Original subtitles

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

? Songs that made the hit parade

? Guys like us, we had it made

? Those were the days

? And you knew where you were then

? Girls were girls and men were men

? Mister, we could use a man

? Like Herbert Hoover again

? Didn't need no welfare state

? Everybody pulled his weight

? Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

? Those were the days ?

-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.com ] ==-

Oh, honey, uh, you look a little tired.

What do you say we relax,

cuddle up on the couch and turn the TV on?

Nah.

What do you say? We relax, cuddle up on the couch and turn each other on.

I'm sorry, Michael, but the only chance I get to do my housework

is when Joey's asleep.

Yeah. You know, I've been thinkin',

we can use a trip some place.

What do you, what do you, what do you think about a second honeymoon?

A second honeymoon, where?

How about upstairs?

Someone's in a romantic mood.

Yeah, I was hopin' you would be, too.

You know, uh, honey, lately you... you haven't had much time for me.

Oh, Michael, I haven't had much time for anything lately.

I've got a baby to take care of, you know,

and he's startin' to get diaper rash.

Yeah. You also have a husband to take care of

and he's startin' to get pimples again.

You just don't realize how much work there is to do in this house.

No, I know. I know.

Maybe, uh...

Maybe we should get another woman to help out.

I don't need a woman to help me.

I was talkin' about me.

Honey, what I'm tryin' to say is that I just don't feel loved.

I mean, that spontaneity is goin' out of our marriage. Oh, come on.

No, I mean, before we had Joey,

we did whatever we wanted to, whenever we wanted to.

That's how we got Joey.

I'm not laughin'.

Oh, Michael, babies need lots of attention.

You do love your son, don't you?

Yeah, yeah. I love him and I love you.

Oh, and I love you, too.

How come in a house that's so full of love, I'm not gettin' any?

You know what it is, you know what it is.

You... You're over-concerned with Joey.

You're overprotective.

You're... You're smothering him with attention.

You know, psychiatrists call that momism.

You know what that can cause?

Homosexuality, that's right.

Oh, Michael, I've never heard so much misinformation.

Y-You think you could go that way?

Not me. Joey.

I'm not laughing again.

Oh, well, then don't accuse me of momism.

I'm no different than any other new mother.

What time is it? Uh.

Mmm. It's 12:00! So what?

But Joey should be awake by now.

That's exactly what I'm talkin' about.

Gee, if you, if you spend half as much time with me as you do with Joey,

I would be ecstatic.

I read about this. The husband who's jealous of his own child.

You're a textbook cliche.

You are quoting textbooks to me, a college instructor?

Gloria, you are the cliche.

The overprotective mother who accuses the neglected husband of jealousy,

but it is all a defense mechanism

to cover her own guilt feelings.

Meanwhile, tensions between the husband and wife mount,

which creates anxiety and insecurity in a child,

which causes neurosis in later life.

Yeah, I saw that story on Medical Center.

No, you're not only a cliche, you're a rerun.

Gloria, I...

I'm just not feeling important in your life anymore.

Michael.

Don't you ever feel that way.

You... You're the most important thing in the world to me.

You're my husband, you're my life.

You're the dearest, the sweetest, the sexiest...

The baby's awake. Damn it! Wait a second, wait a second.

Wait a second. I think he stopped.

Yeah, he was probably just cryin' in his sleep a little bit.

But... Like I've been doin' lately.

I should... Yeah, you should, you should. You should, what?

You should what? You should kiss your husband, that's what?

Oh, jeez.

Let's not cause a draft, Edith.

If they sneeze now they'd kill each other.

Excuse us. Come on, Archie, we're interrupting.

Where are we goin'? I'm where I wanna be, here.

Hiya, Daddy. Hi, little girl.

Hi. Hi, Ma.

Well, bring Joey out. I wanna look at him.

Arch, uh, you wanna take Joey for a walk? Oh, yeah.

No, no, no. I'm not walkin' him in this filthy city here.

Jeez, between the pigeons and the dogs,

you don't know whether to look up or look down.

Ma, uh, Gloria and I were thinkin' of catching an early movie.

Would you mind takin' Joey for the afternoon?

Oh, no! We'd love it.

And that's nice. A matinee is always nice.

Yeah, I'd love a matinee.

What picture are you gonna see?

Oh, well, we were gonna go to the Loews.

Loews don't have a matinee. They don't open till 6:00.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't you know what he means by matinee?

Sure.

I don't think you do.

Forget it. I'll tell you on your next birthday.

Oh!

The light come on.

I'll get Joey.

Oh, no, no, no, no, Mom. He's not awake yet.

Wait a second! I think I heard him! I heard him!

Joey, we heard you!

Darling, that's all right. Grandma's coming. Stop crying!

Yeah, and I didn't hear nothin' up there.

It's a father's ears, Arch, a father's ears. Oh.

Uh, Gloria, why don't you go get the formula, huh? That's nice.

Hey, uh, Arch, look,

I really appreciate you takin' Joey for the afternoon.

I-It means a lot to me.

Jeez.

I mean, don't get me wrong, Meathead.

It ain't that I'm against it, but you know, it's only 12:00 in the morning.

You know, what the hell? Maybe Joey needs a new little brother, huh?

Come on. Could be, you know.

A brother's a nice thing to have. Brothers help each other in life.

They move right up the line to get right to the top.

For instance, take your Roosevelt brothers, Franklin and Teddy.

Your Rockefeller brothers, Nelson and Eddie, hmm?

And here is the first of the Stivic brothers.

Shh! He's asleep.

Here are the bottles, Ma. Okay.

Oh, and did you remember these are for his diaper rash?

Yeah, yeah, don't worry. We'll take good care of him.

Okay. Oh, and, Ma, don't forget to turn him over once in a while.

Oh, sure. Oh, jeez.

Now she'll be flippin' him all day like a flapjack.

Okay, bye. Bye. Bye.

I'm all yours.

What's the matter?

Uh...

I... I don't... I don't know.

But, Michael, this is what you wanted and we're here alone now.

Yeah, but, uh...

I-It just seems so planned.

It is.

I mean, I w-w-was hopin' that when it happened,

it would happen the way it used to, you know, spontaneously.

What do you want, a massage?

Not if you ask that way.

And if you're gonna give me a massage,

don't tell me you're gonna give it, just start givin' it.

Don't you see if you tell me it ruins the surprise? Jeez.

All right. Just do something to surprise me.

I can't, Michael.

I'm not in the mood.

I don't feel well.

Oh, what's the date today? Oh, no.

Surprise!

That's terrible!

That's... That's not the kind of surprise I meant.

If you give me a surprise, it's supposed to make me happy.

That didn't make me happy.

All right, look, look, look. All right, wait, wait.

All right, c-come here, come here.

L-Look, this is what I'm talkin' about. Now watch this.

You see that's spontaneous.

Um... All right, wait. Here we go.

Oh, now you're gonna carry me upstairs?

Well, don't say it!

I mean, Gloria, if you're gonna say it

that takes the spontaneity out of it.

I'm sorry. Then carry me out to the kitchen.

Damn it! That was my second idea.

Now, look, Gloria, will you just please don't say anything?

Let me think of somethin' else spontaneous to do.

Take as long as you want. It's the first time I've been off my feet all day.

All right, I'll tell you what.

We'll go over to the couch.

I can think a lot better on the couch.

It's a very spontaneous piece of furniture.

Here we go. Wait a minute.

Where are you? What's the matter?

I think I hear Joey.

What are you... What are you talkin' about? I don't hear anything.

No, I heard Joey crying.

Gloria, wait. You couldn't possibly hear him crying, he's next door.

You probably heard a cat.

Michael, I'm sure it's Joey.

I better call Ma and see if somethin's wrong.

Oh, I just can't stand to think about my baby crying.

Gloria, I'm tellin' you, it... it isn't Joey.

It's that cock-eyed cat that keeps bangin' into the garbage cans.

I hope so.

Hi, Ma, is Joey crying?

Aha! He is crying.

Why is he crying, Ma?

Then the phone woke him up. Aha.

Well, I'll be right over. Bye. Wait. What are you...

I'll be back in a minute. Wait a second. Where... Where are you goin'?

Hey, w-what about me?

Michael, I can't do anything when my baby's crying.

You can't do anything when the baby's crying.

You can't do anything when the baby's asleep!

You're afraid you might wake him up!

You can't do anything when he's up 'cause you want him to go to sleep!

You can't do anything ever!

Gloria, the only way you could do anything for me is if I have a damn diaper rash!

You just don't understand, do you?

When you come home from work your day is done,

so for you it's playtime!

But for me, it's still work time.

Joey keeps me busy 24 hours a day.

And when I take a lunch break, it's not mine, it's his.

And as for diaper rash, I'm surprised you don't have it

'cause you're acting like a baby.

Gloria! Gloria, I'm warnin' you!

When you come back, I'll still be here.

Aw, jeez.

Well, do you want some more coffee?

Never mind the coffee. I'm hungry, I need more food.

Oh, no. No, you gotta stick to your diet. That's all you get.

The diet is leavin' me weak.

God forbid I belch. I'd blow myself over backwards.

Hi. Did Joey stop crying? Oh, hi.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He's all right.

Oh, he's such a good baby.

I sung him a lullaby and he shut his eyes tight.

He was probably flinchin', Edith.

I, uh, I think maybe I'll have some coffee.

Oh, good.

Uh, Daddy, would you mind if we had a little private talk?

Oh, not at all, little girl. Leave us alone, Edith. My girl wants to talk to me.

Oh, no, Archie. I think Gloria wants to talk to me.

Is that what you meant?

Just for a few minutes. Why don't you go look at Joey.

I looked at Joey, and why ain't he got no hair?

Why don't you watch TV?

There's no sports or movies on TV.

Only kiddy crapola and dopey educations.

You... You could go upstairs and take a nap.

I can't sleep. The tree is scratchin' the house again.

I know what I'll do. I know. I'll go down to Kelcy's.

Oh, no, no, your diet. No beer.

Your diet. No beer.

How the hell am I gonna kill a little time?

Why don't you go over and visit with Michael?

That'll kill it, all right.

Gloria, is something wrong?

Ma, when I was a baby,

did Daddy ever complain that you were neglecting him?

Oh, sure.

But every time I brung you a bottle,

I made sure I gave Archie a beer.

No, Ma, I don't mean that kind of neglect.

I mean, you know.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Ma, can't we please talk about it?

You know somethin'? When you was a baby I had the same problem.

But I... I couldn't talk it over with my mother.

In those days we didn't even have them books

like Everything You Always Wanted To Know About...

Mmm...

And Was Afraid to Ask.

Did you read that? Oh, no.

Oh, so then you still don't know everything.

That's right. And I'm still afraid to ask.

But, Gloria...

Well, do you think Mike has a right

to feel the way you say he feels?

All I know is that Joey keeps me so busy

that the idea of sex just doesn't appeal to me right now.

It's like I've sort of put that part of me away on a shelf.

Oh, Gloria, you're overtired and overworked.

Oh, lots of young mothers feel that way with a new baby.

Why don't you just talk it over with Mike

and tell him how you feel?

I can't.

He's a man and it would be

a terrible blow to his male ego

to feel his wife doesn't want him.

He just doesn't understand that right now,

I don't want anybody, not even Robert Redford.

Oh, my...

You are tired.

Mama, was there ever a time when you lost your feelings for Daddy?

Well, yeah.

There was times when I put myself in mothballs.

But, Gloria, that didn't mean I didn't love your father

'cause, uh, marriage is more than two people turnin' out the lights

and not goin' to sleep.

Oh, Gloria, you gotta realize there's two men in your life now,

a big one and a little one.

And they both need attention.

So you gotta make time for Mike.

You gotta find time to talk with him and take walks with him.

Go to the movies with him, and pretty soon you'll be surprised

what else you're doin' with him.

Oh, Ma.

Well... Huh?

Make a move, will youse? Spider is startin' to build a web in your cards.

I'm sorry, Arch. Who-Whose turn is it?

It's yours. Oh.

Gin.

What's the matter? We're playin' hearts.

Sorry, I can't concentrate.

You're tellin' me.

You're fightin' with Gloria there.

Just because youse two have a fight I get kicked outta my house.

Hey, Arch?

You think I can have my old room back?

Just... Just for a couple of days.

Just for a couple of days? Yeah.

No.

Last time you moved in there for a couple of days you stayed for five years.

Well, I guess I'll have to call a friend.

Oh, what are you doin' that for?

You can never solve a problem by running away from it there.

Jeez, if Edith and me went runnin' outta the house every time we had a fight,

you realize how many nights she would have spent in the park?

What the hell were you fightin' about anyhow?

Arch, you don't wanna hear about it.

Certainly I wanna hear about it. What is it?

Sex. I don't wanna hear about that.

Now there's certain subjects you should only be talkin' about in a whisper

and in very special places like a saloon.

Hey, how about we go down to Kelcy's?

Arch, you're not supposed to go down there.

If we can't talk about it here,

what difference is it gonna make goin' down to Kelcy's?

All right, bigmouth. You wanna talk about it here,

talk about it here but keep it clean.

Well, ever since Joey came along,

Gloria doesn't seem to have too much time for me.

If you know what I mean.

Oh, jeez.

She had time for you before, hadn't she?

Yeah.

So you got a surplus. You're way ahead.

Arch.

Put your mind on other things.

Like what?

I don't know. Anything. Do... Run around the block.

When you come back you jump into a shower,

you top that off with watching Johnny Carson.

That's what he's there for, to cool people off.

Arch, I didn't get married to run around the block and watch Johnny Carson.

Forget about it. You don't understand.

What are you talkin' about? I understand plenty.

Hey, Edith and me wasn't no different from you and Gloria.

One time,

we was two very young and romantic people very deeply in love.

When I come back after three years in Italy,

uh, I was pretty lively there.

I needed, she kept up with me.

'Til she had Gloria and then things was different there, see.

She became a new young mother like Gloria's a new young mother.

And with all new young mothers, uh,

you know, they, uh, they get a sense of what you call maternalcy.

Well, w-what happens to us?

We gotta wait until the maternalcy wears off,

and the, and the wife will see you recompensated.

But you gotta be strong.

Don't read nothin'.

And don't go runnin' out to the dirty movies.

You stay home, you watch TV,

but only the old movies where they never done nothin, see.

Arch, how... how long is a guy supposed to wait?

For as long as it takes.

What the hell are you complainin' about?

Other guys do it.

Take guys in prison.

You know what they do? Don't do that.

Just be patient there and just wait until Gloria gets back in the mood.

Deal the cards.

Hi. I'm back.

We wasn't talkin' about nothin', little girl. Just playing cards.

Um...

Daddy, would you mind if we had a talk alone?

No. Not at all, little girl.

Take off, Meathead. My daughter wants to talk to me.

Arch, I... I think she means with me.

What, again with this here?

Yeah, I'm sorry. Daddy! Daddy, no, no, no, you're on a diet.

Of course you two have one fight,

I get thrown outta two houses.

Now keep your mouth shut about the pie!

I'm... I'm sorry I yelled at you.

I'm sorry I got mad at you.

Guess I haven't been very good company lately, huh?

I know.

Gloria, but I... I understand. I mean, you're very busy with the baby.

Thank you, Michael.

You're welcome, Gloria.

Would you like to take a walk or maybe go to a movie?

You really want to?

Yeah.

Nah, y-y-you're tired. We'll just stay home and play cards.

Thank you, Michael.

You're welcome, Gloria.

That was spontaneous.

Thank you, Gloria.

You're welcome, Michael.

I love you.

I love you, too.

All in the Family was recorded on tape

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