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1
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This programme
contains strong language.
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00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:07,680
SLURPING
3
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Another tap water?
4
00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:16,280
Oh, no, thank you.
5
00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:21,120
Yeah, mate.
No, it's a Tinder date.
6
00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:23,960
Ah, well, she's a six out of ten,
but a shag's a shag!
7
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HE LAUGHS
8
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I'm going for a piss.
I'll call you back.
9
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MUSIC: In Hell I'll Be In Good
Company by The Dead South
10
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Actually, sorry,
could I get a glass of water?
11
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Sure.
12
00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:53,200
There you go.
13
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In hell I'll be in good company.
14
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VIDEO CALL ALERT
15
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:32,680
Hi! How's my baby boy doing?
Hey, Mom, I'm fine.
16
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Are you still in bed? Kind of.
17
00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:36,880
You know how proud I am
18
00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:40,120
that you're standing on
your own two feet in London.
19
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So fucking stand on them,
goddamn it!
20
00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:46,720
It's ten o'clock in the morning!
Mom, there's a time difference.
21
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Oh, yeah.
22
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:52,200
No, it's the other way around.
It's three o'clock in the afternoon!
23
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:55,160
Stop being an asshole and get up.
24
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:58,960
Listen, I want it to work
out for you over there.
25
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,320
You don't want to come back.
26
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,240
I mean, you'll just spend your time
27
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:05,120
sitting out on the porch
in a rocking chair.
28
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:08,880
Every chair's a rocking chair
when I sit in it.
29
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Exactly!
30
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:14,760
And you don't want to grow old
and lonely doing that. Oh, Mom.
31
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:18,920
I don't think you need
to worry about me growing old.
32
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:21,200
You want me to get the casket ready?
33
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SHE LAUGHS
34
00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:24,120
Did you get a job yet?
35
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,840
You know it's hard for me
to get a job.
36
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:31,280
Baby, as the world's leading
internet expert on cerebral palsy,
37
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I can tell you categorically
38
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that being a pussy is not a symptom.
39
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:38,640
DOOR OPENS
40
00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:41,560
Oh, shit, Mom, I've gotta go.
My carer's here.
41
00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:43,560
All right.
42
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:48,480
I love you, Mom.
I love you, too. Bye, sweetie.
43
00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:50,080
Hey, Ruth!
44
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This place is a mess.
45
00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:56,280
Have you eaten today?
46
00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:57,640
No, no, no.
47
00:02:57,640 --> 00:03:00,640
Thank fuck for that.
Right, when you're making it,
48
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I'll have a cheese sandwich.
49
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:04,480
Thanks, Tim.
50
00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:07,240
I mean, I have just walked
all the way from the Tube.
51
00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:08,760
Oh.
52
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,800
You must be exhausted.
53
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:12,840
Do you know, I am a bit.
54
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,800
Tim. Eh?
55
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:20,760
Have you not renewed your visa yet?
56
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:23,640
Hey, it'll be fine. No, it won't.
57
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:27,080
Don't you read the papers?
We hate immigrants in this country.
58
00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:30,680
I'm American. You love Americans.
59
00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:33,200
We're like you, but with sex appeal.
60
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,520
Look, it says that you've
got to get a job.
61
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:37,120
That bit's double underlined.
62
00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:38,800
I'm an artist.
63
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,440
My life is my job.
64
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,680
Everything I create is art.
65
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,440
Well, your art looks disgusting.
66
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:54,080
You're just scared to get a job
cos you'll be crap at it.
67
00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:55,840
Well, maybe.
68
00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:58,600
Look, it's easy. I've got a job.
69
00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:00,840
HE SCOFFS Barely!
70
00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,840
What exactly do you do?
71
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,640
I'm a carer.
72
00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:07,720
I care.
73
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:09,520
I went on a two-day course.
74
00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:11,920
They gave me a certificate.
75
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,360
Look, just try and stay.
76
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:17,400
You're one of the least depressing
ones that I look after.
77
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:19,200
And...
78
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,520
And...and you what?
79
00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:23,600
You like me!
80
00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:27,040
You're friends with me!
81
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:30,800
God, you're so emotionally retarded.
82
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:32,640
Tim!
83
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:35,120
You know that we never
use that word.
84
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:36,880
I'm sorry.
85
00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,160
You're not emotional.
86
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:40,760
Thank you.
87
00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,560
What's your name, sorry?
88
00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:48,600
Right.
89
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:50,360
Here's the dealio.
90
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,080
I need a job
91
00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:55,240
or they're going to kick me
out of this country
92
00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:57,440
all the way back home.
93
00:04:57,440 --> 00:04:59,040
So back home to...?
94
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:02,720
America. Can't you tell
by my accent?
95
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,120
Ha! Um...
96
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:08,240
Oh, you thought I was
from Cerebral Palsy-onia!
97
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,000
Yes... No!
98
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:13,600
No, no. God...Oh, God, no. No.
I'll be straight with you, Tim.
99
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:16,800
The only bit of "disability"
that I care about is "ability".
100
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,080
Jesus. I think we're all very
different, aren't we?
101
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:20,920
And very different
in different ways.
102
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:23,000
I, for example suffer, from anosmia,
103
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,960
which means I have a very
limited sense of smell.
104
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:29,160
Uh, that's really not a disability.
105
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,440
Thank you, Tim. That means a lot.
106
00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:34,360
Right, let's get cracking. What
sort of work are you interested in?
107
00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,280
Airforce stunt pilot.
108
00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:39,560
You probably need a bit of
experience to be a stunt pilot.
109
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:41,960
I do have experience!
110
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,480
How do you think I got like this?
111
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:45,800
IMITATES PLANE ENGINE
112
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,960
IMITATES EXPLOSION
113
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:49,440
From....
114
00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:51,600
Well, let's try a different tack.
115
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,880
What sort of skills do you have,
Tim?
116
00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:56,480
I can dance. You...
117
00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:58,400
Yeah, I can dance.
118
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,320
Are you...? Should you...?
119
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:03,480
OK...everything OK, or...?
120
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,560
Whoa! If we can...
121
00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,360
..sort that...if you'd
like to just...
122
00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:10,320
Put that down. Put it down. OK.
123
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,760
"Boy can dance!" Great. Great.
124
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,800
I will. "His moves are fire!"
125
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,640
Just spotted this.
126
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,440
Actually, a greetings card company
127
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:22,240
are looking for a young,
enthusiastic, entry-level applicant
128
00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:26,000
to work in all aspects of their
editorial slash art department.
129
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:29,800
That could be an alternative,
if you...
130
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:33,920
It does also say they're looking
for candidates from a diverse
131
00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:37,080
range of backgrounds, so,
you know, you get your visa
132
00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:41,040
and I'll have helped
make your future your today.
133
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:05,240
HE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
134
00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:14,360
MUSIC: Check Yourself by Ice Cube
135
00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:22,240
So come on and chickity check
yourself before you wreck yourself
136
00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:26,600
Check
137
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:31,800
You better check yo self
before you wreck yo self
138
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,120
Cos I'm bad for your health
I come real stealth
139
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,600
Dropping bombs on your moms
Kill car alarms
140
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:39,240
Doin' foul crime
I'm that brother wit' the Alpine
141
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,440
Sold it for a six-o
Always let tricks know
142
00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:43,680
And friends know we got the indo
143
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,120
No, I'm not a sucker
144
00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:46,880
Sitting in a house of pain
145
00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:48,760
And no, I'm not the butler
I'll cut ya
146
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,000
Head-butt ya
You say you can't touch this
147
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,280
And I wouldn't touch ya
Punk you a sucka
148
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:55,520
Here to let you know boy, oh boy
149
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:58,000
I make dough
But don't call me Dough Boy
150
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,040
This ain't no kinda
motion picture
151
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,600
A guy or trick-a
My homie get wit'cha
152
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,040
And hit ya
Takin' that yack to the neck.
153
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:08,160
Tim. Um... Hey, I'm Shaun. I'm...
154
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:12,200
..chief lunatic at Anarchy Hamster.
155
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,600
It didn't actually say
on your CV that you're...
156
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:20,480
..about the...you know, that you've
got a different ability to, um...
157
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:23,440
..work...which is cool, because
we're always looking for sort of
158
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:27,680
a new perspective, new voice,
untapped edge at AH HQ,
159
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,520
that's Anarchy Hamster HQ. Jesus.
160
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:33,560
You've got a degree in
illustrative graphics and design.
161
00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:36,840
What do you...what do you make
of our products? Oh, OK.
162
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:40,560
So, uh, did you just do that?
Is that your work? Yeah.
163
00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:44,040
The baby's done a massive
shit everywhere. Yeah!
164
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,880
It certainly has, hasn't it?
That's fresh...
165
00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:48,080
And what's the red?
166
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:51,200
Yeah, there's blood in the stool,
Shaun.
167
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:54,040
It's not a good time.
168
00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:55,440
It's...
169
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:58,920
OK. Um...
170
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:00,720
What else have you done here?
171
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:04,040
Oh, your mom. I did your mom.
172
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:08,040
MUSIC: Call Me by Blondie
173
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,760
Tim, Idris here,
at Leg Up recruitment.
174
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,480
Look, I don't know what you
said at that meeting, but
175
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,320
you've got the bloody job, mate!
176
00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:17,920
I could kiss your face.
177
00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:19,440
Call me back. BEEP
178
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:21,040
Tim, Idris again.
179
00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:23,080
Not sure if you picked up
my earlier message, but
180
00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:26,680
they want you to start tomorrow,
so do give me a call back, please.
181
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:31,000
BEEP Tim, it's Idris again.
182
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,520
I really need you to get back
to me about this job, mate.
183
00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:35,400
You start tomorrow at 9am.
184
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,240
So you don't want to blow it,
do you?
185
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:40,200
Think of the visa. Can you
give me a call back? Please?
186
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,200
So, actually, I heard your mum
was so fat
187
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,520
that she could
sell shade in summer!
188
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:50,040
Have you been looking these up on
the internet?
189
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:51,280
Yeah...yeah.
190
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,440
And if she sat on a dime,
it would turn into nickels!
191
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:56,400
It's an American site.
192
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:58,480
You can't really change it
from 10p's to 5p's.
193
00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:00,040
It's the wrong rhythm.
194
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,400
I'm going to put you here, OK?
195
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:04,240
This is...this is Anne,
she's a deputy lunatic.
196
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:07,640
She just does most
of the new mum cards.
197
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:11,000
But this is the real boss,
Charlie. Charlie boy!
198
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:15,080
Hi! Welcome to Anarchy Hamster.
199
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,360
"I didn't know I had it in me."
200
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:20,600
Yeah? So it's a proud mum boast,
201
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:23,400
and it's also a joke on
carrying a child. Loving that.
202
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:27,320
What about, if on the inside,
it just says,
203
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:30,400
"I thought it was a huge shit,
204
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,920
"and I was right"?
205
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,440
That's just...
206
00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:37,200
I like that. That's... Can we...?
207
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,880
What about if we change
"huge shit" for "stomachache"?
208
00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:44,480
Cos Anarchy Hamster, we're kind of
about responsible irresponsibility.
209
00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:46,040
Listen, I'm going to have to go,
210
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:49,600
but I just want to give you
your contract for the job.
211
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:52,080
Sign it when you like!
212
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:55,360
It's just a...it's
an industry gag. Oh.
213
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,920
Um... OK. Um...
214
00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:00,640
Listen, I'm...I'm just
going to say this.
215
00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:01,760
Are...do...
216
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:03,400
Do you have special needs?
217
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,600
You know, like, for the work
station. Do you need
218
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,920
an ergonomical, adjustable chair?
219
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:10,720
Yeah. Leather. Leather. OK.
220
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,360
Salmon leather. Salmon leather?
221
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:15,440
And a bigger desk.
222
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,720
Bigger than hers. Oh, I see.
223
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,640
And a guide dog. OK. And new shoes.
224
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,400
Oh, shoes! Right.
225
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:25,160
YOUR shoes. My shoes?
But not those shoes.
226
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,800
OK! Anyway, listen,
I'm going to let you two riff.
227
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,280
So, um...yeah. Get going.
228
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:39,440
Come here. Who's a good boy?
229
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,200
Hey, Charlie,
230
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:52,480
I didn't think we were
allowed to eat lunch at our desk!
231
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,960
KNOCK ON DOOR
232
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,000
Morning. How do you know
where I live?
233
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,200
It's written on your
job application form.
234
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:08,560
Do you have problems with
personal boundaries?
235
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:10,200
I do, I'm afraid, yes.
236
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,800
It's another of the burdens
I carry through life.
237
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:18,160
Hello. I'm Idris.
238
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:20,240
No.
239
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,480
You're not an Idris.
240
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:25,520
So you must be Tim's girlfriend.
241
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:31,760
Who are you?
242
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:34,640
What? You don't think I can
do better than that?
243
00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:37,080
I wouldn't go out wi'
someone THAT short!
244
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:39,080
Pfft! Be like fucking a garden
gnome.
245
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:41,440
I'm not THAT short!
246
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,880
Where have you gone, Tim?
247
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:47,560
I didn't see you down there!
248
00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:49,680
Hey! Don't you dare take
the piss out of Tim.
249
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:52,040
Oh, I wouldn't. I wasn't.
250
00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:55,960
Oh, um, could you just
pick up that crap there?
251
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,520
This? Yeah.
252
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:05,400
Could you just put them
in the washing basket?
253
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,920
Er...I guess so.
254
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:10,960
Idris,
255
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,320
just out of curiosity,
256
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,240
why the fuck are you here?
257
00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:18,920
Oh, just in the area, thought
I'd drop in. See...
258
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:21,640
Also, I got a call
from Shaun at Anarchy Hamster.
259
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:23,960
Should you not be at work today?
260
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,240
Yeah. I'll go in later.
261
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,560
I love being a job guy!
262
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,960
Could you just grab that hoover?
263
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:32,920
Be good not to...
264
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,480
Try not to be too late, though, Tim.
265
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,120
I don't want you to
get into trouble.
266
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,960
Honestly, I don't think I can.
Yesterday...
267
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,280
Bad kids
268
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,440
All my friends are bad kids
269
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,560
Product of no dad kids
270
00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:47,680
Kids like you and me
271
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:49,480
Bad kids
272
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,760
Ain't no college grad kids
273
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:54,160
Living life out on the skids
274
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,920
Kids like you and me
275
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,600
In class
We are a minority
276
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:01,520
Got no
Respect for authority...
277
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,000
FIRE ALARM RINGS
278
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:04,720
..And won't
Play well with others
279
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,960
And steal
From all your mothers
280
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,040
They'll try
To give us pills
281
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,520
Oh, wait
Give us all the pills
282
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:13,800
Go cry
Mom, I gotta go to court
283
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:16,440
Dad won't
Pay his child support.
284
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:19,680
I think I'm on some kind of
quota scheme.
285
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:24,160
Probably means they don't need
to hire a transsexual.
286
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,040
Afternoon, everyone!
287
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:39,320
The morning post is here!
288
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:41,680
Say, are you Andrew?
289
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:43,080
Uh, no.
290
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:46,320
Could you give this to Andrew?
Thank you!
291
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,920
Here's your payslip, Philip.
292
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:52,560
Hey, Trevor.
293
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,320
Here's your payslip!
294
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,400
Philip gets more than you.
I knew it!
295
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:04,560
I know. I'm on your side, sister.
296
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:07,240
I think it's because he's a man.
297
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,680
Although it could be cos she's shit.
298
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:14,360
Hey, Anne. Any calls?
299
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:15,720
No.
300
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,080
VIDEO CALL ALERT Oh, sorry, it's my mom.
301
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:21,680
Hey, gimpy!
302
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,880
Why haven't you been
calling your mom?
303
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,200
Oh, I got a job now, Mom.
304
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:29,200
No, you fucking didn't!
305
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,160
You never had a job.
306
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:34,320
Well, you did have that
weekly paper route.
307
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:37,920
It was supposed to be daily,
but at the speed you walk...
308
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:39,600
SHE LAUGHS
309
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:42,360
I'm an office guy now, Mom.
310
00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,760
I'm in the old 9 to 5,
311
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:46,200
doing the rat race.
312
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:48,960
You're not pulling any of your
usual Tim crap, are you?
313
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,120
No!
314
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:51,760
Well, yeah, a little.
315
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:57,280
British people are so nice,
it's hard NOT to fuck with them.
316
00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:59,120
You got your shoes on?
317
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:02,120
Yeah.
318
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,720
Totally. Put someone on the phone.
319
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,720
I gotta make sure you're OK.
320
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:10,240
Anne. Come on. Come on.
321
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:11,720
OK. Yeah.
322
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:18,080
This is Anne.
She's my office friend.
323
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,040
Hi, Mrs Renkow.
Come in a little closer.
324
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,240
I want to get a good look at you.
325
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:26,120
Anne, be nice to my boy.
326
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,680
Make sure he wears his shoes,
327
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:34,240
because no-one wants me to come over
there and make an office visit.
328
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:36,400
All right. Bye, sweetie.
329
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:39,000
What do we say? I love you, Mom.
330
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,800
I love you too, honey.
331
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:43,000
What about you, Anne?
332
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:45,880
I love you, Mrs Renkow?
333
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,200
SHE LAUGHS
334
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,000
Bye, Mom. Oh, boy!
335
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,360
CALL ENDS
336
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,920
Right, so jump in, people,
when you're ready.
337
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:02,960
Remember, in this room
there are no wrong answers.
338
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,880
Very simple idea for new mums.
339
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:06,360
Ugh.
340
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:09,160
OK, simple slogan. "Hello, baby."
341
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:11,040
Then on the inside,
342
00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:12,640
"Bye-bye, wallet."
343
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:15,960
Oh, I like that, Anne.
I like it a lot.
344
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,600
But what about,
345
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:19,160
"Hello, baby.
346
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,080
"Bye-bye, perineum"?
347
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:25,440
You know, Anne, it's the part
348
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:29,520
between the baby-maker and the anus.
349
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,760
It just becomes the vag-anus.
350
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,120
GENTLE LAUGHTER
351
00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:35,480
Vag-anus...
352
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,720
Not appropriate. Not...
353
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,240
Look, Anne.
354
00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:42,440
I'm not saying your ideas are shit.
355
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:48,000
I'm saying novelty cards
are bullshit.
356
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,600
What do you suggest we do
instead, Tim?
357
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,280
I don't know.
Off top of my head...
358
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,640
..get some self-respect?
359
00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,800
All of you.
360
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:04,840
IDRIS: What, and they
still didn't sack you?
361
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:07,800
I think I might be a superhero,
362
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:12,360
and my superpower is that I
cannot be sacked!
363
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:18,040
Imagine having a job where you can
do fuck all and get away wi' it.
364
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:21,880
Yeah, where are you
supposed to be now? Uh...
365
00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:24,760
Looking after old Eileen,
on March Road.
366
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:27,840
Oh, she's got terrible
post-operative incontinence.
367
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:31,360
She needs changing
on a regular basis.
368
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,720
Colin... Idris.
369
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:37,520
Could you be a love
and just pop round and see her?
370
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,240
Now? Mm-hm.
371
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:42,920
Well, I guess I do have experience
of caring for the elderly.
372
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,480
Do you still live with your mum?
373
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:46,960
Yeah.
374
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,920
It's kind of a lifestyle choice,
though.
375
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,360
Is it?
376
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:52,720
RUTH AND TIM LAUGH
377
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:54,760
Oh, Ruth. What?
378
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,480
You were right.
379
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:59,160
I WAS scared of getting a job,
380
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:02,640
but I've conquered my fear,
381
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,520
and I have you to thank.
382
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:09,600
Are you going to use your powers
for evil or good?
383
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:12,760
Evil. Yes!
384
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,920
THEY LAUGH
385
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:26,760
Tim, do you want to step
into the office for a minute?
386
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:30,400
No.
387
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:31,840
Joking...
388
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:35,680
Just for a second.
389
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,800
All right. I'm coming.
390
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,720
Hey, Shaun. Hey. Annie!
391
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,840
My two favourite people.
392
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:57,240
OK. Um...
393
00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:02,200
I just... I want to tell you that
I like and respect you, Tim, OK?
394
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:06,080
I think your behaviour, your whole
outlook is a breath of fresh air.
395
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:07,600
I love it. It's like...
396
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,600
You're like a young Bill Hicks,
you know?
397
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:11,320
I just... I love...
398
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:13,840
But you've gone too far, mate.
399
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:17,720
Is it for selling your credit
card details on the dark web?
400
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:21,360
No! No, but I got... I got
roasted with that one. But...
401
00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:22,920
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
402
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:27,000
..breast-feeding is nothing
to ever be ashamed of, OK?
403
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:30,120
No woman should have to apologise
404
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:34,120
for giving their kid the
greatest start in life. OK?
405
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:37,160
We're going to have to terminate
your contract, Tim? What?
406
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:40,520
Tim, do you deny saying to Anne
when she was breast-feeding,
407
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,360
"I didn't think we were allowed
to eat lunch at the desk"?
408
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:45,120
You're firing me for that?
409
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:49,840
Cos I really thought it was
because I took a shit in your desk.
410
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,400
HE OPENS DRAWER
411
00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:59,280
It's fine.
412
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,920
It was a made-up job anyway.
413
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:03,480
What do you mean?
414
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,960
Yeah, you just hired me
so you could say you had one.
415
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,040
No, no, no. No. That's not...
416
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,160
No, no, no... Whatever, mate.
417
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:19,960
Bye, then!
418
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:30,080
Well, we've got you one job.
We can get you another one.
419
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:32,880
You shall not be sent back
to America! Tim,
420
00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:36,480
why is it whenever I see you now,
Russell's here?
421
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:39,120
It's cos Tim is more than my client.
422
00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:40,720
He's...he's my little project.
423
00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:42,280
Right, Tim? Oh!
424
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:45,440
And we are officially Team Tim.
425
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:47,360
The Tim Team.
426
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:50,000
Which one sounds better? Neither.
427
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:54,480
The main thing now is we need
to get you another job.
428
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:55,800
What do you really want to do?
429
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,720
I want your job. My...
430
00:21:57,720 --> 00:21:59,720
What? Yeah.
431
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,280
You help people not get jobs.
432
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:05,840
I can totally help people
not get jobs.
433
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:11,000
I actually work quite hard
to get where I am, so...
434
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,680
Tim, you're Idris. Yay!
435
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:16,920
Idris, you are going to change
old Eileen's nappy.
436
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,360
Would you look at that?!
437
00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:23,080
I've been Idris for less
than five seconds,
438
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,720
and I've already got you a job!
439
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,960
Very good. Fucking nailed it!
440
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:31,560
Ha! Pow!
441
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:36,160
MUSIC: Walcott by Vampire Weekend
442
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:59,720
Walcott
Don't you know that it's insane?
443
00:22:59,770 --> 00:23:04,320
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