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1
00:01:40,725 --> 00:01:43,185
-Who are you?
-We are three wise men.
2
00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:45,938
-What?
-We are three wise men.
3
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:49,149
What are you doing creeping around
a cowshed at 2:00 a.m.?
4
00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:51,276
That doesn't sound very wise to me.
5
00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:55,656
-We are astrologers.
-We have come from the East.
6
00:01:56,032 --> 00:02:00,202
-ls this some kind of joke?
-We wish to praise the infant.
7
00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:03,956
-We must pay a homage to him.
-Homage? You're all drunk!
8
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,542
lt's disgusting! Out! Come on, out!
9
00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:10,295
Bursting in here with tales about
Oriental fortunetellers. Out!
10
00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:13,382
-No, no, we must see him.
-Go and praise someone else's brat!
11
00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:17,511
-We were led by a star!
-Led by a bottle more like! Go on, out!
12
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:20,055
-We must see him. We have presents!
-Out!
13
00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:22,141
Gold, frankincense, myrrh!
14
00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:25,352
Well, why didn't you say?
He's over there.
15
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:28,730
Sorry the place is a bit of a mess.
16
00:02:28,898 --> 00:02:30,899
Well, what is myrrh anyway?
17
00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:33,735
-lt is a valuable balm.
-A balm?!
18
00:02:33,903 --> 00:02:36,655
What are you giving him a balm for?
lt might bite him!
19
00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,074
-What?
-That's a dangerous animal!
20
00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:40,951
-Throw it in the trough!
-No, it isn't!
21
00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:45,080
-lt's a great big...
-No, no, no, it is an ointment.
22
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:49,376
Well, there is an animal called
a balm, or did l dream it?
23
00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:53,380
So you're astrologers, are you?
Well, what is he then?
24
00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:56,592
What star-sign is he?
25
00:02:56,759 --> 00:03:00,387
-Capricorn.
-Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
26
00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:03,223
Well, he's the Son of God.
Our Messiah.
27
00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:04,558
King of the Jews!
28
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:08,020
-And that's Capricorn, is it?
-No, no, no, that's just him!
29
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:11,440
I was gonna say,
otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
30
00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:15,068
-By what name are you calling him?
-Brian.
31
00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:19,489
We worship you, Brian,
who are lord over us all.
32
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:25,037
Praise unto you, Brian,
and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.
33
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,705
-Do you do a lot of this?
-What?
34
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,957
-This praising.
-No, no. No, no.
35
00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:31,960
Well, if you're dropping
by again, do pop in.
36
00:03:32,128 --> 00:03:34,880
And thanks a lot for the gold
and frankincense...
37
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:38,217
...but don't worry too much about
the myrrh next time, all right?
38
00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:41,637
Thank you. Goodbye.
39
00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:44,890
Well, weren't they nice?
40
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:49,353
Out of their bloody minds'
but still, look at that!
41
00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:53,774
Here. here, that's mine! Hey! Hey!
42
00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:10,165
Shut up!
43
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:21,426
Brian
The babe they called Brian
44
00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:27,849
He grew
45
00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:31,186
Grew, grew and grew
46
00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:38,193
Grew up to be
47
00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:45,784
A boy called Brian
48
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:49,538
He had arms and legs
49
00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:53,000
And hands and feet
50
00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:55,836
This boy
51
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:59,506
Whose name was Brian
52
00:04:59,882 --> 00:05:02,968
And he grew
53
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:06,471
Grew, grew and grew
54
00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:09,391
Grew up to be
55
00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,853
Yes, he grew up to be
56
00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:20,235
A teenager called Brian
57
00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:23,572
And his face became spotty
58
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:27,159
Yes, his face became spotty
59
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:30,954
And his voice dropped down low
60
00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:34,374
And things started to grow
61
00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:37,711
On young Brian and show
62
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:41,256
He was certainly no
63
00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:45,052
No girl named Brian
64
00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:50,349
Not a girl named Brian
65
00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:59,024
And he started to shave
66
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:02,152
And have one off the wrist
67
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:05,947
And want to see girls
68
00:06:06,115 --> 00:06:09,451
And go out and get pissed
69
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:12,954
A man called Brian
70
00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:16,458
This man called Brian
71
00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:22,464
The man they called Brian
72
00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:28,303
This man called
73
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:31,765
Brian
74
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:22,816
How blessed are those
who know that he's of God.
75
00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:26,361
How blessed are
the sorrowful.
76
00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:29,489
They shall find consolation.
77
00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:34,536
How blessed are those
of gentle spirit.
78
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:38,457
They shall have the earth
for their possession.
79
00:07:39,208 --> 00:07:41,668
How blessed are those who hunger...
80
00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:46,006
...and thirst to see right prevail.
81
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:49,176
They shall be satisfied.
82
00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:54,389
How blessed are those
whose hearts are pure.
83
00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:56,850
They shall see God.
84
00:07:57,018 --> 00:07:59,728
-Speak up!
-Quiet mum!
85
00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:02,981
Well, I can't hear a thing.
86
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:05,525
Let's go to a stoning.
87
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:09,154
-You can go to a stoning anytime.
-Come on, Brian.
88
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,865
Will you be quiet?
89
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:14,075
Don't pick your nose!
90
00:08:14,243 --> 00:08:15,702
I wasn't. I was scratching.
91
00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:18,330
You was picking it while you
was talking to that lady.
92
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:21,458
-I wasn't!
-Leave it alone . Give it a rest.
93
00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:26,254
-Do you mind? I can't hear a word.
-Don't you "do you mind" me.
94
00:08:26,422 --> 00:08:29,216
-I was talking to my husband.
-Talk to him somewhere else.
95
00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:32,886
-I can't hear a bloody thing.
-Don't you swear at my wife .
96
00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:36,348
I was only asking her to shut up
so we can hear, big nose.
97
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,767
Don't you call my husband
"big nose."
98
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:42,020
-Well, he has got a big nose.
-Could you be quiet, please?
99
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:44,856
-What was that?
-I was too busy talking to big nose.
100
00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:47,776
I think it was,
"Blessed are the cheese makers."
101
00:08:48,444 --> 00:08:51,071
What's so special about
the cheese makers?
102
00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,198
lt's not meant to be taken literally.
103
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:56,368
lt refers to any manufacturers
of dairy products.
104
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:59,204
lf you hadn't been going on,
we'd have heard that, big nose.
105
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:02,040
Say that once more,
I'll smash your bloody face in!
106
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:05,210
Listen, might be a bit
about "Blessed are the big noses."
107
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:06,795
Lay off him.
108
00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:11,049
You're not so bad yourself, conk-face.
Where are you two from? Nose City?
109
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:14,386
One more time'
I'll take you to the fucking cleaners!
110
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,638
Language!
111
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:18,974
And don't pick your nose!
112
00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:21,309
I wasn't going to.
I was gonna thump him!
113
00:09:21,477 --> 00:09:24,229
-Hear that? Blessed are the Greek.
-The Greek?
114
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,856
Apparently,
he's gonna inherit the earth.
115
00:09:27,024 --> 00:09:29,776
-Did anyone catch his name?
-You won't thump anybody.
116
00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:31,945
I'll thump him if he calls me
"big nose"!
117
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:33,738
Shut up, big nose!
118
00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:35,824
Right. I warned you.
119
00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:37,951
I really will slug you so hard--!
120
00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:41,329
lt's the meek.
"Blessed are the meek."
121
00:09:41,497 --> 00:09:44,040
That's nice, isn't it?
l'm glad they getting something.
122
00:09:44,208 --> 00:09:45,584
They have a hell of a time.
123
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:49,254
Listen l'm only telling the truth,
you have got a very big nose.
124
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:52,048
Your nose is going to be
three foot wide ...
125
00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:54,217
...across your face
by the time I'm finished!
126
00:09:55,344 --> 00:09:57,220
Who hit yours?
Goliath's big brother?
127
00:09:57,763 --> 00:10:01,683
-Right, that's your last warning.
-Do pipe down.
128
00:10:03,352 --> 00:10:06,605
Silly bitch, getting in the way.
129
00:10:08,190 --> 00:10:09,274
Break it up!
130
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:12,485
-Come on, let's go to the stoning.
-All right.
131
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:21,036
Blessed is just about everyone with an
interest in the status quo, right, Reg?
132
00:10:21,203 --> 00:10:25,624
What Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate
is it's the meek who are the problem.
133
00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:30,253
Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see.
134
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:34,132
Come on, Brian, or they'll have
stoned him before we get there .
135
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,884
All right.
136
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:40,221
Hey, get off her. That's disgusting.
Officer, intervene here.
137
00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:43,433
Attempted rape going on. lt's the chap
with the big nose's fault.
138
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,310
He started it all.
139
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:47,979
I hate wearing these beards.
140
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:50,315
Why aren't women allowed
at stonings?
141
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,108
lt's written, that's why.
142
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:57,238
-Beard, madam?
-I haven't got time to go to no stonings.
143
00:10:57,406 --> 00:11:00,158
He's not well again.
144
00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:04,037
-Stone, sir?
-They've got them lying on the ground.
145
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:05,955
Not like these, sir. Look at this.
146
00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:09,292
Feel the quality of that.
That's craftsmanship.
147
00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:13,421
All right. We'll have two with points
and a big, flat one.
148
00:11:13,589 --> 00:11:15,423
Could I have a flat one, Mum?
149
00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:16,758
Sorry. Dad.
150
00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:20,387
All right. Two points, two flats
and a packet of gravel.
151
00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:21,763
Packet of gravel.
152
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:23,598
Should be a good one this afternoon.
153
00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:25,225
-Local boy.
-Oh, good.
154
00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:26,685
Enjoy yourselves.
155
00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:48,331
Matthias, son of
Deuteronomy of Gath...
156
00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:50,667
-Do I say yes?
-Yes!
157
00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:54,462
...you have been found guilty
by the elders of the town...
158
00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:57,549
...of uttering the name of our Lord...
159
00:11:57,717 --> 00:12:00,468
...and so as a blasphemer...
160
00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:05,682
...you are to be stoned to death!
161
00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:09,477
Look, l,d had a lovely supper'
and all I said to my wife was:
162
00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:13,648
"That piece of halibut was
good enough for Jehovah."
163
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:17,235
Blasphemy! He said it again!
164
00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:20,405
-Did you hear him?
-Yeah! Yes, we did!
165
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:21,823
Really.
166
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:27,996
Are there any women here today?
167
00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:37,338
Very well. By virtue of the authority...
168
00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:38,631
...vested in me--
169
00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:41,760
Lay off! We haven't started yet.
170
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:44,596
Come on! Who threw that?
171
00:12:45,514 --> 00:12:47,515
Who threw that stone? Come on!
172
00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:49,684
She did! She did!
173
00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:52,353
He did! He did! He did!
174
00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:54,689
Sorry, I thought we'd started.
175
00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:57,317
-Go to the back.
-Oh, dear.
176
00:12:57,485 --> 00:13:00,361
Always one, isn't there?
177
00:13:00,529 --> 00:13:03,990
-Now, where were we?
-I don't think it ought to be blasphemy...
178
00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:07,410
-...just saying "Jehovah."
-He did! He did!
179
00:13:07,578 --> 00:13:09,788
You're only making it worse
for yourself!
180
00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:12,540
Making it worse?!
How could it be worse?
181
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,210
Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
182
00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:19,047
I'm warning you!
lf you say Jehovah once more--
183
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:21,716
Right! Who threw that?
184
00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:25,386
Come on! Who threw that?
185
00:13:27,389 --> 00:13:29,891
Him! Him! Him!
186
00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:31,559
-Was it you?
-Yes.
187
00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:34,395
-Right--
-Well, you did say Jehovah.
188
00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:40,860
Stop. Stop. Will you stop that?
189
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:42,070
Stop it!
190
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:47,909
Now, look. No one is to stone
anyone until I blow this whistle.
191
00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:49,494
Do you understand?
192
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:52,997
Even, and I want to
make this absolutely clear...
193
00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:56,251
...even if they do say Jehovah.
194
00:14:02,341 --> 00:14:03,800
Good shot!
195
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:18,523
-Have I got a big nose, mum?
-Stop thinking about sex.
196
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,608
-I wasn't.
-You're always on about it.
197
00:14:20,776 --> 00:14:22,110
Morning, noon and night.
198
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,904
"Will the girls like this,
will the girls like that?
199
00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:28,116
Is it too big, is it too small?"
200
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,955
-Alms for a leper.
-Alms for a leper.
201
00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:36,708
Alms for an ex-leper.
202
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:40,795
Bloody donkey-owners, all the same,
ain't they? Never have any change.
203
00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:42,463
Here's a touch.
204
00:14:42,631 --> 00:14:45,800
-Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?
-Buzz off.
205
00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:47,719
Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?
206
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:50,263
A talent? That's more than
he earns in a month.
207
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:52,307
-Half a talent then?
-No, go away.
208
00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:53,892
-Big nose, let's haggle.
-What?
209
00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:56,311
All right, let's say you open
at one shekel.. .
210
00:14:56,478 --> 00:14:58,897
...I start at 2000, we close at 1800.
211
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,106
-No.
-1750?
212
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:01,816
-Go away!
-1740?
213
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:04,652
-Leave him alone.
-All right. Two shekels, just two.
214
00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:07,822
-ls this fun, eh?
-Look, he's not giving you any money.
215
00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:10,450
Now piss off!
216
00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:16,164
All right, final offer,
half a shekel for an ex-leper?
217
00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:18,833
-Did you say ex-leper?
-That's right, sir.
218
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,877
Sixteen years behind
a bell and proud of it.
219
00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,338
-Well, what happened?
-I was cured, sir.
220
00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:26,174
-Cured?
-A bloody miracle, sir. God bless you.
221
00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:28,843
-Who cured you?
-Jesus did, sir.
222
00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,095
I was hopping along,
minding my own business.
223
00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:33,598
All of a sudden, up he comes,
cures me.
224
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:38,019
One minute I'm a leper with a trade'
next minute my livelihood's gone.
225
00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:40,772
"You're cured, mate."
Bloody do-gooder.
226
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:44,442
Well, why don't you go and tell him
that you want to be a leper again?
227
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:46,694
I could do that sir.
I could, I suppose.
228
00:15:46,862 --> 00:15:50,698
I was gonna ask him if he'd make me
a bit lame in one leg during the week.
229
00:15:50,866 --> 00:15:54,702
You know, something beggable, but
not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass.
230
00:15:54,870 --> 00:15:57,538
Brian.
Come and clean your room out.
231
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,541
-There you are.
-Thank you. Thank--
232
00:16:00,709 --> 00:16:05,755
-Half a dinare for me bloody life story?
-There's no pleasing some people.
233
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:08,132
That's just what Jesus said, sir.
234
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:22,730
Good afternoon.
235
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,692
Hello, officer.
236
00:16:25,859 --> 00:16:29,070
I'll be with you in a few
moments, all right, dear?
237
00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:30,488
What's he doing here?
238
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:34,242
-Don't start, Brian. Go clean your room.
-Bloody Romans.
239
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:37,745
Now, look, Brian. lf it wasn't for them,
we wouldn't have all this.
240
00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:41,499
-And don't you forget it.
-We don't owe the Romans anything.
241
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:44,168
That's not entirely true, is it, Brian?
242
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:45,378
What do you mean?
243
00:16:45,546 --> 00:16:48,548
Well, you know when you
were asking me about your...?
244
00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:49,716
My nose?
245
00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:52,593
Yes, well, there's a reason
it's like it is.
246
00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:54,345
What is it?
247
00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:58,599
Well, I suppose I should have
told you a long time ago, but...
248
00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:00,893
Well, Brian...
249
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:05,189
-...your father isn't Mr. Cohen.
-I never thought he was.
250
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:07,066
Now, none of your cheek!
251
00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:09,777
He was a Roman, Brian.
252
00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:12,613
He was a centurion
in the Roman army.
253
00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:16,951
-You mean you were raped?!
-Well, at first, yes.
254
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:21,122
-Who was it?
-Naughtius Maximus his name was.
255
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,541
Promised me the known world'
he did.
256
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:26,627
I was to be taken to Rome'
house by the Forum...
257
00:17:26,795 --> 00:17:28,796
...slaves, asses, milk...
258
00:17:28,964 --> 00:17:31,299
...as much gold as I could eat.
259
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:35,762
Then he, having his way with me
he had: Like a rat out of an aqueduct.
260
00:17:35,929 --> 00:17:37,138
The bastard.
261
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:40,475
Yes, and next time you go on
about the "bloody Romans" ...
262
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:44,062
-...don't forget you're one of them.
-I'm not a Roman, Mum.
263
00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:48,483
And I never will be.
I'm a kike, a yid, a hebe, a hooknose.
264
00:17:48,650 --> 00:17:53,529
I'm kosher, Mum. I'm a Red Sea
pedestrian and proud of it!
265
00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:00,745
Sex, sex, sex, that's all
they think about, huh?
266
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,623
Well, how are you then, officer?
267
00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:27,188
Ladies and gentlemen,
the next contest is between...
268
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:32,318
...Frank Goliath'
the Macedonian baby-crusher..
269
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:36,197
...and Boris Mineburg.
270
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:37,907
Thank you, madam.
271
00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:41,119
Larks, tongues. Wrens, livers.
272
00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:45,540
Chaftinch brains.
Jaguars, earlobes.
273
00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:48,376
Wolf-nipple chips. Get them
while they're hot. They're lovely.
274
00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:52,171
Dromedary pretzels, only half a dinar.
Tuscany fried bats...
275
00:18:52,339 --> 00:18:56,175
I do feel, Reg, that any
anti-imperialist group like ours...
276
00:18:56,343 --> 00:19:00,179
...must reflect such a divergence
of interest within its power base.
277
00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:04,058
-Agreed. Francis?
-Judith's point of view is very valid...
278
00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:05,810
...provided the movement
never forgets...
279
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:08,146
...it is the unalienable right
of every man...
280
00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:09,647
-Or woman.
-...or woman...
281
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,524
-...to rid himself--
-Or herself.
282
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:12,733
-Agreed.
-Thanks, brother.
283
00:19:12,901 --> 00:19:15,278
-Or sister.
-Or sister....
284
00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:17,822
Where was l?
285
00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:20,908
-I think you finished.
-Right.
286
00:19:21,076 --> 00:19:24,579
-lt is the birthright of every man--
-Or woman.
287
00:19:24,746 --> 00:19:27,165
Shut up about women, Stan.
You're putting us oft.
288
00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:30,168
Women have a perfect right to play
a part in our movement.
289
00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:32,587
Why are you always
on about women, Stan?
290
00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:35,089
I want to be one.
291
00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:37,550
What?
292
00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:39,927
I want to be a woman.
293
00:19:40,095 --> 00:19:44,557
From now on, I want you
all to call me Loretta.
294
00:19:44,725 --> 00:19:47,768
-What?
-lt's my right as a man.
295
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:51,772
Well, why do you want
to be Loretta, Stan?
296
00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:54,400
I want to have babies.
297
00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:56,277
You want to have babies?!
298
00:19:56,445 --> 00:19:59,113
lt's every man's right to have
babies if he wants them.
299
00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:02,408
-But you can't have babies.
-Don't you oppress me.
300
00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:06,078
I'm not oppressing you, Stan.
You haven't got a womb.
301
00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:10,625
Where's the fetus gonna gestate?
You gonna keep it in a box?
302
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:16,255
Here, I've got an idea.
Suppose you agree...
303
00:20:16,423 --> 00:20:18,257
...that he can't actually have babies...
304
00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:21,802
...not having a womb, which is
nobody's fault, not even the Romans, ...
305
00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:26,140
-...but he has the right to have babies.
-Good idea, Judith.
306
00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:30,478
We shall fight the oppressors for your
right to have babies, brother. Sister.
307
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:33,064
-What's the point?
-What?
308
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:38,653
Why fight for his right to have babies
when he can't have babies?
309
00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:43,908
lt is symbolic of our struggle
against oppression.
310
00:20:44,826 --> 00:20:47,536
Symbolic of his struggle
against reality.
311
00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:57,380
-Get out there. Get out.
-lt's dangerous out there.
312
00:21:20,028 --> 00:21:24,031
Larks, tongues. Otters, noses.
Ocelots, spleens.
313
00:21:24,199 --> 00:21:25,950
-Got any nuts?
-Haven't got any nuts.
314
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:27,702
I've got wrens, livers,
badgers, spleens--
315
00:21:27,869 --> 00:21:29,704
No, no, no.
316
00:21:29,913 --> 00:21:32,415
-Otters, noses?
-I don't want any Roman rubbish.
317
00:21:32,582 --> 00:21:35,710
-Why don't you sell proper food?
-Proper food?
318
00:21:35,877 --> 00:21:38,212
Yeah, not those
rich imperialist tidbits.
319
00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:41,507
Don't blame me.
I didn't ask to sell this.
320
00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:44,302
-All right, bag of otters, noses, then.
-Make it two.
321
00:21:44,469 --> 00:21:46,721
-Two.
-Thanks, Reg.
322
00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:49,557
-Are you the Judean People's Front?
-Fuck off.
323
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:53,519
-What?
-Judean People's Front.
324
00:21:53,687 --> 00:21:55,980
We're The People's Front of Judea.
325
00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:59,900
-Judean People's Front, God!
-Wankers.
326
00:22:02,070 --> 00:22:05,239
-Can I join your group?
-No, piss off.
327
00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:10,494
I didn't want to sell this. lt's only a job.
I hate the Romans as much as anybody.
328
00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:14,498
-Are you sure?
-Dead sure.
329
00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:16,417
I hate the Romans already.
330
00:22:16,585 --> 00:22:22,590
Listen, if you wanted to join the PFJ ,
you'd have to really hate the Romans.
331
00:22:22,758 --> 00:22:24,425
I do.
332
00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:28,095
-Oh, yeah, how much?
-A lot.
333
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:32,433
Right, you're in. Listen...
334
00:22:32,934 --> 00:22:37,355
...the only people we hate more than
Romans are the Judean People's Front.
335
00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:38,522
Splitters.
336
00:22:38,690 --> 00:22:40,608
And the Judean
Popular People's Front.
337
00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:42,109
-Oh, yeah.
-Splitters.
338
00:22:42,277 --> 00:22:44,945
-And the People's Front of Judea.
-Yeah. Splitters.
339
00:22:45,113 --> 00:22:47,573
-What?
-The People's Front of Judea. Splitters.
340
00:22:47,741 --> 00:22:50,576
We're the People's Front of Judea.
341
00:22:50,744 --> 00:22:55,539
-I thought we were the Popular Front.
-People's Front.
342
00:22:55,707 --> 00:22:58,751
Whatever happened
to the Popular Front, Reg?
343
00:22:58,919 --> 00:23:00,127
He's over there.
344
00:23:02,964 --> 00:23:05,424
Splitter!
345
00:23:12,599 --> 00:23:16,435
I think I'm about to have
a cardiac arrest.
346
00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:19,522
Absolutely dreadful.
347
00:23:34,830 --> 00:23:38,374
-What's your name?
-Brian. Brian Cohen.
348
00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:42,586
We may have a little job for you,
Brian.
349
00:24:37,225 --> 00:24:41,103
What's this then?
" Romanes eunt domus"?
350
00:24:41,271 --> 00:24:44,356
"People called Romanes'
they go the house"?
351
00:24:44,524 --> 00:24:47,151
lt says, "Romans go home."
352
00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:50,654
No, it doesn't.
What's Latin for Roman?
353
00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:52,490
-Come on.
-Romanus?
354
00:24:52,657 --> 00:24:53,991
-Goes like...?
-Anus?
355
00:24:54,159 --> 00:24:56,243
Vocative plural of anus is...?
356
00:24:56,411 --> 00:25:00,080
-Ani?
-Romani.
357
00:25:00,248 --> 00:25:02,583
-"Eunt'? What is eunt?
-Go.
358
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:08,088
-Conjugate the verb "to go."
-Ere, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.
359
00:25:08,256 --> 00:25:10,174
So eunt is...?
360
00:25:10,342 --> 00:25:13,010
Third person plural, present indicative.
"They go."
361
00:25:13,178 --> 00:25:18,265
But "Romans go home" is an order,
so you must use the...?
362
00:25:18,433 --> 00:25:20,768
-lmperative!
-Which is...?
363
00:25:21,770 --> 00:25:23,938
-Oh, -i.
-How many Romans?
364
00:25:24,147 --> 00:25:27,942
-Plural, plural. lte. lte.
-Ite .
365
00:25:28,735 --> 00:25:31,403
Domus? Nominative?
366
00:25:31,571 --> 00:25:35,449
"Go home ." This is motion
towards, isn't it, boy?
367
00:25:35,617 --> 00:25:39,286
Dative! Not dative'
not the dative, sir!
368
00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:43,082
The accusative! Accusative!
Domum, sir . Ad domum.
369
00:25:43,250 --> 00:25:46,126
-Except that domus takes the...?
-The locative, sir.
370
00:25:46,294 --> 00:25:47,461
-Which is...?
-Domum!
371
00:25:47,629 --> 00:25:49,880
Domum.
372
00:25:52,425 --> 00:25:53,592
-Understand?
-Yes, sir.
373
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:57,012
-Write that 100 times.
-Yes, sir. Thank you. Hail Caesar.
374
00:25:57,180 --> 00:25:59,974
lf it's not done by sunrise,
I'll cut your balls off.
375
00:26:00,141 --> 00:26:03,477
Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.
Hail Caesar and everything, sir.
376
00:26:25,834 --> 00:26:28,168
Finished.
377
00:26:28,336 --> 00:26:33,465
Right. Now, don't do it again.
378
00:26:56,281 --> 00:26:57,573
Hey. Bloody Romans.
379
00:27:32,734 --> 00:27:35,235
We get in through the underground
heating-system...
380
00:27:35,403 --> 00:27:38,072
...up through into the main
audience chamber here...
381
00:27:38,239 --> 00:27:40,783
...and Pilate's wife's bedroom
is here.
382
00:27:41,326 --> 00:27:43,744
Having grabbed his wife,
we inform Pilate...
383
00:27:43,912 --> 00:27:47,623
...that she is in our custody,
and forthwith issue our demands.
384
00:27:47,791 --> 00:27:50,250
-Any questions?
-What exactly are the demands?
385
00:27:50,460 --> 00:27:52,586
We're giving Pilate two days
to dismantle...
386
00:27:52,754 --> 00:27:55,047
...the entire
Roman imperialist state...
387
00:27:55,215 --> 00:27:57,800
...and if he doesn't agree
immediately, we execute her.
388
00:27:57,967 --> 00:28:00,219
-Cut her head off?
-Cut all her bits off.
389
00:28:00,428 --> 00:28:02,346
Send them back on the hour'
every hour.
390
00:28:02,514 --> 00:28:03,847
Show them we're not
to be trifled with.
391
00:28:04,015 --> 00:28:06,475
And of course, we point out
that they bear...
392
00:28:06,643 --> 00:28:08,811
...full responsibility
when we chop her up...
393
00:28:08,978 --> 00:28:12,439
...and that we shall not
submit to blackmail.
394
00:28:12,607 --> 00:28:14,441
No blackmail!
395
00:28:14,609 --> 00:28:18,529
They've bled us white, the bastards.
They've taken everything we had.
396
00:28:18,697 --> 00:28:22,116
And not just from us! From our fathers,
and from our fathers, fathers.
397
00:28:22,283 --> 00:28:24,493
-And from our fathers, fathers, fathers.
-Yeah.
398
00:28:24,661 --> 00:28:26,829
And our fathers, fathers'
fathers, fathers.
399
00:28:26,996 --> 00:28:28,622
All right, don't labor the point.
400
00:28:28,790 --> 00:28:32,042
And what have they ever
given us in return?
401
00:28:33,962 --> 00:28:35,629
The aqueduct?
402
00:28:36,256 --> 00:28:38,298
-What?
-The aqueduct.
403
00:28:38,466 --> 00:28:41,135
Yeah, they did give us that.
That's true, yeah.
404
00:28:41,302 --> 00:28:43,303
And the sanitation.
405
00:28:43,471 --> 00:28:46,807
Yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember
what the city used to be like.
406
00:28:46,975 --> 00:28:49,476
I'll grant you
the aqueduct and sanitation...
407
00:28:49,644 --> 00:28:51,019
...the two things
the Romans have done.
408
00:28:51,187 --> 00:28:53,689
-And the roads.
-Yeah, obviously the roads.
409
00:28:53,898 --> 00:28:56,191
I mean the roads go
without saying, don't they?
410
00:28:56,401 --> 00:28:58,652
But apart from sanitation,
aqueduct and roads--
411
00:28:58,820 --> 00:29:01,280
-lrrigation.
-Medicine.
412
00:29:01,448 --> 00:29:04,158
-Education.
-Yeah, yeah, all right, fair enough.
413
00:29:04,325 --> 00:29:06,326
And the wine.
414
00:29:07,412 --> 00:29:10,330
That's something we'd really miss'
Reg, if the Romans left.
415
00:29:10,498 --> 00:29:11,665
Public baths.
416
00:29:11,833 --> 00:29:14,168
lt's safe to walk in the streets
at night now.
417
00:29:14,335 --> 00:29:15,669
They know how to keep order.
418
00:29:15,837 --> 00:29:19,339
Let's face it, they're the only ones
who could in a place like this.
419
00:29:20,508 --> 00:29:22,426
All right, but apart from sanitation...
420
00:29:22,594 --> 00:29:25,220
...medicine, education'
wine, public order...
421
00:29:25,430 --> 00:29:29,016
...irrigation, roads, the fresh-water
system and public health...
422
00:29:29,184 --> 00:29:32,686
...what have the Romans
ever done for us?
423
00:29:32,854 --> 00:29:37,983
-Brought peace?
-Peace. Shut up!
424
00:29:47,702 --> 00:29:52,414
I'm a poor man. My sight is poor.
My legs are old and bented.
425
00:29:52,582 --> 00:29:57,044
-lt's all right, Matthias.
-lt's all clear.
426
00:30:04,344 --> 00:30:06,512
Well, where's Reg?
427
00:30:07,263 --> 00:30:10,891
Reg. Reg. lt's Judith.
428
00:30:11,059 --> 00:30:14,728
-What went wrong?
-The first blow has been struck.
429
00:30:15,021 --> 00:30:17,731
-Did he finish the slogan?
-100 times.
430
00:30:17,899 --> 00:30:22,027
ln letters 10 foot high,
all the way around the palace.
431
00:30:22,195 --> 00:30:24,071
Oh, great.
432
00:30:24,239 --> 00:30:27,241
Great. We need doers
in our movement...
433
00:30:27,408 --> 00:30:29,952
...Brian, but before you join us,
know this:
434
00:30:30,119 --> 00:30:32,579
There is not one of us who would not
gladly die...
435
00:30:32,747 --> 00:30:35,082
...to rid this country of the Romans.
436
00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:37,251
Well, one.
437
00:30:37,418 --> 00:30:39,002
Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's one.
438
00:30:39,170 --> 00:30:41,255
But otherwise, we're solid.
Are you with us?
439
00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:43,257
Yes.
440
00:30:44,259 --> 00:30:48,971
From now on, you shall be called,
"Brian, that is called Brian."
441
00:30:49,138 --> 00:30:51,431
Tell him about the raid
on Pilate's palace, Francis.
442
00:30:51,599 --> 00:30:53,934
Right. This is the plan:
443
00:30:54,936 --> 00:30:57,604
Now, this is the palace
in Caesar's Square .
444
00:30:57,772 --> 00:31:00,482
Our commando unit will approach
from Fish Street...
445
00:31:00,817 --> 00:31:03,944
...and make our way
to the northwestern main drain.
446
00:31:04,112 --> 00:31:08,490
If questioned, we are sewage workers
on our way to a conference.
447
00:31:08,658 --> 00:31:11,827
Reg, our glorious leader
and founder of the PFJ ...
448
00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:15,455
...will be coordinating consultant
at the drain head...
449
00:31:15,623 --> 00:31:17,624
...though he will not be taking part...
450
00:31:17,792 --> 00:31:20,127
...in any terrorist action,
as he has a bad back.
451
00:31:20,295 --> 00:31:22,921
-Aren't you gonna come with us?
-Solidarity, brother.
452
00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:25,799
Oh, yes. Solidarity, Reg.
453
00:31:25,967 --> 00:31:29,011
Once in the sewer,
timing will be of the essence.
454
00:31:29,178 --> 00:31:31,972
There is a Roman feast later,
so we must move fast. ΄.
455
00:31:32,140 --> 00:31:34,641
...and don't wear your best sandals.
456
00:31:34,809 --> 00:31:38,979
Turning left here, we enter
the Caesar Augustus Memorial Sewer.
457
00:31:39,147 --> 00:31:41,648
And from there proceed directly
to the hypocaust.
458
00:31:41,816 --> 00:31:43,275
This has just been re-tiled.
459
00:31:43,443 --> 00:31:46,862
So terrorists,
careful with those weapons.
460
00:31:47,071 --> 00:31:50,574
We will now be directly beneath
Pilate's audience chamber itself.
461
00:31:50,742 --> 00:31:54,828
This is the moment
for Habakkuk to get out his prong.
462
00:33:13,241 --> 00:33:14,783
Campaign for Free Galilee.
463
00:33:16,744 --> 00:33:18,954
People's Front of Judea. Ofticials.
464
00:33:20,748 --> 00:33:24,584
-What's your group doing here?
-We're gonna kidnap Pilate's wife.
465
00:33:24,752 --> 00:33:26,086
-So are we.
-What?
466
00:33:26,254 --> 00:33:27,921
That's our plan.
467
00:33:28,089 --> 00:33:29,965
-We were here first.
-What do you mean?
468
00:33:30,174 --> 00:33:32,050
-We thought of it first.
-Oh, yeah?
469
00:33:32,218 --> 00:33:34,302
Yes, a couple of years ago.
470
00:33:34,470 --> 00:33:37,431
-We did.
-You got all your demands worked out?
471
00:33:37,598 --> 00:33:39,599
-Of course we have.
-What are they?
472
00:33:39,767 --> 00:33:42,227
-Well, I'm not telling you.
-Pull the other one.
473
00:33:42,395 --> 00:33:44,896
That's not the point.
We thought of it before you.
474
00:33:45,064 --> 00:33:46,106
-Did not.
-We did.
475
00:33:46,274 --> 00:33:48,483
-You didn't.
-We bloody did!
476
00:33:48,693 --> 00:33:50,819
Bastards, we've been
planning this for months.
477
00:33:50,987 --> 00:33:53,071
Well, tough titty for you, fish-face.
478
00:33:53,239 --> 00:33:55,115
-All right.
-Why you sly--
479
00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:57,951
Brothers! Brothers!
We should be struggling together!
480
00:33:58,119 --> 00:34:00,287
We are.
481
00:34:00,455 --> 00:34:01,747
We mustn't fight each other!
482
00:34:01,914 --> 00:34:05,125
Surely, we should be united
against the common enemy!
483
00:34:05,460 --> 00:34:07,335
The Judean People's Front?!
484
00:34:07,503 --> 00:34:10,130
No, no, the Romans!
485
00:34:10,298 --> 00:34:12,632
-Oh, yeah.
-Yes.
486
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:14,342
-Yeah, he's right.
-Look out!
487
00:34:14,510 --> 00:34:16,219
Careful.
488
00:34:21,309 --> 00:34:23,435
-Right! Where were we?
-You were gonna punch me.
489
00:34:23,603 --> 00:34:24,895
Oh, yeah!
490
00:34:48,002 --> 00:34:49,795
Brothers!
491
00:34:49,962 --> 00:34:52,130
Get off!
492
00:35:51,566 --> 00:35:55,235
-You lucky bastard.
-Who's that?
493
00:35:55,403 --> 00:35:58,738
-You lucky, lucky bastard.
-What?
494
00:35:58,906 --> 00:36:02,075
-Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we?
-What do you mean?
495
00:36:02,243 --> 00:36:04,828
You must have slipped him
a few shekels, eh?
496
00:36:04,996 --> 00:36:07,956
Slipped him a few shekels?
You saw him spit in my face!
497
00:36:08,124 --> 00:36:12,085
What wouldn't I give
to be spat at in the face?
498
00:36:12,253 --> 00:36:16,965
I sometimes hang awake at night,
dreaming of being spat at in the face .
499
00:36:17,133 --> 00:36:19,926
Well, it's not exactly friendly.
They had me in manacles!
500
00:36:20,094 --> 00:36:22,095
Manacles!
501
00:36:22,763 --> 00:36:24,055
My idea of heaven...
502
00:36:24,223 --> 00:36:28,351
...is to be allowed to be put in manacles
just for a few hours.
503
00:36:28,519 --> 00:36:32,606
They must think the sun shines
out of your arse, sonny.
504
00:36:32,773 --> 00:36:34,691
Lay off me, I've had a hard time!
505
00:36:34,859 --> 00:36:37,777
You've had a hard time?
I've been here five years...
506
00:36:37,945 --> 00:36:41,448
...they only hung me the right way up
yesterday! So don't you come around--
507
00:36:41,616 --> 00:36:42,866
All right, all right.
508
00:36:43,409 --> 00:36:47,662
They must think
you're Lord God almighty.
509
00:36:47,872 --> 00:36:49,414
What will they do to me?
510
00:36:49,582 --> 00:36:51,625
You'll probably get away
with crucifixion.
511
00:36:51,959 --> 00:36:54,794
-Crucifixion?!
-Yeah. First offense .
512
00:36:54,962 --> 00:36:58,840
-Get away with crucifixion?! lt's--
-Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
513
00:36:59,008 --> 00:37:00,258
-What?!
-Oh, yeah.
514
00:37:00,426 --> 00:37:03,303
lf we didn't have crucifixion'
this country would be a mess.
515
00:37:03,638 --> 00:37:06,306
-Guard!
-Nail them up, I say!
516
00:37:06,474 --> 00:37:09,476
-Guard!
-Nail some sense into them!
517
00:37:10,269 --> 00:37:14,856
-What do you want?
-I want you to move me to another cell.
518
00:37:15,316 --> 00:37:18,360
Oh, look at that! Bloody favoritism!
519
00:37:18,694 --> 00:37:21,321
-Shut up, you.
-Sorry.
520
00:37:24,450 --> 00:37:27,035
Now, take my case.
They hung me up here five years ago.
521
00:37:27,203 --> 00:37:29,371
Every night they take me down
for 20 minutes...
522
00:37:29,538 --> 00:37:30,830
...then they hang me up again.
523
00:37:30,998 --> 00:37:33,833
Which I regard as very fair
in view of what I've done.
524
00:37:34,168 --> 00:37:38,797
And if nothing else, it's taught me
to respect the Romans...
525
00:37:38,965 --> 00:37:42,509
...and it's taught me that
you'll never get anywhere in this life...
526
00:37:42,677 --> 00:37:47,180
...unless you are prepared to do
a fair day's work for a fair day's--
527
00:37:47,348 --> 00:37:49,849
Shut up!
528
00:37:51,352 --> 00:37:53,561
-Pilate wants to see you!
-Me?
529
00:37:53,729 --> 00:37:54,729
Come on!
530
00:37:54,897 --> 00:37:56,690
Pilate? What does he want
to see me for?
531
00:37:56,857 --> 00:38:00,568
I think he wants to know which
way you ought to be crucified.
532
00:38:02,154 --> 00:38:04,906
-Nice one, centurion. Like it, like it.
-Shut up!
533
00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:07,158
Right. Right.
534
00:38:08,244 --> 00:38:12,038
Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific.
535
00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:31,016
-Hail Caesar.
-Hail.
536
00:38:31,183 --> 00:38:33,435
Only one survivor, sir.
537
00:38:33,602 --> 00:38:35,395
Throw him to the floor.
538
00:38:35,563 --> 00:38:39,566
-What, sir?
-Throw him to the floor.
539
00:38:43,487 --> 00:38:46,740
Now, what is your name, Jew?
540
00:38:47,366 --> 00:38:49,743
-Brian, sir.
-Brian, eh?
541
00:38:49,910 --> 00:38:51,745
No, no, Brian.
542
00:38:54,415 --> 00:38:56,958
The little rascal has spirit.
543
00:38:57,126 --> 00:38:59,085
-Has what, sir?
-Spirit.
544
00:38:59,253 --> 00:39:01,254
Yes, he did, sir.
545
00:39:01,422 --> 00:39:06,634
No, no, spirit.
Bravado, a touch of derring-do.
546
00:39:07,261 --> 00:39:10,221
About 11, sir.
547
00:39:11,140 --> 00:39:12,807
So....
548
00:39:13,559 --> 00:39:16,102
-You dare to raid us?
-To what, sir?
549
00:39:16,270 --> 00:39:20,106
Strike him, centurion, very roughly.
550
00:39:20,274 --> 00:39:22,942
And throw him to the floor, sir?
551
00:39:23,110 --> 00:39:25,111
-What?
-Throw him to the floor again, sir?
552
00:39:25,279 --> 00:39:28,531
Oh, yes. Throw him to the floor,
please.
553
00:39:30,076 --> 00:39:33,370
Now, Jewish rapscallion....
554
00:39:33,746 --> 00:39:35,622
I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman.
555
00:39:35,956 --> 00:39:38,541
-A Roman?
-No, no, Roman.
556
00:39:40,461 --> 00:39:44,005
So your father was a Roman?
557
00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:45,632
Who was he?
558
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:49,677
He was a centurion
in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.
559
00:39:49,845 --> 00:39:51,513
Really?
560
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:56,184
-What was his name?
-Naughtius Maximus.
561
00:39:58,813 --> 00:40:02,857
Centurion, do you have anyone
of that name in the garrison?
562
00:40:03,192 --> 00:40:04,984
Well, no, sir.
563
00:40:05,152 --> 00:40:07,987
Well, you sound very sure.
Have you checked?
564
00:40:08,155 --> 00:40:11,991
Well, no, sir. I think it's a joke, sir.
565
00:40:12,159 --> 00:40:17,622
Like "Sillius Soddus"
or "Biggus Dickus," sir.
566
00:40:17,873 --> 00:40:22,335
What's so funny
about Biggus Dickus?
567
00:40:22,670 --> 00:40:25,588
Well, it's a joke name, sir.
568
00:40:26,215 --> 00:40:30,218
I have a very great friend in Rome
called Biggus Dickus.
569
00:40:32,012 --> 00:40:34,889
Silence! What is all this insolence?
570
00:40:35,099 --> 00:40:38,476
You will find yourself
in gladiator school very quickly...
571
00:40:38,644 --> 00:40:40,520
...with rotten behavior like that.
572
00:40:40,688 --> 00:40:43,356
Can I go now, sir?
573
00:40:44,692 --> 00:40:47,152
Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this.
574
00:40:47,319 --> 00:40:50,405
-Right! Take him away!
-Sir, he--
575
00:40:50,614 --> 00:40:53,575
No, no, I want him fighting
rabid wild animals within a week!
576
00:40:53,742 --> 00:40:57,203
Yes, sir. Come on, you.
577
00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:05,378
I will not have my friends ridiculed
by the common soldiery!
578
00:41:07,214 --> 00:41:10,550
Anybody else feel like a little...
579
00:41:10,718 --> 00:41:12,218
...giggle...
580
00:41:12,386 --> 00:41:15,555
...when I mention my friend...
581
00:41:16,015 --> 00:41:18,016
...Biggus...
582
00:41:19,226 --> 00:41:21,186
...Dickus?
583
00:41:24,398 --> 00:41:25,899
And what about you?
584
00:41:26,066 --> 00:41:29,569
Do you find it risible...
585
00:41:31,238 --> 00:41:34,616
...when I say the name...
586
00:41:34,783 --> 00:41:36,868
...Biggus...
587
00:41:38,162 --> 00:41:40,079
...Dickus?
588
00:41:58,682 --> 00:42:01,935
He has a wife, you know.
589
00:42:02,478 --> 00:42:05,563
You know what she's called?
590
00:42:07,608 --> 00:42:09,609
She's called...
591
00:42:09,777 --> 00:42:12,111
...lncontinentia.
592
00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:16,616
lncontinentia Buttocks. Shut up!
593
00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:18,326
What is all this?
594
00:42:18,494 --> 00:42:22,121
I've had enough of this rowdy-rebel,
sniggering behavior!
595
00:42:22,289 --> 00:42:25,542
Silence!
You call yourselves centurion guards?
596
00:42:25,709 --> 00:42:29,462
Seize him! Seize him!
Blow your noses and seize him!
597
00:44:27,122 --> 00:44:30,708
You lucky bastard.
598
00:44:45,599 --> 00:44:48,768
And the beast's head
shall be huge and black...
599
00:44:48,936 --> 00:44:53,523
...and the eyes. They're of red,
with the blood of living creatures!
600
00:44:53,941 --> 00:44:59,654
And the whore of Babylon shall ride
forth on a three-headed serpent...
601
00:44:59,863 --> 00:45:04,992
...and throughout the land
shall be a great rubbing of parts.
602
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:09,330
And the demon shall bear
a nine-bladed sword!
603
00:45:09,498 --> 00:45:13,918
Nine-bladed! Not two
or five or seven, but nine!
604
00:45:14,086 --> 00:45:16,546
Which he will wield
on all wretched sinners.
605
00:45:16,714 --> 00:45:18,798
Sinners just like you, sir, there.
606
00:45:18,966 --> 00:45:23,136
-And the horns shall be on the head...
-Through Hebediah, his servant...
607
00:45:23,303 --> 00:45:28,307
...there shall in that time be rumors
of things going astray...
608
00:45:28,475 --> 00:45:32,979
...and there shall be a great confusion
as to where things really are.
609
00:45:33,147 --> 00:45:37,275
And nobody will really know
where lieth those little things...
610
00:45:37,443 --> 00:45:41,988
...with the sort of raffia-work base'
that has an attachment.
611
00:45:42,322 --> 00:45:47,493
At this time, a friend shall
lose his friend's hammer...
612
00:45:47,661 --> 00:45:50,663
...and the young shall not
know where lieth...
613
00:45:50,831 --> 00:45:52,832
...the things possessed
by their fathers...
614
00:45:53,000 --> 00:45:56,753
...that their fathers put there only
just the night before, about 8:00 .
615
00:45:56,920 --> 00:45:59,839
Yea, it is written
in the Book of Cyril..
616
00:46:00,007 --> 00:46:03,718
...that in that time shall the turds...
617
00:46:12,227 --> 00:46:14,187
-How much? Quickly.
-What?
618
00:46:14,354 --> 00:46:17,857
-lt's for the wife .
-Twenty shekels.
619
00:46:18,025 --> 00:46:19,484
-Right.
-What?
620
00:46:19,651 --> 00:46:21,360
-There you are.
-Wait a minute.
621
00:46:21,528 --> 00:46:23,738
-What?
-Well, we're supposed to haggle.
622
00:46:23,947 --> 00:46:25,740
-No, I've got to--
-What do you mean, "No"?
623
00:46:25,949 --> 00:46:27,408
-I haven't got time--
-Give it back.
624
00:46:27,576 --> 00:46:29,368
-No, no, no, I just paid you.
-Burt.
625
00:46:29,536 --> 00:46:31,579
-Yeah?
-This bloke won't haggle.
626
00:46:31,747 --> 00:46:34,415
-Won't haggle?!
-All right, do we have to?
627
00:46:34,583 --> 00:46:37,376
-Now look, I want 20 for that.
-I just gave you 20.
628
00:46:37,544 --> 00:46:40,004
-Are you telling me that's not worth 20?
-No.
629
00:46:40,172 --> 00:46:42,548
Look. Feel the quality,
that's none of your goat.
630
00:46:42,716 --> 00:46:45,551
-All right, I'll give you 19 .
-No, come on, do it properly.
631
00:46:45,719 --> 00:46:48,346
-What?
-Haggle properly, this isn't worth 19.
632
00:46:48,514 --> 00:46:51,224
-Well, you just said it was worth 20.
-Oh, dear, oh, dear.
633
00:46:51,391 --> 00:46:53,559
-Come on, haggle.
-All right, I'll give you 10.
634
00:46:53,727 --> 00:46:57,021
That's more like it.
Ten? Are you trying to insult me?
635
00:46:57,189 --> 00:47:00,066
Me, with a poor,
dying grandmother? Ten?
636
00:47:00,234 --> 00:47:03,027
-All right, I'll give you 11.
-Now you're getting it. 11?!
637
00:47:03,195 --> 00:47:04,904
Did I hear you right? 11?
638
00:47:05,072 --> 00:47:07,907
-This cost me 12, you want to ruin me?
-Seventeen?
639
00:47:08,075 --> 00:47:10,743
-No, no, no, no, "17"!
-Eighteen?
640
00:47:10,911 --> 00:47:13,913
-No, no, you go to 14 now.
-All right, I'll give you 14.
641
00:47:14,081 --> 00:47:17,124
-Fourteen!? Are you joking?
-That's what you told me to say!
642
00:47:17,292 --> 00:47:19,502
-Oh, dear.
-Tell me what to say, please!
643
00:47:20,671 --> 00:47:22,588
-Offer me 14.
-I'll give you 14.
644
00:47:22,756 --> 00:47:25,758
-He's oftering me 14 for this!
-Fifteen!
645
00:47:25,926 --> 00:47:29,136
Seventeen. My last word, I won't take
a penny less, or strike me dead.
646
00:47:29,304 --> 00:47:31,013
-Sixteen.
-Done.
647
00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:33,099
Nice to do business with you.
648
00:47:33,267 --> 00:47:35,601
-I'll throw you in this as well.
-I don't want it.
649
00:47:35,769 --> 00:47:37,395
-Burt.
-Yeah.
650
00:47:37,563 --> 00:47:39,605
-All right.
-Now, where's the 16 you owe me?
651
00:47:39,773 --> 00:47:40,940
I just gave you 20.
652
00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:43,943
-That's right, that's four I owe you.
-No, that's all right.
653
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,280
-No, I've got it here.
-lt's all right, that's four for the gourd.
654
00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:49,949
Four? For this gourd? Four!?
655
00:47:50,117 --> 00:47:52,285
lt's worth 10
if it's worth a shekel!
656
00:47:52,452 --> 00:47:55,621
-You just gave it to me for nothing.
-Yes, but it's worth 10.
657
00:47:55,956 --> 00:47:57,456
All right, all right.
658
00:48:00,168 --> 00:48:03,462
No, no, no, no, it's not worth 10,
you're supposed to argue.
659
00:48:03,630 --> 00:48:06,132
"Ten for that? You must be mad!"
660
00:48:08,886 --> 00:48:12,221
Oh, well. One born every minute.
661
00:48:12,639 --> 00:48:14,307
-Daniel.
-Daniel.
662
00:48:14,474 --> 00:48:15,600
-Job.
-Job.
663
00:48:15,767 --> 00:48:17,268
-Job.
-Joshua.
664
00:48:17,436 --> 00:48:18,644
-Joshua.
-Joshua.
665
00:48:18,812 --> 00:48:19,979
-Judges.
-Judges.
666
00:48:20,147 --> 00:48:21,772
-Judges.
-And Brian.
667
00:48:21,940 --> 00:48:24,358
-And Brian.
-And Brian.
668
00:48:24,568 --> 00:48:28,362
I now propose that all seven
of these ex-brothers...
669
00:48:28,572 --> 00:48:31,824
...be now entered in the minutes
as probationary martyrs to the cause.
670
00:48:31,992 --> 00:48:35,661
-I second that, Reg.
-Thank you, Loretta. On the nod.
671
00:48:35,829 --> 00:48:39,832
Siblings, let us not be down on it.
672
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:44,837
One total catastrophe like this
is just the beginning!
673
00:48:45,005 --> 00:48:47,924
Their glorious deaths
shall unite us all in a--
674
00:48:48,091 --> 00:48:50,301
Look out!
675
00:49:01,188 --> 00:49:02,855
Hello?
676
00:49:03,023 --> 00:49:04,732
Matthias?
677
00:49:05,484 --> 00:49:08,527
-Reg.
-Go away.
678
00:49:09,029 --> 00:49:13,074
-Reg, it's me, Brian.
-Get off. Get off out of it.
679
00:49:13,241 --> 00:49:14,492
-Stan?
-Piss off.
680
00:49:14,660 --> 00:49:17,119
-Yeah, piss off.
-Bugger off.
681
00:49:20,332 --> 00:49:22,291
Shit!
682
00:49:22,459 --> 00:49:24,377
Coming.
683
00:49:29,091 --> 00:49:32,718
Yea, verily at that time, which is written
in the Book of Obadiah...
684
00:49:32,886 --> 00:49:37,223
...a man shall strike his donkey
and his nephew's donkey...
685
00:49:37,391 --> 00:49:40,643
...and anyone in the vicinity
of either the nephew or the donkey.
686
00:49:40,811 --> 00:49:44,105
My eyes are dim, I cannot see.
687
00:49:44,272 --> 00:49:46,107
-Are you Matthias?
-Yes.
688
00:49:46,274 --> 00:49:49,026
We believe you may
be hiding one Brian of Nazareth...
689
00:49:49,194 --> 00:49:52,530
...member of the terrorist organization
the People's Front of Judea.
690
00:49:52,698 --> 00:49:57,410
Me? No, I'm just a poor old man'
I have no time for lawbreakers.
691
00:49:57,577 --> 00:50:01,789
My legs are gray, my ears are nulled,
my eyes are old and bent--
692
00:50:01,957 --> 00:50:03,207
Quiet!
693
00:50:03,375 --> 00:50:07,586
Silly person.
Guards, search the house.
694
00:50:16,930 --> 00:50:19,223
You know the penalty laid down
by Roman law...
695
00:50:19,391 --> 00:50:21,434
...for harboring a known criminal?
696
00:50:21,601 --> 00:50:24,812
-No.
-Crucifixion.
697
00:50:26,273 --> 00:50:29,775
-Nasty, eh?
-lt could be worse.
698
00:50:29,943 --> 00:50:34,280
-What do you mean, "could be worse"?
-Well, you could be stabbed.
699
00:50:34,448 --> 00:50:36,323
Stabbed? lt takes a second.
700
00:50:36,491 --> 00:50:40,911
Crucifixion lasts hours.
lt's a slow, horrible death.
701
00:50:41,079 --> 00:50:44,915
Well, at least it gets you
out in the open air.
702
00:50:45,083 --> 00:50:47,710
You're weird.
703
00:50:54,760 --> 00:50:57,845
No, sir, couldn't find anything, sir.
704
00:50:58,013 --> 00:51:02,183
Well, don't worry, you've not seen
the last of us, weirdo.
705
00:51:02,350 --> 00:51:04,852
-Big nose.
-Watch it!
706
00:51:08,023 --> 00:51:10,357
That was lucky.
707
00:51:13,195 --> 00:51:17,114
-I'm sorry, Reg.
-Oh, it's all right. Siblings, he's sorry.
708
00:51:17,282 --> 00:51:19,992
He's sorry he led the Fifth legion
to our headquarters.
709
00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:21,827
Well, that's all right then, Brian.
710
00:51:21,995 --> 00:51:25,122
Sit down! Have a scone.
Make yourself at home.
711
00:51:25,290 --> 00:51:26,832
You klutz!
712
00:51:27,000 --> 00:51:32,254
You stupid, birdbrained, flat-headed--
713
00:51:35,092 --> 00:51:37,551
--with a great juicy melon behind.
714
00:51:39,137 --> 00:51:42,556
My legs are old and bent'
my ears are grizzled, yes?
715
00:51:42,766 --> 00:51:45,851
There's one place we didn't look.
Guards!
716
00:51:46,019 --> 00:51:48,896
I'm just a poor old man,
my sight is dim...
717
00:51:49,064 --> 00:51:52,233
...my eyes are poor,
my nose is knackered.
718
00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:57,530
-Have you ever seen anyone crucified?
-Crucifixion's a doddle.
719
00:51:57,697 --> 00:52:00,574
Don't keep saying that.
720
00:52:04,079 --> 00:52:06,372
Found this spoon, sir.
721
00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:09,208
Well done, sergeant.
722
00:52:09,376 --> 00:52:13,420
We'll be back, oddball.
723
00:52:16,216 --> 00:52:19,552
-Open up.
-You haven't given us time to hide.
724
00:52:44,119 --> 00:52:48,914
Don't pass judgment on other people'
or you might get judged yourself.
725
00:52:49,082 --> 00:52:50,124
What?
726
00:52:50,333 --> 00:52:52,710
I said, don't pass judgment
on other people...
727
00:52:52,878 --> 00:52:55,546
...or else you might get judged too.
728
00:52:55,714 --> 00:52:57,047
-Who, me?
-Yes.
729
00:52:57,215 --> 00:53:00,801
-Thank you very much.
-Well, not just you, all of you.
730
00:53:00,969 --> 00:53:03,220
-That's a nice gourd.
-What?
731
00:53:03,388 --> 00:53:05,598
-How much do you want for the gourd?
-You can have it.
732
00:53:05,765 --> 00:53:08,434
-Have it?
-Yes. Consider the lilies.
733
00:53:08,602 --> 00:53:10,811
-Don't you want to haggle?
-No. ln the field.
734
00:53:10,979 --> 00:53:13,147
-What's wrong with it, then?
-Nothing, take it.
735
00:53:13,315 --> 00:53:16,275
-Consider the lilies?
-Well, the birds, then.
736
00:53:16,443 --> 00:53:17,985
-What birds?
-Any birds.
737
00:53:18,153 --> 00:53:21,280
-Why?
-Well, have they got jobs?
738
00:53:21,448 --> 00:53:22,990
-Who?
-The birds.
739
00:53:23,158 --> 00:53:24,992
Have the birds got jobs?!
740
00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:28,120
-What's the matter with him?
-He says the birds are scrounging.
741
00:53:28,288 --> 00:53:31,624
No, the point is the birds'
they do all right, don't they?
742
00:53:31,791 --> 00:53:34,501
-Well, and good luck to them!
-Yeah, they're very pretty.
743
00:53:34,669 --> 00:53:38,797
Okay. And you're much more
important than they are, right?
744
00:53:38,965 --> 00:53:41,383
So, what are you worrying about?
There you are! See?
745
00:53:41,760 --> 00:53:44,136
I'm worrying about what
you've got against birds.
746
00:53:44,638 --> 00:53:47,139
I haven't got anything against birds.
Consider lilies--
747
00:53:47,307 --> 00:53:50,351
-He's having a go at the flowers now.
-Give the flowers a chance .
748
00:53:50,518 --> 00:53:52,645
-I'll give you one for it.
-lt's yours!
749
00:53:52,812 --> 00:53:54,104
Two then.
750
00:53:54,272 --> 00:53:56,899
Look, there was this man,
and he had two servants--
751
00:53:57,067 --> 00:53:58,150
-What were they called?
-What?
752
00:53:58,318 --> 00:54:00,486
-What were their names?
-I don't know.
753
00:54:00,654 --> 00:54:02,112
And he gave them some talents--
754
00:54:02,280 --> 00:54:04,657
-You don't know?
-Well, it doesn't matter.
755
00:54:04,824 --> 00:54:06,784
He doesn't know
what they were called!
756
00:54:06,952 --> 00:54:09,036
Oh, they were called
Simon and Adrian. Now--
757
00:54:09,204 --> 00:54:10,621
You said you didn't know!
758
00:54:10,789 --> 00:54:13,457
lt doesn't matter,
the point is there were two servants--
759
00:54:13,625 --> 00:54:16,502
-He's making it up as he goes along!
-No, I'm not!
760
00:54:16,670 --> 00:54:19,004
And he gave them--
Wait a minute, were there three?
761
00:54:19,172 --> 00:54:21,507
-He's terrible.
-There were three--
762
00:54:21,675 --> 00:54:25,010
-He's still a traitor!
-Oh, get off!
763
00:54:30,934 --> 00:54:33,852
Now hear this. Blessed are they...
764
00:54:34,020 --> 00:54:38,565
...who convert their neighbor's ox,
for they shall inhibit their girth.
765
00:54:38,733 --> 00:54:44,029
-Rubbish!
-And to them only shall be given....
766
00:54:44,197 --> 00:54:46,448
To them only...
767
00:54:47,242 --> 00:54:50,369
...shall be given...
768
00:54:52,205 --> 00:54:53,831
What?
769
00:54:53,999 --> 00:54:56,875
-Shall be given what?
-Oh, nothing.
770
00:54:57,043 --> 00:54:58,711
-What were you going to say?
-Nothing.
771
00:54:58,878 --> 00:55:01,046
-You were going to say something.
-I finished.
772
00:55:01,214 --> 00:55:03,549
-Oh, no, no.
-Come on, tell us before you go.
773
00:55:03,717 --> 00:55:05,718
-I wasn't going to say anything.
-No, you hadn't.
774
00:55:05,885 --> 00:55:07,761
-What won't he tell us?
-He won't say.
775
00:55:07,971 --> 00:55:09,388
-ls it a secret?
-No.
776
00:55:09,556 --> 00:55:11,557
-ls it?
-lt must be, otherwise he'd tell us.
777
00:55:11,725 --> 00:55:13,225
-Tell us.
-Leave me alone.
778
00:55:13,393 --> 00:55:15,894
-What is the secret?
-ls it the secret of eternal life?
779
00:55:16,062 --> 00:55:17,104
He won't say!
780
00:55:17,272 --> 00:55:19,773
lf I knew the secret
of eternal life, I wouldn't say.
781
00:55:19,983 --> 00:55:21,775
-Leave me alone.
-Just tell me, please.
782
00:55:21,985 --> 00:55:24,445
-No, tell us, master, we were here first.
-Rubbish!
783
00:55:24,612 --> 00:55:26,363
-Five!
-Go away!
784
00:55:26,531 --> 00:55:28,407
-Tell us, master.
-I can't go above 5.
785
00:55:28,575 --> 00:55:31,535
-ls that his gourd?
-Yes, but it's under offer.
786
00:55:31,703 --> 00:55:34,913
-This is his gourd.
-Ten!
787
00:55:35,081 --> 00:55:40,252
lt is his gourd.
We will carry it for you, master.
788
00:55:40,420 --> 00:55:42,087
Master?
789
00:55:42,255 --> 00:55:45,632
He's gone. He's been taken up.
790
00:55:45,800 --> 00:55:49,261
-Oh, he has been taken up!
-Eighteen!
791
00:55:49,429 --> 00:55:51,138
No, there he is. Over there .
792
00:56:17,248 --> 00:56:19,083
Look!
793
00:56:19,667 --> 00:56:23,629
-He has given us a sign.
-He has given us his shoe.
794
00:56:23,797 --> 00:56:26,590
The shoe is the sign!
Let us follow his example!
795
00:56:26,758 --> 00:56:29,343
-What?
-Let us, like him...
796
00:56:29,552 --> 00:56:32,137
...hold up one shoe and let the other
be upon our foot...
797
00:56:32,305 --> 00:56:35,682
...for this is his sign that all who
follow him shall do likewise!
798
00:56:35,850 --> 00:56:40,979
No, no, the shoe is a sign that we must
gather shoes together in abundance.
799
00:56:41,147 --> 00:56:45,984
-Cast off the shoes. Follow the gourd!
-No, let us gather shoes together.
800
00:56:46,152 --> 00:56:47,694
-Let me!
-Oh, get off!
801
00:56:47,862 --> 00:56:49,988
No, it is a sign that, like him,
we must think...
802
00:56:50,156 --> 00:56:52,991
...not of the things of the body,
but of the face and head!
803
00:56:53,159 --> 00:56:56,036
-Give me your shoe!
-Get off!
804
00:56:56,204 --> 00:56:59,373
Follow the gourd,
the holy gourd of Jerusalem!
805
00:56:59,582 --> 00:57:02,501
-The gourd!
-Hold up the sandal, like he has--
806
00:57:02,669 --> 00:57:05,379
-lt is a shoe! lt is a shoe!
-lt's a sandal!
807
00:57:05,588 --> 00:57:08,549
-No, it isn't! lt is a shoe!
-Cast it away!
808
00:57:08,716 --> 00:57:10,175
-Put it on!
-Now clear off.
809
00:57:10,343 --> 00:57:12,469
Take the shoes and follow him!
810
00:57:12,637 --> 00:57:17,975
Come all ye who call
yourselves Gourdenes.
811
00:57:18,893 --> 00:57:20,686
Stop, I say.
812
00:57:20,854 --> 00:57:24,314
Stop. Let us...
813
00:57:24,482 --> 00:57:26,525
Let us pray.
814
00:57:26,693 --> 00:57:33,157
Yea, he cometh to us
like the seed to the grave...
815
00:57:54,888 --> 00:57:58,056
Master!
816
00:58:19,746 --> 00:58:23,790
Hey, is there another way down?
817
00:58:23,958 --> 00:58:27,794
ls there another path
down to the river?
818
00:58:27,962 --> 00:58:30,088
Please, please, help me!
I've got to get--
819
00:58:34,177 --> 00:58:36,803
My foot!
820
00:58:36,971 --> 00:58:40,599
-Damn! Damn! Damn!
-I'm sorry.
821
00:58:40,767 --> 00:58:44,311
-Damn! Damn and blast it!
-I'm sorry!
822
00:58:44,479 --> 00:58:48,774
Don't you shush me. Eighteen years
of total silence , and you shush me.
823
00:58:48,942 --> 00:58:52,277
-What?
-I've kept my vow for 18 years.
824
00:58:52,445 --> 00:58:56,490
Not a single recognizable,
articulate sound has passed my lips.
825
00:58:56,699 --> 00:58:58,742
Please be quiet
for another five minutes.
826
00:58:58,910 --> 00:59:01,620
lt doesn't matter now,
I might as well enjoy myself.
827
00:59:01,788 --> 00:59:05,332
The times in the last 18 years
I wanted to shout and sing...
828
00:59:05,500 --> 00:59:08,961
...and scream my name out!
Oh, I'm alive!
829
00:59:16,135 --> 00:59:20,973
I'm alive! I'm alive!
Hello, birds! Hello, trees! I'm alive--
830
00:59:21,140 --> 00:59:22,808
Get off! I'm alive!
831
00:59:27,480 --> 00:59:30,899
Master! Master!
832
00:59:31,651 --> 00:59:34,695
The master! He is here!
833
00:59:34,862 --> 00:59:37,322
-The shoe!
-lt was the gourd!
834
00:59:37,490 --> 00:59:39,283
The shoe has brought us!
835
00:59:39,450 --> 00:59:42,661
Speak! Speak to us, master!
Speak to us!
836
00:59:42,996 --> 00:59:47,332
-Go away!
-A blessing! A blessing!
837
00:59:47,500 --> 00:59:52,170
-How shall we go away, master?
-Just go away and leave me alone.
838
00:59:52,547 --> 00:59:54,172
Give us a sign.
839
00:59:54,340 --> 00:59:57,759
He has given us a sign,
he has brought us to this place!
840
00:59:57,927 --> 01:00:00,679
I didn't bring you here!
You just followed me!
841
01:00:00,847 --> 01:00:03,515
lt's still a good sign,
by any standard.
842
01:00:03,683 --> 01:00:06,810
Master, your people have walked
many miles to be with you.
843
01:00:06,978 --> 01:00:08,854
They are weary and have not eaten.
844
01:00:09,022 --> 01:00:13,609
-lt's not my fault they haven't eaten!
-There is no food in this high mountain.
845
01:00:13,776 --> 01:00:16,903
What about the juniper bushes
over there?
846
01:00:17,655 --> 01:00:20,866
A miracle! A miracle!
847
01:00:21,034 --> 01:00:24,536
He has made the bush
fruitful by his word!
848
01:00:24,704 --> 01:00:26,538
They brought forth juniper berries!
849
01:00:26,706 --> 01:00:29,916
Of course they brought forth
juniper berries, they're juniper bushes.
850
01:00:30,084 --> 01:00:31,293
What do you expect?!
851
01:00:31,461 --> 01:00:33,170
Show us another miracle.
852
01:00:33,338 --> 01:00:35,380
Do not tempt him, shallow ones!
853
01:00:35,548 --> 01:00:38,383
ls not the miracle
of the juniper bushes enough?
854
01:00:39,385 --> 01:00:43,388
-I say, those are my juniper bushes.
-They are a gift from God!
855
01:00:43,556 --> 01:00:45,932
They're all I've bloody got to eat.
856
01:00:46,100 --> 01:00:50,562
I say, get off of those bushes!
Go on! Clear off, the lot of you.
857
01:00:50,730 --> 01:00:56,193
-Lord, I am affected by a bald patch.
-I'm healed!
858
01:00:56,361 --> 01:00:59,279
-The master has healed me!
-I didn't touch him!
859
01:00:59,447 --> 01:01:01,948
I was blind, and now I can see!
860
01:01:02,116 --> 01:01:06,453
A miracle! A miracle! A miracle!
861
01:01:08,331 --> 01:01:13,168
Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word
for 18 years till he came along.
862
01:01:13,336 --> 01:01:17,005
A miracle! He is the Messiah!
863
01:01:17,173 --> 01:01:18,757
And he hurt my foot!
864
01:01:18,925 --> 01:01:22,219
Hurt my foot, Lord!
Hurt mine! Hurt mine!
865
01:01:22,387 --> 01:01:26,014
-Hail Messiah!
-I'm not the Messiah!
866
01:01:26,182 --> 01:01:29,434
I say you are, Lord.
And I should know, I've followed a few!
867
01:01:29,602 --> 01:01:33,063
-Hail Messiah!
-I'm not the Messiah!
868
01:01:33,231 --> 01:01:36,441
Would you please listen, I am not
the Messiah, do you understand?
869
01:01:36,609 --> 01:01:38,276
Honestly!
870
01:01:38,945 --> 01:01:42,781
Only the true Messiah
denies his divinity.
871
01:01:42,949 --> 01:01:46,076
What? Well, what sort of chance
does that give me?
872
01:01:46,244 --> 01:01:52,290
-All right, I am the Messiah!
-He is! He is the Messiah!
873
01:01:52,458 --> 01:01:54,668
Now, fuck off!
874
01:02:02,427 --> 01:02:06,388
-How shall we fuck off, Lord?
-Just go away! Leave me alone!
875
01:02:06,556 --> 01:02:09,266
You told these people
to eat my juniper berries.
876
01:02:09,434 --> 01:02:12,310
You break my bloody foot'
you break my vow of silence...
877
01:02:12,478 --> 01:02:15,105
...and then you try and clean up
on my juniper bushes!
878
01:02:15,273 --> 01:02:19,276
Lay off! This is the Messiah,
the chosen one!
879
01:02:19,444 --> 01:02:22,404
-No, he's not.
-An unbeliever!
880
01:02:22,572 --> 01:02:23,822
An unbeliever!
881
01:02:23,990 --> 01:02:29,161
-Persecute! Kill the heretic!
-Yeah! Kill! Kill! Kill!
882
01:02:29,704 --> 01:02:32,664
-Kill!
-Leave him alone!
883
01:02:32,832 --> 01:02:35,000
Leave him alone!
884
01:02:36,169 --> 01:02:37,335
Leave him alone.
885
01:02:37,503 --> 01:02:40,380
Put him down. Please!
886
01:02:44,177 --> 01:02:45,802
Brian?
887
01:02:45,970 --> 01:02:47,846
Judith?
888
01:03:34,143 --> 01:03:38,772
Look, there he is!
The chosen one has woken!
889
01:03:41,025 --> 01:03:42,317
Brian!
890
01:03:44,070 --> 01:03:45,737
Mother!
891
01:03:45,988 --> 01:03:49,366
-Brian!
-Hang on, Mother!
892
01:03:52,245 --> 01:03:55,288
-Hello, Mother.
-Don't you "hello, Mother" me.
893
01:03:55,498 --> 01:03:57,123
What are those people doing
out there?
894
01:03:57,291 --> 01:03:58,291
Well, I ....
895
01:03:58,459 --> 01:04:00,252
Come on! What have you
been up to, my lad?
896
01:04:00,419 --> 01:04:02,754
I think they must have
popped by for something.
897
01:04:02,922 --> 01:04:07,968
Popped by?! Swelled by, more like.
There's a multitude out there!
898
01:04:08,135 --> 01:04:09,886
They started following me yesterday.
899
01:04:10,054 --> 01:04:13,765
Well, they can stop following
you right now.
900
01:04:14,559 --> 01:04:16,685
Now stop following my son.
901
01:04:16,853 --> 01:04:19,104
You ought to be ashamed
of yourselves.
902
01:04:19,272 --> 01:04:23,942
The Messiah! The Messiah!
Show us the Messiah!
903
01:04:24,110 --> 01:04:26,987
-The who?
-The Messiah!
904
01:04:27,780 --> 01:04:29,489
There's no Messiah in here.
905
01:04:29,657 --> 01:04:31,408
There's a mess all right,
but no Messiah.
906
01:04:31,576 --> 01:04:33,034
Now go away!
907
01:04:33,202 --> 01:04:35,287
Brian! Brian!
908
01:04:35,454 --> 01:04:37,831
Right, my lad,
what have you been up to?
909
01:04:37,999 --> 01:04:39,833
-Nothing, Mum.
-Come on, out with it.
910
01:04:40,042 --> 01:04:41,877
They think I'm the Messiah, Mum.
911
01:04:42,295 --> 01:04:44,462
-What have you been telling them?
-Nothing, l--
912
01:04:44,630 --> 01:04:46,298
You're only making it worse
for yourself.
913
01:04:46,465 --> 01:04:47,632
Look, I can explain--
914
01:04:47,800 --> 01:04:52,971
No, let me explain, Mrs. Cohen!
Your son is a born leader!
915
01:04:53,139 --> 01:04:55,140
Those people out there
are following him...
916
01:04:55,308 --> 01:04:58,435
...because they believe in him.
They believe he can give them hope.
917
01:04:58,603 --> 01:05:03,565
Hope of a new life,
a new world, a better future!
918
01:05:04,483 --> 01:05:07,986
-Who's that!?
-That's Judith, Mum.
919
01:05:08,154 --> 01:05:11,156
Judith, Mother.
920
01:05:14,452 --> 01:05:16,828
Show us the Messiah!
921
01:05:20,666 --> 01:05:23,835
Now you listen here,
he's not the Messiah!
922
01:05:24,003 --> 01:05:27,422
He's a very naughty boy!
Now go away!
923
01:05:27,590 --> 01:05:31,551
-who are you?
-I'm his mother, that's who.
924
01:05:31,719 --> 01:05:35,972
Behold his mother!
Behold his mother!
925
01:05:36,140 --> 01:05:39,392
Hail to thee, mother of Brian!
926
01:05:39,602 --> 01:05:43,313
Blessed art thou! Hosanna!
927
01:05:43,481 --> 01:05:47,859
All things to thee, now and always!
928
01:05:48,027 --> 01:05:50,904
Now, don't think you can
get around me like that.
929
01:05:51,113 --> 01:05:54,741
He's not coming out'
and that's my final word.
930
01:05:55,618 --> 01:05:57,285
Now shove off!
931
01:05:57,495 --> 01:05:58,870
No!
932
01:05:59,830 --> 01:06:03,416
-Did you hear what I said?
-Yes!
933
01:06:03,876 --> 01:06:07,545
-Oh, I see. lt's like that, is it?
-Yes!
934
01:06:08,756 --> 01:06:10,548
All right then, you can see him...
935
01:06:10,716 --> 01:06:13,385
...for one minute'
but not one second more!
936
01:06:13,552 --> 01:06:16,221
-Do you understand?
-Yes.
937
01:06:16,389 --> 01:06:20,475
-Promise?
-Well, all right.
938
01:06:21,060 --> 01:06:24,229
All right, here he is then.
Come on, Brian, come and talk to them.
939
01:06:24,397 --> 01:06:27,107
-But, Mum, Judith--
-Leave that Welsh tart alone.
940
01:06:27,274 --> 01:06:29,734
I don't really want to, Mum.
941
01:06:36,742 --> 01:06:40,161
-Good morning!
-A blessing! A blessing!
942
01:06:40,746 --> 01:06:45,250
No, please. Please, please, listen!
943
01:06:45,418 --> 01:06:48,169
I've got one or two things to say.
944
01:06:48,337 --> 01:06:50,797
Tell us! Tell us both of them!
945
01:06:51,257 --> 01:06:55,927
Look, you've got it all wrong!
You don't need to follow me.
946
01:06:56,095 --> 01:06:59,639
You don't need to follow anybody!
947
01:06:59,932 --> 01:07:04,644
You've got to think for yourselves.
You're all individuals!
948
01:07:04,812 --> 01:07:08,106
Yes, we're all individuals!
949
01:07:08,274 --> 01:07:10,316
You're all different.
950
01:07:10,484 --> 01:07:13,403
Yes, we are all difterent!
951
01:07:13,571 --> 01:07:15,613
I'm not.
952
01:07:16,490 --> 01:07:20,118
You've all got to work it out
for yourselves!
953
01:07:20,286 --> 01:07:24,330
Yes, we've got to work it
out for ourselves!
954
01:07:24,623 --> 01:07:26,624
Exactly!
955
01:07:26,792 --> 01:07:29,961
-Tell us more!
-No, that's the point!
956
01:07:30,129 --> 01:07:33,173
Don't let anyone tell you what to do!
957
01:07:33,340 --> 01:07:36,718
-Otherwise-- Oh, no!
-That's enough! That's enough.
958
01:07:38,637 --> 01:07:42,140
That wasn't a minute.
959
01:07:42,308 --> 01:07:46,895
-Oh, yes, it was.
-Oh, no, it wasn't!
960
01:07:47,063 --> 01:07:49,898
Now stop that, and go away.
961
01:07:50,066 --> 01:07:52,150
-Excuse me?
-Yes?
962
01:07:52,318 --> 01:07:53,693
Are you a virgin?
963
01:07:54,361 --> 01:07:56,571
I beg your pardon?
964
01:07:56,947 --> 01:08:01,076
Well, if it's not a personal question,
are you a virgin?
965
01:08:01,243 --> 01:08:06,122
lf it's not a personal question?!
How much more personal can you get?
966
01:08:06,290 --> 01:08:08,750
Now piss off.
967
01:08:10,086 --> 01:08:12,504
-She is.
-Must be. Definitely.
968
01:08:12,671 --> 01:08:15,173
Definitely. Definitely.
969
01:08:18,177 --> 01:08:19,511
Morning, Savior!
970
01:08:29,021 --> 01:08:31,147
Lay your hands on me! Quick!
971
01:08:31,315 --> 01:08:34,901
Now, don't jostle the chosen one!
Please!
972
01:08:35,069 --> 01:08:39,364
Don't push that baby in the
Savior's face! He'll touch it later!
973
01:08:39,532 --> 01:08:40,698
I say....
974
01:08:40,866 --> 01:08:43,159
Could he see my wife?
She has a headache.
975
01:08:43,327 --> 01:08:44,744
You'll have to wait, I'm afraid!
976
01:08:44,912 --> 01:08:47,247
She's very bad,
and we've got a luncheon!
977
01:08:47,414 --> 01:08:49,040
Look, the lepers are queuing!
978
01:08:49,208 --> 01:08:51,835
Her brother-in-law
is the ex-mayor of Gath.
979
01:08:52,002 --> 01:08:55,922
Can I introduce you to the man who's
letting us have the mounts on Sunday?
980
01:08:56,090 --> 01:08:58,758
-Hello.
-Don't push!
981
01:08:58,926 --> 01:09:02,053
Now keep the noise down, please!
982
01:09:02,221 --> 01:09:03,847
Those possessed by devils..
983
01:09:04,014 --> 01:09:06,891
...try and keep them under control
a bit! Can't you?
984
01:09:07,059 --> 01:09:10,562
lncurables, you'll just have
to wait for a few minutes.
985
01:09:10,729 --> 01:09:14,899
Women taken in sin, line up
against that wall, will you?
986
01:09:15,067 --> 01:09:16,317
Brian?
987
01:09:17,069 --> 01:09:19,696
Brian! You were fantastic!
988
01:09:19,864 --> 01:09:23,074
-You weren't so bad yourself.
-No, what you said just now!
989
01:09:23,242 --> 01:09:25,952
-Quite extraordinary!
-What? Oh, that. Was it?
990
01:09:26,120 --> 01:09:28,079
We don't need leaders!
You're so right!
991
01:09:28,247 --> 01:09:30,290
Reg has been dominating us
for too long.
992
01:09:30,457 --> 01:09:31,457
Well, yes...
993
01:09:31,625 --> 01:09:34,043
lt needed saying,
and you said it, Brian!
994
01:09:34,211 --> 01:09:35,628
You're very attractive.
995
01:09:35,838 --> 01:09:38,882
lt's our revolution!
We can all do it together!
996
01:09:39,049 --> 01:09:40,091
I think...
997
01:09:40,259 --> 01:09:43,761
We're all behind you, Brian!
The revolution is in your hands!
998
01:09:43,929 --> 01:09:47,265
What?
No, that's not what I meant at all!
999
01:09:47,433 --> 01:09:50,685
You're fucking nicked,
me old beauty!
1000
01:09:50,853 --> 01:09:52,729
Right!
1001
01:09:58,777 --> 01:09:59,861
Stop it!
1002
01:10:02,740 --> 01:10:05,575
Well, Brian, you've given us
a good run for our money.
1003
01:10:05,743 --> 01:10:07,619
A what?
1004
01:10:07,786 --> 01:10:12,415
And this time,
I guarantee you will not escape.
1005
01:10:12,583 --> 01:10:17,295
Guard!
Do we have any crucifixions today?
1006
01:10:17,463 --> 01:10:20,965
139, sir. Special celebration.
Passover, sir.
1007
01:10:21,133 --> 01:10:26,971
Right! Now we have 140!
Nice round number, eh, Biggus?
1008
01:10:28,307 --> 01:10:30,225
-Hail Caesar!
-Hail!
1009
01:10:30,392 --> 01:10:34,312
The crowd are getting restless, sir.
Permission to disperse them, please.
1010
01:10:35,147 --> 01:10:37,899
Disperse them?
But I haven't addressed them yet!
1011
01:10:38,067 --> 01:10:39,567
No, I know, sir, but--
1012
01:10:39,735 --> 01:10:41,653
My address is a high point
of Passover!
1013
01:10:41,820 --> 01:10:45,114
My friend Biggus Dickus has come
all the way from Rome to hear it!
1014
01:10:45,282 --> 01:10:47,867
-Hail Caesar!
-Hail Caesar!
1015
01:10:48,661 --> 01:10:50,954
You're not...
1016
01:10:51,121 --> 01:10:54,540
You're not thinking of giving
it a miss this year, then, sir?
1017
01:10:55,292 --> 01:10:56,668
Give it a miss?!
1018
01:10:56,835 --> 01:11:00,171
Well, it's just that they're
in a rather funny mood today, sir.
1019
01:11:00,339 --> 01:11:01,464
Really, centurion!
1020
01:11:01,632 --> 01:11:05,718
I'm surprised to hear a man like you
rattled by a rabble of rowdy rebels.
1021
01:11:06,053 --> 01:11:08,721
-A bit thundery, sir.
-Take him away!
1022
01:11:08,931 --> 01:11:11,724
I'm a Roman! I can prove it, honestly!
1023
01:11:11,934 --> 01:11:15,019
And crucify him well!
1024
01:11:15,437 --> 01:11:17,313
Biggus!
1025
01:11:18,023 --> 01:11:20,483
-I really wouldn't, sir!
-Out of the way, centurion!
1026
01:11:20,651 --> 01:11:21,859
Let me come with you, Pontius.
1027
01:11:22,027 --> 01:11:25,530
I may be of assistance
if there is a sudden crisis!
1028
01:11:27,366 --> 01:11:29,909
Right! Now, item four:
attainment of world supremacy...
1029
01:11:30,077 --> 01:11:33,204
...within the next five years. Francis,
you've done some work on this?
1030
01:11:33,372 --> 01:11:34,664
Yeah, thank you, Reg.
1031
01:11:34,832 --> 01:11:38,042
Well, quite frankly, siblings,
I think five years is optimistic...
1032
01:11:38,210 --> 01:11:41,254
...unless we can smash the Roman
Empire within the next 12 months!
1033
01:11:41,463 --> 01:11:43,089
-Twelve months?
-Yeah, 12 months.
1034
01:11:43,257 --> 01:11:47,051
And let's face it, as empires go,
this is the big one.
1035
01:11:47,219 --> 01:11:51,055
So we gotta get up off our arses
and stop just talking about it!
1036
01:11:51,223 --> 01:11:52,265
Hear! Hear!
1037
01:11:52,474 --> 01:11:56,060
I agree! lt's action that counts,
not words, and we need action now!
1038
01:11:56,687 --> 01:12:00,440
You're right. We could sit around here
all day, talking, passing resolutions...
1039
01:12:00,607 --> 01:12:04,527
...making clever speeches,
it's not gonna shift one Roman soldier!
1040
01:12:04,695 --> 01:12:08,072
So let's just stop gabbing on about it!
lt's completely pointless...
1041
01:12:08,240 --> 01:12:10,241
-...and it's getting us nowhere!
-Right!
1042
01:12:10,409 --> 01:12:12,827
I agree!
This is a complete waste of time!
1043
01:12:14,204 --> 01:12:15,413
They've arrested Brian!
1044
01:12:15,581 --> 01:12:17,582
-What?
-They've dragged him off!
1045
01:12:17,750 --> 01:12:19,292
They're gonna crucify him!
1046
01:12:19,501 --> 01:12:22,962
Right!
This calls for immediate discussion!
1047
01:12:23,130 --> 01:12:24,213
-What?!
-lmmediate!
1048
01:12:24,381 --> 01:12:25,423
-Right!
-New motion?
1049
01:12:25,591 --> 01:12:31,054
Completely new motion!
That there be immediate action....
1050
01:12:31,221 --> 01:12:32,597
Once the vote has been taken.
1051
01:12:32,765 --> 01:12:35,600
Obviously once the vote's been taken.
Can't act on a resolution--
1052
01:12:35,768 --> 01:12:38,102
-Reg, let's go now, please!
-Right! Right!
1053
01:12:38,270 --> 01:12:42,565
ln the light of fresh information
from sibling Judith...
1054
01:12:42,733 --> 01:12:44,734
-Not so fast, Reg.
-Reg, for God's sake!
1055
01:12:44,902 --> 01:12:46,944
lt's perfectly simple!
1056
01:12:47,112 --> 01:12:50,031
All you've gotta do is to go out
of that door now...
1057
01:12:50,240 --> 01:12:52,784
...and try to stop the Romans
nailing him up!
1058
01:12:52,951 --> 01:12:54,452
lt's happening, Reg!
1059
01:12:54,620 --> 01:12:59,624
Something's actually happening, Reg!
Can't you understand?
1060
01:13:05,089 --> 01:13:06,422
Yeah, hello.
1061
01:13:06,590 --> 01:13:08,674
Another little ego trip
from the feminists.
1062
01:13:08,842 --> 01:13:11,469
-What?
-Sorry, Loretta.
1063
01:13:11,637 --> 01:13:13,513
Read that back, would you?
1064
01:13:26,693 --> 01:13:28,152
Next.
1065
01:13:28,320 --> 01:13:29,779
-Crucifixion?
-Yes.
1066
01:13:29,947 --> 01:13:34,659
Good. Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.
1067
01:13:34,827 --> 01:13:36,119
Next.
1068
01:13:36,286 --> 01:13:37,495
Crucifixion?
1069
01:13:37,663 --> 01:13:43,209
Good. Out of the door, line on the left,
one cross each. Next.
1070
01:13:43,377 --> 01:13:46,379
-Crucifixion?
-No, freedom.
1071
01:13:46,588 --> 01:13:47,839
-What?
-Freedom for me.
1072
01:13:48,006 --> 01:13:52,343
They said I hadn't done anything
so I could go free and live on an island.
1073
01:13:53,512 --> 01:13:55,513
That's jolly good.
Well, off you go, then.
1074
01:13:55,681 --> 01:13:58,683
No, I'm only pulling your leg.
lt's crucifixion, really.
1075
01:13:58,851 --> 01:14:00,685
I see. Very good, very good.
1076
01:14:00,853 --> 01:14:02,019
Well, out of the door.
1077
01:14:02,187 --> 01:14:04,564
Out of the door'
one cross each, line on the left.
1078
01:14:04,731 --> 01:14:07,859
Line on the left. Yes, thank you.
Crucifixion?
1079
01:14:08,026 --> 01:14:09,277
-Yes.
-Good.
1080
01:14:23,375 --> 01:14:26,377
People of Jerusalem!
1081
01:14:28,088 --> 01:14:31,048
Rome is your friend!
1082
01:14:36,138 --> 01:14:39,932
To prove our friendship,
it is customary at this time...
1083
01:14:40,142 --> 01:14:44,729
...to release a wrongdoer
from our prisons.
1084
01:14:48,650 --> 01:14:52,612
Whom would you have me release?
1085
01:14:52,779 --> 01:14:55,781
Release Roger!
1086
01:14:55,949 --> 01:14:59,744
Release Roger! Release Roger!
1087
01:15:02,581 --> 01:15:07,251
Very well, I shall release Roger!
1088
01:15:10,297 --> 01:15:13,090
-Sir, we don't have a Roger, sir.
-What?
1089
01:15:13,258 --> 01:15:16,594
We don't have anyone
of that name, sir.
1090
01:15:16,762 --> 01:15:19,597
We have no Roger!
1091
01:15:22,518 --> 01:15:24,977
But what about Roderick, then?
1092
01:15:25,187 --> 01:15:28,814
Release Roderick! Release Roderick!
1093
01:15:28,982 --> 01:15:33,778
Centurion, why do they titter so?
1094
01:15:34,947 --> 01:15:37,657
Just some Jewish joke, sir.
1095
01:15:39,117 --> 01:15:42,203
Are they ragging me?
1096
01:15:43,789 --> 01:15:46,123
Oh, no, sir!
1097
01:15:47,459 --> 01:15:51,796
Very well. I shall release Roderick!
1098
01:15:51,964 --> 01:15:53,839
Sir, we don't have a Roderick either.
1099
01:15:54,007 --> 01:15:57,134
-No Roger, no Roderick?
-Sorry, sir.
1100
01:15:57,302 --> 01:16:02,139
Who is this--? Who is this
Roderick to whom you refer?
1101
01:16:02,307 --> 01:16:03,849
He is a robber!
1102
01:16:05,227 --> 01:16:07,979
And a rapist!
1103
01:16:08,438 --> 01:16:12,191
And a pickpocket!
1104
01:16:13,527 --> 01:16:15,361
He sounds a notorious criminal.
1105
01:16:15,529 --> 01:16:17,321
We haven't got him, sir.
1106
01:16:18,323 --> 01:16:20,157
Do we have anyone in our prisons?
1107
01:16:20,325 --> 01:16:22,159
-We've got a Samson, sir.
-Samson?
1108
01:16:22,327 --> 01:16:27,331
Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir.
Silas the Syrian Assassin.
1109
01:16:27,499 --> 01:16:31,335
Several seditious scribes
from Caesarea.
1110
01:16:31,503 --> 01:16:32,545
Sixty-seven...
1111
01:16:32,754 --> 01:16:35,131
-Let me speak to them, Pontius!
-Oh, no!
1112
01:16:35,299 --> 01:16:36,799
Good idea, Biggus!
1113
01:16:36,967 --> 01:16:41,345
Citizens! We have
Samson the Sadducee Strangler...
1114
01:16:41,513 --> 01:16:43,681
...Silas the Assyrian Assassin...
1115
01:16:43,849 --> 01:16:47,852
...several seditious scribes
from Caesarea--
1116
01:16:48,020 --> 01:16:49,812
Next.
1117
01:16:50,272 --> 01:16:52,356
-Crucifixion?
-Yes.
1118
01:16:52,524 --> 01:16:56,694
Good. Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each. Jailor?
1119
01:16:56,862 --> 01:17:00,531
-Excuse me? There's been a mistake--
-Just a moment, would you? Jailor?
1120
01:17:00,699 --> 01:17:04,702
-How many have come through?
-What?
1121
01:17:04,870 --> 01:17:07,705
How many have come through?
1122
01:17:07,873 --> 01:17:08,873
What?
1123
01:17:09,041 --> 01:17:12,084
You'll have to speak...
1124
01:17:15,005 --> 01:17:18,674
Speak up, sir.
He's-- He's d--
1125
01:17:18,842 --> 01:17:22,887
He's deaf-- Deaf as a post, sir.
1126
01:17:23,055 --> 01:17:26,849
How many have come through?
1127
01:17:30,062 --> 01:17:32,730
-Oh, dear.
-I make it 90--
1128
01:17:32,898 --> 01:17:36,233
Ninety--
1129
01:17:37,402 --> 01:17:39,362
Ninety-six, sir.
1130
01:17:39,529 --> 01:17:42,031
lt's such a senseless waste
of human life, isn't it?
1131
01:17:42,199 --> 01:17:44,367
No, sir!
1132
01:17:44,534 --> 01:17:48,579
Not with these b--
Bastards, sir!
1133
01:17:54,586 --> 01:17:56,796
Crucifixion's too good for them, sir.
1134
01:17:56,963 --> 01:17:59,548
I don't think you could
say it's good, it's nasty!
1135
01:17:59,716 --> 01:18:01,842
lt's not as n--
1136
01:18:04,763 --> 01:18:08,099
Not as nasty as something
I just thought up, sir.
1137
01:18:08,266 --> 01:18:11,435
-Now, crucifixion?
-ls there someone I could speak to?
1138
01:18:11,603 --> 01:18:14,939
-Well...
-I know where to get it if you want it.
1139
01:18:15,107 --> 01:18:19,276
-What?
-Don't worry about him, sir. He's de--
1140
01:18:21,905 --> 01:18:24,407
He's deaf and mad, sir.
1141
01:18:24,574 --> 01:18:26,242
Well, how did he get the job?
1142
01:18:26,410 --> 01:18:28,786
Bloody Pilate's pet, sir!
1143
01:18:28,954 --> 01:18:30,287
Get a move on, big nose!
1144
01:18:30,455 --> 01:18:33,040
There's people waiting
to be crucified out here!
1145
01:18:33,583 --> 01:18:35,418
Could I see a lawyer or someone?
1146
01:18:35,585 --> 01:18:37,628
-Do you have a lawyer?
-No, but I'm a Roman.
1147
01:18:37,796 --> 01:18:40,214
How about a retrial?
We've got plenty of time.
1148
01:18:40,757 --> 01:18:42,967
-Shut up, you!
-Miserable, bloody Romans!
1149
01:18:43,135 --> 01:18:45,302
No sense of humor.
1150
01:18:45,470 --> 01:18:46,470
Sorry, bit of a hurry.
1151
01:18:46,638 --> 01:18:51,142
Can you go straight out, line
on the left, one cross each? Now...
1152
01:18:59,985 --> 01:19:03,154
Was it something I said?
1153
01:19:04,823 --> 01:19:08,826
Silence!
1154
01:19:08,994 --> 01:19:13,038
This man commands a crack legion!
1155
01:19:17,210 --> 01:19:20,212
He ranks as high as any in Rome!
1156
01:19:24,926 --> 01:19:26,385
Crucifixion party?
1157
01:19:28,513 --> 01:19:29,513
Morning.
1158
01:19:29,681 --> 01:19:32,183
Now, we will be on show
as we go through the town...
1159
01:19:32,350 --> 01:19:34,059
...so let's not let the side down!
1160
01:19:34,227 --> 01:19:37,480
Keep in a line, three lengths
between you and the man in front...
1161
01:19:37,647 --> 01:19:39,482
...and a good, steady pace.
1162
01:19:39,649 --> 01:19:43,402
Crosses over your left shoulders,
and if you keep your backs hard up...
1163
01:19:43,570 --> 01:19:47,072
...against the crossbeam
you'll be there in no time.
1164
01:19:47,240 --> 01:19:48,365
All right, centurion!
1165
01:19:48,533 --> 01:19:50,826
Crucifixion party!
1166
01:19:50,994 --> 01:19:52,953
Wait for it.
1167
01:19:53,121 --> 01:19:55,539
Crucifixion party!
1168
01:19:55,707 --> 01:19:59,835
By the left! Forward!
1169
01:20:03,089 --> 01:20:05,591
You lucky bastards!
1170
01:20:07,052 --> 01:20:10,721
You lucky, jabby bastards!
1171
01:20:19,105 --> 01:20:22,066
Let me shoulder your burden,
brother!
1172
01:20:22,234 --> 01:20:25,402
Thank you.
1173
01:20:25,570 --> 01:20:28,614
-Hey! Hey!
-What do you think you're doing?
1174
01:20:28,782 --> 01:20:29,907
lt's not my cross--
1175
01:20:30,075 --> 01:20:34,245
Shut up and get on with it!
Come on!
1176
01:20:34,412 --> 01:20:38,916
He had you there, mate , didn't he?
That'll teach you a lesson!
1177
01:20:39,584 --> 01:20:41,752
All right!
1178
01:20:41,920 --> 01:20:44,171
I will give you one more chance!
1179
01:20:44,339 --> 01:20:50,594
This time I want to hear
no Rubens, no Reginalds...
1180
01:20:50,762 --> 01:20:53,806
...no Rudolph
the Red-nosed Reindeers.
1181
01:20:54,015 --> 01:20:55,975
No Spencer Tracys!
1182
01:20:56,142 --> 01:20:58,102
Or we shall release no one!
1183
01:20:58,270 --> 01:20:59,937
Release Brian!
1184
01:21:00,105 --> 01:21:01,480
Yeah, that's a good one!
1185
01:21:01,648 --> 01:21:06,360
Release Brian! Release Brian!
1186
01:21:07,320 --> 01:21:09,196
Very well! That's it!
1187
01:21:09,364 --> 01:21:11,740
-Sir, we have got a Brian, sir.
-What?
1188
01:21:11,908 --> 01:21:17,121
-You just sent him for crucifixion, sir!
-Wait! Wait! We do have a Brian.
1189
01:21:17,289 --> 01:21:20,541
-Well, go and free him, straight away!
-Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
1190
01:21:22,961 --> 01:21:28,841
Very well. I shall release Brian!
1191
01:21:32,429 --> 01:21:34,930
-Get a move on, there!
-Or what?
1192
01:21:35,098 --> 01:21:36,348
Or you'll be in trouble!
1193
01:21:36,558 --> 01:21:38,809
Oh, dear. You mean
I might have to give up...
1194
01:21:38,977 --> 01:21:40,936
...being crucified in the afternoons?
1195
01:21:41,104 --> 01:21:43,480
-Shut up!
-That would be a blow, wouldn't it?
1196
01:21:43,648 --> 01:21:45,608
I wouldn't have nothing to do!
1197
01:21:45,775 --> 01:21:47,192
Thank you!
1198
01:21:50,322 --> 01:21:52,489
Are they gone?
1199
01:21:53,325 --> 01:21:57,620
We've got lumps of it
around the back.
1200
01:21:57,787 --> 01:21:58,829
What?
1201
01:21:58,997 --> 01:22:01,707
Don't worry about him sir,
he's ma--
1202
01:22:06,796 --> 01:22:10,215
-He's mad, sir.
-Have they gone?
1203
01:22:19,601 --> 01:22:22,603
-Oh, come on.
-Yes, sir.
1204
01:22:23,188 --> 01:22:24,730
Anyway, get on with the story.
1205
01:22:24,898 --> 01:22:27,107
Well, I just never really liked them,
so l--
1206
01:22:28,234 --> 01:22:30,986
Right! The motion to get on with it
passed with one abstention.
1207
01:22:31,154 --> 01:22:33,572
I propose we go without further ado.
May I have a second?
1208
01:22:33,740 --> 01:22:35,950
-Let's just go.
-Yeah.
1209
01:22:51,549 --> 01:22:56,220
-Bloody Romans!
-Watch it! Still a few crosses left!
1210
01:22:57,931 --> 01:23:00,557
Up you go, big nose!
1211
01:23:00,725 --> 01:23:03,394
-I'll get you for this, you bastard!
-Oh, yeah!
1212
01:23:03,561 --> 01:23:06,021
Yeah, don't worry.
I never forget a face.
1213
01:23:06,189 --> 01:23:07,731
-No?
-I warn you.
1214
01:23:07,899 --> 01:23:11,151
I'm gonna punch you so hard,
you Roman git!
1215
01:23:11,319 --> 01:23:13,487
Shut up, you Jewish turd!
1216
01:23:13,655 --> 01:23:17,741
Who are you calling Jewish?
I'm not Jewish, I'm a Samaritan!
1217
01:23:17,909 --> 01:23:20,828
A Samaritan? This is supposed
to be a Jewish section!
1218
01:23:20,996 --> 01:23:24,748
lt doesn't matter!
You're all gonna die in a day or two!
1219
01:23:24,916 --> 01:23:28,335
lt may not matter to you'
but it matters to us. Doesn't it, darling?
1220
01:23:28,503 --> 01:23:29,753
Oh, rather!
1221
01:23:29,921 --> 01:23:31,964
Under the terms
of the Roman occupancy...
1222
01:23:32,215 --> 01:23:35,217
...we're entitled to be crucified
in a purely Jewish area.
1223
01:23:35,385 --> 01:23:37,553
Pharisees separate from Sadducees!
1224
01:23:37,721 --> 01:23:39,805
And Swedish separate from Welsh!
1225
01:23:41,391 --> 01:23:44,935
All right, all right, all right!
We'll soon settle this!
1226
01:23:45,103 --> 01:23:50,607
Hands up, all those who
don't want to be crucified here!
1227
01:23:50,775 --> 01:23:52,609
Right! Next!
1228
01:23:52,777 --> 01:23:55,904
-Look, it's not my cross.
-What?
1229
01:23:56,072 --> 01:23:58,323
lt's not my cross,
I was holding it for someone.
1230
01:23:58,491 --> 01:24:00,409
Just lie down, I haven't got all day!
1231
01:24:00,577 --> 01:24:03,078
Of course.
Look, I hate to make a fuss--
1232
01:24:03,246 --> 01:24:06,331
Look, we've had a busy day'
and there's 140 of you lot to get up.
1233
01:24:06,499 --> 01:24:08,959
-ls he Jewish?
-Will you be quiet?!
1234
01:24:09,127 --> 01:24:11,295
We don't want more
Samaritans around here.
1235
01:24:11,463 --> 01:24:12,671
Belt up!
1236
01:24:12,839 --> 01:24:14,548
Will you let me down
if he comes back?
1237
01:24:14,716 --> 01:24:16,467
Yeah, yeah, we'll let you down.
1238
01:24:16,634 --> 01:24:18,260
-Next!
-You don't have to do this!
1239
01:24:18,428 --> 01:24:22,514
-You don't have to take orders!
-I like orders.
1240
01:24:44,329 --> 01:24:47,122
See? Not so bad once you're up.
1241
01:24:48,041 --> 01:24:51,919
-You're being rescued then, are you?
-lt's a bit late for that now, isn't it?
1242
01:24:52,087 --> 01:24:54,046
No, we've got a couple of days
up here.
1243
01:24:54,255 --> 01:24:56,381
Plenty of time.
Lots of people get rescued.
1244
01:24:57,592 --> 01:24:59,718
Oh, yeah.
My brother usually rescues me.
1245
01:24:59,886 --> 01:25:02,721
lf he can keep off the tail
for more than 20 minutes.
1246
01:25:02,889 --> 01:25:07,017
Randy little bugger.
Up and down like the Assyrian Empire.
1247
01:25:11,815 --> 01:25:14,191
Hello. Your family arrived then?
1248
01:25:14,359 --> 01:25:15,400
Reg!
1249
01:25:15,568 --> 01:25:18,862
-Hello, sibling Brian.
-Thank God you've come, Reg.
1250
01:25:19,030 --> 01:25:23,534
I think I should point out in fairness
that we are not the rescue committee.
1251
01:25:23,701 --> 01:25:26,703
However, I have been asked to read
this prepared statement...
1252
01:25:26,871 --> 01:25:28,539
...on behalf of the movement.
1253
01:25:28,706 --> 01:25:32,000
"We, the People's Front of Judea'
brackets, officials, end brackets...
1254
01:25:32,168 --> 01:25:34,002
...do hereby convey our sincere...
1255
01:25:34,170 --> 01:25:36,672
...fraternal and sisterly greetings
to you, Brian...
1256
01:25:36,840 --> 01:25:40,050
-...on this occasion of your martyrdom."
-What?
1257
01:25:40,218 --> 01:25:43,887
"Your death will stand as a landmark
in the continuing struggle to liberate...
1258
01:25:44,055 --> 01:25:47,558
...the parent land from the hands
of the Roman imperialist aggressors...
1259
01:25:47,725 --> 01:25:50,936
...excluding those concerned with
drainage, medicine, roads, housing...
1260
01:25:51,104 --> 01:25:55,566
...education. And any other Romans
contributing to the welfare of Jews...
1261
01:25:55,733 --> 01:25:58,235
...of both sexes
and hermaphrodites."
1262
01:25:58,403 --> 01:26:01,321
Signed, "On behalf of the P .F .J .,
et cetera."
1263
01:26:01,489 --> 01:26:04,616
And l,d just like to add, on
a personal note, my own admiration...
1264
01:26:04,826 --> 01:26:07,494
...for what you're doing for us
and what must be...
1265
01:26:07,662 --> 01:26:10,164
...after all, for you, a difficult time.
1266
01:26:10,331 --> 01:26:14,751
-Reg! What are you going to do?
-Goodbye, Brian. And thanks.
1267
01:26:16,629 --> 01:26:18,630
All right, Brian. Keep it up, lad.
1268
01:26:18,840 --> 01:26:21,258
Terrific work, Brian.
1269
01:26:26,556 --> 01:26:28,390
Right. And:
1270
01:26:28,558 --> 01:26:35,939
For he's a jolly good fellow
1271
01:26:36,107 --> 01:26:38,108
And so say all of us
1272
01:26:38,276 --> 01:26:40,944
And so say all of--
1273
01:26:44,073 --> 01:26:47,242
You bastards! You bastards!
1274
01:26:47,410 --> 01:26:50,495
-Where is Brian of Nazareth?
-You sanctimonious bastards!
1275
01:26:50,663 --> 01:26:54,625
-I have an order for his release.
-You stupid bastards!
1276
01:26:54,792 --> 01:26:56,793
-I'm Brian of Nazareth.
-What?
1277
01:26:56,961 --> 01:26:58,670
-I'm Brian of Nazareth.
-Take him down!
1278
01:26:58,880 --> 01:27:00,631
I'm Brian of Nazareth!
1279
01:27:01,174 --> 01:27:03,800
-I'm Brian!
-I'm Brian!
1280
01:27:03,968 --> 01:27:05,844
Look, look, I'm Brian!
1281
01:27:06,012 --> 01:27:09,139
-I'm Brian!
-I'm Brian and so is my wife!
1282
01:27:12,185 --> 01:27:13,644
Right! Take him away
and release him!
1283
01:27:13,811 --> 01:27:16,813
No, I'm only joking.
I'm not really Brian.
1284
01:27:16,981 --> 01:27:20,150
No, I'm not Brian! I was only--
lt was a joke.
1285
01:27:20,318 --> 01:27:22,945
I'm only pulling your leg!
lt's a joke!
1286
01:27:23,112 --> 01:27:25,489
I'm not him,
I'm just having you on!
1287
01:27:25,657 --> 01:27:29,368
Put me back!
Bloody Romans, can't take a joke.
1288
01:27:39,337 --> 01:27:44,508
The Judean People's Front!
1289
01:27:44,676 --> 01:27:48,512
Forward, all!
1290
01:27:51,683 --> 01:27:56,853
-Look out! The Judean People's Front!
-The Judean People's Front!
1291
01:27:57,021 --> 01:27:59,648
The Judean People's Front!
1292
01:28:03,695 --> 01:28:08,865
We are the Judean People's Front,
crack suicide squad.
1293
01:28:09,033 --> 01:28:13,370
Suicide squad, attack!
1294
01:28:21,879 --> 01:28:24,881
That showed them, huh?
1295
01:28:25,717 --> 01:28:28,218
You silly sods!
1296
01:28:28,386 --> 01:28:30,095
Brian!
1297
01:28:34,100 --> 01:28:36,184
Judith!
1298
01:28:36,352 --> 01:28:42,107
Terrific! Great! Reg explained it to me'
and I think it's great what you're doing.
1299
01:28:42,275 --> 01:28:46,737
Thank you, Brian.
I'll never forget you.
1300
01:28:55,038 --> 01:28:57,748
So there you are!
1301
01:28:57,915 --> 01:29:00,125
I might have known
it would end up like this.
1302
01:29:00,293 --> 01:29:04,296
Just think of all the love
and affection I've wasted on you!
1303
01:29:04,464 --> 01:29:07,215
Well, if that's how you treat
your poor, old mother...
1304
01:29:07,383 --> 01:29:10,761
...in the autumn years of her life,
all I can say is:
1305
01:29:10,928 --> 01:29:14,973
Go ahead. Be crucified.
See if I care .
1306
01:29:15,141 --> 01:29:20,228
-I might have known.
-Mum! Mum!
1307
01:29:20,396 --> 01:29:22,522
I don't know what
the world is coming to.
1308
01:29:27,820 --> 01:29:29,404
Cheer up, Brian!
1309
01:29:29,572 --> 01:29:31,782
You know what they say?
1310
01:29:31,949 --> 01:29:34,743
Some things in life are bad.
1311
01:29:34,911 --> 01:29:37,496
They can really make you mad.
1312
01:29:37,663 --> 01:29:41,625
Other things just make
you swear and curse.
1313
01:29:41,793 --> 01:29:44,127
When you're chewing on life's gristle
1314
01:29:44,295 --> 01:29:47,756
Don't grumble
Give a whistle
1315
01:29:47,924 --> 01:29:52,302
And this'll help things
Turn out for the best
1316
01:29:52,470 --> 01:29:54,137
And
1317
01:29:54,305 --> 01:30:00,477
Always look on the bright side of life
1318
01:30:02,688 --> 01:30:08,318
Always look on the light side of life
1319
01:30:09,987 --> 01:30:12,030
If life seems jolly rotten
1320
01:30:12,198 --> 01:30:13,990
There's something you've forgotten
1321
01:30:14,158 --> 01:30:17,869
And that's to laugh and smile
And dance and sing
1322
01:30:18,037 --> 01:30:19,871
When you're feeling in the dumps
1323
01:30:20,081 --> 01:30:22,249
Don't be silly chumps
1324
01:30:22,417 --> 01:30:25,502
Just purse your lips and whistle
That's the thing
1325
01:30:25,670 --> 01:30:32,134
And always look on
The bright side of life
1326
01:30:32,301 --> 01:30:34,344
Come on!
1327
01:30:34,512 --> 01:30:39,683
Always look on the right side of life
1328
01:30:42,353 --> 01:30:44,146
For life is quite absurd
1329
01:30:44,313 --> 01:30:46,022
And death's the final word
1330
01:30:46,190 --> 01:30:49,943
You must always face
The curtain with a bow
1331
01:30:50,111 --> 01:30:52,028
Forget about your sin
1332
01:30:52,196 --> 01:30:54,239
Give the audience a grin
1333
01:30:54,407 --> 01:30:57,534
Enjoy it
It's your last chance anyhow
1334
01:30:57,702 --> 01:31:03,373
So always look on
The bright side of death
1335
01:31:06,627 --> 01:31:11,381
Just before
You draw your terminal breath
1336
01:31:14,552 --> 01:31:16,386
Life's a piece of shit
1337
01:31:16,554 --> 01:31:18,305
When you look at it
1338
01:31:18,473 --> 01:31:22,225
Life's a laugh and death's a joke
It's true
1339
01:31:22,393 --> 01:31:24,060
You'll see it's all a show
1340
01:31:24,228 --> 01:31:26,104
Keep 'em laughing as you go
1341
01:31:26,272 --> 01:31:29,941
Just remember that
The last laugh is on you
1342
01:31:30,151 --> 01:31:36,406
And always look on
The bright side of life
1343
01:31:38,743 --> 01:31:43,747
Always look on the right side of life
1344
01:31:43,915 --> 01:31:46,625
Come on, Brian! Cheer up!
1345
01:31:46,792 --> 01:31:59,429
Always look on the bright side of life
1346
01:31:59,597 --> 01:32:02,557
Worse things happen at sea,
you know?
1347
01:32:02,725 --> 01:32:05,810
Always look on the bright side of life
1348
01:32:05,978 --> 01:32:08,438
What have you got to lose?
You come from nothing...
1349
01:32:08,606 --> 01:32:10,607
...you're going back to nothing'
what have you lost?
1350
01:32:10,775 --> 01:32:12,108
Nothing!
1351
01:32:15,947 --> 01:32:18,615
Nothing will come from nothing,
you know what they say?
1352
01:32:18,783 --> 01:32:20,408
Cheer up, you old bugger!
1353
01:32:20,576 --> 01:32:23,119
Come on! Give us a grin!
There you are!
1354
01:32:23,287 --> 01:32:28,458
See? The end of the film. lncidentally'
this record is available in the foyer.
1355
01:32:29,210 --> 01:32:32,587
Some of us have got to live
as well, you know?
1356
01:32:32,755 --> 01:32:35,674
Who do you think pays
for all this rubbish?
1357
01:32:35,841 --> 01:32:38,468
They're not gonna make
their money back, you know.
1358
01:32:38,636 --> 01:32:40,428
I told them. I said to him.
1359
01:32:40,596 --> 01:32:43,974
"Bernie," I said,
"They'll never make their money back."
100880
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