said,

"Baby, give me
the money order. You took that money order.

"Give me the money order."

She said, "I ain't take
your dang money."

You know how black
women are. "I ain't take your money."

And we was about to go
to blows, right?

Until the big bad roach
walked up and said, "Don't fight."

He said he took the rent
down to the landlord.

He say he didn't want us
to get put out, yo.

[LAUGHING]

But I got to stay in
my own neighborhood, you know what I'm sayin'?

When I come up,
I got to be near my people.

You know what I'm sayin',
that's just me though, you know.

And not that I hate white
people if there's any of y'all in here,

'cause I don't wanna be
one of the black people

amongst all this
racial tension

and stand up and say
that black people should not hate white people.

We shouldn't, and I know
that every now and again,

a black man is gonna have
a slavery flashback.

Now, I know that.[LAUGHING]

Now, I could just be jogging
with one of my white friends,

and they'll say,
"Hey, Les, what do you say we pick up the pace?"

"I ain't pickin' nothin'!
Whoo."

[LAUGHING]

"Oh, it's hot.

"That joggin' suit,
it ain't cotton, is it?"

And white people
got all the nice stuff.

Not that brothers
don't got nice stuff, 'cause we do,

but white people
don't take care of their stuff like we do.

And it's upsetting.

I saw a white man
on my way here tonight...

[LAUGHING]

He was driving a Mercedes.

And he was digging
in his nose, y'all.

Now, I'm looking at him,
and I'm thinking,

"Now, where's he
gonna put that?"

[LAUGHING]

I mean, he can't wipe it
under the seat

'cause it's a Mercedes, right?

I mean, if he was driving
like a Pinto or something it'd be different, right?

Now, everybody with a Pinto
is mad at me,

but we can go outside
and do a booger check right now.

Take care of your things.

Brothers, give it up
for the sisters in the house.

They lookin' good.
Come on fellas, give it up.

Give it up.
Give it up for them. That's right. Yeah.

Now, you weren't clappin', J.

Give it up for the sis...

Okay, give it up
for the men then, come on just...

[LAUGHING]

Sexy chocolate.

[LAUGHING]

Just give it up
for somebody, man.

I want me a strong
black woman, man. You know what I'm sayin'?

I'm looking for a strong,
strong black woman, you know what I'm sayin'?

All the strong black women
in the house say, "Ah!"

WOMEN: Ah!That's right.

I ain't really notice
the difference

between a strong woman
and a weak woman

until I saw that movie,
The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

Now, if you didn't
see this movie, I ain't gonna spoil it for you.

But in this movie, a woman
come into your house, girlfriend.

She gonna take your husband
and your child away.

Now, this woman sitting there
through the whole movie,

"Why doesn't she just
leave us alone?

"Oh, my God."

Had that been a sister,
that movie would have lasted about two minutes.

A sister would have said,
"Oh, is that the hand that rocks the cradle?

"Well, meet the finger
that pulls the trigger."

[LAUGHING]

I gotta get out of here.
I'm Lester Barrie. God bless you, out.

[APPLAUSE]

Give him another round
of applause please.

[APPLAUSE]My man.

Another round of applause.

You got my man right here,
Dres from Black Sheep. What's up, man?

And my partners as well,
Kid 'n Play.

What's up? Suck it tight.
Suck it tight, man.

Thanks for comin' out,
my man.

Yo, movin' on with the show.

[LAUGHS] Comin' to the stage
from my hometown.

And be nice,
'cause we got it goin' on.

But I know you gonna
enjoy this brother, give it up for Royale.

[APPLAUSE]

What's up, New York?

[APPLAUSE]

Now, see, I gotta let
y'all know something.

I was a little apprehensive
about comin' up here to do the show

because the
last time I was here, I played a club

and I got in an altercation
with this guy in the audience.

Okay, not an altercation.

This guy in the audience
kicked my ass all around the club.

But we not gonna have
that problem tonight, are we?

[APPLAUSE]

Hold that for me, man.

We not gonna have that same
problem tonight, are we?

Uh...

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS] It's crazy, man.

You know, I play with
the gun, but honestly, I don't need a gun,

because I come from
a rather large family.

You know, I have
11 brothers and two sisters.

And we'll jump
your ass in a minute.

[LAUGHING]

You know, because
that's what my father taught us

to do when we were
younger, you know?

My father used to box,
and he'd tell us,

"Now look, if you can't
beat 'em, jump 'em."

[LAUGHING]

That shit worked too, man.

'Cause if one of us came home
from a fight crying,

my father would beat the
one that was crying for losing the fight...

And beat the other 13
for not jumping the motherfucker

like he tells us to do
in the first place.

You know, and if all
14 of us came home from a fight crying,

my father better be
sittin' on that couch

and a newsflash better
come on saying,

"Mike Tyson has
escaped prison."

'Cause Mike Tyson is bad, man.

Mike Tyson is bad,
but he ain't the baddest Mike of all time.

You guys know who the
baddest Mike of all time is?

Oh, that's right,
Michael Jackson.

Oh, oh, no, Michael Jackson,
without a doubt.

Let me tell you something.
Anytime...

Any man that has to adjust
himself 1,300 times

in a three-minute video
got to be bad.

I do a whole set
and don't have to adjust myself

but boop, one time.
That's it.

I think I must still be
in the ding-a-ling stage.

Ro have a little thing,
I tell you that now. Ain't it, dude?

[LAUGHS]

And black women don't
make it easy on a brother.

You know, 'cause
I consider myself

to be like one of the
suavest guys making love.

I go in the bathroom
and get undressed

and come out like this.

[WHISTLING]

My girlfriend gonna tell me,
"Royale, wait, wait one minute."

I said, "What's wrong?"

She said,
"You got a little thing."

[LAUGHING]

Oh, y'all laughin',
but I was hurt.

[LAUGHING]You know...

And I had to think
of somethin'.

So I told her, I said,
"That's right, baby. I got a little thing,

"but I'm drinking milk now."

[LAUGHING]

Oh, man.

She said,"Well, don't you
think it's about time

"for them cows to come home?"

I said, "Cows? Shit,
you wrestlin' with the bull.

"And while you down there,
don't let the smooth taste fool ya."

[LAUGHING]

Oh, man.

You got to watch
them ladies, man.

It's good to see
all these people in here together man,

sisters and brothers.
White people, Chinese people.

Any homosexuals in here?

We wanna make sure everybody's
well represented and shit.

Oh, y'all laughin' man,
but homosexuals everywhere you go.

You can die and go to hell,

be a homosexual down
there with his shirt tied in a knot, complaining,

"Oh, my Lord, it's hot
down here. Can we get some water?"

[LAUGHING]"This don't make no sense."

And you ever noticed how
if you tell a homosexual "No,"

he ain't just
gonna walk away.

He gonna walk away like you
about to change your mind.

Like a homosexual
come up to me,

"Excuse me, you want me
to suck your dick?"

"No."

He walk away like this.

[LAUGHING]

Uh-huh.

And that some shit
personally I just don't understand, man.

That whole homosexual thing.

I don't understand that,
you know?

And like a friend
of mines was tellin' me,

"It's not a random thing,
everybody has homosexual genes.

"You know, and
whether you become a homosexual or not

"depends on whether
your genes dominate."

Like you, man,
what's your name?

[LAUGHING]

What's your name, man?

Artie?

Help me out
with this, brother,

'cause I'm tryin
to figure this out, you know?

But between me and you,
man to man,

ain't nobody else gonna
know this but like,

the 50 million
motherfucking HBO viewers out there.

Hey, like...

Would you suck
another man's dick for a million dollars?

No.Huh?

Now see, what was
so hard about that?

He might not be a homosexual,

but he ain't the smartest
motherfucker in the world.

[LAUGHING]

A million dollars,
you can suck a dick and relocate, man.

[APPLAUSE]

Hey, my name is Royale.
You guys have been great. Peace.

[APPLAUSE]

I'm getting old...

But I'm not sucking a dick.

[LAUGHING]

I know, man,
'cause you know,

he talking about sucking
a dick for a million dollars, fuck that.

What if the check bounced?

[LAUGHING]

You be like,
"Oh, fuck, damn it.

"What do you mean this
shit's not going through?"

[CHUCKLES]

No, man.

Two million dollars
maybe. In cash.

[CHUCKLES]

No, I'm not sucking a dick.

Okay, coming to the stage

from Mount Vernon, New York,
give it up for JB Smoove.

[APPLAUSE]

What's up?

What's up? Buggin' out
up in here.

Def Comedy Jam.
What's up, y'all?

[APPLAUSE]

I'm buggin' out, man.
Buggin out, yo.

Who's gonna vote this year?

[APPLAUSE]

For Bush? Hell no.

Is anybody on welfare here?

Is it... No...
I read in USA Today,

my man is trying to get
everybody off welfare...

But he ain't gonna
do it the easy way.

He's gonna frustrate you
to get off welfare.

Talkin' about, he gonna
make food stamps this big.

[LAUGHING]

'Cause he know damn well

ain't nobody gonna go
to store with no big-ass food stamp.

"Baby, I need you to go
to the store for me."

"Damn, Ma."

[LAUGHING]

"Look at homeboy with
the big food stamp.

"Get a job, man, get a job."

"How much is that, man?
Three dollars?"

[LAUGHING]

I can't stand
when I'm in a store

and I'm behind somebody
with food stamps

and they give you that,
"You want my food stamp?" look.

It's always the old ladies
too, talking about...

One, two, three...

[LAUGHING]

Four, five, six...

Boy, what the fu...
Get your ass outta here.

Just got my first
apartment, yo!

My first apartment, boy.

[APPLAUSE]

But when I moved in,
I bought that, you know, sticky mousetrap shit.

You know, that little...

But, yo, is it me,

or does it seem
like a sticky mousetrap catch everything

except the
motherfuckin' mouse?

[LAUGHING]

Put the damn thing
down... No lie...

Put the damn thing
down in the nighttime.

Get up in the morning, "Oh!"

What the fuck is?
There be cookies, pennies, Doritos,

and you ain't even
got no damn Doritos.

"Yeah, but how the fuck..."

I went to work
one day, no lie...

I went to work one day,
came home a little early,

and my door was like
halfway open, so I'm like,

"Damn. Somebody done
broke in my house, man."

I'm sayin' like, "Damn!"

So I, like, pushed the
door open a little bit

and the burglar was stuck
on the fuckin' trap.

[LAUGHING]

What the fuck is this?

[SCREAMS] "What the fuck?
What the fuck is this?"

[SCREAMS] "What the fuck?"
[SCREAMS]

"Hey, my man, hold this VCR.

"What the fuck? Oh, shit."

But jail is a trip. Know why?

Because now they
tryin' to use psychology on prisoners now.

Now they trying to say
that depending on the paint color on the wall,

a hostile prisoner
will calm down.

When's the last time you
seen somebody get arrested,

calm down because of the
paint color on the wall?

"Get off me, What's up?
Get the fu... Get off me, man. What's up?

"Get the fuck off me..."
[GRUNTS]

[PANTING]

[SCREAMS]

"Is that hot pink?"

[LAUGHING]

Hey, y'all be cool.
I'm JB Smoove.

[APPLAUSE]

Give another round
of applause.

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHS] Oh, we gotta move on.

Oh, I had the pleasure
of doing a pilot with her, a long time ago.

And I love her 'cause
she's good people.

Give it up for my girl
from Chicago, Myra J.

[APPLAUSE]

Hello.

Nah, it's too many
black people in here. I said hello.

ALL: Hello!All right.

Got a lot of good-lookin'
brothers in here.

Ladies, give the
brothers a hand.

[APPLAUSE]

Black man gotta
have they propers.

'Cause I love me
some brothers.

Like the way you walk.

Brothers got that little
dip in they walk.

I figure it's that
extra weight keep y'all off balance.

You know what I'm sayin'?
Oh, yes.

Brothers like to
communicate with they stuff. You ever notice that, lady?

Black men talk
with they stuff.

Brothers be standin'
in the parking lot, talkin' about,

"Hey, man, you wanna
go play some ball?"

Other one say, "No, man.
I'm just gonna hang out right here."

[LAUGHING]

See, I got a few years on me.

I know what I'm talkin'
about when I'm talkin about the stuff.

Got these young kids
out here now singin'.

I know they don't know
what they talkin' about.

Tevin Campbell.

Young Buck...

Singing, "Tell me what
you want me to do."

[LAUGHING]

I said, "Hell, you
ain't but 15 years old.

"I want you to introduce
me to your daddy."

[LAUGHING]

I mean, I may be a comedian,

but you make me
laugh in bed, you done pissed me off.

Some things just ain't funny.

Rough being a woman
out here today.

Can't even go out and get
your little douche products no more like you used to.

You know how we used to do?

We just go get the little
hot water bottle, you know,

and a little vinegar
and it was over.

Go in the store now,
got more flavors than Kool-Aid, okay?

All up and down the counter.

Vinegar and oil, strawberry,
herbal, country fresh,

Doug E. Fresh, pina colada,
collard greens.

[LAUGHING]

We be standin' there
all confused about,

"I don't know what
I want to smell like.

"Baby, you hungry?
What you wanna eat, okay?"

[APPLAUSE]

Whoo! Hello.

Hello!

They done went nuts.

They done went nuts.

People going around
changing they bodies.

Glad we ain't doin' this
as a people.

We are beautiful people.

Don't be changin'
what God gave you.

[APPLAUSE]

They out here
gettin' implants.

First of all,
we can't get them, they cost too much.

I know, I checked around.

But they do, girl,
they cost too much.

If I was good-looking,
I'd have to put my titties in layaway.

I'd be up talking about,

"Girl, I'm gonna get
the other one when my income tax check comes."

[SCOFFS][LAUGHING]

It don't make no sense.

We all wanna look good,
wanna look beautiful,

we be going on all kinds
of diets and stuff.

Went out and got
that little spandex dress, still can't get in.

I can't, girl. I just wrap
it around my face and use it as a headband.

But I did find somethin'
that work, ladies. I found something that work.

The Thighmaster.

Y'all know what I'm talking
about when I say Thighmaster.

That little v-shaped thing
with the little ball on the end.

You supposed to stick
between your legs, work it like this here.

Well, you supposed to point
the V down towards the floor.

Girl, I didn't read
the instructions.

[APPLAUSE]

Whoo, honey.

Baby.

I got to working that sucker,

I done lost
six inches in two weeks, that's all I can tell you.

It works, it works.

'Cause you got to keep
Sister Meow happy.

You know what
I'm talking about when I say, "Sister Meow?"

Oh, yeah. I call it that
because it does purr.

Oh, yes it does.
If we could get real quiet in here, fellas.

Y'all hear the whole
room going [PURRING].

[LAUGHING]

Oh, yeah.

You got to keep it happy.

So ladies, I wanna give
you some advice.

Don't ever go out
with no old man.

You know when I say old,

older than his parents.

'Cause... I'm serious.

'Cause old men got gray...

Public hairs.

I'm not lying to you.

Girl, it's a disgusting sight.

They long and silver,

it look like Christmas tinsel
hanging down there.

[LAUGHING]

I just wanna stick
some gifts underneath

and start singing,
"Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow."

[APPLAUSE]

Ain't nothin' more
frustrating than just bad sex.

Oh, that'll piss a women off.

You ever just be
up in the club...

Just them great big old
fat men come up to you?

Just them big
Shamu-looking suckers?

You done been with them,
you know they be up in the club talking about...

[PANTNG] "Hold up.

"Oh, baby.

"Say, Mama.

"Ah, this here your
playground, Mama.

"Ah, this here ain't
nothin' but a playground."

Ain't a woman in here
tonight that need that much recess, okay.

I'm sorry.

Making love to a
big, fat black man

is just like a Hershey's
with almonds.

I don't want to go through
all that chocolate just to get a nut.

Whoo, hello, I'm through.

[APPLAUSE]

Myra J.

Oh, miles of funny.

All of them. No, no.

Myra J. Give her another
round of applause.

[APPLAUSE]

Now it's time to say goodbye
to all our company.

Let me bring bald-head man up.

My partner, Russell Simmons.
Give a round of applause.

[APPLAUSE]

What's up, man?

What you wanna say
to people, Russell?

Thank y'all for comin' out.
God bless you all,

and we'll be black next week.

[APPLAUSE]

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