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1
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:09,006
[John Newton's"Amazing Grace"]
2
00:00:09,075 --> 00:00:15,545
♪ ♪
3
00:00:15,648 --> 00:00:17,648
- Oh, my God.
4
00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:21,245
This is just painful.
5
00:00:21,354 --> 00:00:24,824
The kid on that bassoon
is ruining the whole thing.
6
00:00:24,891 --> 00:00:26,491
- Who, me?
What's happening?
7
00:00:26,559 --> 00:00:29,259
- My daughter, Dakota,
practiced very hard for this.
8
00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:31,162
- Dakota, say something.
Your mom's out of control.
9
00:00:31,231 --> 00:00:33,571
- I'm kinda in a tough spot
here, Tom, sorry.
10
00:00:33,666 --> 00:00:34,926
- Hey, lady!
- Oh, no.
11
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,235
- How about you mind
your own business?
12
00:00:36,336 --> 00:00:37,536
- Ma, sit down.
13
00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:39,014
- My son plays bassoon
like an angel.
14
00:00:39,072 --> 00:00:40,272
- Yeah, well,
he's a sucky little angel,
15
00:00:40,373 --> 00:00:41,943
and he sucks at bassoon.
16
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,282
- Oh, is this the day I fist
fight in front of my child?
17
00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:46,747
- Ladies, please,
let's be civil.
18
00:00:46,846 --> 00:00:49,416
Tom, play us a quick solo
19
00:00:49,516 --> 00:00:52,946
to show everyone how hard
you've been practicing.
20
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,393
- There's no such thing
as a bassoon solo.
21
00:00:54,454 --> 00:00:56,024
That's why
I chose the instrument.
22
00:00:56,089 --> 00:00:57,689
- Just play anything.
23
00:00:57,757 --> 00:00:59,627
Stravinsky's Fifth in G minor.
24
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:02,026
- I have too much respect for
my craft and for Stravinsky.
25
00:01:02,095 --> 00:01:03,125
I won't do it.
26
00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:04,959
- Have you studied anything?
27
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,425
Just play something.
28
00:01:06,533 --> 00:01:08,073
- Okay, fine.
Here's a little of, uh,
29
00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:10,044
Beyonce's
"All the Single Ladies."
30
00:01:10,103 --> 00:01:13,213
Let me bang
this out real quick.
31
00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:17,283
[bassoon buzzing]
32
00:01:17,377 --> 00:01:18,807
- Oh, my God.
33
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:23,252
[bassoon buzzing]
34
00:01:23,316 --> 00:01:24,776
- Happy now?
35
00:01:24,884 --> 00:01:28,824
- ♪ Now as our poor younglungs deflate ♪
36
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:32,762
♪ I'll admitI've gotten older ♪
37
00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:35,596
♪ Mellowed out, chatting up ♪
38
00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:38,502
♪ Those I used to hate ♪
39
00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:40,928
♪ ♪
40
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,740
♪ The feelingthat we're lost ♪
41
00:01:42,802 --> 00:01:45,242
♪ Will always fade ♪
42
00:01:45,305 --> 00:01:49,105
♪ I present no explanation ♪
43
00:01:49,175 --> 00:01:50,735
♪ Can't expect ♪
44
00:01:50,810 --> 00:01:53,250
♪ Our tired patience ♪
45
00:01:53,313 --> 00:01:57,323
♪ To satiate for long ♪
46
00:01:57,417 --> 00:01:59,447
♪ And therein lies a truth ♪
47
00:01:59,519 --> 00:02:01,189
♪ We can sip when we want ♪
48
00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:03,117
♪ Disciples of the flow ♪
49
00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:07,329
♪ We can float anywhere ♪
50
00:02:07,427 --> 00:02:09,127
[bell rings]
51
00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:11,355
- Hey, gang.This is your principal here.
52
00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:12,704
Listen, due to budget cuts,
53
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,169
we are now acceptingpaid ads
54
00:02:14,267 --> 00:02:15,797
duringthe morning announcements.
55
00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:18,269
So remember, you're notold enough to drink,
56
00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:19,838
but when you are,
57
00:02:19,939 --> 00:02:22,009
you'll like the smooth tasteof Grey Goose.
58
00:02:22,108 --> 00:02:23,808
All right,that felt completely wrong.
59
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:26,377
We'll revisit that.
[knocking]
60
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:28,009
- Hey.
- Tom, Tom, Tom.
61
00:02:28,114 --> 00:02:29,454
- Hey, buddy.
62
00:02:29,516 --> 00:02:30,946
- You know why I called
you in here, right?
63
00:02:31,017 --> 00:02:32,547
- I don't know,
just general chit chat?
64
00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:34,152
- Well, I'm getting
a lot of complaints
65
00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:35,820
about the bassoon incident.
- Complaints?
66
00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:36,959
- They say
you're "dead weight."
67
00:02:37,023 --> 00:02:38,293
- Dead weight?
68
00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:39,458
- One parent called you
"an albatross."
69
00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:40,826
- Is that good or bad?
70
00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:42,464
- Listen,
I was hoping you'd give up band
71
00:02:42,529 --> 00:02:44,199
and try something different,
like baseball.
72
00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:45,727
- Oh no,
I'm more of a bassoon guy.
73
00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:47,202
- What does that even mean?
74
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:48,670
- I love sitting in
the background
75
00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:50,335
with a large,
nondescript instrument,
76
00:02:50,403 --> 00:02:52,743
just flapping my lips
willy nilly.
77
00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:54,169
- Tom.
- Yeah?
78
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:55,580
- I want you to listen
to what I'm saying.
79
00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:57,205
There's defining moments
in your life
80
00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:59,050
that if you listen,
it'll change your whole life.
81
00:02:59,145 --> 00:03:01,245
I played the tuba as a kid,
and look where it got me now.
82
00:03:01,347 --> 00:03:02,417
- You seem
like you're doing great.
83
00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:03,845
- I'm lonely, I'm overweight,
84
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:05,077
and I'm a light stealer.
85
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,145
I light steal.
There, I said it.
86
00:03:06,219 --> 00:03:07,489
- You steal things?
87
00:03:07,554 --> 00:03:08,824
- Not, like,
literally in my pocket,
88
00:03:08,888 --> 00:03:10,518
but I leave things
under the basket,
89
00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:12,090
I put it up against the side,
hope they don't see it.
90
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,362
- Oh.
91
00:03:13,426 --> 00:03:14,586
- Is that what
you want to turn into?
92
00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:16,104
- I mean, you're not selling me
93
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,526
on the whole lifestyle, no.
94
00:03:17,597 --> 00:03:19,367
- Just give it some thought.
That's all I ask.
95
00:03:20,099 --> 00:03:22,439
- Hey, Tom, what's up, man?
- Hey, Nelson.
96
00:03:22,535 --> 00:03:23,765
- Hey, you want
to come over later?
97
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:25,210
- Nah, I've got
a lot on my mind.
98
00:03:25,271 --> 00:03:26,771
- A lot on your mind?
You're 10!
99
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,243
These are
the glory years, baby.
100
00:03:28,341 --> 00:03:30,081
- These are the glory years?
- Yeah.
101
00:03:30,176 --> 00:03:31,606
Once we hit our teens,
we're old.
102
00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:33,211
What's up, man?
Talk to me, baby.
103
00:03:33,279 --> 00:03:34,949
- The principal says
I need to decide
104
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,518
between bassoon and baseball.
105
00:03:36,583 --> 00:03:38,853
- That's a tough decision.
- You playing baseball?
106
00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:40,048
- Hell, no.
107
00:03:40,119 --> 00:03:41,119
My dad encourages me
108
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,461
to be an owner, not a player.
109
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:43,915
- Not like a fun childhood,
but--
110
00:03:44,023 --> 00:03:45,563
- Baseball players
get way more action.
111
00:03:45,625 --> 00:03:47,025
- Who are you talking to?
Me?
112
00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:49,403
- I'm talking to everybody
within earshot.
113
00:03:49,462 --> 00:03:50,462
- What's action?
114
00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:51,533
I'm not familiar
with the phrase.
115
00:03:51,598 --> 00:03:53,268
- Tail.
- Tail?
116
00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:54,866
- Trim.
117
00:03:54,934 --> 00:03:57,474
Don't make me say pussy, guys!
There's kids on this bus.
118
00:03:57,570 --> 00:03:58,940
- Hey, whoa!
- That's the word from TV.
119
00:03:59,038 --> 00:04:00,368
- Why are
you talking about sex?
120
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:01,810
I'm not even interested
in girls yet.
121
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,378
- I'm just trying to help,
because I know
122
00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:06,083
bassoon players
are basically celibate.
123
00:04:06,145 --> 00:04:07,745
- I think
you got your facts wrong.
124
00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:09,824
- They basically live
like monks.
125
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:12,216
- Take it back.
- I'm not taking it back.
126
00:04:12,285 --> 00:04:13,945
Bassoon players,
they get nothing.
127
00:04:14,053 --> 00:04:16,323
Baseball players
are swimming in ladies.
128
00:04:16,422 --> 00:04:17,962
- Psst, Tom.
- Yeah?
129
00:04:18,057 --> 00:04:20,457
- This bus driver is literally
the coolest guy we know.
130
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,560
If he says play baseball,
you gotta play baseball.
131
00:04:22,629 --> 00:04:23,829
- You think he's cool?
132
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,060
- Hell, yeah,
I think he's cool.
133
00:04:25,131 --> 00:04:26,501
- I like this kid.
134
00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:27,999
You've got a stage whisper,
they call it.
135
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,741
- You heard all that?
- I have sharp ears.
136
00:04:29,802 --> 00:04:33,642
I am the ear equivalent
to a sharpshooter assassin.
137
00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:35,110
[crowd cheering]
138
00:04:35,174 --> 00:04:38,114
- Let's go, guys.
Jimmy, Chris, eye of the tiger!
139
00:04:38,177 --> 00:04:39,407
Stop looking like
a fool out there.
140
00:04:39,479 --> 00:04:40,849
Come on!
You're making a fool of me!
141
00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:42,177
- Hey, coach?
- Wh--Tom!
142
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,322
- Hey, coach.
- Hey, buddy.
143
00:04:43,416 --> 00:04:44,616
- Am I in the right place?
144
00:04:44,684 --> 00:04:46,294
- Tom, you are
obviously in the--Chris!
145
00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:48,522
Would you move back!
- Oh, my God.
146
00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:50,091
- You are in the right place.
You ready?
147
00:04:50,156 --> 00:04:52,356
- No, these kids seem
a little bigger than me.
148
00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:53,958
- Yes, they're a little big.
149
00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:56,157
Parents hold them back
for size advantage, it's fine.
150
00:04:56,262 --> 00:04:57,532
- The pitcher
is literally shaving.
151
00:04:57,630 --> 00:04:59,200
- I mean,
he did drive to the game,
152
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:02,099
and he's a little hairy.
- The kid looks like he's 32.
153
00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:03,938
- Tom, I need you
to get your uniform together
154
00:05:04,003 --> 00:05:05,943
and get out there.
- Oh, do people tuck it in?
155
00:05:06,005 --> 00:05:07,505
- Yes, they tuck it in.
156
00:05:07,607 --> 00:05:10,207
- I prefer to not tuck,
if that's an option.
157
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,480
- [sighs]
158
00:05:11,544 --> 00:05:12,784
- Whoo whoo!
159
00:05:12,845 --> 00:05:15,045
Come on, Tom!
You can do it, buddy!
160
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:17,978
- Oh, my God.
This old bag again?
161
00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:19,351
- I'm here supporting my son.
162
00:05:19,452 --> 00:05:21,652
- I thought
you went home and died.
163
00:05:21,721 --> 00:05:24,121
- Just ignore the lunatic
from the recital, baby.
164
00:05:24,190 --> 00:05:25,860
She is drunk on chardonnay,
165
00:05:25,958 --> 00:05:28,188
and she is begging
to get slapped.
166
00:05:28,294 --> 00:05:30,334
- Let's go, kids!
Let's go!
167
00:05:30,396 --> 00:05:32,066
Let's go, Tom.
168
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:34,970
- Strike one!
169
00:05:35,034 --> 00:05:36,704
- Whoa!
Is that--is that legal?
170
00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:38,043
- Throwing the ball?
Yes.
171
00:05:38,137 --> 00:05:39,737
- This kid's a monster.
172
00:05:40,707 --> 00:05:42,077
Whoa!
- Strike two!
173
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,735
- Oh, my God.
That could have killed me.
174
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,513
- That could have killed you.
It was pretty fast.
175
00:05:45,578 --> 00:05:47,548
- All right,
let's all slow it down,
176
00:05:47,647 --> 00:05:49,347
and uh, let's do this again.
177
00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:50,815
- Mm.
178
00:05:50,883 --> 00:05:53,223
Oh, no.
Whoops.
179
00:05:53,319 --> 00:05:54,919
- What just happened?
You okay?
180
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:56,561
- Can I have a quick word?
181
00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:58,416
- Uh, yeah, it's not like
anything important's happening.
182
00:05:58,524 --> 00:06:01,264
- It's not a big deal, but I'm
gonna need a change of pants.
183
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,831
- Okay.
184
00:06:02,895 --> 00:06:04,825
- I can't imagine you have
extra pants on you, do you?
185
00:06:04,897 --> 00:06:06,267
- What, you don't like
the pants you're wearing?
186
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,396
- I just pooped--
I just pooped my pants.
187
00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:09,701
- Oh.
188
00:06:09,769 --> 00:06:10,999
- I told you he was
pitching too fast.
189
00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:12,340
The whole thing's
very stressful.
190
00:06:12,405 --> 00:06:13,765
I'm used to more
of a bassoon atmosphere.
191
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:15,443
- Okay, listen.
This happens quite a lot.
192
00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:17,441
We have a way to handle
this kind of situation.
193
00:06:17,543 --> 00:06:18,883
- Thank you.
I appreciate that.
194
00:06:18,945 --> 00:06:20,275
- You're outta here!
- Wait, what?
195
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,680
- Player ejected!
- Stop.
196
00:06:21,748 --> 00:06:23,178
- Pooped his pants!
- He's kidding.
197
00:06:23,249 --> 00:06:25,719
- This guy right here
pooped his pants!
198
00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:27,085
- Okay, I just want
to say for the record,
199
00:06:27,186 --> 00:06:28,516
there was
some false reassurance.
200
00:06:28,588 --> 00:06:29,788
- It's in the rule book.
201
00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:31,789
- Rule number 33
- B, "No player shall defecate
202
00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:33,191
"his or her uniform
203
00:06:33,259 --> 00:06:35,189
or defecate the uniforms
of another player."
204
00:06:35,261 --> 00:06:36,901
You're outta here!
Take a seat!
205
00:06:36,963 --> 00:06:39,973
- [clapping]
You're doing great, Tom!
206
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:42,636
Don't say a word, lady.
Don't you dare say a word.
207
00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:46,409
[bell rings]
- Pooped your pants?
208
00:06:46,472 --> 00:06:48,612
Pooped your pants?
Tom, this is a disaster!
209
00:06:48,708 --> 00:06:50,208
- People noticed?
People noticed that?
210
00:06:50,276 --> 00:06:51,536
- Of course they noticed.
211
00:06:51,611 --> 00:06:53,051
It's all
everybody's talking about.
212
00:06:53,112 --> 00:06:54,282
- You know what?
I'm going to quit.
213
00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:55,750
I'm going to quit baseball.
214
00:06:55,815 --> 00:06:57,375
- You can't quit.
You gotta redeem yourself.
215
00:06:57,450 --> 00:06:59,320
Otherwise, this is how people
gonna remember you,
216
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,819
and you'll drag me down
with you.
217
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,820
- Hey, little dudes, lean in.
- Oh, God.
218
00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:04,222
- You can play baseball.
219
00:07:04,290 --> 00:07:07,160
All you need is
a little confidence boost.
220
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,160
- What?
221
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:09,901
- A little juice.
222
00:07:09,962 --> 00:07:12,062
A little Vitamin S.
223
00:07:12,131 --> 00:07:14,401
- I know we leaned in for this,
but I'm totally lost.
224
00:07:14,467 --> 00:07:16,497
- A little bit of muscle pop.
225
00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:17,942
- I think he's talking
about 'roids, Tom.
226
00:07:18,004 --> 00:07:19,174
- What, what?
227
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,612
- And I like
where this is going.
228
00:07:20,673 --> 00:07:22,073
- That's right.
- I'm not doing steroids.
229
00:07:22,141 --> 00:07:23,681
- Come on, man.
- I don't want to cheat.
230
00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:25,746
- It's not cheating
if everybody does it.
231
00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:26,782
All the pros do it.
232
00:07:26,846 --> 00:07:27,846
I bet even the managers
233
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,317
are doing it at this point.
234
00:07:29,415 --> 00:07:30,645
- It just sounds very shady.
[tires screech]
235
00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:31,920
- Tom!
236
00:07:31,984 --> 00:07:33,194
- All right,
you don't have to stop.
237
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,646
- This is
what we're going to do.
238
00:07:34,754 --> 00:07:36,164
Hide under a seat in the back.
- Okay.
239
00:07:36,255 --> 00:07:37,685
- When I drop off
that girl with the braces,
240
00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:39,360
you're free to come
out of your hiding spot.
241
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,359
We're going to drive
past the county line,
242
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,101
and we're gonna meet
my buddy Glenn.
243
00:07:43,162 --> 00:07:44,532
He's gonna give us the stuff,
244
00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:45,970
we are right as rain.
245
00:07:46,032 --> 00:07:47,532
- That goes against
so many of my mom's rules
246
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:48,943
I can't even tell you.
247
00:07:49,001 --> 00:07:50,671
- Listen,
rule number one of drug deals.
248
00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:53,440
Don't get your mom involved.
I learned that the hard way.
249
00:07:53,506 --> 00:07:56,436
[electronic music]
250
00:07:56,509 --> 00:07:58,039
- Right out of the gate,
251
00:07:58,144 --> 00:07:59,714
why does this guy
have a bag on his head?
252
00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:01,352
- I'm a future franchise owner.
253
00:08:01,447 --> 00:08:03,447
I don't support "'roids."
254
00:08:03,516 --> 00:08:04,976
- Just act cool.
255
00:08:05,051 --> 00:08:06,851
Glenn is on his way out here
with the soft pretzels.
256
00:08:06,953 --> 00:08:08,393
- Soft pretzels?
I thought we're here for drugs.
257
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:11,218
- Shh, at these things,
we use code words.
258
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,334
Soft pretzels means drugs.
259
00:08:13,392 --> 00:08:15,332
- Oh, I like that.
That sounds legit.
260
00:08:15,394 --> 00:08:17,904
- Coincidentally,
I am also treating you guys
261
00:08:17,997 --> 00:08:19,327
to soft pretzels.
262
00:08:19,398 --> 00:08:20,798
- Wait, shouldn't we pick
a different code word?
263
00:08:20,867 --> 00:08:22,237
- Well, we can't change it now.
264
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:23,665
That would make it
even more complicated.
265
00:08:23,736 --> 00:08:24,996
- This is complete chaos.
266
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:26,411
- Woot woot!
Ah, what's up, players?
267
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,966
- Please don't tell me
this is Glenn.
268
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:29,380
- King of the food court,
you know what I'm saying?
269
00:08:29,475 --> 00:08:30,405
Straight up.
270
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:31,410
- Don't have a good feeling
271
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:32,711
about this guy at all.
272
00:08:32,812 --> 00:08:34,052
- This dude's the king
of the mall.
273
00:08:34,146 --> 00:08:35,476
Bow before him.
- Hell, yeah.
274
00:08:35,548 --> 00:08:36,748
Anybody want
some soft pretzels?
275
00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:38,419
Wink wink.
- What's happening?
276
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:39,588
These are pretzels,
or these are drugs?
277
00:08:39,685 --> 00:08:40,645
I'm not following.
278
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:41,750
- It's the juice to get loose
279
00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:42,924
on the diamond, dog.
280
00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:44,592
- Juice?
Is that an expression or--
281
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:46,360
- It'll make you hard
as a diamond on the diamond.
282
00:08:46,425 --> 00:08:47,925
You know what I'm saying?
- I'm not tracking any of this.
283
00:08:48,027 --> 00:08:49,527
- Conseco-style, dog.
- Conseco?
284
00:08:49,595 --> 00:08:51,095
- There's going to be so
many girls at the ballpark,
285
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:52,667
dog, they're going to
have to call a rain delay
286
00:08:52,732 --> 00:08:53,872
because it's going to
get so wet in there.
287
00:08:53,933 --> 00:08:55,103
Straight up.
288
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:56,601
- What the hell's happening,
Tom?
289
00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:58,072
It's hard to track
the story from under here.
290
00:08:58,170 --> 00:08:59,670
- Okay, just act natural
as I discreetly
291
00:08:59,739 --> 00:09:01,669
stuff the junk
into Tom's backpack.
292
00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:03,041
Glenn, cover me.
293
00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:05,609
- I got your six, player.
Eyes and ears in motion.
294
00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:08,611
- What kind of cheap-ass
backpack is this, Tom?
295
00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:10,054
- It was a gift
from my grandmother.
296
00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:11,416
It's not high quality.
297
00:09:11,517 --> 00:09:13,047
- Man, your bag
smells like Sun Chips.
298
00:09:13,119 --> 00:09:14,449
- This drug deal
is off the rails.
299
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,424
- Oh, look!
It's Tom, from band!
300
00:09:16,522 --> 00:09:19,232
- Oh, no.
- What's going on here, Tom?
301
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,032
- I'm just hanging out
here with my friends.
302
00:09:21,093 --> 00:09:22,403
This is,
uh, my buddy, the bus driver.
303
00:09:22,461 --> 00:09:23,801
- Hi, how you doing?
304
00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:25,566
- And this is Nelson.
- Nice to meet you.
305
00:09:25,631 --> 00:09:26,931
- And I believe
this guy's name is Glenn.
306
00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:28,303
- Hooking my boy up
with some snacks,
307
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:29,971
not leaving tracks,
straight up.
308
00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:32,409
- This is why I don't
like you talking to him.
309
00:09:32,471 --> 00:09:34,811
It's this kind of stuff,
right here.
310
00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:36,307
- I'm watching you, Tom,
311
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,779
and wherever you go,
someone will be watching.
312
00:09:38,878 --> 00:09:39,978
- Okay.
313
00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:41,249
- Guess who's
gonna be watching?
314
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:42,824
- Got to assume
it's you, right?
315
00:09:42,915 --> 00:09:44,645
- Don't talk back to me.
316
00:09:46,986 --> 00:09:48,646
- Oh, yeah.
317
00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:50,494
That is how you swing a bat.
318
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:51,990
- Tom.
- Hey, coach.
319
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:53,591
- Look at you.
You are amped for this game.
320
00:09:53,659 --> 00:09:55,289
- Feeling confident,
feeling loose.
321
00:09:55,394 --> 00:09:57,964
- Tom, look at me right now.
I can't put you in.
322
00:09:58,064 --> 00:09:59,504
- Oh, no.
I have to play.
323
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,969
- You didn't have what
we'd call a "strong debut."
324
00:10:02,068 --> 00:10:03,098
- Oh, no.
Come on.
325
00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:04,339
I'm a new man.
Look at my body.
326
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,467
- Listen, you can't.
327
00:10:05,571 --> 00:10:06,841
- Coach,
you gotta let me play
328
00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:08,339
or I'm gonna slap you
in your face.
329
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:09,741
I'm gonna slap you right now.
- I'm sorry.
330
00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:10,909
- I say the kid plays.
331
00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:12,647
- Who--
Okay, who are you?
332
00:10:12,745 --> 00:10:14,675
- Hi, I'm Nelson, new owner.
333
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:17,350
- This is adorable, but
you can't "own" one of these.
334
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:20,020
This is more of like a--
it's like a sponsorship.
335
00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:21,589
- My name's on the shirt.
Look down.
336
00:10:21,654 --> 00:10:24,194
Now look up.
Let's not get into semantics.
337
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:25,860
Suit up, baby.
You're going in.
338
00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:26,858
- Thank you.
339
00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:28,259
- So you just--
340
00:10:28,327 --> 00:10:29,997
you're just going to
listen to him like that?
341
00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:31,926
- It seems like he's the owner,
from what I'm being told.
342
00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:33,428
[light applause]
343
00:10:33,499 --> 00:10:35,029
- All right, here we go.
344
00:10:36,535 --> 00:10:38,295
- Strike one
for the pants pooper!
345
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:39,641
- You don't have to
keep bringing that up.
346
00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:41,035
We've all moved on.
347
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:43,010
- The memory still lingers.
- All right.
348
00:10:43,843 --> 00:10:47,183
- Strike two,
for Shitty Shitty Pants Pants.
349
00:10:47,279 --> 00:10:48,979
- That's crossing the line.
- What would you prefer?
350
00:10:49,048 --> 00:10:50,548
- I know it got a laugh,
but it's crossing the line.
351
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,050
- Look.
I apologize.
352
00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:53,351
- All right, here we go.
353
00:10:53,452 --> 00:10:55,222
Come on, Tom.
You can do this.
354
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:58,561
We are all juiced up
and ready for action.
355
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:01,560
[bat cracks]
356
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,631
[dramatic music]
357
00:11:04,697 --> 00:11:09,197
♪ ♪
358
00:11:09,301 --> 00:11:10,801
[car alarm blares]
359
00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:13,170
- And that one is out of here!
[cheers and applause]
360
00:11:13,239 --> 00:11:15,569
- Oh, I'm on top of the world.
What a day.
361
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,575
Best day of my life.
Thanks, Ma.
362
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,077
- I'm proud of you, buddy!
363
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:20,748
- Thank you.
Thank you, everyone.
364
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:22,076
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
365
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:23,651
Whoa, whoa.
Stop clapping.
366
00:11:23,716 --> 00:11:24,876
And put him down.
367
00:11:26,152 --> 00:11:29,592
Does no one else find it
suspicious that this kid
368
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:32,259
with this body
just hit a home run?
369
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:35,588
I want him tested for
performance-enhancing drugs,
370
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,755
right now.
- What?
371
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,603
- Wait, what?
both: Drugs?
372
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:43,439
- Are you out of your mind?
My Tom's a great kid.
373
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,336
- Oh, if he's such a great kid,
374
00:11:45,404 --> 00:11:48,214
let's see him whip out his dong
and give us a urine sample.
375
00:11:48,274 --> 00:11:50,044
- Can you say dong
at a little league game?
376
00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:51,739
I wasn't aware
you can say that.
377
00:11:51,844 --> 00:11:53,614
- [clears throat]
- [coughs]
378
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,553
- Come on, Tom, whip it out.
379
00:11:55,614 --> 00:11:56,924
- You know what?
380
00:11:57,016 --> 00:11:58,776
I don't think this
is going to go away.
381
00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:00,524
I, uh, I've got
a confession to make.
382
00:12:00,586 --> 00:12:03,456
I did drugs.
I'm all jacked up on 'roids.
383
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:06,786
- I knew it!
- Tom, no!
384
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,862
- That's why I look
so freakishly muscular.
385
00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:11,398
- Um, those weren't drugs, Tom.
386
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:12,774
- Where did you come from?
387
00:12:12,865 --> 00:12:14,425
- They were
mint flavored Mentos.
388
00:12:14,533 --> 00:12:17,303
- Oh, those are my favorite.
- Yes, they're delicious.
389
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:20,613
They're not quite candy,
and they're not quite mints.
390
00:12:20,706 --> 00:12:22,136
- No, if they weren't drugs,
391
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:23,781
why would I shove them
up my butt every six hours?
392
00:12:23,876 --> 00:12:26,246
- I don't know
who told you that, Tom.
393
00:12:26,312 --> 00:12:27,812
All I know is,
394
00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,883
I saw a child
who was struggling
395
00:12:29,949 --> 00:12:31,479
and needed a confidence boost.
So...
396
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:32,894
- What's happening?
397
00:12:32,952 --> 00:12:34,992
- I let him believe the drugs
were real,
398
00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:36,987
but it was really you
all along.
399
00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:39,889
You had the power inside you.
400
00:12:39,959 --> 00:12:41,829
all: Aw.
401
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:43,427
- Aww?
Don't say "aww".
402
00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:45,296
This maniac staged
a fake drug deal!
403
00:12:45,397 --> 00:12:47,827
- Yeah, but Tom, his heart
was in the right place.
404
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:51,273
- What a great guy.
- Seriously, what a hero!
405
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:53,167
- Free drinks
for the bus driver on me!
406
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:54,742
Let's do it!
Woot woot!
407
00:12:54,807 --> 00:12:56,237
crowd: Yeah!
408
00:12:56,308 --> 00:12:58,138
- You're carrying him away?
409
00:12:58,244 --> 00:13:00,754
- I'm tearing up right now.
410
00:13:00,813 --> 00:13:02,853
- That feels like a bit much.
411
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:05,278
- This was a terrible
season opener for the Nelsons.
412
00:13:05,351 --> 00:13:07,191
Man, this is a bad investment.
413
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:10,256
[rock music]
414
00:13:10,306 --> 00:13:14,856
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