All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s01e03.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Ladies and gentlemen
do me a big, big, big favor.

Put your hands together
for my main man, Mr. Martin Lawrence!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Yeah. Whassup?

Oh, y'all look good.
Y'all ready to have a good time tonight?

Hey nigga,
chill your ass out.

Ooh! You got
ears like me!

You're my cousin.

Hi. Sit your ass
down now.

Hey, how you doin'?
Hey, white...

♪ But you got jungle fever, you got jungle fever, you... ♪

How ya doin'?

How did I miss ya?

How the hell
did I miss her?

Ha, she's...
Don't get nervous now.

Be proud of your shit.
She gettin' red, too.

You're like, "Oh, fuck..."

"I told you
I didn't wanna come."

"I didn't know anything
about the Def Jam."

[AUDIENCE LAUGH]

"God!"

[LAUGHS]

We just fuckin...
We're family.

We're all family
and welcome.

[LAUGHING]

No, don't be
embarrassed.

I know when you walked in,
you was bad, too.

You was like, "Uh-huh."

"Reservations for two."
[LAUGHS]

Oh shit. [LAUGHS]

Nah, I'm just saying.
Don't be nervous now, that's cool.

We all...
We family. Look at...

Damn she...
Why you got your eyes all...

You just.

You all right?

I'm good.You look good, too.

[SIGHS]

Sorry, pussy just throws me.
You know, I...

Look at this
motherfucker. Hey!

How ya doin'?

Nah, you coolin', you know,
coolin' hangin' in there. Yeah.

Hey! Whatever, you know.

[LAUGHS]

What happened?
You can talk to me. I'm your motherfucker.

You can talk to me.
No, it looks good though, man.

I'd like y'all to give
my man...

I notice him
from the back.

He's here.
Malcolm Jamal Warner.

A round of applause
for comin' out.

Whassup, man?
You got a little dog with you?

[LAUGHS]

Malcolm bought
a little dog to the show.

[YAPPING]

What are you gonna laugh...
[YAPPING]

Whassup?

All right,
take the spotlight off him, spotlight man.

You're embarrassing him.

Good. Look at the brothers
over here. Whassup, man?

You got gold shit
in your mouth.

How much that cost?

A lot of
motherfucking money.

Knock your goddamn teeth
out for some gold teeth? Huh?

What's that you got?
You got like a baby Jheri curl.

That's real nice.

That's his real hair?

That's your real hair?Yeah.

I'm fucking amazed.

Women like motherfuckers
with good hair.

I don't know what
that shit is, man.

My sister is married
to a motherfucking convict,

but married him
because he had good hair.

I told her, "What the fuck
are you doing?"

She's like, "Uh-huh,
you don't understand."

"That motherfucker love me."

I said, "What the fuck
do you mean..."

"Okay, I'm gonna
tell you the truth."

"That motherfucker got
some good ass hair."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Any time we see black people
though, right, with good hair,

we always make
some goddamn excuse, don't we?

You know, we say,
"Damn baby, that's your hair?"

She say, "Yeah,
that's all me."

Said, "Damn,
that's real pretty.

"Just good...
Nice hair."

"Uh, well, you know
we got Indian in our family."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Uh-huh."

"On our mother's...
On her side, uh-huh."

Get the fuck outta here!
[LAUGHS]

[EXCLAIMS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

You're cute.
Very pretty woman.

I hate a pretty
motherfucking woman.

'Cause they're
hard to leave, man.

You know what I'm sayin'?
You can't walk out on the motherfuckers, right?

You know? What!

"I wasn't fuckin',
and if you can't understand me, fuck it!"

Hey, shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Why you doin' this to me?"

[LAUGHS]

That shit is hard.

So look y'all.
I'm gonna bring out my man.

First comin' to the stage.
Give it up for Vince D!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND LAUGHING]

Whassup, New York?

All the fellas give it up
for the ladies in the house. They lookin' good.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

I love me
a good lookin' woman,

but you know what?
It seems like nowadays y'all, women,

y'all just startin'
to want too goddamn much.

Fellas say those
last three words.

Too goddamn much.MEN: Too goddamn much.

I can't hear you, fellas.

AUDIENCE: Too goddamn much.

How many women here tonight
want a man with sensitivity? Clap your hands.

[WOMEN CLAPPING]

Just think about it

all you women
just clapped your hands. Just think about it.

One late night.
You and your man layin' in bed.

Somebody break in
the fuckin' house.

Your man's sensitive.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Y'all both get
your ass whooped.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Say it fellas!AUDIENCE: Too goddamn much.

Can't do
the regular shit anymore.

You lay on your back
and we lay on top of you

for two or three minutes and
get the shit over with.

Now they want it all
like this now.

They want hang from shit now.

They wanna wrap around
shit now.

You know what shit I hate
the worst, though?

That standin' up shit.

They want you to hold
they big ass up now and make love to her.

Can't hold their own ass up
no more.

Which is cool, right?
For about two or three minutes.

You know you workin'
and workin',

you know, like liftin' weights
and working so your muscles so long they get frigid?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

No fuck that.
Get yo ass on down here.

Say it fellas.BOTH: Too goddamn much.

And the worst
shit of all.

1990s.

You got to

eat coochie now.

You eat that stuff, man?

MAN: Yeah.

You eat
that stuff, man?MAN: Yeah.

You eat... You eat...

Yeah, I know you do
'cause you got some shit dried up right there.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Wipe that shit off!
Get a napkin. Wipe that shit off.

That shit can kill you, man.
Stop doin' that shit.

It almost killed me.

Now, I tried that shit
for the first time last week. I'm serious.

I ain't lyin'.

I went down, right?
It was cool. Kinda salty.

Had this twang taste to it.

I went down.
You know how you do it.

And I came and stuff was
like everywhere.

I didn't want to just get up
in the middle of sex

and just you know
wipe it off.

She knew then I didn't know
what I was doin'.

So you know
how I got it off, fellas?

I went on her legs, hey!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But it almost killed me
though, man. I'm serious. It almost killed me.

We got... I got back.
We start makin' love and it was so good.

I start callin' out
my own name.

Said, this is Vince D.
This is Vince D. I'm talkin' to her, right?

I got a piece of hair
stuck in my throat.

I was like, "Baby..."
[GAGGING NOISES]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[GAGGING]

[MOUTHING]

[GAGGING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm up here dyin', right?

She thought that shit
was so good.

She got up
and went to the phone and called her girlfriend.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Shanika.

"Girl, lemme tell ya,
I got some good stuff."

And you said, "Nah,
girl, your stuff was good."

"Girl, I let him eat some,
he over there dyin' right now."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You guys been great.
Vince D.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

You guys havin'
a good time so far? Did you enjoy him? Vince D.

Give him another
round of applause.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Sweetie, is it the light in
your face?

'Cause you just like...

And I'm thinkin' that ain't
all your hair, now?

Get into the show. Is it?

It's your hair?Yes.

Let me see. Fuck that.
Come here.

Fuck that shit.

No man, No man,
I'm checkin' now, man. Fuck that.

Okay. [LAUGHS]

Brother like,
"Pull the tail."

"She got a buckle in the
back of that motherfucker."

"Man, go to the back!"

All right, coming to the
stage is my man, yo.

He's most definitely from
the old school.

He's from L.A.
by way of St. Louis. Give it up for my man.

Funny motherfucker.

Rodney Winfield.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Fuck it.
We got to do it real fast.

I ain't got
but seven minutes.

Fuck that.
It take me seven minutes to get my dick out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I know it. I just wanted
to wake you up.

But niggas is back
makin' movies again like a motherfucker now.

We makin' movies
every motherfucking week.

We make a movie now.

White people thought
we was gonna make

Gone With the Windour
first motherfucking movie.

Ain't that a bitch?
If we kept doin' it, we'd get it right.

And now 'cause
white people make movies, to make themselves heroes.

Like Tarzan.

One white motherfucker
went to the jungle and took it over.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Huh. Swing through the
motherfucking trees and holler and shit.

Wrestle with alligators.

A nigga been livin' in
the jungle all his life

and couldn't say hello
to a motherfucking monkey.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Ain't that a bitch?

And I don't know where
they got niggas to play in the movie, too.

They be goin'
through the jungle with two bedroom apartments

on their motherfucking head.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Then they made
a scary motherfucking movie, The Exorcist,

about a little white bitch
that get attacked by the devil.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

It was supposed to be scary.
They had to have a nurse in the show with white folk.

They be passin' out,
"Ooh, the devil!"

Niggas was in there
eatin' popcorn, "Get the devil, bitch!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Go ahead.
Get the bitch."

And this little white girl
got possessed by the devil and she passed...

And she go, "Ugh!"

And spit on her momma
and shit like that.

That's why my sister
couldn't have never got possessed by the devil

'cause soon as she
spit on my momma,

that would have been
it for her

and the
motherfuckin' devil both.

Go home and spit
on a black momma and see what happen to your ass.

The devil be
out on Broadway or some motherfuckin' place.

[LAUGHS]

You see, niggas never
get possessed by the devil

'cause we got
too many problems already.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

'Cause I was...
As soon as my momma would've walked in the house,

my momma would've said,
"Girl, what the fuck's wrong with you?

"Got all that green shit
around your mouth."

"You been down there
fuckin' with them Mexicans again, ain't you?"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[CHUCKLES]

"You got guacamole
all over the motherfuckin' house."

[CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry Mexicans.
I love y'all.

You don't have to have
no green card. I wouldn't give a fuck.

I hope they bring
a hundred thousand more of you motherfuckers over here

'cause somebody gotta
wash these cars

and pick this fruit.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

And I ain't gonna do
a motherfucking thing never in life

'cause there's one thing
I found out about working.

It take a whole
motherfucking day.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Think I'm busy?
I got a job.

I'm lookin' for one. [LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And then they made Super Fly.

I don't give a fuck
what the black preacher said.

Kiss my ass.
I love Super Fly.

It was about
a cool motherfucker.

Snorted cocaine all day,
kicked the police ass,

had a custom Cadillac
and didn't go to the Army.

I love the motherfucker.

If I was the president
I'd make it a law

where every motherfucker
had to watch it once a week.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But the only thing
about that movie is it sent a lot of niggas

to the penitentiary
tryin' to do that shit for real.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I didn't even know
about cocaine till I saw the movie,

but I'm glad I saw it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Now I'm snortin' everything
I can get my nose on.

Salt [SNORTS].
Flour [SNORTS]. Baking powder [SNORTS].

Guy gave me some
pineapple coke last night. Massengill douching powder.

My nose ran all night.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I had to put a mini-pad
on the motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

That girl goin',
"Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm."

You'd be mad if you
didn't need one this month, would ya?

And this nigga
with you be mad, too.

[LAUGHTER]

Especially
if you haven't fucked yet.

[LAUGHTER]

[AUDIENCE HOOTING]

But you know what?

Nobody called up ABC, NBC
and CBS and tell 'em

to take Kotex commercials
off televisions.

They on television
all day long. I can't even eat my dinner.

I be eat the little greens
and hamhocks

and I put a little vinegar
on 'em

and the commercial
come back on,

"We done put
the vinegar back in the douche."

Now, what nigga
can eat lunch after that?

Then they got
another commercial

with a lady be runnin'
in slow motion.

She said, "Get a mini-pad."

"You can swim in it.
Comes in three different sizes."

"It got
a plastic strip on it."

Then they got a
lady with a great big ass turning.

"Makes me look like I
ain't wearin' nothing."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Ain't that a bitch?

I got a big TV, too.
Her ass just fall out on the living room floor.

I go up and feel
the motherfucker.

But one thing I wanna say,

you look beautiful tonight.

God damn it,
you look good,

and we glad of that
because it's hard to do a show

in front of a bunch
of ugly motherfuckers.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Normally ugly
people just pay extra money

sand rush their ugly ass
right down front, but you look nice.

I swear you do.

But I also must admit
there are a few ugly people

sprinkled here
and there around the room.

And you ugly motherfuckers
know who you are.

And the guy
sitting next to you knows you ugly, too.

Look at everybody lookin'.
No, you the ugly motherfucker.

But don't mess
with no ugly guy.

He'll kick your ass
'cause he's mad 'cause he's ugly.

They wanna put a scar
on your ass

so you be
uglier than they are.

You never saw a nice lookin'
person start a fight.

Always the ugly
motherfucker.

I think it ought to be a law
against two ugly people fuckin'.

You'll bring another
ugly motherfucker in the world.

And then they ain't got
nothin' to do and then you got crime.

You don't believe me?
Carry your ass down to jail.

Nothin' down there
but ugly motherfuckers.

I was the nicest
lookin' guy there.

I'm out of here,
ladies and gentleman.

Thank you very much.
Right on, baby.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Yeah, some of y'all,
he right though, are ugly and don't know it.

But y'all beautiful inside.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, ugly motherfuckers
sittin' like,

"He so crazy."

[LAUGHS]

All right.

Y'all havin'
a good time?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!Good.

Well, comin' to the stage
is my man.

Very funny motherfucker.
Y'all already know that.

He's from Chicago, Illinois.
Give it up for Bernie Mac.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Thank you, God damn it!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I know that
first thing you say,

that's a black motherfucker
that came out here.

I know I'm a black
motherfucker. I know I'm black.

I started to really shock
y'all this evening, you know?

I started with all black,
and some blue contact lenses.

I'd have fucked y'all up.

You know
you a black motherfucker

when you put
fingerprints on charcoal.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Let me tell you
something, now.

Let me tell you
something, now.

I'm married.
I been married for 14 years,

been with my wife
for 17 years.

And you know something, men?
Thank very much.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

But you know
something, men?

When you first get married,
your wife is happier than a sister with a bag of dicks.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Singin' and everything.

Man, when I first got married,
my wife was givin' me pussy by the pound.

Now I got to steal pussy.

If you don't know how
to steal pussy, I'm fixin' to teach you.

You gotta wait
till she go to sleep.

You're watching television,
you're watchin' her.

You're watching television,
you're watchin' her.

You're watchin' television,
and you're motherfucking watchin' her.

And they sleep.
Stealin' pussy is like war.

You gotta sneak up on it.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

And when they make
they move, they roll over.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Then you take these
two fingers

and you pull
the cover off.

Now they lyin' on they back.

Men, they ain't asleep.

You gonna run into
a problem, the panty.

When you start to
remove the panty, it gets stuck right here

'cause she's on her back.

But she'll help you.
She'll do something like, [SIGHS].

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Now you gotta slide 'em down,
you see?

You start slidin' 'em
down and now you gonna run into another problem

when you get 'em at the ankle.

When you just slide 'em off.
Now you gotta...

The legs are closed.

She'll help you
once again. [SIGHS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND LAUGHING]

Now fellas, when you start
to penetrate

and you get half of it in,

they gonna play
they don't feel nothin'.

But when you get it in,
stir it like coffee.

Stir it like
motherfucking coffee.

You know like that spoon
be in that cup,

clink, clink.
Go clinka, clinka, clinka, clink.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Stir that motherfucker
like coffee.

Now, when you get it in
and you start stirrin' like coffee,

that's when she open her eyes
and ask you a fucked-up question.

"Whatcha doin'?"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

"You know
what the fuck I'm doin'."

You ever notice
something, man?

How singers,
how they take original songs and make a remake?

And the remake sounds better
than the original song?

I wrote this song
my motherfucking self

called Take Me Out
to the Ball Game.

The black version.

[BEATBOXING]

[AUDIENCE VOCALIZING]

♪ Take...

♪ I said take, take...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS][BEATBOXING]

♪ I said take, take, take

[BEATBOXING]

♪ Me out

♪ To the ball

♪ Game

♪ Take

[BEATBOXING]

♪ I said take, take

[BEATBOXING]

♪ Me out

[BEATBOXING]

♪ With the crowd

[BEATBOXING]

♪ Now buy me some peanuts

♪ Buy me some peanuts

♪ Buy me

♪ Buy me, buy me,
buy me, buy me, buy me

♪ Take...

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I'm Bernie Mac!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Yo. Comin' to you.

We gonna keep
the laughs rolling,

so coming to you from
Cleveland, Ohio.

He's a powerfully,
funny black man.

Give it up for my man,
Steve Harvey.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Hey, y'all!
What's happening?

All right. How y'all?
How's everybody...

How y'all doin'?
I mean, how you really doin'?

[LAUGHS]

This has gotta be
an ass-puckerin' experience for you tonight, ain't it?

Yeah, they everywhere,
ain't they?

Yeah.

You know
how you feel right now?

That's how we feel
all the time.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS][LAUGHS]

It's a lot of pressure
being black ain't it?

It's hard.
Man, it's a hard job.

You can't get
no relief nowhere.

I don't care where you go.

You can go home.
You can cut your TV on. It's pressure.

I went home.
I tried to get a little relief.

Gonna watch sports,
sports channel. Cut it on.

The man said, "We bring to you
America's favorite sport, the America's Cup."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Now, who the hell
did they check with on this?

They say yachting is
America's number one sport.

You don't ever see
none of us yachting, do you?

Huh-huh.
After that first big boat ride,

huh-uh, we kind of lost
our taste for sailing.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

That's a little slavery humor
right there.

See, what we sayin' is
before we get on anybody else's boat,

we want to know
where it's goin',

and more important than that,
what time it's due back.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, hey man.
I kid about racism,

but racism
is a serious problem in this country, man.

It's the number one thing we
got happenin'.

And you know who
keep racism alive in this country?

The media.
It's the media, man.

The media got it goin' on.

And you know they do it to us,

'cause they don't put
nothin' but negative stuff about us in the news.

Mike Tyson stay in the news.

That poor brother can't get
out the news.

I'm a Mike Tyson fan.
I love Mike Tyson, man.

I love Mike.
Mike, hang in there brother, wherever you at.

'Cause Mike Tyson bad.

See, but all his trouble
started with the media right here in New York.

It started right
here two years ago.

He been in trouble
ever since that day.

You remember the incident.

He got in a fight in New York
with Mitch Blood Green.

Right here, got in a fight
in a store late night over a leather coat.

He hit Mitch Green in the eye.
Mitch was on the news for two weeks.

Telling the same lie.

"All I did was,
I walked in the store,

"and then Mike Tyson
hit me in the eye."

And then he pulled his
glasses off.

Did you see his eye?
His eye was just hanging out his head.

And a funny thing
happened at that moment.

His eye took over
the interview.

His eye was on TV going,
"Oh, I'll tell you what happened.

"First of all, Mitch is lyin'.

"Mike Tyson walked
in the store minding his own damn business.

"We walk in behind him.
Me and Mr. Big Mouth right here.

"Now, we in the store mad
at the champ 'cause he got money and we ain't."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"No, we ain't got no money.

"We had some money,
we'd have bought a pair of safety glasses.

"Next thing I know,
Mr. Big Mouth calls Mike Tyson a sissy.

"Aw, hell no!

"I yell upstairs
to that stupid ass brain,

"'Tell Mitch to shut up.'

"Too late. Mike heard him.

"I look down
and it's on the way.

"The heavyweight champ's
fist is comin' towards my face.

"I just said,
'Lord, lord, lord.'"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Now, it's approaching
my face, but I feel pretty good

"'cause it looks like
he gonna hit us in our big ass mouth.

"Well, hell!
That's right where he ought to hit us,

"but I look up and it's comin'
right at me, and I say..."

[SCREAMS]

"Next thing I know, pow!
God damn! Right in the eye.

"And that's what the hell
happened."

That's it for me, y'all.
I had a good time.

Remember Redd Foxx.

Thanks a lot.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[BEAT PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Hey, hey, hey.

Yo. You guys have truly
been a great audience.

I want to bring my man out
who made it possible. Russell Simmons.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

God bless y'all.
Thanks for coming out. See you next week.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

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