Original subtitles

Oh, what a beautiful day for a picnic.

I'll tell you I'm so glad we got out of that dining room

and back in to nature.

-Peppermint or Darjeeling? -Mint.

You know, Ms. Fine, it really was a wonderful idea of yours to have a picnic.

But I never took you for the natural, outdoor type.

Please, why do you think I don't wear make-up.

You know, at Camp Kindervelt, Val and I used to roast marshmallows on my curling iron.

And if you steam a frankfurter in your hot curlers

you'd swear you were at Nathan's.

Oh, I'm sorry. What were you saying?

Mr. Sheffield, that's the third time you said "What are you saying?"

There's something wrong with your left ear.

-I think your hearing's going bad. -Nonsense.

The herring's fine.

The egg salad's a little suspicious.

You know, my father had hearing problems.

And ma dragged him to the doctor.

He had to have a whole irrigation going on.

They found enough wax in there for Madame Tussaud

to make herself a nice little Linda Hunt.

Ms. Fine, he'll never see a doctor.

He's far too vain to admit his hearing is going.

-Tsk, tsk, tsk... -You know, it's so sad when a man can't age gracefully.

Would you look at that spectacle, that 30-year-old man kissing that young girl.

She could hardly be more than Margaret's age.

Where are her parents? That's what I want to know...

Hi, Maggie.

Calm down. Calm down.

This is just a phase. It'll pass.

I once dated an older guy when I was in high school

and it led to nothing but a heartbreak,

especially when he failed me in math.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became the nanny ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪

All right, young lady, you've got some explaining to do.

Now start talking.

-Daddy, I just want you-- -I don't wanna hear it.

Now, go upstairs to your room.

Oh, come on, like she couldn't climb out the window

shimmy down the trellis and pay Niles extra so that she...

uh, but, uh, uh...

This is between you and your daughter.

That boy is much too old for you, Margaret.

Dad, he's only 25.

It's the best relationship I've ever had.

-When did the two of you meet? -This morning.

-At a book store. -Wow! A book store.

Gee, that's a great place to meet intelligent guys.

Whoopsie, they'd have to light it bright enough so you could read.

Nah. No good.

Come on, Dad, you don't even know John.

He's self-reliant, ambitious,

plus he's already a vice president.

-Where? -His dad's firm.

Oh, perfect.

Some spoiled little rich brat living off his father.

What'd I do? Huh.

Dad, I'm not a little kid anymore.

Why don't you trust me to go out with him?

Because I was a 25-year-old boy once

and I had nothing on my mind

but sex, women and how to combine them.

My luck, I don't get to meet him

until he's going deaf and he can't digest corn.

Well, you better get used to it, young lady.

You're never seeing that boy again.

You are so unfair!

All right. That's it. That is it!

I'm locking her in her room until she's... your age.

Mr. Sheffield, you can't lock her away for... five years.

Come on why don't we at least meet the guy?

-Then Maggie won't hate us. -All right. All right.

I'll keep an open mind.

I don't suppose there can be any harm in meeting

the twisted, little cradle-robbing, sex maniac.

Sex maniac?

Well, maybe I should meet this guy by myself.

This is insane.

I forbid Margaret to go out with some 25-year-old.

Well, fine. If you forbid her to see him,

she's just gonna sneak out anyway.

I was 17 once too.

I snuck out all the time.

Of course, I didn't have a boyfriend.

I just wanted to eat bacon.

You know, I don't know why dad's making such a big deal

about me dating an older guy.

'Cause he's concerned about your welfare.

I mean, look at Anna Nicole Smith.

She marries a guy 60 years older than her.

He dies. All she's left with is his fortune.

-So? -So?

Sometimes they live.

Oh, my God. He's here.

Hi, Maggie.

Isn't he smart?

And who is your beautiful friend?

Very smart. Hi. I'm Fran Fine.

Hi, this is my friend Mike. We work together.

-Hi. -Hi. I hope you don't mind.

I just came along for a cappuccino and the hot new Grisham.

Oh, well, I don't know about a Grisham

but the almond horn is delicious.

So, what do you think?

Honey, what can I say?

There's too big of an age difference.

It's never gonna work out.

[ALL LAUGHING]

That's incredible, I can't believe how much you and I

I know. We're both Libras.

We both love jazz.

And, we both think that on theMary Tyler Moore Show

Phyllis's off-screen husband Lars might have been gay.

I love these shows. I grew up on them.

-Me, too. -Well,

hey, thank God forNick at Night, huh?

Uh, yeah.

-So, Fran, where'd you go to school? -Hillcrest High.

-Really? When did you graduate? -My senior year.

So, Mike McMullen, what are the chances of you being Jewish?

Wha... you know, actually, my mother's Jewish, Fran,

-so technically that makes me-- -Say no more.

Now, to satisfy my mother's second question, what does your father do?

He's a buyer for Loehmann's.

Oh, I just could not get out of bed this morning.

Oh, someone leave a big rock on your coffin again?

Very funny, janitor-shaped-like-a-dru m.

I can't sleep, and it can't be the coffee

because all I drink here is decaf.

-Right? -Of course.

Why don't I bring a nice cold soda in to pick you up?

All right. But make sure it's caffeine free.

Of course.

Sir, I made an appointment with the doctor

for your hearing test.

-What? -I said I made an appointment--

Oh, I heard what you--

I heard what you bloody said.

-Who told you to call the doctor? -Ms. Fine.

Well, excuse me, but when did she become master of the house?

Three years ago, September.

-Would you like me to cancel? -Yes.

Would you like me to kick back and take the rest of the day off?

I said yes.

All right.

So, Fran, you and John's friend Mike really seemed to hit it off.

Yeah. You know, it's so refreshing to meet a guy

that thinksPulp Fiction is John Travolta's first film.

You know, this is so cool.

I mean, you're going out with Mike.

I'm going out with John.

Well, you're half right.

-Fran. -Honey, he's way too old for you.

You're 17, he's 25. That is a huge gap.

So? You're going out with Mike and he's 25 and you're 33.

I am not!

Yes, you are. We had your 30th birthday here three years ago.

Well, I lied.

I said I was older to get the job.

Well, What about your parents?

You said that your father was ten years older than

No, I didn't.

I said my mother took ten years off his life.

You are such a hypocrite.

Why is it okay for Mike to date you but it's not okay for me to date John?

Because, Mike is not my daughter.

Well, neither am I.

Well, go ahead and cancel the date with Mike

'cause now I'm dead!

Meanwhile, ma, it's been two whole days and Maggie's still

No. I didn't try and bribe her with a salty pretzel and an egg creme.

And thank you very much.

Do you know how many years it took me

to stop solving my emotional problems with food?

Don't yell at me with your mouth full.

Good-bye. Good-bye! Ay!

-Fran. -What?

Forget about Maggie.

I'm here and I think you're great.

-In fact, I think you're the best darn-- -Brighton, you're not going

to the make-out party.

Yeah, well, you're on your own.

-Fran. -What, sweetie?

-Maybe I can give you some advice. -Oh.

Remember, I had a crush on an older man once.

Ah, he used to bring me all those gifts.

Sweetie, that was Santa.

-Oh, Niles. -Hmm.

How am I ever gonna convince Maggie

that she has nothing in common with a 25-year-old?

-And you do? -Absolutely.

I was 25.

-And for several years. -[CHUCKLES]

I haven't slept for three days. Niles, are you sure this is herbal tea?

Of course.

No sleep and yet I feel oddly calm and relaxed.

-Ms. Babcock-- -[SCREAMS] What?!

I just wanted to say that I'm glad you're here

because I really need a woman to talk to.

Well, aren't you going to say anything?

What? You mean, because she said that

you thought I was going to say something about you not being a woman?

That is beneath me, sir.

What's on your mind, Nanny Fine?

Well, Maggie thinks I'm being hypocritical because I'm dating a 25-year-old

-and she's not allowed to. -Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Who's Maggie?

Oh! The big one.

-Yeah. -Oh, forget her.

So you're dating a younger guy.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Delicious!

You know, I think it's far more natural.

Women don't even reach their sexual peak until their 30's.

Yeah, well, for me it's happening much earlier.

Oh, girlfriend, you got it going on!

I'm sorry. I was watching something on FOX before I came over.

When you were Maggie's age, did you ever date an older guy?

Oh, sure. My father didn't care.

But the world was a different place when I was a girl.

Yes. They thought it was flat.

You know what? If I were smart,

I would just let her go out with the guy.

Nanny Fine, Maxwell will kill you.

Good idea.

Very unconventional. I like it.

No. Don't you see?

They will have nothing to talk about with each other.

She'll get bored and break it up with him all on her own.

Of course, I'll have to chaperone with the young, eager-to-learn Mike.

But it's not as if we don't have a lot of stuff in common.

We both dig Toodie and the Blow Fish.

Tea, sir?

Tea, sir?

How's the hearing, you lucky little brat born into money?

On my right side, I hear fine.

Just funning you, sir.

Uh, Mr. Sheffield, about this Maggie-John, situation,

I think I've got the perfect solution.

All I want to hear is that Margaret is never seeing that boy again, Ms. Fine.

Fine, that's exactly what you're gonna hear.

They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning

no one at sea is smarter than he.

Well, go on.

And, you know, Flipper lives in a world full of wonder

lying there under, under the sea.

And then she'll dump him.

-What do you think? -Oh, fabulous. [CHUCKLES]

Fabulous. Keep up the good work.

Thanks.

Call for you on line one, sir. Christopher Plummer.

Oh, finally.

Now, get around here and fix my blasted toilets.

-[DOOR BELL RINGING] -I'll get it.

-Hi. -Hi. Aren't you cute.

All right. Back off. Isn't it enough I'm letting you date her?

Young lady!

-What? -What?

Hello, Mr. Sheffield. Congratulations.

I read you're doing a new show.

Why did Christopher Plummer drop out?

Ms. Fine, you, me, alone, right now!

Oh, typical male.

Doesn't know what he's got till it's gone.

What is that man still doing with Margaret,

and why were you kissing his friend?

Well, look at him.

You know, you didn't hear a word that I said to you yesterday, did you?

Well, that's the problem with our whole relationship.

That and the fact that you said that you loved me in Paris

and then you took it back. You just took it back.

I-- I thought we agreed to put all that behind us.

Well, I thought we'd be picking out China patterns.

You know, if you had only-- Oh, come here.

If you had only gotten your hearing checked,

none of this would have happened.

Why are you so vain about getting older?

-[SCOFFS] I'm vain about getting older? -Yes.

I'm not the one trying to recapture my youth,

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Now, would you please relax. Maggie is a very smart girl.

I guarantee you one more date and she'll realize

she has nothing in common with him.

Hmm, what about you and your young friend?

I'm a slow learner.

So get this, I finally call the accountant up and I say

"You call this a tax refund?" Two hundred bucks.

A lot more than I got back.

I got back 2,500, after I declared all my dependents.

Fran, you're a single woman. What dependents?

Hey, I support a lot of people

Donna, Karan, Ralph, Lauren, Liz and Claiborne.

I've never paid taxes.

[LAUGHS] How do you do that?

Oh.

Hi, guys. What'll you have?

-Vodka martini straight up. -Two, please.

Um, I'll have a margarita, no salt.

Uh, Joan Collins, please.

Honey, that's Tom Collins. And no!

You'll have a better chance getting Joan.

But who doesn't?

Gonna have to proof you guys. Huh. Ma'am, you're fine.

Are you sure?

-[CLEARS THROAT] Excuse me. Ma'am. -What?

Please. I need to see your I.D.

Oh, boy, this is such a hassle.

Hey, you guys, I got a great idea.

John, what do you say afterwards,

we head down to the Blue Note

-we go listen to a little jazz. -Okay.

Jazz? Who likes jazz?

-I do. -I do.

Wait a minute. We should do something that we all like.

What do you want to do?

Well, I could seeClueless

Uh, tell you what.

Why don't we go grab something to eat?

-What do you think? -Eating is good.

I could always eat again.

Fran, can I talk to you for a minute?

Excuse us.

I want to go.

I just think that I should be alone with John.

Well, I think that I should be alone with Armand Assante

but that ain't happening, either.

I want to break up with him.

We have nothing in common.

Really?

Gee, you sure you gave it enough time?

Fran, he didn't even know

that theSaved By The Bell kids went to college.

You knew this was gonna happen, didn't you?

Yeah, but you had to find it out for yourself.

Honey, you're a teenager, he's an adult.

It's perfectly normal for you guys to have nothing in common.

Well, I have everything in common with you.

Well, I'm stunted. I have no life.

I'm sorry I said I wasn't your daughter.

You are like a real mother to me.

Well, sweetie, why don't you and John take the limo home.

-Me and Mike could cab it later. -You're not bored with Mike?

So not!

See, when your sideburns are longer,

it makes your face look thinner.

Mmm.

Plus it wouldn't hurt to lay off the brie.

-Oh, next customer. -Oh, well, all right.

Yes, I could use a trim. Thank you.

You know, Ms. Fine, I just caught Margaret

making out with that boy from her class.

-Oh? -God, I am so happy!

I don't know what you did, but it certainly worked.

Well, I was just like Maggie when I was 17,

except I wasn't tall, rich and thin,

and I never put Miracle Whip on a bagel.

[CHUCKLES] You know, you were right about me, too.

I was putting off having my hearing checked

because I was afraid of getting older.

Oh, well, I was dating Mike because he made me feel younger.

And you know what I learned from that whole experience?

Worked like a charm.

What'd the doctor say?

Oh, well, it seems I'm suffering

-from some short-term hearing loss. -Mm?

It could be a virus or prolonged exposure

to an unusual frequency or pitch.

That's funny. I live here and I've never had that problem.

Brighton!

It must be a virus.

Oh, my God, I completely forgot you were waiting, C.C.

I am so sorry.

I've just been to the ear doctor. I...

Oh, I feel terrible.

Oh, look how lovely you look.

I'll tell you what,

why don't we go to your favorite restaurant, huh?

Just the two of us?

[SNORING]

[♪♪♪]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]