All language subtitles for Alohaa Surff Hotell (2020)

was just down the street,

and tai Alonzo
was leading the pack.

And I just wanted to be him.

He was like Superman to me.

Tai was am atomic bomb, man.

He blew up big time.

He was a bomb in the water,

and maybe too much of a bomb
on land, too.

The first time I saw this image

on the cover of a magazine,

I was like, "oh, what is this?"

Like, it's this guy, like,

all like, tan and, you know,
there was a coconut tree behind.

Oh, my god! Like, I didn't know

that was existing, you know?

The fame thing,
it just builds and builds

and everywhere you go,
it's just people wanting you.

They want you to stand
with them at the beach.

They want to take you
out to dinner.

They want you to do something
because of the prestige

of being with you.

You expect him to get
covers like surfer magazine,

but when he got time magazine,
no one could believe it.

It's crazy how,
you know, sometimes

you can be the best ever,

but if you fly too close
to the sun,

you're gonna get burned.
And that's it.

You hear all kinds
of stories about

what ultimately led to his
getting booted from the tour.

But to me, it's...
It's just stories.

It's part of why he's a legend.

You go climb the mountain,

and you climb
the mountain, and eventually,

I mean, the mountain has a slope
going down the other side,

and there's a cliff
on the other side.

It appears that
he climbed the mountain,

turned around,
looked backwards, and fell over.

You know, I don't know
what happened to tai.

One day he was riding
the biggest waves,

he was winning
world championships,

he was on the cover
of magazines.

And then,
he sort of disappeared.

Mr. Alonzo!

Mr. Alonzo!

Not cool! I was in the flow.

We need to have a word.

Meredith hammer, your new
Dean of student affairs.

What, here to drop the hammer
on me?

I know, I began my new position
today, Mr. Alonzo.

Now, if you'll just follow
me into my office.

We can talk right here.
I got some choice papayas,

some apple bananas.

- Some mangoes somewhere.
- No, no.

My office, now.

Sister! Oh, I mean, Dean.
It don't have to be this way.

I'm just showing you some aloha.

I can tell she just landed.

Cuz, you better hurry up

before she calls up
some real cops and everything.

What you supposed to be?

Security.

Now means today, Mr. Alonzo.

It says here you've been
a student for 17 years.

Oh, yeah.
Unreal how much I've learned.

It's a scam.

Why you gotta say it like that?

Oh, I don't know.
Maybe because you've taken

introduction to astronomy
for 21 semesters in a row.

Yeah, I dig the stars.
I'm on point. A minus student.

Yeah. And you're getting
a scholarship to be here.

100%.

100% what?

100% what, what?

Okay. What are we even
talking about right now?

Yeah, my girl Cheryl
in the financial aid department.

She's awesome.
Fill out all my paperwork.

Check all the boxes.

I don't know whether
you're aware, Mr. Alonzo,

but this college is
now part of a national

accredited institution
of higher learning.

Yeah, I heard about that.

Offering legitimate
degree programs.

Perfect, then!
I'm the perfect student.

A minus, I would be
the perfect poster boy.

Nope. As of today,
your scholarship's cut off.

- What?
- Until I see you actually

progressing through
a degree program.

Unnecessary for being that way.

You know what? Can't we just
maybe, you know,

do a whole do-over...

- We're finished for today.
- Press the reset button

- on the whole morning.
- No reset.

So uncool.

Here, take this.

Maybe, just maybe, you might
reconsider to reconsider.

Hey! That's my Van!

That's where I stay!

Wait!

Wait!

Wait! Wait!

Wait!

Fuck! Right there!

That's my vehicle!
Why are you stealing my vehicle?

- I'm just doin' my job.
- That's where I live!

And that right there
is the board I'm shaping!

Campus police said you've been
out there six years

in a six-hour parking spot.

Who cares? Nobody counting!

That right there is my
daughter's birthday gift!

Look, man, you can come by
the yard a little later on

and pick it up, but you're gonna
have to pay the tow fee.

- How much?
- $500.

Plus the impound fee.

Cuz, me and you,
we'll cut one deal.

I got like $80, maybe $73.

But it's in the vehicle!

With my choice papayas!

So basically, the same as...

You know, yesterday,
and probably tomorrow.

And I'm gonna be honest
with you folks,

probably for the rest
of the month.

Let's take a look
at the satellite map.

Oh, wow! Would you look at that!
No precipitation. No clouds.

Steady daytime temperatures
of 85 degrees.

So whatever.

Back to you, mahina.

- Thank you, Doug...
- Psst.

- For that in-depth report.
- How'd you get in here?

You suck as a weatherman.

Yeah. No doubt, brah. I hate it.

Besides, everyone just checks
their phones, anyway.

What's the point? The weather
on the island is the same

every single day.

Yeah, except
during hurricane season.

Oh, it's different then?
Thanks a lot, tai.

- Yeah.
- Guys, I'm on air.

What are you doing here?

Hey brah,
I need to borrow some cash.

No, no can. Martini has me
on a budget again.

I got kicked out of college.

Took my Van, everything.

For real? How come?

Some Dean from the mainland

with her panties in her bunches.

Wait, she had her panties
in a bunch?

You know what I mean!
She just snapped.

Kicked me out of her school.

Sorry to hear that.
But maybe it's time

to pull the big boy pants on
like everyone else.

Brah, I've been wearing this
since 2001.

It's my lucky board shorts.

Maybe your luck's run out.

Or maybe, you know,
you strangled it,

- because you got too fat.
- Hey! Shh.

Guys, I'm live on the air.

So what's up?

All I need is $700 and 17 cents.

I'll pay my child support,
my car, and my food.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Check this out.

Mahina. You did that story
on nalu ha'i cottages, right?

- And what they're looking...
- Doug, I'm live on air.

For like two people. Take it
down a notch. But for real.

Come on. Weren't they looking

for a surf instructor
or something?

That was in my report.

- Yes.
- There you go.

Big boy pants time.

Here. Use my phone. Call 'em.

Hey! You guys!
I'm trying to report the news.

Can you please go?

I apologize to both of you.

Big boy pants.

Wasn't his lesson
supposed to start at 2:00?

2:00 Hawaiian time means more
like 2:30.

- Okay. Well, it's almost 3:00.
- Exactly. Um...

He's down at the coast guard
checking on waves

and tidal conditions.

I think you should just
forget it, babe.

Are you kidding? We just
hired the best instructor

on the island. I mean,
you've probably heard of him.

Tai Alonzo?

Gonzo Alonzo.

You definitely don't want
to miss out.

Do you really want to do this?

Woo-hoo!

- You sure he's coming?
- Yeah. Totally. Um...

Why don't you guys head down
to the beach,

and get some sunscreen going.

You know, that might take
a while.

- Okay.
- Take your time.

Totally.

- What's up, sistah?
- Hoy! Over here.

- Woo!
- Over here. Tai.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, my...

- Hey, how's it...
- You're here.

- I love your enthusiasm.
- No.

You were supposed to be here,
like, two hours ago.

- What is this?
- Employment documents.

Just sign it and get out there.
You have students waiting.

- I have students?
- Babymooners.

Babymooners?
What is that, babymooners?

They're pregnant. I guess that's
what people do now.

- They, like, surf?
- Just him.

But she's definitely the one
wearing the pants.

Hey, let me know
if you need pointers.

- I can help you.
- What are you talking about?

On the phone. You said you surf.
You, like, compete...

Nah, I'm good. Thanks.

Remember, the flip side of fear
is commitment.

That's a laird Hamilton quote.

Not even!
We said that at the same time.

Okay.

Oh!

I'm loving those fierce warriors
I'm seeing this morning.

Now, find that giggling newborn

as you ease into

ananda balasana.

Oh, yeah. Looking good.

Happy baby pose.
That's my favorite.

Stay focused.

Stay with the plan.

And imagine me feeling each
and every one of you

with my life-giving manna.

If you're looking for
the real stuff,

hit me up for some surf lessons
at the beach.

They gonna be on point.

Oh, shotay, shotay, shotay.
Oh, shotay...

Ignore the infantile
and breathe.

Stay focused.
Fight through with the breath.

Aloha, everybody. Coming at you

with today's daily rubber neck
surf check.

And the surf today,
oh, still pretty flat.

But gets some rogue waves
every now and then.

You better watch out,
don't wanna get caught by them.

Low tide at 8:00 A.M.

And high tide coming in
at 4:30 P.M.

That wraps it up for today's
rubber neck surf check.

Lose the booties,

because we don't let nobody
know you're tourists.

I'm sorry, who are you again?

I usually tell my students
to lose the rashguard too.

Youreviewhawaii.com says
that there might be urchins

or coral heads out there.

Don't worry about that, sistah.
I get 'em.

This is my church.
This is my playground.

I know every inch of this place.

Uh, are you the guy
on the website?

What you looking at, brah? Huh?

It's just... she said
we'd be getting instruction

from an actual pro surfer.

You know Kelly slater?
You know laird Hamilton?

You know Andy irons?
Dave kalama?

- You know them?
- Yeah, of course, but...

Well, then, okay!

So you still compete, or...

- Ranked number three.
- Okay, you are ranked

number three, or you were ranked
number three?

Exactly. All right.
Let's go surfing! Come on!

Don't worry. Paddle out.
Looking good. Looking good.

- Keep paddling.
- You're doing great, babe.

Keep paddling out.

He's got a strong stroke.

You've got a strong stroke!

All right.

Go to the right
towards the peak.

That's right.
Paddle out to the peak.

Go to the right!

Right there! Keep going!

Paddle like he showed you!

- Hey, let me see that.
- What?

What is it?

Holy!

Holy!

Oh, my gosh. What's happening?

Turn the board around!
Turn the board around!

Now paddle!
Paddle like I showed you!

Paddle like he showed you!

- Go! Go! Go! Go!
- Go! Go!

Swim to the light!

Do something!
I am not gonna be widow!

Martha!

Ah! Right there!

- Go get him!
- Yes! Good job!

Hoo! That was the real
stuff right there!

Not everybody gets to experience
that the first time!

The what? You almost killed him!

Yeah, but you will always
remember that.

I think maybe I should
have worn the booties after all.

Nah. Don't worry.
The best way to treat vana,

you gotta let me piss on 'em.

It will disinfect
and will push them out.

- Wait, what?
- Yeah, I drain coco water.

I take care of that.

- I just...
- Keep him right there.

The divinity within me
honors the divinity within you.

Namaste.

Oh.

- Nice work, coach.
- Brah.

Can't you see I'm in the middle
of a surf lesson?

As was I. A word, please?

- Let's go.
- Baby. Hi, baby.

You are forbidden to talk
to my students.

Not during class,
not outside of class.

- Not ever.
- Forget that.

This is where we start and end.

We've been surfing this spot
for hundreds of years.

And your loin cloth gymnastic
yoga, that's all new.

Yoga has been around
for literally 10,000 years.

- So has your breath.
- What?

- And your Bo.
- What?

- What, you deaf?
- My breath?

My breath is scented
with Jasmine

from the himalayan foothills.

Brah, I don't even know your
name, but you make no sense.

- I make no sense?
- What? You deaf, too?

Try this on for scent.

The peace of inner yoga
also has a name!

Hey! You're not even
wearing underwears!

My practice doesn't allow it.

- Whose breath is stinky now?
- Get off me!

Come on! Get off me!

Diaper boy attacked me
out of nowhere.

Please, my name is shivandranda.

- Whatevers.
- He was looking at my students

with lust just oozing
from his sacral chakra.

Brah, with that accent
where are you even from?

I am the only one allowed
to look at them like that.

Okay. Shh, both of you.

Listen, I didn't want
to say anything,

but you leave me no choice.
Here's the deal.

Mr. Kahele is way behind
on bills.

The hotel might get
foreclosed on.

I thought his family owned
this place for, like, 100 years.

If we don't get shut down
by the county first.

- Wait, wait. County?
- Shh.

Point is, if we want to keep
our jobs, we need every guest

to have the best experience
they've ever had.

Yes. Each one must have a true,

divine experience of aloha

as do my disciples
each and every day.

Yeah.

Brah, brah, brah.

Brah. Hey.

The babymooners, you really
messed them up today, brah.

Those two?
He'll never go surfing again.

And you never lose money
off of them.

No, I'm not
in the surfing business.

I'm in the hotel business.

You ever heard of
youreviewhawaii. Com?

The wife
has super viewer status.

A bad review from her gets read
by thousands of people.

- Thousands.
- Thousands upon thousands.

I think you guys
are all exaggerating.

No.

She wrote a glowing review about
the ka'anapali beach hotel.

Which got picked up
by the huffington post.

Okay. I'll go talk to 'em.

- Hoo! You do that.
- Shh.

Brah. I know back in the day,

you were somebody,
a big-time surfer.

I respect that.
Alonzo galonzo, galonzo Alonzo.

I respect that.
But you gotta respect us, brah.

This hotel, this place,
has been in my ohana

way before missionary times.

Kings and queens would stay
right here.

My ohana made like a refuge.
A safe haven for everybody.

Yes, boss, I already told him
all of this.

He just doesn't listen,
you know?

- Shh!
- Okay.

Bro, we also had
plenty of celebrities.

Elvis Presley, frank Sinatra.

- You know jfk?
- Yeah.

Jfk and Marilyn Monroe, brother,

they'd come over here
in a disguise,

take cottage number six.

- You know what I mean?
- For real?

For real, brah. I no kid you.

And I know you would never
disrespect...

The holy Trinity.

Definitely not, boss.

My cousins.

Each one of them have enjoyed
our ohana's hospitality.

So you know what
I'm gonna do, brah?

I'm gonna cut you some slack.

'Cause I like you. And I really
need a surf instructor here.

And you can make Hawaii
great again.

All you need to do
is make things right

with the honeymooners.
The honeyboomers.

The honeybabes. Make it right.
Make it pono.

- Make it right.
- Yes, make it pononui.

With them and with me.

I forgive you, hermano.
Embrace me.

- Just get it over with.
- No.

Why's he always got to do this?

- Aw, man.
- Hold me, big man.

- Okay.
- Let our natural chakras

commingle.

Oh, man, this
is getting weird, okay?

We don't have this kind of time.

- No, it's not weird.
- It is weird.

- No, it's weird.
- We are one.

No, we're not.

Remember, your eyes
are the steering wheel.

- Your core is your engine.
- The.

Where your power pumps are.

Ya-hoo!

Nice!

Perfect! You listened
to instructions perfectly!

I couldn't hear anything
you were saying.

- Yeah, right.
- No, serious.

I didn't hear a thing you said.

Hey, you know what? We'll review
everything tomorrow.

Okay? Perfect first sesh.

You're going out?

Hey! No gliders over here!
Get out of the water!

No gliders over here!

Only surfers, no gliders!
No gliders!

Ha ha! This is for gliders. Woo!

White boy, let's rap!

Hey! Come on! Wait, come back!

Come on back! Come on!

You hang up there!
I only say that because

- I can see it when you fly over!
- Woo-hoo!

Come on, boy, let's go!

This is our spot.
Get out of here.

Careless meth nut!

Dougie!

- Dougie boy!
- What?

Dougie!

He doesn't live here anymore.

- Again?
- Yeah.

- You kick him out again?
- Uh-huh.

I was just talking to him
the other day.

- Everything seemed to be good.
- Bye.

- Psst. Hey!
- Dougie!

What up, brah?
Got kicked out again?

For buying a new
video game system.

So?

And I stole some
of her pakalolo.

- Okay?
- Okay, shh. All right?

And she thinks I'm flirting too
much with the intern at work.

- You did that?
- No.

Okay, maybe. And the other day,

the chick actually smiled at me.

Like, a friendly smile.
You know those kind it's like...

- You know?
- Feel good.

It felt real good.

- Anyway, what's up?
- I got that job.

Oh, shoot!
Brah, congratulations.

But I didn't get
my Van back yet.

So I was hoping maybe
I can sleep your place.

Brah, there's no way. I was
just about to come cruise down

and check you out to see if I
could crash with you in the Van.

Hey, we'll dig.
We'll figure something out.

Hey! I know it's you.

Listen. Finish mowing,

I'll pay you $20
at the end of the week.

- For real?
- All yours.

But no messing around. Okay?

- Who's that?
- Eh! Nobody.

Best run.
I'm gonna sit on your ugly ass.

Don't sit. I gotta go.

Cannot bring your homeless
friends to work.

I don't even know
who that guy is.

Hey, so what? I can get a cash
advance for the lawn mowing?

Mm... no.

Don't forget the babymooners.

Make it pono. Make it what?

- Hey? Make it what?
- Pono.

Pono.

Yeah.

Wait! Ho! Wait!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hold up.

Hey, I just wanted to apologize
about yesterday.

Swami boy, he can be
a prima Donna.

We are cutting
the babymoon short.

There's no use in being
on vacation

- with him in pain like this.
- Why?

We have so much to do here
in the islands.

- Oh, yeah? Name one.
- Yoga.

Oh, pfft. What?
For like $90 a session?

No, no, everything on the house.

I'm talking golf, surfing,
we have deep sea diving.

We can do, you ever did
paper, scissors, stone?

Huh? We got dot-to-dots,
connect four...

All right. We'll try the yoga.
But no more surfing.

- Ever.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Come on.

So, you guys want me
to get your bags?

- You work here?
- Why? Who are you?

Are you or are you not employed
by this hotel?

Brah, do I even know you?

Come on, man.
Just answer my question.

Why? You a cop? Fed?

Dude, that wasn't even here
this morning.

Oh, so you do work here.

What is this supposed
to even be?

I'll tell you what it is.
It's vulgar.

And it's a clear violation
of code 14716527a

of the hotel and recreation
use act of 2014.

Yeah, well, it looks like
somebody squatting

- and taking a dump.
- Come on, man.

Yeah, because, look,

if you look good,
they're squatting,

and you get boom, boom.

It's gonna cost the hotel
$1,000.

And it's gonna cost them $500

for each additional day
it's there.

Give that to your boss.

It's a self-portrait of a guy,
that's what that is.

- Taking a dump.
- I heard that.

Whoa. Like bionic ears
and stuff.

- Whoa.
- I can still hear you!

This thing's supposed
to be on top of the roof.

I thought they were going
on the side.

- Hey, boss.
- Yeah?

The county inspector came by.

They're gonna fine you because
of the graffiti on the wall.

Shoot, brah! I knew that guy.

He's gonna kill me
and make me maki.

I'm tellin' you, boss.
It's a scam.

What are you talkin' about, tai?

I think they're trying
to squeeze you out.

Oh, brah,
I never think about that.

I didn't think about that one.

Hey boss, if you
need somebody for dig around,

I'm your dig around guy.

Okay, dig around guy,
I tell you what.

You get any information,
and you got

another $20 for
you at payday. Okay?

Hey, boss,
I got another question.

I know it's not
the right time, but...

- Qu�? Qu�?
- You know my daughter, Alana?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I get her one weekend

- for the whole month.
- Uh-huh.

She from the big island, boss.

And I was thinking, you know,

she usually stay with me

in my Van.

The Van's in the shop and...

I'm looking around,
you got some vacancies.

You think you can hook her up
with a room?

Vacancies?

You pay, can can.
No pay, no can.

Let's go.

Do you know how to fix
solar panels?

I did one installation
and I took a repair class

a couple years back.

If you can fix them...

And repaint the wall
with the graffiti,

then, I'll throw in another $20
come payday.

Hey, uh, you think
I can get an advance?

Oh, also,
boss said you need to fill in

for the tennis pro later today.

A couple from China just booked.

Okay! Whenever you're ready!

Let's warm up nice and slow.

Typical American.

Fat and slow and too much talking.

Good one! Good.
Plenty of power right there.

Maybe we can work on your lobs,
like the real high ones.

No, no, no. My wife wants
to work on her first serve.

It's most important part
of game.

All right. Okay.
Give me one minute.

Ow, my nutsack.

No, no, no.
The first serve. The serve.

Yeah, well, this is how
I like to do it sometimes.

Oh!

Hold on, sistah.
Not much I can teach you there.

I was thinkin' maybe...

Today, maybe tomorrow,

do a surfing lesson?

- Huh?
- Okay. But lob practice first.

Okay. Lob practice first.

All right, then. Okay.

What the hell is that?

Hey! No pigs in the water!

See the wave coming?

Right. Now, get up!
Come on, big boy! Get up!

There you... ah! No!

I see it. Fire of a champion.
I love the hunger.

Yeah. Surfing's my passion.

She placed third in a contest
in Manhattan beach.

That's why I brought her
out here.

She said she wants

- to place first.
- Oh, yeah?

We're actually here 'cause
she just got divorced.

- You shut it.
- Again.

I am warning you, Maya.

Thing is, I actually already
know how to surf.

- I really don't need a lesson.
- See, that's where you're wrong.

It doesn't matter
at what level you are,

everybody can improve.
Everybody.

Yeah, preach, preacher.

You better listen to this little
sermon, you hear me?

Yeah, I do, and I noticed
that he said everybody can.

Maybe you should work on
yourself, mom.

All right. All right. All right.
Hey, that's enough.

Hey, you know what?
You know how I calm down?

- I jump in the water.
- Great. So I can paddle out?

Yeah. Go ahead.
We'll be out there in a second.

I'm gonna talk to your mom
a little bit, you know.

- Go over the basics.
- Okay.

You got a good girl there.

She's a spoiled brat.
You see how she talks to me?

Well, you know how
teenagers are.

It's her father's fault.
He is a full-blown narcissist.

Yeah, but you saw her do this.

She understands
there's a higher power.

Oh, she's just pretending to be
a good little Christian girl.

Really, she's vicious and cruel.
Don't trust her.

Oh, yeah?

- Question.
- Yeah?

Do surf instructors
ever get lonely?

This is all new to me.

What if I told you...

That I like to give
really big...

Tips.

You know, it just
came to me that,

you know the yoga instructor?
He's lonely.

You know what I'm noticing
right now?

I'm just really into
your skin color.

Hey, tai. Over here real quick.

Hey, that's my manager.

Hold on for a second.
I'll be right back.

Okay, my little dirty
chai latte. I'll be waiting.

- No flirting with the guests.
- She called me chai latte.

Okay. No going back
to their rooms.

- No hanky-panky in the bushes.
- You gotta be joking.

Why would I be joking?

You seeing that action?

That was one hot,
vicious cougar,

fangs out, she was going for it.

Okay. Point is,
you gotta stop screwing up.

If occupancy rates drop more,
we're gonna get laid off.

Well, good, maybe
more time for surf.

I know that's how
you like to live,

but you can't expect the rest
of us to also.

Used to be like that for me.
Prize money. Sponsorship.

But I wasn't happy.

And you are now?

Look. I have the ocean.

I get my daughter once a month.

Once a month?
And that's cool with you?

Seriously? You never wanted
to compete again

after you got booted
from the tour?

Doesn't it piss you off
to see all the other ex-pros

with big houses
and endorsement deals?

Okay. Well, I haven't had
my shot yet.

I want to go pro.
But to do that takes money.

- Well, get a sponsor.
- That's the thing.

No one will sponsor me
unless I score big

at one of the contests.
And to do that,

I have to have time to train.
Find a coach.

Well, you don't have to worry
about a coach,

you got one right here.

I've been doing this
for a long time.

Look how you ended up.

Oh. Shoot.

I have to get back
to reception, but...

Just try to keep your
board shorts on, okay?

A hundred percent.
Rash guard, too.

Good.

Look at you.

Hey!

- Oh. How was your flight?
- Good. Good.

So what? You actually have
a job now?

Yeah, surf instructor. But...

You know, they got me doing
everything over here.

You know, I got cut off
at the college.

Cut off? How?

Yeah. You know that scholarship

that I was using
for my living expenses,

- paying for your child support?
- mom said you're behind.

- By like this much.
- Like, by three grand.

And she said if you don't pay
then I can't see you next month.

Hey, you know, I got a special
birthday gift for you.

I don't need anything, dad.

Just please pay her
what you owe her.

Hey, see that? That's your room.

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah. Don't get excited.

It's not the presidential suite
or anything like that,

but it's something, you know?

Wow. It's nice.

Hey, by the way, how's mom?

Why you looking at me like that?

Because you're looking at me
like that.

All puppy dog eyes.
Come on, dad.

Your chances are not good.

Why not?

Because you owe her
a lot of money.

And you already messed it up
like 150 times.

Yeah, you're right,
like your mom.

Look, I have a lot
to do around here.

I have to teach surf lessons.
Maybe teach a yoga class.

Tennis. I gotta put up
solar panels.

I gotta paint a wall.
Look, you hang out.

Go surf. Room service!
It's all yours.

- Thanks, dad. Love you.
- Love you, too. Come on.

All right.

Yo, brother.
Brother, I'm right here.

Right in front of you. Look.

No, no, no. No, no.
I got one quick question.

There. Now, you may speak.

All right.
You know those babymooners?

They're taking your classes
the whole week.

Wonderful, tai. Thanks.

Have them book with kaila.

Here's the deal.
You gotta do it for free

because that's the deal
I gave them.

So you will be paying, then.

It's not for me,
it's for the hotel.

I don't know, like,
they're super reviewers.

A bad review would be the result
of your pathetic lesson.

Come on, bro.
It's no cost to you.

However, it would cost you $90
per person per session.

What? No more employee discount?

Perhaps you didn't hear me.

Ninety dollars per person
per session.

That accent, where are you from?

Two words: Breath mint.

Think about it.

Oh, it's you.
You here for the Van?

- Is that a...
- Yeah.

- It's a blue ribbon attack pig.
- Can I pet it?

Go ahead. He might take
your arm off, though.

For real?

- Nah, nah.
- Go ahead.

Pet him. Sweetest creature
you'll ever meet.

No, no. I'm good. Hey, look.
I got like $23 in my pocket,

and maybe, possibly,
$70 in my Van.

Look, tow bill alone
is $600, man.

- You told me it was $500.
- Inflation, man.

Plus, every night, man,
it goes up another $50.

- Bro, why you gotta do this?
- Brah, I'm just doin' my job.

You don't think
you can help me out?

Maybe put me on a payment plan,
like child support?

Wish I could, man.
But I got bills to pay too.

Thing is, bro, the vehicle
doesn't even run right now.

Look, man, $400 is the best
I can do, brother.

- I don't got it.
- Well, come back when you do.

You think I can get
my daughter's surfboard?

- Hey.
- Hi.

Hi, aloha, I'm Gina.
I'm in charge

of sponsorship opportunities.

Well, thanks for meeting up
with me.

Yeah. So who do you want
to pitch to me?

- Oh, we'll talk over here?
- Right, right here.

Oh, it's not for me.
It's for my student.

Kaila Vincent.
You guys gotta sponsor her.

- Okay. Is she ranked?
- Trust me.

You gotta get in on the ground
floor with this one.

Who are you again?

- You asking me that for real?
- Yeah. Yeah. Who are you?

Sistah. Right there.
See there? Huh?

In the flesh.

- Gonzo Alonzo?
- Yeah.

Sorry. They said
you just fell off the radar.

I'm back on it.

- Come follow me.
- Shoot, sistah.

Okay. What you doing now,
you little perv?

I see you. What you doing now?

- Can I help you with something?
- Oh! Sorry!

This is where I usually
score my meth.

- What, you the new drug dealer?
- You're joking, right?

Do I look like I'm joking?

Do I look like a meth dealer
to you?

Do I look like a meth head
to you?

You literally just said,
"this is where I score my meth."

All I'm saying is that
you could be a drug dealer.

Got him.

I'm telling you,
this whole thing stinks!

You find anything
on the license number?

Looks like it's registered
to conquistador club.

I knew it!

What?

Dad, you need to calm down.

No, Alana, this is wrong!

They're gonna shut this place
down so some donkey

from the mainland comes here,
build his hotels,

so that they can mess up
the surf for everybody.

No. This is not gonna be
like waikiki.

So what are you gonna do
about it, dad?

- There you are, boss.
- Hey, brother, what's up?

The inspector guy,
I think he's taking bribes.

For real?
I've heard that before.

All them guys are taking bribes.

They're taking money
from the big hotel.

Oh, man, I knew it. I knew it!

I'm gonna bust that guy.
You watch.

Go ahead and bust him.
But I tell you what.

Take care of your
responsibilities around here.

The lady in number six.
You know, Christian wahine.

Na ke akua. God bless them.
Everything's good.

- But they like what you did.
- For real?

She wants another one-on-one
lesson. Do 'em.

- For sure.
- For sure? Of course, for sure.

'Cause I'm for sure,
you for sure.

You know how to fix toilets?

I took one year of plumbing.

Oh! Guarantee you know how
to fix toilets.

You know this right here,
if I give you another $20

you can fix this toilet.
I'll give it to you on payday.

When is payday?

Next payday, I'm gonna give
you $20. You can handle?

Well, you know about
this toilet right here?

It's special. Elvis Presley went

- right here in this toilet.
- Ugh.

March 1966.

- You know how to do it?
- Yeah.

Help me up, brah.

Hey...

Now, we turn, and we balance
on your left foot.

Stay focused.

And remember that the blessing
is your breath.

No, you, in the back,
your left foot!

Left foot. Yeah, no.
This one, okay?

This one. Yeah. Okay.

All right. Get out of here.
Please, leave.

Now, roll it up like a burrito.
Burrito boy, roll it up.

Very good. Yeah.

Indeed, yoga is not
for the crippled or the meek.

Okay? Now, your breath
is like your breastmilk.

It nourishes us in a cocoon
of lactose-free lactose.

Okay. Oh, no, you don't.
Okay, everyone, take a break.

Yeah, take a water break.
Back in five.

- What are you doing?
- When's cat cow?

- I like watching cat cow.
- What are you doing here?

The boss got you
on a special mission.

Then why doesn't he come
ask me himself?

'Cause he cannot stand your
accent and your halitosis.

Okay, I respect that.

- What is the mission?
- You know the lady in cabin six?

She wants a one-on-one.

She wants to...
You know what I mean?

You know, she wants to see
what's inside your man diaper.

She's got the hots for you.

- Really?
- Yeah!

Oh, yes. Yes, definitely.

Of course, you know,
that makes sense.

I felt our chakras resonating.

Ooh, oh!

Mm!

Okay. Do I look
like a beautiful man?

- Yeah. Yeah, go.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- All right.

- Wish me luck.
- Okay.

- All right!
- All right!

Yeah! Go.

Okay. Come on, class.
Come on. Come on.

I got something for you guys.
All right.

All right. I got a special pose.

It was developed right here
in the islands.

It's called the urchin.

Or sometimes,
the crouching vana.

- Well, hello.
- Hi.

Delivery for kaila.

- Sure. This is for me?
- Oh, that's, your name is kaila?

- That's me.
- That's my grandmother's name.

- Beautiful name.
- Thank you.

All right. Anything else?

Oh, that's just the inventory.

- Uh... wow.
- This is the delivery.

Are you sure this is for me?

- Who sent this?
- Sticky, stickybumps.

Last name. I don't know.
First name? I don't know.

Okay.

What are you doing later?

In life? Or later on tonight?
Either-or. Doesn't matter.

- I'm busy. Thank you.
- Okay. Okay.

- Have a great day.
- I'll be back.

I'll be back for this
hand truck tomorrow.

Aloha.

I won't be here.

A field that has rested
gives a bountiful crop.

Whatever you say.

So I guess you know
what this is, then?

Stickybumps.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

It's a surprise.
You got sponsored!

I mean, we did it together.

It's all just wax?

That's what they make.

Well, I can't use all this.
I need cash.

You gotta start some place.

To me, this new stuff,
too fruity.

It's not bad.

- You see this right here?
- Oh.

They don't make wax
like this anymore.

It's my special wax.

Are you kidding me?
Move it, please.

This wax, I keep in my pocket

ever since I beat Kelly slater,
and I took the crown.

This wax have mana.

Mana that will win it for you.

Hmm.

And that is why I wish
to pass this on to you.

- Wow.
- Instructor to instructee.

Thank you.

Ugh.

Mission accomplished.

Mission accomplished, brah?
I have no idea

- what you're talkin' about.
- Cottage six is booked

for another week,
at the minimum.

Oh, okay. Well, that's good.

They probably liked
tai's lesson.

No, it was I. Not tai.

- It was you?
- Yeah, man.

Okay, well, they happy,
you happy, everybody's happy.

- Mahalo.
- Mahalo.

Aloha. Malama pono.

Malama pono. Yeah.

Okay, then.

Well...

Mahalo, then.

And for the record,
I myself am ecstatic.

Oh, that's good, brah.

Happy for you.

Yes, because I'm in love.

Love. Great, brah.

- Love is a wonderful thing.
- I know. I know.

And furthermore,
she is in love with me.

- She's in love with you?
- Mm-hmm.

- The lady in six? The mom?
- Yes. Mm-hmm.

She's a bit older,
but it's cool.

We have a mutual understanding.

She actually said this to you,
she was in love with you?

She did not say it
with her lips, my friend.

She said it
with her pindink-ioni.

- Pinka-dinka-oni.
- Yeah.

And she impindinka
await my return, so...

Good talk. Okay. Bye.

Yeah! My trap worked!

So it was you
that would tag the walls.

Release me!

So it was or wasn't you

that would spray graffiti
on the walls?

Release me at once!
I command you!

So, are you claiming
you never tagged the wall?

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

But if you don't get me out
of this immediately,

I'll be forced to use

my kalaripayuttu skills
on you again.

- Just answer my question.
- Release me at once!

All right, look.
I'll release you, but...

Kalaripayuttu is known
to be lethal.

I'm not taking you off
my suspect list.

There you go.

Get up.

My pindinka awaits.

And I sense that
she is not always patient.

Cool.

You go handle padinka.
Hey, I'm watching you.

- I'll be watching you.
- I'm gonna be watching you.

- I'll be watching you.
- I'll be watching you.

- You.
- I'll be watching you.

- I'll be watching you.
- You.

Yes! Yeah!

Deep bottom turn.
Kisses the lip.

Boom! Perfect ten!

Oh! She gonna be a champ!
Hey, you should get in there.

- I don't have a board.
- Use mine!

What's the matter?

Hey, you know what
I was thinking?

You can come live with me.

- For high school.
- In your Van?

Nah, I can get us an apartment.

Get rid of the Van. For you.

- Mom.
- Oh. Don't answer that.

She's gonna ask for money.

Hey, tell her I'm working on it.

- Hey, mom.
- Tell her I'm working,

I'm working really hard on it.

That's my student.
I'm her coach.

- Qualifiers next week.
- You? Her coach?

100%. Hey, remember,
we all equals before a wave.

- Who said these words?
- I just did.

- What do you mean?
- What does it mean to you?

My wife said it was
laird Hamilton

who said these words.

That guy's a freakin' liar.

I just googled, no lie.

Yeah, well, let me see
what your Google say.

Let me see.

Google said that.

Look, hey. The thing is,

you cannot believe
what the Internet says.

Especially here in the U.S.

The guy, laird Hamilton,
is a thief!

He stole half the things
I said and did!

The big picture is that cell
phones are rotting your brain!

No critical thinking.
You should be surfing.

Instead of taking selfies
all day and all night.

Hey! You gotta watch
the placement on your back foot.

On the drop, you gotta watch
the placement of your back foot.

A couple more inches up front,
you'll be a lot more powerful.

- Sounds good, coach.
- How's my special act?

Working it?

- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, we're just talking.

Good session.
I gotta go for my evening dip.

Maybe find some lobster
for dinner.

Or people's cell phones.

- Hey, boy. Come here.
- I'm comin'.

Hey! Hold up. Hey! Hey!

Woo! Woo!

Brah, you know
my fire knife dancer?

He's sick. He no can do this.

So I need you, brah.
I need you to go ahead

and do the fire knife dance
with me, okay?

Say-hoo! Okay?

I'll throw in another $20
come payday.

- Say-hoo!
- Say-hoo!

- Ah-ha!
- Ah-ha!

Let's do this!

This next song
I would like to play

comes straight from the heart.
Kind of tugs at me sometimes.

So I'd like to just give you
my mana'o

and my aloha to you guys, okay?

? When I think about my
island home ?

? I smile ?

? and when I think about my
island home ?

? sometimes I cry ?

? because some people came
to my island ?

? and they took it all away ?

? and sometimes I'd like to
hit them ?

? and kick them in the shin
and make them go away ?

? and then captain cook
came on the ships ?

? they brought some diseases ?

? and my people
they can't live... ?

Oh, what a wonderful song.
I feel your pain.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
coming up we're gonna get...

Every time I sing that song.

Wonderful dancer coming up
right after this.

On the bounty.

Ladies and gentlemen,
from the islands of Tahiti,

Woo!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey!

Yeah! Ha-ha-ha!

- You ready to eat some fire?
- What?

Ready to eat some fire?

Anybody want to eat some fire?

Eat the fire! Woo!

- Makes no sense.
- Tell me about it.

They're the ones acting
like little kids.

Worse. I mean, my mom hits on
everything that moves.

It's disgusting.

Oh, yeah? This is the first job
my dad has had in forever.

And I don't think
he's gonna have it long.

I even saw him trying
to teach yoga.

And they're the ones always
telling us how to act.

- Oh, please.
- Yeah, I know.

Kaila! Kaila, over here!

Hey! Busted!

- Now, what?
- It wasn't my idea.

Take your mask off.

No way.

Second violation, $1,500
by tomorrow morning.

So how much you pay the kid
to do that?

- Excuse me?
- Come on, man.

Same thing every day.
When are you gonna get creative?

Don't think I can't see through
your scam.

I recommend you watch yourself.

What you gonna do? Hit me
with your county clipboard?

Oh, no, let me see.
You're writing chapter three

of your book how you sold out
the Hawaiian islands.

Don't think I never see you

with the developer guy

- in the parking lot.
- Clear violation of

a4221242242-a,
insulting and intimidating

of a county employee,
punishable by five grand

or one year in prison.

You!

$5 grand or one year in prison.

Okay. Mahalo.
So we'll see you next week.

Okay. Aloha.

You sold my poster.

I know I'm probably late
for something.

Okay, so someone from
the college called for you.

A Dean hammer? She wanted you
to stop by her office.

- Why?
- Didn't say.

She wants to give me back
my scholarship?

She didn't say.

- What, it's selling?
- Made like $8 so far.

Like, yeah, you'd have to pay
for a surf coach.

- Yeah, thanks.
- Hey.

It's not tragic
doing something you love.

Yeah, okay.
Also, you make no sense.

And you gotta stop using
other surfer's quotes

- like they're yours.
- Oh, sorry.

Whatever. Don't forget
to call Dean hammer back.

And remember,
if you're a hammer,

you tend to see all the problems

as a nail. Okay, I gotta go.

If I'm a hammer...

Hey. Where are you going?

- Home.
- What?

Hey, what you doing here?

She's not even
supposed to be here.

I told her she couldn't come,
but she came.

Is that true?

Do you really think
I want to be doing this, tai?

Be the bitchy ex?
I got bills too.

No, things at the college
are changing. I...

Things change all the frickin'
time, for everybody.

Brotha, you gotta grow up
already.

This is from family court.

If you don't pay it,
you don't get to see her.

Simple.

Alana, I promise,
I'm gonna fix this.

I'm gonna make
everything good. Hey.

Don't forget, I got that
birthday gift for you, okay?

Tai. Please put it in the mail.

'Cause if you show up
and you haven't paid,

I really don't want
to have you arrested.

I may have underestimated you.

And I definitely
underestimated you!

And how you messed things up
for me and my family.

I'm sorry. The thing is...

I looked back
over your file. Okay?

Prior to taking astronomy 101
for 21 semesters in a row,

you actually took
a wide variety of courses

in a wide variety
of disciplines.

Yeah, except math.
I don't dig math.

Oh! You see, that's exactly why
I called you in here today.

This is precisely about digging
or not digging math.

Yeah, well, you know it's just
if you was a guy,

I would want to kick your ass
right now.

But I'm digging the new look.

Yeah, the blouse. Your hair.

The plumeria in your ear.
Wow! Looking sharp.

Real sharp.
Look, you're wearing slippers.

I'm digging the whole
tropical makeover.

Now, all you have to do
is wear that with some aloha

instead of the mainland
attitude.

Okay. So the reason
I called you here today,

if you could complete just one
math credit,

you would actually have
your associate's degree

in several
different disciplines.

Nah, no need. Math isn't for me.

You could even
take the course online.

It would really help
your job prospects.

Nah, I'm good.

Please, just think about it.

We want to see our students
actually graduate.

It's the key to our success
as well.

Please, just, you're so close.

Okay.

No! No! No!

Hey, little man. Come up
with that five grand yet?

What, you surf?
Would you like a surf lesson?

- Excuse me?
- Huh? On the house.

- That's not how citations work.
- For real. For free!

On the house, brah. On me. What?

I already boogie board.

Tai, boss wants a word
in the office.

Hey, brah, where's shivy pupu?

I haven't seen diaper boy
in a few days.

Yeah, he missed his awakening
your magma class yesterday.

And maybe the day before, too,
now that I think about it.

You know I avoid that fool
at all costs.

Okay, we're gonna go
with this meeting without him.

I, uh...

I got some really sad news.

They're gonna
shut us down, brah.

Something that existed
before the county.

Something that existed
before there was a state.

Something that existed

before they stole the Hawaiian
lands from our people.

What? Why?

'Cause I can't pay
the fines, brah.

The graffiti thing
that was on the wall.

That was number eight.

Then they said something
about the cottages,

the zoning is not working.

Oh. We got 48 hours, brah.

- There's nothing we can do?
- Like what?

I don't know. Take a pay cut?

You know, I really wanted
to pay all you guys,

but that bank froze my accounts

until I can make everything
right with the county.

Wait, so we're not gonna get
paid for the last two weeks?

No guarantee, my friend.

Maybe you could go ahead

and teach the yoga class,
brah, for tips.

I mean, I would really like,

and I hope you guys would really
like that these guests

get one last mahalo nui.

One last aloha from us.

Wait. So you let me teach yoga.
What about moe?

What 'bout moe? Let's go.

You know,
in the positive column,

you can I can train together
really hard.

'Cause you gotta win
this surf contest.

- Not happening.
- What are you talkin' about?

It's just a stupid pipe dream.

I started too late. I should
have already won juniors by now.

What are you talking about?
You got all the skills!

Right now, it's the best time
to be a female pro.

You know what?
It's actually better this way.

My aunt in Vegas has been
trying to get me

to move out forever. And she
could hook me up with a job.

And I'd be set.

We gotta do this one last one.

I've already decided, tai.

Taking this job,
and thinking I can make it

on the pro tour
was a stupid idea.

I got a sponsorship
and everything.

Free wax? Come on!

No. I'm booking my ticket
tonight.

What's that?

This?

- Don't worry about it.
- Hey!

Thanks for coaching me.

Hey! You should have let me
piss on his leg

when you had the chance.

The infection spread
all the way up to his knee.

We're just now getting back
from the er.

Hey, look, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.

No, it's too late.
The babymoon is over.

Are those good?

Come, sit down.

So take a look at me
for a second.

I'm, like, maybe 43 years old.

Got kicked off the pro tour.

I messed it up with the one lady
that I really love.

And I get my daughter
one weekend

out of the whole month.

And even that might be ending.

And now, the hotel's
getting shut down.

- What?
- The county inspector came.

- Shutting us down.
- Why?

Some big developer gonna come,
tear this place down,

and put up a big resort.

And you're just gonna sit here
and stuff your face?

You're like a cautionary tale.

I heard that one before.

You know, it's like that
half glass full,

half glass empty thing.

You know, I'm in Hawaii
with the man I love.

Pregnant. Weather in Portland
is sleeting, like 13 degrees.

- Exactly!
- You know.

And I get to meet people
like you.

You know, real people.

Not those fake,
smiling concierges.

Or the aloha, maholo, aloha
maids at the big resorts.

I'm talking about real people.

I know what
you're talking about.

You know, the kind of people
that aren't afraid to show that

they resent you for trampling
all over their paradise.

Or show you a little aloha
if that's what they're feeling.

And that's the thing, tai.

They shouldn't tear
this place down.

This is an authentic experience
we're having.

Yeah. This hotel has been
in the family

for almost 200 years!

Well, then, why are you
just sitting there!

When you're down
in a surf competition,

did you just paddle in?
Or throw in the towel?

No. I never owned a towel.

Damn right you didn't!
It's the same thing here.

You gotta fight for this place.
Come on.

- Let's go!
- Hustle.

As if there was a point
to any of this,

let's check the radar.

Oh, boy. There it is.

Daily temperatures
of 84 degrees.

Let's see if there's
any precipitation.

Nope. And not a cloud
in the sky.

I don't even have to look at
that when I know there's none.

And that's about it
from here in weather.

So sending it right back
to you, mahina.

Psst. Dougie! Dougie.

Brah, amazing how bad you suck.

I know. To be honest with you,

sometimes I feel like
I want to off myself on air.

Dude, forget that.
Hey, didn't you tell me one time

you wanted to be like a big,
investigative reporter?

Maybe in high school.

Brah, I got the perfect case
you can crack!

We're gonna blow this thing up!

Do I look like I'm gonna
blow anything up?

Brah, plus the way
you're doing weather,

you're either gonna get fired,
or you're gonna look

just like that guy right there.

Yeah, you're probably right.

That's too bad. Can I just
be honest with you?

- Sure.
- You're not as good-looking

as you was before.

- I know.
- Every time I see you,

- you're a little fatter.
- That's not my fault.

I eat when I get bored
or hungry.

- Your hair's thinning out.
- Nothing I can do about that.

I take the pills. Nothing works.

You gotta remember,

do the things you fear the most,

the death of fear is certain.

- Are you quoting laird again?
- Hey, f-u! That's Mark twain.

Maybe confucius.
Or maybe even me.

Let me grab my camera.

Yeah. That's my boy.

Dougie! You're rolling!
Roll, Dougie!

Roll 'em! Yeah! Yeah!

Woo!

Yeah, come on,
you frickin'. Woo!

Hey!

Help!

- Yeah!
- Help!

Come on. Come on.

- What's your name, boy?
- Ethan.

- Your last name.
- Leftin.

- Are you getting this, Dougie?
- Yeah, copy that. 10-4.

Camera's rolling.
Sound is speeding.

- Hey. Calm down, Dougie.
- I'm calm. We are live!

Hey, now that we rescued
your skinny ass

out of the water,
you're gonna tell us

who would pay you
for graffiti that wall.

- You're on national TV!
- International!

- It was the guy from the county.
- Louder!

- Describe the lowlife.
- He gave me $75 each time.

- And I only did it...
- Okay, spare us the reasons why,

you skinny-ass punk.
Describe the guy that paid you.

- Calm down, Dougie.
- I'm calm!

I think his name
was Peter poulet.

You know, the guy who wears
his pants a little too high.

Yeah, and the male
camel toe situation.

- I noticed that too.
- Ugh, disgusting.

Yeah. But who paid him?
Who are you working for?

- Yeah, who's paying him?
- I don't know.

Hey, boy. You like who
shut down this hotel?

You like this place
called waikiki?

That means no more kiting
for you and the crew!

So what you gonna do?

I don't know. I'm sorry.

I only did it
so I could buy a new kite.

I'm not done with you yet.
You're coming with us.

The office should be
right down there.

Hey, after we do this,
I gotta get back,

teach my yoga class.

- You do yoga?
- Yeah. Shut up.

Don't judge eagles based on
opinions of turkeys.

Wo-ho, snap. I was rolling live
on that one, brotha.

Wait, how is that thing
even live?

- How 'bout I kick your ass live?
- Dougie! Come on, Dougie.

All right. On the count
of three, go ahead.

Three, two...

Wait, wait, wait.
On one, or go after?

- Three.
- Three, two, and then one?

- Yes.
- Or go...

- Three, two, one, then go.
- Okay. On one.

- Yes.
- Or one, and then go?

One and then go, okay.

All right, class. It's time
for the crouching vana.

Some of you guys who
wasn't here, or missed it,

basically, what you're gonna do
is, you're gonna put yourself

into a tight ball.

Okay? You're gonna hold
your breath.

Okay. Everybody, come on.
Follow me. Get down.

Into a ball. Like an urchin.
There you go.

That's the crouching vana.
Now, hold your breath.

All right?
All this breathing thing

that shiv is talking about,
how breath is the breastmilk,

that's disgusting!
It's not even important!

What's important?
Holding your breath.

What if we get wiped
by a big-ass wave,

or someone drops
a nasty pooey on you? Huh?

Hold your breath.

Speaking of farting,

anybody have to share
something with the class?

Okay, because, you know,
that kind of offering

is acceptable.

It actually sounds like
someone needs help.

Okay. Hold on.

Stay there in urchin!

And remember, don't breathe!

And don't forget, tip, tip.

I knew you were kinky.

Hey, but if it feels good
for you, then it's okay with me.

If you okay with it,
not passing any judgment.

Always gotta be
the good samaritan.

What?

I can't understand
what you're saying.

What? You want me
to set you free?

If I do that,

you better play fair.
For example,

who has priority over the beach?

Anytime, anywhere, forever?

- You.
- Okay.

What took you so long?

What are you talking about?

I've been here for 17 days
and 17 nights.

More like five hours,
but nobody care.

I've got to get out of here.
Untie my hands and feet.

I do that, you're gonna owe me.

Oh! You want
a green goddess too?

Added a splash of vodka.

Nah, I'm good. That stuff make
me crap my board shorts.

Who said you could take
his gag off?

What you doing gagging him?
I mean, like, I understand,

because there are many times
that I wanted to gag him.

And who gave you permission
to ask for help?

But I was saying the safe word.

Well, I couldn't understand you.

You know what?
Hey, get out of here.

I'll handle this.
Get out of here.

But we had something special.

- But it hurts too much.
- Well, love hurts sometimes.

Hey. Hold on. Hold on.

Get ready, Hawaii,
because the real story

is going live this afternoon.
Press conference and everything

scandal of the century
right here!

No, mahina, stay right there.
People want to know the truth.

We're gonna go
to commercial break.

Wait, stop. Get off me.
'Cause we are not gonna go

to commercial because
people want to know the truth.

I have secret footage
to show everybody.

No, because I am sick of being
just a weatherman, okay?

I have more potential than that
everyone has more potential,

even miss mahina
has more potential.

And here we go.

Thank you, boss.

So what we have uncovered here

is that this guy right here

is a pawn.
And the kid he paid money to

even more of a pawn, and getting
money for somebody else, right?

So why don't you tell everybody,

why don't you tell
the whole world,

right now, who you work for.

I was taking bribes from an
executive at conquistador.

What else?

Their goal was to run this place
into the ground.

Buy the land cheap
and build a luxury resort.

Ba-bam! I got that.
I was rolling,

- and I got that on tape.
- Hey! Dougie, calm down!

- Calm down.
- You're going down.

So why don't you tell everybody
where this guy's at right now.

I think he's at
that surf competition.

What?

Yeah. The conquistador club
is the main sponsor

trying to get in good
with the locals.

For real?

Surf competition today?

Yeah. Swell filled in.
I got called this morning.

So what are we waiting for?
Let's go!

Hey. Quitting, easy.
Daring to triumph, hard.

- Is that Yoda?
- No, it's actually

a laird Hamilton quote.

How many of you guys
want to see this badass

surf in a competition today?

- Got to listen to the people.
- Okay.

But only if you do this.

- What's this?
- Online math class.

I already signed you up.
And I can coach you.

Okay. But surf first.

- Okay.
- Let's go.

Aloha! Coming at you
with today's daily

rubber neck surf check.
And surf today is unreal!

It's pumping in the three
to five-foot range.

Perfect time for the finals.

And I think I'm going to enter
the longboard event myself.

'Cause the water
is so perfect today.

And that wraps it up
for our rubber neck surf check.

Pristine conditions
for the 22nd annual

international competition.

Okay. Patience. Patience.

Come on. Come on. There you go.

There you go! Perfect!

Okay. All right. Bottom turn.

Smack the lip.
Smack the lip hard!

Ba-boom! Oh. Tuck in.

Tuck in. Aha! There you go!

- Yay!
- Yes!

You saw that? Ten!

I'll take a perfect ten
from you, and you,

and you! Yes!

- Yes! Yes!
- I tell you,

she might be a newcomer,
but she surfs like a pro.

All that confidence and poise.
And you know what I heard?

Her coach is tai Alonzo.

- You remember that name?
- What?

That's one of the great surfers
of Hawaii.

I know, I know.
What ever happened to him?

- I thought he was dead.
- Gonzo.

Gonzo Alonzo.

Hey, are you signing up
for open longboard?

- I don't compete anymore.
- Why?

I got kicked off the tour.

But I heard it was only
a ten-year suspension.

- Yeah?
- And it's been almost 20.

Yeah, maybe.

Look at you trying to get all
mathematical on me.

- New woman, kaila Vincent.
- Oh!

- Kaila Vincent.
- What I told you, huh?

- Good job!
- Yeah.

But now, it's your turn.
Masters longboard.

I mean, since you say
you're a master and all.

- Yeah, I'm good.
- That's what you always say.

But I think we'd all like
to actually see it.

Yeah, who wants to see him try?

Don't forget.

Stay right where you are,
because coming up next is

the men's longboard
surfing championship.

- Woo-hoo.
- And I have to say,

back in the day, you know...

I heard about your longboard.

Oh! We got Alonzo

dropping into a beautiful wave.

Whoa. He's way more
flexible than you'd think.

Look at that opu on that board.

Yeah!

He's got another one, folks.

Carving it like
a Thanksgiving day Turkey.

Oh, yeah.

Woo!

Yep. There it is.

His signature dead cockroach.

He's gonna take that one
all the way to the bank.

- Congratulations.
- Yeah!

Yeah!

And of course, this comes
with a $3,000 check

from conquistador.

- Alonzo!
- Dougie. You rolling?

- We are live!
- Roll. Roll.

And congratulations to you,
Mr. Alonzo.

You don't remember me, huh?

Can't say that I do.

I always knew
you was a criminal.

Okay. What do you want?

Hey, guys, see this executive

from conquistador club?

He's bribing
the county inspector.

I said he's bribing
the county inspector.

Get this guy off the stage.
Get this guy off the stage.

Get him. Get him!

Come on! Dougie! Let's go!

Already got 'em.

- Come on!
- I'm rolling.

- Stop him!
- Come on!

Hey-hey, not today, honey.

Big brah.

- Doug! You got the footage?
- You know I did, brah!

Five-o, what's going on
over here?

Officer, I got everything
on my camera.

I got confessions,
incriminating evidence,

everything. You need it,
I got it right here.

Calm down, Dougie. Calm down.

Hey, where you at?

Oh! Man.

Yeah, no, I can respect that.

I've done that
many times myself.

Officer, see the guy swimming
towards Tahiti?

- Yeah.
- He bribed the county inspector.

Tried to shut down the hotel.

- Oh, Roger that.
- According to U.S. code 20-218,

that's a felony.
Three years prison time.

Oh, you really know
your stuff, huh?

I took one year
of criminal justice.

- I'll let you take that.
- I'll do that.

I have business to take care of.

I gotta take my $500 check
and go pick up my Van.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.

Hey, coach. This is for you.

So you can see your daughter.

- For real?
- Yeah.

You can pay me back
when we get paid.

For real?

It should be about
next week, bully boy.

How's it, brah?

- Moment of truth, huh?
- Yeah, cashed my check.

I got your $500,
and the rest goes to my ex.

Look, man, I saw you
on the news.

- For real?
- Yeah, I thought that was

a cool thing that you did, man,
stopping the developers

- on the hotel and the beach.
- Yeah, but it wasn't only me.

Look, man, I hooked you up
on the Van, man.

I put a new battery in it, man.
Tuned it up, man.

And put some new tires
on it for you, man.

- Solid, man. Thank you!
- Yeah, man.

Runs good enough
to get you home, man.

The bug over there,
that is home.

And I found a new parking space.

- Yeah? Where's that?
- At work.

My boss is solid.
He's cool with that.

You'll never be late
for work, man.

I never thought about it
that way.

Right? Yeah, man!

- Here you go, brah.
- All right, brotha.

Not bad! Four out of five stars.

- Woo!
- From the super reviewer.

Super reviewer. You know this
whole idea of time

wanting to change the name
of this hotel?

Number one aloha surf hotel
retreat and spa and yogurt shop.

Whatever he did
is actually working.

You know, it is crazy,
but we're showing up

at all the top of the searches.
At the top of the searches!

- How does he even know that?
- He went to school.

Went to college.
And whatever it is,

he's pulling us out
of this nosedive.

Woo-hoo!

- Checking out?
- Yes.

But we also look for tennis pro.

Oh, sorry,
he's gone for the day.

- Oh.
- This is for pro.

Eight hundred eighty-eight
dollar. Very lucky number.

- Lucky number.
- What?

Yeah, the pro,
he throw my phone in ocean.

It was best gift for us.

We know each other now.

Really know.

Only pictures in our head.

Romantic-y pictures.

We're really happy to hear that.

And we will tell all China
about this place.

And the funny little tennis man.

He teach us the way
to true love.

No selfies.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Aloha.
- Mahalo.

You better give that to tai.

You okay, brah?

You know, being like that
for 17 days and nights...

It was like six hours.

Having my voice robbed of me
for the first time...

Gave me some time to think.

- That's a good thing, right?
- I don't know.

I've been thinking I should
probably go back to New Jersey.

Maybe not a bad idea.

You might ask yourself,

but what about the thousands
of students that need me here?

Who love me and, like, adore me.

Might ask, but didn't.

You know, I realized that
they don't really love me.

They just love the myth
of the person

I'm telling them
that they can be.

It's narcissism.

Oh, you're getting deep, huh?

It's Maya. It's an illusion.

Because...

Because I've just been really
regurgitating meanless words

that I learned in a creepy
ashram in karnataka.

You're right.
We're in Hawaii nei.

We should be out there
riding the waves.

If you like,
I can show you tomorrow.

- Tomorrow I fly.
- What you gonna do?

I've been taking online
real estate courses.

Oh. You got my blessings.

Hey, man, don't mock me, okay?

Hey, what's your real name?

- Can you tell me your name?
- No, I can't do that, man. No.

- How about Joe?
- No.

How about bill? Milton?

- No.
- Tommy?

- No.
- Mitchell?

- No.
- Logan?

Not even close.

Hey, you know what? Um...

I got something for you, okay?

Here, this is yours now.

Oh, I got something
for you too, brah.

Here. Yours.

Keep it fresh, bro.

Hey, thanks, brah.

Hey, shaka, okay?

Dad!

- Dad?
- Alana!

What you doin' here?
Is this your weekend?

No, but you gotta get dressed
and cleaned up.

Surprise. I made this for you.

Happy early birthday.

Whoa.

Dad, it's,
it's really beautiful.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Okay, but we gotta go,
and you need to get dressed.

- I am dressed.
- At least change your shirt.

- Why?
- You passed!

- I passed?
- Yes. Let's go.

Completing just that one
math credit

actually vaulted him
into our college history book.

Yeah, dad! Woo!

Because that one final
math credit

means he's actually completed
degrees in the following...

And I'll list them
alphabetically.

Alphabetization optimization,

astronomy, auctioneering,
biohazard removal,

bagpiping, baking,
cannabis studies,

couples therapy,
criminal justice,

fermentation sciences,
midwifery,

paralegal studies,
paranormal studies,

plumbing, puppetry,
solar installation,

and turtle husbandry.

So why don't you come on up
and get your degree,

Mr. Tai Gonzo Alonzo!

Yeah!

What a unbelievable time.
I feel official.

Hold on, sistah.
You forgot one thing.

Philosophy of surf!

My apologies.
It is also, indeed, on the list.

- Proud of you.
- Thank you.

All right! Yeah!

So I say this
to all the kids out there:

It pays to stay in school!

Ya-hoo! How's the young bums?

Woo!

You know, tai,

we should try kiting
one of these days.

Brah, there's nothing more sad
than a surfer that used to surf.

Who said that one, dad?

I don't know.
But I think I will claim 'em.

- Hey!
- Get out of here.

? Watchin' people pass me by ?

? anything to pass the time ?

? weird to think
we're all the same ?

? but completely different
ain't it strange, uh-huh ?

? oh, I see
this world surrounding me ?

No doubt. Look, I hate it, okay?

What's the point?
They just check their phones.

What? Yep. Huh? Tai!

- You suck as a weatherman.
- Hold on a second.

I don't suck that bad.

I forgot my line.

- Keep doing it.
- Oh.

So what are you gonna do
about it, dad?

Watch.

Okay. Cut, good.

Psst. Brah.

Cut! Can you hear that?

Huh?

You do it already?

Elvis Presley put his okole
right here, brah.

And went.

Portuguese bean soup
all over the place.

What's wrong with you? Hey!

Indeed. Yoga is for the meek
and the cripple.

Anyways... listen!

I'm holding a fart so bad,
you guys don't even know.

I'm so used to it,
I wouldn't even know.

Do the thing you feel the most,
and then you suddenly die.

- That's what I said.
- No, you said go on one.

- Three.
- No smiling, Cyrus.

- Oh.
- Cut.

Hilarious.

That's all right. It's your
Van seat. It's not mine.

- So get it on camera.
- How's it?

- Moment of truth, huh?
- Yeah, look, hey.

I cashed my check.
I got your $500.

And I think...

Sorry.

- Keep rolling.
- The pig's still going there.