All language subtitles for veep.s07e05.720p.bluray.x264-demand

The latest Super Tuesday polls are in.

You're up three in Texas.
Eight in North Carolina.

- Up two in Massachusetts.
- Ooh! Nice!

Then we fly back to Virginia tonight,
pop into Alabama on the way,

and then a quick stop in Oklahoma City
for an hour-and-a-half rally.

Mmm. That's an hour
and 29 minutes too long

in that former Indian
concentration camp.

Looks like Kemi's got full
protection from the Secret Service.

What kind of affirmative action
bullshit is that?

Here's your speech, ma'am.
I dumbed it down even more.

Good, 'cause the last one looked like

the toilet bowl after
William F. Buckley ate a thesaurus.

Kemi has been getting
some death threats.

Well, then we should leak
some of my death threats, okay?

I mean, I get some, don't I?

- Oh, yeah.
- So many.

Here's a couple that came in
while you were on the plane.

"I'm gonna break your fat arms
and strangle you..."

Wait. I don't have fat arms.

That's just criminally insane
and regular insane.

- Pick another one. A plausible one.
- Yeah.

"Someone should put a bullet
in your shriveled old face."

No!

Just make up some death threats
that are nicer.

Okay, I'll come up with a dozen.

Wait a minute. Before I go onstage,
where are we now?

- I wanna say the South?
- Uh, well...

- Gary, go find out where we are.
- Yeah.

Ma'am, there is
a small change to the speech.

We no longer use the Rosa story.

What are you talking about?
It kills every time.

- Tears!
- I know.

- Rosa was deported this morning.
- Hi!

They identified her
from details in your speech.

Well, that's impossible,
because I made her up.

Well, no, actually, ma'am,
there's a Rosa Sanchez in Tennessee

who has four kids
and the exact same dead-end jobs.

Oh, my God, you conjured her!

Yeah, right out of
my Stephen Glass-hole.

- Oklahoma City!
- Madam President!

Any comment that
a federal grand jury in New York

is getting ready to indict
your husband, Andrew Meyer?

- He's my ex-husband.
- Can you respond to a rumor

that he's hired a new legal team
and is making a deal with prosecutors?

I can't hear you, so you're
gonna have to repeat that.

- You have to repeat it.
- That can only mean one thing, ma'am.

Andrew's gonna flip on you.

God damn it!

Tell my attorney to meet me in

the next filler state we're in.

'Cause last I heard,
you can't run for office

- and be in prison.
- Oh, maybe in the House you can.

Ma'am, this Andrew thing
is everywhere.

Your unfavorables are rising
past "accidental ethnic slur"

- right into "men's room incident."
- Oh, God.

Catherine? Okay.

This is the face
of clinical depression, ma'am.

With the hair of a mental patient.

Oh, my kingdom for a barrette.

Listen, honey, um,
Daddy is in hiding again,

and I know he calls you
to borrow money sometimes...

Fight your own battles, Mother, okay?

I'm really struggling right now.

Okay, you know what,

if anyone should
be depressed, it's me,

but I am stable as fuck.

Yeah, you are!

- Your lawyer's waiting.
- Karen!

- Madam President!
- Oh, I'm glad to see you.

- You, too.
- Andrew might be cutting a deal,

which would just destroy me.

I have to stop you there, ma'am.

Andrew has hired me
as his new attorney.

Oh! Thank God.

So you can talk him
out of this deal, right?

But it's a very good deal. For him.

Karen,

you understand that

when I am elected president again,

I can issue Andrew a full pardon.

- Right?
- Ugh. I wish you hadn't told me that.

- And yet I'm also glad that you did.
- Ah.

I might be able to use it against you.

I wouldn't, unless I have to.

Well, this has been a dry fuck
on a sandy beach.

It's always
a pleasure to see you as well.

Sure. Okay, well, listen,

will you tell Andrew that I'm gonna be
in New York on Friday?

So he can just
come and talk to me directly.

I can't advise my client
to do that, but I might.

Oh, God.

Any luck with the human Möbius strip?

Andrew's cutting a deal.

I could go to jail.

I don't look good in jumpsuits.

I mean, I do, but I don't. You know.

What?

Ma'am, we've got incoming.

I've got a buddy at WaPo who's working
on a story about South Carolina

and possible foreign
election interference.

Okay, first of all,

call it the Washington Post
like a non-asshole,

and I don't know anything
about foreign interference,

and stop staring at me
like I'm some sort of

teenage runaway
that you just strangled.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, my God.

First Andrew,

and now this Washington Post
Chinese thing?

I mean, my God,

this is like having
two different Senators

with their hands up my skirt.

Which actually happened to me once
during a Supreme Court confirmation.

Without going into any, uh,
legally incriminating detail, ma'am,

how deep are you?

Keith Quinn is working
with the Chinese.

Wait, so Quinn

- is the in-house Chinese asset?
- Yeah.

- I thought it was Kent.
- I assumed it was you.

What's our play moving forward here?

The Joseph Goebbels playbook.

Accuse the other side of that
which you are guilty.

Steal from the best.

You need to get rid
of that Chinese money, ma'am.

Gary?

Just book me on
the friendliest news show possible.

Copy that. Mike it is.

Okay, Gary, you need to spend
every dime in the space-based...

- Faith-based.
- Mmm-hmm. On religious shit.

- ASAP.
- I don't know how to do that.

I don't even know how it got there.

Just give it to one of those
gay-converting Baptist colleges

to fund a statue
of a gold-plated Jesus

- fucking a triceratops.
- Wow!

All right,
Congressman Slender Man.

Don't say his name.

Now that Florida has moved
its primary to Super Tuesday,

we are going to stay here
and focus all of our efforts.

No, I told Beth
that we could go to Arkansas

so she could give me
a hand job in a hot spring.

It's my birthday.

Your particular brand of crazy
is polling very high here in Florida,

especially with
melanoma-loving swamp fuckers,

storm-ravaged climate deniers,

and deadbeat dads and deadbeat moms.

Those are my peeps.

So we are launching

a brand-new fundraising initiative.

Next month, donate $38

for Jonah Ryan's 38th birthday.

Thirty-eight dollars?

That's like a shitty gift

that you get from
your asshole grandmother.

If Selina Meyer did this,

she'd get, like, a thousand dollars

because she's, like,
a thousand years old.

Selina would kill to be 38.

She's been lying
about her age for years.

- Whatever. I'd still do her.
- I'm down to clown.

Holy shit, Brookheimer,
when you get an abortion,

you're supposed to leave
the mangled fetus at the clinic,

not staple it to the skeleton
of a gay condor

and run it for president.

- Well, hello, darling.
- Hi.

What Saudi prince's rape dungeon
did you finger-trowel your way out of?

- Uh, Jonah's rape dungeon?
- In your face!

All right, anyway, I have
the pleasure of informing you,

Congressman Slender Man...

- Mmm-mmm.
- Nope, beat you to it.

Oh, shit. All right.

Our government has assigned you

your very own Secret Service detail.

- Whoa. What?
- Special Agent Youngblood!

Youngblood?
Oh, that's my favorite Rob Lowe movie.

Congressman Ryan, it's an honor.

Oh, yeah! This is like
looking in a mirror.

- Yeah, a hot mirror.
- I'll be right outside, sir.

Chances are you're still
likely to get assassinated,

but the killer,
may God guide his hand,

will just have to work
a little harder.

Oh, hey, can I get some
of that body armor?

Sincerest congratulations
on all your life choices, Amy.

Thank you. It pays quite well.

Have a good weepy slide
down the shower wall this evening.

We gotta go.

Will's got a full day ahead of him.
Tell 'em what you gotta do, Will.

Uh, I was hoping to finally finish
my passion project.

Which is?

Rerouting my urethra
to behind my balls

so that I have to sit to pee
like a real girl.

Goodbye, Amy, Jonah.

- Bye, Will.
- Very nice to meet you, Mrs. Ryan.

Mayor Splett,
do you consider yourself a hero?

Sit your hawk asses down!

Not you, Richard.

I'm gonna pick one of you
minimum-wage media monkeys

to ask three pre-approved questions,
pre-written by me,

and she's gonna owe me
for the rest of her life.

And yes, I said "she,"
and I don't mean you.

Well, I'd say I got here
not a moment too soon.

Because President Meyer fired you?

All right, look, Richard, we have
an incredible opportunity here.

I mean, the entire country
thinks that you're a hero.

Except for the 7-Eleven truthers.

They say that no Jewish people
were working in the store that day,

but there's no Jewish people
in Lurlene, so...

Richard, you need
a chief of staff

that has real D.C. experience.

Mr. Mayor, the lieutenant governor

still wants to set up a time
for your award ceremony.

Oh, Willa, this is Dan Egan,
my new Chief of Staff.

Sure.

Uh, Dan, there's no easy way
to say this,

but, uh, given your reputation,

there's no dipping your quill
in the company ink.

- Copy that.
- I mean sex.

- Got it.
- By that, I mean Willa.

I wouldn't be doing myjob,
Madam President,

if I didn't ask the question
that's on everybody's mind.

Is that a new hairstyle?

And your ex-husband Andrew
is about to be indicted

in the Southern District of New York.

Which is not a question, actually.

Well, what we really
should be talking about

is Senator Talbot's husband

and the longstanding
accusations against him.

Mmm-hmm.
- Oh. Well, let's go with that one.

- That sounds juicy.
- Plus his tax evasion.

Wait, Senator Talbot's husband
is cheating on his taxes?

Well, that's what people are saying.

How is nobody looking into this?

I mean, why isn't
the press covering this?

Are they biased against you?

Well, you said it, not me,
but I also say it.

You know, it's getting so you can't
believe anything the media says

- about anyone's husband!
- Yeah!

It's really a treat for me
to come on a show

that's fair and impartial.

- When does this air?
- Well, it's streaming now.

Oh, I see. And what time will that be?

Now, you're going to lead off
with a nod

to the anti-vaccination movement.

Yeah, why go to the doctor
and get a shot

for something you don't even have?

Yeah, I didn't get Clay vaccinated
because it causes autism,

and now he just has
a little bit of autism.

Yeah, and when I was a kid,

they said the best case scenario

- was I had autism.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Fucking look at me now.
- Don't use that line up there.

Don't yell at him, 'cause
loud noises make him flip out.

- Rick, there's a gun in the front row.
- Where? Jonah?

- Made you look!
- Ladies and gentlemen...

- You're on!
- Wish me luck, meat shield.

- ...Jonah Ryan!
- How you doing, Clearwater!

Right. If I could digress
from my prepared remarks...

How would anyone know?

...I want to talk about my opponent,
"President" Selina Meyer.

Has anybody noticed

that she's been, like,
55 years old forever?

Yeah, I mean, come on,

she is totally lying
about her age, right?

Kill her!

Yeah, I mean, sure, maybe.

I mean, how old are you
really, Selina Meyer, huh?

- Yeah!
- When are you from?

When are you from?

When are you from?
When are you from?

When are you from?

When are you from?

They have an actual crowd there?

What, are they giving away
free Tommy Bahama dick cozies?

Ma'am, this is not a big deal.

Just show 'em your birth certificate.

While we're at it,
why don't we show 'em

my estrogen patch prescription

and a Polaroid of my stretch marks?

You mean your wisdom stripes.

I have always been
open and transparent

- about how old I am.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Yeah, 55.
- I believe it's 53.

- Late 40s.
- You're all correct.

Well, look who cleans up nice.

Can I get a quick fiver, Madam P?

Yeah. Oh, Gary, that reminds me,

I need to switch out
my estrogen patch.

Mmm. Should I slip in a little swirl
of progesterone for you?

- You can surprise me.
- Yep. Oh!

- Ma'am, uh, you...
- Yeah.

It's fine. They know everything.

Me so complicit. Me go jail long time.

All right! The Houston Chronicle
is reporting that Kemi voters

have somehow got the idea
that if they vote in the primaries,

they're gonna get an IRS audit.

Keith, I don't want to know
how you did that.

Oh, well, Facebook'll
walk you through it step by step.

You know what? Maybe it's best
if you don't update us so much.

- But there is just one other matter.
- Okay.

Dissident poet Deng Dao
has been arrested for...

Well, they'll figure it out
after they shoot him.

What does that have to do with me?

As the woman who freed Tibet,

I'm guessing they'll want you
to support them publicly.

Okay, Keith, as much as I hate poetry,

I'm not gonna do that.

Yeah, until this Washington Post thing
blows over,

we're gonna keep our wangs

out of your Chinese
fucking finger trap.

Yeah, right.

All right, I'll tell them.

They insist on hearing
bad news right away.

- Fine.
- Oh, uh, and if you talk to your ex,

you might want to ask him
about his business with China.

- What?
- See what he says.

Is Andrew tied in with the Chinese?

I... I don't know. I mean,
he's always had a thing for Asians.

So do I, but if Andrew starts
talking to the grand jury about,

you know, you and China...

This was supposed to be
just a little simple bit

of election-rigging!

Fuck!

I have your estrogen patch,
if you'd like.

You wear it. Maybe you'll grow
some hair on your vagina!

Hmm.

...March Wheelright Medal of Bravery.
Mayor Richard Splett of Lurlene

demonstrated remarkable heroism...

Look at that.
I'm telling you, Richard,

this is just the beginning, all right?

Oh! Sidney Purcell.

Of all the mid-priced
steakhouse chains

in northeastern Iowa...

Oh, sorry. Mayor Splett,
this is Sidney Purcell.

He represents the very good people

at Con-Ag-Chem Family Farms.

Ah, well, this man
needs no introduction.

Please, the 7-Eleven mayor himself.

- Oh, would you care to join us?
- Yeah, I don't mind if I do.

That's a great idea.

You know, I'm actually really glad
that I happened to run into you.

There is a vote coming up
in the state Senate,

- uh, regarding pesticide regulations.
- Oh, that's right.

And there's an empty seat up there.

Do you know anything about pesticides?

Not as much as I'd like.

That empty seat in the state Senate,

it could be yours.

You know, down at the feed store

they're saying your new seeds
cause cancer.

Well, we've paid for seven studies
that say that it doesn't.

- Seven? Wow.
- Yeah, seven. Lucky sevens.

That's good enough for me.
Can't argue with science.

I'm gonna get some drinks.
You guys stay here,

talk, get to know each other.

You know what I want, right, Dan?
What do you want, Mayor?

I want to read those reports.

I'm sorry, um,
you look so familiar to me.

Did, uh... Did we...

Oh, no! I'm an ob-gyn.

You brought a woman into my clinic

to have her pregnancy terminated.

Could you be a little more specific?

I'm actually worried she might have

some sort of thyroid issue
because of her eyes.

- Oh! Amy.
- Yeah, Amy.

Reminds me, I gotta
Apple Pay her for my half.

- Hey, can I buy you a drink?
- You can buy me half a drink.

Oh.

This is insane!

My husband has never done
an illegal thing in his life...

in his entire life!

When women fall apart,
they really fucking fall apart!

Did you take the coconut
out of my muesli

- for tomorrow morning?
- No. No.

And you know what you need to do?

You need to use tweezers this time

because I really thought
I could taste your fingers.

I'm sorry.

These, by the way,
are completely hideous.

- Catherine ordered those.
- Oh.

- Oh. That's too much.
- It is.

- But thank you.
- What?

- Good evening, Lee. Got your message.
- Okay, yeah.

Wow, I've been trying
to track you down for days.

Hearing you say that
really takes me back.

Okay. Out.

Excuse me. I have work to do.

Are you really trying to cut
a fucking deal here?

- Well...
- I mean, my God,

do you understand this could
cost me the presidency, Andrew?

- I had no choice.
- Oh, that's what you said

about Catherine's
freshman year roommate.

She had done a gap year abroad.
She was not a true freshman.

And now,

I'm hearing about you and the Chinese?

That's funny, you're the third person
who's asked me about that this week,

a US Attorney, a reporter
from the Washington Post...

Since when are you doing
business with them?

Actually, you.
Your name is all over...

I should have really married
that gay guy my mother liked.

A couple years ago,

a few Beijing businessmen
approached me,

and they wanted
the investment expertise

of the former president's
disbarred ex-husband.

No big deal.

And we cleaned
a teeny-tiny bit of money

through the Meyer Fund,
low nine figures.

And that faith-based thing
was a godsend.

Wait a minute. You know Keith Quinn?

I know him as Luther.
We met in Macau at the shark fights.

Do you want me
to take the raisins out...

- Out!
- Yep.

Yes!

If we could find a fall guy...

Gary?

Honestly, I don't think
people are gonna buy

that a guy who calls vaginas
"crinkum-crankums"

is gonna be able to pull off some sort
of multi-million dollar fraud.

- Come on.
- Well, it, uh...

it would absolutely
destroy Catherine, but, um...

Marjorie?

That's kind of perfect.

Besides, women's prison.

Yeah. Wall-to-wall crinkum-crankum.

- I'm not touching you.
- Uh, okay.

- I'm not touching you.
- Thank you for looking into that.

Jonah, we still need a copy
of your birth certificate

and the New Hampshire
Vital Records office

cannot find it, so...

Oh, yeah. No, that makes sense,
I was born in Toronto.

Toronto, Canada?

I don't know, just cancel
the press conference.

Absolutely not!

Do you have any idea how crazy

all of this talk about Selina's age
must be making her?

We are turning the screws

on that miserable,
poultry-necked hag...

Jesus, Amy.

God, is that what
a real orgasm feels like?

Ugh, do women have those?

That's what I've been telling you.

- All right, fine. I'll call my mom.
- Thank you.

Oh, and I should probably
call Rick's mom, too

just because she's probably
still pretty sore from last night

when I was all up in that

Puss-ay-ay-yay

In that puss-ay-ay-yay

In that puss-ay

Well, what are you gonna do about it?
Ah!

Ow!

Marjorie? Love to talk to you
for a second about the Meyer Fund.

There's something I'd like to
speak with you about as well.

- Oh, okay. Good.
- It's about Catherine.

I think you know
I'm a very traditional woman,

though I do seek
to topple the patriarchy

by queering hetero-normative tropes.

Are you talking about your outfit?

As I was saying,
I love your daughter very much.

I know that you do,
Marjorie, um, Palmiotti,

and I have to say that I love

the work that you do
on the Meyer Fund very much.

Thank you, ma'am.

Although I personally
don't know anything about it

because you're the complete mastermind
behind it, right?

I think I can see you
nodding your head "yes."

Are you recording
this conversation, ma'am?

That is a bizarre thing to say.

Well, the flowers have been moved,

and Andrew's phone.

I refuse to allow you to implicate me

in your financial misdeeds, ma'am.

They're not misdeeds.

They were exploited opportunities.

- Oh, there's my phone.
- Yeah, she found it.

I'll spare Catherine
this shameful episode.

Despite the fact that you are

two of the most reprehensible people
I have ever met...

- Hang on a second.
- Where did that come from? Seriously.

...by some magical combination
of abuse and neglect

managed to create
the perfect daughter.

- Oh, well, thank you very much.
- And that's why...

I would like to ask both of you
for Catherine's hand in marriage.

Oh! Wow.

You have our blessing.

Yes, you have our blessing.

- Absolutely.
- Thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- Can I ask you a question, Marjorie?

- Of course, ma'am.
- Why would you buy that cow?

When I can get the milk for free.
Very good, ma'am.

- What?
- I'm leaving now. For the record.

It's... I'm not...

Oh, God.

- Lee?
- Mmm?

I honestly never thought
it would come to this,

but I have had a suitcase packed

and ready to go by the door
for the last 20 years.

- What?
- I still have Mee-Maw's boat.

The Labor Day?

You told me it sank.

I told you I reported it sunk
to insurance.

And I could take it down to Cuba,
and from there,

you know I've long felt a deep
connection with the land of Israel

and their non-extradition treaty.

You can't just disappear, and I can't
have people thinking I'm Jewish.

We're right in the middle
of the primaries.

It's the best thing for both of us.

The only thing they have on you is me.

Well, that's the most romantic thing
you've ever said to me.

But I'm gonna need some
walking-around money.

Here we go. What...
I mean, how far do you have to walk?

Fuck!

I mean, can you give me 24 hours?

Yeah. Yes.

I guess this is goodbye.

I guess so.

Well...

Good-bye.

Hey, Andrew. What are you doing?

Oh, yeah, I should
probably go out the back door.

Yeah.

Your false accusations
are working, ma'am.

Oh, then they're no longer false.

Basically a two-woman race to see

who is less offensive
to the American people.

That's the best explanation
of democracy I've ever heard.

Also, they found Rosa Sanchez
in El Salvador.

- Who?
- The fake real woman from your speech?

Just in the nick of time.

She was about to be stoned
by the local child army.

Okay, guys, um, last night...

I don't like when people feel
they have to get closer to talk to me.

It usually means I'm gonna be facing
a longer prison sentence.

- I saw Andrew...
- The prosecution rests.

We talked about a trip he might take
out of the country...

I will add tampering
to our list of charges.

But if we were able
to give him a going-away gift,

uh, he might be able
to turn it into a stay-cation.

- And bribery.
- Gary?

Yes, here.

How much is left
in that whole faith-space...

Faith-based.

I spent it all on Bibles
for the homeless.

You spent millions...

Yes, yes, I did.

...on leather-bound hobo toilet paper.

Mmm. Oh, I hope they don't use
the New Testament for that.

I need to speak with Keith Quinn.

- Did I do something wrong?
- Go.

Ma'am, not Keith Quinn.

Yes. What, do you have a better idea?

- Yes, not Keith Quinn.
- No. Go.

- Ma'am, it's time.
- Oh. Okay. It's...

I was an alcoholic,

I was in a relationship with a blonde,
uncaring, bug-eyed rage-aholic.

I used to work with someone
just like that.

Oh, my gosh, folks,
our best friend of the show,

President Selina Meyer,
is on the line calling us today.

- Hello?
- Hello, Mike? How are you?

Great. Hope you got the invite
for the baby shower.

What's going on with this chair?
It's too low.

Hint. We could still use
the changing table,

or bye-bye ping pong.

Oh, that's actually a cute name.

- Are you gonna keep that?
- Thank you, Madam President.

Morning!

I'm calling because
I wanted to talk to you

about Senator Talbot's husband.

I have been hearing from
hardworking American people

from all walks of life...

...that what he's into
is way beyond tax fraud.

I need some help for me ex
from your friends in the East.

Oh, I thought we were putting

our little arrangement
on the back burner?

Madam President, Senator Talbot
has just released a statement.

I'm gonna read it, so I get it right.

You are simply attacking her family

to distract from your own problems,

and that you are the one
who is guilty of fraud, conspiracy

Guess what? Mike,
I have a special announcement.

My daughter Catherine
is getting married

to her lady friend Marjorie.

That's amazing!
Isn't that great, buddy?

Well, the Bible
is actually very clear...

Um, but now I have to run.

It's been such fun talking with you,

and I'm sure we'll connect later.

So, Andrew?

- I'll take care of it.
- Okay.

- Any date for the wedding?
- Huh?

- Any date for the wedding?
- Oh, who gives a shit.

This has been
a very difficult decision,

but, no, I will not be running
for state Senate.

There's just so many things
I still want to do

for the good people here in Lurlene,

like my own pet issue, which,
as many of you know, is pet issues.

And I certainly hope
I'm not letting anyone down,

especially my new friend Sidney.

Are you referring to Sidney Purcell,

the Con-Ag-Chem Fam Farm lobbyist?

I'm so sorry. We don't have any time
for more questions.

Actually, Dan,
that did sound like a question.

Yes, Sidney Purcell,
super generous guy,

offered me all sorts of great stuff,

like brand-new kitchen appliances

or a brand-new hot tub
like the lieutenant governor has.

We have a schedule to keep...

Oh, but I'm not supposed
to talk about that, right, Dan?

Mayor Splett, are you saying

that Con-Ag-Chem made you
an offer to run for office?

No, that's not what he said.
He didn't say that.

- Uh... No, no, no, Dan is right.
- Thank you.

Sidney made the offer. Con-Ag-Chem
is a company, it can't talk.

Hilarious. A talking company.

- We gotta go.
- Where would the mouth even be?

Ma'am, the press is out there
waiting for you.

Rosa is gonna spend the night here
in Boston. No mini-bar key.

This sit-down's gonna give us

a nice little boost
for the Latino vote.

- All right.
- Hold up.

Ma'am, I'm sorry,
there's no easy way to tell you this.

- Oh.
- Your mother's boat, the Labor Day,

exploded off the coast
of Florida this afternoon.

Andrew was the only person aboard.

No. Uh-uh.
'Cause he was going to Cuba.

Allegedly.

Ma'am, maybe we can just
cancel this Rosa thing.

No!

The Latino vote, Ben.

I'm so sorry.

He was my ex-husband.

Hello.

Oh, wow. Rosa.

Oh, my good friend.

That's not Rosa.

Oh... Oh!

There she is.

- That must be your mother.
- My sister.

Your sister. Okay.

Familia.

Rosa, you have had quite a journey.

They put me on a plane
and sent me to Mexico.

That's a terrible place.

I did nothing wrong.

No, well, I did nothing wrong.

I'm just trying
to run for president here.

You don't know how lucky you have it,
really, to tell you the truth.

I mean, the next thing you know,
everything can change,

it just goes...
Like that, right?

And then...

Okay, I think we need
to wrap this up here.

- Oh.
- Uh, we got a busy schedule.

I just want to say thank you,

- President Montez.
- Sure, why not.

- God bless you.
- Madam President, quick question...

I want to be alone.

Mom, I can't believe that you ruined

Marjorie's proposal
all over the Internet.

Catherine, I have just gotten
some terrible news about your father,

uh, being lost at sea,

and you are up my ass

about some proposal bullshit?

- For real?
- Too late, Catherine.

Too late.

Hey, now,

you're not a grilled chicken Caesar
and a Miller Lite.

- I need to talk to you.
- Oh, sure. I'm all ears, milady.

- Was it you?
- Excuse me?

Andrew is blown up.

Did you do that?

- Did you fucking do that?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey!

I have no idea what you're
talking about, Madam President,

but you did say to take care of it.

No, I didn't.
I said for you to pay him off.

I distinctly remember
you saying, "Take care of it."

Okay, sure, but I didn't say it
in a "take care of it" kind of way.

I just said take care of it.

And it was pretty clear.
You said, "Take care of it,"

and then you gave me a look.

Not a "blow him
to kingdom-fucking-come" look!

No, no, no. Listen, your eyebrows
did not move at all.

Because I have had Botox!

I abhor violence of any type.

- Yes.
- Okay? But I have seen

plenty of "blow him up" looks.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Let me get you some tissues.

- Okay.
- Okay? Yeah.

I'm going back to my room.

Oh, okay, okay.

It's okay, Catherine.
Catherine, Mommy's here.

Mommy's here.

Okay, Mommy has to go.

- Mommy has to go.
- What?

It's all right, Catherine,
Mommy's here.

What do you think it says?

I don't read Mandarin, ma'am.

When do the new Kents come out?

Do we have any friends at State?

We have to find someone
who can read Mandarin

but have no idea what it means.

Like a brain-damaged Chinaman.

- Or woman.
- Or woman. Sorry.

Or the adopted child
of someone with brain damage.

You know what would help sell
this birth certificate presser

is actually finding
the fucking birth certificate!

Yeah, I know! God, Mom!

Don't you have a file
marked "Important Shit"

that has baby teeth in it

and my VHS copy of Night Eyes II
starring Shannon Tweed?

Yes, and that's
the first place I looked.

- What's that?
- Oh, there it is!

Okay, Jonie, we really need to talk.

Mom, we don't have time to talk.

America is waiting for my leadership.

Oh, excuse me,
I think I'm gonna be sick.

Uh-oh, I think I know
what that's about.

Agent Youngblood.

You know, I think you're
doing a great job, sir.

I have repeatedly called

for Selina Meyer to release
her birth certificate,

but as everybody on my elementary
school playground knows,

I am not afraid to show you mine.

In fact, here it is.

This is my birth certificate.

Name, Jonah Joy Ryan.

Weight, six pounds.
Length, twenty-six inches.

Yeah, that's right, twenty-six inches.

Mother, Nancy Kincannon.

Father...

Excuse me.

Jonah.

Now it's your turn, Selina Meyer.

Lloyd is my real dad?

Of course he is.

I tried to tell you
a hundred times, Jonie.

Do you want a snack?

No. I'm not talking to you.

Fine. Mac and cheese.

- Okay.
- I can't believe this.

And ketchup.

That's why we went to Canada.

We didn't tell anyone because
Lloyd and I are second cousins.

God, Mom, that is vomitrocious.

I could have been born
with something wrong with me.

You know what? I never thought
that this would be a problem,

then the two of you eloped

so I just decided
not to think about it

'cause that's
the best solution sometimes.

- Wait, is Lloyd still my dad?
- Yeah, nobody knows.

But you're now officially
my stepsister.

Half sister.

I'm sorry, I think
I'm gonna be sick again.

Mac and cheese is ready.

Do you have any apple slices?

You can have anything you want, honey.

I want Lloyd to not be my dad!

Me, too.

Ma'am, you said
you weren't gonna be here.

- Oh!
- Surprise!

Do you want to meet baby Henry?
He's so cute.

Yes, but often, when a child
gets a new baby brother,

they can feel neglected
and low self-esteem.

- Catherine, for one.
- Well, yes, exactly.

And she didn't even have
a baby brother. So...

I actually feel the same way, too,
as a dad, sometimes.

So I think I should probably go
and see Ellen right now.

Sure. Does anybody want
to meet baby Henry?

No.

Hi, Ellen.

I'm your Auntie Selina,

and this is Uncle Bennie,

- and this is...
- Chief Strategist Kent Davidson.

- How do you do?
- Hi.

Honey, can you do me a favor?

You know what,
I've got this piece of paper.

I don't know what it says.

I think maybe it's in Mandarin.

- Did you bring me a present?
- It's in the car.

Cool. Let's see...

I just talked to my guy
in the Southern District.

They're dropping the investigation
into the Meyer Fund.

- No!
- Without Andrew,

the whole thing just blew up.

Sorry.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Also, the Post is spiking
its election interference story.

Oh, my God! What?

Is this what it feels like
to be a man?

- Who is Mon-tiz-uh?
- What? Mon-tiz-uh?

- Montez.
- Wait a minute.

Let me see what you wrote.

"By giving Meyer the nomination,

"they can ensure a Montez presidency"?

I want to be president when I grow up.

- You cannot.
- God damn it!

We can't even commit treason right?

- What about my present?
- Uh, I'm giving it to your brother.

More than a dozen Iowa
government officials are in hot water.

The lieutenant governor,
along with several state senators,

have all been arrested for accepting
improper campaign contributions

from Con-Ag-Chem Family Farms.

Bye-bye, Sidney.

Dan, I'm glad you're here.

Uh, the governor called.

He wants me to resign as mayor,
effective immediately.

What? You didn't do anything wrong!

That's what he said.

He's appointing me
the new lieutenant governor.

Yes. Richard,
that is what I'm talking about.

You see? Stick with me, right?

Oh, now that we're moving
to Des Moines,

Willa is fair game
and DTF, diverticulitis flare-up.

So if you go out to eat,
she can only have rice.

Good to know. Thank you.