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[Justin Bieber's
All Around the World]
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00:00:20,103 --> 00:00:23,000
♪ All around the world
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00:00:23,103 --> 00:00:24,862
♪
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00:00:24,965 --> 00:00:27,689
[male announcer]
This is The Comedy Central Roast
of Justin Bieber.
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00:00:27,793 --> 00:00:31,551
♪ All around the world
people want to be loved ♪
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00:00:31,655 --> 00:00:35,379
With your roastmaster,
Kevin Hart,
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00:00:35,482 --> 00:00:38,793
and starring
Shaquille O'Neal,
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00:00:38,896 --> 00:00:42,137
Jeff Ross,
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00:00:42,241 --> 00:00:44,344
Natasha Leggero,
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00:00:44,448 --> 00:00:46,655
Chris D'Elia,
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00:00:46,758 --> 00:00:50,931
Pete Davidson,
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00:00:51,034 --> 00:00:53,275
Snoop Dogg,
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00:00:53,379 --> 00:00:57,586
Ludacris,
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00:00:57,689 --> 00:01:00,275
Martha Stewart,
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00:01:00,379 --> 00:01:01,689
and Hannibal Buress.
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00:01:01,793 --> 00:01:06,068
♪ All around the world
people want to be loved ♪
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00:01:06,172 --> 00:01:08,758
♪
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00:01:08,862 --> 00:01:14,172
♪ All around the world
they're no different than us ♪
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00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:17,965
♪
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00:01:18,068 --> 00:01:21,241
The Comedy Central Roast
of Justin Bieber.
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00:01:23,103 --> 00:01:27,137
And now, please welcome
your roastmaster, Kevin Hart.
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00:01:27,241 --> 00:01:31,793
[cheers and applause]
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00:01:31,896 --> 00:01:37,689
All right, hey.
Y'all better clap.
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00:01:39,689 --> 00:01:40,689
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
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00:01:40,793 --> 00:01:43,206
my name is Kevin Hart,
and welcome
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00:01:43,310 --> 00:01:47,551
to The Comedy Central Roast
of Justin Bieber.
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00:01:47,655 --> 00:01:49,310
Here's the thing,
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00:01:49,413 --> 00:01:52,448
Justin Bieber has
tens of millions of fans.
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00:01:52,551 --> 00:01:55,206
I mean, most of them
are either in middle schools
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00:01:55,310 --> 00:01:58,172
or standing at least
500 feet away from one.
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00:01:58,275 --> 00:02:01,103
I mean...
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00:02:01,206 --> 00:02:03,758
It's the truth. I'm not saying
anything that's not the truth.
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00:02:03,862 --> 00:02:05,931
He's a worldwide superstar.
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00:02:06,034 --> 00:02:07,655
There's even
a wax figure of Justin
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00:02:07,758 --> 00:02:09,448
at Madame Tussauds
in London.
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00:02:09,551 --> 00:02:11,310
It's incredibly lifelike.
I've seen it.
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00:02:11,413 --> 00:02:13,724
He's face down
in a wax Usher's lap.
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00:02:13,827 --> 00:02:16,068
It's--it's weird.
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00:02:16,172 --> 00:02:19,482
That's a dick sucking joke.
We off to a start.
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00:02:19,586 --> 00:02:21,103
Yeah.
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00:02:21,206 --> 00:02:24,344
It's gonna get dirty tonight.
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00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:26,413
Tonight--Here's the thing.
Tonight we're gonna do
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00:02:26,517 --> 00:02:27,758
what his parents
and the legal system
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00:02:27,862 --> 00:02:30,448
should have done
a long time ago.
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00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,931
We're about to give this boy
a ass-whupping that he deserves.
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We are.
We are!
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00:02:37,206 --> 00:02:39,413
Why invite me if you
don't want it to get ugly?
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00:02:39,517 --> 00:02:40,862
I don't understand that.
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00:02:40,965 --> 00:02:42,965
I mean, come on,
we got the right dais to do it.
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We got Ludacris.
We got my man Snoop Dogg, Shaq.
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This is crazy.
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00:02:49,241 --> 00:02:51,586
Usually, when I see this many
brothers sitting together,
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00:02:51,689 --> 00:02:53,517
Maury Povich is about to open
an envelope.
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00:02:53,620 --> 00:02:56,275
I've never seen
anything like it.
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00:02:56,379 --> 00:02:58,379
Shaq, take that dumbass look
off your face.
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You look stupid.
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00:03:04,827 --> 00:03:06,862
Here's my question.
Shaq, how did you even
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00:03:06,965 --> 00:03:09,620
end up on a roast?
That's what I want to know.
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00:03:09,724 --> 00:03:11,551
They must've called up
the NBA pregame show
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00:03:11,655 --> 00:03:15,758
and said, "You know what?
Send us the third funniest guy.
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"Wait, he's not available?
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Send us Shaq.
Let us get Shaq then."
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00:03:21,689 --> 00:03:24,724
My man Snoop Dogg is here.
There he is.
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Yeah.
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Wait, wait,
let me clear something up
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for all the young people
here tonight.
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Snoop Dogg is a rapper.
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Yeah, that's my aunt's
favorite rapper.
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You know--
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00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:43,689
For all the black people
that are confused
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00:03:43,793 --> 00:03:45,310
about that old white woman
on the couch,
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00:03:45,413 --> 00:03:49,206
that's Martha Stewart.
Yeah, right there.
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00:03:49,310 --> 00:03:52,482
That's Martha Stewart
right there.
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00:03:52,586 --> 00:03:55,689
Martha, do me a favor and put
your ankle bracelet on vibrate
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00:03:55,793 --> 00:03:59,655
so we don't have no problems
during the show.
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00:04:02,620 --> 00:04:03,793
But, Martha,
understand something.
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00:04:03,896 --> 00:04:05,448
Tonight, it's about
another blond bitch.
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It's about Justin Bieber.
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That's who we're talking about
tonight.
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00:04:09,034 --> 00:04:10,310
That's who we're talking
about tonight.
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So now, why don't we do this.
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Why don't we go and take a look
at his huge success
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00:04:13,724 --> 00:04:16,000
that confuses everyone
over the age 14.
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Roll security footage
right now.
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00:04:18,655 --> 00:04:22,413
Our next guest has
a mind-boggling 80 million views
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on YouTube,
and he's only 15 years old.
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♪ And I was like,
baby, baby, baby, oh ♪
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♪ Like, I thought
you'd always be mine ♪
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♪ I'm gone
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00:04:34,103 --> 00:04:35,275
That's how you do it.
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00:04:35,379 --> 00:04:37,241
♪ Find me somebody to love
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[female news reporter]
Justin Bieber is one of
the biggest
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pop stars on the planet.
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[Drake]
Now I'd like you to welcome
my brother to the stage.
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He goes by the name
of Justin Bieber.
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00:04:43,310 --> 00:04:45,241
- Justin Bieber.
- Justin Bieber.
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[Justin]
I love you so much.
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[police siren blaring]
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[female news reporter]
Speeding down the 101 freeway,
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pop star Justin Bieber
was stopped by police.
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[male news reporter]
The Boyfriendsinger
had just returned home
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from an overseas concert tour
when he began racing his Ferrari
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through the streets.
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♪ If I was your boyfriend
I'd never let you go ♪
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00:05:03,620 --> 00:05:06,379
[girl] I think about him
99% of my life.
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00:05:06,482 --> 00:05:08,137
I saw him in the car.
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00:05:08,241 --> 00:05:09,137
That was the most amazing
moment of my life.
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00:05:09,241 --> 00:05:10,689
Best moment of my life!
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00:05:10,793 --> 00:05:13,000
Justin Bieber said
that he hoped Anne Frank
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00:05:13,103 --> 00:05:14,310
would have been
a Belieber.
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That's right,
I didn't make that up.
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I couldn't have made that up.
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♪ If I was your boyfriend
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Ow.
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[female news reporter]
Bieber could face
battery charges
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00:05:25,103 --> 00:05:27,448
after a physical altercation
with a photographer.
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00:05:27,551 --> 00:05:28,448
What the [bleep] you say?
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00:05:28,551 --> 00:05:29,758
[man]
You watch it, man.
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00:05:29,862 --> 00:05:30,827
- What'd you say?
[man] You are [indistinct].
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00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:32,448
I'll beat the [bleep]
out of you.
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00:05:32,551 --> 00:05:33,758
[male news reporter]
He was accused of throwing eggs
at this mansion,
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00:05:33,862 --> 00:05:36,068
causing $20,000 in damage.
125
00:05:36,172 --> 00:05:38,931
Were they Fabergé eggs?
What did you throw?
126
00:05:39,034 --> 00:05:40,137
Whoo!
127
00:05:42,379 --> 00:05:44,344
[female news reporter]
Bieber is facing
multiple charges
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00:05:44,448 --> 00:05:46,517
after a wild night
in Miami Beach.
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00:05:46,620 --> 00:05:49,551
DUI alcohol or drugs,
resisting without violence,
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00:05:49,655 --> 00:05:51,724
driving with an expired
driver's license.
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00:05:51,827 --> 00:05:53,724
You're too young
to be smoking pot
132
00:05:53,827 --> 00:05:57,034
and driving up and down
the highway fast!
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00:05:57,137 --> 00:05:58,137
What are you doing?
134
00:05:58,241 --> 00:06:00,206
- Ah!
- What are you doing?
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00:06:00,310 --> 00:06:01,724
Whoo!
136
00:06:01,827 --> 00:06:04,034
I've done some things that might
not have been the greatest.
137
00:06:04,137 --> 00:06:05,586
- Really? Nothing comes to mind.
- I know, right?
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00:06:05,689 --> 00:06:07,862
I don't know what
you're talking about.
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00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:12,724
[man]
Justin Bieber has become
the new face--
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00:06:12,827 --> 00:06:15,724
or should we say body--
of Calvin Klein.
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00:06:17,275 --> 00:06:20,068
Yo, my pee-pee's in there.
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00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:24,172
♪ As long as you love
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00:06:24,275 --> 00:06:26,793
The fanfare of what he is
as a celebrity
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00:06:26,896 --> 00:06:30,379
is only partial to what he
ultimately will be as an artist.
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00:06:30,482 --> 00:06:32,206
[Justin]
This is not the end
of Justin Bieber.
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00:06:32,310 --> 00:06:35,068
♪ As long as you love me
147
00:06:35,172 --> 00:06:39,241
[cheers and applause]
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00:06:39,344 --> 00:06:43,448
Tonight--tonight, we're
going to talk about redemption.
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00:06:43,551 --> 00:06:45,068
[gospel organ playing]
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00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:49,068
We're going to talk about
second chances and third chances
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00:06:49,172 --> 00:06:51,344
and 15th chances.
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00:06:51,448 --> 00:06:53,965
Sometimes it can be
hard to believe,
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00:06:54,068 --> 00:06:56,620
but I'm not asking you all
to believe.
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00:06:56,724 --> 00:07:01,137
I'm asking you to "beliebe."
Yes, yes.
155
00:07:01,241 --> 00:07:02,758
I'm asking you
to "beliebe" in a man
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00:07:02,862 --> 00:07:05,965
with the voice
of Stevie Wonder
157
00:07:06,068 --> 00:07:09,103
and the driving skills
of Stevie Wonder.
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00:07:10,689 --> 00:07:15,275
My question to the church is,
"Are you ready to beliebe?"
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00:07:15,379 --> 00:07:17,206
[cheers and applause]
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00:07:17,310 --> 00:07:18,862
No.
No, no, no.
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00:07:18,965 --> 00:07:21,137
I'll ask again.
I said,
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00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:23,379
"Are you ready to beliebe?"
163
00:07:23,482 --> 00:07:26,758
[crowd cheering]
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00:07:26,862 --> 00:07:30,655
Are you ready
to become Beliebers?
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00:07:30,758 --> 00:07:32,586
[crowd cheering]
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00:07:32,689 --> 00:07:36,068
Then, ladies and gentlemen,
Justin Bieber.
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00:07:36,172 --> 00:07:39,068
[gospel music]
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00:07:39,172 --> 00:07:43,517
♪
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00:07:43,620 --> 00:07:44,965
[all] ♪ Got to Beliebe
[Kevin] Yeah.
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00:07:45,068 --> 00:07:48,241
♪ Got to Beliebe
He's gonna make a Belieber ♪
171
00:07:48,344 --> 00:07:50,206
♪ A Belieber out of me
- Yes!
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00:07:50,310 --> 00:07:52,620
♪ When you Beliebe
When you Beliebe ♪
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00:07:52,724 --> 00:07:56,068
♪ You will be down, way down,
on your bendin' knee ♪
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00:07:56,172 --> 00:07:57,793
♪ I'm gonna be a Belieber
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00:07:57,896 --> 00:07:59,965
♪ Till the day I die
[Kevin] Yeah.
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00:08:00,068 --> 00:08:02,827
♪ Shout "I beliebe"
from the mountain high ♪
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00:08:02,931 --> 00:08:03,931
[Kevin] Hey.
178
00:08:04,034 --> 00:08:05,413
♪ Got to Beliebe.
[Kevin] Hey.
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00:08:05,517 --> 00:08:08,103
♪ Got to Beliebe
He's gonna make a Belieber ♪
180
00:08:08,206 --> 00:08:10,172
♪ A Belieber out of me
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00:08:10,275 --> 00:08:12,344
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
182
00:08:12,448 --> 00:08:16,241
Oh, shit.
We killed the white boy.
183
00:08:16,344 --> 00:08:18,620
The white--
Watch out. Watch out!
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00:08:18,724 --> 00:08:20,310
Let me through.
Jesus, no.
185
00:08:20,413 --> 00:08:21,482
[woman]
Oh!
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00:08:21,586 --> 00:08:23,586
[Kevin]
Not like this.
187
00:08:23,689 --> 00:08:25,965
Wait, wait.
He's moving! He's moving!
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00:08:26,068 --> 00:08:28,034
[all cheering]
[gospel music]
189
00:08:28,137 --> 00:08:30,931
[all]
♪ He's still alive,
We thought he died ♪
190
00:08:31,034 --> 00:08:34,655
♪ You can't kill Justin Bieber
no matter what you try ♪
191
00:08:34,758 --> 00:08:37,655
♪ It's time to go
on with the show ♪
192
00:08:37,758 --> 00:08:39,068
♪ But you got to--
Got to Belie-e-ebe ♪
193
00:08:39,172 --> 00:08:40,862
Yeah.
Come on.
194
00:08:40,965 --> 00:08:48,965
♪
195
00:08:51,827 --> 00:08:55,241
Yeah, oh.
Justin Bieber, everybody.
196
00:08:55,344 --> 00:08:57,448
[cheers and applause]
197
00:08:57,551 --> 00:09:01,137
[Kevin]
Nice. How you doing?
198
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:02,448
[Kevin] You're good?
- Yep.
199
00:09:02,551 --> 00:09:04,103
That's good.
I'm glad that you're good.
200
00:09:04,206 --> 00:09:05,620
- All right.
- Here's the thing.
201
00:09:05,724 --> 00:09:08,172
Before we get off
to any roasting and any digging,
202
00:09:08,275 --> 00:09:09,517
I want everybody
to understand this,
203
00:09:09,620 --> 00:09:12,137
Justin Bieber really does
have it all.
204
00:09:12,241 --> 00:09:14,275
I'm serious.
He has a dick and a pussy.
205
00:09:14,379 --> 00:09:17,344
Justin, stand up.
Pop that thing one time.
206
00:09:17,448 --> 00:09:19,172
Show 'em. Give 'em
that hermaphrodite twerk
207
00:09:19,275 --> 00:09:20,620
one time.
208
00:09:20,724 --> 00:09:23,310
I've seen it.
No? No?
209
00:09:23,413 --> 00:09:25,793
Let's be honest.
Justin, you made a few mistakes.
210
00:09:25,896 --> 00:09:29,068
You're not perfect.
He's done some things.
211
00:09:29,172 --> 00:09:34,241
Dude, you got caught peeing
on a video in a mop bucket.
212
00:09:34,344 --> 00:09:35,965
Why are these idiots
who work for you
213
00:09:36,068 --> 00:09:38,206
taping you pissing?
That's what I don't understand.
214
00:09:38,310 --> 00:09:40,103
Like, when someone's
filming you taking a piss,
215
00:09:40,206 --> 00:09:41,689
if you don't want them
to tape you,
216
00:09:41,793 --> 00:09:44,793
you turn around, you say,
"Turn the Goddamn camera off,"
217
00:09:44,896 --> 00:09:46,896
unless it's mandatory
like Snoop pissing
218
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,551
in front of his parole officer.
That's different, Snoop.
219
00:09:49,655 --> 00:09:50,689
That guy's got to see
your dick.
220
00:09:50,793 --> 00:09:52,620
I get it.
Don't worry about it.
221
00:09:52,724 --> 00:09:56,448
That's a criminal joke to Snoop
'cause he's been to jail.
222
00:09:59,241 --> 00:10:00,620
You were on the cover
of Men's Health.
223
00:10:00,724 --> 00:10:01,758
He's getting
a lot of slack
224
00:10:01,862 --> 00:10:02,896
for taking his shirt off
all the time.
225
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,379
I don't get it.
I don't understand that.
226
00:10:04,482 --> 00:10:05,655
Justin, let me
tell you something, man.
227
00:10:05,758 --> 00:10:07,724
Okay, if you can take
your shirt off, you do it.
228
00:10:07,827 --> 00:10:10,034
You do it as much
as you Goddamn can.
229
00:10:10,137 --> 00:10:11,620
Seriously.
Look at Shaq--Shaq--
230
00:10:11,724 --> 00:10:14,689
Shaq hasn't taken his shirt off
since high school, okay?
231
00:10:14,793 --> 00:10:18,793
That's a true story.
That's a true story right there.
232
00:10:18,896 --> 00:10:21,310
Jeff Ross hasn't taken
his shirt off since preschool.
233
00:10:21,413 --> 00:10:23,655
True story.
234
00:10:23,758 --> 00:10:27,034
Martha Stewart had her shirt off
in my dressing room.
235
00:10:27,137 --> 00:10:30,793
Stop, stop, stop.
Don't get the wrong idea.
236
00:10:30,896 --> 00:10:32,482
She just wanted me
to titty fuck her!
237
00:10:32,586 --> 00:10:36,206
Yeah!
238
00:10:36,310 --> 00:10:38,862
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Stop.
239
00:10:38,965 --> 00:10:40,379
I'm just trying
to loosen y'all up.
240
00:10:40,482 --> 00:10:42,172
I'm sorry.
241
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:44,137
Martha, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
242
00:10:44,241 --> 00:10:46,931
Is that gonna affect me getting
free sheets after this, Martha?
243
00:10:47,034 --> 00:10:48,344
Please.
244
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:50,758
I messed up my chance
of getting free sheets,
245
00:10:50,862 --> 00:10:53,413
Goddamn it, Kevin.
246
00:10:53,517 --> 00:10:55,206
Me personally, I'm not mad.
247
00:10:55,310 --> 00:10:56,931
I'm not mad at Justin.
I'm not.
248
00:10:57,034 --> 00:10:58,137
I'm gonna tell you
who I'm mad at.
249
00:10:58,241 --> 00:10:59,551
I'm mad at his manager.
250
00:10:59,655 --> 00:11:01,413
You, Scooter.
That's right.
251
00:11:01,517 --> 00:11:03,551
Scooter Braun right there.
252
00:11:03,655 --> 00:11:07,172
Scooter is the man that actually
discovered Justin Bieber.
253
00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:10,000
Scooter Braun was
25 years old.
254
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:12,620
He was a single man
living in Atlanta alone
255
00:11:12,724 --> 00:11:15,034
when he found Justin Bieber
on the Internet
256
00:11:15,137 --> 00:11:19,758
in the middle of the night.
The middle of the night!
257
00:11:19,862 --> 00:11:24,655
He found a little white boy
with nice hair on the Internet.
258
00:11:24,758 --> 00:11:27,206
Sounds to me like Scooter was
fresh off a dick-beating session
259
00:11:27,310 --> 00:11:31,000
if you ask me.
260
00:11:31,103 --> 00:11:32,620
Now, I don't know
where Chris Hansen is,
261
00:11:32,724 --> 00:11:35,034
but he missed one.
262
00:11:35,137 --> 00:11:36,896
That's a Goddamn predator
if I've ever seen one
263
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,724
right there.
264
00:11:39,827 --> 00:11:41,931
Now, Justin, unfortunately,
Selena Gomez,
265
00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:43,103
she couldn't be here tonight.
266
00:11:43,206 --> 00:11:44,655
[audience "awws"]
267
00:11:44,758 --> 00:11:47,172
No, she couldn't.
She couldn't...
268
00:11:47,275 --> 00:11:48,793
Just because
she didn't want to come.
269
00:11:48,896 --> 00:11:51,034
There's no reason.
She just didn't want to--
270
00:11:51,137 --> 00:11:52,793
She didn't want to be here.
271
00:11:52,896 --> 00:11:57,000
I wish I had something better
to tell you, but I don't.
272
00:11:57,103 --> 00:11:59,827
No, Selena got word
that there was rumors
273
00:11:59,931 --> 00:12:01,965
of Justin dealing
with Kendall Jenner,
274
00:12:02,068 --> 00:12:05,000
and that shocked me.
I was like, "What the fuck?"
275
00:12:05,103 --> 00:12:07,931
That's what I said.
"What the fuck?"
276
00:12:08,034 --> 00:12:09,344
I was like, "If you're gonna
deal with a Jenner,
277
00:12:09,448 --> 00:12:11,137
I thought it would be Bruce."
That's what I thought.
278
00:12:11,241 --> 00:12:12,517
If it was--
279
00:12:12,620 --> 00:12:14,068
Just one. I'm sorry.
That's the only one.
280
00:12:14,172 --> 00:12:16,344
I swear to God, guys,
no more.
281
00:12:16,448 --> 00:12:17,931
It's no secret that Justin
wants to be black.
282
00:12:18,034 --> 00:12:20,275
Can we all agree on that?
Justin loves the black culture.
283
00:12:20,379 --> 00:12:22,206
Everybody knows that.
284
00:12:22,310 --> 00:12:23,793
My thing is this,
Justin, I just want you
285
00:12:23,896 --> 00:12:26,103
to come to terms with the fact
that you're not gangster.
286
00:12:26,206 --> 00:12:28,241
That's Justin's
main problem, man.
287
00:12:28,344 --> 00:12:31,034
You're not a gangster!
Accept that.
288
00:12:31,137 --> 00:12:32,655
I mean, come on.
Orlando Bloom took a swing
289
00:12:32,758 --> 00:12:35,448
at you.
That's not gangster, Justin.
290
00:12:35,551 --> 00:12:37,793
It's not!
291
00:12:37,896 --> 00:12:39,827
He's got a perfume
called "Girlfriend."
292
00:12:39,931 --> 00:12:44,344
That's not gangster, Justin.
293
00:12:44,448 --> 00:12:46,413
You threw eggs at a house.
294
00:12:46,517 --> 00:12:48,206
Gangsters don't throw
fucking eggs!
295
00:12:48,310 --> 00:12:49,862
Snoop, when the last time
you threw eggs
296
00:12:49,965 --> 00:12:52,827
at somebody's Goddamn house?
297
00:12:55,241 --> 00:13:00,034
We don't do that!
It's not gangster!
298
00:13:00,137 --> 00:13:03,724
Justin--Justin sang the N-word
on a video
299
00:13:03,827 --> 00:13:07,758
in a song that was
about killing black people!
300
00:13:07,862 --> 00:13:11,103
That's pretty Goddamn gangster,
Justin, I'ma give you that.
301
00:13:11,206 --> 00:13:13,896
That's as gangster as you get
right there.
302
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:15,137
He actually got
in a lot of trouble
303
00:13:15,241 --> 00:13:17,068
when he got caught
saying the N-word on video.
304
00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:19,758
That right there, that should
make you feel stupid.
305
00:13:19,862 --> 00:13:21,137
Reason why I say that,
306
00:13:21,241 --> 00:13:22,586
because you know who didn't
get caught, Justin?
307
00:13:22,689 --> 00:13:24,068
The billion other white people
308
00:13:24,172 --> 00:13:25,896
that say the N-word
every Goddamn day.
309
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,586
I'm talking about you, Martha.
I know you say it.
310
00:13:29,689 --> 00:13:32,103
You probably thinking it
right now.
311
00:13:32,206 --> 00:13:33,931
"Look at--Look at that
little nigga up there
312
00:13:34,034 --> 00:13:38,379
"in his little nigga tux.
313
00:13:38,482 --> 00:13:41,413
"With his little nigga shoes.
Look at him,
314
00:13:41,517 --> 00:13:46,827
up there dancing."
315
00:13:46,931 --> 00:13:49,758
Thankfully,
Justin avoided the usual--
316
00:13:49,862 --> 00:13:53,068
I guess you could say,
former childhood mistakes.
317
00:13:53,172 --> 00:13:54,896
You know, he hasn't had
a sex tape.
318
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,896
That's good for you.
319
00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,275
He hasn't killed anyone.
You haven't bought a monkey.
320
00:14:00,379 --> 00:14:03,344
Oh, shit, you did.
You bought a monkey.
321
00:14:03,448 --> 00:14:05,275
And you abandoned the monkey
in Germany.
322
00:14:05,379 --> 00:14:07,068
What the fuck was that?
323
00:14:07,172 --> 00:14:09,862
Like, you abandoned a monkey
in Germany.
324
00:14:09,965 --> 00:14:12,689
That was a privileged
Beverly Hills monkey.
325
00:14:12,793 --> 00:14:14,689
You showed him
your lifestyle,
326
00:14:14,793 --> 00:14:17,655
and then you
dropped him off in Germany?
327
00:14:17,758 --> 00:14:19,965
Now that monkey's turned out
in a Goddamn German zoo
328
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:24,310
sucking rhino dick
'cause of your bad decision.
329
00:14:24,413 --> 00:14:25,965
It's not about the monkey
tonight.
330
00:14:26,068 --> 00:14:27,310
It's about you, Justin.
What I want you to do,
331
00:14:27,413 --> 00:14:28,931
I want you to sit back,
relax,
332
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:30,689
'cause it's gonna be
a great night, man--
333
00:14:30,793 --> 00:14:32,103
Not for you,
for everybody else.
334
00:14:32,206 --> 00:14:34,379
We're gonna have a blast.
335
00:14:34,482 --> 00:14:36,275
It's on!
You hear me, people?
336
00:14:36,379 --> 00:14:39,206
It is on!
337
00:14:39,310 --> 00:14:41,413
[announcer] Coming up...
- Cameras are here, Jay, go!
338
00:14:41,517 --> 00:14:43,965
[announcer] Natasha Leggero...
- I'm about to kill it.
339
00:14:44,068 --> 00:14:46,034
[announcer] Pete Davidson,
Shaquille O'Neal...
340
00:14:46,137 --> 00:14:47,931
- Full roast mode, baby.
[announcer] Jeff Ross...
341
00:14:48,034 --> 00:14:49,344
- Getting in character.
- I'm ready.
342
00:14:49,448 --> 00:14:50,931
[announcer] Chris D'Elia.
- Is Ludacris ready
343
00:14:51,034 --> 00:14:53,310
- is what I want to know.
- I'm 100% prepared.
344
00:14:53,413 --> 00:14:55,551
[announcer] Hannibal Buress,
Martha Stewart,
345
00:14:55,655 --> 00:14:57,068
and Snoop Dogg.
- Naughty, naughty, naughty,
346
00:14:57,172 --> 00:14:59,379
naughty.
347
00:14:59,482 --> 00:15:02,034
[announcer] When The Roast of
Justin Biebercontinues.
348
00:15:04,448 --> 00:15:06,482
[techno music]
349
00:15:06,586 --> 00:15:08,482
Are y'all ready to have
a good time tonight?
350
00:15:08,586 --> 00:15:09,862
[cheers and applause]
351
00:15:09,965 --> 00:15:12,000
That's what I want to hear.
352
00:15:12,103 --> 00:15:15,620
Okay, our first roaster
is Pete Davidson.
353
00:15:15,724 --> 00:15:18,448
Now, he's the newest member
of Saturday Night Live.
354
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:23,000
This introduction is way longer
than his Wikipedia page.
355
00:15:23,103 --> 00:15:27,965
Guy from New York,
it's Pete Davidson.
356
00:15:28,068 --> 00:15:30,965
[techno music]
357
00:15:31,068 --> 00:15:35,137
♪
358
00:15:35,241 --> 00:15:36,931
Thank you.
359
00:15:37,034 --> 00:15:40,965
It's an honor to be at a roast
hosted by Shaq's dick.
360
00:15:48,103 --> 00:15:51,862
Wow. Wow, Ludacris
and Snoop Dogg are here.
361
00:15:51,965 --> 00:15:56,310
If I was 38,
I'd be freaking out right now.
362
00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:03,482
Kev, I loved you
as black Annie.
363
00:16:03,586 --> 00:16:04,724
He was so good.
364
00:16:09,896 --> 00:16:12,413
Ludacris!
365
00:16:12,517 --> 00:16:15,482
I don't mean you.
I mean Jeff's career.
366
00:16:20,034 --> 00:16:21,793
No, no, I mean,
I've been watching these roasts
367
00:16:21,896 --> 00:16:25,379
since I was nine, and
what's happening to you, Jeff?
368
00:16:25,482 --> 00:16:30,931
You look like someone put
Seth Rogen in the microwave.
369
00:16:35,103 --> 00:16:37,000
Martha, it's nice to see you
370
00:16:37,103 --> 00:16:40,000
interacting with black people
for the first time since prison.
371
00:16:40,103 --> 00:16:41,758
That's really nice.
372
00:16:41,862 --> 00:16:46,310
Martha's so old, her first
period was the Renaissance.
373
00:16:50,103 --> 00:16:52,586
What's up, Ludacris?
What's up, man?
374
00:16:52,689 --> 00:16:54,206
You might know Ludacris
from your mom's
375
00:16:54,310 --> 00:16:56,206
That's What I Call MusicCD.
376
00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:06,586
Come on,
let's hear it for Shaq, right?
377
00:17:06,689 --> 00:17:08,172
[cheers and applause]
378
00:17:08,275 --> 00:17:09,689
Thanks for being here
and taking a break
379
00:17:09,793 --> 00:17:13,793
from throwing barrels
at Super Mario.
380
00:17:23,344 --> 00:17:24,655
[laughs]
381
00:17:24,758 --> 00:17:27,551
I'm sorry.
382
00:17:27,655 --> 00:17:32,103
[laughs]
Please don't eat me.
383
00:17:32,206 --> 00:17:36,413
[laughs]
I'm so afraid, you're so big.
384
00:17:36,517 --> 00:17:40,034
One of the many nicknames
that Shaq has is "Superman,"
385
00:17:40,137 --> 00:17:42,896
right, and much like Superman,
he pretends to be a reporter
386
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,931
and has never met
his real father.
387
00:17:48,758 --> 00:17:50,827
No, no, no, no.
Shaq is cool, though.
388
00:17:50,931 --> 00:17:52,827
Shaq has shattered
eight backboards
389
00:17:52,931 --> 00:17:57,000
and 79 cervixes.
390
00:18:00,862 --> 00:18:04,827
Hannibal--Hannibal Buress
is here, everybody, Hannibal.
391
00:18:04,931 --> 00:18:08,344
Hannibal, of course, is famous
for exposing Bill Cosby, right,
392
00:18:08,448 --> 00:18:12,344
and only for exposing
Bill Cosby.
393
00:18:12,448 --> 00:18:13,620
No, he deserved it though.
394
00:18:13,724 --> 00:18:15,896
Bill Cosby hurt those women
without ever caring
395
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,172
about the consequences--
396
00:18:18,275 --> 00:18:21,689
that Hannibal Buress would
become famous.
397
00:18:24,241 --> 00:18:25,413
Snoop Dogg's here.
398
00:18:25,517 --> 00:18:28,620
Snoop, I love Snoop,
you know?
399
00:18:28,724 --> 00:18:30,068
Snoop's son just got accepted
400
00:18:30,172 --> 00:18:32,931
to play division one
college football.
401
00:18:33,034 --> 00:18:38,413
Yeah. So Snoop Dogg
found out he has a son.
402
00:18:38,517 --> 00:18:40,482
And now speaking of someone
who probably doesn't know
403
00:18:40,586 --> 00:18:42,689
he has a son,
Justin Bieber is here.
404
00:18:42,793 --> 00:18:44,413
Justin--
Give it up for him.
405
00:18:44,517 --> 00:18:46,517
It really is--it's really
so cool what he's doing.
406
00:18:46,620 --> 00:18:50,724
You have no idea
how awesome this is.
407
00:18:50,827 --> 00:18:52,551
My cast-mate on SNL,
Kate McKinnon,
408
00:18:52,655 --> 00:18:55,310
does a perfect impression
of Justin.
409
00:18:55,413 --> 00:18:58,379
Perfect,
right down to the clit.
410
00:19:01,965 --> 00:19:03,551
Justin has a lot of tattoos.
411
00:19:03,655 --> 00:19:05,620
You have "patience" tattooed
on your neck,
412
00:19:05,724 --> 00:19:08,689
and "this doesn't count"
right above his asshole.
413
00:19:12,620 --> 00:19:17,931
No, no, no, but Justin's fucked
more models than bulimia.
414
00:19:18,034 --> 00:19:21,689
He's the only thing they swallow
and don't throw back up.
415
00:19:23,379 --> 00:19:26,103
Justin, you know,
I lost my dad on 9/11,
416
00:19:26,206 --> 00:19:28,931
and I always regretted
growing up without a dad,
417
00:19:29,034 --> 00:19:31,241
until I met your dad,
Justin.
418
00:19:31,344 --> 00:19:34,310
Now I'm glad mine's dead.
419
00:19:36,965 --> 00:19:38,827
And now for the greatest
transition
420
00:19:38,931 --> 00:19:40,896
in the history of comedy,
421
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:45,034
two people from the movie
Soul Planeare here, right?
422
00:19:45,137 --> 00:19:47,206
[cheers and applause]
423
00:19:47,310 --> 00:19:52,137
Kevin, Snoop, Soul Planewas
the worst experience of my life
424
00:19:52,241 --> 00:19:54,862
involving a plane.
425
00:20:00,862 --> 00:20:02,551
All right, well--
No, seriously, Justin,
426
00:20:02,655 --> 00:20:04,379
I just want to say how cool
it is for you to be doing this.
427
00:20:04,482 --> 00:20:06,310
Like, you're the dude
for our generation, like,
428
00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:09,000
and it's just so cool
to see someone our age
429
00:20:09,103 --> 00:20:11,655
do exactly what he wants to do,
and you just, like,
430
00:20:11,758 --> 00:20:13,103
took over the world,
and like,
431
00:20:13,206 --> 00:20:15,344
it really is an inspiration.
This kid's fucking insane,
432
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:17,241
so thank you, bro.
433
00:20:17,344 --> 00:20:18,620
[techno music]
434
00:20:18,724 --> 00:20:19,965
[cheers and applause]
435
00:20:20,068 --> 00:20:21,379
[Pete] I've always wanted
to make fun of him
436
00:20:21,482 --> 00:20:23,482
because everybody my age
likes him
437
00:20:23,586 --> 00:20:25,586
more than they like me,
and that's not okay.
438
00:20:25,689 --> 00:20:29,275
[announcer]
Coming up, Natasha Leggero.
and Ludacris.
439
00:20:29,379 --> 00:20:31,724
Are you ready?
440
00:20:31,827 --> 00:20:34,482
[announcer]
When The Roast
of Justin Biebercontinues.
441
00:20:36,896 --> 00:20:39,793
[techno music]
442
00:20:39,896 --> 00:20:43,793
♪
443
00:20:43,896 --> 00:20:45,310
All right.
444
00:20:45,413 --> 00:20:48,517
Our next roaster is
a semi-famous rapper.
445
00:20:48,620 --> 00:20:50,068
I'm talking about Ludacris.
446
00:20:50,172 --> 00:20:52,931
His first album was called
Incognegro,
447
00:20:53,034 --> 00:20:56,655
and his new album, Ludaverse,
is hopefully his last.
448
00:20:56,758 --> 00:20:59,034
You may not recognize him
from the Fast and Furiousmovies
449
00:20:59,137 --> 00:21:00,448
because when he's on-screen,
450
00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:04,793
even the white people
start talking.
451
00:21:04,896 --> 00:21:09,000
Please welcome one of the most
successful rappers of 2001,
452
00:21:09,103 --> 00:21:10,000
Ludacris!
453
00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:11,413
[Ludacris' Money Maker]
454
00:21:11,517 --> 00:21:13,034
♪ Shake your money maker
Like somebody about to pay you ♪
455
00:21:13,137 --> 00:21:14,344
♪ I see you on my radar
456
00:21:14,448 --> 00:21:16,310
♪ Don't you act
like you afraid of Shh... ♪
457
00:21:16,413 --> 00:21:18,586
♪ You know I got it
If you want it, come get it ♪
458
00:21:18,689 --> 00:21:20,379
♪ Stand next to this money
Like hey hey hey ♪
459
00:21:20,482 --> 00:21:22,551
Oh, man.
Whoo.
460
00:21:22,655 --> 00:21:24,620
Make some noise for Kevin Hart,
ladies and gentlemen.
461
00:21:24,724 --> 00:21:26,413
Thank you.
462
00:21:26,517 --> 00:21:28,137
[cheers and applause]
463
00:21:28,241 --> 00:21:31,172
I just recently got married.
That's something to celebrate.
464
00:21:34,793 --> 00:21:36,482
And Kevin was at my wedding
because I needed
465
00:21:36,586 --> 00:21:38,034
a miniature black man
on my cake,
466
00:21:38,137 --> 00:21:41,103
so thank you for that.
467
00:21:43,655 --> 00:21:47,724
My good friend Shaquille O'Neal
is here this evening.
468
00:21:47,827 --> 00:21:49,689
[cheers and applause]
469
00:21:49,793 --> 00:21:52,517
Look at those big-ass feet.
470
00:21:52,620 --> 00:21:54,931
Man, you got toes in different
area codes right now.
471
00:21:55,034 --> 00:21:58,413
You do realize that, right?
472
00:21:58,517 --> 00:22:01,000
Shaq's fingers are so big,
every text he's ever sent
473
00:22:01,103 --> 00:22:02,758
is just every letter
of the alphabet
474
00:22:02,862 --> 00:22:06,241
at the same damn time.
475
00:22:06,344 --> 00:22:07,965
I'm just playing, Shaq,
you know.
476
00:22:08,068 --> 00:22:10,758
You are truly one
of the most original rappers.
477
00:22:10,862 --> 00:22:13,034
And by that I mean,
most of your CDs
478
00:22:13,137 --> 00:22:14,793
are still covered
in their original wrapper.
479
00:22:14,896 --> 00:22:18,379
You do--
you do know that?
480
00:22:18,482 --> 00:22:21,379
I believe the Doggfather's
in the house tonight.
481
00:22:21,482 --> 00:22:26,137
[cheers and applause]
482
00:22:26,241 --> 00:22:29,103
Snoop, your homey Dr. Dre just
became a billionaire last year,
483
00:22:29,206 --> 00:22:30,896
and you should be proud.
484
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:32,344
There's not a lot
of black billionaires.
485
00:22:32,448 --> 00:22:33,482
There's Dr. Dre
486
00:22:33,586 --> 00:22:35,310
and the guy
that sells you weed.
487
00:22:35,413 --> 00:22:37,620
Yeah.
488
00:22:39,310 --> 00:22:41,482
I mean, you are a legend,
which is a nice way of saying,
489
00:22:41,586 --> 00:22:44,586
"You old as fuck."
490
00:22:44,689 --> 00:22:46,034
You only do it
doggie style now
491
00:22:46,137 --> 00:22:49,034
because it's easier
on your lower back.
492
00:22:51,827 --> 00:22:53,275
I see you over there laughing,
Martha Stewart.
493
00:22:53,379 --> 00:22:56,000
What you laughing at, huh?
494
00:22:56,103 --> 00:22:58,344
She's so old, if you look
closely at the $100 bill,
495
00:22:58,448 --> 00:23:03,000
you can see Martha photo-bombing
Ben Franklin in the background.
496
00:23:04,241 --> 00:23:05,965
So let's get to the kid
that I've known
497
00:23:06,068 --> 00:23:09,586
longer than anybody else
up here, Mr. Justin Bieber.
498
00:23:09,689 --> 00:23:13,000
[cheers and applause]
499
00:23:13,103 --> 00:23:15,655
He may have just turned 21,
but Justin will always be
500
00:23:15,758 --> 00:23:18,137
a baby to me
since babies piss everywhere
501
00:23:18,241 --> 00:23:22,275
and never know
when to shut the fuck up.
502
00:23:22,379 --> 00:23:24,172
I remember one day,
I got this call saying,
503
00:23:24,275 --> 00:23:26,137
"We want you to collaborate
with this little dude
504
00:23:26,241 --> 00:23:27,827
who will do anything
to get famous,"
505
00:23:27,931 --> 00:23:30,620
and I was like,
"Great, I love Kevin Hart."
506
00:23:30,724 --> 00:23:36,034
You know?
That's my guy.
507
00:23:36,137 --> 00:23:40,103
But this dude turned out to be
Justin motherfucking Bieber,
508
00:23:40,206 --> 00:23:42,827
and together we dropped
a track called Baby.
509
00:23:42,931 --> 00:23:47,689
[crowd cheering]
510
00:23:47,793 --> 00:23:50,068
It's got over a billion hits
on YouTube.
511
00:23:50,172 --> 00:23:52,724
That's because I'm in it.
512
00:23:52,827 --> 00:23:54,862
It also has
4 million dislikes.
513
00:23:54,965 --> 00:23:58,793
That's because he's in it.
514
00:23:58,896 --> 00:24:00,724
It's like you try to roll
like a gangster, man,
515
00:24:00,827 --> 00:24:03,172
but you're not tough, Justin.
I'm here to let you know, man.
516
00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:07,206
I know you been on Ellen
14 times.
517
00:24:07,310 --> 00:24:08,827
You act so much like a pussy
on the show,
518
00:24:08,931 --> 00:24:12,000
Ellen tried to eat you.
I mean, come on.
519
00:24:21,793 --> 00:24:23,379
But you've become
a music icon
520
00:24:23,482 --> 00:24:25,793
like a modern day
Michael Jackson.
521
00:24:25,896 --> 00:24:28,000
The only difference is,
as Michael got older,
522
00:24:28,103 --> 00:24:31,034
he acted whiter.
523
00:24:31,137 --> 00:24:33,724
Justin Bieber wants
to be black so bad,
524
00:24:33,827 --> 00:24:36,517
he actually has seen
Kevin Hart's movies in theaters,
525
00:24:36,620 --> 00:24:39,896
ladies and gentlemen.
526
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,379
Justin, honestly, I feel bad
kicking you while you're down,
527
00:24:42,482 --> 00:24:43,793
but since you want
to be black,
528
00:24:43,896 --> 00:24:47,827
you might as well
get used to it, man.
529
00:24:47,931 --> 00:24:50,172
No, honestly, man,
it takes a very brave soul
530
00:24:50,275 --> 00:24:51,793
to get up here,
and I just want to say,
531
00:24:51,896 --> 00:24:53,241
I love you, J.B.
532
00:24:53,344 --> 00:24:55,034
I'm glad that you did this.
This is a beautiful thing.
533
00:24:55,137 --> 00:24:58,517
Y'all make some noise
for my man, Justin Bieber.
534
00:24:58,620 --> 00:25:01,689
[cheers and applause]
535
00:25:01,793 --> 00:25:04,689
[techno music]
536
00:25:04,793 --> 00:25:06,448
♪
537
00:25:06,551 --> 00:25:08,586
All right.
Hey, how about Ludacris?
538
00:25:08,689 --> 00:25:11,827
Come on, one time.
One time.
539
00:25:11,931 --> 00:25:13,068
[cheers and applause]
540
00:25:13,172 --> 00:25:14,862
Everything I know
about being a whore
541
00:25:14,965 --> 00:25:15,965
in the entertainment industry,
542
00:25:16,068 --> 00:25:18,310
I learned
from this next roaster.
543
00:25:18,413 --> 00:25:22,068
Of course I'm talking about you,
Natasha Leggero.
544
00:25:22,172 --> 00:25:26,344
You guys may have seen her
on Reno 911as a whore on drugs.
545
00:25:26,448 --> 00:25:28,137
If you didn't see that,
you may have seen her
546
00:25:28,241 --> 00:25:32,310
in Neighbors
as a whore on drugs.
547
00:25:32,413 --> 00:25:35,275
Everybody, I want you
to pull out some Purell
548
00:25:35,379 --> 00:25:38,310
for Natasha Leggero
right now.
549
00:25:38,413 --> 00:25:41,310
[cheers and applause]
550
00:25:41,413 --> 00:25:44,275
[techno music]
551
00:25:44,379 --> 00:25:48,724
♪
552
00:25:48,827 --> 00:25:54,482
Kevin, you look like someone
put 50 Cent in the dryer.
553
00:25:56,931 --> 00:26:00,068
There is a lot of star power
up here.
554
00:26:00,172 --> 00:26:02,482
These men combined
have made millions
555
00:26:02,586 --> 00:26:07,620
in child support payments.
556
00:26:07,724 --> 00:26:09,517
Kevin,
you are everywhere.
557
00:26:09,620 --> 00:26:11,310
You know, Kevin's actually
gonna be on the next season
558
00:26:11,413 --> 00:26:13,103
of Game of Thrones.
559
00:26:13,206 --> 00:26:18,586
He's playing
Peter Dinklage's shadow.
560
00:26:18,689 --> 00:26:21,689
[cheers and applause]
561
00:26:23,862 --> 00:26:25,827
Kevin does
all of his own stunts.
562
00:26:25,931 --> 00:26:27,586
He climbs into his own chair.
563
00:26:27,689 --> 00:26:31,655
He climbs
out of his own bathtub.
564
00:26:31,758 --> 00:26:34,758
He goes up on his wife.
565
00:26:39,241 --> 00:26:41,655
Kevin has a Napoleon complex.
566
00:26:41,758 --> 00:26:44,758
Kevin, Napoleon was
the leader of France.
567
00:26:44,862 --> 00:26:48,413
Ludacris,
France is in Europe.
568
00:26:48,517 --> 00:26:51,620
Justin,
Europe's a continent.
569
00:26:51,724 --> 00:26:56,068
Shaq, a continent is not
a free breakfast.
570
00:26:56,172 --> 00:26:59,137
[cheers and applause]
571
00:27:03,931 --> 00:27:05,310
You know, a lot of people
don't know this.
572
00:27:05,413 --> 00:27:08,413
"Shaquille" is an Arabic name
for "handsome,"
573
00:27:08,517 --> 00:27:12,551
and "O'Neal" is the Irish word
for "just kidding."
574
00:27:17,724 --> 00:27:19,379
Shaq's dick is so big,
575
00:27:19,482 --> 00:27:22,862
he has to use Dropbox
to send a dick pic.
576
00:27:28,034 --> 00:27:30,034
When I first met Hannibal,
I was like,
577
00:27:30,137 --> 00:27:32,068
"You are going to be a star,"
578
00:27:32,172 --> 00:27:33,827
and when I first met Kevin,
I was like,
579
00:27:33,931 --> 00:27:35,344
"No, I don't want to buy
a candy bar
580
00:27:35,448 --> 00:27:39,068
to support your local
after-school program."
581
00:27:40,965 --> 00:27:43,827
Ludacris, not only
is your music great,
582
00:27:43,931 --> 00:27:46,931
but I love all your movie.
583
00:27:50,241 --> 00:27:52,068
Jeff Ross, it's great
to see you here
584
00:27:52,172 --> 00:27:53,379
once a year at these roasts.
585
00:27:53,482 --> 00:27:56,448
How's the Uber driving
going?
586
00:27:59,896 --> 00:28:02,275
Chris D'Elia finally answers
the question,
587
00:28:02,379 --> 00:28:06,586
"What if Dane Cook had half
the talent and a rich father?"
588
00:28:12,862 --> 00:28:15,620
Sorry, let me just take a second
to explain to the black guys
589
00:28:15,724 --> 00:28:18,689
on the dais what a father is.
590
00:28:18,793 --> 00:28:21,620
All right.
591
00:28:21,724 --> 00:28:25,862
I'm excited Snoop's here.
592
00:28:25,965 --> 00:28:29,551
Snoop, you look
like Shaq's skeleton.
593
00:28:37,551 --> 00:28:41,862
[cheers and applause]
594
00:28:41,965 --> 00:28:43,896
All these rappers on stage,
595
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:47,241
and Martha Stewart has done
the most jail time.
596
00:28:47,344 --> 00:28:51,000
[cheers and applause]
597
00:28:51,103 --> 00:28:53,275
Now, that's not fair.
598
00:28:53,379 --> 00:28:57,103
Justin Bieber, everybody.
599
00:28:57,206 --> 00:28:59,310
[cheers and applause]
600
00:28:59,413 --> 00:29:02,896
Seems like only yesterday
you were discovered on YouTube.
601
00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:05,827
Time flies when you're
a piece of shit.
602
00:29:09,758 --> 00:29:12,068
No, Justin's fans
are called "Beliebers,"
603
00:29:12,172 --> 00:29:13,620
because these days,
it's considered
604
00:29:13,724 --> 00:29:17,689
politically incorrect
to use the term "retards."
605
00:29:24,586 --> 00:29:25,896
Justin,
you've been on Ellen
606
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:30,000
more than a pussy juice
moustache.
607
00:29:36,103 --> 00:29:40,068
Mine was better,
Ludacris.
608
00:29:40,172 --> 00:29:42,413
Justin was born
to a teenage single mom.
609
00:29:42,517 --> 00:29:43,758
No wonder he's got moves.
610
00:29:43,862 --> 00:29:47,413
He was in the womb
dodging a coat hanger.
611
00:29:47,517 --> 00:29:50,517
[crowd groans]
612
00:29:50,620 --> 00:29:53,896
Justin, Selena Gomez
had to fuck you.
613
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:56,758
She is literally
the least lucky Selena
614
00:29:56,862 --> 00:30:01,413
in all of entertainment
history.
615
00:30:08,862 --> 00:30:11,206
No, Justin,
you're so successful.
616
00:30:11,310 --> 00:30:14,551
You're so rich.
You're like our beetles.
617
00:30:14,655 --> 00:30:16,482
Not the band, the bugs
that live in shit.
618
00:30:16,586 --> 00:30:18,241
So...
619
00:30:18,344 --> 00:30:20,482
Justin, I just want to tell you,
I think that you are
620
00:30:20,586 --> 00:30:23,034
well on your way to becoming
a handsome, young gentleman,
621
00:30:23,137 --> 00:30:27,413
and I really think that
things are gonna get better
622
00:30:27,517 --> 00:30:30,413
after this for you,
and thank you for--
623
00:30:30,517 --> 00:30:32,862
Thank you for letting me
be here and do this.
624
00:30:32,965 --> 00:30:34,655
Thank you, Justin Bieber.
625
00:30:34,758 --> 00:30:39,137
[cheers and applause]
626
00:30:39,241 --> 00:30:40,275
[announcer]
Still to come...
627
00:30:40,379 --> 00:30:42,620
- Oh!
[announcer] Shaquille O'Neal.
628
00:30:42,724 --> 00:30:44,275
These hands are like
a junkie's back.
629
00:30:44,379 --> 00:30:45,689
[announcer]
Martha Stewart.
630
00:30:45,793 --> 00:30:48,137
I think she's got a few tricks
up her sleeve, right?
631
00:30:48,241 --> 00:30:49,137
[announcer]
Snoop Dogg.
632
00:30:49,241 --> 00:30:50,379
Stop yelling at me.
633
00:30:50,482 --> 00:30:52,206
[announcer]
Hannibal Buress,
and Jeff Ross...
634
00:30:52,310 --> 00:30:53,793
God's pissed at you.
635
00:30:53,896 --> 00:30:55,206
Bill Cosby was
his favorite comedian.
636
00:30:55,310 --> 00:30:56,896
[laughter]
637
00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:59,241
[announcer]
When the Roast of Justin Bieber
continues.
638
00:31:02,517 --> 00:31:05,965
[cheers and applause]
639
00:31:08,482 --> 00:31:10,034
First of all, I can't bring out
our next roaster
640
00:31:10,137 --> 00:31:12,482
without giving the attention
to Natasha Leggero
641
00:31:12,586 --> 00:31:14,241
that she deserves.
642
00:31:14,344 --> 00:31:16,241
Make some noise
for that Goddamn woman.
643
00:31:16,344 --> 00:31:19,586
You killed.
Killed!
644
00:31:19,689 --> 00:31:23,724
All right, our next roaster
is Shaquille O'Neal.
645
00:31:23,827 --> 00:31:26,103
[applause]
Yeah, yeah.
646
00:31:26,206 --> 00:31:29,586
He's an NBA legend
with a Doctorate of Education,
647
00:31:29,689 --> 00:31:32,482
but you wouldn't know it
by the way that he pronounces
648
00:31:32,586 --> 00:31:34,724
"Doctorate of Education."
649
00:31:34,827 --> 00:31:40,137
Everybody,
let's get ready to mumble!
650
00:31:40,241 --> 00:31:44,310
It's Shaquille O'Neal.
651
00:32:00,310 --> 00:32:02,310
Thank you, Webster.
652
00:32:04,965 --> 00:32:06,551
Kevin is the only celebrity
with a star
653
00:32:06,655 --> 00:32:08,931
on the yellow brick road.
654
00:32:12,551 --> 00:32:15,068
In case you didn't know,
I am Shaquille O'Neal.
655
00:32:15,172 --> 00:32:17,689
Shaq Diesel...
[whooping]
656
00:32:17,793 --> 00:32:20,344
Superman, Big Aristotle,
657
00:32:20,448 --> 00:32:23,206
Big Cactus, Big Galactus,
658
00:32:23,310 --> 00:32:26,241
and Martha Stewart's
baby daddy.
659
00:32:26,344 --> 00:32:27,586
And trust me,
660
00:32:27,689 --> 00:32:29,448
Martha know how to work
that motherfucker,
661
00:32:29,551 --> 00:32:31,862
boy, let me tell you.
662
00:32:31,965 --> 00:32:33,448
Once you go Shaq,
you never go back.
663
00:32:33,551 --> 00:32:35,896
Ain't that right, Martha?
664
00:32:37,620 --> 00:32:39,275
But I'm not the only
baller here tonight.
665
00:32:39,379 --> 00:32:40,896
What's up, Snoop?
666
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:42,689
How you doing, baby?
667
00:32:42,793 --> 00:32:44,344
Snoop made a reggae album.
668
00:32:44,448 --> 00:32:47,000
If you're a rap fan,
you may not have it.
669
00:32:47,103 --> 00:32:49,344
But if you're a reggae fan,
670
00:32:49,448 --> 00:32:51,758
I know you don't
fucking have it.
671
00:32:55,068 --> 00:32:57,620
Look at all these scrubs
on the stage.
672
00:32:57,724 --> 00:32:59,586
Chris D'Elia,
673
00:32:59,689 --> 00:33:01,965
Hannibal, Natasha,
674
00:33:02,068 --> 00:33:04,862
Pete Davidson, Jeff Ross--
675
00:33:04,965 --> 00:33:06,620
I haven't seen a more
disappointing lineup
676
00:33:06,724 --> 00:33:09,068
since the last Lakers game.
677
00:33:15,827 --> 00:33:17,758
Speaking of the game,
678
00:33:17,862 --> 00:33:22,482
my main man Chris Paul
from the Clippers is down there.
679
00:33:22,586 --> 00:33:24,275
Hey, Chris,
680
00:33:24,379 --> 00:33:26,689
way you guys playing, you ain't
gonna be getting a ring.
681
00:33:26,793 --> 00:33:28,862
I got four of 'em
if you need to borrow one.
682
00:33:28,965 --> 00:33:30,827
[crowd]
Oh!
683
00:33:30,931 --> 00:33:33,241
You guys suck.
684
00:33:36,931 --> 00:33:40,448
Jeff, how am I the one
who played 19 seasons
685
00:33:40,551 --> 00:33:42,206
and you're the one
who looks like
686
00:33:42,310 --> 00:33:45,517
you took 20 years of elbows
to the face?
687
00:33:45,620 --> 00:33:48,655
You ugly motherfucker.
688
00:33:48,758 --> 00:33:53,275
Look at Jeff--Jeff got a body
like a cafeteria lady.
689
00:33:59,586 --> 00:34:02,137
Now, as many of you know,
690
00:34:02,241 --> 00:34:04,965
I'm a police detective
in the city of Miami.
691
00:34:05,068 --> 00:34:07,275
So, Justin, as a police
officer of the law,
692
00:34:07,379 --> 00:34:09,344
I'm gonna give it
to you straight,
693
00:34:09,448 --> 00:34:12,172
which I know will be
a new experience for you.
694
00:34:14,034 --> 00:34:15,655
I got a questions, Justin.
695
00:34:15,758 --> 00:34:18,931
What kind of bitch
eggs his neighbor's house?
696
00:34:19,034 --> 00:34:20,862
You caused $20,000 in damages.
697
00:34:20,965 --> 00:34:22,896
Imagine the damage
you would have caused
698
00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:25,344
if you threw like a boy.
699
00:34:27,172 --> 00:34:30,413
What are you doing dropping
75 Gs in a Miami strip club?
700
00:34:30,517 --> 00:34:32,517
I heard the DJ
play one of your songs,
701
00:34:32,620 --> 00:34:36,827
and the dancers complained
their pussies were drying up.
702
00:34:40,655 --> 00:34:42,620
Justin, as a father of six,
703
00:34:42,724 --> 00:34:44,517
you gotta straighten up, son.
704
00:34:44,620 --> 00:34:45,862
You know, last year
you were ranked
705
00:34:45,965 --> 00:34:49,068
the fifth most hated person
of all time.
706
00:34:49,172 --> 00:34:52,275
Kim Jong-Un didn't even
score that low.
707
00:34:52,379 --> 00:34:55,965
And he uses your music
to fucking torture people.
708
00:34:59,034 --> 00:35:00,689
But thanks to that music,
Justin is worth
709
00:35:00,793 --> 00:35:02,965
over $200 million...
710
00:35:03,068 --> 00:35:06,172
and in prison,
four packs of Cools.
711
00:35:08,724 --> 00:35:11,206
Justin got a tattoo
of Jesus on his calf.
712
00:35:11,310 --> 00:35:14,206
Why you gotta bring Jesus
in your mess?
713
00:35:14,310 --> 00:35:16,896
That man has suffered enough.
714
00:35:19,758 --> 00:35:22,379
Seriously, Justin,
I love ya,
715
00:35:22,482 --> 00:35:24,689
you're a platinum
recording artist.
716
00:35:24,793 --> 00:35:25,965
Give it up.
717
00:35:26,068 --> 00:35:28,103
[cheers and applause]
718
00:35:28,206 --> 00:35:30,482
You're a model.
Give it up.
719
00:35:30,586 --> 00:35:31,965
[cheering]
You're a sex symbol.
720
00:35:32,068 --> 00:35:33,689
Give it up.
[cheering]
721
00:35:33,793 --> 00:35:35,758
I just wanna say,
Justin Timberlake,
722
00:35:35,862 --> 00:35:39,517
I fucking love you.
Thank you.
723
00:35:39,620 --> 00:35:42,793
[upbeat music]
724
00:35:42,896 --> 00:35:51,034
♪
725
00:35:53,379 --> 00:35:54,689
Shaq's hilarious.
726
00:35:54,793 --> 00:35:57,241
♪ I'm gonna have
Shaq's baby ♪
727
00:35:57,344 --> 00:35:59,379
[announcer] Still to come
on the roast of Justin Bieber,
728
00:35:59,482 --> 00:36:00,758
Martha Stewart...
729
00:36:00,862 --> 00:36:02,689
Actually, this is sort of
like doing a roast turkey.
730
00:36:02,793 --> 00:36:04,000
[announcer]
And Chris D'Elia.
731
00:36:04,103 --> 00:36:05,275
Actually, I'm up next,
so if you're gonna
732
00:36:05,379 --> 00:36:07,137
change the channel,
hurry up and do it.
733
00:36:07,241 --> 00:36:10,206
[announcer]
When The Roast of Justin Bieber
continues.
734
00:36:13,275 --> 00:36:16,034
[cheers and applause]
735
00:36:16,137 --> 00:36:18,655
[techno music]
736
00:36:18,758 --> 00:36:21,931
Our next roaster
is Chris D'Elia.
737
00:36:22,034 --> 00:36:24,517
Holy shit, yeah.
738
00:36:24,620 --> 00:36:26,827
I know everybody's
excited about this.
739
00:36:26,931 --> 00:36:30,724
If you didn't know, he's a star
of the NBC show Undateable,
740
00:36:30,827 --> 00:36:33,896
and Chris's standup
is actually unwatchable.
741
00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:36,586
I've seen it.
It hurts.
742
00:36:36,689 --> 00:36:38,586
He is Justin Bieber's
favorite comic,
743
00:36:38,689 --> 00:36:42,413
which is why he has "duh"
in the middle of his name.
744
00:36:42,517 --> 00:36:48,344
Please welcome future rapist
Chris "Duh" Elia.
745
00:36:48,448 --> 00:36:49,379
Yeah.
746
00:36:49,482 --> 00:36:52,448
[cheers and applause]
747
00:36:55,034 --> 00:36:57,068
No, seriously, keep it going
for the ghost of Chris Tucker,
748
00:36:57,172 --> 00:37:01,620
everybody.
749
00:37:01,724 --> 00:37:03,931
No, Kevin's a good guy,
and of course he's here,
750
00:37:04,034 --> 00:37:05,793
because he can't say no
to anything.
751
00:37:05,896 --> 00:37:10,206
Last week he hosted an ISIS
beheading video on Reddit.
752
00:37:10,310 --> 00:37:13,275
What?
What the fuck, man?
753
00:37:13,379 --> 00:37:17,137
What the fuck?
754
00:37:17,241 --> 00:37:18,448
Hey, Shaq.
Shaq's here.
755
00:37:18,551 --> 00:37:20,103
People don't realize this,
but Shaq,
756
00:37:20,206 --> 00:37:22,655
those "I can't breathe"
T-shirts,
757
00:37:22,758 --> 00:37:26,758
they were about Shaq's
last season with the Celtics.
758
00:37:26,862 --> 00:37:28,862
Jeff Ross, hey.
759
00:37:28,965 --> 00:37:31,379
How about the fact
that if there weren't roasts,
760
00:37:31,482 --> 00:37:35,137
Jeff Ross would work
at IKEA?
761
00:37:35,241 --> 00:37:38,137
We all do other things, which is
why we're on the roasts.
762
00:37:38,241 --> 00:37:40,517
You're on the roasts because
you're on the fucking roasts.
763
00:37:40,620 --> 00:37:42,724
Fuck yeah!
764
00:37:42,827 --> 00:37:45,620
Ludacris, what do you do now
anyway, okay?
765
00:37:45,724 --> 00:37:47,551
You were a rapper.
You make headphones
766
00:37:47,655 --> 00:37:49,448
that no one listens with.
767
00:37:49,551 --> 00:37:51,689
You make Hennessy
that no one drinks.
768
00:37:51,793 --> 00:37:54,551
You're like a human
going out of business sale.
769
00:37:56,379 --> 00:37:59,379
Snoop Dogg, what's up?
It's cool you're here.
770
00:37:59,482 --> 00:38:03,758
You look like dead Splinter from
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
771
00:38:05,586 --> 00:38:07,586
Pete, it's really good
to see you.
772
00:38:07,689 --> 00:38:11,862
50 Shades of Greywas based
on your complexion.
773
00:38:11,965 --> 00:38:15,172
Pete--
[laughs]
774
00:38:15,275 --> 00:38:17,551
Pete is the same race as
whatever the fuck The Rock is
775
00:38:17,655 --> 00:38:21,517
and any parking attendant ever.
776
00:38:23,827 --> 00:38:26,068
Justin Bieber,
the man here, huh?
777
00:38:26,172 --> 00:38:27,137
Let's hear it.
778
00:38:27,241 --> 00:38:30,896
[cheers and applause]
779
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:32,724
Why are you here?
This is a terrible idea.
780
00:38:32,827 --> 00:38:35,172
You're about to get fucked
harder than Orlando Bloom
781
00:38:35,275 --> 00:38:36,206
fucked Selena Gomez.
782
00:38:36,310 --> 00:38:39,241
[audience]
Oh!
783
00:38:41,517 --> 00:38:43,137
For a guy worth
$200 million,
784
00:38:43,241 --> 00:38:46,517
why do you dress
like Sharon Stone in the '90s?
785
00:38:49,068 --> 00:38:51,551
You look like Sisqo
fucked Peter Pan
786
00:38:51,655 --> 00:38:55,000
and then got cast
on Orange is the New Black.
787
00:38:58,275 --> 00:39:01,241
Babyis the most hated video
online, like, statistically
788
00:39:01,344 --> 00:39:02,862
if you check that shit out,
okay,
789
00:39:02,965 --> 00:39:06,965
and there are also ISIS videos
online, okay?
790
00:39:07,068 --> 00:39:09,241
That means that someone saw
a video with a guy screaming,
791
00:39:09,344 --> 00:39:12,206
"Death to America" and sawing
someone's head off and thought,
792
00:39:12,310 --> 00:39:14,448
"Nope, still not worse
than Bieber featuring Luda
793
00:39:14,551 --> 00:39:16,896
in a bowling alley."
794
00:39:21,413 --> 00:39:22,965
Thank you.
795
00:39:23,068 --> 00:39:25,275
Thank you,
guy half my age.
796
00:39:25,379 --> 00:39:28,000
[laughs]
797
00:39:28,103 --> 00:39:29,758
Seriously, man,
I'm proud of you.
798
00:39:29,862 --> 00:39:31,310
You have it all.
799
00:39:31,413 --> 00:39:33,275
You literally are a guy
who has it all,
800
00:39:33,379 --> 00:39:35,344
except for respect,
love, friends,
801
00:39:35,448 --> 00:39:37,517
good parents,
and a Grammy.
802
00:39:40,724 --> 00:39:42,172
Thank you.
803
00:39:42,275 --> 00:39:44,482
[techno music]
804
00:39:44,586 --> 00:39:47,620
[cheers and applause]
805
00:39:52,724 --> 00:39:54,517
Chris D'Elia.
806
00:39:54,620 --> 00:39:58,344
Goddamn it, Chris,
that was dark.
807
00:39:58,448 --> 00:40:00,241
That was fucking dark.
808
00:40:00,344 --> 00:40:02,724
There was a couple times
where I grabbed my shirt
809
00:40:02,827 --> 00:40:05,724
like, "Jesus Christ, Chris."
810
00:40:05,827 --> 00:40:07,724
But we're here.
It's good though.
811
00:40:07,827 --> 00:40:10,827
Justin said you were fine.
That's all that counts, right?
812
00:40:12,758 --> 00:40:14,758
How am I supposed to laugh
after ISIS?
813
00:40:14,862 --> 00:40:15,862
What the fuck?
814
00:40:18,241 --> 00:40:20,620
Our next roaster
is Martha Stewart.
815
00:40:20,724 --> 00:40:22,586
Martha.
[cheers and applause]
816
00:40:22,689 --> 00:40:26,896
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
817
00:40:27,000 --> 00:40:28,896
At the age of 73,
she's the only white woman
818
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:31,724
with more street cred
than Luda and Snoop combined.
819
00:40:31,827 --> 00:40:33,413
True story.
820
00:40:33,517 --> 00:40:36,862
Please welcome
five-years-to-life-style guru,
821
00:40:36,965 --> 00:40:38,758
Martha Stewart,
everybody.
822
00:40:38,862 --> 00:40:41,551
[cheers and applause]
823
00:40:46,724 --> 00:40:48,931
First of all,
thank you, Kevin Hart.
824
00:40:49,034 --> 00:40:50,724
It's really great
to be here.
825
00:40:50,827 --> 00:40:52,413
Oh, there you are.
826
00:40:52,517 --> 00:40:54,413
Sitting and listening to you
yell your jokes
827
00:40:54,517 --> 00:40:58,586
over the last hour is
the hardest time I've ever done.
828
00:40:58,689 --> 00:41:01,448
As we all know, Kevin is
one of the biggest movie stars
829
00:41:01,551 --> 00:41:04,413
in the business right now,
and he deserves it.
830
00:41:04,517 --> 00:41:06,448
He struggled for years.
831
00:41:06,551 --> 00:41:09,206
When he finally got
his first big paycheck,
832
00:41:09,310 --> 00:41:13,517
he spent $150,000
on a watch.
833
00:41:13,620 --> 00:41:16,310
I forget that term for that.
834
00:41:16,413 --> 00:41:18,724
It's not
"African-American rich."
835
00:41:18,827 --> 00:41:20,482
It'll come to me.
836
00:41:20,586 --> 00:41:22,862
[cheers and applause]
837
00:41:28,275 --> 00:41:31,034
Justin,
you know the word.
838
00:41:31,137 --> 00:41:33,655
I know you're all wondering
why I'm here tonight.
839
00:41:33,758 --> 00:41:36,620
It's because Martha Stewart
changes people's lives
840
00:41:36,724 --> 00:41:40,413
for the better,
like Shaq for instance.
841
00:41:40,517 --> 00:41:44,655
When Shaq bought his house--
Shaq, are you listening?
842
00:41:44,758 --> 00:41:47,172
I was the first person
he called.
843
00:41:47,275 --> 00:41:50,551
The house had 13 bedrooms,
and I helped convert 8 of them
844
00:41:50,655 --> 00:41:55,344
into refrigerators.
845
00:41:55,448 --> 00:41:58,103
I believe the bedroom
is the most important room
846
00:41:58,206 --> 00:42:00,931
in the house, but I don't
have to tell you that, Ludacris.
847
00:42:01,034 --> 00:42:04,344
You have three kids
with three different women.
848
00:42:04,448 --> 00:42:07,758
May I suggest pulling out
sometime, and finishing
849
00:42:07,862 --> 00:42:12,758
on some fine, highly absorbent
Martha Stewart bed linens?
850
00:42:14,103 --> 00:42:17,793
[cheers and applause]
851
00:42:19,517 --> 00:42:20,965
It's nice to see Snoop again.
852
00:42:21,068 --> 00:42:23,448
One of the highest rated
episodes on my show,
853
00:42:23,551 --> 00:42:25,862
Martha Stewart Living,
was when Snoop and I
854
00:42:25,965 --> 00:42:28,310
made brownies together,
855
00:42:28,413 --> 00:42:31,310
and I've used his recipe
ever since.
856
00:42:31,413 --> 00:42:34,448
As a matter of fact,
I ate three of them
857
00:42:34,551 --> 00:42:39,586
right before they called
and asked me to do this roast.
858
00:42:39,689 --> 00:42:44,241
Snoop, I see that you've been
following my beauty regimen.
859
00:42:44,344 --> 00:42:47,068
You would never know
that Snoop Dogg is 43 now,
860
00:42:47,172 --> 00:42:50,448
which is three times as long
as actual dogs live
861
00:42:50,551 --> 00:42:54,310
and twice as long
as most of his friends.
862
00:42:57,724 --> 00:42:59,931
[laughs]
863
00:43:00,034 --> 00:43:02,482
I taught Snoop
that the most important thing
864
00:43:02,586 --> 00:43:04,241
in business
is diversification.
865
00:43:04,344 --> 00:43:08,827
Besides his music career, Snoop
now has produced a porn movie,
866
00:43:08,931 --> 00:43:12,689
and by the way, Natasha,
you were great in that,
867
00:43:12,793 --> 00:43:15,241
so I guess that tonight's
the second time
868
00:43:15,344 --> 00:43:19,896
you've worked
with five black guys.
869
00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:23,448
You know...
870
00:43:23,551 --> 00:43:27,344
I do a lot of gardening,
but you are without a doubt
871
00:43:27,448 --> 00:43:32,275
the dirtiest, used up ho
I have ever seen.
872
00:43:32,379 --> 00:43:37,413
Natasha, when a woman is
as sexually active as you are,
873
00:43:37,517 --> 00:43:40,586
they have to take special care
of their body.
874
00:43:40,689 --> 00:43:43,965
I've come up with a douche
that no one has ever heard of,
875
00:43:44,068 --> 00:43:47,793
you know,
like Chris D'Elia.
876
00:43:47,896 --> 00:43:50,448
And, Hannibal, all night,
I've been trying to remember
877
00:43:50,551 --> 00:43:52,241
who you remind me of.
878
00:43:52,344 --> 00:43:54,620
Then it hit me.
You look just like
879
00:43:54,724 --> 00:43:58,448
that gingerbread man
I left in the oven too long.
880
00:44:05,448 --> 00:44:07,068
Let's get to the reason
I'm here tonight,
881
00:44:07,172 --> 00:44:11,344
which is to give Justin Bieber
some tips to use
882
00:44:11,448 --> 00:44:15,896
when he inevitably
ends up in prison.
883
00:44:16,000 --> 00:44:19,103
I've been in lockup,
and you wouldn't last a week,
884
00:44:19,206 --> 00:44:20,620
so pay attention.
885
00:44:20,724 --> 00:44:23,275
The first thing you'll need
is a shank.
886
00:44:23,379 --> 00:44:25,724
I made mine
out of a pintail comb
887
00:44:25,827 --> 00:44:29,344
and a pack of gum.
888
00:44:29,448 --> 00:44:34,000
I'll show you how later.
It's so simple.
889
00:44:34,103 --> 00:44:39,655
I found Bubblicious works best,
and it's so much fun to say.
890
00:44:39,758 --> 00:44:41,655
You see,
when I did my stretch,
891
00:44:41,758 --> 00:44:43,793
all the hood rats
on my cellblock
892
00:44:43,896 --> 00:44:46,758
wanted to break off a piece
of Martha Stewart's ass,
893
00:44:46,862 --> 00:44:51,758
so I decided some bitch
needed to get got.
894
00:44:51,862 --> 00:44:54,000
I walked
into the chow hall,
895
00:44:54,103 --> 00:44:56,206
picked out
the biggest bull dyke,
896
00:44:56,310 --> 00:44:58,655
and I stuck her.
From then on,
897
00:44:58,758 --> 00:45:04,482
prison was easier than making
blueberry scones.
898
00:45:04,586 --> 00:45:07,586
[cheers and applause]
899
00:45:07,689 --> 00:45:11,172
And--[laughs]
900
00:45:11,275 --> 00:45:13,793
And Shaq--
901
00:45:13,896 --> 00:45:18,034
Shaq, I hope your mom doesn't
still hold a grudge.
902
00:45:22,517 --> 00:45:26,655
Justin, before I go,
here's my final piece of advice.
903
00:45:26,758 --> 00:45:28,379
You need to settle down,
904
00:45:28,482 --> 00:45:30,724
bring some balance
into your life,
905
00:45:30,827 --> 00:45:32,758
find yourself the right gal,
906
00:45:32,862 --> 00:45:34,517
but she'll have to be someone
on your level,
907
00:45:34,620 --> 00:45:37,896
someone powerful and famous
and rich,
908
00:45:38,000 --> 00:45:40,206
someone you can smoke a joint
with or indulge
909
00:45:40,310 --> 00:45:42,482
in the occasional three-way.
910
00:45:42,586 --> 00:45:45,172
I'm talking about a "playa"
in the boardroom
911
00:45:45,275 --> 00:45:47,586
and a freak in the bedroom.
912
00:45:47,689 --> 00:45:52,689
So, Justin, my final piece
of advice is call me, or--
913
00:45:52,793 --> 00:45:55,206
[cheers and applause]
914
00:45:55,310 --> 00:45:58,827
Or not.
I'm out, bitch.
915
00:45:58,931 --> 00:46:01,172
[techno music]
916
00:46:01,275 --> 00:46:05,517
[cheers and applause]
917
00:46:05,620 --> 00:46:07,172
[announcer]
Still to come, Jeff Ross...
918
00:46:07,275 --> 00:46:08,965
Killer.
The killer.
919
00:46:09,068 --> 00:46:10,551
[announcer]
And Snoop Dogg.
920
00:46:10,655 --> 00:46:11,827
I'm going bodyguard hard, man.
921
00:46:11,931 --> 00:46:14,000
I ain't fixin'
to play no games, man.
922
00:46:14,103 --> 00:46:16,758
[announcer]
When The Roast
of Justin Biebercontinues.
923
00:46:19,344 --> 00:46:21,482
[techno music]
924
00:46:21,586 --> 00:46:25,103
All right.
Martha Stewart, Goddamn.
925
00:46:25,206 --> 00:46:28,793
[cheers and applause]
926
00:46:28,896 --> 00:46:31,931
Our next roaster
is Jeff Ross.
927
00:46:32,034 --> 00:46:34,448
Now...
928
00:46:34,551 --> 00:46:37,068
I actually gave Jeff a role
in my movie The Wedding Ringer,
929
00:46:37,172 --> 00:46:39,068
and he doubled the budget
because he demanded
930
00:46:39,172 --> 00:46:40,620
to be paid in cake.
931
00:46:40,724 --> 00:46:43,931
Right now, I want everybody
to pull out a bucket of fish
932
00:46:44,034 --> 00:46:47,310
for the roastmaster himself,
Jeff Ross, everybody.
933
00:46:47,413 --> 00:46:50,655
[cheers and applause]
934
00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:00,172
How cool is this?
935
00:47:00,275 --> 00:47:02,931
Give it up for the Biebs,
doing great so far.
936
00:47:03,034 --> 00:47:04,896
[cheers and applause]
937
00:47:05,000 --> 00:47:07,275
Fantastic.
This is so fun.
938
00:47:07,379 --> 00:47:10,172
I never roasted somebody
with a bedtime before.
939
00:47:12,758 --> 00:47:15,310
I got to give you props,
asking us to roast you.
940
00:47:15,413 --> 00:47:17,931
Ballsy move, dude,
especially since you haven't
941
00:47:18,034 --> 00:47:20,310
put out an album
in three years.
942
00:47:20,413 --> 00:47:22,827
Come on, Biebs, what are you
doing with your life?
943
00:47:22,931 --> 00:47:25,000
If you listen closely,
you can hear the sound
944
00:47:25,103 --> 00:47:27,758
of One Direction
fucking your fans.
945
00:47:30,379 --> 00:47:32,034
A lot of Beliebers
are upset
946
00:47:32,137 --> 00:47:34,551
that Justin's
never won a Grammy.
947
00:47:34,655 --> 00:47:37,517
Well, there's Martha Stewart.
She can be your Grammy.
948
00:47:40,344 --> 00:47:42,241
Martha Stewart's here
because Paula Deen
949
00:47:42,344 --> 00:47:46,068
refused to sit
with this many black folk.
950
00:47:46,172 --> 00:47:50,517
What is this, the Comedy Central
March on Ferguson?
951
00:47:55,241 --> 00:47:59,965
Martha, I want to fuck you
so bad.
952
00:48:00,068 --> 00:48:03,172
I bet your pubic hair
is 50 shades of gray.
953
00:48:06,241 --> 00:48:08,896
Martha went to prison
for dumping worthless stock
954
00:48:09,000 --> 00:48:11,655
for idiot consumers to buy,
which reminds me,
955
00:48:11,758 --> 00:48:14,103
Ludacris' new album
drops tomorrow.
956
00:48:16,793 --> 00:48:19,482
But enough about Ludacris,
let's talk about "food-acris,"
957
00:48:19,586 --> 00:48:21,000
Shaquille O'Neal.
958
00:48:22,931 --> 00:48:26,758
Shaq.
[growls]
959
00:48:26,862 --> 00:48:28,344
[growls]
960
00:48:28,448 --> 00:48:32,310
Shaq.
[growls]
961
00:48:32,413 --> 00:48:36,827
I like to talk to him
in his native tongue.
962
00:48:36,931 --> 00:48:38,551
Shaq was the original
2 Chainz,
963
00:48:38,655 --> 00:48:41,965
'cause that's how he was brought
into this country.
964
00:48:49,137 --> 00:48:52,724
Shaq's dick is so big,
he uses it as a selfie stick.
965
00:48:56,275 --> 00:48:57,620
Love you, Kev.
You're doing
966
00:48:57,724 --> 00:48:59,689
a hell of a job
as the host tonight, man.
967
00:48:59,793 --> 00:49:02,448
I really appreciate
how funny you are.
968
00:49:02,551 --> 00:49:03,482
I really do.
969
00:49:03,586 --> 00:49:06,586
[cheers and applause]
970
00:49:06,689 --> 00:49:09,379
Kevin's a big star now,
but he doesn't need private jets
971
00:49:09,482 --> 00:49:14,137
'cause he likes to be
shot out of a cannon.
972
00:49:14,241 --> 00:49:16,379
Kev, we've been friends
a long time.
973
00:49:16,482 --> 00:49:18,000
I want to congratulate you.
974
00:49:18,103 --> 00:49:20,344
I hear your girlfriend recently
got down on one knee
975
00:49:20,448 --> 00:49:22,275
so you could propose, and--
976
00:49:24,758 --> 00:49:27,241
How do y'all make love,
puppy style?
977
00:49:30,551 --> 00:49:33,000
Chris D'Elia's here.
Chris, how you doing, man?
978
00:49:33,103 --> 00:49:34,724
Chris is here
because he's
979
00:49:34,827 --> 00:49:36,517
Justin Bieber's
favorite comedian.
980
00:49:36,620 --> 00:49:41,068
Wow, what an endorsement.
981
00:49:41,172 --> 00:49:43,827
That's like being Shaq's
favorite poet.
982
00:49:48,758 --> 00:49:50,448
[laughs]
983
00:49:50,551 --> 00:49:55,068
Snoop, love you, buddy.
Love you, man, so much.
984
00:49:55,172 --> 00:49:58,379
You look like a retired
WNBA player.
985
00:50:03,896 --> 00:50:06,137
The only person that's inhaled
more smoke than Snoop
986
00:50:06,241 --> 00:50:10,379
is Pete Davidson's dad
inside the World Trade Center.
987
00:50:11,931 --> 00:50:14,724
Thanks, Pete.
I'm sorry, Shaq.
988
00:50:14,827 --> 00:50:18,517
I know that was your favorite
building to climb.
989
00:50:21,275 --> 00:50:23,448
Shaq, [growls]
Never forget.
990
00:50:23,551 --> 00:50:24,827
[growls]
991
00:50:28,448 --> 00:50:30,448
Oh, this is so much fun.
992
00:50:30,551 --> 00:50:32,793
I gotta give a shout-out to
one of my favorite people ever,
993
00:50:32,896 --> 00:50:34,965
Dave Chappelle over there.
What's up, dude?
994
00:50:35,068 --> 00:50:37,034
Don't be scared.
Watching the roast.
995
00:50:37,137 --> 00:50:40,379
Super big comedy fan,
my friend.
996
00:50:40,482 --> 00:50:43,758
[loud cheering]
One of the greats.
997
00:50:43,862 --> 00:50:45,862
Love you, buddy.
998
00:50:45,965 --> 00:50:47,793
Thank you for flying in
from South Africa
999
00:50:47,896 --> 00:50:49,551
to be with us tonight.
1000
00:50:51,862 --> 00:50:53,310
Justin, I feel like
I'm roasting you
1001
00:50:53,413 --> 00:50:55,586
for the entire world tonight.
1002
00:50:55,689 --> 00:50:58,275
The roast fans really
want blood this time,
1003
00:50:58,379 --> 00:50:59,724
even though
most of your fans
1004
00:50:59,827 --> 00:51:02,931
haven't even gotten
their periods yet.
1005
00:51:03,034 --> 00:51:05,931
But if you can take a joke,
then so can the Beliebers
1006
00:51:06,034 --> 00:51:07,758
watching tonight,
because face it, Biebs,
1007
00:51:07,862 --> 00:51:11,068
you've become
a cocky little shit.
1008
00:51:11,172 --> 00:51:14,068
You are the King Joffrey
of pop.
1009
00:51:14,172 --> 00:51:17,275
[cheers and applause]
1010
00:51:20,068 --> 00:51:23,310
What's your rap name,
Feminem?
1011
00:51:25,896 --> 00:51:29,620
Selena Gomez wanted to be here,
but she's dating men now.
1012
00:51:32,689 --> 00:51:34,827
Is it true you dumped her
because she grew a moustache
1013
00:51:34,931 --> 00:51:36,965
before you?
1014
00:51:37,068 --> 00:51:40,965
That's right, Selena Gomez
used to bang this guy,
1015
00:51:41,068 --> 00:51:43,310
proving once again
that Mexicans will do
1016
00:51:43,413 --> 00:51:47,482
the disgusting jobs
Americans just won't do.
1017
00:51:47,586 --> 00:51:52,724
U-S-A! U-S-A!
U-S-A! U-S--
1018
00:51:54,620 --> 00:51:56,517
Now there are rumors
going around
1019
00:51:56,620 --> 00:51:58,724
you might have been dating
Kendall Jenner.
1020
00:51:58,827 --> 00:52:00,655
Hi, Kendall.
How you doing, doll?
1021
00:52:00,758 --> 00:52:02,931
You having fun?
That's good.
1022
00:52:03,034 --> 00:52:06,482
What dating site did you two
meet on, O-K Stupid?
1023
00:52:09,827 --> 00:52:13,620
Anyway, Biebs, you have
such a huge career behind you.
1024
00:52:18,310 --> 00:52:19,724
But lately, a lot of people
have been pointing
1025
00:52:19,827 --> 00:52:21,517
their fingers at you,
1026
00:52:21,620 --> 00:52:23,413
and those are just lesbians
showing the barber
1027
00:52:23,517 --> 00:52:25,793
how they want their hair cut.
1028
00:52:29,275 --> 00:52:31,241
Even when you went
to Anne Frank's house,
1029
00:52:31,344 --> 00:52:34,275
there were fans waiting
for you outside.
1030
00:52:34,379 --> 00:52:35,586
I wish they were
the same people
1031
00:52:35,689 --> 00:52:38,310
that were waiting
for Anne Frank.
1032
00:52:39,724 --> 00:52:40,965
Oh, come on!
1033
00:52:41,068 --> 00:52:42,655
You said Anne Frank
would've been a Bieblier.
1034
00:52:42,758 --> 00:52:44,000
If Anne Frank
heard your music,
1035
00:52:44,103 --> 00:52:46,620
she would've Ubered
to Auschwitz.
1036
00:52:53,000 --> 00:52:55,655
And, Biebs, we've all seen
your sexy underwear commercials,
1037
00:52:55,758 --> 00:52:57,758
and don't worry,
you're not the first youngster
1038
00:52:57,862 --> 00:53:01,413
to have Calvin Klein
wedged in your asshole.
1039
00:53:03,724 --> 00:53:04,862
But you know what?
1040
00:53:04,965 --> 00:53:07,448
The best part
about taking Justin from behind
1041
00:53:07,551 --> 00:53:09,275
is that you can shave
half his head
1042
00:53:09,379 --> 00:53:11,517
and pretend
it's Miley Cyrus.
1043
00:53:14,482 --> 00:53:16,931
You like that one?
1044
00:53:17,034 --> 00:53:18,551
Justin's ass
is like a movie ticket,
1045
00:53:18,655 --> 00:53:21,068
'cause it was ripped apart
by an "usher."
1046
00:53:21,172 --> 00:53:23,620
[audience groans]
1047
00:53:25,586 --> 00:53:28,482
And as you sat here
taking it like a man tonight,
1048
00:53:28,586 --> 00:53:30,275
you were probably thinking
that none of us know
1049
00:53:30,379 --> 00:53:32,103
what we're talking about,
'cause you're gonna fly
1050
00:53:32,206 --> 00:53:35,310
out of here on a private jet
full of cash and models,
1051
00:53:35,413 --> 00:53:37,827
and we'll all be trying
to finger-bang Martha Stewart
1052
00:53:37,931 --> 00:53:39,344
at the afterparty.
1053
00:53:42,310 --> 00:53:43,724
And you know what, Biebs,
you're right.
1054
00:53:43,827 --> 00:53:47,551
You're young, you're talented,
you're famous,
1055
00:53:47,655 --> 00:53:49,241
and that can be
a lot of pressure,
1056
00:53:49,344 --> 00:53:51,862
but you're a smart man
with a good heart,
1057
00:53:51,965 --> 00:53:54,103
and I know
you'll never end up
1058
00:53:54,206 --> 00:53:58,000
like Kurt Cobain
or Amy Winehouse...
1059
00:53:58,103 --> 00:54:01,379
respected.
1060
00:54:01,482 --> 00:54:03,413
Happy birthday, buddy.
1061
00:54:03,517 --> 00:54:05,931
[techno music]
1062
00:54:06,034 --> 00:54:07,586
Good show, buddy.
1063
00:54:07,689 --> 00:54:10,103
[announcer]
Coming up...Snoop Dogg...
1064
00:54:10,206 --> 00:54:12,413
- Hannibal Buress.
- I hate everybody.
1065
00:54:12,517 --> 00:54:14,068
[announcer]
And Justin Bieber
1066
00:54:14,172 --> 00:54:17,172
when the Comedy Central Roast
of Justin Biebercontinues.
1067
00:54:24,206 --> 00:54:26,586
[techno music]
1068
00:54:26,689 --> 00:54:27,827
[cheers and applause]
1069
00:54:27,931 --> 00:54:29,931
Are we having a good time
tonight? Yes?
1070
00:54:30,034 --> 00:54:31,448
[cheers and applause]
1071
00:54:31,551 --> 00:54:35,448
Our next roaster is Snoop.
Yeah, he's here.
1072
00:54:35,551 --> 00:54:37,482
Yeah.
Yeah.
1073
00:54:37,586 --> 00:54:42,620
You know, Snoop used to
call himself the "D-O-double-G."
1074
00:54:42,724 --> 00:54:44,620
That's right, The Dogg.
1075
00:54:44,724 --> 00:54:46,310
Right, Snoop?
1076
00:54:46,413 --> 00:54:47,827
Back in the day, the reason why
he called himself The Dogg.
1077
00:54:47,931 --> 00:54:49,448
is because he was a dog
with the ladies.
1078
00:54:49,551 --> 00:54:50,827
It's true.
1079
00:54:50,931 --> 00:54:53,379
Now he's called The Dogg
because he sleeps all day
1080
00:54:53,482 --> 00:54:55,241
in a sun spot
on the living room floor.
1081
00:54:55,344 --> 00:54:58,551
Isn't that true?
That's true, Snoop.
1082
00:54:58,655 --> 00:55:00,206
Ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise
1083
00:55:00,310 --> 00:55:02,413
for Snoop Dogg right now.
1084
00:55:02,517 --> 00:55:03,793
[Snoop Dogg's Peaches 'N Cream]
1085
00:55:03,896 --> 00:55:06,137
♪ That's that look
all on her face ♪
1086
00:55:06,241 --> 00:55:10,172
♪ Shorty dancing like she knows
She's the baddest in the place ♪
1087
00:55:10,275 --> 00:55:11,586
Kevin, you look good
tonight, dog.
1088
00:55:11,689 --> 00:55:14,379
Some real shit, nephew.
You look real good.
1089
00:55:18,137 --> 00:55:19,275
I didn't know
the Muppets made
1090
00:55:19,379 --> 00:55:24,000
motherfucking clothes
for a nigga though.
1091
00:55:24,103 --> 00:55:25,827
Yes, sir.
Now, look,
1092
00:55:25,931 --> 00:55:29,620
Kevin's from Philadelphia,
right, just like Bill Cosby.
1093
00:55:29,724 --> 00:55:32,034
And just like Bill Cosby,
1094
00:55:32,137 --> 00:55:36,034
women can't tell
when Kevin's inside of them.
1095
00:55:36,137 --> 00:55:39,310
[crowd groans]
1096
00:55:39,413 --> 00:55:41,517
Yeah.
I don't need no warm-up.
1097
00:55:41,620 --> 00:55:45,103
I've been smoking and drinking.
I feel real good about myself.
1098
00:55:45,206 --> 00:55:46,482
[cheers and applause]
1099
00:55:46,586 --> 00:55:51,206
Yes, sir.
1100
00:55:51,310 --> 00:55:54,586
Now, check this out, I done
a whole bunch of roasts, right,
1101
00:55:54,689 --> 00:55:59,000
but they never let a real player
on stage with me until tonight.
1102
00:55:59,103 --> 00:56:02,344
We got Ludacris
in the motherfucking house.
1103
00:56:02,448 --> 00:56:05,758
Luda.
Luda!
1104
00:56:05,862 --> 00:56:08,413
I love that song of yours
where you said,
1105
00:56:08,517 --> 00:56:11,827
♪ If you a pimp and you know it
You don't love them hos ♪
1106
00:56:11,931 --> 00:56:14,517
That shit was tight.
1107
00:56:14,620 --> 00:56:17,241
But you know who else said
that that was tight?
1108
00:56:17,344 --> 00:56:18,896
Me, 15 years
before you did it,
1109
00:56:19,000 --> 00:56:23,827
nigga,
stop biting my shit.
1110
00:56:23,931 --> 00:56:28,068
But here's one of Ludacris'
original rhymes.
1111
00:56:28,172 --> 00:56:31,586
"There's hos in the room.
There's hos in the car.
1112
00:56:31,689 --> 00:56:36,344
There's hos on the stage.
There's hos by the bar."
1113
00:56:36,448 --> 00:56:39,689
nigga, are you a rapper
or Dr. Seuss?
1114
00:56:46,586 --> 00:56:50,379
Now, this little bitty
fine little...
1115
00:56:50,482 --> 00:56:54,379
Natasha Leggero.
1116
00:56:54,482 --> 00:56:56,344
Is that how you say it,
"Leg-gero"?
1117
00:56:56,448 --> 00:56:58,862
- No, but that's okay.
- Le-ghetto.
1118
00:56:58,965 --> 00:57:00,482
That's how we say it.
1119
00:57:00,586 --> 00:57:04,448
I seen how you was looking at me
though, right?
1120
00:57:04,551 --> 00:57:05,689
What I want to know is
1121
00:57:05,793 --> 00:57:11,655
have you ever sucked
a black dick before?
1122
00:57:11,758 --> 00:57:13,103
Hey, I'm going off script
right now.
1123
00:57:13,206 --> 00:57:16,137
I just really want to know.
1124
00:57:16,241 --> 00:57:17,724
Hey.
1125
00:57:17,827 --> 00:57:19,241
Hey, something
about this pimping, man.
1126
00:57:19,344 --> 00:57:20,758
You understand me?
When I'm pimping, man,
1127
00:57:20,862 --> 00:57:24,931
that shit just go
every direction.
1128
00:57:25,034 --> 00:57:29,655
But let me talk about my homeboy
right here, Shaquille O'Neal.
1129
00:57:29,758 --> 00:57:31,965
Shaq Daddy.
1130
00:57:32,068 --> 00:57:35,862
I always say that Shaq is
the greatest Laker of all time,
1131
00:57:35,965 --> 00:57:40,000
unless I'm chilling
with Kobe Bryant.
1132
00:57:40,103 --> 00:57:42,241
Ohhh!
1133
00:57:50,931 --> 00:57:54,896
Y'all got to excuse my little
retarded cousin right there.
1134
00:57:58,379 --> 00:57:59,689
Somebody get
his little helmet
1135
00:57:59,793 --> 00:58:03,896
and get that little yellow bus
around the side.
1136
00:58:04,000 --> 00:58:06,034
Hannibal Buress.
1137
00:58:06,137 --> 00:58:11,137
You the only Bill Cosby accuser
making money off of it.
1138
00:58:13,793 --> 00:58:18,000
Now, Jeff Ross,
check this out, Jeff.
1139
00:58:18,103 --> 00:58:21,275
Now, see, Jeff is what you call
a throwback,
1140
00:58:21,379 --> 00:58:22,551
because his face looks
like something
1141
00:58:22,655 --> 00:58:26,448
that you could have
a hook in it.
1142
00:58:26,551 --> 00:58:30,241
That's right,
that's a fishing joke.
1143
00:58:30,344 --> 00:58:33,137
I fish, motherfucker.
1144
00:58:33,241 --> 00:58:35,344
[cheers and applause]
1145
00:58:35,448 --> 00:58:36,758
Yeah, dog!
1146
00:58:36,862 --> 00:58:38,206
Now that I've done said
what I needed to say
1147
00:58:38,310 --> 00:58:41,241
about all the rest of these hos
and bitches up on the stage,
1148
00:58:41,344 --> 00:58:43,689
it's time to talk
about the bitch of the hour,
1149
00:58:43,793 --> 00:58:46,965
Justin "Leave it to" Bieber.
1150
00:58:47,068 --> 00:58:48,620
[cheers and applause]
1151
00:58:48,724 --> 00:58:51,379
Justin's life changed when Usher
heard one of his songs
1152
00:58:51,482 --> 00:58:54,137
and liked it,
which only goes to prove
1153
00:58:54,241 --> 00:58:58,000
that Usher ain't black.
1154
00:58:58,103 --> 00:59:01,137
Now, Justin, you released
1155
00:59:01,241 --> 00:59:04,241
so many horrible
and unwatchable videos,
1156
00:59:04,344 --> 00:59:07,482
you should change your name
to Vanilla ISIS.
1157
00:59:07,586 --> 00:59:09,172
[crowd groans]
1158
00:59:09,275 --> 00:59:10,689
No, no, no.
Real shit though.
1159
00:59:10,793 --> 00:59:12,241
- Oh, shit.
- Real shit.
1160
00:59:12,344 --> 00:59:13,620
This is my nigga
right here, nigga.
1161
00:59:13,724 --> 00:59:15,896
Hold on, nigga,
this my nigga.
1162
00:59:16,000 --> 00:59:17,379
nigga, this my nigga.
1163
00:59:17,482 --> 00:59:18,724
nigga,
you had your shot, nigga.
1164
00:59:18,827 --> 00:59:21,448
This is my nigga
right here, nigga.
1165
00:59:21,551 --> 00:59:22,689
nigga.
1166
00:59:22,793 --> 00:59:28,310
Goddamn, nigga, nigga,
nigga, nigga, nigga.
1167
00:59:28,413 --> 00:59:31,172
Now, most niggas,
like myself,
1168
00:59:31,275 --> 00:59:34,172
we go a little crazy
when we get famous.
1169
00:59:34,275 --> 00:59:38,482
Buy some dope cars,
fuck some bad bitches,
1170
00:59:38,586 --> 00:59:42,827
but, nigga,
you bought a monkey.
1171
00:59:42,931 --> 00:59:46,034
I mean, that monkey
was more embarrassed
1172
00:59:46,137 --> 00:59:51,103
than the one that started
the AIDS epidemic.
1173
00:59:51,206 --> 00:59:53,448
Now, when J-Bird
got arrested,
1174
00:59:53,551 --> 00:59:56,482
he had a big smile
in his mug shot.
1175
00:59:56,586 --> 01:00:02,241
Not because he gangster, because
he knows what goes on in jail.
1176
01:00:02,344 --> 01:00:06,206
Now, Justin,
you so motherfucking pretty,
1177
01:00:06,310 --> 01:00:09,137
when the inmates
saw your mug shot,
1178
01:00:09,241 --> 01:00:12,827
they swiped right.
1179
01:00:12,931 --> 01:00:14,586
Let me say this
to you, J.B.
1180
01:00:14,689 --> 01:00:19,482
Justin Bieber, D-M-B,
"damn near black."
1181
01:00:19,586 --> 01:00:22,827
Now see, black people, we
normally hate when white people
1182
01:00:22,931 --> 01:00:25,482
try to steal our culture
and be like us,
1183
01:00:25,586 --> 01:00:27,931
minus the discrimination,
police brutality,
1184
01:00:28,034 --> 01:00:29,827
and the marching and shit.
1185
01:00:29,931 --> 01:00:32,724
That was until Justin Bieber
came along.
1186
01:00:32,827 --> 01:00:34,517
We don't mind him
smoking weed in public
1187
01:00:34,620 --> 01:00:37,448
while sagging in the club,
pissing in the mop bucket,
1188
01:00:37,551 --> 01:00:38,965
drunk driving,
living in a mansion
1189
01:00:39,068 --> 01:00:40,965
while playing loud music
and hating the neighbors
1190
01:00:41,068 --> 01:00:43,137
for not welcoming change.
1191
01:00:43,241 --> 01:00:46,068
Welcome to the family,
my nigga.
1192
01:00:46,172 --> 01:00:50,379
[cheers and applause]
♪ She 'bout to go in
1193
01:00:50,482 --> 01:00:54,827
♪ She likes that low end
1194
01:00:54,931 --> 01:00:56,034
♪ Damn, her ass is so big
1195
01:00:56,137 --> 01:00:59,620
That was Snoop Dogg,
everybody.
1196
01:00:59,724 --> 01:01:01,827
I just want to--You know, I just
want to take a second right now
1197
01:01:01,931 --> 01:01:04,068
to speak on behalf
of all the black people.
1198
01:01:04,172 --> 01:01:06,551
I don't--I don't know
how many niggas
1199
01:01:06,655 --> 01:01:08,137
we were allowed to say
in this show,
1200
01:01:08,241 --> 01:01:12,448
but I think--I definitely
think Snoop used them all.
1201
01:01:12,551 --> 01:01:15,551
Like, we're done.
Like, we're done.
1202
01:01:15,655 --> 01:01:19,344
Like, dude, we had, like, ten.
They gave us ten.
1203
01:01:19,448 --> 01:01:21,620
You used them all,
and then you blamed us.
1204
01:01:21,724 --> 01:01:23,586
You was like, "Yo, they got us
drinking and smoking."
1205
01:01:23,689 --> 01:01:25,965
No, we don't.
That's you.
1206
01:01:26,068 --> 01:01:28,103
It's just you.
You.
1207
01:01:28,206 --> 01:01:31,413
You did that.
Don't do that to us.
1208
01:01:31,517 --> 01:01:35,275
I want Snoop removed.
1209
01:01:35,379 --> 01:01:37,482
Like, if this was the block,
I would snitch.
1210
01:01:37,586 --> 01:01:40,793
It was him.
He did it.
1211
01:01:40,896 --> 01:01:42,689
He said we all doing drugs.
1212
01:01:42,793 --> 01:01:44,241
We drinking and smoking
back there.
1213
01:01:44,344 --> 01:01:46,862
No, we're not.
It's just you!
1214
01:01:46,965 --> 01:01:50,103
Fuck you.
Fuck you, Snoop.
1215
01:01:50,206 --> 01:01:53,206
I didn't do nothing.
1216
01:01:53,310 --> 01:01:55,655
You tried to ruin me tonight,
you son of a bitch.
1217
01:01:55,758 --> 01:01:58,482
You tried to--You tried to make
it a group black thing.
1218
01:01:58,586 --> 01:01:59,551
That's what you tried to do.
1219
01:01:59,655 --> 01:02:01,551
"All us niggas
up here."
1220
01:02:01,655 --> 01:02:06,689
No, it's not.
No, it's not.
1221
01:02:06,793 --> 01:02:10,413
[techno music]
1222
01:02:10,517 --> 01:02:11,689
She's worried
about her lipstick.
1223
01:02:11,793 --> 01:02:12,862
- Let me--
- Shut up.
1224
01:02:12,965 --> 01:02:14,206
- Let me check it out for her.
- [laughing]
1225
01:02:14,310 --> 01:02:16,206
[announcer]
Still to come: Justin Bieber,
1226
01:02:16,310 --> 01:02:17,482
and Hannibal Buress.
1227
01:02:17,586 --> 01:02:18,724
You're getting it.
Brrr!
1228
01:02:18,827 --> 01:02:20,137
[announcer]
When the Comedy Central Roast
1229
01:02:20,241 --> 01:02:21,689
of Justin Biebercontinues.
1230
01:02:21,793 --> 01:02:23,310
This is something
that I really enjoy,
1231
01:02:23,413 --> 01:02:24,448
and I want to be
invited back.
1232
01:02:24,551 --> 01:02:26,551
I love the roasts.
1233
01:02:31,965 --> 01:02:35,103
- Yeah!
[techno music]
1234
01:02:35,206 --> 01:02:38,103
♪
1235
01:02:38,206 --> 01:02:40,172
Hannibal Buress is up next,
1236
01:02:40,275 --> 01:02:44,310
ladies and gentlemen.
1237
01:02:44,413 --> 01:02:45,655
I'm a fan.
I love Hannibal.
1238
01:02:45,758 --> 01:02:46,758
I really do.
1239
01:02:46,862 --> 01:02:48,724
We know why he's here,
okay,
1240
01:02:48,827 --> 01:02:52,965
'cause he's not happy just
destroying my childhood hero.
1241
01:02:55,241 --> 01:02:57,206
That's not--that doesn't
make him feel good enough.
1242
01:02:57,310 --> 01:03:00,413
No, no, no.
He's here to destroy my
1243
01:03:00,517 --> 01:03:04,413
daughter's childhood hero
as well.
1244
01:03:04,517 --> 01:03:08,448
I want you guys to please
welcome the man who's so slow
1245
01:03:08,551 --> 01:03:14,000
and drowsy that you think that
Bill Cosby drugged him.
1246
01:03:14,103 --> 01:03:16,482
I'm talking about Hannibal
Buress, ladies and gentlemen.
1247
01:03:16,586 --> 01:03:18,000
Hannibal Buress.
1248
01:03:18,103 --> 01:03:22,000
[hip-hop music]
1249
01:03:22,103 --> 01:03:23,965
What's up?
Hello.
1250
01:03:24,068 --> 01:03:25,517
Kevin Hart, everybody.
1251
01:03:25,620 --> 01:03:29,103
Kevin Hart.
1252
01:03:29,206 --> 01:03:31,482
Congrats on all your success,
Kevin.
1253
01:03:31,586 --> 01:03:34,551
I'm sure it's gonna last
forever.
1254
01:03:38,034 --> 01:03:41,034
It's amazing to have Kevin Hart
and Shaq here.
1255
01:03:41,137 --> 01:03:45,379
Is this a roast or is this Tyler
Perry's Of Mice and Men?
1256
01:03:50,137 --> 01:03:52,724
Shaq's a very unique player
in NBA history.
1257
01:03:52,827 --> 01:03:56,689
He's the first player in NBA
history to have his shoe size,
1258
01:03:56,793 --> 01:04:02,655
IQ, and jersey all be
the same number.
1259
01:04:02,758 --> 01:04:05,586
Shaq is a police officer
in Florida.
1260
01:04:05,689 --> 01:04:09,275
If you want to escape from Shaq,
just jog slowly away from him
1261
01:04:09,379 --> 01:04:11,517
'cause that's--
1262
01:04:11,620 --> 01:04:15,689
And he'll fall eventually.
1263
01:04:15,793 --> 01:04:17,551
Snoop is here.
Snoop Dogg.
1264
01:04:17,655 --> 01:04:18,896
Snoop D-O-double-G.
1265
01:04:19,000 --> 01:04:23,793
Snoop is like a cool-ass
salamander.
1266
01:04:23,896 --> 01:04:29,655
Snoop's like a rejected
Mortal Kombatboss.
1267
01:04:29,758 --> 01:04:32,344
"Now you have to fight
fake Crip."
1268
01:04:37,068 --> 01:04:41,655
Snoop is good at social media,
but he's bad at music now.
1269
01:04:41,758 --> 01:04:43,965
Snoop, the only way you'll get
another hit is if you stand
1270
01:04:44,068 --> 01:04:47,068
behind Suge Knight's car
in a parking lot.
1271
01:04:50,068 --> 01:04:51,448
Chris--I don't know if
you know this about Chris.
1272
01:04:51,551 --> 01:04:52,896
He doesn't smoke weed.
1273
01:04:53,000 --> 01:04:54,517
He doesn't drink.
He's never done any drugs.
1274
01:04:54,620 --> 01:04:59,517
His only vice is performing
horrible standup comedy
1275
01:04:59,620 --> 01:05:01,689
all around the country.
1276
01:05:01,793 --> 01:05:03,482
Speaking of horrible comics,
Jeff Ross is here.
1277
01:05:03,586 --> 01:05:07,379
Jeff Ross.
Jeff, you look horrible.
1278
01:05:07,482 --> 01:05:12,896
Jeff looks like a combination of
every "before" picture ever.
1279
01:05:13,000 --> 01:05:14,827
Jeff only does roasts.
1280
01:05:14,931 --> 01:05:16,862
Congratulations on being the
only person on this stage
1281
01:05:16,965 --> 01:05:19,448
that's making 95%
of your yearly income today.
1282
01:05:23,655 --> 01:05:26,551
It's good to see Comedy Central
diversifying its talent
1283
01:05:26,655 --> 01:05:29,965
with whatever race
Pete Davidson is.
1284
01:05:30,068 --> 01:05:32,344
You just look real--
You're just real vague, man.
1285
01:05:32,448 --> 01:05:36,586
You have a weird, vague-ass
face, and I don't like it.
1286
01:05:36,689 --> 01:05:38,655
I don't like
your face at all, man.
1287
01:05:38,758 --> 01:05:40,551
You seem like a nice person,
but when I talk to you,
1288
01:05:40,655 --> 01:05:44,137
I don't have fun.
1289
01:05:44,241 --> 01:05:46,206
Pete.
Pete has got a lot going on.
1290
01:05:46,310 --> 01:05:48,482
Pete, I don't know how you can
juggle SNL,standup,
1291
01:05:48,586 --> 01:05:50,034
and Lorne Michaels' balls
in your mouth
1292
01:05:50,137 --> 01:05:51,793
all at the same time.
1293
01:05:51,896 --> 01:05:57,620
An amazing multi-tasker
Pete Davidson is.
1294
01:05:57,724 --> 01:06:00,724
Natasha Leggero is here
which means that right now
1295
01:06:00,827 --> 01:06:02,310
there's a bachelor party
discovering
1296
01:06:02,413 --> 01:06:05,655
that their cake is empty.
1297
01:06:05,758 --> 01:06:07,655
I'm not saying that
Natasha's a whore,
1298
01:06:07,758 --> 01:06:11,655
but I'm saying that Shaq can fit
both feet in her pussy.
1299
01:06:15,827 --> 01:06:17,379
And now the man of the hour.
1300
01:06:17,482 --> 01:06:20,931
Justin Bieber,
you dainty wigger, you.
1301
01:06:21,034 --> 01:06:22,551
Justin Bieber.
They say that you roast
1302
01:06:22,655 --> 01:06:25,068
the ones you love, but I don't
like you at all, man.
1303
01:06:25,172 --> 01:06:30,034
I'm just here 'cause this is
a real good opportunity for me.
1304
01:06:30,137 --> 01:06:32,724
Justin, oh, you gotta
give it up for Justin.
1305
01:06:32,827 --> 01:06:38,413
He started from the bottom,
and he's still a bottom.
1306
01:06:38,517 --> 01:06:42,206
I don't like your music, man.
I'm not a big fan of it.
1307
01:06:42,310 --> 01:06:44,413
I listened to some of it.
I'm not a fan.
1308
01:06:44,517 --> 01:06:46,965
I don't like your music.
1309
01:06:47,068 --> 01:06:49,034
I think it's bad.
I think it's bad, man.
1310
01:06:49,137 --> 01:06:52,241
I don't like it.
1311
01:06:52,344 --> 01:06:53,655
I hate your music, man.
1312
01:06:53,758 --> 01:06:57,862
I hate your music more than
Bill Cosby hates my comedy.
1313
01:07:05,551 --> 01:07:09,275
Yo, Justin, man.
1314
01:07:09,379 --> 01:07:11,000
Well, this has been cool,
1315
01:07:11,103 --> 01:07:14,931
and despite
all those foul things I said,
1316
01:07:15,034 --> 01:07:18,103
you seem like
a sharp businessman,
1317
01:07:18,206 --> 01:07:22,620
and, uh...
1318
01:07:22,724 --> 01:07:24,620
this is real cool
that you did this
1319
01:07:24,724 --> 01:07:26,931
and let all these strangers
shit on you
1320
01:07:27,034 --> 01:07:28,620
in front of all these
people,
1321
01:07:28,724 --> 01:07:30,275
and I actually like
that song Confident.
1322
01:07:30,379 --> 01:07:32,620
That's a good song.
I like that song.
1323
01:07:32,724 --> 01:07:34,931
So thanks for letting me do it,
and congratulations, man.
1324
01:07:35,034 --> 01:07:36,655
All right, later, y'all.
1325
01:07:41,241 --> 01:07:42,758
Hannibal just killed me.
1326
01:07:42,862 --> 01:07:43,758
[announcer]
Up next,...
1327
01:07:43,862 --> 01:07:45,586
Ahh!
Catch me, Kevin!
1328
01:07:45,689 --> 01:07:47,103
[announcer]
Justin Bieber gets revenge...
1329
01:07:47,206 --> 01:07:48,241
Let's do this.
1330
01:07:48,344 --> 01:07:50,172
- Everybody in here?
- I'm not in it.
1331
01:07:54,413 --> 01:07:58,482
[techno music]
1332
01:07:58,586 --> 01:08:00,206
All right.
1333
01:08:00,310 --> 01:08:01,586
Ladies and gentlemen,
1334
01:08:01,689 --> 01:08:04,413
I would give an introduction,
but I don't need to.
1335
01:08:04,517 --> 01:08:06,344
Ron Burgundy.
1336
01:08:06,448 --> 01:08:09,413
[cheers and applause]
1337
01:08:34,827 --> 01:08:36,931
Listen, people.
Listen, listen.
1338
01:08:37,034 --> 01:08:41,448
I don't have a lot of time,
all right?
1339
01:08:41,551 --> 01:08:43,862
I don't have a lot of time.
1340
01:08:43,965 --> 01:08:48,965
I'm currently over at
stage 24
1341
01:08:49,068 --> 01:08:50,551
hosting Spike TV's
1342
01:08:50,655 --> 01:08:53,068
"Your Mother's a Fat Bitch"
awards show.
1343
01:08:58,965 --> 01:09:04,655
Some real clever writing,
great energy over there.
1344
01:09:04,758 --> 01:09:07,931
Boy, have we got a great gang of
talented comics here tonight.
1345
01:09:08,034 --> 01:09:11,793
We've got Tom Dreesen,
1346
01:09:11,896 --> 01:09:15,034
Willie Tyler, and Lester.
1347
01:09:15,137 --> 01:09:19,172
I didn't realize Lester
was a live human being.
1348
01:09:19,275 --> 01:09:21,724
Gary Mule Deer,
1349
01:09:21,827 --> 01:09:23,551
Fannie Flagg,
1350
01:09:23,655 --> 01:09:27,068
top notch.
1351
01:09:27,172 --> 01:09:30,103
Star-studded evening.
1352
01:09:30,206 --> 01:09:33,206
Listen, I'm just gonna cut
to the chase.
1353
01:09:33,310 --> 01:09:38,344
Justin Biber--Justin Bieber,
1354
01:09:38,448 --> 01:09:40,689
you've been taking it
on the chin tonight.
1355
01:09:40,793 --> 01:09:41,896
You really have.
1356
01:09:42,000 --> 01:09:44,724
In fact, absolutely abused,
1357
01:09:44,827 --> 01:09:47,172
and I'm just here
to say one thing.
1358
01:09:47,275 --> 01:09:51,103
You people don't know what
the hell you're talking about.
1359
01:09:51,206 --> 01:09:55,034
As far as I'm concerned,
this guy is doing it right.
1360
01:09:55,137 --> 01:09:57,586
Here's a couple things I know.
1361
01:09:57,689 --> 01:10:01,586
September 1st, 2014, Bieber
arrested for a collision with
1362
01:10:01,689 --> 01:10:05,137
a minivan in his hometown
of Stratford, Ontario, Canada,
1363
01:10:05,241 --> 01:10:07,620
and then beat up
the occupant of the minivan.
1364
01:10:07,724 --> 01:10:09,344
Nice work!
1365
01:10:12,551 --> 01:10:15,448
October 18th, 2010,
Bieber accused of assaulting
1366
01:10:15,551 --> 01:10:17,862
a 12-year-old
at a laser tag arena.
1367
01:10:17,965 --> 01:10:20,448
Kaboom!
1368
01:10:23,517 --> 01:10:27,379
I only wish the kid was
a nine-year-old.
1369
01:10:27,482 --> 01:10:31,275
March 28th, 2013,
Bieber flies into Munich
1370
01:10:31,379 --> 01:10:34,862
with his pet monkey, Mally,
1371
01:10:34,965 --> 01:10:37,620
doesn't have the proper
paperwork,
1372
01:10:37,724 --> 01:10:42,172
so he leaves it at a zoo
in Germany.
1373
01:10:42,275 --> 01:10:47,034
It's a monkey.
It's named Mally.
1374
01:10:47,137 --> 01:10:52,827
Don't think twice--
you leave it at a German zoo.
1375
01:10:52,931 --> 01:10:56,344
March 4th, 2013, two hours late
to a concert in Dubai
1376
01:10:56,448 --> 01:10:58,827
because he refused to stop
playing a video game.
1377
01:10:58,931 --> 01:11:02,034
Say what?
1378
01:11:02,137 --> 01:11:03,551
Hocked a loogie
at his neighbor
1379
01:11:03,655 --> 01:11:06,275
after the guy complained that
Bieber was driving 100 mph
1380
01:11:06,379 --> 01:11:07,793
in his gated community
neighborhood.
1381
01:11:07,896 --> 01:11:10,517
Eat that, bitch!
1382
01:11:10,620 --> 01:11:15,586
July 10th, 2013, Bieber pees
in a restaurant mop bucket.
1383
01:11:15,689 --> 01:11:18,034
As he runs off, he sprays
a photograph of Bill Clinton
1384
01:11:18,137 --> 01:11:19,310
with a bottle of blue liquid
1385
01:11:19,413 --> 01:11:23,896
and yells,
"Fuck Bill Clinton!"
1386
01:11:24,000 --> 01:11:26,758
There's not a person in
this room who hasn't done that,
1387
01:11:26,862 --> 01:11:29,275
you hypocritical assholes.
1388
01:11:33,379 --> 01:11:36,413
This kid has spunk,
moxie,
1389
01:11:36,517 --> 01:11:40,344
and probably
a few other STDs, okay?
1390
01:11:46,172 --> 01:11:48,862
I've always encouraged people
to stay classy,
1391
01:11:48,965 --> 01:11:50,448
and what's more classy
than hanging out
1392
01:11:50,551 --> 01:11:55,379
with Floyd Mayweather?
1393
01:11:55,482 --> 01:11:57,241
Would I love to see Biebs
spending time
1394
01:11:57,344 --> 01:11:58,793
with Oscar Pistorius?
1395
01:11:58,896 --> 01:12:01,724
Of course I would,
but that day will come.
1396
01:12:07,827 --> 01:12:11,689
People refer to
Mr. Bieber as a kid or a boy,
1397
01:12:11,793 --> 01:12:13,379
but here's a newsflash, gang.
1398
01:12:13,482 --> 01:12:15,379
He's a man,
1399
01:12:15,482 --> 01:12:19,689
a full-grown man
who works and loves
1400
01:12:19,793 --> 01:12:22,310
and makes things
with his hands,
1401
01:12:22,413 --> 01:12:25,827
a man who sings songs
for nine-year-olds
1402
01:12:25,931 --> 01:12:28,275
and cuts his hair
like a gay figure skater.
1403
01:12:32,310 --> 01:12:33,827
This guy just continues
to impress.
1404
01:12:33,931 --> 01:12:36,482
Is there anything
he can't do?
1405
01:12:36,586 --> 01:12:41,517
In fact,
I pulled my pants down
1406
01:12:41,620 --> 01:12:43,827
and took a big, creamy shit
in the green room
1407
01:12:43,931 --> 01:12:45,793
because I thought to myself,
1408
01:12:45,896 --> 01:12:48,068
"That's how the Biebs
would do it.
1409
01:12:48,172 --> 01:12:52,137
Again and again
and again."
1410
01:12:59,413 --> 01:13:02,034
If anything,
Justin Bieber,
1411
01:13:02,137 --> 01:13:04,206
not only do you need
to continue to live your life
1412
01:13:04,310 --> 01:13:06,413
with the same
reckless abandon,
1413
01:13:06,517 --> 01:13:09,034
I suggest you
turn up the heat.
1414
01:13:11,517 --> 01:13:15,137
Oh, and one last thing,
if you're watching
1415
01:13:15,241 --> 01:13:17,586
from your monkey cage
in Germany...
1416
01:13:21,482 --> 01:13:23,517
Go to bed, Mally.
1417
01:13:23,620 --> 01:13:25,275
Good night.
1418
01:13:25,379 --> 01:13:28,241
[pop music]
1419
01:13:28,344 --> 01:13:35,620
♪
1420
01:13:35,724 --> 01:13:37,586
[announcer]
Up next: Justin Bieber.
1421
01:13:37,689 --> 01:13:39,448
There he is!
Justin Bieber.
1422
01:13:39,551 --> 01:13:41,655
That's the guy
you want.
1423
01:13:53,344 --> 01:13:55,379
Wow.
1424
01:13:55,482 --> 01:13:57,896
You know what?
Right now it's finally time
1425
01:13:58,000 --> 01:14:01,827
to bring up
the boy of the hour.
1426
01:14:01,931 --> 01:14:04,103
You, Justin Bieber,
it's time, man.
1427
01:14:04,206 --> 01:14:05,448
Here's what I want to say.
1428
01:14:05,551 --> 01:14:09,275
At 21, he's already the most
famous living celebrity
1429
01:14:09,379 --> 01:14:11,137
in the world.
It's true.
1430
01:14:11,241 --> 01:14:13,931
He has over 60 million followers
on Twitter.
1431
01:14:14,034 --> 01:14:17,517
He's at 40 million on Grindr.
1432
01:14:17,620 --> 01:14:19,517
It's true.
It's true.
1433
01:14:19,620 --> 01:14:22,724
It's weird, but it's true.
They love you, Justin.
1434
01:14:22,827 --> 01:14:26,413
He's a platinum-selling
recording artist, okay?
1435
01:14:26,517 --> 01:14:29,137
Justin Bieber has
the voice of an angel,
1436
01:14:29,241 --> 01:14:33,172
and he has the haircut and
tattoos of a lesbian butcher.
1437
01:14:33,275 --> 01:14:35,448
This shit is bad.
1438
01:14:35,551 --> 01:14:37,758
It's bad.
I don't like it, but I love him,
1439
01:14:37,862 --> 01:14:39,620
so I can't tell him.
You guys do it.
1440
01:14:39,724 --> 01:14:42,448
Write a letter.
It's fucked up.
1441
01:14:42,551 --> 01:14:44,758
It's fucked up, man.
1442
01:14:44,862 --> 01:14:46,275
Him and Snoop are in
the same position.
1443
01:14:46,379 --> 01:14:48,758
Nobody wants to say anything.
Look at Snoop's look.
1444
01:14:48,862 --> 01:14:52,068
It's like a teenage boy
in high school, but he grew up,
1445
01:14:52,172 --> 01:14:54,827
but he didn't graduate,
but he's in college.
1446
01:14:54,931 --> 01:14:57,344
What the fuck
are you doing?
1447
01:14:57,448 --> 01:15:00,931
Why does Snoop have on Chucks?
It makes me so mad.
1448
01:15:01,034 --> 01:15:04,206
I hate it.
I hate it.
1449
01:15:04,310 --> 01:15:06,620
What the fuck
are you doing?
1450
01:15:06,724 --> 01:15:09,241
Let it go.
Your kids are in college.
1451
01:15:09,344 --> 01:15:14,034
What 70-year-old nigga
is doing this?
1452
01:15:14,137 --> 01:15:15,275
I hate it.
1453
01:15:15,379 --> 01:15:17,413
Justin, that's where
you're headed.
1454
01:15:17,517 --> 01:15:20,758
It's right in front
of your face.
1455
01:15:20,862 --> 01:15:22,655
Look at old success.
1456
01:15:22,758 --> 01:15:25,241
Shaq has on a tie
with glitter,
1457
01:15:25,344 --> 01:15:26,965
and what the fuck
are you doing?
1458
01:15:27,068 --> 01:15:29,206
Like, I don't even know
what it is.
1459
01:15:29,310 --> 01:15:31,172
- Diamonds.
- Shaq, it's not diamonds.
1460
01:15:31,275 --> 01:15:33,965
It's graffiti.
You're stupid.
1461
01:15:34,068 --> 01:15:36,655
I hate it.
I hate my people, man.
1462
01:15:36,758 --> 01:15:38,655
I really do.
1463
01:15:40,758 --> 01:15:43,068
You know, I would say something
about you, Jeff,
1464
01:15:43,172 --> 01:15:45,206
but this is all you got.
1465
01:15:45,310 --> 01:15:48,068
I don't want to fuck this
up for you.
1466
01:15:48,172 --> 01:15:50,655
Every year you're back here.
This is it.
1467
01:15:50,758 --> 01:15:53,172
You're you, okay?
1468
01:15:53,275 --> 01:15:55,620
That's what you say to people
that you know not gonna make it.
1469
01:15:55,724 --> 01:15:57,241
You're you.
1470
01:16:00,482 --> 01:16:02,379
Right now, you know what?
1471
01:16:02,482 --> 01:16:05,310
It's about the guy
that we came to roast tonight,
1472
01:16:05,413 --> 01:16:08,862
and I can be honored to say
I'm a fucking fan.
1473
01:16:08,965 --> 01:16:11,000
Not only am I a fan,
I'm a friend.
1474
01:16:11,103 --> 01:16:14,034
I'm glad to be here tonight,
Justin, and I think
1475
01:16:14,137 --> 01:16:16,482
everybody else up here tonight
can say the same thing.
1476
01:16:16,586 --> 01:16:18,034
With that being said,
1477
01:16:18,137 --> 01:16:22,655
please make some noise
and welcome Justin Bieber,
1478
01:16:22,758 --> 01:16:25,793
ladies and gentlemen.
- ♪ I need somebody to love
1479
01:16:25,896 --> 01:16:27,517
♪ Do-do-do
1480
01:16:27,620 --> 01:16:29,517
♪ Oh, I don't need too much
1481
01:16:29,620 --> 01:16:31,344
♪ Just somebody to love
1482
01:16:31,448 --> 01:16:34,137
♪ Somebody to love
1483
01:16:34,241 --> 01:16:35,620
♪ I don't need nothing else
1484
01:16:35,724 --> 01:16:37,586
♪ I promise, girl, I swear
1485
01:16:37,689 --> 01:16:40,482
♪ I just need somebody to love
1486
01:16:40,586 --> 01:16:42,310
Damn, you guys were brutal.
1487
01:16:42,413 --> 01:16:44,310
Goodness gracious.
1488
01:16:44,413 --> 01:16:47,793
This was supposed to be
a birthday present.
1489
01:16:47,896 --> 01:16:50,000
When I tell people what I got
for my 21st birthday,
1490
01:16:50,103 --> 01:16:54,379
I get to tell them
that I got my dick kicked in.
1491
01:16:54,482 --> 01:16:56,827
I know I've been
driving recklessly,
1492
01:16:56,931 --> 01:16:58,931
getting arrested,
smoking weed,
1493
01:16:59,034 --> 01:17:02,586
abandoning monkeys,
and urinating publicly,
1494
01:17:02,689 --> 01:17:05,103
but my biggest regret
is plowing my Maserati
1495
01:17:05,206 --> 01:17:09,172
into Jeff Ross's Saturn
in the parking lot, man.
1496
01:17:09,275 --> 01:17:12,655
And, Jeff,
1497
01:17:12,758 --> 01:17:14,551
I feel really bad
because I don't know
1498
01:17:14,655 --> 01:17:18,724
where you're gonna sleep
tonight, man.
1499
01:17:18,827 --> 01:17:21,482
Look, I'm new to comedy,
but here's a joke, all right?
1500
01:17:21,586 --> 01:17:25,586
What do you get when you give
a teenager $200 million?
1501
01:17:25,689 --> 01:17:28,413
A bunch of has-beens calling you
a lesbian for two hours.
1502
01:17:28,517 --> 01:17:31,482
[laughter and applause]
1503
01:17:37,586 --> 01:17:39,379
All right, all right.
I'm playing.
1504
01:17:39,482 --> 01:17:41,034
You guys were all
really funny tonight.
1505
01:17:41,137 --> 01:17:42,965
When we were looking
for a roastmaster,
1506
01:17:43,068 --> 01:17:45,896
we called Jamie Foxx,
Chris Rock,
1507
01:17:46,000 --> 01:17:47,827
and they both
couldn't do it.
1508
01:17:47,931 --> 01:17:49,896
Then I had a great idea.
Let's call Kevin Hart
1509
01:17:50,000 --> 01:17:53,586
and see if he has
Dave Chappelle's number.
1510
01:17:53,689 --> 01:17:57,310
No, I have hu--
1511
01:17:57,413 --> 01:17:59,068
[inaudible]
1512
01:18:01,137 --> 01:18:03,310
- [indistinct]
- He didn't have it.
1513
01:18:03,413 --> 01:18:05,862
He didn't have it.
1514
01:18:05,965 --> 01:18:07,068
[Justin]
Kevin, you were awesome tonight.
1515
01:18:07,172 --> 01:18:09,000
I have huge respect
for Kevin Hart.
1516
01:18:09,103 --> 01:18:10,862
Kevin loves seeing himself
on the big screen.
1517
01:18:10,965 --> 01:18:15,793
And for him that's an iPad mini.
Sorry.
1518
01:18:15,896 --> 01:18:19,655
Kevin is so short,
he calls Lil Wayne "Wayne."
1519
01:18:23,620 --> 01:18:25,172
I love Kevin Hart's
career plan.
1520
01:18:25,275 --> 01:18:28,931
Do everything Martin Lawrence
did, only shittier.
1521
01:18:31,000 --> 01:18:32,896
And, Martha,
thanks for coming.
1522
01:18:33,000 --> 01:18:36,965
I know that's probably something
you don't do much of anymore.
1523
01:18:40,965 --> 01:18:43,172
Ah, Natasha Leggero,
1524
01:18:43,275 --> 01:18:44,896
this is my first time
seeing you perform.
1525
01:18:45,000 --> 01:18:46,827
You were really great
even though you didn't shoot out
1526
01:18:46,931 --> 01:18:50,413
a single ping pong ball
like Snoop promised.
1527
01:18:53,103 --> 01:18:55,655
And, Jeff Ross,
thanks for being here, man.
1528
01:18:55,758 --> 01:18:57,413
Jeff, you look like
the emoji you send
1529
01:18:57,517 --> 01:19:00,379
when you want to tell someone
you have food poisoning.
1530
01:19:02,896 --> 01:19:06,655
Oh.
1531
01:19:06,758 --> 01:19:08,551
Chris D'Elia is
my favorite comedian,
1532
01:19:08,655 --> 01:19:10,241
and I'm lucky to call him
a friend.
1533
01:19:10,344 --> 01:19:11,586
Chris actually
brought me on stage
1534
01:19:11,689 --> 01:19:14,000
at one of his shows,
and it was really cool.
1535
01:19:14,103 --> 01:19:16,275
It was the first time
I got to see what it was like
1536
01:19:16,379 --> 01:19:19,344
to perform for eight people
staring at their phones.
1537
01:19:23,310 --> 01:19:24,827
I'm a huge fan
of Chris D'Elia.
1538
01:19:24,931 --> 01:19:28,000
Chris gets a ton of girls.
You want to know why?
1539
01:19:28,103 --> 01:19:30,379
'Cause I'm a big fan
of Chris D'Elia.
1540
01:19:30,482 --> 01:19:33,206
That's right.
That's what I get.
1541
01:19:33,310 --> 01:19:34,551
Love you.
1542
01:19:37,034 --> 01:19:39,206
Luda, what's up, man?
1543
01:19:39,310 --> 01:19:41,344
I knew you would show up
for me tonight.
1544
01:19:41,448 --> 01:19:42,758
I feel like I've known you
my whole life,
1545
01:19:42,862 --> 01:19:44,103
but that's just because
you look like
1546
01:19:44,206 --> 01:19:47,000
the Mr. Potato Head
I had as a kid.
1547
01:19:52,310 --> 01:19:54,448
- Luda and I had--
- [laughing]
1548
01:19:56,551 --> 01:19:59,620
That's good.
That's good.
1549
01:19:59,724 --> 01:20:02,758
Luda and I had a lot of hours
making the song Babytogether.
1550
01:20:02,862 --> 01:20:04,689
In fact, he told me
it was the only baby
1551
01:20:04,793 --> 01:20:06,862
he ever made on purpose.
1552
01:20:12,965 --> 01:20:14,896
Of course I had to have
one of my favorite people
1553
01:20:15,000 --> 01:20:17,034
in the world here tonight,
Shaquille O'Neal.
1554
01:20:17,137 --> 01:20:19,000
Thanks for coming, man.
1555
01:20:19,103 --> 01:20:21,620
I love you, dude,
but how in 19 seasons
1556
01:20:21,724 --> 01:20:23,689
have you only made
one three-pointer?
1557
01:20:23,793 --> 01:20:28,827
I've hit more pedestrians
with my car.
1558
01:20:28,931 --> 01:20:31,344
And Hannibal Buress, thank you
so much for being here.
1559
01:20:31,448 --> 01:20:32,724
I don't really know much
about you,
1560
01:20:32,827 --> 01:20:34,413
but from what
I've been hearing,
1561
01:20:34,517 --> 01:20:37,724
I hope you don't know much
about me either.
1562
01:20:42,862 --> 01:20:45,413
Snoop Doggie Dogg,
what's up, man?
1563
01:20:45,517 --> 01:20:47,827
He's way too shy to admit this,
but he was actually
1564
01:20:47,931 --> 01:20:52,206
the Billboard'stop male artist
the year I was born.
1565
01:20:52,310 --> 01:20:53,827
And look at you now, Snoop.
1566
01:20:53,931 --> 01:20:55,724
You're one of
the ten dudes at my roast
1567
01:20:55,827 --> 01:20:57,103
sitting right next to
Martha Stewart
1568
01:20:57,206 --> 01:20:58,379
and that Hannibal guy.
1569
01:20:58,482 --> 01:21:01,551
How cool is this?
So cool.
1570
01:21:01,655 --> 01:21:04,517
You made it.
I'm proud of you, man.
1571
01:21:04,620 --> 01:21:09,758
I'm proud of you.
1572
01:21:09,862 --> 01:21:11,793
Before I go, I want to thank
everyone for tonight.
1573
01:21:11,896 --> 01:21:13,724
This roast was
a dream of mine.
1574
01:21:13,827 --> 01:21:16,206
I especially want to thank
all my fans, the dais,
1575
01:21:16,310 --> 01:21:17,724
and everyone
watching at home.
1576
01:21:17,827 --> 01:21:19,862
I turned a lot of people off
over the past few years,
1577
01:21:19,965 --> 01:21:21,827
but I know I can still
turn out good music
1578
01:21:21,931 --> 01:21:24,827
and turn everything all around.
You have my word.
1579
01:21:24,931 --> 01:21:28,551
I will not end up broken,
pathetic, bitter,
1580
01:21:28,655 --> 01:21:32,241
or sitting on the dais
of somebody else's roast.
1581
01:21:36,379 --> 01:21:41,206
No, but seriously.
1582
01:21:41,310 --> 01:21:44,000
Really, let's get serious
for a second.
1583
01:21:44,103 --> 01:21:47,310
There was really no preparing me
for this life.
1584
01:21:47,413 --> 01:21:49,517
I was thrown into this
at 12 years old,
1585
01:21:49,620 --> 01:21:52,344
and I didn't really know what
I was getting myself into.
1586
01:21:52,448 --> 01:21:53,965
There's been moments
I'm really proud of,
1587
01:21:54,068 --> 01:21:55,344
and a lot of moments
I look back
1588
01:21:55,448 --> 01:21:57,793
and I'm pretty disappointed
in myself for,
1589
01:21:57,896 --> 01:22:00,310
but the things that I've done
really don't define who I am.
1590
01:22:00,413 --> 01:22:02,758
I'm a kindhearted person
who loves people,
1591
01:22:02,862 --> 01:22:04,896
and through it all I lost
some of my best qualities.
1592
01:22:05,000 --> 01:22:08,275
For that, I'm sorry.
1593
01:22:08,379 --> 01:22:10,206
But what I can say is I'm
looking forward to being someone
1594
01:22:10,310 --> 01:22:12,448
that you guys can all look at
and be proud of,
1595
01:22:12,551 --> 01:22:15,551
someone you can smile at
and see some of yourself in.
1596
01:22:15,655 --> 01:22:17,034
Someone close to me
once said,
1597
01:22:17,137 --> 01:22:18,275
"It's how you rise
from a fall
1598
01:22:18,379 --> 01:22:20,206
that truly defines you
as a man."
1599
01:22:20,310 --> 01:22:21,655
I'm excited
for that challenge,
1600
01:22:21,758 --> 01:22:23,068
and I want to say
thank you so much
1601
01:22:23,172 --> 01:22:24,379
for taking this journey
with me,
1602
01:22:24,482 --> 01:22:27,103
and I'm excited for you
to see what's next.
1603
01:22:27,206 --> 01:22:28,310
Thank you, God,
for your grace
1604
01:22:28,413 --> 01:22:30,724
and for never
giving up on me.
1605
01:22:30,827 --> 01:22:33,827
[cheers and applause]
1606
01:22:45,275 --> 01:22:48,517
But one more thing.
One more thing before I go.
1607
01:22:48,620 --> 01:22:51,551
There's someone in my life who
I owe a special apology to.
1608
01:22:51,655 --> 01:22:53,103
I'm talking about someone
who I really loved
1609
01:22:53,206 --> 01:22:54,931
and lost because
I screwed it all up,
1610
01:22:55,034 --> 01:22:57,172
but thankfully
that special someone,
1611
01:22:57,275 --> 01:22:59,448
the love of my life,
is here tonight.
1612
01:22:59,551 --> 01:23:02,586
I just want that second chance,
so if you could come on out.
1613
01:23:07,275 --> 01:23:10,241
This is your monkey.
1614
01:23:10,344 --> 01:23:13,000
I missed you, buddy.
Want to go to the zoo?
1615
01:23:13,103 --> 01:23:14,000
I'm just kidding.
1616
01:23:14,103 --> 01:23:15,931
Thank you so much
and good night.
1617
01:23:25,000 --> 01:23:27,655
You did good, man.
I'm proud of you, buddy.
1618
01:23:27,758 --> 01:23:30,172
Incredible fucking show.
1619
01:23:30,275 --> 01:23:33,172
[techno music]
1620
01:23:33,275 --> 01:23:34,241
♪
1621
01:23:34,344 --> 01:23:35,448
It takes a lot of balls
to do that.
1622
01:23:35,551 --> 01:23:36,896
I wouldn't be able
to do that.
1623
01:23:37,000 --> 01:23:38,310
Happy to do it.
1624
01:23:41,896 --> 01:23:43,586
Great, dude.
It really was.
1625
01:23:43,689 --> 01:23:47,344
- It was really great.
- That's my guy, right?
116264
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