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ENGINE STARTS
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GEAR GRINDS
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HE SIGHS
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DOORBELL RINGS
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No, thank you.
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DOORBELL RINGS
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All right?
8
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My nerves are frayed.
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00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,280
Are you Mr Redford?
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I'm deaf, I'm mute, my synapses
are firing out of control,
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I can't think
a single clear thought.
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I'm trying so hard to concentrate,
but every five minutes,
13
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someone crashes into my space.
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If I don't accomplish
something today,
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I shall not be responsible
for my actions.
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Are you Mr Redford?
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Mr Redford does not exist
without his work.
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Why can't anyone understand that?
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There, a signed first edition.
20
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You have what you came for.
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Now, I beg you, leave me alone.
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I beg you!
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DOORBELL RINGS
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There's a spelling mistake on this.
25
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What? Impossible! You lie.
26
00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:42,280
Yeah. I just wanted you
to keep the door open.
27
00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,760
You are a... Na-na-na!
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Has someone died here? Yes.
29
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Then you're going to want
to invite me in.
30
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:49,760
Ah, so you're the cleaner.
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No. I am the crime scene cleaner.
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Big difference. Huge.
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00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:56,480
My work starts where
others pass in horror.
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A tired cliche, that I'm sure
you've used a thousand times.
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I hate your beard.
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00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:04,720
What? Yeah, that's not
a tired cliche, is it?
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00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:06,440
Now, would you like
to invite me in?
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Now is not a good time.
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HE SIGHS
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Right.
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OK, well, you'll have to sign this
to say you don't need my services.
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00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:18,120
And if you've got blood and
human remains in there,
43
00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:19,880
you might want to
clean them up quickly,
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00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:22,680
or you're going to have some
unwanted housemates. Bye.
45
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Wait! what unwanted housemates?
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Bacteria.
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Oh, bacteria.
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The rats. Rats? Yes, rats!
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A real vermin house party. Enjoy.
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All right, y-you may come in.
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No. No, you're all right.
You've signed this now.
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I...think I'll go and
have a lovely beer.
53
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:44,520
Please! I-I don't want
a vermin house party.
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I have a deadline.
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Oh, dear.
56
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£20. I'll give you £20 for beer.
57
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I don't even like beer.
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I do like beer. Go on.
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Come on, then.
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I shall be working in here.
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00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:15,520
Please do not enter at
any point, for any reason.
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00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,680
There. As you can see,
the blood is extensive.
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I've covered it with brown paper
because it's a little visceral.
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It's a little...?
It is triggering.
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00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,320
Everyone's getting triggered
these days, aren't they?
66
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,200
Lot of triggering going on.
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No?
68
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,600
Not a lot of him left. Her.
69
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,800
Oh. What, er...?
70
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:37,600
Some kind of explosion,
sending shrapnel everywhere.
71
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,760
That wood-burner is connected
to the heating system.
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00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:44,160
They think a malfunction
caused a gas backdraught,
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00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:47,040
simultaneously slicing and
incinerating the victim.
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Essentially, she burnt to death
because she was too old to escape.
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HE EXHALES
Horrific.
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00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:53,760
Can't even imagine.
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00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,840
You're a cleaner,
you're not paid to imagine.
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00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:57,400
Hey, we can imagine!
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00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:58,640
Go on, then.
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00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,360
A moon.
81
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,000
OK, well,
now the heating isn't working,
82
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,600
and I'm writing a novel set
during a Provencal summer.
83
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:12,360
I'm freezing. I'm in hell.
84
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,400
Right. Were you here
when it happened?
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00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,440
Thankfully no,
I was at a reading.
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00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:19,800
The idea that my friend's
shit poetry saved my life...
87
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:22,560
HE LAUGHS MIRTHLESSLY
Well, the irony is not lost.
88
00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:26,000
And now, if you'll excuse me,
I must return to Provence.
89
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,760
I've got a question.
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Yes?
91
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,040
Who was it? Who was what?
92
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:32,360
Who was that?
93
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:33,960
Oh. My grandmother.
94
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,520
Oh!
95
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,560
OK, well, I'll...
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00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:39,120
Good.
97
00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:40,360
And, you know...
98
00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:44,200
I'm sorry. What for?
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For your loss.
100
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:49,960
Why are you sorry?
Did you kill her?
101
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:52,000
I was just being polite, mate.
102
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,920
It's another worn-out cliche.
103
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You're not sorry.
You didn't know my grandmother.
104
00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:58,200
Why would you be sorry
that she's dead?
105
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:01,120
It's a bastardisation
of the language.
106
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:04,080
You're right.
I couldn't care less she's dead.
107
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:06,040
There! Now, doesn't
that feel fresher?
108
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,680
The clean air of honesty!
109
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:09,240
I'm glad she's dead!
110
00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:11,320
Why would you be glad?
I got carried away, it's...
111
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:12,720
You are indifferent.
112
00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:14,360
You didn't know my grandmother.
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00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:17,120
You are indifferent to
her life and death.
114
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That is proper.
115
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Sorry.
116
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About saying I'm glad,
not about her death.
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About which you are...?
118
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Indifferent?
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00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,520
Dick. I can hear you.
120
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:40,080
Sorry.
121
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:41,760
But not about your dead nan.
122
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BAG RUSTLES
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PAPER CRINKLES
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I must have quiet.
125
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:35,920
I've got to move the paper.
126
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:38,040
Well, move it silently.
127
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:40,280
It's paper. It scrunches.
128
00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:42,640
It's sort of known
for its scrunchiness.
129
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,480
It's going to take ages
to clear the area like that.
130
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:56,760
I'll scrunch it all at once.
I'll speed scrunch.
131
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,080
I can't work next to scrunching,
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00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:00,920
regardless of the scrunch rate.
133
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,440
Well, I don't like tippy-tappy.
134
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,440
Tippy-tappy doesn't
affect your work!
135
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:06,360
Scrunching affects mine.
136
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,720
The fact that I'm using words
like "tippy-tappy"
137
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,320
and "scrunch rate" proves it.
138
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,840
You've reduced my vocabulary
to yours!
139
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,080
Please, I beg you,
I must have quiet.
140
00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:18,720
Fine.
141
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,760
But I know words you don't know.
142
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,720
I very much doubt it,
with the greatest of respect.
143
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:25,240
Crackletranton. What?
144
00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:27,000
Yeah, you don't know
that word, do you?
145
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,400
You've clearly made it up.
146
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:31,200
Perhaps I did make it up -
but you didn't know it, did you?
147
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,240
PHONE VIBRATES
148
00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:39,400
Yeah, yeah, I'm here.
149
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,400
What's it like?
It's a crackletranton.
150
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:46,200
OK, you want to dance?
Let's dance!
151
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,360
My synapses are on fire.
152
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:50,600
I am on the verge of writer's block.
153
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:53,560
I don't suppose there's an
equivalent in the world of cleaning,
154
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:57,280
so let me try and put it to you
in such a way as you understand.
155
00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:59,480
If I don't finish
this chapter today,
156
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,040
I will kill myself.
157
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:02,800
Does that make you understand?
158
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:05,240
I will snuff out my life force,
159
00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:06,520
then you'll have a death
160
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,200
that you can legitimately
tell people you're sorry about,
161
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,000
because you caused it!
162
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:13,600
All you have to do is clean,
163
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:17,200
and all I ask of you,
within that most basic of tasks,
164
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,320
is that you clean quietly!
165
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:21,200
Do you understand?!
166
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:23,680
Yes.
167
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:24,960
Yes, I fully understand.
168
00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:42,320
This? Aw... I've got cleaner's block.
169
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:43,680
You son of a bitch!
170
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:45,680
Yeah. It's a very serious condition.
171
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,000
I could be here for months,
172
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:49,080
if I don't decide
to use the vacuum cleaner
173
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:50,840
to hoover away my life force.
174
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:53,800
It's money, is it? That's what
talks to you people, isn't it?
175
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,240
Hard cash.
176
00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:57,840
20 not enough to guzzle away?
177
00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,240
£50...if I don't hear a peep.
178
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,560
150, and I'll be like
a mouse that hovers.
179
00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:04,880
Yeah, a hover mouse.
180
00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:07,200
You can't use that,
I'm writing a children's book.
181
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,600
£100, cash.
182
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:14,960
The only noise you will hear
from now on is the tippy-tappy
183
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,760
of your porky little fingers.
184
00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:26,160
MUSIC: Le Responsable
by Jacques Dutronc
185
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,640
MUFFLED SCRAPING
186
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,560
SCRATCHING
187
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,680
HE SIGHS
188
00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:53,520
Oh, f...!
189
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,400
HE EXHALES
190
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:08,880
MEOWING
Oh, hello, little fella.
191
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,160
You look lost.
192
00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:13,640
CAT YOWLS
193
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,640
MUFFLED YELLING
194
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:16,680
Ruff!
195
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,280
Argh!
196
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,320
I've been trying, mate!
197
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:32,720
You're bleeding.
198
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:34,880
Yes, it's a shaving cut.
199
00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:36,360
You shave your forehead?
200
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:39,880
Yes, I'm sorry,
I've got a hairy forehead.
201
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:41,800
I'm sorry about my frostiness.
202
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,360
It's not you.
203
00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:45,280
I'm burned out, on empty.
204
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,240
I've been trying to describe
someone climbing some stairs
205
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:49,680
for nearly four days.
206
00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:51,480
Four days? How big's the house?
207
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:54,640
No, I've spent four days
trying to find the right word.
208
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:56,440
"Floating" is too ethereal,
209
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,120
"hurrying" is too urgent.
210
00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:00,640
"He mastered the stairs"
is too masculine,
211
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,360
"trudging" too subservient.
212
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:05,600
"His feet swallowed the stairs"
is sexualised.
213
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,400
I liked "he staired up"
for a while,
214
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,120
then I realised
it's a nonsensical pun.
215
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:15,200
The other characters are waiting
for him at the top of the stairs,
216
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,120
but I can't continue the story
until I have the right word.
217
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:21,200
It's a wolf in my mind,
do you understand?
218
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,000
A wolf that consumes my mind.
219
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:27,640
Stumble?
220
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:43,920
Graham Greene!
221
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:47,120
Stumble, yeah?
222
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:49,480
Ah, another part
of the jigsaw of madness.
223
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:50,640
HE CHUCKLES
224
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:53,280
I should get you
a beer to celebrate.
225
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:55,520
No, no, I can't drink
during the week.
226
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,080
I've got a condition.
227
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,800
It means once I start, I can't stop.
228
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,040
Medical condition?
229
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:01,960
Yeah, it's called, er...
230
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,440
..being an absolute legend.
231
00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:07,680
Oh.
232
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:10,680
So, you are a crime scene cleaner?
233
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:13,560
I am. And what does that involve?
234
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:16,240
It's mainly delivering
patio furniture.
235
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:17,720
A joke.
236
00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,320
Yeah. Very good. Enjoyable.
237
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:24,320
And what is this
little cleaning agent?
238
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:27,800
It's sodium hydroxide.
It's for dissolving flesh.
239
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,320
Eh!
240
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,400
Two jokes, two sentences.
241
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:35,960
Maybe I should become a writer.
242
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,480
Don't. It's mental torture.
243
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:39,760
Can I tell you something?
244
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:44,960
I actually won a little
writing award at school once.
245
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:46,320
Go on.
246
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:49,240
We had to come up with an
advertising slogan for a product,
247
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,040
and I got given cigarettes.
248
00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:54,160
Shows you how long ago
it was, and...
249
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:57,280
Oh...it doesn't matter.
250
00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:58,560
It was stupid.
251
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,440
Please, I'm interested.
252
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:01,800
It was just...
253
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,240
"Fancy a fag?
254
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:07,640
"Have a drag."
255
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:11,960
Just simple.
256
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:22,960
You can use it, if you want.
257
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,800
No, I won't be using it.
258
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,440
No? I was thinking
he could use it when he gets
259
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,080
to the top of the stairs.
260
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:32,160
Everyone could say, "Oh, you
look stressed. Fancy a fag?"
261
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:34,640
"I'll have a drag."
262
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,760
It's shit.
263
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,600
It's the mindless utterance
of a cleaner-to-be.
264
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,440
I'm a crime scene cleaner.
265
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,240
Yes, yes.
"Pass in horror," etc, etc.
266
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:45,360
HE SIGHS
267
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:49,560
Look, can I ask you something?
A serious question.
268
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,400
Quickly, please.
269
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,400
Why aren't you upset
about your gran?
270
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,160
What makes you think I'm not upset?
271
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:58,400
Well, normally,
people are affected by a loss.
272
00:14:58,400 --> 00:14:59,960
They show it in some way.
273
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,440
What about your nan?
274
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:04,320
She was an extraordinary woman,
and her loss, a fire in my soul.
275
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,600
Tell your face.
Tell my face what?
276
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,080
Normally, people...cry?
277
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,480
I can't afford to cry.
278
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:15,000
Look, I could break down now,
in front of you, rivers of tears,
279
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,360
and fall into your arms -
and then, what?
280
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:19,840
Well, then you'd feel better.
I'm a great cuddle.
281
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,280
Look, I've got lovely,
big mum tits. Come on.
282
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,240
Oh, God! Come on.
283
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:28,040
But then, all the emotion
would be used up, wasted.
284
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,600
My grandmother would be buried,
285
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,440
and I'd sit down to try
and describe the pain,
286
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:34,320
and there'd be nothing left.
287
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:38,800
You can't use everything that you
go through in life for a book!
288
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,520
Sometimes,
you've just got to...be.
289
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:43,640
I think my grandmother
deserves more than
290
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:45,680
a spontaneous howl of anguish.
291
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:48,520
She deserves a novella, at least.
292
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:50,600
So, I shall push it down.
293
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,400
I either cry, or I write.
294
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:55,000
Hm.
295
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,280
Well, doesn't sound
very healthy to me.
296
00:15:57,280 --> 00:16:02,240
It isn't, but I've been published
in 28 countries, whereas you,
297
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:04,800
when you "fancy a fag, have a drag".
298
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,720
Well, if I have to push everything
down to become a writer,
299
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:09,360
I'll stick to cleaning up blood.
300
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:12,520
One must be consumed
by what one does.
301
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:16,000
Dylan Thomas makes an interesting
point about it, actually.
302
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,480
Oh, right, well, there's no
need to find it. I believe you.
303
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,400
No, it's an interesting
passage. I'll...
304
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:21,920
Yeah, I don't want to see it.
305
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,640
It's relevant to our discussion.
But I'm not interested.
306
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,120
Leave it!
307
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:30,120
I hate this book. I despise it.
308
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:31,240
Have you read it?
309
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,120
Yes, of course I've read it.
310
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:35,080
He's the worst writer
to come out of...
311
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:39,800
Wales? Yes, Wales!
312
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,280
"Oh, I've got a doll
with a big, tall hat
313
00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:44,040
"and a house full of spoons."
314
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:45,840
Wales! Get over yourselves!
315
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:48,520
He's one of the 20th century's
greatest writers.
316
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:50,120
I hate his writing.
317
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:52,480
His writing makes my balls
go up inside myself.
318
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,680
You don't like his style?
319
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,480
What don't you like about it?
320
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,920
Well, it's so...
321
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,120
...pecky, isn't it?
322
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:06,160
Pecky? Yes, pecky. Isn't it?
323
00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:09,840
"Oh, I'm Dylan Thomas. Oh, look
at my words. Peck, peck, peck."
324
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,920
So, pecky in terms of the sharp...
325
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:15,320
Sharp... ..disjointed nature of
the prose. ..nature of the prose.
326
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:19,000
So, you feel that by jumping
from image to juxtaposed image,
327
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,880
we never really emotionally engage.
328
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:24,000
Exactly. The guy's a prick. Oh.
329
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:28,720
Aah!
330
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:30,720
You holding your emotions in again?
331
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:35,160
The pain I just felt will
flow across the next page.
332
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,480
Well, as long as
it doesn't peck across it, eh?
333
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:40,080
No, not like that prick
Dylan Thomas.
334
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:43,680
We make a pretty good team,
eh, you and me?
335
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:44,960
Meh.
336
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,480
DOORBELL RINGS
337
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:52,000
MEOWING
338
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,200
KISSES HIS LIPS
339
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,240
Pip-yup!
340
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:00,880
Terence Redford? Yes.
341
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,240
We come with news. I'm very busy.
342
00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:06,640
We know you must be consumed
with your next masterpiece,
343
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:09,320
but we bring news
of an important award.
344
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,200
An award? For one of my...?
345
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,640
Slow The Seconds To Midnight
has been nominated
346
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,400
in the Best Novel category.
347
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,400
My sources have led me
to believe that you are in
348
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,480
a very favourable position.
349
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,040
Goodness!
350
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,520
And what is the award, may I ask?
351
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,600
A very important one. Which one?
352
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,800
I am not at liberty to say.
353
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,400
I see.
354
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:33,720
Would you wait there?
355
00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:41,080
WHISPERS: Come here,
you manky little stray.
356
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,400
Oi!
357
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:46,480
CAT MEOWS
358
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:47,560
No!
359
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:50,160
MUFFLED WINCING AND YOWLING
360
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:53,680
Dickhead!
361
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,040
Ah!
362
00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:00,480
Oh! Is that a first edition?
363
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,920
It is indeed.
364
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,280
Would it be impertinent
to ask for a signature?
365
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:06,560
Not at all.
366
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:11,920
HE SIGHS
367
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,280
Ooh! Are you entertaining?
368
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,760
Yes, yes. And what are
your names, please?
369
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,440
I am Mrs Gathernoid,
and this is Miss Chant.
370
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:23,920
Barbara Chant!
371
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:30,640
"To the small woman
and the big woman.
372
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:33,200
"Your lies are a disease
that will eat you."
373
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:35,400
You are not from
an award committee,
374
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:36,960
you are desperate groupies,
375
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,920
and if you waste another second
of my time, I will destroy you!
376
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,200
Now, get back on the train to...
377
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,760
Gloucester. Of course, Gloucester!
378
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:49,640
A rock which, when lifted,
is teeming with roaches.
379
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:00,320
That was your fault.
380
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:09,520
How dare they!
381
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,040
How dare they use my
longing for recognition
382
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:13,720
to their own foul ends!
383
00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:15,560
They know I crave the Booker,
384
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:18,080
they know the Sunday Times
are blind to me.
385
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:19,760
Every week, they come,
386
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,520
the zombie army
of lonely housewives.
387
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:25,360
Well, damn you, wretched sows.
388
00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:28,800
You've just made the female
protagonist get lost at sea,
389
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,680
never to return.
390
00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:32,360
Hairy nose, as well?
391
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,720
Well, you didn't push
your feelings down very well
392
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:14,960
with them, did you?
393
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:18,240
Because they took advantage
of a writer's greatest fear.
394
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:19,920
It's about leaving a mark,
395
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:22,240
leaving evidence that you existed.
396
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:23,880
Well, the books do that, don't they?
397
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:27,240
An award will bring
more people to my books.
398
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,360
I'll cast a longer shadow.
399
00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:31,040
Don't you understand?
400
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:33,280
No, not really.
401
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,400
Mind you, I suppose
if I do my job properly,
402
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:37,680
then I don't leave a trace
behind me.
403
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:39,320
It's like I never existed.
404
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:40,760
And that doesn't bother you?
405
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:43,600
No. What do I care what people
think when I'm gone?
406
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:44,960
I'll be dead.
407
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,880
But you could live on
in people's minds.
408
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,600
Well, that's like someone
buying a pint for me
409
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,320
just before I have a heart attack.
410
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,400
I don't get to enjoy the pint.
411
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:55,720
And if there is a Heaven,
412
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,040
I'll be looking down,
watching someone drink my pint,
413
00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:00,080
and I won't like that,
I'll be jealous,
414
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:01,840
because I love a pint.
415
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:04,920
If you had one hour left to live,
what would you do?
416
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,920
Look, we do this stuff down
at the pub all the time,
417
00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:10,120
and I'm not particularly
proud of my answer,
418
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,560
but I tell the truth -
419
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,240
I would enjoy going round
the ladies' changing room,
420
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:17,360
and I would enjoy watching them
try their bras on.
421
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:19,680
What?
422
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:22,040
No, that's not "hour to live",
423
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,400
that's "invisible for the day",
isn't it?
424
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,560
No, come on,
you've got one hour left.
425
00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:29,280
HE SIGHS
I don't know.
426
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:32,960
I suppose I'd write to my ex.
427
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,440
What does it matter
what your ex thinks?
428
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:36,880
You'll be dead.
429
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:39,000
Not while I'm writing
that letter, I won't be,
430
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,720
and there's a few things
I'll enjoy getting off my chest.
431
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:44,840
"Oh, didn't like the way
I used to load the dishwasher?
432
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,360
"Well, your sister's racist."
433
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:48,680
Jesus!
434
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:13,320
HE TYPES
435
00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:29,120
You writing about me?
436
00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:30,480
What do you care?
437
00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:32,440
Well, I don't know
what you're saying!
438
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,440
You're happy to disappear
once you've died,
439
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:35,680
so don't worry about it.
440
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:40,720
"I observed the gargantuan
pot-bellied man
441
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,200
"going about his business."
442
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:44,280
HE GASPS
443
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:45,520
And that's me, is it?
444
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:49,680
Well... Well, it's not going to be
a best-seller, is it, mate?
445
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:52,480
The most mundane of activities
can be made interesting
446
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:54,120
in the right context.
447
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:56,040
Mundane? Yes.
448
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,520
Tedious, inconsequential, dull.
449
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:00,920
Let me tell you
some interesting stories.
450
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:03,280
No, you just carry on.
Act like I'm not here.
451
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,200
I will capture the truth.
452
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:06,480
HE TYPES
453
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:08,360
How many books did you
sell last time?
454
00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:09,840
Just shy of 100,000.
455
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,200
I'll get some interesting things.
456
00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:21,280
There's some good stuff here,
straight away.
457
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:24,440
Straight away. Ooh...
Now, this is daptrozone.
458
00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:27,480
That's for separating
blood and plasma.
459
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,880
You could...
460
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:33,200
And this, the bad bin.
461
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:35,000
It's for severed body parts.
462
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,480
Come on, mate, it's a finger bin!
463
00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:38,920
Not my genre.
464
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:40,440
I've got good stories.
465
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,560
Last year, I got called out to
a job, I had to take away a man -
466
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:45,680
a chimp had had his legs away.
467
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:48,120
I thought you weren't bothered
about being remembered.
468
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,960
Well, I'm not, but I'm not having
those arseholes down the pub
469
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:54,240
read a book with a boring
character and know it's me.
470
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:55,480
What's that?
471
00:24:57,560 --> 00:24:59,160
That's my lunch.
472
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,000
May I? Yeah.
473
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,720
What is it?
474
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:12,240
It's a sausage sarnie.
475
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:14,200
Well, half of one.
476
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:18,920
And then, this?
477
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,240
Brown sauce.
478
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:26,080
No salad?
479
00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:27,960
Who puts salad on a
sausage sandwich?
480
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,080
What, you're writing
about my sandwich?
481
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:34,360
Mm-hm.
482
00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:36,760
So, I've spent all day
listening to your madness,
483
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:38,480
and cleaning up your grandmother,
484
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:40,600
and you're writing about
my sandwich?
485
00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:42,160
It's the perfect metaphor.
486
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:44,880
It is both dead and alive
simultaneously.
487
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:47,160
But have you put
it's Wicky's sandwich?
488
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:49,920
No, it is a sausage sandwich
lost in time.
489
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:51,360
It's MY sandwich!
490
00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:53,480
You don't care if
anyone remembers you.
491
00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:55,040
You don't seek meaning.
492
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:56,960
It is the universe's sandwich.
493
00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:58,360
Oh, yeah?
494
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:03,680
It's my sandwich.
495
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:05,120
Please!
496
00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:07,240
MUFFLED RETORT
497
00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:13,800
TYPING
498
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:22,920
The fog will have gone in about
two hours, and so will I.
499
00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:24,400
Well, thank you.
500
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:26,760
You're not welcome.
501
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:30,240
I don't want you to accuse me
of using cliches, do I?
502
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:34,320
Well, goodbye.
503
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:36,360
My publisher awaits. Terence?
504
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,720
I haven't read anything
by Dylan Thomas.
505
00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:43,040
I wouldn't bother.
506
00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:44,440
He's very pecky.
507
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:48,640
I know you must think me strange,
508
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,200
but I want you to know,
509
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,200
one cannot always
control one's grief.
510
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,320
Recently, I cried for a week.
511
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:56,840
Why?
512
00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:59,280
It sounds silly, but...
513
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:00,800
..my cat ran away.
514
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:07,320
I grieve for my cat,
but for my grandmother...
515
00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:08,840
You'll find a way.
516
00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:25,760
"My grandmother was
517
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:29,000
"the most beautiful woman
in the world.
518
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:31,680
"She stood in the small,
wood-panelled kitchen
519
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:35,560
"of her farmhouse, cooking
sausages for my sandwich.
520
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:41,320
"'What is a sausage, Gran?'
I asked.
521
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:44,760
"She smiled and ruffled my hair.
522
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:48,640
"'Just eat, my love. Just eat.'"
523
00:27:48,690 --> 00:27:53,240
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