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ENGINE STARTS
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GEAR GRINDS
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What?
4
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:55,680
GROANS
5
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GATE CLANGS
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DOORBELL RINGS
7
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:05,760
You all right?
8
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Hiya.
9
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:08,600
You here to see Mr Bedford?
10
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Yeah. Well, sort of.
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He's dead. No, I know.
12
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I'm here to, uh...
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HE MOUTHS
What?
14
00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,920
QUIETLY: I'm here to
clean up the blood. What?
15
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LOUD: I'm here to
clean up his blood!
16
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DOG BARKS
17
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I'm a crime scene cleaner.
18
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:25,800
Well, why are you ringing the
doorbell if you know he's dead?
19
00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,520
I thought his relatives
might be in, no?
20
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,640
No, he didn't have any.
Just a dog.
21
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,520
Well, here's the thing -
22
00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:34,000
some dogs can open
doors these days.
23
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:38,240
My mate Daz, he taught his dog
to walk on its hind legs.
24
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In the end, that's
the only way it walked.
25
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It was weird
seeing him round town.
26
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It just looked like
he was hanging out with a hairy kid
27
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that kept shitting on pavements.
28
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Good chat.
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00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:02,040
Ah, no. Argh!
30
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SIGHS
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THUNDER RUMBLES
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DOORBELL RINGS
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What the...?
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This felt more polite.
35
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Right.
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00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,320
Got another dog story?
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I am so sorry about that.
38
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:38,600
It's so stupid of me
going on about walking.
39
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,440
What? Eh?
40
00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:43,040
Um, my phone's run out of charge,
41
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and I've got the
wrong keys for next door
42
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and it's chucking it down. OK.
43
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I couldn't plug it in,
could I? Phone the boss.
44
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,640
Save me running back
to the office.
45
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:55,240
I can't imagine you've done
a lot of running lately.
46
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You can use my phone.
47
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Really? Get up!
48
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GROANS
49
00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:03,960
You OK?
50
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,440
Yes, it's middle age, isn't it?
51
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,520
The old legs
not what they once were.
52
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Bad legs.
53
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Ba-a-ad legs!
54
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I'll just get my stuff.
55
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Uh, what's in the lunch box?
56
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A ham sandwich.
57
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:21,760
Well, that can stay out there.
Why?
58
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I'm vegan.
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Course you are.
60
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Charger.
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00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:42,840
Thanks.
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00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,720
Eeee...
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00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:48,000
This is so nice of you.
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00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,440
Are you surprised to meet
a nice disabled person?
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Dis... You're not...
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00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:55,920
Are you dis...? You...
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00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,480
You're not dis...abled.
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00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:00,240
You shouldn't say that
about yourself. You're special,
69
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,920
and not special needs.
70
00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:04,200
I bet you've got exams,
have you? Course you have.
71
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,800
Can you re...
Course you can read! Come on!
72
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:09,880
So you didn't notice
the wheelchair?
73
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:14,080
Yeah, I suppose I did.
74
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,240
My peripheral vision,
I must have clocked it,
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00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:17,560
like you do with fat people,
76
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,760
I must have thought,
"Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, fat."
77
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,520
Fat?
You're not fat, you're thin.
78
00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:24,040
Not too thin. You're about
the right weight, are you?
79
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:25,640
The phone's in there. Yeah!
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00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,560
Left!
81
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:32,440
It's here!
82
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:34,920
Fucking hell.
83
00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:40,880
It's fine.
When are they sending someone?
84
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:44,280
Yeah? No, no, it's fine.
85
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:45,880
Yeah, I can wait, course.
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00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,000
All right. All right, boss.
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CLEARS HIS THROAT
They're sending someone over.
88
00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:52,560
OK.
89
00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:05,840
Well...
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00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:10,520
I'll be off.
91
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,040
Uh, hey!
92
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:13,360
Yes?
93
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:15,640
Well...
94
00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:17,160
Please could you get the orange?
95
00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:20,240
Oh! Yes, of course.
96
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:22,200
Yeah, I just...
I didn't like to presume.
97
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:23,960
Presume what?
98
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,800
Presume you didn't have a system.
99
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:28,880
A system for getting an orange
out from under a sofa?
100
00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:31,840
Yeah, yeah. My mate works
at a rehabilitation centre
101
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:34,400
for, um... And he says,
"You should never presume -
102
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,840
"they might find it humiliating."
103
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They? Yeah.
104
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They. Them.
105
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:40,160
You... Legs.
106
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:41,480
Well, in this instance,
107
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isn't it just being nice
to get the orange for me?
108
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,480
Of course. I shouldn't be
listening to Weasel anyway.
109
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,160
He shouldn't be allowed to work
there. He's a dirty bastard.
110
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He'll bone anyone.
111
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,400
Oh, even me?
112
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,920
Oh, my God, he'd be all over you.
113
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,120
And do I not want to get boned?
114
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Not by Weasel.
He's only got three teeth.
115
00:05:57,880 --> 00:05:59,880
Could you just get
the orange for me, please?
116
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,800
I'll get the orange. Thank you.
117
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:03,160
CRACKING
118
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:04,320
GROANS
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00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,680
Uh-oh, old legs playing up again?
120
00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,840
My bloody back's gone. Oh, has it?
121
00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:11,360
Do you mind if I just...
122
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:12,600
Sor... Sorry.
123
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:15,840
GROANS
124
00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:18,320
There she blows.
125
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:19,600
That's sore.
126
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:23,680
Ooh, it stings.
127
00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,840
Oh, when it goes, it goes.
128
00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:31,080
Look, can I wait here
till they come?
129
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,640
Course. I didn't like to presume.
130
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:36,200
Oh, yeah, that's funny,
131
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because of the, uh, the legs.
132
00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:48,880
It's not just murders.
133
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:52,520
Sometimes it's suicides
or just accidents, you know.
134
00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:54,120
So what happened to Bedford?
135
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:55,240
Oh, I shouldn't say.
136
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:56,400
What? Tell me.
137
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,720
Well, he was on his
own when he died,
138
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,600
and they didn't find him
139
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:04,240
and his dog was there. So it, uh...
140
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,760
What? It sort of...
141
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,360
..ate his head a bit.
142
00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:09,960
Good.
143
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:11,600
Good?
144
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,360
Well, he never walked that dog.
145
00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:16,160
He deserves to get his
head eaten by it. Oh, right.
146
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,040
So I'm not allowed to
have a ham sandwich,
147
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,200
but it's all right for a dog
to tuck into Mr Bedford?
148
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:21,720
Into his headford?
149
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,240
Of course, it's a dog!
150
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:25,240
It doesn't know any better.
151
00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:27,960
Yeah. Mr Bedford's deadford,
so dog ate his headford.
152
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,840
It's not appropriate, this,
is it? Any of this? No. No.
153
00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:32,800
PHONE RINGS
Oh.
154
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,880
Landline? Old school.
155
00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,360
Yeah, Mum's idea.
It's a good backup, apparently.
156
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,600
This'll be her now.
She's probably worried
157
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,000
you're stuck under the sofa
trying to get a trapped orange.
158
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,520
ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS
159
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,880
MAN: Um, uh, hi, Helena.
It...it's me.
160
00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:47,920
Um, look, I'm sorry to call,
it's just, I...
161
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:50,280
I'm do... I'm doing
pretty terrible at the moment,
162
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:51,440
and I... Oh.
163
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,840
And I needed to...to hear
the sound of your voice. I just...
164
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,400
Um, I-I thought
it would be a good idea to...
165
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,000
..to look at...at some photos...
166
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,120
Read this...
..um, of us, you know,
167
00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,960
as part of a...a healing
process, I suppose, but...
168
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,960
I just... I just miss
you so much, Helena.
169
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,800
I thought I'd get over it,
but I can't.
170
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:11,200
SOBBING: Oh, God!
171
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,920
I'm sorry.
172
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:17,440
Oh, shall I?
173
00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:19,200
I didn't call just to...
174
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:22,080
I didn't call just to cry
at you down the phone,
175
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:23,680
but these photos, I just...
176
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..I love you.
177
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,840
Bye.
BEEP
178
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,120
Mm...
179
00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:34,400
Wrong number?
180
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:35,800
What?
181
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,400
It's all I could think to say.
182
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:39,840
It was that or put
my whole fist in my mouth.
183
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,160
When did you split up?
184
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:44,560
Two months ago.
185
00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:46,240
I'm sorry.
186
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:49,000
Don't be. It was his fault.
187
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:52,320
He knew what he was getting into,
he said he could adapt,
188
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,680
but he couldn't.
189
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,200
Believe me, he couldn't.
190
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:10,880
Look,
191
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,800
I know it's normal for you,
192
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:14,960
but it must have been
a big change for him.
193
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:18,680
Well, then, he couldn't have cared.
194
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:20,600
Come on.
195
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:23,040
I mean,
if you're not used to...
196
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:25,680
Even holding hands must be weird,
mustn't it?
197
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,080
What?
198
00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:33,000
You must feel that, any minute,
you could get carried away
199
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,520
and just bowl you,
200
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:37,720
straight into a river maybe.
201
00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:39,160
And then what?
202
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:42,120
What happens if he books
a restaurant with a tall table?
203
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:43,600
What are you talking about?
204
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,080
Well, you'd know better than me,
205
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:47,800
but book the wrong place and...
206
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:51,480
..he's going to be eating
with a floating head, isn't he?
207
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:54,200
He couldn't handle
the fact that I'm vegan.
208
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:55,720
What?
209
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:59,680
We split up because he couldn't
cope with my veganism, you idiot.
210
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,040
Of course!
211
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:02,400
Of course, that's going to be
212
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,320
a real lifestyle clash
as well, isn't it?
213
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,360
I mean, what's all this bullshit?
214
00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:08,840
Do you want another cup of tea?
I've got a really dry mouth.
215
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,000
Have you got a dry mouth?
I'll make it, you stay...
216
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,720
Yeah, lovely.
Lovely cup of tea, isn't it?
217
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,040
He said it wasn't
a problem at the start.
218
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,280
He said he'd been thinking
about it anyway because
219
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,160
a lot of people at his
work had gone full vegan.
220
00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:28,120
It was perfect. And then...
221
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,240
..my friend saw him
at the supermarket,
222
00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:32,840
and all he had in his basket
223
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,120
was one big pork chop.
One big pork chop?
224
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:36,600
One big pork chop.
Please tell me
225
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:38,880
you didn't end a relationship
over one big pork chop?
226
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,040
No, of course not.
227
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,720
Thank God for that,
I was going to say!
228
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,720
A pinch of salt,
15 minutes under the grill,
229
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:46,800
it's like it never existed.
Lovely big pork chop.
230
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:47,920
I have physio on Tuesdays,
231
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:49,680
and he always said
he went to meet a friend.
232
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:51,800
I knew it, I knew it.
233
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:53,520
And I suppose...
234
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,360
..she could walk, couldn't she?
235
00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,520
It was his friend Toby.
236
00:10:58,520 --> 00:10:59,920
He's gay?
237
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,600
Gay Gareth, gay Toby, both walkers.
You poor thing.
238
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,560
They were in a steak house!
239
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,040
That's bad. Is it?
240
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,240
Yeah.
241
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,000
I confronted him there and then.
242
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,480
I could barely stand
to be in the building.
243
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:15,080
The stench of death was everywhere.
244
00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:17,880
He didn't even try and deny it.
245
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,120
Said he's been going there
every week for a "meat orgy".
246
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:22,680
A meat...orgy?
247
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,680
Mm. While I was in
there, they brought out
248
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,560
a bucket of chicken wings.
I thought I was going to be sick.
249
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:30,200
Ah, tell me about it.
Disgusting, aren't they?
250
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,320
There's nothing on 'em.
251
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,240
It's like sucking
a little skeleton.
252
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:34,600
Oh, for God's sake.
253
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:35,720
Eh?
254
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:37,240
Jeez.
255
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,360
It is!
256
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,280
Did you really dump him
257
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,560
just cos he goes for a
steak every now and then?
258
00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:50,640
Well, you might be happy to date
a mass murderer, but I'm not.
259
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,360
It's clear you've had
a few burgers, isn't it?
260
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:57,040
Ah, come on!
261
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:59,040
Yeah, it's fine to
kill and eat animals.
262
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:01,000
Maybe I should date
a people-trafficker next,
263
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,720
get myself a nice slave
to do my housework.
264
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,680
You can't compare. They're animals!
265
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:07,400
You're old enough
to remember The Smiths,
266
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,920
aren't you?
Did Morrissey not get to you?
267
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:12,320
Yeah, Meat Is Murder's a great song,
so is Fuck Tha Police.
268
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,120
I don't take songs literally.
269
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:16,120
I have had sex
with a policewoman, though.
270
00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:18,200
Look, you think...
It was a dry hump.
271
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:19,760
You think that a human
272
00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,920
is more important than
an animal, obviously.
273
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,160
Well, yeah, if I'm honest. Why?
274
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:27,800
Well, because we know
we're alive, don't we?
275
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,960
Cos we can talk
and we can wa... Heh.
276
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,920
Walk upright? Ah, no.
277
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,400
You can't get me like that.
I told you about my friend's dog.
278
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,520
Oh, will you stop
with your friend and his dog
279
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:37,760
walking on its hind legs?
280
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,800
I would have reported him
for animal cruelty.
281
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,920
The dog liked it.
It made his lipstick come out.
282
00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,680
Oh, right, well, shall we get
some photographs up, shall we?
283
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:45,800
There's no need.
284
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,240
Oh, come on,
we've got a nice one here,
285
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:51,160
of a calf being slaughtered,
and a few of some baby chickens
286
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:52,640
being thrown through the grinder.
287
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,320
It'll really sharpen up
your appetite.
288
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,600
I've seen the vegan stuff.
I get it.
289
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:59,320
I just don't think you can compare
humans and animals, that's all.
290
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,040
Because humans are
aware they're alive,
291
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:02,560
because they're sentient?
292
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:03,760
Well, yeah. Fine.
293
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:06,600
Then go down to the old people's
home, eat an Alzheimer's patient.
294
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,640
Oh, don't be daft. Why not?
295
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,240
They don't know what's going on.
296
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,680
You can have yourself
a nice Alzheimer's ribeye.
297
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:14,240
I don't want
an Alzheimer's ribeye.
298
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,520
Well, why don't you
go down to the hospital,
299
00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:18,000
eat a nice coma victim curry?
300
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,400
Stop making up
delicious human dishes!
301
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,480
Look, I can see I'm winding you up.
302
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,960
I'm going to go and wait outside.
303
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,800
Fine, go! You stink of death anyway.
304
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,680
God.
305
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:32,360
For the record,
the reason I stink of death
306
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:33,680
is, this morning, I cleaned up
307
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:36,240
the body of a woman who'd been
killed in an armed robbery.
308
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:37,400
She had three children.
309
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,520
Shall I tell them
it could have been worse?
310
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:42,720
She could have been caught
going for a steak with Gareth!
311
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,880
I like a steak myself!
312
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,920
I'm a carnivore, and you're
not going to spoil it for me!
313
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,360
I'd love to see your face
if you had to kill a cow.
314
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:55,880
I've thought about this, actually,
315
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,360
and I could kill a cow!
316
00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:58,600
You wouldn't know how to.
317
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:00,520
You're like all meat-eaters,
a coward!
318
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:02,560
I'd punch a cow
as soon as look at it.
319
00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:04,640
And then I'd eat it! Raw!
320
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:06,160
Sorry about this, mate.
321
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,760
I'm having a row with a
disabled girl about eating meat.
322
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,640
Which reminds me,
323
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,360
don't get me started about Quorn!
324
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:15,000
Are you there?
325
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,640
She's gone.
326
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,440
SIGHS
327
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:44,960
GROANS
328
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,240
SNIFFS
329
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,760
SNIFFS RAPIDLY
330
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,640
Hello, love. Hiya, Mum.
331
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,000
Fancy a hot pot?
332
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,600
Yes, come in. Yay!
333
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,240
Oh, Gareth,
334
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:17,720
you have been wronged!
335
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,480
Yeah, no, of course.
336
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:23,840
Yeah, no, I'm still here.
337
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,880
Yeah.
338
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,640
Tell him to take his time.
339
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,240
No, I'm happy to wait.
340
00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,360
I want to wait.
341
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:32,720
Cheers, Mum. Got to go.
342
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:37,080
OK. See you later, darling.
Oh, see you, Mum. Thanks!
343
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:38,720
Bye! Love you. Love you!
344
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,000
Bye! Bye!
345
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,360
KNOCKING
346
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:44,720
Hello?
347
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,080
Oh. Hello.
348
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,560
What do you want? I just wanted
to say sorry about earlier.
349
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:53,840
Apology accepted. Bye!
350
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,640
KNOCKING
351
00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:58,440
HELENA GROANS
352
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:02,400
I've been, uh, reading
about the old veganism
353
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:03,840
while I was waiting.
354
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,760
Really popular these days, isn't it?
355
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:07,040
Yeah, of course it is.
356
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:10,240
Mm, a lot of celebrities
on the old "vege".
357
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:13,760
Yeah, it's just the dinosaurs
who haven't woken up.
358
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,640
Yeah, I didn't know about cows.
359
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:18,840
Little moo cows' farts
ruining the climate.
360
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:22,280
Well done. You've learnt what
most people did a decade ago.
361
00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:24,720
What's next? Will you be recycling?
362
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,320
You're really like
superheroes, aren't you?
363
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,520
You vegans.
364
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:34,000
What do you want? I think I've
left some cleaning stuff here.
365
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,120
You didn't bring any in.
A small specialist brush.
366
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,040
I think it fell out of my pocket.
I didn't see it.
367
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,960
It's not in my bag, so...
I've told you,
368
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,400
there's nothing in here.
I would have seen it.
369
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:43,920
Perhaps it rolled under your sofa.
370
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,840
Like I said,
there's nothing in here.
371
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:47,840
Mind if I have a look?
Yes, I do mind.
372
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,320
I won't be long. No.
373
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,400
I think I'm going to jump you.
374
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,440
You wouldn't dare.
375
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:56,840
I would dare.
376
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:58,560
You wouldn't dare jump me.
377
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,520
I think I'm going to jump you.
378
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,960
No, you've got a bad back.
379
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,480
It popped back in.
380
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:07,760
No, no!
381
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:15,080
SCREAMS
382
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:24,440
SLOWED-DOWN SCREAMS
383
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:25,800
GROANS
384
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,400
Aha!
385
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,640
What do you think you're doing?
386
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,840
You just got jumped.
387
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:34,280
And now
you're going to get judged.
388
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,920
Ah! Jesus!
389
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,640
I flew too close to the sun!
390
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,000
This is for Gareth.
391
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:47,320
SLOWED-DOWN YELLING
392
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:49,800
Leave it! Leave it!
393
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,240
Mmmm!
394
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,720
Beef! I knew it!
395
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,080
WINCES
396
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,000
It's not what you think.
397
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:25,320
Is it not? Because I think that
that was a hot pot full of beef!
398
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,520
Well, it was. Unbelievable.
399
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,160
You're not a vegan?
No, I am, I am.
400
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:31,240
Did you eat that hot pot?
401
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:32,520
Well, yeah, but...
402
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,680
But nothing. Poor Gareth.
403
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,040
No, I hate it.
404
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:37,840
I just try and eat the potato,
405
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:39,640
just enough to make
her think I've had it.
406
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:40,800
Eh?
407
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,920
Your mum doesn't know
you're a vegan?
408
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,760
Well, I've tried telling her,
but she just doesn't get it.
409
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:47,760
Well, tell her she can go
to the old people's home
410
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,000
for an Alzheimer's steak.
Worked for me.
411
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,760
Well, she took it
harder than anyone.
412
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,000
Harder than me. What?
413
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,760
The accident.
414
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,400
I thought you'd always
been in a wheelchair.
415
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:00,520
No.
416
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,960
Six years ago,
car accident, drunk driver.
417
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,840
Bastard!
418
00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:09,040
Why do people do that? No, no.
419
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,480
I was the drunk driver.
420
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,240
Yeah, well, we all like a drink
when we're stressed, don't we?
421
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:14,720
Come on.
I've operated a fork lift
422
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,480
after a bottle of Schnapps.
Who hasn't?
423
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:19,280
No, I-I don't need you
to try and make me feel better.
424
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,040
It's my own fault.
425
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:22,960
I'm just lucky
that no-one else got hurt.
426
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,520
Well, I say no-one.
427
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:25,800
Oh, God.
428
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,400
You hit a cow, didn't you?
429
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:29,920
That's why you're a vegan.
430
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:32,880
No! I mean my mum.
431
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:36,000
She just worries
and worries so much.
432
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:39,400
It's difficult seeing
your own mum look at you
433
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:43,560
and then just start crying,
no reason.
434
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,520
We could be having
a perfectly nice day,
435
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,120
and then she'll see
me in my wheelchair
436
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:50,120
and it's like she's seeing
it for the first time.
437
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:52,920
But you're doing all right.
438
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:55,400
I mean, you're rubbish
at getting oranges, but...
439
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,840
I'm fine.
440
00:19:57,840 --> 00:19:59,920
I've adjusted and I love life.
441
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:01,440
I probably do more
than I would have
442
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:03,000
if it hadn't happened.
443
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,120
So you'd recommend it,
being disabled?
444
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,920
Oh, shut up.
LAUGHS
445
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:11,240
So, every week, she brings me
a hot pot or a shepherd's pie,
446
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:13,440
and I just can't bring
myself to tell her no.
447
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,160
It's her way of,
like, helping, you see.
448
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,040
Her way of being a mum.
449
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:22,000
I get it. My mum used
to make awesome hot pots.
450
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,080
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is she not here any more?
451
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:27,120
No, she's fine, she just
can't make hot pots any more.
452
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:29,160
Dad's got a catchphrase about it.
453
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,360
"Your mum used to be
a great cook, kids.
454
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,960
"Now she's shit.
I wish I'd never married her."
455
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,040
Jesus!
456
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:39,080
Oh, right, well, there you go,
there's the full story.
457
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,880
God, I'm exhausted.
I feel like I need a beer.
458
00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:43,640
Hmm, I'm sorry,
I can't help you there.
459
00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,400
It's got animal products in it.
460
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,080
I prefer a joint these days, anyway.
461
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:51,320
Is that right?
462
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:53,360
No animals in a joint.
463
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:55,080
And have you, uh...?
464
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:03,320
GASPS
465
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:04,880
You're like Robocop.
466
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:07,120
ROBOTICALLY: Your move, creep.
467
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,160
I haven't seen Robocop.
468
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:10,520
Oh.
469
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,280
How come your mum's allowed meat
470
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:53,040
and Gazza isn't?
471
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:54,880
It's different. How?
472
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,600
She's my mum, silly. She raised me.
473
00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:00,760
When I first met him,
I told him I was vegan,
474
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:02,240
and I take it seriously,
475
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,200
and I can't be
with anyone who isn't.
476
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:05,360
Right.
477
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:08,000
He chose to come into my life,
she chose to give me it.
478
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,360
I get it, your mum's
allowed meat orgies.
479
00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:15,400
Don't put my mum in the same
sentence as "orgies", right?
480
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:18,120
Oh, and for God's sake,
do not call him Gazza again.
481
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:19,520
Listen, all I'm saying is,
482
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,240
there's a double standard there,
483
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:23,960
but I'm going to let it slide
because I have a question.
484
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,960
Oh, bloody hell. I don't want
to talk about him any more.
485
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,880
It's not about him,
it's not about meat,
486
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:32,880
but it is serious.
487
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:38,920
Can you get me one?
488
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:42,080
"One"?
489
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:45,360
You know, it's the Holy Grail.
490
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:48,560
Oh...
491
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:52,520
You're talking about
a blue badge, aren't you?
492
00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,640
Sweet freedom of the city.
493
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:56,800
CHUCKLES
No.
494
00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,240
I'm not getting you a bloody
disabled parking badge.
495
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,640
Yeah, thought not.
Closed shop, ain't it?
496
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:03,560
Damn right.
497
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,000
There's got to be some perks.
498
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,360
I'm glad you admit it.
499
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:07,840
No, no, no, no.
500
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:09,640
Any advantages we have are fair.
501
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:10,760
Yeah, right.
502
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:12,200
I seem to remember
503
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,040
Oscar Pistorius did pretty
well on those springs.
504
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:19,520
I mean, before all the horrible
murder and stuff, obviously.
505
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:22,160
Springs? They weren't springs.
506
00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:23,800
I know a spring when I see it, mate.
507
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,160
Guy bounced his way to victory.
508
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:28,040
Right, well, let's put
your theory to the test.
509
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:29,520
There's a food truck down the road.
510
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:30,840
It does great vegan sausages.
511
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:32,240
I can't go, can I? My back.
512
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:34,440
No, I'm talking about
levelling the playing field,
513
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:36,600
aren't I? A fair race.
514
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,600
How?
515
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,000
Got a spare, haven't I?
516
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:42,960
HELENA LAUGHS
517
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,520
Ah. Bring it.
518
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,000
Oh, I'll bring it.
519
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:02,200
Come on, able-bodied athlete,
you're getting thrashed!
520
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:03,600
PANTS
521
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:11,720
I'm in hell! Oh, what?
522
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,200
I don't get it!
523
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:16,280
Something wrong with your arms?
524
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:18,360
Too many burgers,
that's your problem.
525
00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:22,440
Oh, you poor thing!
Does he need my help?
526
00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:23,720
Oh... Oh...
527
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:25,440
Would you?
528
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:27,080
Oh, thanks.
529
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:30,160
This is so lovely of you.
530
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,720
He's been really struggling
at the minute.
531
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,440
So what do you think?
532
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:46,000
I think I want to go and
find Gareth and have a steak.
533
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,280
It's nice! It's just like meat.
534
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,200
This is as like meat
as I'm like...
535
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:51,640
GOOSE HONKS
..a goose.
536
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,240
You'll be helping
the environment by
537
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:54,440
stopping cows from farting.
538
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,880
You think this isn't
going to make me fart?
539
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,160
Give me half an hour,
I'll be going off like a tug boat.
540
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,080
I'm eating it, aren't I?
I'm eating it.
541
00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:05,720
Bollocks! What?
542
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:06,880
Oh, it's him.
543
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:08,160
Who?
544
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,360
Gareth!
545
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:18,160
Oh, God,
546
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:19,960
you still love him, don't you?
547
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:23,480
SNIFFS
548
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,480
He's amazing.
549
00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:31,720
Oh.
550
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:34,160
All right. I'll do it.
551
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:35,600
Do what?
552
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:37,680
I'll go vegan one day a week.
553
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:39,560
I can stomach this
shit one day a week.
554
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:40,920
How's that going to help?
555
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:42,560
Use your brains.
556
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,760
If I'm not eating
meat one day a week,
557
00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:48,360
it means that Gareth can go
on his meat orgies, can't he?
558
00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:51,400
Cos there'll be one person
not eating meat, all the time.
559
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:52,640
Right?
560
00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:55,200
No, you...
You wouldn't stick to that.
561
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:58,160
You think I wouldn't eat
a soya sausage for love?
562
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:01,960
I'll eat a soya sausage for love.
563
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,280
Go on, go after him!
564
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:07,120
You'll catch him easy,
he's only got legs.
565
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:19,600
PHONE VIBRATES
566
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:24,240
Hello, boss.
567
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:25,720
Yeah.
568
00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:26,840
He's there? All right.
569
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:28,320
No, I'm just down the road.
570
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:30,000
Yeah, yeah, I'll get it done.
571
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:31,040
All right.
572
00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:36,320
GROANS
573
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:46,120
All right? Yeah.
574
00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:47,320
What are they, mate?
575
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:49,280
They pork, yeah? Yeah.
576
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:50,680
Go on, sort me out.
577
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:54,440
Liar!
578
00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:58,640
Sumo Santa!
579
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:00,200
I can walk!
580
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:01,240
Oh!
581
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:11,080
FARTS
582
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:12,360
GOOSE HONKS
583
00:27:12,410 --> 00:27:16,960
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