All language subtitles for Defining.Moments.2021.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-CMRG-English

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Whenever
I wanted to remember

what was important in my life

I used to walk to
the local cemetery.

1,000 people, probably
more, are buried here.

Each one ending up in the same

two square mile patch
of grass for eternity.

How many people are
still remembered?

I mean, at what point

does that last memory
of you disappear?

Good morning. Sunshine.

Not morning, Daddy.

It's very late, after 11.

I just flew in from Los Angeles.

Oh.

You don't look so good.

Well of course I
don't look so good.

I'm this close to 80.

Hm, that is pretty old.

Yeah.

I remember when rainbows
were black and white.

That's how old I am.

Death isn't knocking on my door,

it's sitting in the bedroom.

Don't say that.

You're fine, you're still here.

And for a long time, I imagine.

Always the optimist.

The Irish in you wants to know

if the will has been
signed, and it hasn't.

No, no, you're going to
live a long, long time.

I'm going to make sure of it.

Nine months.

Nine months, what?

I give it nine months.

That will give me time to
have one more birthday.

And then-

- Nine months, and then what?

And then I'm off, time to fly.

I look at this as a
long overdue vacation.

I'm not listening
to you anymore.

You don't have to,
that's your choice.

An unfortunate one,
but don't be mad

nine months from now if
I say, "I told you so."

Mm, that is the error
in your plan, dear sir.

In order to say,
"I told you so,"

you'd still have to be alive.

Yeah, well, I stand corrected.

Nine months nonetheless.

A baby takes nine
months to be born.

I'm taking nine
months to say goodbye.

It's only fair.

Okay.

Goodnight, Daddy.

Mwah.

Good news, you're
going to live.

Not for very long, mind you,

but long enough to be
able to pay my bills.

Why are you smiling?

Stop smiling.

It doesn't suit you very well.

You're not a smiley kind of man.

Oh God, it's the
menopause, isn't it?

It's not menopause.

Well, I'm waiting.

Come on, stop smiling like that.

You're scaring me.

I'm sorry.

It's not every day that a
man gets to tell his daughter

that he's going to
be a grandfather.

I'm pregnant?

Yes, you are.

No, no, can't be, no.

Well, have you had sex lately?

A few times.

Not very memorable, but. What?

Well then you can.

And that's how
it's done nowadays.

I mean, have for
some time actually.

But I can get you a pamphlet
about it if you like.

A pamphlet?

Dad, I can't have a baby.

I'm too old to have a baby.

I've been systematically unable

to raise myself for
the past 40 years.

How am I going to raise a child?

You'll have to-
What do I do?

Stop smoking and
drinking to start with.

I like to smoke.

Yeah, you can do it.

You have to do it.

I mean, you don't want a baby

shaped like shrimps now, do ya?

This cannot be happening.

I'm too old.

I'll be like 90 years old

by the time the thing
goes to high school.

Well, you're
slightly exaggerating.

And my tits.

Dad, my tits.

Will be fine, I assure you.

Seriously, dear,
this is a good thing.

Keys, keys, keys.

Keys, keys, keys, keys, keys.

Terri, have
you seen my keys?

Shoot.

Shit, shit, shit.

You mean these?

Ah, yes, thank you.

- I'll be late.
- Whoop.

How about you take your
ever-loving girlfriend

with you, please.

Listen, I know what
you're doing, okay?

Please?

And meeting my
family at a funeral

is probably a terrible idea.

They're eccentric, so just no.

Look, we can say
we're just friends.

And I promise, no smooching
in front of the dead guy.

Okay, yeah, listen.

Okay, listen.

I know what you're doing, I
do, and I love you for it,

but I don't want to go and you
certainly don't want to go.

Okay, here, I'm going
to help you with this.

Okay, I'm late, but.

Okay, you know
what, no, I'm late.

I don't have time for this.

I gotta get going.

Here, give me one
kiss, give me one kiss.

Okay, you know what,
this is happening.

You're late.

I know, I'm sorry.

Sorry isn't going to
help out Uncle Charlie.

You know what, you're right.

Uncle Charlie.

I'm going to go home
and shag some more.

You tell the whole family
I was here, won't you?

Mm, that better have
been involuntary.

My body may have
a mind of its own

but at least I managed
to get it here on time.

Now behave yourself.

Or I may have to accidentally
assault you again.

And what did I miss?

So far we've had
three eulogies,

all from people
that never met him.

One of them kept
calling him Charlton

and talking about how
good of a person he was.

Clearly never met the man.

Aunt Margaret's up next.

You're kidding me.

I remember Larry
as a kind man.

Larry?

Not the biggest
penis I've ever seen.

But he used it well.

Yeah, of course
he named his own cat Catie.

Like Katie but Catie.

I just find it weird

that you put it
on your backpack.

- Ridiculous.
- Because I love her.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, Dave.

It's my turn for the bed.

Don't get too comfortable.

Hey, you coming?

We got some beer.

All right.

You guys ready to party?

Yeah, oh.

Yeah, we can fix
that in a jiffy.

I need you to close
your eyes for a second.

Oh, perhaps it
would be a good idea

if we all closed our eyes.

Maybe it's better if I just-

- No, no, no, I didn't mean me.

I meant your friends here.

You have somehow managed to do

what almost nobody's been
able to do in nearly 50 years.

Shooting your ear off

while killing a pigeon
with the same bullet.

Impressive.

Americans and your guns.

Probably born with
one up your arse.

Our father was
Canadian actually.

Oh really?

Well that would explain that
lack of aim now, wouldn't it?

My late 40s, too old
for this baby nonsense.

You are too.

I hope you're not saying
what I think you're saying.

You're seriously
considering keeping it?

You're not seriously
considering me not keeping it?

We talked about this before.

And we always said we'd
keep it if it happened.

And God knows it
happened, Gordon.

I'm not puking my brains out

for the past week for no reason.

That was 10 years ago.

You know, when we were both
young enough to have children.

Barely sexual now.

I'm surprised you're
pregnant at all.

Charlie Chaplin was
something like, what,

80 years old when he
had his last child?

Yeah, and he died soon after,

leaving a young child behind.

Look, Laurel, don't
get me started.

We're not having a baby.

You can't even look after
a dog, let alone a baby.

You're either taking the
both of us or neither of us.

Your choice.

Daddy!

Don't even ask.

Come on, yeah, come in.

Oh, don't kick the cat, dear.

She doesn't like that.

That was absolutely
scrumptious.

You know, you really should
consider cooking for a living.

Oh, strangely enough,
I do cook for a living.

Oh well then, congratulations,

you've found your life's path.

Speaking of life's path,

do you think it's about
time I meet your family?

No, you don't want to do that.

I mean, they're ogres,
they're evil really.

Uninteresting people,
insufferable bores, general retards.

Jack, we've been
dating for six months

and they don't
even know I exist.

They do know you exist.

They're just terribly upset at
the fact that I am dating a-

- A pretty blonde?

Yes. They hate
blondes, they really do.

It's a family tradition.

My grandfather, he was
killed by a blonde.

And they never found
out who the killer is

so there's been an innate
fear of blondes ever since.

Blondes?

Yes, yeah,
especially pretty ones.

Your whole family
is afraid of blondes?

Mm-hm, yeah, yeah,
except for me obviously,

'cause I've had to
work at it, so yeah.

Ah, well, maybe
they can work at it.

No, no, I don't think so.

I mean, they do kill all
blonde babies born, so.

Your family kills
blonde babies?

Yeah, yep.

But there are a lot
of babies born blonde

and then when they grow older,
their hair changes color.

You're not buying a
word of this, are you?

No, not one.

Yeah.

Morning, dear.

Daddy.

May I say that you look
absolutely dreadful this morning.

Thank you.

Oh, no need to thank me.

I just wanted it noted that
you do indeed look like shit.

You are not helping.

Well, I could suggest to
a shower or some makeup.

- But after that-
- Daddy.

Yes, pumpkin.

- Shut up.
- Well said.

And shut up I will.

But if you decide at some point

that you'd like to discuss
you turning up at my door

at 2:00 a.m. with two
large bags of clothing,

I'd be happy to partake
in that conversation.

I'm sorry.

This, it's just a
mess with Gordon

and this whole baby fiasco.

Maybe I should
just get rid of it.

What do you think?

I can honestly say that
my decision has always been

to err on the side
of giving it a go.

Worst case scenario,
41 years later

they show up at your door
at two in the morning

telling you to shut the hell up.

I'll see you later.

You love her?

Of course I love her.

Not as much as this
egg salad sandwich.

Thank you for bringing
it, by the way.

But yeah, almost as much.

If she sails your boat,
you should sail off with her.

You know, if she beats
your drum, you should beat-

- As much as I love your
metaphors and your witticisms,

it's just not that simple.

Why is it so hard?

You just tell her
that you love her.

And then you get married

and you shag her 3.2 times
a week for the first year.

And then you have a baby.

And then I'm a nappy
king for two years.

Probably longer, because
most women want two.

So four years then.

But knowing you,
Sir Shags-a-Lot,

there'll be a surprise
baby in there somewhere.

So, you know, you
better make it six.

Six years?

Oh my God, are you kidding me?

You just
get it snipped.

Snipped?

I did them all myself, huh?

I kinda fancy myself
a closet artist.

You know, who knows, maybe
I went into the wrong field.

Okay, so what's the
matter with him, doc?

Well, for starters,
he keeps shooting

his frigging ears off.

I mean, I would
consider that to be

his biggest problem
at the moment.

This isn't anything new.

He's been trying to
kill himself for years.

Oh well, that would explain

the multiple shootings
now, wouldn't it?

What can we do about it now?

For starters, take
the gun away from him.

It makes it harder, you know,
to shoot one's ears off.

Yeah. but is there
anything we can do about it?

Well, I think a
better question is,

is there anything
he can do about it?

Well, we're supposed to
be in Montreal next week.

I mean we're on a
year-long road trip, so.

Oh no, I wouldn't, I wouldn't.

I wouldn't leave
until he's better.

You know, perhaps we
can have him evaluated,

mentally I mean.

You know, I have a friend
at the Wellesley Clinic.

He could to assess him for you.

Look, doc, we don't really
even have enough money

to stay in Canada much longer.

Pretty soon Peter is going
to have to start stripping.

Tits are too small.

Oh, I have an idea.

I have to go back
to Los Angeles.

You're a writer.

You can write anywhere.

You can write here.

You can't go back until,
you know, I.

I got eight months.

That isn't too much to ask for.

No, no, no,
you're going to live

a lot longer than
that and you know it.

And this is unfair to me.

I have to get back to work.

But you're a writer.

You can do that right here.

You don't have to go
back there to write.

I went to California with
Mom because I hate it here.

It's just so much blah.

I can't write, it's too cold.

You know, blah can be
very good for a writer.

It forces you into
the writing mode.

All right, I will
make you a deal.

I will stay awhile,

but you can't get mad
when I leave later, deal?

- Your move.
- Deal?

Your move.

Oh bollocks.

Can you tell me why
you feel that way?

Is there something in
particular that triggers it?

I really don't know
why I feel this way.

If I did, I probably
wouldn't be here, right?

Well, perhaps you
should just try taking it

one day at a time,
simplify things.

Take one breath, one step.

Don't try to overthink it.

Sometimes depression
is just something

you need to work
through using therapy.

Mm-hm.

Your friends are
very concerned.

I don't care.

They can leave if they want.

If they wanted to, I assure
you they'd already have.

Mm, something
smells delicious.

What is that?

You're going to
get a fork in the eye

if you don't back off
until I'm finished.

A fork, wow, that
sounds violent.

Maybe I'll just stop
by the sushi place

for a little takeout, huh?

Fine, grump.

Mm, mm, scrumdiddlyumptious.

What is that?

Oh, it's reindeer testicles,
a Norwegian delicacy.

It's chicken.

Chicken, you dick.

Mm, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I didn't, I thought-

- You thought I was serving
you reindeer testicles?

What, are you drunk?

What? No, I'm not drunk.

I've just been thinking
about my testicles a lot today.

You've been thinking about
your testicles all day today?

Yeah, but not in a weird way.

In like, I don't know,

no nappies makes me
happy kind of a way.

Are you trying to
tell me something?

What? No, no.

I'm just, I'm trying
to figure my life out.

And you don't think
that discussing that

with your girlfriend
is important?

Well, I mean, technically
they are my testicles, so.

You don't want to have kids?

What? No.

I never said that.

It's not that I don't
want to have kids.

It's that you don't
want to have kids with me.

What? No.

I never said that.

Please don't cry.

I'm allowed to cry, okay?

You just told me you'd
rather cut off your pecker

than have kids with me.

You can eat alone.

David is what we call
clinically depressed.

But what worries me
mostly, obviously,

is that he continues to
express suicidal wishes.

Oh, we can medicate to help
control the depression.

But the need to hurt himself
will continue, I'm afraid,

until we get to the
source of the problem.

He's been like
this a long time.

He's worse on this trip.

We thought, quite frankly,
that it would help.

How young was he
when all this started?

Um, 14, maybe 15.

And how many attempts.

Altogether, 20, maybe 30.

30?

Unbelievable.

And he hasn't been
hospitalized till now?

Well, he hasn't been successful

so we can count
that as a blessing.

Or maybe it was just that was

a cry for help,
a very large cry.

Let's not try to let
it hit 31, shall we?

What about your family?

They're all dead.

We're all he has left.

Well, I'm sure that's
all he needs too.

So I'd like to keep
him for a month or two.

This simply cannot continue.

Oh, you can visit him
anytime you want, but.

Do you have anywhere to
stay in the meantime?

What?

Is this Dr. Leaver's house?

Yes, it is.

Look, I'm very sick.

What can I do for you?

We're Dr. Leaver's
new boarders.

Boarders, American boarders?

Oh Christ, no.

Have you lost your mind?

Brilliant,
you have us.

Invited
them to stay here?

They can't stay here.

Coming from someone who
never asked to live here,

I'd say that your opinion
means diddly-squat.

Go sit down, dear.

You got vomit on your chin.

Come on in, bring your bag.

You actually said that, aloud?

It was your idea, all right?

You're the evil one.

I told her that
my family was evil

and you proved it beyond
a shadow of a doubt.

So you just be
gone, evil spirit.

You're a child.

That's what you are.

You're the same child
you were at 10 years old

when you ran away
from Lucy Michaels

'cause she wanted to kiss you.

She had a huge mustache,
all right, even then.

I can't be faulted for that,

because your first kiss
should not be to an otter.

If you want to have
an adult relationship,

you're going to have
to learn to be one.

So you're saying
that horsey rides

and that are out
of the question?

Are you kidding me?

All right, so what about you?

What about me?

Well, you're always
helping me solve my problems.

Let's hear one of yours.

I don't have any problems.

I'm perfectly
happy with my life.

What is wrong with you?

Go, go fix this, go.

So cute.

You know, it's really not nice

to look through someone's
personal belongings

without getting their
permission first.

Ah, well, good thing
I have permission.

Dr. Leaver told me I could
live through anything I wanted.

I really don't like you.

Can I get you a coffee,
tea, or a puke bucket?

You make it hard not
to like you.

I'm very uncomfortable
with that fact.

Hm, then why waste
your time trying?

You have much more important
things to think about.

Shouldn't you be out
chasing boys or something?

It's a Saturday night.

Why would I want to do that?

Sex, obviously.

Isn't it every
American girl's dream

to find some beer-chasing,
swigging Canadian lad?

You do make it
sound intriguing.

Then go.

Really, go ahead.

I can take care of myself.

I'm gay, girl.

And I'm also quite content

to spend the evening
here with you,

'cause I know you're
not feeling well.

Gay?

You're saying you're a lesbian?

Anyway, you can relax.

You're not my type.

I like my girls a little less
uptight and less pregnant.

Going to make you that tea.

Uptight?

Dude, you're up.

About time.

Jesus Christ, how many
pills did they give you?

I don't know.

My name's Geoff with a G,

you know, like Geoff with a J.

Same name, just
spelt differently.

You mind if I uh?

On my bed?

All right.

Thanks, brother.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Watch the open robe there, man.

You don't want to
show the whole world

your tiny little pecker now.

What?

Your dangly little dew worm.

Oh, and you do not want
to go fishing around here.

Trust me.

I mean, you know, one
minute they're hot and 20

and then the next you
want to gnaw your arm off

'cause they're so freaking ugly.

Seriously, if you want
to get laid, not here.

Well, isn't this a
psychiatric hospital?

Are you trying to throw me
with your big words, dude?

No, I just-

- I mean, I've been knocked
over and over and over and over.

- And over?
- Exactly.

So you get where I'm
coming from, right?

We're relatable.

How long you played football?

I never have.

Yeah, I figured.

You smell like a
bit of a fruit bar.

I played though, man.

NFL, CFL, the NFL
in Europe thing.

They have football over
there, American kind?

Well that remains to be seen.

But most importantly is
they rocked my noodle

while I was trying to play.

And then, you know,
that's why I'm in here.

How long you been laid up?

Man, you are the
inquisitive type, aren't you?

I think I'm done
talking for today.

Yeah.

Oh, and just 'cause I
got this mag

doesn't mean I'm going to
be dejuicing the pickle

every 10 minutes,
so you can relax.

You look like you
could use it a hug.

As you were.

Daddy, sit down.

You're making my head hurt.

It was here just a moment ago.

I can't seem to find it.

What are you looking for?

It's not really relevant.

The important thing
is that it's lost.

I can't find it.

Okay, but maybe if you tell
us what you're looking for,

we can help you find it.

Dear, once again,
you missed the point.

Always a point.

Well, I give up.

I guess it will be forever lost.

I must go.

I bid you all a fond adieu.

Ah, Dr. Leaver,
just hang on a second.

Let me fix your
tie for you, huh?

Thank you, Susie.

I wouldn't want to look shoddy.

Oh, there you are.

Not lost anymore.

Good work.

Thank you.

Thank you for doing that.

Daddy, is everything okay?

I hate to believe I'm
in need of assistance,

but I am in need of
assistance, everyone.

Look, I've been
an incredible idiot

and I'm willing to do
anything to make up for it.

I love you. Jack.

I really do.

But maybe two people can
love each other an awful lot

and they're still not
meant to be together.

Well, I don't know that
that's our case, so to speak.

I mean, we were right for each
other last week, were we not?

Sometimes in life you get
those moments of total clarity.

Has that ever happened to you?

- Clarity?
- Yeah.

Yeah, sadly I think
that's one of the things

that's passed me by
in my life, right?

Thus and therefore the reason
why I'm such an abhorrent ass.

You know, what I want to do.

I'm going to move out.

I'm going to go and stay
with my sister for a bit

while we, while I
figure my life out.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What about that moment
of clarity we just had?

What about that?

Clarity is what I've had
since the day I met you, Jack,

and wanting to spend the
rest of my life with you.

I've always been
clear about that.

The same clarity
that you're lacking.

I'm sorry, I gotta go.

That was a trick question.

Just because I have a
little bit of gray hair

doesn't mean I don't know
what I'm talking about.

I do.

All right, everyone, I think

we're getting
slightly off track.

Now we have a new member
to introduce to our group.

Everyone say hello to David.

It's a tough group, David,

as I'm sure you
could already tell.

But perhaps you would
like to speak to us a bit

about what you're
experiencing right now.

I'd like to know why he's
got that thing on his head,

if it gets a radio signal?

'Cause he looks like
Princess Leia in "Star Wars."

Geoff, quiet please.

But perhaps, David,
you explain to us

why you have those bandages.

I tried to kill myself, twice.

You
shot your ears off.

What are you, some
kind of an idiot?

Everyone knows if you
want to kill yourself

you just put the
gun under your chin.

No, in the mouth.

That'll get it done.

Blood splatter everywhere.

Guys, stop it.

I'm not looking for
a way to kill myself.

Oh really?

Yes, really.

Well, I think
somebody needs a hug.

Ow.

All right, carry on.

You know I hate church.

I hate church too.

You know, we're both
gonna go to hell.

Can I have a Bible?

Have you got one?

Since when do
you read the Bible?

I read it a lot.

It's very well written.

- Hello, Chester.
- Hi.

Do you come here?

Hello.

You must be Martina.

Marina.

Oh, Marina, yeah, quite right.

My apologies.

My daughter Laurel.

- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.

She's preggers.

That's Jewish for pregnant.

Without a husband too.

Daddy.

Well, there was a husband
originally, but he left.

Well, kicked her
out to be specific.

Now I'm stuck with her.

Daddy, stop it.

I'm sorry.

Well, what did I say wrong?

- Are you not pregnant?
- Yes.

- Husband left, correct?
- Yes.

You're living with me, right?

I give up.

You see, dear, I am totally
and completely correct.

I do tend to tell it like it is.

You certainly do.

Well, I got to piss.

I'm coming with you.

Yeah, let's drain
those lizards.

An interesting man.

He certainly is.

This is payback
for all the shit

we pulled in high
school, isn't it?

Yep.

They're not coming
back, are they?

Nope.

- Baseball on TV?
- Yep.

And we're alone
in an empty church.

Yep.

You want to get
the hell out of here?

Yes, please.

Looks good.

It's not so much a landscape

as much as it is an imprint
of my emotional state.

What the hell are
you talking about?

It means, it means
I'm feeling better.

Good, I'm glad.

Me too.

So, you still want
to kill yourself?

Not so much kill myself

as much as I want to continue
to take pieces off of my face.

You know, it seems
like such a shame

to stop considering so much
progress had been made.

Good. Well, progress is good.

One day at a time.

Oh, I hear you have
a fun new roomie.

Can I meet him?

You came all this way to
see my roomie and not me?

Don't ask questions you
don't want the answers to.

He's a handful, but
he makes me feel better.

It makes my problems feel
a little bit smaller.

For the record,
they always were.

Who's this?

Oh boy.

Relax, relax, he's harmless.

Oh boy.

Tell it to my ribs.

- Hey.
- Hi, I'm Geoff.

And you have luscious breasts.

Barking up the
wrong tree, buddy.

You like women?

- I do.
- Oh.

What's your favorite?

Geoff, stop it, come on.

No, no, it's fine.

Well, I like older women,

women with experience,
life experience.

Mm, I more meant like
big tits or small tits.

Oh, I'm a butt girl.

Me too.

Big butts or small butts?

Geoff, stop it.

So they've known
each other for decades

but never bothered to
introduce the families.

How peculiar.

Well, not unusual for my dad.

I think he's lost it.

Alzheimer's warning.

I was thinking that,

but he's always been
a little eccentric.

But I am worried.

What if he's not okay?

What about his patients?

What if he sticks an ear on
wrong or something silly?

Come on, he seemed fine to me.

But maybe you should stay close,

keep your eye on him,
see for yourself.

I suppose I could spy
on him a little bit.

It is a daughter's
duty after all.

Well maybe spying is
too harsh of a word.

Constant supervision is
a better way to put it.

And if he invites home
more American hitchhikers?

I'll kill him.

Got your papers right
here for you to both sign.

Thank you.

Your father's left you

as the sole beneficiary
of his estate.

I wouldn't exactly call
it an estate.

Which with real
estate holdings, bonds,

stock, cash in and
out of the country

works out to an estimated
4.5 million dollars.

4 million?

4.5 million.

4.5 million.

- 4.5 million?
- Mm-hm.

I still can't get over it.

I have never seen you
spend a penny on yourself

the entire time I've known you.

In fact, you've never
spent a cent on me either.

Well, you're going to
get it all soon enough.

That is not what I meant.

I just think you should spend

some of that money on yourself.

Take a vacation or something,
do something special.

I thought I was.

Giving it all to
me isn't special.

You need to do something
nice for yourself.

Like what?

A trip.

Trip? I hate
flying, I hate hotels.

Ah, how about our
new checkerboard?

You could buy 4
million checkerboards with that.

Let's try aiming for something
a little more interesting.

I like checkers.

Oh, Dad.

I do.

I'll tell you what, surprise me.

As long as I don't have
to leave this house

for more than a day, we
can do anything you want

and I promise I'll enjoy it.

- Really?
- Really.

You've got to play
me two out of three.

- Two out of three?
- Mm-hm.

So just two games
of checkers then.

Edward, this must
be very tough on you.

Well, I just want to know
what to do, what to expect.

Well, you were all
correct in your assumptions.

You are experiencing the
early stages of Alzheimer's,

but the very early stages.

The long goodbye.

Yes, it is known as that.

There isn't any medication
that I can give you

to stop or reverse the effects
that you are experiencing,

but I can give you
something to treat

the other symptoms of the
disease, such as dementia.

I highly recommend
that you give up

your practice, Edward, and soon.

I believe-

- Oh look, a crawling
pancreatic tumor,

very rare this time of year.

Must follow.

He's probably
having a rough time,

and allowing his
imagination to run wild

allows him to find
some sort of joy.

Or perhaps it's a
defense mechanism,

so not to be so afraid
of what the future holds.

How's the pregnancy going?

So far so good.

But it looks like I'll have
two children on my hands.

Yes, and they're
both going to need

a lot of attention and love.

You'll be fine.

Do you have anyone to help you?

This is all so strange to me.

What is?

Oh no, I'm just a
middle-aged woman babbling.

Oh no, you can talk to me.

What's on your mind?

You're a very
confusing young lady.

I'm not sure what
to do with you.

Confusing, how?

You seem to have
it all figured out.

You have such an understanding
of who and what you are.

I'm in my 40s, pregnant,

with not a whole lot
to look forward to.

How can you say that?

For one thing you're a brave
and beautiful 40 year old.

- 41.
- 41 year old.

And you have this baby coming.

I mean, how crazy is that?

You have an amazing life
and incredible father.

You're just about the
nicest woman I've ever met.

Okay, you're going
to make me blush.

I'm an old hag, a mean old hag.

And I like being one actually,
it's part of my charm.

When did you know you were gay?

Oh, I actually can't
remember not knowing.

But you're so pretty,
and you wear dresses,

and you put makeup on.

Hey, Laurel, being
gay does not dictate

how my hygiene or how I dress.

No, I know.

I was with a woman
once and I thought-

- Look, Laurel, I have enjoyed
spending time with you.

Everything is not sexual.

You don't have to move
every time I touch you.

I'm not trying to hit on you.

That's not why I'm trembling.

Oh wow, that was
such a shitbag thing.

That was a terrible...

All right, if you
do that one more time

you're just going to have
to come to bed with me.

Hello.

Terri?

Hello.

Your asshole of a boyfriend
is here to make amends.

So she's gone?

Every bit of
clothing, everything.

What are you going
to do about it?

Nothing I imagine.

What am I supposed to do?

She wants nothing to do with me.

Oh, I can't imagine
she wouldn't want

to have anything to do with you.

You guys were good together.

You only had one
problem as a couple.

Yeah, what was that?

You, you're an ass.

Yeah, I know.

Not just a little one either.

You big stupid ass asshole.

I know, thank you.

You finished?

Yeah.

I liked the egg salad.

You're getting better at it.

It's from a store, you ass.

It's in a box.

To inappropriately
change the subject,

would you mind taking
me to my checkup?

I'm not allowed
to drive anymore.

You never should have
been allowed to drive.

You're terrible.

Yes, absolutely, I can take you.

I wasn't aware you
couldn't drive anymore.

How long is that going to last?

I have multiple sclerosis.

Physically I'm going
to keep getting worse

and pretty soon
I'm going to die.

You gotta start paying attention
to the world around you

or you're just going to miss it.

Who is going to
take care of you?

You better not get weepy eyed.

I swear if you do, I'm
going to take this cane

and I am going to ram it so
far up your asshole, I promise.

You got it?

- I got it.
- Okay.

Do you want to
get out of here?

Ah, I'm too tired to move.

Can we just sit
here a little bit?

Okay.

Laurel, Laurel.

Darling, Laurel.

Are you up here? Laurel.

Laurel, darling, I
can't for the life of me

find my, lesbian.

Your what?

My lesbian.

No, no, I mean my lesbian.

Oh, I said it again.

I'll be right back.

Who's there?

Dr. Lesbian.

I mean, Dr. Leaver.

Come in, Daddy.

All right, I'm going
to try this again.

My tie.

Have you seen my maroon tie?

Yes, it's in the garbage.

It was horrid.

Right, understood.

What about my yellow tie?

Horrid.

Are there any of my
ties in the house

that you haven't thrown out?

Your red and green tie is
in the closet downstairs.

All right, I'll just
go and pull it out,

out of the closet.

I'm going to leave now.

I trust I'll see both of
you later this evening

at my retirement party?

Of course.

Do you want us to
bring anything?

No, I can see that you
have your hands full.

You seen her?

Have you seen her?

Seen who?

I can't find her.

She's gone.

Find who?

Who are you talking about?

I keep looking,

I've been looking
for a long time

and I can't figure
out where she is, man.

You okay, man?

You want me to call the nurse?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

They're going to make me forget.

I don't want to forget.

It's right here.

Every morning I wake up and
I smell the same feeling

and they always make me forget.

But why would they do that?

Want me to
help you remember?

- Would you?
- Yeah.

You need a hug?

Not particularly.

All right.

Terri, phone call.

Who is it?

Someone who says that he
will absolutely slit his wrists

if you don't speak to
him right this minute.

Did he give a name?

As in there'd
be more than one?

How many men do you have
willing to slit their wrists?

More than enough actually.

Tell him to bugger off, will ya?

- Seriously.
- Okay.

Yeah, not going to happen.

- Really?
- Yep.

What?

- She said that?
- She did.

And you told her the whole
part about slitting my wrists?

- Yep.
- Oh, very cold.

Good luck with that.

All right, bye.

All right, time for
a new mode of attack.

And that would be game.

Oh, for crying out loud.

I lost again. I know, sadly.

Sadly outclassed.

You are so mean.

Well, I could treat
you like a child

and let you win if you'd like.

Perhaps that's what I'm
doing, letting you win.

Unlikely.

You broke my arm
trying to steal home

in a family baseball game.

When I'm playing catcher,
nobody's steals home on me.

I was six.

So what?

Which
is why you're never

going to beat me
at anything again.

Let's play.

Dr. Leaver.

Hi, just wanted to wish you
well on your retirement.

And I hope you enjoyed
your dinner tonight.

Oh well, thank you,
thank you very much.

You're welcome.

You're looking
awfully white tonight.

Perhaps you could wear
a badge or something.

Pardon me?

Oh, no need to
pardon yourself.

But do yourself a favor
and find an optometrist.

He can help you out with that
colorblindness in no time.

She's the chef, Daddy.

Of course, dear,
but it doesn't

make her any less colorblind.

Dinner is lovely, thank you.

Yeah, sumptuous,
except for the escargot.

It looked an awful
lot like snails.

Oh no.

I will make sure we
do better next time.

Excellent.

And about the lobster. I-

- Daddy, a pancreatic tumor.

Right.

The dinner is lovely.

Why don't you pull up a chair

and join us for a while
until I do my speech.

So let me get this straight.

You have no recommendations
for a costume

for a man trying to win back
the woman of his dreams.

Perhaps a fuzzy bunny.

Girls all like fuzzy bunnies.

Yeah, I'm not sure
that necessarily says

virile young man, you know.

You didn't ask for virile.

You asked for a woman catcher.

Fuzzy bunny costumes
always worked for me.

You've done this
before, Have you?

Of course.

How else do I get laid?

Yeah, still, I think I'm
gonna need something different.

Something that's never
been done before, you know,

something powerful or dynamic.

I think I got just the thing.

First of all, I'd
like to thank you all

for coming tonight.

Hopefully it won't
be the last time

I remember seeing all of you.

To our colorblind chef,

I'd like to thank you
for a delicious meal.

I'd also like to thank Dr. Kelly

for not only being my friend,

but to have the
testicular fortitude

to tell me to quit my job
and become a mindless nitwit.

I'd like to thank Sarah Forkey

for teaching me the
meaning of French

and for knowing that blow is
not just a figure of speech.

Of course, Sarah's not
here right now, but if she-

- Daddy, Daddy.

Was, oh right.

But most importantly,

I'd like to thank my beautiful,
talented daughter Laurel.

Not only is Laurel going to
make me a proud grandfather

in a few months, but she's
also given me the pleasure

of moving in with me while
she learns to be a lesbian.

I'm surprised it took her
this long to figure out.

She didn't have a
boyfriend until she was 20.

And she liked tennis a little
too much for my liking.

Welcome to knowing
who you are, dear.

The truth is, life
is about love.

And no matter what,
there's nothing ever wrong

with loving and being loved.

A man has only two
things in this life

that he ever really needs.

First of all, to be loved.

And secondly, death?

Hello, everyone.

Welcome, death.

Here for dessert, are you?

Excellent, come, sit.

No, I'm here for Terri.

She's a bit young,
don't you think?

Take the old fart in the
corner, why don't ya?

I mean, it'll you
save you a trip later.

No, no,
I'm here for Terri.

Jack, is that you?

Surprise.

Why are you dressed
as the Grim Reaper?

It's my way of saying I'll
die if you don't take me back.

Please take me back.

You dressed up as
death to win me back?

Well, yeah.

I mean, it's probably
not the best costume

I could have picked.

You came to my restaurant,

you interrupted this
man's retirement dinner,

and you're dressed
like this, why?

Because, because I love you.

Hey, what are you doing?

We have to find her tonight.

Why, dude?

You said you'd help me.

- You promised.
- Ssh.

Any idea where we're going.

Absolutely not, no.

But that's never
stopped me before.

All right, let's do it.

Okay. Go, that way.

Okay, go.

Keep going.

Oh, shit, shit, shit.

Hold on.

What are you doing?

Gotta sign out.

We have to sign out.

Go.

Can you see her?

See who?

My angel, man.

You have an angel?

Yeah, the best part
of my life is my angel.

You don't have one?

Oh, everyone should
have an angel.

I don't.

I wish I did.

What's she look like?

See, that's what I'm
trying to remember.

They gave me all these
drugs to make me forget.

I don't want to forget, Dave.

I want to remember.

Some nights she's there

and I reach out to touch
her and she's gone.

Well, I can't
help you find her

if I don't know
what she looks like.

Hey, why'd you
bring me here, man?

You do realize
that I could suspend

your treatment for this.

Yeah, look, he
wanted to leave.

I thought it was best
if I followed him.

No harm was done.

Are you sure about that?

Look, Geoff is a
very special case.

He doesn't need any road trips

beside the water in the
middle of the night.

You could have done some
serious damage to him.

You have all your
faculties intact.

Geoff, on the other hand,

he won't be leaving
here anytime soon.

This is his home.

You must realize this.

Are you saying he
can't get any better?

I thought he just had his head
busted in a football game.

Is that what he told you?

Yeah, he said that Margaret
Thatcher busted his melon.

What else did he tell you?

Well, that he
had his own angel

and he couldn't remember her

because of all the drugs
you guys are giving him.

Look, I know it sounds crazy.

Yes, angel, yes, yes, yes.

Quite tragic indeed.

What if I talked
to his family?

Maybe they can stop all this.

I'm afraid his family won't
be involved in his treatment.

And why not?

Because Geoff's
family is dead.

Geoff never played football.

A number of years back he
took his family ice fishing.

The ice cracked and the wife
and daughter both drowned.

There was nothing he could do.

Eventually he ended up here
after a few stops in between.

You really didn't know?

They found him in the
water searching for them.

They figured he'd been
there for quite a while

before anyone even noticed.

They had to physically
drag him out of the water.

He wouldn't get out.

He should have froze
to death from the cold.

It's a minor miracle.

He was inconsolable,
to say the least.

I believe they had to
literally knock him out cold

to keep him from jumping
back into the water.

So you understand that he cannot

be encouraged to go find them.

Does he know they're dead?

The wife, yes.

I think he grasped that.

His daughter, no.

He was so distraught that when
they told him about the wife,

he became violent
and unmanageable.

We've medicated him enough
to keep him under control.

But therapy simply
has not worked so far.

But we'll keep trying.

So you guys are medicating him

to prevent him from
loving too much.

You no longer
need to be here, David.

It's time for you to leave.

I realize that he's
become your friend.

But you have to trust
me that we're acting

only with his best
interests in mind.

I think I know
what I want to do for you.

Do you?

That's nice.

Do you want to know?ú

Not particularly.

I'm confident that you'll
tell me eventually.

And even better yet,
you'll just do it.

Your move.

Oh, sorry I said that.

You gonna be okay?

You know, I've been
curious about you

since you came in here.

Yes, I have, yeah.

You know why?

'Cause you don't look
like the suicidal type.

Not that there's a type
to that sort of thing,

I suppose, but you don't.

Life's hard, it's really tough.

Some days you think you
got the tiger by the tail

when all along it's got you.

What do you mean?

Well, it's like
this, you know,

like everybody has
their tiger, right?

It's a ghost that
lives inside us.

It's that monster
that chases you

through your dreams at
night and won't let you go,

always trying to catch ya.

But here's the
thing, it's not real.

No, it's only real
if you let it be.

But it's hard not
to because it stirs

everything up in here, right?

It's all the couldas
and shouldas and wouldas

and why didn't I, and why did I.

It's always tearing
and ripping at ya.

But it's not real.

You know what John
F. Kennedy said?

John F. Kennedy said, "Those
people who foolishly ride

"the back of the tiger for power

"eventually end up inside it."

Now that may not
mean much to you,

but it means an awful lot to me,

because I took it to mean

that if you try to
control the tiger,

it'll eventually eat you alive.

But here's the thing.

The tiger is life.

It's life.

You know, it's beautiful,
it's fearsome, and strong.

It's good and it's bad.

It's everything.

So enjoy the beauty of it

in all its complexity
and trouble, fear.

And if you can do that,

then life will get
a whole lot easier.

Yes it will.

Melvin, you lost me
a bit at the JFK part,

but that last part made sense.

I feel like I feel better.

Why are you still in here?

I guess I just
like watching tigers.

Merry Christmas to you.

- You're late.
- Yeah.

Grab one of these.

Are you feeling better?

Ah, day one, you know.

Oh, nothing like being
a family at Christmas.

I only have two
rules in this house

and I'll expect you to abide
by both of them at all times.

Yes, sir, I understand.

First of all,
there's no shooting

your ears off in the house.

Outside on the walkway is fine,

but there'll be no
bleeding ear cavities

in the pantry or
in the living room.

I've taken the liberty of
making some signs in places

for you to shoot your ears
off and where you shouldn't.

This sign I believe
is self-explanatory.

I designed it myself.

And this sign is
designed to let you

shoot yourself as
much as you please.

I don't think you
have to worry about me-

- Shooting your ears off again.

I thought I told you
not to do that in here.

Oh, let's start again.

No, sorry, Dr. Leaver.

I won't do it again, I promise.

What was the second thing?

Oh, the second thing.

There'll be absolutely no
sleeping with the lesbians.

Not that I think
you have a chance.

You've got a penis, boy.

What good would that
do you with a lesbian

for crying out loud?

That's like bringing
a samurai sword

to a jello eating contest.

Lesbians don't want pepperoni.

They want peaches.

Least you can do is
leave your sword at home

and not be disturbing
their jello.

Yeah, you are enormous.

You're not helping.

Gigantic, monstrous even.

How the hell did
you get that on?

I'm not sure the physics
of it are even possible.

Messing with a
seriously pregnant woman

might not be healthy
for your wellbeing.

I think you look great.

I'm a pregnant dyke.

I wish I didn't have to
go to this thing tonight.

I don't feel very feminine.

I never do.

You have curves in
all the wrong places

and now they're just
much, much larger.

I think you look stunning.

You're lovely,
and full of shit.

You look very feminine.

How could you say that?

I look more like
Hardy than Laurel.

Oh, there is nothing more
feminine than a pregnant woman.

And there is no one more
beautiful than you tonight.

But feel free to have
that baby anytime

'cause you're getting
too big for the bed.

Yes?

Oh, are you sure
I want to be here?

You promised that you
were going to be good.

It's taken me a long time
to plan this thing out.

Now you're going to go
in and have a good time

if it kills you or not.

Well, depending
how long it lasts

and I have to be here,
it probably will.

You can stop that
kind of talk right now.

Will I know anybody?

Probably not.

The party is for you, after all.

Now get in there.

Okay.

Where did all these
people come from?

Did you buy them?

Everybody's here
because they wanted

to come celebrate your life.

Hm.

Since you are dying
later tonight and all.

Come on, let's go.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Don't wait.

I'll just tell everyone
you got me drunk

and left me here alone, okay?

I'm happy to walk with you,
even if it takes all night.

And at this pace, it
just might, all right?

Besides, it's Christmas, and
it's your privilege and duty

to watch your younger brother

make a complete
ass of himself, so.

Oh, just like every year.

Yes, absolutely.

On behalf of my
father and myself,

I'd like to thank you
for coming tonight

to share both Christmas
Eve and to participate

in a celebration of
my father's life.

Mr. Templeton.

You may not remember
me, but I used

to play baseball for
you when I was younger.

Oh.

You had a saying you
told us before every game

that if you played your hardest,

it doesn't matter
if you win or lose

because in essence
you've already won

because you've been
true to yourself.

Thank you for being
a part of my life.

And to give this to you.

Thank you.

- Evening, Chester.
- Evening, sir.

Oh yes, thank you.

I wrote this down
because otherwise

I'd tell you something
about nothing

and confuse the living
crap out of both of us.

Dr. Leaver, your note.

Oh, whoops again.

Chester, we've been
friends for over 30 years

and never once had an argument.

I can honestly say that I
hold no other man's opinion

in higher regard
than I do yours.

You are a good
man, a loving man.

Your impact on my life
has been significant.

And the memory of you
will stay in my mind long,

long after the rest of
the shit has fallen out.

This is for you.

I believe it's a suppository.

Thank you for your
life and your spirit.

Thank you, God bless you.

I love him.

Oh.

I just wanted
to take this time

to thank our
wonderful chef Terri

for providing us with an
absolutely delicious dinner.

And there's someone else here

who would like to say
a few words to Terri.

Jack?

What the hell is going on?

A last ditch
effort it looks like.

Just give him a couple of minutes
to say what's on his mind.

Sorry for interrupting
your dinner.

Hopefully this
doesn't turn out to be

one of those horrid stories
from Christmas past.

And if it does, I'd
like to apologize

profusely beforehand
for any scarring.

Several months
ago, I did perhaps

one of the stupidest
things in my life.

And considering the mass amount
of stupidity that I've done,

that's saying an awful lot.

Something that my sister
can attest to, I'm sure.

After spitting reindeer
testes at my girlfriend

I told her that I was planning
a life without children

and insinuated that I didn't
want to spend my life with her.

Now I have tried to make up
for it 100 different ways

from flowers to letters, to
dressing up as a Grim Reaper.

You know, all of the things

that men try to do
to woo someone back.

And to be honest,
I failed miserably.

I've done nothing more than
embarrass the both of us.

Now Terri, I have no
more flowers to give

and I was never
that good at poetry.

And, to be honest, I don't
think that you'd take me back

even if I roped the moon and
brought it to your back door.

But it's Christmas, and
Christmas is about family.

And I realized how
much I want one

and how much I
want one with you.

You asked me before
about clarity

and I gave you a
terrible answer,

which wasn't completely untrue.

Like a lot of things in
my life, I am unclear.

But the one thing I can
say with upmost certainty

is that I'm in love with you.

And if you're willing to spend

the rest of your life with me,

I promise to make sure that
you never doubt that again.

You're proposing?

I wouldn't say
that, unless I would.

Yeah?

If I ever would have
know it was that easy,

I would have done
this months ago.

Touching.

It's touching, isn't it?

I mean, it almost makes
you want to cry just a bit.

Just don't judge.

I'm just in touch with my
sensitive side right now.

It's very.

I need to leave.

Leave, why?

I gotta, I gotta do
something for a friend.

I just, I gotta go.

But what about Christmas?

It's all about family, right?

It really is.

And mine is not all here.

Hey, are you okay?

I'm not sure.

What's the matter, dear?

Oh my God, my water broke.

Oh, at Christmas,
that's simply absurd.

I've seen that look before.

Your mother gave it to me
just before you were born.

Okay, we need to
get her to a hospital.

Oh no.

I think it's coming.

Shouldn't we let a
doctor decide that?

- Ah.
- Oh, Daddy.

No, no, no, you have
at least a few hours

after the water breaks.

You're overexaggerating.

Of course, it might
be a good idea

to have a doctor look at you.

Is there a doctor in the house?

Yeah, you.

Oh, oh, yes, yes.

You're right.

But you do realize, of
course, that I'm retired now.

Well you still know how to
deliver a baby though, right?

Of course I do, pumpkin.

But the question is,
can I do it well?

Well, you're going to have to.

I don't want to.

What do you mean
you don't want to?

Well, baby delivering
is an awful mess.

Blood everywhere.

Large chunks of
flesh flowing out,

screaming, irrational women.

Daddy, if you don't
deliver this baby right now,

you're going to get a
bird's-eye view of my fist.

You could have
just said please, dear.

Do you see anything?

I'm not blind.

Just mentally incapacitated.

Of course I can see.

You're going to be
all right, just breathe.

You know, just like at class.

Yeah, yeah,
that's a good idea.

Keep breathing, dear.

It helps with the live birth.

And we can do without
all the noise.

It makes it very
difficult to concentrate.

You don't want me
making a mistake now.

I can see you're not going
to be civil about this.

So let's just push and
get this over with.

Yeah, the head is coming out.

It's human.

Daddy, I swear to God.

- Oh crunch.
- What, what what?

There's only half a baby here.

I've got the head and the torso.

Nothing else.

Oh, wait a second.

I stand corrected.

It hadn't finished coming out.

Oh, three quarters of a baby.

That's much better.

And no one really
likes half babies.

At least with a
three quarter baby

they can wiggle around
on their stumps.

It's a joke.

You'd think people would have
a sense of humor at Christmas.

God.

Seriously, just one more
push should just about do it.

One more and all that's
left is the lifelong torment

of what we call
bringing up a child.

Ready?

Your life will never be the
same, tragic as that may sound.

- Yes, yes.
- Okay, push.

Yes, yes.

Okay, you can push.

Come on, come on, you can do it.

Come on, that's it,
that's it, that's.

Is it all right?

Yeah, no,
no, no, it's fine.

Here we go.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh.

Thank you for
the greatest party.

Thank you very much.

Thank you so much.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Thank you, sir.

Are you sure you
want to do this?

It's going to hurt.

We can go back any time.

Hey, man, my
life's full of hurt.

You said it's going to
answer some questions,

so yeah, yeah, let's do it.

Hey, that's my present, right?

It's my angel.

You found her.

That's your wife, Geoff.

Her name was Julia.

And your angel
was your daughter.

- Her name was-
- Angeline.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Geoff.
- No.

You think because you're
out of the hospital now

you can cure me, is that it?

This is your wife.

This is your daughter.

Yeah, and they
drowned a few years ago.

I know.

You did everything you could.

No.

No, I didn't.

No, I didn't.

So what, this is
where they live?

This is where you live.

They'd want you to be well.

They'd want you to move on.

Hi.

I have a present for you.

Right.

What's that?

I wrote about
our time together.

And I included passages from
everyone that was here too.

I was hoping that
you would read it.

Well, I don't have a
lot of time to read now,

but I'm sure it's wonderful.

How about a game then?

You're on.

I've got gold pieces,
and you have what?

Red.

I hear they're lucky.

It is.

Good girl.

I needed a hug.

Dad?

Dad?

You win one game
of checkers and...

Oh no, Daddy.

No, God.

I'm afraid I had to tape this
bit with the help of Edward,

specifically, of course, to
tell you that I told you so.

Stop smiling.

I'm dead, for crying out loud.

Dammit, a man should have
tears at a time like this.

I'm a simple man.

I tell things simply.

I just wanted you
to know you were

my one great compass
throughout my life,

and I'll see you in 40 years.

I'll be waiting for
you for the next game.

And I love you.

There are two sure
things in life.

The first is death.

The second is that you
have the ability in life

to do anything or be anything,

and to hope for
anything you want to.

You'll have tragedy,
but you will find love.

You will all have a
defining moment in your life

that will carry with you
till the end of time.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull