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AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM THE
NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE
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00:00:11,644 --> 00:00:17,584
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
GOOD EVENING, GOOD EVENING.
I PREFER TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS
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00:00:17,584 --> 00:00:20,787
AND I HANDLE PUBLIC RELATIONS
FOR THE NFL.
SO IF ANYONE WANTS TO SWITCH
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00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:28,695
JOBS, LET ME KNOW.
NOW I'D LIKE TO BRING OUT THE
COMMISSIONER TO ADDRESS THIS
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00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:30,296
WEEK'S SCANDAL
THIS IS NOT THE NFL DRAFT, BUT
IT'S STILL OKAY TO BOO HIM
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00:00:30,296 --> 00:00:34,034
ROGER GOODELL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
[ BOOS ]
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00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:39,439
YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE TO BOO.
GOOD EVENING
HI, I'M ROGER GOODELL.
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00:00:39,439 --> 00:00:44,811
WHEN YOU SEE ME ON TV, IT'S
NEVER GOOD
THIS TIME, ONE OF OUR COACHES IS
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00:00:44,811 --> 00:00:48,581
ACCUSED OF RACISM, MISOGYNY, AND
HOMOPHOBIA
BUT HEY, AT LEAST NO ONE'S
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00:00:48,581 --> 00:00:56,156
TALKING ABOUT CONCUSSIONS.
I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THE
EMAILS SENT BY RAIDERS COACH
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00:00:56,156 --> 00:01:00,460
JON GRUDEN WERE HORRIFYING AND
DEEPLY OFFENSIVE, ESPECIALLY TO
ME
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00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:05,899
I WAS REFERRED TO AS THE F-WORD,
THE P-WORD, THE C-WORD, THE
R-WORD, THE F'ing R-WORD, THE
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00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:11,838
F'ing R-WORD P-WORD.
ONCE, WEIRDLY, I WAS CALLED A
DILL
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00:01:11,838 --> 00:01:23,450
THAT WAS KIND OF SWEET
BUT I ASSURE YOU THA
ALL 32 TEAMS UNDERSTAND THAT
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00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:25,085
DIVERSITY IS OUR STRENGTH.
AND I KNOW OUR BLACK COACHES
WOULD AGREE, BOTH THEM
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00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:30,190
NOW COACH GRUDEN HAS ASKED TO
SAY A FEW WORDS.
I SAID, BAD IDEA
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00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:37,697
BUT HE GOT ON HIS KNEES AND
BEGGED AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I
HATE TO SEE SOMEONE KNEELING
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00:01:37,697 --> 00:01:44,237
LET'S HEAR IT ONE MORE TIME FOR
COACH GRUDEN
THANK YOU, ROGER.
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00:01:44,237 --> 00:01:49,642
I'M SORRY TO ALL THE RAIDERS
FANS OUT THERE
HOPE YOU WON'T JUDGE ME ON ONE
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00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:55,849
EMAIL I SENT 10 YEARS AGO, OR
THE 20 EMAILS I SENT LAST
TUESDAY.
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00:01:55,849 --> 00:02:02,822
I PROMISE I DON'T HAVE A RACIST
BONE IN MY BODY.
WHEN A CALLED AN AFRICAN
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00:02:02,822 --> 00:02:06,493
AMERICAN PLAYER DARK E
THAN A SKY WITH NO STARS, I
PROMISE YOU, THAT WAS IN NO WAY
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00:02:06,493 --> 00:02:08,061
RACIAL
THAT WAS REFERRING TO HIS SENSE
OF HUMOR, WHICH IS EXTREMELY
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00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:10,063
DARK AND EDGY.
BUT THAT SHOW "LOUIE"ON FX -
HEY WHEN'S THE NEXT SEASON
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00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:13,266
COMING OUT
I ALSO CALLED THE COMMISSIONER
THE GAY F-WORD LIKE A HUNDRED
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00:02:13,266 --> 00:02:18,104
TIMES.
NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE A STRETCH
BUT IF YOU'VE EVER GOTTEN BURNED
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00:02:18,104 --> 00:02:25,945
BY AUTO CORRECT.
HEAR ME OUT.
SEE, I'M A BIT OF A NAVAL BUFF
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00:02:25,945 --> 00:02:28,648
AND I OFTEN SEND MY FRIENDS
EMAILS ABOUT FRIGATES, WHICH ARE
WARSHIPS
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00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:34,587
I'LL SAY, LOOK AT THAT FLAMING
FRIGATE!
THAT'S WHEN A WARSHIP'S ON FIRE.
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00:02:34,587 --> 00:02:39,426
OR THAT DUMBASS FRIGATE CAN S MY
D.
THAT'S ABOUT A WARSHIP
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00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:42,629
PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON ANOTHER
WARSHIP.
YOU GET IT
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00:02:42,629 --> 00:02:46,433
MY POINT IS, I NEVER MEANT TO
HURT ANYONE.
I MEANT TO HURT THEM SECRETLY
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00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:58,611
BEHIND THEIR BACKS
APPEARANCES MATTER, SO I'LL TURN
IT OVER TO A GUY WHO'S ALL ABOUT
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00:02:58,611 --> 00:03:03,083
APPEARANCES, THE RAIDERS OWNER
MARK DAVIS
HI, FOLKS
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00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:07,887
MARK DAVIS HERE.
AS MY PLAYERS CALL ME, THE
BOTCHED CIRCUMCISION
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00:03:07,887 --> 00:03:14,728
NO, NO
OK
LOOK
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00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:16,229
GUYS, WHAT COACH GRUDEN WROTE
WAS DISGRACEFUL.
WE NEED TO DO A BETTER JOB
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00:03:16,229 --> 00:03:23,636
WE NEED TO, AS I TELL MY BARBER,
AIM HIGHER
AND TRUST ME, I'VE HEARD ALL THE
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00:03:23,636 --> 00:03:30,710
JOKES ABOUT MY HAIR AND HOW IT
LOOKS LIKE DONALD TRUMP'S
HAIRCUT GAVE ME A HAIRCUT.
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00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:36,916
BUT WE'RE MAKING THIS RIGHT AND
MOVING ON.
SO I'M GOING TO TURN IT OVER T
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00:03:36,916 --> 00:03:38,551
OUR NEW HEAD COACH, LARRY "DON'T
MAKE ME DO THIS" RUCKER.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
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00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:44,924
HEY, GUYS.
IT'S AN HONOR TO TAKE OVER THIS
STORIED FRANCHISE.
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00:03:44,924 --> 00:03:51,498
AND A REAL SHAME THAT I HAVE TO
IMMEDIATELY RESIGN
THEY JUST FOUND MY EMAILS TOO,
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00:03:51,498 --> 00:03:54,634
AND THEY ARE SO MUCH WORSE THAN
THE OLD COACH'S.
I PUT THE F-WORD IN THE SUBJECT
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00:03:54,634 --> 00:04:02,175
LINE
I STARTED AN EMAIL CHAIN CALLED
"LET'S RANK THE RACES" AND I
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00:04:02,175 --> 00:04:06,046
RESPONDED TO ALL OF COACH
GRUDEN'S EMAILS, LOL, THIS IS SO
TRUE AND FUNNY, YOU THE MAN,
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00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:14,788
GRUDEN
ANYWAY, THANK YOU AND I LOOK
FORWARD TO JOINING
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00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:16,056
ESPN IN THREE MONTHS
OKAY, HI, EVERYONE!
HI
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00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:18,224
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I WAS THE EQUIPMENT MANAGER FIVE
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00:04:18,224 --> 00:04:22,062
MINUTES AGO.
THEN SOMEONE JUST PUSHED ME ON
STAGE AND WHISPERED, YOU THE
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00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:29,469
COACH NOW!
SO LET ME SAY THIS
LAS VEGAS WILL NOT TOLERATE
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00:04:29,469 --> 00:04:34,974
MISOGYNY OF ANY KIND
NEVER HAS, NEVER WILL.
I WILL VOUCH FOR THE ENTIRE CITY
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00:04:34,974 --> 00:04:42,515
ON THAT.
ALSO, I'M RESIGNING IMMEDIATELY.
I SEE REPORTERS DIGGING THROUGH
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00:04:42,515 --> 00:04:47,354
MY OLD TWEETS, AND THIS WILL NOT
END WELL FOR ME.
I NEVER SHOULD HAVE DRESSED UP
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00:04:47,354 --> 00:04:55,495
AS JACKIE CHAN FOR HALLOWEEN
BUT 2019 WAS A DIFFERENT ERA
THANK YOU, AND I'LL THROW IT
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00:04:55,495 --> 00:05:03,169
OVER TO THE NEW CHAIRMAN OF
WOMEN'S RELATIONS FOR THE NFL,
A CHEERLEADER FOR THE WASHINGTON
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00:05:03,169 --> 00:05:12,679
FOOTBALL TEAM.
THANK YOU
THANK YOU.
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00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:17,050
I LIKE MY TEAM DON'T HAVE A
NAME
I WANT TO SAY, THE E-MAILS JON
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00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:22,322
GRUDEN SENT TO OUR ORGANIZATION
DO NOT REFLECT THE VALUES OF OUR
TEAM, A TEAM THAT UNTIL A YEAR
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00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:32,632
AGO WAS CALLED THE REDSKINS.
I ALSO WANT TO THANK TO WOMEN
WHO FELT OFFEND BY THE E-MAILS
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00:05:32,632 --> 00:05:36,670
LIGHTEN UP
THEY'RE FUNNY.
IT WAS A NAME OF THE FIRST
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00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:41,241
FEMALE REFEREE AND SHE WAS
THINKING, WAIT A MINUTE, THIS
ISN'T MY KITCHEN
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00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:51,484
THAT'S FUNNY
JUST RELAX
NOW TO SOOTHE EVERYTHING OVER
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00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:55,855
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE OUR
MASCOT
WE'VE MADE A LOT OF PROGRESS
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00:05:55,855 --> 00:06:02,495
CHLG WE'RE USING WHITE
STEREOTYPES.
PLEASE WELCOME GIUSEPPE, THE
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00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:07,534
STIPGY ITALIAN
HEY
WHAT'S THAT SPICY FOOD IS ALL
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00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:17,277
ABOUT.
ITALIANS MAKING THE MEET BALLS
AND DOING A PIZZA.
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00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:20,580
I SO SORRY, I CANNOT DO THIS
THIS DON'T FEEL RIGHT.
SPEAKING OF NOT RIGHT, HI,
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00:06:20,580 --> 00:06:30,590
I'M COLIN KAEPERNICK
REMEMBER ME?
SO MUCH STUFF COMING OUT ABOUT
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00:06:30,590 --> 00:06:36,162
THE NFL MAYBE RACIST, KIND OF.
HUH.
I WONDER IF ANYBODY TRIED TO
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00:06:36,162 --> 00:06:41,468
WARN PEOPLE ABOUT THIS BEFORE.
I'M SCRATCHING MY HEAD TRYING TO
REMEMBER WHO SAID THAT
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00:06:41,468 --> 00:06:45,772
SCRATCH, SCRATCH
IT'S ALMOST LIKE THAT'S THE
REASON THEY BANNED ME FROM THE
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00:06:45,772 --> 00:06:49,909
LEAGUE
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE IT WAS JUST YOUR WEIRD
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00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:56,449
HAIR CUT
BUT GOOD NEWS.
I THINK WE MAY HAVE FOUND A
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00:06:56,449 --> 00:07:00,053
SOLUTION THAT MAKES EVERYONE
HAPPY.
SOMEONE EVEN TWITTER CAN GET
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00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:09,863
BEHIND
INTRODUCING OUR NEW HEAD COACH,
LAVAR BURTON
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00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:16,369
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
SUCK IT, MAYIM BIALIK.
I AM THE SUPREME FOOTBALL HOST
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00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:22,909
NOW.
I WILL TAKE OFFENSE FOR 300.
WHAT IS A HANDOFF?
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00:07:22,909 --> 00:07:28,281
I'M GENUINELY ASKING
I'M A THEATER KID, COME ON
HA HA HA!
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00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:33,153
SO YEAH, I THINK THE NFL IS
GOING TO BE JUST FINE.
TAKE US OUT, LEVAR
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00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:38,525
* FIELD GOAL IN THE SKY
I AM THE HEAD COACH GU
JUST TAKE A LOOK IN TH
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00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:42,862
PLAYBOOK *
* WE'RE PLAYING FOOTBAL
WE'RE PLAYING FOOTBALL
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00:07:42,862 --> 00:07:50,270
FEEL LIKE PLAYING FOOTBALL *
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT
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00:09:53,193 --> 00:10:01,267
MUSICAL GUEST: YOUNG THUG.
AND YOUR HOST, RAMI MALEK!
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00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:18,418
RAMI MALEK
*
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
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00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:29,596
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK
YOU, EVERYONE.
I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE
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00:10:29,596 --> 00:10:33,400
MY NAME IS RAMI MALEK AND I'M
HONORED TO BE STANDING ON THIS
STAGE.
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00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:38,204
YOU KNOW, I PLAYED A LOT OF
DRAMATIC ROLES IN MY CAREER.
MOST RECENTLY THE NEW BOND
89
00:10:38,204 --> 00:10:46,279
VILLAIN.
BUT I DON'T USUALLY DO COMEDY.
YEAH, I TEND TO PLAY THESE
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00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:52,819
REALLY INTENSE CHARACTERS, WHICH
MAKES A LOT OF SENSE, BECAUSE
PEOPLE TELL ME I HAVE WHAT'S
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00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:59,859
CALLED "ARRESTING VILLAIN FACE."
LIKE THIS IS ME TOTALLY NEUTRAL.
AND I KNOW MOST PEOPLE WOULD
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00:10:59,859 --> 00:11:05,231
RATHER PLAY THE HERO
BUT WEIRDLY, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
MORE DRAWN TO VILLAINS
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00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:09,502
I SYMPATHIZE WITH THEM, YOU
KNOW
IN "LION KING.
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00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:15,408
I'M TEAM SCAR.
I ACTUALLY FOUND SIMBA TO BE
KIND OF ANNOYING
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00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:24,084
YOU WANT TO BE KING?
YOU'RE LIKE 3 YEARS OLD.
RELAX!
96
00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:29,456
AND IN "SILENCE OF THE LAMBS."
I'M ALWAYS LIKE, THAT POOR
HANNIBAL
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00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:33,226
THAT LADY JUST KEEPS COMING IN
AND ASKING HIM ALL THESE
QUESTIONS.
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00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:38,631
IT'S LIKE, LEAVE THE GUY ALONE,
CLARICE!
I THINK A LOT OF VILLAINS ARE
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00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:45,605
JUST MISUNDERSTOOD
FOR EXAMPLE, JAWS, HUNGRY.
DRACULA, THIRSTY
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00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:51,511
FRANKENSTEIN, HORNY.
I CAN KEEP GOING
DARTH VADER, IS JUST TRYING TO
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00:11:51,511 --> 00:12:01,721
RECONNECT WITH HIS SON
FREDDIE KRUGER, ENCOURAGING KIDS
TO DREAM
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00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:07,694
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S NICE TO SEE VILLAINS
FINALLY GETTING SOME RESPECT
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00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:10,930
DISNEY'S EVEN MADE MOVIES WHERE
THE VILLAIN'S NAME'S ARE IN THE
TITLE.
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00:12:10,930 --> 00:12:16,903
"CRUELLA."
"MALEFICENT.
"BAMBI."
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00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:26,546
BUT HONESTLY, I'M HAPPY TO PLAY
THE VILLAIN.
I'M SO HAPPY TO BE IN MOVIES
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00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:28,615
I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE MY
LIFE
I'M THE SON OF EGYPTIAN
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00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:30,784
IMMIGRANTS
AND I HAD KIND OF A SHELTERED
CHILDHOOD.
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00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:34,087
IT WAS SO SHELTERED, I GREW UP
IN THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY IN
L.A., BUT SOMEHOW I HAD NO IDEA
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00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:38,291
THAT I LIVED RIGHT NEXT TO
HOLLYWOOD.
SERIOUSLY, AS A KID.
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00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:45,365
I DREAMED OF GOING TO THE WALK
OF FAME, THE SUNSET STRIP.
I TRULY THOUGHT IT WAS A MILLION
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00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:49,703
MILES AWAY
IT WAS A 10-MINUTE DRIVE
WELL, IT'S THREE HOURS WITH
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00:12:49,703 --> 00:12:56,676
TRAFFIC.
BUT IT WAS GREAT
I LOVED GROWING UP THERE WITH MY
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00:12:56,676 --> 00:13:01,581
FAMILY, MY MOM, MY DAD, MY
SISTER, AND MY TWIN BROTHER.
YES.
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00:13:01,581 --> 00:13:09,956
YES, I GOT A TWIN BROTHER.
AND YES, HE WILL BE SWAPPING
PLACES WITH ME IN ONE SKETCH
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00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:16,262
TONIGHT.
AND YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHICH ONE.
IT MIGHT EVEN BE RIGHT NOW
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00:13:16,262 --> 00:13:19,532
NO, I'M KIDDING.
IT'S ME.
RAMI
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00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:25,472
OR IS IT
NO, NO, IT IS.
BUT REALLY, THIS IS SUCH A
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00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:29,776
SPECIAL NIGHT FOR ME
BOTH OF MY SIBLINGS ARE HERE
AND I'M SO PROUD OF THEM
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00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:37,884
MY BROTHER'S A TEACHER, MY
SISTER'S AN E.R. DOCTOR.
THEY ARE TRULY INCREDIBLE
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00:13:37,884 --> 00:13:42,789
PEOPLE
AND THEY HAVE DEVOTED THEIR
LIVES TO HELPING OTHERS.
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00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:45,091
BUT I HAVE AN OSCAR, SO.
KIND OF EVEN
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
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00:13:45,091 --> 00:13:48,795
TONIGHT!
YOUNG THUG IS HERE
SO STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT
123
00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:55,435
BACK
* CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
*
124
00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:07,947
MED
HELLO, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME
I'M PRINCIPAL CARTER
125
00:14:07,947 --> 00:14:13,086
IT'S A BIG DAY HERE AT WEYMOUTH
LOWER SCHOOL, THE BUG ASSEMBLY
MS. MIDAS'S CLASS WILL PRESENT
126
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:17,323
THEIRBUGS TO THE ENTIRE STUDEN
BODY
AND THEY ARE EXCITED, SORT OF
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00:14:17,323 --> 00:14:31,371
LIKE BURNING MAN FOR WEIRD KIDS.
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, BUGS.
I'M A PRAYING MANTIS, BUT NOT
128
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,872
RELIGIOUS.
I PREY ON PESTS IN THE GARDEN.
I'M A LADYBUG
129
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,507
I CAN HAVE UP TO 20 SPOTS, AND
THAT'S A LOT
I'M A STINKBUG.
130
00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:52,392
MY NASTY ODOR PROTECTS ME FROM
PREDATORS.
AND I'M DADDY LONG LEGS
131
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:57,797
GREAT
WELL
YOUR COSTUMES ALL LOOK TERRIFIC.
132
00:14:57,797 --> 00:15:05,872
LOOKING FORWARD TO LEARNING A
BIT MORE
LET'S HEAR ABOUT YOUR DIETS
133
00:15:05,872 --> 00:15:09,109
WELL, I EAT WEEDS AND
GRASSES, BUT NOT THE KIND YOU'RE
THINKING
134
00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:11,845
DON'T GET ME IN TROUBLE.
I EAT BUGS, AND IN MY LIFE I
CAN EAT UP TO 5,000.
135
00:15:11,845 --> 00:15:17,217
AND THAT'S A LOT
AND WHAT DOES DADDY LONG LEGS
EAT?
136
00:15:17,217 --> 00:15:37,203
BOYS, BOYS, BOYS
OKAY.
RUSSELL?
137
00:15:37,203 --> 00:15:43,777
CALL ME DADDY
OKAY.
DADDY.
138
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:46,446
I APPRECIATE THE CREATIVITY, BUT
I'D LOVE TO KNOW SOME MORE ABOUT
YOUR INSECT.
139
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:56,556
IT'S ALL IN THE NAME.
I'M A FATHER, AND MY LEGS GO ALL
ON FOR WEEKS
140
00:15:56,556 --> 00:16:01,761
OK.
AND DADDY.
141
00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:03,797
I DON'T WANT THAT FROM YOU.
OKAY, RUSSELL
CAN YOU SAY ANY SCIENCE FACTS
142
00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,498
ABOUT YOURSELF
SURE.
I'M HOT, I PARTY, I WALK INTO
143
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:19,446
THE ROOM, AND I AM RESPECTED
NO MORE QUESTIONS!
RUSSELL, YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU
144
00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:23,750
WERE ABOUT TO DO A DEATH DROP,
BUT THEN YOU STOPPED
I GOT SCARED.
145
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:27,554
I'VE ONLY DONE IT ONCE, AND I
DIDN'T WANT TO SPLIT MY ASS OPEN
IN FRONT OF THE JUDGES
146
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:32,392
THERE ARE NO JUDGES
YEAH, WHAT IS THIS KID'S
DEAL
147
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:39,766
HIS DAD IS AN EXEC AT BRAVO,
HIS OTHER DAD IS A REPUBLICAN.
HONESTLY, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
148
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:42,635
I'VE EVER HEARD HIM SPEAK.
OH, GOT IT.
I GOT TO SAY THIS FEELS KIND
149
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:46,873
OF UNFAIR.
HE'S NAMED AFTER HIS LEGS AND
I'M NAMED AFTER STINK.
150
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:53,513
HONESTLY, JOHNNY, OUT OF ALL
THE SEVENTH GRADE BOYS, YOU
SMELL REALLY GOOD.
151
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:56,082
THANKS, KEV
ALSO, I COULD HAVE SWORN
RUSSELL WAS ASSIGNED A
152
00:16:56,082 --> 00:17:03,423
COCKROACH.
IT WASN'T A FIT
GUYS, LET'S STAY ON TRACK
153
00:17:03,423 --> 00:17:07,394
DO YOU BUGS HAVE ANY QUESTIONS
FOR EACH OTHER
I DO.
154
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:19,773
HOW DOES THE DADDY LONG LEGS
TRACK ITS PREY.
I SLAM DOWN BY CREDIT CARD ON
155
00:17:19,773 --> 00:17:21,274
GROUND AND SAY, "DADDY'S GOT
IT."
WHY ISN'T THERE A MOMMY LONG
156
00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:22,809
LEGS
SHUT THE HELL UP, GET HER OUT
OF HERE NOW!
157
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:29,049
I'M GOING TO FREAK OUT
OKAY, OKAY, DAISY, TAKE A
TIME OUT
158
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:33,153
I'LL HAVE TO SHOWER LATER,
BITCH.
WHO IS HE POINTING TO
159
00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:34,554
I DON'T KNOW.
IS HE PLAYING CHARADES
OKAY, YOU.
160
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,256
DADDY LONG LEGS.
I GOT IT
ALL RIGHT, WELL, ONE OF THE COOL
161
00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:38,324
THINGS ABOUT TODAY IS THAT WE
CAN SEE HOW DIFFERENT BUGS
INTERACT
162
00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:40,193
SINCE YOU'RE SUCH AN ARTISTIC
BUNCH, LET'S SEE HOW DADDY LONG
LEGS AND STINK BUGS MIGHT EXIST
163
00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:45,432
IN NATURE.
AND GO
HI, MR. LONG LEGS, I'M A
164
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:50,837
STINKBUG
IT'S BEEN AWHILE.
YOU LOOK WORSE
165
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:54,607
WHO LET YOU IN
WHAT?
OH, STINKBUG, I'VE MISSED
166
00:17:54,607 --> 00:18:02,115
YOU.
I WANT YOUR STINK BACK IN MY
LIFE
167
00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:06,686
LET'S GET REMARRIED.
OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH
I GUESS WE LET THAT GO ON FOR A
168
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:09,422
LITTLE BIT OF A WHILE.
I KIND OF GOT LOST IN IT
THE TEAMWORK WAS PRETTY DAMN
169
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:18,798
GOOD
YOU KNOW, RUSSELL ISN'T THE
ONLY ONE HERE WHO CAN DO COOL
170
00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:22,168
STUFF.
I CAN, TOO
I HAVE CHARISMA.
171
00:18:22,168 --> 00:18:23,670
WELL --
* MY NAME IS STINKY
AND I'M HERE TO SA
172
00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:30,110
I EMIT ODO
IN A STINKY WAY *
JOHNNY, THAT WAS AMAZING.
173
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:33,380
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,
BUT MY DAD'S AN EXECUTIVE AT
BRAVO.
174
00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:44,724
WE'RE GETTING YOU A SHOW
WOW, RUSSELL, REALLY?
THAT'S AMAZING
175
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:48,328
THEN WE HAVE TO CELEBRATE,
ALL OF US, TONIGHT
AND REMEMBER, DADDY'S GOT IT
176
00:19:01,207 --> 00:19:10,850
* DON'T GOT A LOT OF MONEY
* DRIVE A RUSTED OUT CHEVY
* I JUST GOT LAID OFF
177
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:16,790
* BAR TAB AND I PAID OFF.
* MY EX-WIFE HATES ME
EVEN HAD TO SELL MY PUPPY *
178
00:19:16,790 --> 00:19:21,061
* YEAH SO BROKE
IT'S A DAMN SHAM
GUESS I GOTTA PLAY
179
00:19:21,061 --> 00:19:25,365
THE SQUID GAME *
* YEAH I GOTTA PLAY
THE SQUID GAME
180
00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:30,236
MY ONLY OPTION I
THE SQUID GAME *
* I HAVE A NUMBER
181
00:19:30,236 --> 00:19:34,574
NOT A REAL NAM
'CAUSE I'M PLAYING
IN THE SQUID GAME *
182
00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:38,912
* WEIRD CARDS
PINK GUARD
LOCKED US IN A BIG ROOM *
183
00:19:38,912 --> 00:19:42,716
* THEY'VE GOT SYMBOLS
ON THEIR FACES
LIKE ONES ON PLAYSTATION *
184
00:19:42,716 --> 00:19:51,925
* AND THE MAIN GU
LOOKS LIKE DOCTOR WHO *
* BUNK BEDS, NEW FRIEND
185
00:19:51,925 --> 00:19:55,161
PIGGY BANK UP IN THE SKY
THERE'S A ROBOT GIRL
WHO CAUGHT ME RUNNING *
186
00:19:55,161 --> 00:19:59,499
* BETTER DUCK BEHIN
THE NEAREST GUY *
WAIT WHAT
187
00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:06,439
* YELLING AT ME IN KOREAN
AND NOTHING IS TRANSLATE
BROKE MY COOKI
188
00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:13,480
AND I GOT ELIMINATED *
* GOT A CRAZY GIRLFRIEN
THINK SHE MIGH
189
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:19,452
HAVE STABBED ME *
* AFTER I WAS HIT
THEY TOOK MY EYEBALL
190
00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:28,094
AND MY KIDNEY *
* THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
IN THE SQUID GAME *
191
00:20:28,094 --> 00:20:37,804
* PEOPLE DIE IN THE
RED LIGHT
GREEN LIGHT.
192
00:20:37,804 --> 00:20:50,250
* THAT'S THE WAY YOU PLAY
THE SQUID GAME *
RED LIGHT
193
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:55,155
GREEN LIGHT.
* THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
IN THE SQUID GAME *
194
00:20:55,155 --> 00:21:04,898
* 45 MILLION WO
THAT'S A WHOLE LOT OF MONE
AT LEAST I THINK IT IS *
195
00:21:04,898 --> 00:21:08,134
* I'M CONFUSE
BY THE CURRENCY *
* ANYWAY I'M ON
196
00:21:08,134 --> 00:21:17,844
A GLASS BRIDGE
AND I THINK I'M GONNA WIN *
* HEY LOOK IT'S MY FRIEND PET
197
00:21:17,844 --> 00:21:23,316
AND YOU GO BYE-BYE NOW *
* HEY I JUST WO
THE SQUID GAME
198
00:21:23,316 --> 00:21:29,789
KILLED ALL MY FRIEND
IN THE SQUID GAME *
* MY BODY IS COMPLETELY MAIME
199
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:35,195
WHY THE HELL'D
I PLAY THE SQUID GAME *
* SO I WENT BAC
200
00:21:35,195 --> 00:21:38,965
TO MY HOMETOWN
GOT A COOL RED HAIRCUT *
* GONNA LIVE MY LIF
201
00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:45,505
BETTER NOW
I'VE GROWN IN SO MANY WAYS *
* THEN ONE DA
202
00:21:45,505 --> 00:21:53,113
I GOT MORE
THEN I TOOK ALL MY MONEY AND
I BET IT ON THE JETS *
203
00:21:53,113 --> 00:21:59,552
* GOING BACK TO THE SQUID GAM
I'M TERRIBLE WITH MONE
THE GUARDS THINK
204
00:21:59,552 --> 00:22:06,593
IT'S PRETTY FUNNY *
* THAT I'M BACK IN THE SQUID
GAME *
205
00:22:06,593 --> 00:22:11,331
HE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED.
* THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
IN THE SQUID GAME *
206
00:22:20,573 --> 00:22:23,176
WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A
TOUGH CHOICE ON OUR HANDS.
I KNOW.
207
00:22:23,176 --> 00:22:27,547
I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS DECISION TO
BE SO DIFFICULT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, JORDAN PEELE?
208
00:22:27,547 --> 00:22:29,182
I STILL CAN'T DECIDE, BUT
IT'S DEFINITELY BETWEEN THE LAST
TWO, AGREED.
209
00:22:29,182 --> 00:22:36,823
FOR SURE.
YES, DEFINITELY
UH-HUH.
210
00:22:36,823 --> 00:22:47,334
YOU KNOW?
WHY DON'T WE BRING HIM BACK IN
CAN YOU ACCEPTED IN OUR LAST
211
00:22:47,334 --> 00:22:50,937
TWO AUDITIONERS?
WOW.
THIS IS GOING TO BE TOUGH.
212
00:22:50,937 --> 00:22:59,412
FIRST OF ALL, YOU GUYS ARE BY
FAR OUR TOP TWO CHOICES TO PLAY
PRINCE IN MY NEW BIO
213
00:22:59,412 --> 00:23:02,816
WE CAN ONLY PICK ONE.
OF COURSE
RIGHT, RIGHT.
214
00:23:02,816 --> 00:23:12,726
THE ONLY WAY TO DO THIS IS TO
HAVE A PRINCIPLES-OFF.
WHAT IS A PRINCE AFTER OFF?
215
00:23:12,726 --> 00:23:14,461
YES, I'LL CALL OUT SOME
RANDOM SCENES FROM THE SCRIPT.
AND YOU TWO WILL GIVE ME YOUR
216
00:23:14,461 --> 00:23:15,962
ABSOLUTE BEST PRINCE
PERFORMANCE.
AT THE SAME TIME
217
00:23:15,962 --> 00:23:17,630
I CAN DO THAT
ALL RIGHT, SHOW ME PRINCE
DOING A FUNKY LICK ON THE
218
00:23:17,630 --> 00:23:23,570
GUITAR
ACTION
*
219
00:23:23,570 --> 00:23:27,374
GOOD, GOOD.
NOW, SHOW ME PRINCE GETTING
PELTED IN THE LEGS WITH A
220
00:23:27,374 --> 00:23:33,279
FOOTBALL
*
GOOD.
221
00:23:33,279 --> 00:23:41,421
NOW DO PRINCE STEPPING ON A
LEGO
*
222
00:23:41,421 --> 00:23:53,366
WOW, GREAT.
PRINCE IS WITH HIS LOVER AND DID
THAT PREMATURELY
223
00:23:53,366 --> 00:24:00,507
WOW, GREAT.
GREAT, GREAT.
NOW PRINCE GETS IN THE SHOWER
224
00:24:00,507 --> 00:24:02,175
AND THE WATER'S TOO HOT.
*
LET'S SEE PRINCE GET SHOT IN
225
00:24:02,175 --> 00:24:05,378
THE STOMACH.
*
OKAY, PRINCE GETS A COVID
226
00:24:05,378 --> 00:24:08,548
TEST BUT THEY GO UP TOO FAR.
*
NOW PRINCE REALIZES HIS
227
00:24:08,548 --> 00:24:16,122
VIRGIN PINA COLADA ISN'T VIRGIN.
*
AND CUT
228
00:24:16,122 --> 00:24:22,529
WOW.
HOW DO WE CHOOSE
WOW, I DON'T KNOW
229
00:24:22,529 --> 00:24:25,665
SHOOTING STARTS TOMORROW
SO, IS IT GOING TO BE
RAMI MALEK OR KENAN THOMPSON
230
00:24:25,665 --> 00:24:41,848
I MEAN, RAMI, YOU ALREADY WON
AN OSCAR
YES, THAT IS CORRECT.
231
00:24:41,848 --> 00:24:47,887
BUT YOU ARE BLACK AND RAMI IS
NOT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH
232
00:24:47,887 --> 00:24:51,591
WELL, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
I'M SORRY, I JUST DON'T THINK
I CAN CAST A WHITE GUY TO PLAY
233
00:24:51,591 --> 00:24:54,861
PRINCE IN MY MOVIE
OH, NO, NO, BUT MY PARENTS
ARE FROM EGYPT AND THAT'S IN
234
00:24:54,861 --> 00:24:58,531
AFRICA
COME ON, MAN.
DON'T DO THAT, UH-UH.
235
00:24:58,531 --> 00:25:06,172
OKAY.
WELL, DOESN'T PRINCE
TRANSCEND RACE
236
00:25:06,172 --> 00:25:16,950
NOT IN THIS MOVIE, NO
YOU SEE THERE'S AN UNEXPECTED
TWIST IN THIS JORDAN PEELE
237
00:25:16,950 --> 00:25:18,651
MOVIE.
THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU SEE, IT STARTS OFF AS A
238
00:25:18,651 --> 00:25:20,754
PRINCE BIO-PIC BUT THEN --
IT TURNS INTO A HORROR MOVIE
ABOUT RACISM
239
00:25:20,754 --> 00:25:22,355
DAMMIT, LUCKY GUESS
ANYWAY, KENAN, YOU HAVE THE
PART
240
00:25:22,355 --> 00:25:41,908
HOORAY!
OH, THIS IS BULL CRAP
AM I TOO LATE
241
00:25:41,908 --> 00:25:43,510
AM I TOO LATE FOR THE AUDITION
FOR THE PRINCE
SORRY, DANIEL CRAIG
242
00:25:43,510 --> 00:25:52,719
AND THE AUDITION IS NOT FOR
THE PRINCE
IT'S FOR PRINCE, THE SINGER.
243
00:25:52,719 --> 00:25:57,090
UH-HUH.
DID YOU EVEN READ THE SCRIPT?
YEAH, I THOUGHT IT WAS A
244
00:25:57,090 --> 00:26:05,632
HORROR MOVIE THAT WAS ABOUT
RACISM
I'M HERE NOW, CAN I AT LEAST
245
00:26:05,632 --> 00:26:15,942
TRY?
YOU'RE GOING TO NEED A
GUITAR
246
00:26:15,942 --> 00:26:22,415
FINE, SHOW ME PRINCE SEEING
AN ADORABLE DOG.
*
247
00:26:22,415 --> 00:26:29,456
BUT THEN IT BITES HIM
*
OKAY.
248
00:26:29,456 --> 00:26:45,171
SO HE KICKS IT AND MISSES.
*
HEY, HEY, GET OFF ME,
249
00:26:45,171 --> 00:26:46,272
DOUBLE O -
HOW WAS THAT?
BAD
250
00:26:46,272 --> 00:26:48,475
BUT YOU'RE JAMES BOND, SO YOU
GOT THE PART
*
251
00:26:55,915 --> 00:27:04,557
HELLO, FOLKS
WELCOME TO "CELEB SCHOOL."
I'M YOUR HOST, BERT SIMPSON.
252
00:27:04,557 --> 00:27:08,862
BERT SIMPSON
AND YOU KNOW THE GAME.
TWO CONTESTANTS TRY TO WIN
253
00:27:08,862 --> 00:27:13,299
$10,000 WITH HELP FROM OUR
CLASSROOM OF CELEBS.
PLAYING TODAY ARE TRISHELLE AND
254
00:27:13,299 --> 00:27:17,037
RYAN
NOW, LET'S MEET OUR CELEBRITY
STUDENTS
255
00:27:17,037 --> 00:27:21,841
WAIT, ARE WE NOT GOING TO DO
INTRO BANTER
OH, NO, YOU TWO ARE BORING.
256
00:27:21,841 --> 00:27:26,179
ALL RIGHT, FROM "LAST WEEK
TONIGHT," IT'S JOHN OLIVER
GAME SHOWS.
257
00:27:26,179 --> 00:27:30,050
AMERICA'S DIRTY LITTLE
OBSESSION.
"GET ME MORE GAME SHOWS, DADDY,
258
00:27:30,050 --> 00:27:37,057
MORE, PLEASE."
OKAY.
FROM "WHITE LOTUS,"
259
00:27:37,057 --> 00:27:42,896
JENNIFER COOLIDGE.
OH, GEEZ!
WHY AM I HERE?
260
00:27:42,896 --> 00:27:52,138
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, GOSH.
NEXT, AN ACTOR WHOSE VOICE
SOUNDS LIKE IT'S BEEN CHANGED TO
261
00:27:52,138 --> 00:27:55,875
PROTECT HIS IDENTITY,
ADAM DRIVER.
HELLO
262
00:27:55,875 --> 00:28:04,551
EXCITING TO BE HERE.
COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.
ALL RIGHT, WE'VE ALSO GOT FUNNY
263
00:28:04,551 --> 00:28:08,855
LADY, KRISTEN WIIG
HEY, HEY!
HEY, MISTER HOST MAN
264
00:28:08,855 --> 00:28:14,794
DUMB
DUMB
WHY DID I SAY THAT
265
00:28:14,794 --> 00:28:20,166
AND STAR TREK LEGEND,
GEORGE TAKEI
HELLO
266
00:28:20,166 --> 00:28:22,302
WELL.
GEORGE, I GOT TO ASK
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY IT?
267
00:28:22,302 --> 00:28:27,140
THAT DEPENDS ON HOW BAD YOU
WANT IT.
OH, VERY BAD.
268
00:28:27,140 --> 00:28:31,945
OH, MY.
THERE IT IS
ALL RIGHT.
269
00:28:31,945 --> 00:28:41,755
NEXT TO HIM WE HAVE RAPPER,
LIL WAYNE.
I LIKE TO VIBE OUT.
270
00:28:41,755 --> 00:28:50,397
IT'S A LONG GAME, WEEZY
ALL RIGHT, AND THE STAR OF "NO
TIME TO DIE," ACTOR, RAMI MALEK!
271
00:28:50,397 --> 00:28:55,268
ALL RIGHT.
AND FINALLY, FROM "SNL,"
PETE DAVIDSON.
272
00:28:55,268 --> 00:29:00,140
WHAT UP
WHAT UP, YO?
DO I HAVE TO SIT NEXT TO
273
00:29:00,140 --> 00:29:10,383
RAMI MALEK
HIS EYES ARE FREAKING ME OUT
STOP STARING AT ME, DUDE
274
00:29:10,383 --> 00:29:17,023
I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST THAT
PEOPLE SAY WE LOOK ALIKE
MAYBE.
275
00:29:17,023 --> 00:29:21,695
NO SEE IT.
MAYBE IF I LOOK A LITTLE LONGER.
NO, DUDE.
276
00:29:21,695 --> 00:29:24,397
OKAY.
RYAN, TRISHELLE, YOU KNOW HOW
THE GAME WORKS
277
00:29:24,397 --> 00:29:27,100
I GIVE YOU A SUBJECT, AND YOU
CALL ON THE CELEBRITY STUDENT
YOU THINK WILL KNOW THE ANSWER
278
00:29:27,100 --> 00:29:34,140
RYAN, YOU'RE UP FIRST.
YOUR SUBJECT IS -- GEOGRAPHY
OKAY, WELL HE HAS AN ACCENT
279
00:29:34,140 --> 00:29:43,350
AND GLASSES, WHICH MEANS, HE
GOTTA BE SMART
I CALL ON JOHN OLIVER.
280
00:29:43,350 --> 00:29:45,518
ALL RIGHT, JOHN OLIVER.
SWEDEN IS BORDERED BY NORWAY AND
WHICH OTHER COUNTRY?
281
00:29:45,518 --> 00:29:52,525
WELL, YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT
SWEDEN WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT
IKEA
282
00:29:52,525 --> 00:29:58,832
HOME O
SKETCHY FURNITURE AND EVEN
SKETCHIER MEATBALLS.
283
00:29:58,832 --> 00:30:04,270
THEY'RE NOT BEEF
BAD IKEA
BAD IKEA
284
00:30:04,270 --> 00:30:08,541
OKAY, JOHN, YOUR RANT, THOUGH
AMUSING, CONTAINED NO ANSWER
AND PLEASE, NO MORE OVER THE
285
00:30:08,541 --> 00:30:12,846
SHOULDER GRAPHICS.
ALL RIGHT, TRISHELLE, YOU CAN
STEAL.
286
00:30:12,846 --> 00:30:18,284
OKAY, I'LL CALL ON
JENNIFER COOLIDGE.
OH, GEEZ.
287
00:30:18,284 --> 00:30:26,926
BAD CHOICE, SWEETHEART
I WAS ONLY IN EUROPE ONCE.
I DRANK TOO MUCH, I PASSED OUT
288
00:30:26,926 --> 00:30:35,035
IN A SAUNA LIKE A DUMBASS.
OH, WHERE WAS I?
FINLAND?
289
00:30:35,035 --> 00:30:39,973
THAT IS CORRECT
WOW, TRISHELLE TAKES THAT POINT.
OKAY, NEXT, LET'S -- HEY, HEY,
290
00:30:39,973 --> 00:30:42,108
HEY!
STOP WITH THE PAPER AIRPLANES,
KRISTEN WIGG
291
00:30:42,108 --> 00:30:48,648
I DIDN'T THROW ANYTHING
WHY -- WHY WOULD YOU THINK I
THREW IT
292
00:30:48,648 --> 00:30:50,250
BECAUSE -- BECAUSE YOU'RE
HALF GIGGLING, AND I SAW YOU
THROW IT
293
00:30:50,250 --> 00:30:54,554
I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST BEING
WEIRD.
SORRY.
294
00:30:54,554 --> 00:30:58,358
I MIGHT DO IT AGAIN, THOUGH.
IS THAT BAD?
YES
295
00:30:58,358 --> 00:31:04,330
OKAY
TRISHELLE, YOUR SUBJECT IS --
HISTORY.
296
00:31:04,330 --> 00:31:09,703
I DON'T THINK HE'LL KNOW THE
ANSWER, BECAUSE HE'S DEFINITELY
HIGH AS HELL
297
00:31:09,703 --> 00:31:12,505
BUT I'M A BIG FAN, SO I'M GONNA
CALL ON WEEZY.
YEAH, I'D LIKE TO SOLVE THE
298
00:31:12,505 --> 00:31:19,512
PUZZLE
"WHAT IS THAT BIG FATASS?"
ONCE AGAIN, THIS IS NOT
299
00:31:19,512 --> 00:31:24,451
"WHEEL OF FORTUNE.
NOR IS IT "JEOPARDY!."
ARE YOU READY FOR THE QUESTION,
300
00:31:24,451 --> 00:31:30,357
LIL WAYNE?
AND HE'S GONE.
OKAY
301
00:31:30,357 --> 00:31:33,093
DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE HE WENT?
RAMI MALEK, DID YOU SEE WHERE
WEEZY WENT
302
00:31:33,093 --> 00:31:43,837
NO.
I'VE BEEN STARING AT PETE
DAVIDSON
303
00:31:43,837 --> 00:31:46,940
PLEASE, JUST MAKE HIM STOP.
IT'S LIKE HIS SOUL, HE'S LIKE --
HE'S GOT THE SOUL OF A VICTORIAN
304
00:31:46,940 --> 00:31:48,441
CHILD TRAPPED IN HIS EYES.
YEAH.
YOU'RE NOT WRONG, PETE
305
00:31:48,441 --> 00:31:52,212
OKAY
TRISHELLE, SECOND CHOICE
I'LL CALL ON PETE DAVIDSON.
306
00:31:52,212 --> 00:32:00,820
PASS.
YOU CAN'T PASS, PETE.
ALL RIGHT, YOUR QUESTION --
307
00:32:00,820 --> 00:32:06,226
WHICH REVOLUTIONARY WAR BATTLE
WAS FOUGHT IN YOUR HOMETOWN,
NEW YORK CITY?
308
00:32:06,226 --> 00:32:10,530
I MEAN, HOW WOULD I KNOW
THAT
I WENT TO SCHOOL IN
309
00:32:10,530 --> 00:32:18,104
STATEN ISLAND.
ALL OF OUR CLASSES WERE TO
PREPARE US TO BE FIREFIGHTERS
310
00:32:18,104 --> 00:32:24,544
AND RACIST COPS.
OH, MY.
GEORGE, YOU STAY OUT OF THIS.
311
00:32:24,544 --> 00:32:30,483
I NEED AN ANSWER, PETE
I DON'T KNOW.
CAN I JUST GIVE TRISHELLE
312
00:32:30,483 --> 00:32:38,091
$10,000 AFTER THE SHOW
I MEAN, THAT WOULD BE EASIER
NOT HOW THE GAME WORKS.
313
00:32:38,091 --> 00:32:40,193
OKAY, RYAN, YOUR CHANCE TO
STEAL.
OKAY, LET'S GO WITH
314
00:32:40,193 --> 00:32:45,565
ADAM DRIVER.
GOOD.
YES.
315
00:32:45,565 --> 00:32:55,342
LET'S HAVE FUN PLAYING THE GAME.
OKAY, ADAM
WHICH REVOLUTIONARY BATTLE WAS
316
00:32:55,342 --> 00:33:01,214
FOUGHT IN NEW YORK CITY?
I DON'T KNOW, SO I'M NOT
GOING TO ANSWER THE QUESTION
317
00:33:01,214 --> 00:33:06,086
CALM DOWN
ANY OF OUR OTHER CELEBS THINK
THEY KNOW?
318
00:33:06,086 --> 00:33:07,721
OH, GEORGE TAKEI HAS HIS HAND
UP
YOU GOT AN ANSWER?
319
00:33:07,721 --> 00:33:13,626
NO, I HAVE A QUESTION
WHY DID WILLIAM SHATNER GET TO
GO TO SPACE AND NOT ME
320
00:33:13,626 --> 00:33:20,667
LET SULU GO TO THE MOON.
I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT UP TO
ME, GEORGE
321
00:33:20,667 --> 00:33:23,937
AND NOT THAT ANYONE CARES, BUT
THE ANSWER WAS BROOKLYN.
THE BATTLE OF BROOKLYN WAS
322
00:33:23,937 --> 00:33:34,714
FOUGHT IN NEW YORK CITY.
YEAH, WHERE THE PLANE GO AT
THAT IS "THE PRICE IS RIGHT"
323
00:33:34,714 --> 00:33:35,949
WEEZY.
OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A
QUICK COMMERCIAL BREAK
324
00:33:35,949 --> 00:33:38,251
COMMERCIAL -- TV'S NEXT
THAT IS "THE PRICE IS RIGHT"
WEEZY.
325
00:33:38,251 --> 00:33:42,188
OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A
QUICK COMMERCIAL BREAK
COMMERCIAL -- TV'S NEXT
326
00:33:47,927 --> 00:33:50,930
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOUNG THUG
327
00:33:54,334 --> 00:33:57,537
* OKAY I JUST WOKE UP
IN AN ANIMAL
I JUST WOKE UP IN A LAMBO'
328
00:33:57,537 --> 00:34:00,273
FLAWLESS BAGUETTES AND *
* THE ORANGE RICHAR
I JUST HAD BUST DOWN
329
00:34:00,273 --> 00:34:02,942
A CANTALOUPE
WANT BEEF AND *
* I'M TRYNA BE VEGA
330
00:34:02,942 --> 00:34:06,212
BUT IT BAE
BRING A CAN OF SMOKE
I CAN'T SEE IN *
331
00:34:06,212 --> 00:34:07,814
* THE GLASSES STORE
SLIDIN' IN THE COUPE
IN THE BAC
332
00:34:07,814 --> 00:34:10,517
SMOKE OUT THE BAG *
* TOO BIG FOR A SAC
DO YOU SEE HER BABY HAIR
333
00:34:10,517 --> 00:34:13,186
GROWING DOWN HER BAC
SHAWTY LOOK JUST LIK
A TWO-YEAR-OLD BRAT *
334
00:34:13,186 --> 00:34:16,423
* JUST LIKE A RECOR
GET SCRATCHE
Y'ALL RATS DISPATC
335
00:34:16,423 --> 00:34:21,828
I GOT FOUR BLACKS *
* IN HER BACK I'M DAD
PLAYER WHERE YOU FRO
336
00:34:21,828 --> 00:34:23,463
TALK 'BOUT THE TRENCHE
I CAME OUT THE TRENCHES *
* I CAME FROM THE ROACHES
337
00:34:23,463 --> 00:34:26,700
I CAME FROM THE RICHES
I'M FROM WHERE THEY CALL YOU
A RAT IF YOU SNITCHIN' *
338
00:34:26,700 --> 00:34:29,969
* I CAME FROM THE SAM
STREET AS THE PIMP I
I'M RAISED BY THEM JUNKIES
339
00:34:29,969 --> 00:34:31,571
WE SLEEP WITH THEM *
* YOUNG CAME FROM NOTHIN'
HE'LL GIVE UP HIS KIDNEY
340
00:34:31,571 --> 00:34:35,875
BUT SAINT LAURENT STILL TRYN
CEASE-AND-DESIST IT WOO *
* SAY, "HOW DO YOU KEEP
341
00:34:35,875 --> 00:34:37,477
UP WITH MILLIONS
I'M STRAIGHT OUT
THE TRENCHES WOO *
342
00:34:37,477 --> 00:34:40,747
* SAY LET GO THEY
WE TREATIN' THEM RIGHT AND
WE GRANTIN' THEY WISHES WO
343
00:34:40,747 --> 00:34:46,653
I WAS A CAPO IN MY *
* HOOD WAY 'FORE
PLAQUE OR A MENTIO
344
00:34:46,653 --> 00:34:48,254
HE CAN GET HIT WIT
THE 'STENSION *
* SHOT FOR THE FO
345
00:34:48,254 --> 00:34:49,889
BUT I MISSED I
TICK TOCK TICK TOC
TEN SHOTS TO YOUR SIDE *
346
00:34:49,889 --> 00:34:56,896
* LIKE TICK TOC
WHEN I BOW DOWN TO M
IT COME WITH A BIG ROC
347
00:34:56,896 --> 00:35:00,700
DO YOU WAN' KNOW HOW IT IS *
* WHEN YOU A BIG DAWG
YOU MIGHT GOT TO
348
00:35:00,700 --> 00:35:14,047
YOU MIGHT GOT TO
TAKE THE ASSIS
LET YOUR DAWG GET *
349
00:35:47,213 --> 00:35:57,957
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE
THANK YOU
GOOD EVENING
350
00:35:57,957 --> 00:36:01,194
WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE,"
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
I'M COLIN JOST.
351
00:36:01,194 --> 00:36:05,565
THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION'S
CLIMATE PLAN IS LIKELY TO BE
DROPPED FROM THE BUDGET BILL
352
00:36:05,565 --> 00:36:10,403
AFTER SENATOR JOE MANCHIN
REFUSED TO SUPPORT IT.
I'M NOT GOING TO LET SOME BAD
353
00:36:10,403 --> 00:36:17,444
CLIMATE NEWS RUIN THIS BEAUTIFUL
80 DEGREE OCTOBER DAY.
MANCHIN, WHO'S FROM WEST
354
00:36:17,444 --> 00:36:20,780
VIRGINIA, SAID HE WOULD ONLY
AGREE TO BIDEN'S BILL IF IT CUTS
CLEAN ENERGY AND OFFICIALLY
355
00:36:20,780 --> 00:36:28,221
MAKES COAL ONE OF THE FIVE FOOD
GROUPS
A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT
356
00:36:28,221 --> 00:36:32,058
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ON AVERAGE
22 MINUTES LATE FOR PUBLIC
EVENTS
357
00:36:32,058 --> 00:36:39,132
WORSE, HE ONLY DOES IT TO APPEAL
TO BLACK VOTERS.
THE BROOKLYN NETS HAVE
358
00:36:39,132 --> 00:36:43,470
BENCHED STAR PLAYER KYRIE IRVING
FROM THE TEAM UNTIL HE'S FINALLY
VACCINATED
359
00:36:43,470 --> 00:36:55,515
AND AS A NEW YORK SPORTS FAN I
HOPE THIS DECISION FINALLY
FORCES KYRIE TO DO THE RIGHT
360
00:36:55,515 --> 00:37:01,454
THING AND BUY A FAKE VACCINATION
CARD
LOGISTICAL DELAYS CAUSED BY
361
00:37:01,454 --> 00:37:03,223
WORKER SHORTAGES AND COVID
OUTBREAKS HAVE DOUBLED THE TIME
IT TAKES FOR SOME PRODUCTS TO
362
00:37:03,223 --> 00:37:10,797
GET FROM ASIA TO THE U.S
THIS MIGHT SOUND CRAZY, BUT
COULD WE USE BATS?
363
00:37:10,797 --> 00:37:15,168
'CAUSE THE LAST TIME THEY PUT
SOMETHING IN BATS, IT GOT
EVERYWHERE REAL QUICK.
364
00:37:15,168 --> 00:37:18,938
OH, YOU'RE PRO-BAT HERE?
OKAY
TRANSPORTATION SECRETARY
365
00:37:18,938 --> 00:37:22,175
PETE BUTTIGIEG IS BEING
CRITICIZED FOR REMAINING ON
PATERNITY LEAVE WITH HIS HUSBAND
366
00:37:22,175 --> 00:37:27,047
AND CHILD WHILE SUPPLY CHAIN
PROBLEMS THREATEN THE HOLIDAY
SHOPPING SEASON.
367
00:37:27,047 --> 00:37:41,594
SAID CONSERVATIVES, SEE, YOU LET
GAY COUPLES HAVE KIDS AND GOD
CANCELS CHRISTMAS.
368
00:37:41,594 --> 00:37:44,864
A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT
CORONAVIRUS CAN CAUSE
INFERTILITY IN MEN
369
00:37:44,864 --> 00:37:46,966
SO IT'S NOT ALL BAD.
I DON'T KNOW WHY IT CUTS TO
ME ON THAT
370
00:37:46,966 --> 00:38:04,150
I DON'T KNOW WHY IT CUTS TO
ME ON THAT
BUT, OKAY.
371
00:38:08,688 --> 00:38:15,161
DOES ANYONE WANT TO BE JUDGED BY
THEIR OLD E-MAILS?
IF YOU COULD SEE HALF THE
372
00:38:15,161 --> 00:38:21,468
E-MAILS CHE SENDS ME
ACTUALLY, I'LL SHOW YOU ONE.
THE SUBLINE IS LISTEN UP, HONKY.
373
00:38:21,468 --> 00:38:29,142
THEN THE BODY OF THE E-MAIL JUST
SAYS I WISH THEY GOT YOU INSTEAD
OF HARAMBO
374
00:38:29,142 --> 00:38:35,281
SO YOU DID GET THAT ONE
COLIN KAEPERNICK REVEALED
THAT HE HAS MAINTAINED HIS
375
00:38:35,281 --> 00:38:36,850
5:00 A.M. TRAINING REGIMEN IN
CASE HE GETS CALLED BACK UP TO
THE NFL.
376
00:38:36,850 --> 00:38:40,086
BUT THE GIANTS ARE STILL GOING
TO STICK WITH THEIR CURRENT
QUARTERBACK, A SCARECROW ON A
377
00:38:40,086 --> 00:38:46,059
ROOMBA
A PHOTO OF TIMOTHEE CHALAMET
A PHOTO OF TIMOTHEE CHALAMET
378
00:38:46,059 --> 00:38:53,566
AS WILLY WONKA IN AN UPCOMING
PREQUEL TO "CHARLIE AND THE
CHOCOLATE FACTORY" WENT VIRAL
379
00:38:53,566 --> 00:38:59,506
THIS WEEK WITH MANY ON SOCIAL
MEDIA CALLING HIM A TWINK WILLY
WONKA.
380
00:38:59,506 --> 00:39:09,215
HERE TO COMMENT IS A PROUD GAY
OOMPA LOOMPA
HEY
381
00:39:09,215 --> 00:39:13,019
HI
OKAY, WAIT
HOW DID YOU JUST INTRODUCE ME?
382
00:39:13,019 --> 00:39:16,790
AS A PROUD GAY OOMPA LOOMPA
OH MY GOD, THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY, IS THAT NOT
383
00:39:16,790 --> 00:39:19,526
CORRECT?
NO, NO, IT'S CORRECT, YOU
JUST OUTED ME ON NATIONAL
384
00:39:19,526 --> 00:39:27,133
TELEVISION
OH MY GOD -
DON'T GET MAD, IT'S FINE.
385
00:39:27,133 --> 00:39:35,208
I CAME HERE TO MAKE A STATEMENT
ON OUR IMPENDING FACTORY STRIKE.
BUT NOW I GUESS I GOT TO CALL MY
386
00:39:35,208 --> 00:39:39,512
PARENTS.
WHEN DOES THIS AIR
OH, IT'S LIVE
387
00:39:39,512 --> 00:39:45,418
IT'S LIVE
OKAY
WOW.
388
00:39:45,418 --> 00:39:49,823
I SHOULD PROBABLY READ MY THING,
OKAY
WELL, WITH ALL THE RECENT
389
00:39:49,823 --> 00:39:53,593
COVERAGE OF AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG
WONKA IS SCRUMP-DIDDLY-UMPTIOUS,
WHAT'S NOT SO
390
00:39:53,593 --> 00:40:04,004
SCRUMP-DIDDLY-UMPTIOUS ARE THE
UNSAFE WORKING COMPANIES THAT
HIS WORKERS -- OH, BOY
391
00:40:04,004 --> 00:40:06,072
ARE YOU OKAY?
SORRY, I'M JUST THINKING
ABOUT HOW MY PARENTS SAW THAT MY
392
00:40:06,072 --> 00:40:07,707
PHONE BACKGROUND AS PICTURE OF
LAURA DERN, AND I LET THEM THINK
SHE'S MY WIFE.
393
00:40:07,707 --> 00:40:13,613
THEY'RE NOT NEGATIVE
THEY LIVE IN LOOMPA LAND, THEY
JUST GOT "WILL & GRACE."
394
00:40:13,613 --> 00:40:24,224
IT'S GOING TO BE A CONVERSATION.
WE CAN STOP IF YOU WANT
NO, IT'S FINE
395
00:40:24,224 --> 00:40:30,430
THIS TWING WONKA OR TWONKA, MA
LOOK AS YUMMY AS LICKABLE
WALLPAPER.
396
00:40:30,430 --> 00:40:36,970
BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE, HE IS
NOTHING MORE THAN --
ACTUALLY, I'M GOING TO GO OFF
397
00:40:36,970 --> 00:40:38,605
SCRIPT BECAUSE A CLOSETED PERSON
WROTE THIS
POINT BLANK, THE MAN DON'T KNOW
398
00:40:38,605 --> 00:40:40,273
HOW TO MAKE CHOCOLATE, OKAY?
HE'S A VISIONARY WHO'S NEVER
TOUCHED A MACHINE, HE JUST
399
00:40:40,273 --> 00:40:46,680
TUMBLES INTO THE INVENTING ROOM
AND SAYS SOMETHING LIKE, "WHAT
ABOUT A SODA THAT MAKES YOU
400
00:40:46,680 --> 00:40:55,355
FLY?
MEANWHILE WE'RE UP ALL NIGHT
REHEARSING THE LITTLE SONG AND
401
00:40:55,355 --> 00:41:10,437
DANCE WE DO WHEN A CHILD DIES.
THE WHOLE THING IS SICK.
MAN
402
00:41:10,437 --> 00:41:13,073
WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE NOT EXCITED
ABOUT THIS NEW WONKA
I'M SORRY, DO I JUST -- GIVE
403
00:41:13,073 --> 00:41:14,708
OFF A GAY VIBE OR SOMETHING?
LIKE WHAT ABOUT THIS SEEMS GAY
TO YOU
404
00:41:14,708 --> 00:41:16,309
I MEAN, THERE'S A LOT OF
PRODUCT IN YOUR HAIR
OKAY.
405
00:41:16,309 --> 00:41:20,647
AND YOU JUST STEPPED OUT OF THE
SHOWER LIKE THAT WITH YOURS?
OKAY.
406
00:41:20,647 --> 00:41:31,558
OKAY, WOW, I'M BEING A BITCH.
HONKSLY, IT DOES FEEL NICE TO BE
OUT.
407
00:41:31,558 --> 00:41:35,795
NOW THAT I'M OUT OF THE CLOSET,
MAYBE YOU CAN COME OUT, TOO,
COLIN.
408
00:41:35,795 --> 00:41:37,997
OH, NO, I'M NOT GAY.
SORRY, GIRLS, I TRIED
A PROUD GAY OOMPA LOOMPA,
409
00:41:37,997 --> 00:41:47,140
EVERYONE
EXPERTS SAY THAT BY 2026,
EXPERTS SAY THAT BY 2026,
410
00:41:51,411 --> 00:42:02,722
"NOT SO FAST," SAID PORN HUB
DC COMICS ANNOUNCED THE NEW
SUPERMAN WILL BE BISEXUAL.
411
00:42:02,722 --> 00:42:09,763
THEY ALSO ANNOUNCED THAT THE
RIDDLER HAS ALWAYS BEEN DOWN FOR
WHATEVER
412
00:42:09,763 --> 00:42:17,837
A CALIFORNIA RANCH, ONCE
OWNED BY RONALD REAGAN, IS BEING
THREATENED BY A LARGE WILDFIRE
413
00:42:17,837 --> 00:42:20,573
CREWS ARE HOPING TO PUT OUT THE
BLAZE BY POURING WATER ONTO A
NEARBY HILL AND HOPING IT
414
00:42:20,573 --> 00:42:37,090
TRICKLES DOWN.
ECONOMICS
AN ECONOMIC JOKE
415
00:42:37,090 --> 00:42:38,758
MUSIC COMMENTATORS ARE
NOTING THAT UPCOMING RELEASES
FROM TAYLOR SWIFT AND ADELE
416
00:42:38,758 --> 00:42:40,260
SIGNAL A SHIFT IN THE INDUSTRY
FROM HOT GIRL SUMMER TO SAD GIRL
AUTUMN
417
00:42:40,260 --> 00:42:58,211
AUTUMN
WHICH IS FOLLOWED AS ALWAYS BY
MESSY DIVA CHRISTMAS
418
00:43:09,756 --> 00:43:19,466
THEY WILL NO LONGER PLAY THEIR
1971 RECORD "BROWN SUGAR."
SOMETHING I WISH I'D KNOWN
419
00:43:19,466 --> 00:43:35,448
1971 RECORD "BROWN SUGAR."
SOMETHING I WISH I'D KNOWN
SOMETHING I WISH I'D KNOWN
420
00:43:39,853 --> 00:43:43,089
UP HERE EVERY \SATURDAY KEEPING
US INFORMED IS IMPORTANT, BRO.
BUT CHE, WHEN DO YOU TAKE A
421
00:43:43,089 --> 00:43:49,662
MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT THE
IMPORTANT UNIMPORTANT THINGS,
BROTHER?
422
00:43:49,662 --> 00:43:56,302
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
YOU KNOW, THE STUFF LIKE MOST
PEOPLE DON'T TALK ABOUT BECAUSE
423
00:43:56,302 --> 00:43:58,238
TECHNICALLY IT DON'T MATTER.
HERE
LET ME TAKE A MOMENT REAL QUICK.
424
00:43:58,238 --> 00:44:00,440
HIT ME
*
ALL THAT TALK ABOUT DEBT CEILING
425
00:44:00,440 --> 00:44:02,609
AND CLIMATE CHANGE, BUT NOBODY
TALKS ABOUT THE FACT THAT NOT A
SINGLE PERSON HERE KNOWS A
426
00:44:02,609 --> 00:44:04,244
PERSON THAT DRIVES OR OPERATES A
BLIMP.
A BLIMP
427
00:44:04,244 --> 00:44:09,082
YES, A BLIMP.
LIKE, WHY DO WE NOT KNOW WHO
DRIVES THAT?
428
00:44:09,082 --> 00:44:17,957
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS, I'M A DRIVER.
YOU DON'T SAY, OH, CAR OR BLIMP?
WHO'S DRIVING THESE THINGS
429
00:44:17,957 --> 00:44:23,930
THEY COULD FLY A PLANE OR A JET.
NO, I WANT TO FLY A SLOW-ASS
DILDO ACROSS THE SKY
430
00:44:23,930 --> 00:44:25,665
I KNOW MORE CRACKHEADS BY NAME
THAN I KNOW BLIMP DRIVERS.
THAT'S A REAL -- ACTUALLY, ALL
431
00:44:25,665 --> 00:44:32,772
ACROSS THE COUNTRY, NOT ONE
PERSON KNOWS A BLIMP DRIVER.
THIS MIGHT BE A DUMB QUESTION,
432
00:44:32,772 --> 00:44:36,843
BUT ARE WE SURE BLIMPS ARE REAL?
I'M PRETTY SURE THEY'RE REAL,
CHRIS.
433
00:44:36,843 --> 00:44:39,079
EXACTLY
PRETTY SURE.
I'VE NEVER HEARD A COMING OF AGE
434
00:44:39,079 --> 00:44:51,358
STORY ABOUT A BLIMP DRIVER
HOLD ON, CHRIS, THIS WASN'T
THE PLAN
435
00:44:51,358 --> 00:44:53,126
WHAT?
WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE
TALKING ABOUT THE LAST TIME YOU
436
00:44:53,126 --> 00:44:54,594
WERE UP HERE
NO.
AND THAT THING YOU SAID
437
00:44:54,594 --> 00:44:56,863
I DON'T THINK SO, I THINK I
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING
ABOUT -- WHY IS EVERYBODY SO MAD
438
00:44:56,863 --> 00:44:59,499
ABOUT SUPERMAN'S SON IN THE
COMICS BEING A LITTLE BI-SEX BOY
NOW?
439
00:44:59,499 --> 00:45:04,404
WHAT A WASTE OF TIME THAT IS
HE'S NOT REAL.
AND I DON'T CARE WHAT REAL
440
00:45:04,404 --> 00:45:09,209
PEOPLE DO WITH THEIR SEX
SO WHY WOULD I CARE ABOUT A
STENCIL, DOG
441
00:45:09,209 --> 00:45:14,047
THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING FOR
EVERYBODY, SO TREAT LIFE LIKE A
PORN HUB SELECTION
442
00:45:14,047 --> 00:45:17,851
IF IT AIN'T FOR YOU, DON'T CLICK
THE TAB.
ANYWAY, WHAT PORN YOU WATCH,
443
00:45:17,851 --> 00:45:28,795
CHE?
WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT PORN,
CHRIS.
444
00:45:28,795 --> 00:45:30,196
ME NEITHER, YOU RIGHT
MY PORN-WATCHING DAYS ARE OVER,
MAN.
445
00:45:30,196 --> 00:45:31,831
BECAUSE I THOUGHT AN AMOUNT OF
FEEDBACK, LIKE THE PASSION IN
YOUR EYES.
446
00:45:31,831 --> 00:45:38,538
ANYWAY, WILLIAM SHATNER WENT TO
HEY, COLIN, CAN I SMOKE IN YOUR
HOUSE?
447
00:45:38,538 --> 00:45:40,140
I HAVE A BABY
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN ON LITTLE
448
00:45:40,140 --> 00:45:45,945
BABY CLETUS.
YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT HIS NAME.
I'VE SENT YOU PICTURES
449
00:45:45,945 --> 00:45:54,087
I GET A LOT OF PICTURES,
COLIN.
I ONLY REMEMBER THE BOOBIES.
450
00:45:54,087 --> 00:45:55,622
CHRIS, CHRIS.
THAT'S ENOUGH.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE LAST TIME
451
00:45:55,622 --> 00:45:57,157
YOU WERE HERE, MAN
DAMN, ALL RIGHT, MAN.
ROLL THE DAMN CLIP
452
00:45:57,157 --> 00:46:02,595
CHRIS REDD, EVERYONE!
BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T GET THE
CORONAVIRUS!
453
00:46:02,595 --> 00:46:09,135
OKAY.
SO IT DIDN'T HOLD UP GREAT
I'M NOT SURE PEOPLE CAUGHT
454
00:46:09,135 --> 00:46:14,407
THAT CLIP FROM FEBRUARY 2020
PLEASE ROLL IT AGAIN
BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T GET THE
455
00:46:14,407 --> 00:46:24,951
CORONAVIRUS!
OK.
IN MY DEFENSE, I WAS SAYING
456
00:46:24,951 --> 00:46:29,155
SOMETHING CRAZY.
I'M NOT A SCIENTIST.
THIS IS LIKE HIGH SCHOOL, BUT
457
00:46:29,155 --> 00:46:33,059
YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH YOUR
TEACHER.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
458
00:46:33,059 --> 00:46:42,068
I'M PRETTY SURE YOU ACTUALLY
CAN'T, MAN
OH.
459
00:46:42,068 --> 00:46:45,839
THAT'S CHRIS REDD WITH VERY
IMPORTANT UNIMPORTANT NEWS
NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE ARE TALKING
460
00:46:45,839 --> 00:46:49,609
ABOUT IT, Y'ALL!
OFFICIALS WITH WAYMO, A
OFFICIALS WITH WAYMO, A
461
00:46:49,609 --> 00:46:55,548
SELF-DRIVING TAXI SERVICE, SAY
THAT AFTER A YEAR THE ROBO TAXIS
STILL HAVE TROUBLE WITH LEFT
462
00:46:55,548 --> 00:47:02,022
TURNS AND PUDDLES.
WHICH EXPLAINS WAYMO'S SLOGAN,
"LET'S GET IN WAYMO ACCIDENTS.
463
00:47:02,022 --> 00:47:06,860
A WOMAN IN ARIZONA GAVE
BIRTH TO A 14-POUND BABY BOY
SO NOW ARIZONA HAS TWO GRAND
464
00:47:06,860 --> 00:47:20,707
CANYONS.
IN THE MATH BOOK
DOESN'T GET IT
465
00:47:20,707 --> 00:47:26,379
OH, MY GOD
OH
ONE OF HUGH HEFNER'S GIRL
466
00:47:26,379 --> 00:47:34,754
FRIENDS SAID THE PLAY BOY
MANSION WAS HAUNTED.
IF YOU TURN ON A BLACK LIGHT YOU
467
00:47:34,754 --> 00:47:42,629
SEE ET CETERAO PLAS
EMEVERYWHERE
A BRITISH WOMAN WAS SHOCKED
468
00:47:42,629 --> 00:47:44,230
WHEN SHE DISCOVERED A
FOUR-FOOT-LONG PYTHON IN HER
FOUR-FOOT-LONG PYTHON IN HER
469
00:47:44,230 --> 00:47:48,702
TOILET
BUT HEY, THAT'S INDIAN FOOD FOR
YOU.
470
00:47:48,702 --> 00:47:54,107
YOU'LL GO BACK TO THE GRAND
CANYON JOKE, YEAH.
A NEW STAGE SHOW FROM
471
00:47:54,107 --> 00:47:56,142
WORLD-RENOWNED HYPNOTIST LINUS
MINUS IS QUICKLY BECOMING THE
TALK OF BROADWAY'S REOPENING
472
00:47:56,142 --> 00:48:02,048
HERE WITH MORE IS LINUS MINUS
AND HIS VOLUNTEER, ROY
HI, THERE
473
00:48:02,048 --> 00:48:07,487
HI, THERE, COLIN
YES, I FOUND A VOLUNTEER TO BE
HYPNOTIZED ON YOUR SHOW.
474
00:48:07,487 --> 00:48:10,256
HE'S A MEMBER OF YOUR SECURITY
STAFF HERE AT "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE."
475
00:48:10,256 --> 00:48:15,095
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
HEY, ROY, HOW YOU FEELING?
NERVOUS?
476
00:48:15,095 --> 00:48:20,533
OH, MAN, COME ON, NOW
THIS LITTLE SILLY MAGIC STUFF
AIN'T GOING TO WORK ON ME, JACK.
477
00:48:20,533 --> 00:48:25,405
HUMOR ME, ROY, AND IMAGINE
YOURSELF ON A CLOUD, ROY
AND AS I COUNT DOWN FROM FIVE,
478
00:48:25,405 --> 00:48:32,379
YOU SLIP FURTHER INTO THE CLOUD,
ROY.
FIVE, FOUR, YOU'RE FALLING,
479
00:48:32,379 --> 00:48:40,520
THREE, TWO, DEEPER ROY, ONE, AND
SLIP
ALL RIGHT, NOW, ROY IS IN A
480
00:48:40,520 --> 00:48:46,826
STATE OF SUGGESTIVE HYPNOSIS,
MEANING -- OK.
OH, DEAR
481
00:48:46,826 --> 00:48:53,199
J IS EVERYTHING OK
I THINK HE WAS A LITTLE TOO
RELAXED AND HE TINGLED JUST A
482
00:48:53,199 --> 00:49:01,041
LITTLE BIT
I APOLOGIZE BUTWE'LL HAVE TO
ACCOUNTED THIS SHORT
483
00:49:01,041 --> 00:49:05,378
ROY, WHEN YOU HEAR WAKE, YOU
WILL RETURN TO A STATE OF ACTIVE
CONSCIOUSNESS.
484
00:49:05,378 --> 00:49:11,685
AND WAKE
HEY, MAN.
WHY ARE MY PANTS WET
485
00:49:11,685 --> 00:49:17,123
YOU MADE ME PISS MYSELF ON LIVE
TV
SLEEP
486
00:49:17,123 --> 00:49:22,529
WHY DID YOU PUT HIM TO SLEEP
AGAIN?
WELL -- HE GRABBED ME
487
00:49:22,529 --> 00:49:34,040
AND I FELT A LITTLE BIT SCARED
FOR MY LIFE.
ROY, WHEN YOU HEAR "WAKE" YOU
488
00:49:34,040 --> 00:49:40,880
WILL NOT BE ANGRY ABOUT WHAT'S
GOING ON IN YOUR PANTS, YOU WILL
BE HAPPY ABOUT IT, AND WAKE!
489
00:49:40,880 --> 00:49:48,421
OH, WHAT YOU DOING FEELS SO
GOOD, ZENDAYA!
SLEEP
490
00:49:48,421 --> 00:49:57,097
ROY MADE THE SOURCE OF HAPPINESS
IN HIS PANTS A SEXUAL FANTASY
WITH ZENDAYA
491
00:49:57,097 --> 00:49:58,865
I FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD GET ROY
OFFSTAGE
THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO,
492
00:49:58,865 --> 00:50:02,535
COLIN.
ROY, WHEN YOU HEAR "WAKE,"
ZENDAYA IS GONE.
493
00:50:02,535 --> 00:50:07,941
ZENDAYA IS NOT HERE.
AND WAKE
WHAT HAPPENED TO ZENDAYA?
494
00:50:07,941 --> 00:50:14,914
WHAT'D YOU DO TO ZENDAYA, YOU
SON OF A BITCH
ROY
495
00:50:14,914 --> 00:50:27,827
ROY?
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO ZENDAYA.
I AM NOT THE REASON ZENDAYA
496
00:50:27,827 --> 00:50:31,598
ISN'T HERE
AND WAKE
OH, NO, I KILLED ZENDAYA!
497
00:50:31,598 --> 00:50:41,841
AND I PEED MY PANTS!
HELP, HELP
GO TO SLEEP
498
00:50:41,841 --> 00:50:47,814
OK
ONE MORE TIME.
ROY, UNWAKE YOUR PANTS ARE NOT
499
00:50:47,814 --> 00:50:50,784
WET.
THEY'RE DRY.
ZENDAYA IS NOT HERE, BUT ZENDAYA
500
00:50:50,784 --> 00:50:59,125
IS ALIVE AND SAFE.
YOU ARE CALM, YOU'RE JUST HERE
DOING A NORMAL JOB WHAT YOU DO
501
00:50:59,125 --> 00:51:04,464
EVERY SATURDAY HERE AT "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE."
AND WAKE
502
00:51:04,464 --> 00:51:06,132
AND HOW DO YOU FEEL, ROY?
GREAT
I SHOULD GET BACK TO WORK,
503
00:51:06,132 --> 00:51:09,869
THOUGH
HEY, MICHAEL CHE, PLEASE TELL
THEM STRIPPERS IN YOUR DRESSING
504
00:51:09,869 --> 00:51:14,708
ROOM TO PUT ON A MASK.
HEY, SLEEP!
LINUS MINUS AND ROY,
505
00:51:14,708 --> 00:51:17,911
EVERYONE
I'M MICHAEL CHE
I'M COLIN JOST.
506
00:51:17,911 --> 00:51:20,080
I'M MICHAEL CHE
I'M COLIN JOST.
GOOD NIGHT
507
00:51:31,791 --> 00:51:36,663
YEAH.
IS IT -- IS IT TOO SOFT?
I MEAN, LOOK AT ME
508
00:51:36,663 --> 00:51:41,001
I FEEL LIKE GOLDILOCKS
HI, CAN I HELP YOU FOLKS OUT
WITH ANYTHING?
509
00:51:41,001 --> 00:51:44,304
YEAH, WELL, WE'RE LOOKING FOR
A MATTRESS
BUT WE'RE TORN BETWEEN THESE
510
00:51:44,304 --> 00:51:46,573
TWO.
WELL, IT IS A BIG DECISION.
WE DO SPEND A THIRD OF OUR LIVES
511
00:51:46,573 --> 00:51:53,480
IN BED
WOW, THAT IS SO, SO TRUE.
HONEY, WHY DON'T WE TRY IT OUT
512
00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:59,452
SO WE CAN SEE, LIKE, HOW IT
WOULD REALLY FEEL?
YEAH, YEAH.
513
00:51:59,452 --> 00:52:01,588
SOMETIMES I GET HOME LATE FROM
WORK AND IT WAKES HER UP
OH, SURE.
514
00:52:01,588 --> 00:52:07,060
WELL, TRY IT OUT, YOU'LL BARELY
FEEL ANY MOVEMENT.
GO AHEAD
515
00:52:07,060 --> 00:52:15,602
WELL, WELL, WELL.
LOOK WHO'S FINALLY HOME.
WHERE WERE YOU
516
00:52:15,602 --> 00:52:22,642
WELL, DENISE, YOU'RE AWAKE.
I AM, AND YOU REEK OF
VERMOUTH AND WHORES.
517
00:52:22,642 --> 00:52:29,149
CAN WE NOT DO THIS TONIGHT?
OH, OH, SO I'M THE PROBLEM?
GO TO HELL
518
00:52:29,149 --> 00:52:34,554
THIS FEELS GOOD, RIGHT
I LOVE IT.
YES, THIS IS REALLY
519
00:52:34,554 --> 00:52:43,296
COMFORTABLE.
OKAY.
YEAH, I CAN REALLY PICTURE US
520
00:52:43,296 --> 00:52:47,467
ON THIS.
YEAH.
GOOD NIGHT, MY LOVE
521
00:52:47,467 --> 00:52:55,575
GOOD NIGHT.
YOU WERE BEING WEIRD AT THE
PARTY TONIGHT.
522
00:52:55,575 --> 00:53:08,521
I WAS HAVING FUN.
YOU WERE TALKING TO ANDREA!
nd ANDREA IS A BITCH
523
00:53:08,521 --> 00:53:15,895
AM I ON TRIAL, YOU NAGGING
SHREW.
THIS IS NICE.
524
00:53:15,895 --> 00:53:20,166
HONESTLY, I ALMOST FELL
ASLEEP
NO.
525
00:53:20,166 --> 00:53:24,537
YOU GUYS WERE DOING A LITTLE
PLAY
WE JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THE
526
00:53:24,537 --> 00:53:29,642
MATTRESS IS PERFECT.
LIKE YOU SAID, WE SPEND SOME
THREE THIRDS IN OUR LIVES IN
527
00:53:29,642 --> 00:53:36,216
BED.
THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID
HONEY, LET'S TRY THE OTHER
528
00:53:36,216 --> 00:53:49,429
ONE.
RICHARD, NO
I'M TIRED.
529
00:53:49,429 --> 00:53:55,235
EALLY
YOU'VE BEEN TIRED FOR A MONTH,
DENISE
530
00:53:55,235 --> 00:54:13,486
WHATEVER, GOOD NIGHT
OH, DENISE.
OH, YOU ARE DRIVING ME WILD
531
00:54:13,486 --> 00:54:15,488
RIGHT NOW.
RICHARD -
THIS NIGHTGOWN.
532
00:54:15,488 --> 00:54:28,735
RICHARD, NO
HOT LADY GETS BELT ATTENTION
YOU'RE DISGUSTING
533
00:54:28,735 --> 00:54:39,112
OH, YEAH
WE LOVE THIS ONE
LOVE THIS ONE
534
00:54:39,112 --> 00:54:51,458
YEAH, I FEEL LIKE I'M LYING ON A
CLOUD.
SO WHAT DO WE THINK
535
00:54:51,458 --> 00:54:54,160
HELLO?
YOU GUYS ASLEEP?
AAHH!
536
00:54:54,160 --> 00:55:03,937
THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE
I'LL GET THE GUN!
WHEN DID YOU PUT BACK THERE
537
00:55:03,937 --> 00:55:08,775
NO, RICHARD, NOT THAT GUN
HERE
USE THE KILLING GUN!
538
00:55:08,775 --> 00:55:14,214
GOOD THINKING, DENISE
BANG!
BANG
539
00:55:14,214 --> 00:55:16,316
OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED THE
INTRUDER
YOU PROTECTED ME
540
00:55:16,316 --> 00:55:25,759
OH, DAMMIT, I'M SO HORNY FOR
YOU.
YOU COME TO ME.
541
00:55:25,759 --> 00:55:31,498
YES
DO ME LIKE I'M IN ADULT
DETENTION.
542
00:55:31,498 --> 00:55:33,633
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH,
ENOUGH, ENOUGH
PLEASE, DO YOU WANT TO BUY THIS
543
00:55:33,633 --> 00:55:39,572
MATTRESS OR WHAT
OH, GOD
OH, GOD.
544
00:55:39,572 --> 00:55:45,512
THE INTRUDER'S STILL ALIVE AND
HE HAS YOUR GUN!
BANG
545
00:55:45,512 --> 00:55:52,085
OH!
OH, I'M HIT!
NO, RICHARD
546
00:55:52,085 --> 00:56:02,328
GOOD-BYE, DENISE.
I LOVE YOU
OH, YOU SAVED ME.
547
00:56:02,328 --> 00:56:08,301
BUT I'M SO HORNY
OH, BUT MY HUSBAND IS DEAD, HE'S
DEAD IN OUR BED FROM SLEEPYTOWN!
548
00:56:08,301 --> 00:56:14,407
DEAD IN OUR BED FROM SLEEPYTOWN!
SLEEPYTOWN USA.
A BED FOR WIFE, A BED FOR LIFE
549
00:57:17,737 --> 00:57:31,184
HOPE TO HEAR YOU COME AROUND ANY
DAY *
* I LOVE WHEN YOU CALL ME ABOUT
550
00:57:31,184 --> 00:57:50,370
ANYTHING *
*
* BECAUSE I BEC LOVE IE HOVE HOU
551
00:57:50,370 --> 00:57:55,909
*
* BECAUSE I BEC LOVE IE HOVE HOU
AND *
552
00:58:23,036 --> 00:58:32,712
YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING *
* I LOVE YOU MORE THAN
ANYTHING *
553
00:59:12,485 --> 00:59:23,363
* **
*
* I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING
554
00:59:23,363 --> 00:59:41,781
* I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING
* I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING
*
555
00:59:55,061 --> 00:59:59,666
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HERE
MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN TRYING TO
GET TICKETS FOR MONTHS
556
00:59:59,666 --> 01:00:04,838
HOW DID YOU GET THEM
LET'S SAY I KNOW THE RIGHT
PEOPLE AND I SPEND A
557
01:00:04,838 --> 01:00:08,408
RIDICULOUSLY LARGE AMOUNT OF
MONEY ON THIS.
HOWEVER YOU DID IT, YOU MADE
558
01:00:08,408 --> 01:00:15,348
MY YEAR.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE GOING TO
SEE ANGELO
559
01:00:15,348 --> 01:00:21,988
I NEVER HEARD OF HIM.
HE'S AMAZING.
THE REVIEW SAYS HE TAKES YOU
560
01:00:21,988 --> 01:00:25,658
ON A SPECTACULAR MUSICAL
JOURNEY.
APPARENTLY ALL HE NEEDS IS ONE
561
01:00:25,658 --> 01:00:32,999
WORD AND SONGS JUST FLOW OUT OF
HIM.
ONE WORD.
562
01:00:32,999 --> 01:00:51,951
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
INTERNATIONAL SINGING SENSATION,
ANGELO
563
01:00:51,951 --> 01:00:53,620
HELLO, EVERYBODY.
CAN I GET ONE WORD
GO AHEAD, GIVE HIM A WORD
564
01:00:53,620 --> 01:00:56,823
OH, OKAY.
BICYCLE!
SAY FOR ME?
565
01:00:56,823 --> 01:01:16,242
BICYCLE
SAY FOR ME?
BICYCLE
566
01:01:16,242 --> 01:01:18,378
SECOND VERSE.
* IF I LIGHT UP FOR M
THIS ONE TONIGHT *
567
01:01:18,378 --> 01:01:27,787
THANK YOU SO MUCH I
HE JUST CREATED THAT BEAUTIFUL
SONG ON THE SPOT
568
01:01:27,787 --> 01:01:30,957
I GUESS
I DIDN'T REALLY HEAR HIM SINGING
ABOUT BICYCLES, THOUGH
569
01:01:30,957 --> 01:01:35,295
SHH, HERE WE GO
CAN I GET ANOTHER WORD?
GO AHEAD, LANCE, DO IT.
570
01:01:35,295 --> 01:01:39,599
WHAT, ME AGAIN?
YES, YOU HAVE FUN
OKAY.
571
01:01:39,599 --> 01:01:45,538
BANANA
SAY FOR ME?
BANANA.
572
01:01:45,538 --> 01:01:57,017
SAY -- SAY FOR ME AGAIN
THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING.
* IF ALLOWED I SING
573
01:01:57,017 --> 01:02:06,726
LIKE THIS FOR LONG TIM
YOU SING LIKE THIS
FOR ME TONIGHT *
574
01:02:06,726 --> 01:02:16,369
THANK YOU SO MUCH
THIS IS WHAT HE ALWAYS DOES?
I KNOW, IT'S AMAZING, RIGHT
575
01:02:16,369 --> 01:02:19,105
I MEAN, I REALLY -- I CAN'T
UNDERSTAND HIM
BECAUSE HE'S NOT FROM THIS
576
01:02:19,105 --> 01:02:22,475
COUNTRY, LANCE
OKAY, WELL I'M NOT FROM THIS
COUNTRY AND YOU CAN UNDERSTAND
577
01:02:22,475 --> 01:02:28,782
ME
NO.
I DON'T.
578
01:02:28,782 --> 01:02:38,825
AND NOW I BRING DANCE FOR
THIS
OH!
579
01:02:38,825 --> 01:02:42,095
OH, MY GOD
IT'S TODD!
WHO'S TODD?
580
01:02:42,095 --> 01:02:51,705
I READ ABOUT HIM.
HE'S WHAT'S NEXT IN DANCE.
OH, OH.
581
01:02:51,705 --> 01:02:53,340
* SOMETIMES WHEN IT
ONE WORD *
YES, ONE WORD
582
01:02:53,340 --> 01:03:04,651
ME AGAIN?
ALL RIGHT.
ROAD TRIP.
583
01:03:04,651 --> 01:03:10,623
SAY FOR ME?
SAY FOR ME?
ROAD TRIP
584
01:03:10,623 --> 01:03:12,258
SAY FOR ME?
SAY FOR ME?
OH, COME ON
585
01:03:12,258 --> 01:03:26,272
ROAD TRIP!
* IF I LIGHT UP FOR M
ANOTHER TIME
586
01:03:54,401 --> 01:03:56,436
OH!
ANGELO AND TODD!
ON YOUR FIRST NIGHT.
587
01:03:56,436 --> 01:03:58,605
ALL THE STARS HAVE ALIGNED FOR
US
ARE YOU SURE?
588
01:03:58,605 --> 01:04:01,841
I MEAN, TODD -- HE SEEMS A BIT
NERVOUS.
WELL, THEY ARE TELLING THEIR
589
01:04:01,841 --> 01:04:05,578
STORY.
IT'S ABOUT COMING HERE FROM A
WAR-TORN COUNTRY
590
01:04:05,578 --> 01:04:08,281
BUT WHERE ARE YOU GETTING
THAT
WHAT COUNTRY ARE YOU TALKING
591
01:04:08,281 --> 01:04:14,287
ABOUT?
A COUNTRY THAT --
ALL RIGHT, WELL THAT'S NOT A
592
01:04:14,287 --> 01:04:18,525
REAL PLACE
OKAY, WE'VE TALKED ABOUT
THIS
593
01:04:18,525 --> 01:04:24,964
YOU NEED TO GO INTO NEW
SITUATIONS WITH AN OPEN HEART.
I'M TRYING, OKAY?
594
01:04:24,964 --> 01:04:29,269
ANOTHER WORD FOR ONE?
ONE SUGGEST
ONE SUGGEST
595
01:04:29,269 --> 01:04:31,404
YOU KNOW WHAT
FINE
TRY THIS
596
01:04:31,404 --> 01:04:35,208
MESOTHELIOMA
HUH?
MESOTHELIOMA.
597
01:04:35,208 --> 01:04:41,181
MESOTHELIOMA.
OH, WOW, THEY GOT THAT.
THAT'S QUITE IMPRESSIVE, I
598
01:04:41,181 --> 01:04:48,755
SUPPOSE.
WHY
WHY IS THAT IMPRESSIVE
599
01:04:48,755 --> 01:04:58,431
* I WANT TO KNO
WHAT LOVE IS
I WANT YOU T
600
01:04:58,431 --> 01:05:00,100
SHOW ME WHAT LOVE IS *
WOW
WOW.
601
01:05:00,100 --> 01:05:01,735
WOW.
NOW HE HAS RHYTHM.
I GET THAT
602
01:05:01,735 --> 01:05:06,039
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL
THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH
603
01:05:06,039 --> 01:05:16,850
* I WANT TO KNO
WHAT LOVE IS
I WANT YOU T
604
01:05:16,850 --> 01:05:27,694
SHOW ME *
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
THAT'S WONDERFUL
605
01:05:27,694 --> 01:05:29,329
COME ON, PEOPLE, GIVE IT UP,
GIVE IT UP
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANGELO
606
01:05:29,329 --> 01:05:31,297
GIVE IT UP
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANGELO
AND TODD
607
01:05:42,676 --> 01:05:47,480
SUCH A THINK
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH
OH
608
01:05:47,480 --> 01:06:01,327
I'LL NEVER FORGET IT
THANK YOU TO YOUNG THUG.
DANIEL CRAIG, TRAVIS BARKER, AND
609
01:06:01,327 --> 01:06:08,134
THANK YOU TO YOUNG THUG.
DANIEL CRAIG, TRAVIS BARKER, AND
ALL OF YOU
59109
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