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This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
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Taxi! Taxi!
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Ugh!
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00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:13,760
Hey!
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No, no, no, no, no!
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00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:21,280
Taxi, taxi!
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Taxi!
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00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:33,160
Hey, I just need to go
to King Street and...
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Yeah, I know where you need to go,
son. Jump in. Cool.
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00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:51,440
Hey, this isn't where
I wanted to go.
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No, but it is
where you need to be, mate.
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00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:03,360
Ah, fuck it.
13
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:22,960
Tim...
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Tim.
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What the fuck?
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Tim...
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Tim.
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Hey, Tim!
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Methadone? Really?
20
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Yes.
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You know, once I was there, it just
seemed polite to stay for a drink.
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One drink becomes two,
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becomes three.
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Right. But, I mean, I don't think
methadone's good for you, is it?
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It's green.
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That's good, right?
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It's one of my five a day.
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And I had six.
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Tim, don't let me catch you taking
methadone again, OK?
30
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,320
See? Thank you, Ruth.
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00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:13,880
Look, I grew up around methadone
and let me tell you this, Tim,
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it's a fucking pussy's drug.
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It's worse than being
seen smoking menthol cigarettes.
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You're not thinking about
going back, though?
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Maybe. When?
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Now.
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00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,400
It's not only about the drugs,
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there's also a hot girl there.
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00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,920
Right, well, I'm going to come with
you and check this place out.
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00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:35,840
I think I should have enough
time before uni.
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Hey, what happened to the puppet?
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It looks different than last time.
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It must be a church in the week.
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The New Testament says thus -
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set me as a seal on your arm,
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a seal on your heart,
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for love is as strong as death.
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He seems far too enthusiastic
to be a junkie.
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Oh, this is a very different,
altogether more evil drug, Tim.
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Religion.
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You didn't need the long pause,
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we all knew where you were heading.
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I don't think we'll...
I don't think we'll stay.
54
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Let us love one another,
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because love is of God.
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And those who love are born of God
and know God,
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and those who do not love
do not know God.
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Why?
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For God is love.
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So, are we saying the badminton club
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CAN use the hall on Tuesday
afternoon?
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Love shows us the way. OK.
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Next on the agenda,
oh, we're low on biscuits.
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Let me tell you a parable
preached by old slaves
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in America's Antebellum South.
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What the...?
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Hello!
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I'm Tim.
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Oh, you're deaf.
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You don't need to wash my feet.
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I cannot feel them, the smell is
the only way I know they're there.
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00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:16,560
Do you have methadone?
73
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:24,360
If I'm lucky, that's sign language
for "do you have methadone".
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00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:28,800
If you cannot preach like Peter
and you cannot pray like Paul,
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you just tell the love of Jesus how
he died to save us all.
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00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:33,560
I'm just going to
put down custard creams.
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Custard creams be praised!
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00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:39,600
Oh, my God, this feels so good!
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Oh! Always got space for new folks.
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00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,320
I am so glad you are here.
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Our church may be small and humble
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but I feel great things are coming.
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Does the spirit of our Christian God
fill your hearts?
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I only seem that cos I look a little
like Jesus after the crucifixion.
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Oh, God gives us many messages.
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And right now he's telling me
to visit the most intimate room
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of our church for
a most urgent visitation!
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God bless you.
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00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:12,160
Oh, he's adorable!
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00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:14,840
He talks like that all the time,
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even when he needs to take a shit.
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I think the whole thing's
rotten to the core.
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I think it's just a place that
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they let in all the wonky,
rubbish people.
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Come on, let's get out of here.
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Couple of minutes.
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00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:36,320
I just don't believe in all this
half-baked nonsense about
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God creating the world in
seven days.
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00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:41,520
Is this because you like dinosaurs?
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00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,360
I believe in carbon-dating.
101
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:48,120
So that's why you got
dinosaurs all over your duvet?
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I do like dinosaurs, yeah.
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00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,280
You can't be taken in by all these
cranks, though, can you?
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The pretty girl washed my feet.
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00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:58,560
Even I don't wash my feet.
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00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,440
I know, but all this
bollocks about the power of prayer.
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00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:05,040
It's just...
Ooh, a 20, it's a miracle!
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00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:06,360
It's not a miracle, Tim.
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00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:09,920
It's a chance occurrence, entirely
explicable by probability and...
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00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,920
Hang on, that's my 20.
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00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:17,400
They prayed for us
and God gave us a sign!
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00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:18,760
Well, not both of us,
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cos if you take that,
then I'm down a 20, aren't I?
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Yes, because you don't believe.
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Oh, f...
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God's sake.
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I've got to say,
these signs are pretty clear.
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I am definitely going back
to church.
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Yeah, just cos a fit girl
washed your feet.
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It's not a church you're after,
it's a bloody spa.
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So, what else does she do?
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She's just cares for people.
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What, she cares for people?
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I fucking care for people.
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I could wash your feet.
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It'd be fucking mind-blowing.
You'd have a toegasm.
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00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:02,600
Why don't you?
128
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,480
Because I don't get paid
enough for that.
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00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,720
She does it for free.
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For free?!
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What?!
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00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:12,080
Oh, no, no, Tim, no. No.
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I'm not having this bitch take
food out my mouth.
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No, this is a union issue now.
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00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:18,880
You know what,
if you go back down there,
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00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:20,880
I might pay her a wee visit myself.
Good!
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00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,280
Glad Ruth feels the same way
about these people.
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00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:25,120
Right, I've got to dash to uni.
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No wee trollop is taking my job.
140
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,800
What lectures am I having?
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00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:32,080
Um, art theory
and modern graphic design.
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I'm doing really bad in those,
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00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:39,720
so make sure you study extra-hard
for the essay next week.
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Ah.
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00:07:54,920 --> 00:08:00,160
So you're the wee Mary Magdalene
bitch handing out care for free?
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I take it you have one of these.
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00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:05,080
TIM SNIGGERS
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That doesn't look real at all.
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Sorry, I don't speak hands.
150
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:22,760
Well, thank you for coming to
Thursday Bible class.
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00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:25,240
So nice to see you've been
tempted back, brother.
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I thought we might kick-start
today's discussion with
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a reading from Luke 9:27 to 42.
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"For God is love and love is mercy.
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"And let us have mercy on my son for
he is very ill and talks in tongues
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"and is a lunatic and often
falls in the fire and the water."
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So, our question is, if God is
so benevolent and all-loving,
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then why are some of his creatures
so shamefully decrepit, piteous?
159
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,640
Because he's full of evil!
160
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:12,200
Good, Doreen. Let's explore this.
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Ahem, excuse me.
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00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:18,160
Is it because of all his wicked sins
in a previous life?
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Good. Good, good.
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I like the creativity.
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And we obviously do not believe
in the absurdity of reincarnation
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but if it is not that, what is it?
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Then he has the demon within him!
168
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Badass! Hosanna be praised!
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I will cast that demon out.
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MUSIC: Theme from The Omen
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In the name of Jesus...
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SHE SPEAKS IN TONGUES
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..I cast this demon out!
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SHE SPEAKS IN TONGUES
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DING!
Oh, my noodles have defrosted.
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Wait, her noodles are more important
than my demonic possession?
177
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:11,600
Fucking great.
178
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,600
The truth the Bible teaches us
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00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:17,600
is that Tim simply
has a sickness of the soul.
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00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:21,240
His grotesque appearance is simply
a manifestation of
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00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,760
his inner ugly wickedness,
nothing more.
182
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:25,960
Woohoo, I'm all demon!
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00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,080
Tim can be saved...
184
00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:32,360
..with the power of our
prayers and love.
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00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,120
And if he repents his sins,
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00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:38,400
starting by receiving
the holy spirit with baptism.
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Are you ready to be
one of God's children? No.
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We're having a baptism this
Sunday at the local pool.
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Will you come with us, Tim?
190
00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:48,000
Will you save your soul?
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00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,480
No...
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00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:50,760
Ooh.
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00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:54,320
GOSPEL CHOIR: Jesus, take me to
the higher ground!
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00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,000
Church is great!
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00:10:56,000 --> 00:11:00,400
They take in the poor,
the wretched and the downtrodden
196
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:03,800
and then tell them
how awful they are!
197
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:06,040
Church, religion?
198
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,280
Let me tell you
how I feel about religion, Timmy.
199
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:12,400
When you were born,
I got on my knees
200
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:15,280
and I prayed to God to make
you better.
201
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,960
I mean, what kind of mother fu,
fu, fu, fu, fu, fu...
202
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:24,040
Hallelujah! God has
stopped my mom from yelling at me.
203
00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:28,040
This prayer shit they're doing
is actually working!
204
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,560
Not this church stuff again?
I thought you went with him?
205
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:32,440
I did, and I'll be going back.
Not you too?
206
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,120
Just as soon as I learn how to say,
207
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:36,360
"back off my turf,
you fucking leach."
208
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:39,560
Anyway, back in the real world,
I've got your exam results. Ooh.
209
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:49,240
Oh, God - four A*s
and a distinction for the essay.
210
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:53,400
Hallelujah! Another miracle.
211
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:57,440
You know who we have to
thank for this?
212
00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:58,640
God.
213
00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:02,240
Well, no, I sat the exam,
didn't I, Tim? Not God.
214
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:04,760
Certainly not you.
215
00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:10,560
You know, ever since I joined
the church, my life has been great.
216
00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:13,840
They want to baptise me
in a swimming bath.
217
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:17,600
No-one's ever given me
a bath before.
218
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:22,800
And that girl is so nice and pretty,
219
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,160
just as God made her.
220
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:32,440
You lift me up and I am
heaven-bound.
221
00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:40,120
Do you think the church lets
its flock have sex with each other?
222
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:41,320
Hey.
223
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:42,600
Excuse me.
224
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:44,320
Do you understand that?
225
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:47,000
Esther? Oh, yes.
226
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,880
She's so devout,
227
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:50,800
she was offering a prayer.
228
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,120
What was she saying?
229
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:56,080
"Oh Lord, if I debase myself
by washing this tramp's feet again,
230
00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:59,720
"will you forgive my sins and let me
into the kingdom of heaven?"
231
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:01,560
So, she doesn't fancy Tim?
232
00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:05,120
Oh, no, she was just testing
the limits of her faith.
233
00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:11,400
"There's nothing so foul I
would not do,
234
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:15,680
"even with that nauseating
stench maker,
235
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:19,320
"to show my love for you, Lord.
236
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,320
"He really stinks of piss."
237
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,320
Thank God.
238
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,960
Tim, she's a fucking nutcase,
just like the others.
239
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,080
You know what this means?
240
00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:32,720
Yes.
241
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:35,120
Never-ending foot rubs.
242
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:36,960
Another sign from God!
243
00:13:58,480 --> 00:13:59,800
Why are you wearing that?
244
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:04,040
I thought it was what
everyone would be wearing.
245
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:05,520
I think I look pretty.
246
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,320
OK.
247
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:12,360
Tim, you are here because you want
to be reborn in the name of Jesus.
248
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,160
I'm going to ask you three
questions.
249
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,600
OK, shoot.
250
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,560
Do you accept there is only one God,
our Lord -
251
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:21,280
the Father, the Son and
the Holy Ghost?
252
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,520
Yeah, I think you need to look at
your maths again.
253
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:27,840
But, yeah, sure.
254
00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:28,960
OK, why not?
255
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:34,640
Do you turn your back on Satan
and all of his works?
256
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:35,880
Yes.
257
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:37,080
Well, most of them.
258
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:41,360
Can't give up plastic straws.
259
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:46,040
And finally, do you
accept Jesus Christ as your saviour?
260
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:48,920
I already answered that one.
261
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,240
Jesus, get me out of here.
262
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:54,840
Then in the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Ghost...
263
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:07,360
What the fuck is wrong with
you people?
264
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,640
Everyone has the exact same
baptism as standard.
265
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,040
I would've thought you'd seen
everyone before you.
266
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:14,400
No, I was busy looking at that guy.
267
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:21,720
What, no-one else noticed him?
268
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:25,320
This is stupid,
you're all fucking weird.
269
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:26,440
I'm out.
270
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,360
Look, he's walking!
271
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:34,200
Truly a miracle.
272
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,720
Proof that God's love is within us!
273
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:39,120
Oh, for fuck's sake.
274
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,320
I forgot he could
walk in water unaided.
275
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:44,240
I knew it was going to work one day.
276
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:47,760
Quickly, back to church to
tell the world of this wonder.
277
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:51,200
I wonder if I can walk ON water?
278
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:56,520
Ready to be saved
279
00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:58,520
Time for me to turn around
280
00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:00,600
Tired of living this way, yeah
281
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:02,800
Open up the good book,
it's waiting for you...
282
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,760
Quite funky, to be fair.
283
00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:08,120
No devil's going to take my soul
284
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:10,000
He's not going to take it
285
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,080
And I am heaven-bound.
286
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:14,080
Walk for us, Tim!
287
00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:20,280
I thought this might happen.
288
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,640
NOW can we go home?
289
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,800
OK, it is clear what the problem is.
290
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,920
Tim isn't trying hard enough
to be righteous.
291
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,080
So we must double
down on his spiritual rigour.
292
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:33,000
Esther, as another disabled,
you are in char...
293
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,560
"No, this is too much punishment.
294
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:42,920
"All I did was a little defile
of myself watching The Notebook.
295
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:48,080
"Surely I've done enough to prove
myself worthy of God's grace?
296
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:54,320
"Jesus loves me too much to stick me
with this disgusting man-child.
297
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:57,520
"I'm out of here.
298
00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:00,680
"At least I won't have to put up
with Janice any more."
299
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:04,920
Ah, deaf people are
the worst kind of disabled.
300
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:08,200
I knew she couldn't hack
being a carer.
301
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:11,800
Ruth, YOU can't hack being a carer!
302
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:13,920
Oh, right.
303
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:14,960
Idris. Yep.
304
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:20,280
There you go.
305
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:25,320
You lift me up and I am
heaven-bound!
306
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:51,840
Hello.
307
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:54,640
Hello!
308
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,480
I'm the demon that lives inside you
309
00:17:57,480 --> 00:18:00,120
and I'm about to
take your soul forever!
310
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:01,560
Bwah-ha-ha!
311
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,880
HE COUGHS
312
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:05,160
Sorry, it's the smoke.
313
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:07,600
Oh, oh. What?
314
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:12,360
I just thought my demon would
be badass,
315
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:14,480
but you're so lame.
316
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:15,680
Really?
317
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,120
Is THIS lame?
318
00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:20,240
BLAZING KEYTAR SOLO
319
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:26,800
So lame.
320
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:28,560
So fucking lame.
321
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:30,920
So fucking lame.
322
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:32,520
Tim.
323
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:33,960
Tim, come on, wake up.
324
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:36,920
Methadone?
325
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:38,200
Really?
326
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,760
This whole time?
327
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:42,080
That explains a lot.
I told you not to.
328
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:46,640
Ruth, I just had the worst dream.
329
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:49,480
Shh, there, there.
330
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:51,080
It's OK.
331
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:52,480
Look, it was just a dream.
332
00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:54,560
You promise? Yeah.
333
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:55,880
How is he?
334
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:57,920
Aaaaarrrgghhh!
335
00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,920
MUSIC: Fire
by The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown
336
00:19:00,970 --> 00:19:05,520
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