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- ♪ Now as our pooryoung lungs deflate ♪
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00:00:08,908 --> 00:00:12,808
♪ I'll admitI've gotten older ♪
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00:00:12,879 --> 00:00:18,549
♪ Mellowed out, chatting upthose I used to hate ♪
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00:00:18,651 --> 00:00:21,091
♪ ♪
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00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:25,427
♪ The feeling thatwe're lost will always fade ♪
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♪ I present no explanations ♪
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♪ Can't expectour tired patience ♪
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♪ To satiate for long ♪
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♪ Therein lies a truthwe can sip when we want ♪
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♪ Disciples of the flow,we can float anywhere ♪
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[knocking]
- Uh, principal?
12
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,922
They told me you wanna see me
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00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:57,620
and that you're-you're furious.
Principal, you there?
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00:00:57,724 --> 00:01:00,134
- [laughs] Gotcha.
- Wait, what?
15
00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:01,426
- The principal's at lunch.
16
00:01:01,528 --> 00:01:02,958
- That's not funny
at all, Brenda.
17
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:04,703
I gotta question
your sense of humor.
18
00:01:04,764 --> 00:01:06,474
- It's super funny, trust me.
19
00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,226
- Since when do you have
a good personality?
20
00:01:08,301 --> 00:01:10,041
I thought you were the boring
lady who sits in the hall.
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- When the principal is here,
I'm buttoned-up Brenda.
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00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:15,312
But once he leaves, man,
I let lose.
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00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:16,938
- Let's get
buttoned-up Brenda back.
24
00:01:17,043 --> 00:01:19,083
This is not working.
- Here's why I called you in.
25
00:01:19,145 --> 00:01:20,975
- Okay.
- The principal's 20th
26
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,721
anniversary at school
is coming up.
27
00:01:22,782 --> 00:01:25,322
So we're throwing him a roast.
- A roast?
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- Where you make fun of people,
but you do it in a fun way.
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00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,591
And we want you
to be the roast master.
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00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:32,487
- Roast master?
That sounds like a lot of work.
31
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I'm-I'm gonna pass.
- There's no passing.
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No, no. No passing.
- Eh.
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00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:37,102
Count me out.
- It's been decided.
34
00:01:37,163 --> 00:01:38,333
We already went
to the print shop.
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We made a cardboard cutout.
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- I didn't approve that.
That's not sanctioned.
37
00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:43,074
- It's not up to you
to approve anything.
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00:01:43,136 --> 00:01:45,406
Once you're on school grounds,
pfft with your rights.
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00:01:45,472 --> 00:01:47,842
- I'm a minor, so you can
force me to be a roast master?
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00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:50,081
- Yes. We'll force you to sit
in a room as long as we want,
41
00:01:50,143 --> 00:01:52,183
and we can force you
to make jokes.
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- I know we friends
and everything
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but this is a travesty.
- I know.
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00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:57,615
- I got passed over
for roast master, for you.
45
00:01:57,684 --> 00:01:59,454
- I agree, you would have
been better, but hey,
46
00:01:59,519 --> 00:02:01,319
don't let it ruin
the sleepover.
47
00:02:01,421 --> 00:02:03,091
Do you mind if I run
some of my jokes by ya?
48
00:02:03,156 --> 00:02:04,616
- What you got?
49
00:02:04,691 --> 00:02:06,531
- I think I'm gonna open with,
"Greetings.
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00:02:06,626 --> 00:02:07,926
"The principal is very excited
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00:02:07,994 --> 00:02:09,534
"when he heard
we're having a roast.
52
00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:11,199
"But I think the guy
was--I think
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00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:12,867
"he might have
thought we were
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00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,626
talking about roast beef."
55
00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:17,371
- Oh, no.
- I gotta work on the phrasing
56
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:18,770
but that's the gist
of the joke.
57
00:02:18,838 --> 00:02:20,208
- Yeah, we get it.
What else you got?
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00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:22,376
- The principal drives
a Ford Fiesta,
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00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:23,805
which is Spanish for "party."
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00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:25,447
But the last time I checked
this guy's a real
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00:02:25,512 --> 00:02:27,052
party pooper.
Am I right, people?
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00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,717
- Man, this is gonna be
terrible, man.
63
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,115
You gonna bomb.
- You're right, actually.
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00:02:30,183 --> 00:02:31,453
This is not funny.
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00:02:31,518 --> 00:02:32,818
- We got one night
to make you funny.
66
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,046
- All right, what do I do?
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00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,364
- Come with me, Tom.
68
00:02:35,455 --> 00:02:36,615
- Wait, where are we going?
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- Shh. My dad's asleep.
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I don't wanna wake him.
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00:02:39,726 --> 00:02:42,496
- What is this weird room?
- This is a man cave.
72
00:02:42,562 --> 00:02:45,172
- Are we allowed to be in here?
- We not men.
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So technically
we breaking and entering.
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00:02:46,966 --> 00:02:48,836
- Oh, my God,
what an incredible room.
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00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:51,242
Wesley Snipes,
grown lady's boobs,
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00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:53,237
couple of weird hats.
This is incredible.
77
00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:54,969
What do we do now?
- Oh, man, we are about
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00:02:55,041 --> 00:02:56,411
to watch some roast.
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00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:58,509
- Oh, he's got
a collection of roasts.
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00:02:58,578 --> 00:03:01,178
This is perfect.
Learn from the professionals.
81
00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:03,217
- Ryan is so unattractive.
82
00:03:03,316 --> 00:03:06,186
When he smiles at me,I take an immediate shit.
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00:03:06,252 --> 00:03:07,922
- [laughing]
84
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,921
- Huh, kind of
an off-color joke.
85
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:12,533
- Oh, Brian, look at the noseon that guy.
86
00:03:12,592 --> 00:03:13,932
If you can find it.
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00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,657
It looks likea pig's butthole.
88
00:03:15,728 --> 00:03:18,768
- [laughing]
I love this dude, man.
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00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:20,325
- Is that funny
or very hurtful?
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00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,600
- At a roast you say things
that are hurtful.
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00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:25,942
But then you laugh and say,
"Just kidding. Love you buddy."
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00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,239
- Why not just say
the last part?
93
00:03:27,340 --> 00:03:28,740
- Oh, that's not a joke really.
94
00:03:28,841 --> 00:03:30,541
- What a dog-shit careerthis guy has.
95
00:03:30,610 --> 00:03:32,350
I mean, if I woke upwith that career
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00:03:32,412 --> 00:03:34,282
I'd put a shotgun in my mouthand pull the trigger.
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00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:35,950
[laughing] Oh, Brian,
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00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:38,279
you pig nose son of a bitch.Love you buddy.
99
00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:39,894
Oh, you're the man.You're the man.
100
00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:41,723
- Ah, you see people
are having a ball.
101
00:03:41,788 --> 00:03:43,618
Look at that.
- Right, but I can't say
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any of these things.
I'm a kid.
103
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,955
- Like my dad says,
nothing more adorable
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00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,730
than a curse word coming out
of a young child's mouth.
105
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:51,556
- I don't think my mom
would agree,
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00:03:51,631 --> 00:03:53,971
but you guys seem to know what
you're talking about over here.
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[crowd cheers, applauds]- Uh, hi, gang.
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00:03:57,203 --> 00:03:59,043
I can't believe
you guys did this for me.
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00:03:59,105 --> 00:04:02,475
It's--after 20 years,
I love you people like family.
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And as the saying goes,
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00:04:03,943 --> 00:04:06,413
you can't spell "principal"
without pal.
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00:04:06,479 --> 00:04:10,319
And that's--that's how you kids
make me feel.
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Not like I'm your principal
or an authoritative figure,
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00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:17,393
just feel like I'm your pal.
And I--and I do appreciate it.
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[applause]
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- Wow, so emotional.
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All right,
I'm your roast master.
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If you need anything,
just holler.
119
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:27,271
Uh, why don't we start
with Dakota.
120
00:04:29,736 --> 00:04:31,296
- Hi.
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00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:36,784
The Principal is a real bozo,
like, bozo the clown.
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- Aw, so precious.
- Oh. [laughing]
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00:04:40,146 --> 00:04:41,676
Oh, she got me good.
124
00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:45,951
- The principal is here
and he's really silly.
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00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,519
[laughs]
Am I right, guys?
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00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:50,290
- Oh, man, I'm questioning
the material, I really am.
127
00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:53,156
- But we do love you and we're
so happy that you're here.
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00:04:53,259 --> 00:04:55,459
Thank you.
You've been roasted.
129
00:04:55,528 --> 00:04:57,528
- Aw, this is adorable.
130
00:04:57,630 --> 00:05:00,200
Oh, I hope someone's
filming this stuff.
131
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:04,300
- Um...all right.
Number one.
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The principal's glasses
are always dirty.
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00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:08,636
- [chuckling] That is true.
134
00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:10,708
- The only thing filthier
than his glasses is his ex-wife
135
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:13,780
Shannon who was
caught sucking off the UPS guy.
136
00:05:13,846 --> 00:05:15,846
- What?
- Language. Tom.
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00:05:15,948 --> 00:05:17,118
Okay. Wow. Tom.
138
00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:18,553
- I got--I got more.
I got more.
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00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:20,191
I shouldn't have
opened with that.
140
00:05:20,286 --> 00:05:22,356
The principal dreamed
of playing for the Yankees.
141
00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:24,855
Right, Principal?
- Eh, it is true.
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00:05:24,957 --> 00:05:27,487
- But the last time I checked
there's no position in baseball
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00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:29,060
called fat piece of shit.
144
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:32,172
- Oh, this is horrible.
What the hell is going on?
145
00:05:32,231 --> 00:05:34,231
- Do you just maybe have
some normal jokes?
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00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,574
- I was told foul language
is encouraged.
147
00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:38,539
- Who told you that?
- You know what?
148
00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:40,868
I-I know I had
some disappointments in my life
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00:05:40,973 --> 00:05:42,583
but I didn't know--I mean,
150
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:46,975
I'm gonna go drink myself
to sleep and cry into a sock.
151
00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:49,246
- I should have stopped
with the roast beef joke.
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00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,919
[smoke alarm blares]
- Hey, kids. Get back in class.
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Just because the principal
is out
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00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:55,393
does not mean
it's a free for all.
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00:05:55,488 --> 00:05:57,418
- Hey, go suck off the UPS guy!
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00:05:57,523 --> 00:06:00,093
Bam, you've been roasted,
Tom style, baby!
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00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,203
- They really latched on
to that phrase, didn't they?
158
00:06:02,261 --> 00:06:04,401
- Well, well.
- I came to apologize.
159
00:06:04,497 --> 00:06:06,767
- Sorry, Tom.
Principal called in sick.
160
00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:08,766
- Oh, no.
- He's very depressed.
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00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,698
- I gotta say, I think maybe
Hector shouldn't have
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00:06:10,770 --> 00:06:13,040
called him a dumb-dumb.
That was in poor taste.
163
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:14,936
- Are you kidding, Tom?
Do you realize
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00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,541
that all the teachers
are calling you Asshole Tom?
165
00:06:17,610 --> 00:06:19,380
- Now, that's
crossing the line.
166
00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:20,945
- Oh, that's crossing the line?
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00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:22,777
Now you're deciding
what's in good taste.
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00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:24,282
- Well, just tell him
I'm sorry.
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00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,724
If you talk to him,
just tell him I'm sorry.
170
00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:27,385
- No, there's no
I'm telling him anything.
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00:06:27,453 --> 00:06:29,623
You need to talk to him
and make this right.
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00:06:29,722 --> 00:06:31,392
- All right,
I'll go pop in and say hi.
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00:06:31,457 --> 00:06:33,687
I'm sure he's fine, though.
I mean, he's the principal.
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00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,800
[moody pop ballad playing
over speakers]
175
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[doorbell rings]
176
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:41,400
- [moaning along to the music]
177
00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:43,697
- What's going on in there?
- Principal, are you in there?
178
00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:45,140
- [groans]
179
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,108
- Principal, are you okay?
- We gotta get in there.
180
00:06:47,206 --> 00:06:49,606
- All right, you know what?
We're coming in.
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00:06:49,709 --> 00:06:52,209
Principal?
- Oh. Hey, guys.
182
00:06:52,278 --> 00:06:54,148
Come on in. Grab a slice.
183
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:56,447
- Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
184
00:06:56,549 --> 00:06:58,989
- Are you sure? You really
look like a train wreck.
185
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:01,315
- Tom, your insults
were a real wake-up call.
186
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,991
And I've decided to quit my job
187
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:05,489
and become an assistant bookie
with my friend, Lu.
188
00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:07,891
- Oh, no, don't do that.
Nah. Those were jokes.
189
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,730
- I'm sorry,
which part was untrue?
190
00:07:09,796 --> 00:07:11,256
Do I not have a weight problem?
191
00:07:11,330 --> 00:07:12,670
- Yes.
It's not an ideal physique.
192
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:15,065
- Did my wife not blow
the UPS driver?
193
00:07:15,134 --> 00:07:17,004
- She did.
That's a well-documented story.
194
00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:19,643
- Have I not failed at pursuing
all my childhood dreams?
195
00:07:19,739 --> 00:07:21,469
- You've clearly failed
at many things.
196
00:07:21,574 --> 00:07:23,484
But we can--you can laugh
about it now, right?
197
00:07:23,576 --> 00:07:25,106
- Nah, you just don't laugh.
It's tragic.
198
00:07:25,178 --> 00:07:26,608
Look at my bucket list.
199
00:07:26,679 --> 00:07:28,509
I've crossed
not one thing off of it!
200
00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:29,984
- Huh, let's see
what you got here.
201
00:07:30,082 --> 00:07:31,822
Sit on a hammock?
That's pretty easy to do.
202
00:07:31,918 --> 00:07:34,088
- Well, I literally sat
on a hammock an hour ago.
203
00:07:34,153 --> 00:07:35,693
- Eat a steak?
- Yeah.
204
00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,458
- You've never eaten a steak?
- I've come close but,
205
00:07:37,523 --> 00:07:39,263
you know, something always
goes wrong.
206
00:07:39,325 --> 00:07:41,185
- These seem like very easy
dreams to achieve.
207
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:42,934
- Yeah, well, that's what
makes it so pathetic.
208
00:07:42,995 --> 00:07:44,425
- Oh, how does this sound?
Look.
209
00:07:44,497 --> 00:07:46,797
If we help you check
everything off your list,
210
00:07:46,866 --> 00:07:48,366
you come back
to school on Monday.
211
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,298
- How are you gonna help me
check every single thing
212
00:07:50,369 --> 00:07:51,969
off this bucket list?
Take another look at it.
213
00:07:52,038 --> 00:07:53,308
- Principal, we're gonna do it.
214
00:07:53,372 --> 00:07:54,672
We're not taking no
for an answer.
215
00:07:54,774 --> 00:07:56,214
- Deal.
- That's great. All right.
216
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,709
Let's shake.
Oh, wow. That's disgusting.
217
00:07:57,810 --> 00:07:59,310
That's a very greasy hand.
218
00:07:59,378 --> 00:08:02,818
- Number ten on the list.
Sit on a hammock.
219
00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:04,382
- I did it.
Check it off the list.
220
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,054
I sat in a hammock.
Yes!
221
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:08,122
- Okay. You sat in a hammock.
222
00:08:08,187 --> 00:08:11,157
- Oh, my God, I ate a steak!
After all these years.
223
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:13,864
Check another one
off the list, baby!
224
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,800
- Number three on the list,
believe it or not,
225
00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:20,402
is slide down a bowling alley
like a human bowling ball.
226
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,500
- [laughing]
[pins clatter]
227
00:08:23,569 --> 00:08:25,169
- Wow, that's top five?
228
00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:28,138
- Oh, my God,
I'm riding in a Buick.
229
00:08:28,207 --> 00:08:29,807
Check it off the list.
230
00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:32,506
- Did number two on the list
really say "ride in Buick"?
231
00:08:32,578 --> 00:08:35,078
- Says it right here.
"Ride in a late model Buick."
232
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:36,421
[indistinct chatter]
233
00:08:36,515 --> 00:08:38,715
- Okay, one last thing
on the list.
234
00:08:38,818 --> 00:08:42,758
See Glenn Hubert the comedian.
Who's Glenn Hubert by the way?
235
00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:44,555
- He's only my favorite
comedian.
236
00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:47,187
He does a clean act, just like
a ton of observational humor
237
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:50,930
about church and pudding
and cookies and picnics.
238
00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:52,330
- Sounds like he sucks.
239
00:08:52,398 --> 00:08:54,668
- Wait. Wait, what's this?
Sold out. Oh, no.
240
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:57,444
- This is just...
just the story of my life.
241
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,237
I'm, like, so close
and then I blow it.
242
00:09:00,339 --> 00:09:02,679
My neighbor's right.
I don't deserve to be happy.
243
00:09:02,742 --> 00:09:04,082
- C'mon, don't give up.
244
00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:05,946
We promised we would get
you to return to school.
245
00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:08,075
Let me--let me see
what I can do.
246
00:09:08,180 --> 00:09:09,720
- Go ahead.
- Hey.
247
00:09:09,782 --> 00:09:11,222
Can I have a quick chat?
- Mm-hmm.
248
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:13,224
- Can we--can we talk,
comedian to comedian?
249
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:14,916
- I'm a doorman.
I'm not a comedian.
250
00:09:15,021 --> 00:09:16,521
I'm not funny.
- Seem pretty funny.
251
00:09:16,589 --> 00:09:17,919
- No, I'm not funny.
252
00:09:18,024 --> 00:09:19,464
- Is there any way
you could sneak us in
253
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,429
to see Glenn Hubert?
It's for my pal.
254
00:09:21,527 --> 00:09:23,927
He's not doing so well.
He's seen better days.
255
00:09:24,030 --> 00:09:25,870
- What, your pal? Which one?
256
00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:27,372
- Over there, over my shoulder.
257
00:09:27,433 --> 00:09:29,103
- That's so sad.
- It is sad.
258
00:09:29,201 --> 00:09:30,871
The number one thing
on his bucket list,
259
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:32,067
you ready for this?
260
00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:34,068
See Glenn Hubert
live in concert.
261
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:35,540
- I'll talk to Glenn.
- That's amazing.
262
00:09:35,608 --> 00:09:36,978
- Maybe he'll even give him
a shout out.
263
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:38,806
He loves doing
good deeds like this.
264
00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:40,581
- That's a very good deed.
265
00:09:40,646 --> 00:09:42,476
Listen, if I can ever repay
the favor, just say the word.
266
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,152
- Okay. What is it he can do?
267
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:46,150
- Anything, as long as, like,
it's related to the bassoon
268
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,152
or Wiffle ball
or basic things like that.
269
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:49,964
If you need a back--you wanna
borrow a backpack?
270
00:09:50,056 --> 00:09:51,486
- Why would I want a backpack?
- I don't know.
271
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,791
I can't repay the favor.
This is a one way street.
272
00:09:53,893 --> 00:09:55,263
All right, guys,
I pulled some strings.
273
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:56,928
I told him I'm a roast master.
We're in.
274
00:09:56,996 --> 00:09:58,096
- What?
Oh, you're the best.
275
00:09:58,164 --> 00:09:59,404
- We're seeing the whole act.
276
00:09:59,465 --> 00:10:01,465
Glenn Hubert, Todd Glass
and free nachos.
277
00:10:01,567 --> 00:10:03,837
- Wow.
Maybe he is the roast master.
278
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:06,136
- Yeah, in the comedy circles,
I get a lot of respect.
279
00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:09,178
- You guys ready
for some wholesome comedy? Huh?
280
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:11,605
- Yes. What a night.
- Incredible.
281
00:10:11,677 --> 00:10:14,477
- Yeah. Yeah.
How 'bout some clean jokes?
282
00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:16,980
Well, here's your guy.
283
00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:18,623
The sweetest, cleanest,
284
00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:21,194
nicest guy in the game,
here he comes.
285
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:24,817
Give it up for Glenn Hubert.
286
00:10:24,924 --> 00:10:26,864
[cheers and applause]
287
00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:30,859
- [chuckles]
Hi. Hi, everyone.
288
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:33,633
I went to church this morning.
289
00:10:33,699 --> 00:10:36,099
What's up with these pews?
290
00:10:36,168 --> 00:10:39,668
Why are they always
made of wood?
291
00:10:39,772 --> 00:10:42,142
Eh?
Ever hear of cushions?
292
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:43,878
C'mon.
[cheers and laughter]
293
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:46,806
- So him just saying the word
"cushions" is the punchline?
294
00:10:46,879 --> 00:10:48,879
- Look at the principal.
He really loves this guy.
295
00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:50,051
- Look at his eyes.
I've never seen him
296
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:51,449
light up like that before.
297
00:10:51,517 --> 00:10:52,987
- I've never seen a guy
laugh like this.
298
00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:55,322
- You know what ruffles
my feathers?
299
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:56,718
Pudding.
300
00:10:56,822 --> 00:11:00,892
It's not quite ice cream
but not quite custard.
301
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:04,533
C'mon, pudding.
Make a decision.
302
00:11:04,630 --> 00:11:07,400
- Not a great joke.
- Look, I like to tease.
303
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,470
But let's take it down a notch.
304
00:11:09,535 --> 00:11:14,035
I understand we have a special
guest in the audience.
305
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:16,740
He's always wanted
to see me live,
306
00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:18,712
and tonight he gets his wish.
307
00:11:18,811 --> 00:11:20,911
Where is the little guy?
Don't be shy.
308
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,423
- Right here.
- Oh.
309
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:23,875
This is the guy.
- Right here, right here. Look.
310
00:11:23,983 --> 00:11:25,723
- Wait. This is him?
[crowd murmuring]
311
00:11:25,818 --> 00:11:28,248
I was told this is
the Make-A-Wish thing
312
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:31,024
for a little kid.
- Oh, no, I never said that.
313
00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:33,590
- You clearly said my pal.
I thought it was him.
314
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,763
- If I said my pal,
I meant princi-pal.
315
00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:37,501
- Princi what?
- You can't spell principal
316
00:11:37,563 --> 00:11:39,073
without pal.
- What the hell does that mean?
317
00:11:39,165 --> 00:11:40,925
- He's not a kid.
He's, like, in his early 50s.
318
00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:42,603
- 46.
- Folks,
319
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:46,912
there's always
one asshole in the crowd,
320
00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:48,436
and here he is.
321
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,011
- Wait. I'm actually, like,
your biggest fan.
322
00:11:51,077 --> 00:11:55,347
- I tried to do a clean act,
folks, but fuck this guy.
323
00:11:55,414 --> 00:11:57,284
- Glenn, please,
this is a special night.
324
00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:58,783
- Oh, it's a special night?
325
00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:02,094
In that case,
have a drink on me, asshole!
326
00:12:02,188 --> 00:12:04,458
- C'mon, that was uncalled for.
327
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:07,127
- [groans]
- Oh, no, not the crotch.
328
00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:08,426
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
329
00:12:08,527 --> 00:12:10,197
- Hey, don't touch me.
330
00:12:10,262 --> 00:12:12,702
I still need to cross this
off my list.
331
00:12:12,765 --> 00:12:14,095
- Look, if we need
a replacement,
332
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,770
I was on the shortlist
for roast master.
333
00:12:15,868 --> 00:12:19,138
See what you think of this.
What's up with Tom's mom?
334
00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:21,568
- Nelson, no.
- Always with the flip flops.
335
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:24,410
You live in New Jersey, biatch.
Buy some shoes.
336
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,477
Am I right?
[laughter]
337
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:27,909
- Wow, he is good.
338
00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:29,280
If he'd have been
the roast master,
339
00:12:29,381 --> 00:12:32,551
we would have avoided
so many problems.
340
00:12:32,601 --> 00:12:37,151
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