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1
00:00:02,370 --> 00:00:02,570
**
2
00:00:04,772 --> 00:00:06,407
The wedding is tomorrow
3
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:09,410
and the bridesmaids' dresses
aren't even here yet.
4
00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:11,645
The florist says that they're
out of baby's breath
5
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:14,382
and he's gonna replace it
with eucalyptus,
6
00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:16,084
which is gonna make
the entire church
7
00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:18,086
smell like cough medicine.
8
00:00:18,119 --> 00:00:21,155
Oh, and after our ceremony,
there's a funeral,
9
00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:24,192
so there is gonna be a casket
off to the side
10
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:27,561
reminding us that as we
start our new lives together,
11
00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:30,098
someone's going
the other way.
12
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:32,166
You've got this.
13
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:33,567
The wedding's
gonna be great.
14
00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:34,802
[ Cellphone dings ]
15
00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:38,772
Oh, more good news --
the weather report.
16
00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:40,274
There's a storm coming in.
17
00:00:40,308 --> 00:00:41,709
A storm of love.
18
00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:43,211
[ Scoffs ]
19
00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:45,413
Your father is useless.
20
00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:46,880
Uselessly in love.
21
00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:51,919
So, I know I probably don't
even need to ask you this
22
00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:55,123
because it would be cruel
and insensitive,
23
00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:57,458
but Ben is not coming
to the wedding, right?
24
00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:59,927
[ Laughs ] Funny you should
mention that. Yes, he is.
25
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,595
[ Scoffs ] Why didn't
you tell me?
26
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:04,398
Well, I was going to,
but...
27
00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:06,100
this.
28
00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:08,269
Look, honey,
he's my business partner,
29
00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:10,271
and the rest of
the family loves him.
30
00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:13,141
Do you have any idea
how incredibly awkward
31
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,708
this is gonna be for me?
32
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:17,044
Nope. I married
my high-school sweetheart
33
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,546
and made that last
for 46 years.
34
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,314
Just sayin'.
35
00:01:20,348 --> 00:01:23,317
Uh, yeah, if you subtract
sleeping, drinking beer,
36
00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:25,486
and "working on your motorcycle
in the garage,"
37
00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:27,488
you guys had
like three good years.
38
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,790
Look, I know the wedding's
gonna be hard,
39
00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:32,760
but just try to avoid Ben
the best you can.
40
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:35,095
We sat him and his plus-one
at another table.
41
00:01:35,129 --> 00:01:36,630
What?!
42
00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:37,631
What?!
43
00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:39,233
He's bringing a date?!
44
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:40,734
When were you
gonna tell me that?
45
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:41,802
[ Sighs ]
46
00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:43,271
At the last
possible minute,
47
00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:45,506
and if you want to know why,
listen to your tone.
48
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:47,241
I mean,
why would he do that?
49
00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:48,676
Is he trying to
stick it to me?
50
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:50,978
Or maybe he just wants to prove
that he can find somebody
51
00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:52,313
before I do.
52
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:54,582
That is so pathetic
and small.
53
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,484
Now I only have one day
to find someone
54
00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,319
to make him
feel like crap!
55
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:03,090
-- Captions by VITAC --
56
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:10,130
**
57
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:18,138
**
58
00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:25,579
**
59
00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:34,422
**
60
00:02:37,425 --> 00:02:39,293
Is it appropriate
to serve wings
61
00:02:39,327 --> 00:02:41,195
at a wedding reception
in a church?
62
00:02:41,229 --> 00:02:43,331
Well,
not an angel's wings --
63
00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:45,233
unless they're, you know,
parmesan-garlic.
64
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,369
God...[ Sighs ]
65
00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:51,472
I am so nervous about
being at the wedding.
66
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,006
It's my first
big social event
67
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,642
where everybody's
gonna be drinking.
68
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,076
Well, you can't pick up
a drink
69
00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:57,811
if you've already got one
in your hand,
70
00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:00,147
so you just carry
a Shirley Temple around all night.
71
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:03,050
Oh, finally!
A cure for alcoholism.
72
00:03:05,219 --> 00:03:06,487
So...[ Sighs ]
73
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,256
I'm bringing a date
to the wedding.
74
00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:09,657
Don't make
a big deal about it.
75
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:13,060
Oooooooooooh!Oooooooooooh!
76
00:03:13,093 --> 00:03:15,563
Who's the damaged guy?
77
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,097
Okay, I'll tell you,
but you can't say anything
78
00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:19,333
to my mom, okay?
Uh-oh.
79
00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,235
No, it--
it's not like that.
80
00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:23,203
He's a tattoo artist
I work with, and he's sweet
81
00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:25,506
and supportive
and he respects me,
82
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,840
and he's 38
and he's got two kids. Bye.
83
00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,542
No, no! Hang on.
84
00:03:28,576 --> 00:03:30,344
He's 38?!
85
00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:31,945
Well, hey, you're dating
somebody younger.
86
00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:33,614
Why I can't I date
somebody older?
87
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,749
Yeah, we're both about 20 years
different in age
88
00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:37,685
from our dates,
but you're 19.
89
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,353
And stupid.
90
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:42,022
Hey, I called you
my cool aunt in public.
91
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,224
We were all stupid
at 19.
92
00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:47,060
You've only had
one bad relationship.
93
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:48,929
Before your aunt
foolishly dated a man
94
00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:51,064
who's too young for her,
she prepared herself
95
00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:53,967
by having many,
many bad relationships.
96
00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:55,903
Good point.
97
00:03:57,104 --> 00:03:59,307
And you cannot surprise
your mom with this
98
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,074
at your
grandfather's wedding.
99
00:04:01,108 --> 00:04:02,476
Well, that's exactly
what I'm going to do.
100
00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:03,644
She won't be able to
freak out
101
00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:05,245
'cause she has to maintain
for Grandpa.
102
00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:07,114
Now, when you say "Grandpa,"
do you mean
103
00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:09,517
your actual grandfather
or your date?
104
00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:12,753
**
105
00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:15,088
[ Clears throat ]
106
00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:16,457
By the way you're oilin'
that chain,
107
00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:18,926
I can tell you're pretty excited
for tomorrow.
108
00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:21,395
I'm just
holding it together.
109
00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:23,331
I'm nervous as hell.
110
00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:26,266
Best thing I can do right now
is be a cheerleader for Louise.
111
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:27,735
Disaster!
112
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,169
We got
the bridesmaids' dresses
113
00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:31,772
and they are all
the wrong sizes!
114
00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:33,341
I'm sure it'll be fine.
115
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:36,910
Actually, the -- the -- the --
the dressmaker screwed up
116
00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:40,280
and she did it in Italian sizes
instead of US.
117
00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:42,950
[ Italian accent ]
Ey, that's-a crazy!
118
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:44,452
Will you just
take 'em off?
119
00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:47,955
I-I-It's making me anxious
just to look at them.
120
00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:50,257
[ Sighs ]
This is impossible.
121
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,159
I had a dream
of a perfect wedding,
122
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:54,194
and now it's just
a nightmare.
123
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:56,964
I can't find the flowers
and the dresses are all wrong,
124
00:04:56,997 --> 00:05:00,534
and people are yelling at me
about where they're seated.
125
00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:01,935
I am overwhelmed.
126
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:05,939
Look, these are just
the last bumps in the road.
127
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:08,308
We're almost there.
128
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:10,544
No, Dan.
129
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:12,946
I want out.
130
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,848
I-I-I-I think we should
just live together.
131
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:16,384
You were right.
132
00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:19,286
You didn't even want to do
all this, and I forced you.
133
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:22,155
Just call everybody --
tell them I'm sick.
134
00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:24,191
Look, I know it sounds crazy
right now,
135
00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:26,727
but 14 hours from now, you'll be
doing the chicken dance
136
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,896
and feeling great.
137
00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:31,231
[ Sighs ]
You're not hearing me, Dan.
138
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:33,734
This is too much.
139
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:35,769
I don't think I want this
anymore.
140
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:40,140
I should go talk to her.
141
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,341
No, give her some space.
142
00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:43,343
She's embarrassed because
she asked for all this.
143
00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:45,413
The only way you
can really help her
144
00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:47,881
is if you take all this
off her plate.
145
00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,550
There's one day!
146
00:05:49,583 --> 00:05:51,351
I don't know how to fix
any of this!
147
00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:52,486
Come on!
148
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,221
Your woman's in trouble!
149
00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:56,390
You gonna stand by
watching her drown?
150
00:05:56,424 --> 00:05:58,992
No, you're gonna jump in
and pull her to safety.
151
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,694
Well, if she has to wait for me
to fix a dress
152
00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:02,730
or find baby's breath,
she's going under.
153
00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:05,232
Dan, you're the family fixer!
154
00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:06,500
You fix things!
155
00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:08,502
Somebody's got a problem,
who do they go to?
156
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:10,838
They go to Dan!
You really gonna let her down?
157
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,840
No! No! Of course not!
Yeah!
158
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,408
All right.
I'm taking over.
159
00:06:14,442 --> 00:06:15,909
Yeah.
160
00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:17,911
Give me some duct tape
and let me at them dresses.
161
00:06:17,945 --> 00:06:21,615
Okay, it's not your fault
that that's an idiotic idea.
162
00:06:21,649 --> 00:06:23,083
It's our fault
163
00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:25,919
for trying to domesticate men
and bring them inside our homes.
164
00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:27,788
You're outside animals.
165
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,223
**
166
00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:32,893
Okay, I think we're ready
to load the van.
167
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,695
Let's get this old goat
hitched.
168
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,097
[ Bleats ]
169
00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:38,532
Have you heard
from Louise?
170
00:06:38,566 --> 00:06:40,033
Wedding's in a few hours.
171
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,234
I know
it's in a few hours.
172
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:43,270
I've been texting her
all morning, telling her
173
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:45,773
I've got everything
under control, but nothing.
174
00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:47,107
I'm starting to
freak out.
175
00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:48,141
What if
she doesn't show up?
176
00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:50,377
Oh, no,
she'll be there.
177
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,880
Just 'cause she's been
a single woman her whole life
178
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,382
doing what she wants,
going wherever she pleases,
179
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:56,750
that doesn't mean
she's not gonna want to be
180
00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:58,986
tied down...to...
181
00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:01,655
You know what? Let's get
all this stuff in the van.
182
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,659
The weather service has just
issued a severe weather alert
183
00:07:05,693 --> 00:07:07,628
[ Knock on door ]
for Chicago, including Elgin,
184
00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:10,598
Lanford, and the surrounding
communities.
185
00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:12,500
[ Thunder rumbling,
rain falling ]
186
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:13,634
Hey!
187
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,168
Mikey!
188
00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:17,304
I didn't think
you were gonna show.
189
00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:18,606
Why wouldn't I?
190
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:23,744
You know,
because after the sex,
191
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:25,479
you were all in love with me
and stuff.
192
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:27,648
[ Sighs ] I'm fine.
193
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:29,449
I've got those feelings
in check.
194
00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:30,784
I know you're not ready
for a relationship
195
00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:32,352
because you're a drunkard.
196
00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:34,154
A big one.
197
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:37,090
That's why I appreciate
your support.
198
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,526
It's gonna be hard
not to have a drink
199
00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:40,961
when everybody's getting
plastered at the wedding.
200
00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:43,764
[ Gasps ] Ooh, maybe
you should keep a Shirley Temple
201
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,465
in your hand all night.
202
00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:48,301
Wow. I gotta go
apologize to my aunt.
203
00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:54,975
Hey.
Hey, Mikey!
204
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,043
Okay, the rain's
getting worse.
205
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:57,477
We better get
on the road.
206
00:07:57,511 --> 00:07:59,346
Grab your stuff.
207
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:03,183
Hey.
208
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:07,020
Wait, so, you actually planned
to ride over here
209
00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:11,024
on a scooter in the rain,
put me on the back of it
210
00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:12,526
all made up for a wedding,
211
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:16,496
and then ride six miles
to the church?
212
00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:18,298
I-I brought you
your own trash bag.
213
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:21,001
Oh, gee, without knowing
my size?
214
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,070
I'm a 13-gallon,
for future reference.
215
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:26,640
Hey!
216
00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:29,577
I was coming over to see
if anybody needed a ride,
217
00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:32,079
but then my car stalled
after I swerved
218
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,181
into a flooded pothole
trying to avoid
219
00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:37,184
this idiot on a scooter
wearing a trash bag.
220
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:40,053
Ah! And, of course,
it was you!
221
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:42,890
What the hell
is he doing here?
222
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:44,558
Well, you were bringing
a plus-one,
223
00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:46,727
so I decided
to do the same.
224
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,996
My plus-one was my mom.
225
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:51,699
Dude's mom
won't even date him.
226
00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:54,568
She decided not to come because
[As Mom] "it sounds like
227
00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:57,504
a super-spreader event,
and COVID probably won't be
228
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,506
the worst of it."
229
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,241
Well, I didn't know that.
230
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:03,043
Oh, well, hey,
it's all right.
231
00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:05,178
It's not like you've ever done
anything impetuous before
232
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,047
without considering
the consequences.
233
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,617
Okay, we can discuss
our shattered lives in the van.
234
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:11,051
Let's go.
235
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:13,420
One question.
236
00:09:13,453 --> 00:09:15,756
"Impetuous" means doing
something quickly without care
237
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:18,258
or consideration for how
it affects other people.
238
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:19,693
So, it has nothing to do
with being hungry?
239
00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:24,932
We're running late.
Can't you drive any faster?
240
00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:28,301
This is flat farmland.
241
00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:30,437
I've seen what these winds
are capable of.
242
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:32,873
Do you know what it's like to
take a loved one to identify
243
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:35,375
a cow with a pig
through it?
244
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:36,977
Hey, Neville,
what is this thing?
245
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:39,112
It's a horse speculum.
246
00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:41,649
Wow. Those things
must be huge.
247
00:09:41,682 --> 00:09:43,216
Look at this.
248
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:44,785
You can crank this thing
even wider.
249
00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:46,486
Put that down.
250
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:49,256
I'm sure you and the professor
will be very happy together.
251
00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:50,824
We're --
We're not together.
252
00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,559
And I am not
a professor.
253
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,261
Would you stop?!
254
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:56,496
I'm nervous enough about the
wedding without having to listen
255
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:59,466
to you idiots yammer about
what goes inside a horse.
256
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,837
Jackie:
Hey, it's Twister Hunters!
257
00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:07,074
You guys onto something
today?!
258
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,009
You might want to
turn back!
259
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,844
A couple of funnels
have touched down in the west,
260
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:13,681
but the cell could move
to the south!
261
00:10:13,714 --> 00:10:16,016
Oh, my God!
That's my therapist.
262
00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:19,119
Dr. Harding?
263
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,520
What are you doing?
264
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:23,490
You're a psychologist.
Why are you chasing tornadoes?
265
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:25,592
Oh, hey, Darlene!
266
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,161
Uh, my ex-wife told me
that I hide in my office
267
00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:31,164
to avoid life
and, uh, that I'm boring.
268
00:10:31,198 --> 00:10:34,467
I'll tell ya, I'm sitting here
driving into a tornado!
269
00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:36,603
Doesn't feel boring
to me!
270
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,772
I'm pretty sure
I'm gonna die!
271
00:10:38,806 --> 00:10:43,476
But you give me advice, and what
you're doing is insane!
272
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:46,814
Well, you gotta do as I say,
not as I do, Darlene.
273
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:48,716
How are the panic attacks
coming?
274
00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:50,884
Well, I'm sitting in this van
with my ex
275
00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:53,220
and the guy that I was gonna go
to Hawaii with,
276
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,823
and a psychic told me that
the only way I'm ever gonna
277
00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:59,559
figure out my life is if I go on
a spiritual journey.
278
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:01,995
Sounds like driving into
a tornado is the best thing
279
00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:04,364
that could happen to you
right now!
280
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:05,498
Good luck!
281
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:08,969
Great.
282
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:12,239
If I die in the same van
as Billy Bong-Water over here,
283
00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:13,340
I'll never forgive you.
284
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:15,408
Of course you won't.
You'll be dead.
285
00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:17,510
[ Scoffs ] And you were gonna
marry this guy?
286
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:21,581
**
287
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:23,016
Hi.
288
00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:24,251
Oh, hey.
289
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,519
I'm Darlene.
290
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:28,555
Oh, a snake
with a devil's head.
291
00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:31,158
Cool.
[ Laughs ] Thanks.
292
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,860
You must be one of the guys
in Louise's band.
293
00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:34,895
Oh, no.
294
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:36,329
But I was
in a gang once.
295
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,665
It's kind of like a band,
but if you make a mistake,
296
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:41,334
they -- mm! --
shoot you in the face.
297
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,403
Oh, well,
thanks for coming.
298
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:44,671
[ Laughs ]
Uh, hi, Mom.
299
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,073
I see you've met
my date.
300
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:47,107
This is Aldo.
301
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,742
We work together
at the tattoo shop.
302
00:11:48,776 --> 00:11:50,110
We could fight about it
right now, but that'd be
303
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,745
really selfish
on Grandpa's big day.
304
00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:53,080
See you later.
305
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,549
What was that about?
306
00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:58,351
I have no idea.
307
00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:00,921
I think Harris is dating
some scary, old dude
308
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:02,622
with a neck tattoo.
309
00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:04,691
Wow. That is news to me.
310
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:08,128
If I had known about that, I
would have told you immediately.
311
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:09,362
Wait, so you knew?
312
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,164
Oh, yeah, I knew.
Jackie, too.
313
00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:16,369
Where's the rest of the family
and all the other guests?
314
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,471
Most of them couldn't make it
through the storm,
315
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:21,074
but they're gonna try to make
the reception later.
316
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:22,742
Hey.
317
00:12:22,776 --> 00:12:24,644
You guys seen Louise?
318
00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:26,413
No, and I was just in
the bride's dressing room.
319
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:27,114
It's empty.
320
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:30,317
Becky:
To Dan and Louise!
321
00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:33,086
May they last longer
than Darlene and Ben!
322
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:35,755
All: Cheers.
323
00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:37,290
I thought
that was really nice.
324
00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:42,129
Does this apple juice taste
weird to anybody?
325
00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:44,264
It's burning my throat.
[ Clears throat ]
326
00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:46,666
Oh, my God.
This is champagne.
327
00:12:46,699 --> 00:12:49,837
You told me that the apple
juice was on the left!
328
00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:52,505
It is! We were on
the other side when I told you.
329
00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:53,440
I'm so sorry.
330
00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:55,075
Here, this is
the cider.
331
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:58,145
No, wait,
I almost did it again.
332
00:12:58,178 --> 00:13:00,948
Becky!
It's okay. I-I got it.
333
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,853
[ Sobbing ]
334
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:07,320
Do you know
this is the men's room?
335
00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:09,189
I don't care!
336
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:12,525
I'm so upset I thought
I was gonna throw up!
337
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:14,594
I blew my sobriety!
338
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,364
H-Hey, look, it was only one
sip, and it was an accident.
339
00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:21,434
It doesn't matter!
A sip is considered a drink!
340
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,171
I should have smelled it first,
and now it's in me,
341
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:26,106
and now I'm afraid
I'm gonna want more!
342
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:27,607
I don't know
what to do!
343
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,509
D-Do you want to call
your sponsor?
344
00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:31,278
I tried.
She didn't answer.
345
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:32,479
I left a message.
346
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:37,684
I can't go out there.
There's alcohol everywhere.
347
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:40,520
[ Sighs ] Hey, look,
then we can stay in here for a while.
348
00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:42,489
I'll distract you.
349
00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:44,958
You know this church
used to be a Taco Bell?
350
00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:46,860
That's why it has
the Spanish motif.
351
00:13:46,894 --> 00:13:50,663
All the original Taco Bells
used to look like the Alamo.
352
00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:53,200
That's an interesting thing
to think about!
353
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:55,335
Not at all!
354
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:57,370
I have to get completely
out of my head right now,
355
00:13:57,404 --> 00:13:58,638
or I'll have to leave,
356
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,740
and I don't want to leave
my dad's wedding!
357
00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:01,909
How do we do that?
358
00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:06,679
**
359
00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:12,485
[ Playing "Bridal March" ]
360
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:15,022
* I am too old
361
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:17,991
* To be a flower girl
362
00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:22,562
* I'm 5'4" and I've already
kissed a boy *
363
00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:25,865
**
364
00:14:25,899 --> 00:14:28,068
I'm here. [ Laughs ]
365
00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:30,938
Glad you made it.
I almost didn't make it.
366
00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:32,405
Had to use
the women's bathroom.
367
00:14:32,439 --> 00:14:33,773
I went in
the men's room --
368
00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:35,909
somebody was gettin' it on
in the stall.
369
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:38,245
Don't judge.
Maybe it was an emergency.
370
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:41,448
When your mom saw
we were a couple,
371
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:43,416
it looked like
she was gonna pass out.
372
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:45,118
No! No, she always looks pale
like that.
373
00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:46,954
Oh, okay.
374
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,556
Uh, we need
a minute here.
375
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:50,890
Okay,
don't make a scene.
376
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:53,693
Unless Louise doesn't show
and we need a distraction.
377
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:56,696
Then you can go at each other
like a MMA pay-per-view.
378
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,031
I gotta go.
379
00:14:58,065 --> 00:15:05,072
**
380
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:09,476
I know my dad invited you
because he felt obligated
381
00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:12,079
because you work together,
but you didn't need to say yes.
382
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,646
I don't even know
why you're here.
383
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,315
This is a day for family.
384
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:17,550
Do not come
to the reception.
385
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:19,652
Well, it isn't your choice,
and I felt like I was family
386
00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:21,554
when I was helping
pay your dad's mortgage.
387
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:24,157
Oh, right, and you've been
so gracious about it.
388
00:15:24,191 --> 00:15:25,458
Oh, hey,
I was happy to help.
389
00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:27,594
And, yeah, I became close
with everybody in your family,
390
00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:30,063
which couldn't be helped because
there's like 20 of you!
391
00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:31,999
Place is like
a kennel!
392
00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:33,300
Well, that's over now.
393
00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:35,702
When you bailed on me,
you bailed on my family!
394
00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:40,840
As we wait for the bride,
we are silent.
395
00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:45,678
**
396
00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:48,281
Aw, crap.
397
00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:53,086
**
398
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,155
Sorry I'm late.
[ Scoffs ]
399
00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:56,489
I didn't think
you were coming,
400
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:58,658
so I've been bad-mouthing you
behind your back.
401
00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:01,494
**
402
00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:04,197
I can't tell you how glad I am
that you're here.
403
00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:05,665
Well, we'll talk
about it later.
404
00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:07,700
We're supposed to be
walking.
405
00:16:07,734 --> 00:16:11,671
No. Let them wait a sec.
They're here for us.
406
00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:13,073
I just want to
look at you.
407
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,076
You're beautiful.
Mm.
408
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:18,211
Let's walk.
Okay.
409
00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:24,117
[ Sighs ] Thanks for helping me
when I needed it.
410
00:16:24,151 --> 00:16:25,685
When you said you were okay
just living together,
411
00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:27,387
I realized I wasn't.
412
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,489
I want to be your husband,
'cause once we're married,
413
00:16:29,522 --> 00:16:31,191
that's at least
one legal speed bump
414
00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:33,726
before you can ditch me.
[ Sighs ]
415
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,528
If everyone would take
their seats...
416
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:39,032
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today...
417
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:41,201
[ Air raid sirens wailing ]
418
00:16:43,103 --> 00:16:44,737
Tornado!
419
00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:46,673
Son of a bitch!
420
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:49,076
I knew I shouldn't have done it
in the church.
421
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,646
Everyone, please move quickly
but in an orderly fashion
422
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,014
to the shelter.
423
00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:57,650
They always give you at least
a ten-minute warning.
424
00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:58,985
Finish the ceremony.
425
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,153
Are you sure
about this?
426
00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:01,421
About marrying you?
Yes.
427
00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:03,923
About the ten minutes --
I-I'm less than confident.
428
00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:04,924
Let's go.
429
00:17:04,957 --> 00:17:06,426
Um, okay.
430
00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:07,727
[ Quickly ] Uh, we are
gathered here today
431
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,896
to witness and celebrate
the marriage of Louise and Dan.
432
00:17:09,929 --> 00:17:10,830
Better cut to the chase.
433
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,031
Yes, okay.
Uh, right.
434
00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:13,700
Do you, Louise Beth Goldufski,
take this man --
435
00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:16,403
[ Glass shatters ]
436
00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:24,677
We have to go!
437
00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:27,580
No, we can still get
to the "I do's"!
438
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:28,915
Guys, come on!
439
00:17:28,948 --> 00:17:30,883
We're holding the cellar door
for you!
440
00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:32,852
This place
is gonna come down!
441
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:36,089
God gave us a shelter!
Let's honor Him!
442
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:40,260
Every year, I renew
my certificate as a minister
443
00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:42,129
to the
Universal Life Church!
444
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:45,732
It's mostly a tax break,
but I can do marriages!
445
00:17:45,765 --> 00:17:48,701
L-Let's do it!
The abbreviated version!
446
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,370
Okay, Dan,
do you take this woman
447
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:51,771
to be
your lawful wedded wife?
448
00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:53,240
Yeah, I do.
What about this guy?
449
00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:54,474
Yeah, sure, it's been going
pretty well so far.
450
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:57,544
Yeah, by the power vested in me
by the back pages
451
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,479
of "High Times" magazine,
452
00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:01,614
I now pronounce you
man and wife! Do the thing!
453
00:18:01,648 --> 00:18:03,082
Oh! Let's get
the hell out of here!
454
00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:05,118
Oh!
455
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,586
**
456
00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:08,621
Jackie: Mm, mm!
457
00:18:08,655 --> 00:18:09,622
[ Slurring ]
I wanna make a toast!
458
00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:10,790
All: No!
459
00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:12,292
Show us your boobs!
460
00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:13,393
Hey!
461
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:14,294
Later!
462
00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:15,928
[ Laughter ]
463
00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:17,997
To Dan and Louise!
464
00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:21,301
May they last longer
than Ben and Darlene!
465
00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:24,737
I thought that was so funny
when Becky did that!
466
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,439
Yeah, show's over,
Shecky.
467
00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:30,843
I just want to
say something.
468
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:33,913
I want to thank all of you for
making my life so wonderful.
469
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,649
And thank you, Louise...
470
00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:38,818
for finding a way
to top that.
471
00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:41,288
Aww.
That was beautiful, Dan.
472
00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:42,622
Now show us your boobs!
473
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:43,690
[ Laughter ]
474
00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:44,724
Later!
475
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:48,361
And to my hubby!
476
00:18:48,395 --> 00:18:51,664
Oh, man, I never thought
I would say that.
477
00:18:51,698 --> 00:18:54,000
But now I don't think
I'll ever stop.
478
00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:55,001
Ooh.
479
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,607
Thanks for being there
for me today.
480
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,109
I have to come up with
some better coping skills,
481
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,844
for both our sakes.
482
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:07,447
You got this.
Aww.
483
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,283
You know I have my nephew's
christening next week.
484
00:19:10,317 --> 00:19:12,719
It'll be kind of a letdown
without all the fornicating
485
00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:15,688
and destruction of
a Conner get-together.
486
00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,089
It's what we do.
487
00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:22,362
Since the reception's off,
when everyone leaves,
488
00:19:22,395 --> 00:19:24,631
can Ben stay and do
foreign-movie night?
489
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,566
We're gonna watch "Master of
the Flying Guillotine,"
490
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:28,335
put it on mute,
and do our own dialogue
491
00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:30,036
so it becomes
a rom-com.
492
00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:31,371
They lose their heads
in love.
493
00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:34,674
You know, Mark, we might just
have to put a pin
494
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:36,743
in foreign-movie night
for a while.
495
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:38,745
That is so unfair.
496
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:41,147
How about you guys figure out
how to be around each other
497
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,216
so you don't screw up stuff
in my life?
498
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,918
I still like Ben, and depending
on what you decide,
499
00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:47,854
I'll tell you how
I feel about you.
500
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:52,058
I'm just gonna grab
a beer.
501
00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:58,097
Mark wants you to stay
for movie night.
502
00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:00,767
How do you feel about that?
503
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,002
[ Laughs ] I hate it.
504
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:06,038
Really hard to be in the same
room with you right now.
505
00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:08,441
But I shouldn't let that
affect your relationship
506
00:20:08,475 --> 00:20:10,042
with Mark.
507
00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:12,178
I hope you'll understand if
I choose to go out in a tornado
508
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,046
rather than sticking around
while you're here.
509
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,717
Well, you're a good mom.
510
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:19,386
Hmm.
511
00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:21,621
Must have killed you to say
something nice about me.
512
00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:24,591
Burned my throat like
a ghost pepper, but I'll heal.
513
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:27,394
Mm, be careful out there,
will ya?
514
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,195
You might want to put
some rocks in your pockets,
515
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:32,465
or the wind'll carry you off
like a plastic bag.
516
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:36,035
Thanks for caring.
517
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,971
It's hard to stop --
even if you want to.
518
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,575
Jackie:
Ben, look at my boobs!
519
00:20:42,609 --> 00:20:43,610
Ben: Oh, God!
520
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:48,481
* I was dancin'...
521
00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:51,150
I will always
remember you
522
00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:53,119
just as you look
right now.
523
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:56,255
Are you going off to war?
524
00:20:56,289 --> 00:20:58,124
No.
525
00:20:58,157 --> 00:21:01,428
I mean, you'll never
get older in my eyes.
526
00:21:01,461 --> 00:21:03,796
You're always gonna look
just like this.
527
00:21:05,131 --> 00:21:07,099
[ Smooches ]
I love you, Mr. Conner.
528
00:21:07,133 --> 00:21:09,101
I love you, Mrs. Conner.
[ Chuckles ]
529
00:21:09,135 --> 00:21:11,971
* ...were dancing
530
00:21:12,004 --> 00:21:13,806
* My friend stole...
531
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,709
Um, eventually, they're all
gonna move out, right?
532
00:21:17,877 --> 00:21:20,480
Let's not spoil
the moment.
533
00:21:20,513 --> 00:21:23,750
* I remember the night
534
00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:27,554
* And the Tennessee Waltz
535
00:21:27,604 --> 00:21:32,154
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