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♪ Cinderella's
on her bedroom floor. ♪
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00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:21,284
♪ She's got a crush on the guy
at the liquor store, ♪
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00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:24,223
♪ because Mr. Charming
don't come home anymore. ♪
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00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:26,886
♪ She forgets
why she came here. ♪
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00:00:28,596 --> 00:00:30,689
♪ Sleeping Beauty's
in a foul mood. ♪
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00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:33,256
♪ For shame, she says,
"None for you, dear prince. ♪
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00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:35,825
♪ "I'm tired today. ♪
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00:00:35,870 --> 00:00:38,395
♪ "I'd rather sleep
my whole life away ♪
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00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:42,375
♪ than have you keep me
from dreaming." ♪
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00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:48,542
♪ I don't care
for your fairy tales. ♪
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00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:50,607
♪ You're so worried
about the maiden, ♪
13
00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:52,346
♪ though you know
she's only waiting ♪
14
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:55,219
♪ on the next best thing. ♪
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00:00:56,891 --> 00:01:00,088
♪ Next best thing, yeah. ♪
16
00:01:02,129 --> 00:01:04,723
♪ Snow White
is doing dishes again, ♪
17
00:01:04,765 --> 00:01:09,225
♪ because what else could you do
with seven itty-bitty men? ♪
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00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:12,034
♪ Sends them to bed
and she calls up a friend, ♪
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00:01:12,073 --> 00:01:15,042
♪ says, "Will you
meet me at midnight?" ♪
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00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:16,304
♪ Oh-oh. ♪
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00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:18,709
♪ The tall blond
lets out a cry of despair, ♪
22
00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:20,475
♪ says, "Would have
cut it myself ♪
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00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:23,176
♪ "if I knew men
could climb hair. ♪
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00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:26,015
♪ "I'll have to find
another tower somewhere ♪
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00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:29,682
♪ and keep away
from the windows." ♪
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00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:35,958
♪ I don't care
for your fairy tales. ♪
27
00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:38,191
♪ You're so worried
about the maiden, ♪
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♪ though you know
she's only waiting ♪
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♪ on the next best thing. ♪
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♪ Next best thing, yeah. ♪
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♪ Once upon a time
in a faraway kingdom, ♪
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♪ a man made up a story, ♪
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00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:55,906
♪ said that I should
believe him. ♪
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00:01:55,950 --> 00:01:57,315
♪ Go and tell
your white knight ♪
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00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:59,285
♪ that he's handsome
in hindsight, ♪
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♪ but I don't want
the next best thing, ♪
37
00:02:01,522 --> 00:02:02,989
♪ so I sing. ♪
38
00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:05,958
♪ I hold my head down, ♪
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00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:09,724
♪ and I break
these walls around me. ♪
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00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:17,101
♪ Can't take no more
of your fairy-tale love. ♪
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00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:23,008
♪ I don't care
for your fairy tales. ♪
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00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:24,977
♪ You're so worried
about the maiden, ♪
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♪ though you know
she's only waiting. ♪
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♪ Spent her whole life
being graded ♪
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00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:32,113
♪ on the sanctity of patience
and a dumb appreciation, ♪
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00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:33,814
♪ but the story
needs some mending ♪
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00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:35,822
♪ and a better happy ending, ♪
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00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:39,019
♪ because I don't want
the next best thing. ♪
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00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:44,759
♪ No, no, I don't want
the next best thing. ♪
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00:02:47,234 --> 00:02:49,566
Everything
was going great.
51
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,867
I'm in a six-year relationship.
52
00:02:51,906 --> 00:02:55,239
We've got a town house,
a cocker spaniel, a cat,
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00:02:55,276 --> 00:02:56,800
circle of friends,
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00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:59,779
favorite restaurants
within a five-mile radius,
55
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:02,543
mutual funds-
not too aggressive...
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00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:05,313
a guest room for when
we're not speaking,
57
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:08,344
CD collection, vacation videos,
engagement rings,
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00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:10,857
our whole future
completely mapped out.
59
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:13,993
And then I met her.
60
00:03:15,262 --> 00:03:17,389
I didn't have too many
personal rules.
61
00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:19,194
I try to drink
a glass of water every day
62
00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:21,997
and return my mother's
phone calls within 24 hours,
63
00:03:22,036 --> 00:03:25,062
and I didn't get involved
with involved people.
64
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:26,663
Lacie and I were friends
65
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,868
from doing stand-up comedy
at the same club.
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00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:30,740
I felt comfortable
around her.
67
00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:32,507
I could talk to her.
68
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,571
A couple times, I actually
called her for advice-
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00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:36,344
which I never
call anybody for-
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00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:38,408
about how out
I should be in my act
71
00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:40,249
and how much it might hurt me
if I were.
72
00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:43,085
She always said
the same thing to me:
73
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:44,522
"Just be real."
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00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,185
That was her bottom line.
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00:03:47,494 --> 00:03:49,485
One night after a show,
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00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:53,193
this director approaches us
about a play he's casting,
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00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:54,360
wants to know
if we'd be in it.
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00:03:54,401 --> 00:04:00,067
Oh, you two would be
perfect as lovers.
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00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:02,473
Listen to me.
80
00:04:02,509 --> 00:04:04,306
I needed
to have some fun.
81
00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:06,404
That's why I agreed
to do the show.
82
00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:08,574
I've been waiting
on rude customers
83
00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:10,481
in an overcrowded deli
by day,
84
00:04:10,517 --> 00:04:12,917
and then driving by the house
of the last woman I'd slept with
85
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:15,046
to see if her car
was in the driveway.
86
00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:18,547
It was long hours with
the food service and the stalking.
87
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:21,152
I didn't even expect to get
the script, to be honest.
88
00:04:21,195 --> 00:04:23,527
I mean, in my hometown,
Los Angeles,
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00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:26,658
people are always telling you
they want you for something.
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00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:28,395
They cannot live without you
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00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:31,734
and then never
talking to you again.
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00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:34,206
The play was
about a lesbian artist
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00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:36,232
who cheats on her girlfriend
with a man-
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00:04:36,277 --> 00:04:40,043
sort of science fiction.
95
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,547
Anyway, I wanted to do it.
96
00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:45,018
Yeah, I was intrigued by
the sexiness and danger of it.
97
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:47,782
Having only ever been
with one woman besides Audrey,
98
00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:51,279
it seemed like a good way
for me to explore a little
99
00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:54,783
without cheating,
which I would never do.
100
00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:56,762
No, if I'm going
to be with someone,
101
00:04:56,797 --> 00:05:00,494
I'm going to be with them
forever, no matter what.
102
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:02,297
That's just how I am,
103
00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:05,237
maybe because I come
from an unbroken home.
104
00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:08,264
I saw people making each other
miserable on a daily basis,
105
00:05:08,309 --> 00:05:11,278
but I never saw
anybody leave.
106
00:05:11,312 --> 00:05:15,214
And Audrey is there for me.
107
00:05:15,249 --> 00:05:18,548
I know she's going to be there
at the end of the day,
108
00:05:18,585 --> 00:05:21,053
at the end of everything.
109
00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:24,057
She's picking out songs
for our ceremony,
110
00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:27,356
interviewing potential
sperm donors,
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00:05:27,394 --> 00:05:32,764
completing the picture of home and family
we both believe in and agreed to.
112
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:36,497
I was excited about the challenge
of making the love seem real.
113
00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:39,028
That's one of the things
I love about acting.
114
00:05:39,073 --> 00:05:41,337
You get to create
a life from scratch,
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00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:45,004
and in this life, you get to experience
everything from love to hate,
116
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:49,778
free of obligation,
free of consequence.
117
00:05:49,817 --> 00:05:52,752
I thought I could handle
a made-up relationship.
118
00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:55,050
I wasn't too great
at handling real ones,
119
00:05:55,089 --> 00:05:57,489
and not just because my mother
left when I was three,
120
00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:59,788
but because if I'm going
to be in a relationship,
121
00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:01,761
I got to feel good
more than I feel bad,
122
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:04,320
and that just hadn't
turned out to be the case.
123
00:06:04,365 --> 00:06:07,596
Granted, I'd only been
in two long-term relationships,
124
00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:09,966
one with a man
when I was 18...
125
00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:13,370
my 32-year-old neighbor,
Rick, from across the hall.
126
00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:15,602
Well, moving was a breeze.
127
00:06:15,642 --> 00:06:18,475
The other with a woman named Cass.
128
00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:21,743
I really thought I could make
that one work out.
129
00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:26,979
Audrey wasn't real happy
about me doing the play.
130
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:29,716
She was worried
about the time commitment,
131
00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:31,224
worried about
our relationship.
132
00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:34,318
She was worried about
the passionate kissing scene
133
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:37,262
between me and Lacie
on page five.
134
00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:39,162
She made up
a whole rule about it.
135
00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:41,930
No tongues,
no noises.
136
00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:47,805
Which, all I could
think of was,
137
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:50,503
"Cool title for an indie film."
138
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:55,312
"Honey," I told her,
"There's nothing to worry about.
139
00:06:55,349 --> 00:06:58,113
"ln six years, I've never
felt anything for anyone else.
140
00:06:58,152 --> 00:07:00,279
I'm not going
to feel anything now."
141
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:03,312
Well, Lacie seemed
safe to me.
142
00:07:03,357 --> 00:07:06,155
She's very back east,
no bullshit.
143
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:09,162
Whatever she says
is exactly what she means.
144
00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:11,697
Have you read
this play?
145
00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:13,063
I don't think
I can do this.
146
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,533
I'm not doing this play
unless you do.
147
00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:15,568
I don't know.
148
00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:16,763
I've been busting my ass
149
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:18,169
trying to make it
in Hollywood for ten years.
150
00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:19,399
So?
151
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,067
So this play's not going
to get me a sitcom,
152
00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,702
and I don't know how much longer
I can maintain a sense of humor.
153
00:07:28,449 --> 00:07:29,780
Right off the bat,
154
00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:33,446
rehearsals for the play
are extremely intimate.
155
00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:35,921
For every ten minutes we spend
looking over the script,
156
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:41,258
we spend several hours getting our psyches
probed by Gabriel, the director.
157
00:07:41,295 --> 00:07:43,889
It is necessary for you
to get to know each other
158
00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:49,369
so you can be convincing
as lovers.
159
00:07:49,403 --> 00:07:51,871
I think this guy's
a real meticulous director.
160
00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:53,463
Dominic?
161
00:07:53,507 --> 00:07:55,236
Unless he's just a nosy queen.
162
00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:58,244
Let go.
Let go.
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00:07:58,278 --> 00:08:02,442
Regardless, this is
my definition of hell.
164
00:08:02,483 --> 00:08:05,509
All right,
how's your sex life?
165
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:08,850
How-like,
how's my sex life?
166
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:12,791
Um, how's-are you talking
about me or the character?
167
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:13,850
You.
168
00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:15,088
You, you, you.
169
00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:18,188
Oh, um, what-
170
00:08:18,232 --> 00:08:19,232
fine.
171
00:08:19,233 --> 00:08:20,233
Normal.
172
00:08:20,234 --> 00:08:21,462
How's Audrey?
173
00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:22,935
My Audrey?
174
00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:24,665
No, your Aunt Tillie's
Audrey.
175
00:08:24,705 --> 00:08:26,263
Yes, yes,
your Audrey.
176
00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:27,534
How many Audreys
do you know?
177
00:08:27,574 --> 00:08:28,939
No, I don't know
178
00:08:28,976 --> 00:08:30,534
any other Audreys.
179
00:08:30,577 --> 00:08:32,135
I-I-she's fine.
180
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,179
I mean,I don't know.
181
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,807
Why wouldn'tshe be?
182
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,110
I mean, we're working on it.
183
00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:39,485
What-
what do you want?
184
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,614
What do-
what do I want?
185
00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,521
Me or the character?
186
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:46,617
Vous, vous.
187
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:47,660
Naturellement, vous.
188
00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:50,356
All right, look,
189
00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:53,059
it is necessary for you
to get to know each other
190
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:57,434
so you can be convincing
as lovers.
191
00:08:57,471 --> 00:08:59,905
Lacie, what's going on with you?
192
00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:05,942
Well, I was bisexual then,
but we were sitting at the bar,
193
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:07,947
and she shoved her knee
into my crotch.
194
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:12,350
Lacie has no problem
spilling her guts to Gabriel.
195
00:09:12,386 --> 00:09:13,751
No matter what he asks,
196
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:16,722
every shocking detail just comes
streaming out of her fearlessly.
197
00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,156
Plus, I was doing
cocaine then.
198
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:20,716
And I liked giving head
to guys, actually,
199
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:24,094
but eventually I realized
I just liked women more.
200
00:09:24,131 --> 00:09:25,131
So I tried to get him
201
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:26,622
to tie me up.
202
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,259
Then I was playingdarts with her,
203
00:09:28,302 --> 00:09:31,271
and I said, "If I win,
will you come home with me?"
204
00:09:31,305 --> 00:09:33,500
Anyway, people
see me as tough.
205
00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:35,508
Besides, I had
had a lot to drink,
206
00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:38,534
and it was really late
to be naked on the balcony
207
00:09:38,579 --> 00:09:40,308
with so much tongue,
208
00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,212
but not before a cigarette
209
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:45,741
or her fingers
in just the right place.
210
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:50,052
Because we met at a bar,
we were just so turned on.
211
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:57,429
Well, that's how I hear it.
212
00:09:57,464 --> 00:09:59,989
I think I have
more information than I need.
213
00:10:01,668 --> 00:10:03,033
Ah, Dominic.
214
00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:06,171
Prepare a sponge bath.
215
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:10,370
Who are you?
216
00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:13,868
Questions in therapy are hard.
217
00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:15,506
Well, I don't know;
I don't know.
218
00:10:15,549 --> 00:10:16,549
I'm hungry.
219
00:10:16,550 --> 00:10:17,812
I'm busy.
220
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:18,977
I'm committed.
221
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:20,043
I should be committed.
222
00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:21,554
I'm claustrophobic.
223
00:10:21,588 --> 00:10:24,523
Look, I don't-can we just blame
this on my mother and move on?
224
00:10:24,558 --> 00:10:26,150
God, I hate therapy.
225
00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:27,922
I hate therapy
so fucking much.
226
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,657
I just keep throwing out
answers at her,
227
00:10:30,697 --> 00:10:32,062
hoping to be right,
228
00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:34,863
hoping to fill up 50 minutes
without leaping out of my chair
229
00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:37,893
and smothering her
cynical, condescending face
230
00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:39,599
with a needlepoint pillow.
231
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:44,341
I have anger issues.
232
00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:52,283
Audrey and I have been seeing Katherine
for five years at this point,
233
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:54,514
sometimes alone,
sometimes together,
234
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:56,283
to work out the kinks.
235
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:58,791
We're very different people...
236
00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:01,020
philosophically...
237
00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:04,121
spiritually...
238
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,791
socially.
239
00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:07,800
We want different things.
240
00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:10,132
She wants to take trips,
see the world.
241
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:14,504
I want to stay home and focus on the dreams
I've had since long before I met her.
242
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:18,477
We tried to break up once
after 2 1 /2 years.
243
00:11:19,713 --> 00:11:21,943
We'd had another
huge argument,
244
00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:25,850
lying on the bed,
crying and exhausted.
245
00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:28,582
And we both just looked
at each other
246
00:11:28,622 --> 00:11:31,921
as if to say, "Enough."
247
00:11:31,958 --> 00:11:34,188
We'd both
hurt each other enough.
248
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:36,593
It was time to let go.
249
00:11:36,630 --> 00:11:40,396
It was like these heavy chains
fell off of us.
250
00:11:40,434 --> 00:11:44,302
There was this sense
of independence and peace.
251
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:46,498
It felt so good.
252
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:53,809
We decided
to move in together.
253
00:12:02,456 --> 00:12:04,651
With Audrey,
I have security.
254
00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:07,717
I have pizza night
and joint tenancy
255
00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:11,219
and bulk toilet paper
jammed into the cupboards.
256
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:16,395
And I could sleep at night
knowing we're going to be here for a while.
257
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:22,531
Can I get a martini for-
258
00:12:22,576 --> 00:12:23,941
I'm sorry;
tell me again.
259
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,001
Laurie, right?
260
00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:26,045
Lauren.
261
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,047
I told you, like, five times.
262
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,378
God.
263
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:32,078
So you own
the garbage disposal business?
264
00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:33,450
Yes, I do.
265
00:12:33,487 --> 00:12:34,954
I own it.
266
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:39,948
This girl is pretty
in a sad, drunk kind of a way.
267
00:12:39,993 --> 00:12:41,358
I love people with plights.
268
00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:43,589
I feel like bar people
are my people-
269
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,796
Maybe because
my mother's side of the family
270
00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:48,960
hits the bottle good and hard.
271
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,560
I'm happiest at the bar.
272
00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:53,573
It's dark;
it's easy to dream.
273
00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:55,074
And after a couple of beers,
274
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,735
I'm the person
I've always wanted to be.
275
00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:58,244
Oh, this stinks-
276
00:12:58,278 --> 00:12:59,677
I live right around
the corner.
277
00:12:59,713 --> 00:13:00,975
No.
278
00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:03,505
Do you want
to come to my place?
279
00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:04,550
Okay, yeah-
280
00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:12,352
I love going to bars
and leaving with strange women,
281
00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:15,225
because I don't have to pretend
to be somebody I'm not
282
00:13:15,262 --> 00:13:17,822
or live up to someone's
expectations of me,
283
00:13:17,864 --> 00:13:22,358
and anybody can be
interesting for one night.
284
00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:26,263
So what if they
don't like you.
285
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:27,306
Fuck 'em!
286
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:29,070
Robin makes me laugh.
287
00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:30,440
Fuck Hollywood.
288
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:32,843
I'm morosely introspective.
289
00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:35,006
She rejects self-examination.
290
00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:40,517
My therapist says anger
is really veiled sadness.
291
00:13:40,554 --> 00:13:41,554
Fuck her.
292
00:13:41,555 --> 00:13:42,749
Like she could give
293
00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:45,656
a shit about anyone's opinion
but her own.
294
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:47,819
I'm sure people do
have judgments about me.
295
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,419
I just don't happen
to care what they are.
296
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:50,759
See, I want
to know every judgment
297
00:13:50,797 --> 00:13:53,630
anyone ever had about me
so I can rectify my flaws.
298
00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:56,329
Why, when it's so much easier
to be oblivious?
299
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:57,927
Yeah, but then
how do you grow?
300
00:13:57,971 --> 00:13:59,438
How do you learn
about yourself?
301
00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:01,167
Oh, I'm sick
of learning about myself.
302
00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:03,108
I mean, you know, I want
to evolve and everything.
303
00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:04,143
I do.
304
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:07,476
I mean, I really do,
but how evolved do you have to be?
305
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,414
100°/°.
306
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,417
100°/°?
307
00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:12,850
Yeah, I mean,
I don't know.
308
00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:14,080
Maybe this is hard
to believe,
309
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:17,146
but I try to be the best
possible person I can be,
310
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,055
like Gandhi
or like Jesus Christ.
311
00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:21,583
Jesus Christ?
312
00:14:21,628 --> 00:14:24,324
Wait, why would you want
to be like Jesus Christ?
313
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:26,355
Why would you not want
to be like Jesus Christ?
314
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:28,560
He was one of the greatest men
who ever lived.
315
00:14:28,602 --> 00:14:30,866
Because I know
how it turns out.
316
00:14:32,606 --> 00:14:33,606
She laughs at me.
317
00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:37,876
She blatantly
laughs at me,
318
00:14:37,911 --> 00:14:41,369
but she makes me feel just
frigging terrific about myself.
319
00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:42,676
Relationships.
320
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:47,348
A personal observation I've made
is that once I've begun
321
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:49,412
to schedule lovemaking
into the appointment book,
322
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:54,519
the "relationship" is on its way
to the good-bye-and-good-luck phase.
323
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,552
If I can't be late
to a lunch meeting
324
00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:59,224
because I just couldn't keep
my hands off her,
325
00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:00,824
if it's irking me
326
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:03,425
that she's touching me while
I'm doing my crossword puzzle,
327
00:15:03,470 --> 00:15:04,801
and if she's reporting to me
328
00:15:04,838 --> 00:15:06,601
how many days it's been
since we've made love,
329
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:10,201
and I'm arguing back that we might not
have fully made love on Tuesday,
330
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,871
but didn't I kiss you
while I gave you a back rub?
331
00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,813
Shit is on the outs.
332
00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:18,014
For my lover Cass and me,
333
00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:20,679
these things occurred
at almost exactly the same time
334
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:23,712
as I became totally incapable
of hearing her.
335
00:15:23,757 --> 00:15:28,194
I listened to her right up until
the moment she opened her mouth.
336
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:30,355
Did I tell you
about this ridiculous audition
337
00:15:30,397 --> 00:15:31,830
I had in New York this one time?
338
00:15:31,865 --> 00:15:32,865
I'm getting my hair-
339
00:15:32,899 --> 00:15:34,389
And then the sound of her voice
340
00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:36,163
would cause me
to go completely deaf,
341
00:15:36,202 --> 00:15:38,227
and I'd watch a silent movie
342
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,831
in which the only character
on the screen was my girlfriend,
343
00:15:40,874 --> 00:15:43,069
but all I could hear
were my own thoughts
344
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:46,306
as I stared at this mouth
opening and closing.
345
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:48,314
I wonder if I can get to the gym in time
346
00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:52,341
to get in a 20-minute aerobic workout
before I have to go to work.
347
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:55,821
I'd check back in to see
if anything important was getting said.
348
00:15:56,890 --> 00:15:58,983
I said I want chocolate, not vanilla.
349
00:15:59,025 --> 00:16:00,025
Go downstairs-
350
00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:03,158
I go right back to where I came from.
351
00:16:06,032 --> 00:16:08,091
I'm not proud
of this behavior, but-
352
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,398
and my therapist would
congratulate me on this-
353
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:15,340
I'm aware of it, and that's
the first step toward healing.
354
00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:18,311
One time during this phase,
355
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:22,372
Cass and I decided to take
a weekend away in the mountains.
356
00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:26,283
We said to each other we would
fish from a rowboat on the lake.
357
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:29,117
We smiled as we planned
how we would hike.
358
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:31,180
We schemed
about what we would cook.
359
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,722
But we each knew
what we were really up to
360
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:39,596
was attempting to resuscitate our
extremely weakened sexual relationship.
361
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:43,898
The time of the mountain getaway
had been about six months
362
00:16:43,937 --> 00:16:48,533
since we'd had exciting,
free-spirited sex
363
00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:52,671
and 22 days since
we'd had any sex at all.
364
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:56,944
I knew this because she'd remind me-
365
00:16:56,983 --> 00:17:01,044
sometimes with words,
sometimes with facial expressions.
366
00:17:01,087 --> 00:17:03,317
Pouting had become
a way of life for her face.
367
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:06,416
Sometimes I'd come home
and she'd be naked,
368
00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:08,723
waiting for me on a picnic blanket,
369
00:17:08,762 --> 00:17:12,289
having created a park
in the middle of our living room,
370
00:17:12,332 --> 00:17:16,462
there on the very L.A. off-white carpeting
with the big, brown stains.
371
00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:19,572
She'd put it to me blunt.
372
00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:22,507
Aren't you attracted to me?
373
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:28,310
And I'd stare at her,
haunted, frozen.
374
00:17:29,783 --> 00:17:31,512
I used to be.
375
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:35,112
Honey, I'm just so tired tonight.
376
00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:40,758
♪ Mmm, it's been so long. ♪
377
00:17:40,794 --> 00:17:43,126
♪ Where are you? ♪
378
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:45,393
♪ Where am I? ♪
379
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:47,992
♪ Where did we go? ♪
380
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:53,366
When we first started going out,
it had been very sensual and sexual.
381
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,601
We'd do weird stuff.
382
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:59,772
One time,
she actually pissed on me,
383
00:17:59,813 --> 00:18:03,510
which most people find revolting,
but which I'm proud of.
384
00:18:03,550 --> 00:18:06,018
It wasn't much,
maybe an 1 /8 of a cup or so.
385
00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:08,978
I don't want to die
without having done
386
00:18:09,022 --> 00:18:10,922
every bizarre thing
available to be done
387
00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:12,822
which doesn't break
any of my personal rules.
388
00:18:12,859 --> 00:18:15,953
Urinary contact doesn't offend me
ethically or spiritually.
389
00:18:15,995 --> 00:18:18,930
It's simply somewhat disgusting,
so it had to be done.
390
00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:23,060
So anyway, we're on
our way to the mountains,
391
00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:25,537
and I'm behind the wheel
of my Toyota 4Runner
392
00:18:25,572 --> 00:18:27,665
with her in the passenger seat
next to me,
393
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:31,199
and we've put several
coastal cities between ourselves
394
00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:34,839
and nearly a month of strained
celibacy back in North Hollywood,
395
00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:39,375
and yet you can cut the discomfort
on the ride up to the cabin with a knife.
396
00:18:39,419 --> 00:18:40,886
It's my fault, see?
397
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:41,920
It's not her.
398
00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:42,921
It's me.
399
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:45,288
I'm never in the mood anymore.
400
00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:46,519
It's me.
It's mine.
401
00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:49,858
It's all on me,
my own failing, my bad.
402
00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:51,329
She is blameless,
and I am wrong.
403
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:53,525
Let's all dance around
with daisies in our hair.
404
00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:58,570
She's touching me in the car.
405
00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:04,168
She's doggedly running her
fingers along my neck, my thigh.
406
00:19:04,210 --> 00:19:07,646
Her touch is speaking
to me perfectly clearly.
407
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,342
It's the first time
I've heard her in months.
408
00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:12,351
"Don't fail me now.
409
00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:13,409
"Get it together.
410
00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:14,681
Perform."
411
00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:19,124
And I am having my very own
private panicking festival.
412
00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:21,855
I'm going to have to touch her.
413
00:19:21,895 --> 00:19:24,659
I'm going to have to taste her.
414
00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:28,098
I'm going to be alone for two days
in a cabin with my lover,
415
00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:30,102
and I just want to turn the car around
416
00:19:30,136 --> 00:19:34,800
and go back to North Hollywood
and watch a sitcom
417
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:38,800
and not have to be
an adult or a woman
418
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:41,245
or most especially a lover.
419
00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:43,613
That is what I want least.
420
00:19:47,086 --> 00:19:50,214
We arrive at the cabin right at dusk.
421
00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:59,198
A bare little porch bulb invites us
into our moon-flecked love nest.
422
00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:08,704
We open the door.
423
00:20:09,742 --> 00:20:11,232
It's cozy.
424
00:20:11,277 --> 00:20:13,142
It's rustic.
425
00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:15,147
It has a bed.
426
00:20:15,181 --> 00:20:17,672
Shit.
427
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,709
She goes to sit on the bed
and I think, "Oh, no.
428
00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:22,880
Oh, God, she's going
to want it now."
429
00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:25,447
See, and we've had
the conversations.
430
00:20:25,491 --> 00:20:27,083
We know that I'm not into it,
431
00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:29,686
and she's already accused me
of being too neurotic
432
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:33,256
with intimacy issues be able
to have a sexual relationship.
433
00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:36,862
Here's the thing:
434
00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:38,632
what if she's right?
435
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:41,606
What if I'm really just a frigid bitch?
436
00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:45,010
If there were just
some alcohol around-
437
00:20:46,045 --> 00:20:47,205
I could get it
all happening.
438
00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:50,945
But there's no alcohol.
439
00:20:50,984 --> 00:20:53,919
There's only an emotional relationship
440
00:20:53,953 --> 00:20:59,220
slathered with the strain
of 22 days of failure
441
00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:04,128
and a bed,
a big oak bed.
442
00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:06,563
The big oak bed
is voicing itself to me, saying,
443
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:09,534
"I am here at this
romantic resort in the woods
444
00:21:09,569 --> 00:21:12,470
"expressly for the purpose
of being made love in.
445
00:21:12,505 --> 00:21:16,066
"Only somebody
utterly screwed up in her head
446
00:21:16,109 --> 00:21:19,772
"would not want to embrace
her lover and tumble onto me
447
00:21:19,812 --> 00:21:23,213
and my back-to-nature patchwork
quilt cover immediately."
448
00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:30,048
Now the sky breaks wide
and gives us a rain worth dying for.
449
00:21:31,824 --> 00:21:34,918
It's the rain
which defines romance
450
00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:37,293
with the thunder
laughing at me.
451
00:21:42,702 --> 00:21:45,694
Cass comes and puts
her arms around me.
452
00:21:47,073 --> 00:21:48,563
She's got me now.
453
00:21:49,409 --> 00:21:50,899
She looks into my eyes
454
00:21:50,943 --> 00:21:55,403
and lightning flashes with
insane sensuality through the window.
455
00:21:56,582 --> 00:21:59,949
At this moment,
I realize
456
00:21:59,986 --> 00:22:02,750
Mother Nature
is on Cass' side.
457
00:22:02,789 --> 00:22:05,553
And it's as if she's grounding me,
458
00:22:05,591 --> 00:22:07,684
sending me to my room
with a firm voice,
459
00:22:07,727 --> 00:22:12,460
"Get in there and don't come out
until you've done right
460
00:22:12,498 --> 00:22:15,695
by your poor,
underappreciated girlfriend."
461
00:22:17,103 --> 00:22:19,401
She's looking into my eyes.
462
00:22:19,439 --> 00:22:21,532
She's got her arms around me.
463
00:22:21,574 --> 00:22:23,940
Oh, my God,
she's going to kiss.
464
00:22:25,078 --> 00:22:27,569
She gives me a warning hug.
465
00:22:27,613 --> 00:22:30,309
The hug foretells of things
she knows will come
466
00:22:30,350 --> 00:22:32,841
whether I like it or not.
467
00:22:32,885 --> 00:22:34,409
I'm going to go
take a shower.
468
00:22:38,057 --> 00:22:40,287
She undresses and steps
into the bathroom,
469
00:22:40,326 --> 00:22:41,816
and I am left to regroup.
470
00:22:43,262 --> 00:22:48,256
As she's showering, my options,
as I see them, are these:
471
00:22:48,301 --> 00:22:53,068
1 : Tell her I don't want to
472
00:22:53,106 --> 00:22:56,337
and spend 48 of the most
miserable hours of my life
473
00:22:56,376 --> 00:23:00,335
in a wooden structure with a woman
who could easily access matches.
474
00:23:00,380 --> 00:23:01,779
Or 2:
475
00:23:02,982 --> 00:23:04,176
Go for it.
476
00:23:04,217 --> 00:23:06,344
Go for it large.
477
00:23:06,386 --> 00:23:07,717
Take the bull by the horns
478
00:23:07,754 --> 00:23:10,222
and take her with a passion
and a courage so forceful
479
00:23:10,256 --> 00:23:13,350
I surprise even myself.
480
00:23:13,393 --> 00:23:15,759
ln the middle will not work,
481
00:23:15,795 --> 00:23:20,129
you see, because
it would be too vulnerable.
482
00:23:21,401 --> 00:23:24,097
It would be Lacie
being intimate with Cass.
483
00:23:25,671 --> 00:23:27,696
No.
484
00:23:27,740 --> 00:23:34,339
Nope, it must be grand,
broad, the work of a Leo.
485
00:23:38,851 --> 00:23:40,842
She's stepping out
of the shower,
486
00:23:42,155 --> 00:23:43,747
and now,
as rules would have it,
487
00:23:43,790 --> 00:23:46,486
it's my turn to shower,
only I don't.
488
00:23:46,526 --> 00:23:47,686
I grab her.
489
00:23:52,265 --> 00:23:55,359
She looks at me
more than a little surprised,
490
00:23:55,401 --> 00:24:00,338
which shakes me up,
but I recover
491
00:24:00,373 --> 00:24:04,002
and lead her to the bed.
492
00:24:04,043 --> 00:24:07,069
It occurs to me that she's never
particularly liked sex
493
00:24:07,113 --> 00:24:09,513
when her hair is wet,
494
00:24:09,816 --> 00:24:12,478
but I breathe deep
and open the towel.
495
00:24:44,550 --> 00:24:46,040
I know this body.
496
00:24:47,653 --> 00:24:49,678
I know all about this body.
497
00:24:51,657 --> 00:24:54,353
I roar, inside.
498
00:24:56,095 --> 00:25:01,158
As I take control, I can feel
myself gaining in confidence.
499
00:25:02,668 --> 00:25:04,192
I'm back three months ago
500
00:25:04,237 --> 00:25:08,970
before she started becoming
dissatisfied and unhappy all the time,
501
00:25:09,008 --> 00:25:12,671
before she started
wanting me to be someone else,
502
00:25:12,712 --> 00:25:15,977
before all the baggage
was all over the goddamn place.
503
00:25:20,253 --> 00:25:26,988
♪ I could bring it all to you, ♪
504
00:25:27,026 --> 00:25:34,728
♪ the night that never ends. ♪
505
00:25:34,767 --> 00:25:41,935
♪ Leave you breathless
when I'm through, ♪
506
00:25:41,974 --> 00:25:49,278
♪ never to need love again. ♪
507
00:25:49,315 --> 00:25:51,078
♪ Touch me. ♪
508
00:25:51,117 --> 00:25:52,846
♪ Touch me. ♪
509
00:25:52,885 --> 00:25:56,753
♪ Hold me tonight, ♪
510
00:25:56,789 --> 00:26:03,718
♪ softly, while our fear
fades to white. ♪
511
00:26:03,763 --> 00:26:07,699
♪ And whisper love,
whisper love, ♪
512
00:26:07,733 --> 00:26:11,829
♪ whisper love, ♪
513
00:26:11,871 --> 00:26:17,104
♪ tonight. ♪
514
00:26:18,110 --> 00:26:20,704
And I make love to her,
515
00:26:20,746 --> 00:26:24,773
and as I do,
I can hear her voice.
516
00:26:25,785 --> 00:26:28,117
I can hear so many voices.
517
00:26:28,154 --> 00:26:31,123
Her familiar moans
are saying, "See?
518
00:26:31,157 --> 00:26:33,887
This isn't so bad, is it?"
519
00:26:33,926 --> 00:26:36,087
And now the bed board pipes in,
520
00:26:36,128 --> 00:26:39,256
drumming its approval with
a rhythmic song, "You've got it.
521
00:26:39,298 --> 00:26:41,459
You've got it.
You've got it."
522
00:26:41,500 --> 00:26:46,335
And I can hear Mother Nature raining
her tears of joy for us and for me.
523
00:26:46,372 --> 00:26:49,034
And the moon's light
is saying thank you to me.
524
00:26:49,075 --> 00:26:52,738
And the stars are applauding,
crickets are celebrating.
525
00:26:52,778 --> 00:26:54,507
They're all talking.
526
00:26:54,547 --> 00:26:57,516
And it's loud, and it's loud,
and I'm there, and I'm there.
527
00:26:58,084 --> 00:27:00,245
And then I hear-
528
00:27:04,256 --> 00:27:05,587
"It's over."
529
00:27:07,727 --> 00:27:09,661
What's this?
530
00:27:09,695 --> 00:27:11,754
This voice is unrecognizable to me.
531
00:27:14,300 --> 00:27:16,996
"It's over," I hear again.
532
00:27:18,971 --> 00:27:22,031
The voice is calm.
533
00:27:23,542 --> 00:27:25,476
It's clear.
534
00:27:29,482 --> 00:27:33,816
I've heard this voice before,
but it's been so long.
535
00:27:38,057 --> 00:27:39,547
It's my own voice.
536
00:27:41,761 --> 00:27:43,126
And it is over.
537
00:27:45,431 --> 00:27:49,993
And I listen,
and I converse with her,
538
00:27:50,036 --> 00:27:51,469
and I let her hear me.
539
00:27:53,139 --> 00:27:57,701
I let her hear my voice,
540
00:27:57,743 --> 00:27:59,176
and it is over.
541
00:28:03,549 --> 00:28:06,382
We drive home in silence,
542
00:28:06,419 --> 00:28:09,081
her in her world,
me in mine.
543
00:28:12,825 --> 00:28:19,253
And that is when I figured out
I'm just not cut out for relationships.
544
00:28:22,401 --> 00:28:24,562
Maybe you just weren't
right together.
545
00:28:26,672 --> 00:28:30,005
Being that I'm either
at work or rehearsals,
546
00:28:30,042 --> 00:28:33,068
communication on the home front
starts to break down.
547
00:28:33,112 --> 00:28:36,479
ln fact, it breaks down
to its most primitive form,
548
00:28:36,515 --> 00:28:37,846
the post-it note.
549
00:28:37,883 --> 00:28:42,650
"Honey, can you please clean your hair
out of the shower drain?"
550
00:28:42,688 --> 00:28:47,352
"Honey, if you're going to be late,
can you at least call?"
551
00:28:47,393 --> 00:28:50,988
"Honey, I think
we need more therapy."
552
00:28:51,030 --> 00:28:53,294
"Honey, tomorrow at work,
553
00:28:53,332 --> 00:28:56,529
can you please steal
more post-it notes?"
554
00:28:58,804 --> 00:29:01,329
One day, I come home
to find one such note
555
00:29:01,373 --> 00:29:06,242
stuck to the answering machine
that says simply, "Listen."
556
00:29:08,647 --> 00:29:12,105
It's a message from Gabriel,
calling to see how I'd feel
557
00:29:12,151 --> 00:29:13,914
about posing for publicity shots-
558
00:29:15,054 --> 00:29:18,820
With Lacie
in a topless embrace.
559
00:29:18,858 --> 00:29:19,858
Oh, God.
560
00:29:20,926 --> 00:29:22,655
Holy shit.
561
00:29:22,695 --> 00:29:24,560
Audrey has already heard this,
562
00:29:24,597 --> 00:29:30,331
and she has been acting a little unstable
for the past 5 years, 1 1 months.
563
00:29:30,369 --> 00:29:32,030
She's out buying
bullets and guns.
564
00:29:36,108 --> 00:29:37,108
What did he say?
565
00:29:37,143 --> 00:29:38,143
What did he say?
566
00:29:38,177 --> 00:29:40,702
Embrace, naked embrace?
567
00:29:40,746 --> 00:29:42,941
Me and Lacie
in a naked embrace?
568
00:29:46,685 --> 00:29:47,777
Oh, no, no, no, no.
569
00:29:47,820 --> 00:29:49,014
Topless.
570
00:29:49,054 --> 00:29:50,453
Only topless.
571
00:29:51,457 --> 00:29:53,618
Totally topless!
572
00:29:53,659 --> 00:29:55,786
Oh, this is bad.
573
00:29:55,828 --> 00:29:57,819
This is very, very bad.
574
00:29:57,863 --> 00:30:00,627
This is really
pushing my luck with Audrey.
575
00:30:00,666 --> 00:30:02,531
This is really going
to get me killed.
576
00:30:02,568 --> 00:30:07,301
This is really, really
starting to turn me on.
577
00:30:10,009 --> 00:30:12,477
I hear the garage door open.
578
00:30:12,511 --> 00:30:13,569
I sit on the couch.
579
00:30:13,612 --> 00:30:16,137
I get back up.
580
00:30:16,182 --> 00:30:17,274
I sit on the couch.
581
00:30:18,250 --> 00:30:19,615
Dishes.
I'll do dishes.
582
00:30:21,654 --> 00:30:24,623
She enters the house
and stands in the doorway.
583
00:30:26,125 --> 00:30:27,353
Maybe she's staying.
584
00:30:28,327 --> 00:30:29,419
Maybe she's leaving.
585
00:30:30,830 --> 00:30:32,798
It all depends
on what I say next.
586
00:30:32,832 --> 00:30:34,959
Hi, honey.
587
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:36,126
Are you armed
to the teeth?
588
00:30:39,138 --> 00:30:41,265
Did you hear
the message?
589
00:30:41,307 --> 00:30:42,433
Uh, yeah.
590
00:30:42,474 --> 00:30:45,136
Well, that guy's
got a lot of nerve.
591
00:30:45,177 --> 00:30:47,008
I guess.
592
00:30:47,046 --> 00:30:49,276
You're not doing it.
593
00:30:52,785 --> 00:30:55,720
This is a very defining moment for me.
594
00:30:55,754 --> 00:30:58,052
I'm flashing on a scene
from my childhood,
595
00:30:58,090 --> 00:31:00,820
my mother yelling at my father:
596
00:31:00,860 --> 00:31:04,762
Don't clean the pool
in your dress shoes!
597
00:31:04,797 --> 00:31:08,733
My father cleaning the pool
in his dress shoes,
598
00:31:08,767 --> 00:31:14,205
not to spite her,
but because they're his shoes.
599
00:31:18,010 --> 00:31:19,637
The day of the photo shoot,
600
00:31:19,678 --> 00:31:24,172
I shower twice and shave my armpits
in a back-and-forth, crisscross fashion.
601
00:31:25,818 --> 00:31:28,309
I really wish Audrey
wouldn't stand in the doorway
602
00:31:28,354 --> 00:31:30,652
of every room I'm in
with her arms crossed.
603
00:31:32,625 --> 00:31:36,652
I kiss her good-bye,
which she does not unfold her arms for,
604
00:31:36,695 --> 00:31:39,892
but follows me
with her eyes,
605
00:31:39,932 --> 00:31:43,561
her glare burning
hot guilt into my back.
606
00:31:44,670 --> 00:31:46,467
By the time I get
to the photo studio,
607
00:31:46,505 --> 00:31:48,439
I feel like a virgin porn star
608
00:31:48,474 --> 00:31:50,806
about to walk onto the set
for the first time.
609
00:31:50,843 --> 00:31:52,811
And there's
all these people there-
610
00:31:52,845 --> 00:31:55,006
Gabriel,
his little assistant,
611
00:31:55,047 --> 00:31:57,709
the photographer,
the makeup guy.
612
00:31:57,750 --> 00:32:02,847
But for some reason,
I don't see anyone but her.
613
00:32:04,890 --> 00:32:06,084
How you
holding up?
614
00:32:08,227 --> 00:32:11,754
Sipping her cup of coffee
like it's routine,
615
00:32:11,797 --> 00:32:14,391
so calm, so together.
616
00:32:14,433 --> 00:32:19,336
The photographer sets the lights
and drops two pillows on the floor.
617
00:32:19,371 --> 00:32:21,999
Make-out music
is playing on the stereo.
618
00:32:22,041 --> 00:32:23,041
Okay, girls.
619
00:32:23,075 --> 00:32:24,736
Kneel down
on the pillows.
620
00:32:24,777 --> 00:32:26,745
Face each other,
621
00:32:26,779 --> 00:32:28,713
and take off
your shirts.
622
00:32:29,782 --> 00:32:31,875
Wait, wait.
623
00:32:31,917 --> 00:32:37,014
I am entirely too prudish and sober
to be thinking about doing this.
624
00:32:37,056 --> 00:32:39,024
I mean, even at the gym,
625
00:32:39,058 --> 00:32:42,926
I get dressed with my upper torso
shoved halfway into my locker.
626
00:32:45,898 --> 00:32:51,666
We lock eyes briefly as I savor
the fleeting moments of my mystique.
627
00:32:53,072 --> 00:32:57,509
My heart is pounding,
my neck and my belly and my-
628
00:32:59,211 --> 00:33:00,337
there's a lot of pounding.
629
00:33:02,881 --> 00:33:06,840
Lacie starts undoing her blouse.
630
00:33:06,885 --> 00:33:08,648
There's no stopping this thing.
631
00:33:10,022 --> 00:33:13,219
I slowly open my own blouse,
632
00:33:13,258 --> 00:33:18,753
and we let them slip off our
shoulders and down our backs.
633
00:33:24,970 --> 00:33:28,428
Below her face,
I can see a blur of naked flesh.
634
00:33:28,474 --> 00:33:31,637
I refuse to look down,
even for a second.
635
00:33:33,212 --> 00:33:34,406
Then he tells us-
636
00:33:34,446 --> 00:33:35,708
Hold each other
637
00:33:35,748 --> 00:33:38,546
and look longingly
into each others' eyes.
638
00:33:40,853 --> 00:33:42,047
"Longingly"?
639
00:33:42,087 --> 00:33:45,113
I think, "But not too longingly."
640
00:33:48,494 --> 00:33:52,328
I cannot believe that
I am pressing my naked chest
641
00:33:52,364 --> 00:33:55,128
into her naked chest,
642
00:33:55,167 --> 00:34:01,003
skin on skin,
breast on breast,
643
00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:03,907
nipple on nipple.
644
00:34:06,111 --> 00:34:09,274
Lacie, Lacie darling,
lower your arm.
645
00:34:09,314 --> 00:34:11,544
Lacie,lower your arm.
646
00:34:11,583 --> 00:34:14,552
Robin, tilt your head,;tilt your head just a little.
647
00:34:14,586 --> 00:34:17,987
Yes, and now
go in for the kiss.
648
00:34:18,023 --> 00:34:19,854
Go in
for the kiss.
649
00:34:21,593 --> 00:34:23,527
Go in for the kiss.
650
00:34:23,562 --> 00:34:24,688
Yes.
651
00:34:24,730 --> 00:34:27,961
Yes, and, oh,
hold together.
652
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:29,365
Yes, oh, hold it.
653
00:34:29,401 --> 00:34:30,401
Hold it.
654
00:34:30,402 --> 00:34:32,427
Oh, please,
God.
655
00:34:32,471 --> 00:34:33,802
Wonderful,
wonderful.
656
00:34:33,839 --> 00:34:36,364
Oh, I'm very,
very happy.
657
00:34:36,408 --> 00:34:37,408
Sip.
658
00:34:37,409 --> 00:34:39,673
Ah.
659
00:34:41,713 --> 00:34:42,713
Wipe.
660
00:34:44,850 --> 00:34:52,450
Next rehearsal,
I see Lacie in a whole new way.
661
00:34:54,226 --> 00:34:57,559
Like, when you have
a sexy dream about someone,
662
00:34:57,596 --> 00:35:02,499
and then when you run into them,
you still kind of feel it.
663
00:35:06,572 --> 00:35:08,267
"Glad you could
stop by, stranger."
664
00:35:08,307 --> 00:35:09,865
"Oh, come on;
you know I have to work."
665
00:35:09,908 --> 00:35:12,809
"Some people with a lower self-esteem
might think you were avoiding them."
666
00:35:12,845 --> 00:35:14,073
"But not you,right?"
667
00:35:14,113 --> 00:35:16,206
Gabriel is staging the play;
668
00:35:16,248 --> 00:35:19,445
directing us where to cross,
when to sit, and so forth.
669
00:35:19,485 --> 00:35:20,485
"Are you
sick of me?"
670
00:35:20,486 --> 00:35:21,680
"What?
671
00:35:21,720 --> 00:35:23,620
How could anyone
ever get sick of you?"
672
00:35:23,655 --> 00:35:24,655
"Really?"
673
00:35:24,656 --> 00:35:25,884
"As crazy
as you are?"
674
00:35:25,924 --> 00:35:27,323
"Hey."
675
00:35:27,359 --> 00:35:28,519
"Come here."
676
00:35:28,560 --> 00:35:32,052
Okay, begin the mount.
677
00:35:32,097 --> 00:35:33,189
Get on top of her.
678
00:35:33,232 --> 00:35:35,530
You, you, pull her to you.
679
00:35:35,567 --> 00:35:36,567
Passionately.
680
00:35:36,602 --> 00:35:38,069
Kiss her;
kiss her.
681
00:35:38,103 --> 00:35:40,936
And we get to the part where,
as the script dictates,
682
00:35:40,973 --> 00:35:45,467
I am to lower my body onto hers
and kiss her passionately.
683
00:35:47,045 --> 00:35:49,240
I'm nervous about this.
684
00:35:49,281 --> 00:35:52,808
I'm not usually nervous
about this, but in this moment, I am-
685
00:35:53,819 --> 00:35:56,413
very nervous.
686
00:35:56,455 --> 00:35:59,618
But I want to be good
in the play, so-
687
00:36:00,959 --> 00:36:01,959
Take me home.
688
00:36:01,994 --> 00:36:03,791
I take direction well.
689
00:36:03,829 --> 00:36:06,593
Open and receive.
690
00:36:08,934 --> 00:36:10,458
Kiss her hard.
691
00:36:10,502 --> 00:36:11,502
Open-
692
00:36:11,537 --> 00:36:12,799
Mouths.
693
00:36:12,838 --> 00:36:15,602
Oh, my God,that's great.
694
00:36:15,641 --> 00:36:18,838
Ah, oh, you bit me,
you bitch.
695
00:36:20,946 --> 00:36:22,743
Oh, oh, Mama.
696
00:36:22,781 --> 00:36:24,976
Oh, Mama.
697
00:36:25,017 --> 00:36:26,609
Oh, I think you got it.
698
00:36:26,652 --> 00:36:30,554
As rehearsals progress,
I find myself doing a lot of things
699
00:36:30,589 --> 00:36:33,114
for the sake of the play-
700
00:36:33,158 --> 00:36:37,822
Holding her closer,
kissing her longer.
701
00:36:37,863 --> 00:36:39,262
ln between scenes,
702
00:36:39,298 --> 00:36:42,028
we're getting more and more
familiar with each other.
703
00:36:42,968 --> 00:36:46,301
She's holding my hand,
704
00:36:46,338 --> 00:36:49,330
touching my shoulders.
705
00:36:49,374 --> 00:36:51,467
I'm playing with her hair,
706
00:36:51,510 --> 00:36:54,604
taking a bite
out of the apple she's eating-
707
00:36:54,646 --> 00:36:58,582
each of us pushing
the envelope,
708
00:36:58,617 --> 00:37:01,780
raising the stakes
a little more each time.
709
00:37:01,820 --> 00:37:03,583
Are we in character?
710
00:37:05,324 --> 00:37:06,848
What are we in?
711
00:37:08,093 --> 00:37:10,357
Life becomes a series
of blurry lines.
712
00:37:10,395 --> 00:37:11,987
It seems almost impossible
713
00:37:12,030 --> 00:37:14,430
to tell what's right
or wrong anymore.
714
00:37:14,466 --> 00:37:18,300
I mean, if I touch her,
it's okay,
715
00:37:18,337 --> 00:37:22,000
but if I feel something,
it isn't,
716
00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:24,600
but if it's the character
that feels something...
717
00:37:27,813 --> 00:37:30,611
Audrey and I go
to Santa Barbara for the weekend
718
00:37:30,649 --> 00:37:33,311
before rehearsals
get too intense.
719
00:37:33,352 --> 00:37:35,946
She gets mad at me
on the first day
720
00:37:35,988 --> 00:37:39,151
because I'm not taking
enough pictures of her.
721
00:37:40,592 --> 00:37:43,288
She gives me the cold shoulder
for the rest of the weekend.
722
00:37:44,830 --> 00:37:47,697
I go out and sit
on the balcony with her,
723
00:37:47,733 --> 00:37:49,428
getting ready
to feel sorry for myself
724
00:37:49,468 --> 00:37:51,629
like I usually do
when this kind of thing happens.
725
00:37:53,705 --> 00:37:55,104
Only I can't.
726
00:37:57,175 --> 00:37:58,733
I'm thinking about Lacie.
727
00:38:01,913 --> 00:38:03,642
Her face.
728
00:38:06,084 --> 00:38:10,418
I keep thinking
about her face,
729
00:38:10,455 --> 00:38:14,357
trying to remember
what she looks like,
730
00:38:14,393 --> 00:38:18,921
what she was wearing
the last time I saw her,
731
00:38:18,964 --> 00:38:21,364
thinking about when
I'll get to see her again.
732
00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:24,494
♪ Tell, tell me again ♪
733
00:38:24,536 --> 00:38:29,599
♪ how you saw
a beautiful glow, ♪
734
00:38:29,641 --> 00:38:37,641
♪ oh, only to hear something
that I already know. ♪
735
00:38:37,816 --> 00:38:45,816
♪ You became
the beautiful glow ♪
736
00:38:45,891 --> 00:38:53,662
♪ dying in the innocent snow. ♪
737
00:38:55,300 --> 00:38:57,291
I know no good can come of this.
738
00:38:59,004 --> 00:39:00,232
I know.
739
00:39:01,773 --> 00:39:05,800
ln the morning, I wake up,
hoping these feelings won't be there,
740
00:39:05,844 --> 00:39:12,773
but there they are...
741
00:39:12,818 --> 00:39:15,878
these feelings
I'm not supposed to have.
742
00:39:22,227 --> 00:39:26,823
It was me and my mom
and everybody else.
743
00:39:26,865 --> 00:39:29,459
My sisters were off
doing their own thing.
744
00:39:29,501 --> 00:39:31,628
Dad was buried
in his newspaper.
745
00:39:31,670 --> 00:39:34,161
Mom was my universe.
746
00:39:34,206 --> 00:39:35,639
From sunup till sundown,
747
00:39:35,674 --> 00:39:38,734
I did everything I could think
of to dazzle and delight her.
748
00:39:38,777 --> 00:39:40,335
I got perfect grades.
749
00:39:40,379 --> 00:39:42,176
Darling,
that's fabulous.
750
00:39:42,214 --> 00:39:44,842
I sang Hebrew songs
at family gatherings.
751
00:39:44,883 --> 00:39:48,444
I said, "Thank you very much,"
and "Nice to meet you,"
752
00:39:48,487 --> 00:39:50,546
with absolute sincerity.
753
00:39:50,589 --> 00:39:53,080
I brought her coffee
while she watched TV.
754
00:39:53,125 --> 00:39:54,285
I could do no wrong.
755
00:39:55,460 --> 00:39:59,863
Then when I was 1 4,
everything changed.
756
00:39:59,898 --> 00:40:03,857
One night, I ask her if I could go see
Blondie with my buddy Jonathon,
757
00:40:03,902 --> 00:40:07,429
and she loses it
right there in the deli.
758
00:40:07,572 --> 00:40:10,234
You are not going out
with some sheygetz.
759
00:40:10,308 --> 00:40:12,173
What difference does it make
if he's not Jewish?
760
00:40:12,210 --> 00:40:13,609
God, we're
just friends.
761
00:40:13,645 --> 00:40:15,806
First you're just friends,
then you just fall in love.
762
00:40:15,847 --> 00:40:17,712
Then you just move in,;then you just get married,;
763
00:40:17,749 --> 00:40:20,547
and you start arguing over holidays,
and you have Hanumas and Christmukkah.
764
00:40:20,585 --> 00:40:22,143
Christmukkah?
What is that?
765
00:40:22,187 --> 00:40:23,518
And someone gets mad
and yells, "Jew!"
766
00:40:23,555 --> 00:40:24,715
And someone else
yells, "Nazi!"
767
00:40:24,756 --> 00:40:26,587
And someone's penis
gets cut off.
768
00:40:27,859 --> 00:40:29,622
Mom could take any situation
769
00:40:29,661 --> 00:40:32,459
and predict
its inevitable catastrophic end.
770
00:40:35,333 --> 00:40:37,460
Then she leans
across the table and says:
771
00:40:37,502 --> 00:40:41,529
If you do that,
I don't know you.
772
00:40:45,277 --> 00:40:49,077
That was when I realized
there were rules,
773
00:40:49,114 --> 00:40:53,380
previously unspoken rules
that, if broken,
774
00:40:53,418 --> 00:40:55,909
could easily get me
evicted from her heart.
775
00:40:57,456 --> 00:41:05,056
That night, I go out back,
sit on the edge of the pool,
776
00:41:05,096 --> 00:41:09,533
kicking the blue water into waves
while mom raves around in the house.
777
00:41:09,568 --> 00:41:11,297
She's not speaking to me.
778
00:41:12,437 --> 00:41:14,769
She's so fucking loud about it.
779
00:41:20,178 --> 00:41:22,203
"It's funny," I think.
780
00:41:24,015 --> 00:41:25,880
She doesn't even know
the half of it-
781
00:41:29,354 --> 00:41:32,414
my secret fears,
782
00:41:32,457 --> 00:41:33,981
my need to protect her
from them-
783
00:41:36,061 --> 00:41:38,996
thoughts I have about myself
that to me seem so horrible,
784
00:41:39,030 --> 00:41:41,055
I can't even allow myself
to think them.
785
00:41:46,705 --> 00:41:52,610
I make up my mind then and there
that she will never know me,
786
00:41:52,644 --> 00:42:00,608
and it will be necessary and worth it
to be whatever she wants me to be,
787
00:42:00,652 --> 00:42:03,951
to stay in her good graces,
788
00:42:03,989 --> 00:42:07,186
to not have to wander through
this world without her love.
789
00:42:11,663 --> 00:42:15,360
But I thought about what
I would have told her if I could.
790
00:42:19,437 --> 00:42:21,405
There's a girl
in some of my classes-
791
00:42:24,342 --> 00:42:25,832
I keep thinking about her.
792
00:42:29,347 --> 00:42:32,475
I just want to look at her,
793
00:42:32,517 --> 00:42:36,647
talk to her,
794
00:42:36,688 --> 00:42:38,588
hang out with her
after school.
795
00:42:43,061 --> 00:42:46,622
I want her to like me
more than she likes other people.
796
00:42:51,036 --> 00:42:53,527
One day, I was standing
in the kitchen,
797
00:42:53,572 --> 00:42:59,033
and her face just flashed
before my eyes.
798
00:43:00,645 --> 00:43:02,738
I couldn't see
anything else.
799
00:43:05,050 --> 00:43:09,146
Then I felt this rush
of blood from my stomach
800
00:43:09,187 --> 00:43:11,246
all the way up
to my throat.
801
00:43:17,762 --> 00:43:23,200
I feel so sick,
802
00:43:23,234 --> 00:43:24,531
so sick.
803
00:43:29,574 --> 00:43:31,041
And happy.
804
00:43:35,614 --> 00:43:42,986
This girl,
805
00:43:43,021 --> 00:43:44,488
I might be
in love with her.
806
00:43:46,191 --> 00:43:49,683
I go to drive Robin home
from rehearsal,
807
00:43:49,728 --> 00:43:52,492
and she pops a tape
into my car stereo.
808
00:43:54,366 --> 00:43:55,663
This is me.
809
00:43:59,037 --> 00:44:02,200
Fear washes over me.
810
00:44:02,240 --> 00:44:05,937
I think I'm falling for her.
811
00:44:05,977 --> 00:44:08,138
I can't do that.
812
00:44:08,179 --> 00:44:10,477
Even if I wanted
to be in a relationship,
813
00:44:10,515 --> 00:44:11,607
it couldn't be with her.
814
00:44:11,650 --> 00:44:13,242
She's married.
815
00:44:15,754 --> 00:44:19,850
No, no,
this cannot be happening.
816
00:44:19,891 --> 00:44:22,689
No, no, no, no, no,
I don't want this.
817
00:44:22,727 --> 00:44:24,888
I did not ask for this.
818
00:44:26,965 --> 00:44:28,694
Did I?
819
00:44:33,405 --> 00:44:37,341
For a moment,
I see myself starting the car
820
00:44:37,375 --> 00:44:40,469
and just driving us away,
821
00:44:40,512 --> 00:44:44,448
just sort of slipping off
into the sunset,
822
00:44:44,482 --> 00:44:49,317
never looking back,
starting again in a new town,
823
00:44:49,354 --> 00:44:53,450
wearing sombreros,
eating mangoes on the beach.
824
00:44:55,560 --> 00:44:58,757
♪ Except for me. ♪
825
00:44:58,797 --> 00:45:00,856
She'll never be with me.
826
00:45:03,034 --> 00:45:04,695
She might.
827
00:45:06,037 --> 00:45:07,561
She could.
828
00:45:07,605 --> 00:45:10,438
But she won't.
829
00:45:12,777 --> 00:45:18,181
The post-rehearsal good-bye hug
gets more and more imaginative.
830
00:45:22,253 --> 00:45:23,880
I might be pushing it.
831
00:45:23,922 --> 00:45:27,085
That thought
has crossed my mind.
832
00:45:27,125 --> 00:45:30,686
But I'm always careful
not to let things go too far,
833
00:45:30,729 --> 00:45:33,163
not to let myself
feel too much,
834
00:45:33,198 --> 00:45:36,031
to only do things
really good friends might do-
835
00:45:36,067 --> 00:45:39,230
really, really
close friends.
836
00:45:41,039 --> 00:45:45,339
Anyway, I have to do what it takes
in my head to make it okay.
837
00:45:45,376 --> 00:45:47,139
It's foreplay.
838
00:45:47,178 --> 00:45:49,806
I mean, for the play.
839
00:45:49,848 --> 00:45:52,681
We need rules.
840
00:45:52,717 --> 00:45:56,949
We need rules and bylaws,
charters and amendments-
841
00:45:56,988 --> 00:45:59,923
whatever it takes
to put an end to this.
842
00:45:59,958 --> 00:46:01,687
I call Robin on the phone.
843
00:46:01,960 --> 00:46:03,484
I thought we should talk,
844
00:46:03,595 --> 00:46:07,395
because, well, I guess
you probably know why.
845
00:46:08,867 --> 00:46:10,596
Uh-huh.
846
00:46:10,635 --> 00:46:14,298
I mean, I just can't be-
I'm sorry.
847
00:46:14,339 --> 00:46:18,173
I'm trying
to control myself, but-
848
00:46:18,209 --> 00:46:20,302
Well, it's not
just you.
849
00:46:20,345 --> 00:46:22,404
I know,
but I can't.
850
00:46:22,447 --> 00:46:23,505
It's not-
851
00:46:24,949 --> 00:46:27,008
I think we should see each other
only at rehearsals.
852
00:46:27,051 --> 00:46:28,348
What?
853
00:46:28,386 --> 00:46:29,512
I don't want that.
854
00:46:29,554 --> 00:46:30,554
I know.
855
00:46:30,588 --> 00:46:31,850
Neither do I,
856
00:46:31,890 --> 00:46:34,415
but, look, I'm going to have
to take a step back here
857
00:46:34,459 --> 00:46:35,459
for my own good.
858
00:46:35,493 --> 00:46:36,653
I don't want
to do anything
859
00:46:36,694 --> 00:46:38,423
that's going to make me
hate myself later.
860
00:46:38,463 --> 00:46:40,658
I don't see you getting out
of your relationship,
861
00:46:40,698 --> 00:46:43,189
and I don't want to be the cause
of any problems anyway.
862
00:46:43,234 --> 00:46:46,203
You're not the cause
of my problems, okay?
863
00:46:46,237 --> 00:46:51,140
Audrey and I have problems,
and they're playing themselves out.
864
00:46:51,176 --> 00:46:55,237
Look, I did not mean for this to happen,
but I can't help it.
865
00:46:55,280 --> 00:46:57,339
I can't help how I feel.
866
00:46:57,382 --> 00:46:59,714
Neither can I,
but we can help how we act.
867
00:46:59,751 --> 00:47:01,616
We're not animals.
868
00:47:01,653 --> 00:47:06,352
I know, but what if
it's bigger than that?
869
00:47:07,759 --> 00:47:09,090
Whatever it is,
870
00:47:09,127 --> 00:47:11,254
it's not worth breaking up
your relationship for.
871
00:47:11,296 --> 00:47:12,695
I mean, you've got
a model life.
872
00:47:12,730 --> 00:47:15,198
Once this play is over,
these feelings will wear away,
873
00:47:15,233 --> 00:47:17,133
and we can just go back
to things the way they were.
874
00:47:17,168 --> 00:47:18,658
I'm confusing you.
875
00:47:19,804 --> 00:47:22,500
Well, maybe I need you
to confuse me.
876
00:47:22,540 --> 00:47:28,638
You know, I have not been happy
for a long time.
877
00:47:30,815 --> 00:47:33,113
No, no, I can't.
878
00:47:33,151 --> 00:47:36,052
It's just not right.
879
00:47:36,087 --> 00:47:38,248
I'm sorry.
880
00:47:38,289 --> 00:47:40,314
You'll only make it worse,
you know?
881
00:47:40,358 --> 00:47:41,450
What do you mean?
882
00:47:43,027 --> 00:47:44,688
By being
such a good person.
883
00:47:47,866 --> 00:47:50,494
She only makes me
want her more.
884
00:47:57,008 --> 00:47:59,909
I've forgotten who I am,
885
00:47:59,944 --> 00:48:03,471
and Lacie was just
starting to remind me.
886
00:48:03,514 --> 00:48:05,641
I played her some of the songs
I've been writing,
887
00:48:05,683 --> 00:48:06,980
and she starts
talking to me
888
00:48:07,018 --> 00:48:09,612
about how I should
record them professionally.
889
00:48:09,654 --> 00:48:13,317
She has a way of making it seem
like the easiest thing in the world.
890
00:48:13,358 --> 00:48:15,485
Just take out my life savings;
891
00:48:15,526 --> 00:48:18,620
hire musicians, an engineer;
rent a studio.
892
00:48:22,400 --> 00:48:23,560
Maybe it is.
893
00:48:25,470 --> 00:48:29,236
I had this dream
where I'm walking on the beach,
894
00:48:29,274 --> 00:48:31,003
and every time
the tide comes in,
895
00:48:31,042 --> 00:48:35,502
it glitters the shore with
quarters and nickels and dimes.
896
00:48:35,546 --> 00:48:38,674
And I run up and down the sand
just filling my fist with loot
897
00:48:38,716 --> 00:48:41,776
till I feel myself
starting to wake up.
898
00:48:41,819 --> 00:48:46,119
And I grip hold of these coins
like they're real,
899
00:48:46,157 --> 00:48:51,618
like I can steal something
from my dreams,
900
00:48:51,663 --> 00:48:54,359
something that's worth keeping
when I'm awake.
901
00:49:01,406 --> 00:49:03,340
I don't want
to break Audrey's heart.
902
00:49:07,245 --> 00:49:09,941
I don't want to let Lacie go.
903
00:49:15,053 --> 00:49:16,281
I came out to my mom
904
00:49:16,321 --> 00:49:19,119
in the parking lot
of the Golden China Restaurant
905
00:49:19,157 --> 00:49:21,022
on the corner
of Venice and Robertson.
906
00:49:22,493 --> 00:49:24,654
Eating is about
the worst thing you can do
907
00:49:24,696 --> 00:49:27,426
right before you shatter
someone's universe.
908
00:49:27,465 --> 00:49:29,365
Much worse than eating
before swimming.
909
00:49:30,568 --> 00:49:32,229
I meant to tell her
inside the restaurant,
910
00:49:32,270 --> 00:49:34,431
but the moment just kept
getting away from me.
911
00:49:35,606 --> 00:49:37,403
We're standing
in the buffet line,
912
00:49:37,442 --> 00:49:40,707
the glory of the world
laid out before us.
913
00:49:40,745 --> 00:49:43,111
It's broccoli evergreen.
914
00:49:43,147 --> 00:49:46,742
It's amber waves
of chow mein.
915
00:49:46,784 --> 00:49:50,276
We believed that unlimited amounts of food
could bring us together.
916
00:49:50,321 --> 00:49:52,687
We relied on it for that.
917
00:49:52,724 --> 00:49:54,453
Just as I open my mouth to speak,
918
00:49:54,492 --> 00:49:58,155
Mom shoves a warm plate
into my hands.
919
00:49:58,196 --> 00:49:59,629
Stock up on shrimp.
920
00:49:59,664 --> 00:50:01,723
It's worth
the most money.
921
00:50:01,766 --> 00:50:05,327
Okay, maybe now is not the best time.
922
00:50:05,370 --> 00:50:07,031
She's too happy.
923
00:50:07,071 --> 00:50:09,505
She's having that
smorgasbord high she gets,
924
00:50:09,540 --> 00:50:11,974
that blend of joy and panic.
925
00:50:12,010 --> 00:50:14,535
Like, if we'd
go on vacation at some hotel,
926
00:50:14,579 --> 00:50:17,639
she'd keep dragging us down to
the pool because we paid for it,
927
00:50:17,682 --> 00:50:19,149
waking us up at 6:00 a.m.
928
00:50:20,184 --> 00:50:21,184
Why aren't you swimming?
929
00:50:21,185 --> 00:50:22,185
You should be swimming.
930
00:50:23,688 --> 00:50:26,179
Because you had to claim
what was yours
931
00:50:26,224 --> 00:50:28,124
while you had the chance.
932
00:50:28,159 --> 00:50:31,356
You had to take
your life into your hands.
933
00:50:31,396 --> 00:50:35,196
We sit down to eat,
and Mom starts talking constantly.
934
00:50:35,233 --> 00:50:37,633
She has talked nonstop
since I can remember.
935
00:50:37,668 --> 00:50:40,831
I think she always sensed I'd
have bad news for her one day
936
00:50:40,872 --> 00:50:42,533
and didn't want to ever
give me the floor.
937
00:50:42,573 --> 00:50:43,835
Oh, and guess what.
938
00:50:43,875 --> 00:50:45,843
Freddy came by today,
and you know what he said?
939
00:50:45,877 --> 00:50:46,935
He said he knows
you're not
940
00:50:46,978 --> 00:50:48,343
the most beautiful girl
in the world,
941
00:50:48,379 --> 00:50:50,870
but he stillreally likes you.
942
00:50:50,915 --> 00:50:52,974
Oh, I think that's sweet.
943
00:50:53,017 --> 00:50:54,017
I don'tunderstand you.
944
00:50:54,052 --> 00:50:55,349
I don't understand
945
00:50:55,386 --> 00:50:57,183
why you won't give himat least a chance.
946
00:50:57,221 --> 00:50:58,221
Oh, by the way,
947
00:50:58,222 --> 00:50:59,655
what ever happened
to that guy?
948
00:50:59,690 --> 00:51:00,690
Oh, what's his name?
949
00:51:00,691 --> 00:51:01,988
Oh, you know,
950
00:51:02,026 --> 00:51:03,493
he had
the fancy sports car
951
00:51:03,528 --> 00:51:05,655
and that good jobwith the whatchamacallit,
952
00:51:05,696 --> 00:51:07,755
making monster movies.
953
00:51:07,799 --> 00:51:09,528
What was wrongwith him?
954
00:51:09,567 --> 00:51:10,625
And what about
whosemajig?
955
00:51:10,668 --> 00:51:12,192
You know,
he was halfway decent.
956
00:51:12,236 --> 00:51:14,727
Oh, no.
957
00:51:14,772 --> 00:51:18,037
It's like she knows
what I'm about to tell her
958
00:51:18,076 --> 00:51:20,101
and is intentionally summoning
959
00:51:20,144 --> 00:51:24,137
the ghosts of heterosexuality past
to distract me.
960
00:51:27,418 --> 00:51:29,215
God, why is this
taking so long?
961
00:51:31,089 --> 00:51:32,579
I should be out by now.
962
00:51:32,623 --> 00:51:35,922
I should be throwing darts
in some leather bar by now.
963
00:51:37,295 --> 00:51:38,853
Oh, honey, look.
964
00:51:38,896 --> 00:51:40,659
But then she's
reading her fortune.
965
00:51:40,698 --> 00:51:43,667
It says I'm going to have
a happy surprise soon.
966
00:51:43,701 --> 00:51:45,293
Looking so sweet.
967
00:51:45,336 --> 00:51:47,736
Oh, a happy surprise.
I wonder what that could be.
968
00:51:47,772 --> 00:51:53,074
So naive,
dreaming about her future.
969
00:51:53,111 --> 00:51:56,842
I don't want to wipe
that look off her face.
970
00:51:56,881 --> 00:51:59,850
Oh, honey, do you have
something good to tell your mom?
971
00:51:59,884 --> 00:52:01,408
No, no,
I'll call her later.
972
00:52:01,452 --> 00:52:02,885
I'll leave it
on her machine.
973
00:52:02,920 --> 00:52:05,480
I'll send her
a get-well card.
974
00:52:05,523 --> 00:52:10,984
Mom pays the bill, and we start
walking out to our cars.
975
00:52:11,028 --> 00:52:13,553
I can feel the orange chicken
kicking around in my belly,
976
00:52:13,598 --> 00:52:16,192
like, "Come on!
Come on!
977
00:52:16,234 --> 00:52:17,292
Tell her!"
978
00:52:23,908 --> 00:52:26,240
I stop in my tracks.
979
00:52:26,277 --> 00:52:28,507
Everything becomes a blur.
980
00:52:28,546 --> 00:52:31,481
The sunlight off the windshields
is blinding me.
981
00:52:31,516 --> 00:52:35,077
I can barely make out
my car up ahead,
982
00:52:35,119 --> 00:52:39,522
pointing toward the street,
the future,
983
00:52:39,557 --> 00:52:41,548
someplace I want to go.
984
00:52:44,428 --> 00:52:45,656
My knees buckle.
985
00:52:45,696 --> 00:52:46,993
I drop something.
986
00:52:49,100 --> 00:52:52,035
Then Mom's silhouette
rises up in front of me
987
00:52:52,069 --> 00:52:55,334
like a dark gray ghost.
988
00:52:55,373 --> 00:52:57,068
She's picked up my car keys,
989
00:52:57,108 --> 00:53:00,737
and she's dangling them
in front of my face like, "Here.
990
00:53:00,778 --> 00:53:02,040
"Take it.
991
00:53:02,079 --> 00:53:04,673
I dare you to take
your life back."
992
00:53:09,520 --> 00:53:13,047
I grab the keys
and walk Mom to her minivan.
993
00:53:13,090 --> 00:53:16,389
Sweetheart,
I know.
994
00:53:16,427 --> 00:53:19,863
Okay, so I'll call,
and we'll be all set.
995
00:53:19,897 --> 00:53:23,264
And just as she opens the door,
I say, "Mom"-
996
00:53:23,301 --> 00:53:24,632
I've got something
to tell you.
997
00:53:24,669 --> 00:53:26,603
Oh, my God;
oh, my God.
998
00:53:26,637 --> 00:53:29,538
Right away, she doubles over
onto the front seat.
999
00:53:29,574 --> 00:53:31,701
It's all right, Mom.
1000
00:53:31,742 --> 00:53:33,266
Mom, what I have
to tell you is-
1001
00:53:38,883 --> 00:53:40,180
I'm gay.
1002
00:53:40,218 --> 00:53:42,413
Okay, I really wanted
to say, "I'm a lesbian,"
1003
00:53:42,453 --> 00:53:44,819
but I thought,
"That is way too many syllables
1004
00:53:44,855 --> 00:53:47,255
to be pummeling
at the poor woman," you know?
1005
00:53:47,291 --> 00:53:50,158
Les-bi-an.
1006
00:53:51,262 --> 00:53:52,262
No.
1007
00:53:52,263 --> 00:53:55,494
No, not nice,
not necessary.
1008
00:53:55,533 --> 00:53:57,000
You know, I just said "gay."
1009
00:53:57,034 --> 00:54:01,061
I'm in, I'm out of there;
no one's badly hurt.
1010
00:54:01,105 --> 00:54:06,975
So clawing at her chest,
she says-I'm not making this up.
1011
00:54:07,011 --> 00:54:08,638
Oh, my God.
1012
00:54:12,116 --> 00:54:14,175
I feel like
when Kennedy was killed.
1013
00:54:15,753 --> 00:54:17,414
Kennedy?
1014
00:54:17,455 --> 00:54:20,185
I'm like, "Really, Mom?
1015
00:54:21,626 --> 00:54:22,820
Bobby or Jack?"
1016
00:54:24,061 --> 00:54:25,995
Well, because I needed
to know for my journal.
1017
00:54:27,865 --> 00:54:29,765
At this point,
I'm sweating.
1018
00:54:29,800 --> 00:54:32,963
I'm totally schvitzing
from every pore.
1019
00:54:33,004 --> 00:54:34,335
Coming out to your mom-
1020
00:54:34,372 --> 00:54:36,897
nothing betting for getting
the heart rate up.
1021
00:54:36,941 --> 00:54:38,568
Oh, it's a real fat burner.
1022
00:54:38,609 --> 00:54:43,569
So here's Mom now hanging
onto the frame of the car,
1023
00:54:43,614 --> 00:54:46,208
clinging to it like
the last branch of a dying tree.
1024
00:54:46,250 --> 00:54:47,308
She says:
1025
00:54:47,351 --> 00:54:49,581
Now, wait a minute.
1026
00:54:49,620 --> 00:54:51,212
Wait a minute.
1027
00:54:51,255 --> 00:54:53,416
Now, how do you know
this is not just a fad?
1028
00:54:53,457 --> 00:54:56,119
Mom, it's not a fad, okay?
1029
00:54:56,160 --> 00:54:57,559
People have been gay forever.
1030
00:54:57,595 --> 00:54:59,563
It's just now they'recoming out of the closet.
1031
00:54:59,597 --> 00:55:00,757
Well, fine.
1032
00:55:00,798 --> 00:55:02,322
That's fine with me.
1033
00:55:02,366 --> 00:55:05,529
But why do they have
to come out of my closet?
1034
00:55:05,569 --> 00:55:07,093
And she blames herself
1035
00:55:07,138 --> 00:55:08,662
for not breast-feeding,
1036
00:55:08,706 --> 00:55:12,301
blames Dad for peeing
with the door open.
1037
00:55:12,343 --> 00:55:13,343
She processes.
1038
00:55:13,344 --> 00:55:14,743
She grieves.
1039
00:55:14,779 --> 00:55:18,772
She takes a brief but thorough tour
of the five stages of loss.
1040
00:55:20,418 --> 00:55:25,583
And in the end,
1041
00:55:25,623 --> 00:55:26,988
she hugs me.
1042
00:55:28,959 --> 00:55:31,427
And she says:
1043
00:55:31,462 --> 00:55:32,759
I love you.
1044
00:55:34,231 --> 00:55:36,222
I've always loved you.
1045
00:55:40,271 --> 00:55:43,240
And I'm like, "What?
1046
00:55:44,408 --> 00:55:46,433
"What?
1047
00:55:46,477 --> 00:55:48,035
"That's it?
1048
00:55:48,079 --> 00:55:50,070
"That's it?
1049
00:55:50,114 --> 00:55:52,309
"She loves me?
1050
00:55:52,350 --> 00:55:53,715
"She just loves me,
and that's it?
1051
00:55:53,751 --> 00:55:56,686
"All those years
of dread and nausea,
1052
00:55:56,721 --> 00:55:59,713
"pretending, fantasizing
in my room, and that's it?
1053
00:55:59,757 --> 00:56:01,384
"She loves me?
1054
00:56:01,425 --> 00:56:03,757
"No torn garments?
1055
00:56:03,794 --> 00:56:05,318
No dirt on her head?"
1056
00:56:09,300 --> 00:56:11,825
The universe does not cave in.
1057
00:56:14,238 --> 00:56:19,107
ln fact,
I feel like the whole world
1058
00:56:19,143 --> 00:56:23,239
just opened up
its arms to me.
1059
00:56:27,184 --> 00:56:28,344
I say:
1060
00:56:28,386 --> 00:56:30,980
You're
the best, Mom.
1061
00:56:51,175 --> 00:56:55,839
And I climb
into my four-door Toyota-
1062
00:56:55,880 --> 00:56:59,372
the closest I can get to
a sports car-and turn the key.
1063
00:56:59,417 --> 00:57:01,442
Sinéad O'Connor
is playing on K-ROQ,
1064
00:57:01,485 --> 00:57:04,215
and I crank it
as loud as I can.
1065
00:57:04,255 --> 00:57:08,316
She's singing,
"I want your hands on me."
1066
00:57:08,359 --> 00:57:11,954
And I just start singing
right along with her,
1067
00:57:11,996 --> 00:57:17,866
thinking about all the hands
I want on me,
1068
00:57:17,902 --> 00:57:22,134
all the hands I'm going
to damn well have all over me.
1069
00:57:23,808 --> 00:57:26,242
Grown up.
1070
00:57:26,277 --> 00:57:27,676
Guilt-free.
1071
00:57:29,580 --> 00:57:35,883
And I jam west on the freeway
so fast, I feel like I'm flying.
1072
00:57:40,524 --> 00:57:43,493
Opening night is intense-
1073
00:57:43,527 --> 00:57:47,520
being on stage with her,
creating our own reality.
1074
00:57:47,565 --> 00:57:49,658
Audrey didn't come to the show.
1075
00:57:49,700 --> 00:57:51,861
She said she was afraid
of what she might see.
1076
00:57:51,902 --> 00:57:54,666
The two of us
reacting off each other,
1077
00:57:54,705 --> 00:57:57,731
the hot lights,
the energy, the applause,
1078
00:57:57,775 --> 00:58:00,403
the crowd,
the Aqua Net-
1079
00:58:00,444 --> 00:58:02,969
and coming off stage afterwards
to compare notes-
1080
00:58:08,519 --> 00:58:10,214
You got, like,
the biggest laugh.
1081
00:58:10,254 --> 00:58:11,278
You got
the biggest laugh.
1082
00:58:11,322 --> 00:58:12,619
You got
the biggest laugh.
1083
00:58:16,360 --> 00:58:18,123
And I don't know
what happened,
1084
00:58:18,162 --> 00:58:19,356
but all of a sudden,
1085
00:58:19,396 --> 00:58:21,557
the words just came
bursting out of my mouth:
1086
00:58:21,599 --> 00:58:22,657
Want to go out
for a drink?
1087
00:58:28,772 --> 00:58:29,932
We go out-
1088
00:58:29,974 --> 00:58:31,441
♪ Silly me. ♪
1089
00:58:31,475 --> 00:58:33,238
To the local girls' bar-
1090
00:58:33,277 --> 00:58:36,246
♪ Look what I did again. ♪
1091
00:58:36,280 --> 00:58:39,647
♪ I found what I want ♪
1092
00:58:39,683 --> 00:58:41,651
♪ is what I cannot have. ♪
1093
00:58:41,685 --> 00:58:45,416
Sit at a tall table,
drinking beer from the bottle,
1094
00:58:45,456 --> 00:58:49,756
our skin tinted red
from the gel disco lights,
1095
00:58:49,793 --> 00:58:53,354
our bones vibrating
to this loud, sexy beat.
1096
00:58:53,397 --> 00:58:55,228
♪ Irresistible. ♪
1097
00:58:55,266 --> 00:58:59,168
♪ And it isn'tsomething I need- ♪
1098
00:58:59,203 --> 00:59:02,468
I hold her hand
under the table,
1099
00:59:02,506 --> 00:59:05,134
lean in to listen
to her speak.
1100
00:59:06,377 --> 00:59:08,368
I need to hear
every word.
1101
00:59:10,047 --> 00:59:15,610
♪ My heart breaksin a heartbeat. ♪
1102
00:59:15,653 --> 00:59:19,714
Brush close against her cheek,
1103
00:59:19,757 --> 00:59:23,193
smell her perfume, her oil.
1104
00:59:25,329 --> 00:59:26,853
Breathe it in.
1105
00:59:28,566 --> 00:59:31,034
All the way in.
1106
00:59:31,068 --> 00:59:33,662
♪ About the undertow. ♪
1107
00:59:33,704 --> 00:59:39,370
♪ And, little girl,
I don't know why you stay. ♪
1108
00:59:39,410 --> 00:59:43,779
She touches the back of my neck
with the tips of her fingers,
1109
00:59:43,814 --> 00:59:50,378
and this time, I feel it-
1110
00:59:50,421 --> 00:59:54,050
♪ So hard to break. ♪
1111
00:59:54,091 --> 00:59:57,390
All the way down.
1112
00:59:57,428 --> 00:59:59,521
♪ Good mistakes. ♪
1113
00:59:59,563 --> 01:00:02,896
♪ I don't know why
I must ask ♪
1114
01:00:02,933 --> 01:00:05,959
♪ for the forbidden fruit. ♪
1115
01:00:06,003 --> 01:00:11,168
♪ I saw the snake in the grass,but I had bitten too soon. ♪
1116
01:00:11,208 --> 01:00:13,335
I excuse myself
to the bathroom-
1117
01:00:13,377 --> 01:00:14,867
♪ My heart breaks. ♪
1118
01:00:14,912 --> 01:00:17,710
Collapse against
a sticky wall.
1119
01:00:17,748 --> 01:00:19,443
What am I doing?
1120
01:00:19,483 --> 01:00:20,609
What am I doing?
1121
01:00:20,651 --> 01:00:22,209
I'm married.
1122
01:00:22,252 --> 01:00:24,982
Audrey is waiting for me
at home in our bed,
1123
01:00:25,022 --> 01:00:26,956
the bed I made
and now must lie in.
1124
01:00:26,991 --> 01:00:32,088
♪ The taste of something
so sweet ♪
1125
01:00:32,129 --> 01:00:36,828
♪ should have warned me
about the undertow. ♪
1126
01:00:36,867 --> 01:00:38,391
Oh, my God.
1127
01:00:40,537 --> 01:00:43,005
This could really happen.
1128
01:00:43,040 --> 01:00:44,234
She looked at me
1129
01:00:44,274 --> 01:00:46,401
as if she wanted to add me
to her health plan.
1130
01:00:48,145 --> 01:00:50,409
Now what do I do?
1131
01:00:50,447 --> 01:00:51,937
This is the girl
I want to marry,
1132
01:00:51,982 --> 01:00:54,143
and I don't want
to marry anyone.
1133
01:00:54,184 --> 01:00:58,280
"Six years" keeps flashing
like a road sign in my head.
1134
01:00:58,322 --> 01:00:59,380
Don't blow it.
1135
01:00:59,423 --> 01:01:01,823
Think about
what you're doing.
1136
01:01:01,859 --> 01:01:03,451
Six years
is a long time.
1137
01:01:03,494 --> 01:01:05,928
I promised her
I'd always be there for her,
1138
01:01:05,963 --> 01:01:07,328
no one else
would ever matter.
1139
01:01:07,364 --> 01:01:08,922
Marriage doesn't work.
1140
01:01:08,966 --> 01:01:11,230
Marriage takes
a beautiful relationship
1141
01:01:11,268 --> 01:01:12,997
and squeezes
all the love out of it.
1142
01:01:13,037 --> 01:01:16,939
♪ Ai-hi-i-yi-yi-i. ♪
1143
01:01:16,974 --> 01:01:21,308
♪ Taste of something
so sweet ♪
1144
01:01:21,345 --> 01:01:24,143
♪ should have
warned me ♪
1145
01:01:24,181 --> 01:01:27,014
♪ about the undertow. ♪
1146
01:01:27,051 --> 01:01:29,042
Relationships are hard work.
1147
01:01:29,086 --> 01:01:31,611
Everyone knows that,
but you stick it out.
1148
01:01:31,655 --> 01:01:34,590
You don't just up and run
when something new comes along.
1149
01:01:34,625 --> 01:01:36,058
And what if I leave Audrey
1150
01:01:36,093 --> 01:01:37,788
and things don't work out
with Lacie?
1151
01:01:37,828 --> 01:01:38,828
Then where would I be?
1152
01:01:38,829 --> 01:01:40,956
Robin's the all-or-nothing type.
1153
01:01:40,998 --> 01:01:42,158
I can't be alone.
1154
01:01:42,199 --> 01:01:44,190
She won't accept
anything less than forever,
1155
01:01:44,234 --> 01:01:45,667
and I don't see how
I can give her that.
1156
01:01:45,703 --> 01:01:48,399
I need someone to ground me,
someone to see me.
1157
01:01:48,439 --> 01:01:49,804
I need to be free.
1158
01:01:49,840 --> 01:01:51,137
I can't go back
to being just me.
1159
01:01:51,175 --> 01:01:54,576
I like having my own place,
being in my own rhythm-
1160
01:01:54,611 --> 01:01:57,409
I've been just me before,
and I didn't like it-
1161
01:01:57,448 --> 01:01:59,882
looking for a single
with central air,
1162
01:01:59,917 --> 01:02:01,475
saving quarters for laundry-
1163
01:02:01,518 --> 01:02:03,986
Not having to be home
at a particular time-
1164
01:02:04,021 --> 01:02:06,990
Not shaving my legs,
talking to my cat-
1165
01:02:07,024 --> 01:02:08,355
Talking to my cat-
1166
01:02:08,392 --> 01:02:11,793
Chatting in chat rooms,
dating people who don't get me,
1167
01:02:11,829 --> 01:02:13,820
fake smiling,
fake laughing-
1168
01:02:13,864 --> 01:02:15,024
Eating at odd hours-
1169
01:02:15,065 --> 01:02:16,065
Coming home alone-
1170
01:02:16,066 --> 01:02:17,192
Being spontaneous-
1171
01:02:17,234 --> 01:02:19,532
Leaving the lights on,
leaving the TV on-
1172
01:02:19,570 --> 01:02:20,628
Being left
to my own thoughts-
1173
01:02:20,671 --> 01:02:22,502
Trying not to hear
my own thoughts-
1174
01:02:22,539 --> 01:02:23,836
Having the bed to myself-
1175
01:02:23,874 --> 01:02:26,104
Hogging all the covers,
no one complaining,
1176
01:02:26,143 --> 01:02:27,542
waking to silence.
1177
01:02:28,245 --> 01:02:30,076
Starting all over again.
1178
01:02:32,483 --> 01:02:34,212
I don't want
to start all over again.
1179
01:02:34,251 --> 01:02:35,275
No.
1180
01:02:35,319 --> 01:02:36,650
This is my life.
1181
01:02:36,687 --> 01:02:37,813
This is my life.
1182
01:02:37,855 --> 01:02:39,755
I've got the pictures
to prove it-
1183
01:02:39,790 --> 01:02:42,315
albums and albums of pictures
1184
01:02:42,359 --> 01:02:46,022
of the two of us being
a couple in hundreds of settings,
1185
01:02:46,063 --> 01:02:50,693
watching sunrises off volcano tops,
sunsets from the pier.
1186
01:02:50,734 --> 01:02:53,703
Evidence of us.
1187
01:02:53,737 --> 01:02:55,796
This is not a play.
1188
01:02:55,839 --> 01:02:57,033
This is real.
1189
01:03:00,511 --> 01:03:01,637
So how come-
1190
01:03:01,678 --> 01:03:03,202
So how come
at the end of the night,
1191
01:03:03,247 --> 01:03:06,648
when it's time to get in my car
and drive home without her,
1192
01:03:06,683 --> 01:03:08,310
I feel like I'm going to die?
1193
01:03:09,987 --> 01:03:12,956
Back on Katherine's
reclining leather chair.
1194
01:03:12,990 --> 01:03:16,084
Back to the futon,
Coronas in hand.
1195
01:03:16,126 --> 01:03:17,991
I close my eyes.
1196
01:03:18,028 --> 01:03:20,053
She tries to hypnotize me.
1197
01:03:20,097 --> 01:03:24,193
"Five, four, three, two, one.
1198
01:03:24,234 --> 01:03:25,895
Deep sleep;
deep sleep."
1199
01:03:29,273 --> 01:03:30,535
I'm wide awake,
1200
01:03:32,409 --> 01:03:36,675
wide awake to this world
I made.
1201
01:03:36,713 --> 01:03:40,274
I wish she could put me under
and send me on my way
1202
01:03:40,317 --> 01:03:42,114
in a permanent dream state
1203
01:03:42,152 --> 01:03:45,815
where I believe
all things are possible.
1204
01:03:47,457 --> 01:03:50,426
What are you
going to do, Robin?
1205
01:03:52,362 --> 01:03:53,659
I don't know.
1206
01:03:55,766 --> 01:03:56,994
What am I
supposed to do?
1207
01:03:58,302 --> 01:04:00,293
You're supposed
to be happy.
1208
01:04:06,710 --> 01:04:11,113
The next day, we don't have a show,
and I don't hear from her.
1209
01:04:13,083 --> 01:04:14,516
Good.
1210
01:04:15,552 --> 01:04:17,850
Saw this coming
a mile away.
1211
01:04:17,888 --> 01:04:20,049
Now I can
get on with my life.
1212
01:04:20,090 --> 01:04:21,819
Can I get a Diet Coke
1213
01:04:21,859 --> 01:04:23,656
with about that much
rum in it?
1214
01:04:25,395 --> 01:04:28,694
I decided to just
get back into dating
1215
01:04:28,732 --> 01:04:30,962
to meet a nice,
single girl
1216
01:04:31,001 --> 01:04:34,164
and put this whole thing
behind me.
1217
01:04:34,204 --> 01:04:38,004
I find the likely candidate
down at the end of the bar.
1218
01:04:38,041 --> 01:04:40,305
I slide in next to her,
1219
01:04:40,344 --> 01:04:43,336
and I think make
a really nice connection.
1220
01:04:43,380 --> 01:04:45,644
We chat; we converse.
1221
01:04:45,682 --> 01:04:48,549
Everything's going great.
1222
01:04:48,585 --> 01:04:51,884
But just as I'm getting ready to
buy her another drink, she says:
1223
01:04:51,922 --> 01:04:53,719
What are you
doing here?
1224
01:04:53,757 --> 01:04:56,783
You haven't stopped talking
about this girl all night.
1225
01:05:01,632 --> 01:05:03,190
Can I get
a check, please?
1226
01:05:11,008 --> 01:05:14,102
♪ Sick of it all. ♪
1227
01:05:14,144 --> 01:05:16,704
♪ I'm saying I'm sorry. ♪
1228
01:05:16,747 --> 01:05:19,773
The next morning, I'm lying
in bed beside Audrey,
1229
01:05:19,816 --> 01:05:22,376
staring out the window.
1230
01:05:22,419 --> 01:05:27,322
I feel so alone with her,
more alone than when I am alone.
1231
01:05:29,426 --> 01:05:31,485
I used to think it was worth
any amount of pain
1232
01:05:31,528 --> 01:05:33,462
to keep my promise
to her, but...
1233
01:05:36,066 --> 01:05:37,397
Sun's coming up.
1234
01:05:40,203 --> 01:05:41,966
I put my hand
on her shoulder.
1235
01:05:45,809 --> 01:05:46,867
She knows.
1236
01:05:49,446 --> 01:05:52,040
And we'll go through
what we have to go through
1237
01:05:52,082 --> 01:05:55,245
to get to the other side-
1238
01:05:55,285 --> 01:05:59,779
sell the house,
divide the pictures, take off rings.
1239
01:05:59,823 --> 01:06:02,485
♪ Leave me behind. ♪
1240
01:06:02,526 --> 01:06:04,255
Try to get happy.
1241
01:06:05,529 --> 01:06:10,364
♪ Don't leave me behind. ♪
1242
01:06:11,768 --> 01:06:17,707
♪ I'm going nowhere. ♪
1243
01:06:17,741 --> 01:06:23,509
♪ I can't decide
what's best for you. ♪
1244
01:06:23,547 --> 01:06:29,543
♪ You're waiting somewhere. ♪
1245
01:06:29,586 --> 01:06:35,855
♪ I wish that I could
go there too. ♪
1246
01:06:35,892 --> 01:06:41,159
♪ I'm going to wait
for you. ♪
1247
01:06:58,315 --> 01:06:59,782
Remember that house
we kept passing
1248
01:06:59,816 --> 01:07:01,443
on the way to our cars
after rehearsal?
1249
01:07:02,753 --> 01:07:05,449
That house where you turned
to me that day, and you said-
1250
01:07:05,489 --> 01:07:07,218
"I love that house."
1251
01:07:07,257 --> 01:07:10,283
This little corner house
with the peeling paint...
1252
01:07:16,066 --> 01:07:20,127
Well, all I've wanted
ever since then
1253
01:07:20,170 --> 01:07:23,469
was to live
in that house with you
1254
01:07:23,507 --> 01:07:24,974
for the rest
of my life.
1255
01:07:30,580 --> 01:07:32,514
What about the people
who are living there?
1256
01:07:33,583 --> 01:07:35,676
Would you forget
about them?
1257
01:07:35,719 --> 01:07:36,913
Well, I can't,
you know, I mean,
1258
01:07:36,953 --> 01:07:38,443
because I worry
about these kinds of-
1259
01:07:38,488 --> 01:07:39,488
Yeah, I know.
1260
01:07:39,489 --> 01:07:40,649
Maybe you worry
too much.
1261
01:07:40,690 --> 01:07:41,690
You think?
1262
01:07:43,326 --> 01:07:44,350
Forever, huh?
1263
01:07:47,297 --> 01:07:48,355
I can see that.
1264
01:07:52,169 --> 01:07:53,534
You can?
1265
01:07:53,570 --> 01:07:55,834
On a minute-to-minute
basis.
1266
01:07:59,109 --> 01:08:00,109
What else
is there?
1267
01:08:07,517 --> 01:08:11,647
♪ Something always
brings me back to you. ♪
1268
01:08:13,723 --> 01:08:17,523
♪ It never takes too long. ♪
1269
01:08:19,429 --> 01:08:23,695
♪ No matter
what I say or do, ♪
1270
01:08:23,733 --> 01:08:29,569
♪ I'll still feel you here
till the moment I'm gone. ♪
1271
01:08:33,510 --> 01:08:36,445
♪ You hold me without touch. ♪
1272
01:08:39,282 --> 01:08:44,117
♪ You keep me without chains. ♪
1273
01:08:44,154 --> 01:08:48,818
♪ I never wanted
anything so much ♪
1274
01:08:48,859 --> 01:08:55,128
♪ than to drown in your love
and not feel your rain. ♪
1275
01:08:56,633 --> 01:09:00,125
♪ Set me free. ♪
1276
01:09:00,170 --> 01:09:02,900
♪ Leave me be. ♪
1277
01:09:02,939 --> 01:09:08,536
♪ I don't want to fall another
moment into your gravity. ♪
1278
01:09:08,578 --> 01:09:15,416
♪ Here I am,
and I stand so tall, ♪
1279
01:09:15,452 --> 01:09:19,912
♪ just the way
I'm supposed to be, ♪
1280
01:09:19,956 --> 01:09:26,885
♪ but you're on to me
and all over me. ♪
1281
01:09:28,565 --> 01:09:35,471
♪ Oh, you loved me,
because I'm fragile, ♪
1282
01:09:35,505 --> 01:09:40,533
♪ when I thought
that I was strong. ♪
1283
01:09:40,577 --> 01:09:46,311
♪ But you touch me
for a little while ♪
1284
01:09:46,349 --> 01:09:50,809
♪ and all my fragile strength
is gone. ♪
1285
01:09:53,223 --> 01:09:56,886
♪ Set me free. ♪
1286
01:09:56,927 --> 01:09:59,088
♪ Leave me be. ♪
1287
01:09:59,129 --> 01:10:05,068
♪ I don't want to fall another
moment into your gravity. ♪
1288
01:10:05,101 --> 01:10:11,870
♪ Here I am,
and I stand so tall, ♪
1289
01:10:11,908 --> 01:10:16,174
♪ just the way
I'm supposed to be, ♪
1290
01:10:16,213 --> 01:10:24,213
♪ but you're on to me
and all over me. ♪
1291
01:10:25,789 --> 01:10:30,726
♪ I live here on my knees
as I try to make you see ♪
1292
01:10:30,760 --> 01:10:36,630
♪ that you're everything I think
I need here on the ground, ♪
1293
01:10:36,666 --> 01:10:39,157
♪ but you're neither
friend nor foe, ♪
1294
01:10:39,202 --> 01:10:42,399
♪ though I can't seem
to let you go. ♪
1295
01:10:42,439 --> 01:10:44,839
♪ The one thing
that I still know ♪
1296
01:10:44,874 --> 01:10:52,874
♪ is that you're
keeping me down. ♪
1297
01:10:55,852 --> 01:10:57,376
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh. ♪
1298
01:11:00,557 --> 01:11:06,757
♪ Keeping me down. ♪
1299
01:11:06,796 --> 01:11:12,166
♪ Hey, ooh. ♪
1300
01:11:13,270 --> 01:11:14,669
♪ You're on to me. ♪
1301
01:11:14,704 --> 01:11:19,141
♪ You're on to me
and all over. ♪
1302
01:11:22,479 --> 01:11:26,711
♪ Something always
brings me back to you. ♪
1303
01:11:28,551 --> 01:11:33,750
♪ It never takes too long. ♪
1304
01:11:46,202 --> 01:11:48,170
I don't know
what the fuck that means.
1305
01:11:51,174 --> 01:11:52,641
How are you holding up?
1306
01:11:52,676 --> 01:11:54,644
Shit, sorry.
1307
01:11:57,380 --> 01:11:59,473
What the fuck
is her name?
1308
01:11:59,516 --> 01:12:01,040
So?
1309
01:12:01,084 --> 01:12:02,278
Are you going
to say your lines?
1310
01:12:02,319 --> 01:12:03,377
I just forgot my line.
1311
01:12:03,420 --> 01:12:05,081
Cut.
1312
01:12:05,121 --> 01:12:08,887
♪ When it doesn't
shine down on anyone. ♪
1313
01:12:08,925 --> 01:12:10,586
I know what
I'm talking about.
1314
01:12:10,627 --> 01:12:11,627
Dominic.
1315
01:12:14,431 --> 01:12:15,989
Don't disappear
like that.
1316
01:12:16,032 --> 01:12:19,433
♪ A good day. ♪
1317
01:12:19,469 --> 01:12:21,494
♪ A good day,
a good day. ♪
1318
01:12:21,538 --> 01:12:23,130
Well, did you hear
the message?
1319
01:12:23,173 --> 01:12:24,333
Yeah.
1320
01:12:25,575 --> 01:12:26,575
The guy's got-
1321
01:12:29,412 --> 01:12:30,936
Cut.
1322
01:12:30,980 --> 01:12:32,242
Yeah, I don't want
to do anything
1323
01:12:32,282 --> 01:12:34,477
that's going
to-f-f-f-fuck.
1324
01:12:34,517 --> 01:12:35,517
Cut.
1325
01:12:35,552 --> 01:12:36,576
Dominic?
1326
01:12:39,222 --> 01:12:40,712
Rub something.
1327
01:12:44,260 --> 01:12:45,557
Take two.
1328
01:12:45,595 --> 01:12:47,586
Mom, what difference
does it make if he's not-
1329
01:12:47,630 --> 01:12:49,063
what's the difference
if he's not-
1330
01:12:50,834 --> 01:12:51,994
what difference
does it make?
1331
01:12:52,035 --> 01:12:53,332
And action.
1332
01:12:53,370 --> 01:12:54,370
What-oh.
1333
01:12:55,372 --> 01:12:56,634
Then you just move in.
1334
01:12:56,673 --> 01:12:57,833
Then you just get married.
1335
01:12:57,874 --> 01:12:59,637
And then you start arguing
over holidays,
1336
01:12:59,676 --> 01:13:01,337
and you-and you have-
1337
01:13:01,378 --> 01:13:05,678
It's very important that
you get to be-mother's fuck.
1338
01:13:10,053 --> 01:13:11,281
And cut.
1339
01:13:17,260 --> 01:13:18,260
And cut.
1340
01:13:19,829 --> 01:13:22,957
Can I get another
martini for...
1341
01:13:25,001 --> 01:13:26,400
Want to come home
with me?
1342
01:13:26,436 --> 01:13:28,028
Yeah-oof!
1343
01:13:28,071 --> 01:13:29,629
Oop! Oop!
1344
01:13:29,672 --> 01:13:30,798
Yeah.
1345
01:13:30,840 --> 01:13:32,467
Whoop!
1346
01:13:34,444 --> 01:13:35,444
And cut.
1347
01:13:35,445 --> 01:13:36,935
That's good.
1348
01:13:36,980 --> 01:13:39,141
Slowly-oh, shit.
1349
01:13:39,182 --> 01:13:40,615
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
1350
01:13:40,650 --> 01:13:44,552
♪ Woman, your smile's
so bright. ♪
1351
01:13:44,587 --> 01:13:47,613
♪ You always make it. ♪
1352
01:13:47,657 --> 01:13:49,716
All right
or a little more?
1353
01:13:50,760 --> 01:13:51,760
Back and forth?
1354
01:13:51,761 --> 01:13:52,989
Yeah.
1355
01:13:53,029 --> 01:13:54,029
How's that?
1356
01:13:54,030 --> 01:13:55,030
Yeah, okay.
1357
01:13:56,132 --> 01:13:57,132
And do it again.
1358
01:13:57,167 --> 01:13:58,167
Lighting here.
1359
01:13:59,836 --> 01:14:01,360
Getting a good laugh?
1360
01:14:01,404 --> 01:14:02,404
Mmm.
1361
01:14:06,409 --> 01:14:07,569
I don't want
to do anything
1362
01:14:07,610 --> 01:14:09,339
that's going to make me
h-hate myself later.
1363
01:14:09,379 --> 01:14:10,379
I don't see-
sorry.
1364
01:14:10,380 --> 01:14:11,677
I don't-
I fucked up.
1365
01:14:13,216 --> 01:14:14,216
I feel faint.
1366
01:14:14,217 --> 01:14:15,217
Oh, boy.
1367
01:14:16,219 --> 01:14:17,413
Oh, ooh!
1368
01:14:20,824 --> 01:14:21,824
Take one.
1369
01:14:21,825 --> 01:14:22,825
God, that's great.
1370
01:14:22,826 --> 01:14:24,259
Ow!
1371
01:14:24,294 --> 01:14:25,886
Phew!
1372
01:14:25,929 --> 01:14:27,760
Ow.
1373
01:14:27,797 --> 01:14:28,797
Fuck!
1374
01:14:29,799 --> 01:14:30,823
31.
1375
01:14:30,867 --> 01:14:32,266
Oh!
1376
01:14:32,302 --> 01:14:35,328
You bit me,
you bitch.
1377
01:14:39,008 --> 01:14:40,373
Get the fuck away.
1378
01:14:40,410 --> 01:14:41,502
Cut,; great.
1378
01:14:42,305 --> 01:15:42,498
102309
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