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00:00:06,441 --> 00:00:08,441
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:10,053 --> 00:00:13,143
KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
3
00:00:36,384 --> 00:00:41,694
Put your hands together
for my main man, Mr. Martin Lawrence.
4
00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:54,581
Thank you,
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00:00:54,619 --> 00:00:56,579
and welcome to
the Def Comedy Jam
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00:00:56,621 --> 00:01:00,541
where we present
the baddest comics from all over. Wassup?
7
00:01:00,582 --> 00:01:01,802
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
8
00:01:01,844 --> 00:01:04,764
Hey, Sam Bowie.
What's up, man?
9
00:01:04,803 --> 00:01:07,893
Hey, give him
a round of applause from the New Jersey Nets.
10
00:01:11,593 --> 00:01:13,073
How tall are you?
11
00:01:14,161 --> 00:01:15,861
7'1".
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00:01:15,901 --> 00:01:18,121
Mookie from
the New Jersey Nets.
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00:01:18,165 --> 00:01:21,595
You got that look
on your face, Mookie, like, "Don't fuck with me, man."
14
00:01:21,646 --> 00:01:24,606
No, that's nice.
Y'all makin' millions of dollars, huh?
15
00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:26,219
Damn, 7'1".
16
00:01:26,260 --> 00:01:28,000
You've been playin' ball
all your life, right?
17
00:01:28,044 --> 00:01:29,574
So you don't know
nothin' else.
18
00:01:33,789 --> 00:01:36,399
No, that ain't right.
I'm sayin' you ain't never like been at McDonald's,
19
00:01:36,444 --> 00:01:39,404
"Hi, could I take
your order?" You never none of that shit.
20
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:42,537
Just ball, that's just hoop.
That's cool.
21
00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:46,670
I wouldn't want you to be
no big ass 7'2" maintenance man. I'm like...
22
00:01:46,715 --> 00:01:48,795
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
23
00:01:51,502 --> 00:01:52,762
I mean, you know.
24
00:01:52,808 --> 00:01:54,548
So I'm glad
you playin' ball, man.
25
00:01:56,725 --> 00:02:00,635
You a big boy, man.
You a big boy, my man.
26
00:02:00,685 --> 00:02:04,075
Look at the ladies.
[IN SHRILL VOICE] Hey, girlfriend!
27
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,004
How you doin'?
28
00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:09,089
Now, the boots.
29
00:02:11,174 --> 00:02:13,794
Can we get a shot of these?
30
00:02:13,829 --> 00:02:16,269
What the fuck
were you thinkin' about?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
31
00:02:20,488 --> 00:02:23,138
No, see, I gotta be real,
you know?
32
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:25,670
That shit don't match.
33
00:02:26,407 --> 00:02:28,317
AUDIENCE: Oh!
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00:02:28,365 --> 00:02:30,185
Blue jeans, my ass.
35
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,160
No, it's like...
No, you just look like,
36
00:02:35,198 --> 00:02:37,848
"Oh, this will go
with the blue jeans." No.
37
00:02:41,509 --> 00:02:44,339
I want to work
with you, but, no.
38
00:02:44,381 --> 00:02:45,601
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:02:46,862 --> 00:02:48,172
I'm sorry.
40
00:02:50,082 --> 00:02:54,262
I gotta be real.
I'm just playin', I'm just playin'.
41
00:02:55,914 --> 00:02:57,924
She embarrassed now.
42
00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:00,530
You in show business?
Then get your feet off my goddamn stage.
43
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:02,920
I'm just...
44
00:03:05,576 --> 00:03:07,316
Now I want that boot.
Every time I come on stage,
45
00:03:07,361 --> 00:03:09,541
I want that motherfucker
laid out like this
46
00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,410
to remind me
of what not to do.
47
00:03:17,545 --> 00:03:20,105
Hey!
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00:03:20,156 --> 00:03:23,586
Now you hear me
talkin' about her boots.
49
00:03:23,638 --> 00:03:26,728
That motherfuckin' hat
don't go with that goddamn jacket.
50
00:03:30,471 --> 00:03:33,911
Damn it, man.
When are we goin' to learn?
51
00:03:39,044 --> 00:03:41,134
You thought I...
All right, don't mess with him.
52
00:03:41,177 --> 00:03:44,567
But I'm just sayin',
brother knew that shit when he left the house.
53
00:03:44,615 --> 00:03:46,745
"Oh, motherfucker.
I don't care. Shit."
54
00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:54,755
Hi, white people
in the back. Hi.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
55
00:03:56,627 --> 00:03:58,107
Didn't see you guys.
56
00:04:01,110 --> 00:04:02,720
You know you motherfuckers
don't match.
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00:04:04,026 --> 00:04:05,286
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
58
00:04:08,596 --> 00:04:09,896
[AUDIENCE HOOTING]
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00:04:17,909 --> 00:04:20,559
I was just playin'.
I was just playin'.
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00:04:20,608 --> 00:04:22,218
Welcome. Thank you
for comin' out,
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00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,962
havin' the courage.
Thank you.
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00:04:25,439 --> 00:04:28,089
I know they lookin'
at that TV like, "Fuck.
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00:04:28,137 --> 00:04:31,097
"Who is the nigger, huh?[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
64
00:04:31,140 --> 00:04:33,010
"Why can't
we get him banned?
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00:04:33,664 --> 00:04:35,194
"Fuckin' HBO
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00:04:36,450 --> 00:04:39,540
"lettin' anybody on. Fuck.
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00:04:41,368 --> 00:04:44,628
"Fuck this freedom
of speech shit."
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00:04:47,504 --> 00:04:50,034
All right,
comin' to the stage
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00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:52,342
from Detroit, Michigan.
I know you goin' to enjoy him,
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00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:54,639
so give it up
for Tommy Chunn.
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00:05:01,953 --> 00:05:04,783
Wassup? Wassup?
How y'all feel?
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00:05:04,826 --> 00:05:07,606
A'ite, a'ite.
Def Jam'sjammin'.
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00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:10,875
Motherfuckers in house...
[GARBLING]
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00:05:10,919 --> 00:05:13,439
[CONTINUES] You ever talk
to a motherfucker talked to you like that?
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00:05:13,487 --> 00:05:15,357
[GARBLED SPEECH]
"What the fuck is happenin', motherfucker?
76
00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:17,622
"No, motherfucker,
I'm talkin' to you.
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00:05:17,665 --> 00:05:20,925
"You ain't talkin' to me.
Well, fuck that then!"
78
00:05:20,972 --> 00:05:23,282
Yeah, but this is
live Def Jam,y'all.
79
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:26,413
I love rap. I know you...
Y'all like rap? Yeah.
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00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:29,626
Yeah, I love rap, man.
But I like them new rappers
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00:05:29,677 --> 00:05:31,807
they got on the scene now,
them reggae rappers,
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00:05:31,853 --> 00:05:34,643
'cause these mothers
don't need words, you know. They just use sound
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00:05:34,682 --> 00:05:38,032
and the last word at the end
of the sentence explain what the fuck they said.
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00:05:38,076 --> 00:05:40,816
They break out...
[VOCALIZING]
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00:05:40,862 --> 00:05:42,952
♪ I want a pretty girl
to suck my dick
86
00:05:42,994 --> 00:05:45,654
[VOCALIZING][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:05:45,693 --> 00:05:50,353
♪ I want to bust
that big, fat ass [VOCALIZING]
88
00:05:50,393 --> 00:05:54,703
♪ Ride her, I said ride her
not a Budget truck but a Ryder ♪
89
00:05:56,530 --> 00:05:58,840
Those fuckers be doin'
that shit too, yeah.
90
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,450
But I be trippin' out
on rappers the way they names are,
91
00:06:01,491 --> 00:06:03,101
you know, because
they have like one word
92
00:06:03,145 --> 00:06:04,965
and one letter acronym
syllable shit, you know.
93
00:06:05,016 --> 00:06:07,236
Like Ice Cube, Ice-T,
Vanilla Ice, Dog Nuts,
94
00:06:07,279 --> 00:06:09,019
all them motherfuckers,
right?
95
00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:11,204
But I love Ice Cube's music.
96
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,850
The only thing
I don't understand is his name don't coincide
97
00:06:13,895 --> 00:06:16,065
with how he look,
'cause with a name like Ice Cube,
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00:06:16,114 --> 00:06:18,074
this motherfucker look hot.
99
00:06:18,116 --> 00:06:20,116
I mean he got on
this wool skull cap
100
00:06:20,162 --> 00:06:23,032
and this gang flannel shirt
buttoned up to his collar,
101
00:06:23,078 --> 00:06:24,948
talkin' about how to
survive in South Central.
102
00:06:24,993 --> 00:06:27,653
I'm like, "Get a tank
top, motherfucker."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
103
00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:32,521
"Cool off. South Central,
that's the desert, motherfucker."
104
00:06:32,566 --> 00:06:35,566
That's why they be so mad
when they fightin'. They be hot.
105
00:06:35,612 --> 00:06:37,702
They're all,
"I'm about to fuck somebody up, man.
106
00:06:37,745 --> 00:06:39,565
"If the temperature
go up one more degrees,
107
00:06:39,616 --> 00:06:43,096
"I'm goin' to fuck somebody
up. Call the weatherman.
108
00:06:43,141 --> 00:06:45,541
"It's 102?
Fuck it. Drive-by."
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00:06:48,582 --> 00:06:51,412
I'm gonna be,
"Just calm down, you know."
110
00:06:51,454 --> 00:06:54,154
Yeah, man,
but motherfuckers in LA are a trip, man,
111
00:06:54,196 --> 00:06:56,106
because, you know,
I was out in LA about a year ago,
112
00:06:56,154 --> 00:06:58,294
and these brothers
tried to rob me. But when they robbed me,
113
00:06:58,330 --> 00:06:59,900
they was usin'
local LA slang,
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00:06:59,941 --> 00:07:01,461
so I didn't know
I was bein' robbed
115
00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:03,638
'cause I didn't know
what the fuck was goin' on.
116
00:07:03,684 --> 00:07:07,254
So, right, check it out.
They usin' this term called "jack," right?
117
00:07:07,296 --> 00:07:09,246
And like, they have
carjackings in Detroit,
118
00:07:09,298 --> 00:07:11,078
but "jack" don't only
mean you're gettin' your car taken,
119
00:07:11,126 --> 00:07:13,516
it mean you gettin' fucked up
any kind of way.
120
00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:15,483
Like, you know
what I'm sayin'?
121
00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:17,222
Like you spendin'
more than $10 for that hat, my brother,
122
00:07:17,262 --> 00:07:20,142
you got jacked.
It's a jack, right?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
123
00:07:20,178 --> 00:07:22,138
But check it out.
So I'm on the phone...
124
00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:24,400
Check it out. I'm on
the phone talkin' to my woman in Detroit.
125
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,144
"How you doin', baby?"
Yeah, you know.
126
00:07:26,184 --> 00:07:27,714
So it's like 3:00
in the mornin'.
127
00:07:27,751 --> 00:07:29,451
I know I shouldn't
have been out there, y'all,
128
00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:31,232
but I wanted to catch her
before she went to work at 6:00.
129
00:07:31,276 --> 00:07:33,536
So I'm like,
"How you doin', baby? I love you."
130
00:07:33,583 --> 00:07:36,283
All of a sudden, these
three brothers rode up on me in this red Ford Fiesta.
131
00:07:36,325 --> 00:07:40,455
Scared the shit out of me.
Like... [IMITATES TIRES SCREECHING]
132
00:07:40,503 --> 00:07:41,723
"Yo, my man.
133
00:07:43,027 --> 00:07:45,247
"What you got on it?"
134
00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:47,640
"What?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
135
00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:51,564
"I said what you got on it?"
I'm like, "On it? On what?
136
00:07:51,601 --> 00:07:55,781
"You mean on the phone?
Well, that's my woman. Why, you want to talk to her?"
137
00:07:55,823 --> 00:07:57,523
He was like,
"No, motherfucker.
138
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,962
"This is a jack!"
139
00:08:05,006 --> 00:08:07,616
I said, "A jack?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
140
00:08:07,661 --> 00:08:10,841
"What, you got a flat
or somethin', motherfucker?
141
00:08:10,881 --> 00:08:12,621
"Them is Pirellis, dog,
142
00:08:12,666 --> 00:08:14,536
"What you need? I left my car
at the house. I'm walkin'."
143
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:17,501
He's like, "No, my man.
You don't see what I'm sayin'.
144
00:08:18,889 --> 00:08:20,329
"This is a jack."
145
00:08:23,198 --> 00:08:27,938
I'm goin', "Damn, Jack,
my man. I swear I don't know you,
146
00:08:27,985 --> 00:08:31,335
"but this is
a Tom. Wassup?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
147
00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:36,300
He was like, "No, dog nuts.
You don't see what the fuck I mean.
148
00:08:36,341 --> 00:08:39,951
"This is a jack,
now come out with your shit."
149
00:08:39,997 --> 00:08:41,607
Now, at this point, y'all,
I am so confused,
150
00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:43,131
I don't know whether
to pull my dick out
151
00:08:43,174 --> 00:08:45,004
or move my bowels.
152
00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:46,956
"This is a jack? Shit.
153
00:08:48,005 --> 00:08:50,045
"What?"
154
00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:53,534
And these lazy
LA Compton motherfuckers never got out of the car.
155
00:08:53,576 --> 00:08:56,576
They are robbin' me
from the street.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
156
00:08:56,623 --> 00:09:00,453
"What the fuck is this?
A LA valet robbery, motherfuckers?"
157
00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:03,586
"No, like that's
the jack rule. You know that.
158
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:09,680
"If it's a jack, you bring
the shit over here, you motherfucker.
159
00:09:09,723 --> 00:09:11,593
"You must be from Detroit."
160
00:09:11,638 --> 00:09:13,858
I'm thinkin' to myself,
"Yeah, you right, motherfucker.
161
00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:17,641
"I am from Detroit.
You have to beat me down and take my shit, all right?
162
00:09:17,687 --> 00:09:19,947
"Now, you motherfuckers
get the fuck on out of here
163
00:09:19,994 --> 00:09:22,304
"before you end up
bein' jack-in-the-box. All right?"
164
00:09:24,607 --> 00:09:26,737
Thank you very much.
I'm Tommy Chunn.
165
00:09:26,783 --> 00:09:28,093
[MUSIC PLAYING]
166
00:09:33,094 --> 00:09:36,584
[KID CAPRI PLAYING TURNTABLE]
167
00:09:45,497 --> 00:09:49,107
Yo, comin' to the stage
is my man, it's my partner.
168
00:09:49,153 --> 00:09:50,893
He's from Washington, D.C.
169
00:09:50,938 --> 00:09:53,198
And, yo, the boy's
workin' all over.
170
00:09:53,244 --> 00:09:55,074
I would tell you the show
he's on, but I forgot.
171
00:09:55,116 --> 00:09:57,676
No, but this is my man.
Yo, give it up for Tony Woods.
172
00:10:06,214 --> 00:10:11,574
New York, wassup? Wassup?
Man, I love New York.
173
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,351
This is all right, man.
174
00:10:13,395 --> 00:10:16,615
This is the best place in the
fuckin' country to party at.
175
00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:19,709
I got into a fight today
though, man, on the subway.
176
00:10:19,749 --> 00:10:22,879
That was fucked-up.
Sat down on the train next to this lady
177
00:10:22,926 --> 00:10:25,096
and she had like
an earring in her nose.
178
00:10:25,146 --> 00:10:26,666
Okay, well she didn't have
an earring in.
179
00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:29,673
She had like the earring
hole in her nose.
180
00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:33,366
And, obviously, she had
a nasty head cold.
181
00:10:33,415 --> 00:10:34,715
[AUDIENCE GROANING]
182
00:10:34,764 --> 00:10:37,034
That's the same thing
I was thinkin'.
183
00:10:39,290 --> 00:10:41,990
You know, 'cause
she had to sneeze and I saw her winding up,
184
00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:44,472
but I couldn't move because
the shit was all tight.
185
00:10:44,513 --> 00:10:45,653
And she went...
186
00:10:47,690 --> 00:10:52,700
And I was like,
"Oh, shit. This bitch is gonna sneeze, man."
187
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:54,739
And she went...
188
00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:58,794
Tried to cover her nose,
went, "Ah-choo!"
189
00:10:58,832 --> 00:11:03,362
And a fuckin' booger
shot right out of that nose hole, man,
190
00:11:03,401 --> 00:11:05,881
right on my shirt.
I said, "Hey!
191
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:10,016
"Hey! Hey!"
192
00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:12,670
'Cause you know, she had
the Walkman shit on.
193
00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:18,198
And she looked over.
You know, she was a little embarrassed.
194
00:11:18,242 --> 00:11:22,332
She tried to apologize,
but she still had her finger in the place where she talked.
195
00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:25,897
She said, "Oh, I'm sorry,"
And a big bubble...
196
00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:37,257
So I punched her
in her stomach.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
197
00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:41,051
She won't do
that shit again.
198
00:11:41,091 --> 00:11:44,311
Everybody on the train
looked at me like, "Oh, man." I was like, "Fuck y'all."
199
00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:48,798
And the transit policeman
came in there.
200
00:11:48,838 --> 00:11:51,008
"Hey! You punch
that lady in the stomach?"
201
00:11:51,058 --> 00:11:52,758
And I got kind of scared.
202
00:11:52,799 --> 00:11:55,759
I said, "Man, that bitch
put a booger on me."
203
00:11:55,802 --> 00:11:57,762
And instead of him sayin',
"I'm goin' to write you a ticket,
204
00:11:57,804 --> 00:12:01,164
"I'm goin' to arrest you,"
he says, "I'm gonna kick your ass."
205
00:12:01,198 --> 00:12:03,368
I said, "Huh?" he said,
"I'm gonna kick your ass."
206
00:12:03,418 --> 00:12:07,678
So I stood up,
because I was gonna run...[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
207
00:12:09,772 --> 00:12:12,302
But I looked at him, you
know, and I said to myself,
208
00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:14,860
"I can probably take
this motherfucker."
209
00:12:14,908 --> 00:12:17,738
You know, not that he was
smaller than me or nothin',
210
00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:21,570
but he was handicapped.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
211
00:12:21,610 --> 00:12:24,050
Oh, no, he wasn't
in no wheelchair or nothin' like that.
212
00:12:24,091 --> 00:12:26,621
He just had like
one of them little baby arms.
213
00:12:26,658 --> 00:12:28,788
You ever seen someone
with a little baby...
214
00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:30,395
I felt kind of sorry
for him. I said, "You sure you want to fight me?"
215
00:12:30,445 --> 00:12:31,835
And he went...
216
00:12:31,881 --> 00:12:34,141
I went, "Oh, shit."
217
00:12:34,188 --> 00:12:37,098
Now I got to tell you,
I can handle myself pretty good,
218
00:12:37,147 --> 00:12:39,627
but he was cheatin',
you know, because he was
219
00:12:39,671 --> 00:12:41,281
doin' shit
with that little arm.
220
00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:44,239
You know, like...
221
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:50,254
And I look, he go...
222
00:12:50,291 --> 00:12:53,211
He was windin' my shit up.
223
00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:54,820
I said, "What am
I goin' to do?"
224
00:12:54,861 --> 00:12:56,731
So I had to rush him, man.
When I rushed him,
225
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,906
he swung real hard
with the long arm and I ducked down.
226
00:12:58,952 --> 00:13:01,522
He went, "Boom."
227
00:13:01,563 --> 00:13:06,523
Hit me right in the head
with that little arm. Man, that hurt.
228
00:13:06,568 --> 00:13:09,788
Felt like somebody
hit me in the head with a turkey leg or somethin'.
229
00:13:11,921 --> 00:13:14,791
My head was bleedin',
I had a booger on my shirt.
230
00:13:17,274 --> 00:13:20,064
Oh, man. Y'all know
y'all goin' to hell
231
00:13:20,103 --> 00:13:21,373
for laughin'
at that joke, right?
232
00:13:24,978 --> 00:13:28,288
Oh... Ooh. Y'all feel that?
It must be...
233
00:13:28,329 --> 00:13:32,289
I thought it was the wind
or somethin'. Uh-oh, I was thinkin' about my girl.
234
00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:34,733
Well, like my old girl.
You know how you, you know.
235
00:13:34,770 --> 00:13:37,430
I broke up with her but
I mean, you think about her sometimes...
236
00:13:37,468 --> 00:13:42,468
"Oh. Woo! Lord!"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
237
00:13:42,517 --> 00:13:44,947
I got to find
that girl number.
238
00:13:44,998 --> 00:13:47,828
Oh, man, I mean, and we
would like, do it
239
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:50,830
and it would always kick in
after about two minutes.
240
00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:55,623
[SCREAMING]
Start screamin' and shit...
241
00:13:55,660 --> 00:13:57,750
That's the best pussy
I ever had!
242
00:14:00,709 --> 00:14:02,409
Man, one day
I left her house
243
00:14:02,450 --> 00:14:04,370
and her next door neighbor
came out and said,
244
00:14:04,408 --> 00:14:09,018
"Shorty, you was
workin' that, boy.
245
00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:11,325
"I heard her screamin'."
246
00:14:11,372 --> 00:14:13,552
"That was me."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
247
00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:19,859
I went over there
one day after I had all this Mexican food
248
00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:22,562
and I found out why
the booty was so good, man.
249
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:25,340
I went over there
and we was doin' it just like always.
250
00:14:25,386 --> 00:14:27,946
Two minutes came...
251
00:14:27,997 --> 00:14:33,607
[SCREAMING] That's great!
That's the best pussy I ever had in my life!
252
00:14:33,655 --> 00:14:35,875
And she said,
"Oh, talk to me, daddy."
253
00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:40,228
I said, "I got to fart."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
254
00:14:42,185 --> 00:14:44,745
She said, "Do what
you got to do."
255
00:14:44,796 --> 00:14:46,836
[MIMICS FLATULENCE][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
256
00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:52,797
And somethin' said...
[MIMICS CAT MEOWING]
257
00:14:52,848 --> 00:14:55,548
And the cat scratched my ass.
258
00:14:55,590 --> 00:14:59,380
See, what it was the cat
had been behind me lickin' my balls.
259
00:15:00,421 --> 00:15:03,121
That feels so good, man.
260
00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:07,954
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND HOOTING]
261
00:15:12,389 --> 00:15:15,919
I said, "Girl, your booty
ain't no good. I'm leavin' you.
262
00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:17,788
"Give me this goddamn cat."
263
00:15:26,708 --> 00:15:29,098
God bless y'all.
My name is Tony Woods.
264
00:15:30,973 --> 00:15:32,453
[MUSIC PLAYING]
265
00:15:48,121 --> 00:15:50,861
Yo, Tony, man, I want
to hook up with that cat, man.
266
00:15:50,906 --> 00:15:52,036
[ALL LAUGHING]
267
00:15:54,605 --> 00:15:59,345
Damn. Only on HBO.
268
00:15:59,393 --> 00:16:05,573
Yo, comin' to the stage,
she's from my hometown. Again, Washington, D.C.
269
00:16:05,616 --> 00:16:07,306
She's a funny woman.
She was in a movie with me,
270
00:16:07,357 --> 00:16:10,447
Talkin' Dirty After Dark.
Y'all didn't see that shit,
271
00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:13,321
but give it up
for Robin Montague.
272
00:16:22,416 --> 00:16:25,066
Hello, Manhattan.
273
00:16:25,114 --> 00:16:28,604
It's good to be back
in Manhattan.
274
00:16:28,639 --> 00:16:33,119
Whoo! All right.
Wait a minute now. I've been married one year.
275
00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:35,296
I don't have no kids
'cause I'm scared,
276
00:16:35,342 --> 00:16:38,262
'cause that shit
looks like it's painful. You know what I mean?
277
00:16:38,301 --> 00:16:41,261
No, the shit look
like it hurts from what I've seen of it, hear.
278
00:16:41,304 --> 00:16:43,794
I've got a low tolerance
for pain.
279
00:16:43,828 --> 00:16:46,478
I can't even brush my teeth
without cryin'.
280
00:16:46,527 --> 00:16:48,397
I'm serious. I just have to
use Wite-Out and shit.
281
00:16:48,442 --> 00:16:51,662
It's just like, "Fuck it.
I gotta paint this shit on."
282
00:16:51,706 --> 00:16:53,576
I... That shit hurt.
You know what I mean?
283
00:16:58,104 --> 00:17:00,064
Whoo! A'ite.
284
00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:03,146
Wait a minute.
Speakin' of Wite-Out, y'all see Michael Jackson?
285
00:17:03,196 --> 00:17:06,066
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
286
00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:10,592
Honey, he not black,
he not white, he blank.
287
00:17:10,638 --> 00:17:14,688
I guess it don't fuckin'
matter, you know.
288
00:17:14,729 --> 00:17:18,339
The whole Jackson family
weird, ain't they? They just weird.
289
00:17:18,385 --> 00:17:22,515
Let me tell you somethin'.
The Addams Family ain't got shit on them motherfuckers.
290
00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:25,093
Fuck that... [HUMMING]
Fuck.
291
00:17:25,131 --> 00:17:30,091
Uh-uh, they crazy.
Randy beatin' his wife.
292
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:34,836
La Toya crazy. She crazy!
Where is she...
293
00:17:34,879 --> 00:17:37,139
Look, look. Come on,
her father rape her.
294
00:17:37,186 --> 00:17:39,446
Okay, I don't know
if she lyin'.
295
00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:42,713
She wear so much
makeup, I can't see her facial features.
296
00:17:42,757 --> 00:17:45,847
Just packed on...
Just caked on.
297
00:17:45,890 --> 00:17:48,630
I know burn victims
wearin' less makeup than that girl.
298
00:17:48,676 --> 00:17:50,106
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
299
00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:56,901
And she had to write
a scandalous book, didn't she,
300
00:17:56,945 --> 00:18:00,205
'cause she
ain't got no talent. What else she gonna do?
301
00:18:00,253 --> 00:18:03,343
Come on, now.
You gonna pay $35 to see La Toya, you know
302
00:18:03,386 --> 00:18:05,076
Janet comin' next week?
303
00:18:10,132 --> 00:18:12,002
And she's a ho.
304
00:18:13,831 --> 00:18:16,571
Fuck that. She's a ho.
I said it.
305
00:18:16,617 --> 00:18:19,487
Posin' for Playboy
and shit.
306
00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:21,403
If she didn't have
no breast exposed,
307
00:18:21,448 --> 00:18:23,098
she wouldn't make
a dime, would she?
308
00:18:23,145 --> 00:18:25,225
God damn it, you see Tito
ain't got no titties.
309
00:18:25,278 --> 00:18:27,058
We ain't heard
from him in years.
310
00:18:31,284 --> 00:18:32,894
They crazy.
311
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,420
You can't talk about
the Jacksons without thinkin' about Diana Ross,
312
00:18:39,466 --> 00:18:43,076
can you though?
You... God damn it, what she did to Michael,
313
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:46,602
I don't know.
I got to put this here...
314
00:18:46,647 --> 00:18:50,427
I love it when they give me
somethin' hard and black to work with.
315
00:18:50,477 --> 00:18:52,957
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
316
00:18:55,395 --> 00:18:57,305
Oh! I forgot
where the fuck I was.
317
00:18:59,834 --> 00:19:02,404
Look, y'all. Wait.
That damn Diana Ross
318
00:19:02,445 --> 00:19:04,835
love to perform, don't she?
You ever see her?
319
00:19:10,584 --> 00:19:12,244
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
320
00:19:16,329 --> 00:19:18,029
[MOUTHING INAUDIBLY]
321
00:19:28,341 --> 00:19:29,601
[MIMICS DIANA ROSS]
Thank you.
322
00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:33,133
Thank you.
323
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,742
Thank you very, very,
very, very much.
324
00:19:37,915 --> 00:19:39,825
Thank you so much.
325
00:19:42,877 --> 00:19:46,787
Thank you.
I'd just like to say
326
00:19:46,837 --> 00:19:49,187
that I know that you know.
327
00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:51,361
And I know that
you know I know
328
00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:53,317
you know that I know
and you know I know.
329
00:19:53,366 --> 00:19:55,106
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
330
00:20:16,737 --> 00:20:17,737
Diana, we love you.
331
00:20:26,747 --> 00:20:28,577
I don't know.
They probably gonna look at this show,
332
00:20:28,618 --> 00:20:33,188
Diana and them are goin',
"What has this world come to?"
333
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,322
Michael, what's up, man?
Michael Jackson.
334
00:20:37,584 --> 00:20:39,984
Not you, motherfucker.
I'm talkin' to Michael.
335
00:20:40,021 --> 00:20:43,371
What's up, Michael Jackson?
Yo, man. I understood when you tore up that car, man.
336
00:20:45,418 --> 00:20:50,028
A lot of shit, balls built up.
I know, man. I know, man.
337
00:20:50,074 --> 00:20:52,384
A lot of pressure
on you, Mike.
338
00:20:52,425 --> 00:20:54,375
Stay black, Mike. Peace.
339
00:20:56,516 --> 00:20:59,606
Give it up for my man,
James Stephens III.
340
00:21:00,433 --> 00:21:02,003
[MUSIC PLAYING]
341
00:21:15,361 --> 00:21:17,151
I thought I'd open up
with some Prince.
342
00:21:19,582 --> 00:21:22,672
He went, "Psych!"
343
00:21:22,716 --> 00:21:24,806
I'm serious, man.
Why is it when we talk about homosexuality,
344
00:21:24,848 --> 00:21:27,328
why do we always
talk about men?
345
00:21:27,373 --> 00:21:28,943
There's females
that are gay.
346
00:21:28,983 --> 00:21:30,383
Of course, if I came home
and my wife was in bed
347
00:21:30,419 --> 00:21:32,989
with another woman,
I'd say, "Move over."
348
00:21:33,030 --> 00:21:35,730
You with me, fellas?
Yeah, that's right.
349
00:21:35,772 --> 00:21:38,082
I figure it's a waste
of a good woman myself.
350
00:21:38,122 --> 00:21:40,432
Of course, I'd find myself
takin' my wife out a little bit more often goin',
351
00:21:40,473 --> 00:21:42,433
"Hey, the one in the red..."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
352
00:21:47,349 --> 00:21:49,399
"Go ahead, buy her a drink."
353
00:21:53,181 --> 00:21:55,971
How many people
got southern relatives? You got southern relatives?
354
00:21:56,010 --> 00:21:58,100
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
355
00:21:58,142 --> 00:22:00,712
I was raised in LA
all my life and it was really weird.
356
00:22:00,754 --> 00:22:03,414
I just went back to visit
my southern relatives. Man, it was weird.
357
00:22:03,452 --> 00:22:06,632
They took me to one of those
black fire-and-brimstone Baptist churches.
358
00:22:06,673 --> 00:22:08,943
The guy, he freaked
the shit out of me, man.
359
00:22:08,979 --> 00:22:11,159
I'm sittin' there,
all of a sudden he jumped from behind the pulpit, went,
360
00:22:11,199 --> 00:22:15,989
"Hah! A long time ago, hah,
Paul told John, hah."
361
00:22:16,030 --> 00:22:17,600
And the congregation
responded, "Yeah!"
362
00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:19,120
Started to freak me out.
Looked at me, goes, "Hah!"
363
00:22:19,163 --> 00:22:20,343
Then he started to pray.
364
00:22:20,382 --> 00:22:22,172
He started to sound
like James Brown,
365
00:22:22,210 --> 00:22:23,910
"Hah! I'm in the hole. Hah!
366
00:22:23,951 --> 00:22:25,521
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
367
00:22:29,260 --> 00:22:32,310
"In the hole and the hole
and the high.
368
00:22:33,047 --> 00:22:34,877
"In Jesus' name."
369
00:22:39,923 --> 00:22:42,883
I'm startin' to sweat
like a pig and hot as shit up here.
370
00:22:42,926 --> 00:22:46,366
Ever hear people say stupid
sayings like, "Sweatin' like a pig," and "hot as shit?"
371
00:22:46,408 --> 00:22:48,318
Ever looked in a pigpen
and saw a pig in there goin',
372
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:50,187
"Damn, it's hot
as shit in here.
373
00:22:50,238 --> 00:22:53,368
"I gotta pee like
a Russian racehorse."
374
00:22:53,415 --> 00:22:55,235
Here's my favorite.
"Sick as a dog."
375
00:22:55,286 --> 00:22:56,896
Ever been sittin' up
at 3:00, 4:00 a.m. in the mornin',
376
00:22:56,940 --> 00:22:58,070
your dog come out
of the bathroom?
377
00:23:00,814 --> 00:23:03,384
"Indigestion. I think
it was the Alpo
378
00:23:03,425 --> 00:23:05,075
"'cause I'm sweatin'
like a pig and hot as shit."
379
00:23:07,690 --> 00:23:11,130
And speakin' of pigs,
down south, man, those people eat pigs all the time.
380
00:23:11,172 --> 00:23:13,702
Hot sauce on everythin'.
Walk into my grandma's house,
381
00:23:13,740 --> 00:23:16,400
"You can put
your shoes in there. That'll be good, honey."
382
00:23:16,438 --> 00:23:19,048
I walked into a convenience
store, there was a sign on the wall sayin',
383
00:23:19,093 --> 00:23:22,403
"Pickled pork lips sold
here." Who eat this shit?
384
00:23:22,444 --> 00:23:24,624
Somewhere in New Orleans
there some pigs walkin' around goin',
385
00:23:24,664 --> 00:23:26,624
"Where the fuck
are my lips?
386
00:23:26,666 --> 00:23:28,756
"Told me this was
just a taste test."
387
00:23:30,583 --> 00:23:33,593
They have pig's feet
in a jar. Pig's feet!
388
00:23:33,629 --> 00:23:35,279
Pigs are walkin' around
New Orleans like this,
389
00:23:35,326 --> 00:23:37,456
"Yo, man, they got Tyrone
tied up to a tree.
390
00:23:41,115 --> 00:23:43,675
"Hope you don't come back out
to get knuckle sandwich."
391
00:23:48,296 --> 00:23:52,296
Thank you very much, man.
Thank you.
392
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:04,530
Hey, man. You had me
bring out that stool. You ain't use it, man.
393
00:24:06,793 --> 00:24:09,013
James Stephens.
Give him another round of applause.
394
00:24:10,971 --> 00:24:14,241
I don't work for you, James.
395
00:24:14,278 --> 00:24:17,458
Okay, y'all, we want
to thank y'all for comin' out tonight.
396
00:24:17,499 --> 00:24:20,629
I want to bring out
who made it possible, my man, Russell Simmons.
397
00:24:22,635 --> 00:24:24,635
[MUSIC PLAYING]
398
00:24:24,685 --> 00:24:29,235
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