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00:00:10,445 --> 00:00:13,445
KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
2
00:00:13,491 --> 00:00:15,491
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
3
00:00:35,078 --> 00:00:40,298
And now your host,
Martin Lawrence!
4
00:00:40,344 --> 00:00:42,304
[APPLAUSE]
5
00:00:50,659 --> 00:00:52,699
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
6
00:00:58,667 --> 00:00:59,967
[MOUTHING]
7
00:01:00,799 --> 00:01:03,759
We're back!
8
00:01:03,802 --> 00:01:06,372
Yo, give my man
a round of applause, Kid Capri!
9
00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:08,464
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
10
00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:13,249
What's up, man?'Sup, G?
11
00:01:13,290 --> 00:01:14,470
MARTIN: How you doin'?
12
00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:16,339
[CHUCKLES]Give me somethin', man.
13
00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:18,120
'Cause see, you know what?
People don't really know how bad you are,
14
00:01:18,165 --> 00:01:19,985
so hook somethin' up for me.
15
00:01:20,036 --> 00:01:21,986
You know, Imma dance.
Can I get a little lady to dance with me?
16
00:01:22,038 --> 00:01:24,648
Can I get somebody
to dance?[WOMEN CHEER]
17
00:01:24,693 --> 00:01:27,483
Oh, oh, hold up.
We'll talk after this.
18
00:01:27,522 --> 00:01:31,612
KID CAPRI: All right.Uh, go ahead.
Give me something.
19
00:01:31,656 --> 00:01:33,656
[MUSIC PLAYING]
20
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:54,684
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
21
00:01:54,723 --> 00:01:57,903
[CHUCKLES] You the man...
'Aight, give him a round!
22
00:01:57,943 --> 00:01:59,683
Dude, the baddest...[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
23
00:01:59,728 --> 00:02:01,208
I'm sorry.
24
00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:04,039
I...
25
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:06,170
I felt white there
for a minute.
26
00:02:06,213 --> 00:02:09,693
Now, you wanted to come
up here and dance with me,
27
00:02:09,738 --> 00:02:13,128
but come here, come here.
You come here. Yes. Yes!
28
00:02:15,091 --> 00:02:19,841
Bring that motherfuckin'...
Come here. Come here!
29
00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,972
I'm sayin', come here!
30
00:02:26,015 --> 00:02:28,755
You my sister,
I love you. Come here!
31
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:32,590
I'm sayin' though.
You... I'm sayin'.
32
00:02:32,630 --> 00:02:36,110
I'm sayin'. This is my friend
and now you're on television.
33
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,506
Now, what the fuck up?
I know Big Bird outta business,
34
00:02:38,549 --> 00:02:40,599
but what the fuck is that?[LAUGHTER]
35
00:02:52,607 --> 00:02:54,997
You know you on TV now
with this motherfucker?Uh-huh, yes I do.
36
00:02:55,044 --> 00:02:58,094
Everybody gonna go,
"Look, there go Big Bird, y'all, look at her!"
37
00:02:58,134 --> 00:03:00,404
"Here she go!"
38
00:03:00,441 --> 00:03:02,491
So, your son,
you got a little son?Yes.
39
00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:04,880
So, okay.
So, what's your name?
40
00:03:04,923 --> 00:03:06,493
Denise.Okay.
41
00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:08,454
To Denise's son,
42
00:03:08,492 --> 00:03:12,022
tell Mama don't wear
this shit outside no more! I love you.
43
00:03:12,061 --> 00:03:13,931
Thanks.Okay, baby.
44
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,810
[CHUCKLES] Right?
45
00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:27,119
Y'all are going to stop
wearing that shit to shows like this.
46
00:03:30,253 --> 00:03:32,303
Thank y'all for coming out.
We're here again.
47
00:03:32,342 --> 00:03:35,262
Hi, Mr. White Man.
How you doing?
48
00:03:35,302 --> 00:03:38,312
Every chance I get,
I kind of want to acknowledge a white person.
49
00:03:38,348 --> 00:03:40,388
Especially after the riots.
I just kind of want to...
50
00:03:42,309 --> 00:03:46,179
I just kind of wanna say
I have nothing against you.
51
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,966
And the people
that have courage to come to this show.
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00:03:49,011 --> 00:03:51,881
We are going to rise
as a motherfuckin' people, aren't we?
53
00:03:51,927 --> 00:03:53,967
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
54
00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:58,333
We will rise!
55
00:03:58,368 --> 00:03:59,798
'Cause you know
what's wild?
56
00:03:59,848 --> 00:04:01,418
They try to make it
seem like black people
57
00:04:01,458 --> 00:04:03,808
doing all that stealing,
lootin' and shit.
58
00:04:03,852 --> 00:04:07,512
I ain't gonna lie,
I got me some shit.
59
00:04:07,551 --> 00:04:10,291
No! No, but it wasn't
black people that was doing all that shit,
60
00:04:10,337 --> 00:04:13,687
it was the Mexicans.
They just didn't show that.
61
00:04:13,731 --> 00:04:17,211
And the Mexicans
didn't even know what the cause was about.
62
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:20,217
They just saw an opportunity
to get some free shit.
63
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:24,000
Serious, a Mexican came up
to me, "Yo, my friend.
64
00:04:24,046 --> 00:04:26,266
"This is fucked up!
65
00:04:27,702 --> 00:04:31,102
"This should never
fuckin' happen!
66
00:04:31,140 --> 00:04:34,320
"The way they beat
Rodney Dangerfield was fucked up!
67
00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:41,464
"This is fucked up!"
68
00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:46,018
We gonna stop
this shit, man.
69
00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:48,198
'Cause white people
I knew for years, man.
70
00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:50,034
My agent, man, panicked.
71
00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:51,862
You know,
we gonna get justice...
72
00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:55,690
My white agent
come up to me... "Martin, listen, okay.
73
00:04:55,730 --> 00:04:59,690
"I didn't know Rodney...
I didn't know him."
74
00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:02,614
"Come on,
I love black people, come on!"
75
00:05:02,650 --> 00:05:04,520
But that was... I was in LA
when that shit happened.
76
00:05:04,565 --> 00:05:06,125
That shit was nice though.
77
00:05:06,175 --> 00:05:08,695
'Cause white people were
very nice that night.
78
00:05:08,743 --> 00:05:11,273
You're like,
"No, no. Can I get over?" "Sure, go ahead!"
79
00:05:12,399 --> 00:05:13,529
"All right."
80
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:19,060
"Love ya!"
"Fuckin' love ya."
81
00:05:21,103 --> 00:05:23,413
So, I'm just glad
to be here again.
82
00:05:23,453 --> 00:05:26,113
I want to welcome you guys
that came out and...
83
00:05:26,151 --> 00:05:28,281
Sorry, one's up there.
You're late and...
84
00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:31,374
But thank you
for coming anyway.
85
00:05:31,418 --> 00:05:34,118
So we got a great show.
So y'all just put your shit,
86
00:05:34,159 --> 00:05:36,379
fasten your seat belts
'cause, uh...
87
00:05:36,423 --> 00:05:38,903
We gonna keep doin' this.
So movin' on with the show.
88
00:05:38,947 --> 00:05:41,117
This brother
comin' to the stage is from Atlanta.
89
00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:43,556
Young brother, very funny.
I know you goin' to enjoy him.
90
00:05:43,604 --> 00:05:45,914
He lives in California now,
so he's doin' his thing out there.
91
00:05:45,954 --> 00:05:47,744
Give it up for
Chris Tucker!
92
00:05:47,782 --> 00:05:49,782
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
93
00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:56,402
'Sup?
94
00:05:58,445 --> 00:06:00,965
Pissed off, man.
95
00:06:01,012 --> 00:06:04,762
Just got me a new place, man.
Hate my neighbors, man.
96
00:06:04,799 --> 00:06:08,319
I got neighbors that
borrow shit all the time.
97
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:11,498
You ever had a neighbor
that borrowed your shit...
98
00:06:13,503 --> 00:06:17,333
And keep it so long,
you have to borrow it back?
99
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,117
[LAUGHTER]
100
00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:20,901
Like, "Dude, you got a broom
I could borrow, man?"
101
00:06:20,945 --> 00:06:22,945
"No, is you got
my goddamn broom!"
102
00:06:24,166 --> 00:06:26,166
That ain't all, man.
103
00:06:26,211 --> 00:06:29,651
I got rats and roaches
like Crips and Bloods in my house, man.
104
00:06:29,693 --> 00:06:32,483
He crawl my shoes
all the time.
105
00:06:32,522 --> 00:06:35,132
I come home from work,
I have to break up fights.
106
00:06:35,177 --> 00:06:39,827
"Hey, y'all, let it go,
let it go! It ain't worth it! Stop that shit, man!"
107
00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:42,447
Man, they be
answering my door.
108
00:06:42,489 --> 00:06:45,969
Talkin' on my phone,
won't click over.
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00:06:46,014 --> 00:06:48,064
People done told me
they called. I ain't heard shit from 'em.
110
00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:50,413
"That motherfucker
don't live here! Chris who?"
111
00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:56,195
My roaches smart too, man.
They play dead.
112
00:06:57,852 --> 00:06:59,812
The other day I stepped
on one of 'em,
113
00:06:59,854 --> 00:07:01,814
went in the bathroom
to get some tissue,
114
00:07:01,856 --> 00:07:03,466
came back,
that nigga was gone!
115
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:05,160
[LAUGHTER]
116
00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:07,297
I seen him two weeks later
with some stitches.
117
00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:11,470
Nigga told me he was
too legit to quit.
118
00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:13,518
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND CHEERING]
119
00:07:18,089 --> 00:07:20,789
Man, it's fucked up when
you go in your cereal to get your prize,
120
00:07:20,831 --> 00:07:23,271
them motherfucker's
done already been in there and got it.
121
00:07:26,228 --> 00:07:29,188
Trip, man.
Whatever happened to pimps, man?
122
00:07:29,231 --> 00:07:31,491
What if Michael Jackson
was a pimp?
123
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:34,148
Shit would be... Him and Tito
be riding around in a Cadillac and shit.
124
00:07:37,282 --> 00:07:38,552
"Slow down, Tito.
125
00:07:40,242 --> 00:07:41,902
"Slow down, Tito, damn!
126
00:07:43,941 --> 00:07:46,251
"Is that my hoe over there,
sittin' on the curb?
127
00:07:47,249 --> 00:07:48,249
"Let me out.
128
00:07:49,860 --> 00:07:51,120
"Come here, girl!
129
00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:56,350
"I said, come here, girl!
130
00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:59,218
"Where my money?
How much you got?"
131
00:07:59,261 --> 00:08:02,091
"Mike, I'm sorry.
All I got is a $100 bill."
132
00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:05,223
"Girl, you've been out here
all day and all you got is a $100 bill?"
133
00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:06,357
[SCREAMS]
134
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,618
"Who's been...
135
00:08:10,664 --> 00:08:12,544
"I get out there and..."
[EXCLAIMS]
136
00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:22,463
It's fucked up, man!
137
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,722
Ain't nobody hirin' us,
I'm serious.
138
00:08:24,765 --> 00:08:26,975
I know what it is, man.
139
00:08:27,028 --> 00:08:29,728
White people don't trust
black people.
140
00:08:29,770 --> 00:08:32,380
That's why they won't vote
for no black president.
141
00:08:32,424 --> 00:08:35,474
Like a black brother
will fuck up the White House.
142
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,725
Like the grass
won't be cut.
143
00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:40,348
Dishes piled up,
cousins runnin' through the White House.
144
00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:43,169
Cookouts! Basketball goin'
in the back.
145
00:08:43,218 --> 00:08:46,218
Broken-down cars, all kinds
of shit in their driveway.
146
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:49,494
Brother won't clean out
the tub when he get out of it.
147
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:52,269
The president get pissed off,
somebody done drunk up all the Kool-Aid.
148
00:08:54,098 --> 00:08:55,748
Ain't a black president,
man, he's too proud.
149
00:08:55,796 --> 00:08:57,616
He ain't going to
have no body guard.
150
00:08:57,667 --> 00:08:59,497
A black president,
he gonna have a gun.
151
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,629
Somebody try to fuck him over,
he fuck them... "Hey, nigga!"
152
00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:03,281
[IMITATES GUNSHOTS]
153
00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:05,625
Like, "Damn! The president
just fucked somebody up!
154
00:09:05,675 --> 00:09:07,065
"Did you see
that shit, man?"
155
00:09:08,504 --> 00:09:10,594
My mom's threw me
outta the house, man.
156
00:09:10,637 --> 00:09:14,337
Do you ever notice when
you're in high school, you your mama's baby?
157
00:09:14,379 --> 00:09:17,729
But when you graduate,
you that nigga walkin' around the house.
158
00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:21,646
My daddy want me
to leave all along, man.
159
00:09:21,691 --> 00:09:23,131
Leavin' me
little hints and shit.
160
00:09:23,171 --> 00:09:25,781
Like leaving army brochures
and shit on my pillow.
161
00:09:25,826 --> 00:09:29,476
My mama do little shit like...
She'll buy peanut butter, wouldn't buy the jelly.
162
00:09:29,525 --> 00:09:31,175
Buy Kool-Aid,
wouldn't buy sugar.
163
00:09:31,222 --> 00:09:32,922
I'm like, "Mom, what the fuck
is wrong with you?
164
00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:36,531
"You know you can't make
Kool-Aid without sugar."
165
00:09:39,535 --> 00:09:42,405
Fuck them!
You can't fuck no more in your mom's house neither.
166
00:09:42,451 --> 00:09:45,411
It's a trip, man.
'Cause one time, man. I was handlin' business, right?
167
00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:47,674
But I had to listen out
for my mom.
168
00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:51,767
So I told the girl,
I say, "You gonna have to shut the fuck up
169
00:09:51,808 --> 00:09:54,328
"'cause I gotta
listen out for my mom."
170
00:09:54,376 --> 00:09:56,416
I thought I heard
somethin', "Shh."
171
00:09:57,335 --> 00:09:58,685
[CROWD EXCLAIMING]
172
00:10:04,386 --> 00:10:07,296
Mama don't come home
till 6:00.
173
00:10:07,345 --> 00:10:08,955
"That ain't her,
keep on doin' what your doin'."
174
00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:11,089
One time my mom's
caught me, man!
175
00:10:11,132 --> 00:10:13,832
It was fucked up. I was
handlin' business, right?
176
00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:18,662
I mean, I was on the floor,
and the bed was shaking.
177
00:10:21,229 --> 00:10:24,889
My mom said,
"Chris, what you doin'?"
178
00:10:25,886 --> 00:10:27,146
I said, "Nothin', Mama."
179
00:10:28,584 --> 00:10:30,334
She said, "Come here, boy!"
180
00:10:30,368 --> 00:10:31,588
I said, "Mama, I'm comin'."
181
00:10:32,936 --> 00:10:34,716
Said, "Come here, boy!"
182
00:10:34,764 --> 00:10:37,254
I said, "Mama, I'm comin'!"
183
00:10:37,288 --> 00:10:40,638
"So, hurry up!"
I said "I'm trying, if you shut the fuck up!"
184
00:10:40,683 --> 00:10:42,123
Thank y'all,
I'm Chris Tucker!
185
00:10:42,163 --> 00:10:44,173
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
186
00:10:53,522 --> 00:10:56,792
[CHUCKLES]
Yo, give another round of applause.
187
00:10:56,830 --> 00:10:58,530
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
188
00:10:58,570 --> 00:10:59,700
Hey.
189
00:11:02,270 --> 00:11:05,060
The boy is what?
What is he, 20 years old?
190
00:11:05,099 --> 00:11:08,709
Bad, young brother.
Give... Oh, God damn.
191
00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:10,055
Come here, boy.
192
00:11:11,758 --> 00:11:13,798
[LAUGHING]
193
00:11:15,196 --> 00:11:18,806
All right. Coming to
the stage is my man.
194
00:11:18,852 --> 00:11:21,072
We used to work out
a lot in DC.
195
00:11:21,115 --> 00:11:23,985
Yo, give it up,
Kevin Anthony. Give it up.
196
00:11:24,031 --> 00:11:26,031
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
197
00:11:30,646 --> 00:11:32,296
Y'all in a good mood!
198
00:11:32,343 --> 00:11:33,783
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
199
00:11:33,823 --> 00:11:35,783
Yeah, I'm excited.
200
00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:39,735
My woman just left me
and she ain't gettin' paid shit either.
201
00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:41,606
Some of you brothers
probably can relate to this.
202
00:11:41,657 --> 00:11:44,307
It's difficult
livin' with some women
203
00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:47,095
'cause they start talkin' shit
about old boyfriend.
204
00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:50,361
"My last boyfriend,
when he lived here, he paid the rent,
205
00:11:50,405 --> 00:11:52,535
"the telephone bill,
the car note,
206
00:11:52,581 --> 00:11:55,541
"bought some food
and gave me some money to go out shoppin'."
207
00:11:55,584 --> 00:11:58,114
I said, "Shit, we need to
get his ass back here!
208
00:11:58,152 --> 00:11:59,632
[LAUGHTER]
209
00:12:01,503 --> 00:12:05,733
"What's his number,
buy me some shit."
210
00:12:05,768 --> 00:12:08,288
But the ladies of the '90s,
you're doin' well for yourselves.
211
00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:10,206
Give yourselves a round
of applause, ladies!
212
00:12:10,251 --> 00:12:12,251
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
213
00:12:14,472 --> 00:12:17,952
Yeah, you're intelligent,
you're into aerobics, you liftin' weights.
214
00:12:17,998 --> 00:12:21,438
Women into fashion,
they've even invented names for their underwear.
215
00:12:21,479 --> 00:12:23,219
Skinny women
call them panties,
216
00:12:23,264 --> 00:12:25,834
heavier women
call them bloomers.
217
00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:30,045
And big fat women, I guess
they wrap a sheet around their ass and call it a day.
218
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,800
But women are very creative
with their love makin'.
219
00:12:34,841 --> 00:12:38,541
This one chick said,
"Baby, have you ever had anybody hum on your balls?"
220
00:12:40,498 --> 00:12:43,198
"No, but go for it."
221
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:46,680
She went... [HUMMING]
"How you like that?"
222
00:12:46,722 --> 00:12:48,812
I said, "You better hum
another tune."
223
00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:51,550
So she went for
the beat box.
224
00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:53,336
[BEATBOXING]
225
00:12:53,381 --> 00:12:57,121
I said, "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Express yourself!"
226
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,999
And I'm creative
with my love makin'.
227
00:13:02,042 --> 00:13:03,912
I like to do it
doggy style.
228
00:13:03,957 --> 00:13:05,647
And I don't care
who you are,
229
00:13:05,697 --> 00:13:07,957
if you're in front
of a mirror, you gonna look.
230
00:13:08,004 --> 00:13:10,144
'Cause I was gettin'
busy one night, knockin' boots,
231
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:13,360
I'm talkin' rockin'
that funky joint.
232
00:13:13,401 --> 00:13:15,401
I look in the mirror
and go...
233
00:13:15,446 --> 00:13:17,446
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
234
00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:22,977
And women just as vain
as we are.
235
00:13:23,019 --> 00:13:25,759
She was like this,
"Back up a little bit, let me see!"
236
00:13:27,328 --> 00:13:29,028
"Okay baby, no problem."
237
00:13:35,771 --> 00:13:38,731
Women name their body parts
like men name theirs, right?
238
00:13:38,774 --> 00:13:41,564
I call mine's
"The Beef Injector."
239
00:13:41,603 --> 00:13:45,833
My mother called
my father's "The Old Raisin."
240
00:13:45,868 --> 00:13:49,518
Women name theirs too, right?
What you call yours, baby?
241
00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:51,217
You can't call it,
is it dead?
242
00:13:51,265 --> 00:13:54,565
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
243
00:13:54,616 --> 00:13:57,046
I asked one chick that,
I said, "What you call yours, baby?"
244
00:13:57,097 --> 00:13:58,707
She said, "Terminator!"
245
00:13:58,750 --> 00:14:00,670
I said,
"That's some pussy you can keep."
246
00:14:02,798 --> 00:14:04,018
"I'll be back."
247
00:14:08,412 --> 00:14:11,072
But women's biggest problem
with us is the orgasm.
248
00:14:11,111 --> 00:14:13,111
'Cause they'll tell you,
"You come too quick."
249
00:14:13,156 --> 00:14:14,546
Shit, you come too late.
250
00:14:14,592 --> 00:14:16,512
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
251
00:14:16,551 --> 00:14:18,771
I've been here two weeks.
I have a job.
252
00:14:20,947 --> 00:14:22,817
And then when they
get their orgasm,
253
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,342
they act like they've
been electrocuted or some shit.
254
00:14:25,386 --> 00:14:27,816
They do! You hit 'em
with the wild thing, they like...
255
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,867
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
256
00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:39,746
[MOANS]
257
00:14:41,750 --> 00:14:44,490
And then we get sensitive.
"Did you come?"
258
00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:48,413
She said, "A little bit."
259
00:14:48,452 --> 00:14:50,372
You guys been great!
Love you, New York. Peace!
260
00:14:50,411 --> 00:14:52,411
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
261
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:07,300
That's for me?
Oh, thank you. Bring it to me.
262
00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:08,731
Come here, girl.
263
00:15:10,170 --> 00:15:14,910
Gonna give me flowers.
Thank you, baby.
264
00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:17,477
Thank you. So we fuckin'
later on then, right?
265
00:15:19,614 --> 00:15:21,364
Thank you, babe.
Thank you.
266
00:15:21,398 --> 00:15:24,838
No one's ever
gave me anything. Thank you!
267
00:15:26,273 --> 00:15:27,673
From Elizabeth,
New Jersey,
268
00:15:27,709 --> 00:15:31,149
this is my man
Alonzo 'Hamburger' Jones!
269
00:15:31,191 --> 00:15:33,191
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
270
00:15:41,853 --> 00:15:43,903
[AUDIENCE SHOUTING]
271
00:15:48,251 --> 00:15:50,511
Hamburger. How you folks
feel like tonight?
272
00:15:56,085 --> 00:15:58,085
Look at this big
joker here.
273
00:15:58,131 --> 00:16:00,661
You see him done with
stand in front of a YMCA, talkin' about,
274
00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:02,658
"Ooh, look, they done
spelled Macy's wrong."
275
00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:04,700
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
276
00:16:09,838 --> 00:16:13,408
Hamburger, I ain't
gonna have it. Who else wanna play?
277
00:16:15,931 --> 00:16:17,151
Happy Halloween, baby.
278
00:16:17,193 --> 00:16:19,073
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
279
00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:28,196
Hamburger.
280
00:16:28,248 --> 00:16:30,858
Check out my man here,
Rico Suave.
281
00:16:32,774 --> 00:16:34,564
Y'all lookin' good
out here now.
282
00:16:34,602 --> 00:16:39,562
Hamburger, y'all on.
Look at that big round away girl.
283
00:16:39,607 --> 00:16:42,777
Like it's been sittin' on
a bus stop, suckin' on pork chops, hamburger.
284
00:16:51,097 --> 00:16:53,097
Hamburger, you know
I'm tellin' the truth.
285
00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:58,973
Any Jehovah's Witnesses here?
286
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,278
Of course not.
They home sleepin'
287
00:17:00,323 --> 00:17:01,673
so they wake us up
tomorrow morning.
288
00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:07,160
Hamburger, don't
get me wrong,
289
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,590
I love religion,
I love religion.
290
00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:10,856
I go to church whenever
I can afford it.
291
00:17:13,206 --> 00:17:16,296
I went to church last Sunday,
had five collections.
292
00:17:16,339 --> 00:17:18,559
You hear me, hamburger,
five collections.
293
00:17:18,602 --> 00:17:20,212
And that was just
in the damn parking lot.
294
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,650
Get inside the church,
they got a Mac machine in the lobby.
295
00:17:28,308 --> 00:17:30,608
Take another two steps,
usher sittin' there with a metal detector
296
00:17:30,658 --> 00:17:32,488
runnin' up and down people.
297
00:17:32,529 --> 00:17:34,139
I said, "What's the matter?
You have a weapons problem in church?"
298
00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:36,103
They said, "No, pastor
just don't want nobody
299
00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:37,532
"bringin' change
into the church."
300
00:17:39,145 --> 00:17:42,095
I said, "Hamburger,
ain't this somethin'?"
301
00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:43,708
And for all this money
you spend,
302
00:17:43,758 --> 00:17:45,628
you think they got the
world's greatest service.
303
00:17:45,673 --> 00:17:47,243
They got some old
90-year-old lady who can't read a lick.
304
00:17:47,283 --> 00:17:48,503
Sittin' up there trying
to read the announcements.
305
00:17:48,545 --> 00:17:50,235
Sister Truit gonna
come up there.
306
00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:54,156
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
"First, Eve was in the garden."
307
00:17:54,203 --> 00:17:56,813
"Then Bishop Jones, pastor,
members and friends."
308
00:17:56,858 --> 00:17:58,858
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
309
00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:04,744
"We, the members of
the Baptist church
310
00:18:04,779 --> 00:18:07,609
"would like to thank you
for worshipin' with us this Sunday morning."
311
00:18:07,651 --> 00:18:09,391
"And now for the annulments.
312
00:18:09,436 --> 00:18:12,526
"Oh, I'm sorry,
that's announcements.
313
00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:17,919
"The junior choir
will be out selling dinners. $600 each.
314
00:18:17,966 --> 00:18:20,526
"Oh, Lord, I'm sorry.
That's gonna be $6 each."
315
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,021
"And we like to thank
back to the church,
316
00:18:24,059 --> 00:18:26,579
"brother and sister Wilson,
stand up please, brother and sister Wilson.
317
00:18:26,627 --> 00:18:30,067
"Their newborn baby,
looks just like Pastor Johnson, don't he?"
318
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,109
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
319
00:18:33,503 --> 00:18:35,113
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Hamburger.
320
00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:38,383
I remember one night,
I took pork chop out
321
00:18:38,421 --> 00:18:41,121
to see a Janet Jackson
concert. Nice concert.
322
00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:42,903
Had words coming
across the screen.
323
00:18:42,947 --> 00:18:45,077
First word
came across, "bigotry."
324
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,604
Everybody in the place
jumped up and said, "No!"
325
00:18:47,648 --> 00:18:50,518
Next word came across.
Man next to me says, "Hey, what's that word?"
326
00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:51,914
I said, "Illiteracy."
327
00:18:51,956 --> 00:18:53,956
[LAUGHTER]
328
00:18:55,395 --> 00:18:56,915
"Oh, no."
329
00:18:59,703 --> 00:19:02,183
And I wanna
tell y'all one thing before I leave here.
330
00:19:02,228 --> 00:19:04,878
Every time black folk
come out with somethin', white folk gotta copy it.
331
00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:12,982
Hamburger.
332
00:19:13,021 --> 00:19:14,201
We came out
with the Jacksons,
333
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,550
they came out
with the Osmonds.
334
00:19:17,982 --> 00:19:19,332
We came out with
New Edition,
335
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:20,855
they came out with
New Kids On The Block.
336
00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:25,210
We came out with rap music,
they came out with MC Hammer!
337
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:27,251
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
338
00:19:35,739 --> 00:19:37,309
Hamburger!
339
00:19:39,961 --> 00:19:41,571
And no matter where I go,
folks always say,
340
00:19:41,615 --> 00:19:43,655
"Why you say, 'hamburger?'
Why you say, 'hamburger?'"
341
00:19:43,704 --> 00:19:45,404
I say, "Hamburger"
'cause I try not to curse.
342
00:19:45,445 --> 00:19:47,095
Lemme hear everybody here
say, "Hamburger."
343
00:19:47,142 --> 00:19:48,882
AUDIENCE: Hamburger.
344
00:19:48,926 --> 00:19:51,226
No, no.
You say it with feeling. Say, "Hamburger!"
345
00:19:51,277 --> 00:19:53,057
AUDIENCE: Hamburger!
346
00:19:53,104 --> 00:19:54,934
Fellas, the next time
you're in bed with your woman
347
00:19:54,976 --> 00:19:56,926
and you get up
that good when she start lookin' at you.
348
00:19:56,978 --> 00:19:59,368
I want you to look her
dead in the eye and say, "Hamburger."
349
00:19:59,415 --> 00:20:00,935
[LAUGHTER]
350
00:20:00,982 --> 00:20:02,772
And ladies, don't you feel
left out 'cause, hamburger,
351
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:04,680
I got somethin'
I want you to say, too.
352
00:20:04,725 --> 00:20:07,075
When he stop
callin' out your name and moanin' and groanin'
353
00:20:07,118 --> 00:20:08,418
and askin',
"Whose is it baby?
354
00:20:08,468 --> 00:20:10,248
"Whose is it?
Who's the best?"
355
00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:13,076
You look 'em dead
in the eye and say, "Hamburger!"
356
00:20:13,124 --> 00:20:14,604
Hamburger!
You folks been good, good night!
357
00:20:14,648 --> 00:20:16,648
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
358
00:20:22,699 --> 00:20:24,049
Hamburger.
359
00:20:26,399 --> 00:20:28,879
That's my man Alonzo.
Give him a round of applause.
360
00:20:28,923 --> 00:20:30,233
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
361
00:20:30,272 --> 00:20:31,582
[INDISTINCT]
362
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,930
[COUGHS]
Girls, fuck that.
363
00:20:36,974 --> 00:20:38,984
Don't you be sayin'
"hamburger" when you with your man.
364
00:20:40,326 --> 00:20:41,626
Say, "Martin Lawrence."
365
00:20:41,675 --> 00:20:43,625
[LAUGHTER]
366
00:20:43,677 --> 00:20:46,157
My, think. [CHUCKLES]
367
00:20:46,201 --> 00:20:48,681
All right. Well, coming
to the stage is my man,
368
00:20:48,725 --> 00:20:51,155
he's been on this show
before, on the Def Jam.
369
00:20:51,206 --> 00:20:53,816
So yo. He's from
Chicago, Illinois
370
00:20:53,861 --> 00:20:55,601
and uh, stand like
motherfuckin' coffee,
371
00:20:55,645 --> 00:20:57,165
stand like motherfuckin'
coffee.
372
00:20:57,212 --> 00:20:59,172
Give it up for
my man Bernie Mac!
373
00:20:59,214 --> 00:21:01,224
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
374
00:21:12,619 --> 00:21:15,319
I ain't scared
of you motherfuckers.
375
00:21:15,361 --> 00:21:18,671
Imma tell you somethin'
straight off the motherfuckin' press.
376
00:21:18,712 --> 00:21:20,712
I ain't comin' from
no foolishness.
377
00:21:20,757 --> 00:21:23,497
And New York, God damn it.
Y'all motherfuckin' women look good.
378
00:21:23,543 --> 00:21:25,893
Y'all like a big...
Look good.
379
00:21:25,936 --> 00:21:28,546
'Cause I love sex.
I love it.
380
00:21:28,591 --> 00:21:31,291
Can't do shit no more.
And I'm blessed.
381
00:21:32,029 --> 00:21:34,029
[LAUGHTER]
382
00:21:37,339 --> 00:21:41,469
I'm big boneded.
I'm heavy structured. I'm hung low.
383
00:21:41,517 --> 00:21:44,217
If I pulled my shit out,
this whole room get dark.
384
00:21:44,259 --> 00:21:45,429
Kick it!
385
00:21:45,478 --> 00:21:47,778
[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]
386
00:21:49,917 --> 00:21:51,787
You don't understand.
387
00:21:51,832 --> 00:21:53,792
I ain't scared
of you motherfuckers!
388
00:21:53,834 --> 00:21:55,844
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
389
00:22:01,755 --> 00:22:04,845
I love... I love sex, man.
I love it by the pound.
390
00:22:04,888 --> 00:22:06,628
I be glad when they
put that shit in cans.
391
00:22:06,673 --> 00:22:08,763
[LAUGHTER]
392
00:22:08,805 --> 00:22:10,975
Can you imagine sex
in cans? Motherfuckers be shopliftin' and shit.
393
00:22:11,025 --> 00:22:13,025
[LAUGHTER]
394
00:22:15,029 --> 00:22:16,899
Fools be playin' ball, man.
395
00:22:16,944 --> 00:22:18,824
They know what
you gettin' ready to do, man. "I'm tired.
396
00:22:18,859 --> 00:22:19,559
"I'm gonna get me
a six pack of pussy and I'm goin' in."
397
00:22:19,599 --> 00:22:20,639
Kick it!
398
00:22:20,687 --> 00:22:22,727
[MUSIC PLAYING]
399
00:22:24,430 --> 00:22:25,650
You don't understand.
400
00:22:25,692 --> 00:22:27,562
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
401
00:22:35,136 --> 00:22:36,916
I ain't scared
of you motherfuckers!
402
00:22:39,270 --> 00:22:41,270
Women just doin' their thing
till they talk to you
403
00:22:41,316 --> 00:22:43,226
any kind of way you
wanna talk to somebody.
404
00:22:43,274 --> 00:22:47,244
It don't make no
motherfuckin' sense.
405
00:22:47,278 --> 00:22:50,408
I'm at a bar, mindin' my
business, coolin' out, just bein' cool.
406
00:22:50,456 --> 00:22:52,676
Like I am. Chillin'.
407
00:22:52,719 --> 00:22:54,199
Woman gonna come to me,
then she gonna ask me
408
00:22:54,242 --> 00:22:55,592
a goddamn thing
she wanna do.
409
00:22:55,635 --> 00:22:57,375
She said, "Mac." I said,
"Yeah, that's my name."
410
00:22:57,419 --> 00:22:58,769
Said, "Can I ask you
a question?" I said, "Yeah."
411
00:22:58,812 --> 00:23:01,292
She says, "Does pussy taste
like pumpkin pie?"
412
00:23:01,336 --> 00:23:03,466
[LAUGHTER]
413
00:23:03,512 --> 00:23:05,302
Made me mad as hell.
I said, "Don't ask me no damn question like that!
414
00:23:05,340 --> 00:23:06,820
"I ain't never had
no pumpkin pie."
415
00:23:07,647 --> 00:23:08,687
Kick it!
416
00:23:08,735 --> 00:23:10,735
[MUSIC PLAYING]
417
00:23:13,566 --> 00:23:14,826
You don't understand.
418
00:23:14,871 --> 00:23:16,831
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
419
00:23:24,011 --> 00:23:25,401
Tired of this shit!
420
00:23:28,711 --> 00:23:30,501
I ain't scared
of you motherfuckers!
421
00:23:33,194 --> 00:23:35,944
When you make love
to a black woman... Imma tell you how you do it.
422
00:23:35,979 --> 00:23:39,329
You got to be good.
I'm not talkin' about myself.
423
00:23:39,374 --> 00:23:41,814
'Cause you know,
fuckin' ain't nothin' but 50 pumps.
424
00:23:41,855 --> 00:23:43,465
Count it if you ain't
got nothin' to do.
425
00:23:43,509 --> 00:23:46,339
[LAUGHTER]
426
00:23:46,381 --> 00:23:48,121
It ain't nothin'
but five minutes.
427
00:23:48,165 --> 00:23:50,205
But the foreplay
make it seem longer.
428
00:23:50,254 --> 00:23:52,954
But you get a woman,
a black woman, man, Imma tell you somethin'.
429
00:23:52,996 --> 00:23:56,036
I don't care how meek
that woman is, how soft-spoken she is.
430
00:23:56,086 --> 00:23:58,216
If you give her the dick.
431
00:23:58,262 --> 00:24:01,402
[LAUGHTER]
432
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,490
Whatever wrong with you,
she gonna let you know.
433
00:24:03,529 --> 00:24:07,009
You can have a patch
on your eye, your leg could be broke.
434
00:24:07,054 --> 00:24:08,974
If you get up there,
she be like...
435
00:24:09,012 --> 00:24:14,242
"Woo, shit!
You patch eye motherfucker!"
436
00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:17,504
"You broke leg
son of a bitch!
437
00:24:17,543 --> 00:24:20,153
"You know you in
this motherfucker!" Kick it!
438
00:24:20,197 --> 00:24:22,767
[MUSIC PLAYING]
439
00:24:22,809 --> 00:24:24,509
You don't understand,
God damn it!
440
00:24:24,550 --> 00:24:26,550
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
441
00:24:37,127 --> 00:24:40,087
And you know
what's funny when you make love to a woman?
442
00:24:40,130 --> 00:24:44,700
And she on top.
And the phone ring? That's some funny shit.
443
00:24:44,744 --> 00:24:46,704
When she on
the phone ring, man.
444
00:24:46,746 --> 00:24:51,786
Every time she be
on the phone be ringin'... "Ring... Ring."
445
00:24:51,838 --> 00:24:55,888
You get cool and shit.
"Ring." "Baby, don't answer."
446
00:24:55,929 --> 00:24:58,059
"Ring."
"I gotta answer."
447
00:24:59,454 --> 00:25:02,244
"Ring." "Uh-uh, baby.
Don't answer."
448
00:25:02,283 --> 00:25:04,553
"Ring." "Uh-uh.
It might be a job."
449
00:25:04,590 --> 00:25:06,770
[LAUGHTER]
450
00:25:06,809 --> 00:25:08,379
"Ring."
451
00:25:08,419 --> 00:25:09,899
And every time, you know,
she picks up the phone
452
00:25:09,943 --> 00:25:12,163
and starts fiddle-faddlin'
with, you know...
453
00:25:12,206 --> 00:25:14,026
When she pick it up
every time she start to talk,
454
00:25:14,077 --> 00:25:15,777
give her the dick.
455
00:25:15,818 --> 00:25:17,778
[LAUGHTER]
456
00:25:17,820 --> 00:25:19,650
She'll be like,
"H-h-hello?"
457
00:25:19,692 --> 00:25:21,692
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
458
00:25:27,961 --> 00:25:29,791
[STAMMERS]
"What, what?"
459
00:25:33,357 --> 00:25:36,397
"Oh, what I'm doin'?"
460
00:25:36,447 --> 00:25:39,447
This is when you get,
"What I'm doin'?" "Ooh, man!"
461
00:25:39,494 --> 00:25:41,544
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
462
00:25:48,068 --> 00:25:50,548
But I love my
black peoples.
463
00:25:50,592 --> 00:25:52,512
Imma tell you somethin',
we gotta stop the violence.
464
00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:55,211
We gotta vote.
Stop the violence and vote.
465
00:25:55,249 --> 00:25:57,119
'Cause I did
a show in Chicago.
466
00:25:58,818 --> 00:26:00,078
I mean that!
467
00:26:01,472 --> 00:26:03,262
Stop this violence!
468
00:26:03,300 --> 00:26:06,260
I was in Chicago.
I did a show for Cook County Jail.
469
00:26:06,303 --> 00:26:10,393
And you know,
over 40 percent of the brothers in jail for nothin'.
470
00:26:10,438 --> 00:26:12,348
And they had a little survey,
little panel thing.
471
00:26:12,396 --> 00:26:15,486
We got to ask them
each a question, you know? So I asked them, I said...
472
00:26:15,530 --> 00:26:20,230
"Hey my brother,
what you in for?" He said, "Nothin.'"
473
00:26:20,274 --> 00:26:23,234
Brothers got this thing
about being a punk. What is a punk?
474
00:26:23,277 --> 00:26:25,627
I never did understand that
for the sake of my life.
475
00:26:25,671 --> 00:26:28,461
He said, "Nothin.'"
I said, "How long you in for?" He said, "Ever."
476
00:26:28,499 --> 00:26:31,199
You know, it's a long time
if you take the "for" off that motherfucker.
477
00:26:31,241 --> 00:26:33,241
[LAUGHTER]
478
00:26:39,032 --> 00:26:42,642
I said, "Man." I says,
"So what you in for?" "I... You know, I ain't no punk."
479
00:26:42,688 --> 00:26:44,818
"I didn't tell on my boy."
480
00:26:44,864 --> 00:26:47,524
I said, "What? You in jail
for another motherfucker?"
481
00:26:47,562 --> 00:26:50,222
"No, you ain't no punk.
You a new fool!"
482
00:26:50,260 --> 00:26:53,480
'Cause I'll be damned
if I serve time for any of you motherfuckers!
483
00:26:53,524 --> 00:26:55,314
I'll be in court
just like this...
484
00:26:55,352 --> 00:26:57,142
[LAUGHTER]
485
00:26:59,182 --> 00:27:01,012
Jump, like you'd...
Y'all be like, "Punk.
486
00:27:01,054 --> 00:27:02,934
"Your Honor,
he killed that motherfucker.
487
00:27:02,969 --> 00:27:04,669
"Shot him in the head
four times, kicked him in the face.
488
00:27:04,710 --> 00:27:06,540
"I tried to call you,
but the line was busy."
489
00:27:06,581 --> 00:27:07,801
I'm Bernie Mac.
I'm outta here!
490
00:27:07,843 --> 00:27:09,763
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
491
00:27:23,119 --> 00:27:25,379
Kick it!
You can't, motherfucker!
492
00:27:25,426 --> 00:27:29,866
Give Bernie... [CHUCKLES]
Give him a round of applause! God damn!
493
00:27:30,605 --> 00:27:31,945
Another one.
494
00:27:32,912 --> 00:27:35,832
Bernie Mac. Bernie Mac.
495
00:27:35,871 --> 00:27:39,011
Chicago, Illinois.
Bernie Mac.
496
00:27:39,048 --> 00:27:41,488
Yo, I want to thank
all you guys for comin' out.
497
00:27:41,529 --> 00:27:45,449
Let me holla at my partner
who made it possible, Russell Simmons.
498
00:27:45,489 --> 00:27:47,009
What do you gotta say?Thanks a lot, y'all.
499
00:27:47,056 --> 00:27:48,706
God bless you
and good night.
500
00:27:48,754 --> 00:27:50,674
[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
501
00:27:50,724 --> 00:27:55,274
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