All language subtitles for Finding Your Feet

Straight through to
the conservatory.

One always expected Mike to get the
nod after a lifetime's loyal service.

That's not to take away
from CBEs and OBEs.

Of course, any order of the British
Empire is a huge achievement.

No...

Uh, yes, that's for the kitchen.

Didn't Luke's school dinner lady
get an MBE a couple of years ago?

Yes. MBEs tend to be for more...

- Hands on service.
- Hmm.

So, will you be expecting us to
call you Lady Abbott from now on?

Not necessarily, but it does
have a rather nice ring to it.

Come on. Let's have
a naughty Sherry.

- Not over there!
- Sorry, ma'am.

During my four decades on the beat,
I've worked with some fantastic people.

I've also had the pleasure

of working with a number
of great partners.

Aw.

Not in the Biblical
sense of course.

Joking aside,

there's been one
very special person

who has walked the thin blue line
with me every step of the way,

throughout every trial,
case and verdict,

and that is my wife of 35
years, Lady Sandra Abbott.

Aw.

Thank you.

Are you losing sleep about what's going
to be happening from here on in?

No, thank you. What do you mean?

When Hugo retired,

I was on the verge of getting
a part-time job in Waitrose

just to get away from him.

I'm not concerned
about that, Janet.

I've been planning our retirement
for the last 35 years.

Oh, well, good for you, darling.

- Top up?
- Oh, lovely. I'll spend a penny.

- Oh, are you enjoying it?
- Marvellous!

What the hell's going on?

We were just...

It's not what it
looks like, Sandra.

Sandra?

Sandra!

Sandra!

- Sandra, wait!
- Get off me!

- How long has it been going on?
- Let's not do this here.

- How long, Mike?
- Since we all went to Sorrento.

Oh, bloody hell.

That's nearly five years ago.

I've had enough of all
this hide-and-seek, Mike.

How could you do this to me?

You're supposed to be my friend.

We even took you to the palace.

I... I didn't mean for
this to happen, Sandra.

Oh, really? You knew precisely
what you were doing!

Now, please calm down, Sandra.
Remember where you are.

I know exactly where I am.
I'm in my own bloody home.

I have spent my entire married life
putting you and your career first,

and what got me through was
knowing that when you retired,

we would share our
golden years together.

But instead,

you've traded me in
for a newer model.

Let me tell you, Mike,

she's had more than
one previous owner!

And, and her bodywork
is mainly filler!

Mum!

- Dad, what have you done?
- Sandra...

Sandra?

Sandra!

Sandra?

Sandra!

Please, let me explain.

The last thing I wanted
to do was to hurt you.

I know it must seem like I've
behaved in a terrible way, but...

Look, one thing led
to another and...

Oh, you know how it is.

- Hello, Emma.
- Hi.

Ooh!

Woo-hoo!

Excuse me!

It's women only in here.

Oi!

That's my handbag!

Come back here, you... wait!

Gotcha.

Charlie!

Yeah, all ready to
go this end, Ted.

- Bilge filter.
- Check!

Rodding junction.

- Check.
- Pump outlet.

Oil filter tank?
Discharge connection?

Check, check, check!

Then we're good to go.

I'll start her up.

- She's sounding good, Charlie.
- Yeah.

What's that?

Jubilee clip.

Where from?

Oh, bollocks.

Stop! Stop! Oh!

Flipping hell!

- Turn it off.
- I'm trying.

Hello?

Charlie? It's bif.

Is now a good time?

Uh, couldn't be better.

Some chancer took a
fancy to my handbag.

Would you be a love and
drop off my spare keys?

Yeah, I'll be there right away.

Thank you, pru.

I really must get around
to buying one of these.

Why, when you can just
borrow other people's.

Did you get a good look at him?

No.

By the time I made it to the top
of the hill, I was seeing double.

Say when.

Woo-hoo-hoo! When! When! When!

Shame about the bag, though.
I got it in Italy years ago.

Hmm.

What's that for?

Oh, it's to cover your pension.

- Put it away, Charlie.
- Oh, bif.

- Please, please.
- No, come on.

I lost my bus pass and a couple
of sachets of laxatives.

All right.

Does make you wonder why they
go to all that bother, though.

Well, constipation.
It's a terrible thing.

Right, we're here, love.
You all right?

Yes.

That'll be £37.50.

Right.

Keep a pound for yourself.

I should really charge
you corkage, you know.

Would you be so kind as to
carry my bags up to the door?

Do me a favour, darling, I'm
a cab driver, not a footman.

Please.

Thank you, excuse me.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Any chance you could fix the front
window lock for me before you go?

- I'd leave it.
- Why?

With a bit of luck, somebody
might climb in and take the lot.

Elizabeth, it's Sandra.

Sandra! What a lovely surp...
What are you doing here?

Mike's been having an affair with
Pamela Harper so I've left him.

I tried calling your landline, but
apparently, you've changed your number.

- Years ago.
- You might have let me know.

I expect it's been
cut off anyway, now.

Or perhaps you've buried it.

I can only imagine what
everyone is saying back home.

Now I know we weren't exactly
in our honeymoon period,

but I just imagined his libido
had naturally declined with age,

but it turns out he's been
bonking her behind my back

- for over five years.
- Oh.

I mean, what has she got
that I haven't got?

She's a mistress, Sandra.

- It's a fantasy.
- It's not a bloo... this is bloody real.

Aren't you going to
offer me a drink?

Oh, sorry.

Um, well,

I've got

- peach Brandy or grappa?
- Yes, please.

Well, that should stop anybody
rummaging in your drawers.

I should be so lucky.

- Hello.
- Charlie,

this is my little
sister, Sandra.

Oh, it's nice to meet you.

- Lady Abbott.
- Oh.

Honoured even.

All right, well, uh,

sounds like you've got a
lot of catching up to do.

Uh, I'll see you on
Thursday, dear, all right?

Bye.

Lady Abbott?

I know it doesn't feel
like it at the moment,

but this could be the best thing
that ever happened to you.

A chance to finally step
out from Mike's shadow.

What do you mean?

Excuse me.

Do you have, er,
spoons or forks,

anything that resembles
actual cutlery here?

Another one of those.

I always found him overbearing,
smug and self-important.

Classic case of
small-man syndrome.

My husband doesn't
have a small penis.

I wasn't actually referring
to his genitalia, Sandra.

I just wondered why
a man of his size

got into the police force
in the first place.

There was a minimum height
amnesty for a couple of years.

That still doesn't excuse you
from sleeping with the enemy.

The whole point of us
going to greenham common

was to stand side by side
in female solidarity.

You dropped your knickers at the first
suggestive glance through the fence.

Mike was only doing his job.

Guarding a bloody
nuclear weapon.

It was the height of the
cold war, people were scared

and they had every right to believe
that they needed a nuclear deterrent.

- Poppycock.
- Can you not appreciate

that not everyone is as brave
and self-sufficient as you?

Some of us need to feel safe and secure
which is exactly what Mike offered me.

Until he decided to
press the red button.

I knew it was a
mistake coming here.

How could I have expected you
of all people to understand?

You've never stuck at a relationship
in your life because it takes you away

from your devotion to yourself
and your latest crackpot cause.

There's nothing crackpot about
trying to safeguard the planet.

Oh, right, so what would
happen to the human race

if everyone was too busy saving the
planet to make time to procreate?

Oh, so the universe should be grateful
that you and Mike had a knee trembler?

Ladies, could you
please quieten down?

You're upsetting the
other customers.

We're upsetting them?

How about the lifetime of
heartbreak and betrayal

that is inevitably
coming their way?

Not that I would expect you to
understand with your cultural concubines

and polygamy.

I'm going to have to
ask you to leave!

I beg your... how dare...

Officers, there's been a
terrible misunderstanding.

I was simply having a
very nice conversation

- with the young manager there.
- Keep going.

And when the, uh, my hand
inadvertously slipped...

- Will you get your hands off me?
- All right, madam, calm down.

I do hope you know who
you're dealing with.

I'm married to the former chief
constable of surrey police.

Her husband's been
cheating on her.

I'm not surprised.

What did they charge you with?

Racial aggravation or
drunk and disorderly?

Could we discuss this
in a less public forum?

Sure, I'm coming down. Chuck
this in the bins, will you?

I came down to the station, but
they said you were sleeping it off.

This isn't funny, bif.

If you hadn't been bullying me,
I wouldn't have got so upset

and thrown the onion
bhaji at that woman.

It was a man and you assaulted
him with a prawn dumpling.

Why are you being so pernickety?

Listen, why don't you have an
alka-seltzer, have a lie down,

and I'll be back this afternoon.

- Why? Where are you going?
- Dancing.

Very good! Good, good, good!
And turn!

Turn! Flick! Flick!

- Flick! Flick! Flick!
- Flick!

- Sorry, corrinna.
- Oh, no worries. You're with Ted.

I've worked out some
new moves for us.

Might want to put your
crash helmet back on.

Very nice.

Good, good! Sheila, great!

Hello?

Sandra, it's me.

Oh, yes.

Pamela's asked me to
move in with her.

She wants us to make a
fresh start together.

I thought it through,

and I've decided it's in
everyone's best interest.

How very bloody
thoughtful of you.

Sandra, I hope that with time,

you'll understand that I
never set out to hurt you.

Hurt me? How about
bloody destroyed me?

Okay, everyone,
let's take a break.

- Oh, I'll never get it.
- Yeah. Here you go, Ted.

Payment for your
labour the other day.

What? Danger money, you mean.

Oh, put it away.

How did your Internet
date go at the weekend?

Well, let's just say, I got
more than I bargained for.

- Ooh, lucky you.
- No, he showed up with his wife in tow.

Turns out I'd clicked swinging instead
of swimming on my list of likes.

Ooh.

These old locks are a bloody...

You don't fancy changing the
one on my front door, do you?

Oh, how you and her
majesty are sisters,

I'll never know.

Well, she used to be fun.

Oh, yeah? What happened?

She married a tosser,

and then became obsessed with
keeping up with all the tossers.

When was the last time you
saw one another, then?

Erm, it's nearly ten years.

I was protesting against
the newbury bypass.

- Yeah?
- I failed to turn up

- to her 50th birthday...
- Oh, dear.

- And it was a murder mystery party...
- Oh!

And I was the one who ended
up getting killed off.

Yeah.

Ah, I've got it, that's it.

Well, you know, maybe this is an
opportunity for you to get to know

one another again, eh?

Ah, I think we're too stubborn,

and set in our ways.

You? Stubborn? Oh...

- Here you are.
- No, thanks. I've had enough.

Oh.

- It's ringing.
- Yeah, they do that.

- Uh, can you, erm...
- What?

- How does it go...
- What? What is it?

- Uh...
- That up there.

- Okay.
- Well, speak into it.

What? Okay.

He... yes, hello?

Yes?

Oh.

Okay. Um, well, thanks
for letting me know.

I'm on my way.

- What?
- Sandra's in hospital.

I'm not surprised you're
having panic attacks.

- What, with the stress of everything.
- It wasn't a panic attack.

I'm not that sort of a person.
I just had a bit of a turn.

Ready to board the fun bus?

- Er, you go first, Sandra.
- Please come, come, come. This way.

Um, shall I get in first?

- 'Cause there's no seat.
- In you go. Help yourself.

Shut the door. Let's get off.

Right.

Slide her across.

Off we go. Oops.

Are you both high?

As kites.

Ooh! Sorry.

I can't believe you still
smoke wacky baccy.

Oh, what's the big deal?

There's really not that much
difference between a bag of weed

and a bag of pharmaceuticals.

There is a big difference between
licensed medicines and prohibited drugs.

Yeah, well, my crop has
medicinal benefits, you know.

You should try it
for your anxiety.

Oh, mate, mate, come on.

My only anxiety is whether
we make it back alive.

And I have no intention of taking
any medication, legal or otherwise

for a one-off incident.

Well, actually,

I was put on anti-depressants
a while back,

when I was going through a
bit of a difficult time.

Hmm.

Well, actually, I...
I think it worked.

I mean, if you were...

If you break your leg, you don't limp
around like a stray dog, do you?

I mean, you'd do something
about it, right?

Perhaps, I should check myself
into battersea dogs home.

Well, it's a thought, you know.

- Thanks, Charlie. Bye.
- All right, bye, bif, yeah.

Do me a favour, Lady Abbott, next
time you're in need of a lift,

get Smithers to pick
you up in the Bentley.

How rude!

Perhaps if you'd said thank you.

What for? The insults and
psychiatric evaluation?

Who the hell do you
think you are, Sandra?

Maybe your money and title
mean something where you live,

but around here,
nobody gives a shit.

Clearly, you were out of options

or you wouldn't have
turned up on my doorstep.

Get off your high horse and start treating
other people with some common manners.

Here we go.

For Christ's sake,
don't be such a prude.

I've seen them before.

Not in this condition,
you haven't.

Gravity hits us all, Sandra.

The challenge is to make sure our
spirits don't drop quite as far.

Look,

I want to help you get back on your feet,
but you're making it very difficult.

I'm not like you, bif.

I...

I can't just...

Open up like a lotus flower.

I know when we were growing up, showing
emotions was seen as a weakness,

but in my experience, bottling
them up gets you nowhere.

This is like a bad dream
that I can't wake up from.

Mike and I were supposed to be setting off
on a cruise around the adriatic tomorrow.

Why don't you come down with me
to my dance class next Thursday?

It might cheer you up.

I've been made to feel enough
of a fool already, thank you.

What are you talking about?

You're a great dancer.

That was a lifetime ago.

Where did you get this?

I had dad's super-8 film transferred
to DVD a few years ago.

I meant to send you a copy.

Do you remember mum sewing all that
stiff, nasty net onto the petticoat?

Mmm. I remember it.
It was like...

Dancing in a cheese grater.

What was his name again?

Gregory Powell.

I bumped into him a few
years ago in guildford.

Camp as Christmas.

No surprises there, though.

I look so happy.

You were.

Come on, we're gonna
miss the warm up.

I'd be happy to miss the
whole bloody thing!

Morning, everyone.
Sorry we're late.

Oh, here she is.
Lady never shit.

You didn't tell me he'd be here.

Corrinna, this is
my sister, Sandra.

She's going to be joining us
today, is that all right?

Yeah, of course. Find
a space, ladies.

- Hello, I'm Jackie.
- Oh, nice to meet you.

- You staying with bif?
- Yes.

- How long?
- Not really sure,

just taking one day at a time.

Sandra's marriage
has just collapsed.

Jackie's a veteran where affairs
of the heart are concerned.

Been married five times.

First one broke down
for religious reasons.

He thought he was god. I didn't.

Okay, everyone, time to
get rid of the cobwebs.

It's the only thing that's
holding Ted together.

Yeah, that and
this bloody lycra.

All right. Okay,
everyone, form a circle.

And everyone hold hands
with their neighbour.

- Sandra?
- There we go.

All right, I think we
all know what to do.

♪ You put your left leg in ♪

♪ your left leg out ♪

♪ in out in out you
shake it all about ♪

♪ you do the hokey cokey
and you turn around ♪

♪ and that's what
it's all about ♪

♪ oi ♪

♪ whoa the hokey cokey ♪

♪ whoa the hokey cokey ♪

♪ whoa, the hokey cokey ♪

♪ knees bend all
stretch ra ra ra ♪

Okay, everybody,
find your partners.

Charlie, where are you, Charlie?

It's time to waltz.

Zach!

I'll be the guy,
you be the girl.

One, two, three.

One, two, three, two, two...

One, two, three, two, two...

One, two, three, two, two...

I can count, bif.

I know.

Again.

What is it, Ted?

Just give me a minute, will you?

- Ted?
- It's all right. I've got it.

That was our wedding
tune, Charlie.

Sets me... sets me
off every time.

You're spinning me too fast.
I'm getting disorientated.

I can tell.

Where are you going? Sandra?

It's just some days, I...

I wish we'd gone together.

Oh, man. Oh, yeah.

I know. I know. I know.

Oh, I... just wanted
to spend a penny.

Spend as much as you like.

Bog's down there.

Oh, man. All right, mate.

Come on.

All right, darling, I'll
see you on Saturday.

Okay, bye.

- Who is that?
- Nicola.

- Huh?
- My daughter, your niece.

- Oh, of course.
- Where did I put my drink?

She's gonna bring Luke, my
grandson, up to visit me,

- so you can finally get to meet him.
- Oh, I'd love to,

but it'll have to be another time.
I've already got plans.

- Like what?
- I'm going on a date.

Aren't you past all that?

Last time I checked, there wasn't an
age limit for getting your leg over.

Can I borrow your
phone a minute?

There you are.

Cor, you've... A bit
of a tangle here, lil.

What is it, love?

Hey.

Do you want something?

I want to see Charlie.

You're looking at him, love.

I am Charlie.

Don't touch me.

All right, love. Um...

Why don't we, erm, go for a walk, eh?
Get a bit of air?

Eh?

Get off me.

Leave me alone.

That's a very snazzy
hat Luke's wearing.

Pamela bought it for him.

Why is she buying him presents?

Mum.

I wish I could change what's
happened but I can't.

I know you're hurting, but...

I just want to have a
nice day with you.

Grandma, can you push me?

I can. Yes.

Why aren't you living
with grandpa any more?

Um...

Remember when

Oscar broke your new transformer
and you said you never wanted

- to speak to him again?
- Yeah.

Well, that's sort of what's
happened with me and grandpa.

So, you'll come back if he
buys you a new transformer?

Maybe.

You're not going to leave
me out here in the...

Gerald, Gerald, Gerald.
Come in here.

No, no, let's go in here.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, one sec.
One sec.

What are you doing?

Warming you up.

Don't worry about that.

I'm armed and dangerous.

Thirty minutes and
I'll be good to go.

I'll get you there in ten.

Yeah.

Oh.

Ahh.

Gerald?

Gerald?

Gerald!

- You all right?
- I'm fine.

But I don't think Gerald is.

He was a lovely fella.

Funny, kind...

- Hung like a...
- Please.

Too much information.

I can't believe you're
laughing about him, poor man.

Gerald clocked-off with a
smile on his face, Sandra.

That's all any of
us can hope for.

Aren't you scared of dying?

What's there to
be frightened of?

Well, the fact that...

That that's it.

As Mark twain said,

I was dead for billions of years
before I was born and had not suffered

the slightest
inconvenience from it.

Slow, slow,

quick, quick, slow,

side together.

Slow, slow,

quick, quick, slow,

side together.

Okay, has everyone got that? Yeah?
All right, find a partner.

Oh, um, Charlie.

Can... you know it, don't you?
Can you be with Sandra, please?

Yep, thank you.

Zach, music.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Okay, turn, turn.

Slow, side, together.

Yep.

Uh, look,

I know this goes against
every instinct,

but, er, it might help if you...

Let me lead?

- Yes, I would.
- All right. Yeah?

- Yes.
- Yeah?

Hands higher.

There, we made it.

Yes.

Great, lovely, everyone.

Can you make your
way up here, class?

Before we go onto
the next dance,

Jackie has come up
with a rather fun idea

of how we can challenge
ourselves this winter.

I'm not tobogganing down
parliament hill again.

You're just a sore loser.

Throughout the winter,
every seven minutes,

an elderly person
dies from cold.

Now age uk are trying
to change that

by raising funds for their new
campaign called, "spread the warmth."

I think we're probably passed
our ice bucket challenge days,

but one thing we all can
do is shake a leg or two.

So how about we put on a
dance performance in public,

and pass the hat around?

Oh, yes.

What dance were you thinking?

Well, how about a
bit of everything?

Yeah, like a mash-up.

So who's gonna join us?

I am.

- Oh, come on, it's Christmas.
- Come on!

Yes.

Come on.

Sandra, have you actually ever
seen a central heating bill?

Don't be so patronising.

I would happily make
a generous donation.

I do not want to embarrass
myself in public.

Surely one of the perks of being
old is it doesn't matter any more.

Well, it does to me.

You know, it's one thing being
scared of dying, Sandra,

it's a whole different matter
being scared of living.

That's it. Nearly there.

All right. Oh,
there we go, love.

What're you doing?

Having tea with you.
Same as every Thursday.

Here you are.

It's your favourite, love.
It's chicken.

Well, it was chicken.

Oh, it's all right, Lilly,

it's okay, love.
Calm down, love.

It's all right, it's all right, it's
all right, Lilly. It's all right.

- It's all right. It's your husband.
- Lilly.

It's Charlie.

Liar!

It's all right. It's
all right, Lilly.

Hiya!

Hello.

I take it you've not
seen daylight today?

I've just been checking up
on some important emails.

Virtual curtain
twitching, you mean.

Just because you choose
not to do social media...

How do you expect to take
control of your life

when you're so obsessed
with everyone else's?

Why don't you take the bike out?
Go for a ride?

Get some fresh air.

I can think of easier
ways to kill myself.

Clearly.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, stop, stop, stop!
This really is a mash-up.

All right, look, don't
get disheartened.

We will get there.

Yeah, if I don't have
a coronary first.

But you must practise these steps at home.
It's the only way we're gonna remember.

I can't even remember
my own name.

Okay, are we ready to go again?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Okay. Zach, music.

What the hell have you done?

Tidied up.

Well, how am I supposed
to find anything now?

Just trying to help.

All this food is way
past its sell-by date.

Please don't tell me you subscribe
to the "best before" conspiracy?

You won't be saying that when
you're struck down with botulism.

"Best before 19..."

Oh, blimey.

It's left foot back, feet together,
right foot forward, feet together.

Argh.

You're losing your balance because
you're setting off on the wrong foot.

Easy for you to say from
the comfort of the sofa.

- Just trying to help.
- Well, don't!

Hi, Charlie.

She's in the day room.

- Oh, I've come to see you, actually.
- Oh.

Charlie, most of the time, she's
in a comfortable routine.

Well, then that's the way I
want her to be all the time.

Uh, I've been thinking, um...

Maybe it's better for
Lilly if I, er...

Don't come any more.

Is that a bad idea?

There's no right or wrong
in these situations.

Look, you sold your house
to care for her, Charlie.

No one could have
done anything more.

Hello, love.

Huh.

Take care, love.

Charlie?

Charlie?

I was just passing and
I thought maybe...

Oh, wish you'd get this
bloody door sorted.

What's up?

Er, it was time to say goodbye.

I'm so sorry, Charlie.

Thanks, uh...

Me too.

You know, I...

I spent my whole life

fixing things, bif, you know?

Uh...

Pretty good at it.

But there's nothing...

Abs... absolutely nothing,

nothing I could...

I can do to fix... fix her.

I'm sorry.

How dare you do this to me?
I hate you so much!

Aah!

Oh, didn't hear you come in.

Just walked in the door.
I got us a curry.

You seem more upbeat today.

Oh, I just got this annoying
tune going round in my head.

Hmm, this one's for you.

Hmm.

Oh.

More bills.

What's the matter?

Divorce petition.

Well, weren't you
expecting that?

What did you think
was gonna happen?

Well, I thought he would
come to his senses and

phone me up and beg
me to come home and

so I could get on with my life.

Oh, surely you
wouldn't have gone?

I know you think I'm
mad, bif, but I've...

I've loved Mike for most of my
life and whatever he's done,

those feelings don't just...

Go away.

Nor this.

You need to get an
expert opinion.

What about him
selling the house?

Well, if the bastard wants
to sell it, let him.

Then Sandra could buy something
smaller with her share.

And live comfortably off
the remaining equity.

The good news is, you get
first dibs of the contents.

All he's requested is the
elizabethan dining table,

six cut glass tumblers,
and his tennis trophies.

35 years of marriage, and
that's all he values?

I'm sorry, Sandra, that was
shockingly clumsy of me.

But I can still keep my title?

I'm afraid it's not
your title, Sandra.

When the marriage is dissolved, it will
be transferred to his chosen consort.

Surely becoming a free woman is
better than being a kept lady.

Good god, this place is obscene.

- Did you have staff?
- You're looking at her.

Oh.

When we bought this house, I
thought we'd be here forever.

Janet.

What are you doing here?

Sandra, what a surprise!

No, I was just collecting some
spare balls from your court.

I thought you wouldn't mind, for
the annual tennis tournament,

this afternoon.

Janet, this is my
sister, Elizabeth.

Bif, hi.

How long are you back for?

Just the day, I'm collecting
some personal things

from the house before
it's shown to buyers.

I know. We saw it had gone on the market.
Such a shame.

After all that work you'd
done with the patio.

But still, you know,
life goes on.

Maybe I'll find a minute to pop over and
say hello to the gang, before we leave.

Oh, that would be a bit awkward.

Mike is coming.

And Pamela.

Sadly, as much as one loves playing with
balls, one's rather pressed for time.

No wonder you stuck it out for so long.
You must have barely seen one another.

And what's with all
this silverware?

It's like a bloody shrine.

I used to spend hours
polishing those.

And I think...

Yes, from that tournament on,
he was sleeping with her.

Well, he doesn't deserve
any prizes for that.

- Come on, your turn!
- No, I can't!

Just do it.

Go on, Sandra. Give it to him.

How does that make you feel?

Well, I was gonna... I was gonna say
better than sex, but it's been so long,

I've forgotten what it's like.

Was Mike a good lover?

I... I think so.

Please tell me there
was life before Mike?

No wonder you put all
that crap on a pedestal.

- Hello.
- Hi.

What are they doing here?

Well, you needed a
man with a Van.

I got you two for
the price of one.

Charlie, I think I
owe you an apology.

I must have come across

quite rude when we first met.

Ah, it's already forgotten.

Anyway, I know how
disorientating it can be

when you find
yourself on your own.

Does it get any easier?

I hope so.

Oi! Are Ted and I the only
ones working around here?

Oh, sorry.

I'll need to report you for an
unscheduled rest break, Charlie.

- You grass!
- Bugger!

- Oh, er, hang on.
- Okay.

Perhaps we should take a
bit of a tea break, eh?

- Yeah.
- Obviously with

- comrade Ted's permission here.
- Da.

Any chance of
something stronger?

Ow! Ooh.

Are you all right?

- I don't fancy being Fred without ginger.
- What?

At the mash-up if you
can't flippin' dance.

The last thing I want
to miss is the fun.

- Worst case, maybe someone else...
- Not happening.

- No.
- Why?

She won't have time
to learn it, anyway.

- She knows it better than I do.
- What difference does that make?

No, it's all right. My treat.

Thank you.

It's my round.

- What do you fancy?
- Yes, ladies.

- Erm, a half of lager, please.
- Half a lager.

- Okay, I'll have a gin and tonic.
- G and t.

Sandra?

What are you doing here?

Just picking up a few souvenirs
from our life together.

Come on, Mikey, let's go.

That's right, run along, pretend
that nothing's happened.

Let's not cause another
scene, Sandra.

Heaven forbid. Perfectly all
right to destroy a marriage,

not okay to talk about it.

Home wrecker.

Home maker, more like.

You may look as
if you're in some

washing powder commercial, but underneath,
you'll always be a grubby little bitch.

Come on, Pamela, let's go.

Come on, leave it.

Whoa! Well, that's her told!

This one's on the house.

Well done!

Touché.

- Here she is!
- Sorry I'm late. I couldn't find my keys.

- Come on, bif.
- Come on, you lot.

- Are you sure you're up to this?
- Shake a leg! Crack on!

- I better be.
- Yes. Move along, get inside.

Go! Let's go!

- You look nervous, Ted.
- I'm not nervous.

- I'm bloody terrified.
- You'll be fine.

I hope.

Charlie, hang on.

- Room for a small one?
- Yay!

So, you changed your mind, lass.

About a lot of things,
actually, Ted.

♪ One two three o'clock
four o'clock rock! ♪

♪ Five six seven o'clock,
eight o'clock rock!

♪ Nine ten eleven o'clock
twelve o'clock rock! ♪

Hey!

Gramps, look what
grandma sent me.

It's gone viral.

Tsk, she looks ridiculous.

She's had her hair done.
It's knocked years off her.

- Ooh!
- Sorry. Foot slipped.

- Come on, bif!
- What?

We're in danger of sobering up?

Not on my watch.

Try.

Mmm, lethal.

Isn't that the point?

Yes.

Charlie?

Ah! Refreshments!

Lovely!

- Cheers, buddy!
- Right, that looks a bit tasty!

Listen. Oh, look!
Listen, listen.

Londonyouth14 commented,

"they may be clapping, but
these old peeps are banging!"

Whoo-hoo.

In english, please.

He's saying despite being
old, and a little frayed,

these elderly people
are rather good.

Who's gonna argue with that?

Oh, hello.

Hiya.

I can't believe how...

How homely your barge is.

Mmm. You sound surprised.

Well, I suppose I've never really
thought of a boat as a place to live.

- Want to...
- Oh, yes, thanks.

So how long have you had it?
Uh, her?

Oh, it's...

Coming up to about five years, I
think, since I sold the house.

Everybody advised
me to, you know,

stay on the property ladder, keep
my money in bricks and mortar.

Yeah, they say the same thing to
me about my share of the sale.

Well, you know, this country's obsessed
with home ownership, isn't it?

Hmm.

You know, I suppose it makes
people feel independent.

But I see it differently.

It's like a trap.

Plus I, uh, I had to free
up a bit of capital.

Well, I can certainly see the advantage
of being able to change your neighbours

whenever you feel like it.

I won't tell Ted you said that.

So do you...

See yourself living
like this forever?

No.

No, no.

When the time's right, I plan
to take on a bigger adventure.

You know, sail
across the channel.

Slowly work my way down through
France to the camargue.

That sounds idyllic.

Yeah.

As long as the pump on the
toilet doesn't pack up.

Well, you know...

Here.

Can you remind me exactly
why we're doing this?

Because swimming's good for you.

Not in the middle of winter.

Do shut up.

Morning, pru, what's
the water like?

Very cold. Not
that you'd notice.

What's wrong with her?

We had a thing
once, didn't last.

You...

You swing both ways?

Sure, sometimes.

You should try it. Doubles your
chances on Saturday night.

- Hello.
- Hi.

You and Charlie seem to
be getting on better.

Well, he's... he's
a very good host.

I noticed some guests got
more attention than others.

Last one in is a sissy.

I'll count you in.

Ten, nine, eight...

Are you afraid to warm up? You
should start moving. Come on!

Ow! Ooh.

What's the matter?

My bloody back's
playing up again.

- Ow!
- Serves you right.

I can't believe you
still make these.

I remember mum teaching us to
do them like it was yesterday.

I think she regretted
it, though.

We used to drive her mad squabbling
over the glitter, didn't we?

My favourite Christmas treat was being
taken up to London to see the lights.

Apart from that time when we
went to see Santa at selfridges,

and you peed yourself
when you sat on his knee.

I don't know who was
more upset, me or him.

Him probably.

Shall we go tomorrow?

Huh? What? To see the lights?

Why not?

Okay.

We could do a bit of shopping, 'cause
I need to get something for Luke.

Hmm. All right, well, you do that
first and then I'll meet you later.

- Wait, I'm gonna help you down.
- Help you down?

- Or I'll go down.
- No, no, no, no. Come on.

Hello, Sandra.

Oh, Charlie.

Well, bif didn't say
you were coming.

No, no, she didn't say you were
coming either, is she here?

All right, um...

I'll, I'll just call her.

All right, yeah, yeah.

Sandra, hi.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I ran into an old flame this afternoon,
I completely lost track of time.

- Sorry, we're ready.
- What?

Didn't I mention
he was joining us?

Yeah. Listen, I've got to go.

I'll see you back at home.

Okay, bye.

Standard! Standard!

She's not coming, is she?

Nope.

Well, it'd be a shame not to see
the lights... Now we're here.

Hmm?

- Right.
- Shall we? Yeah.

I don't know. What was
wrong with a satsuma

and a couple of walnuts
in a stocking?

I wanted to make up
for not being there.

- Here, let me take that.
- Oh, thank you.

Makes it a bit easier
for you, yeah.

Actually, this will be the first
year I won't see my grandson

open his stocking.

Christmas without any children
is going to feel very strange.

Yeah. We tried for kids, but...

It just didn't happen.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, it's okay. No. In some ways, it...
It brought us closer together.

Anyway, Lilly always said I was enough
trouble to look after, you know?

Yeah.

Tonight's been a trip
down memory Lane.

I once stood on this corner with 300
girls queuing around the block.

Yeah? For what?

Waiting to audition
for chorus line.

You're a dark horse, aren't you?

I had a feeling you
had a bit of form!

Did you make the cut?

Well, sort of. Erm, I got
through the second round

but then I discovered
I was pregnant.

So, I embraced a different role.

Motherhood.

Ever fancy giving it another go?

Mike had a rather traditional
view of family life,

and being a west-end Wendy
didn't really fit into that.

That's your Van, isn't it?

Oh, no. No.

Hey, excuse me, mate,
I say, excuse me!

You've gotta be kidding me. I
mean, I've paid till 11 o'clock.

Not to park on a motorbike
bay, you didn't.

Yeah, but it's gotta be a
matter of inches, isn't it?

Come on, where's your
Christmas spirit?

I drive a tow truck, mate,
not Santa's sleigh.

How much is the fine, anyway?

£280 for moving it, plus the
parking ticket of 65 quid.

Then, 40 quid a day
storage after that.

Surely, in a situation like this, where
someone has made a genuine mistake...

You are breaking my heart, lady.

Ah, well, as a matter of
fact, I happen to be... ooh!

Oi!

What the hell are you doing?

You coming?

Oi.

Oi! You can't do that!

Grinch!

Maniacs!

Okay. Keep your eye out
for the wanted posters.

Thank you for the
door-to-door service.

- Goodnight, Charlie.
- Yeah, goodnight.

How long had you been
planning that little stunt?

At our stage of life,

why waste time waiting for things
to take their natural course?

- So, did you?
- No!

He didn't try to kiss me or get his
leg over or anything else untoward.

- He was a perfect gentleman.
- I need to have a word with him.

No, you need to leave it alone.

You've meddled quite enough,
thank you very much.

Tell me you at least had fun.

Yes, I did.

Cheers.

Before you go off and join the
queue for Santa's grotto,

I've got an early Christmas
present for you all.

We've been talent spotted.

The artistic director
of the Rome biennale

has invited us to perform, after
seeing our flash mob online.

We leave on the 10th of February,
for two nights, all expenses paid.

We're going to Rome!

This hotel better
have satellite TV.

I cannot miss arsenal
beating the spurs again.

Oh, Ted, we're going to
Rome, city of lovers!

Exactly! The only question
you should ask yourself

is whether you can
upgrade to a bigger bed!

Come on, come on!
Go fast, go faster!

Go faster!

On three. One, two...

- We've all got one!
- Ooh, a little frame.

Hang on, let's have a look here.
Oh, here we are.

What's this? Oh...
okay, all right.

All right, erm...

"Which, er, playwright was
terrified of Christmas?"

Don't know.

Noël coward!

Ha-ha-ha!

Okay, okay, okay.

"What do you get if you eat
Christmas decorations?"

Tinsel-itis.

Bif, what have you got?

You know how they say, you
can't choose your family

- but you can choose your friends?
- Yeah.

Well, I couldn't have chosen
a better bunch than you lot.

Aw!

And Sandra, over the
last few months,

I've realised I've
got my sister back.

And that's the most precious Christmas
gift I could have wished for.

Aw, good.

- To family and friends.
- Yeah.

- To family and friends.
- Cheers!

Now, does anybody fancy another
one of these rissoles?

Rissoles are cheap today!

It's been a disaster from
start to finish, mum.

It's the worst Christmas ever!

- What happened?
- Lunch was inedible.

It all came out of a packet and
Pamela still managed to burn the lot.

Luke wasn't even allowed
to play on her new carpet

with the remote-control
Jeep you bought.

And then, she and dad got drunk on
mulled wine and had a blazing row.

So the day got better then?

- Mum!
- Sorry, sorry.

I'll take some of
these pies back home.

- Oh, that's a good idea.
- Shame to let them go to waste!

Can you pick up a couple
of glasses from in there?

Yeah, let's get this
carnage cleared up.

Shh, shh, shh, she's asleep.

She's out for the count.

To be honest, I was really
dreading Christmas this year,

but it has been one of the
most enjoyable I can remember.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, I'm...

Although, I'll tell you,

I'll be pleased not to have to listen to
any more Christmas tunes until next year.

What, er... what music
are you into, then?

Er...

This sounds terrible, but
I'm not really sure.

Mike used to play drive time compilations
in the car, but we didn't really

have any in the house.

How can a couple not have
music in their lives?

I mean, the pressure on
conversation is insane.

Now that's more like it.

Well, what, don't
you know this one?

No.

Yeah, it's, er, it's
called the Harlem shake.

- Come on, give it a go.
- No, I'll just do this lot.

Come on, come on, come on, they're
not going to go anywhere, are they?

Come on, come on, right, so
it's all about the hips, right?

It's in the hips and
the shoulders, so...

Right, so hips...

- I don't know what kind...
- Come on, what's going on down here?

I thought you were supposed
to be a pro or something.

I mean, you look like you're trying
to crack a walnut down there!

Thank you! Charming!

Come on, you're gonna have
to loosen up a little bit.

Shake it out a little
bit, all right?

Yeah...

Oh, now you look like you're
trying to hump the wall!

Okay, all right.

Are you all right?
What's the matter?

Can you get my inhaler?
It's in my cardigan.

All right?

- There you go.
- Thanks.

I didn't know you had asthma.

Okay?

Mmm... it flares up
from time to time.

It's fine now.

I'm sorry for being
such a bad host.

Falling asleep on the job.

Don't worry about it. Don't apologise.
You left me in very capable hands.

I'm fine now.

- All right?
- Mmm.

Oh...

Use your inhaler!

Oh.

Mmm...

- Morning.
- Mmm.

Oh, I'm starving.

What are all those?

They're for the asthma.

I'm dying.

There had better be a
good punchline to this.

How about stage 4 lung cancer?

They referred me
to an oncologist,

when they couldn't make out
why my back wasn't mending.

And then I got the result of a
scan, a couple of weeks ago.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I needed the time, just to
get my head around everything.

So when do you start chemo?

I'm not going to put myself
through all of that.

You have to.

No, I don't.

I don't want any tears, Charlie.

You aren't getting any.

Oh.

Purely medicinal purposes.

- Mmm.
- Can I have a puff?

You're the only
people I'm telling.

I couldn't bear everyone else to start
treating me like a sick old woman.

What about Jackie and Ted?

What I need most are
things to look forward to.

And if I tell everyone,
it will spoil Rome.

You're not still
thinking of going?

No.

I thought I'd just sit
here and wait to die.

- Buongiorno, madame.
- Buongiorno.

Did you know she
could speak Italian?

- Not a clue!
- Okay, everybody, let's get

our glad rags on. It's called
the eternal city for a reason.

- I'll take it.
- It's all right, Sandra.

I've got cancer, I'm
not an amputee!

Stunning!

- Thank you.
- Oh, I meant the view.

- Oh, yes.
- No, no, I'm only joking.

Of course, I am.

Oh, no, you look bellissimo.

Look, Sandra,

I know it's difficult...

But bif's made her choice.

I'm trying to be strong for her,

but we're cut from
different cloth.

You two are more similar
than you realise.

Ah, it's a good job we don't
have a bloody matinée tomorrow.

We do.

What can you do? Signore!

That's exactly what
the doctor ordered.

I've eaten so much, I think
I might need a doctor!

Oh, I love this city.

And it seems to love you.

I first came here in 1969,

when I hitch-hiked across
Europe with Polly Watkins.

- I don't remember that.
- No, well, you were still at school.

By day, I was a chambermaid,

and by night, I was
Audrey hepburn,

looking for my own
Roman holiday.

That's when I met him.

Which "him" is this?

His name was gino.

A group of us used to hang out
at his parents' restaurant

after closing time and eat huge
feasts of all the leftovers.

He called me his
little pattumiera.

- Huh?
- Little dustbin.

Because I'd eat
anything he cooked.

He had a way with words, then.

He had a way with most things.

Look at this.

We were madly in love,

and planned to spend
our lives together.

His parents gave
us their blessing.

And then,

two weeks before I was
supposed to move here,

he was killed in a
stupid car cash.

No.

And when I finally got
myself back in one piece,

I vowed I wouldn't ever let
myself feel that pain again.

And I haven't.

But you know what?

Being back here now,

I regret it.

Regret what?

Never falling in love again.

Oi, come on, you two!

Big day tomorrow.

Time to go up the wooden
hill to bedfordshire.

Come on.

- Come on.
- Yeah.

Oh...

Hello, Nicola.

Is everything all right?

Yes, great.

Dad's left Pamela. He's
going to call you.

Really? What's he expecting?

Me to come running back
now he's had his fun.

I don't know. Will you
at least speak to him?

It's not that simple.

Besides,

I'm in Rome.

Rome? What are you doing there?

I'm dancing.

At a festival.

You don't like dancing.

There are a lot of things I forgot I
liked whilst I was with your father.

Listen, darling, I've got to go,

'cause we're on
stage in about...

Oh, shit!

- Buongiorno, madame.
- Buongiorno.

- Are you enjoying your morning?
- Oh, lovely, thank you!

What do you think, Charlie?

Not bad for a warm-up act.

Sorry. Where the hell is Sandra?
We're on in five.

How's your head?

Thumping in time with the beat.

All right, guys? Come.

I'm here.

- Oh! Thank goodness!
- Oh, here she is!

Oh, here she is. Okay,
guys, it's show time.

Just remember, if you enjoy
it, they'll enjoy it.

- You'll be fabulous.
- Break a leg, everyone.

Well done.

Bravo!

Bravo!

Whoo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

- Look out.
- Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Whoa!

Now, you sure you don't want me
to stay in with you tonight?

We could order up room
service, anything you fancy?

Definitely not.

All the excitement has taken it out of me.
I just need to rest.

You go and enjoy
yourself with Charlie.

Mmm.

Promise me, you won't make
the same mistake I did.

I'm not sure I could...

Ever trust anyone again, really.

Sometimes, you just need
to take a leap of faith.

Yes, bullseye! Right.

"First one guarantees that
you will return to Rome."

Okay, and what's this one for?

No, I'm not telling you
till you've thrown it.

Yes! Bosh! Right. Yeah, right.

It says that the second one...

Leads to new romance.

What's the third one for?

It's... marriage.

One sec. Sandra, erm...

There's something I need...

Well, you're not going to
tell me you're married?

What...

Yeah, Lilly's in the advanced
stage of Alzheimer's.

I thought you told me
your wife had died.

No, no, I never said that.

She's been in a care home
for the past five years.

She doesn't recognise me.

She doesn't remember anything
about our life together any more.

Does bif know?

- Yeah.
- Well, why wouldn't she have told me?

Well, perhaps she wanted
us both to be happy again.

Oh, I... I can't do this.

Sandra, Sandra, Sandra,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

Please, please,
listen, just listen.

I didn't imagine for a minute

that I would be able to move on.

- But then you come into my life...
- I wouldn't have dropped my guard

if I'd known the truth.

But I promise you,

I didn't set out to deceive you.

I've grown really
fond of you, Charlie.

But after what
I've been through,

I can't be the other woman.

Sorry.

Bif.

Jackie, was bif at breakfast?

I'm not sure but I'm not
at my best this morning.

Ted and I stayed up until
3:00 testing various grappas.

- Do you want me to go and check?
- No, no, she's probably just having

a lie in, it's fine.

- Thank you, grazie.
- Prego.

Morning.

Did you hear me? I've
been knocking for ages.

Come on, we're gonna miss
the best of the day.

Hmm?

Oh...

No.

Oh...

Bif.

Growing up with bif
as my big sister,

I inherited my very own
alternative life coach.

I learned the ways of the world

through her example, and
as you can imagine,

it wasn't all textbook stuff.

The one thing she wasn't able to teach
me was how to say her name properly,

which is how she ended
up being known as bif,

due to my inability to
pronounce Elizabeth.

My biggest regret

is that over the
years we grew apart,

and it was only when we
reconnected last summer,

that I realised quite
how much I missed...

Her guiding hand.

Her lust for life
was contagious.

And being around her again
forced me to wake up

and start making the most of it.

My sister was loyal,

fun,

challenging,

mischievous, generous, loving
and stubborn as a mule.

She quite simply refused to be defined
by convention, or more recently,

illness.

She was truly a one-off.

The world is going to be a
duller place without you, bif.

Last one in is a sissy.

- You did very well.
- Are you coming afterwards?

Yes, I'll see you back up there.

Sandra.

I, er...

Can we talk?

About what?

Mum.

- About how you're coping...
- Mum?

- I...
- I'm going to go ahead and get the car.

Okay.

- You look shattered.
- I'm fine.

No, you're not.

We're not.

Please come home, mum.

I want to have you with
us for your big birthday.

There's nothing keeping
you here, any more.

I'll see you at the top.

Sandra.

- I know there's no point in...
- No. None at all, Mike.

I know I behaved like
a complete idiot.

Whatever gave you that idea.

But sometimes the wrong turns in
life bring us to the right place.

I'd do anything, and everything

to take away the pain and humiliation
my stupidity has caused you.

I realise now how much
I really do love you,

have always loved you.

Give me... us, a second chance,

and I promise, I won't take
you for granted ever again.

Hmm.

Is that the lot, Sandra?

Yep, that's it.

Well, the charity shops will
not know what hit them.

Half of most of it came from
there in the first place.

- Good luck, Sandra.
- Thank you.

I really do hope it
works out for you.

Well, everyone deserves
a second chance.

Even my husband.

And I hope he knows
how lucky he is.

Welcome home, love.

I went to marks and did
a bit of a food shop.

I got the veal and ham
pie we like for tea.

Er, I couldn't find your pickle.

As you know, I'm a bit of
a stranger to the larder.

I had a whisk round
with the hoover.

But I fear my efforts
will not pass muster.

Dear Sandra,

I wanted to let you know that
Lilly has sadly passed away.

Now that she has reached
the end of her journey,

it feels like the right time to
embark on a new one of my own.

I'm setting sail for
France on the 15th,

from my moorings in
Paddington to make the tide.

So if you're life is
still without music,

and you fancy a decent
croissant or two...

Give it to me.

Stop it.

Slower.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
and those of you who are undecided.

We're gathered here today to celebrate
the birthday of my wonderful wife.

Like a fine wine, she only
grows better with time,

and I'm looking forward to sharing
many more vintage years with her.

- Aw!
- Happy birthday, my love.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ happy birthday to you ♪

Come on.

♪ Happy birthday, dear Sandra ♪

♪ happy birthday to you ♪

God, look what
Gloria is wearing.

Do you remember that
time in claridge's when,

when we told her to
get the sommelier,

and she tried to order
two bottles of it?

Do you remember?

Oh, was it claridge's?
My memory.

Granny, can you teach
me how to dance?

Oh, I'm in the
middle of a story!

Of course, I can, darling.
Come on.

Oh!

- I want you to take your shoes off.
- Okay.

Now, I want you to put
your feet on mine.

This is really boring.
Can't we do gangnam style?

Oh, I don't think I know that.

Wait, wait, wait, stay
there, stay there.

Excuse me, excuse me.

You're making a spectacle of yourself,
Sandra. Everybody's looking.

Who fucking cares?

I do. You've had too much to
drink, let's get you a coffee.

Come on. Come on.

The last thing I need
is a bloody coffee.

I'm stone-cold sober, Mike.

You know, I didn't think anything could
be worse than being betrayed by you.

But actually, I've realised I've spent
the last 35 years betraying myself.

I want you to remember that
granny loves you very much.

I love you, too, darling.

- I'll keep in touch.
- Mum, where are you going?

To see the world. It's
bigger than this.

Charlie, where'd
you want the bait?

Yeah, just there by the
hatch, mate, thanks.

Hey, Ted, if you change
your mind, mate,

plenty of room in
here for a stowaway.

Aye, if it wasn't for the grand kids,
I'd love to be your cabin boy.

Hey, why don't you give
Jackie a ring, eh?

Ask her out for a drink.

- You think so?
- Mind you, if it goes anywhere,

make sure you get a prenup.

I'm going to get out here.

Sandra?

What are you doing here?

- Where's Charlie?
- He left a few minutes ago.

Oh!

Wrong way.

Oh. Wrong way. Thank you.

Charlie.

Charlie!

Charlie!

Sandra!

I didn't think you'd come!

Neither did I, but you're right,

it's impossible to find a
decent croissant in surrey.

What are you doing?

I'm taking a leap of faith!