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1
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,520
You should prepare yourself.
2
00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:19,840
Where is it?
3
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,880
I told him what to expect...
4
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:23,560
Just show me.
5
00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:58,440
Bloody hell, Ruth!
6
00:00:58,440 --> 00:00:59,800
This is going to take ages!
7
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:01,400
I told your boss it was a bad one.
8
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:03,040
It's 3.00! I'm supposed to be...
9
00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:05,360
Curry night. I told them,
"He won't like this.
10
00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:07,320
"It's curry night
at the White Horse."
11
00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:08,360
It's on everything!
12
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:11,440
Look, it's on curtains,
bloody clock!
13
00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:13,520
Who puts a white rug
in a kitchen?
14
00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:15,880
Did Siegfried move here
after Roy died?
15
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,960
Jesus! What happened?
A woman killed her husband.
16
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:21,600
What with, a combine harvester?
17
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,360
Stabbed him 38 times. Why?
18
00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:25,840
To piss me off?
19
00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:27,400
You only need five stabs.
20
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,000
Anything else is showboating.
21
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,080
Oh, you'll be all right,
you've got ages!
22
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:32,560
I'm a cleaner.
23
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:34,560
I'm not Jesus.
24
00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:37,960
The naans come out at 7.00,
and they go stale very quickly.
25
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,040
I need to be sat down
by 6.30 at the latest.
26
00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:41,680
Well, there you go, three hours.
27
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:42,840
And I'm up there later.
28
00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:45,040
I'll get Mervin
to keep you a jalfrezi.
29
00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,680
Do you think this is
a three-hour job?
30
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:48,720
I've not looked yet,
31
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:51,040
but I'd be willing to bet
there's blood on the ceiling.
32
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,240
Yep! Hello! Oh, and also...
33
00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:54,840
..the models need doing.
34
00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:58,520
They were his pride and joy,
apparently. Why? He's dead!
35
00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:00,880
Who's going to care?
His wife who murdered him?
36
00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:02,600
Or am I being thorough for a ghost?
37
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:06,480
You're just grumpy cos you're on
a promise from the tattooed milf.
38
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:07,800
No, I'm not.
39
00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:10,640
She'll be waiting for you,
no matter how late you get there.
40
00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:13,520
I'm not seeing her any more.
Aw. Why not?
41
00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:15,720
I think it was cos I realised
that everybody calls her
42
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,800
"the tattooed milf" -
even her own mother.
43
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:19,800
She doesn't even have
that many tattoos.
44
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:22,760
You haven't seen her back, mate.
It's all anchors and sea monsters.
45
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,920
It's like shagging
a treasure map. Ohh, God!
46
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:27,560
She's even got it on the pot plants!
47
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:29,680
Oh, well, good luck, Mr Mop.
48
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,680
See you later...hopefully.
49
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,640
All right.
50
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:36,280
Right, Wicky.
51
00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:37,640
Think curry.
52
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:39,800
Just think delicious curry.
53
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,840
MUSIC: The Only One I Know
by The Charlatans
54
00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:50,720
♪ The only one I know
55
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:54,560
♪ Has come to take me away
56
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:59,080
♪ The only one I know
57
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:03,200
♪ Is mine when she stitches me
58
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:12,200
♪ The only one I see
59
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:16,120
♪ Has found an aching in me
60
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:20,440
♪ The only one I see
61
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:24,360
♪ Has turned her tongue into me
62
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,760
♪ Everyone...
63
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,680
BOTTLE SQUEAKS,
MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES
64
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:34,920
DOOR CLOSES
65
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:36,360
Hello? Mr Policeman?
66
00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:37,880
It's the friendly neighbour!
67
00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:44,760
Hello. Argh!
68
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:46,680
SHE SCREAMS
69
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:48,480
THEY SCREAM
Hey!
70
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:50,720
How are you feeling?
71
00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:51,880
SHE SIGHS
72
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:55,040
Yeah, I'm a little shaken,
but I'll live.
73
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,320
Honestly, you're just like my boy,
74
00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,080
running around, causing chaos.
SHE LAUGHS
75
00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:01,200
To be honest with you,
76
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,440
I was pretty pleased
that I kicked that high.
77
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:05,960
Ah! You boys and your karate!
78
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,760
Ah...
79
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:10,320
Well, I'd better get on.
80
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:19,760
Yes, dear.
I'm just waiting for my letter.
81
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:22,240
Your...?
82
00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:24,040
Well, as I say to my boy,
83
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,200
what's an apology without a letter?
84
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,920
It's like a burp in the wind, huh?
SHE LAUGHS
85
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:31,040
You want me to write you
an apology letter?
86
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:34,000
The pie didn't kick itself out
of my hands now, did it, dear?
87
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:36,880
Why not?
88
00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:40,240
Well, it came as no surprise to me
that Mrs Bellingham did this.
89
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,680
Never trust a woman
who doesn't bake.
90
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:45,440
I used to bring a pie
round every Tuesday
91
00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:46,880
for poor Mr Bellingham.
92
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:48,480
And now, look.
93
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,760
Not all women bake, though,
do they?
94
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:52,640
All women of my generation do.
95
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,240
It was drummed into us -
96
00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:57,400
and if she's not baking,
what is she doing?
97
00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,040
I guess she's into other things.
98
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,000
Exactly what Myra Hindley said.
99
00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:06,840
So...you must be a policeman.
100
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,160
How exciting.
101
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:09,680
No, I'm here to clean up, so...
102
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,560
You're a cleaner?
What did I tell you?
103
00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:13,400
The world is upside down!
104
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,800
Crime scene cleaner.
105
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:16,760
It needs a woman's touch.
106
00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:19,720
Now, get me a mop, and I'll do it.
107
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,840
Name a stain! Pardon?
108
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:24,240
Name a stain
that's impossible to get out.
109
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:25,640
Beetroot on linen.
110
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:26,880
Pectinase. What?
111
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:30,640
It's an enzyme which breaks down
pectin, a polysaccharide
112
00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:32,440
found in plant cell walls.
113
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,240
Used in conjunction
with hydrogen peroxide
114
00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:36,840
and a microfibre brush,
115
00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:39,640
I can get beetroot out of anything.
116
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:40,920
And you know why?
117
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:44,760
Because I am a qualified
crime scene cleaner.
118
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:48,200
I can get dried blood out
of a white woollen carpet.
119
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:51,040
I can remove skull fragments
from velvet. Ew!
120
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,640
So...think on!
121
00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:58,960
DOOR CLOSES
122
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,640
Yeah. Firm, but fair.
123
00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:05,200
HE SIGHS
124
00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:09,920
HE SIGHS
125
00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:13,200
Hello.
126
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:14,320
Hey!
127
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,920
Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.
128
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:18,240
I let myself in.
129
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,800
Has everyone got keys
to this bloody house?
130
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:22,000
Oh, gosh. I hope not.
131
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,960
Erm, just me and our neighbour now,
I think. It's all right.
132
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:27,320
At least you weren't
carrying a pie, I suppose.
133
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,240
Oh, no. I don't bake.
134
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:32,920
No. It was a source of some...
irritation for my husband.
135
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,360
Oh.
136
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,080
You're the, erm...?
137
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:37,880
Oh, this is...?
138
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:39,840
I'm the wife, yes.
139
00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:42,040
Oh, I suppose I should
say "widow" now.
140
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:46,040
HE LAUGHS
Yes, I suppose you should!
141
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,000
I was just, erm...
142
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:51,080
I was just going to go
and get some...murder.
143
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,200
Some...? Some murder for the stab.
144
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:54,960
What am I talking about?
145
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,520
I was just going to go and fill
my bucket with blood.
146
00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:59,080
For the murder stab.
147
00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:00,400
Water!
148
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:03,680
Water to clean the stab a man
murder walls of all the blood!
149
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:05,080
Water!
150
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,600
Water for my bucket!
151
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,840
So, I'll go and do that,
152
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:13,880
and then, maybe you and I could have
a nice cup of tea, couldn't we?
153
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:14,920
GUN COCKS
154
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:17,240
I'm afraid I'm going to have
to ask you to stay.
155
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,600
If you don't mind awfully.
156
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,000
I would be delighted.
157
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,120
OK.
158
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:33,880
In the cupboard, please.
159
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:36,080
Oh... In the cupboard.
160
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,680
No, I can't. I'm sorry.
I'm claustrophobic.
161
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:40,920
And I can see they've got
wool coats in there,
162
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:41,960
and I'm allergic.
163
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,680
It makes my throat go up like
a puffer fish. Seriously.
164
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,280
Cupboard.
165
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:48,000
Look, how long are you going to be?
166
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,560
Just collecting some things,
then I'll be on my way.
167
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:52,000
So, like, ten minutes?
168
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,480
Or are you going to lock me in,
169
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:55,360
and then wait for me
to be discovered?
170
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:57,720
Sorry, have you got somewhere
you've got to be?
171
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,000
Well, yeah.
172
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,800
You're being held at gunpoint
by a woman who you know has,
173
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:06,080
within the past 48 hours,
174
00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:08,600
used her husband as a knife block.
175
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:12,200
So, do weigh up your answer
to this really carefully.
176
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,040
What is so...important?
177
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,760
Well, it's nothing.
I was just...
178
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:22,200
I was just going to go
to the White Horse.
179
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,120
A pub? It's curry night.
180
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:26,640
It's curry night? Yeah. It's £5.
181
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,320
And, honestly, considering it's all
cooked by a white guy called Mervin,
182
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:31,360
it is delicious.
183
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:33,680
What, it's worth being shot for?
SHE CHUCKLES
184
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,200
You should come!
185
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:36,840
It's as many naans as you can eat.
186
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,240
That's a mistake by Mervin.
187
00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:40,840
I had nine last week
before the madras came out.
188
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:43,880
OK. So, you're refusing to get in
because of Mervin's naans?
189
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:46,400
Let's get this over with.
Hey, hey, hey, no!
190
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,760
I'll get in. I'll get in.
Lovely. It'll be nice.
191
00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:57,600
SHE EXHALES
192
00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:01,200
MUFFLED: You couldn't ring ahead,
then, could you?
193
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,080
And ask them if they'll put
some on one side for me?
194
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,280
If you look on Google,
it's the White Horse.
195
00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:07,920
Don't go on the website,
196
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:09,520
because Mervin messed that up.
197
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:11,960
The link just takes you
to an abattoir.
198
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,240
In Poland.
199
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:14,800
I think it's Poland.
200
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,760
Either way, the cows look weird.
201
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:17,800
Hello?!
202
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:18,960
Oh, my God.
203
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,640
How dull must your life be?
204
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,040
Come with me.
205
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:34,720
Sit.
206
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,920
This church has a little surprise.
207
00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,320
Smoke?
208
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:43,600
Yeah.
209
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:56,960
Ah...
210
00:09:58,200 --> 00:09:59,640
SHE EXHALES
211
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,800
First time I've ever
done this in here.
212
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,720
He didn't approve of smoking.
213
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:07,320
No, of course he didn't.
214
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:11,880
That's why I liked hiding them
in his precious little models.
215
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:15,080
That was a minor act of rebellion.
216
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,120
Oh, don't worry.
217
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,080
I'll, erm... I'll open the windows.
218
00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,480
Oh, it's not that.
219
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,960
It's, erm...it's all the...
220
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,840
Hm? Oh, yes.
221
00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:27,360
I do need to change.
222
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:31,280
Don't worry.
I've no intention of hurting you.
223
00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:34,120
Mind you, I had no intention
of hurting my husband.
224
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:36,400
It's funny. I, erm...
225
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:39,040
I really don't remember
what happened.
226
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:42,120
You stabbed him. 38 times.
227
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:43,520
Goodness me!
228
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,400
I was cross, wasn't I? Yes.
229
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,960
Five would've been plenty. Hm.
230
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,160
I mean...do you mind me asking?
231
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,720
Hm?
232
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,840
What did he do wrong?
233
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,520
He made models.
234
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:57,640
No. No, I mean,
why did you kill him?
235
00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:59,880
I know what you meant,
and my answer remains.
236
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:03,760
I don't understand.
237
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:05,720
Have you ever had a paper cut?
238
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:07,480
I don't think I ever have.
239
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:09,880
But do you know what?
There was a kid I went to school
240
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:12,240
with who used to give them
to himself on purpose.
241
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:14,360
A cry for help?
Oh, no. He was just a nutter.
242
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:17,120
Last time I saw him, he was
riding round town on a dog.
243
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,360
A paper cut is, erm...
244
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,120
It's small.
245
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,200
It isn't life-threatening.
246
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,760
But it really hurts.
247
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:27,800
It bleeds for a really long time.
248
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,280
And that's what my marriage
was like.
249
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:34,600
A tiny paper cut...
after tiny paper cut.
250
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:38,760
Until one day...
well, I decided I'd bled enough.
251
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:40,320
It was his turn.
252
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:45,800
I believe the final straw
was the reordering of the fridge.
253
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:50,400
Eh? Yeah. All of the bottles
rearranged in height order.
254
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,760
It sounds silly, doesn't it?
255
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:55,080
But I opened the door
256
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:56,680
and, suddenly, I thought,
257
00:11:56,680 --> 00:12:00,480
"I do not want the juice
at the top and the Yakult
258
00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:02,200
"at the bottom, and..."
259
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:05,840
Well...
260
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,200
I know what you mean.
261
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:10,000
My ex, once, she put all the DVDs
in alphabetical order,
262
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:11,520
and I ran her over with the van.
263
00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:13,480
Did you? No!
264
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:15,360
Because I'm not a psychopath.
265
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,360
I'm not a psychopath.
266
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,560
I'm the treasurer of
the community centre.
267
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:22,320
Oh, right. Well, as long as
the coffee morning receipts
268
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:25,080
are in order, who's going to
begrudge you a little bloodbath?
269
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,400
I see.
270
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:28,440
Upstairs.
271
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:30,520
I'm not going in the cupboard.
Upstairs!
272
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:37,640
Right, get in the bathroom.
273
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,040
Was that always an option?
274
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:42,880
Why did we have to go through
all that cupboard pantomime?
275
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,440
Please, don't be fooled by
my charming demeanour.
276
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,680
I'm on the edge.
I have little time. Get in.
277
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:08,640
HE STRAINS
278
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:09,960
Fucking sausages!
279
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:12,680
Hey!
280
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:14,120
Psst!
281
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:16,000
Hey, kid!
282
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,320
Psst!
283
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:18,920
Mama said I'm not to talk to you.
284
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:20,560
What? Why?
285
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:24,040
Because you go around kicking pies
out of people's hands.
286
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:25,640
Kid, I need your help here!
287
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:33,600
Oh, my God.
288
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:36,680
You got a problem? No, no problem!
289
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:38,960
Listen. Lend me your phone.
290
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,360
I haven't got a phone.
291
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:42,680
I don't want square eyes,
thank you very much.
292
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:45,560
Can you go and ask your mum
if she'll...? Erm...
293
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:48,080
Mum's not going to want to help you,
Mr Pie-Kicker.
294
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,160
That's what I wanted
to talk to her about.
295
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:53,080
Because of my silly behaviour,
I didn't get to taste her pie.
296
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,600
Delicious pies.
Yeah, yeah, delicious pie!
297
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:59,120
So, I was wondering if she'd
give me a second chance...
298
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:00,760
..and bring me another pie?
299
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:03,320
You'd have to write her a sorry
letter. She's had a letter!
300
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,200
Mum! Oh, hey, hey, hey!
301
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:13,400
This is all there is.
302
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,000
This is the best I can do.
303
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:58,360
All done?
304
00:14:58,360 --> 00:14:59,400
Yeah. Nearly.
305
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,280
Erm... I need to use the bathroom.
306
00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:03,200
Oh, yeah. Of course.
307
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:04,480
Where are you going?
308
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:07,560
You said you needed to use...
I do.
309
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:09,360
You're going to have to
stay in here.
310
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:11,160
Of course.
311
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,720
Of course you're going to
make me watch you have a wee.
312
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:15,080
Turn around.
313
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,560
It's not a wee I need,
I'm afraid.
314
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:19,880
What?
315
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:21,600
No, you can't!
316
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,040
Not while I'm in here.
317
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,720
What, are you under the impression
that women don't?
318
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,680
No, I'm perfectly aware
that women do.
319
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:30,200
I just don't want to be in
the room when it...comes out.
320
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:31,240
Well, tough.
321
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,720
I have been dancing to
the tune of man for 35 years.
322
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:36,720
If I need to defecate, you can just
damn well stand there and listen.
323
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,480
Oh, yeah. Good. Good. You carry on.
324
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,560
Cos this is important, isn't it?
325
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:42,880
This is like when you won the vote.
Go on!
326
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,320
Poo your way into history.
327
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:47,960
BREAKS WIND
Oh, for God's sake!
328
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,600
Be quiet! Me be quiet?!
329
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,480
SHE STRAINS
330
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:53,520
SHE BREAKS WIND
331
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,080
HE CHOKES
332
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,640
BOTH SIGH
333
00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:58,680
SHE STRAINS
334
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,880
Have you considered
this might just be gas?
335
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,000
No, I'm constipated.
336
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,720
It's hardly surprising -
I've been eating corned beef
337
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,120
in the woods for two nights.
338
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:07,480
That's what it is!
339
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:10,240
Oh, it's no good.
340
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,360
It's not going to come
while you're in here.
341
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:13,880
Well, let me go outside, then.
342
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:15,760
I won't run away, I promise.
You will.
343
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:18,960
OK, I will run away! But come on!
344
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,840
All right. Stand outside. Go slowly.
345
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,040
But the moment you're outside,
you start talking.
346
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:27,080
If you stop talking for a second,
I'll start shooting. Fine!
347
00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:30,920
Talk!
348
00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:31,960
What about?
349
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,680
I don't know. Anything.
350
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,280
All right.
351
00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:37,320
There'll be three types
of curry tonight.
352
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,000
There'll be a madras,
and a jalfrezi...
353
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,280
No, not about your curry.
I'm bored of your curry.
354
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:43,120
God, your world's so fucking small!
355
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,080
I can't think!
356
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,920
Why not? I don't know.
357
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,400
I suppose it's because
I'm being held at gunpoint
358
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,120
by a murderer who's having a shit!
359
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:54,280
Sing, then. Sing what?
360
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,320
I don't know! It doesn't matter!
361
00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,840
HE MUMBLES NERVOUSLY
362
00:16:58,840 --> 00:16:59,880
♪ Why do...
363
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,720
♪ Why do I do just as you say?
364
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:05,680
♪ Why do I just give you your way?
365
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:06,920
♪ Why do I sigh?
366
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,920
♪ Why must I try to forget?
367
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:13,160
♪ It must have been something
that lovers call fate
368
00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:16,760
♪ That kept me saying
I had to wait...
369
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:19,760
SHE HUMS ALONG
♪ I heard them all
370
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:24,720
♪ Just couldn't fall till we met
371
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:27,600
SHE HUMS ALONG
372
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,720
♪ It had to be you
373
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,720
♪ I wandered around
374
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:38,840
♪ Finally found
375
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:42,520
♪ The somebody who
376
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:45,480
♪ Could make me be true
377
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,520
♪ Could make me be blue
378
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,640
♪ And even be glad
379
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,520
♪ Just to be sad
380
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:57,680
♪ Thinking of you
381
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,960
♪ Some others I've seen
382
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,480
♪ Might never be mean
383
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,080
BOTH: # Might never be cross
384
00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:12,080
♪ Or try to be boss
385
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:15,760
♪ But they wouldn't do
386
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:18,680
♪ For nobody else
387
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,840
♪ Gave me a thrill
388
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:22,680
♪ With all your faults
389
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,960
♪ I love you still
390
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,840
♪ It had to be you
391
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,840
♪ Wonderful you
392
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,920
♪ It had to be you... ♪
393
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:32,840
FIREWORKS EXPLODE
394
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:35,480
THUNDER CRASHES
395
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:36,720
TOILET FLUSHES
396
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:40,640
Success? Yes.
397
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,720
But, erm, I'm afraid you're going
to have to get back in there.
398
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,440
That's fine. It's part of the job.
399
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,960
I'm used to odours. Yeah.
400
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,480
HE PANTS
401
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:54,800
HE SNIFFS
402
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,120
Yeah.
403
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:57,760
I mean, fair play, that's awful.
404
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:05,280
LOUD THUDDING
405
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:07,880
Shh! Be quiet!
406
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:10,040
LOUD BANGING
407
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:13,120
I told you to shut up.
408
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:14,840
GUN COCKS
409
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:16,080
Oh...piss.
410
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,000
I thought it was weird.
411
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:21,160
I thought it was weird that you
stabbed him to death when you had
412
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,880
a perfectly good gun in the house.
413
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:26,160
But this is...
One of his stupid models, yeah.
414
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,560
It's very good. I didn't say
he wasn't good at models.
415
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,240
DOORBELL RINGS
416
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,040
Hello? Hello there?
417
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,360
I got your apology!
418
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:37,200
I have a pie!
419
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,160
I don't understand.
420
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,120
If he was that bad for
all those years... No.
421
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:44,240
..why didn't you just...?
No, I know.
422
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:46,960
I had a chance of pushing him down
a huge flight of stairs
423
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,320
a few years ago,
but chickened out last minute.
424
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:52,840
No! I don't mean
why didn't you kill him sooner.
425
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,280
I mean, why didn't you
just leave him?
426
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:59,160
Hello! I've accepted your apology!
427
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:02,040
Sunk cost fallacy.
428
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:05,280
What? It's a term I learned
at business school
429
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,320
when I had my own ambitions...
430
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:09,520
..and before I gave my life to him.
431
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:10,840
Well, what does it mean?
432
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:12,480
Hello?
433
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,680
What does it matter?
It's over now.
434
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:17,520
Do what you need to do.
435
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:20,920
Anyway...
SHE SCOFFS
436
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,640
..you wouldn't understand.
437
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,560
DOORBELL RINGS
Hello?
438
00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:25,920
HE SIGHS
439
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:36,960
Ahh!
DISH CLATTERS
440
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,000
Try me.
441
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:47,360
Can I show you something?
442
00:20:58,560 --> 00:20:59,760
Where are we going?
443
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,440
Have you ever heard of
the Dolomites? Yes, of course.
444
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:05,080
It's where the castle is
with the man, isn't it?
445
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,200
Yeah. No, 'course you haven't.
446
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,440
It's a mountain range in Italy.
447
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,840
My grandfather,
he was from the region,
448
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:13,240
and when I was a little girl,
449
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:16,200
he used to tell me tales
of their beauty.
450
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:17,920
Crystal-clear lakes.
451
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:21,520
Air so pure, you'd feel drunk
with every inhalation.
452
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,520
Erm, around every corner,
453
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,640
a more godlike vista.
454
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:29,200
Anyway, in the months leading up
to my 50th birthday,
455
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:30,800
I dropped so many hints -
456
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:33,760
my longing to go there,
to breathe in that air.
457
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:35,240
I even took Italian lessons.
458
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,680
And...
459
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,800
Oh, God.
460
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:50,240
HE GASPS
Yeah.
461
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,000
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
462
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:00,040
It took him months.
463
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:01,480
Barely saw him.
464
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,120
He'd creep into bed at night.
465
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:05,200
The stench of glue will
haunt me for life.
466
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:06,800
Well, it's sort of sweet.
467
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,800
He remembered you liked
the Dolomites.
468
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,720
What? Well, it shows
he was listening, doesn't it?
469
00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:13,920
Hey, for my mum's
birthday this year,
470
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,440
my dad bought her a telescope.
471
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:17,000
She's registered blind.
472
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:20,840
A lifetime following him around
473
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,080
from model convention
to miniature railway.
474
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,880
And the one chance
that he has to make up
475
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,440
for 35 years of disappointment
476
00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,800
and take me to the place
of my dreams...
477
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,400
..and he makes me a model of it?!
478
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:38,080
No! This is all about him.
479
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:41,600
And, anyway, I want to live life.
480
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:46,680
I don't want to stare at
a mini polystyrene version of it.
481
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:48,960
You married a nerd!
482
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:50,960
Why did you stay with a nerd?
483
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,280
Sunk cost fallacy, I told you.
484
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:56,120
If you invest a lifetime
into something,
485
00:22:56,120 --> 00:23:00,040
pulling out means
that lifetime meant nothing.
486
00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:02,480
Fine. Why did you have to stab him?
487
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,320
Because I loved him.
488
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:05,800
OK.
489
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:08,440
OK, you're an absolute nut job.
490
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:09,880
Maybe.
491
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:12,280
Well, you're not going
to get away with it.
492
00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:14,360
There'll be pictures
of you everywhere.
493
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:16,680
Oh, I've no intention of
getting away with it.
494
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:20,520
Tea?
495
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:26,440
Oh...
496
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:27,800
Ah!
497
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:31,360
I think you should turn yourself in.
498
00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:32,760
Oh, I agree. You do?
499
00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:34,400
Oh, yes. Bourbon?
500
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:37,960
Yeah.
501
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:40,920
I mean, I could put a pretty
strong argument together
502
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,640
for why I cracked,
503
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:45,600
but, no, that's not my intention.
504
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:48,560
I committed an awful crime...
505
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:50,960
..and I must pay the price.
506
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,560
Fine. So what's with
all the packing, then?
507
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:57,680
Are they having pool parties
in prison now? Well...
508
00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:00,800
..since he died, I feel amazing.
509
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:02,840
I see beauty everywhere.
510
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:04,640
I feel reborn.
511
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:06,960
So, no, I must go to prison,
512
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,240
I know I must, but before that...
513
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,360
Well, I had wanted to go there.
514
00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:14,040
To go where?
515
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:15,320
Dolomites!
516
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:19,440
I wanted to breathe in that air
517
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:21,040
and swim in those waters,
518
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:25,280
and feel for once, just once,
I wanted to feel alive.
519
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:29,600
In the moment -
no past, no future, just alive.
520
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:33,680
Just two weeks of pure freedom.
521
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:37,160
Cold gelato. Dry white wine.
522
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:41,600
Eating lemons directly off the tree.
523
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:43,760
Oh...yes.
524
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:45,360
That does sound good.
525
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,480
Apart from the bit about
eating lemons.
526
00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:51,360
Come with me. What?!
527
00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:53,040
Come with me. Oh, you're...
528
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:54,560
Crazy. Yeah. I know.
529
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,440
Why would you want me
to come with you?
530
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:58,880
Oh, don't flatter yourself.
You're not my type.
531
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:00,840
Your life is going nowhere.
532
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:03,200
You're a single 50-year-old man,
no children,
533
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,320
with a job you tolerate, at best.
534
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:07,200
I'm very good at my job!
535
00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:10,320
I'm actually seeing
a tattooed milf, so...
536
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:11,720
Oh...
537
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:13,080
Oh, God.
538
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:17,080
Tell me one thing you've got
to look forward to. Just one.
539
00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:19,280
Me and the lads are going
to see Slack Sabbath.
540
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:22,400
Black Sabbath?
No, they're like them, but...
541
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:25,040
..they're fat.
542
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:26,680
Live.
543
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,640
Live for once.
544
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,040
All right.
545
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:33,400
I will. Sod it.
546
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:35,480
Really? Yeah. Why not?
547
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:37,000
The tattooed milf'll keep.
548
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:38,880
Oh, my God!
549
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:42,080
Oh, my God. Erm... I'll just
get the rest of my things.
550
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:43,440
You'll need some clothes.
551
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:45,400
Shall I, uh, drop you off
at your place?
552
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:48,080
We'll take my van. They won't have
put a port check on that yet.
553
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:50,680
Good thinking.
I hope you like vino bianco!
554
00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:51,720
SHE SHRIEKS
555
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:53,400
I'm more of a beer man.
556
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:55,720
But those Continental lagers
are delicious!
557
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:05,360
I'm ready!
558
00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:07,560
I hope we find somewhere
where we can dance.
559
00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:09,320
I'm sure we will.
560
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:11,080
I bought this for myself.
561
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:12,560
I never even showed it to him.
562
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:15,120
It's lovely.
563
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:16,840
Wait till you see when it's on.
564
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:18,880
It's lame, so it catches the light.
565
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:22,080
Fancy. Hm. Isn't it?
566
00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:23,440
Listen, we've got to get going.
567
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:26,400
The sooner we're on the road,
the safer it is. Yeah.
568
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,800
Sheila, by the way.
569
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:31,440
Eh? My name.
570
00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:42,640
♪ It had to be you...
571
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,440
Stop! Get down!
572
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:49,760
Get down!
573
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:52,400
SHOUTING FADES
574
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:57,680
♪ I wandered around
575
00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:01,640
♪ And I finally found
576
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:04,840
♪ The somebody who
577
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:12,760
♪ Could make me be true
578
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:19,840
♪ And could make me be blue
579
00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:25,360
♪ And even be glad
580
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,040
♪ Just to be sad
581
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:34,480
HE SIGHS
♪ Thinking of you
582
00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:40,640
♪ Some others I've seen
583
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:47,800
♪ Might never be mean
584
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:55,240
♪ Might never be cross
585
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:59,120
♪ Or try to be boss
586
00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:01,480
♪ But they wouldn't do... ♪
587
00:28:01,530 --> 00:28:06,080
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