Original subtitles

[hip-hop playing loudly]

Yo, sweetheart, what is your name?

What is your name?!

[music continues playing loudly]

What's your name?

Your name?

[chuckles]

[music continues playing loudly]

[volume decreases, Derwin laughs]

You were saying?

I was saying, what are you doing for the next 24 hours?

You tell me.

Oh.Oh, right here.

Whoo!

Damn. Nice.

Girl, I been with you all day. Yeah.

We went to lunch, I took you shopping,

VIP at the club.

Raq, you got this one.

Nah, but I got you.

So, uh, what can I get you guys?

What's good?

[high-pitched whirring]

Melanie, what are you doing?

I'm shredding pictures of Derwin.

That is not Derwin.

This is my brother.

Yeah, well, too bad, okay?

He looks like Derwin.

Derwin came into the diner tonight... with a girl.

Do I look like I care?

It is 3:00 in the morning.

But you should have seen him cheesing and grinning

with his stupid ass.

And they were making out.

[scoffs]

Right there in public.

Skanky hoochie ho and stupid-ass Derwin.

What rock did he find her under?

If you care so much, why don't you just ask him?

And look pathetic?

Now, go get your keys.

We got to do a drive-by.

Yeah.

I knew I should have done a background check on you.

Good night.

Skanky hoochie ho.

Yo, man, it was so sad.

Yo, there I am with my girl, right?

And Melanie walks up

with this greasy apron and these busted-ass shoes

asking us if we wanted something to drink.

And I know she was shook

'cause she didn't even tell us the specials.

Okay, hold up.

Your girl? Mm-hmm.

Okay, let me get this straight.

You meet a broad in traffic,

rub up against her, maybe share some eggs,

and all of a sudden this chick is your girl?

Have you not read the Playa Handbook?

Where do I pick that up, Malik, huh-- Amazon.com?

No, I think you get it at Unwritten.com, you 'tard.

What now?

We're trying to help you live the life

of a single professional athlete.

Which by your blank stare,

I can tell you don't fully realize that you are.

No, I am living the life, all right?

My place is fly, got a new whip, a new girl.

Listen, man, all I'm saying is seeing Melanie last night

with them gravy stains...

Okay, forget about her and her gravy stains, all right?

That chapter's over.

We're trying to school you right now, boy.

'Cause they obviously didn't teach you this stuff

in... Mayberry.

Look, guys, I understand what you're trying to say,

but Raquel... Oh!

Ah-ah! What now?

Rule number one-- no names, okay?

And if you've got to call her something,

give 'em nicknames, like

Hottie, Buckwild, Delicious,

Not So Delicious.

And to avoid the need for names,

we have rule number two--

you never spend more than four consecutive hours

with the same chick. Right.

Which leads us to rule number three...

No sleepovers. Thank you.

Hit it and quit it.

In and out. Bob and weave.

Stick and move. Thank you for the ass, honey.

Deuces. Deuces.

[phone ringing]Hold up.

Yo, it's Raq... Ah!

M-My girl... Boy!

All right, I'll call her Eggs, man.

I'll call her Eggs.

What it do, Eggs?

Uh-huh.

Hey, Kelly.

Sweetie, what are you doing here?

I'm about to start my Sunbeam meeting.

Um, I'm sorry, Kelly, but look,

I really need to talk to you.

Okay, um, I ran into Derwin

and he was with this girl.

Aw...

Was she pretty?

No.

Yes. [sighs]

You haven't heard anything about her, have you?

No, sorry.

But, you know, if you want to hang around,

maybe you'll hear something from the Sunbeams.

Okay, thanks, Kelly.

Oh. No, no, no, no, no.

Not out in the open, mm-mm.

You're a civilian now.

You got to hide.

Um, just go busy yourself in the kitchen.

Oh, in fact, why don't you handle my, my oven?

It's not self-cleaning.

Hi, Kelly.

Hey, ladies.

Oh, my God, Mathis, look at you.

You're huge.

Okay, not the thing to say.

Med School, what the hell you doing here?

Shh, shh. Just pretend I'm not here.

[whispering]: Okay, will do.

Red alert. Red alert.

We got an intruder in our midst.

Oh, come on, Tasha.

Has it really come to this?

Look, you started this dance

when you cabbage-patched your way into Malik's bed.

So go on, moonwalk yourself on out of here.

Go on. Now get.

[snapping fingers rhythmically]

Kelly?

Sorry.

Kelly.

Now get.

Thanks for having my back, Sergeant at Arms.

God, these people think they can just barge in here anytime they want.

I'm thinking about getting a gun.

When you're serious, I know a guy.

Excuse me.

Um, that girl-- the one you called Med School?

Why do you call her Med School?

Uh, 'cause she's in med school, Ditzy.

Excuse me?

Oh, girl, please, look, I give everybody nicknames.

Med School, Ditzy, Drunky.

Okay, okay, I get it.

Bitchy.

I got your "Bitchy" in my trunk.

[sighs]

Derwin.

What are you doing here?

Uh, I live here.

The question is: what are you doing here?

'Cause I vaguely remember you moving out.

Yeah, well, um, I just wanted to, um...

I forgot my thing.

Your thing? Yes, my thing.

I moved out in such a rush, I forgot it.

Okay.

You're more than welcome to come in and look for it.

[scoffs] Thank you.

You're welcome.

What happened to the little black boy?

Okay, in case you haven't noticed,

he's a grown-ass man now, Melanie.

No, the photograph of the little black boy

I gave you after you got drafted.

Oh, yeah.

My decorator--

he said it didn't go with my new drapes.

And these new joints right here are Italian.

What?

Black and white photography lends itself

more to an Art Deco.

[laughing]

Wow.

Nice, mm-hmm. Okay.

So now you're that guy?

Okay, what's that supposed to mean?

Well, um, cheesy apartment,

even cheesier girl.

Oh.

Okay, so that's what this is about, huh, my girl?

Oh.

Oh, so she isyour girl?

What you care about Eggs?

What?

Look, the only thing I care about is my photo, okay, Derwin?

It was a gift.

And you got rid of it so you can make room

for some stupid butt picture yourself

and some gaudy-ass Italian drapes?

That picture is not stupid.

You're stupid.

No, you are.

Since when do you

spend your money on this kind of crap?

Since I stopped having to pay for medical school.

Ah.

Turns out I have a lot more cheddar for cheesing.

Jealous?

Jealous?

Ha!

I'm ecstatic.

Looks like I just dodged a big old cheesy bullet.

Oh, yeah, "ha" to you.

Looks like I dodged a big old slutty bullet,

Little Miss "I Slept With Trey Wiggs."

Oh, okay, so now I'm a slut?

Well, you know, I'd rather be a slut than a... cornball.

You corny mother...

Oh, whatever, Slutnik!

Yeah, well, whatever, Malik wannabe.

What'd you say?

Oh, Malik's got a Porsche, so you get a Porsche.

So?

Malik's got a big TV,

so you got to get a big TV.

Malik's got a safari look; you had to go Lion King.

You ain't nothing but a poor man's version of Malik.

No, no, no, wait, wait.

You're Malik's bitch.

You know what, Melanie, get up out of my house!

Bounce!

Are you sure you don't want to check with Malik first?

Hey, babe.

Hey.

[clears throat]

Can I get a little help here?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

These aren't grocery bags.

You...!

There are clothes in here with name brands on them.

They'd better be irregular.

Hmm, they're irregular, all right.

Irregularly expensive.

Oh, what's wrong?

Afraid it's going to cut into your steroid budget?

Oh, come on.

Kel, I'm just saying, you might want to go

easy on the spending until I get my new contract.

Next time just... tell me before you go crazy.

Oh, like you told me before you started shooting up?

Would you stop with that, please?

Uh-oh.

Is this that 'roid rage I've been hearing about?

Ooh.

Look at that vein just popping out on your neck.

Ew, is that a pimple?

Damn, these side effects are a bitch.

I get it. You're mad at me.

Okay, you got to stop with the passive-aggressive behavior.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Okay, well, could you stop, please?

'Cause it's starting to hurt my feelings.

All right, fine.

Can you at least help me carry my bags upstairs?

Seeing that you're all pumped up on steroids.

You know what?

It's a beautiful day at Tavern on the Grease.

I'll be your server.

Ask about our specials.

[chuckling]: That's funny-- she thinks we'd eat here.

You're Med School, aren't you?

I'm sorry, do I know you?

No, but, uh, that's good.

That way, we protect the innocent.

Look, seeing as you're in medical school and all,

we think that you can help us with something.

Oh, God, you're not in labor, are you?

I heard a rumor about a woman who had

a baby by a basketball player.

Can't say who, but let's just say

his name rhymes with Shabron Aames.

You know how she did it?

Inquiring minds want to know.

With a turkey baster.

What?

A turkey baster.

It's not just for basting turkeys.

Well... there goes Thanksgiving.

We're willing to pay you

to help my girl get pregnant the same way.

I, uh, nabbed my man the old-fashioned way.

Told him I was on the pill.

But my friend could use a little help.

How does $4,000 sound?

Look, um, I can't imagine that that would work.

I mean, I guess you'd have to freeze--

How much?

Oh, she wants to negotiate.

Derwin Davis is worth it.

Are you sure you're not talking about someone

who rhymes with Derwin Davis?

No.

$4,250.

You in?

Hey, Ma,

you like your sauce mild or spicy?

Do you have to ask?

[knocking at door]

I'll get it.

Can you keep stirring that for me? Sure.

No, no, no, no, no.

I need you to do it sexy.

You've definitely done this before.

Hey. Melanie?

Girl, what you doing here?

I'm kind of in the middle of something.

What, did you forget to leave this bitch a tip?

You know what? I need to talk to you.

In private.

Well, there's nothing you can say to me

that you can't say in front of... my girl.

Hmm.

I have herpes.

[clears throat]

I'll be right back, Eggs.

Bitch.

Herpes, Melanie?

Really?

You really need to stop this silliness and move on.

'Cause it's obvious that I have.

You know what? Forget it.

I came here to warn you,

but you deserve whatever "your girl" gives you.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

So what you saying-- shehas herpes?

No, Jethro.

She's trying to trap you with a turkey baster.

A tu... a-a turkey baster?

Yeah.

It ain't just for basting turkeys.

All right, Melanie, now you're just making stuff up.

Why the hell would I start lying to you now?

'Cause you want me back.

Please, negro.

Are you serious?

I don't want your cheating ass.

You know what?

Go back in there with your turkey baster.

I hope she takes you for everything you're worth.

Which ain't much.

And you know, whatever you're doing with your chest--

very gay.

[sultry R & B playing]

Damn.

Yo, you killing me, Eggs.

Don't die on me now, baby.

Hold up, hold up.

Bathroom break.

Yeah, I just flushed it.

What are you talking about?

Oh, baby, come on, Eggs.

Don't try and play stupid.

Derwin, I was just...Shh.

Don't say anything.

'Cause I want to remember you just as you were...

sunny-side up.

[music continues in background]

What, you're not going to let me get dressed?

Girl, you can do whatever you want.

You just can't do it here.

So, what, that's it?

Uh... yeah.

Oh, thanks for the ass.

Deuces.

$38 for a whole week's worth?

How do you live on this?

You got two choices, honey.

Steal food or sleep with Jorge.

Between you and me, Jorge's safer.

Oh, and push the pie.

It's starting to mold.

You know, if you're going to take up a seat,

you're going to have to order something.

Okay...

What's good?

The pie.

How about a big, fat slice?

[chuckles]

You know what, Mel?

Just, uh... I'll just take some coffee.

Okay.

What's this?

It's a peace offering.

Your little black boy.

I found it in storage.

So I was right about your girl?

Look, Mel, I never said she was my girl... Yes, you did.

You said that she... Mel...

Melanie, listen.

I don't want to fight with you anymore.

Okay?

I came down here to say thank you

for having my back.

Appreciate that.

I don't have change for a hundred.

It's a tip.

You know, Derwin, I can take care of myself.

I know.

I can.

I heard you.

Good.Good.

I'm not taking this.

Well, I'm not taking it back.

Well, fine.

Fine.

Good.Good.

Take it easy, Mel.

Back off, Eunice.

I guess I'm gonna have me a hot date with Jorge, huh?

Yeah, well, at least you got one.

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