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1
00:00:03,957 --> 00:00:08,957
Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
2
00:00:39,071 --> 00:00:42,442
Girl, you're on in five.
Ooh, yeah!
3
00:00:46,144 --> 00:00:47,912
Thank you.
4
00:01:22,848 --> 00:01:25,751
All right,
let's hear it for Debbie!
5
00:01:27,586 --> 00:01:33,057
Debbie! Oh!
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
6
00:01:33,090 --> 00:01:37,095
put your hands together
for tonight's star attraction.
7
00:01:37,128 --> 00:01:43,402
Miss Champagne White!
8
00:03:36,013 --> 00:03:38,951
Oh, work it out, Miss Thing.
9
00:03:38,983 --> 00:03:41,185
Somebody better
get the extinguisher girl,
10
00:03:41,219 --> 00:03:43,188
because you were
on fire tonight.
11
00:03:43,220 --> 00:03:45,557
Thanks, Serge.
12
00:03:45,590 --> 00:03:47,159
Sometimes I think
you're my biggest fan.
13
00:03:47,191 --> 00:03:49,562
Well, I think Rod's got
14
00:03:49,594 --> 00:03:51,229
the market cornered
in that department.
15
00:03:51,262 --> 00:03:53,098
He's got a monopoly
on my heart,
16
00:03:53,130 --> 00:03:55,099
and his assistant manager
discount at Mall-Wart
17
00:03:55,132 --> 00:03:57,268
ain't half bad, either.
18
00:03:57,302 --> 00:03:59,705
Speaking of Rod, he called
for you while you were on stage.
19
00:03:59,737 --> 00:04:02,206
- Really? What he say?
- I'll hold.
20
00:04:02,239 --> 00:04:04,876
What?
Give me the phone, you jerk!
21
00:04:04,910 --> 00:04:07,713
Hi, Rod,
what's with the halftime call?
22
00:04:07,745 --> 00:04:09,748
You want to talk to me
about something?
23
00:04:09,780 --> 00:04:12,016
- Yeah.
- Something really big?
24
00:04:12,050 --> 00:04:14,687
God, Serge, I think
he's gonna pop the question!
25
00:04:14,719 --> 00:04:17,255
Atta girl! Reel him in, hook,
line and sinker.
26
00:04:17,288 --> 00:04:20,024
It's not like that.
We're in love.
27
00:04:20,057 --> 00:04:23,028
Shove off shit-head,
before I call security!
28
00:04:23,061 --> 00:04:24,730
Sorry, darling. Where were we?
29
00:04:24,763 --> 00:04:26,932
What's with all
the attitude Champagne?
30
00:04:26,965 --> 00:04:29,234
Sorry Al, I thought you wanted
them dead beats
31
00:04:29,266 --> 00:04:31,769
with a hollow leg
and a wedding ring
32
00:04:31,802 --> 00:04:34,739
banging my door down for
some private dancing lessons.
33
00:04:34,773 --> 00:04:38,344
The mouth of a sinner
in the body of a Saint.
34
00:04:38,376 --> 00:04:41,013
And you got the whole world
chasing its tail.
35
00:04:41,045 --> 00:04:42,714
Yeah, and I'd like
to keep it that way.
36
00:04:42,747 --> 00:04:44,617
So, if you don't mind, beat it!
37
00:04:44,650 --> 00:04:46,251
Sorry darling. Where were we?
38
00:04:46,283 --> 00:04:48,987
I guess you won't want
your paycheck, huh Champagne?
39
00:04:49,021 --> 00:04:53,626
Hey! Fork it over.
Mama needs a new pair of shoes.
40
00:04:53,658 --> 00:04:56,227
You are one tough bitch,
Champagne,
41
00:04:56,261 --> 00:04:59,765
and for some stupid reason,
I'm crazy about you.
42
00:04:59,797 --> 00:05:02,100
But for some crazy reason,
43
00:05:02,134 --> 00:05:04,770
I'm stupid enough to be the kind
of bitch to keep working here.
44
00:05:04,802 --> 00:05:06,872
I don't know what
it is you guys,
45
00:05:06,905 --> 00:05:11,376
but when I see the music
and hear the lights,
46
00:05:11,410 --> 00:05:13,746
it's like something inside me
begins to swell.
47
00:05:13,778 --> 00:05:16,949
Pounding deeper and deeper,
48
00:05:16,982 --> 00:05:20,319
until finally it explodes
and well...
49
00:05:22,119 --> 00:05:24,055
Well what?
50
00:05:24,088 --> 00:05:25,824
Well, you know the drill.
51
00:05:25,857 --> 00:05:27,792
Ten bucks and a two
drink minimum,
52
00:05:27,826 --> 00:05:30,028
these animals get
a show of a lifetime.
53
00:05:30,062 --> 00:05:33,131
Hell you guys, I love what I do,
but sometimes I get the feeling
54
00:05:33,165 --> 00:05:35,801
these blockheads wouldn't know
if the Mona Lisa walked up
55
00:05:35,833 --> 00:05:37,435
and slapped them
in their face with her dick.
56
00:05:37,468 --> 00:05:39,404
Don't be so hard on yourself.
57
00:05:39,437 --> 00:05:41,973
Girl, when you dance,
nobody can see straight.
58
00:05:42,006 --> 00:05:43,876
Oh, Serge.
59
00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:46,879
If only you weren't so gay,
60
00:05:46,912 --> 00:05:49,448
and if only Rod
wasn't packing 10 inches.
61
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,716
I mean, who knows
what could happen?
62
00:05:51,749 --> 00:05:53,918
Why don't you ask him?
He's still on hold.
63
00:05:53,951 --> 00:05:57,122
Oh, sorry, Rod.
Where were... oh!
64
00:05:57,155 --> 00:05:59,090
He says it's ten and a half.
65
00:05:59,124 --> 00:06:00,725
What the...?
66
00:06:00,759 --> 00:06:02,093
Sounds like trouble.
67
00:06:02,126 --> 00:06:05,698
Oh, my God!
68
00:06:05,730 --> 00:06:10,101
What the hell is that smell?
69
00:06:10,134 --> 00:06:12,737
I don't speak Spanish,
but if you ask me,
70
00:06:12,771 --> 00:06:14,473
it smells like somebody
cut the cheese.
71
00:06:32,824 --> 00:06:35,461
God damn it!
It happened again.
72
00:06:35,494 --> 00:06:37,396
I thought that first wacko
was just a fluke,
73
00:06:37,429 --> 00:06:42,000
but now
it's a regular deja-poo.
74
00:06:42,033 --> 00:06:43,968
You mean he...
75
00:06:44,001 --> 00:06:45,903
That's right, he shit himself
right out in public.
76
00:06:45,937 --> 00:06:48,006
Right in front of everybody.
77
00:06:48,038 --> 00:06:49,941
What could possibly
possess a person
78
00:06:49,975 --> 00:06:52,177
to poop their pants
in a public place!
79
00:06:53,511 --> 00:06:55,780
I don't know.
80
00:06:55,814 --> 00:06:58,283
But that better
not be long distance.
81
00:06:58,316 --> 00:07:00,786
Sorry, Rod.
82
00:07:00,819 --> 00:07:02,287
What is it
that you wanted to ask me?
83
00:07:02,319 --> 00:07:05,857
Champagne. It's too big.
84
00:07:05,891 --> 00:07:08,227
I know. I already
told them ten and a half.
85
00:07:08,259 --> 00:07:11,162
Champagne, baby, you got to
meet me after work, okay?
86
00:07:11,196 --> 00:07:14,333
Damn, it sounds like all hell's
breaking loose over there.
87
00:07:14,365 --> 00:07:17,301
Nah, the only thing loose
around here is some guy's stool.
88
00:07:19,037 --> 00:07:21,106
Baby, you got to be careful.
89
00:07:21,138 --> 00:07:22,874
Tell me about it,
third time this week.
90
00:07:22,908 --> 00:07:25,343
All these BM's are a lot of BS.
91
00:07:25,376 --> 00:07:27,379
I still got to do another number
92
00:07:27,412 --> 00:07:29,448
in this
velvet-flocked-out house.
93
00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,016
Champagne, baby,
you don't understand.
94
00:07:32,050 --> 00:07:35,052
Maybe you should try
a jazz routine.
95
00:07:35,086 --> 00:07:36,855
Huh?
96
00:07:36,888 --> 00:07:38,957
There's already
plenty of scat.
97
00:08:24,436 --> 00:08:28,106
Rod. Rod, look out!
98
00:08:28,138 --> 00:08:30,009
Rod!
99
00:08:34,145 --> 00:08:38,951
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
Rod! Help! Somebody help!
100
00:08:38,983 --> 00:08:42,620
Champagne, it's no use baby.
101
00:08:42,654 --> 00:08:44,423
I'll scream louder. Help!
102
00:08:44,455 --> 00:08:46,624
- No, don't.
- Okay.
103
00:08:46,657 --> 00:08:49,493
- Champagne?
- Uh-huh.
104
00:08:49,526 --> 00:08:52,163
You remember that big thing
I wanted to talk to you about?
105
00:08:52,197 --> 00:08:53,866
Uh-huh.
106
00:08:53,899 --> 00:08:56,134
- Will you...
- I do!
107
00:08:56,166 --> 00:08:57,902
- Will you listen to me?
- Wait, what?
108
00:08:57,935 --> 00:09:03,141
Mall-Wart. Evil plot.
109
00:09:03,174 --> 00:09:08,280
Sex. Drugs.
110
00:09:08,313 --> 00:09:10,148
Dixie Stampede.
111
00:09:10,180 --> 00:09:13,251
Rod, this is no time
for riddles.
112
00:09:13,285 --> 00:09:15,219
- You don't understand.
- A limerick, then?
113
00:09:15,252 --> 00:09:17,321
- No
- Haiku?
114
00:09:17,354 --> 00:09:20,024
I was employee of the month.
115
00:09:20,058 --> 00:09:21,426
That's not a haiku.
116
00:09:21,458 --> 00:09:23,060
Champagne!
117
00:09:23,093 --> 00:09:25,463
I'm sorry, darling,
I'm so bad at this.
118
00:09:25,497 --> 00:09:26,598
- Champagne?
- Uh-huh.
119
00:09:26,631 --> 00:09:30,434
Trust no one.
120
00:09:30,468 --> 00:09:33,005
Why, Rod? Why? Rod?
121
00:09:33,038 --> 00:09:35,540
Oh, God, please don't die.
Oh, God, no, no.
122
00:11:11,636 --> 00:11:13,671
Well, well, well.
123
00:11:13,704 --> 00:11:16,440
Look, who's all alone now,
124
00:11:16,473 --> 00:11:19,276
without her prince charming
to come say the day.
125
00:11:19,309 --> 00:11:21,646
Now, tell us what the dead guy
said to you
126
00:11:21,679 --> 00:11:24,449
and maybe we won't waste your
sweet ass after the gang bang.
127
00:11:24,482 --> 00:11:27,118
- Yeah.
- You just killed my fiancé!
128
00:11:27,151 --> 00:11:29,621
And if you think
I'm just gonna roll over
129
00:11:29,654 --> 00:11:34,159
and spread my meat curtains
so you midget dick morons
130
00:11:34,192 --> 00:11:36,361
can play hide
the Vienna sausage,
131
00:11:36,394 --> 00:11:39,297
well, you got another thing
coming or my name
132
00:11:39,329 --> 00:11:42,734
ain't Champagne Horowitz
Jones Dickerson White.
133
00:11:43,734 --> 00:11:47,171
Oh, don't!
134
00:11:47,204 --> 00:11:50,041
So I've been married
a couple of times!
135
00:11:50,074 --> 00:11:52,710
It's none of
your fucking business.
136
00:11:52,743 --> 00:11:57,581
- Oh, Iyaa!
- Bam!
137
00:11:57,615 --> 00:11:59,385
Oh, shit!
138
00:12:04,255 --> 00:12:08,460
- Yeah, yeah!
- Oh, no!
139
00:12:34,419 --> 00:12:37,423
Help! Help! Help!
140
00:12:44,496 --> 00:12:47,399
No! Help me!
141
00:12:52,636 --> 00:12:55,372
Thank God you stopped!
142
00:12:55,405 --> 00:12:58,309
Don't get too excited,
I'm a cop, not a customer.
143
00:12:58,343 --> 00:13:00,511
These two guys,
they were all over me.
144
00:13:00,545 --> 00:13:03,180
One came up the front,
the other came up the rear.
145
00:13:03,213 --> 00:13:05,150
Save your sick fantasies
for daytime television.
146
00:13:05,183 --> 00:13:07,285
No, you don't understand.
147
00:13:07,318 --> 00:13:09,487
Well, actually, I'd be lying
if I told you
148
00:13:09,521 --> 00:13:12,324
that a speeding ticket
turned afternoon delight
149
00:13:12,357 --> 00:13:15,794
in the back seat of a '57 Chevy
had never crossed my mind.
150
00:13:15,827 --> 00:13:19,397
But this ain't the afternoon,
and you're driving a Ford!
151
00:13:19,429 --> 00:13:20,832
You have the right
to remain silent.
152
00:13:20,865 --> 00:13:22,868
Wait, you think I'm a hooker?
153
00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:25,402
Anything you say can be used
against you in a court of law.
154
00:13:25,435 --> 00:13:27,205
- I was being attacked!
- Move it!
155
00:13:36,780 --> 00:13:39,483
Legal name?
156
00:13:39,516 --> 00:13:41,685
Champagne White.
157
00:13:41,718 --> 00:13:44,823
Full legal name?
158
00:13:44,856 --> 00:13:46,258
What are you driving at?
159
00:13:46,290 --> 00:13:48,693
You reek of divorce.
160
00:13:48,726 --> 00:13:51,396
Yeah, well you reek
of cheap whiskey and Vaseline,
161
00:13:51,429 --> 00:13:52,697
but I'm not sticking
to no report.
162
00:13:52,729 --> 00:13:54,932
Here's a news flash,
163
00:13:54,966 --> 00:13:57,435
lose the attitude
or I'm throwing you in solitary.
164
00:13:57,468 --> 00:14:01,173
Now, what's
your full legal name?
165
00:14:01,205 --> 00:14:05,843
Champagne Horowitz Jones
Dickerson White.
166
00:14:07,878 --> 00:14:10,181
So, I've been married
a couple of times.
167
00:14:10,214 --> 00:14:13,450
It's none of your
fucking business.
168
00:14:13,483 --> 00:14:15,586
- Spell it.
- You got to be kidding me.
169
00:14:15,620 --> 00:14:17,589
Spell it!
170
00:14:17,622 --> 00:14:21,492
C-H-A-M-P-A-G-N-E
H-O-R-O-W-I-T-Z
171
00:14:21,525 --> 00:14:24,862
J-O-N-E-S D-I C-K-E-R-S-O-N
W-H-I-T-E.
172
00:14:27,365 --> 00:14:30,268
Look, you and me
are gonna get along
173
00:14:31,299 --> 00:14:33,204
like noise and a hangover
if you don't start cooperating.
174
00:14:33,237 --> 00:14:35,907
I'm doing the best I can.
175
00:14:39,444 --> 00:14:42,247
Thank you.
176
00:14:43,881 --> 00:14:46,684
Oh, God.
177
00:15:03,534 --> 00:15:06,705
Listen, Champagne,
if that is your real name,
178
00:15:06,737 --> 00:15:08,672
I didn't want to pick you up,
179
00:15:08,705 --> 00:15:11,542
but I got the citizens for
morality breathing down my neck.
180
00:15:11,575 --> 00:15:13,545
I can't just turn
a blind eye anymore.
181
00:15:13,578 --> 00:15:15,646
Then why don't you try
turning your good one?
182
00:15:15,679 --> 00:15:17,281
Look, here's my trouble.
183
00:15:17,314 --> 00:15:19,284
You're totally gorgeous
184
00:15:19,317 --> 00:15:21,786
with a dynamite body
and brains to boot.
185
00:15:21,819 --> 00:15:24,256
But what I can't understand
is what a hot,
186
00:15:24,289 --> 00:15:27,492
steamy, plain, and vanilla
pudding like you
187
00:15:27,525 --> 00:15:31,596
was doing turning tricks
on the freeway overpass.
188
00:15:31,628 --> 00:15:35,566
- That's simple, Detective...
- Hammer.
189
00:15:35,599 --> 00:15:38,435
That's simple,
Detective Hammer.
190
00:15:38,468 --> 00:15:43,275
I wasn't. I'm not a prostitute.
I'm a professional dancer.
191
00:15:43,308 --> 00:15:46,944
Cool it.
192
00:15:58,055 --> 00:16:02,460
Knock it off. Sit down!
193
00:16:06,830 --> 00:16:11,435
I was simply coming home
from the supermarket,
194
00:16:11,468 --> 00:16:14,338
and these two mysterious men,
well, they... they shot Rod,
195
00:16:14,372 --> 00:16:16,074
and they came after me.
196
00:16:16,107 --> 00:16:18,642
All right. I'll bite.
197
00:16:18,675 --> 00:16:21,045
Why would two mysterious men
jump your boyfriend?
198
00:16:21,078 --> 00:16:23,448
- Fiancé.
- Fiancé.
199
00:16:23,481 --> 00:16:24,915
They wanted to...
200
00:16:24,949 --> 00:16:26,751
Champagne...
201
00:16:26,784 --> 00:16:30,422
trust no-one.
202
00:16:30,454 --> 00:16:33,624
They wanted to get
their hands on these.
203
00:16:33,657 --> 00:16:35,459
Your tits?
204
00:16:35,492 --> 00:16:37,362
What's so hard to believe
about that?
205
00:16:37,395 --> 00:16:39,597
- No offense...
- Then write it down!
206
00:16:39,630 --> 00:16:41,966
Damn it, Champagne.
I want to believe you!
207
00:16:45,636 --> 00:16:48,707
Move it, buddy. You've crapped
your last pair of shorts.
208
00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:51,409
Please man.
I need another bump.
209
00:16:51,442 --> 00:16:53,477
You need a baby
wipe you sick fuck.
210
00:16:53,511 --> 00:16:58,817
Oh, talk about the shit
hitting the fan.
211
00:16:58,849 --> 00:17:01,785
Zip it! Your potty
mouth punchlines really stink.
212
00:17:01,819 --> 00:17:03,887
So does your station,
but don't look at me,
213
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:06,624
I didn't pinch the loaf.
214
00:17:06,656 --> 00:17:09,660
- Excuse me?
- Laying a cable, man. You know.
215
00:17:09,694 --> 00:17:13,130
Dropping a deuce,
busting a grumpy.
216
00:17:13,164 --> 00:17:15,666
If a woman spoke to me
like that, I'd sue her.
217
00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:17,501
I don't mean to
poo-poo your ideas,
218
00:17:17,534 --> 00:17:18,902
but that would be
my number two choice.
219
00:17:18,935 --> 00:17:20,704
You're out of line!
220
00:17:20,738 --> 00:17:23,375
Defecation is
no laughing matter.
221
00:17:23,407 --> 00:17:25,642
Booty bumps are reaching
epidemic proportions.
222
00:17:25,675 --> 00:17:28,045
I've got kids, 12 years old,
hooked on them
223
00:17:28,078 --> 00:17:30,514
and there's no way to stop it.
224
00:17:30,548 --> 00:17:34,386
Booty bumps? Sounds like
a dance move, if you ask me.
225
00:17:34,418 --> 00:17:35,953
Yeah, and these poor saps
are dancing
226
00:17:35,986 --> 00:17:37,121
with the devil straight to hell.
227
00:17:37,155 --> 00:17:39,523
I don't follow.
228
00:17:39,557 --> 00:17:41,992
White lightning, crystal,
crick, crack, smack,
229
00:17:42,026 --> 00:17:44,663
Chrissy,
Tina, Britney, Judy, Eliza.
230
00:17:47,098 --> 00:17:49,466
The poor bastards are blowing
pharmaceutical grade speed
231
00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:50,969
right up their butts.
232
00:17:51,001 --> 00:17:52,470
And they get off on that?
233
00:17:52,502 --> 00:17:54,672
Oh, it's real fun, at first.
234
00:17:54,704 --> 00:17:58,542
A regular roller-coaster
joy ride.
235
00:17:58,576 --> 00:18:01,512
The only trouble is,
you can never get off.
236
00:18:01,546 --> 00:18:03,982
Before they know
what's hit them,
237
00:18:04,014 --> 00:18:08,152
they've shit themselves,
and the world comes crashing in.
238
00:18:08,185 --> 00:18:12,890
It's enough humiliation to drive
a freaking Catholic nun insane.
239
00:18:12,924 --> 00:18:15,926
Talk about your dirty habits.
240
00:18:18,729 --> 00:18:21,433
Sorry, the rim
shot guy's off duty.
241
00:18:21,465 --> 00:18:23,167
Tough crowd.
242
00:18:23,201 --> 00:18:25,002
Nice trick, you got me
running my mouth
243
00:18:25,036 --> 00:18:26,703
instead of running you in.
244
00:18:26,736 --> 00:18:29,840
Now, where were we?
245
00:18:29,874 --> 00:18:33,711
Hammer. Yeah, she's here. What?
Already? Damn it.
246
00:18:33,743 --> 00:18:37,048
It looks like you're free to go.
Some guy just posted your bail.
247
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:41,652
- Good old Serge.
- He your pimp?
248
00:18:41,685 --> 00:18:44,588
Listen, Mac.
I think your record's
249
00:18:44,621 --> 00:18:47,624
got a scratch, cause you
keep singing the same damn tune.
250
00:18:47,657 --> 00:18:49,493
One of your boyfriends then?
251
00:18:49,527 --> 00:18:51,863
Well, Detective Hammer,
252
00:18:51,896 --> 00:18:54,999
if I didn't know better, I'd say
you were flirting with me.
253
00:18:59,904 --> 00:19:03,974
So, call me Jack.
254
00:19:04,008 --> 00:19:07,178
I'd love to, but frankly
I've always hated that name.
255
00:19:07,211 --> 00:19:09,614
You don't miss a trick
do you, Champagne?
256
00:19:09,646 --> 00:19:12,583
Not on your life.
Here it is plain and simple.
257
00:19:12,617 --> 00:19:14,886
I don't call a man
by his first name
258
00:19:14,918 --> 00:19:17,788
unless I've slept with him,
in the biblical sense.
259
00:19:17,821 --> 00:19:19,723
And since I don't
particularly get off,
260
00:19:19,757 --> 00:19:21,993
being cuffed
in the back of a squad car
261
00:19:22,026 --> 00:19:24,729
and dragged down to the station
in the middle of the night,
262
00:19:24,761 --> 00:19:27,165
I think we'd better stick
with Hammer. Don't you?
263
00:19:27,197 --> 00:19:31,535
Now we're done with this little
cat and mouse charade.
264
00:19:32,904 --> 00:19:35,874
I think it's time for my exit,
stage right.
265
00:19:46,850 --> 00:19:49,953
If you have any more questions,
feel free to call...
266
00:19:49,986 --> 00:19:53,691
My lawyer.
267
00:19:55,992 --> 00:19:59,231
Ciao, Detective Hammer.
268
00:20:02,032 --> 00:20:05,002
Right on, sister.
269
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,707
Champagne!
270
00:20:10,741 --> 00:20:12,644
Brandy!
271
00:20:14,912 --> 00:20:18,049
Thank God you're all right,
I've been worried sick.
272
00:20:18,081 --> 00:20:22,185
The police, jail, prostitution.
273
00:20:22,219 --> 00:20:24,622
What gives?
274
00:20:24,655 --> 00:20:27,791
Look, it's been a long night
and it's late.
275
00:20:27,825 --> 00:20:31,194
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Okay.
276
00:20:31,228 --> 00:20:34,265
It all started when this guy
messed himself in the club.
277
00:20:44,742 --> 00:20:46,877
And the next thing
I knew Serge showed...
278
00:20:48,212 --> 00:20:53,151
Brandy? Brandy?
279
00:20:53,184 --> 00:20:54,985
Brandy!
280
00:20:55,019 --> 00:20:56,621
What?
281
00:20:56,654 --> 00:20:59,156
As I was saying,
282
00:20:59,190 --> 00:21:03,861
the next thing I knew, Serge
showed up and bailed me out.
283
00:21:03,894 --> 00:21:08,800
So did Rod say anything
before he,
284
00:21:08,832 --> 00:21:10,734
you know...
285
00:21:10,768 --> 00:21:14,172
- Before he what?
- Well, you know...
286
00:21:14,204 --> 00:21:16,707
What?
287
00:21:16,741 --> 00:21:19,777
Well, you know.
288
00:21:30,087 --> 00:21:32,757
Oh, that.
289
00:21:32,790 --> 00:21:37,361
Nah, just some mumbo jumbo
about Mall-Wart and evil plot.
290
00:21:37,395 --> 00:21:40,897
Poor guy wasn't making
any sense at all.
291
00:21:40,931 --> 00:21:44,168
Listen, Champagne, I know
I'm only your adopted
292
00:21:44,201 --> 00:21:46,703
half step-sister,
293
00:21:46,736 --> 00:21:50,742
but I'm also your roommate
and your best friend.
294
00:21:50,774 --> 00:21:53,877
I'm gonna cancel my bookings
for the next couple of weeks
295
00:21:53,911 --> 00:21:55,947
and I'll do whatever it takes
to help you fight this bum rap.
296
00:21:55,980 --> 00:21:58,182
Look, Brandy,
297
00:21:58,214 --> 00:22:01,685
you're the highest
paid calf model in the world.
298
00:22:01,719 --> 00:22:04,655
I'm not gonna let a little thing
like my life
299
00:22:04,688 --> 00:22:07,190
get in the way
of your modeling career.
300
00:22:07,223 --> 00:22:09,860
I took care of dad when mom died
301
00:22:09,894 --> 00:22:12,130
and I took care of mom
when dad died
302
00:22:12,163 --> 00:22:15,066
and I took care of you too.
303
00:22:15,098 --> 00:22:17,335
I think I can handle a bump
in the road now and then.
304
00:22:17,367 --> 00:22:20,137
Champagne!
305
00:22:20,171 --> 00:22:23,741
Rod's dead body is hardly
a little bump in the road.
306
00:22:23,773 --> 00:22:26,243
Please stop saying his name!
307
00:22:26,277 --> 00:22:29,847
- No!
- Oh, God, no, no.
308
00:22:33,250 --> 00:22:37,121
- Champagne?
- Yes, Brandy?
309
00:22:37,154 --> 00:22:40,223
Will you brush my hair?
Like the old days?
310
00:22:40,257 --> 00:22:42,661
Have a seat Rapunzel.
311
00:22:46,163 --> 00:22:48,700
So, what are you gonna do now?
312
00:22:48,732 --> 00:22:52,169
I don't know. Move on.
I guess.
313
00:22:56,906 --> 00:23:02,112
Today is a new day. First day
of the rest of my life.
314
00:23:06,117 --> 00:23:09,721
At least I still have
you and Sergio
315
00:23:09,753 --> 00:23:11,856
and my dancing career.
316
00:23:14,058 --> 00:23:16,994
- Champagne?
- Yes, Brandy?
317
00:23:20,130 --> 00:23:25,035
- Thanks for looking out for me.
- Sure thing, kiddo.
318
00:23:25,069 --> 00:23:29,741
I know something else
we could do for old time's sake.
319
00:23:29,773 --> 00:23:32,910
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
320
00:23:34,278 --> 00:23:37,115
Pillow fight!
321
00:23:56,966 --> 00:23:58,969
It wasn't our fault,
Miss Dixie.
322
00:23:59,002 --> 00:24:00,905
Yeah. This broad showed up.
323
00:24:00,937 --> 00:24:03,241
She came out of nowhere
with groceries.
324
00:24:03,273 --> 00:24:05,242
We tried to take her down.
325
00:24:05,276 --> 00:24:07,946
You've got to believe us,
Miss Dixie.
326
00:24:14,151 --> 00:24:17,922
Of course Miss Dixie believes
you...
327
00:24:17,954 --> 00:24:20,992
you unbelievable
fuck-ups!
328
00:24:21,024 --> 00:24:23,426
So typical.
329
00:24:23,460 --> 00:24:26,831
You send some men
out to do a man's job,
330
00:24:26,864 --> 00:24:29,232
and the other man's woman
stops the men the woman sent
331
00:24:29,265 --> 00:24:31,235
to do the man's job
in the first place!
332
00:24:34,504 --> 00:24:36,473
- Yeah.
- Yep.
333
00:24:36,507 --> 00:24:38,976
- Yep. I totally agree.
- Shut up!
334
00:24:39,009 --> 00:24:42,547
You two hack jobs
are supposed to be the muscle.
335
00:24:42,579 --> 00:24:45,316
Johnny The Guns
and Tony The Tiger.
336
00:24:47,483 --> 00:24:52,522
Two of the most notorious hoods
this side of Tucson,
337
00:24:52,556 --> 00:24:55,393
and you can't handle
a shop clerk
338
00:24:55,425 --> 00:24:57,561
and his crying ass
of a girlfriend!
339
00:24:57,595 --> 00:24:59,463
You don't understand.
340
00:24:59,495 --> 00:25:01,232
Yeah, that chick
had the moves.
341
00:25:01,264 --> 00:25:02,566
I'll show you the moves.
342
00:25:22,485 --> 00:25:24,955
But it's just some
lousy stripper.
343
00:25:24,989 --> 00:25:27,025
Just some lousy stripper?
344
00:25:29,626 --> 00:25:32,629
You damn fools.
345
00:25:32,663 --> 00:25:37,034
If Rod spilled the beans,
then that pasty faced
346
00:25:37,067 --> 00:25:41,305
pole licker may know everything
about our Mall-Wart brand
347
00:25:41,338 --> 00:25:45,276
discount escort service.
348
00:25:50,446 --> 00:25:52,116
- Tsk.
- Ooh.
349
00:25:52,348 --> 00:25:55,220
If that information falls
into the wrong hands,
350
00:25:55,586 --> 00:25:57,421
then this gravy train
is going down faster
351
00:25:57,453 --> 00:25:59,290
than the goddamn Titanic.
352
00:26:01,325 --> 00:26:05,630
Now, what are we gonna do about
that meddling saltine cracker?
353
00:26:06,664 --> 00:26:09,232
Her name is Champagne White.
354
00:26:09,265 --> 00:26:11,601
She lives with her adopted
half stepsister
355
00:26:11,635 --> 00:26:13,537
at that apartment complex,
Crystal Towers,
356
00:26:13,569 --> 00:26:16,006
down by Fisherman's Wharf.
357
00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:19,676
Yeah, and her adopted half
stepsister is Brandy White.
358
00:26:19,710 --> 00:26:22,546
You know, the super calf model.
359
00:26:22,578 --> 00:26:24,315
And maybe we can
rough her up a bit.
360
00:26:24,348 --> 00:26:26,216
That might get Champagne
to come clean.
361
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:34,558
Oh, that sounds
rather titillating.
362
00:26:36,659 --> 00:26:40,063
Tell Miss Dixie
what you gonna do to her.
363
00:26:40,097 --> 00:26:42,633
Give her the old one, two.
364
00:26:42,665 --> 00:26:46,604
Uh, ah. Yeah? Then what?
365
00:26:46,636 --> 00:26:49,440
How about a half Nelson?
366
00:26:51,642 --> 00:26:53,678
Or maybe a full Nelson.
367
00:26:57,080 --> 00:27:00,350
Triple Nelson.
368
00:27:02,086 --> 00:27:05,390
Oh, God. Oh, yeah. Oh, God.
369
00:27:14,164 --> 00:27:16,267
What are you two buffoons
standing around here for?
370
00:27:20,671 --> 00:27:23,507
Send that bitch's sister
to the hospital.
371
00:27:23,540 --> 00:27:26,444
- How bad?
- Yeah, how bad?
372
00:27:26,476 --> 00:27:29,446
Make the pretty model bleed.
373
00:27:58,474 --> 00:28:00,377
Nice calves.
374
00:28:07,251 --> 00:28:08,685
Hey!
375
00:28:10,087 --> 00:28:12,655
My colleague here
just paid you a compliment.
376
00:28:12,688 --> 00:28:16,159
Well, thanks.
377
00:28:16,193 --> 00:28:19,230
What do you say you and I
have a little talk, huh?
378
00:28:19,262 --> 00:28:23,166
Well, I'm busy
with my exercises right now.
379
00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:26,703
- Maybe some other time.
- Maybe some this time.
380
00:28:26,736 --> 00:28:31,074
Ow, you're hurting me.
381
00:28:31,107 --> 00:28:33,676
Damn, a real firecracker,
382
00:28:33,710 --> 00:28:37,348
just like her adopted
half stepsister.
383
00:28:37,380 --> 00:28:41,418
Wait. You're the two goons
that killed Rod.
384
00:28:41,452 --> 00:28:43,755
- Where's Champagne, hot legs?
- Oh, I don't know.
385
00:28:45,355 --> 00:28:47,724
I swear.
386
00:28:47,758 --> 00:28:52,030
No. Oh, no.
387
00:28:54,397 --> 00:28:59,569
My calves. Why? Why?
Ow, ow.
388
00:29:11,447 --> 00:29:12,649
Oh uh!
389
00:30:11,808 --> 00:30:14,377
Brandy, are you up yet?
390
00:30:50,213 --> 00:30:53,885
Mountain-grown aroma.
391
00:30:56,819 --> 00:30:59,290
Damn, that's good coffee.
392
00:31:11,467 --> 00:31:14,604
Brandy, there you are.
You want some coffee, hon?
393
00:31:15,905 --> 00:31:18,608
Champagne.
394
00:31:21,310 --> 00:31:25,882
Brandy. Oh, God. Brandy.
395
00:31:25,915 --> 00:31:28,219
Somebody call an ambulance.
396
00:31:28,251 --> 00:31:30,620
Champagne.
397
00:31:30,654 --> 00:31:34,425
Shh, don't speak.
What happened?
398
00:31:34,457 --> 00:31:39,796
Well, these two hoods showed
up while I was exercising,
399
00:31:39,829 --> 00:31:45,368
and they started asking
questions about you, Champagne.
400
00:31:45,402 --> 00:31:49,873
I told them that I didn't know
what they were talking about.
401
00:31:49,905 --> 00:31:54,244
They just started shooting.
402
00:31:54,278 --> 00:31:57,348
Oh, God, honey,
this is all my fault.
403
00:31:57,380 --> 00:32:00,617
- Hold on. I'm going to get help.
- No.
404
00:32:00,651 --> 00:32:03,387
It won't do any good.
405
00:32:03,419 --> 00:32:07,657
Oh, Brandy,
you're talking crazy talk.
406
00:32:07,691 --> 00:32:11,528
Wake up and smell the coffee,
Champagne.
407
00:32:11,560 --> 00:32:14,530
I just did.
408
00:32:14,563 --> 00:32:20,870
No one's gonna hire a model
with ground beef for legs.
409
00:32:20,904 --> 00:32:23,241
That's nonsense,
and you know it.
410
00:32:25,442 --> 00:32:30,580
Look at me. Look at me.
Look at me!
411
00:32:33,517 --> 00:32:37,453
Everything's gonna be okay,
I promise.
412
00:32:37,486 --> 00:32:39,956
That's easy for you to say.
413
00:32:39,990 --> 00:32:44,328
Your calves aren't
full of shrapnel.
414
00:32:45,995 --> 00:32:48,631
The bullets must
have hit an artery.
415
00:32:48,665 --> 00:32:52,403
What are we gonna do?
I got it.
416
00:32:52,435 --> 00:32:55,338
I'll fashion some sort of
makeshift tourniquet.
417
00:33:05,014 --> 00:33:07,583
Champagne, don't.
418
00:33:07,617 --> 00:33:12,021
Living a life without perfect
calves isn't a life at all.
419
00:33:12,055 --> 00:33:15,293
I'll be in prison,
420
00:33:16,659 --> 00:33:20,897
a prison haunted
by the painful memories
421
00:33:20,931 --> 00:33:22,533
of what could have been.
422
00:33:25,368 --> 00:33:29,572
Help me escape
this life of agony.
423
00:33:29,606 --> 00:33:34,412
Champagne, please,
just let me die.
424
00:33:40,649 --> 00:33:43,687
- Thank you, Champagne.
- I love you, Brandy.
425
00:34:00,436 --> 00:34:03,506
Oh, no. Oh, no.
426
00:34:10,180 --> 00:34:12,950
Oh, no!
427
00:34:24,093 --> 00:34:26,963
Oh, God, no.
428
00:34:32,736 --> 00:34:36,640
Oh, God, no. God, no.
429
00:34:41,444 --> 00:34:45,015
So, she was
some kind of relative?
430
00:34:45,048 --> 00:34:48,484
I already told you. She was
my adopted half stepsister.
431
00:34:48,517 --> 00:34:50,420
And you say you just opened
the door
432
00:34:50,453 --> 00:34:53,457
and she went down on you.
433
00:34:55,492 --> 00:34:56,859
How many times
do I have to say it?
434
00:34:56,892 --> 00:34:58,161
As many as it takes?
435
00:34:58,194 --> 00:35:01,664
Yes, yes, yes.
436
00:35:01,698 --> 00:35:03,834
- Had she been acting depressed?
- No.
437
00:35:03,867 --> 00:35:05,535
On any medication?
438
00:35:09,906 --> 00:35:12,476
Look, Detective,
if you've got something to say,
439
00:35:12,508 --> 00:35:14,511
say it to my face.
440
00:35:15,979 --> 00:35:17,714
Listen, milk breath.
441
00:35:17,747 --> 00:35:20,216
It appears that your adopted
half stepsister, Brandy,
442
00:35:20,249 --> 00:35:21,684
may have committed suicide.
443
00:35:21,718 --> 00:35:23,120
Are you out of your
freaking mind?
444
00:35:23,153 --> 00:35:25,122
Don't get hysterical!
445
00:35:25,155 --> 00:35:28,591
You got some nerve waltzing
around here in your cheap suits
446
00:35:28,624 --> 00:35:31,727
and your JC Penney shoes,
with the audacity
447
00:35:31,760 --> 00:35:35,064
to tell me that my adopted
half stepsister shot herself
448
00:35:35,097 --> 00:35:37,867
repeatedly in the calves
in order to take her own life.
449
00:35:37,901 --> 00:35:40,736
A regular textbook case.
450
00:35:40,769 --> 00:35:42,505
You're the dumbest cop
I ever met.
451
00:35:42,539 --> 00:35:44,941
Yeah? Well, we're all good
at something, sister.
452
00:35:44,975 --> 00:35:47,144
Did it ever occur to you
it could be the same two thugs
453
00:35:47,176 --> 00:35:48,845
that jumped me last night?
454
00:35:48,879 --> 00:35:51,915
- Still waters run deep.
- Get out of my house.
455
00:35:51,948 --> 00:35:53,783
We're not done
with the investigation.
456
00:35:53,816 --> 00:35:55,585
You were done the moment
you walked through this door.
457
00:35:55,618 --> 00:35:57,653
Try this on for size.
458
00:35:57,687 --> 00:35:59,690
A couple of good-time girls
get in over their heads.
459
00:35:59,722 --> 00:36:01,891
The fun and games turned ugly.
460
00:36:01,925 --> 00:36:03,794
And like the saying goes,
461
00:36:03,827 --> 00:36:06,629
"The dish
ran away with the spoon."
462
00:36:06,662 --> 00:36:09,131
That was Brandy's
favorite nursery rhyme.
463
00:36:09,164 --> 00:36:11,734
Oh, God.
464
00:36:21,912 --> 00:36:23,780
Fresh.
465
00:36:23,812 --> 00:36:26,782
Hammer. Yeah? Where?
I'm on it. Look, Champagne.
466
00:36:26,816 --> 00:36:29,553
I just received
an all-points bulletin.
467
00:36:29,586 --> 00:36:31,522
Five more public poopings.
I've got to act fast.
468
00:36:31,555 --> 00:36:33,857
Wait, wait. That's it?
469
00:36:33,890 --> 00:36:36,158
First my fiancé, and now
my adopted half stepsister
470
00:36:36,191 --> 00:36:38,060
are both brutally murdered,
471
00:36:38,093 --> 00:36:41,631
and you're not gonna do
a damn thing about it?
472
00:36:41,664 --> 00:36:43,766
Listen, I don't mean to burst
your bubble, Champagne,
473
00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:47,838
but without any hard evidence,
474
00:36:47,870 --> 00:36:49,939
my hands are tied.
475
00:36:49,972 --> 00:36:53,709
Give me a call
if you uncover any new clues,
476
00:36:53,743 --> 00:36:56,547
or if someone else you know
is brutally murdered.
477
00:37:07,122 --> 00:37:09,825
Ooh, you're looking so good.
478
00:37:09,859 --> 00:37:11,995
Ooh, I see you.
I see you right there, Sergio.
479
00:37:12,028 --> 00:37:13,597
Hey, Sergio.
480
00:37:16,131 --> 00:37:18,568
Come in.
481
00:37:23,772 --> 00:37:26,108
Champagne, baby,
what's going down?
482
00:37:26,142 --> 00:37:29,146
You sound all talking funny.
483
00:37:29,178 --> 00:37:31,247
Look, Serge, I don't want to
beat around the bush,
484
00:37:31,281 --> 00:37:34,952
but Brandy's, well, dead.
485
00:37:34,984 --> 00:37:37,053
- You got any coffee?
- I hope instant's okay.
486
00:37:39,622 --> 00:37:41,758
Serge, what happened
to your pants?
487
00:37:41,790 --> 00:37:43,794
Nothing. I don't know
what you're talking about.
488
00:37:43,827 --> 00:37:45,896
That's a lot of crap,
and you know it.
489
00:37:45,928 --> 00:37:49,198
- Now, what's in your pants?
- Nothing, nothing. I swear. No.
490
00:37:49,231 --> 00:37:52,735
- Oh, God. You shit yourself.
- It was an accident
491
00:37:52,769 --> 00:37:54,203
You're doing booty bumps,
aren't you?
492
00:37:54,236 --> 00:37:58,941
- No!
- God. Serge.
493
00:38:02,345 --> 00:38:07,350
Look at me. Look at me.
Look at me!
494
00:38:07,383 --> 00:38:10,653
You're higher than a hippie in
a helicopter, and you know it.
495
00:38:10,687 --> 00:38:12,689
They told me
it would feel good.
496
00:38:12,722 --> 00:38:17,160
And it did. It felt real good.
But now I can't stop.
497
00:38:17,193 --> 00:38:19,763
I need more. I need more.
498
00:38:19,796 --> 00:38:22,933
I need more, Champagne.
My ass is hungry.
499
00:38:24,734 --> 00:38:29,139
I'd do anything
for another bump, Champagne.
500
00:38:29,171 --> 00:38:31,907
I'll lick your pussy!
501
00:38:31,941 --> 00:38:36,346
First they took Rod,
then Brandy,
502
00:38:36,379 --> 00:38:40,250
and now you.
503
00:38:40,283 --> 00:38:46,656
I don't know what psycho, sick,
wacko freak job is behind this,
504
00:38:46,689 --> 00:38:51,193
but as God as my witness,
if I have to lie,
505
00:38:51,227 --> 00:38:54,897
steal, cheat, or kill,
I'll make them pay.
506
00:38:57,100 --> 00:38:58,802
Or my name ain't
507
00:38:58,834 --> 00:39:03,673
Champagne Horowitz
Jones Dickerson White.
508
00:39:03,707 --> 00:39:06,009
So I've been married
a couple of times.
509
00:39:06,042 --> 00:39:10,213
It's none of your
fucking business.
510
00:39:26,495 --> 00:39:29,265
Shaboom Boom Room.
511
00:39:29,298 --> 00:39:32,968
Hi, Al. It's Champagne.
Look, I need the night off.
512
00:39:33,002 --> 00:39:35,372
No way, Champagne.
Who's gonna cover your number?
513
00:39:35,405 --> 00:39:37,173
Get Debbie.
She needs the work.
514
00:39:37,207 --> 00:39:40,911
Debbie? Are you crazy?
515
00:39:40,943 --> 00:39:42,845
Putting that meat grinder on
in your place
516
00:39:42,879 --> 00:39:44,815
is like putting
a bull in a china shop.
517
00:39:44,847 --> 00:39:46,315
Somebody's liable
to lose an eye.
518
00:39:46,348 --> 00:39:48,117
I'm right here.
519
00:39:48,151 --> 00:39:50,854
Well, get someone,
because I ain't coming in.
520
00:39:50,886 --> 00:39:53,723
I'm warning you, Champagne.
521
00:39:53,756 --> 00:39:55,459
You better be on that stage
at 9:00 PM sharp.
522
00:39:55,492 --> 00:39:58,028
Fine.
523
00:39:58,060 --> 00:40:00,796
It's gonna look more like a
murder scene than a strip club.
524
00:40:00,830 --> 00:40:03,133
What's that supposed to mean?
525
00:40:03,165 --> 00:40:05,102
I've got the curse,
you old coot. I'm on the rag.
526
00:40:05,135 --> 00:40:07,203
- So don't wear white.
- Piss off.
527
00:40:07,236 --> 00:40:09,972
Come on.
I'm just yanking your string.
528
00:40:10,006 --> 00:40:12,075
Take a night off, kid.
You deserve it.
529
00:40:12,107 --> 00:40:13,776
Thanks, Al.
530
00:40:13,810 --> 00:40:15,879
Oh, oh, and by the way,
531
00:40:15,912 --> 00:40:17,881
what's the word
on the gangster types?
532
00:40:17,914 --> 00:40:20,350
The pushers.
Where do they go to unwind?
533
00:40:20,383 --> 00:40:22,285
Don Ramon's Mexican
restaurant, south of Market.
534
00:40:22,318 --> 00:40:23,919
Why you asking?
535
00:40:23,952 --> 00:40:25,988
Just curious, that's all.
536
00:40:26,022 --> 00:40:27,758
Well, you know what they say,
Champagne.
537
00:40:27,790 --> 00:40:29,493
Curiosity killed the cat.
538
00:40:29,526 --> 00:40:32,294
Not if the cat swallows
the canary first.
539
00:40:32,327 --> 00:40:35,264
Well, just be careful not to
swallow more than you can chew.
540
00:40:35,298 --> 00:40:38,769
Don't worry, Alzy.
This pussy's got teeth.
541
00:40:51,347 --> 00:40:54,051
Shh, it's me, Champagne.
542
00:40:55,885 --> 00:40:58,955
Hola, and welcome to Don Ramon's
Mexican style restaurant,
543
00:40:58,988 --> 00:41:01,892
bar, lounge, and donut shop.
544
00:41:01,925 --> 00:41:04,294
I am your server,
Juanita Bonita...
545
00:41:04,327 --> 00:41:06,062
Hi.
546
00:41:06,095 --> 00:41:08,531
- Carmen Carmacita...
- Okay.
547
00:41:08,564 --> 00:41:15,472
Rodriguez Gonzalez Lopez
Gina Rivera.
548
00:41:34,122 --> 00:41:35,992
What you like?
549
00:41:36,024 --> 00:41:39,428
I'll have the beef enchilada
plate with extra hot sauce.
550
00:41:39,461 --> 00:41:41,230
Oh, yeah.
551
00:41:41,263 --> 00:41:45,468
A strawberry daiquiri
and a bear claw.
552
00:41:45,501 --> 00:41:50,006
Yeah. And I'll have the
chicken fajitas, chips, salsa,
553
00:41:50,039 --> 00:41:54,278
one cream filled,
a Miller High Life.
554
00:41:56,211 --> 00:41:59,282
You know,
the champagne of beers.
555
00:42:00,649 --> 00:42:03,252
Move it, Chiquita!
556
00:42:03,285 --> 00:42:05,254
Accuse me?
557
00:42:05,287 --> 00:42:08,090
You heard him,
tortilla breath. Pronto, Andale!
558
00:42:12,896 --> 00:42:17,200
So, what if that Champagne
don't play ball, huh?
559
00:42:17,232 --> 00:42:19,035
Yeah, we'll put the screws
to her real good.
560
00:42:21,604 --> 00:42:24,540
And what if she still don't?
561
00:42:24,573 --> 00:42:27,310
Then we'll take her for
a long walk down a short pier.
562
00:42:31,513 --> 00:42:33,916
And still don't?
563
00:42:33,950 --> 00:42:36,019
We'll fashion her
a pair of cement shoes.
564
00:42:39,254 --> 00:42:40,557
- Still don't.
- Look, Johnny...
565
00:42:40,589 --> 00:42:43,359
Ay, ay, ay, papi.
566
00:42:43,392 --> 00:42:45,528
Don't you think you're being
too hard on the?
567
00:42:45,560 --> 00:42:47,597
I mean, whoever she is.
568
00:42:47,629 --> 00:42:49,531
Hey, beat it, Rosarita.
569
00:42:49,564 --> 00:42:52,501
Don't you got
some hash to sling?
570
00:42:52,535 --> 00:42:55,906
Yeah, but by the sound of it,
it's already been slung.
571
00:42:55,939 --> 00:42:59,609
God damn it.
Can you believe that?
572
00:42:59,642 --> 00:43:01,444
The lounge singer just up
and quit just like that.
573
00:43:01,477 --> 00:43:04,580
Who are you?
574
00:43:04,613 --> 00:43:06,148
- I new here.
- Damn it.
575
00:43:06,182 --> 00:43:08,450
If they keep hiring more girls,
576
00:43:08,484 --> 00:43:11,354
I'm never gonna be able
to afford that new toaster oven.
577
00:43:11,386 --> 00:43:14,057
Listen, cousin, I better get
that new toaster oven,
578
00:43:14,089 --> 00:43:16,091
or you might find yourself
579
00:43:16,124 --> 00:43:19,061
having a nasty little accident
with a deep fryer.
580
00:43:19,095 --> 00:43:22,598
Who am I kidding?
581
00:43:22,631 --> 00:43:24,533
We're not gonna get
out of here alive
582
00:43:24,566 --> 00:43:26,202
if we don't give
those goons a show.
583
00:43:27,569 --> 00:43:31,207
- Hey, hon, can you sing?
- No.
584
00:43:31,240 --> 00:43:32,642
You're hired.
585
00:43:39,649 --> 00:43:41,618
Hey, buddy.
586
00:43:41,651 --> 00:43:43,520
You got something
I can dance to?
587
00:43:43,553 --> 00:43:45,555
- You got it, Mama.
- Right on.
588
00:44:21,024 --> 00:44:23,626
You were dynamite out there.
589
00:44:23,658 --> 00:44:25,595
I'm glad you dug it.
590
00:44:25,627 --> 00:44:27,696
Yeah. I could really dig into
something else,
591
00:44:27,729 --> 00:44:30,265
if you catch my drift.
592
00:44:30,298 --> 00:44:34,003
I hear it's mating season
for the bearded clam.
593
00:44:34,037 --> 00:44:37,406
Ooh, now we're talking.
594
00:44:37,439 --> 00:44:41,744
But first I need
a booty bump real bad.
595
00:44:41,778 --> 00:44:46,082
What do you say
you smear my rear, big guy.
596
00:44:46,115 --> 00:44:49,019
Bend over, you back door Betty
597
00:44:49,051 --> 00:44:51,254
and get ready
for the ride of your life.
598
00:44:51,287 --> 00:44:54,624
- Hey, slow down.
- Too late, cream cheeks.
599
00:44:54,656 --> 00:44:56,526
I'm gonna get you speeding
so fast
600
00:44:56,559 --> 00:44:59,062
you'll be burning rubber down
the Hershey highway.
601
00:44:59,095 --> 00:45:01,131
The only highway is my way,
you jive turkey.
602
00:45:01,164 --> 00:45:03,033
You got answers and I want them.
603
00:45:03,066 --> 00:45:04,768
Okay, okay.
604
00:45:04,801 --> 00:45:07,037
- Who's the boss man?
- There ain't one.
605
00:45:07,069 --> 00:45:09,705
Listen, punk.
I only got so much self-control.
606
00:45:09,738 --> 00:45:11,573
No, no. It ain't a dude.
It's a chick.
607
00:45:11,606 --> 00:45:13,042
I want the name, the name.
608
00:45:13,075 --> 00:45:15,110
Dixie Stampede.
609
00:45:15,144 --> 00:45:17,213
What does she have to
with Rod and Brandy?
610
00:45:17,245 --> 00:45:18,747
Nothing.
They just got in the way.
611
00:45:18,781 --> 00:45:21,317
You bastard.
612
00:45:21,350 --> 00:45:23,053
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I just followed orders.
613
00:45:23,086 --> 00:45:24,788
What's the scam?
614
00:45:24,821 --> 00:45:26,089
She gets you
hooked on the drugs
615
00:45:26,122 --> 00:45:28,058
and then you go to work for her.
616
00:45:28,091 --> 00:45:30,226
She runs a stable of the
cheapest hookers in the country.
617
00:45:30,258 --> 00:45:32,428
What about the ass candy?
Where's the lab set up?
618
00:45:32,461 --> 00:45:35,330
The lab is downtown
in an abandoned warehouse
619
00:45:35,363 --> 00:45:37,766
behind the deserted
shipping dock
620
00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:40,202
across from the demolition site
and near the wrecking yard.
621
00:45:40,236 --> 00:45:42,472
I know the place.
622
00:45:42,504 --> 00:45:45,307
Thanks for the info.
623
00:45:45,341 --> 00:45:48,611
Now, beat it before I wise up
and change my mind.
624
00:45:48,644 --> 00:45:51,080
The only thing changing
625
00:45:51,113 --> 00:45:53,382
around here
is your life expectancy.
626
00:48:07,917 --> 00:48:10,587
There you are.
They want an encore, okay?
627
00:48:10,620 --> 00:48:14,324
what happened to him?
628
00:48:14,356 --> 00:48:16,926
He wanted an encore
and a toaster oven.
629
00:48:21,530 --> 00:48:24,301
Tony.
630
00:48:26,035 --> 00:48:28,771
- Yes, Miss Dixie.
- What the hell is going on?
631
00:48:28,803 --> 00:48:30,973
She takes down Johnny the Gun,
one of my top men,
632
00:48:31,006 --> 00:48:33,376
and think she's gonna walk.
633
00:48:33,408 --> 00:48:37,247
But every dog has its day, and
that bitch needs to be fixed.
634
00:48:37,280 --> 00:48:39,848
You want me to put her
to sleep permanently?
635
00:48:39,881 --> 00:48:42,651
There's nothing Dixie wants
636
00:48:42,685 --> 00:48:45,689
more than to swat
that frigging little fly girl.
637
00:48:47,555 --> 00:48:52,694
But, unfortunately,
you can't seem to do that.
638
00:48:52,727 --> 00:48:56,298
She's a chick, Tony, a chick.
639
00:48:56,332 --> 00:48:58,301
I know, boss, but she's tough.
640
00:48:58,334 --> 00:49:00,002
And so am I.
641
00:49:02,504 --> 00:49:06,642
I have spent a lifetime
undercutting the competition,
642
00:49:06,676 --> 00:49:10,280
shafting employees,
and building a monopoly.
643
00:49:10,312 --> 00:49:13,950
I'm not about to let some
"dancer" get in the way
644
00:49:13,982 --> 00:49:16,752
of my fast track
to corporate domination.
645
00:49:16,785 --> 00:49:19,488
I want the drugs in the streets
and the hos in the sheets.
646
00:49:19,522 --> 00:49:22,558
I want it done fast.
I want it done cheap.
647
00:49:22,591 --> 00:49:24,426
What's our motherfucking motto?
648
00:49:24,459 --> 00:49:27,597
Mall-Wart, always low prices.
649
00:49:27,629 --> 00:49:29,499
Always.
650
00:49:33,502 --> 00:49:36,706
What about that broad,
Champagne?
651
00:49:36,738 --> 00:49:40,475
Champagne. Champagne.
652
00:49:40,508 --> 00:49:43,612
That's all I'm hearing
these days. And I don't like it.
653
00:49:46,348 --> 00:49:50,086
Next time I hear
that hoochie mama's name,
654
00:49:50,118 --> 00:49:52,821
it had better be
in the history books.
655
00:49:52,854 --> 00:49:54,723
Comprende, Tony?
656
00:50:02,064 --> 00:50:04,867
Should I make it look
like an accident.
657
00:50:04,899 --> 00:50:08,738
I don't care, when you do it,
or how you do it.
658
00:50:08,771 --> 00:50:11,408
Just find her and do it.
Do you hear me?
659
00:50:12,908 --> 00:50:18,381
I want that Champagne on ice...
660
00:51:08,164 --> 00:51:10,667
Shh. It's me Champagne.
661
00:51:21,544 --> 00:51:24,480
Hold it. Who are you?
662
00:51:24,513 --> 00:51:26,682
Who am I? Who am I?
663
00:51:26,714 --> 00:51:29,718
Yes, who are you?
Your name, out with it.
664
00:51:29,752 --> 00:51:31,954
My name.
665
00:51:31,986 --> 00:51:35,023
My name, my name, my name...
my name is Diana.
666
00:51:35,057 --> 00:51:38,127
Diana Prince, -ton.
667
00:51:38,160 --> 00:51:42,531
Well, Diana, Diana Princeton,
this is a private facility.
668
00:51:42,564 --> 00:51:44,833
What are you doing here?
669
00:51:44,867 --> 00:51:47,604
I'm a world renowned
nuclear physicist's
670
00:51:49,504 --> 00:51:52,742
assistant's assistant.
671
00:51:52,774 --> 00:51:56,711
- And?
- And Dixie Stampede sent me.
672
00:51:56,745 --> 00:51:59,182
Oh, why didn't you say so
in the first place.
673
00:51:59,214 --> 00:52:01,216
I don't know.
674
00:52:01,249 --> 00:52:04,186
Welcome to our laboratory,
Ms. Princeton.
675
00:52:04,220 --> 00:52:06,856
My name is Dr. Pete Reedish.
Don't laugh.
676
00:52:06,888 --> 00:52:08,591
Okay.
677
00:52:08,624 --> 00:52:11,828
This is the central
nervous system
678
00:52:11,861 --> 00:52:15,698
for the creation of the uppers
that go into booty bumps,
679
00:52:15,731 --> 00:52:18,734
anal absorption,
shall we say.
680
00:52:18,767 --> 00:52:21,671
Science, after all,
is the name of the game.
681
00:52:21,703 --> 00:52:26,042
I most definitely concur.
682
00:52:26,075 --> 00:52:29,846
Now, tell me, why did Dixie
send you to see me?
683
00:52:29,879 --> 00:52:31,948
Because she thought
684
00:52:31,981 --> 00:52:36,084
you might want
some nuclear physicism.
685
00:52:36,118 --> 00:52:39,589
Where did you say
you were from?
686
00:52:39,622 --> 00:52:41,991
- Hasenpfeffer Incorporated.
- Hasenpfeffer Incorporated.
687
00:52:42,024 --> 00:52:44,894
Yeah, yeah. The schlemiel,
schlimazel department.
688
00:52:44,926 --> 00:52:47,762
That's funny. I used to work
at Hasenpfeffer Incorporated.
689
00:52:47,796 --> 00:52:50,500
- Shit.
- I never heard your name once.
690
00:52:50,533 --> 00:52:53,102
That's funny.
I heard it quite often.
691
00:52:53,135 --> 00:52:55,838
Well, that's funny because
I have a pistol in my pocket.
692
00:52:55,870 --> 00:52:57,606
Well, that's funny.
693
00:52:57,640 --> 00:52:59,775
I thought you were
just happy to see me.
694
00:52:59,807 --> 00:53:01,910
Mae West you're not,
Miss Whoever You Think You Are.
695
00:53:01,943 --> 00:53:03,646
The jig is up.
696
00:53:03,678 --> 00:53:05,747
So it really was a pistol
in your pocket.
697
00:53:05,781 --> 00:53:09,686
Yes. And maybe I was
a little happy to see you.
698
00:53:10,852 --> 00:53:13,188
Not that happy.
699
00:53:13,222 --> 00:53:14,990
You can't blame
a girl for trying.
700
00:53:15,024 --> 00:53:17,126
You're not actually
701
00:53:17,158 --> 00:53:19,995
a nuclear physicist's
assistant's assistant, are you?
702
00:53:20,028 --> 00:53:22,297
Guilty.
703
00:53:22,330 --> 00:53:24,901
You're that Champagne broad
704
00:53:24,934 --> 00:53:28,803
that whacked Johnny the Gun
at Don Ramon's Mexican Style
705
00:53:28,836 --> 00:53:31,072
Restaurant, Bar, Lounge,
and Donut Shop, aren't you?
706
00:53:31,106 --> 00:53:32,908
Yeah.
707
00:53:32,941 --> 00:53:34,910
I am that Champagne broad
708
00:53:34,943 --> 00:53:37,812
who whacked Johnny the Gun
at Don Ramon's Mexican Style
709
00:53:37,845 --> 00:53:39,981
Style Restaurant Bar, Lounge,
and Donut Shop,
710
00:53:40,015 --> 00:53:41,150
aren't you, am't I?
711
00:53:41,182 --> 00:53:42,651
He had it coming.
712
00:53:42,685 --> 00:53:46,155
And now, so do you. Tony.
713
00:53:46,187 --> 00:53:47,890
What is it now?
714
00:53:47,923 --> 00:53:50,593
Look who I found
snooping around.
715
00:53:50,626 --> 00:53:52,562
Hey, what did she find out?
716
00:53:52,595 --> 00:53:54,696
Just a few aspects
of the drug trade.
717
00:53:54,729 --> 00:53:56,298
I didn't say a word
about Mall-Wart.
718
00:53:56,332 --> 00:53:58,067
Mall-Wart?
719
00:53:58,100 --> 00:54:00,736
Smooth move Ex-Lax,
now you got to kill her.
720
00:54:00,769 --> 00:54:03,638
Don't do
anything rash, Reedish.
721
00:54:03,671 --> 00:54:07,309
I'm sorry, but you
give me no choice.
722
00:54:07,343 --> 00:54:09,578
Good going Champagne,
723
00:54:09,611 --> 00:54:12,314
you're 10 seconds away
from a gunpowder facial.
724
00:54:12,347 --> 00:54:14,983
I got it. I knew
those ventriloquist lessons
725
00:54:15,017 --> 00:54:16,886
would come in handy
one of these days.
726
00:54:16,919 --> 00:54:18,721
Shoot her.
727
00:54:18,754 --> 00:54:20,056
Hold it right there.
This is the police.
728
00:54:20,089 --> 00:54:21,724
We have you surrounded.
729
00:54:21,756 --> 00:54:23,758
- Who said that?
- I said freeze.
730
00:54:23,792 --> 00:54:25,761
- You're under arrest.
- Where is that coming from?
731
00:54:25,794 --> 00:54:27,664
Where everything comes,
her mouth.
732
00:54:30,198 --> 00:54:33,269
- And she swallows.
- Hey!
733
00:54:33,301 --> 00:54:35,604
And she takes it up the butt.
734
00:54:35,638 --> 00:54:37,707
- Did you hear that?
- Oh, yeah, up the butt.
735
00:54:37,740 --> 00:54:40,276
Just like you two flamers.
736
00:54:43,946 --> 00:54:46,281
- Where'd she go?
- Hell if I know.
737
00:54:46,314 --> 00:54:48,783
But if we don't find her,
738
00:54:48,816 --> 00:54:53,289
Dixie's gonna bust our balls
after she crushes our nuts.
739
00:55:16,745 --> 00:55:19,048
Hey, there she is!
740
00:56:36,191 --> 00:56:39,729
There's something funny
about that mannequin.
741
00:56:39,761 --> 00:56:42,198
Aside from its dubious size,
man hands,
742
00:56:42,231 --> 00:56:44,399
and a slight appearance
of an Adam's apple,
743
00:56:44,432 --> 00:56:47,268
it looks pretty basic to me.
744
00:56:47,301 --> 00:56:48,838
Yeah.
745
00:56:50,339 --> 00:56:52,742
Yeah, you're probably right.
746
00:56:52,774 --> 00:56:54,776
Look you go that way.
I'm gonna go over there.
747
00:56:57,412 --> 00:56:59,147
Phew.
748
00:57:15,196 --> 00:57:17,098
Cool your jets, Princess.
749
00:57:17,131 --> 00:57:19,868
Damn it, Hammer, you scared
the bejesus out of me.
750
00:57:19,901 --> 00:57:21,436
I didn't know you had
any Jesus in you.
751
00:57:21,470 --> 00:57:23,906
Talk to Father O'Malley.
752
00:57:23,939 --> 00:57:26,107
We got a call about a break-in
at the bridal hut.
753
00:57:26,140 --> 00:57:28,176
I didn't think
I'd find you here.
754
00:57:28,209 --> 00:57:30,245
Just doing
some late night shopping.
755
00:57:30,278 --> 00:57:32,514
We found Johnny's body.
756
00:57:32,548 --> 00:57:35,184
Good, you can add him
to the collection.
757
00:57:35,216 --> 00:57:38,186
You can't go around acting like
the goddamn judge and the jury.
758
00:57:38,220 --> 00:57:40,356
I don't see no one else
coming to my rescue.
759
00:57:40,388 --> 00:57:44,160
- We're working on it.
- So am I.
760
00:57:44,193 --> 00:57:46,861
You can't take law
into your own hands.
761
00:57:46,894 --> 00:57:49,130
Look, Hammer,
there's only been three things
762
00:57:49,164 --> 00:57:50,866
I've ever been
good at in this lifetime.
763
00:57:50,899 --> 00:57:52,902
Dancing and fighting
are two of them.
764
00:57:52,935 --> 00:57:57,173
Oh, yeah. What's the third?
765
00:57:57,205 --> 00:58:00,242
If you have to ask, you're not
the man I thought you were.
766
00:58:02,910 --> 00:58:05,947
Stand back Champagne.
I think she's got the rump rage.
767
00:58:05,981 --> 00:58:07,883
- Hammer, no.
- I can't take any more chances.
768
00:58:07,915 --> 00:58:09,385
I'm gonna have to put her down.
769
00:58:09,417 --> 00:58:10,952
Hammer, wait, don't.
770
00:58:10,986 --> 00:58:13,955
I know her. She's my friend.
771
00:58:13,988 --> 00:58:17,492
Debbie. Debbie, baby.
772
00:58:17,526 --> 00:58:19,828
Baby, it's me, baby.
Champagne.
773
00:58:19,861 --> 00:58:21,463
Champagne.
774
00:58:21,495 --> 00:58:25,166
Yeah. Champagne, baby.
775
00:58:25,200 --> 00:58:30,272
Nobody, nobody
is gonna hurt you. Okay?
776
00:58:31,439 --> 00:58:33,508
Okay.
777
00:58:39,314 --> 00:58:41,283
Champagne.
778
00:58:44,318 --> 00:58:46,855
What is it
you really want Champagne?
779
00:58:46,888 --> 00:58:48,390
Justice.
780
00:58:48,423 --> 00:58:50,091
For who, your boyfriend
781
00:58:50,124 --> 00:58:53,829
or your adopted
half step-sister?
782
00:58:59,001 --> 00:59:01,403
It could be your boyfriend
783
00:59:01,435 --> 00:59:03,606
or you're adopted
half step-sister.
784
00:59:03,638 --> 00:59:06,207
I want justice for all of them.
785
00:59:06,240 --> 00:59:08,409
Sounds to me like
you want revenge.
786
00:59:08,443 --> 00:59:10,011
You have no idea.
787
00:59:10,044 --> 00:59:12,080
- Try me.
- It's too hard.
788
00:59:17,084 --> 00:59:18,553
Come home with me tonight.
789
00:59:20,656 --> 00:59:23,392
I'd love to, Jack.
790
00:59:44,646 --> 00:59:46,981
Get on.
791
01:00:10,604 --> 01:00:13,074
Champagne?
792
01:00:22,216 --> 01:00:24,052
Champagne.
793
01:00:31,026 --> 01:00:34,964
Dear Jack, last night
was glorious.
794
01:00:34,997 --> 01:00:37,433
Sorry I couldn't hang around
to play house,
795
01:00:37,466 --> 01:00:40,035
but I've got a war to fight.
796
01:00:40,068 --> 01:00:42,738
No matter what happens, remember
I never meant to hurt you.
797
01:00:42,771 --> 01:00:45,374
Love, Champagne.
798
01:00:45,406 --> 01:00:48,276
PS, I borrowed
10 bucks for a cab.
799
01:00:49,276 --> 01:00:51,179
Damn it.
800
01:00:51,213 --> 01:00:53,214
That was my last 10 bucks.
801
01:01:03,457 --> 01:01:07,028
Shh. It's me, Champagne.
802
01:01:10,332 --> 01:01:15,237
Oh, hello. I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to startle you.
803
01:01:15,269 --> 01:01:18,639
You must be the new employee.
What's your name?
804
01:01:18,673 --> 01:01:23,178
Cham... pa, pa, pa, Pam.
805
01:01:23,211 --> 01:01:27,415
Pam Greer, Fawcett, Majors,
806
01:01:27,448 --> 01:01:32,553
oh, Newton-John, Jett,
Joan Fonda, Dunaway,
807
01:01:32,586 --> 01:01:36,492
von Furstenberg. Oy.
808
01:01:36,524 --> 01:01:38,693
So nice to meet you.
809
01:01:38,727 --> 01:01:42,431
Cham, pa, pa, Pam Greer-a,
Fawcett, Majors, oh, Newton,
810
01:01:42,464 --> 01:01:48,070
Jett, John, Joan, Fonda,
Dunaway von Furstenberg, oy.
811
01:01:48,102 --> 01:01:52,240
Such an interesting name.
Sounds Eastern European to me.
812
01:01:52,274 --> 01:01:54,276
I have a second cousin
from Yemen.
813
01:01:54,309 --> 01:01:57,578
Anyway, welcome
to the Mall-Wart family.
814
01:01:57,611 --> 01:02:01,649
My name is Janis.
815
01:02:01,682 --> 01:02:05,119
Janis.
I'm the supervising manager.
816
01:02:05,153 --> 01:02:07,689
So if you have
any problems whatsoever,
817
01:02:07,722 --> 01:02:09,792
please don't hesitate
to come to me,
818
01:02:09,825 --> 01:02:11,627
and I will do everything
I can to keep you
819
01:02:11,660 --> 01:02:14,129
from speaking to the media.
820
01:02:14,162 --> 01:02:17,366
Anyway, why don't
I let you get settled in
821
01:02:17,399 --> 01:02:20,736
and I'll go check in with HR
on your legal documentation?
822
01:02:20,769 --> 01:02:22,338
Okay?
Thanks, bye-bye.
823
01:02:34,515 --> 01:02:37,418
Debbie?
824
01:02:37,452 --> 01:02:40,222
Debbie, you'll
never believe what happened.
825
01:02:40,254 --> 01:02:45,394
Welcome to Mall-Wart,
always low prices, always.
826
01:02:45,426 --> 01:02:49,198
- Debbie.
- I hate overtime pay.
827
01:02:49,231 --> 01:02:52,301
- Debbie.
- I love Mall-Wart.
828
01:02:52,334 --> 01:02:55,370
- I hate lunch breaks.
- Debbie.
829
01:02:55,403 --> 01:02:59,375
I love Mall-Wart.
I love Mall-Wart.
830
01:03:01,575 --> 01:03:04,178
Hey, you, Snow White.
831
01:03:04,211 --> 01:03:07,648
Look... Oh, my God, Serge.
832
01:03:07,682 --> 01:03:10,385
Do I know you?
833
01:03:10,417 --> 01:03:12,887
Yes, Serge,
because it's me, Champagne.
834
01:03:12,921 --> 01:03:16,258
You look kind of familiar.
835
01:03:16,290 --> 01:03:18,392
Serge.
836
01:03:24,165 --> 01:03:28,269
Oh, Champagne, baby.
Girl, what's going on?
837
01:03:28,303 --> 01:03:30,739
Don't blow my cover.
838
01:03:30,772 --> 01:03:32,540
You sure ain't covering much.
839
01:03:33,941 --> 01:03:35,743
Simmer down helium heels.
840
01:03:35,776 --> 01:03:37,612
Last time I saw you,
841
01:03:37,646 --> 01:03:39,680
you were crashing harder
than a princess in a tunnel.
842
01:03:39,714 --> 01:03:41,617
Well, I never.
843
01:03:42,716 --> 01:03:45,220
Too soon?
844
01:03:45,252 --> 01:03:47,588
Anyways, girl,
what had happened
845
01:03:47,622 --> 01:03:50,826
was after I hit rock bottom,
846
01:03:50,859 --> 01:03:54,530
I was out on the streets trying
to get a fix any way I could.
847
01:03:54,562 --> 01:03:58,399
But then I found Mall-Wart
and I was saved.
848
01:04:00,468 --> 01:04:04,640
Oh, yes, thank you Black Jesus,
thank you.
849
01:04:04,673 --> 01:04:08,843
Anyways, girl, so it turns out
that the off gassing
850
01:04:08,877 --> 01:04:10,846
from the plastic products
851
01:04:10,879 --> 01:04:12,614
sort of works
as a sort of
852
01:04:12,647 --> 01:04:15,584
methadone
for my booty pump habit.
853
01:04:15,617 --> 01:04:19,821
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah,
that's that good, Good.
854
01:04:19,854 --> 01:04:25,493
Yeah, well you see,
as long as I work at Mall-Wart,
855
01:04:25,526 --> 01:04:29,597
I feel and act
like a normal person.
856
01:04:35,370 --> 01:04:37,906
And girl, guess what? I'm up
for employee of the month.
857
01:04:40,341 --> 01:04:42,443
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Serge, that's it.
858
01:04:42,477 --> 01:04:44,745
Rod was employee of the month.
859
01:04:44,778 --> 01:04:49,217
That's how they enlist you
as a half priced hooker.
860
01:04:49,251 --> 01:04:51,953
Girl, your weave is too tight.
861
01:04:51,986 --> 01:04:53,988
Uh-uh,
you ain't ruining this for me.
862
01:04:54,022 --> 01:04:55,958
I'm telling Janis
who you really are.
863
01:04:55,990 --> 01:04:58,759
Watch it you
little fudge packer.
864
01:04:58,792 --> 01:05:00,761
What did you call me?
865
01:05:00,794 --> 01:05:03,531
- A butt pirate.
- A what?
866
01:05:03,564 --> 01:05:06,568
A booty bandit.
A rump ranger.
867
01:05:06,600 --> 01:05:10,539
- A turd burglar.
- A brownie.
868
01:05:10,571 --> 01:05:12,774
Listen to me
you little fruit fly,
869
01:05:12,807 --> 01:05:15,611
At least I'm not some
middle-aged fag hag
870
01:05:15,644 --> 01:05:17,979
with fake titties
and bogus conspiracy theories
871
01:05:18,013 --> 01:05:20,482
wiggling her fat ass
up and down the aisle
872
01:05:20,515 --> 01:05:22,017
of some
discount department store
873
01:05:22,050 --> 01:05:24,385
looking for some
cut-rate revenge.
874
01:05:31,825 --> 01:05:33,594
Come here.
875
01:05:33,627 --> 01:05:35,530
- I missed you.
- I missed you too, baby.
876
01:05:35,562 --> 01:05:38,399
- Thanks.
- You look so good.
877
01:05:38,432 --> 01:05:42,271
Sergio. There you are.
Just the person I wanted to see.
878
01:05:42,303 --> 01:05:46,742
Listen, it was very close
and it was very tight,
879
01:05:46,774 --> 01:05:50,378
but the votes are all in,
and you have been chosen
880
01:05:50,412 --> 01:05:52,714
as employee of the month.
881
01:05:54,848 --> 01:05:58,953
Sergio, you must be so happy.
882
01:05:58,986 --> 01:06:01,990
I know I would be if I were you,
883
01:06:02,022 --> 01:06:07,428
a young boy emasculated by his
desire to lay with another man,
884
01:06:07,461 --> 01:06:10,965
desperately trying to claw
his way out of the closet
885
01:06:10,999 --> 01:06:14,669
and prove himself
in a bigoted society.
886
01:06:14,702 --> 01:06:18,306
Finally recognized
by his mentor,
887
01:06:18,339 --> 01:06:22,443
a compassionate
and beautiful woman
888
01:06:22,477 --> 01:06:26,649
who saw a glimmer of hope in
the eyes of a misfit homosexual.
889
01:06:29,017 --> 01:06:32,754
God bless America,
890
01:06:33,787 --> 01:06:37,760
land of the free.
891
01:06:41,930 --> 01:06:44,031
There will be cake
and punch served
892
01:06:44,064 --> 01:06:45,599
in the employees lounge, okay?
893
01:06:45,633 --> 01:06:47,035
Buh-bye.
894
01:06:48,470 --> 01:06:52,341
Champagne, I'm scared.
895
01:06:52,374 --> 01:06:54,343
Just play along.
896
01:06:54,376 --> 01:06:56,078
I'll think of something.
897
01:06:56,111 --> 01:06:58,013
What? You mean you want me
898
01:06:58,046 --> 01:07:01,383
to let them sell my ass to
the first John that comes along?
899
01:07:01,415 --> 01:07:04,352
Like that's a stretch.
900
01:07:04,385 --> 01:07:07,822
I'm sure there've been
plenty of mornings
901
01:07:07,856 --> 01:07:11,026
you've woken up next
to a complete stranger
902
01:07:11,059 --> 01:07:14,363
who's hair and teeth weren't
his own and his crotch smelled
903
01:07:14,396 --> 01:07:16,865
of baby powder and baloney.
904
01:07:16,897 --> 01:07:19,367
Oh, hell, we all have.
905
01:07:19,401 --> 01:07:21,770
But this time
you're doing it for money.
906
01:07:21,803 --> 01:07:24,772
Sure, it's illegal.
Sure, it's sleazy.
907
01:07:24,805 --> 01:07:28,008
This whole stinking world's
a cesspool waiting to overflow.
908
01:07:28,042 --> 01:07:29,877
But you're gonna grin
and bear it
909
01:07:29,910 --> 01:07:32,481
because that's what
I'm telling you to do, see.
910
01:07:32,513 --> 01:07:34,782
I'm gonna stop them.
I swear I will.
911
01:07:34,816 --> 01:07:37,118
I just need some more time
912
01:07:37,151 --> 01:07:39,820
and you're gonna buy it
with your body.
913
01:07:43,725 --> 01:07:46,395
I want to put an all points
bulletin out from one
914
01:07:46,428 --> 01:07:48,830
Champagne Horowitz
Jones Dickerson White.
915
01:07:48,863 --> 01:07:51,165
So she's been married
a couple of times.
916
01:07:51,198 --> 01:07:53,001
It's none of your
fucking business.
917
01:07:53,033 --> 01:07:55,136
I don't want her harmed,
you got that?
918
01:07:55,169 --> 01:07:57,805
We need to bring her in
for her own safety.
919
01:07:57,839 --> 01:08:00,107
I got a feeling she's about
to walk right into the middle
920
01:08:00,140 --> 01:08:03,845
of a hornet's nest
filled with killer bees.
921
01:08:09,450 --> 01:08:12,019
Of course, Horton.
922
01:08:12,053 --> 01:08:14,522
I'll send someone
over immediately.
923
01:08:19,660 --> 01:08:24,865
Tony, it's time.
Bring in the next whore.
924
01:08:27,968 --> 01:08:30,638
Oh, this one's named Sergio.
925
01:08:30,672 --> 01:08:33,742
Welcome to my stable, Sergio.
926
01:08:33,775 --> 01:08:40,482
Turn around.
Nice butt... tight, firm.
927
01:08:40,515 --> 01:08:42,918
Even on sale,
we could get a good price
928
01:08:42,950 --> 01:08:45,220
for a cum dumpster like that.
929
01:08:45,253 --> 01:08:48,924
Now let's see a smile.
930
01:08:48,957 --> 01:08:50,225
Mm-mm.
931
01:08:50,257 --> 01:08:52,126
I said, smile.
932
01:08:56,564 --> 01:08:59,668
And that's more like it.
933
01:08:59,700 --> 01:09:02,803
I just got off the phone
with Horton Mills.
934
01:09:02,837 --> 01:09:05,674
It seems the head of Citizens
for Morality
935
01:09:05,707 --> 01:09:09,744
is into anonymous gum jobs.
936
01:09:09,776 --> 01:09:11,512
Knock his teeth out
and send him over.
937
01:09:11,546 --> 01:09:13,748
You got it, Miss Dixie.
938
01:09:13,780 --> 01:09:16,551
Please, not my teeth.
I just had them veneered.
939
01:09:16,583 --> 01:09:17,819
Move it, dick bait.
940
01:09:20,622 --> 01:09:22,656
But what about my cake
and punch?
941
01:09:22,690 --> 01:09:24,893
Oh, you'll get your punch.
942
01:09:27,794 --> 01:09:29,832
What?
943
01:09:37,605 --> 01:09:39,908
They sent me
up from maintenance
944
01:09:39,940 --> 01:09:42,610
to unclog your chimney.
945
01:09:42,644 --> 01:09:45,747
Fine, but make it quick.
946
01:09:45,779 --> 01:09:47,848
I'm real busy.
947
01:09:47,882 --> 01:09:49,551
Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.
948
01:09:54,254 --> 01:09:57,993
Hello?
Well, hello, Mr. President.
949
01:09:59,127 --> 01:10:02,731
You want a young lady right now?
950
01:10:02,763 --> 01:10:05,600
Well, I'm afraid all of our
girls are tied up at the moment.
951
01:10:05,632 --> 01:10:09,537
No, no, I'm sure I could
scrape up something for you.
952
01:10:09,570 --> 01:10:11,071
What kind of lady
did you have in mind?
953
01:10:11,105 --> 01:10:15,577
Classy? Sexy?
954
01:10:20,147 --> 01:10:22,251
Refined?
955
01:10:24,752 --> 01:10:28,022
I've got just the girl.
I'll send her right over.
956
01:10:28,056 --> 01:10:30,191
Hey, you.
957
01:10:30,223 --> 01:10:32,127
You talking to me?
958
01:10:32,159 --> 01:10:34,662
Yeah, I'm talking to you.
959
01:10:34,695 --> 01:10:37,565
Look, I'm gonna need you
960
01:10:37,598 --> 01:10:41,569
to perform some
extracurricular activities.
961
01:10:41,602 --> 01:10:43,805
Now, what I'm gonna ask you
962
01:10:43,837 --> 01:10:47,575
to do isn't exactly
in the employee handbook.
963
01:10:47,609 --> 01:10:50,946
- Is it illegal?
- In most states.
964
01:10:50,979 --> 01:10:53,815
Ma'am, are you asking me
to prostitute myself?
965
01:10:53,847 --> 01:10:56,984
I'm not asking you,
grease monkey, I'm telling.
966
01:10:57,017 --> 01:11:00,087
Now, the only trouble
is the client,
967
01:11:00,120 --> 01:11:05,092
and this is a really big client,
mind you, wants a woman,
968
01:11:05,126 --> 01:11:07,095
but, unfortunately, we don't
have any available
969
01:11:07,128 --> 01:11:08,997
at the moment.
970
01:11:09,029 --> 01:11:13,000
So I'm gonna need for you to
dress in drag for the evening.
971
01:11:13,034 --> 01:11:15,704
Can you handle it?
972
01:11:15,736 --> 01:11:19,274
Well, I never cross-dressed
before.
973
01:11:19,306 --> 01:11:21,141
The panties cling a bit,
974
01:11:21,175 --> 01:11:23,278
and your toes most definitely
will hang over your shoes,
975
01:11:23,311 --> 01:11:25,880
but you'll get used to it.
976
01:11:25,913 --> 01:11:28,783
The real problem
is gonna be your size.
977
01:11:28,815 --> 01:11:31,986
With such a large masculine man,
978
01:11:34,689 --> 01:11:37,793
your body must be surging
with testosterone.
979
01:11:41,162 --> 01:11:44,132
You know, never really thought
I was all that manly.
980
01:11:44,164 --> 01:11:46,266
Oh, you are.
981
01:11:46,300 --> 01:11:49,003
Getting you to pass for a woman
is not gonna be easy,
982
01:11:49,037 --> 01:11:50,638
and finding a dress
in your size,
983
01:11:50,672 --> 01:11:53,808
is gonna be even harder.
984
01:11:53,841 --> 01:11:57,745
We'll have to see what we can
find in the plus size section,
985
01:11:59,247 --> 01:12:02,249
possibly
the maternity department.
986
01:12:02,283 --> 01:12:05,787
Hell, I've got a slip cover
from my couch at home.
987
01:12:05,820 --> 01:12:07,822
I'm sure
you can find something.
988
01:12:07,855 --> 01:12:09,357
- It's a sectional.
- Got it.
989
01:12:09,390 --> 01:12:11,325
Seats eight.
990
01:12:11,359 --> 01:12:13,028
You know what?
I'll get my own outfit.
991
01:12:13,061 --> 01:12:14,630
Attaboy.
992
01:12:15,829 --> 01:12:17,798
The dick's been dropped.
993
01:12:20,101 --> 01:12:23,171
Hey, what's with
the new janitor outfit,
994
01:12:23,204 --> 01:12:25,740
some kind of kinky new fetish?
995
01:12:25,772 --> 01:12:27,376
- You can say that.
- Yeah.
996
01:12:29,110 --> 01:12:31,780
Hey, there's something
real fishy about you.
997
01:12:31,812 --> 01:12:34,281
Yeah?
Well, I got a real fishy face.
998
01:12:34,315 --> 01:12:36,818
Come on, Tony.
999
01:12:36,851 --> 01:12:39,688
You've seen one maintenance man,
you've seen them all.
1000
01:12:39,721 --> 01:12:42,790
I'll buy the maintenance part,
but not the man.
1001
01:12:42,824 --> 01:12:44,593
Ouch!
1002
01:12:48,462 --> 01:12:50,097
You mean she's not a man?
1003
01:12:50,131 --> 01:12:51,767
Okay, you know what?
Go to hell.
1004
01:12:53,767 --> 01:12:57,872
Oh, my God No, no.
1005
01:13:00,107 --> 01:13:03,011
It's that broad that's been
given us so much trouble.
1006
01:13:03,043 --> 01:13:07,181
Well, Miss Champagne,
we meet at last.
1007
01:13:25,967 --> 01:13:27,402
You're not gonna
get away with this.
1008
01:13:27,435 --> 01:13:29,404
Oh, but I already have.
1009
01:13:29,436 --> 01:13:32,473
Take Champagne to the penthouse.
1010
01:13:32,507 --> 01:13:35,343
And...
1011
01:13:35,376 --> 01:13:39,780
have Dr. Reedish fill her
sweet, brown Rose full of smack.
1012
01:13:39,814 --> 01:13:42,450
Oh, God, no. Please, no.
1013
01:13:42,482 --> 01:13:47,288
And when she's good
and strung out,
1014
01:13:47,320 --> 01:13:50,190
you can slice that hair pie.
1015
01:13:50,223 --> 01:13:52,159
No. No.
1016
01:13:52,193 --> 01:13:53,861
Or...
1017
01:13:56,129 --> 01:14:01,035
Drill for oil in that skanky
prune danish.
1018
01:14:02,803 --> 01:14:05,205
Once you're done with her,
you can sell her
1019
01:14:05,239 --> 01:14:07,809
into white slavery
on the black market.
1020
01:14:07,842 --> 01:14:11,046
- I hate you.
- I know, darling,
1021
01:14:15,949 --> 01:14:18,185
Get her out of here.
1022
01:14:18,218 --> 01:14:21,222
No. No. No, please. No.
1023
01:14:29,596 --> 01:14:31,565
That's what I call
a case of blue balls.
1024
01:14:31,598 --> 01:14:33,967
You bitch.
1025
01:14:36,503 --> 01:14:38,939
Make it black and blue balls.
1026
01:14:49,150 --> 01:14:52,420
Please, please don't shove
that crap up my poop chute.
1027
01:14:52,453 --> 01:14:54,522
This dope should shut you up.
1028
01:14:54,555 --> 01:14:56,223
Yeah, well, this chair
should shut you up.
1029
01:15:48,208 --> 01:15:50,110
No.
1030
01:16:30,383 --> 01:16:33,053
- Shaboom Boom Room.
- Al, it's me, Champagne.
1031
01:16:33,087 --> 01:16:34,589
Where the hell are you?
1032
01:16:34,622 --> 01:16:36,057
You're due on stage
in 45 minutes.
1033
01:16:36,089 --> 01:16:38,092
Look, Al, I'm gonna be late.
1034
01:16:38,124 --> 01:16:41,194
- Here we go again.
- Al, you got to listen to me.
1035
01:16:41,227 --> 01:16:44,399
Randy and Rod have been killed,
Sergio has been brainwashed,
1036
01:16:44,431 --> 01:16:46,934
and I've been kidnapped by the
secret president of Mall-Wart,
1037
01:16:46,967 --> 01:16:48,669
who's trying
to take over the world.
1038
01:16:48,703 --> 01:16:51,071
Yeah. I'm sick of your
cockamamie stories.
1039
01:16:51,105 --> 01:16:54,309
Now, I want your fat ass
down here at the club,
1040
01:16:54,342 --> 01:16:56,945
and I want to see those
lily-white bazooms up on stage
1041
01:16:56,977 --> 01:17:00,315
at 9:00 PM sharp,
or you are fired.
1042
01:17:00,347 --> 01:17:02,984
You got it? You're never gonna
work in this town again.
1043
01:17:03,016 --> 01:17:09,256
But, Al, you got to...
Al? Al? Al? Al?
1044
01:17:11,624 --> 01:17:14,095
- It's for you.
- Huh?
1045
01:17:17,998 --> 01:17:22,603
This is for Rod and Brandy.
Sayonara, shithead!
1046
01:17:25,138 --> 01:17:29,144
It's curtains...
For you, Miss Champagne.
1047
01:18:12,052 --> 01:18:14,187
You may be blind to all
the lives you ruined,
1048
01:18:14,221 --> 01:18:16,191
but now you're just blind.
1049
01:18:21,195 --> 01:18:24,766
Take this ,
you scum bag drug pusher.
1050
01:18:45,653 --> 01:18:49,457
You pushed Dixie too far.
1051
01:18:49,489 --> 01:18:54,194
Lady champagne in my ass,
I'm gonna pound every bubble
1052
01:18:54,227 --> 01:18:57,265
out of you till you're flat
as cheap table wine.
1053
01:19:12,712 --> 01:19:16,383
Go ahead. Make my day.
1054
01:19:52,753 --> 01:19:55,356
Hold it.
1055
01:19:55,388 --> 01:19:57,725
I'm packing enough
explosives to blow
1056
01:19:57,757 --> 01:19:59,860
these 'ginas straight to China.
1057
01:20:01,829 --> 01:20:04,665
You're insane.
1058
01:20:20,914 --> 01:20:24,452
On the contrary,
1059
01:20:24,485 --> 01:20:29,390
in order to secure Mall-Wart
as the strongest worldwide
1060
01:20:29,422 --> 01:20:33,160
economic
consumer-based super first,
1061
01:20:35,495 --> 01:20:39,600
we needed to come up
with a phrase like that.
1062
01:20:39,632 --> 01:20:43,904
Then I needed
to conquer the world.
1063
01:20:43,937 --> 01:20:48,176
And through cum
and caca, we will.
1064
01:20:52,512 --> 01:20:54,548
But if you blow us up,
1065
01:20:54,582 --> 01:20:57,285
you'll die too,
and so will your empire.
1066
01:20:57,318 --> 01:20:59,287
Wrong again, missy.
1067
01:21:02,756 --> 01:21:07,595
Mall-Wart has recently merged
with McDonald's,
1068
01:21:07,628 --> 01:21:13,701
Coca Cola,
Philip Morris, and Sizzler.
1069
01:21:13,734 --> 01:21:17,738
An army of crack whores
is being assembled as we speak.
1070
01:21:17,770 --> 01:21:21,374
They may not be
the most attractive people,
1071
01:21:21,408 --> 01:21:24,479
but at these prices,
our customers can't resist.
1072
01:21:27,780 --> 01:21:33,287
So you see, even if I die,
my legacy will prevail,
1073
01:21:33,320 --> 01:21:37,792
for in essence, they are all me
1074
01:21:37,824 --> 01:21:40,860
in every happy meal,
1075
01:21:40,894 --> 01:21:45,533
Coke classic or Virginia Slim
deluxe ultra-light 100.
1076
01:21:58,345 --> 01:22:01,348
Work as my number one dealer,
and I'll spare your life.
1077
01:22:03,650 --> 01:22:07,287
Come to the dark side,
Champagne.
1078
01:22:07,320 --> 01:22:11,693
We can rule the world,
the galaxy, together.
1079
01:22:12,926 --> 01:22:17,765
Well, no.
1080
01:22:17,797 --> 01:22:20,001
You'll have to kill me first.
1081
01:22:20,034 --> 01:22:23,537
And, you know,
I don't even care.
1082
01:22:23,570 --> 01:22:26,741
There isn't a single person
in this rotten town
1083
01:22:26,774 --> 01:22:28,876
who gives a rat's ass
whether I live a die.
1084
01:22:28,909 --> 01:22:31,479
Except one.
1085
01:22:32,479 --> 01:22:35,283
- Jack.
- It's Hammer time.
1086
01:22:35,315 --> 01:22:38,318
- Jack, what are you doing here?
- I love you, Champagne.
1087
01:22:38,351 --> 01:22:40,954
Why couldn't you
have just let me go?
1088
01:22:40,988 --> 01:22:42,990
You're not just the catch
of the day,
1089
01:22:43,022 --> 01:22:45,426
you're the quest of a lifetime.
1090
01:22:45,458 --> 01:22:51,031
Hell, Champagne,
you're my goddamn Moby Dick.
1091
01:22:57,337 --> 01:23:00,407
Oh, Jack.
1092
01:23:00,440 --> 01:23:02,609
Piss off, pig,
I'm taking you down too.
1093
01:23:02,642 --> 01:23:04,611
You got nothing
to worry about.
1094
01:23:04,645 --> 01:23:06,847
We got the goods
on her entire organization,
1095
01:23:06,879 --> 01:23:09,784
from the booty bumps
to the discount escort service.
1096
01:23:09,816 --> 01:23:12,319
- How did you know?
- We've known all along.
1097
01:23:12,352 --> 01:23:15,021
You set me up.
1098
01:23:15,055 --> 01:23:18,758
I had to, we needed someone
to infiltrate the network.
1099
01:23:18,792 --> 01:23:21,329
So you used me.
1100
01:23:21,361 --> 01:23:24,498
Maybe I did, but then
I fell in love with you.
1101
01:23:24,530 --> 01:23:27,734
I never bargained for that.
1102
01:23:27,767 --> 01:23:30,003
And I thought I was gonna add
Hammer to my list of last names.
1103
01:23:30,037 --> 01:23:33,007
You still can.
1104
01:23:33,039 --> 01:23:35,342
Get out of here.
1105
01:23:35,376 --> 01:23:37,778
I don't want to see
your face again.
1106
01:23:37,811 --> 01:23:40,014
I'm sorry, what?
1107
01:23:40,047 --> 01:23:42,450
I said, get out of here,
1108
01:23:42,482 --> 01:23:45,052
I don't want to see
your face again.
1109
01:23:49,890 --> 01:23:54,628
I'm sorry, I have no idea
what you're saying.
1110
01:23:54,660 --> 01:23:56,830
I said, get out of here, I never
want to see your face again.
1111
01:23:59,732 --> 01:24:01,901
I'm afraid I can't
do that, Champ.
1112
01:24:01,935 --> 01:24:03,937
Jack, look out.
1113
01:24:03,971 --> 01:24:07,074
Welcome to oblivion,
you righteous motherfuckers.
1114
01:24:24,557 --> 01:24:28,495
Champagne? Oh, Champagne.
1115
01:24:37,171 --> 01:24:40,807
Champagne. Champagne.
1116
01:24:40,841 --> 01:24:42,443
Yeah.
1117
01:24:57,723 --> 01:25:01,128
So that's it?
You're just gonna walk out?
1118
01:25:02,162 --> 01:25:04,999
Look, Hammer,
1119
01:25:05,031 --> 01:25:09,869
you got your bust,
and a little trim on the side.
1120
01:25:09,903 --> 01:25:12,906
Let's not pretend
it was anything more.
1121
01:25:12,940 --> 01:25:18,111
All I know is I've got five
minutes before the lights go up
1122
01:25:18,145 --> 01:25:22,883
on a stage that I know better
than the back of my hand,
1123
01:25:22,915 --> 01:25:27,887
where an audience sits
in the darkness, worshiping me.
1124
01:25:27,921 --> 01:25:29,891
No questions asked.
1125
01:25:31,257 --> 01:25:34,093
There's a star
1126
01:25:34,127 --> 01:25:36,864
on a dressing room door
1127
01:25:36,896 --> 01:25:39,466
with my name on it.
1128
01:25:40,766 --> 01:25:44,137
It may be tarnished,
but it's mine.
1129
01:25:44,171 --> 01:25:45,772
Do you hear me?
Mine.
1130
01:25:48,775 --> 01:25:54,582
And I'm not gonna blow that,
like I blew you.
1131
01:25:54,614 --> 01:25:56,751
I'll never forget you...
1132
01:25:58,519 --> 01:26:00,588
What we had.
1133
01:26:00,620 --> 01:26:04,525
Do yourself a favor, try.
1134
01:26:24,077 --> 01:26:28,181
The days of wine and roses
1135
01:26:28,214 --> 01:26:31,252
are gone... forever.
1136
01:26:36,222 --> 01:26:39,760
Yeah, but I'll always have
1137
01:26:39,793 --> 01:26:44,966
the memories
of shit and Champagne.
1138
01:26:55,342 --> 01:26:57,545
The Shaboom Boom Room
1139
01:26:57,578 --> 01:26:59,280
proudly presents,
1140
01:26:59,312 --> 01:27:02,283
the one, the only,
1141
01:27:02,315 --> 01:27:06,987
Champagne White.
1142
01:31:11,530 --> 01:31:13,967
Champagne!
1143
01:31:14,031 --> 01:31:16,258
Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
85240