All language subtitles for The Premise s01e03 The Ballad of Jesse Wheeler.eng

I'm B. J. Novak.

Movies are too long.

TV shows are even longer.

You hear about a new
show, it turns out you're

400 episodes behind
everybody else.

I would never do that to you.

[music]

This next story takes us to
Victory High, where pop star

Jesse Wheeler returns
and makes a promise

that will change
some young lives.

I hope you enjoy "The
Ballad of Jesse Wheeler."

[music]

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[music playing]

[car siren sound]

PRINCIPAL WALLACE:
Is that him?

WOMAN: Yeah.

PRINCIPAL WALLACE: Oh
my God. "The Wheels!"

Jesse Wheeler.

Don't worry about that
machine, come on through

That thing is basically
there for show anyways dude.

Oh my God.

The prodigal song is here.

The pride of Victory High and

the biggest pop
star on the planet.

All for love.

WALLACE: Oh my God.

I'm Cooper, Jesse's manager.

This is my assistant, Kailey.

Fred over there is
shooting for CNN Heroes.

Jesse I want you to meet
our Phi Beta Kappa club.

That's a GPA of over 3.0.

That's a B.

This is Susie Xu and
that's Susie's friend.

Susie was allowed
to bring a friend.

[music]

[audience chatter]

Look who came to school.

I come to school sometimes.

Sometimes, yeah--

[applause]

Ok, ok, alright y�all.

[crowd booing]

Thank you for that
wonderful reception.

Uh...

STUDENT: You suck, Wallace.

Are you ready for "The Wheels?"

[applause]

Jesse--

Jesse--

Jesse Wheeler!

[audience applauding]

"The Wheels."

[applause]

Thank you.

[band music playing]

Thank you.

Wow.

From the bottom of my heart,

it feels unbelievable to be
back here at Victory High.

[applause]

Man, it's a humbling
feeling being here.

Actually, it's not
a humbling feeling.

You're not making
me feel humble,

you're making me
feel incredible.

[applause]

Seriously?

Yeah, so--

I'm here today because
I've decided to donate

a million dollars
to Victory High

to build a new library.

[audience member coughing]

But that's not all.

To one hard-working student--

What do you call the student
at the end of the year who ah--

uh, has the best grade?

You call them a name?

It's not a mean name.

Valedictorian.

JESSE: Valedictorian.

So, to whoever is
the valedictorian,

you win an all-expense
paid trip--

to my next concert in
Los Angeles, California.

WOMAN: Yes!

[applause]

And then, we'll go backstage
and chill together.

[applause]

And then,

I will personally give you a
tour of the Wheeler mansion

STUDENT: Awoo!

Up at the top of
the Hollywood Hills.

WOMAN: ALRIGHT!

[applause]

Yes.

WOMAN: YES!

And then,

if you want,

I'll fuck you.

[sound effect]

[music]

[crowd cheering]

[student chatter]

He can't offer sex as a prize.

I got to go study.

We got to walk back what
you said back there.

Oh, about the donation?

Right, yeah, that didn't
get that much love.

No, about fucking
a student, Jesse.

Are you being for
real right now?

That's the part that they liked.

What did you always tell
me that my gift was?

I hear things other
people can't hear.

I hear energy.

I hear feelings.

I hear vibrations and
I put that into music.

That was the sound of
the school coming alive.

What if the winner
is underage, Jesse?

Then it's after they turn 18.

What if the winner's a dude?

I'd really like to give
this opportunity to a woman.

Can we clarify that it's
like, a woman's scholarship?

Nope.

Fine.

Yeah.

Here's our website and
if you scroll down,

you'll see the message board

where the student messages are.

Okay. Mm-hmm.

What�s an "ussy?"

"U-S-S-Y."

Ussy, is that like a selfie
with a bunch of people?

Read the sentence.

It says, "I'm going
to win the contest,

then I'm going to make him
lick my ussy real good."

Ussy, what's "ussy?"

I think that's maybe a typo.

They forgot a P.

No.

This is not good.

[phone rings]

Ah, superintendent.

PHONE: Wallace, what the hell
just happened in your school?

This is a religious school
board, you understand?

Man, you know these
kids, it was a goof.

PHONE: You better hope it was.

PHONE: If this contest
becomes a big deal,

They won't.

PHONE: you'll be
fired before you can

- cash that first pension
check. - Superintendent--

I already know
who's going to win.

She's not going be a problem.

Ain't nobody bonking nobody.

WOMAN: Study with us.

WOMAN: Fuck "The Wheels."

SUSIE: Ma--

WOMAN: Study with us.

[foreign language]

Study with us.

Fuck "The Wheels."

[foreign language]

Mom, they don't say
that to people here.

I just think it would be
such a statement if I won.

Oh, is that why you want to win?

People think you're
a transfer student.

[music playing]

You haven't even been to
school since you were like 13.

What do you care?

CALEB: What do you not care?

That's not a phrase.

Then why did it hurt?

CALEB: I'm going to win,
and I'm going to film it.

[music]

CALEB: Bye.

[airplane sound]

[music playing]

I don't see how it's
all that different

from the standard
meet and greet stuff.

Like a selfie or a hug.

Jesse the difference
is you offered sex.

Exactly, when is the last time

that sex actually
mattered to people?

People have sex for dumb
ass reasons all the time.

That's true.

You included?

COOPER: Oh yeah.

Why can't I do it one time,

to change people's lives?

Look, people are going to say--

I don't listen to
people, I listen to God.

[music]

Revolutions create
by destroying,

[music playing]

and destroy by creating.

Who is this guy? He's awesome.

Mr. Holmes?

Ah...

So, you two love birds get that?

Sorry, sorry.

[piano music playing]

[indistinct dialogue]

JESSE: Listen, pastor.

The voice I'm hearing is not
telling me what other people

tell me it should be saying.

For sure.

I hear that.

Can you hit me with
one of those parables?

For sure.

There was this village...

years ago.

And in this village,
there lived a chemist.

Every day the chemist, he
would wander the fields,

picking flowers for his potions.

One day, he picked
this beautiful poppy,

and he crushed it up and
put into one of his potions.

And do you know what
poppies turn into?

Poppy juice?

Also known as opium.

Now, the chemist, he put some
of it on his lips to taste it.

He felt totally amazing--

and he rushes back
to the village

completely overcome with joy,

and he asks this woman
if he can kiss her.

And then she too felt the surge.

First on her lips, and
then all through her body.

Fire.

[laughs]

Now hand in hand, they lept
together through the village

back to the chemist's house

where they laughed
and they danced.

Do you know what the
chemist did then?

He put it on his dick.

That's exactly what he did.

PASTOR: He put it on his dick.

[music playing]

PASTOR: Word spread through
the village and the chemist,

PASTOR: you know,
all of a sudden,

PASTOR: he's got all
these women lining up

PASTOR: to lay with him.

JESSE: Woof. That's a top story.

PASTOR: It's not over.

JESSE: Fire.

PASTOR: Some people,
they questioned

PASTOR: if it was fair
that the chemist had

PASTOR: this opium dick.

PASTOR: Did the women
want him or his opium?

[exhales]

It's all him because
he made the opium.

Your talent Jesse...

your fame,

the light music that
shines through you.

That's my opium dick.

PASTOR: And opium is powerful.

You know, some say that opium
is a religion of the masses.

But even when it's your opium,

it's still not
totally yours, is it?

It's God's.

[exhales]

WOMAN: Welcome.

I see a lot of new faces here
at the end of the semester,

which is great.

For those of you just joining
us, this is values and ethics.

Tell us what's on the test.

TEACHER: It's not really
about tests in here.

Hi, uh, I'm Abbi--

Um, haven't been to
school in a while,

but eager to engage
in ethics and values.

Welcome, Abbi.

STUDENT: Who's this bitch?

There's a more fundamental
issue at play here.

The central challenge is that
you're teaching a curriculum

that centers on a tradition
formed by thousands of years

of religious worship, but
you're teaching it in an era

where we worship celebrity.

Oh, I like this, is
everyone listening to Abbi?

And, celebrity
worship is better.

ABBI: It's an evolution.

Okay, let's put a
pin in evolution.

Pop culture is a religion,
it has its own deities,

hymns, rituals,

mythologies, except it's not
based on make-believe and

it hasn't started any wars.

By definition, popular culture
means that the common populace

gets to play a part in defining
it and changing it in real-time.

Except that democratization
doesn't mean it's superior.

It can just be a
shallow reflection

of those same unjust structures.

Case in point, a
white savior figure

coming into a majority-minority

school and making a promise in
which the prize itself escalates

a value system that places
himself firmly at the top

of the social hierarchy.

Okay, let's move back
towards ethics and values.

I'm sorry, does social justice not
count under ethics & values?

Oh, no, no, that's
not what I meant.

It's not a rhetorical question.

It's about whether you
see ethics and values

through a societal lens

or an individualistic one.

Both valid but extremely
different points of view.

And, I'll connect them for him.

Every day around the
world as a maladaptation

of late-stage capitalism,
countless sex workers survive

by economizing their sexual
value through the enjoyment

of the rich and powerful.

Today, notably, we see a person
who is powerful and privileged

acknowledge his
body as something

of sexual value to others.

He offers this of his own free
will as a systemic incentive

for the collective benefit
of the disenfranchised.

In that way, it's an
act of social justice

with repercussions
far beyond school.

As a step towards
destigmatizing sex work,

revolutionizing the lives
of millions of people

and treating the
aesthetic appeal

of status as a
collective resource

belonging to the
people who created it.

[music]

This is some bullshit.

I'm going to lose my patience.

These fucking kids are reading.

Stop reading!

Get on TikTok,

Get your phones out right now.

Susie Xu...

my favorite student.

Listen up.

All our interests are aligned.

The religious school board
has been on my ass every day

about this contest.

Now, all you got to do
is ace that history fair.

Become valedictorian.

Give a nice, normal speech,

just a regular speech and
then we're going to move on.

I've been thinking.

Well, thinking is good.

What is any of this for?

No, not that kind of thinking.

Am I doing everything
for other people?

Hell yeah.

You're doing it for the school.

You're doing it for
uh, your parents,

job market, the community.

Yeah, but do I want what I want

because other people
tell me I want it?

And why do they want
what they want for me?

Someone else must
have made them want.

Right?

I mean, where does it stop?

How does it stop?

Who decides to stop it?

Why did Jesse Wheeler
make that promise?

I don't know, just
to fuck up my life.

Do me a favor.

Just ace the history fair, okay?

Get into college.

Smoking doobie in
your dorm room,

then you ask the
wacky questions.

He's the biggest pop
star on the planet.

Who's next for Jesse Wheeler?

Our hush hush inside sources at
Victory High tell us the contest

for valedictorian
is down to three.

Susie Xu, reigning
Phi Beta Kappa.

Abbi Miller, who apparently
was one day shy of expulsion

for non-attendance,

or Caleb Rose.

You know who I'm rooting for.

Listen, let's just apologize
and cut our losses.

I can't.

Why not?

Because I don't think
I did anything wrong.

That's not how
apologies work anymore.

Alright, it's hard--

to get to number one.

It's even harder
to stay number one.

I'm not number one because I
work so hard to be number one.

I'm number one, because I
work so hard to be myself.

Listen to me.

This thing that we built,

we built it together.

And if this comes down,

it comes down on all of us.

All right.

Let me talk to God real quick.

You haven't done that yet?

No, just Pastor Jack.

Please talk to God.

Talk to God.

Alright.

JESSE: Mm-hmm

Yeah man.

Mmm

God says to ask you
about an $800,000 check

from the Dubai gig.

[silence]

That came in today.

Let him know we're
processing it.

Okay.

And so, this crazy competish--

all comes down to
the history fair.

We are live with the man who
decides it all, Mr. Holmes.

So, what can we
expect at the fair?

It's anybody's guess Andy.

History is wild--

beheadings, gladiators,
concubines, sick stuff.

So, do you find it
surprising that students are

actually interested in history?

It's surprising
they weren't before.

[laughs]

TV: Skipping to the fun part,

who do you think is
going to spend the night

with "The Wheels?"

TV: Who's going to
get a prize Andy huh?

The prize is that for
a few short years,

their only task is to hear the
most brain-meltingly twisted,

true stories of the
planet they're born on.

Said they treat school
as nothing more.

The preparation for lives
so boring and meaningless

that they actually look forward
to watching your stupid show.

Now, that actually
hurt my feelings.

[music]

Mm-hmm

[crowd chatter]

What's this?

America.

America?

America?

Yup.

Where are the witches?

Hmm?

The witch trials.

Where are the witches?

Trail of tears?

Genocide of a
continent, slavery,

the adulation of slavery...

telephone, electricity.

Rocket ships, war...

Elvis Pressley dead on a toilet!

Oh God, this is the most
pathetic project I've ever seen.

B minus baby.

Whoo.

The story of the world is
that chains of oppression,

morph into chain
links of progress.

Everyone who has been
disconnected from society and

systems of power, has rebelled,
intersectional progress.

This guy is unbelievable.

Keep it up.

He got an A plus.

[applause]

Thank you, sir.

Well, who are you?

I'm Abbi.

Abbi, yeah.

Here you go.

You've made your wands?

Yes, those are your magic wands.

MR. HOLMES: Oh really,
yeah. That better fit.

You're going to use them
when I put this on you.

Oh!

Ohhh.

[music playing]

Oh my God.

The fundamental scandal of
every institution is to pretend

it is built out of the very
force capable of destroying it.

Government claims community,

Religion claims
spiritual wonder,

and history, the running
record of rebellion

against every concept and
system, is claimed by school.

School hides the world's most
dangerous ideas in plain sight

by using them to bore
the shit out of people.

Until potential rebels to
the system reject the tools

that could take it down.

MR. HOLMES: Oh my God.

Which is why sex--

the force most capable of
inspiring both infinite

selfishness and infinite bonding
is appropriated by all systems

of power and must be liberated.

If you want to
matter to history,

you must be as disloyal to its
structures as you are loyal

to its spirit.

The world is
watching, Mr. Holmes.

Do you belong to
history�s buildings,

or the people who blow them up?

[explosion]

TV: Jesse Wheeler.

[applause]

[music]

[camera clicks]

- Okay, thanks. - Thank you.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey, I'm Jesse.

Hi, I'm Abbi.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Thanks for doing that
contest, it's really cool.

Yeah, that was no problem.

Um...

You know, education
is important.

Uh...

I am grateful to know you.

It's good to be here.

- Yeah. - Awesome.

Cool, well if you
want, you can just--

wait in there for a sec--

Okay, cool.

[crosstalk]

Peace.

Hey, you want a photo?

So, this is my home.

I've lived here for,
I guess like a year.

Still kinda new.

Oh my God.

It's a bit
overwhelming at first,

but people tell me I'm
going to grow into it.

Wow.

This is my favorite room in the
house is where I come to read.

These are my yellow books.
These are my red books.

These are my purple books,

my green books and...

of course, you
know, my blue books.

Yeah, I love reading.

What's it like being smart?

Being the valedictorian?

Uh...

JESSE: Um...

Sometimes, I wonder what my
life would have been like

if I had stayed in school,

how smart I'd be.

Things like that.

You're not really
missing anything.

Hmm, you don't
care about school?

I mean, I loved it
when I was little.

Then what happened?

I read all the
books they assigned.

And if you really read them,

they're just
saying, fuck school.

[laughs]

Right. Wait, really?

Yeah, fuck school and--

everything like school.

Like with the F word.

In spirit, yeah.

Huh.

You want to read right now?

No, I'm cool with just
hanging out with you.

Cool. I'm cool with that.

ABBI: Yeah.

I'm comf-- I'm cool either way.

What's it like being famous?

And then coming back like that?

It was wild.

Because when I was up there,

I remembered all of the people

who were mean to me.

And who made me feel
small and stupid.

And how badly they
made me want it.

To make it.

And then to come back and just
give them two middle fingers,

you know?

[laughter]

Why didn't you do that?

Because I wasn't
the same person.

I wish I were so I could have.

[laughter]

I just spoke from the heart.

That's all.

Maybe that's a bigger two
middle fingers in a way.

Hmm.

[water drop sound]

So...

You don't like school,

and you don't know my music,

why did you become
valedictorian?

Uh...

[laughs]

[music in the background]

Wait--

that's me with you?

I've never seen
this photo before.

How is that possible?

I know it's just,
it's just mine.

They used to print pictures,

and there were only
like one or two.

So, that day my--

that day my parent's gave
us money to go to McCool's.

We were walking through
Victory Park and people were

sledding and--

we didn't have sleds.

So, you...

[giggles]

you took a garbage bag
out of the garbage can and

shook all the garbage out of it.

Really?

Yeah, it was the--

it was the coolest
thing I'd ever seen.

You just--

always had this faith

in whatever you were feeling

that it is worth doing

[giggling]

or saying.

[laughing]

I don't know what--

I don't know what to
do with this feeling.

Should we make it
into a music video?

No.

No, it's just--

No, it's just for us.

That was the best
day of my life.

Better than today?

Yeah.

[music playing]

Hmm.

[music]

So, what do you want to do now?

[applause]

And now, some words of wisdom
from our valedictorian,

Um, can I uh...

Let me get the check
first, then the speech.

Hmm?

Our valedictorian, Abbi Miller!

[applause]

Congratulations.

I fucked him.

Woo!

[crowd cheering]

[music playing]

My check!

Wooo!

[indistiguishable screams]

[music continues playing]

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