All language subtitles for Sono io il mio nemico piu grande (I.Am.My.Own.Worst.Enemy).2016.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].english

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I AM MY OWN
WORST ENEMY

Do you think it was the right thing
to do, not to look at any pictures?

Honestly, how do you expect
the place to be?

And where do I go from here?
Towards Vibo Valentia or Tropea?

Holy fucking shit!

- Where do I go?
- Tropea.

Vibo Valentia or Tropea, see?

Where do we have to go?
Do we go here? Do we go there?

- Well, the blue one.
- Vibo Valentia?

Ok. Let's go to Vibo Valentia.

- Imagine making them all go around
in skate rollers, like... - Awesome.

Just like in the movies, right?

- Women who like skates and...
- Yeah sure, Pulp Fiction.

Seriously now. It's a tad dangerous
filming it with a videocamera.

They'll think
you're one young bearded hipster

reporting a story to broadcast.

No?

They'll think we came
to prepare a scoop, or something...

Then stick your neck out.

- Open the car roof.
- No, I'm falling asleep.

Vibo Valentia.

Who do you think is the most
important person from Vibo Valentia?

- Some...
- Sailor?

It'll be someone
from the "Resurgence" period.

- You think? - Well,
there must be someone, for sure.

- Pretty ugly, ah.
- Vibo?

Holy mother! Look at this stuff.
It's disgusting.

- I think, it's close to
Staggia Senese. - Yes, outstanding.

There's a bit of Foligno there,
and a bit of Staggia Senese.

- I've never been to Foligno.
- Neither have I.

I am your typical resort entertainer.
Well, not that typical.

Depends... there is typical
and there is good.

The good entertainer is a shy person

but who likes to be
the centre of attention.

Humble. He has to be humble.

Well, practically
I'm describing myself.

But I think that the stereotypical
entertainer is someone...

Many years ago an entertainer
was someone really cool,

who very much liked
to be around people

and would do it, not just
for the sex promises it entailed,

but because he also liked
to be around people.

Thus, naturally
he was a very extroverted person.

"The great one, the one and only."
In brackets, he was a leader.

People who were leaders
in their small groups.

Who would say,
"See you all at the bar."

And everyone went out to the bar.
Clear?

I'm Amedeo, from Messina.
I'm 20 years-old.

I'm Mattia Miceli.

The son of the owners
of the Roller Club resort.

The resort where Cipo
has worked for the past 8 years.

We are both passionate about football

and after so many summers
spent together,

nowadays we've become friends.

I'm a dancer. I graduated
two years ago in modern dance

and in a short while,
I'll also have mastered hip-hop.

I'm Paolo, a musician. I'm 52
years-old, and here, I play and sing.

I'm Massimiliano and I've been here
for 4 or 5 years.

I've been a resort entertainer
for the past 6 years.

My hair, well, how can I say it?
It's what I love most about myself.

Our Mr. Cipo warned me
as soon as I arrived,

"Your hairstyle is unacceptable here
in this resort."

Obviously, because, according to him
you need an apt hairdo

for the services we are providing.

We cannot sport...
what do they call it? "A comb-over",

like my hair is. See? Short at the
sides back and long at the front.

Hello everyone, my name is Giuseppe,

I'm the Roller Club resort masseur.

I'm the masseur,
but also the personal trainer.

My name is Alice,
I'll be 19 years-old soon,

on the 21st of August.

I'm studying to become
an advertising graphic designer

and I've just begun this experience
as a resort entertainer.

Sabrina.

I'm Sabrina, what else should
I tell you? I'm Cipo's girlfriend.

My name is Cristiano Chiossi
and I come from Ascoli Piceno.

In the past years the real definition
of the job has lost its meaning,

and now the entertainer can be
sometimes be seen as a loser.

The entertainer is also someone,
who is sent by the psychologist

in order to do this job
to unblock himself.

Unbraiding the horses' mane

and your elegant legs.

Dance for me, dance, dance.
Beautiful on this night,

don't stop, just dance.

It's like saying,

C'mon now, try and be an entertainer
and you'll be less shy.

Or, hopefully, you'll be better
able to relate to a job interview

or other people. Which, is also true.

That's why in the last 2-3 years

we've worked with so many people
who feel alone.

"I would like to apologize,
if in bed with you,

I've also been romantic at times.

I always thought love would triumph
over any obstacle".

Ok now, stop. No more. Cipo is here.

They meet me, a new friend,
then another one and so on

and as soon as the season is over,
they'll all move to Rome.

This is what I was telling you
before.

They'll move to Rome
because the agency is based there.

Rome hosts most of our entertainers.

I've seen it many times before. You
stop having the same friends you had,

let's say, in a small shitty village
in the middle of Italy,

or even Florence,

but you've befriended
an entertainer...

anyway, I don't know
how to explain it to you.

For example, when I go to Rome
there is always some entertainer

who left after one season
but still moved there.

Moved next to his new best friends,

but it's people he's known
for just one year.

Just maybe, because back home, he
didn't have any friends. Understood?

The stars and sunrise
will never end.

Give me the life,
give me the love...

I got them on my back as well,
for Christ's sake!

This is what happens today
at the resort.

As always, the afternoon
is dedicated to all activities.

Mini Club, canoeing,
windsurfing, and archery.

A mixture of sedentary games
and sporting ones.

Then, at 6 p.m. we all meet back here
at the theatre for some group dancing

and soon followed by bachata
or Caribbean dance lessons,

in order to prepare for,
like in tonight's case,

a classical cabaret routine.
Classical cabaret means

to organize a series
of classical cabaret routines.

We will perform the whole
repertoire of classical cabaret,

and hopefully the guests
will appreciate our efforts,

especially since they're the ones who
have requested some of the routines,

so we're more than happy to make
them smile and do it with gusto.

This was in the afternoon
and for our evening,

it will come to a close
at the bar with a karaoke.

So after the cabaret
there's karaoke at the bar,

and all of the guests who want
to sing, can come there and do so.

And that's our work day.

But we'll start rehearsing until
three or four a.m.

with a first rehearsal
and a dressed one.

In the first, you act and dance,
but you are allowed to pause,

in order to correct something.

The dressed rehearsal, though is
a true rendition of the final show.

Complete with costumes,
acted parts and dancing routines.

Hopefully everything will run smooth,
and we won't be late.

Thank you and see you later, guys.
Do you need to tell me anything?

The stand-up comedian Giobbe Covatta
used to work at my resort.

So did the comic trio
Aldo, Giovanni and Giacomo.

Pregadio worked there also.

No, it was Laudadio.
Pregadio is the musician.

Laudadio, a "Striscia la notizia"
reporter.

There's been a few.
Forrest, the magician to name one.

The story tells of a head
entertainer named Giobbe Covatta,

who hired both Forrest,
the magician

and Aldo, Giovanni and Giacomo
at the Mini Club.

But I think it shouldn't be...

Luckily, thanks to this job

which is also about acting,
I've felt my dream train leaving

and if you're not at the station,

you're likely to loose
that train forever.

Obviously, at 19 years-old you begin
to study and study some more...

But after? Either you are really
good, and still you are one of many

or you end up studying for years
without accomplishing anything.

- Oh, Daddy!
- Oh, my sweet little camel.

Certainly as sweet little camels go,
we're all pretty ugly, ah?

- Oh, my son...
- I lost a hoof!

Why do you say this?

Because, look at how ugly
these big hoofs are, see?

They look like a pair of Crocs.
Horrible!

- You're a big dawg, aren't you?
- A big dawg?

You're a big dawg. You should know
that when we are in the desert,

it's these hoofs that save our
lives, because we use them to walk.

- Other animals, they die.
- Really?

- Of course. - It's true
that with these big hoofs

it seems impossible to collapse.

Oh, Daddy!

Certainly as sweet little camels go,
we're all pretty ugly, ah?

- Of course not!
- What do you mean? Of course not?

We have these huge whiskers...
Look how ugly they are.

You must be really crazy. You should
know that when we are in the desert,

it's these huge whiskers,
that allow us to breathe.

Other animals die,
have you understood?

- When we're... - In the desert,
we breathe with our whiskers.

Sure...

Daddy!

Certainly as sweet little camels go,
we're all pretty ugly, ah?

- But, why?
- What about these hunches?

- These hunches?
- Look at this one...

You should know,
that when we are in the desert,

in these hunches we have stored
lots of water. Understood?

We have our water reserves and we can
drink it to eliminate our thirst.

- Other animals, they die. - It's
a pretty shitty existence, daddy.

All right. I've understood.
But, sorry, Daddy, wait...

I understand about the hoofs,

because when we're in the desert, and
the other animals are collapsing,

because of the quicksand... yet
nothing happens to us. We don't die.

I've understood about the whiskers,
because when we're in the desert

and the sand storms hit hard
other animals will die. We won't.

I've understood that thanks to our
hunches, when we are in the desert,

we'll survive because there is water
in them. When we are in the desert.

But then Daddy, explain to me, what
are we doing at a zoo in Pistoia?

The applause is like
the cherry on the cake.

Clearly though, the pleasure
is all in the preparation,

even if I don't take part in the
rehearsal because it's too tiring.

But it's a beautiful moment created
by the adrenaline rush.

So, "5 minutes to curtain draw",
right?

Oh, 5 minutes start, bum,
cabaret, bum, let's go!

Yes, let's go!

C'mon!

Go, boys go.

Fuck, c'mon, guys.
C'mon!

What time is it?

Go, Sabri, go.

Are we all here?

The CD is on a loop.

Take care, it's the first show.

Let's have fun out there,
smile, etcetera etcetera.

Understood? Don't be paranoid, keep
smiling and keep moving forward.

We're the best of the lot.
C'mon then and good luck everybody!

Rightly so, Giovanni,
the first time he saw

Federica on stage out there
he shouted, "What's going on here?"

Sabrina, please.

Let it go. They know what to do.
You are beautiful and free.

It's all beautiful, from the
adrenaline rush of the rehearsal

to the moment you are on stage
and maybe you are even funny.

It's the applause,
the laughter, being on stage,

everyone is there to see you perform.
Beautiful things.

This might sound like bullshit,
but the next day

everyone congratulates you
for what you've done.

And kids pull faces and imitate you.

Did you see that act I showed you,
the one with the parrot? "Who is it?"

The next day,
all the kids repeating, "Who is it?"

- Who is it?
- Madame, it's the plumber.

- Who is it?
- Still me, Madame, the plumber.

- Who is it?
- The plumber!

- Who is it? - Madame,
it's the plumber, please open.

- Who is it?
- The plumber!

- Who is it?
- The plumber!

- Who is it?
- The plumber, Madame!

- Who is it?
- The plumber!

- Who is it?
- The plumber!

Oh, my God, who is this now?

The plumber!

Do you feel, like, a VIP?

Less, much more less than a VIP,

you're more of a VIP
inside the resort,

but at the end of the day
nobody recognizes you.

See, I've always felt like this.
At my local pub, everyone tells me,

"You are a real character,
aren't you?..." Understood?

It's a personal satisfaction of mine.
Ok. Thank you. I like it.

But it's also true that I've never
utilized it in my own favor.

No! Top man!

Did you see that?
Did you see that?

We're here at
the Intercontinental Cup.

The teams are about to arrive,
they're about to enter.

- Just watch, watch.
- What do you mean, watch?

- Are you an AC Milan fan
by any chance? - Yes, of course.

Someone told me that
I would only find my kind here.

No. I'm from Milan.
From my head down to my little toe.

Shit! For real?

Ok, shut up. Shut up.
Watch, watch!

Foul! Foul!

Don't be such a redneck. You're from
the countryside and it shows.

It's "a foul" and not just "foul".
Did you ever hear about the article,

or did your grammar teacher die
too early?

I understand you, but it's still
foul! The foul, foul... same thing.

At the same time, I've never thought
that I've been wasting my time.

I've never felt like saying,
"what the fuck am I doing?"

Never! Ever!

I wake up in the morning and tell
myself, "I've got a top job."

Sure, sometimes I think,
"What a bore".

Or, "Mother Mary, I'm so tired!
Wouldn't it be great to sleep more?"

Because let's face it. Zero sleep.
In this job, you never sleep.

- My name is Massimiliano.
- And you can call me "The Ciano".

What kind of name is "The Ciano"?

I wasn't sure you would understand
Luciano.

Anyway, people's applauses echoing
in the name of "Mr. Cipo"

and other bullshit like that.
It's wonderful.

It's great, sometimes too much.
But it's great.

I have a collection of football
jerseys, all originals.

Foreign clubs,
some Italian club jerseys,

and the Juventus ones,
but they're a collection apart.

I own around 150 International teams
football jerseys.

The Fitball is a big ball,
a very big one,

measuring 70 cm, 60, 50, 80
in diameter,

depending on the height
of the person.

It can be used as a chair,
as I do, for example,

to eat at the table,
and to study,

or to work out
and tone the body.

I also practice foot reflexology,
which is something for everyone.

Through the base of the foot one
can reach a series of reflex points.

These reflex points
found at the base of the foot

are connected to
different organs of the body.

So if you are unable to directly
reach

certain parts of the body,
because they are inflamed

like for example the sciatic nerve
or similar disturbances,

it's possible to reach them
through the feet.

I am certain of being crazy.

To be a resort entertainer
is sometimes pure folly.

To think that there are people
like me, who are 32 or 35 years-old,

who year in year out, drop their day
job to go and become an entertainer.

We're not stable people, understood?
Absolutely not.

It's a state of mind
that somehow grounds you to earth.

On the other hand, you're like,

"Who cares,
I want to take pleasure in life."

At the end, you do take pleasure.
But it's not always like that.

Before '98,
I never followed football.

I was a Juventus fan for fun,
because my father was,

then in '98 watching Zidane,
Del Piero...

then sadly Del Piero
that same year got injured, anyway...

Something sparked in me.

I watched the players
in their jerseys and fell in love.

- So, slowly slowly...
- You fell in love with the jerseys?

No, I fell in love with football.
Then when I became older

and discovered eBay,
I began this collection of mine.

So, for example, when I'm playing
5-a-side with friends,

I can always play wearing
a different jersey.

Personally,
to wear a player's jersey,

makes me feel like him for a few
minutes. It makes me feel...

It excites me, I feel
like acting out a role even more.

At the Eastern Market, for two coins,
a mouse, my father bough me.

Then came the cat, miaw,
and ate the mouse, squit,

that at the market
my father bought me.

At the Eastern Market, for two coins,
a mouse, my father bough me.

I hope not to be here,
next year.

Sincerely, I've been here four years,
working at this same resort,

I feel sorry about Cipo
because we've bonded so well...

As my boss, I've always had
to run after him. He's problematic...

but I don't give weight
to this anymore.

The first year we worked together
I always had to run after him,

to find out about the rundown
for the show.

"Cipo, so what's the show like?

What's the scenes?"
And he would make noises...

"Say what?" Run away
and I had to follow suit.

"What's the material?"
Then close to nine,

bear in mind,
the show began at ten,

I would ask for the materials
and he would do nothing.

Once I got to know him,
through the years,

I've waited directly for
nine-o-clock,

calmly preparing the material
in the meantime.

If I find anyone who can assure him
a painless slow death,

I am ready to pay.

But I still love him, though,
now he's here.

And if he was a woman
he would never find a boyfriend,

because his legs are too straight.
Am I right?

But he's well-liked.

He's got everything he needs to be
well-liked and I like him.

Cipo and I argue a lot,

mostly because
he doesn't care about anything.

For him life is, living.

Life is one. Life is pleasure
so he doesn't do anything.

He doesn't organize anything,
there's no program, there's nothing,

I, on the other hand,
am an organized person.

I need to know what I'm doing,

I need to have the situation
under control. He's the opposite,

so it's inevitable we clash.

The thought that I can't seem to tie
myself too much

to some people, scares me.

The bond, how can I explain...

I don't care about it or anything,
sometimes.

I'm able to switch off completely

and not give a shit
about anything and everything.

I have to repeat something to him
twenty times sometimes,

and when he has to do it,

he forgets what I told him
and I get angry.

It means he wasn't listening to me.

But he's like that, anything you say
to him, he'll forget it.

Except for what he's interested in.
And he's not interested in much.

- Except?
- Except his bitter and football.

Oh, the toilet boil.
Nino, I want the toilet bowl.

The toilet...
What time is it? It's a bit early.

It's still early.

Giunti is such a character!

What are you doing?

Are you filming in here?

Listen, keep this between you and I,
make me a bitter?

So?

How much did you drink?

Good evening everyone!

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's finally Friday.

Tonight, let me tell you that it's
the first time we try this show,

the first time we bring this show
on stage.

The title of this show is
"In four and four eight."

Why? 4 plus 4 is 8.

Well, I've been here 8 years,
haven't I?

So, who of you...
Thank you, thank you.

You could say, "Well,
he got just leave now" but no.

I've been here 8 years, from 2006,
I'm getting old.

In a good way because it still seems
as if I'm 15 years-old.

Ok. 20, let's say 20.

25... 47!

If I could go back in time, I'd go
back to 15 and become a footballer.

This is my only regret.

For the rest, fuck, I'd still do it.
Of course. I'd do it every time.

Mother Mary, every season,
for fuck sakes.

I would probably date less.

But, you date less, because
your happy with your woman.

With some of them I wouldn't have
dated them. Just fuck them, maybe.

In a good way, I mean.
But that's how it is.

But I'm aware that

even if I could go back in time
to when I was 20

I would have smoked less,
I would have...

That's the only thing I regret,
but I've also had fun.

But the years of the dragon,
the years at the park,

I would have fucked around less and
would have tried harder on this road.

At 31 years old, I'm aware that...

at the end of the day,
I've had a good life so far

and much more to come,
one still hopes.

But it still pisses off when I think

that I could have become
a footballer.

I like it a lot,
all the brand names,

all the people that come
and watch you.

This is my only regret,
not to have been a footballer.

Even a lower division one,

you never know, I might have made it.

That's my only regret.

But if I could also choose
to be an entertainer,

I would choose that every time.

I would choose to redo it because
it's given me unparalleled feelings.

I repeat, from the applause,
to all of the weird fucks I've had...

Things that I would have never done
with a normal life.

True, we were having this
discussion the other time around,

that anyway you live on the applause.

You live on that week of
"Cipo, Cipo, Cipo",

when you come out on the stage...
"Mr. Cipo."

Of course, it's beautiful, beautiful.

Let's now roll out a series
of exotic animals. The lama.

The lama.

- You went looking for that one.
- The chameleon.

The chameleon making love.

The chameleon after having made love.

The camel.

Let's pass on quickly
to the world of birds.

Remember the kids!

The kingfisher.

Oh, Giunti!

The king!
Ah, ah, the king fishes...

The robin.

Ancient fishermen would have thrown
Cipo out to sea.

People like him anyway.

He never minds his own business.
He's tiring.

He's alerted all the fish with the
sign, saying "Small fish, big fish,

all leave because Giunti is coming.
Giunti is dangerous."

At Cipo's house
there's a tree,

I would like to tie a doll to it,
with its tongue out, choke it.

It's Cipo's end.

I had to start feeding the fishes,

because he doesn't let me catch them.
Understood?

Never. He always says,
"Happy fishing, happy fishing."

Overall, I'm really happy to have
Cipo as my partner.

There's nobody happier than him.

Pity is that if there's a woman
around, she's his. He's Florentine.

Florentines eat beans.
Do you know what his friends do?

They eat beans and then
fart behind their backs. Understood?

They speak from their ass.
Tell your friend. Where is he?

He left? No?
See what your friends do?

They eat beans
and then speak behind your back.

Look how he's laughing.

You understood?

People from Livorno say,
"Can you tell me the size of a twat?"

"How can you measure it?
She's always been measured in cock!"

Is it ok if I swear like this?
You can always cut it out later...

Bayern Munich's jerseys
are the most beautiful of them all.

A collectionist like myself knows
this. Yearly, they make a new jersey

that is a season must buy.

I must have 7 or 8
Bayern Munich shirts.

I'm thinking at the 2010-2011
Bayern Monaco Home,

Home means their home ground shirt,
their first jersey.

I think it's one of the most
beautiful jerseys of all times.

White and red stripes
with the sponsor T-Home.

An unbelievable jersey.

Then came the stick that hit
the dog, that bit the cat,

that ate the mouse, that
at the market my father bought me.

At the Eastern Fair, for two coins
a little mouse my father bought me.

Then came fire that burnt the stick,
that hit the dog,

that bit the cat,
that ate the mouse,

that at the market
my father bought me.

At the Eastern Fair, for two coins
a little mouse my father bought me.

Fortunately, I always try
to block this feeling,

but it doesn't take much
to show yourself as a dickhead

instead of a clown.

It's the classic phrase that guy
used to tell me when I was small...

- My teacher...
I never told you this? - No.

The one that gave me private lessons.

Once he found out I measured the size
of my dick. I never told you this?

Eh, fuck, Fossi is always telling
that story.

I wrote on a paper "limp 6, hard 12",
something like that.

And he found it. He said,
"What are these measurements?"

I can't fucking remember
what I answered back.

But he said, "You have to be careful,
because in your class,

I mean at your school, they are
not laughing with you, but at you."

I have to answer this
and I don't know who it is.

He's had some trouble here, Cipo.
Eh, he's missing something.

Why, at some point,
did they shut down the madhouses?

All these people are now outside.

There's no more madhouses.
Cipo is now out here.

When they used to come
and eat here in the past,

they would hide behind
that bush,

dressed as devils,
holding sickles

and they would scare the people
who came to eat away.

Look at all those crazy people
out there.

But you never got dressed up.
You're the serious one of the group.

Since Pepe left, he rules.

Look at his legs, see how he does it?

He's always falling over
when he crosses his legs.

Like a bow-legged cripple.

Well, I've been coming here
for many years,

but let's draw a compassionate veil
over it.

Because it's been too many
sadly.

The only thing I learned in Sardinia

is not to exaggerate,

you have to tighten up the words.

The Tuscan accent is natural,
but it's only good to a point,

as it's hard to understand.

If we speak it quickly
like we're doing now, see?

Abroad, away from here,
they can't understand us.

So, one has to pronounce
words better.

Do you see that, I mean
this in front of us? On the right.

Is Loggia dei Lanzi.

Yeah.
It's... how do you say, a portico?

I don't go in America.
Look, look.

Wonderful!

And on the left you'll see also
the Galleria, the Uffizi Gallery.

Now it's a museum,
but the Medici with this gallery...

because, because...

Once in a while the Florentines
get pissed off. Right?

I don't know in English
the word pissed off...

- How long? How long?
- What?

- Time. To build.
- To build?

Well, it took 20 years
to build this.

- Twenty years? - In Boston,
this takes one and a half week.

Eh, Mother Mary!...

These Americans, they piss me off.

Yes, they piss me off
these americans, really piss me off.

They have to be...
America, America!

America, what?
They don't have anything but cows!

C'mon, Geppo, go, you need to make
your dough, c'mon, let's go.

What thing I like to do is buy
a jersey without a name and number

and then buy the kit online on eBay
to personalize it.

They sell them all over Singapore,
Malaysia, originals, eh?

I know these trusted shops on eBay
where I buy,

for a good price of 7-8 euro plus
another 3 and a half for delivery,

prices range from kit to kit...

and then in Vibo Valentia
in a friend's shop,

with the printing press,
I print them.

So, I've personalized several
bought shirts.

I mean, first I bought the original
jerseys, then I bought...

Because I'm a perfectionist
when it comes to jerseys.

I'm a perfectionist
to obsessive levels.

Once I bought a shirt,
but they got the numbers wrong.

Instead of 33 they put EE,
or with the threes flipped over.

I have a girlfriend in Arezzo, whose
aunt is a phenomenal seamstress.

I bought some red fabric
and printed the right 33 on it,

she saw it onto the jersey, and
patched it over the wrong numbers,

as if it had always been part
of that shirt and I put the 33,

because I didn't want to throw
that shirt out.

So, from this point of view,
I'm obsessive.

At the Eastern Fair, for two coins,
a little mouse, my father bought me.

Then came the ox that drank
the water, that put out the fire,

that burnt the stick,
that hit the dog, that bit the cat,

that ate the mouse, that
at the market, my father bought me.

At the Eastern Fair, for two coins,
a little mouse, my father bought me.

For example, I have a small fetish
for Sampdoria jerseys,

I like them, they're stretchy,
blue, very attractive.

And then, all the others.

- Arsenal. - Arsenal, Nike.
Arsenal makes good jerseys.

I was in London, earlier this year
and I bought one.

Last season's one, mind you.
With the two laurel leaves, here.

They've built a discotheque
on the other side of the resort.

So we had the discotheque open
until three-o-clock in the morning.

With clients?

So, my boys started working at three.

They went to bed at five. When
do you fucking have time to party?

- Are there any clients, who
once in a while get drunk? - Yes.

Her... Did I introduce her to you?

That girl, from Bergamo,
physically, eh...

Two drunken guests tried
to sandwich her once.

"Eh, c'mon, gorgeous."
They started this routine.

- Dancing? - Yes, dancing,
but they must have peeved her off.

She told them to fuck off
and you can't do that!

To do this job you need to love it
before you actually start it.

Because it changes you a lot,
it's an experience you must try.

Those who start it only because
they have nothing else to do

or because they want to have the
experience, they get to half season

and they can't take it anymore,
I don't think...

Even if they put all their
enthusiasm in it,

you can tell
they're not entertainers.

At the Eastern Fair, for two coins,
a little mouse, my father bought me.

Then came the butcher, who in
Naples is called a "meat merchant".

Then came the meat merchant and
killed the ox, that drank the water,

that put down the fire, that burnt
the stick, that hit the dog,

that bit the cat,
that ate the mouse,

that at the market,
my father bought me.

It's over.

I'll never own a Balotelli shirt.

I have two Manchester City jerseys
when Balotelli played there,

but on principle,
I got myself a Silva shirt,

he's one of those players,
I enjoy very much.

And another jersey,
Dzeko's 10, I also like him.

But not a Balotelli one.
I'll never own a Balotelli jersey.

- Do you have any goalkeeper kits?
- No.

- Why? - I don't play in goals
and they seem useless.

My hamster swam, so this will, too.

Put your hand underneath it,
let's see if it swims.

- Put your hand underneath.
- And then...

- Alice, stop!
- Alice, please, eh.

Shall I go?

Don't throw him in though,
don't make him dive.

Place your hand delicately,
put your hand underneath.

- Relax, nothing is going to happen.
- Good, like that.

We're not killing him.

- Andre'.
- Ah? Here I am.

Here's a swimming course
for the hedgehog.

Does anyone have my lighter?

Does it swim?

- He's the boss. - No, cool,
look at the hedgehog swim!

- No, it's too much...
- Yes, look how frightened he is.

- It's normal.
- He's just had a little bath.

What would it do, if it was
a lake? A lake in every place.

- Perfect. - If he wasn't feeling
well before, now...

No, the other one was sick.
Let's wash the paint off this one.

Cipo, wash the paint off that one,
please, or it'll die.

- C'mon, save his life.
- Mattia, did they find him?

He's on his way? If he sees this
he's going to flip out.

I'll show him they swim.
Hedgehogs swim.

Amazing. Who's this, Vidal?

No, the most beautiful one
has to be Vidal, always.

- Ah, no, not this one...
- No, he's a ginger.

- Why the ginger?
- If you do this they start to...

Do this.

I'm a sport masseur,

which is not necessarily for sporting
people, but that's its definition.

I give massages post-race
and pre-race,

thus post-training
and pre-training.

Post-training does not imply that
you must necessarily train before.

It can be a person who is standing
or sitting down all day,

and thus needs to be brought back
to a relaxed state.

I also do shiatsu
and ayurvedic oil massage,

postural gymnastics,
and personalized training programs.

That's why I'm a personal trainer,
I guess.

I think I'm the only one
to own a South Korea jersey,

I have the shirt...

The Lokomotiv Moscow jersey.
Not great teams, sure...

I have Bruges' jersey
and the Belgian international kit.

Who else on earth has these shirts?

Some are sacred relics
you find in forgotten shops,

relics that have been there for
years and have become unsellable

so they're well discounted.

You think, "Belgium's kit?
It's curious to have it."

Others, you find on eBay for 5 euro.

I've bought many shirts at 5-10 euro.
In forgotten bids.

It's little bargains like these
you need to take advantage of.

If you hadn't been
a resort entertainer,

after all these years
of experience,

would you go on holiday
in a tourist resort? - No.

- But wait. How, with a date?
- As you wish, generally speaking.

I've done that
and redone it already.

When I was a child, I always went
to tourist resorts, like Club Med.

Yeah, but Club Med
is a bit different.

Yes, but, just to say,
in 2006 I was in Malaysia

to celebrate New Year.
I think it was 2006,

anyway, I participated
in every activity. - Ah, really?

I went thinking,
"I don't want to do shit".

Were you there
with your parents?

Yes, with my sister, my father,
my two brothers and...

my father's wife.
- Ah, your family.

Beautiful. I swear to you, at five
I would prepare the 5-a-side game.

Because the Club Med staff,
wouldn't organize it,

there was a beautiful pitch
and so I would organize it.

Meantime all the kids
knew me already.

Even on holiday,
I couldn't help myself.

- So you like it.
- Yes, in the end, I do.

But I also like to be by myself,
understood?

But when I'm in that moment,
I'm happy.

I would also feel a bit intimidated
by them making me want to play games.

A bunch of things
that usually I'm directing.

But I enjoyed it. Got all the medals.

I won everything, played all the
tournaments, mini pong, ping-pong...

I played the boules tournament
with Albertone.

Came in second.
They gave us the silver.

And I'm proud of that.
Because that's what the guest wants.

We give him a mini diploma, we
haven't got the money of Club Med.

You can't imagine how much
people care about these things.

Some parents tell you, "Today you
haven't given any prize to my son,

he felt really bad about it."

Let's say that all of the tournaments
you prepare, they're all shit!

What about the card tournament?

It's a fucking card tournament
of chase the ace, or bridge,

a tournament that if you are lounging
at the beach can also be stimulating,

but people want their little diploma,
they want to come to the stage

and be interviewed with their little
diploma, understood?

But it's just a piece of paper!
They're really, really fond of.

And if you forget to give it to them,
they'll make you pay for it, as well.

Let's move on,
today another sedentary tournament,

but all in all
it went well,

because this is a card game
that should you feel inclined,

can be stretched to 40 minutes.
It went well.

Yes, but there's also the Machiavelli
tournament. Where's Fiorenza?

But do you give out the mini diplomas
to those who win tournaments?

Yes, before the show we do a
"Resort minute by minute" routine,

with a nice cheesy 90s jingle
and I shout,

"The Roller Club resort

presents Resort minute by minute
a sporting tournament insert

dedicated to today and tomorrow's
tournaments. On stage, Mister Cipo!"

And everyone goes, Olé!
Everyone chanting, "Yes!"

Let's introduce today's first
card tournament "Chase the ace".

The winner is Antonio. The music
starts, it's all like this.

Let's go, picture with Antonio,
taken by the resort photographer.

So let's announce today's winner.

The winner of today's Machiavelli
tournament is Fiorenza.

Let's give her a warm applause.

On another note, beautiful t-shirt,
I have the same identical one.

Yes, I have it too.

So, these have been
today's tournament winners...

but let's also present
tomorrow's tournaments...

Giovanni, tomorrow at 4 p.m.
we host which tournament?

- The Chase the Ace tournament.
- Exactly.

At 5 p.m., the sporting tournament
shall be Boules, at the big pitch.

Excuse me, are there any tournaments
that last more than one day?

- Only the boules tournament.
- Do you give out prizes every day?

Every day there is the sedentary
tournament and,

the sporting tournament
and then the 5-a-side tournament.

Mother Mary...

- Mother Mary.
- Shut up, shut up, go, go.

In the morning there's a beach game.
There's a prize in that also.

But it's mostly gimmicks
just to make them play.

Obviously if there's a medal,
a keychain or anything to win,

people are inclined
to participate more, no?

To the point where some Neapolitans
said, "Ah, in the other resort

they gave us the entertainer shirts.
Can you give them out also?"

"Oh c'mon, I can't give them to you."

We have the t-shirts and all
the merchandising is in there.

Oh, really?
Do people buy the gadgets?

People buy the t-shirt
because you have it.

They're shitty t-shirts,
Chinese made,

with Equipe written on the back.

They're selling like crazy
in the boutique.

The ones with "Villages and tribes"
written on the back. It's all there.

- It's very... - But,
what game do you play on the beach?

Real dumpsters,
like flip-flop throw.

The one thing I've never liked, and
that's why I don't do it anymore is

the beach stroll.
The beach stroll in full costume.

With the stunts you pull there,
one can stop feeling shame forever.

At 10-o-clock in the morning you walk
on the beach dressed as something.

Understood?

A jellyfish! A jellyfish!

It's going to eat us!

I'm aware that these games
are idiotic.

Today we'll give you
these small balls. Silver ones.

You have to take them,
watch out because they're hot.

Watch out, they're hot balls.

Do many things from the worlds
of show business and cabaret

also work in the world
of tourist resorts?

Yes, but they're two different
things, the world of tourist resorts

and the world of show business.

But there's those jokes from cabaret
that work in a resort,

but that I could never repeat
on television. That's all.

One of the best Italian entertainers
isn't Fiorello,

because Fiorello has never been a
resort entertainer. - What did he do?

Fiorello was a barman.
They say, that's the legend anyway,

they say that everyone went to
the bar instead of going to the show.

He entertained there. He entertained
all these people, at the bar.

- Well, he's quite powerful.
- Do you like Fiorello?

Yes, I like him,
especially the thing he's doing now.

- That thing...
- The newsstand one?

- It's genius, no?
- It's beautiful.

What the fuck do you want more?
He's a genius in these things.

I think, he's never fallen in shame
with anything.

Maybe a bit a the beginning
when he did that shitty show.

So, therefore, the question is this,

Show it to me again because
I've forgotten about it.

No luck, no shit,
there ain't there is, but...

Who lost their right path?

What gives you, in brackets,
a tad more motivation

is to think about your parents.

"My mother when she speaks with her
friends, or even just with herself,

is she proud of me?" Or maybe,
"Who knows what she thinks of me?"

Or you think, "They gave me light,
they gave me life,

they give me money
and this is how I repay them back?"

But I don't think about this anymore.

They're all feelings,
because sadly I'm built this way.

I'm not one to say,
"I want to be this,

want to do that,
and so on and so forth",

and we go back to the same old
story, the one I live day by day.

So I don't know
what I will and will not do.

And I also don't know at times what
to give too much importance to...

So, all and all, it's fine with me.

The important thing
is to be serene with oneself.

If you're happy with yourself,
you can get along with yourself,

then you can get also get along
with others.

So you have to identify
your life priorities and then,

once you've identified them,
try and reach serenity.

Then, having said this...
Soul, strength and courage!

I think this, independently
from the ball, ball or no ball,

right or left, whatever you want,
anyone can say anything they please,

but love, love conquers all.

I'm convinced about this,
that love conquers all.

It's better this way.

Remember you're all
divine creatures,

and that at the end
love conquers all.

Love conquers all.

Who said you could sit on the towel?

- He told me.
- But why?

I want to lie down
and catch the sun.

I AM MY OWN
WORST ENEMY