All language subtitles for Eddie Izzard Live from Wembley (2009) [1080p] [WEBRip] [YTS.MX] sub English

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

Madison Square Garden.

New York City.

I started my career in London,
at Covent Garden,
as a street performer.

Covent Garden
is an area in London.

We used to call it
"the Garden."

We used to go out
and do shows in the Garden.
And now I'm at The Garden.

A long fucking way.

And it's
the American Dream, baby.
It's the American Dream.

But in fact, I'm European,
so it's the European dream.

So, God...

I'm actually nervous.

Thank you. I don't care.
I'm here.

Yes, so, um... Tonight I thought
I'd talk to you about everything

that's ever happened.
Um, with some gaps.

And... And that's because
you people,
you are the chosen people.

Not chosen by God,
but self-choosing
chosen people.

But I'm happy
if there's to be a God.

If there is some
rhyme and reason
to what He's doing,

I'm happy if He can come down
right now and explain himself.

Never comes.

He's never come to
any of my gigs.

We send invites.
We put them up the chimney.

Santa Claus came
one time.

I'm hoping that
if he did come,

he'd come there,
and I'll be looking like this.
He'd turn up there.

And I'll be like, "Hey."

That'd be to show
he has a sense of humor.

But I can prove
there is no God.

There's two little proofs
I have here.

One, that he doesn't
fucking come down, ever.

And two, if there was a God,
he would've flicked
Hitler's head off.

- Don't you think?

'Cause you know,
some people say, "Oh, God's
not supposed to intervene."

Well, fuck off then,
you know?

A lot of people have gotten
to a lot of cold stone buildings

and mumbled very
positive things towards Him.

He could at least have flicked
Hitler's head off,
don't you think?

Hitler left clues.

That book Mein Kampf,
which is German for,
"I'm gonna kill everyone."

And he was doing
those speeches.

You know,
he doesn't look like he was
talking about happiness, was he?

He was going,
"I'm gonna kill them.

"I'm gonna blow them up.
I'm gonna cut them up."

And during
one of those speeches,
if God had just put his arm.

through the building,
in a Monty Python style.
And just gone...

And all the Nazis would go,
"Hey!"

"God, we got a leader
who can do that
with their head.

"Yeah, Nazis.
Number one, Nazis.

"Number one, Nazis."

"His head has come off."

Let's join the Farmers' Party,
shall we?

No, we're just... we're just
going for a whiz. Thanks.

Which means pee.
I was an agnostic,
which is, you know,

it was a good place to be,
in case He is there. And you go,
"No, I really did.

"I was with you.
I was, you know."

I decided, I'm an atheist
or nontheist.

I just don't believe
in the floaty boat. And...

Yeah. Apparently, there are

a billion people
who don't believe in God
in the world.

So, quite a big
sort of congregation.

I don't know if that's
the right word, is it?

Quite a big group,

if we could all get together,
and do nothing.

What's He doing?

If there is a God,
He has more than one son.

I'm pretty sure of that.
I think Jesus proves that.

Aesus, besus, cesus, desus,
eesus, fesus, Jesus.

Just logic, yeah?

Hesus, iesus, Jesus,
kesus, lesus...

Pesus, pesus, the deliveries.
Pesus.

Jesus, always fucking around.
Fuck off, Jesus.

He's fucking tied
me bits together.

Cesus was a Roman Emperor.
Oh, fuck.
Dictator, I should say.

And then Besus,
covered in bees.

So, yes, there's God.
God must be crazy.

I just...
Well,

The beginning
of the world, right?

Beginning of the world
is 4,500 million years ago.

If you're very religious,
it's 6,000 years ago.

They're on
a totally different wicket.

I just... I can't go
with the religious boys,

'cause the science boys,
they've got glasses,

they've got anoraks,
they've got petri dishes,

they've got Bunsen burners
with two speeds.

That one and that one.

They're working at it.
They're looking
at magnetic fields.

4,500 million years ago,
the world...

Place your bets.
Place your bets.
Start spinning.

We turn up
five million years ago.

Why the long pause?

If a God created the Earth,
I wanted the seventh day
for prayer.

"Why the long pause?"
as the barman said to the bear.

And the bear replied,
"'Cause they've gotten stuck
in the lift door."

It's an old joke
from the beginning of time.

So... Now, the dinosaurs,

I thought between us,
and the beginning of time,

that dinosaurs
ruled the Earth during this.
But, no.

Dinosaurs right up close to us,
165 million years.
So a long time.

We've been doing five,
they did 165.
And the dinosaurs are crap.

A hundred and sixty-five
million years
of these bastards,

they all got up in the morning,
and all of them,
without even saying...

even the flying ones,
they got up in the morning
and they just went...

That's it.

There's no other bit.

There's no... Later on,
they did some serious work.

They're just big dogs.

And not friendly.
Not with the licky-face
friendly stuff.

They're rubbish.

Except the Raptors.

I must admit, the Raptors,
they are, you know,
in the Spielberg film,

those Raptors, they got in,
they opened the door.

They're quite clever.
They downloaded porn
from...

Playing card games.
And I don't know what they do.

But they seem quite clever.

And they look
at about our height, as well.

You put a little pork pie hat,
little small...

little small
trilby type hat on a Raptor,

and I think, you know,
it looks like one of us.
It could pass as one of us.

"Is this your car, sir?"

Yeah.

"Do you realize
how fast you were going?"

"Ooh. Oh."

"Very busy."

"I realize you're very busy,
but there's rules."

"You were doing
53 miles an hour."

"53?"

"45."

"No, it was 53.
I've got a... finger."

"Now, laughing
at your own jokes, then."

-"Could you show me
your license?"

"Fuck, it's a Raptor.

"It's a Raptor.
Sarge, Sarge, sarge.
Where's sergeant?"

There's always
extra police in here.

"Sarge.

"Give me the bazooka."

Poof!

Shit. Thanks so much.

I never knew
how to end that scene. So I just
kill things with bazookas now.

I got that from you.

It's kind of an
American Foreign policy thing.

"Hi. How are you?
Yeah, good to see you."

"All right, bye."

"Why did you kill me?"
"I didn't know
what to say."

What? What?
Yes, and then?

So dinosaurs, dinosaurs...

crapola.

Uh, and they didn't pray.

No dinosaur churches,
we're pretty damn sure.

We've talked to a lot of people
who dig things out of ground.

And they said no dinosaur...
Very few dinosaur vicars,
or priests going...

Thank you very much.

A few used to do that.
When you had to
go to church,

You go in. And then some people
go down and do...
Praying on their own.

"What are you doing?
He hasn't started yet.

Getting some in early?"

"Oh, you wanna go to heaven,
don't you?"

I don't think
I'm going to heaven,
by the way, guys.

Anyway, so...

And then dinosaurs...

"Welcome to today's...

"Now sing hymn 409,
All Things Bright
and Beautiful."

♪ Great and small

♪ All things wise
And wonderful

♪ They don't live on the planet
At the moment ♪

Who would make that?

What God would create monsters
for 165 million years,

that just go...

A God on crack cocaine,
ladies and gentlemen.

"Jesus. Besus, Desus,
Ensus, look.
Look at these crazy ones."

"Dad, they're monsters."
"I thought I'd start off
with monsters."

"You've done nothing
for four billion years
and they're monsters."

"You gotta try this stuff."

"It's called crack."

"Obviously, after 165 billion
years, one said, "Come on now."

-"Missed."

"Oh, that'll work."

"Who did that
with my dinosaurs?"
"It wasn't me."

"Besus, Ensus."

"I didn't fucking do anything."

"Ensus, Elsus, Kasus,
get Zedsus over here."

"Uncle Jesus."
"Oh, you're fucking
in England now."

The E-ZPass... The E-ZPass.
I... we say zed.

So the E-ZedPass,
'cause I kept going
through the tunnel and...

The E-ZedPass...

Why the fuck is it called
the E-ZedPass?

Could not get that
for a few years.

E-ZedPass. The E-ZedPass.

The E-ZedPass.
The E-ZedPass. The E-ZedPass.

E-ZedPass.

A bloke called E-Zed built it.
I don't know.

That must have been
the, the, the, the...

What are they called?
The... Who're the guys
in the boat?

Who...
The pilgrims.

- What?
The pilgrims.

Who?

No, the guys who came over
in the Plymouth Rock?

The Pilgrims.
- Pilgrims. Pilgrims. Thanks.

This is scripted.
This is scripted.

All these people
telling me stuff
I planned for that to happen.

I can't remember
what I was gonna say now.

Now when they came...
Obviously the Pilgrims,
they gone on a boat

and they said,
"All right. Fuck Zed, okay?

"We're not gonna say
Zed anymore. We're gonna
say Zee, all right?

"Then we can do
the whole E-ZPass.
It'll make, all right?"

"Come on, we're gonna
talk like this now. Yeah."

Whoo. Yeah.

"We're gonna pray in such an
extreme way, that maybe we'll
set fire to witches. Yeah.

"Salem, that sounds good.
Let's head up there."

When Salem happened,
we weren't doing anything.

We were being really nice.

So dinosaurs,

bye-bye.
We turn up
five million years ago.

And it gets interesting
around the Stone Age.

Before the Stone Age,
I'm not sure how we hunted.

'Cause we didn't have stones
to hit things with.

So it must have just been...

You know...

And sometimes, "An ox.
There's an ox
stuck in the mud.

"We could kill it and eat.
Guys, I'm starving.

"Help me.
Where is everyone?"

"Fuck it.
Oh, help my hand.

"Ah! For fuck's sake."

"Stupid stone."

Ah!

"That'll work. That'll work.

"Hi. You're stuck in the mud?"
God, it's March...

"It's the rainy season.
It's April, rainy?
I don't know.

"We haven't got
words for it yet."

-"Is that a badger?"

"Yes!"

"Guys, guys."

"What is it, Steve?
What is it?"

"I've invented something."
"What?"

"Ow!

"That's genius."
"I thought we should
call it something."

"Actually, this could be
the beginning of an age.
Do you realize that?"

"Well, that's what I thought."
"We'll call it the age of
big things that fall over

"when hit by small, dense things
that are a much denser
on the periodic table."

"Stone Age."
"Stone Age, yeah.
That's more pithy."

So the Stone Age began,
probably on a Tuesday,

at about half 3:00.

The stones were used as
hitting tools, cutting tools.

You could cut the skin
off an animal
that no longer needed it.

"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Steady."
"Not a problem."

"Thank you so much."

"I will wear it with pride."

"People of these caves..."

"People...
People of the caves,

"where I live by the hill
with the thing...

"And now
I wear... [GROANS]"

"Steve, you're gonna hang it up
till it dries.

"Otherwise you're just
gonna be Lord of the Flies."

"Shut up, Piggy."

"Oh, oh, now everyone thinks
you're very literate, now.

"Since you read the book
that you got for Christmas."

"Shut the fuck up."

"I'm doing a show
at Madison hexagonal arborie."

So, the Stone Age began.

Now, stone napping is the art
of getting a stone,

looking for the folds
in the stone,
and you chip away.

It's not just a
haphazard chipping thing.

You chip away with the natural
faults in the stone,

and then you make arrowheads
and axe heads
and stuff like that.

And they believe
that stone napping,

the art of it, was passed on
with the use of language.

They think,
that language was developed

to pass this on,
about 100,000 years ago.

Now, before language,
I don't see how
you can have religion.

I think we've been searching
for God ever since then.

But before that,
you can't have a God
or religion.

I think, this is my analysis
here, because how
can you articulate

a vengeful God,
a merciful God
with no words?

How can you go...

And I have learned
all this stuff
through Wikipedia.

- Yes.

Now people frown and moan
a bit about Wikipedia.

Oh, the information can be
tampered with.
But, before Wikipedia,

we just had conversations
that went like,
"How do you make jam?

"Steve, Freddie, Sally,
Mr. Mingi,

"Lady Bad Crumble,
Kenny? Rogers?"
Two people.

And if they didn't know,
if you all your friends
didn't know, that was it.

You wouldn't know about jam.

You wouldn't join a library
and get the books.

You'd just forget it.

But now you can look up
on Wikipedia.

Jam, Wikipedia goes,
"Jam was invented in 1497,

"by Mr. and Mrs. Jam."
And after about five lines,

you get bored out of your mind,
have you noticed?

And then, there's something
written in blue,
and it's underlined,

and you click, and then goes,
helicopters. "Helicopters
was invented in 1783

"by Mr. and Mrs. Helicopter,
often used to transport
jam around..."

Helicopters... spoon!

"Spoon is often...
Make helicopters
out of spoons,

"if you're really clever."

And sometimes,
you click on a blue thing,

and it says, "There is no page
for this thing."
And we go,

"Why did you put it in blue?"

"Don't put it in blue
if you haven't got a page."

Because we have trained...
Self-trained, we are.

Like... like Pavlov's dog.

Remember? Pavlov would
ring a bell, and the dog would
make a pavlova.

Tick, tick, tick, ding.

Pavlov'd go,"That's a big crap."
And the dog'd go,
"I've got no thumbs."

But we learn about this stuff
all on our computers.

I have an
Apple Macintosh computer,
you may have a PC,

it doesn't really matter.

It does, really.

Is that the future wars?
There's gonna be people
coming up,

hitting each other
with computers.

But Apple Macintosh, you know,
it's very smooth and sexy.

You can touch it,
and have sex with people,
and they're fine.

And you're
tip-tapping away these days,

and the thing come says,
"Would you like
a software update?"

And you go, "Yeah,
I don't see why not."

It's like a latte thing.

It says, "You just carry on
working, and we'll update it
while you're doing it." Okay.

"Would you like to know details
of the software update?"
You go, "No."

Well, sometimes you go,
"Yeah."

And it goes
and you go, "I don't know
what that means."

There's... just...

Updating security.
"Oh, that's pretty good."

Spoon-bending monkey chaps
and they go...

"Oh, okay, we'll take them all."
And then it puts up
the blue line.

The blue line of time
appears on our screens,

And the blue line
controls our lives.

It has... It has controlled time
in a way that Einstein
never believed possible.

For we are sitting there,
tapping away, and it says
"8 minutes to download."

"7 minutes to download.
6 minutes to download,
8 minutes to download."

"2 minutes to download."

"9 hours to download."
"6 seconds to download."

"8 minutes to download."
Einstein would have gone,
"What the..."

"E... E does not equal
MC squared.

"E equals PN
to the 5 times 10
to the monkey 9."

And then it says,
"Okay, download."
All the numbers count out,

and then it does that
stripey one and it goes,
"Oh, thinking about it,

"thinking about it. Oh,
I don't know. Shall we
give him the update?

"I don't know.
I think about it."

Someone's putting things
in drawers and shit. And before
you're gonna get the update,

it says,"Sign a new
agreement with iTunes."

And I don't know about you,
but I have signed
many agreements with iTunes.

I don't know
what they want from us anymore.

Don't they realize
we agree with them?

They must be paranoid
at iTunes going,

"We must ask them again,
one more time,

"if they really, truly..."

"we've asked them 38 times."
"No, one more."

"I'm just not sure
if they agree with us."

And, they have
made us liars.

We cannot tell
the truth anymore.

You cannot reprimand
your children.

"No, Johnny, you said you said
you didn't have a biscuit,

"but there's crumbs on your face
and you did have a biscuit.
You have lied."

"But you said you had read
the terms and conditions,

"when you ticked that box."

"It was too quick for you
to read
the terms and conditions.

"You read it
in a blink of an eye."

The truth is, no one in this
room has read
the terms and conditions.

No one in New York
has read
the terms and conditions.

No one in the universe...

Even God has not read
the terms and conditions.

That's probably the big gap
between the beginning
of the Earth

and when we fucking turned up,
he was reading
the terms and conditions

of the thing he'd just made.
'Cause anything could be
on the terms and conditions.

Anything could be on there.

"We'll take your buttocks
and sell them to the Chinese."
"Fine, fine."

"We're going to re-arrange
your toes and number them."
"Yes, yes."

"I'm going to put your
underpants in hedges,
around the world."

"Yes, fine."
'Cause you get to that point,
you want the update.

You didn't know what it was,
but now you fucking want it.

"Give me the fucking update."

And then,
you get the update.

And, nothing has changed

If you have a PC, I think
it's a very similar thing.

You open the computer,
you switch on the computer,

you put the handle in,
and you turn the handle...

Then, in a loud voice,
in a clear voice,

you have to say, "Chucks away."
And they pull away wooden wedges
from your computer.

And it begins to rumble.

And a man walks ahead of you,
with a red flag.

Then you put on
the 78 record,

and, on the needle.
And an opera singer
tells you about the updates.

I've worked up...
By the way,
anyone could do opera.

Just get a huge PA system,
an aircraft hangar
and a microphone.

Anyway, we were
hunter-gatherers and...
and we were killers.

We were killers.
And I think we have decided,

without the power of a God
telling us, just naturally,
you know, just decided,

that killing is
not necessarily good.
'Cause people in the old days,

like assassins,
very interestingly,
they used to take hashish,

to alter their mind state,
to go off and do killings.

And that's where the word
assassin comes from.

They took hashish and they were
initially called "hashashins."

This is true.
This is in Wikipedia,
so do check it out.

It's even on The West Wing.

If you watch that.
I saw an episode. It is.
It's true. Yeah.

But there was. So, obviously
someone was going,
"Help yourself to hashish.

"And then we'll go,
and do hashashinations."

What?

Are you sure?

'Cause for my money,
you know,
it's the wrong drug to take

before you go
and do anything.

It's the right drug to do
when you're gonna do nothing.

Surely, more cokey,
speedy type of drugs
rather than...

And then someone saying,
"We're gonna knock off
a Mars bar factory, right now.

"I am in position."

"Oh, what?
I'm here, I'm here.
Yeah."

"I've got a briefcase.
I'm on the roof.

"I just hope
it's the right roof."

"This is a lot of roofs."

"Hang on, hang on.
I'm putting it together."

"What the fuck is this bit?
See, I have five puppies.
Doing the thing...

"Glue wing to the fuselage...

"High transpose...

"Spitfire mark...
What the fuck...

"This is Airfix.

"Hang on.
I've got the wrong
instructions.

"I'm going to test it."

"All right.
I got some good news
and bad news.

"Good news is, it works.

"Bad news, it's not a gun.
It's a vacuum cleaner.

"Shall I throw it at him?"

"No, it's not very accurate.
But it's got a fantastic
element of surprise."

Then there's the...
The nature of killing of war.

Nowadays, we have films and
television. We can get,
maybe not a visceral sense

of what war is like,
but we get an emotional sense.

Back in the old days,
we had a famous battle
in England,

called The Battle of Hastings.

1066, a thousand years ago,
almost, exactly.

And you were either
at that battle, or forget it.

You hadn't got a clue
what was going on.

You had to look at a tapestry
to find out
what went on there.

The Bayeux Tapestry, they made.
Weavers were
photojournalists of the day.

They were... They were obviously
at the frontline going,
"Come on."

"Don't look at the weavers.
Don't look at the weavers.
Just keep moving."

"Weave, motherfucker."

"More red thread,
bring up red thread.
It's a battle, for God's sake."

"Just, can you slow down a bit?

"You're all going too fast."

"Shoot someone in the eye.
We've already done that panel,
would you?

"William, give a big wave.

"Give him a good haircut.

"These haircuts are
fucking weird."

Around the time of Henry VIII,
one of our more famous kings.

The six wives of Henry VIII,
he kept going through them,

like a strange... marrying man.

First one was
Catherine of Aragon.

Second one was Anne Boleyn.

By the time of Anne Boleyn,
they were paparazzi.
Weavers were paparazzi.

All right, Anne? How you doing?

Are you going to marry Henry?

Just push
your breasts up a little.

What about your sister,
is she gonna marry?

Ooh, that would be bigamy.

You converted?

Hang on, I'm sewing
this to my leg.

Hang on.
Keep your hair on.

Keep your head on.

I've sewn this
to my leg again.

Is that a problem?

We were hunters.
We were gatherers.

I would have been a hunter,
not a gatherer.

Because gathering seems
incredibly boring.

Gathering is
essentially going
12, 13, 12,

13, 12, 11, 12...

"Fuck it! I'm not
getting anywhere.
How many you got?"

"I've got three."

"The warriors are
going to kill us,
when they get back."

They return, we have killed
buffalo and bison
and beavers and badgers

and balloons and bees,
which is very difficult.

"How many berries
do you have?"

"A total of seven."

"That's a bit shit.

"We've been away
for two moons.

"That's almost three years
or something.

"Nevermind.
Make us a smoothie,
and we shall share."

That's what we lived on,
raw meat and smoothies.

But then the ice left.
The ice fucked off.

And said, "Good luck.
Invent fridges."

So the ice went and then
we became farmers.

And farmers is a step up
in civilization

and a massive step down
in sexiness.

It really isn't sexy,
you know?

There's no farming films.
That's how you can tell.

There's no Bruce Willis
in Farm Hard.

Farm Hard 3.
This time it's arable.

They've taken over
the Nakatani farm, man.

Bruce McClane,
he's on the roof.

He's got all the manure.

They've got no methane
to do any of
the bang thing.

It wouldn't work, you see.

And farmers, they grow crops.

We eat the crops.
We need farmers.

They do this wonderful job,

but it's not exciting.

So that's why
they keep animals.

I'm pretty sure that farmers
keep animals to make it
more exciting.

More rock and roll.
'Cause they keep the noisy ones.

Have you noticed?
Old McDonald's farm,
full of noisy animals.

They don't keep otters.

They don't keep beavers.

They don't keep weasels.

They don't keep rabbits.

None of the quiet ones.

The quiet ones are like,
fuck off, quiet ones.

They want big, barky noise ones.

Cows go moo,
and sheep go baa,

and dogs go woof,
and cats go pink, and...

chickens go,
cock a doodle doo,

which is stupid.

It's just such an odd noise.

It's supposed to wake you
in the morning.
But they do it all day.

I've been near farms.
I've been quite near farms.

If I was a farmer, I'd go nuts.
I'd just put a trumpet
on their face.

And then they'd go...

And farmer's wife'd go,
"What is that?"

"It's jazz chicken."

"The fuck is a jazz chicken?"

"A trumpet fell on its face."

"Fell off a shelf?"

"No. Well, I wedged
it on his face.

"He was going
"cock-a-doodle-do"
all the time!

"I wanted to get some music."

"But he's got no lips.
How does he make an embouchure?"

"I sewed bacon rind
onto his beak."

"That is insane.

"But that should be
on Discovery Channel,

"because then every morning
you'll be woken up by...

"And then donkeys
would get their
tails go...

"And passing frogs
maybe, might
stand on their tongues

"Maybe and go..."

Don't know quite how frogs
get into a farm situation,

but I was looking for
long-tongued animals.

Maybe that's what happened
to Baby Jee.

He was born in the manger
and...

Three wise men came,
"Oh, it's a jazz club, that is."

Now Noah,
he knew about animals.

Noah built an ark,
and there was a flood.

They say that God told him
to build an ark.

But I don't know. I think
a number of us in this room,

if it was raining
and there's a huge flood
about to happen,

I think a number of us
would've said, "Fuck it,
I'm building a boat."

Yeah, man.
He built a boat and no,

it wasn't an ark, it was a boat.
An ark it, always looks silly,

'cause it's a big U shape

with a little shed on the top,

and out of that,
there's a lion and tiger
doing this.

And uh,
obviously you never see

any of the compartments,
or anything that went on,

or where the toilets were.

So he made a boat.
He made a boat

What did he put in the boat?
His family. What else?

All the animals
he could find.

Did he put two of every animal
in the world on the boat?

No.

How can I be so sure?

Try it.

I'm happy to be proved wrong
on this.

I just need
Discovery Channel to say,

"And today we're gonna do
two of everything on this boat.
Let's have a look."

And then let's
visit the toilets later.

It'll have been a nightmare.
Everything had to be on the boat

from two dung beetles
to two giant squid

and everything in between.
All the fish,

they never get mentioned.
It was supposed to kill two,

kill all the bad things
and start again with
two of everything,

including the fish.

I mean, bad sharks--
sharks are bad.
Very few good sharks.

Very few sharks going,
"We found a child!"

"He was thrashing around
in that area.

"Danger zone, you see.

"Thought we'd bring
him in, yes.

"Well, it's a new thing
we're doing.

"We're trying to...

"And public relations, yes.

"I'm Sharky
the friendly shark."

♪ Sharky
The friendly shark ♪

Have you seen my program
anywhere?

"No, he only had one leg
to begin with,
so I don't know where that is."

That ark would be
a nightmare.

Two of everything on the boat.

Giant squid sticking
out of cupboards, going,
"Is she there?

"Is Mrs. Noah there?

"There's no towels."

"Can't find any towels,
and the mini bar doesn't work.
It's not stocked.

"Some sort of
non-stocking...

"Well, it's got
socks in there.

"Oh, for fuck's sake.

"Giant Squid Diary.

"Day one,
a long time ago...

"Dear Trip Advisor,

"got to the ark.

"Everything rather damp.

"A little disappointing.

"Seen to catch two dogs,
two squirrels, two mice
two chipmunks.

"Eat them later
as hors d'oeuvres,

"Must Wikipedia
what that means.

"Just the etymology!

"Seem to be running

"out of ink."

Then there's the
two by two thing,
that doesn't work.

All right, there's Noah
and his sons.

"All right, Shem, Ham,

"Japheth, here we go.

"They come two by two.
Two lions,

"two tigers, two cats, two dogs,
two squirrels, two mice,

"two llamas, two unicorns,
two zebras, two chipmunks

"and two of those things.

"How many's that so far?"

"So far, two lions,
two tigers, Dad."

"Should be...

"Oh, for fuck's sake."

It wouldn't work, would it?

Lions and tigers would eat
everything. It's like

putting four students on a boat
with a load of cake mix.

Do you remember cake mix?
You made it as a kid,
the first time.

You made it. You put
the stuff in. You
didn't put the stuff in.

No, your mom probably
put the stuff in,
and then you did all that stuff,

and then it was poured out.

Then they said you could lick
the spoon.

And you went,
"Oh, my God!
This is amazing.

"Is this heaven?
Did God... Is it?"

And there's
a whole plate of it.

And then it was put
into the fire,

and it came out less good
than it went in.

It was genius when it went in
and it came out...

Oh.

The whole ark story
doesn't make sense.

And when, after 40 days
and 40 nights of rain,

which is only 40 days
of rain, isn't it?

40 days and 40 nights.

The nights are implicit,
aren't they?

It's all built in.

I mean, you know, when you
go to hotels, "I'm staying
for three days."

"Will you stay for the nights?

After a month and a bit
of rain they'd be
there from the Bible,

"We're here from the Bible.
It's the day when the Ark...

"The Ark is just
coming into view.

"Forty days, forty nights
of rain.

"Wonderful. Welcome,
the audiences around the world
here on BBC World Service.

"And well, then we're going to
have a word with Noah
and his wife.

"And here he comes.

"Mr. Noah, could you just...
Could just tell me...

"Sorry, ladies and gentlemen,
don't seem to be able to
stop him there.

"Must be some sort of
reception he has to go to.

"And the lions and
the tigers come.

"Hey, lads, how was it?
How was that on the...

"Can't seem to
stop the lions and
tigers either.

"Or was it maybe going
to the toilet or something?

"I'm not sure what
all that's about.

"So we'll wait for
one of the other animals.

"I can see on the top deck
what looks like strawberry jam.

"A lot of strawberry jam.

"They obviously had
a lot of sandwiches.

"And here's a squirrel.

"Mr. Squirrel. Mr. Squirrel,"

"could you tell me how...
How it was on the Ark?"

"It was a nightmare, man.

"It was the biggest nightmare.

"Those stripy bastards.
They killed everyone, man.

"They're all dead,
they're all dead!
There's no one there.

"Oh, my God.
I hid in
a biscuit tin, man!

"It was fucking insane."

"Were they
chocolate hobnobs?"

"I don't fucking know.
What the hell
are you on about,

"you biscuit freak?"

"Well, what happened
to your wife? Wasn't she
with you on the boat?"

"She got away, man. On a boat,
with an owl and a pussy cat."

"Did they take some money
and plenty of honey?"

"I don't know.
I didn't see anything.

"They took a Gatling gun, some
soap and a razor, and

"some chain mail,

"and some iodine."

"That's not very poetic."

"Wasn't poetry, man!

"They were fucking escaping
from the ma...
Who are you?"

"This is BBC World Service,

"broadcasting from
some fucking where."

I'll tell you about giraffes.
Giraffes are interesting.
They're one of the silent ones.

They don't have a danger call.
If a giraffe, when it's spending
its time in Africa,

if it sees a tiger,
it would experience
two emotions.

Fear and surprise,

two of the emotions
of the Spanish Inquisition.

As Monty Python
have taught us,

fear, because it is a tiger
and surprise,

because there are no tigers
in Africa.

What's it doing there?
It must be on holiday.

I've tried this scene with lions
and it doesn't fucking work,

so just go with me, okay?

So it sees a tiger,
and the giraffe turns,

and there's no noise.
There's no...

There's no...
There's no danger sound.

If it had a jazz chicken
around it's neck
at least it could've...

And then they'd all retreat
in twos,

break into fours, pull back.

This joke was very funny
100 years ago when...

Back in the early 1800s,
when a lot of that

shit was going on.
This really kills.

There's none of that.

All the giraffes can do,
ff you look on Wikipedia,

giraffes can cough,
so they must cough,

using the ancient British method
of coughing

to express alarm,
distress, and
the end of empires.

So the giraffe sees the danger,
turns, and goes...

Other giraffes...

Tiger.

Tiger.
Tiger.

There's a tiger over there.

There's a bloody great big
tiger over there.

Tiger at four o'clock.

Ti-ger.

Grr...? Tiger?

That's how they do it.

So, what am I
talking about?

What was I talking about?

I am talking about,
ladies and gentlemen,
what is the meaning of life?

I don't know if
there is a meaning of life.

I think,
I think there isn't
a meaning of life.

Why are we here?
I have no idea why we're here.

But while we're here,
we may as well do civilization.

It just means being
little bit British, you know,
a little bit,

"Good morning.
How are you?"

Walk on.

I can't stand
the man, myself.

Civilization kicked up with
the Egyptians.

And the Sumerians.
Don't know much about
the Sumerians,

because I haven't
Wikipediad them.

But the Egyptians,
they did stuff.

They worshipped the Sun God, Ra,
which is slightly more logical

than worshiping
an invisible God, Chris.

As the Christians do.

If you're a Christian,
you should be worshipping Chris,
shouldn't you? "Dear Chris.

"I'm a Christian, and..."
you know?

They quite like that,
but they don't really
like that, okay.

But he's invisible.

But the Sun God is there.
He's there. Well, not the God,
but the sun is.

Every day.
And it's something more logical.

I think they called him "Ra?"

And they had a song for Ra.

♪ Hurrah for Ra

♪ He lives just over there

♪ He comes up over there
And he goes out over there

♪ I may chase him on a camel
But it really goes so far

♪ Hurrah, for Ra!
He's a bit of a star ♪

You're just applauding because
I sang a song.

That's how easy it is.

These singers get away with
a hell of a lot.

They go...
♪ Ding, dong, bang
Fing, fong, pang

♪ Fuck a duck
Hey! Motherfucker! ♪

We have to swear.
You see?

That song is on sale also
on CD.

The "Fuck a duck,
Motherfucker" song.

Along with the
"Rah Hurrah for Ra" song.

I think "Hurrah for Ra!"
would work.

They also have
a written language.

The Egyptians had a written
language, which was a nightmare
for newsreaders.

"Here is the news in
ancient Egypt.

"Dog, dog with a cat's face,
cat with a dog's face.

"Human with a monkey's face.
Man with the thing.

"Eye with legs,
a pot with legs,

"two dogs, a rabbit
with an enormous...

What is that? I... I think,
a cat, a bug?

"Some sort of thing,
a man with...

"one of those.

"It seems the orgy
in the zoo continues.

"Into its fourth century.

"Here is Jeanine,
with the weather."

"Thank you.
It'll be sunny forever."

"Thanks, Jeanine.

"Now we're going over
to our studio
in ancient Greece."

Now the Greeks, they're more
fun than the Egyptians.

I like the ancient Egyptians.

They did some great stuff.

But the ancient Greeks,
they get into it.

The Athenians,
they invent democracy.

It's a Greek word.

Demos means people.

Ocracy is a kind of inflatable
cat seat.

We think, we're not sure.
The translation is a bit tricky.

They had city states,
the Athenians,

the Thebians,
the... bingy bangians...

The Spartans.

The Spartans were fantastic.

Where, you know,
elite troops,

a nation of elite troops

or a city state of elite troops.

Bastards, complete nut bags.

They attacked the country
next to them

enslaved those people
for 400 years,

and humiliated them
for 400 years.

Bastards, really.

And the men, of course,
were...

You know,
the Spartan men.

Spartan women...

Spartan children...

Spartan dogs, woof!
Spartan cats, meow!

Spartan moles...

Spartan sheep...
Silence.

They were ninjas.

Ninja sheep. They would wear
bandannas around their heads
with Japanese writing

that they didn't understand,
because they were sheep,

and they would, they would creep
up on their prey.

They would creep up.
No, they'd creep up
on their predators.

Sheep would creep up
on their predators.

How insane is that?

They were just mad.
They had signals.

They would just creep along
in the dead of the night.

Other sheep going...

They'd creep up on the wolves.

And the wolves
would go whoa!

"There's a sheep.

"We eat sheep.

"Is this delivery?"

But the sheep,
they had no fear.

They would stand up
on their hind legs,

and they remove a rusty blade
from out of their
fobs of spines.

And they would shear themselves
in front of the wolves

"Come on!"

They'd pull up the skin
on their legs just a little bit,

and the wolves would go,
"This is all wrong.

"Grab their clothes and run."

So the wolves in
sheep's clothing

would run down the hill.

That's where it began.
They'd run in to
the local markets

and they'd order smoothies
and never pay.

"Why didn't you take
their money?"

"They said they'd invoice me."

"Tch tch, they were wolves
in sheep's clothing."

And it started a whole
spate of that.

Wolves in sheep's clothing,
dogs in cats' clothing,

rabbits in buffalo's clothing,

mice in ant's clothing

and voles in moles' clothing.

Voles are very small moles.

So voles in moles' clothing
is kind of...

And then moles
in voles' clothing,
which is much more...

The Spartans fought
a famous battle.
The Battle of Thermopylae,

made into a film
by Shirley Temple,

called, On the Good Ship,
Lollipop.

It's an anagram- "On the Good
Ship Lollipop."
"Battle of Thermopylae."

It's exactly the same letters.

It's almost exactly
the same letters.

Shirley Temple, of course,
known many years ago

for mop top songs.

♪ I'm little mop top
On my tip top top

♪ I've got a mop top
On my top top ♪

They said, "What do you
wanna do in this film?"

She said,
"I want to kill people
in this film.

"I want to stab 'em
with folks and spoons..."

"But Shirley, you do...

"♪ Mip, pop, top, top
Mip, pop, top, top ♪"

"I wanna fucking..."

And she was very powerful
in those days, not in
Hollywood terms,

but just big forearms,

and...

A lot of spinach.

And so they let her do the film.
And she filmed it.

On the good ship, Lollipop, and
the Battle of Thermopylae.

Those two merged together.
♪ On the...

Sparta!

♪ lollipop ♪

They filmed it,
they edited it,

they tested it on
kids in America.

The kids exploded.

And so they took it back.
They re-edited it,

and they took
all the violence out.

Now, if you watch On the Good
Ship Lollipop, you can't tell

that it was once about
the Battle of Thermopylae.

Except in some scenes,
Shirley Temple's got a
little bit of blood coming out.

Her left eye looks all wrong,
like it's seen too much.

♪ I love you, I love... ♪

But the horror.

The death of millions.

♪ Singing songs
Of sunshine... ♪

Many bodies piled up...

♪ Lollipops, lollipops ♪

Spikes.

But the Spartans were crazy.

Tactically, very clever.
They would oil themselves
before battle

so they could never
be taken prisoner.

I got one.

It's like fighting fish
over here.

And strategically very clever.

They were fighting the Persians,
you see. They got the Persians

to attack in a very
narrow place.

which was the corridor
of a student union party.

"Get all the beer out the back."

And this is 300 Spartans
against 10,000 Persians,

100,000 Persians.

No one knows how many Persians.

Scholars now think it was
all the Persians.

If you were around on that day,
you could just nip into Persia

and help yourself
to cats and carpets.

Back there.

-"Hey, man,
what you doing here?

"Put the carpet
in the back, man.
Forget the cat."

Fuck...

Bye!

Don't understand that,
you see.

So, now the Greeks they fought
in an organized group of battle,

group of men,

a rectangular group
called the Phalanx.

And, Alexander the Great's dad,
his name was Phil,

and...

- She knows him.

Phil of Macedonia.

You married him, excellent.

Just a guy called Phil,
or actually Phillip
of Macedonia?

Because that's just...
They're different things.

So and he said, I know,
I'll give the Phalanx
18-foot spears,

which in metric terms,
is 7,000 meters.

Long spears.
Right?

So you couldn't get at them.

You couldn't get at them
'cause they had 18-foot spears.

The only way to get at them
is if one of your group

sacrificed himself to
break up the group

Thunk!

Shit.

"It started out as
such a good day."

"It works, it works.

"18-foot spear.

"God, he's heavy."

"Wiggle him down the other end.

-"Huh?"
-"Wiggle him
down the other end."

"All right."

It's like a really lonely
game of table football.

Thunk! Thunk! "Shit.

"He's caught
on the stopper."

"It's not a stopper.
It's a spearhead."

"I don't know.
I've never seen the other end."

"Hang on."

"This reminds me of something.

"Well, it gives me an idea.

"If we ever put screens
on the front of chariots.

"Something like this
could remove the excess water
from the screen

"What?"

"It's just an idea."

"Fucking bonkers, you are."

"Okay, that's better,
I can hold this
closer to the fulcrum.

"A little bit intimidating."

"Hang on."

"Okay, I'll go now."

And the Romans came,
and the Romans...

They cut through
the whole Phalanx

with the short swords.

How did they do it with
the short swords?

They became bacon slicers,
these gentlemen.

They went...

"Hang on. Hang on. Hang on!

"My fucking spear."

Bong!

"Bastard.

"Good afternoon."

"Hey."

"Where are you from?"

"Versailles."

"Hey, man.
What are you doing here?"

"Fucking loads of them."

"Et tu, you brute!"

"Can I keep this,
can I keep this?"

"No, it's mine."
"Fuck off." "No."

"Craved goods."

The Romans,

they took over everything.
They could do that.

They had aqueducts, viaducts.
They could move ducks around
faster than anyone ever had.

And the Romans did all this

with a language
that we know from school

is silly.

It's a silly Billy language.

It has a nominative, evocative,
accusative, a generative,
a dative, an ablative.

Fuck. Off.

How did they do so much
with a language

so silly?

How did they do that?

When Hannibal, the famous
General Hannibal from Carthage,

whose father was called
Hamilcar

a famous general as well.

And so Hannibal,
he knew what he was doing.

He was a trained general.
And he came with revenge
in his heart.

And he crossed across
the Mediterranean

through Spain, up over the Alps,
on elephants,

which is crazy.

And you know the story.
So, "Yeah,
he came on elephants."

But it's like
coming on pandas.

Yeah, it's that weird.

And he did this--

I mean, how did the elephants
get over the Alps?

They must have been going,
"Fuck, yeah.

"It's all right for you, Dumbo,
you can fly."

And then they must have--
Only... 60 started off,

only one made it.
There must've been
just one elephant.

When they started falling
down the Alps,

most of them dying tragically,
just one, one elephant
who just had it. Just...

Hannibal going,
"Look at that fucking elephant."

"Extreme elephant, baby.
Look at him go."

With his tail... with his tail?
His trunk over his shoulder,

like a businessman's tie.

Hannibal going,
"I'm with him."

But it must have scared
the shit out of the Romans.

The Romans haven't lost battles,
and now they were losing.

And how did they get
the message out?

Because the military,
Roman military,
famed for its organization,

with a language
that was silly, silly, silly.

How did they do this?
Messengers come running...
"Centurion...

"Centurioni, centuriatus,
saway, centurion, sawate...
Sawawe?

"Sa-wa-te. Sawate, centurioni?
Sawawe, centuriamus?"

"Quid, quad, qud.
Quid, quad, qud...
[MUTTERS GIBBERISH]"

"Huh?"

"Wait, wait, wait...
Ibin messengario.
Icariri...

"Nakiri, from long way awary...

"Potari noosum,
trey mo vey."

Quid, quad, qud...

"Hannibalatus." "Hannibalatus?

"Hannibalarum?
Hannibaleebum?"

"Hannibal. Hannibalabam...
Arriveramus...

"Hannibal arriveratus,
mein herr.

"Arriveramus. Arriveramus?

"Arrivederci?"

"Veni, vidi--"

"Veni, vidi, fucking vici."

"Si, mein herr.
Veni, vidi, vici."

"Ah, for fuck's sake."

"Mit soldatus."
"Mit soldatus?"

"Vi fil soldatus?"

"XXIXIVMM...

"Hang on, XICMM...

"What was it? CIXXXID."

"Twelve?"

"A million?"

"Multus soldatus,
maximo soldatus,
infinitatus soldatus."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Infinitatus soldatus
mathemelaticus impossibelatus."

"Don't believe us,
ask Pythagoratus."

"Huh? Infinitatus?

"Fucking impossiblatus."

"I just tried this.
Fucking fingers fell off."

"Pi?"

"Oh, thanks, mate."

"Hannibal is coming 'round
the mountains when he comes.

He's coming 'round the mountains
when he comes."

"He's coming around
the mountains.
Coming 'round the mountains?"

"Coming 'round the mountains,
when he comes."

♪ Singing... ♪

"Potara pink pajamas?"

"I don't think so."

"Unt ecomt mit elephantine."

"Quad the fuck?"

"Elephantine erect?"

"Elephantine tre kangaroos.

"Descripto mako willo,
nowo I-oh do-oh.

"Front part is elephantine.
Maximum squirrel, upside-downus,
back-to-frontus.

"Back part is biggest piggest
ever seenest."

"Fuck a duckus."
"Motherfuckus."

"Run, motherfuckers!"

Now that is half an hour
of conversation.

Now, here it is...

Here it is in English.
Here it is in English.

"Hannibal's coming."
"Hannibal? What? With?

"Soldiers." "How many?"
"Lots." "What else?"

"Elephants." "What are they?"
"Pigs and squirrels." "Run!"

- Seven seconds.

That's what happened.

English, the language
that you speak and I speak,

this--

The language that's become
the lingua franca.

Whatever the fuck that means
around the world,
it's taken off

because on its basic level,
it is terribly simple.

You know, we have apple
and apples.

I want an apple.
I'm gonna give you an apple.

That apple came to me.
I'd send you an apple.

Of the apple. To the apple.
By the apple.

It's just fucking apple
and apples.

It'll be appleorum,
appleetus, appleatus...

Fuck all that.

Someone, one of us, years ago,
bunch of them got together,

I don't know who it was,
but clever, clever--

"No masculine. Is it masculine
or feminine or neuter,
the apple?"

"It's a fucking apple!

"Stop fucking around."

Yeah, English language.

It's-- obviously in simple level
and in its more advanced level,

English is very complicated,
of course.

If you said a complicated line
of English, "Mr. Stevenson
transgressed

"the dictatorial nature
of his surrogate friend

"when he intimated the explosive
nature of the conundrum."

That's quite complicated,
isn't it?

Dunno what the fuck it means,
but, you know, it's just--

You try ad-libbing
a difficult line.

They're difficult.

That's why they're called
difficult lines.

There's a whole page
on difficult lines.

"Lost everyone." Okay.

Anyway, now...

The Romans.

They all died in a chariot crash
on the Appian Way,

where the Appian Way...
It used to be four five nine,

Nasty turning.

See, all the Roman citizens
were trying--
they were on the chariot.

They were trying to do that
how-many-can-you-get-in-a-Mini
thing.

And then suddenly,
the windscreen wipers failed
because the hamster burnt out.

It could have happened.

And so the classical thinking
died in 410 of the common era.

And then they went into
the dark ages and the dingy ages
and I-can't-really-see ages.

And then you've got
the medi-evil period and then
the medi-good period,

and then the medi-
thinking-in-a-proper-sense...

And then we get Renaissance,
and the Enlightenment
and Charles Darwin,

in 18...

Charles Darwin wrote that famous
book, Great Expectations.

The story of an amoeba
called Pip,

who went to stay
at Lady Bad Crumble's house.

And she had a very hot daughter.

This daughter was not
that good-looking, she
just lived on a radiator.

And Pip, the amoeba said,
"Will you marry me,
hot daughter?"

And she said...

He said, "I say again. Will you
marry me, hot daughter?

"I'm too small to be crushed
by your spikey heels."

She went...

He said, "You're just making
that noise.

"It's not really working.

For I am a single-celled
organization."

She said, "Don't you mean
organism?"
He said, "Both.

"We have formed
an organization."

Anyway, he showed it
to his wife, and his wife went,
"Charlie.

"This is shit.

"You're losing the edge,
Charlie Dickens.

"I don't think you're doing
anymore."

He said, "I'm not
Charles Dickens."

"Who are you?"
"I'm Charles Darwin."

"You don't live here."

And it was true, Charles Dickens
and Charles Darwin lived
two vowels away from each other

on Dictionary Lane,

back in Hobbiton,
just south of England.

So it's true story. So later on
in 18...

Charles Dickens wrote
a very good version
of Great Expectations,

where the expectations
were great.

And Charles Darwin wrote
his famous book, which was
called "monkey, monkey,

"monkey, monkey,
monkey, monkey, you!"

And that was the book.
It caused an outrage.

An outrage
in the monkey community.

Monkeys were furious!

"We're not linked to those
human bugs," they said.

And monkeys
were flinging their poo

at anyone who would stick
a microphone in their face.

There was the monkey trial.
You've heard the famous
monkey trial?

Charlton Heston was put on trial
by monkeys.

And there he was sentenced to
two monkey films,

to be served back to back.

The first film was called
Planet called Monkey Town.

And the second one was called

Let's all go back to
Monkey Town
with similar people

and do similar things.

So evolution.
You could see evolution
very clearly with fish.

Fish fly, we don't fly.
We're so bloody advanced.

Fish fly.
How did they get
to actually fly themselves?

They're in the sky.
They must love it.

They go,
"Ah, it's brilliant up here."

And they must stop in trees,
occasionally.

They stop in trees.
When they stop in trees,
birds will be in trees.

Birds will be going,
"Who the fuck are you guys?"

They'll be going, "We're the new
fish on the block."

And then it just becomes
like West Side Story.

And the birds going...

And the fish going...

Fish can't do that, can they?
So fish probably...

And birds going...

You let me get--
I was gonna do it for an hour.

Anyway, that explains evolution
quite well, I think.

Then there is creationism.

Creationism is where God went,
"Shazam!"

And created
an iPhone application.

It could tell what music
was being played
as the world was created.

But if I was God, I wouldn't do
six days to make the Earth

I'd just go, "Whoosh!

"There it is. It's blue.
Don't fuck it up."

The only blue one out there.

But no, he took six days.

It was like, my dad made
a train set for me
and my brother

when we were kids.

I think it's like that.
I think he's making a train set.

"Got six days."
After about three days,

small animals go,
"Who are you?"

"I'm God."
"Why are you taking so long?

"Are we there yet?"

"Well, I fucked up
a few of them.

"Have you seen Venus
and Mercury?"

"It's fucking crap, they are."

"We got no food.
You didn't make us food."

"All right, so,
what are you, badgers?

"Badgers shall eat bok choy!"

"No, we won't."

"Why not?" "Don't like it."

"It's all...

It's like it died
in the watery grave."

"For fuck's sake.

All right.
Badgers shall eat asparagus."

"No, that makes your pee
smell weird."

"Well, who told you that?"
"Wikipedia."

"All right. Badgers eat
creme brulee."

"All right. We would eat that.
We would eat creme brulee,

"but you didn't brulee that,

"you just went whoosh.
And it's creme. It's like toast.

"It's like-- it's like weird.'

"I see badgers can be choosers."

You try and get groans
and applause
on the same joke.

Now think why you groaning?

Because you've heard it before?

I think not.

New York,
you may be New York,

and you may have read
every fucking thing
that's going.

But you have not heard

the creme brulee-asparagus
- bok choy-badger-
God-creation joke.

- I don't think.

I don't think.

Anyway, it wasn't my joke.

It was God's joke.

They don't like you, God.
New York does not like you.

"Well, it's no surprise."

So, now, creationism is--

Creationism of course,
it has magic in there.

But through the mind sieve
of a Sarah Palin type woman,
it turns...

But that kind of person,
that kind of "O-ho-ho-ho-ho"
type person.

You get this intelligent
design-- you know in America,

and it is not really known
in Europe, I don't know for
the rest of the world,

intelligent design,
we don't really use it,
but it's quite clever

because you look up humans,
and think,

"Well, there's some sort of
design thing going on--"

Well, it works
and it's complicated.

It's complicated, and it works
does not mean
intelligent design.

There's also cancer.

What part of intelligent design
is cancer, eh?

Just crazy. Cows have
four stomachs.

What part of intelligent design
is that?

When we all have one stomach.
They could just-- they eat--

Cows eat it and bring it back up
and eat it

and bring it back up and eat it.
When it comes up for the fourth
stomach, cows should be going...

"I don't know why
this came back up.

"It just should've gone
the other way, really."

"Are you okay, Daisy?"

Cows should be throwing up,
mostly.

Two-thirds of all cows in
all fields, should be going...

I mean, real, proper
throwing up,
not like film throwing up,

where they throw up once
and that's it.
Throwing up is an opera.

You can't understand
a word anyone's saying,
and it goes on forever.

And there's at least five...

three to five acts, right?
There's a...
then there's a whole period

of...

"Do you want a glass of water?"
"No, fuck off."

And when you throw up,
everything wants to come out.

Your entire body is saying,
"Abandon ship,
abandon ship. Out."

If we didn't have
an internal skeleton,
your toes would be out there.

Your bodies go,
"What the fuck did you do?"

There's intelligent design.

Anyway, there's one rule
I found which was,

"Do unto others as you'd have
others do unto you."

I can't do it all the time.

I fuck it up. I get angry
and stuff, but it's--
I think it's all you need.

Treat others as you'd like
to be treated yourself.
Boom!

If everyone did it tomorrow,
we'd make it.

It's in the Bible. It's in
the Bible. I'm pretty damn
sure it's in the Quran.

It's called the Golden Rule.
It's all you need.

The Ten Commandments
come from Moses, who was
a charismatic individual,

- he was in--

And he's here tonight
and he's dressed as a cow.

Now Moses.

He was the one in the bed
of reeds.

He was brought up--
He was a Hebrew person,

brought up as an Egyptian,
killed a slave owner

and then took off to Hague
because it was bad news
in those days.

And then he went up--
and he was a shepherd.

So he's looking after the sheep,

"Yes. Spartan sheep.
They're crazy."

"Oh really?" "Yes."

"Wear bandannas
with Japanese writing."

"What does it mean?"
"No one knows."

"Not even Japanese?"
"No, the Japanese..."

Suddenly, a bush caught fire.

"Come on,
it's gone a bit weird,
gone a bit biblical.

"Come on, lads.
Let's just get out of here."

And the bush that was on fire
said, "Moses, come back here."

Then he says, "Ooh, he knows
my name. Hang on.

"Don't accept sweets
from children, all right?"

"What is it, oh, bush?"
Vocative.

"What is it, oh, bush?"

The only time you use
the vocative.

And the bush went,
"Moses, you must
leave this place."

"I was leaving it and you told
me to come back to tell me
to leave, you stupid bush."

"You're like
the last one we had."

"No. I mean, you must--

"Moses, you must leave here
in the short to midterm future
on a geopolitical basis."

"Oh, hang on.
No, you're totally different
to the other one.

"He couldn't say that.

"All right, I'll do it.

"I will leave here
on geopolitical...

"Whatever you said."

Now think about it.
A burning bush told him
to do this and he did it.

If you were down your way
and you're walking down
the road and...

a hedge because,
a bush is a hedge,

so a hedge just round,
poof!

"Fucking hedge caught fire."

If the hedge then went,
"Steve."

'Hedge is talking to me,
hang on."

"What is it, oh, hedge?"
Vocative.

"You must leave this place.

Is this place the
ancient Timbuktu?"

"I'll do it."

"You must take everyone
you've ever met."

"Of course.
I'll get them to pack."

"And call the fire brigade
as well."

"Thank you."

"Oh for you? I see, right."

You wouldn't do it, would you?
You wouldn't listen to a hedge.

He listened to a hedge.
Why did God send
a hedge on fire?

Why not a hedge
that's not on fire?

Because then you can think, "Oh,
there's someone in the hedge who
had books and stuff and a map.

They believe it was
a mistranslation.

And the burning bush means
he was on a volcanic mountain.

When he decided and had
the epiphany moment,
decided...

Mistranslation!

Because everything was written
in Greek,

because of Alexander the Great,
the Hellenic thing.

And they do believe that--
well, they know that

the word-- the ancient Greek
word for virgin and

the ancient Greek for
young woman was the same word.

The whole Mary thing.

So... a virgin had a baby.
Wow!

Start a religion.
Get some posters.
Do the curly thing.

Or... a young woman had a baby.

Wow! Cigars.

Congratulations. Have a rest.

Let's move on.

Because I would say it takes
away from the bloke.
Because I think he would exist.

I think the Jesus guy,
the Yeshua guy--
his real name was Yeshua.

Before it was, you know,
Hellen--

Hellenized into Jesus.

I think it was a real bloke.

I think he did stuff.
And then, it was said,

"He was a son
of a mystical thing."

And that devalues what he did,
you see?

Moses obeys the burning bush,
runs down says, "Come on, lads.

"Let's get out of here.
Let's take away the Hebrew
people and I will lead you.

"I will lead you
from this desert
and we shall go...

"to a desert.

"It sounds fantastically
different."

"Let's do it." "All right,
we'll go tonight
under the cover of frogs."

"I'm sorry?"

"Frogs."

'Cause there were 10 plagues
that landed on Egypt
and one was a plague of frogs.

And I'm sorry, but that is not
a plague. You can't have
a plague of frogs.

You could only have more frogs
than usual.

Not a fucking plague.

A plague of flies.

A plague is a disease, isn't it?

Plague.
So a plague of flies
is a... synonym...

whatever the word is
because. "Flies, flies--
Oh, plague, all flies."

Okay, I'll go with that.

Locusts.
"A plague of locusts."

Frogs are on the floor!

"A plague of frogs."

"The frogs. A plague.

"A plague."

"You're just sticking them down
your shirt."

"It's a plague!"

If that was from God,
he had run out of ideas.

"Bessus, Dessus, Enzus,
I want another plague."

"We've had nine, Dad.

"Plague of flies,
plague of locusts,
plague of cheese makers,

"a plague of helicopters.

"What the fuck!"

"I want frogs."

Yes, indeed.
So they must have just said,

"Look, there's lots of frogs,
lads. Strap one on your head,
and let's run."

Lots of Hebrew people with frogs
on their head, ran to the...

And the ancient Egyptians said,
"Wait-- wai--

"Oh, I've been drinking
far too much."

And they ran through the Red Sea
'cause a giant squid held
the water back.

"Good luck, lads.
All right."

"Giant squid diary,
day 3,000,009.

"Helped the Hebrew people
escape from ancient Egypt.

"Saw my old friend,
Mr. Squirrel."

"Hey, man,
what's going on here?

"Oh, God! I was enslaved
in fucking Egypt, man.

"It was a nightmare.
I met up with this guy."

"He's the manager of this band."

♪ Meow, meow, meow ♪

"I can't find my wife, though.
Have you seen my wife?"

"No, I haven't seen her."
"If you see my wife,
will you call me?"

"Do you have a number?"
"Yeah. Three."

"Okay."

"Bye."

Early days.

So then the Hebrew people
wandered in the desert
for 40 years,

and if I had been with them
after 23 years,

I would have said,
"Where are we going?

"We're just wandering
in the desert.

"I'll give you 17 more years,
and that's it."

And after 17--
after 40 years,
after 40 years,

it was obviously going nuts.
Everyone was going nuts.

"I'm gonna have sex
with my feet."

"I'm going to cut
my buttocks off
and use them as headphones."

"I'm going to fill myself
with sand and sell myself
to a taxidermist."

Moses said,
"No, you can't do this.
There are rules."

"There are no rules!"

"All right, I'll get 10."

"Just one would do fine."
"No, 10 it shall be."

So, he runs off
and comes back the next day,
"Here they are.

"Number one.

"Never piss in a toaster.

"Number two.
Don't eat barbed wire.

"Number three.
Never put your poo
on your hair.

"Four."

After eight...

"You're just making this up.
We want better rules.

"Rules you can write on rocks,
for fuck's sake.

"Rock rules. The three R's."

"Oh, right."

And he runs off. And this time,
he's gone for months--

months he's gone.
I think he's been eaten
by badgers.

So what do they do?

What would you do,
if your leader you follow
for 40 years

suddenly disappears
and never comes back?

They smelted metal.

That's absolutely what I'd do.

I would fire up a thing,
and melt things down,

to make an effigy
of a cow's friend, I--
nothing else to do,

not try and find him,

or any shit like that or set up,
you know, or go for help
or shit.

I'd smelt metal.

That's my--
It's the metallurgist...
in all of us.

Just suddenly came out rampant.

And it's really tricky stuff

if you've seen
Discovery Channel.

If you just do a little bit
of smelting and they say,
"Look, a golden calf."

"Kinda looks like a badger
who's exploded."

"That looks like, seven weasels
attached together
with each other."

"It's a calf or a dog
or something--

"It's called Kenny,
let's worship it.

"Dear Kenny, how are you?

"You've done great so far.

"You haven't done much.
But anyway, we're expecting
big things of you.

"Please bring us plum cake
and cheddar and--"
And suddenly Moses came back.

"What the fuck?"

"Smelting metal."

"I've got 10."
And he had 10.
And you don't need 10.

But he had 10.

One of which is...

Duh!

I think that shouldn't even
be one.

But then, there's,
"Thou shalt not kill,"
"Thou shalt not steal,"

which is built into
"Do unto others

"As you'd have or have others
do unto you."

You want others to kill you
or steal your stuff?

No, probably not.

So they'd-- you know,
it's self-policing,

And then the other seven
are all...

"Don't eat wood and stuff."
No one could remember them.

But there's one in there,
which is just a wild card
thrown in.

You know, like they put it in,
you know, in the contract,

just to make sure you're
reading it,
that no one ever reads.

"Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbor's ox."

What?

Thou shall not really, really
like thy neighbor's ox.

Not steal it, kill it, shoot it,
have sex with it.

Blow it out of a cannon.
Just like it. Want it.

You could offer money--
What's the fucking problem?

They got people killing
each other and stealing stuff,

and you're worried about
coveting oxes?

Maybe there was a whole plague
of that going on.

Steve likes Freddie's ox.
Freddie likes Jack's ox.

Jack likes Roger's ox.

"Oh, the ox is always greener
around here."

People going around, "You seen
Steve's ox? He's fantastic!
He's got such a big face."

"It's the most amazing ox
I've seen."

"Bloody coveting oxes again?"

"I can't stand it.
Thou shalt not covet thy
neighbor's ox."

"He's not my neighbor.
He lives across the road.
Number 23."

It must be a typo or a scribo,
mustn't it?

Yes, all please repeat
the word "scribo."

I just came up with it.

It must be.
It's not "Thou shalt not covet"

it's "Thou shalt not cover
thy neighbor's ox."

Don't cover him up,
so don't hide him.

'Cause come
the ploughing season,

"Where's my fucking ox?

"I've got 10 fields to plough,
or the kids will die.

"We have no food.

"There's no bloody ox.
Jim, have you seen my ox?

"Oh, for fuck--
Where's your duvet?

"You've lost a duvet
and I've lost an ox.

"I'm gonna talk to the militia
because some thing--
some duvet-ox stealer

"I mean, what kind of crazy--

"Oh, no! There's your duvet!

"Hang on a minute...
Whoosh! That's my ox!

"You covered my ox!

"Thou shalt not cover
thy neighbor's ox.

"Oh, Jim, I think you're going
to hell on a technicality."

Now, I can finish up by talking
about going to the moon.

because you went to--
not you guys,

but because it'll be
a bit of a squash.

Whole Madison Square Garden
in a spaceship.

Now, when you landed
on the moon,
that was the point where God

should have come up
and said hello.

Because if you invent
some creatures,

you put them on the blue one
and they make it
to the gray one,

then you're fucking turn up
and say, "Well done."

It's just a polite thing to do.

He should've been there going,
"Well done, Neil!
Neil, well done.

"You've made it.
You made it to the moon, yes!

"Buzz. Are you Buzz Lightyear?
Are you Buzz Lightyear?

"Are you Buzz Lightyear? Ha...

"Well, relax.
Take your shoes off. Relax.

"This is the moon.
This is where I live.

"I live on the dark side
of the moon, yes!

"I live here with Darth Vader
and Pink Floyd.

"Yes!"

"Good afternoon."

"That's Pink Floyd.

"And this is Darth Vader."

"Hello.

"My voice box
is fucked up.

"Hello."

"Also on the moon, we have
Mr. Squirrel here."

"Hey, man,
what you doing here?

"There's no atmosphere, man.

Except for these guys."

"Good afternoon.

Sharky, the friendly shark."
Hello, I found a child."

"Also, we have a wise old
scribe, the giant squid."

"Giant squid diary,
day 5,000,927.

"Star date Monkey
cheesecake helicopter.

"So the humans made it from
the blue one to the grey one.

"Well done.
But will they make it to the end
of the 21st century?

"It's up to them, man.
They've got to think out of
the box, it's up to them.

"And that audience
at Madison Square Garden
at that gig in New York...

"They have to think big.

"They have to make it happen.

"I hope they do.

"This is the giant squid
from the ship Nostromo
signing out."

That's all for me.
Thank you very much,
Madison Square Garden, New York.

Good night!