All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s01e04.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Ladies and gentlemen
do me a big, big, big favor.

Put your hands together
for a great man.

His name is
Mr. Martin Lawrence!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Yo. Wassup?

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIM]

Give it up for my man,
Kid Capri.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Yeah.

Whoa, man. This is nice.
Brothers hanging out.

How y'all feel?AUDIENCE: All right.

You doin' good?
Hey, you motherfuckers are long.

You look like the Thing
or some shit like that.

That's your real hair?No.

Ah, okay. Oops.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Whoo!

I know when
he's done with you... [MUMBLES] Fuck it.

Oh, that's nice.
I'd like to play with that if you get some time later.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Yeah, what's going on?

My man's in the house.
Give him a round of applause. My partner!

This boy's bad.
Wesley Snipes.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[MARTIN EXCLAIMS]

You a bad
motherfucker, boy.

You smile at me,
motherfucker. Don't sit there.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

This ain't New Jack City.
Wassup boy?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Nigga sittin' there
like he Nino.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

You know it, motherfucker.
Wassup?

Bad chocolate motherfucker,
ain't he?

That motherfucker's
too cold.

He did some shit in Jack City
that just made motherfuckers, "Oh, shit!"

He a bad motherfucker.
I know you got it good, Wes.

Women can't leave
your ass now, can they?

I bet in the day
they used to dog you,

"You ain't shit.
Get your ass outta here.

"You little
black motherfucker. Get the fuck outta here."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE HOOTING]

Now you
the motherfuckin' man.

Now you tell a woman
like this, "Get your shit and get out."

And she like this...

[PANTING][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"What's wrong with you?

"I'm sayin' just talk to me,
all right?

"You ain't got... I mean,
why you gettin' all upset?"

It's the American way.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE WHISTLES AND HOOTS]

Y'all look good though, man.
Thank you for comin' out

and supporting
the Def Comedy Jam.

Thank you very much.
Y'all look real good.

Some beautiful shit, man.
Feel good bein' black!

For real. For real.

Comin' to the stage,
since you're havin' so much fun,

I know you're gonna enjoy him.

He's from...
He's one of the hottest comedians in Jersey,

and he's here
to kick it up.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yo. Give it up
for Bill Bellamy.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up New York?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Hey! We in the house.

Oh, shit. Give it up
for all the ladies in the house, fellas.

Let the dogs loose.

[AUDIENCE BARKING]

God damn!

I've been watching TV a lot,
trippin' me out.

Y'all... everybody here
seen those early pregnancy test commercials?

You notice they only got
white people on them?

And everybody
in the commercial is happy?

The girl come out
the bathroom, "Honey..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Guess what?"

And he's sitting
on the couch, "What, babe?"

"We are positive."
"Fuckin' A!"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

That shit ain't real!

I want to see a sister,
I want to see a sister.

Every brother in here
want to just see one sister go in the bathroom.

She be in there,
she be like... [CLICKS TONGUE]

"Damn."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[INAUDIBLE]

[SIGHS]

"Guess what?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Your ass need a job."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[CHUCKLES]
You know what I'm sayin'?

The shit is crazy, man.
Crazy shit, man.

Lot of crazy stuff
happened to me, man.

New York is fly,
but one thing I don't like about New York, man,

when you come over here
and you drive, every time, tell the truth.

When you park on a bad street,
don't you always turn around

and look at your car
like you may never see that motherfucker again?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Come on now,
I don't feel like walkin'.

Motherfuckers crazy, man!

They got this new car alarm
I want to tell y'all about.

Every brother in here, sister,
got a nice car.

They got this new car alarm
that be out in '92, right?

If they steal your car,
the car alarm will call your house.

This shit is real.

I said to myself,
"Imagine this, right?"

Saturday night
'bout four o'clock in the morning.

You asleep. [SNORING]

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[SNORING]

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

"Uh, hello?"

"Yo, Bill, wake up."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Who is it?"
"It's the car, man."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND LAUGHING]

[CRYING] "Ah, man!
They got me down here

"and they takin' out
the radio and everything."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[SOBS]

"All right, all right.
Where you at?"

[SOBBING] "I don't know.
You better hurry up.

"Wait a minute,
here they come. I'll call you back."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

That shit is crazy.

Crazy shit, man.

Women in here, man.
I was reading an article recently.

Women want to be made...
They want you to make love to 'em good.

Am I right, ladies?

Y'all wanna hear that shit?AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Brothers, you gotta
kick that shit out!

Don't give out no weak shit
'cause women will talk.

And the ones that clap
done told,

they don't fuck around.

You could tell, too.

You could tell
when you give out some weak shit.

You be tryin' to find
your shoes you be like, "Damn..."

"Where my shoes at?"

"They right here."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"Get your sorry ass
outta here."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Serious, man.
You know what's crazy, too, about women

that's different from men?

Women can have
orgasms, right?

And it just looks
so pretty, man.

You ever seen a woman
have an orgasm? She's like...

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

"Don't touch me,
don't touch."

Right? There ain't
a brother in here

that can have
a smooth orgasm,

and sisters know we be
tryin' our best, right? We be in there...

Ugh!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Now, Imma...

Hold up. Hold up.
Then we just get like, crazy retarded. We like...

[UNINTELLIGIBLE NOISES]

[UNINTELLIGIBLE NOISES]

That shit is crazy, man!

Then you try to have...

Then you have a woman,
they ask you questions and shit

when you havin' an orgasm.
You don't even know the English language.

She be like, "Honey, honey,
wipe your mouth.

"Stop makin' that face."
You be like...

[UNINTELLIGIBLE NOISES]

Crazy shit, man.
Shit is crazy.

Before I leave, though,
I just want to say something.

If you got somebody
that you care about

and they love you
and they treat you right, you gotta hold onto 'em.

Give a round of applause
for that shit, y'all.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUD]

'Cause it's hard, man.

It's hard tryin' to
find somebody today

that's, like,
got all their teeth

and everything workin',
and shit. It's crazy.

You know
what's crazy, right?

How many times
have you seen someone that you like, right?

Somebody introduce you
to 'em, right?

You be out there,
you be like, "Hey, how you doin'?"

And they be like...

[MOUTHING] Fuck you.

I'll show you
a prime example tonight

why the shit
never works out, right?

Now say, for instance,
I like this lady right here.

Check it out, right?
Nice lookin' lady.

She would not like me.

She would like him
right here. See?

See? See this brother
right here?

But he would not
like your ass.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

No, 'cause he'd
like him right there.[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

My name is Bill Bellamy.
It's been real, y'all. Peace.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Give him a round
of applause. Bill Bellamy.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I don't know why
he tellin' jokes.

The motherfucker
just a model, man.

Damn. Pretty motherfucker.

New Jack City,right?

New Jack City.
Yo, you hit that line, "Pretty motherfucker."

So, yo, we gonna keep this
show rollin'. Hope you're having a good time.

Coming to the stage is one
of my personal favorites.

Um, this is one of the
baddest women out, in my opinion.

Yo, she's bad and
she's gonna do work,

and I know you're
gonna love her.

She's from
Oakland, California.

Yo, give it up
for Laura Hayes.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Hey. Oh, shit.

[LAUGHS]

Thank you, Martin,
for that beautiful introduction.

Remind me to suck...
I mean, thank you later.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Hold it!

See?

I'm from a big family of girls
you know, we been,

you know,
raised to stick together.

Yeah, they all big, too.

Yeah, but you know
how your sisters and your girlfriends

won't tell you when
your man foolin' around?

Oh, we tell, baby.
Go right to the phone.

"Hey, sis?
Yeah, motherfucker down at the mall.

"Oh, no, you right.
You right. That's disrespectful.

"Mr. Motherfucker
down at the mall.

"Yeah, girl, with some
tramp with blonde extensions in her hair."

'Cause you know every time
when there's a problem, my mother is the dispatcher.

She'll dispatch us out
whenever there's a problem.

She'll get right
on the phone,

"Laura, Bertha, Julie, Ruthie.
Get on over to Alice's house.

"That nigga done read
a black man guide."

So, we jump in the car
and we rollin'

and I got a 1000 pounds
ridin' with me, God damn it.

We slappin' five
over the seat and shit.

Get to my
baby sister's house

and this nigga's just
about to swing and I go,

"Oh, no, motherfucker,
not today! God damn it. Fuck that!"

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

Not today.

No, baby.

No! Mmm-mmm.

C'mon!

No.

No, no, no. See?

'Cause Mr. and Mrs. Hayes
didn't raise no punk bitches, you see?

Oh, yeah, and we all
wear hair, too.

I love my hair.
I got about 40 or 50 of these at home.

Whenever I meet a man,
I take him to the wig wall,

I say, "Now look, you just
pick whatever one you want to do the wild thing in."

And ladies,
you know how men,

people be fuckin' with you
about your hair and your hair wigs?

Fuck that![APPLAUSE]

Fuck that!

'Cause they ask me
all the time, "Is that your hair?"

"I still have the receipt."

And it's good
in the rain, too.

You know how
you have to be runnin',

your perm be gettin' wet?
And you be, "Oh! Oh!"

See, I don't have to do that.
I just be walkin'.

Walkin' in the hood,
"What's up girl? What's happenin'?"

Get home, shake it out.
Hang it up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I got over that
embarrassment long time ago.

Back in the '70's.
Remember the Super Flydays?

Am I the oldest motherfucker
in here? Okay.

Okay, so I had my hair done,
it was like, poof, poof, poof.

Had on the diamond rings,
fur coat.

Went to step out of a limo,
and left the shit swingin' on the door.

From then on I said,
"Fuck it. I ain't gonna worry about it."

And the little oriental lady
that sells me my wigs,

she love to see me coming.

She be like,
[IMITATING ASIAN ACCENT] "Oh, Laura. How you doing?

"Come on in,
I got a nice wig for you.

"It's you color."

She know every
goddamn one is my color.

And I just turned 40
a couple of years ago.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

But I went wild though, baby,
after I turn 40.

You know, you turn 40
and you start gettin' into younger men.

I was tossin' 'em.

I was tossin' 'em, though.

I was like, "Come here.
Shut up. Fuck. Get out."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]]

See ya.

Thank you very much,
I'm Laura Hayes.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Yo, I'd like to give
a shout out to someone who just stepped in the house.

He a bad motherfucker
and he on Def Jam.

LL Cool J.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

MARTIN: What's up, man?

How you livin', L?

How you livin', L?

[SHRIEKS]

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
That's my motherfucker there.

So, yo,

we gonna bring to the stage

a brother that is one of
Russell Simmons' personal favorites...

[CHUCKLES]

...and he's a wild boy,
so brace yourself.

He's from Brooklyn.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yo, give it up
for G. George.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

What the fuck is this?
A family reunion?

God damn,
is Brooklyn in the house?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

All right.
We gonna set this off. Fasten your seat belts.

This shit is definitely real.

Now, how many y'all like sex?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Who loves to talk
about sex?

Now, check this out.
Just the other day, right?

I went to the top floor
of the World Trade Center. They got a bar up there.

And I see this bitch
got more butt than a box of Newports.

Draggin' a wagon.
Plenty of junk in her trunk.

So I slides up on her.
I said, um...

"Moosie poo,
Sugar bloomers.

"I mean, uh,

"what's the flavor, neighbor?

"I'm ready to suck
a fort out your ass.

"Shit.

"As a matter of fact,

"I'm ready to spin, bitch,
slide up in your guts,

"split open your butt
and bust a ferocious nut all over your chest

"and rub it in
like it's calamine lotion."

Girlfriend said, "Nigga,

"why don't you act like
you should raise up off me?

"'Cause I don't need you.

"Let the welfare feed you.
Your mother made you, let mother fuck you.

"Now, put some wheels on eels
and skate off, before I be fired your ass."

I said, "Baby, why you
talkin' like that?"

She said,
"'Cause my name is Polly-Oh-the-ho.

"That's why I got all this
cheese back here. I don't think you could handle it."

I said, "Well, baby,
if you was mine,

"I would suck the cheese
out your toes, caress your kneecaps,

"eat the blueberry critters
out your butt,

"tongue kiss your armpits,
drink your bathwater with a crazy straw.

"And as long as I got
a face, you got somewhere to sit."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Well, girlfriend said,
"Well, come on,

"let's go to the bar
and talk about this."

I said, "Whatever's clever,
Miss Trevor."

So I'm followin' behind her
lookin' at the cheese go left to right, right?

I said, "God damn."

So, we sit down. We drinkin'
Long Island iced teas,

kicking the political blase,
propaganda rhetoric and bogus, you know,

the willy bo-bo.

Rubbin' each other hips,
playin' footsies.

All of a sudden,
the door kick in, pa-boom!

When the smoke cleared,

seen a motherfucker with
a strap as long as Dick Tracy,

with a screw face like
Shabba Ranks.

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

Got his hand
in his pocket like this.

I said, "Oh, my God.
Dude gonna rob the joint.

"I only got 15 cents over
Chinese food in my clothes.

"I'll be fucked up, I gotta
take that iron horse tonight.

"Oh, my God!"

Bad enough, I'm tryin' to get
girlfriend to pay for these Long Island iced teas.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Anyway, instead of pulling out
a Mac-10 with a banana clip,

guess what this
motherfucker pulled out?

A .40.

He said, "This shit here is
guaranteed to make every day in your bedroom

"some type of spectacular."

Girlfriend gave me
the elbow.

"Check this punk ass nigga."

Soft and velvety cheese.

She's like a baby shoe.
He booty.

He can't throw rice
at a Chinese wedding.

Ain't going to hurt nothin'
lettin' them die.

I should be
fighting his ass.

I said, "Chill, baby,
hear the man out."

He said, "For example."

Took a goggle. [GULPING]

And walked out the window.

Now, remember,

we a hundred and some storeys
in the fuckin' air.

This motherfucker walked
out the window,

go around the
motherfucking building,

come back in the door,
"Ta-da!" like Roger Rabbit.

Know what girlfriend said?

"Let me at that bottle."

Snatched the shit,
drunk it down to the suds,

threw it behind her back,
did a dance like she was Greek,

turned around and said,
"Don't let my drink get hot."

I said, "Bitch,
where is you goin'?"

She stepped one foot
out the window,

and fell 100 some storeys
to her death.

Bartender wiping
the motherfucking table off.

[CHUCKLES] He said,
"Superman, you a funny motherfucker sometimes.

"I swear to God."

Man, I got to go.

Man, they got me
on short time.

I'm gonna put some wheels
on my heels and skate.

Man, I'm outta here like
Belvedere with no underwear.

Peace to my man, Terrell,
and peace to Brooklyn.

Y'all take care.
Y'all lookin' nice tonight.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[LAUGHING]

For those of y'all
who don't know what the fuck G. George was sayin',

we got dictionaries
in the back.

No, that's my man.
Give him a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

We gonna kick it.

Comin' from my
motherfucking home town...

I know white people going,

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT]
"Do they have to say motherfucker all the time?"

'Cause you know,
that's just the way we talk.

"Hey, motherfucker,
what's up?

"Motherfucker?
Ah, go ahead, motherfucker.

"Oh, you a wild
motherfucker."

That's just how we do.

White people get offended,
"Hey, motherfucker!"

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT]
"Hey, why?"

"Why are you so emotional?

"God."

But that's how we talk.

Yo, comin' to the stage
from my home town, the nation's capital.

He's here to do some
motherfuckin' work for ya

and I know
you're gonna enjoy him.

So, give it up
for Ted Carpenter.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

One more time,
Martin Lawrence!

Give it up to him!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Is that cool?

Oh, okay.

The first thing I want to say
is it's good to do a show

in front of all
pretty black folks. I'm telling you the truth.

'Cause I got a fucked-up
management company.

No, don't clap. Don't clap!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Niggas be puttin' me on
some fucked-up shows. Man, I'm tellin' you now.

Last week, I did a show
in New York State Prison.

Niggas got triple,
double life.

That means a motherfucker die
two times, he gotta come back and do four more years.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]Right?

Right? So I'm doin'
my shit, right?

I'm being just...
I'm, you know, I'm bein' me, right?

Them niggas be
in the back sayin',

"Yo, Slim. No, no, no, no.
Fuck that.

"Do somebody we know.
Do, uh, Richard Pryor."

And I say, "Yo, Slim.
I ain't doin' Richard.

"I can't even
do the motherfucker."

"You don't do Richard Pryor,
we gonna fuck you up!"

[IMITATING RICHARD PRYOR]
When I first came down here,

I drove this motherfucker
445 miles on one tank of gas.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I left that motherfucker
doin' Richard Pryor.

Niggas was talkin' about
a good show.

I'm like, "Thank you,
motherfucker. Thank you."

Oh, man.

I'm from Washington DC, man.
No, Southeast Washington.

Southeast Washington.

If y'all motherfuckers
don't know what that is,

that shit is like
three Harlems and a half a Bronx.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Bad motherfucking
neighborhood, man.

My neighborhood
is so fuckin' bad,

mailmen leaves shit
on the corner, let you sort it out.

And I love black women.

Look at y'all.
God damn, look at y'all.

Oh, God damn. Look at her.

Girl, you ought to
give yourself five.

God damn, you look good.

Ooh. I like
all type of women, too.

Big, fat, short or tall.

But I love
big girls, see?

'Cause there's a difference
to makin' love to a big girl than a small girl.

I'm tellin' you, now.

See small girls,
you can do tricks on their little ass.

Can you do tricks
on that little ass?

You know what I'm saying?
Smack 'em on the ass, make 'em hit their head on the wall.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"Why you so raw?"

You know, the little girls
got that don't-hurt-me spot.

Fellas, you ever found that
"don't hurt me" spot?

Little women will tell ya,
"Don't hurt me."

Know damn well,
our mission will change to seek and destroy.

You will find that
"don't hurt me spot", am I right?

You'll be pokin' around
that motherfucker.

Just pokin' around
minding your own business.

Hit it, hit,
hit from the side.

You start goin' up inside.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

But see, my girlfriend,
any time I hit that spot,

she will bark
like a beagle, right?

I swear to God,
when I first hit it, when I first hit it,

the first time I hit it,
I tapped it, she said... [BARKING]

And the shit scared me,
so I backed up and I kind of looked at it.

Looked at the dog
and the dog is like,

[IN SCOOBY-DOO VOICE]
"I don't know."

He was runnin' 'round,
peein' on shit.

Peeing on the motherfucker.

Just peein'!

He was thinkin'
another fucking dog was in the house and shit,

just lookin' at
the motherfucker.

Every time I would hit
that little spot,

I'd get a little
rogue one there,

she'd go... [BARKING]

Get it real good, she go...
[BARKS LOUDER]

Motherfuckers
knockin' next door.

[KNOCKS]

You ain't supposed
to have no dogs.

[LAUGHTER]

But I'm full black.
I don't give a fuck.

I got a black car in
a black driveway,

in a black house, in a black
motherfucking neighborhood.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

I love black.

I even vote for Jesse again
if the nigga run,

even though we don't know
what the fuck he talkin' about half the God damn time.

You know Jesse'll make up
a word in the middle. Y'all know that.

Y'all niggas will
vote for him, too.

But see, y'all just think
Jesse just started that shit.

Jesse was makin' up words

when him and
Martin Luther King was together.

Long fucking time ago.

I'm serious, he was a young
nigga then. A bush nigga.

A nigga with a bush,
joggin' in the room.

"Martin?

"Martin?

"When we march on Selma,
Alabama, what we want to do is we want to..."

"Jogetize."

[IMITATING MARTIN LUTHER KING]
"Now come on, Jesse. You know that's not a word.

"I don't understand why
all my young brothers

"decide to come in here
and just make things up.

"But, Jesse, I just
wanna tell you that I'm still there with you.

"I'm there with you
from the problems in Vincent Hurst

"to the hilltops of Georgia.

"I'm still there with you.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"And if, Jesse,
anybody asks you about me,

"do not tell them that I won
the Nobel Peace Prize.

"That's not what
I want them to know!

"But tell them that
Martin Luther King Junior,

"never, ever, ever

"wore Jheri curls.
That's what I want my people to know."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND HOOTING]

Give it to a nigga.

Give it to a nigga.
I'm gonna earn mine.

Peace, my name
is Ted Carpenter.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yo, give him a round
of applause, man.

Teddy Carpenter.

Yo, you guys have truly
been a great audience

for me and my man,
Russell Simmons.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thank y'all for comin' out.
Good night and God bless you.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

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